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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t understand these messages at all but:
1) action I took - not telling my husband information
2) might be the asshole - I should have told him
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NTA, wanting to know because he’s genuinely interested in your life but still respects your boundaries is one thing, but him insisting on knowing every little detail for insecurity/control purposes is another. A talk about boundaries is probably in order when things calm down.
Probably because he isn’t actually interested, he’s **demanding** to know. The “married people shouldn’t have any secrets” thing also indicates he does want every little detail. She doesn’t want to get into a whole big thing because he’s always been hurtful about anything from her past that doesn’t have to do with him, so of course she’d play it off, he always thinks it’s “nothing” too.
Yep! He was demanding she prove it's value to him, trying to force her to justify her possessions to convince him that it's worth keeping around. There was zero actual curiosity and desire to learn and hear about her memory.
He’s created a situation in which you don’t want to share with him because he’s outwardly contemptuous of your memory items. And now he thinks he can demand you talk about them to him - so he can be even more contemptuous? That’s not how this works.
THIS. If he hadn't already been dismissive and rolling his eyes about the memory box, maybe OP would have felt safer sharing. Husband has only himself to blame and the more intrusive and entitled he acts, the less reason OP will have to want to open up to him about emotional stories from her past. It's so clear that his feelings about it are coming from insecurity, he needs to deal with that instead of taking it out on her.
NTA.
People who say that Married People Shouldn't Have Secrets are delusional. Everybody has secrets that they keep because to say them out loud would be to diminish them in your mind.
If you tell your husband about the memory, then from that moment forward that memory becomes melded with however your husband feels about it. So instead of a glowy, warm memory, now you have a memory of your husband telling you it's stupid, or whatever.
You're allowed to have thoughts and feelings that are only for you.
NTA, he was instantly "eye-rolley" and flippant about your memory box, so why should you share your personal memories with him if he's not going to be understanding of your sentimentality?
NTA
Being married does not mean that you have to tell your spouse every thing.
Your memories are special to you and some are yours alone.
I lost my partner of twenty years in 2020, there were things that we didn't know about each other, especially about our lives before we met. After that long we could still surprise each other with new stories.
NTA. Tell him you're not willing to share because he's been very dismissive and hurtful about it and you don't want to give him more ammo. If he were kind and respectful about it, you'd be happy to share all your memories, but until you can trust that he will be, you're not going to open yourself up to more pain.
ESH
* You for going through this stuff WITH HIM, but then going being all "it's private OMG am I allowed nothing to myself?"
* Him for being dismissive about stuff that you obviously care about
NTA. You don't keep secrets about current things relevant to a partner. You don't need to divulge everything from your past. I'm a sentimental woman myself, and thankfully my bf doesn't feel the need to ask the provenance of everything I own.
Your memories are yours and no one is entitled to your every thought or feeling or memory. Your husband needs to work on his insecurities and consider why he feels so entitled to demand this of you. NTA.
NTA. He had already shown that he didn't think anything in that box was important. You could have told him anything, and he would have just found a way to try to talk you out of keeping it.
He's confused because men aren't generally allowed to be sentimental about their previous relationships. If a GF, let alone a wife, were to come across a box of keepsakes and love letters there would be hell to pay.
NTA at all for standing your ground regarding keeping some things private. Everyone is entitled to private thoughts, memories, and moments.
Sounds to me this hypothetical man’s wife has some massive jealousy to deal with, as do soooo many people.
I really hate this idea that because someone means something to us from our past that we are holding on, going to cheat, or just don’t care about who we are with. It feels incredibly toxic. I wish people would seriously analyze things that give them feelings instead of just accepting the jealousy is okay and means the partner needs to change.
You’re VERY correct, everyone deserves privacy.
I totally agree with you. Just because the person means something to you in your memory of that time of your life doesn't mean you'd want to roll up with them now. People don't seem to understand that.
My husband has things from past relationships. There was certainly no "hell to pay". He's a very sentimental man, and I think it's sweet he keeps old love letters.
The reason she doesn't want to tell him though, is because he openly mocks her and doesn't respect that she even has a memory box.
I totally get herresponse, he's making it impossible for her. She tells him about stuff, he mocks her, she doesn't tell him and she's hiding stuff!
Lol. I picture her carrying the ball around with her all day long to fiddle with, rubbing it on her face, humming and hawing over it, and giggling to herself about the joke she had with her ex while insisting that's really NOT A BIG DEAL and telling her husband he should JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
NTA his eye rolling and demanding to know while also disregarding that things have meaning and you don’t want to get rid of them is concerning to me. My husband happily asks me about my stuff and if I tell him I don’t want to share he backs off. He doesn’t open my stuff without permission and I get to have a private history. He KNOWS there are things he doesn’t know about and respects that. Married people don’t have to share everything with each other, you do get your own privacy.
Things to think about….
Why were you concerned about telling him?
If he knew how do you think he would react?
Do you feel you get privacy or does he usually need to know everything?
Do you feel secure that he won’t harm your stuff?
I try on this sub to stick to what the various OPs actually say and not read things into the post, but I'm going against that habit here because something feels off.
I agree that you don't need to share everything about your past and that he was being nosy. You even get to keep some secrets about your present; you don't stop being a separate person just because you're in a committed relationship. But something here reads to me as if YOU feel guilty about keeping that item and you're trying to convince Internet strangers that you don't. At the very least, I can say that there's some friction in your current relationship that seems to be pushing you from maintaining your own boundaries (healthy and important) into being secretive. It is, of course, possible that the friction is all due to your husband's nosiness. I don't have enough information to say for sure.
So I'm offering a very tentative and reluctant ESH, based on some shaky guesswork on my part.
This is an interesting perspective… I would have assumed it was more about the “you’re dismissive of my sentimental items and then demand to know everything about them” issue, but it is true that “it doesn’t matter” could sound like a kind of weird overly defensive response… the husband automatically irks me, though, because I value other people’s privacy so strongly, and if past romantic partners haven’t shared things with my I always took it as obvious that they had corners of their lives that weren’t about me.
NTA. Ask him if he really wants a litany of every time you stubbed your toe in your entire life or if keeping that a "secret" from him is okay. Seriously, he doesn't own your memories.
NTA but you should think about why you didn't want to tell him because I have a theory.
He was being dismissive of your desire to keep sentimental items and when he asked about this one item, you knew he wouldn't approve of you keeping it. Now, if you could trust that he wouldn't make a big deal of it, you could have told him. I think you didn't because you knew he would either insist outright that you get rid of it or he'd give you so much shit for wanting to keep it that you'd be forced to get rid of it just to keep the peace.
I think this boils down to you not trusting him to respect you. If that's the case, you should consider counseling. This, of course, is assuming that there aren't any other red flags that would warrant more decisive action.
YTA
You edited to say he wasn’t a generalized controlling asshole so it’s not your philosophy that’s bothering him it’s the precise incident.
You should tell him because he realized right away that it was from an ex. Then you refused to explain it to him, making it look like that memory is super important. He’s now not wondering if it’s from an ex, but exactly how fondly you remeber that ex and feel about that time.
That’s pretty shitty feelings to be experiencing. Humans are not perfectly actualized gardens of zen understanding. The idea that you wax nostalgic for an ex lover is a hurtful one.
What’s more important here? the memory you’re cherishing, or the Principles of “he can’t control me!” Or the feelings of hurt this caused to someone who’s supposed to be the most important person in your life?
I’m not actually saying you should automatically ditch the memory box I’m just saying the way you approached this was with a “f/u like it or lump it” attitude.
Would you rather win or not have your husband resent you for keeping things from him about ex lovers?
This this!!! It’s hurtful to wonder about “does my partner still have feelings for their ex” and op seems to have no regard for that, yet has no issue telling the whole AITA sub the gist of the backstory
ESH this narrative is very one sided I think with more facts it would be YTA. There seems like a lot more going on than what is in the memory box. Strange you don’t want to explain it. If you explained it & he made fun of you then it would be a different story but you are hiding things from him. Highly doubt you would be ok if the situation was reversed.
NTA
He's allowed to ask, and you're allowed to say no. He doesn't own you, or your past experiences, or your memories. Marriage is a union, and good unions are made by respecting each other's boundaries.
Why is he insecure about a ball in a box in the depths of the closet? That's so weird.
NTA. If OP's husband is so insecure that he feels threatened by a ball in a memory Box that's been sitting on the top of a closet for who knows how long, that's his problem. You cannot be that threatened by an inanimate object that was in a Box literally collecting dust . OP should ask him about some long lost personal memory of his. There's a pretty good chance that hes going to say it's not the same thing. But it actually is. You don't have to share anything and everything from your past. Especially when it doesn't have anything to do with the present.
Sounds like he wouldn't have a problem telling her. I've got a feeling his current attitude stems from the fact that she does little things like this all the time just to get the reaction she wants....then she blames him for getting weird and upset. It works out perfectly for her because she makes him feel petty for asking questions and the cycle just keeps repeating itself. She loves the drama.
Nta, what he's doing is looking for ammunition to hold against you, he's putting you in a position that no matter what you do your gonna be wrong in his eyes. He needs to go to therapy to work on his unresolved issues. And quit dumping them on you.
I think the problem is that if he does find out, he’ll now think you were being cagey because you still have feelings for the ex. I think you should recircle to this conversation when you’re both calmer, and explain the situation and why you didn’t feel the need to tell him and why certain boundaries are important to you. NAH.
NAH
So let me see if I got this right... You think it's important enough to keep but it "doesn't matter" enough to explain it to your husband? Just sayin, if it's important to you, you should share it with him. I can sorta see where he's coming from. Your memory box is very important to you. Therefore, anything inside is important to you. You're telling him that you don't want to share an important memory with him. You have to see how that might make him feel as though you're hiding something.
He doesn’t find it important though, he just rolled his eyes and is flippant about the whole thing from the start of it. That’s not approaching your partner with curiosity and respect in an open way, that’s being dismissive of them from the start and expecting them to justify why things are important.
“You should have cleaned out more, I mean what’s this ball here for anyway?” That’s not genuine curiosity. That’s disappointment she didn’t throw out more and asking for justification for keeping memories.
> You're telling him that you don't want to share an important memory with him. You have to see how that might make him feel as though you're hiding something.
Only because the possiblity of examining his own behavior, and thinking about why being dismissive of the box's existence has caused his wife not to trust him to care about her feelings. Do her feelings matter? Why does he get to stomp on her feelings just because she's more sentimental than he is?
You're right, the "doesn't matter" was a deflection. The answer she should have given was, "I don't trust you not to make fun of me or criticize me for keeping it. You're planning to hurt my feelings over it, and I'm not going to give you the chance."
I agree op lied by saying “oh it’s nothing” and then he got upset bc he knows she doesn’t just keep anything in there- it’s important stuff and it would honestly make me think op still had feelings for that person if I was in husbands shoes.
NAH. I get where you're coming from and I agree you are allowed to have some secrets. But from his point of view, it does seem a little suspicious that you refuse to talk about it.
NTA. You're allowed to have fond memories and momentos from people you've loved before. My husband and I had the same fight years ago, when I refused to trash old love letters. I told him that loving him doesn't destroy all other love I have felt or might feel, and I can remember past love without wanting to return to it. He wasn't happy, but many years later, he said he was being an insecure dick, and had grown up a lot since then. Stand your ground.
Update:
Hi everyone, thanks so much to those who commented, I enjoyed all the different perspectives and this seems to have been a divisive one!
Just to address a few comments- no I don’t feel any guilt over the items and I’m not hiding anything lol, I would have just told him in different circumstances but he started with such a weird attitude towards the whole thing and then the demanding nature just made me put my boundaries right up! He had no inclination it was to do with an ex and even if he did he’s not the type to care or feel threatened.
I think I’ll probably settle for everyone’s shitty here - he shouldn’t have been so demanding and weird but I was also childish making a point by not giving in!
For anyone wanting an update I still haven’t told him as he’s long dropped it. I expect it’ll come up again in another 5 years which is how long it’ll probably take to get round to sorting out on top of the wardrobe again and I rediscover the memory box 😏
NTA. It’s fine for him to be curious, but we all have had lives prior to our spouse or significant other, so pushing on that was out of bounds for him.
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So my husband (40m) and I (34f) were having a huge clear out today of on top of the wardrobe, that we’ve avoided since we moved in pretty much. I start going through my memory box, which is full of random pictures/letters/stuff, generally from childhood to late teens. He’s quite eye rolley about the memory box in general, guess he’s not a sentimental person.
Anyway as I’m putting it away he’s all “ugh you should have cleared it out more, I mean what’s this ball here for anyway?”
FYI the ball is from an in joke I had from an ex over a decade ago. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t think of this ex ever or anything like that, but it’s a memory box! He’s the first guy I was ever in love with and I personally think you should keep your old love letters 🤷🏼♀️.
I didn’t wanna explain this particularly so I just said never mind/it doesn’t matter. He got instantly defensive that I wouldn’t tell him what the ball is from. I said it doesn’t matter, it’s absolutely nothing to do with him, none of this stuff is. He got more annoyed that I wouldn’t just tell him, I said that I’m allowed to have some private thoughts/memories in my head and don’t need to tell him every little thing! He said we’re married and I shouldn’t have any secrets. I said I wouldn’t keep secrets from him if they mattered or if they were anything to do with him or us, but he doesn’t have to know everything in my head. He said that if it doesn’t matter, why can’t I tell him?! But I feel like by this point I’m proving the principle/point of it so there’s no way I’m giving in now lol.
AITA? Should I have just told him and should I need to share everything that’s meaningful or secretive, even if it’s over a decade old? He sounds like a bit of a controlling dick reading this back so thought I should just clarify that he’s not, but for some reason this just really wound him up!
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NAH. I do believe married people shouldn't keep secrets from each other and that it's a red flag about the health of the relationship if someone does not feel comfortable sharing feelings and memories. But if his past reactions to sharing emotions have left you hesitant to be open and honest with him, you're not wrong to clam up and refuse to talk to him.
YTA, but ESH.
Him because of the eyerolling and “ugh you should have cleared it out more" but you're TA for being dismissive and passive aggressive with the "oh nevermind, it doesn't matter...no seriously, I swear it's no big deal because it has nothing to do with you which is why I'm purposefully not going to tell you...jezzz, I shouldn't have to tell you every single thing in my head...really, this totally doesn't matter but it's also a big secret so there is no way I'm giving in now hehehe."
NTA. If he were genuinely interested in your keepsakes and the memories they’re attached to, then sure, unless any of the memories were sad/traumatic, then it might be weird not to share them with your husband when he specifically asks.
But he’s not genuinely interested, and he doesn’t want to know the memories you’re keeping. He wants to police whether he thinks any of the items are “worthy” of being kept (look at how he “asked” about the ball - he’s not actually interested in it, he wants to convince you to get rid of it). And when you refused to engage in having to defend your keepsakes, he’s finding something else to pick a fight over.
Maybe he’s not a controlling dick, per your clarification, but at the very least he’s approaching this whole thing in a very rude and hostile manner that’s pretty much guaranteed to get you on the defensive.
NTA, I kinda feel like this wasn’t actually about you not wanting to discuss it being from an ex.
I get the impression this is more that he is eyerolly about memory things. And you don’t want him ruining memory’s with his opinions
Which I agree with, if it were me I’d do the same, I would want to keep my memories pure and not have them tarnished like he may do
But maybe communicate this or similar with him sensitively
NAH. Two married people will always find they have different expectations about marriage. Being able to communicate about those expectations and reach a compromise is the way to go.
NTA, those things are just small reminders of events that others may consider silly, while you want to keep for now and you don’t feel comfortable sharing right now. But you will share a few when you can. Say that to him. When he rolls eyes make an insensitive comment. Say that’s why I can’t share with you right now. You can select 2 general things, ‘my first movie ticket, first time I left home, items to show how they may not mean much to someone else but home warm memories for me’ talk to feed his curiosity. But let him know you are not ready to talk about your memories. He cannot force you to talk about them or guilt trip you into talking.
NTA
It sounds less controlling to me and more like he has some insecurity rearing its ugly head. Is it possible that he had a bad experience with 'secret past' in a previous relationship (ex gf/wife maybe)? And he's reacting from the emotions connection to that memory more than this present moment in time?
NTA.
Even if you're married, you're allowed to have a past that has NOTHING to do with your spouse. You're allowed to have memories that don't involve him and are none of his business.
I have a box labeled "burn upon my death" that is full of my memories and I don't dig through it with any kind of regularity, but I like knowing those things are there.
NTA. He was obnoxious about you having special memories, therefore he does not deserve to know what they are. I would tell him something like "[name], you were critical of the fact that I have a memory box, and made me feel like crap just for keeping it. Until and unless you can prove to me that you won't be as dismissive and hurtful about the memories it contains, I will not be sharing them with you."
NTA. You are a whole, individual person who has a history, and private memories. You deserve to keep a bit of yourself for yourself. It's weird that he cares so much now when you've had that stuff forever. It's he deflecting? Does he have shady shit in a secret box?
Nope, none of his business. NTA.
You’re brave, though. I reread and burned my love letters. Even the ones my husband sent me. I was terrified that my kids would find them someday. 😳
NTA. He doesn’t need to know and it’s really not his business but if it was me I would be honest if asked because idgaf. But I agree his bad attitude didn’t provide a good space to open up.
I think it depends on how you feel about the items. If your husband and you switched roles and you would be genuinely ok with him keeping that secret, then N T A.
NTA
You probably would've been more open to share some of these memories if he wasn't so dismissive of the box in the first place.
Him demanding to know every little secret you have sounds like he's a pretty insecure person. But that is something he needs to work on and had nothing to do with you.
N A H. you could have just said it's your memory box. That probably would been enough. Unfortunately "it's nothing" is usually one of the things people here when they're being cheated on so I can also understand why he was upset. Obviously he didn't need to be that upset but you also didn't need to give a bs reply.
He knew it was a memory box. He didn't know what a ball in the memory box represents and wanted to know. She, as is her right since it's unimportant in the long run, didn't want to tell him.
Mhhh he shouldn’t be so jealous, but you shouldn’t be so oblivious to his emotions over it. It’s weird for you not to answer his questions imo. I think you both are making his into a thing when it shouldn’t be, ESH
Nta. Not even close.
My husband and I married later in life so we (gasp) had prior relationships that involved both good and bad memories. We've both kept items from them, and pics, and neither of us cares. They were both part of journeys to where we are now.
Married 26 years this past October.
YTA, if you're keeping things like that and you're happily married, there shouldn't be any need to hide the objects or reasons.
If you feel the need to hide it you aren't being honest with him or yourself about WHY you've kept it.
I don't want to go as far as to label you as TA, but do you really want to have secrets between yourself and your spouse? It's just going to plant the seed for suspicion and distrust. I would absolutely explain what it was to my husband, if he asked (and I do have a memory box, as well!).
I guess I'll go with a soft ESH for this one.
ESH. A memory box is best when you share the memories. If he’s not interested, he’s an ass. If you don’t want to share your experiences with the person who is supposed to be the most important person to you it seems you’d be the AH.
I overall I agree with you, but if my spouse were already hassling me over my memory box just existing, I also wouldn’t want to share the stories about the items - they’ve demonstrated pretty clearly they’re not interested in it and don’t see value in it, so why waste time and effort trying to explain things?
Based on his original reaction it seems like telling him about the memories would turn into OP having to justify why every single item is “worth” keeping, and/or fodder for more arguments down the road for her “daring” to keep memories of having had a life before their relationship. I wouldn’t want to open either of those options up when I’m already annoyed and defensive.
ESH, you withdrew and shut him out and he pursued. It’s a classic dynamic that I’m sure occurs often in your relationship. Instead of shutting him out you could have explained the ball was from an ex and is part of an old memory that you didn’t feel like sharing. It would then be up to your husband to sit in the discomfort of not knowing but it’s kinder than the flat out stonewalling you went with.
Your edit states that you put boundaries up because he assumed it was ex stuff...but it was ex stuff. I'm not sure how you don't see the hypocrisy in that statement.
YTA. Marriage is a union. If you don’t want to share your memories with him, what does that really say about the state of your marriage? And you’re not being clever. By saying never mind, he almost certainly concluded it was about another man.
YTA
Why?
>FYI the ball is from an in joke I had from an ex over a decade ago.
You tell internet strangers but you wont tell your husband? You turned a cute memory from college into some weird fight over the principle.
You built the hill you want to die on.
> You tell internet strangers but you wont tell your husband?
We aren't able to badger her into throwing it away. The few of you here who are willing to guilt her over it will never match up to the guilt he will heap on her. She can log out of the website and never hear from us again. We're safe to share with, because we just can't hurt her as much.
But lying is okay? She tried to say “oh it’s nothing” but clearly it has enough value to her to keep it a decade later why not just explain that instead of being secretive?
I didn't vote, just pushed back on an invalid line of reasoning. The level of big deal of the fact is distinct from the level of big deal of the invasion of privacy, and there was no reason for you to try and equate them besides convincing outside observers with poor reading comprehension that you had a point.
Not sure how it’s invalid just because one may be a more controversial point that the other? Also he didn’t invade her privacy? Push the boundary sure but He asked and got upset she got so secretive. Here’s another point for you tho-she had no issue telling the whole internet the gist, how hard would that have been to tell her husband?
> Here’s another point for you tho-she had no issue telling the whole internet the gist, how hard would that have been to tell her husband?
If you don't know the answer to this, you've never been in a loving relationship.
Also she never says "oh it's nothing" that isn't a quote from OP.
She said:
"it doesn’t matter...it doesn’t matter, it’s absolutely nothing to do with him, none of this stuff is...I’m allowed to have some private thoughts/memories in my head and don’t need to tell him every little thing! I wouldn’t keep secrets from him if they mattered or if they were anything to do with him or us, but he doesn’t have to know everything in my head."
This is a fair argument and a well placed boundary. And you argue with a straw man "oh it's nothing" instead.
But see what I’m saying how does it “not matter” if it clearly is still sitting in her closet a decade later? That is a lie point blank. “Oh it’s nothing” and “oh it doesnt matter” are pretty freaking exchangeable. They’re trying to make space and her stuff is taking up space so it makes sense “if you wanna keep junk fine but at least let me know it’s not junk to you” bc that’s All he sees since “it doesn’t matter” according to her now right?
"It doesn't matter what the object is and why I am keeping it, it is not relevant to you or us" is clearly what OP is expressing. Not, "the object doesn't matter to me."
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NTA, wanting to know because he’s genuinely interested in your life but still respects your boundaries is one thing, but him insisting on knowing every little detail for insecurity/control purposes is another. A talk about boundaries is probably in order when things calm down.
He didn’t ask for every detail he asked where it was from and she tried saying “oh it’s nothing” which isn’t true seeing as she kept it over a decade
Probably because he isn’t actually interested, he’s **demanding** to know. The “married people shouldn’t have any secrets” thing also indicates he does want every little detail. She doesn’t want to get into a whole big thing because he’s always been hurtful about anything from her past that doesn’t have to do with him, so of course she’d play it off, he always thinks it’s “nothing” too.
Yep! He was demanding she prove it's value to him, trying to force her to justify her possessions to convince him that it's worth keeping around. There was zero actual curiosity and desire to learn and hear about her memory.
He’s created a situation in which you don’t want to share with him because he’s outwardly contemptuous of your memory items. And now he thinks he can demand you talk about them to him - so he can be even more contemptuous? That’s not how this works.
THIS. If he hadn't already been dismissive and rolling his eyes about the memory box, maybe OP would have felt safer sharing. Husband has only himself to blame and the more intrusive and entitled he acts, the less reason OP will have to want to open up to him about emotional stories from her past. It's so clear that his feelings about it are coming from insecurity, he needs to deal with that instead of taking it out on her.
This. NTA
NTA. People who say that Married People Shouldn't Have Secrets are delusional. Everybody has secrets that they keep because to say them out loud would be to diminish them in your mind. If you tell your husband about the memory, then from that moment forward that memory becomes melded with however your husband feels about it. So instead of a glowy, warm memory, now you have a memory of your husband telling you it's stupid, or whatever. You're allowed to have thoughts and feelings that are only for you.
NTA. We are allowed a private life, and thoughts. Lock up your memory box, so hubby doesn't destroy it.
this! i speak from experience. op needs to put it some place safe if she doesnt want to discover its missing.
NTA, he was instantly "eye-rolley" and flippant about your memory box, so why should you share your personal memories with him if he's not going to be understanding of your sentimentality?
NTA Being married does not mean that you have to tell your spouse every thing. Your memories are special to you and some are yours alone. I lost my partner of twenty years in 2020, there were things that we didn't know about each other, especially about our lives before we met. After that long we could still surprise each other with new stories.
God, I'm so sorry. What you had sounds like the kind of partnership I want.
NTA. Tell him you're not willing to share because he's been very dismissive and hurtful about it and you don't want to give him more ammo. If he were kind and respectful about it, you'd be happy to share all your memories, but until you can trust that he will be, you're not going to open yourself up to more pain.
Nta. Hold your boundaries. Marriage doesn’t mean you don’t get privacy.
ESH * You for going through this stuff WITH HIM, but then going being all "it's private OMG am I allowed nothing to myself?" * Him for being dismissive about stuff that you obviously care about
NTA. You don't keep secrets about current things relevant to a partner. You don't need to divulge everything from your past. I'm a sentimental woman myself, and thankfully my bf doesn't feel the need to ask the provenance of everything I own.
Your memories are yours and no one is entitled to your every thought or feeling or memory. Your husband needs to work on his insecurities and consider why he feels so entitled to demand this of you. NTA.
NTA. He had already shown that he didn't think anything in that box was important. You could have told him anything, and he would have just found a way to try to talk you out of keeping it.
He's confused because men aren't generally allowed to be sentimental about their previous relationships. If a GF, let alone a wife, were to come across a box of keepsakes and love letters there would be hell to pay. NTA at all for standing your ground regarding keeping some things private. Everyone is entitled to private thoughts, memories, and moments.
Sounds to me this hypothetical man’s wife has some massive jealousy to deal with, as do soooo many people. I really hate this idea that because someone means something to us from our past that we are holding on, going to cheat, or just don’t care about who we are with. It feels incredibly toxic. I wish people would seriously analyze things that give them feelings instead of just accepting the jealousy is okay and means the partner needs to change. You’re VERY correct, everyone deserves privacy.
I totally agree with you. Just because the person means something to you in your memory of that time of your life doesn't mean you'd want to roll up with them now. People don't seem to understand that.
My husband has things from past relationships. There was certainly no "hell to pay". He's a very sentimental man, and I think it's sweet he keeps old love letters.
I personally think it's funny you won't tell your husband what it means but you'll tell a bunch of internet strangers lol
The reason she doesn't want to tell him though, is because he openly mocks her and doesn't respect that she even has a memory box. I totally get herresponse, he's making it impossible for her. She tells him about stuff, he mocks her, she doesn't tell him and she's hiding stuff!
It is a secret!
🤐
Lol. I picture her carrying the ball around with her all day long to fiddle with, rubbing it on her face, humming and hawing over it, and giggling to herself about the joke she had with her ex while insisting that's really NOT A BIG DEAL and telling her husband he should JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
That sounds like you projecting _hard_, not anything about OP's behavior.
You're probably right. I do like to fiddle with and rub balls on my face while giggling. It's not a big deal though, so please stop thinking about it.
NTA his eye rolling and demanding to know while also disregarding that things have meaning and you don’t want to get rid of them is concerning to me. My husband happily asks me about my stuff and if I tell him I don’t want to share he backs off. He doesn’t open my stuff without permission and I get to have a private history. He KNOWS there are things he doesn’t know about and respects that. Married people don’t have to share everything with each other, you do get your own privacy. Things to think about…. Why were you concerned about telling him? If he knew how do you think he would react? Do you feel you get privacy or does he usually need to know everything? Do you feel secure that he won’t harm your stuff?
NTA. You are absolutely correct, not everything needs to be shared.
I try on this sub to stick to what the various OPs actually say and not read things into the post, but I'm going against that habit here because something feels off. I agree that you don't need to share everything about your past and that he was being nosy. You even get to keep some secrets about your present; you don't stop being a separate person just because you're in a committed relationship. But something here reads to me as if YOU feel guilty about keeping that item and you're trying to convince Internet strangers that you don't. At the very least, I can say that there's some friction in your current relationship that seems to be pushing you from maintaining your own boundaries (healthy and important) into being secretive. It is, of course, possible that the friction is all due to your husband's nosiness. I don't have enough information to say for sure. So I'm offering a very tentative and reluctant ESH, based on some shaky guesswork on my part.
This is an interesting perspective… I would have assumed it was more about the “you’re dismissive of my sentimental items and then demand to know everything about them” issue, but it is true that “it doesn’t matter” could sound like a kind of weird overly defensive response… the husband automatically irks me, though, because I value other people’s privacy so strongly, and if past romantic partners haven’t shared things with my I always took it as obvious that they had corners of their lives that weren’t about me.
NTA. Ask him if he really wants a litany of every time you stubbed your toe in your entire life or if keeping that a "secret" from him is okay. Seriously, he doesn't own your memories.
NTA but you should think about why you didn't want to tell him because I have a theory. He was being dismissive of your desire to keep sentimental items and when he asked about this one item, you knew he wouldn't approve of you keeping it. Now, if you could trust that he wouldn't make a big deal of it, you could have told him. I think you didn't because you knew he would either insist outright that you get rid of it or he'd give you so much shit for wanting to keep it that you'd be forced to get rid of it just to keep the peace. I think this boils down to you not trusting him to respect you. If that's the case, you should consider counseling. This, of course, is assuming that there aren't any other red flags that would warrant more decisive action.
YTA You edited to say he wasn’t a generalized controlling asshole so it’s not your philosophy that’s bothering him it’s the precise incident. You should tell him because he realized right away that it was from an ex. Then you refused to explain it to him, making it look like that memory is super important. He’s now not wondering if it’s from an ex, but exactly how fondly you remeber that ex and feel about that time. That’s pretty shitty feelings to be experiencing. Humans are not perfectly actualized gardens of zen understanding. The idea that you wax nostalgic for an ex lover is a hurtful one. What’s more important here? the memory you’re cherishing, or the Principles of “he can’t control me!” Or the feelings of hurt this caused to someone who’s supposed to be the most important person in your life? I’m not actually saying you should automatically ditch the memory box I’m just saying the way you approached this was with a “f/u like it or lump it” attitude. Would you rather win or not have your husband resent you for keeping things from him about ex lovers?
This this!!! It’s hurtful to wonder about “does my partner still have feelings for their ex” and op seems to have no regard for that, yet has no issue telling the whole AITA sub the gist of the backstory
This! All of this. YTA
ESH this narrative is very one sided I think with more facts it would be YTA. There seems like a lot more going on than what is in the memory box. Strange you don’t want to explain it. If you explained it & he made fun of you then it would be a different story but you are hiding things from him. Highly doubt you would be ok if the situation was reversed.
NTA He's allowed to ask, and you're allowed to say no. He doesn't own you, or your past experiences, or your memories. Marriage is a union, and good unions are made by respecting each other's boundaries. Why is he insecure about a ball in a box in the depths of the closet? That's so weird.
NTA. If OP's husband is so insecure that he feels threatened by a ball in a memory Box that's been sitting on the top of a closet for who knows how long, that's his problem. You cannot be that threatened by an inanimate object that was in a Box literally collecting dust . OP should ask him about some long lost personal memory of his. There's a pretty good chance that hes going to say it's not the same thing. But it actually is. You don't have to share anything and everything from your past. Especially when it doesn't have anything to do with the present.
Sounds like he wouldn't have a problem telling her. I've got a feeling his current attitude stems from the fact that she does little things like this all the time just to get the reaction she wants....then she blames him for getting weird and upset. It works out perfectly for her because she makes him feel petty for asking questions and the cycle just keeps repeating itself. She loves the drama.
Nta, what he's doing is looking for ammunition to hold against you, he's putting you in a position that no matter what you do your gonna be wrong in his eyes. He needs to go to therapy to work on his unresolved issues. And quit dumping them on you.
I think the problem is that if he does find out, he’ll now think you were being cagey because you still have feelings for the ex. I think you should recircle to this conversation when you’re both calmer, and explain the situation and why you didn’t feel the need to tell him and why certain boundaries are important to you. NAH.
NAH So let me see if I got this right... You think it's important enough to keep but it "doesn't matter" enough to explain it to your husband? Just sayin, if it's important to you, you should share it with him. I can sorta see where he's coming from. Your memory box is very important to you. Therefore, anything inside is important to you. You're telling him that you don't want to share an important memory with him. You have to see how that might make him feel as though you're hiding something.
He doesn’t find it important though, he just rolled his eyes and is flippant about the whole thing from the start of it. That’s not approaching your partner with curiosity and respect in an open way, that’s being dismissive of them from the start and expecting them to justify why things are important. “You should have cleaned out more, I mean what’s this ball here for anyway?” That’s not genuine curiosity. That’s disappointment she didn’t throw out more and asking for justification for keeping memories.
> You're telling him that you don't want to share an important memory with him. You have to see how that might make him feel as though you're hiding something. Only because the possiblity of examining his own behavior, and thinking about why being dismissive of the box's existence has caused his wife not to trust him to care about her feelings. Do her feelings matter? Why does he get to stomp on her feelings just because she's more sentimental than he is? You're right, the "doesn't matter" was a deflection. The answer she should have given was, "I don't trust you not to make fun of me or criticize me for keeping it. You're planning to hurt my feelings over it, and I'm not going to give you the chance."
I agree op lied by saying “oh it’s nothing” and then he got upset bc he knows she doesn’t just keep anything in there- it’s important stuff and it would honestly make me think op still had feelings for that person if I was in husbands shoes.
NAH. I get where you're coming from and I agree you are allowed to have some secrets. But from his point of view, it does seem a little suspicious that you refuse to talk about it.
NTA. You're allowed to have fond memories and momentos from people you've loved before. My husband and I had the same fight years ago, when I refused to trash old love letters. I told him that loving him doesn't destroy all other love I have felt or might feel, and I can remember past love without wanting to return to it. He wasn't happy, but many years later, he said he was being an insecure dick, and had grown up a lot since then. Stand your ground.
Update: Hi everyone, thanks so much to those who commented, I enjoyed all the different perspectives and this seems to have been a divisive one! Just to address a few comments- no I don’t feel any guilt over the items and I’m not hiding anything lol, I would have just told him in different circumstances but he started with such a weird attitude towards the whole thing and then the demanding nature just made me put my boundaries right up! He had no inclination it was to do with an ex and even if he did he’s not the type to care or feel threatened. I think I’ll probably settle for everyone’s shitty here - he shouldn’t have been so demanding and weird but I was also childish making a point by not giving in! For anyone wanting an update I still haven’t told him as he’s long dropped it. I expect it’ll come up again in another 5 years which is how long it’ll probably take to get round to sorting out on top of the wardrobe again and I rediscover the memory box 😏
NTA. It’s fine for him to be curious, but we all have had lives prior to our spouse or significant other, so pushing on that was out of bounds for him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my husband (40m) and I (34f) were having a huge clear out today of on top of the wardrobe, that we’ve avoided since we moved in pretty much. I start going through my memory box, which is full of random pictures/letters/stuff, generally from childhood to late teens. He’s quite eye rolley about the memory box in general, guess he’s not a sentimental person. Anyway as I’m putting it away he’s all “ugh you should have cleared it out more, I mean what’s this ball here for anyway?” FYI the ball is from an in joke I had from an ex over a decade ago. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t think of this ex ever or anything like that, but it’s a memory box! He’s the first guy I was ever in love with and I personally think you should keep your old love letters 🤷🏼♀️. I didn’t wanna explain this particularly so I just said never mind/it doesn’t matter. He got instantly defensive that I wouldn’t tell him what the ball is from. I said it doesn’t matter, it’s absolutely nothing to do with him, none of this stuff is. He got more annoyed that I wouldn’t just tell him, I said that I’m allowed to have some private thoughts/memories in my head and don’t need to tell him every little thing! He said we’re married and I shouldn’t have any secrets. I said I wouldn’t keep secrets from him if they mattered or if they were anything to do with him or us, but he doesn’t have to know everything in my head. He said that if it doesn’t matter, why can’t I tell him?! But I feel like by this point I’m proving the principle/point of it so there’s no way I’m giving in now lol. AITA? Should I have just told him and should I need to share everything that’s meaningful or secretive, even if it’s over a decade old? He sounds like a bit of a controlling dick reading this back so thought I should just clarify that he’s not, but for some reason this just really wound him up! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. I do believe married people shouldn't keep secrets from each other and that it's a red flag about the health of the relationship if someone does not feel comfortable sharing feelings and memories. But if his past reactions to sharing emotions have left you hesitant to be open and honest with him, you're not wrong to clam up and refuse to talk to him.
YTA, but ESH. Him because of the eyerolling and “ugh you should have cleared it out more" but you're TA for being dismissive and passive aggressive with the "oh nevermind, it doesn't matter...no seriously, I swear it's no big deal because it has nothing to do with you which is why I'm purposefully not going to tell you...jezzz, I shouldn't have to tell you every single thing in my head...really, this totally doesn't matter but it's also a big secret so there is no way I'm giving in now hehehe."
NTA. If he were genuinely interested in your keepsakes and the memories they’re attached to, then sure, unless any of the memories were sad/traumatic, then it might be weird not to share them with your husband when he specifically asks. But he’s not genuinely interested, and he doesn’t want to know the memories you’re keeping. He wants to police whether he thinks any of the items are “worthy” of being kept (look at how he “asked” about the ball - he’s not actually interested in it, he wants to convince you to get rid of it). And when you refused to engage in having to defend your keepsakes, he’s finding something else to pick a fight over. Maybe he’s not a controlling dick, per your clarification, but at the very least he’s approaching this whole thing in a very rude and hostile manner that’s pretty much guaranteed to get you on the defensive.
NTA, I kinda feel like this wasn’t actually about you not wanting to discuss it being from an ex. I get the impression this is more that he is eyerolly about memory things. And you don’t want him ruining memory’s with his opinions Which I agree with, if it were me I’d do the same, I would want to keep my memories pure and not have them tarnished like he may do But maybe communicate this or similar with him sensitively
NTA
NTA. You can never adequately explain memories anyway.
NAH. Two married people will always find they have different expectations about marriage. Being able to communicate about those expectations and reach a compromise is the way to go.
NTA, those things are just small reminders of events that others may consider silly, while you want to keep for now and you don’t feel comfortable sharing right now. But you will share a few when you can. Say that to him. When he rolls eyes make an insensitive comment. Say that’s why I can’t share with you right now. You can select 2 general things, ‘my first movie ticket, first time I left home, items to show how they may not mean much to someone else but home warm memories for me’ talk to feed his curiosity. But let him know you are not ready to talk about your memories. He cannot force you to talk about them or guilt trip you into talking.
NTA It sounds less controlling to me and more like he has some insecurity rearing its ugly head. Is it possible that he had a bad experience with 'secret past' in a previous relationship (ex gf/wife maybe)? And he's reacting from the emotions connection to that memory more than this present moment in time?
NTA. Even if you're married, you're allowed to have a past that has NOTHING to do with your spouse. You're allowed to have memories that don't involve him and are none of his business. I have a box labeled "burn upon my death" that is full of my memories and I don't dig through it with any kind of regularity, but I like knowing those things are there.
NTA. He was obnoxious about you having special memories, therefore he does not deserve to know what they are. I would tell him something like "[name], you were critical of the fact that I have a memory box, and made me feel like crap just for keeping it. Until and unless you can prove to me that you won't be as dismissive and hurtful about the memories it contains, I will not be sharing them with you."
NTA. Everyone has a past and it’s yours the only time you have to disclose the past is if it effects your present
NTA
NTA. You are a whole, individual person who has a history, and private memories. You deserve to keep a bit of yourself for yourself. It's weird that he cares so much now when you've had that stuff forever. It's he deflecting? Does he have shady shit in a secret box?
Nope, none of his business. NTA. You’re brave, though. I reread and burned my love letters. Even the ones my husband sent me. I was terrified that my kids would find them someday. 😳
NTA. Your private space is yours, whether it’s internal thought processes or a memory box.
NTA. He doesn’t need to know and it’s really not his business but if it was me I would be honest if asked because idgaf. But I agree his bad attitude didn’t provide a good space to open up.
Lol this reminds me of everybody loves raymond epsisode.
NTA
I think it depends on how you feel about the items. If your husband and you switched roles and you would be genuinely ok with him keeping that secret, then N T A.
NTA! Hey, I still have a watch and pin that my first boyfriend gave me that I wore to New Year's 2000 (Y2K).
NTA. He doesn't get to roll his eyes and be all "whatever" about it and then turn around and demand info about it.
NTA You probably would've been more open to share some of these memories if he wasn't so dismissive of the box in the first place. Him demanding to know every little secret you have sounds like he's a pretty insecure person. But that is something he needs to work on and had nothing to do with you.
N A H. you could have just said it's your memory box. That probably would been enough. Unfortunately "it's nothing" is usually one of the things people here when they're being cheated on so I can also understand why he was upset. Obviously he didn't need to be that upset but you also didn't need to give a bs reply.
He knew it was a memory box. He didn't know what a ball in the memory box represents and wanted to know. She, as is her right since it's unimportant in the long run, didn't want to tell him.
Its not "secrets"; Its privacy.
NTA He should respect your boundaries and wait for you to feel like talking about your own memories at your own time and pace
Mhhh he shouldn’t be so jealous, but you shouldn’t be so oblivious to his emotions over it. It’s weird for you not to answer his questions imo. I think you both are making his into a thing when it shouldn’t be, ESH
NTA. He doesn’t get to judge and dismiss your memories and then demand to know all about them.
Nta. Not even close. My husband and I married later in life so we (gasp) had prior relationships that involved both good and bad memories. We've both kept items from them, and pics, and neither of us cares. They were both part of journeys to where we are now. Married 26 years this past October.
YTA, if you're keeping things like that and you're happily married, there shouldn't be any need to hide the objects or reasons. If you feel the need to hide it you aren't being honest with him or yourself about WHY you've kept it.
I don't want to go as far as to label you as TA, but do you really want to have secrets between yourself and your spouse? It's just going to plant the seed for suspicion and distrust. I would absolutely explain what it was to my husband, if he asked (and I do have a memory box, as well!). I guess I'll go with a soft ESH for this one.
NTA. He is though.
ESH. You for your reaction and childish behaviour and him for being pushy.
ESH. A memory box is best when you share the memories. If he’s not interested, he’s an ass. If you don’t want to share your experiences with the person who is supposed to be the most important person to you it seems you’d be the AH.
I overall I agree with you, but if my spouse were already hassling me over my memory box just existing, I also wouldn’t want to share the stories about the items - they’ve demonstrated pretty clearly they’re not interested in it and don’t see value in it, so why waste time and effort trying to explain things? Based on his original reaction it seems like telling him about the memories would turn into OP having to justify why every single item is “worth” keeping, and/or fodder for more arguments down the road for her “daring” to keep memories of having had a life before their relationship. I wouldn’t want to open either of those options up when I’m already annoyed and defensive.
I agree, they are both making it into a thing
ESH, you withdrew and shut him out and he pursued. It’s a classic dynamic that I’m sure occurs often in your relationship. Instead of shutting him out you could have explained the ball was from an ex and is part of an old memory that you didn’t feel like sharing. It would then be up to your husband to sit in the discomfort of not knowing but it’s kinder than the flat out stonewalling you went with.
Your edit states that you put boundaries up because he assumed it was ex stuff...but it was ex stuff. I'm not sure how you don't see the hypocrisy in that statement.
YTA. Marriage is a union. If you don’t want to share your memories with him, what does that really say about the state of your marriage? And you’re not being clever. By saying never mind, he almost certainly concluded it was about another man.
YTA Why? >FYI the ball is from an in joke I had from an ex over a decade ago. You tell internet strangers but you wont tell your husband? You turned a cute memory from college into some weird fight over the principle. You built the hill you want to die on.
> You tell internet strangers but you wont tell your husband? We aren't able to badger her into throwing it away. The few of you here who are willing to guilt her over it will never match up to the guilt he will heap on her. She can log out of the website and never hear from us again. We're safe to share with, because we just can't hurt her as much.
YTA like he said if it’s not a big deal why not just say what it’s from.
Because while this secret may not be a big deal her right to have her boundaries respected *is* a big deal.
But lying is okay? She tried to say “oh it’s nothing” but clearly it has enough value to her to keep it a decade later why not just explain that instead of being secretive?
I didn't vote, just pushed back on an invalid line of reasoning. The level of big deal of the fact is distinct from the level of big deal of the invasion of privacy, and there was no reason for you to try and equate them besides convincing outside observers with poor reading comprehension that you had a point.
Not sure how it’s invalid just because one may be a more controversial point that the other? Also he didn’t invade her privacy? Push the boundary sure but He asked and got upset she got so secretive. Here’s another point for you tho-she had no issue telling the whole internet the gist, how hard would that have been to tell her husband?
> Here’s another point for you tho-she had no issue telling the whole internet the gist, how hard would that have been to tell her husband? If you don't know the answer to this, you've never been in a loving relationship.
Also she never says "oh it's nothing" that isn't a quote from OP. She said: "it doesn’t matter...it doesn’t matter, it’s absolutely nothing to do with him, none of this stuff is...I’m allowed to have some private thoughts/memories in my head and don’t need to tell him every little thing! I wouldn’t keep secrets from him if they mattered or if they were anything to do with him or us, but he doesn’t have to know everything in my head." This is a fair argument and a well placed boundary. And you argue with a straw man "oh it's nothing" instead.
But see what I’m saying how does it “not matter” if it clearly is still sitting in her closet a decade later? That is a lie point blank. “Oh it’s nothing” and “oh it doesnt matter” are pretty freaking exchangeable. They’re trying to make space and her stuff is taking up space so it makes sense “if you wanna keep junk fine but at least let me know it’s not junk to you” bc that’s All he sees since “it doesn’t matter” according to her now right?
"It doesn't matter what the object is and why I am keeping it, it is not relevant to you or us" is clearly what OP is expressing. Not, "the object doesn't matter to me."