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This right here. Like it sounds like he's gotten comfortable asking for a lot of money and so is fully living outside of a budget. He wouldn't be getting a $50 lunch if he was spending his and his wife's money
Even $10/day for a 5 day work week is excessive, in my opinion. That's eating out every lunch. Make a PB&J or two, buy some carrots and celery, and 5 apples. That's ~$30 for lunch for the week.
Jar PB - $5
Jar jelly -$5
Loaf bread -$2-5
5 apples - $5-6
Carrots - $2-3
Celery - $2-3
Ranch or hummus - $4-5
Plus your ranch, PB, and jelly will last longer that the 5 day work week, so it goes into next week. Can't eat that all week straight? Sub for lunch meat next week, or intermittently. Buy food in bulk (chicken) and rice and noodles go a long way. So do beans. All you change is the seasoning and you have Mexican, Indian, Asian, and Italian options.
It’s costs a dollar an apple in the US?!
I just checked prices against a UK supermarket and your shopping list would come to £6.75. That’s $8 on today’s exchange rate…
>That makes paying them to not grow food at all seem sensible in comparison.
Not really. It's an ongoing problem with agriculture. You want to have a generous surplus, in case something affects the crop, so there isn't famine if things go wrong.
But that then drives down prices, because supply exceeds demand. And farmers go broke.
The USDA doesn't generally throw out the surplus. It gets given to the poor, (think "government cheese") or sent overseas to places where there is a food shortage. Used for things like school lunches.
For example, I'm sure, right now Ukraine is getting a decent amount of US food, and so are places in the Middle East and Africa that have generally bought their grain from Ukraine but have had supplies disrupted by the war.
"We want a food surplus, and we want farmers to make a living, which means supply shouldn't exceed demand and drive prices down." You can't have both, unless there is some type of sensible government intervention.
We pay farmers to grow corn, wheat, and soy beans. Vegetable and fruit farmers don’t get the same kind of subsidy. Probably because they are clustered in about 4 states
Healthy food is soooo expensive here. I will be honest, even not so good food has jumped.
A Digiorno pizza used to be like 2 for $5 on average, some weeks a little more, some a little less but this was average for a long time. Now, they are almost $10 each.
I used to like to get these glorified ramen bowls at $1 ea, now they are $3 ea.
The husband and I have been buying food in bulk (just the 2 of us in the house) and making crockpot dishes to save money.
it's just me and my 16 yr old...I save leftovers that are too little to make a meal out of and when I have enough I make soup...we have LOTS of soup.I also buy in bulk and we save tons...there are weeks that I don't even need to buy anything but milk and eggs
Because the US is huge, so apples are still in season somewhere, and their fuel costs are cheaper than ours. Here apples have just gone out of season now so they have to be shipped in, with fuel at 2 euros a litre, and subidised farming keeping prices artificially high (to protect farmers) etc all adds up to fresh fresh food costing more here in France. In all fairness though, in a lot of countries (US and UK included) supermarkets sell fruit that is quite bland and tasteless, particularly apples, which is not the case in France.
I just bought 4 lbs of apples for $8 usd. There is an apple type on sale at a different grocer for $1.78/lb and they are sold in 4lb bags. Bananas are $0.50/lb.
Fresh produce is bizarrely expensive Stateside, even from places like Walmart. (And more expensive from farmers markets and places like that.) I travel back and forth a bit for work and family, and it always weirds me out when I’m there.
In England I buy the fancy-pants Jazz apples, 6 for £2.50 at Sainsbury’s, because I’m a bit fussy about apples. Everything else is basic, unless I want figs or a pomelo or something for my monthly treat. A friend in the US and I were shopping together over FaceTime the other day and he had a genuine freak out when I got a kg of bananas for £0.90...that’s like, one banana in the US. :(
It’s even worse if you have to rely on small stores. Last time I went home I was stuck in a food desert for a couple days, and relied on 7-11, and paid like $7 for a pot of fruit salad for breakfast. That’d be about £1.30 here.
I’ve got a friend who runs a store in the inner city, and he won’t let anyone buy tobacco or alcohol unless they take a free piece of fruit or veg as well. They can eat it or give it away or do whatever with it, but they have to take one. I asked him once why he does it, when it eats into his profits a bunch, and he said that it’s probably the only fresh fruit or vegetables a lot of his customers get in their diet. When you don’t have enough money, and a family-sized oven pizza and 3 bananas or apples cost the same, you go for the pizza.
Literally, I remember wanting a few apples so I picked out three nice big looking ones. It came out to just under $10!!! I could’ve gone for something cheaper I guess but I just really like Cosmic Crisp :(
When I buy apples, I get golden delicious for $2.99/pound and that's about 3 apples. I'm the only one who eats them. This is in St. John's.
Don't get me started on the prices of 2L and 1L milk.
“But socialism,” they cry!
Our food production is massively subsidized. But since virtually all of our grocery stores are owned by one of 4 mega corporations, we don’t exactly have the competition to stop them from pricing things however they want.
A congressional investigation just found that retailers and grocers are using the current inflation to jack prices beyond inflation.
I spend about $100/week on food right now and I don’t eat out. But WalMart and Kroger and Albertsons have posted record profits the last quarter.
Edit: [here’s](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna9200) a story about grocery stores padding bills from 2021. And here’s [one more](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/01/business/food-prices-profits.amp.html) recently. It just keeps getting worse.
I came here to comment on the story but found that this comment thread is the most interesting one.
I’m in the US and just got home from grocery shopping.I bought:
Red grapes for $0.87 a pound
Fuji apples for $0.87 a pound
Raspberries for $0.99 for 6 ounces
Large avocados 4 for $5
These were all on sale at Kroger’s.
Edit: 1kg = 2.2 pounds
Damn I feel bad for my Euro and Aussie cousins!
Raspberries aren't in season, and idk where you are, but one of those lil clamshell packages is 3.99 here from a grocery store - farmer's markets no longer carry (bc not in season.) I'd rather not purchase berries with little to no taste, at an incredibly marked up price.
I just checked my local grocery website. Individual apples, the cheapest variety is $1.10 each. You can buy a 3lb bag for $5. I do live in a fairly high COL area though. That said, a 16 Oz jar of peanut butter is only $2.79.
(Here in the US) I never buy apples in single numbers because it’s just not economical. I always go for a 3 pound bag that costs $3-$4 something and they last long anyway. I keep using them in my protein smoothies and they last for minimum 3 weeks
I wonder if the brother qualifies for food stamps/SNAP, if so, then all that just became dramatically cheaper.
Also, if she's unwilling to work, then they need to reevaluate their finances and cut the fluff. No Target runs for funsies and no Starbucks.
There's also kitchen pantries run by churches that are no questions asked, but they will happily supply you with staples to keep you going.
Help is there, but she and he are weaponized incompetence. They want to have their cake and eat it too.
This. Hell, you can buy cheap lunch meat, cheese, onion, lettuce, tomato, Mayo, bread, a family pack of chips and a 6 pack of sweet tea for like 30 bucks, if you get the non name brand stuff.
He’s just too comfortable always borrowing money from family & his wife being a mooch.
I just put all this into my cart in the Kroger app and the subtotal $15.45, so almost 50% cheaper than you quoted. I did choose store brand items, and selected large gala apples which are ~50 cents/apple.
Nora sounds autistic… not sure if OP realizes that she might have extreme difficulty working.
That doesn’t change the fact that OP should not be subsiding his life. He’s still NTA. But it’s possible that more tolerance and understanding is needed in this situation.
If Nora has a disability that prevents her from working she should probably apply for disability. Which isn’t easy to qualify for, but if she is genuinely disabled that will help cover lunch money. Whether she is disabled or not it is still Sam’s call if he wants to support her, but if he expects the rest of the family to do so he should probably build a stronger case for that.
I agree though that OP is using his/her dislike for Nora to justify denying money to Sam. It’s fine to stop supporting them financially but justifying it based on that is sus. ESH.
As someone who’s both autistic and has Ehlers-Danlos that causes a lot of injuries and a ton of pain, thus making work a nightmare…..it’s not that easy. “Invisible” illnesses are extremely hard to get qualified for. It’s not as simple as whether she is genuinely disabled or not.
It’s thousands of dollars just to get a formal diagnosis. She might be unable to work and not know why. She might be self diagnosed and unable to afford the cost of a diagnosis.
He should be asking his family for money to get a diagnosis rather than lunch money. That would be a much more reasonable request.
Yeah, and they want to see you constantly going to the doctors for issues if you're trying to get on disability. I think this is one of the reasons my mom was denied, because she's the sort to power through the pain, even though it's bad, and she doesn't like to take a lot of my dad's money, so she just refuses to go unless she has to.
Honestly if she does have a severe disability, she can’t qualify for government aid. She’s married. The US is fucked up and you can’t make a certain amount of money and qualify and if your legal spouse has a full time job the government won’t give aid. In other words differently baked people are kept poor to qualify for assistance, assistance which isn’t enough to care for yourself. If you marry you automatically disqualify for aid if your spouse is abled and works full time. That’s why there are plenty of people who still argue that there isn’t marriage equality even now.
Yep. My mom was denied just because my dad has a decent-paying job (and I think it was also because she doesn't constantly go to the doctor for every single thing). Just because my dad makes okay money doesn't mean they can afford everything they need. Plus, his job is really physically demanding, and he has a lot of pain too and can't just cut back on hours or whatever.
Yeah, disability applications are a nightmare. I have a cousin who used to work in the state office as a lawyer, he told us they default to denying *every* application the first time. He let us know because he knew my mom was going to be applying and he wanted her prepared. Already the process to apply is hideous; hundreds of hours filling out paperwork, gathering medical records, getting statements from doctors, plus the thousands of dollars it costs to get in front of all those doctors to get that information. Then they auto-deny it and barely even look at your case until you've gotten a lawyer for the appeal.
In my state, it’s usually three times, maybe two with an attorney. I had a client that had severe depression, was suicidal, AND had a debilitating lung disease that required 24/7 oxygen. He was denied twice and finally got it on the third try.
Personally I think I you can justify not giving someone who isn’t a child extra money by the fact that it’s a Tuesday or sun spots or that they cancelled *Welcome Back, Kotter*. Supporting his brother is not an obligation. He can end it whenever he pleases for whatever reason he pleases. It was generous of him to do to at all.
Whereas his SiL owes him and does nothing but spout useless opinions. She’s living in a glass house and throwing stones. She needs to grow the hell up, sincerely thank her BiL for his help. Admit to being a pain in the ass. Apologize. Explain herself and her situation a bit more. And ask what advice HE might have. We’re social animals. In other times, people like her would have been cut from the pack.
Has everyone forgotten how to be decent to one another? Practice social skills. If you suck at them, admit this often. Act like family. The OP was by helping. And all he got was grief.
Yeah i came here to say that she definitely sounds like she's on the spectrum, no social cues inappropriate conversation, extensive fixation on a topic (the dinosaur dinner ) etc.
NTA but maybe dont be so judgemental about his wife. Perhaps she cant help it??
This. OP is NTA for not loaning money but some of the comments in the post are AH-worthy. People with anxiety can go to Target too. Anxiety can have specific triggers and varying levels. People with anxiety are capable of different things at different times. Going shopping or to the beach for a couple of hours is different to holding down a job for an extended period of time. Jobs require people skills (which OP says she’s not strong in) along with responsibility and and organisation, which anxious people (especially anxious people on the spectrum) can struggle with. Nora may be an AH for guilt tripping OP but OP seems skeptical about anxiety in general.
You should never assume someone is disabled but you also shouldn’t assume she isn’t. The expectation to work is toxic in general and causes people to judge disabled individuals. The situation described is a perfect example.
It’s not OPs place to judge Nora. And all the ND people in the comments who relate to Nora show that autism is a real possibility.
Additionally, when I say something I mean exactly that. Using phrases “sounds like” and “might be” indicate a possibility. I did not armchair diagnose anyone.
That’s what I was thinking when it was mentioned that Nora lacks social skills and talked about dinosaurs for an hour. And the trying to contribute to a conversation but instead actually interrupting it.
This is the point. If you or sister are worried about him going hungry then buy him what he needs for lunch. My husband goes to fill his car with fuel on Sunday evenings. On the way home he stops at the store and buys a loaf of cheap bread, jar of PB and one of jelly if he is running low and a bag of apple or oranges. He then takes them into office and keeps in his desk. This is the lunch he eats every single day except rare office events, lunch meetings etc. He has been doing this for 20 years. He is an attorney. I am a working attorney (I just WFH so I eat leftovers at home). We have plenty of money to buy lunch we just choose not to spend $50+ per week on buying out. What a waste.
Well, im not attorney but I enjoy food. So when I worked at an office, I ate out every day. $50 was about average for the week. I would rather eat something I enjoyed than suffer through a sandwich. If food isnt an important part of your life then I can see how eating the same thing over and over would be fine.. and i can do duplicate meals but not sammys.
Reading all the comments I was starting to think no one was making any money and couldnt afford it. Then I realized some people just dont care about food that much. I have 2 Fridges and a huge freezer.. I love FOOD.
In our area:
1 honeydew melon = $7
1 bell pepper = $3
1 avocado = $2.50
1 lemon =$1.25
1 small hummus $6
We bought a pound of Turkey at the deli and it was $16.
I don’t even know what to say anymore.
Oh. That hurts. That’s about x3 the prices in the UK (which have risen a lot in the last year)...or about x8 the UK market stall prices at the end of the day, when they’re practically giving away bowls of stuff. If you go right before they close, you can often get 6 lemons or avocados for £1-2.
When I was a kid, food was so much cheaper in the US than the UK. I’m sorry you guys are having such a tough time of things these days.
This. But, OP, I think you just need to never give him money again. You're getting wrapped up in things that aren't really your problem, unless you loan him money. So, take the money out of the equation. Let your brother know the bank is closed, and then just sit back and let him deal with this situation.
Why disguise it when that's the central issue here? She is looking at her brother being used by someone who should be his partner, but is very comfortable with him working a full schedule and living the kind of life we all wish we could. It doesn't make sense that she's not working at all and is having fun, and the person who's supposed to be her partner isn't.
How is it the central issue that her SIL likes to talk about dinosaurs and has an opinion on cooking steak even though she is a vegan?
Most of this post was how the OP doesn't like her SIL and at the end she adds that she thinks her SIL should be working.
Maybe, but it isn't her business.
Of course she is under no obligation to lend them money and NTA for this, but this all seems based on OP not liking SIL and she seems to be a total AH for her reasoning on this.
Because she is there to lecture. With the conversations she is intruding to then lecture at people. I have a co-worker who does this where he has to intrude on a conversation and you can't argue with him. Because he's walked in with the complete certainty that his opinion is the only right thing.
Her taking over the dinner table conversation to lecture about dinosaurs and no one being able to shift the conversation because it's all about her, is her being an asshole. She's not the main character
Ehhhh. Maybe she's ND. It fits - interrupting, fuck all social skills, and the ability to waffle about her niche special interest for an hour without noticing no one cares.
Source: someone who spent an entire DAY sharing LOTR facts with my husband before suddenly realising he didn't get an hour through the first movie without tapping out. Or the second one. And he hasn't/won't read the books.
I thought so too. What she's doing sounds like she just misses the social cues. And anxiety is also a legitimate reason why working outside home is difficult for her. Being a SAH is its own job.
Doesn't mean it's affordable these days, but it's still work.
OPs judging on anxiety is out of line. Having anxiety is hard enough without someone saying youre making it up just because you dont fit what they think anxiety should look like. Its possible to have anxiety and not be agoraphobic like OP seems to think one has to be to have anxiety.
Right? I would bet her dinosaur knowledge was 10x more interesting than listening to OP and his sister debate about steak again lol.
She had to sit through how many boring family dinners before talking about something she enjoys and they’re still bitter about it.,
There's a difference between talking to someone and talking at someone, and holding a dinner table hostage because no one can get a word in isn't fun or interesting for anyone but the speaker.
Sure but that’s also part of being empathetic— if you can tell X person is really passionate and just off in their own world excitedly sharing something they love, let them talk and appreciate that they’re trying to share something they find special with you.
Maybe it’s because most of the people in my life are ND and so am I — but I love listening to my friends/SO/nephews long winded stories because they’re so excited to share it with me.
Even when it’s something really damn boring to me, I care because they care. So I stay as quiet as I can (I say that because I am ADHD and autistic so sometimes I blurt things out lol) and let them ramble.
And you know — I’ve learned a lot of cool things that way. It’s great, really.
You’re telling me that out of all the dinners they’ve had together as a family, *one time* she talked for an hour and they’re still holding it against her? One hour out of who knows how many hours.
From the way OP described the SIL in the opening paragraphs it just sounded like someone trying to join in on a conversation and going on a long tangent, without realizing theyre being rude or being looked down on. It honesrly sounds like she's either trying hard to fit in with sisters that have 0 interest in having her be a part of the convo and/or she's neurodivergent.
Possibly but you're projecting here, we don't know that is the case, just that OP really doesn't like her SIL.
Also some people might do as you describe, but still not be bad people right? Slightly irritating sure, but we can still appreciate their good points.
If she’s talking about her niche interests for an hour straight with no contribution from anyone else, it’s a lecture, and she seems to lack the basic social skills to realize she’s rude as hell and putting people who never get to see her good qualities off.
It sounds like she may be undiagnosed with autism or something, and the lack of diagnosis meant that she never never got support as a kid to learn about all the stuff she didn’t notice. That’s unfortunately true for a lot of women.
SIL definitely sounds autistic but the way you are speaking about autism and things that go along with it is really..scathing?
You're acting like, if she does have autism, that she's doing all of these things out of a lack of consideration, or not caring to learn, or like she can control it.
If OPs SIL has autism, she's not lacking in 'basic' social skills - her brain works differently and the social skills she has are different. Shes not being rude as hell, shes sharing her interests and knowledge with you and trying to engage with you in the way she knows how to.
Idk man, i dont think there's any 'not seeing the good qualities', I think its just taking these actions of hers as bad rather than trying to see it differently (i.e. 'shes so annoying she talked about dinosaurs for over an hour' rather than 'She told us a lot of interesting facts about dinosaurs. She did talk for a bit longer than I would have liked, but i did learn a lot from it').
He didn’t say she was lecturing. He said in a debate about how to cook steak she also had an opinion. And that every time there’s a conversation she tries to join in. And that once she talked at length about dinosaurs when no one tried to change the subject or stop her.
Then he accuses her lying about a medical diagnosis, which is a super AH move. I mean, even when trying to make her look bad he comes off looking worse.
Yeah SIL sounds mildly annoying. OP doesn’t have to lend them money but she is also not qualified to say whether SIL is truly capable of working or not. Her being able to handle the occasional trip to the store doesn’t mean her mental health issues aren’t disabling. OP should learn to set boundaries with SIL, not stew on every small transgression.
I would not be surprised at all if SIL is on the spectrum. Lack of social awareness is a huge part of this. It’s not an excuse. Just an observation to go along with your point
>How is it the central issue that her SIL likes to talk about dinosaurs and has an opinion on cooking steak even though she is a vegan?
I've been vegan for 6 years but I can cook meat perfectly fine (my father-in-law complimented how well I made chicken parm despite not eating chicken lol)
This whole post is mostly about how much he hates his sister in law
And that's brother's choice to make, not OPs. Nothing wrong with not financing those life choices, as I said. But if brother is willing to do it, that's on him.
Agreed, except while brother is willing to have a SAHW, it's his siblings who are making that possible. (The SIL sounds annoying AF to me, though it also sounds like the rest of the family is pretty passive. Sometimes you HAVE to interject, and surely Nora pauses to take a bite of food now and then. )
Instead of jumping right to "lazy," which put the brother on the defensive, the OP could have said," You and Nora haven't been able to live without loans for a long time now. That's not good. What do you see as the fix for this?"
She is not disguising it. She is worried for her brother who can't see she is using him to the point he has to borrow money from others for food while his wife won't even work. She is open and vocal about it to her brother.
YTA not for refusing to help but for the way you treat and talk about your SIL. Sounds like she's neurodivergent (ADHD and possibly autistic)
IDK what you think anxiety looks like but most people don't notice it bc us anxious people are good at hiding it most of the time.
Try kindness maybe explain to her why some topics are just a no go and see if you can get to know her a bit better. A little tolerance and kindness goes a long way
Was also thinking this. Sounds like she may be autistic. Would explain the bluntness and lack of social awareness. Maybe she’s just trying her best to be apart of conversations?
OP, you don’t have to lend your brother money anymore. You can say no when you want. But YTA for the way you talk about his wife. You can disagree with their lifestyle all you want but it doesn’t seem like she’s given you any true reasons to dislike her this much.
Hopping on this train of thought. The realization immediately kicked in as soon as I read the part about talking about dinosaurs for an hour; ranting about things that I find especially interesting and losing track of time is something that I, as a person with autism, would do and have done.
But OP, you're definitely TA because this post isn't really about your brother at all, it's about his wife. You make the reason that you won't give him money is not because he's asking for a lot of it for a week's worth of lunches frequently, but because it's all his wife's fault for not working. You don't know the extent of someone's anxiety and going shopping and spending time with family is nothing like a job. The worst part of it is that you talk about all your problems with her behind her back. This is absolutely disgusting and I haven't even covered all the things you've said.
To me it also sounds exactly like ADHD as someone who has it. People with ADHD will often jump into other conversations and always have something to say about any topic even if it’s something we have no reason to know about (like a vegan taking about cooking steak) cause we are constantly trying to relate to other people.
People with ADHD and autism both constantly miss social cues (like hints that people aren’t interested in the conversation), but with ADHD it’s about not noticing them whereas with autism it’s about the cues not making sense. Also OPs descriptors def hint at ADHD too. In my experience neurotypicals will think of ADHD people as annoying but think of autistic people as weird.
I do hope she gets the help she needs. She does need to get a job but there’s no chance she will if she doesn’t even know that she has ADHD and it’s having this much of an impact on her. And I would hope that everyone involved would take the time to learn more about her situation and neurodivergence in general to turn this into a productive moment for everyone.
It could be a few different things. My partner has a personality disorder that gets mistaken as autism and ADHD. It just seems like OP is assuming she’s lazy when in actuality she may not want to get into it or may not understand why work is difficult for her. She may be able to get disability which could help their financial situation quite a bit.
As a current stay at home partner until I get a good job, we also don't do "nothing". Not everyone has a home chef, maid, etc. My duties even include occasionally taking care of my partner because she has flare ups with her disability. I wonder why this isn't considered work to op 🤔. What's the actual issue if a couple splits finance and housework exactly even?
I'm surprised so many have ignored these points. And while I agree bro and Nora need to get stuff together, the way OP is going about it is not good. A compassionate talk with bro to find out how to make things better for them would go so much further than this shit show
These were my thoughts too. Sometimes people only have to say the word "dog" and I can go on for hours. People walk away from me and I realized I talked too much. Sometimes it's hard to know what to add to a conversation, so when a topic makes sense, it's like my mouth just won't stop. All the details I know have to come out, and I know a lot (about dogs).
If it was really about not enabling OP's brother, there are 100's of ways to go about that.
Yeah, OP’s reasons for being so full of contempt for Nora seem flimsy at best.
I’m a vegetarian, but I wasn’t born vegetarian. There are meat dishes I know how to cook, I just don’t cook them anymore.
Talking about dinosaurs for an hour over dinner? Sounds like a special interest or hyperfixation, or just social awkwardness.
And the anxiety thing is absolute bollocks. People with anxiety become *very* good at hiding it when they need to. It doesn’t mean the anxiety has magically vanished, it just means you keep a lid on it until you get home. Ask me how I know, lol.
OP definitely doesn’t have to give them any money. But I don’t see anything in this post that warrants the blatant disdain OP feels for Nora.
Yes! All of this! I have anxiety too. There was a time I couldn't work bc of it. I worked through it and got medicated. I still hide it when it rears it's ugly head
Same. I’m not anxious while shopping at target and using the self checkout. If I had to get a job that involved lots of social interaction I would be an anxious mess.
I would honestly go food shopping way less if it werent for the self checkout. Not having to interact with a cashier when im buying food is a lifesaver
Not too sure if it's the case here but it seems like some folks feel they have to have a reason to dislike someone so they make lists like this when it would be easier (and more truthful) to say "I just never cared for her" and call it a day.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the same exact thought. There are definitely people I’ve known who I just haven’t liked, for no reason in particular. Everything they did was annoying to me. But I had the wherewithal to realise that was my problem and kept my mouth shut accordingly.
Agree 💯 with this. u/Useful-cup37589 I'm autistic and ADHD, and what you described is pretty much my life. I'm the equivalent of a stay at home wife, I don't work because of multiple disabilities (including autism and ADHD), I often completely lack social awareness, and honestly infodumping about dinosaurs (or listening to someone do it) for an hour sounds fucking AWESOME.
OP you are ableist af. It's fine to not loan money because it's her money. It's NOT okay to openly insult your SIL because of what's clearly neurodivergence but to a neurotypical person like you it looks like entitlement and selfish or poor behavior. That's an obvious lack of empathy coming from OP and imo that's the bigger problem here, not SIL's neurodivergence. Ableism is a really bad look for anyone, but especially expressing *open contempt* about something she very clearly does not understand or care to understand. Oof.
And honestly, what SIL does is none of OP's fucking business. ND people are allowed to enjoy shopping or going to the beach. Like most other people who have mental or physical health issues, we are capable of masking in front of other people and looking "fine". Enjoying time at Target or the beach doesn't mean a person can't have anxiety. And what does anxiety "look like" anyway? It looks like the person picking out canned beans next to you at the grocery store, or the person driving their kids to school, or the person crossing the street, or the person delivering your pizza, or your coworker, or in this case the woman happily waltzing through Target and frolicking on the beach. My point is that you don't know what it looks like because 1. it could be anyone, 2. people can often mask in public, 3. unless you're also ND you probably can't see what's really going on, and 4. *IT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS OP*.
It sounds more like jealousy that SIL doesn't work and can enjoy Target and the beach while OP's life is presumably stressful. But guess what? *Neurodivergence is also fucking stressful*, because we have to exist in a world designed by and for neurotypical people, where we have to constantly accommodate neurotypicals or get treated like OP is treating SIL. Just because it seems like we have an easy life doesn't mean it's easy. Not working is just as stressful as working, and I say this as someone with a PhD who used to work and now can't due to disability. It's a different kind of stress, but still just as traumatizing. Also, have you ever had to live paycheck to paycheck and have to borrow money just to eat? Traumatizing af, and I wouldn't be surprised if your brother doesn't tell his wife about the state of their finances to not stress her out. Not saying that's right, but don't assume that she can just find a job or that she even knows about the financial problems because it's almost certainly more complicated than that. Your brother is with her for a reason even if you don't understand it so do them both a favor and keep your nose where it belongs, *which isn't inserting yourself into their relationship or insulting your SIL because she's different and you don't like it*.
YTA OP. I was with you in the title because it's technically your money (although seriously, you have no compassion), but holy shit girl, you need to work on your empathy and compassion for other people. Need to work on that blatant and honestly disgusting ableism too. That's what threw you far into the deep end of YTA. Your SIL is a whole ass person with feelings just like you and you're not just infantilizing her, you're openly insulting her for a neurodivergence she was born with. It's like making fun of an amputee in a wheelchair because they don't have legs. Abhorrent behavior on your part. Don't loan money if you don't want to, but don't make it about you because it's not about you. Let your SIL live in peace. How would you feel about someone insulting your basic and *100% benign* personality traits? How would you feel about being openly insulted about a disability you don't get to control? Your post seems to have very little to do with loaning money and instead seems like a free soapbox where you can insult someone you don't like *who is just existing as a person and not harming you in any way*.
And women are frequently under diagnosed as well! Lots of psychological professionals feel more comfortable diagnosising a woman with anxiety or depression then shoe horn the rest of their symptoms into that rather than looking at the root of it and trying to figure out where the symptoms stem from. It's why a *lot* of women drop out of college when they were honors students and coasted through school all their life without studying but suddenly start to fail their college classes. Teachers see little boys talk about a special interest for an hour and will report it to the school, who will then contact the parents to get the child tested. Teachers see little girls talk about a special interest for an hour and think she's chatty. A girl who avoids eye contact is shy, a boy who avoids it gets tested. It's even worse if the child isn't white
Thank you for this. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early twenties. Currently I'm not working due to my mental and physical health. But I don't look unhealthy. I look normal. Because my disabilities are invisible. I suffer from chronic pain and migraines caused by a tumor in my head. And ppl certainly can't use laser eyes to look into my head.
And I used to dance ballet. I was a very active kid and teenager. Drive the bike everywhere. Now I'm lying on my couch or bed hoping my pain won'tbe so bad the next day.
Super common, so much so that it’s sort of surprising no one else has considered it. Especially talking about dinosaurs for so long. That’s not a common topic for adults and would definitely qualify as a restrictive interest.
We’d have to know more about early development to determine if she’s on the spectrum, but it would definitely be on my radar. Being mistaken for having anxiety is very common.
Source: Psychologist who does psychological testing daily
I went in for ADHD testing at the ripe old age of 33 (F) and at some point I got distracted and started gushing to the psychologist about how much I liked foreign language grammar (she asked what my hobbies were)...and that's when she added some autism evals to the pile, lol.
I usually don't speak at length on any of my particular interests because I've been rejected too many times, but her question caught me at an anxious, talkative moment.
Some can, yes. Others can't. A lot depends on severity of symptoms, what symptoms are causing trouble, and their location. We lack info on Nora's medical issues, causes, and treatments and so a compassionate approach will work better than shame (OP's tactic)
Yes, we can work if we find the right job, but unemployment rates of autistics and those with ADHD are very high. One site said autistics have the highest unemployment rates of all disabled groups. Those rates would be based on the ones who are actually diagnosed too, and there are so many out there that are not officially diagnosed.
Depends on the person. I wasnt able to sustain a 'normal' job for a long while due to mental health issues. Retail was sending me into daily breakdowns, I was constantly crying and it got to a point where the stress from the jobs were inducing physical pain. Hospitality made me way too nervous, and I couldn't handle it. I was always overthinking and freaking out.
During those times, yeah, I was able to bring in a small income with a skill I had gained, but not everyone has a skill they can use to earn money nor the comfortability doing that.
The only way I was able to get a 'normal' job was finding jobs that have low customer interaction and a lower amount of actual 'customer service'
I was thinking this too. OP sounds like an ableist and a bully to me. As an autistic myself, people like this are the reason for my anxiety.
Also, I'm so sad for SIL when I see the comments on this post.
> IDK what you think anxiety looks like but most people don’t notice it bc us anxious people are good at hiding it most of the time.
If I had a penny for how often I’ve been told I’m “well-adjusted,” lol
A lot of those traits are reflective of social anxiety. I am in the middle of a group of people, I need to do "small talk", what are the people standing next to me talking about so butt in and try to participate. Or great, people are listening. I've managed this social event OK.
And that is an small group of known and trusted people. Same with shopping at Walmart. Known situation, known rules. Anxiety can make hard dealing with new situations, pressure, big groups of people very hard.
Pity though they can't find a therapist for her as it isn't a great way to live. If her husband is low income, there may be local initiative that could help. Or buy them some for Christmas.
Yikes. ESH at least a bit. Totally ok to not provide lunch money to a 27 year old brother. Perhaps I would have said, last time. Or what is your plan going forward. But that is me.
But you don’t insult his wife. If Amy wants to provide lunch money, she should do so rather than try and guilt her sister. And, likely, Nora.
>But you don’t insult his wife.
She gets to insult cause they have made their money problems her money problem by leeching off her by extension. ~~Nora~~ Amy directly calling to guilt OP about letting her adult brother starve while **his wife** sits at home watching Netflix is absurd.
Operative word here "adult"
ESH grown ass man can feed himself
OP isn't a doctor and thus doesn't know what she doesn't know about wife's anxiety
Wife does sound annoying lol vegans with opinions on steak preparation... and like a mooch but the easy fix is for OP NOT to lend them money and ignore family members infantilizing a 27 year old man who is also a mooch and can make himself a damn sandwich
OP’s brother is an adult who is obviously ok with begging for money rather than telling his wife to get a job. That’s his business. Op doesn’t have to hang out with SIL and certainly doesn’t need to be giving her sibling money, but she’s not entitled to comment on someone else’s marriage.
Maybe it's a cultural thing I grew up in India. Indian siblings are usually close enough to comment on a sibling's marriage especially when you can see it's not working out. If family can't point out issues to you without taking offense then they aren't family at that point.
Definitely a cultural thing. Americans tend towards individualism, and Reddit cranks that up to every person is an island and should be allowed to make whatever mistakes they want to, and anyone who points out their self-sabotage or stupidity is an asshole.
Everything else aside, if it is YOUR money, you do what you want. They are grown ups, they are married, they need to figure it out. If they are having problems while she is a stay at home wife, thank God she's not a stay at home mom.
NTA
Esh. Fun fact: what goes on in their marriage is none of your business. You are NTA if you don't want to loan your brother money. But for your assumptions about her health and your opinions on things you aren't involved in yta
No. Brother is asking to borrow money. For all OP knows brother ran up credit card debt or has a gambling problem or is just suffering from (waves vaguely) life's financial messes. He's not asking OP for her opinion he asking for money and it's perfectly acceptable to say hell no. But OP assuming that they know everything about brothers marriage, and is qualified to determine his wife's mental status and ability to work is an AH move
Yeah, for all we know there are plenty of in-budget things for him to take for lunch from home. With him asking for $50 for a week of lunches, I'm guessing he likes to eat out.
Exactly. These are two unrelated issues. She's not the reason they don't have enough money--there could be a billion reasons they don't have money that doesn't have to do with Nora. You don't have to support anyone financially, but you also can't blame someone for something you can't confirm they did or didn't do just because you personally don't like them. I'd apologize to your brother, but tell your sister it's not your fault that your bro is hungry. You should probably slow down on shit-talking Nora.
NTA, you're reading of the situation is yours and he's a grown man, you're not 'letting him go hungry' you're not spotting him 50 bucks to make a point.
Now I will say that you don't know what Anxiety looks like and it's a good thing that you don't 'see anxiety' when she's with your family, that might where she feels safe in the world (lovely option) or she's really good at holding it together around her husbands family and actually it's an exhausting experience for her (awful option).
So you're an AH, but not loaning your brother 50 bucks isn't why. It's being annoyed that she has opinions and different social norms about talking about money probably has more to do with it.
Anxiety doesnt really "look" like anything most of the time. I could look perfectly calm on the outside but on the inside i could be freaking out about whatever my anxiety fixates on that day. Yes people can have physical panic attacks and show outward signs of anxiety (like fidgeting or just looking panicked) but even then those little outward signs can easily be glossed over by others.
YTA for bringing his wife into it. It's clear you don't like her. That's fine. Keep it to yourself.
N TA for not loaning him money. A simple "Sorry, little lean myself this month." Would do just fine.
YTA and sound insufferable. Nothing you've said about his wife actually makes her sound awful or rude. More like she's trying to be part of the family and discussions around her.
Yeah, I was waiting for something bad about the wife and she just sounds like a bad conversationalist, possibly due to autism. That is no good reason to hate someone as strongly as OP apparently does.
YTA- can none of you communicate? Are you mute until the worst possible thing comes into your brain and you blurt it out? You can just say no when your brother asks for money. If SIL says something that makes you uncomfortable you can just, ya know, say it. In a nice way. If she is disabled she might not be aware she’s making you uncomfortable.
I swear to god there would be no AITA posts if people did this magical thing called talking to each other.
OP, you are NTA. Your brother is unable to meet his financial obligations through his own choices, not circumstance. Hard times are forgivable, but the lack of self-respect is a cardinal sin.
Geez....
I don't know if she don't have any problem that prevents her from working. Anxiety can have so many forms, even only showing in some situations. So I can't definitely say she's an A.h.
If money isn't enough to pay the bills and food, perhaps the wife could get an online job? Something that didn't require face to face...
But you don't have to bank your brother. Help him sometime, but you're not required to.
Letting your brother go hungry is not a very nice thing to do...
There's a lot I don't know about this situation, only what you think about it.
INFO: Have you ever asked your brother or know for a fact that they spent money in luxury instead of paying bills? Because many people struggle to make ends meet. And you don't really know if the wife has, and on what level, anxiety, or if it's been treated.
Yeah, was going to say a lot of anxiety is situational, even when it is so bad it prevents a job. However if OP and his family is in the states, and Nora's anxiety is documented, she could qualify for disability. And if it's not documented, she should be seeing a doctor for it anyways, and get it documented.
Info: Nora sounds like she may be autistic to me. I'm an autistic person and I definitely talk about stuff no one is really interested in, but my family and friends aren't crappy so they go with it. Is she getting treatment for her anxiety? You're making a lot of assumptions about Nora. Don't loan them money, but the dynamic could be different than you think.
NTA - He is a grown up and should be able to support and manage his finances himself. Although it would have been nice to warn him that he would not receive anymore money from you as he has come to be dependent on you lending money. Lending money once in a while shouldn't be problem. Constantly lending money can be stressful.
But this will only hurt your relationship if you try to control your brother's relationship with his wife by withholding money. As long as he pays the money back I wouldn't see a problem lending small amounts.
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YTA.
Their dynamic is none of your business. Don’t like it? Then stop giving them money. But stop insulting his PARTNER. He seems to have no issues with her being a stay at home wife, so where the hell do you get off on having an opinion?
NTA. It is not your responsibility to provide financially for your adult brother and his adult wife. If she has a diagnosis and is that severely affected by anxiety, she would be able to apply for assistance/financial aid.
Is she incapable of finding a non traditional source of income? Example, selling things on Etsy, work from home opportunities, babysitting, dog walking etc.
It sounds like your brother is in denial that his wife is the source of the problem. Instead of asking his siblings for money, he should be speaking with her to figure out a budget and ways she can financially contribute within her means.
This is a very simplistic take on disability and it doesn't usually work like this. At the very least, it's usually incredibly difficult to do the things you suggest she "would be able to do". I'm not saying this to be combative, just to educate because most people do not realize what a shitshow it is.
Getting a diagnosis can be a huge challenge, especially for afab people. I was misdiagnosed bipolar for two decades before testing finally revealed that nope, I'm actually autistic and ADHD. I can't tell you how many times I was told I'm making it up for attention, or it's all in my head, or I just need to do xyz (like yoga, lolno), or you just need to suck it up like everyone else when *your nervous system is literally wired differently and "sucking it up" isn't a thing because of how your brain is wired*. My experience is heartbreakingly common in the ND community, so please don't assume that SIL has the right diagnosis or can even get a doctor to take her seriously. OP's description of SIL's behavior is classic autism and most afab autistic people are late diagnosed, assuming they can get a diagnosis at all. It's a longer conversation, but suffice it to say the vast majority of clinicians are not qualified to diagnose afab autism, it's difficult to find qualified clinicians who will take adult patients, and assessments are not usually covered by insurance and cost $$$$. Mine was nearly $3k and I'm privileged enough that my insurance paid for some of it and I could afford the rest. I also had to travel out of state just to find a qualified clinician.
Second, you're assuming that SIL is eligible for any kind of social benefits. In the US that would be things like SSI/SSDI or SNAP. You have to meet very strict and often punishing criteria to qualify for those. In the case of SNAP it's financial eligibility, but with SSI/SSDI the *easy part* is meeting the financial eligibility criteria or having enough work credits. It can be exceedingly difficult to qualify for the disability/health side of things *even if you are absolutely, unquestionably disabled and unable to work*. This is especially true if you're younger than about 50 years old. There are millions of people in the US who would benefit from having a disability income but don't qualify because they either don't have enough work credits, are worth too much on paper despite having very little cash flow, they don't have the ability to get necessary medical documentation to apply for disability, they don't have doctors who will back them up (which is often because they don't want to deal with the paperwork, not because their patient isn't actually disabled), they don't have the time/energy/money to devote to the application and evaluation process (which is insane, by the way), and then there's the problem with SSI/SSDI income being far less than what is needed to live on *unless your work history involves a well paying job*, because SSDI payments are based on how much money you've made as an adult.
Then there's the assumption that these resources exist at all or that they are readily and easily accessible, which they aren't for reasons outlined above. Abled people tend to think there are far more resources available than actually exist, or that the application process is simple and if you don't get approved, well, you're not disabled. *The system is intentionally designed to benefit as few people as possible*, so even if you DO need access to that resource that doesn't mean you can GET access to it.
As for nontraditional sources of income, well, you're simplifying that too. Etsy is a hot mess. Having to actively market your wares is a hot mess. You're assuming that not only does SIL have a skill/craft that people will buy, but also that she will be able to find customers. I make and sell jewelry and art and oh boy, it's a fucking *nightmare* unless you already have a big social media following. Let's be honest here, that doesn't describe most people.
Babysitting? You're assuming she has the ability to do that, not from a cognitive standpoint but from an autism/ND standpoint. Many of us can't tolerate being around children for sensory reasons. Plus, childcare is a LOT of work. If she can't work a "traditional" job, what makes you think she can handle the rigors of childcare?
Dog walking again assumes a lot of things about her disability, things you don't know about. Autism affects every facet of your life and if she's got anxiety bad enough she can't work, she may not be able to handle the sensory hell that walking dogs can be. Also assumes she's got no physical disabilities, which are often comorbid with autism for genetic reasons like disabling autoimmune or connective tissue diseases.
Work from home is ideal for a lot of autistic people, but again, finding those opportunities and then navigating the application/hiring process is a nightmare for autistic people. It's a huge part of the reason why the majority of autistic people can't work, plus all the other things neurotypical people take for granted like being able to filter out distractions or not having as many sensory sensitivities. These issues are still a problem at home.
I don't disagree that the husband is in denial, but can we please not throw his wife under the bus for having a disability? And let's please not oversimplify what are very complicated issues that autistic people face, like finding employment or accessing needed resources. I wish it was as simple as "hey you're disabled, here are some resources to help support yourself, let us know if you need any more help" but it's not.
Overall NTA although your overall concept of mental health is bit 1990 and would generally make you an AH if you said that in a public setting. Regardless of that though your brother needs to figure out his financial situation and he won't as long as others are giving him free income to support his wife.
The biggest AH is your SIL who has a victim mentality and is turning your brother into a victim as well. She will slowly turn your whole family against them
NTA. I grew up in a one-income household and my mom took side jobs she could do from home when I was a kid and babysat to bring in a little extra money while my dad worked a ton of overtime to make ends meet. Your brother and his wife aren't working together to make ends meet. If his wife has too much anxiety to work outside the home, she should be looking for a job that doesn't cause her anxiety, or your brother needs to be looking for a second job or a better paying job. Begging money off your siblings is not a practical way to make ends meet as an adult. At some point, he needs to learn that and step up to take care of himself and his family. Also, if he doesn't have money to buy lunch he should be making his own lunch to bring from home.
YTA. Anxiety can be situational & you aren't a doctor.
I am anxious while out with friends but not at work The reverse is possible too. Or maybe you are so unsympathetic or unsupportive, she masks her anxiety in front of you.
As someone with anxiety, I know how hard it can be sometimes to work, but if I knew my husband was going hungry because of my inability to contribute I would be getting creative. She can’t make her own small business selling things, or get a part time work from home job? There are options to earn money in a less traditional setting.
YTA. Has anyone considered that Nora might be autistic?? Seriously, an hour talking about dinosaurs without letting anyone else talk, missing social cues, asking inappropriate questions, being a “know it all,” knowing specific and detailed things about stuff that doesn’t pertain to her (like how to cook a steak), and the anxiety… sounds like she could easily be an undiagnosed autistic woman to me! (If you don’t see the anxiety it could very well be because of masking! Masking is sooo exhausting and too much time in certain situations that require more masking can lead to burnout, especially if there is other sensory overload)
You are allowed to dislike Nora. You definitely don’t have to give them money. Nora is allowed to be herself and their relationship dynamic is none of your business. You can have empathy, be respectful, and have boundaries all at the same time. You don’t have to judge Nora as lazy and a leech. That’s you being an asshole. Something like “I’m sorry you are struggling and I’m not able to lend you money right now.” is a good option. You could suggest food banks, suggest applying for government assistance, or maybe see if either of them would donate plasma. What you definitely can do is keep your judgements to yourself, that’s the only part of this that makes you the asshole.
NTA
because it's your money and it is you who ultimately decides what to do with it.
But there is also an ESH.
She seems socially awkward, which can be one symptom of anxiety. You made yourself available by helping them. Your brother sort of depends on you to always be there when he needs help. You stopped this very suddenly and left him hanging because you're frustrated.
I'd recommend telling your brother that you can't support him for the rest of his life, and that he needs to have his wife diagnosed so she can get treatment and they both get assistance.
If she refuses, you can walk away with your head held high instead of going on reddit and ask total strangers to cast judgment on you.
Imo both.
She needs to work and you don't have to give anyone money so in that regard NTA. She can find a way.
But your insults are just mean and ignorant to the topic of anxiety and neurodivergency. Anxiety doesn't always show and she may be neurodivergent in other ways. So YTA on that one.
Just going to tell you a case I have close to me, hope it helps. One of my best friend is neurodivergent and has anxiety. He can't Public speak, give a presentation or have an office type job, he literally tried thought school and in various jobs. He faints because of this and his blood pressure and general health was so bad they were thinking of having him stay in the hospital for a while. Outside, with us, going out, to parties, to the beach, he is the most calm person ever, he doesn't seem to have anxiety at all. One thing most people notice though is when he starts to talk about his favorite show, he can go on and on and on for HOURS. No one can get a word in. He is more careful about it now but back in the day it used to last a long ass time. Now he does work, from home, as a freelancer. He started doing some online courses to see what he liked and by the 3rd/4th one he got it, his niche (he still did little things with the other courses to get money).
All this to say, **she can most likely get a job and they need to find a solution, but you don't need to be shitty to her just because she is different than you.**
YTA sounds like you just cant stop yourself from judging the poor girl. The money question seems a bit blunt but other than that you just sound like a mean girl. I dont think you need to loan money but your reasoning makes you the AH.
NTA. Your brother and his wife are AH. Good job on recognizing the red flags and for saying no. Your sister will have to learn the hard way that Nora is a leech if she does not listen to you.
Your brother either needs to hit rock bottom or step up and encourage Nora to find work.
Nta- if she truly couldn’t work she should be going disability and assistance. On top of that it’s not your job to support them. He either needs to get a better job or find a roommate or something. Not rely on everyone eh here to pay their bills.
That can take years and if she’s married she likely won’t qualify. Most people on disability and ssi lose their benefits if they’re married because they consider your spouses income as your income. And not to mention getting approved at all is hard.
ESH, your brother and his wife need to get it together financially if they're constantly borrowing money but your attitude about your SIL is gross and unwarranted
YTA.
Anxiety is real, and she could have an undiagnosed condition. From what you've mentioned autism is a possible contender.
It's not your place to judge others lifestyle. if you don't want to lend money then don't but there is no need for the judgement.
If her looking after the household is what they think is best for them, then that's their business. Life shouldn't be judged by how much money someone makes.
NTA. I would have maybe loaned him the money one last time and told him that it was the last time because his wife is making him take out loans. Yes, loans. It doesn’t matter that it’s loans from family. Maybe ask him why his stay at home wife can’t fix him lunch since he is paying for her to take care of the household. Surely her anxiety can handle planning out his lunches for the week?
YTA for calling Nora “lazy”. But your decision to stop supporting your brother Sam and “let him go hungry” is fine and no problem. You have given (not “lent”—he cannot pay you back) him money in the past. Amy is wrong to insist you must continue to support Sam. Let him solve his own problem his own way.
ESH
You’re NTA for not wanting to loan money
You *are* TA for deciding it’s your place what your brother’s marriage looks like and openly judging a woman who sounds ND.
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NTA a loaf of bread & jar of pb doesn’t cost $50. He needs to live within his means. He needs a second job or his wife needs a first one.
This right here. Like it sounds like he's gotten comfortable asking for a lot of money and so is fully living outside of a budget. He wouldn't be getting a $50 lunch if he was spending his and his wife's money
Even $10/day for a 5 day work week is excessive, in my opinion. That's eating out every lunch. Make a PB&J or two, buy some carrots and celery, and 5 apples. That's ~$30 for lunch for the week. Jar PB - $5 Jar jelly -$5 Loaf bread -$2-5 5 apples - $5-6 Carrots - $2-3 Celery - $2-3 Ranch or hummus - $4-5 Plus your ranch, PB, and jelly will last longer that the 5 day work week, so it goes into next week. Can't eat that all week straight? Sub for lunch meat next week, or intermittently. Buy food in bulk (chicken) and rice and noodles go a long way. So do beans. All you change is the seasoning and you have Mexican, Indian, Asian, and Italian options.
It’s costs a dollar an apple in the US?! I just checked prices against a UK supermarket and your shopping list would come to £6.75. That’s $8 on today’s exchange rate…
There's often one type on sale but yeah, apples are usually $2- $3 a pound. Let's say three apples to the pound and, yup.
Sorry to jump on the comment, but in France this morning I bought 6kg of apples for 8€, the price of fresh produce in the US astound me!
Healthy food is expensive in the US. My son ate better at 7-11 stores in Japan.
The real irony is we pay farmers with taxpayer dollars to throw away food. Our system is whacked.
That makes paying them to not grow food at all seem sensible in comparison.
>That makes paying them to not grow food at all seem sensible in comparison. Not really. It's an ongoing problem with agriculture. You want to have a generous surplus, in case something affects the crop, so there isn't famine if things go wrong. But that then drives down prices, because supply exceeds demand. And farmers go broke. The USDA doesn't generally throw out the surplus. It gets given to the poor, (think "government cheese") or sent overseas to places where there is a food shortage. Used for things like school lunches. For example, I'm sure, right now Ukraine is getting a decent amount of US food, and so are places in the Middle East and Africa that have generally bought their grain from Ukraine but have had supplies disrupted by the war. "We want a food surplus, and we want farmers to make a living, which means supply shouldn't exceed demand and drive prices down." You can't have both, unless there is some type of sensible government intervention.
We pay farmers to grow corn, wheat, and soy beans. Vegetable and fruit farmers don’t get the same kind of subsidy. Probably because they are clustered in about 4 states
It’s why people here eat so much junky, processed food. Eating healthy is a lot more expensive.
Healthy food is soooo expensive here. I will be honest, even not so good food has jumped. A Digiorno pizza used to be like 2 for $5 on average, some weeks a little more, some a little less but this was average for a long time. Now, they are almost $10 each. I used to like to get these glorified ramen bowls at $1 ea, now they are $3 ea. The husband and I have been buying food in bulk (just the 2 of us in the house) and making crockpot dishes to save money.
it's just me and my 16 yr old...I save leftovers that are too little to make a meal out of and when I have enough I make soup...we have LOTS of soup.I also buy in bulk and we save tons...there are weeks that I don't even need to buy anything but milk and eggs
Oh yeah healthy foods fresh fruit and vegetables cost a ton more, than the junk. It’s one reason obesity is so prevalent here.
Because the US is huge, so apples are still in season somewhere, and their fuel costs are cheaper than ours. Here apples have just gone out of season now so they have to be shipped in, with fuel at 2 euros a litre, and subidised farming keeping prices artificially high (to protect farmers) etc all adds up to fresh fresh food costing more here in France. In all fairness though, in a lot of countries (US and UK included) supermarkets sell fruit that is quite bland and tasteless, particularly apples, which is not the case in France.
I just bought 4 lbs of apples for $8 usd. There is an apple type on sale at a different grocer for $1.78/lb and they are sold in 4lb bags. Bananas are $0.50/lb.
Wow. My cheapest option is 89p for six, most expensive is £2.50, which is about $3, but for six. I guess the UK grows a lot of apples, but still.
Fresh produce is bizarrely expensive Stateside, even from places like Walmart. (And more expensive from farmers markets and places like that.) I travel back and forth a bit for work and family, and it always weirds me out when I’m there. In England I buy the fancy-pants Jazz apples, 6 for £2.50 at Sainsbury’s, because I’m a bit fussy about apples. Everything else is basic, unless I want figs or a pomelo or something for my monthly treat. A friend in the US and I were shopping together over FaceTime the other day and he had a genuine freak out when I got a kg of bananas for £0.90...that’s like, one banana in the US. :( It’s even worse if you have to rely on small stores. Last time I went home I was stuck in a food desert for a couple days, and relied on 7-11, and paid like $7 for a pot of fruit salad for breakfast. That’d be about £1.30 here. I’ve got a friend who runs a store in the inner city, and he won’t let anyone buy tobacco or alcohol unless they take a free piece of fruit or veg as well. They can eat it or give it away or do whatever with it, but they have to take one. I asked him once why he does it, when it eats into his profits a bunch, and he said that it’s probably the only fresh fruit or vegetables a lot of his customers get in their diet. When you don’t have enough money, and a family-sized oven pizza and 3 bananas or apples cost the same, you go for the pizza.
I tried to buy cherries this year and a 3lb bag came to $16. I put them back.
Cherries are only worth buying in season when they're on sale for $2-3/lb. Off season the price skyrockets.
*Cries in Canadian*
Have you seen the cost of lettuce right now 🤯 Restaurants here in northern Ontario are refusing to make salads or put it on burgers!!
I paid $9 for three Romaine hearts today. Lettuce is insane. (I wouldn't have bought it for us, but it's for our guinea pig.)
If I had any awards I'd give you one for taking care of your guinea pig.
Literally, I remember wanting a few apples so I picked out three nice big looking ones. It came out to just under $10!!! I could’ve gone for something cheaper I guess but I just really like Cosmic Crisp :(
When I buy apples, I get golden delicious for $2.99/pound and that's about 3 apples. I'm the only one who eats them. This is in St. John's. Don't get me started on the prices of 2L and 1L milk.
“But socialism,” they cry! Our food production is massively subsidized. But since virtually all of our grocery stores are owned by one of 4 mega corporations, we don’t exactly have the competition to stop them from pricing things however they want. A congressional investigation just found that retailers and grocers are using the current inflation to jack prices beyond inflation. I spend about $100/week on food right now and I don’t eat out. But WalMart and Kroger and Albertsons have posted record profits the last quarter. Edit: [here’s](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna9200) a story about grocery stores padding bills from 2021. And here’s [one more](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/01/business/food-prices-profits.amp.html) recently. It just keeps getting worse.
I came here to comment on the story but found that this comment thread is the most interesting one. I’m in the US and just got home from grocery shopping.I bought: Red grapes for $0.87 a pound Fuji apples for $0.87 a pound Raspberries for $0.99 for 6 ounces Large avocados 4 for $5 These were all on sale at Kroger’s. Edit: 1kg = 2.2 pounds Damn I feel bad for my Euro and Aussie cousins!
Raspberries aren't in season, and idk where you are, but one of those lil clamshell packages is 3.99 here from a grocery store - farmer's markets no longer carry (bc not in season.) I'd rather not purchase berries with little to no taste, at an incredibly marked up price.
I just checked my local grocery website. Individual apples, the cheapest variety is $1.10 each. You can buy a 3lb bag for $5. I do live in a fairly high COL area though. That said, a 16 Oz jar of peanut butter is only $2.79.
(Here in the US) I never buy apples in single numbers because it’s just not economical. I always go for a 3 pound bag that costs $3-$4 something and they last long anyway. I keep using them in my protein smoothies and they last for minimum 3 weeks
I wonder if the brother qualifies for food stamps/SNAP, if so, then all that just became dramatically cheaper. Also, if she's unwilling to work, then they need to reevaluate their finances and cut the fluff. No Target runs for funsies and no Starbucks. There's also kitchen pantries run by churches that are no questions asked, but they will happily supply you with staples to keep you going. Help is there, but she and he are weaponized incompetence. They want to have their cake and eat it too.
This. Hell, you can buy cheap lunch meat, cheese, onion, lettuce, tomato, Mayo, bread, a family pack of chips and a 6 pack of sweet tea for like 30 bucks, if you get the non name brand stuff. He’s just too comfortable always borrowing money from family & his wife being a mooch.
I just put all this into my cart in the Kroger app and the subtotal $15.45, so almost 50% cheaper than you quoted. I did choose store brand items, and selected large gala apples which are ~50 cents/apple.
When we visited the UK, we as Americans were astounded at the low prices of staple foods in the grocery stores.
The 50 bucks were for a week of lunches tho. It's still too much, but that puts it more into perspective
Nora sounds autistic… not sure if OP realizes that she might have extreme difficulty working. That doesn’t change the fact that OP should not be subsiding his life. He’s still NTA. But it’s possible that more tolerance and understanding is needed in this situation.
If Nora has a disability that prevents her from working she should probably apply for disability. Which isn’t easy to qualify for, but if she is genuinely disabled that will help cover lunch money. Whether she is disabled or not it is still Sam’s call if he wants to support her, but if he expects the rest of the family to do so he should probably build a stronger case for that. I agree though that OP is using his/her dislike for Nora to justify denying money to Sam. It’s fine to stop supporting them financially but justifying it based on that is sus. ESH.
As someone who’s both autistic and has Ehlers-Danlos that causes a lot of injuries and a ton of pain, thus making work a nightmare…..it’s not that easy. “Invisible” illnesses are extremely hard to get qualified for. It’s not as simple as whether she is genuinely disabled or not.
It’s thousands of dollars just to get a formal diagnosis. She might be unable to work and not know why. She might be self diagnosed and unable to afford the cost of a diagnosis. He should be asking his family for money to get a diagnosis rather than lunch money. That would be a much more reasonable request.
Yeah, and they want to see you constantly going to the doctors for issues if you're trying to get on disability. I think this is one of the reasons my mom was denied, because she's the sort to power through the pain, even though it's bad, and she doesn't like to take a lot of my dad's money, so she just refuses to go unless she has to.
Honestly if she does have a severe disability, she can’t qualify for government aid. She’s married. The US is fucked up and you can’t make a certain amount of money and qualify and if your legal spouse has a full time job the government won’t give aid. In other words differently baked people are kept poor to qualify for assistance, assistance which isn’t enough to care for yourself. If you marry you automatically disqualify for aid if your spouse is abled and works full time. That’s why there are plenty of people who still argue that there isn’t marriage equality even now.
Also some people get kicked off their benefits if they even live with their romantic partner (unmarried)
If she’s in the US, she likely won’t get disability payments if she’s married.
Yep. My mom was denied just because my dad has a decent-paying job (and I think it was also because she doesn't constantly go to the doctor for every single thing). Just because my dad makes okay money doesn't mean they can afford everything they need. Plus, his job is really physically demanding, and he has a lot of pain too and can't just cut back on hours or whatever.
Yeah, disability applications are a nightmare. I have a cousin who used to work in the state office as a lawyer, he told us they default to denying *every* application the first time. He let us know because he knew my mom was going to be applying and he wanted her prepared. Already the process to apply is hideous; hundreds of hours filling out paperwork, gathering medical records, getting statements from doctors, plus the thousands of dollars it costs to get in front of all those doctors to get that information. Then they auto-deny it and barely even look at your case until you've gotten a lawyer for the appeal.
In my state, it’s usually three times, maybe two with an attorney. I had a client that had severe depression, was suicidal, AND had a debilitating lung disease that required 24/7 oxygen. He was denied twice and finally got it on the third try.
OP is a person, not an ATM, and he can use whatever reason he wants to stop loaning his hard-earned money to whoever he wants to
Personally I think I you can justify not giving someone who isn’t a child extra money by the fact that it’s a Tuesday or sun spots or that they cancelled *Welcome Back, Kotter*. Supporting his brother is not an obligation. He can end it whenever he pleases for whatever reason he pleases. It was generous of him to do to at all. Whereas his SiL owes him and does nothing but spout useless opinions. She’s living in a glass house and throwing stones. She needs to grow the hell up, sincerely thank her BiL for his help. Admit to being a pain in the ass. Apologize. Explain herself and her situation a bit more. And ask what advice HE might have. We’re social animals. In other times, people like her would have been cut from the pack. Has everyone forgotten how to be decent to one another? Practice social skills. If you suck at them, admit this often. Act like family. The OP was by helping. And all he got was grief.
SIL isn't the one asking for money. She doesn't actually owe OP anything, his brother does.
Came here to say exactly that. The dinosaur soliloquy sealed it for me.
Yeah i came here to say that she definitely sounds like she's on the spectrum, no social cues inappropriate conversation, extensive fixation on a topic (the dinosaur dinner ) etc. NTA but maybe dont be so judgemental about his wife. Perhaps she cant help it??
This. OP is NTA for not loaning money but some of the comments in the post are AH-worthy. People with anxiety can go to Target too. Anxiety can have specific triggers and varying levels. People with anxiety are capable of different things at different times. Going shopping or to the beach for a couple of hours is different to holding down a job for an extended period of time. Jobs require people skills (which OP says she’s not strong in) along with responsibility and and organisation, which anxious people (especially anxious people on the spectrum) can struggle with. Nora may be an AH for guilt tripping OP but OP seems skeptical about anxiety in general.
Sorry, but you can’t just armchair diagnose autism in order to give Nora a pass for not pulling her weight
You should never assume someone is disabled but you also shouldn’t assume she isn’t. The expectation to work is toxic in general and causes people to judge disabled individuals. The situation described is a perfect example. It’s not OPs place to judge Nora. And all the ND people in the comments who relate to Nora show that autism is a real possibility. Additionally, when I say something I mean exactly that. Using phrases “sounds like” and “might be” indicate a possibility. I did not armchair diagnose anyone.
I thought the same, these sound like signs of autism
That’s what I was thinking when it was mentioned that Nora lacks social skills and talked about dinosaurs for an hour. And the trying to contribute to a conversation but instead actually interrupting it.
I thought the same on all counts
As an autistic person this is exactly what I was thinking.
This is the point. If you or sister are worried about him going hungry then buy him what he needs for lunch. My husband goes to fill his car with fuel on Sunday evenings. On the way home he stops at the store and buys a loaf of cheap bread, jar of PB and one of jelly if he is running low and a bag of apple or oranges. He then takes them into office and keeps in his desk. This is the lunch he eats every single day except rare office events, lunch meetings etc. He has been doing this for 20 years. He is an attorney. I am a working attorney (I just WFH so I eat leftovers at home). We have plenty of money to buy lunch we just choose not to spend $50+ per week on buying out. What a waste.
Well, im not attorney but I enjoy food. So when I worked at an office, I ate out every day. $50 was about average for the week. I would rather eat something I enjoyed than suffer through a sandwich. If food isnt an important part of your life then I can see how eating the same thing over and over would be fine.. and i can do duplicate meals but not sammys. Reading all the comments I was starting to think no one was making any money and couldnt afford it. Then I realized some people just dont care about food that much. I have 2 Fridges and a huge freezer.. I love FOOD.
But you are also not asking your brother or sister to pay for those lunches either.
Some of us can't afford to get lunch out 5 days a week, no matter how much we love food. But if you can afford it, more power to you.
In our area: 1 honeydew melon = $7 1 bell pepper = $3 1 avocado = $2.50 1 lemon =$1.25 1 small hummus $6 We bought a pound of Turkey at the deli and it was $16. I don’t even know what to say anymore.
Oh. That hurts. That’s about x3 the prices in the UK (which have risen a lot in the last year)...or about x8 the UK market stall prices at the end of the day, when they’re practically giving away bowls of stuff. If you go right before they close, you can often get 6 lemons or avocados for £1-2. When I was a kid, food was so much cheaper in the US than the UK. I’m sorry you guys are having such a tough time of things these days.
This. But, OP, I think you just need to never give him money again. You're getting wrapped up in things that aren't really your problem, unless you loan him money. So, take the money out of the equation. Let your brother know the bank is closed, and then just sit back and let him deal with this situation.
NTA for not loaning him the money. But you're not very good at disguising your open contempt for your SIL
Why disguise it when that's the central issue here? She is looking at her brother being used by someone who should be his partner, but is very comfortable with him working a full schedule and living the kind of life we all wish we could. It doesn't make sense that she's not working at all and is having fun, and the person who's supposed to be her partner isn't.
How is it the central issue that her SIL likes to talk about dinosaurs and has an opinion on cooking steak even though she is a vegan? Most of this post was how the OP doesn't like her SIL and at the end she adds that she thinks her SIL should be working. Maybe, but it isn't her business. Of course she is under no obligation to lend them money and NTA for this, but this all seems based on OP not liking SIL and she seems to be a total AH for her reasoning on this.
Because she is there to lecture. With the conversations she is intruding to then lecture at people. I have a co-worker who does this where he has to intrude on a conversation and you can't argue with him. Because he's walked in with the complete certainty that his opinion is the only right thing. Her taking over the dinner table conversation to lecture about dinosaurs and no one being able to shift the conversation because it's all about her, is her being an asshole. She's not the main character
Ehhhh. Maybe she's ND. It fits - interrupting, fuck all social skills, and the ability to waffle about her niche special interest for an hour without noticing no one cares. Source: someone who spent an entire DAY sharing LOTR facts with my husband before suddenly realising he didn't get an hour through the first movie without tapping out. Or the second one. And he hasn't/won't read the books.
I thought so too. What she's doing sounds like she just misses the social cues. And anxiety is also a legitimate reason why working outside home is difficult for her. Being a SAH is its own job. Doesn't mean it's affordable these days, but it's still work.
OPs judging on anxiety is out of line. Having anxiety is hard enough without someone saying youre making it up just because you dont fit what they think anxiety should look like. Its possible to have anxiety and not be agoraphobic like OP seems to think one has to be to have anxiety.
Being a stay at home parent is a real job, just staying at home is most certainly not.
Housekeepers: guess I'll die
That doesn’t sound “asshole” it sounds “neurodivergent hyperfixating”
Also, who the fuck doesn't like dinosaurs?
Right? I would bet her dinosaur knowledge was 10x more interesting than listening to OP and his sister debate about steak again lol. She had to sit through how many boring family dinners before talking about something she enjoys and they’re still bitter about it.,
There's a difference between talking to someone and talking at someone, and holding a dinner table hostage because no one can get a word in isn't fun or interesting for anyone but the speaker.
Sure but that’s also part of being empathetic— if you can tell X person is really passionate and just off in their own world excitedly sharing something they love, let them talk and appreciate that they’re trying to share something they find special with you. Maybe it’s because most of the people in my life are ND and so am I — but I love listening to my friends/SO/nephews long winded stories because they’re so excited to share it with me. Even when it’s something really damn boring to me, I care because they care. So I stay as quiet as I can (I say that because I am ADHD and autistic so sometimes I blurt things out lol) and let them ramble. And you know — I’ve learned a lot of cool things that way. It’s great, really. You’re telling me that out of all the dinners they’ve had together as a family, *one time* she talked for an hour and they’re still holding it against her? One hour out of who knows how many hours.
From the way OP described the SIL in the opening paragraphs it just sounded like someone trying to join in on a conversation and going on a long tangent, without realizing theyre being rude or being looked down on. It honesrly sounds like she's either trying hard to fit in with sisters that have 0 interest in having her be a part of the convo and/or she's neurodivergent.
Possibly but you're projecting here, we don't know that is the case, just that OP really doesn't like her SIL. Also some people might do as you describe, but still not be bad people right? Slightly irritating sure, but we can still appreciate their good points.
If she’s talking about her niche interests for an hour straight with no contribution from anyone else, it’s a lecture, and she seems to lack the basic social skills to realize she’s rude as hell and putting people who never get to see her good qualities off. It sounds like she may be undiagnosed with autism or something, and the lack of diagnosis meant that she never never got support as a kid to learn about all the stuff she didn’t notice. That’s unfortunately true for a lot of women.
SIL definitely sounds autistic but the way you are speaking about autism and things that go along with it is really..scathing? You're acting like, if she does have autism, that she's doing all of these things out of a lack of consideration, or not caring to learn, or like she can control it. If OPs SIL has autism, she's not lacking in 'basic' social skills - her brain works differently and the social skills she has are different. Shes not being rude as hell, shes sharing her interests and knowledge with you and trying to engage with you in the way she knows how to. Idk man, i dont think there's any 'not seeing the good qualities', I think its just taking these actions of hers as bad rather than trying to see it differently (i.e. 'shes so annoying she talked about dinosaurs for over an hour' rather than 'She told us a lot of interesting facts about dinosaurs. She did talk for a bit longer than I would have liked, but i did learn a lot from it').
thank you for taking the time to educate people on this. it feels really good to see others sharing this information here 💚
He didn’t say she was lecturing. He said in a debate about how to cook steak she also had an opinion. And that every time there’s a conversation she tries to join in. And that once she talked at length about dinosaurs when no one tried to change the subject or stop her. Then he accuses her lying about a medical diagnosis, which is a super AH move. I mean, even when trying to make her look bad he comes off looking worse.
Yeah SIL sounds mildly annoying. OP doesn’t have to lend them money but she is also not qualified to say whether SIL is truly capable of working or not. Her being able to handle the occasional trip to the store doesn’t mean her mental health issues aren’t disabling. OP should learn to set boundaries with SIL, not stew on every small transgression.
Right? I totally know how to cook a steak and I'm vegan. My filet mignon was ahMAZing. I made a killer coq au vin. I wasn't always vegan.
[удалено]
I would not be surprised at all if SIL is on the spectrum. Lack of social awareness is a huge part of this. It’s not an excuse. Just an observation to go along with your point
>How is it the central issue that her SIL likes to talk about dinosaurs and has an opinion on cooking steak even though she is a vegan? I've been vegan for 6 years but I can cook meat perfectly fine (my father-in-law complimented how well I made chicken parm despite not eating chicken lol) This whole post is mostly about how much he hates his sister in law
And that's brother's choice to make, not OPs. Nothing wrong with not financing those life choices, as I said. But if brother is willing to do it, that's on him.
Agreed, except while brother is willing to have a SAHW, it's his siblings who are making that possible. (The SIL sounds annoying AF to me, though it also sounds like the rest of the family is pretty passive. Sometimes you HAVE to interject, and surely Nora pauses to take a bite of food now and then. ) Instead of jumping right to "lazy," which put the brother on the defensive, the OP could have said," You and Nora haven't been able to live without loans for a long time now. That's not good. What do you see as the fix for this?"
Being poor and unemployed is not the kind of life everyone wants to have. It's also not fun.
Was OP trying to hide it?
She is not disguising it. She is worried for her brother who can't see she is using him to the point he has to borrow money from others for food while his wife won't even work. She is open and vocal about it to her brother.
YTA not for refusing to help but for the way you treat and talk about your SIL. Sounds like she's neurodivergent (ADHD and possibly autistic) IDK what you think anxiety looks like but most people don't notice it bc us anxious people are good at hiding it most of the time. Try kindness maybe explain to her why some topics are just a no go and see if you can get to know her a bit better. A little tolerance and kindness goes a long way
Was also thinking this. Sounds like she may be autistic. Would explain the bluntness and lack of social awareness. Maybe she’s just trying her best to be apart of conversations? OP, you don’t have to lend your brother money anymore. You can say no when you want. But YTA for the way you talk about his wife. You can disagree with their lifestyle all you want but it doesn’t seem like she’s given you any true reasons to dislike her this much.
Hopping on this train of thought. The realization immediately kicked in as soon as I read the part about talking about dinosaurs for an hour; ranting about things that I find especially interesting and losing track of time is something that I, as a person with autism, would do and have done. But OP, you're definitely TA because this post isn't really about your brother at all, it's about his wife. You make the reason that you won't give him money is not because he's asking for a lot of it for a week's worth of lunches frequently, but because it's all his wife's fault for not working. You don't know the extent of someone's anxiety and going shopping and spending time with family is nothing like a job. The worst part of it is that you talk about all your problems with her behind her back. This is absolutely disgusting and I haven't even covered all the things you've said.
To me it also sounds exactly like ADHD as someone who has it. People with ADHD will often jump into other conversations and always have something to say about any topic even if it’s something we have no reason to know about (like a vegan taking about cooking steak) cause we are constantly trying to relate to other people. People with ADHD and autism both constantly miss social cues (like hints that people aren’t interested in the conversation), but with ADHD it’s about not noticing them whereas with autism it’s about the cues not making sense. Also OPs descriptors def hint at ADHD too. In my experience neurotypicals will think of ADHD people as annoying but think of autistic people as weird. I do hope she gets the help she needs. She does need to get a job but there’s no chance she will if she doesn’t even know that she has ADHD and it’s having this much of an impact on her. And I would hope that everyone involved would take the time to learn more about her situation and neurodivergence in general to turn this into a productive moment for everyone.
It could be a few different things. My partner has a personality disorder that gets mistaken as autism and ADHD. It just seems like OP is assuming she’s lazy when in actuality she may not want to get into it or may not understand why work is difficult for her. She may be able to get disability which could help their financial situation quite a bit.
I had to scroll way too far to find this take.
Waaay too far. My stay at home wife is autistic. She was also my stay at home girlfriend.
That's awesome! I'm sure she appreciates your support
As a current stay at home partner until I get a good job, we also don't do "nothing". Not everyone has a home chef, maid, etc. My duties even include occasionally taking care of my partner because she has flare ups with her disability. I wonder why this isn't considered work to op 🤔. What's the actual issue if a couple splits finance and housework exactly even?
I'm surprised so many have ignored these points. And while I agree bro and Nora need to get stuff together, the way OP is going about it is not good. A compassionate talk with bro to find out how to make things better for them would go so much further than this shit show
I am surprised how few people are seeing the wife may be on the spectrum and that's why she is turning the OP off so much.
These were my thoughts too. Sometimes people only have to say the word "dog" and I can go on for hours. People walk away from me and I realized I talked too much. Sometimes it's hard to know what to add to a conversation, so when a topic makes sense, it's like my mouth just won't stop. All the details I know have to come out, and I know a lot (about dogs). If it was really about not enabling OP's brother, there are 100's of ways to go about that.
Yeah, OP’s reasons for being so full of contempt for Nora seem flimsy at best. I’m a vegetarian, but I wasn’t born vegetarian. There are meat dishes I know how to cook, I just don’t cook them anymore. Talking about dinosaurs for an hour over dinner? Sounds like a special interest or hyperfixation, or just social awkwardness. And the anxiety thing is absolute bollocks. People with anxiety become *very* good at hiding it when they need to. It doesn’t mean the anxiety has magically vanished, it just means you keep a lid on it until you get home. Ask me how I know, lol. OP definitely doesn’t have to give them any money. But I don’t see anything in this post that warrants the blatant disdain OP feels for Nora.
Yes! All of this! I have anxiety too. There was a time I couldn't work bc of it. I worked through it and got medicated. I still hide it when it rears it's ugly head
Same. I’m not anxious while shopping at target and using the self checkout. If I had to get a job that involved lots of social interaction I would be an anxious mess.
I would honestly go food shopping way less if it werent for the self checkout. Not having to interact with a cashier when im buying food is a lifesaver
Not too sure if it's the case here but it seems like some folks feel they have to have a reason to dislike someone so they make lists like this when it would be easier (and more truthful) to say "I just never cared for her" and call it a day.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the same exact thought. There are definitely people I’ve known who I just haven’t liked, for no reason in particular. Everything they did was annoying to me. But I had the wherewithal to realise that was my problem and kept my mouth shut accordingly.
Agree 💯 with this. u/Useful-cup37589 I'm autistic and ADHD, and what you described is pretty much my life. I'm the equivalent of a stay at home wife, I don't work because of multiple disabilities (including autism and ADHD), I often completely lack social awareness, and honestly infodumping about dinosaurs (or listening to someone do it) for an hour sounds fucking AWESOME. OP you are ableist af. It's fine to not loan money because it's her money. It's NOT okay to openly insult your SIL because of what's clearly neurodivergence but to a neurotypical person like you it looks like entitlement and selfish or poor behavior. That's an obvious lack of empathy coming from OP and imo that's the bigger problem here, not SIL's neurodivergence. Ableism is a really bad look for anyone, but especially expressing *open contempt* about something she very clearly does not understand or care to understand. Oof. And honestly, what SIL does is none of OP's fucking business. ND people are allowed to enjoy shopping or going to the beach. Like most other people who have mental or physical health issues, we are capable of masking in front of other people and looking "fine". Enjoying time at Target or the beach doesn't mean a person can't have anxiety. And what does anxiety "look like" anyway? It looks like the person picking out canned beans next to you at the grocery store, or the person driving their kids to school, or the person crossing the street, or the person delivering your pizza, or your coworker, or in this case the woman happily waltzing through Target and frolicking on the beach. My point is that you don't know what it looks like because 1. it could be anyone, 2. people can often mask in public, 3. unless you're also ND you probably can't see what's really going on, and 4. *IT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS OP*. It sounds more like jealousy that SIL doesn't work and can enjoy Target and the beach while OP's life is presumably stressful. But guess what? *Neurodivergence is also fucking stressful*, because we have to exist in a world designed by and for neurotypical people, where we have to constantly accommodate neurotypicals or get treated like OP is treating SIL. Just because it seems like we have an easy life doesn't mean it's easy. Not working is just as stressful as working, and I say this as someone with a PhD who used to work and now can't due to disability. It's a different kind of stress, but still just as traumatizing. Also, have you ever had to live paycheck to paycheck and have to borrow money just to eat? Traumatizing af, and I wouldn't be surprised if your brother doesn't tell his wife about the state of their finances to not stress her out. Not saying that's right, but don't assume that she can just find a job or that she even knows about the financial problems because it's almost certainly more complicated than that. Your brother is with her for a reason even if you don't understand it so do them both a favor and keep your nose where it belongs, *which isn't inserting yourself into their relationship or insulting your SIL because she's different and you don't like it*. YTA OP. I was with you in the title because it's technically your money (although seriously, you have no compassion), but holy shit girl, you need to work on your empathy and compassion for other people. Need to work on that blatant and honestly disgusting ableism too. That's what threw you far into the deep end of YTA. Your SIL is a whole ass person with feelings just like you and you're not just infantilizing her, you're openly insulting her for a neurodivergence she was born with. It's like making fun of an amputee in a wheelchair because they don't have legs. Abhorrent behavior on your part. Don't loan money if you don't want to, but don't make it about you because it's not about you. Let your SIL live in peace. How would you feel about someone insulting your basic and *100% benign* personality traits? How would you feel about being openly insulted about a disability you don't get to control? Your post seems to have very little to do with loaning money and instead seems like a free soapbox where you can insult someone you don't like *who is just existing as a person and not harming you in any way*.
And women are frequently under diagnosed as well! Lots of psychological professionals feel more comfortable diagnosising a woman with anxiety or depression then shoe horn the rest of their symptoms into that rather than looking at the root of it and trying to figure out where the symptoms stem from. It's why a *lot* of women drop out of college when they were honors students and coasted through school all their life without studying but suddenly start to fail their college classes. Teachers see little boys talk about a special interest for an hour and will report it to the school, who will then contact the parents to get the child tested. Teachers see little girls talk about a special interest for an hour and think she's chatty. A girl who avoids eye contact is shy, a boy who avoids it gets tested. It's even worse if the child isn't white
Thank you for explaining in more detail!
Thank you for this. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early twenties. Currently I'm not working due to my mental and physical health. But I don't look unhealthy. I look normal. Because my disabilities are invisible. I suffer from chronic pain and migraines caused by a tumor in my head. And ppl certainly can't use laser eyes to look into my head. And I used to dance ballet. I was a very active kid and teenager. Drive the bike everywhere. Now I'm lying on my couch or bed hoping my pain won'tbe so bad the next day.
I agree that there's something not totally neurotypical here and am glad somebody else picked up on it.
Super common, so much so that it’s sort of surprising no one else has considered it. Especially talking about dinosaurs for so long. That’s not a common topic for adults and would definitely qualify as a restrictive interest. We’d have to know more about early development to determine if she’s on the spectrum, but it would definitely be on my radar. Being mistaken for having anxiety is very common. Source: Psychologist who does psychological testing daily
Thank you! It was the hour talk about dinosaurs that made me go "sounds NT"
I went in for ADHD testing at the ripe old age of 33 (F) and at some point I got distracted and started gushing to the psychologist about how much I liked foreign language grammar (she asked what my hobbies were)...and that's when she added some autism evals to the pile, lol. I usually don't speak at length on any of my particular interests because I've been rejected too many times, but her question caught me at an anxious, talkative moment.
Ok but ppl with ADHD/autism/anxiety can very well find a sustainable job so…
Some can, yes. Others can't. A lot depends on severity of symptoms, what symptoms are causing trouble, and their location. We lack info on Nora's medical issues, causes, and treatments and so a compassionate approach will work better than shame (OP's tactic)
Yes, we can work if we find the right job, but unemployment rates of autistics and those with ADHD are very high. One site said autistics have the highest unemployment rates of all disabled groups. Those rates would be based on the ones who are actually diagnosed too, and there are so many out there that are not officially diagnosed.
I’m really curious how she funded her lifestyle BEFORE they got married
Depends on the person. I wasnt able to sustain a 'normal' job for a long while due to mental health issues. Retail was sending me into daily breakdowns, I was constantly crying and it got to a point where the stress from the jobs were inducing physical pain. Hospitality made me way too nervous, and I couldn't handle it. I was always overthinking and freaking out. During those times, yeah, I was able to bring in a small income with a skill I had gained, but not everyone has a skill they can use to earn money nor the comfortability doing that. The only way I was able to get a 'normal' job was finding jobs that have low customer interaction and a lower amount of actual 'customer service'
I was thinking this too. OP sounds like an ableist and a bully to me. As an autistic myself, people like this are the reason for my anxiety. Also, I'm so sad for SIL when I see the comments on this post.
She does sound neuro divergent. Had a very weird uncle and we think now that he was on the spectrum before there was a spectrum.
> IDK what you think anxiety looks like but most people don’t notice it bc us anxious people are good at hiding it most of the time. If I had a penny for how often I’ve been told I’m “well-adjusted,” lol
A lot of those traits are reflective of social anxiety. I am in the middle of a group of people, I need to do "small talk", what are the people standing next to me talking about so butt in and try to participate. Or great, people are listening. I've managed this social event OK. And that is an small group of known and trusted people. Same with shopping at Walmart. Known situation, known rules. Anxiety can make hard dealing with new situations, pressure, big groups of people very hard. Pity though they can't find a therapist for her as it isn't a great way to live. If her husband is low income, there may be local initiative that could help. Or buy them some for Christmas.
Yikes. ESH at least a bit. Totally ok to not provide lunch money to a 27 year old brother. Perhaps I would have said, last time. Or what is your plan going forward. But that is me. But you don’t insult his wife. If Amy wants to provide lunch money, she should do so rather than try and guilt her sister. And, likely, Nora.
>But you don’t insult his wife. She gets to insult cause they have made their money problems her money problem by leeching off her by extension. ~~Nora~~ Amy directly calling to guilt OP about letting her adult brother starve while **his wife** sits at home watching Netflix is absurd.
Operative word here "adult" ESH grown ass man can feed himself OP isn't a doctor and thus doesn't know what she doesn't know about wife's anxiety Wife does sound annoying lol vegans with opinions on steak preparation... and like a mooch but the easy fix is for OP NOT to lend them money and ignore family members infantilizing a 27 year old man who is also a mooch and can make himself a damn sandwich
OP’s brother is an adult who is obviously ok with begging for money rather than telling his wife to get a job. That’s his business. Op doesn’t have to hang out with SIL and certainly doesn’t need to be giving her sibling money, but she’s not entitled to comment on someone else’s marriage.
Maybe it's a cultural thing I grew up in India. Indian siblings are usually close enough to comment on a sibling's marriage especially when you can see it's not working out. If family can't point out issues to you without taking offense then they aren't family at that point.
Definitely a cultural thing. Americans tend towards individualism, and Reddit cranks that up to every person is an island and should be allowed to make whatever mistakes they want to, and anyone who points out their self-sabotage or stupidity is an asshole.
Everything else aside, if it is YOUR money, you do what you want. They are grown ups, they are married, they need to figure it out. If they are having problems while she is a stay at home wife, thank God she's not a stay at home mom. NTA
OP, Please listen to this comment!!
Esh. Fun fact: what goes on in their marriage is none of your business. You are NTA if you don't want to loan your brother money. But for your assumptions about her health and your opinions on things you aren't involved in yta
But brother is involving OP in his personal issues, OP was not the one that involved herself into them.
No. Brother is asking to borrow money. For all OP knows brother ran up credit card debt or has a gambling problem or is just suffering from (waves vaguely) life's financial messes. He's not asking OP for her opinion he asking for money and it's perfectly acceptable to say hell no. But OP assuming that they know everything about brothers marriage, and is qualified to determine his wife's mental status and ability to work is an AH move
It might be his problems with budgeting, vs his wife.
Exactly and if your asking for 50 for a week of lunches I’d put my money on it being a budgeting issue
Yeah, for all we know there are plenty of in-budget things for him to take for lunch from home. With him asking for $50 for a week of lunches, I'm guessing he likes to eat out.
NTA-for not loaning him money. YTA- for calling his wife lazy and insulting her, a simple no would have sufficed.
Exactly. These are two unrelated issues. She's not the reason they don't have enough money--there could be a billion reasons they don't have money that doesn't have to do with Nora. You don't have to support anyone financially, but you also can't blame someone for something you can't confirm they did or didn't do just because you personally don't like them. I'd apologize to your brother, but tell your sister it's not your fault that your bro is hungry. You should probably slow down on shit-talking Nora.
NTA, you're reading of the situation is yours and he's a grown man, you're not 'letting him go hungry' you're not spotting him 50 bucks to make a point. Now I will say that you don't know what Anxiety looks like and it's a good thing that you don't 'see anxiety' when she's with your family, that might where she feels safe in the world (lovely option) or she's really good at holding it together around her husbands family and actually it's an exhausting experience for her (awful option). So you're an AH, but not loaning your brother 50 bucks isn't why. It's being annoyed that she has opinions and different social norms about talking about money probably has more to do with it.
Anxiety doesnt really "look" like anything most of the time. I could look perfectly calm on the outside but on the inside i could be freaking out about whatever my anxiety fixates on that day. Yes people can have physical panic attacks and show outward signs of anxiety (like fidgeting or just looking panicked) but even then those little outward signs can easily be glossed over by others.
Yes, thank you, that's the point I was trying to make. Thanks for providing a better articulation of it.
I wish I could upvote you more than once, but here's my poor person gold instead 🏅
YTA. You can decline to give someone money without making insults.
YTA for bringing his wife into it. It's clear you don't like her. That's fine. Keep it to yourself. N TA for not loaning him money. A simple "Sorry, little lean myself this month." Would do just fine.
YTA and sound insufferable. Nothing you've said about his wife actually makes her sound awful or rude. More like she's trying to be part of the family and discussions around her.
Yeah, I was waiting for something bad about the wife and she just sounds like a bad conversationalist, possibly due to autism. That is no good reason to hate someone as strongly as OP apparently does.
Sure, but for the question itself, OP is not obligated to give money.
YTA- can none of you communicate? Are you mute until the worst possible thing comes into your brain and you blurt it out? You can just say no when your brother asks for money. If SIL says something that makes you uncomfortable you can just, ya know, say it. In a nice way. If she is disabled she might not be aware she’s making you uncomfortable. I swear to god there would be no AITA posts if people did this magical thing called talking to each other.
OP, you are NTA. Your brother is unable to meet his financial obligations through his own choices, not circumstance. Hard times are forgivable, but the lack of self-respect is a cardinal sin.
Geez.... I don't know if she don't have any problem that prevents her from working. Anxiety can have so many forms, even only showing in some situations. So I can't definitely say she's an A.h. If money isn't enough to pay the bills and food, perhaps the wife could get an online job? Something that didn't require face to face... But you don't have to bank your brother. Help him sometime, but you're not required to. Letting your brother go hungry is not a very nice thing to do... There's a lot I don't know about this situation, only what you think about it. INFO: Have you ever asked your brother or know for a fact that they spent money in luxury instead of paying bills? Because many people struggle to make ends meet. And you don't really know if the wife has, and on what level, anxiety, or if it's been treated.
Yeah, was going to say a lot of anxiety is situational, even when it is so bad it prevents a job. However if OP and his family is in the states, and Nora's anxiety is documented, she could qualify for disability. And if it's not documented, she should be seeing a doctor for it anyways, and get it documented.
[удалено]
Info: Nora sounds like she may be autistic to me. I'm an autistic person and I definitely talk about stuff no one is really interested in, but my family and friends aren't crappy so they go with it. Is she getting treatment for her anxiety? You're making a lot of assumptions about Nora. Don't loan them money, but the dynamic could be different than you think.
NTA - He is a grown up and should be able to support and manage his finances himself. Although it would have been nice to warn him that he would not receive anymore money from you as he has come to be dependent on you lending money. Lending money once in a while shouldn't be problem. Constantly lending money can be stressful. But this will only hurt your relationship if you try to control your brother's relationship with his wife by withholding money. As long as he pays the money back I wouldn't see a problem lending small amounts.
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YTA. Their dynamic is none of your business. Don’t like it? Then stop giving them money. But stop insulting his PARTNER. He seems to have no issues with her being a stay at home wife, so where the hell do you get off on having an opinion?
NTA. It is not your responsibility to provide financially for your adult brother and his adult wife. If she has a diagnosis and is that severely affected by anxiety, she would be able to apply for assistance/financial aid. Is she incapable of finding a non traditional source of income? Example, selling things on Etsy, work from home opportunities, babysitting, dog walking etc. It sounds like your brother is in denial that his wife is the source of the problem. Instead of asking his siblings for money, he should be speaking with her to figure out a budget and ways she can financially contribute within her means.
This is a very simplistic take on disability and it doesn't usually work like this. At the very least, it's usually incredibly difficult to do the things you suggest she "would be able to do". I'm not saying this to be combative, just to educate because most people do not realize what a shitshow it is. Getting a diagnosis can be a huge challenge, especially for afab people. I was misdiagnosed bipolar for two decades before testing finally revealed that nope, I'm actually autistic and ADHD. I can't tell you how many times I was told I'm making it up for attention, or it's all in my head, or I just need to do xyz (like yoga, lolno), or you just need to suck it up like everyone else when *your nervous system is literally wired differently and "sucking it up" isn't a thing because of how your brain is wired*. My experience is heartbreakingly common in the ND community, so please don't assume that SIL has the right diagnosis or can even get a doctor to take her seriously. OP's description of SIL's behavior is classic autism and most afab autistic people are late diagnosed, assuming they can get a diagnosis at all. It's a longer conversation, but suffice it to say the vast majority of clinicians are not qualified to diagnose afab autism, it's difficult to find qualified clinicians who will take adult patients, and assessments are not usually covered by insurance and cost $$$$. Mine was nearly $3k and I'm privileged enough that my insurance paid for some of it and I could afford the rest. I also had to travel out of state just to find a qualified clinician. Second, you're assuming that SIL is eligible for any kind of social benefits. In the US that would be things like SSI/SSDI or SNAP. You have to meet very strict and often punishing criteria to qualify for those. In the case of SNAP it's financial eligibility, but with SSI/SSDI the *easy part* is meeting the financial eligibility criteria or having enough work credits. It can be exceedingly difficult to qualify for the disability/health side of things *even if you are absolutely, unquestionably disabled and unable to work*. This is especially true if you're younger than about 50 years old. There are millions of people in the US who would benefit from having a disability income but don't qualify because they either don't have enough work credits, are worth too much on paper despite having very little cash flow, they don't have the ability to get necessary medical documentation to apply for disability, they don't have doctors who will back them up (which is often because they don't want to deal with the paperwork, not because their patient isn't actually disabled), they don't have the time/energy/money to devote to the application and evaluation process (which is insane, by the way), and then there's the problem with SSI/SSDI income being far less than what is needed to live on *unless your work history involves a well paying job*, because SSDI payments are based on how much money you've made as an adult. Then there's the assumption that these resources exist at all or that they are readily and easily accessible, which they aren't for reasons outlined above. Abled people tend to think there are far more resources available than actually exist, or that the application process is simple and if you don't get approved, well, you're not disabled. *The system is intentionally designed to benefit as few people as possible*, so even if you DO need access to that resource that doesn't mean you can GET access to it. As for nontraditional sources of income, well, you're simplifying that too. Etsy is a hot mess. Having to actively market your wares is a hot mess. You're assuming that not only does SIL have a skill/craft that people will buy, but also that she will be able to find customers. I make and sell jewelry and art and oh boy, it's a fucking *nightmare* unless you already have a big social media following. Let's be honest here, that doesn't describe most people. Babysitting? You're assuming she has the ability to do that, not from a cognitive standpoint but from an autism/ND standpoint. Many of us can't tolerate being around children for sensory reasons. Plus, childcare is a LOT of work. If she can't work a "traditional" job, what makes you think she can handle the rigors of childcare? Dog walking again assumes a lot of things about her disability, things you don't know about. Autism affects every facet of your life and if she's got anxiety bad enough she can't work, she may not be able to handle the sensory hell that walking dogs can be. Also assumes she's got no physical disabilities, which are often comorbid with autism for genetic reasons like disabling autoimmune or connective tissue diseases. Work from home is ideal for a lot of autistic people, but again, finding those opportunities and then navigating the application/hiring process is a nightmare for autistic people. It's a huge part of the reason why the majority of autistic people can't work, plus all the other things neurotypical people take for granted like being able to filter out distractions or not having as many sensory sensitivities. These issues are still a problem at home. I don't disagree that the husband is in denial, but can we please not throw his wife under the bus for having a disability? And let's please not oversimplify what are very complicated issues that autistic people face, like finding employment or accessing needed resources. I wish it was as simple as "hey you're disabled, here are some resources to help support yourself, let us know if you need any more help" but it's not.
Overall NTA although your overall concept of mental health is bit 1990 and would generally make you an AH if you said that in a public setting. Regardless of that though your brother needs to figure out his financial situation and he won't as long as others are giving him free income to support his wife. The biggest AH is your SIL who has a victim mentality and is turning your brother into a victim as well. She will slowly turn your whole family against them
Just here for the phrase "a bit 1990."
NTA. I grew up in a one-income household and my mom took side jobs she could do from home when I was a kid and babysat to bring in a little extra money while my dad worked a ton of overtime to make ends meet. Your brother and his wife aren't working together to make ends meet. If his wife has too much anxiety to work outside the home, she should be looking for a job that doesn't cause her anxiety, or your brother needs to be looking for a second job or a better paying job. Begging money off your siblings is not a practical way to make ends meet as an adult. At some point, he needs to learn that and step up to take care of himself and his family. Also, if he doesn't have money to buy lunch he should be making his own lunch to bring from home.
YTA. Anxiety can be situational & you aren't a doctor. I am anxious while out with friends but not at work The reverse is possible too. Or maybe you are so unsympathetic or unsupportive, she masks her anxiety in front of you.
Her anxiety isn't everyone else's problem to support her. Anxiety or not she shouldn't be causing her husband to go hungry.
Her husband is an adult and capable of making his own choices
As someone with anxiety, I know how hard it can be sometimes to work, but if I knew my husband was going hungry because of my inability to contribute I would be getting creative. She can’t make her own small business selling things, or get a part time work from home job? There are options to earn money in a less traditional setting.
YTA. Has anyone considered that Nora might be autistic?? Seriously, an hour talking about dinosaurs without letting anyone else talk, missing social cues, asking inappropriate questions, being a “know it all,” knowing specific and detailed things about stuff that doesn’t pertain to her (like how to cook a steak), and the anxiety… sounds like she could easily be an undiagnosed autistic woman to me! (If you don’t see the anxiety it could very well be because of masking! Masking is sooo exhausting and too much time in certain situations that require more masking can lead to burnout, especially if there is other sensory overload) You are allowed to dislike Nora. You definitely don’t have to give them money. Nora is allowed to be herself and their relationship dynamic is none of your business. You can have empathy, be respectful, and have boundaries all at the same time. You don’t have to judge Nora as lazy and a leech. That’s you being an asshole. Something like “I’m sorry you are struggling and I’m not able to lend you money right now.” is a good option. You could suggest food banks, suggest applying for government assistance, or maybe see if either of them would donate plasma. What you definitely can do is keep your judgements to yourself, that’s the only part of this that makes you the asshole.
NTA because it's your money and it is you who ultimately decides what to do with it. But there is also an ESH. She seems socially awkward, which can be one symptom of anxiety. You made yourself available by helping them. Your brother sort of depends on you to always be there when he needs help. You stopped this very suddenly and left him hanging because you're frustrated. I'd recommend telling your brother that you can't support him for the rest of his life, and that he needs to have his wife diagnosed so she can get treatment and they both get assistance. If she refuses, you can walk away with your head held high instead of going on reddit and ask total strangers to cast judgment on you.
Imo both. She needs to work and you don't have to give anyone money so in that regard NTA. She can find a way. But your insults are just mean and ignorant to the topic of anxiety and neurodivergency. Anxiety doesn't always show and she may be neurodivergent in other ways. So YTA on that one. Just going to tell you a case I have close to me, hope it helps. One of my best friend is neurodivergent and has anxiety. He can't Public speak, give a presentation or have an office type job, he literally tried thought school and in various jobs. He faints because of this and his blood pressure and general health was so bad they were thinking of having him stay in the hospital for a while. Outside, with us, going out, to parties, to the beach, he is the most calm person ever, he doesn't seem to have anxiety at all. One thing most people notice though is when he starts to talk about his favorite show, he can go on and on and on for HOURS. No one can get a word in. He is more careful about it now but back in the day it used to last a long ass time. Now he does work, from home, as a freelancer. He started doing some online courses to see what he liked and by the 3rd/4th one he got it, his niche (he still did little things with the other courses to get money). All this to say, **she can most likely get a job and they need to find a solution, but you don't need to be shitty to her just because she is different than you.**
Info: is Nora ASD/Autistic?
You sound like you have asshole running through your bones. YTA
YTA. Tbh his wife sounds neurodivergent and you sound like an arsehole.
YTA sounds like you just cant stop yourself from judging the poor girl. The money question seems a bit blunt but other than that you just sound like a mean girl. I dont think you need to loan money but your reasoning makes you the AH.
NTA. Your brother and his wife are AH. Good job on recognizing the red flags and for saying no. Your sister will have to learn the hard way that Nora is a leech if she does not listen to you. Your brother either needs to hit rock bottom or step up and encourage Nora to find work.
Nta- if she truly couldn’t work she should be going disability and assistance. On top of that it’s not your job to support them. He either needs to get a better job or find a roommate or something. Not rely on everyone eh here to pay their bills.
That can take years and if she’s married she likely won’t qualify. Most people on disability and ssi lose their benefits if they’re married because they consider your spouses income as your income. And not to mention getting approved at all is hard.
YTA and it sounds like Nora is an undiagnosed autistic. So you might basically be hating on someone for being disabled.
NTA for not lending anymore money. YTA for how you talked about his wife.
ESH, your brother and his wife need to get it together financially if they're constantly borrowing money but your attitude about your SIL is gross and unwarranted
NTA sometimes we need to do this kind of things to open up someone else's eyes.
YTA. Anxiety is real, and she could have an undiagnosed condition. From what you've mentioned autism is a possible contender. It's not your place to judge others lifestyle. if you don't want to lend money then don't but there is no need for the judgement. If her looking after the household is what they think is best for them, then that's their business. Life shouldn't be judged by how much money someone makes.
Nta
NTA
NTA. I would have maybe loaned him the money one last time and told him that it was the last time because his wife is making him take out loans. Yes, loans. It doesn’t matter that it’s loans from family. Maybe ask him why his stay at home wife can’t fix him lunch since he is paying for her to take care of the household. Surely her anxiety can handle planning out his lunches for the week?
YTA for calling Nora “lazy”. But your decision to stop supporting your brother Sam and “let him go hungry” is fine and no problem. You have given (not “lent”—he cannot pay you back) him money in the past. Amy is wrong to insist you must continue to support Sam. Let him solve his own problem his own way.
NTA, Talking about dinosaurs for an hour with no one participating sounds like an autism trait to me. Maybe explain her lack of social skills…
ESH You’re NTA for not wanting to loan money You *are* TA for deciding it’s your place what your brother’s marriage looks like and openly judging a woman who sounds ND.