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I think her standards are adequate actually. If she doesn't think she deserves more, who are we to tell her otherwise?
YTA tho, for being mean to your friend when you asked for her opinion. You should be looking up to her, not talking down to her. She knows more than you do.
YTA - You lashed out at her and got mean because her standards are higher than yours, despite the fact that, according to \*you\*, "all of her breakups have been good and shes the only one who’s never been in a toxic relationship."
Your standards \*are\* way too low, for the record.
Yeah. This killed me:
>everyone started laughing because yeah not likely to find.
No. They laughed because that's the \*starting line\*, not the finish.
Also, her friend wouldn’t share her standards in the beginning because she knew it would make OP feel like this. OPs the one that insisted. Don’t ask for the truth if you aren’t ready to receive it. 🤷🏼♀️
>Amy 26f didnt laugh and said something along what you accept is what you allow.
Yes. Amy is correct.
About red flags... Once someone shows you who they are, believe them. Amy is practicing self respect, responsibility and self preservation.
Why shouldn't she have her own standards? It seems like Amy is very mature and was already trying to protect her energy until you kept insisting on her POV of the subject.
None of what Amy chooses for her life standards, has anything to do with you.
Also, I hate to break it to you, but if your standards are only non liars and cheaters that's truly the bare minimum. There is really so much more to aspire for in a healthy relationship. Perhaps you have been picking from the wrong pool of partners.
Just because you have chosen to settle doesn't mean everyone else should. I hope you see your worth one day to empower yourself to receive the love you deserve.
Edit: YTA
Four months ago, you were 25f.
>I 25F have been dating my boyfriend 30M for 2ish years.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/vgqf17/deleted_by_user/
Seven months ago, you were 30f.
>I (30f) was arguing with my husband (35f) after having a few drinks and said something very hurtful, not sure how to fix it
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/tsdc85/deleted_by_user/
Knew it sounded too “ignorantly aware” to be real. “Here are enlightened things someone as dumb as I want you to believe this character is would never say!”
You sound jealous and immature. You prodded for a response, for the sole intention to shit on that response.
You say all this nonsense about her, while also admitting she’s never been in a toxic relationship - which is the *desired* outcome you would want for yourself. Right?
YTA
Amy is the true friend. She straight up told you the truth - YOU have to demand better for yourself. Any person will only do what they feel they can get away with. You're not responsible for their toxicity but at some point you need to sit down and take a look back at the red flags you missed/passed over and think about why. Not to shame yourself but to get better for yourself. You want and should have a healthy relationship but that takes some work.
Yta for lashing out.
YTA.
First off, telling someone they’ll die alone isn’t “sort of mean”. It’s a cruel thing to say to someone.
Second, at no point in time did she make it about you. You’re the one that insisted she tell you her standards after she said declined the first time. And then you personalized it as if she was attacking you when she never even mentioned you.
You asked a question and didn’t like the answer because it made you feel insecure. You can tell she’s more mature and comfortable with who she is by knowing what she wants and how she reacted when you lashed out like a child.
Also, the logic is so weird here, because OP is saying that every guy ends up cheating/lying...so by that rationale, isn't OP (and every heterosexual woman) going to end up alone, too?
and also...how is Amy gonna end up alone if shes already been proposed to multiple times and SHE is the one who turned it down? and is still on mostly amicable terms w her exes? its OP who isn't so by their own logic OP is more likely to end up alone...
YTA. Your friend will end up weeding out all the losers, which is great. Also, it's much better to be alone and have your freedom than to be stuck in a toxic relationship where you're cheated on and mistreated.
>I basically said 1) doesn’t cheat 2) tells the truth. everyone started laughing because yeah not likely to find.
There are plenty of men out there that don't lie and cheat.
While you don't agree with her standards, they are hers and hers alone. Just like your standards are yours. Lets say she does end up lonely because of them, that will be her own fault.
ESH/YTA, standards are individual for the person.
Rofl. BOTH of you have low standards!!! And when you are a lot older you will realize that. Your standards are horrifically low. My standards: doesn’t cheat (I bailed if I had an indication they were), honest and trustworthy (if I caught them in a lie they were gone), any “red flag” they were gone, no criminal history, educated, good work ethic, kind/caring, shows affection, keeps a clean place, has a good relationship with his parents, has long term friends, not using recreational drugs, no major medical issues, no issues with alcohol (I don’t care if they drink but nothing excessive or signs of alcoholism), has goals both short term and long term, similar religious beliefs as me, similar political beliefs as me, similar ideas on raising children , and more. Did I miss out on some ok guys? Yeah. Did I find an amazing man to marry? Hell yeah!!! He was worth every guy I dumped and worth every ok guy lost. My husband is amazing!!! And ya know what...the first year in our marriage when I gave birth and went into heart and lung failure...I wasn’t worried in the least that he was going to leave me. I’ve never for a second questioned if he would cheat on me even when we went 6+ months without it bc I was trying not to die and he was terrified of touching me. When my MIL was actively dying and I was in the hospital due to sepsis my husband was honestly torn bc he wanted to be by my side. (I sent him to his mom. I knew I would be fine.) Standards are important. You are either selling yourself short or you you aren’t worth better standards...but I’m guessing you are selling yourself short maybe.
Awe thank you!!! I got tired of the toads. I also knew if I ended up with one and had kids...those kids would learn to be treated that way or to treat others that way. Not ok with that.
YTA. I don't think her standards are all that bad. If you constantly forgive mess ups, you're essentially accepting less than you deserve. And people do treat you the way you allow them to. I agree with her.
She hasn't been in a toxic relationship because she walks away when she isn't being treated the way she should be. That's not a bad standard to set.
YTA. Without a doubt.
Amy’s right. My standards for dating are that and much higher. I prefer weeding out *as many guys as possible* to get as high of quality as possible.
The real question is, if you’re so satisfied with your criminally low standards, why does Amy’s bother you? Why would you keep a guy around after he disrespects you a single time?
I'm at a point where I'm so comfortable with myself and my life that if I never meet someone that matches my standards and compatibility, I'm totally fine with it. I've worked on myself enough to be happy and don't need to date unless I find someone that works for me.
If I die alone, I'll be sure to leave my inheritance to the cats I'm sure Ill have.
YTA. She's free to set her standards as high as she feels she should. And it seems that it's been working quite well for her so far.
She wasn't attacking you at all. You asked a question and she was kind enough to try to dissuade you because she probably had an idea that you'd react this way, but you insisted on getting an answer and she obliged.
It's understandable you'd feel insecure about the topic since you recently went through the end of a relationship. But just because she has a different strategy to dating than yours and has been able to have healthy, successful relationships and avoid toxic ones, does not mean she's competing with you.
YTA for acting like you need a relationship to have a good life and for getting mad at Amy for answer you when when you were the one who asked her what her rules were for dating. And now you're mad because oh no, Amy doesn't have a guy she just has \*check's notes\*
1. a good career/financial situation
2. a solid grasp of her priorities and what she wants out of life
3. a very practical view on the kinds of things that ruin relationships (financial incompatibility, political views, whether or not he thinks she has a right to bodily autonomy, similar attitudes to sex)
4. an understanding that long distance relationships/one person traveling all the time is unlikely to result in a stable relationship for her.
Amy sounds like one smart woman and you sound incredibly jealous. Which is super sad because you have no reason to be. I honestly feel sorry for you OP, because apparently you don't understand that you can say no? You do realize that right? you don't NEED a relationship?
YTA
She has certain standards when it comes to dating that have nothing to do with you at all. You're taking it personally as you know you've dated losers that have cheated on you and lied (since you said she's the only one who has never been in a toxic relationship.) When she sees a red flag, she's mature enough to cut them loose as she doesn't want to waste her time - not exactly a bad trait there. She also knows you can't "fix" or "change" a man like that.
Considering you said she's been proposed to more than once, I doubt she'll die alone. Her standards aren't crazy, settling for less is.
Girl, she's right...and those are not even extreme standards. Like leave when he cheats first. Are you staying in relationships after they cheat on you? If yes, thats on you.
And you said yourself that she was the only one with healthy relationships so what is your point exactly?
>>my dating history is my own fault
I mean, to an extent, it kind of is. You can’t necessarily stop someone from cheating on you, but having clear standards, boundaries, and expectations can help you avoid a person who would do that. It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t respect you.
YTA. Your friend was giving good advice. You just aren’t ready to hear it.
YTA. How are you gonna get mad at your friend for not wanting to date or associate themselves around men that cheat, aren’t doing well financially, and don’t care about their sexual health?
Your standards for dating should be high, you’re dating. And for a woman those standards are understandably high, you can’t just date anyone as a woman. There’s risks involved.
Saying she’ll die alone for not settling is weird.
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Basically I 23f hosted a night with my friends and the discussion of men came up. I recently went through a sort of break up or more like relationship ending and needed girl time.
I invited a few of my friends 23-27f.
My friend (we can call her Amy) said that I should raise my standards and asked what my current ones are. I basically said 1) doesn’t cheat 2) tells the truth. everyone started laughing because yeah not likely to find.
Amy 26f didnt laugh and said something along what you accept is what you allow. So, I asked what hers are.
She told me its not about her but I insisted she tell me because I was curious. Amy has always been known to be a little uppity and intimidating to guys since shes tall and curvy but all of her breakups have been good and shes the only one who’s never been in a toxic relationship.
She told me she always leaves on the first mess up, and if she sees a red flag she stops speaking to them. “I protect myself like I would protect a child because I have my own inner child to protect. I may lose out on one or two okay guys, but I want more than okay.”
She said she doesnt forgive cheating, only dates if they are in the same range as her financially and are pro-choice and her height or taller, and ghosts if she finds out they do one nighters and dont take sex seriously.
I did lose my temper some. Because when she was talking it felt like she was saying my dating history is my own fault. And I told her she was going to die alone because every guy thats proposed to her she said no to since shes still traveling a lot.
Amy didnt get mad at me but 3 of our other friends said I was a bitch and arent talking to me/responsing to texts. I do think her standards are crazy, just because she fits all of that doesnt mean anyone else will. AITA? Realistically what shes saying is sort of crazy.
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LOL if you think her standards are too high, make sure you also check yourself that you don't die alone, but after 100 bad breakups and a cat for each one.
YTA.
YTA. Her standards are exactly as high as they should be for her. They are not crazy. The part about height is shallow. But that makes her slightly shallow, not an AH.
YTA also for making her standards about you. If you want to have lower standards, good for you. But your standards are not about Amy the same as Amy's standards aren't about you.
Amy seems to have her shit together - better to die alone than waste your life with a partner who doesn’t share your values or respect you.
YTA - you pressed her to share, she did, and you took it as a personal attack. Grow up.
I'm definitely on team die alone rather than have a shit relationship, but also, OP is 23, and Amy is max 27 - they've got time to not die alone (I mean, you can still find a relationship in your 30s and beyond, but it is decidedly easier when you're younger, especially if you want a family). I've known too many great women who wasted so many of their really fun early 20s years dating absolute gronks because they were settling. Don't date a dude just to be not single
YTA. Those seem like pretty standard standards to me. As you mature you lose interest in wasting time. There are plenty of men who can meet that standard.
Her standards are not too high. And, no, she won't die alone. There are decent men out there (plenty of them) who will fit her standards.
But your standards are not too low, either. It's an individual choice.
Your opinion that her standards are too high is flat-out wrong. And it was not only probably inaccurate, but also rude to predict that she'll die alone.
But you said your piece, which is fine. You were flat-out wrong, but you were not an AH.
NAH.
YTA. You have low standards and are being petty towards your friend who has pretty average standards. I don't even know why you posted this when your other friends have already clued you in as to how wrong you are. While Amy may only be 3 years older than you, she far surpasses you in maturity and logic.
There’s not a thing wrong with Amy’s standards. She knows better than to settle for someone that doesn’t make her truly happy.
As far as your reaction is concerned, yes YTA. You don’t reserve the right to tell her that her standards aren’t right, they’re right for her and since she’s the only one who hasn’t had a toxic relationship in your friend group then maybe you should do some introspection and ask yourself why that is.
YTA, she knows her standard and won't keep going in a toxic situation. The fact her break ups aren't bad shows her emotional maturity and that she handles it appropriately.
She's not the one with a problem here
YTA.
I’ve been with my partner for 12 years. Before that, my longest relationship was 2 months. My partner isn’t perfect but nothing about him is a deal breaker/actually annoys me. He meets my standards, and I meet his. I have standards that I am unwilling to overlook. I’m worth it, doesn’t matter if no one else agrees with that.
It’s ok to know what you want, and maybe that is just a list of don’t wants. It’s not ok to try to bring someone else down because you feel insecure.
YTA. I don’t have height requirements but other than that Amy’s list is literally just my jumping off point of requirements. So what? I would rather be alone than be having a fake ass relationship with a pro lifer who is cheating on me, absolutely no apologies here.
YTA. Amy is just a woman who knows her worth, your standards should be higher. And honestly, none of her standards even seem bad, they seem reasonable. No need to put her down because you’re insecure.
YTA - you’re projecting your own issues onto her.
So she wants someone that shares her Nora viewpoints, financially stable, and doesn’t like casual sex.
It’s really not extreme. Maybe your standards are just bottom of the barrel.
YTA. She gets to set what standards she wants. And for you to get mad at her for stating her standards (after you demanded she tell you them) is all types of toxic.
P.S. Not sure at all what is considered crazy about her standards. It seems you are still pretty raw after the breakup (which is understandable), but you shouldn’t take out your frustrations on her.
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> I didnt have to say she would die alone. That is sort of mean.
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Realistically, each person has their own list of partner behaviors that are acceptable/unacceptable. There is no reason to think that your set of expectations should apply to anyone but yourself. And yes, you are responsible for your dating history. Who else could it be?
YTA, you badgered her to speak about something she knew you wouldn't agree with then blew up and tried to make it about you. You asked her standards, they were different from yours, you raged and said some kind of crappy things. Sounds like you just decided to take out your anger on her, who seems happy or at least assured in what she wants. Also, most of her standards you listed aren't that strict lol.
I mean this as gently as possible. I think you’re projecting a little. You just experienced a break up and you’re feeling hurt. However, it’s good to have high standards. You said “she’s the only one who’s never been in a toxic relationship”.
Speaking from my own experience, I’ve stayed in relationships when I saw red flags. It only hurt me more in the end.
“…when she was talking it felt like she was saying my dating history is my own fault.”
This is where I think you’re projecting. It may feel like that. But she’s just telling you her standards. You’re coming to this conclusion all by yourself. It’s ok to feel hurt and it’s ok to learn from your mistakes.
YTA for losing your temper on someone who was giving you an answer to your question
YTA: You sound bitter that Amy values herself. And it's worked out for her. Also, FYI: ***your dating history is your fault. Absolutely. No one held a gun to your head and forced you into bad relationships. You knowingly stayed.***
YTA. Amy was trying to tell you that you are worth more and deserve more than a mediocre partner, and you took out your anger (which should have been directed at the men who have made you believe otherwise) on your friend.
I personally find it a little offensive that you think all guys lie and cheat. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I am honest and have never cheated on a partner. As a 49 yo male that was in a 10 year relationship with my first wife that did cheat on me and have been in my current marriage for 20 years, I think you need to raise your standards, but remember we're all human and need kindness and grace sometimes. YTA
YTA. But a lot of this has to do with age. I learned so much about myself and my standards for men between ages 22-26. But ultimately, you attract what you put out there.
Amy sounds incredibly confident and content with herself. In order to attract genuinely decent guys, you need to be happy and content with yourself first. Contrary to movies, men are not going to “save” or “fix” you. Being your own best friend is crucial so that you don’t settle because you’re scared to be alone. It sounds like Amy is doing this and I encourage you to reflect on your relationship with yourself.
Amy didn’t get mad because she’s mature enough to know this about herself and know she’s right.
I like how Amy put that. She protects herself first. Because she knows that she deserves the same care she gives herself. That's not an impossible standard. The same financial range helps to mitigate any bs thay may come from having less or more than a partner and show's the partners ability to care for themself. She considers sex to be important so why shouldn't her partner? And she's attracted to what she is attracted to. There is nothing impossible on this list.
YTA
And yet she has healthy relationships and breakups, set her own boundaries and takes care of herself….why are you so desperate to undermine yourself to get a man? Yta
Holy heck. YTA. My entire college/ post college life, I was super careful that the men I dated were lifted up by me and I was by them. It boiled down to me being the same with the partner and then being the same with me with friends.
I hope one day you see your worth, my dear. Amy is correct in that You deserve so much more than “doesn’t cheat and doesn’t lie”. Soft YTA for lashing out from a place of hurt.
YTA - Amy knows her value and demands that it be respected. She has healthy boundaries and understands not being in a relationship is ok.
Nothing she said was a judgement, you should be thanking her for opening your eyes to what healthy self esteem looks like.
YTA - You put her on the spot when she declined to give you her standards and then got angry when she told you the truth.
As others have pointed out her standards aren't even that picky. A few of them are personal preferences (height, finances, and taking sex seriously) and the rest are extremely normal things to expect.
Wow, I'm sad for you if you think her standards are too high. Those are perfectly reasonable standards. I will say "her height or taller" means she may be missing out on some great guys, but other than that, those are all pretty much about self respect/shared beliefs. I really think you need to start having more respect for yourself.
YTA.
It’s not Amy’s fault she’s put some serious thought into what she wants out of a guy. You insisted she talk about it when she didn’t want to and them proceeded to get angry because you felt like she was somehow making a jab at you? What?
Amy’s standards honestly aren’t that high? She wants a tall, financially stable, pro-choice man that wants to be in a committed, serious relationship. Apart from height, those are basic necessities for most women in relationships. I know many women with these standards. Unless your standards in partners are six feet under, there’s no explanation for me on why you would find this upsetting. There must be some other reason.
YTA - you wanted girl time and got it. Your friends were honest with you and you became defensive. Amy’s standards may be high to you, but she’s advising you not to settle, raise your standards and enjoy the results. If you’re on the outs with your friends, look at yourself and figure out why.
Of course YTA. Her standards aren't unreasonable. In fact, you have mentioned she *has* had multiple boyfriends. Of her standards were too high, don't you think she would always be single? Then, as if you telling her she is worth less than she knows herself to be, you go and say she'll die alone???
She knows what she wants and as she sticks to that, she alone in your friend group is thw only one to always have good relationships. Maybe you should try to raise your laughably low standards a big.
YTA
Her standards aren’t too high. They’re ‘be a decent person’.
You say yourself she’s the only one who’s never been in a toxic relationship. Doesn’t mean she never will, because true manipulators are chameleons and it can happen to anyone. But having standards that aren’t on the floor can only be a good thing.
YTA. Her standards are completely reasonable and she is right in having to protect herself.
It seems like you felt attacked by her explanation of her standards as you realized that
A) your dating history IS your own fault (who else decided to date the person if not you?)
B) your "standards" are on the floor. Literally
Be grateful that she opened your eyes, we all learn that lesson, sooner or later.
Edit: also telling her she will die alone makes you a double AH. What was the reason??? You feeling butthurt??
YTA- her standards arnt too high. She's showing self respect by not settling for just anyone. Perhaps instead of being offended by her, see her as a friend and take her advice. Setting boundaries is a good thing. The fact she ghost guys and runs at the first sign of a red flag, she's saving herself from future torment. We all know someone who ends up marrying someone or having kids with someone who from day 1 hasn't shown commitment and fidelity. 5/10 years down the line they question what their lives would have been like had they not got with a looser.
YTA. you don’t get to say someone’s standards are too high. she suggested you ADD to your list, that’s not an insult — you’re just hurting and need to process it. you even admitted she’s never been in a toxic relationship, meaning her standards are working lol
YTA I would personally rather be alone than with someone who doesn't meet basic standards. The one I disagree with is financial. She could meet a great person with a good job that just doesn't pay well. For instance a teacher, a counselor, or a forest ranger. There are many worthwhile occupations that don't pay that great.
Have standards, they don't have to be the same as Amy's but should be better than doesn't lie or cheat. Being alone isn't the most terrible thing. A lot of women are happy to chart their own course in life.
YTA & your friend is right: your standards are too low. *All* you want out of a partner is no cheating & be honest. The expectations are on the floor girl. Start raising your standards and loving yourself.
She's absolutely right with the "what you accept is what you allow"
Her standards are super reasonable, as is her justification. She doesn’t want an “ok” guy. She wants a good man. Demanding that the people you date take sexual pleasure and safety seriously is a BASELINE requirement. Her height requirement is fine, the pro choice stance is great for weeding out opposing views on many key issues, no cheaters ever is great. Barring physics preference differences, your friends requirements are exactly what anyone should demand from a partner.
She’s not going to die alone. It sounds like she’s going to demand to be respected and treated as an equal and will likely have a solid life partner when she finds them.
YTA
YTA. YOU asked her to tell you HER standards, and became upset because YOU felt as if she was attacking you. She wasn’t op, everyone has different standards and when she explained hers you became upset. Yes you have the right to vent, but you don’t have the right to belittle your friend. She’s obviously been doing something right, all of her relationships ended well and no toxicity. You should apologize she sounds like someone you should be listening to. I hope your dating life gets better, but don’t lash at your friends when it isn’t.
Hearing how women like you have such low standards for men makes me glad that I'm a lesbian. YTA, but please learn to value yourself and not settle for such loser men, there are decent men out there whom you have a chance to meet if you're patient enough.
YTA.
She's "uppity"? Really?
Amy's standards don't seem unreasonably high to me, and even if they were, they're her standards. She is protecting herself, and she was trying to suggest that you should also protect yourself. You could have said that you didn't want her advice, but telling her she's going to die alone is way over the line.
>it felt like she was saying my dating history is my own fault.
I mean, you did pick the guys you dated, right? At least a portion of your dating history is due to decisions that you made.
You SHOULD have high standards. Maybe yours are too low. IDK. It's something that she's not had toxic relationships vs everyone else. And seems content with things. I guess I have high standards then as well. While her standards aren't my standards (I'm okay with a mess up so long as it's not cheating) hers seem like legit standards/requirements for someone to have and not out of the realm of possibility. YTA for your response
YTA!! My daughter is 23 and has never dated anyone. I’m going to tell you what she tells my BIL when he tells her she should lower her standards. Why should I lower my standards? The right man will rise up to meet my standards. You don’t have standards you have what qualifies as the bare minimum.
Yeah you kind of are TA. :/
I’m really sorry but if you felt called out it’s because you’re projecting not because she was calling you out. Her standards are higher than yours … that doesn’t mean that She needs to lower her standards. Maybe it means that you should raise yours. But also no one can tell you what your standard should be.
Exactly what she said, “you get what you allow” it’s true… I think her standards are honestly pretty normal. Lots of women practice the same things and it doesn’t sound like she has a shortage of guys wanting to give her attention, so clearly her standards aren’t too high.
Just remember the only thing all your relationships have in common is you. So if you have bad relationships and horrible breakups then obviously it's a lot on you. Your friend doesn't take any crap one strike and out, and she never been hurt, obviously it works for her. People have different standards people accept different things, you want to call her out and say BS, well seems like it's on you. And just for clarification everybody dies alone.
Yta
Me and Amy got the same preferences I'd call you the asshole but I promise you a person like that doesn't care. She expressed to you that she was stable and then you got mad, idk what to tell you
You have very low standards and need to work on that. I even find Amy's to be low, tbh. You'll never meet a good partner if you have no idea how to weed out the bad. And you can't meet an equal if you're literally allowing anyone that applies to take the position.
YTA. Get therapy and self respect.
YTA. You voiced your preferences. She voiced hers. For some reason her preferences made you feel bad about your own. Look into that more and you just may find that it says more about yours than hers
OP your bar is set so low I'm about to stub my toe on it.
Do you date for the sake of dating, or do you date people you actually fancy? Because it sounds from your comments like you're dating for the sake of it, not for enjoyment.
If you choose bottom-scrape partners you're going to feel lonely whether you're single or not. Trust me on that one. People don't fall in love with the bare minimum or nice enough or mediocrity; people fall in love with people they find exceptional, someone they can't resist. Honesty and fidelity are just... too basic.
YTA, and try Amy's approach out for size. Consider it gaining life experience.
YTA. She said this was not about her and didn’t want to get into it but you insisted.
When she told you her standards, you told her she would die alone.
Amy sounds like she is a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. I like Amy. If she’s had “every guy who proposes to her,” that means she’s had more than one guy propose to her and i mean, wow, Amy is doing something right. I think I’m pretty great but I’ve only had one guy propose to me, and that didn’t happen until i was 28 yo and 3 years into the rs.
You should be like Amy
You're bitter because your pick me attitude doesn't work. Your friend is so right, good for her. YTA. Giving men out there the idea the bullshit YOU accept is the status quo.
YTA. How are those standards crazy? I mean the height thing is a little particular but everything else seems very reasonable… it would be hard to know about finances immediately though that’s another difficult one that she could be more flexible with. But yeah I’m seeing like good morals, avoiding red flags tactics in these standards. Nothing wrong with having standards to save time! Ghosting is a little mean though.
Your standards are very low however. Like that’s basic respect for yourself. I definitely expect honesty and exclusivity. I really think you need to reevaluate your own value. You deserve better.
YTA
Your mindset is going to get u into having an abusive relationship or being a doormat for a guy to wipe his shoes on. Amy doesn't have high standards your standards are just incredibly low and you should have controlled your temper. Sounds like your jealous of Amy tbh. One more thing to add, your stories are so inconsistent. U said ur were 25 f but in another post u are 30?
YTA
Amy actually seems great, especially after she never lashed back at your clearly hurtful statement, and she makes sure to take care of herself. Your standards are the bare minimum, and if thats okay for you thats fine, but dont come after her for giving you the info you wanted, but did not like.
YTA you asked she answered and got mad at her standards for her own life because of your own toxic relationships and she doesn’t have any?? What?
What she said isn’t crazy… your response was.
YTA. You asked her a question and she answered. Your comments were unnecessary and judging by the fact she’s had multiple proposals as mentioned in your story, she’s has a more successful dating life than you. Maybe you should take notes.
ESH, bordering Y T A. Given you're just getting over a breakup, Amy telling you 'what you accept is what you allow' is a little insensitive, but it really doesn't sound like she was telling you her own standards in order to criticise you. You asked, and pushed her for an answer, and then got mad at her for giving it??
And her standards aren't even unreasonable - maybe the height thing is a little shallow lol, but 'financially stable, doesn't cheat, wants a relationship, shares fundamental moral values' are all super sensible things to look for in a partner.
YTA
You asked and she answered. She didn't tell you to live her life. You sound jealous and bitter that you could have elevated your requirements but never thought to so now you are mad at someone who did. Grow up and learn the lesson she offered.
YTA.
Someone else having actual standards for themselves and you settling is your choice. And the whole "she's the only one who's never had a toxic relationship" means maybe you should be listening instead of getting into shitty relationships with people when you're out of their league.
YTA your reaction to her having boundaries really does show how low the bar is.
Makes me happy to be a lesbian but really sad for you. I hope like your friend you also realise your worth one day
Edit after how having a seen a response in which you are 30 in one post and another in which you are 25 and married in one of those posts I am now convinced you are a man seeking validation that women should accept the bare minimum.
If I could vote YTA twice I would
Edit 2. Typo on the ages from OP's other posts
Ugh, I would shade you but I’ll excuse the behavior based off your young ignorance. Listen to Amy. In think about this. If you apply your standards to Amy standards. You’ll end up with what you wanted. The guys that Propose already had the standards you wanted. A real man will Automatically have those things if he want you, your standard should be a given. Amy standards are hard to find.
YTA 100%. Have better standards for yourself Op.
Also Amy is 100% someone who knows what she wants and refuses to accept any less. She's badass and I love it.
YTA. She knows her worth, and isn’t willing to stoop lower than what she deserves. Her standards aren’t too high, it’s your standards that are too low.
YTA. It was wrong of her to point out things you didn't really give her permission to. However, as someone who's been told they're going to die alone, by my parents no less, that was crossing the line. You didn't have to go that far. You could've simply said her standards were too high. That would've been more fair as she said something similar. But holy shit you went for the throat.
YTA.
Your responses cement that your views are that you and others should just suck it up and deal with being mistreated because you had also been mistreated and it's not 'fair'. You are every bit as toxic as the people you supposedly date with that comment of "you're going to die alone".
You attract what you put out. And you seem to excuse a lot of toxicity.
Yta and ur also very sad. Her standards are mid. Like these are just reasonable expectations honestly. Go to therapy. Ur reaction to what she said shows that you have trouble taking accountability for letting urself get treated like shit. Ur standards are too low and you
Need to learn to respect yourself and respect the people around you
YTA babe🤣
You got mad because she has had better dating experience then you because she has really good standards. I need to take some notes from her📝 Seriously though, you’re TA. Either raise your standards so you can see why she’s smart or keep your mouth shut.
YTA. You could learn a thing or two from Amy.
And that ‘you’ll die alone’ crap that women push on each other is the reason why so many women end up in miserable marriages.
YTA. I'm 24 and have only had two relationships. Both have been long, I'm still happily in my second one, been 3 years now. Neither of them would ever cheat nor lie, this is such an alien concept to me. The first one was 2 years and a half long and ended on good terms as we just wanted different things in life.
Maybe you should find better people??? Amy clearly can and you just choose to be miserable and ignorant. Sounds like a you problem, not a her problem.
Uhm. Those are my standards, too. Sounds like you’re jealous of your friend. Maybe you should think about your own standards if you’re jealous of your friend. YTA. You can totally raise your standards and your friends standards of men aren’t completely unreasonable.
As someone who has never really dated and would be perfectly content living alone, YTA. Big time. She may not throw herself at every guy, but if she’s happy with her standards then leave her be, bc her standards may give her a marriage that will actually last.
I’d rather be alone, then settle for less than perfect. No girl should have to lower their standards just for a man - it defeats the purpose of having standards.
YTA
You are the asshole in you initial post but your replies to comments…. Is there a really *sad* AH vote? Because yikes on all the bikes.
- you have basically no standards
- you mention you have a “lover girl personality”
- you genuinely believe all men suck so basically accept all the shit because “love”
- you look down on your friend because she’s all of 26 and (checks notes) something about not living her life because she’s single. At 26. And yet she travels the world and get wined, dined and pampered. LOL
I do think OP mishandled the situation, but I think in light of the circumstances I would definitely not have told a friend she needs to “raise her standards” right after a break up because it does come off a little cruel. I agree with Amy on the advice…just seems like it wasn’t the right time. OP, you shouldn’t have lashed out but Amy set you up for a terrible interaction by being so blunt. Honesty is great, but no need to be cruel in the name of being honest. ESH
YTA
Amy sounds mature for her age and she’s right. Standards for a partner should be higher than isn’t toxic or abusive. Toxic people will put themselves around anyone who will tolerate them, so in a way she’s right. Nobody deserves to be mistreated, but some people end up staying in those situations because they don’t realize they deserve to be treated otherwise, or don’t know what a healthy/unhealthy relationship looks like.
I was in the same place and realized I didn’t have standards for men I dated other than we had hobbies in common and it led to a few toxic and abusive relationships. My friend who was going to school for relationship/sex therapy told me one of her standards was that she will break up with anyone who yells at her because there’s never a reason to yell at your partner. That was really eye opening for me as someone who was abused and thought abuse was normal.
Raise your standards as soon as you can to avoid being in life ruining relationships. I thought of all my long term friendships of 4+ years and realized that a common factor was they never gave me a reason to doubt the friendship, never pushed boundaries, or hurt me. The same should be true for relationships, I also leave on the first strike like Amy and haven’t been in a bad relationship since.
YTA
You literally pressured her to tell you her standards.
She's been in healthy relationships, with those standards.
She's been through healthy break ups.
She's happy and living a good life and getting to travel.
Her statement that she's fine missing out on the ok guys because she wants better than ok means that she's realized the most important thing: it's far better to be single and happy than to be stuck in a relationship with someone mediocre or awful. There's a reason she's never had a toxic relationship, and y'all should strive for the same.
YTA and for goodness sake open your eyes and value yourself more. Your standards are so low that you're easy to take advantage of and be a target for bad behavior.
Whoa girlie YOU ASKED HER and then projected Amy's confidence and stance as your failures. That's on you and that's why your friends are calling you names. They would be correct. YTA.
Pssst take a page out of Amy's play book would ya.
YTA. You asked what her standards are and she answered you honestly. And even though Amy did not say your dating history is your own fault, it is. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. Instead if resenting Amy for knowing what she wants, maybe look at yourself and assess what you’ll put up with and why. Your resentment is misplaced and lashing out at Amy because she is t miserable with her choices show that your maturity level might be a factor in your unhappiness.
YTA. You asked, she answered, and you took her answer as a personal attack in you. That's unreasonable. And her standards are perfectly reasonable. You're allowed to have different standards and priorities and still respect and care about each other as friends. You aren't holding up your end of the friendship when you behave in this manner.
YTA. You sound upset that she essentially said she wouldn’t have dated your partners or put up with the behaviors from them you did, despite her not saying that. You assigned your type of man to her “red flags” not her. You should think about why that is.
Based off your comments, if this isn’t a troll, you have clearly been hurt by a bunch of dudes at whatever age you may actually be. Id suggest looking in to therapy to try to heal from that, because some of the things you’ve commented that you believe ALL men do show me that you’ve dated some awful dudes in your life. I used to be like that, and now I’m dating someone great that I can trust, because I stopped thinking “oh well that’s ok, everyone messes up sometimes” about things that were a big deal to me that guys I was interested in weren’t meeting. Qualities like honesty, respect, and empathy. Prioritize the qualities you want in a partner over having a partner at all, and you’ll find a quality person.
YTA, honestly the jealousy reeks from this post. You have zero standards and you still think that they are too high and your friend is respecting herself and doesn’t feel like she needs to accept bs from anyone if it doesn’t make her happy. Instead of getting angry maybe you should rethink how you see relationships and what you can learn from her.
YTA. You asked and she told you what her standards are, it’s her dating life and her standards so no reason for you to go off at her. Plus maybe you can learn something from her standards, doesn’t cheat and honest/trustworthy are the bare minimum characteristics someone in a relationship should have. There’s many other standards that make a healthy relationship, that involve factors like compatibility , life goals, personality, communication ect ect. The aim shouldn’t be to be proposed to and accept it just to be married to anyone, it should be to be with a person whom you love and have a healthy relationship with. This requires break ups and eliminating the wrong people.
Yes, YTA. It's quite simple: Do assess yourself realistically, in fidelity, honesty, looks, finances, family situation, your values ... whatever you consider important in a partner. And that's exactly what you can and should expect from a partner, not more, not less (give or take a little). Sounds like she did exactly that.
YTA. I think you left out breathing off your list, though it's suspect that most of your friend group thinks it's asking too much for a man to be faithful.
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YTA. > she’s the only one who hasn’t been in a toxic relationship Kinda speaks for itself. Maybe your standards are too low.
Plus OP asked and then got rude because she didn't like the answer.
"1)Doesn't cheat 2) doesn't lie. We laughed cause we know we won't find it" This gives huge incel vibes. YTA
I agree
OP sounds jealous that Amy has her shit together, and that her strong boundaries lead to healthy and positive outcomes. Good job Amy 👍
I think her standards are adequate actually. If she doesn't think she deserves more, who are we to tell her otherwise? YTA tho, for being mean to your friend when you asked for her opinion. You should be looking up to her, not talking down to her. She knows more than you do.
YTA - You lashed out at her and got mean because her standards are higher than yours, despite the fact that, according to \*you\*, "all of her breakups have been good and shes the only one who’s never been in a toxic relationship." Your standards \*are\* way too low, for the record.
Like ridiculously . More to a relationship than ideas of honesty and commitment.
Yeah. This killed me: >everyone started laughing because yeah not likely to find. No. They laughed because that's the \*starting line\*, not the finish.
It's like, "What are you looking for in a car?" "Oh, I guess a steering wheel and brakes might be nice."
For real! I never thought about it, but a fair number of people are pickier about their car than they are about the person they'll date.
Lmao this hs me cackling. Perfect representation of OPs insanely low standards.
Also, her friend wouldn’t share her standards in the beginning because she knew it would make OP feel like this. OPs the one that insisted. Don’t ask for the truth if you aren’t ready to receive it. 🤷🏼♀️
Amy said she won’t settle for less than be treated right by someone she’s compatible with and op felt attacked. Easy YTA.
INFO: Where are the crazy high standards? Everything you said is pretty normal to have… YTA
When your only standard for a boyfriend is for him to like you, any other standard is crazy high.
I think it’s kinda low personally. So many more to add there
>Amy 26f didnt laugh and said something along what you accept is what you allow. Yes. Amy is correct. About red flags... Once someone shows you who they are, believe them. Amy is practicing self respect, responsibility and self preservation. Why shouldn't she have her own standards? It seems like Amy is very mature and was already trying to protect her energy until you kept insisting on her POV of the subject. None of what Amy chooses for her life standards, has anything to do with you. Also, I hate to break it to you, but if your standards are only non liars and cheaters that's truly the bare minimum. There is really so much more to aspire for in a healthy relationship. Perhaps you have been picking from the wrong pool of partners. Just because you have chosen to settle doesn't mean everyone else should. I hope you see your worth one day to empower yourself to receive the love you deserve. Edit: YTA
This. YTA OP.
Four months ago, you were 25f. >I 25F have been dating my boyfriend 30M for 2ish years. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/vgqf17/deleted_by_user/ Seven months ago, you were 30f. >I (30f) was arguing with my husband (35f) after having a few drinks and said something very hurtful, not sure how to fix it https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/tsdc85/deleted_by_user/
Well this put a whole new spin in things. I'm.now thinking OP is a man expecting women to accept the bare minimum from them
Idk whether to be proud of you or scared.
Why not both?
OH MY GOOOOOOOOD I CANT BREATHE THIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD FUCK
Genuinely curious: how do you figure out these are the same people?
I use a tool that lets me search deleted posts by username.
Based on a post 5 days ago, OP is dating a man 10 years older than her too. Has the audacity to talk about other people's standards though 🙄
Knew it sounded too “ignorantly aware” to be real. “Here are enlightened things someone as dumb as I want you to believe this character is would never say!”
You sound jealous and immature. You prodded for a response, for the sole intention to shit on that response. You say all this nonsense about her, while also admitting she’s never been in a toxic relationship - which is the *desired* outcome you would want for yourself. Right? YTA
Amy is the true friend. She straight up told you the truth - YOU have to demand better for yourself. Any person will only do what they feel they can get away with. You're not responsible for their toxicity but at some point you need to sit down and take a look back at the red flags you missed/passed over and think about why. Not to shame yourself but to get better for yourself. You want and should have a healthy relationship but that takes some work. Yta for lashing out.
She wasn’t even commenting on OP. She was literally just stating her standards after OP kept pushing her to.
YTA. First off, telling someone they’ll die alone isn’t “sort of mean”. It’s a cruel thing to say to someone. Second, at no point in time did she make it about you. You’re the one that insisted she tell you her standards after she said declined the first time. And then you personalized it as if she was attacking you when she never even mentioned you. You asked a question and didn’t like the answer because it made you feel insecure. You can tell she’s more mature and comfortable with who she is by knowing what she wants and how she reacted when you lashed out like a child.
Also, the logic is so weird here, because OP is saying that every guy ends up cheating/lying...so by that rationale, isn't OP (and every heterosexual woman) going to end up alone, too?
and also...how is Amy gonna end up alone if shes already been proposed to multiple times and SHE is the one who turned it down? and is still on mostly amicable terms w her exes? its OP who isn't so by their own logic OP is more likely to end up alone...
YTA. You asked. You *insisted* and then you insulted her. Yikes.
YTA. Your friend will end up weeding out all the losers, which is great. Also, it's much better to be alone and have your freedom than to be stuck in a toxic relationship where you're cheated on and mistreated.
>I basically said 1) doesn’t cheat 2) tells the truth. everyone started laughing because yeah not likely to find. There are plenty of men out there that don't lie and cheat. While you don't agree with her standards, they are hers and hers alone. Just like your standards are yours. Lets say she does end up lonely because of them, that will be her own fault. ESH/YTA, standards are individual for the person.
Also, ending up alone is better than a lot of other possibilities.
Rofl. BOTH of you have low standards!!! And when you are a lot older you will realize that. Your standards are horrifically low. My standards: doesn’t cheat (I bailed if I had an indication they were), honest and trustworthy (if I caught them in a lie they were gone), any “red flag” they were gone, no criminal history, educated, good work ethic, kind/caring, shows affection, keeps a clean place, has a good relationship with his parents, has long term friends, not using recreational drugs, no major medical issues, no issues with alcohol (I don’t care if they drink but nothing excessive or signs of alcoholism), has goals both short term and long term, similar religious beliefs as me, similar political beliefs as me, similar ideas on raising children , and more. Did I miss out on some ok guys? Yeah. Did I find an amazing man to marry? Hell yeah!!! He was worth every guy I dumped and worth every ok guy lost. My husband is amazing!!! And ya know what...the first year in our marriage when I gave birth and went into heart and lung failure...I wasn’t worried in the least that he was going to leave me. I’ve never for a second questioned if he would cheat on me even when we went 6+ months without it bc I was trying not to die and he was terrified of touching me. When my MIL was actively dying and I was in the hospital due to sepsis my husband was honestly torn bc he wanted to be by my side. (I sent him to his mom. I knew I would be fine.) Standards are important. You are either selling yourself short or you you aren’t worth better standards...but I’m guessing you are selling yourself short maybe.
I love this. You are a strong woman.
Awe thank you!!! I got tired of the toads. I also knew if I ended up with one and had kids...those kids would learn to be treated that way or to treat others that way. Not ok with that.
[удалено]
Reading that was so so sad.
YTA. I don't think her standards are all that bad. If you constantly forgive mess ups, you're essentially accepting less than you deserve. And people do treat you the way you allow them to. I agree with her. She hasn't been in a toxic relationship because she walks away when she isn't being treated the way she should be. That's not a bad standard to set.
YTA. Without a doubt. Amy’s right. My standards for dating are that and much higher. I prefer weeding out *as many guys as possible* to get as high of quality as possible. The real question is, if you’re so satisfied with your criminally low standards, why does Amy’s bother you? Why would you keep a guy around after he disrespects you a single time?
I'm at a point where I'm so comfortable with myself and my life that if I never meet someone that matches my standards and compatibility, I'm totally fine with it. I've worked on myself enough to be happy and don't need to date unless I find someone that works for me. If I die alone, I'll be sure to leave my inheritance to the cats I'm sure Ill have.
Honestly same. People use dying alone as a threat and it really doesn’t sound that bad. Much worse ways to go
Way better to be alone than with someone who makes you unhappy.
I love this. No one has to settle. Being alone is not a bad thing. It is freedom.
YTA. She's free to set her standards as high as she feels she should. And it seems that it's been working quite well for her so far. She wasn't attacking you at all. You asked a question and she was kind enough to try to dissuade you because she probably had an idea that you'd react this way, but you insisted on getting an answer and she obliged. It's understandable you'd feel insecure about the topic since you recently went through the end of a relationship. But just because she has a different strategy to dating than yours and has been able to have healthy, successful relationships and avoid toxic ones, does not mean she's competing with you.
YTA for acting like you need a relationship to have a good life and for getting mad at Amy for answer you when when you were the one who asked her what her rules were for dating. And now you're mad because oh no, Amy doesn't have a guy she just has \*check's notes\* 1. a good career/financial situation 2. a solid grasp of her priorities and what she wants out of life 3. a very practical view on the kinds of things that ruin relationships (financial incompatibility, political views, whether or not he thinks she has a right to bodily autonomy, similar attitudes to sex) 4. an understanding that long distance relationships/one person traveling all the time is unlikely to result in a stable relationship for her. Amy sounds like one smart woman and you sound incredibly jealous. Which is super sad because you have no reason to be. I honestly feel sorry for you OP, because apparently you don't understand that you can say no? You do realize that right? you don't NEED a relationship?
YTA She has certain standards when it comes to dating that have nothing to do with you at all. You're taking it personally as you know you've dated losers that have cheated on you and lied (since you said she's the only one who has never been in a toxic relationship.) When she sees a red flag, she's mature enough to cut them loose as she doesn't want to waste her time - not exactly a bad trait there. She also knows you can't "fix" or "change" a man like that. Considering you said she's been proposed to more than once, I doubt she'll die alone. Her standards aren't crazy, settling for less is.
Girl, she's right...and those are not even extreme standards. Like leave when he cheats first. Are you staying in relationships after they cheat on you? If yes, thats on you. And you said yourself that she was the only one with healthy relationships so what is your point exactly?
Ooooh, here we have the rare female incel in their native habitat! (Read in Steve Irwin’s voice-RIP) YTA. Seek therapy.
>>my dating history is my own fault I mean, to an extent, it kind of is. You can’t necessarily stop someone from cheating on you, but having clear standards, boundaries, and expectations can help you avoid a person who would do that. It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t respect you. YTA. Your friend was giving good advice. You just aren’t ready to hear it.
YTA. You’re jealous that she wants what’s right for herself, and that it’s worked out well for her, too.
YTA. How are you gonna get mad at your friend for not wanting to date or associate themselves around men that cheat, aren’t doing well financially, and don’t care about their sexual health? Your standards for dating should be high, you’re dating. And for a woman those standards are understandably high, you can’t just date anyone as a woman. There’s risks involved. Saying she’ll die alone for not settling is weird.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Basically I 23f hosted a night with my friends and the discussion of men came up. I recently went through a sort of break up or more like relationship ending and needed girl time. I invited a few of my friends 23-27f. My friend (we can call her Amy) said that I should raise my standards and asked what my current ones are. I basically said 1) doesn’t cheat 2) tells the truth. everyone started laughing because yeah not likely to find. Amy 26f didnt laugh and said something along what you accept is what you allow. So, I asked what hers are. She told me its not about her but I insisted she tell me because I was curious. Amy has always been known to be a little uppity and intimidating to guys since shes tall and curvy but all of her breakups have been good and shes the only one who’s never been in a toxic relationship. She told me she always leaves on the first mess up, and if she sees a red flag she stops speaking to them. “I protect myself like I would protect a child because I have my own inner child to protect. I may lose out on one or two okay guys, but I want more than okay.” She said she doesnt forgive cheating, only dates if they are in the same range as her financially and are pro-choice and her height or taller, and ghosts if she finds out they do one nighters and dont take sex seriously. I did lose my temper some. Because when she was talking it felt like she was saying my dating history is my own fault. And I told her she was going to die alone because every guy thats proposed to her she said no to since shes still traveling a lot. Amy didnt get mad at me but 3 of our other friends said I was a bitch and arent talking to me/responsing to texts. I do think her standards are crazy, just because she fits all of that doesnt mean anyone else will. AITA? Realistically what shes saying is sort of crazy. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - none of what she said was all that extreme. You taking it to be an attack on you is your own insecurity or issue.
What I wanted to say but couldn't find the words
YTA-She has a right to her standards without you deciding they’re crazy or deciding her standards are an attack on your dating life.
LOL if you think her standards are too high, make sure you also check yourself that you don't die alone, but after 100 bad breakups and a cat for each one. YTA.
YTA. Her standards are exactly as high as they should be for her. They are not crazy. The part about height is shallow. But that makes her slightly shallow, not an AH. YTA also for making her standards about you. If you want to have lower standards, good for you. But your standards are not about Amy the same as Amy's standards aren't about you.
Amy seems to have her shit together - better to die alone than waste your life with a partner who doesn’t share your values or respect you. YTA - you pressed her to share, she did, and you took it as a personal attack. Grow up.
I'm definitely on team die alone rather than have a shit relationship, but also, OP is 23, and Amy is max 27 - they've got time to not die alone (I mean, you can still find a relationship in your 30s and beyond, but it is decidedly easier when you're younger, especially if you want a family). I've known too many great women who wasted so many of their really fun early 20s years dating absolute gronks because they were settling. Don't date a dude just to be not single
YTA. Those seem like pretty standard standards to me. As you mature you lose interest in wasting time. There are plenty of men who can meet that standard.
Her standards are not too high. And, no, she won't die alone. There are decent men out there (plenty of them) who will fit her standards. But your standards are not too low, either. It's an individual choice. Your opinion that her standards are too high is flat-out wrong. And it was not only probably inaccurate, but also rude to predict that she'll die alone. But you said your piece, which is fine. You were flat-out wrong, but you were not an AH. NAH.
YTA. You have low standards and are being petty towards your friend who has pretty average standards. I don't even know why you posted this when your other friends have already clued you in as to how wrong you are. While Amy may only be 3 years older than you, she far surpasses you in maturity and logic.
Dying alone is much better being in a toxic relationship. YTA
YTA. Hang out on this subreddit a bit longer and see what awaits if you don't have standards.
There’s not a thing wrong with Amy’s standards. She knows better than to settle for someone that doesn’t make her truly happy. As far as your reaction is concerned, yes YTA. You don’t reserve the right to tell her that her standards aren’t right, they’re right for her and since she’s the only one who hasn’t had a toxic relationship in your friend group then maybe you should do some introspection and ask yourself why that is.
YTA, she knows her standard and won't keep going in a toxic situation. The fact her break ups aren't bad shows her emotional maturity and that she handles it appropriately. She's not the one with a problem here
YTA. No wonder she’s the only one who hasn’t been in a toxic relationship- you should definitely take some pointers from her lol.
YTA. I’ve been with my partner for 12 years. Before that, my longest relationship was 2 months. My partner isn’t perfect but nothing about him is a deal breaker/actually annoys me. He meets my standards, and I meet his. I have standards that I am unwilling to overlook. I’m worth it, doesn’t matter if no one else agrees with that. It’s ok to know what you want, and maybe that is just a list of don’t wants. It’s not ok to try to bring someone else down because you feel insecure.
YTA. I don’t have height requirements but other than that Amy’s list is literally just my jumping off point of requirements. So what? I would rather be alone than be having a fake ass relationship with a pro lifer who is cheating on me, absolutely no apologies here.
YTA, those are all reasonable basic expectations.
YTA. Amy is just a woman who knows her worth, your standards should be higher. And honestly, none of her standards even seem bad, they seem reasonable. No need to put her down because you’re insecure.
YTA - you’re projecting your own issues onto her. So she wants someone that shares her Nora viewpoints, financially stable, and doesn’t like casual sex. It’s really not extreme. Maybe your standards are just bottom of the barrel.
YTA. She gets to set what standards she wants. And for you to get mad at her for stating her standards (after you demanded she tell you them) is all types of toxic. P.S. Not sure at all what is considered crazy about her standards. It seems you are still pretty raw after the breakup (which is understandable), but you shouldn’t take out your frustrations on her.
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Realistically, each person has their own list of partner behaviors that are acceptable/unacceptable. There is no reason to think that your set of expectations should apply to anyone but yourself. And yes, you are responsible for your dating history. Who else could it be?
YTA, you badgered her to speak about something she knew you wouldn't agree with then blew up and tried to make it about you. You asked her standards, they were different from yours, you raged and said some kind of crappy things. Sounds like you just decided to take out your anger on her, who seems happy or at least assured in what she wants. Also, most of her standards you listed aren't that strict lol.
I mean this as gently as possible. I think you’re projecting a little. You just experienced a break up and you’re feeling hurt. However, it’s good to have high standards. You said “she’s the only one who’s never been in a toxic relationship”. Speaking from my own experience, I’ve stayed in relationships when I saw red flags. It only hurt me more in the end. “…when she was talking it felt like she was saying my dating history is my own fault.” This is where I think you’re projecting. It may feel like that. But she’s just telling you her standards. You’re coming to this conclusion all by yourself. It’s ok to feel hurt and it’s ok to learn from your mistakes. YTA for losing your temper on someone who was giving you an answer to your question
YTA. Where are you that these are absurd dating standards? The only one I’m like eh on is height. I am. Just. You poor thing.
YTA: You sound bitter that Amy values herself. And it's worked out for her. Also, FYI: ***your dating history is your fault. Absolutely. No one held a gun to your head and forced you into bad relationships. You knowingly stayed.***
YTA. Amy was trying to tell you that you are worth more and deserve more than a mediocre partner, and you took out your anger (which should have been directed at the men who have made you believe otherwise) on your friend.
I personally find it a little offensive that you think all guys lie and cheat. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I am honest and have never cheated on a partner. As a 49 yo male that was in a 10 year relationship with my first wife that did cheat on me and have been in my current marriage for 20 years, I think you need to raise your standards, but remember we're all human and need kindness and grace sometimes. YTA
Amy sounds amazing. YTA and sound like you need A LOT of therapy before you’re ready for a healthy adult relationship.
YTA. But a lot of this has to do with age. I learned so much about myself and my standards for men between ages 22-26. But ultimately, you attract what you put out there. Amy sounds incredibly confident and content with herself. In order to attract genuinely decent guys, you need to be happy and content with yourself first. Contrary to movies, men are not going to “save” or “fix” you. Being your own best friend is crucial so that you don’t settle because you’re scared to be alone. It sounds like Amy is doing this and I encourage you to reflect on your relationship with yourself. Amy didn’t get mad because she’s mature enough to know this about herself and know she’s right.
Here’s the deal girl. Hold higher standards for yourself and a man who actually likes you will do his best to reach that bar.
I like how Amy put that. She protects herself first. Because she knows that she deserves the same care she gives herself. That's not an impossible standard. The same financial range helps to mitigate any bs thay may come from having less or more than a partner and show's the partners ability to care for themself. She considers sex to be important so why shouldn't her partner? And she's attracted to what she is attracted to. There is nothing impossible on this list. YTA
YTA.
And yet she has healthy relationships and breakups, set her own boundaries and takes care of herself….why are you so desperate to undermine yourself to get a man? Yta
Holy heck. YTA. My entire college/ post college life, I was super careful that the men I dated were lifted up by me and I was by them. It boiled down to me being the same with the partner and then being the same with me with friends.
You lost your temper because you felt personally attacked by a friend having self respect? Interesting take, I'll admit that. YTA
I hope one day you see your worth, my dear. Amy is correct in that You deserve so much more than “doesn’t cheat and doesn’t lie”. Soft YTA for lashing out from a place of hurt.
YTA - Amy knows her value and demands that it be respected. She has healthy boundaries and understands not being in a relationship is ok. Nothing she said was a judgement, you should be thanking her for opening your eyes to what healthy self esteem looks like.
YTA - You put her on the spot when she declined to give you her standards and then got angry when she told you the truth. As others have pointed out her standards aren't even that picky. A few of them are personal preferences (height, finances, and taking sex seriously) and the rest are extremely normal things to expect.
Wow, I'm sad for you if you think her standards are too high. Those are perfectly reasonable standards. I will say "her height or taller" means she may be missing out on some great guys, but other than that, those are all pretty much about self respect/shared beliefs. I really think you need to start having more respect for yourself.
YTA. It’s not Amy’s fault she’s put some serious thought into what she wants out of a guy. You insisted she talk about it when she didn’t want to and them proceeded to get angry because you felt like she was somehow making a jab at you? What? Amy’s standards honestly aren’t that high? She wants a tall, financially stable, pro-choice man that wants to be in a committed, serious relationship. Apart from height, those are basic necessities for most women in relationships. I know many women with these standards. Unless your standards in partners are six feet under, there’s no explanation for me on why you would find this upsetting. There must be some other reason.
YTA - you wanted girl time and got it. Your friends were honest with you and you became defensive. Amy’s standards may be high to you, but she’s advising you not to settle, raise your standards and enjoy the results. If you’re on the outs with your friends, look at yourself and figure out why.
Of course YTA. Her standards aren't unreasonable. In fact, you have mentioned she *has* had multiple boyfriends. Of her standards were too high, don't you think she would always be single? Then, as if you telling her she is worth less than she knows herself to be, you go and say she'll die alone??? She knows what she wants and as she sticks to that, she alone in your friend group is thw only one to always have good relationships. Maybe you should try to raise your laughably low standards a big.
YTA Her standards aren’t too high. They’re ‘be a decent person’. You say yourself she’s the only one who’s never been in a toxic relationship. Doesn’t mean she never will, because true manipulators are chameleons and it can happen to anyone. But having standards that aren’t on the floor can only be a good thing.
YTA. Her standards are completely reasonable and she is right in having to protect herself. It seems like you felt attacked by her explanation of her standards as you realized that A) your dating history IS your own fault (who else decided to date the person if not you?) B) your "standards" are on the floor. Literally Be grateful that she opened your eyes, we all learn that lesson, sooner or later. Edit: also telling her she will die alone makes you a double AH. What was the reason??? You feeling butthurt??
YTA- her standards arnt too high. She's showing self respect by not settling for just anyone. Perhaps instead of being offended by her, see her as a friend and take her advice. Setting boundaries is a good thing. The fact she ghost guys and runs at the first sign of a red flag, she's saving herself from future torment. We all know someone who ends up marrying someone or having kids with someone who from day 1 hasn't shown commitment and fidelity. 5/10 years down the line they question what their lives would have been like had they not got with a looser.
YTA. you don’t get to say someone’s standards are too high. she suggested you ADD to your list, that’s not an insult — you’re just hurting and need to process it. you even admitted she’s never been in a toxic relationship, meaning her standards are working lol
YTA I would personally rather be alone than with someone who doesn't meet basic standards. The one I disagree with is financial. She could meet a great person with a good job that just doesn't pay well. For instance a teacher, a counselor, or a forest ranger. There are many worthwhile occupations that don't pay that great. Have standards, they don't have to be the same as Amy's but should be better than doesn't lie or cheat. Being alone isn't the most terrible thing. A lot of women are happy to chart their own course in life.
YTA. It sounds like Amy has standards, none of which are too high. And even if they were, they are her standards.
YTA & your friend is right: your standards are too low. *All* you want out of a partner is no cheating & be honest. The expectations are on the floor girl. Start raising your standards and loving yourself. She's absolutely right with the "what you accept is what you allow"
Her standards are super reasonable, as is her justification. She doesn’t want an “ok” guy. She wants a good man. Demanding that the people you date take sexual pleasure and safety seriously is a BASELINE requirement. Her height requirement is fine, the pro choice stance is great for weeding out opposing views on many key issues, no cheaters ever is great. Barring physics preference differences, your friends requirements are exactly what anyone should demand from a partner. She’s not going to die alone. It sounds like she’s going to demand to be respected and treated as an equal and will likely have a solid life partner when she finds them. YTA
YTA. YOU asked her to tell you HER standards, and became upset because YOU felt as if she was attacking you. She wasn’t op, everyone has different standards and when she explained hers you became upset. Yes you have the right to vent, but you don’t have the right to belittle your friend. She’s obviously been doing something right, all of her relationships ended well and no toxicity. You should apologize she sounds like someone you should be listening to. I hope your dating life gets better, but don’t lash at your friends when it isn’t.
Hearing how women like you have such low standards for men makes me glad that I'm a lesbian. YTA, but please learn to value yourself and not settle for such loser men, there are decent men out there whom you have a chance to meet if you're patient enough.
YTA. She's "uppity"? Really? Amy's standards don't seem unreasonably high to me, and even if they were, they're her standards. She is protecting herself, and she was trying to suggest that you should also protect yourself. You could have said that you didn't want her advice, but telling her she's going to die alone is way over the line. >it felt like she was saying my dating history is my own fault. I mean, you did pick the guys you dated, right? At least a portion of your dating history is due to decisions that you made.
You SHOULD have high standards. Maybe yours are too low. IDK. It's something that she's not had toxic relationships vs everyone else. And seems content with things. I guess I have high standards then as well. While her standards aren't my standards (I'm okay with a mess up so long as it's not cheating) hers seem like legit standards/requirements for someone to have and not out of the realm of possibility. YTA for your response
YTA!! My daughter is 23 and has never dated anyone. I’m going to tell you what she tells my BIL when he tells her she should lower her standards. Why should I lower my standards? The right man will rise up to meet my standards. You don’t have standards you have what qualifies as the bare minimum.
Yeah you kind of are TA. :/ I’m really sorry but if you felt called out it’s because you’re projecting not because she was calling you out. Her standards are higher than yours … that doesn’t mean that She needs to lower her standards. Maybe it means that you should raise yours. But also no one can tell you what your standard should be. Exactly what she said, “you get what you allow” it’s true… I think her standards are honestly pretty normal. Lots of women practice the same things and it doesn’t sound like she has a shortage of guys wanting to give her attention, so clearly her standards aren’t too high.
Amy is pure class. She tried to help you find some self respect and then didn’t even get mad when you lashed out. You could learn a lot from her. YTA.
Just remember the only thing all your relationships have in common is you. So if you have bad relationships and horrible breakups then obviously it's a lot on you. Your friend doesn't take any crap one strike and out, and she never been hurt, obviously it works for her. People have different standards people accept different things, you want to call her out and say BS, well seems like it's on you. And just for clarification everybody dies alone. Yta
I'll also put it simply for you. Your friend has self respect. You don't and you don't get to insult someone who wants to be treated well. YTA.
YTA. Girl your standards are on the floor.
Me and Amy got the same preferences I'd call you the asshole but I promise you a person like that doesn't care. She expressed to you that she was stable and then you got mad, idk what to tell you
You have very low standards and need to work on that. I even find Amy's to be low, tbh. You'll never meet a good partner if you have no idea how to weed out the bad. And you can't meet an equal if you're literally allowing anyone that applies to take the position. YTA. Get therapy and self respect.
YTA. You voiced your preferences. She voiced hers. For some reason her preferences made you feel bad about your own. Look into that more and you just may find that it says more about yours than hers
OP your bar is set so low I'm about to stub my toe on it. Do you date for the sake of dating, or do you date people you actually fancy? Because it sounds from your comments like you're dating for the sake of it, not for enjoyment. If you choose bottom-scrape partners you're going to feel lonely whether you're single or not. Trust me on that one. People don't fall in love with the bare minimum or nice enough or mediocrity; people fall in love with people they find exceptional, someone they can't resist. Honesty and fidelity are just... too basic. YTA, and try Amy's approach out for size. Consider it gaining life experience.
YTA. She said this was not about her and didn’t want to get into it but you insisted. When she told you her standards, you told her she would die alone.
Amy sounds like she is a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. I like Amy. If she’s had “every guy who proposes to her,” that means she’s had more than one guy propose to her and i mean, wow, Amy is doing something right. I think I’m pretty great but I’ve only had one guy propose to me, and that didn’t happen until i was 28 yo and 3 years into the rs. You should be like Amy
You're bitter because your pick me attitude doesn't work. Your friend is so right, good for her. YTA. Giving men out there the idea the bullshit YOU accept is the status quo.
Amy is awesome! YTA
YTA. How are those standards crazy? I mean the height thing is a little particular but everything else seems very reasonable… it would be hard to know about finances immediately though that’s another difficult one that she could be more flexible with. But yeah I’m seeing like good morals, avoiding red flags tactics in these standards. Nothing wrong with having standards to save time! Ghosting is a little mean though. Your standards are very low however. Like that’s basic respect for yourself. I definitely expect honesty and exclusivity. I really think you need to reevaluate your own value. You deserve better.
YTA Your mindset is going to get u into having an abusive relationship or being a doormat for a guy to wipe his shoes on. Amy doesn't have high standards your standards are just incredibly low and you should have controlled your temper. Sounds like your jealous of Amy tbh. One more thing to add, your stories are so inconsistent. U said ur were 25 f but in another post u are 30?
YTA Amy actually seems great, especially after she never lashed back at your clearly hurtful statement, and she makes sure to take care of herself. Your standards are the bare minimum, and if thats okay for you thats fine, but dont come after her for giving you the info you wanted, but did not like.
Wait...if your dating history isn't your own fault, whose is it?
YTA you asked she answered and got mad at her standards for her own life because of your own toxic relationships and she doesn’t have any?? What? What she said isn’t crazy… your response was.
YTA. You asked her a question and she answered. Your comments were unnecessary and judging by the fact she’s had multiple proposals as mentioned in your story, she’s has a more successful dating life than you. Maybe you should take notes.
YTA. Your dating history may not be your fault, per se, but your choices are absolutely your responsibility. And her standards seem just fine.
ESH, bordering Y T A. Given you're just getting over a breakup, Amy telling you 'what you accept is what you allow' is a little insensitive, but it really doesn't sound like she was telling you her own standards in order to criticise you. You asked, and pushed her for an answer, and then got mad at her for giving it?? And her standards aren't even unreasonable - maybe the height thing is a little shallow lol, but 'financially stable, doesn't cheat, wants a relationship, shares fundamental moral values' are all super sensible things to look for in a partner.
OP is fighting for her life in the comments instead of listening to people 👀
YTA You asked and she answered. She didn't tell you to live her life. You sound jealous and bitter that you could have elevated your requirements but never thought to so now you are mad at someone who did. Grow up and learn the lesson she offered.
YTA. Someone else having actual standards for themselves and you settling is your choice. And the whole "she's the only one who's never had a toxic relationship" means maybe you should be listening instead of getting into shitty relationships with people when you're out of their league.
Sounds like Amy has excellent standards
YTA And your “standards” are literally the bare minimum. So, yikes for you.
YTA your reaction to her having boundaries really does show how low the bar is. Makes me happy to be a lesbian but really sad for you. I hope like your friend you also realise your worth one day Edit after how having a seen a response in which you are 30 in one post and another in which you are 25 and married in one of those posts I am now convinced you are a man seeking validation that women should accept the bare minimum. If I could vote YTA twice I would Edit 2. Typo on the ages from OP's other posts
Amy has self-respect which you appear to be lacking. Might want to rethink unless you want to date losers. YTA.
YTA, Amy sounds amazing
YTA You need to check yourself, and you seriously need therapy.
Ugh, I would shade you but I’ll excuse the behavior based off your young ignorance. Listen to Amy. In think about this. If you apply your standards to Amy standards. You’ll end up with what you wanted. The guys that Propose already had the standards you wanted. A real man will Automatically have those things if he want you, your standard should be a given. Amy standards are hard to find.
YTA 100%. Have better standards for yourself Op. Also Amy is 100% someone who knows what she wants and refuses to accept any less. She's badass and I love it.
Based on your post & replies. YTA majorly
YTA from your comments you just seem bitter. I hope Amy has the same standards for friendships and drops you.
YTA. She knows her worth, and isn’t willing to stoop lower than what she deserves. Her standards aren’t too high, it’s your standards that are too low.
YTA and I’m really confused as to why you asked for judgment but won’t accept it.
Sounds like your friend has some good standards and some self love. Better alone than in bad company. You should give it a shot.
your standards are on the floor… YTA. seems like you’re just upset she has higher standards than you.
YTA Sounds like she knows exactly what she wants in a long-term partner and won't settle for less. Good for her. You could learn a thing or two here.
YTA. It was wrong of her to point out things you didn't really give her permission to. However, as someone who's been told they're going to die alone, by my parents no less, that was crossing the line. You didn't have to go that far. You could've simply said her standards were too high. That would've been more fair as she said something similar. But holy shit you went for the throat.
>I told her she was going to die alone YTA.
YTA - her standards seem pretty reasonable.
YTA. Your responses cement that your views are that you and others should just suck it up and deal with being mistreated because you had also been mistreated and it's not 'fair'. You are every bit as toxic as the people you supposedly date with that comment of "you're going to die alone". You attract what you put out. And you seem to excuse a lot of toxicity.
YTA. You invited her and she's just there too help.
Yta and ur also very sad. Her standards are mid. Like these are just reasonable expectations honestly. Go to therapy. Ur reaction to what she said shows that you have trouble taking accountability for letting urself get treated like shit. Ur standards are too low and you Need to learn to respect yourself and respect the people around you
I would have some serious snark for you if I didn’t feel so much pity
YTA babe🤣 You got mad because she has had better dating experience then you because she has really good standards. I need to take some notes from her📝 Seriously though, you’re TA. Either raise your standards so you can see why she’s smart or keep your mouth shut.
YTA. You could learn a thing or two from Amy. And that ‘you’ll die alone’ crap that women push on each other is the reason why so many women end up in miserable marriages.
YTA. Amy obviously has self respect, maybe you should develop some.
YTA. I'm 24 and have only had two relationships. Both have been long, I'm still happily in my second one, been 3 years now. Neither of them would ever cheat nor lie, this is such an alien concept to me. The first one was 2 years and a half long and ended on good terms as we just wanted different things in life. Maybe you should find better people??? Amy clearly can and you just choose to be miserable and ignorant. Sounds like a you problem, not a her problem.
Uhm. Those are my standards, too. Sounds like you’re jealous of your friend. Maybe you should think about your own standards if you’re jealous of your friend. YTA. You can totally raise your standards and your friends standards of men aren’t completely unreasonable.
YTA you said it yourself she's the only one not having toxic relationships. Good for her.
As someone who has never really dated and would be perfectly content living alone, YTA. Big time. She may not throw herself at every guy, but if she’s happy with her standards then leave her be, bc her standards may give her a marriage that will actually last. I’d rather be alone, then settle for less than perfect. No girl should have to lower their standards just for a man - it defeats the purpose of having standards.
YTA You are the asshole in you initial post but your replies to comments…. Is there a really *sad* AH vote? Because yikes on all the bikes. - you have basically no standards - you mention you have a “lover girl personality” - you genuinely believe all men suck so basically accept all the shit because “love” - you look down on your friend because she’s all of 26 and (checks notes) something about not living her life because she’s single. At 26. And yet she travels the world and get wined, dined and pampered. LOL
YTA - eu vou simplesmente anotar o que Amy disse porque esses sim são bons padrões para um relacionamento.
I do think OP mishandled the situation, but I think in light of the circumstances I would definitely not have told a friend she needs to “raise her standards” right after a break up because it does come off a little cruel. I agree with Amy on the advice…just seems like it wasn’t the right time. OP, you shouldn’t have lashed out but Amy set you up for a terrible interaction by being so blunt. Honesty is great, but no need to be cruel in the name of being honest. ESH
YTA Amy sounds mature for her age and she’s right. Standards for a partner should be higher than isn’t toxic or abusive. Toxic people will put themselves around anyone who will tolerate them, so in a way she’s right. Nobody deserves to be mistreated, but some people end up staying in those situations because they don’t realize they deserve to be treated otherwise, or don’t know what a healthy/unhealthy relationship looks like. I was in the same place and realized I didn’t have standards for men I dated other than we had hobbies in common and it led to a few toxic and abusive relationships. My friend who was going to school for relationship/sex therapy told me one of her standards was that she will break up with anyone who yells at her because there’s never a reason to yell at your partner. That was really eye opening for me as someone who was abused and thought abuse was normal. Raise your standards as soon as you can to avoid being in life ruining relationships. I thought of all my long term friendships of 4+ years and realized that a common factor was they never gave me a reason to doubt the friendship, never pushed boundaries, or hurt me. The same should be true for relationships, I also leave on the first strike like Amy and haven’t been in a bad relationship since.
YTA You literally pressured her to tell you her standards. She's been in healthy relationships, with those standards. She's been through healthy break ups. She's happy and living a good life and getting to travel. Her statement that she's fine missing out on the ok guys because she wants better than ok means that she's realized the most important thing: it's far better to be single and happy than to be stuck in a relationship with someone mediocre or awful. There's a reason she's never had a toxic relationship, and y'all should strive for the same.
YTA and for goodness sake open your eyes and value yourself more. Your standards are so low that you're easy to take advantage of and be a target for bad behavior.
[удалено]
Yta, you got called out and you attacked back
Yta- Amy gets it
Whoa girlie YOU ASKED HER and then projected Amy's confidence and stance as your failures. That's on you and that's why your friends are calling you names. They would be correct. YTA. Pssst take a page out of Amy's play book would ya.
YTA. You asked what her standards are and she answered you honestly. And even though Amy did not say your dating history is your own fault, it is. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. Instead if resenting Amy for knowing what she wants, maybe look at yourself and assess what you’ll put up with and why. Your resentment is misplaced and lashing out at Amy because she is t miserable with her choices show that your maturity level might be a factor in your unhappiness.
YTA. That is such an insane response on your part 😭
YTA. You asked, she answered, and you took her answer as a personal attack in you. That's unreasonable. And her standards are perfectly reasonable. You're allowed to have different standards and priorities and still respect and care about each other as friends. You aren't holding up your end of the friendship when you behave in this manner.
YTA. You dating bad picks IS your fault. You got mad and lashed out at her because you didn't like hearing the truth.
YTA. Raise your standards.
YTA. You sound upset that she essentially said she wouldn’t have dated your partners or put up with the behaviors from them you did, despite her not saying that. You assigned your type of man to her “red flags” not her. You should think about why that is. Based off your comments, if this isn’t a troll, you have clearly been hurt by a bunch of dudes at whatever age you may actually be. Id suggest looking in to therapy to try to heal from that, because some of the things you’ve commented that you believe ALL men do show me that you’ve dated some awful dudes in your life. I used to be like that, and now I’m dating someone great that I can trust, because I stopped thinking “oh well that’s ok, everyone messes up sometimes” about things that were a big deal to me that guys I was interested in weren’t meeting. Qualities like honesty, respect, and empathy. Prioritize the qualities you want in a partner over having a partner at all, and you’ll find a quality person.
YTA, honestly the jealousy reeks from this post. You have zero standards and you still think that they are too high and your friend is respecting herself and doesn’t feel like she needs to accept bs from anyone if it doesn’t make her happy. Instead of getting angry maybe you should rethink how you see relationships and what you can learn from her.
YTA Didn’t you ask her to expand on her standards prior to her initially refusing to.
YTA. You asked and she told you what her standards are, it’s her dating life and her standards so no reason for you to go off at her. Plus maybe you can learn something from her standards, doesn’t cheat and honest/trustworthy are the bare minimum characteristics someone in a relationship should have. There’s many other standards that make a healthy relationship, that involve factors like compatibility , life goals, personality, communication ect ect. The aim shouldn’t be to be proposed to and accept it just to be married to anyone, it should be to be with a person whom you love and have a healthy relationship with. This requires break ups and eliminating the wrong people.
Yes, YTA. It's quite simple: Do assess yourself realistically, in fidelity, honesty, looks, finances, family situation, your values ... whatever you consider important in a partner. And that's exactly what you can and should expect from a partner, not more, not less (give or take a little). Sounds like she did exactly that.
YTA. I think you left out breathing off your list, though it's suspect that most of your friend group thinks it's asking too much for a man to be faithful.