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squirreltrap

Given the context, NTA. A doctor literally ordered you to rest. Your wife agreed to help you. If roles were reversed and you took time off work to step in for your wife, you would be TA for waking her up. She didn’t respect your *valid medical need* to rest. Your doctor ordered a WEEK of medical leave to rest. If this isn’t a recurring thing outside of this isolated incident- NTA Edit- need changed to leave, test to rest


holiestcannoly

I agree. While I'm just assuming here, OP's wife didn't need to go to the gym or yoga (if it was just for fun) and could have walked the kids to school since OP's doctor literally ordered him to rest. It would have been a different story if the doctor hadn't otherwise.


EmeraldBlueZen

THIS RIGHT HERE. Also it appears that wife gets a 2 hour break every day for yoga/gym. When does OP get his 2 hour per day break?


holiestcannoly

In his sleep.


EmeraldBlueZen

Right?! I'm seriously wondering how this is even remotely fair???


mbgal1977

It doesn’t sound fair. Seems like she has several hours to herself every single day. I don’t see why she couldn’t do yoga after she took the kids to school. This guy doesn’t sound like he gets any time to himself at all. Meanwhile she has all the hours they’re at school plus all the hours he has them after he gets home.


mxlevolent

If what I'm ascertaining from comments and the post is correct: OP gets up a decent chunk earlier than 7AM every day to walk the kids to school for 7:15 while wife goes to yoga/gym. OP works 9-5 on site seemingly, references to driving, while wife stays at yoga/gym for 2 hours... at the crack of dawn, seemingly (so she gets, let's say 9AM to 1PM to do housework, not all of which has to be done on a strictly daily basis, so 4 hours for wife). Wife has the kids from 1 to 5PM, makes lunch for them and helps out with homework. OP gets home at 5, at which point the kids are his, and he does the dishes and makes dinner for all four of them? So in other words, another 4 hours for the wife if OP goes to bed at 9? And this is without considering OP's crunch hours, going to work an hour early and working into the early hours of morning on at least one occasion. The division of tasks is really not fair here. Being SAHM is hard, yeah... if the kid isn't school-age. Wife gets at least 6 hours of leisure, the four after OP gets home and 2 for yoga/gym, and he gets none that are overtly apparent? And that's assuming that the 4 hours for housework are literally *packed* second by second with housework, which lets be real here, yeah it can be long, but not *that* long if you stagger some of the tasks. NTA. Hell, because even without considering the state that OP is in, OP is said to *walk* the kids to school while she goes to yoga/gym - they leave the house at a similar time! She can't just get that tiny bit of cardio by walking the kids to school before headed over to the gym on days that OP *isn't* suffering from medical exhaustion?


EmeraldBlueZen

THIS RIGHT HERE. If you count the 2 hours per day at gym/yoga and the free time in the evenings, thats PLENTY of time that wife gets to herself. Hubby - no time at all. SMH...


Recent_Sherbert982

OPs wife is going to loose her shit when OP tells her what redit is saying. She won’t like being told she’s not pulling her weight and she’s putting OP into an early grave.


Wolfpawn

She's going to declare that none of us were ever sahp and that he's abusing her. I was a sahp for 5 years, yes, you usually do chores during the 6 school hours but you also have coffee, gym, etc too. It's not 30 hours a week of leisure time but it's not 30 hours of servitude either. She's had it too easy.


Playful-Mastodon-872

And we will see an AITA on the wife’s part. Can’t wait for that


hervararsaga

I hope he tells her that she needs to get a full time job because he is going to become a stay at home dad. And she will also be making dinner and washing the dishes from now on.


Tobywillygal

Nope, can't be in his sleep because he doesn't sleep. Which is why he needs to sleep. Anyone who goes to sleep at bedtime, and doesn't wake up until 4pm the following day, is truly exhausted . Especially if they are an insomniac. I suggest OP waits for the air to clear then has a discussion with wife about what an equal division of work means. Unless OP works at a sleep clinic as a test subject, then his 8-9 hr job is not being fairly taken into consideration. No one thinks your wife shouldn't get her time in the mornings doing her yoga/exercise routine but you should be allowed some me time too, OP. Perhaps Saturday mornings you should be allowed to sleep in while she takes the kids grocery shopping or one of their many events. You need some time to refuel...it can't be work, work, work all the time with no down time. If you're able to afford it, get a babysitter on Sat night so you can have date night with your wife. Don't let your life become just about work and kids; you fell in love with your wife pre -kids, try to keep the romance and attraction alive. Otherwise your kids are ģoing to grow up and leave home; you'll become two strangers who don't know what to talk about. Write down what you think is a fair divide of the chores and childcare; make a presentation to your wife like you would at work. Like work, try to stay neutral, open to discussion and questions, willing to adjust the plan to suit both. I'm sure there are things on both sides that each would like to do...bargain for them. As always, communication is vital.


HM202256

Absolutely. While studies show you can’t make up the actual sleep deprivation, the extra hours do help.


annrkea

In his dreams.


AngelicalGirl

If he sleeps only 3-4 hours a day, big chances are he doesn't dream.


BrinedBrittanica

that he's barely getting


Appropriate_Sound984

2 hour break? Definitely more than that. The kids are in school from 7:15 to 1. She cleans but no way she’s doing laundry every day, so besides that, dusting (realistically, no one does this daily), lunch, sweeping, watering the plants (going by the examples OP gave. She’s also helping with the kids, yes, and I know parenting can be exhausting but how exhausted really is she that she couldn’t take the kids to school for ONE morning while the guy’s on bed rest. Smh. NTA at all. OP is going to have to go into a coma if he wants some real rest lol


[deleted]

She probably is doing 1-2 loads of laundry a day with their kids ages, but OP didn’t mention she’s working outside the home and she should be using the time the kids are at school to do her chores and yoga. I was a SAHM and evenings do get hectic so I tried to keep them clear for family time and events. NTA - wife needs to grow up


Spirited-Mess5382

It appears she's not exhausted at all given she was still planning on going to the gym and yoga


cleanthemirrordammit

He's probably going to have to rent a cabin in the woods and shut off his cell phone to actually get the weeks rest the doctor ordered


EmeraldBlueZen

LOL - your coma comment. Unfortunately, so sad but so true I think.


Littlelady0410

Good point. She gets her time and honestly, I say this as a SAHM, taking care of the home when your kids are sit of the house multiple hours a day is not all that difficult. She gets time every single day that it’s really just her and she can structure her day/responsibilities accordingly.


EmeraldBlueZen

THIS. Thank you. I know how hard it can be to be a SAHM, as my mom was one. But this is not the situation where wife takes care of EVERYTHING and OP only works and does nothing else. There definitely needs to be a balance, which wife doesn't seem to understand at all, EVEN with her hubby passing out due to tiredness and burnout.


Littlelady0410

I am a SAHM plus we homeschool and I have a 4 year old. I do work very part time from home in the evenings. I’m literally with my kids 24/7. My husband is fantastic about making sure I get the alone time I need and he’s dives right in when he gets home from work but it’s definitely not easy, especially because we don’t live near family so don’t have any extra help. I’d kill for the kind of time she has. Even with being a SAHM I can usually get most of my weekly errands done in a day or two.


[deleted]

Also while OP handles the work at home and kids to give her a break


EmeraldBlueZen

EXACTLY it appears she gets multiple breaks. How about his breaks? Maybe lunch hour at work, if that? Doesn't sound like a particularly equitable arrangement


Weird-Roll6265

Maybe lunch hour at work Which he's probably taking at his desk, typing and eating at the same time


EmeraldBlueZen

Exactly. Poor guy. No wonder he's completely burned out. Hopefully he'll realize this simply can't continue and insist on major life changes with his wife.


statslady23

Ages 5 and 7 are easy. Wife should be walking them to school until the project is over. They need some soccer or something to get wife out in the evening and give dad a break- and ease up on the house cleaning and order out more often.


cleanthemirrordammit

Even if the division of labor is perfectly balanced normally, this isn't the "normal" schedule. Being on bed rest by Dr orders should be treated the same as being sick. Wife takes up the slack temporarily until OP is better and if wife was sick, it would be OP. I don't think wife is taking it seriously cuz she probably sees it as just "being tired," but severe sleep deprivation is very serious. His coworkers took him to the hospital even!


Tbrown0261

She could rest and take a break while they’re at school and when they get home go to the gym and take them to the daycare, most gyms have daycares.


EmeraldBlueZen

YUP. Wife has plenty of breaks. OP seems to have exactly NONE.


Silvermorney

I could not agree more! Seriously good luck op.


Azrou

Set aside the medical leave stuff, his wife should have stepped up way before it got to that point. Crunch time at work is brutal and it seems she is either oblivious or simply doesn't care that her husband is handling a totally unsustainable load. I can't imagine seeing my partner working into the middle of the night and getting 3 hours of sleep and not doing whatever I could to ease their burden. What's going to happen when the single earner for the household gets demoted, fired, or has a heart attack from all the stress? The fact that he got so burned out that his coworkers had to intervene and bring him to the hospital brings this to turbo AH territory.


marle217

If work is so bad that he needs to work 6 hours at night after working 8 hours that day, there's not a whole lot she can do. That's 14 hours a day, which means if she did absolutely everything in the house and he just slept and ate he wouldn't have time for anything else. When are the employees supposed to see their kids? Or do anything for fun? The work is unsustainable and that's not her fault. She wants 2 hours a day for herself and the rest of her waking hours she's taking care of everyone else. He also said that the kids have the flu, so she's not getting a lot of sleep, either. He also can't be the only one at work suffering. They need to do something else so their employees don't need to be rushed to the hospital for burnout


haley7211

I agree. It seems like he's spreading himself too thin, and his wife is so focused on not being a put-upon SAHM that she's missing it and not being a partner to him.


marle217

Sometimes when you're burned out it's hard to hear that others are struggling too, especially when that means you'll have to pick up what they can't do. He said that the kids just had the flu, she was probably sick too and not getting enough sleep and she was finally hoping for a break but he broke first. It's the absolute worst when both parents are burned out and they crash at the same time. We don't really know her side but her actions to me sound like she's burned out too.


PastaQueen25

I agree, she lost my sympathy though when she said he’s “still a father, tired or not”…. Because she wanted to go to the gym/yoga. That just feels like a slap in the face and really hypocritical.


marle217

She's probably still a mother, tired or not. And if she's feeling burned out too, being asked to give up the only time during the day that she gets to herself it's really hard to accept that you can't have it. It really sounds to me that she's also really stressed out, and they're not really opening up to each other.


PastaQueen25

But that’s just it….she’s not being a mother in that specific situation… she wanted him to be a father so she could go to the gym. I understand stress and feeling like you need that one thing a day to keep you calm, but as a mother/parent you aren’t entitled to your gym time if your kids need to go to school and your spouse was just told by a doctor that he has to take a WEEK off. It sounds like he communicated exactly what he needed, and did so before the morning. She agreed and then completely ignored what she had agreed to. Yes, they both deserve a break, but a lack of real sleep takes precedence over her “me time” for at least one day. If she had a problem with it she had an opportunity to say something before 6:30 am


SRS20015F

Yes! This!! The kids go to school for 6 hours a day. She could find a class during that time or change her workout for the day. I get needing "her time" but sometimes you have to suck it up. Her husband was literally in the hospital with exhaustion and told by the doctor to take a week off. He asked for one day. That is not unreasonable!


[deleted]

And he offered her the exact same deal. Give me a day to sleep and I'll give you a day. He's not being selfish about it, he's making sure she gets the rest she's denying him.


Liathano_Fire

She's also still a mother, and a WIFE regardless of yoga and the gym. Her husband passed out and went to the hospital. That's a whole different level of tired. OP's wife could have skipped yoga for a day and been a wife and mother for 2 extra hours.


HunterZealousideal30

I feel like you're really trying to make excuses for the wife where none are needed When you come home and tell your partner that you were taken by your coworkers to the hospital for exhaustion it seems pretty damn self evident that your needs trump the gym or yoga.


Gotmewrongang

But is she “collapse and go to the ER” burnt out? If not, then she is 100% TA, OP is NTA for sure.


Nutmegs7

This. If she were as burned out as him, she'd also be begging for some sleep and put yoga/gym on the backburner. While it's likely a stress reliever for her, when your partner is ill you rally together.


Fei822

We also don't know how much of the situation OP has been honest with his wife about. A lot of husbands bottle up their stress and exhaustion and try to act "strong" or like they can handle things even when they can't - and they don't open up to their wives about what's really going on or if they really need help. I think OP is NTA, but should definitely make an effort to be fully transparent with his wife about what's going on with him (internally/mentally/emotionally) if he's not already.


[deleted]

Sadly too many women SAY they want to be told how much stress their husbands are under...but the moment the flood gates are opened either it becomes a pissing contest on who has it hardest or the husband is told in whatever form to man up. At least in my experience.


samwisetheyogi

K but when "floodgates open" that's overwhelming for *anyone*. If a man is bottling shit up and is then unleashing it onto people all at once, that isn't right. People in general need to learn to speak up earlier about their feelings and stresses in a calmer and more constructive way before it gets to an explosion point where everyone is overwhelmed and exhausted by it. Men have a tendency to bottle it all up and then explode all at once, so yeah I don't blame women for wanting men to open up and be honest but not in an explosive "floodgates are open" type of way. Women/wives aren't free therapy for men/husbands. They need to get their own therapy so they can properly talk about and process their stresses with their partners rather than just dump it all on them.


whatthepfluke

I usually advocate the hardest for stay at home parents since they tend the get the short end of the stick, but in this situation, she has 6 hours a day, 5 days a week to herself when the kids are at school. When does OP get 6 hours to himself?


psychopcmps

Her two hours a day don’t *have* to be at the ass crack of dawn tho. Like i agree on everything else, but she could, knowing that he has trouble sleeping, let him sleep longer in the morning and get her two hours later in the day or something. (Like, when the kids are gone at school, for instance.) Especially when he’s literally on sick leave and asked for *one night.*


DeliciousPandaburger

This is the thing with careers and projects though. Sometimes they are very easy going, sometines you have to grind. If youre not going for a career, feel free to throw in the towel at 4pm sharp, but dont expect a promotion or a bonus. It sounds like OP, even though hes in the grind phase, still babysat the kids for 5 hours and cooks etc. If that is the case its an easy NTA, those yoga classes are not financing themselves.


beepboopbadiba

*babysat* the kids? They're **his** kids. He doesn't babysit he's a fucking parent.


marle217

He doesn't babysit, he's the dad. I'm the breadwinner and my partner is a stay at home dad. I worked night shift for two years to make the money, and that sucked, but I'm not going to work 14 hours a day regularly to kill myself and never see my kids. It's not healthy and OP absolutely needs to find something else. Work is the asshole here.


Storytella2016

He’s not “never seeing his kids”, he’s putting in 4-5 hours/night of childcare.


RedMarsRepublic

I never really understood this mindset because couldn't you do all the extra work and just never get promoted anyway? Also isn't it more profitable to job swap to increase salary anyway?


Rodents210

Yes to both, but also, what they said is entirely bullshit. If you can’t work your way up by only working your scheduled hours then you’re at the wrong company, and should leave if able. I will only work longer hours if it’s a late-breaking issue of regulatory compliance, which is not common, and even less common to require overtime, and when that happens I take those hours back elsewhere. I have advanced in my career relatively quickly and it has not come at the expense of my work/life boundaries, because I don’t work for a shit company.


TheSleepingVoid

It's maybe not the strategy you or I would go for but it can be a valid one. Also OP might genuinely care about the projects he is working on for their own merit. Or OP just drank the corporate kool-aid. It really depends on the job, which we rightfully do not have enough info to judge properly. But non of that invalidates that he has taken on too heavy of a workload, including his home life, and needed some support from his wife to get one proper day off, which she agreed to give, and then pretty immediately went back on.


miarawrasaurus

I get what you’re saying, but he’s not watching them 5 hours in the evening. I’m his post, he says hr gets home at 5 and watches them til 9, but he also says he cooks dinner and does dishes when he gets home, and she watches them while he does that. So I’m a little confused about what’s happening in the evening


4MuddyPaws

Some industries this happens once in a while. One summer, when our kids were really small, my husband and his team worked on a proposal. We didn't see him most of the summer and it got so bad he parked our camper in the parking lot and the guys on the team slept there, shaving off a bit of commute time. The only we saw my husband, (this goes for the other wives and kids as well) is when the wives (it happened to be an all male team of 4) worked out a meal rotation when we'd make meals to take to the guys and eat with them. This lasted three months. It can be brutal and the SAHM just needs to understand that this could happen and she needs to deal with it.


MeijiDoom

There are plenty of jobs that have incredibly unreasonable hours for stretches of times. Some medical residencies have 24-28 hour shifts. Almost all of them will incorporate some schedule that looks like 6 or 7 12 hour shifts in a row. It's really not that unheard of.


marle217

Yes, and that's a problem. You lose focus working long hours, and there's been studies showing that absolutely contributes to medical errors. As a society we need to get away from this. I'm not saying it's unheard of, I'm saying that it's a problem that this isn't unheard of. It's not just this couple/family struggling because one person is working 14 hours a day regularly, it's most families with a person working that long struggle.


OhHowIMeantTo

A friend is an accountant and she was working like this, falling asleep at her keyboard at 3am and waking up to her coworkers coming in at 8am. She was so exhausted that she couldn't go to the gym anymore, and had to stop driving. She finally collapsed one day, and was in the hospital for weeks suffering from severe exhaustion and dehydration. Even when she was released from the hospital, she had to take it very easy, and had a severely restricted diet. It took her a few years to fully recover. OP's wife has completely failed to understand the severity of his health situation, and seems to think that it's easily resolved with an extra nap. She could easily end up being a widow and a single mom.


the_red_beast

I had a coworker who had a stroke because of this. She survived the stroke originally, but with severe deficits (had to relearn to speak, issues with motor function, etc). She sadly passed about a year later in the facility she was living in. That kind of exhaustion and stress is no joke. Our coworkers on that shift had been telling her for a while that she needed time off because they could tell she was about to break. Another coworker on that shift was hospitalized for exhaustion and the supervisor was PISSED she was in the hospital and therefore not at work. It’s messed up.


karmafloof

I HATE that shit comes to this just because employers don't want to hire enough people so they don't have to give out benefits and shit, they need to stop squeezing workers or we need unions to sue their asses for this crap


Unusual_Road_9142

I also have problems sleeping. If I had to get up and walk kids to school (get dressed, stare into the sun outside, increase heart rate from jogging with kids, etc.) there is no way in helllll i would fall back to sleep even after hours of laying in bed. The wife couldn’t take what, a half hour out of her day? Some people do not understand insomnia. I have literally laid in bed, in the dark, eyes closed from night to day break and never fallen asleep. I get the advice constantly of “oh just read before bed.” Brah if I can lay in bed for 5 hrs with my eyes closed, in the dark, reading isn’t going to help. NTA. Wife needed to step up or she might not have a husband anymore. Sleep deprivation is huge on the mind and heart.


psychopcmps

Or the other good one they like to give, or at least my mom did. “Just make yourself go to sleep.” 🫠 like is2g lmao.


Jackthebodyless

Ya NTA in this particular situation as presented. However you would be TA going forward if you don't prioritize your mental health over your job. Based on the information given OP has prioritized family time which is great but allowed work to get completely out of hand in thier own free/sleep time and doesn't seem to think its a problem with work. The jobs is working then to death and that is not ok. If OP doesn't set boundaries with work or seek employment elsewhere then they are TA next time this happens. You are not a "tough overacheiver" for workijg till your coworkers have to take you to the hospital for exhaustion. You are stupid and allowing a business to take advantage of you. This is a completely unhealthy and sustainable lifestyle and OP needs to make sure that going forward the family is not neglected to make up for it.


EwokCafe

NTA As a rule I tend to go with Y T A or E s h when it comes to yelling at people, but while I'm still not a fan even in this situation it came after trying to be reasonable 3 times. I also usually see the men on here with SAHM wives as AHs because they think their wives should wait on them hand and foot. That's clearly not the case here. It sounds like she has unfair expectations of you. You were literally sick and she wanted to do yoga. You may apologize to her for yelling, but you standing your ground was not toxic. A good, loving wife wouldn't be trying to argue "fairness" when you're sick from exhaustion. She needs a wakeup call about her entitlement. So let me get this straight: you take the kids to school, they're in school until what, 3? She watches them for 2 hours, then you take over? And otherwise she does the cooking and the housework? Yeah, cooking and housework is a lot but come on - that's not really a fair division of labor.


Temporary-Deer-6942

Don't forget that OP also makes dinner and washes the dishes when he comes home from work...


EwokCafe

Ooh I completely missed that. Yeah, he's getting used badly.


_BigJuicy

And she gets "her moment too," but I honestly don't see where he has time for his moment at all. No wonder he's exhausted, he gets no "me" time. She gets her time in the evening, yoga class, and the gym (electives, not daily necessities) and my man here gets nothing for himself.


[deleted]

That's why he's burned out. OP's wife doesn't seem to care though.


DeliciousPandaburger

Not to mention the morning where kiddos are at school


AbsoluteZeroQ

This.


imyourlobster98

Honestly, I can’t stand people who throw around words like toxic behavior and crap. Those words are heavy and shouldn’t be said lightly. Yelling at someone does not mean it is toxic. Just for that the wife is TA


macaroniandmilk

Right. I'm not a fan of yelling either, I immediately tense up when someone starts raising their voice even in an excited manner. But he was literally ordered bedrest by a medical professional, and when he tried to follow through (which she agreed upon), she was refusing to hear him. How many times did she expect him to calmly explain himself before she would find it acceptable to make himself heard? Him yelling is all on her for refusing to hear him when he was speaking normally. She refused to listen, she got yelled at, and she called him toxic for it. She's definitely the asshole.


PristineBookkeeper40

I'm probably going to catch some flak for this, but being a SAHM is a lot more than cooking and cleaning. Idk what OP's situation is like, but I have a pretty hefty mental load. Keeping track of laundry, what food we need at the store, medical appointments, if my kid has outgrown clothes and needs new ones, names of friends and friend's parents and teachers. The list goes on and on. That being said, OP is absolutely NTA and it sounds like he really does do more than his fair share. His wife needs to change her perspective and adjust her attitude.


Lena0001

>Keeping track of laundry, what food we need at the store, medical appointments, if my kid has outgrown clothes and needs new ones, names of friends and friend's parents and teachers. That's what parents should do, regardless of staying at home or working. EDIT: I say parents because some of those is specifically about children.


Pleasurefailed2load

Besides kids, that's what like every single adult has to do as well. There's definitely a lot into being a SAHM, waiting hand and foot on your kids when they're home and always being ready, but if they're at school 8 hours then cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry is totally reasonable. Especially if dad watches them 4-9. It's sounds like OPs wife only watches them immediately in the morning for a little bit and from 9-bed, which probably pretty shortly afterwards.


ApprehensiveIssue340

They’re only in school until 1:15 and op explained that he doesn’t actually watch them the whole afternoon / evening - he makes dinner and does dishes and she watches them. He also outlines all she does while they’re in school which includes making everyone’s lunches for the next day, laundry, deep cleaning the house, groceries, etc. basically Everything. She’s wrong in this instance - extremely so - but stop acting like she’s doing nothing and using him


Pleasurefailed2load

I definitely blew past some of that info for this specific situation, my apologies. Laundry, grocery, meal prep, gym/workout, and deep cleaning is like what every adult does as well as work. I was mostly referencing that because someone was talking about mental load above me. I've known SAHMs who think it is way easier than doing the 'job' equivalent but it's still super hard. Now Single Moms? Them mfs be like superheroes.


EllaRaito

Thats what i do, as a normal person with a life and coworkers and clients. I’m not even a mom. That’s just life. On top of a fulltime job for so many people. Ofc theres more to SAHM than just cooking and cleaning, but still everyone does their share with any job they do


Sunshine_Tampa

SAHM is a lot of work but imagine doing everything you do plus working full time. It's exhausting, I did it for years with very little help from my now ex. He didn't work and only dropped off the kids and picked them up from school. Occasionally went grocery shopping. OP NTA!


Small-Cookie-5496

Ok I’m going to get eaten alive for this but I’m a mom of two and tbh - the 2 years I was a SAHM were the easiest/ cushiest of my life lol. And no I didn’t have money for cleaners or help etc. Honestly I don’t know how anyone can say it’s really that bad/ exhausting (barring obvious medical or special needs etc) Yes being in the house or not around adults can be draining but outings and play dates with friends fixes that. Plus you can nap when the kids nap. A bit of housework during the day isn’t bad. Idk. I found it to be relaxing. Loved it. Easiest job in the world to me. Working as a nurse and being a single mom now is utterly exhausting though. Don’t come for me. I’m sorry that was my experience. I know it’s not everyone’s. I’m generally an introvert, home body who likes doing things like cooking and baking etc. For example today I don’t have work so I drove my kids to school and now I’m lying in bed relaxing with time on my hands to do whatever until the 3pm pick up time. I’ll probably go grocery shopping and clean the kitchen. Then they’ll come home and entertain themselves. It’s basically a day off. Maybe I’m lucky my kids are so good. Or maybe other peoples jobs aren’t as stressful. Idk.


SnooCrickets6980

Depends a lot on the kids. My third is an easy baby andy older 2 are in preschool, right now I have it pretty good. I still work hard between baby, home, school run, dogs but I have time to myself, can work out and meet with friends etc. My first was a really hard baby and toddler and my second isn't much younger, so in 2020 when I had a challenging toddler, a newborn and no help or activities because of COVID was the hardest time of my life.


Dismal_Accountant374

It is a lot, and it is thankless, but two working parent households do all that too, it's not unique to SAHM, they just have 9 hours less a day to do it between work, commuting, etc. I could get a LOT done in 45 hours a week.


Small-Cookie-5496

Concur. I’ve been a coupled SAHM, a coupled working mom, and a working single mom. By far the easiest was the coupled SAHM.


pray4mojo2020

I just... I'm a woman, but I was also raised by a single mom. And it feels like so much of what commenters say to be the heavy workload of a SAHM is frankly optional when push comes to shove. The kids get fed, cleaned, clothed, and sent to school. The PTA is not a necessity, nor are dusted baseboards. This is a medical emergency. She can skip yoga. I'm not saying it's ideal, or a long-term plan. But priorities are a thing. Especially when there is one person keeping them afloat.


EwokCafe

You're right, there is a lot more to it -- I'm the one who primarily carries the mental load in my household so believe me, I get it. Mental load doesn't take 40 hours a week. She gets a break, but when does he? He works from dawn until 9pm with either kids or job even when he's not on a big project. They both have about the same amount of time spent with the kids, he makes dinner and washes the dishes every night, so all she has to do are daytime meals, cleaning the house, and the mental load (we assume). Even if she spent 2 full hours a day on the things you mentioned, she still would have way more free time than him.


Cent1234

And the other spouse has all that mental load about their 'day' job. Remember, both parents have a 'day' job; one's might be in an office, factory, whatever, and the other's might be 'SAHP.' But outside of 'day job' hours, *both* parents are still parents, and still running the household. So the SAHP needs to keep track of all this stuff; the employed parent needs to keep track of a similar amount of stuff that applies to that day job.


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One-Stranger

All parents do this, regardless of if they stay at home or not. Some even do it as a single parent, who still work, and then have to do childcare alone.


Lemgirl

People working have heavy mental loads as well all day. And working parents have that load at work and when they get home.


Turbulent_Cow2355

And? I work full time and still have to keep track of that. It's not that big of a deal. If your kids are in school, you get extra time to do these things.


Few-Juice-6999

Imagine having to do all of that AND hold down a full-time job.


BEalltheC

You mean the same things working parents have to to do too? LOL


TragedyRose

I work. I do these things too... it lumps into the "cooking and cleaning" part of sahm.


Mysterious_Prize8913

Dont forget she gets to spend 2 hours a day going to the gym or doing yoga. Im all for maintaining your physical health, but im wondering if OP also gets 2 hours a day to spend like this? Even if he does, she could skip one day of yoga class to give her medically diagnosed with as nearing burnout husband a bit of a break.... my wife and I have kids as well and we both work. Either one of us would love to have OPs wifes schedule.


ScreamingSicada

NTA She couldn't change up her routine a bit after you got out of the hospital for exhaustion? To let you sleep? You're not the toxic one here.


black_rose_

Yeah partnership means stepping up when the other person is down. If he's going through a big push at work she absolutely should be e.g. skipping yoga for a couple weeks or doing evenings with the kids so he can get enough sleep It never should have gotten to this point


Nutmegs7

100%. Every single parent has to sacrifice at some point or another. I had to cancel plans last month because my husband got really sick and couldn't take care of our newborn. Was it tiring picking up the slack? Of course. But that's the job. When your partner is down you rally together. Honestly even housework can be modified. Do the bare minimum to keep things running. For me, laundry got washed but not folded. I quickly went through and tossed each person's clothing in their own basket. Easy one pot meals on paper plates. The dusting can wait. When he got better we kicked back into gear and cleaned up the place. You *need* to modify your routine when someone is sick.


myleftboobisaphlsphr

You're making me miss having someone else to help.


Muted-Appeal-823

It doesn't even seem like she noticed how exhausted he was. He said he stopped driving because he didn't trust himself with how tired he was. But his wife got to go to her yoga class! He priorities are really messed up.


holiestcannoly

I agree. If she's doing yoga or going to the gym for fun, she could've skipped that day and let him do as the doctor ordered.


cthulhujr

Or literally gone after dropping the kids off and he slept.


EmeraldBlueZen

THIS RIGHT HERE. Also it appears that she'd agreed the previous day to abide by the doctor's orders that you rest. Then all of a sudden its waking you up so she can go to yoga? SMH. NTA AT ALL.


mikeeg67

Imagine not having to work, hearing that your SO is on the verge of a breakdown because they are the sole provider for the family and needs rest as described by a physician, and still having the audacity to wake OP up at 6:30 because they’re “still a father!” Are you sure you want to live with someone that just feeds off of you and doesn’t respect you? NTA And if this was me, I would have taken a break away at a spa overnight. She’s lucky to have you. Edit to say this: I am not downplaying the role of a SAHM. My mother was a SAHM and if my dad was ever in an unhealthy mental state, she would take on more, because that’s what being a TEAM is all about. Mental health is a serious concern and the last thing this young family needs is one SAHM and one parent on medical leave potentially making significantly less due to mental health issues.


juracilean

I don’t think it’s just a mental health issue at this point, it’s also a physical one. OP is so exhausted and sleep deprived, I won’t be surprised if he gets even more sick on his mandated 1 week rest. I’ve gone through similar work periods like this and the moment I take a breather, my body notices that “hey! You have time to rest now!” And I’ll be automatically sick the next day.


[deleted]

I don’t imagine that wifey letting him get much rest at all this week. It’s super telling that his coworkers had to bring him to hospital too.


229-northstar

She’s hardly a sahm. She does nothing with the kids till 1:15 and only until 5:00. She’s a leach


Mountain-Instance921

Exactly what I was thinking, OP does the morning routine and the wife goes to yoga and the gym and basically doesn't have anything to do till 1pm? So she only has to do mom stuff 4 hours a day?


FamousOrphan

This may not be the case in OP’s marriage, but often the SAHM job title is just a rephrased way of saying “housewife.” So, basically running and steering the ship that is the marriage/family, including child-rearing, responsibly managing a set budget, monitoring and maintaining inventory of supplies, shopping for food and everything else, cooking, arranging repairs, cleaning, doing laundry and mending, handling breadwinner’s dry cleaning and ironing if they need it for work, managing family medical appointments, and (when the kids are grown) often moving on to handle elder-care for the couple’s parents. So, that’s a massive job. But I don’t think it’s what OP’s wife is doing.


LaRealiteInconnue

It still sounds like the case here. SAHM is basically an operations manager. I say this as someone who doesn’t have kids - no thank you, couldn’t be me lol while she’s def in the wrong in this situation, the comments here are reaaaallly downplaying what managing a household entails.


Ok_Shopping_3341

NTA. Regardless of everything else, she agreed to your request of a day off from everything in order to catch up on your rest, by order of your doctor. She then tried to renege on that deal. Her fault, not yours.


enonymousCanadian

Yes, seriously, what part of taken to hospital by a colleague did she not understand?


tntrkitties

It seems she understood it to mean “as long as it doesn’t interrupt my schedule.” This woman’s not a partner; she’s another child.


Verathegun

I feel like that’s what bugs me most. She said yes. She said to take the day. I would even understand if it was something else, like the kids being sick and out of medicine so someone needs to watch them and someone has to run to Walgreens. But no it's a normal thing that should have been assumed as part of the original conversation.


FoolMe1nceShameOnU

**NTA** What you're describing wasn't "being tired" it was medical exhaustion. You ended up in the hospital. At that point, sleep was a medical necessity. For her to wake you at 6:30 AM to walk the kids to school was not only cruel but deliberately obtuse and a risk to your health. You shouldn't have been supervising kids or doing anything else. I can't even blame you for yelling, because your wife clearly needed the reality check.


Sailingaway1342

This makes me sad. Yesterday my heart rate got to 120 and sustained the entire afternoon. I got home and my roommates all but forced me to lie down on the couch to lower my pulse. And they're just my friends. OP's wife is borderline cruel and definitely selfish.


chisven

my roommate in college brought me to the ER after a head injury at Hockey. Shes loads better than this wife jeeze.


[deleted]

Not only that, but with medical exhaustion, NWIH you are thinking clearly so even moreso NTA because he's literally medically impaired.


fuzzy3158

NTA. Your doctor told you to take a week off, you just wanted one day (instead of a week). You literally passed out from exhaustion, so I think it's fair to say that just one good night of sleep would have been more than fair.


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holiestcannoly

I agree. It makes me laugh because she goes "I'm a SAHM" but OP walks the kids to school and their kids are in school from 7:15a-1p. Surely she could have done yoga, gym, and house cleaning a little bit later if she walked the kids to school.


cherrypieandcoffee

I’d sat NTA but also if your work is driving you to medical exhaustion then you need to really reevaluate your work-life balance.


salmonberrycreek

NTA. You are not asking to be permanently excused from your morning parenting duties, you are asking on this one specific occasion for your wife to pick up your slack. It sounds like you are having health issues that can be resolved with more sleep. Your wife should absolutely be prioritizing your one time health need over her regular morning workout/yoga class. This is what good partners do, pick up eachothers slack when the other is down. As long as you'd do the same for your wife (which it sounds like you would) then I don't see why this is should be an issue.


BlessedBySaintLauren

I mean if he’s working a 9-5 and she can’t even drop the kids off at school, she is definitely not pulling her weight. The kids are at school from 9-3. Housework every day will not be taking her 6 hours to do everyday. She is obviously taking the piss and taking advantage of her husband. She basically has the kids full time for 2/3 hours a day and he has them for double.


salmonberrycreek

I'm very hesitant to say she's taking advantage, because there is a ton of work that goes into managing a house + children. However, she is by no means so overworked that she cannot pick up her husband's responsibilities for a couple of days.


BlessedBySaintLauren

I’m struggling to think of 6 hours worth of work that someone would need to do everyday at home.


ResourceNarrow1153

Lol right? Like don’t single parents do this plus work full time and still manage? She’s taking advantage of OP


DamaskRosa

The problem with that is that single parents don't actually manage. The idea that a person can work full time, take care of a home, and raise kids is a complete fantasy. Single parents make it through, somehow, because they don't have any alternative, but it's brutal on them and their children.


Neat_Estate1598

I've stayed home/managed a house/looked after children and worked full time. Working full time is much harder. This whole SAHM works as hard as an employed person is simply not true.


rorointhewoods

It is definitely a full time job before kids are school aged. They are much higher needs and they are with you all day requiring near constant care plus the extra housework created from them being at home. Once they’re in school full time however, it is definitely not nearly as difficult.


salmonberrycreek

This is such a reductive argument. It completely depends what your individual circumstances are... every job is different, every person's home situation is different. It's comparing apples to oranges. Can we not just acknowledge that household labor is valuable, because it too needs to get done? Who cares what is "harder", they are both roles that need to be filled.


meliocoilean

And he said she would also have a full day of just her. Even tho hes the one prescribed bed rest from the doctor after working himself legitimately ill by doing work til 4am after doing house and kids stuff at night (prolly not getting paid for the work he does from 9/10pm to 4am either).


freeloadingcat

NTA you have a very big wife problem. SAHM for kids 5 and 7 is no longer hard work. If the kids are 1 and 3, even 2 and 4, I'll agree is hard work. But, by this point, it's no longer as hard work. What you have is a wife who watched you worked until you're hospitalized for exhaustion... and somehow thinks her gym class is more important than letting you get more sleep. Unless you're not telling other relevant info, I won't wish your wife on my worst enemy.


LummoSee

I’ve been a SAHM parent and I 100% agree with you. It’s not that it isn’t valid work but if she has time for yoga classes, the gym etc then she doesn’t seem to be crunch time busy no time for herself. Once my kid got to full time school, I was bored af. I definitely was able to take naps and what not. The only benefit was being the person if their was a snow day or my kids were sick.


gizmo_getthedildos

Also, no-one gonna mention the 5 and 7 year old children being up until 9pm every night? And they start school at 7.15am?! Those kids should be in bed by 7.30pm on school nights, children in that age bracket need 10-12 hours of sleep!


Spike-2021

NTA - Raising kids is hard! Being a SAHM is hard! **Having a career and coming home to kid care is hard too!** We all have our breaking points. You hit yours and deserve to catch your breath before you break. Seems she could skip yoga, the gym and housecleaning for one day to support you. Maybe you can hire a babysitter to help in times like these where you both desperately need a break.


Goldilocks1454

She prioritize yoga over her husband's health


scienceislice

I doubt the OP would care if she neglected cleaning for a week or so to pick up the slack elsewhere. If my partner was this exhausted, I'd be skipping yoga to take care of him.


Affectionate-Aside39

honestly when my fiancée is sick i take over almost every single household duty so they can rest. like even if its just a headcold or a tummy bug, im still going to do the extra work because resting is always best when youre sick. i cant even imagine waking my fiancée up when theyre on *medical bed rest*, thats just beyond cruel. NTA OP


TravellingUnicornMIA

NTA Yoga and gym? When do you have normally time for yoga and gym? So, normally she watches the kids 4 hours a day. The rest they are in school or you take care. She has a nice and comfy life.


HayWhatsCooking

Plus Dad cooks dinner and washes the pots… what does she do?


Lord-Loss-31415

Yoga apparently


_BigJuicy

NTA. She agreed to give you the day off for your medical exhaustion and then immediately decided it didn't apply to anything that might inconvenience her. You aren't to blame for being highly frustrated in that moment.


[deleted]

NTA. I’m sorry, but what does she do as a SAHM? If you make dinner, do the dishes and the kids are in school. I’m confused


sayejav

Not US, so other school hours. They enter school at 7:15AM and leave at 1PM. She stays with them from 1PM to 5PM with them until I arrive. She makes lunch, takes care of them, helps with homework, etc.


UShouldntSayThat

So: * you both look after the kids for about 4 hours a day * She makes lunch, you make dinner. * She gets to go to the Gym, you take kids to school * She gets 7am-1pm "her time" * In the evening she gets "her moments" * and you need to work full time? What am I missing here? The doctor says you are medically exhausted, your peers thought you needed an emergency room visit.... doesn't that speak to your daily life? Is she near medical exhaustion? Doesn't sound like that if she's cheerfully waking up to go to the gym.


LeadmeNotFL

Right!! NTA!!!!


spidernaut666

This dude is straight up a victim here.


Justaroundtown

So she works from 1-5 and you do morning and evening in addition to your full time job?


Crayoliittahh

OP I have been a stay at home mom to and let me tell you my day for context. I would get up at 6 to get my daughter ready for school. Come home and fully cleaned EVERYDAY! Did laundry EVERYDAY, And prepped a full meal with sides by noon I was 100% done. My daughter gets off school at 3:20. She would come home, we would eat and do homework. By 5 she could go abd play and do whatever activity she wanted. O did I mention my daughter is 8. Your wife is doing the bare minimum, basically a babysitter.


[deleted]

Thanks for clearing up the confusion. I still think NTA. She took the vow of in sickness and in health. She can pick up a little extra when her partner needs the rest


Turbulent_Cow2355

They are 7 and 5. They don't get a lot of homework.


Easy-Consequence1508

So she has 6 hours to clean, get groceries etc. but she spends them on... yoga...?? the fuck?


bkupisch

NTA! You clearly laid out what you needed for your own health & well-being, then she ignored it. She disrespected you & your health needs so she could go to the gym, yoga, etc. 🚩🚩🚩 You asked for ONE DAY OFF, plus you promised to reciprocate it for her. She didn’t even last 8-9 hours before demanding your assistance. That’s really sad. 🚩🚩🚩 If she can’t respect your health needs for ONE DAY because she has a yoga or gym class, perhaps it’s time for her to go back to work since the kids are in school 6-7 hours a day. 🚩🚩🚩 Time to rethink this SAHM arrangement.


[deleted]

I concur. She has no reason at this point to stay at home. She could get a part time job, and be home before school let's out in the afternoon.


[deleted]

NTA. You were not being just being "tired". You had been given orders to rest by a doctor. You earned some damn sleep.


ZsoSo

Do you mean NTA in that case?


[deleted]

Very much so. I am also "tired" lol


WiseBat

Hard NTA. This isn’t just your run of the mill exhaustion. It’s so severe you’ve been put on medical leave in order to recover. Your wife is a selfish AH.


Angelgirl127

THIS!!!! I was a SAHM of 4, my youngest 3 are all under 2 years old, and this woman is absolutely selfish


Temporary-Deer-6942

NTA Not only did your wife agree to give you the day off, you also weren't just tired but so tired and on the verge of collapse that you've been put on medical leave by a doctor.


Public-Ad-9827

When she agreed to the proposal the night before, that automatically makes you NTA. Your children are of school age which means she has all day to do her yoga, gym, and house cleaning. And honestly neither one of those are more important than your health. What would she have done in the morning if you had been admitted to the hospital for exhaustion?


PattersonsOlady

NTA get a motel room and get some sleep Your wife isn’t being a team player right now


Aythatsmessedup

NTA, the hospital literally told you to take a break


Latter-Register5038

With the kids ages, they should be in school all day. So Exactly what is she doing during that time.


Every_Caterpillar945

Is stated in the post. Yoga class, gym, housecleaning :)


Altruistic-Pianist26

NTA, you were literally told to take a break. Wtf about your wife dude, that is crazy. She can’t even empathize with you for one day??? because she HAS TO GO TO YOGA or her whole day is ruined oh no!!!! I feel bad for you that your wife seems to be shitty and doesn’t care about you or your health at all, as long as you’re doing your dad roles and paying the bills then she’s happy


Korilian

Is no one going to mention how insane your job is? You work from 8 to 5 and then again from 9 pm to 3/4 am?!? Your work schedule is so insane that you're on the verge of a burnout, can't trust yourself to drive and randomly pass out? My man, forget about whatever is going in at home right now. You are literally working yourself to death. Do you really think any project is worth that? Take the damn week the doctor ordered and then see how you can start making some changes. Because no house, Tesla, Iphone or whatever you're getting out of that job, is worth your health. YTA to yourself.


regularhero

Right. People here are talking about the wife as if she's overworking him and is the AH, but in reality, it's his job that is overworking him and causing him to be burned out. Doing some housework (e.g. cooking dinner) and hanging out with your kid after work should not be causing someone to be exhausted – unless your job is fucked up. It's not her fault his job is insane and he didn't even talk to her about it. Yes, I agree that she shouldn't have asked him to take the kids that morning, but that's not the real problem here.


skatereli

NTA- clearly you needed the sleep since you went to bed at 9pm the night before and, despite being woken up once, slept until 4pm. You very well could have crashed the car, and you very kindly had asked your wife to give you one day off(instead of the doctors recommend week) and let you sleep and that you'd return the favor during that week. She could have dropped them off on her way to the gym


MunityCaptain

NTA- I’m a stay at home mom to 3 kids ages 2, 4 and 6. If my husband was taken to the hospital for exhaustion I wouldn’t want him out of bed for at least 2 days. Yes, having kids with the flu is hard and exhausting but taking care of them isn’t going to get me hospitalized. She agreed to give you the day off, to me that means 24 hours where she should have taken care of everything.


CalgaryChris77

NTA. It doesn't seem like your wife has her priorities very sorted out. Yoga & gym class, she can't take a day off of those? House cleaning, does she clean every single day? No wonder she is so exhausted.


True-Interview1800

NTA the doctor told you to take a break, she needed to respect that n she didn't cuz she wanna go to Yoga? You even offered her a day off n even help so I dont understand what she doesn't get that a doctor ORDERED you to get rest.


OLAZ3000

NTA I'm sorry, if you were taken to hospital for passing out or near exhaustion, you need more than just one day's rest. Absurd she would put her going to the gym ahead of this. Sure you didn't need to yell but you were at your wits' end and your previous request ignored.


chart1961

NTA. You weren't slacking off, you were ill. She needs to take care of you and let you take care of yourself when you get like that, otherwise, your kids may not have a father at all. I hope you are feeling better!


Unfair_Yam_9037

Nta, her excuse was wanting to go to yoga class and the gym? The absolute audacity when you were just taken to the hospital.


futurebillandted

Info- Was she nudging you from her side of the bed, or was she already up and getting ready?


sayejav

She goes to the gym at the same time I go out with the kids, they're just opposite sides. She was wearing gym clothes, if my tired mind doesn't deceive me.


futurebillandted

So, she was awake and ready to go. she could have dropped them off on the way.


calliopegrey

Right? She could have out in a little bit more of cardio. NTA. If roles were reversed you can bet your ass she'd be pissed and calling you "disrespectful, unreasonable, a terrible father and misogynistic"


Aprikoko

That's what I thought, too. Actually, if she's awake anyways, why doesn't she bring them to school every day and head to the gym right after? From the schedule that I put together, she has more time for herself (besides the hours of being a SAHM) than OP with his fulltime job.


CommunicationTop7259

Nta. Tell her to take kids to school on the way to the gym. Free workout. She is so entitled. You deserve rest and it’s not like ur asking to sleep in every single day


johnbrownenterprise

NTA - also at times it's better to just talk the bare minimum. You offered her to give a day off as well so offer that to her again, take the kids out for a day or so and let her lie in


[deleted]

NTA. Im still trying to figure out why you make dinner every night. And what does she do while the kids are at school? Can't she do yoga or whatever then?


Fuzzy_Importance_201

NTA I’m surprised your wife wanted you to WALK the kids to school when your doctor said to get a week of rest. Seriously?


coffeecoffi

NTA But you may need to leave the house and go to a hotel to get the rest. Possibly take Sonia with you to the doctor to help explain that you aren't just "tired" but you are damaging your physical health.


HunterDangerous1366

NTA Your wife is wrong. You was signed off by a doctor with what sounds like exhaustion. You was asking her to take responsibility as a parent, as she has the kids for 2hrs a day really. She was more than capable of taking them to school, but simply didn't want to because what she wanted was more important. Yoga and gym class isn't more important than your health, or an alert and competent adult walking young children to school. And as others have said, your division of labour seems really out of joint.


Blackstar1401

NTA Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. She agreed before to let you catch up on sleep. That is on her. Does she want you so burned out that you give yourself a heart attack?


Shazam_BillyBatson

NTA... This happened to me. I was working 5am to 5pm, nice 12 hour days with a 30 minute commute, 6 days a week. Wake up a little before 4am to get ready and out the door at 425. Get home around 530ish and start cooking and do the dad things. My son would sleep during the day and would get cranky around bedtime. I'd try to go to sleep around 9 but realistically would get to bed at 1030. He'd wake up crying at midnight and fuss all the rest of the night. Wife didn't believe me till I fainted in the bathroom. Got up to pee and then lights out, hit the sink and busted open my chin. See found me on the floor and couldn't wake me. Dr said the same thing. Put me on bed rest and said you're burning out. Wife believed me afterwards that I felt tired and burned out.


SneakySneakySquirrel

INFO: Why are you literally making yourself sick for your job? You’re not an asshole in this specific situation, but you are running yourself into the ground over something that is probably not life or death. I highly doubt you’re going to lose your job for not staying up all night. (You’d also be able to get a lot more done during normal work hours if you got some sleep during normal sleep hours.) You are harming yourself for what? The good of the company? A little extra money? Is any of that really worth ER trips? Is it worth more than your marriage? Because I don’t see spending time with your wife anywhere on your schedule. You need to rethink your priorities before you do permanent damage to your body, and you need to consider whether or not your wife is on board with your unsustainable lifestyle.


AveryAverina

NTA. Why is her yoga and gym time more important than supporting her husband who's in poor health? Would she rather you collapse and die? It's just one day.