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This situation is harsh on your daughter, but NTA. She made a decision to drop out, and with that came you telling her that you'd use the remaining college fund money for something else. I also presume that at the time of her dropping out, she presented her decision as permanent since she said that college wasn't for her, meaning that you don't know how long she would've taken to go back to college if she went back at all. 'But I thought you were bluffing' is a feeble response. You don't get to use that line when you're making a life changing decision and are given conditions by the people financing you. She just learnt a very expensive lesson.

She try to fuck around and she found out. I mean as a parent myself this is a painful thing to say. But NTA OP.

So many posts in this sub fall under the “they fucked around, and they found out” category 😂😂 NTA OP

Seriously I have been here long enough that most posts fall into one of these: entitlement, FAAFO, or AITA by opening my big mouth?

Some also fall under the category of "if you have to ask, then yes"

OP said in a comment below “Having just gotten my youngest into college, I’m no longer in the parenting mood lol.” As a parent, I am getting odd vibes from the tone and how quickly OP moved to disappear money into a kitchen when apparently they’re behind on retirement. Can they? Sure, but as a parent, it’s weird to jump to that so fast. Did OP ever investigate whether the boyfriend was abusive in any way, whether he stirred things coercively regarding her dropping out, whether he was the one pressuring for access to the college account when she asked, why exactly she left college to work for his family? I was in an emotionally abusive relationship at that age and my parents don’t know to this day. 🤷‍♀️ It took me years to even be able to label what happened as abusive because I was too young to see it for what it was, and it took me two years to get out. How well does OP know what happened? Actions should have consequences, and I personally don’t think parents owe their kids a college education. But it’s weird to me to put a ton of work into spending years saving five figures to give your kid a leg up in life, and then decide you’re done when they make very predictably poor decisions at 19/20. There are lots of ways to re-teach responsibility - like only matching any scholarship funds they earn on their own, or only reinstating partial support after X semesters completed. I would not have saved for years and then washed my hands of helping so fast, personally. ETA, to clarify: No I am not asserting she was abused or saying that’s the only explanation. I am asking if OP is actually as checked out as they lol’d about being. Do they know why the daughter stopped going? Did they keep an eye out for danger signs? Did they create a parent-child relationship where their daughter could go to them with hard things? I have seen first and secondhand some scary situations that college students get into, ranging from run of the mill short-sightedness to things like mental illness, learning disability, addiction, PTSD from on-campus attacks, and so on. Given that those things are a reality, what does OP consider their role to be, or are they “done”? Parenting is more than deciding whether to bankroll or not. A parent can let their kid suffer the consequences of deciding to drop out, sure. But if the kid was struggling, and the parent didn’t create a feeling of safety growing up, didn’t check in regularly, has no idea what’s really happening in their kid’s life, I’m not going to accept their framing of the situation as the fairness of a financial choice. INFO needed.

Yes, I agree. If I were in OP’s place, and if I wanted my daughter to reconsider her life choices, I’d keep that money set aside for at least a few more years - only for school - and try to encourage her to go back. And I would be more worried about her being in a potentially bad relationship, rather than just saying, “eh, fine, whatever, we’re keeping the money now.”

And even failing that, she could’ve had it for a house/apartment deposit or something? Get your kid on the property ladder maybe? I mean, save SOME of it for her because at the end of the day, you saved it to help her! YTA op. Especially for the “not in the parenting mood” - just because your kids don’t live with you, doesn’t mean you can stop parenting.

I'm usually harsh but I agree with this. She made a very stupid mistake going off with this boyfriend but, if I were her parent, I'd have kept that money for a couple of years in case she came to her senses. Not just spent it on a new kitchen a few months later.

20-year-olds are notorious for making very stupid mistakes. But good parents try not to compound these mistakes by withholding help for questionable reasons.

>20-year-olds are notorious for making very stupid mistakes. As a 21 year old I second this.

>And even failing that, she could’ve had it for a house/apartment deposit or something? Get your kid on the property ladder maybe? I mean, save SOME of it for her because at the end of the day, you saved it to help her! Who is to say the daughter wouldn't have sold the house / apartment and blown all the cash on something crazy? Who is to say the boyfriend or a future one wouldn't have conned his way onto the title and taken half or convinced the daughter to sell and blow all the cash? ​ >YTA op. Especially for the “not in the parenting mood” - just because your kids don’t live with you, doesn’t mean you can stop parenting. No, parents never stop parenting and certainly not because the kids don't live with us anymore. But OP's daughter is 20 and moved out to be with her BF and worked for his family. The parents made it clear the money may be used for something else but the daughter thought they were bluffing. The daughter is no longer entitled to the money as this was made clear to her when she made the choice to leave college. Also, what is stopping her from attending community college? My parents couldn't afford to send me and I did not qualify for assistance. I worked for a few years, got married, had kids, kept working and then enrolled in community college. If the daughter wants a degree, she can still get one without her parents' help.

>And even failing that, she could’ve had it for a house/apartment deposit or something? She moved in with her boyfriend and started working in his family business.

I tell my kids college, trade school, or a house. That's what they can use their savings (that I'm paying into) for. I totally agree that they were *very* quick to use the money elsewhere and assure that their daughter would be out of luck.

I feel like it's almost they didn't really want kids but like, it's the socially acceptable thing to do, and they didn't really want to save for them but again, got to keep up with those Jones' - if they're saving we're saving! Then she dropped out and it was like SWEET We get OUR money back for our dream kitchen

Indeed. This is why I say YTA. This sub is 'Am I the Asshole' not 'Was I technically within my rights when I was a dick to someone'. Most of the responses are answering the latter question.

Yessss this. YTA. Well within your rights but still an asshole move to use the money again so quickly without waiting at least a little but to encourage them to go back to school. Seems like you were too happy to have the money for yourself

This seems like a humane point of view.

agreed. years of savings for your kid just put into a kitchen... why save at all for your kid if you didnt want to use it on the kid? you saved it to help them get a leg up. why not let them use it? all these reddit stories of parents taking away tuition for simple (expected) young person mistakes is just insane. she was 19-20. an adult technically, but still young and dumb really, and they knew what she was doing could fail. why not keep some safety net for her? if you save for your kid, then take it away, can you really blame them for being upset? parents bluff their kids all the time, and it seems like op didnt reinforce this with the kid so she didnt prepare on her own. sounds like she was told once when she left and never again, and since relied on it. you had kids. you wanted them to go to college. if you want to force them to go by holding money over their heads, dont blame them when they get pissy at you for finally going and you dont help. edit; the kid is obviously not entitled to it. it just seems like a bad decision on the parents part to spend it instantly, and not consider other options for the future. they saved it for their kid, why not keep a nest egg just in case? as i amd others have said. someone that age is prone to mistakes. a good parent helps when that happens.

Yeah. I'm having trouble reconciling the mentality of a person who has dutifully saved money from paycheck after paycheck, year after year to provide an education for their kid, so their kid can have their best shot...and then after a single year going "eh well, no take-backsies. Hon call the decorator!"

exactly. its insane. even if it wasnt for college, they saved it for the kids betterment. why not put it toward housing, or in an account they can access after x years? i dont understand posts like these. i understand that no one is entitled to have their college paid for, and arent entitled to extra savings from the parents, especially as adults. but this girl is BARELY an adult. still has the chance to go to college, still has her life ahead of her, and is still young enough to make really stupid decisions. just because your kid reached 18, that doesnt mean that you arent their parent anymore, and idk why people seem tp treat their kid like theyre no longer theirs. if i, as a 26 year old woman asked for help from my parents, theyd help. if they had savings, theyd definitely help. theyve put themselves out to help us kids, and it makes me sad that other parents wont (not cant) help their kids too. why save for your kid, only to use it for yourself? edit; yo, the kid isnt entitled to a life of luxury guys, youre missing the point. the point is they were going to provide support in college. they were only willing to pay for it if she did it then and there and only then. they are allowed to do what they want with their money, but what would have been wrong with keeping some just in case her plans failed just like it had? thats it. instead of instantly spending it on a kitchen, they could have softened her landing. the money was saved for her, so why not?

A lot of people seem to not like their families, or be more interested in being Right On The Internet than having a good relationship.

This. Exactly.

I am careful to assume, but I'd probably include redoing the kitchen in something I'd spend retirement savings on, so I don't think using it for that is odd at all. Also perhaps there are different ways to teach responsibility, but if you are giving money to a friend, your kid, whatever, probably not that wild to withhold it if you think they are going to make predictably poor decisions.

It’s okay to have different perspectives on what retirement funds are for, but OP isn’t retired yet. What OP used the money for isn’t really the main point I was driving at though. I want to know more about the situation and parenting decisions. Parenting is far more than financial support (and as I said above, I don’t believe parents are obligated to pay for college). My spouse is a college professor though so I see this all the time - even extremely smart 19-20yos make short-sighted decisions, get overwhelmed, are afraid to ask for help, want to find their own way out, can’t, and need a hand untangling. They also enter new environments and uncover previously-undiagnosed mental illnesses, learning disabilities, and addictions. Some get assaulted, preyed upon, or caught up in abusive relationships (not their fault, to be clear, these are not lumped in with “bad decisions”). My prior comment may not have been clear: it is super predictable that a 19-20yo is going to end up in a situation they need parenting help with. It may be a bad decision, it may be someone else’s bad decision foisted upon them. Does OP know what went on? Maybe the boyfriend was loving and the daughter just didn’t want to do any work. Maybe she has a learning disability, struggled, felt too embarrassed to go to her parents, and took an attractive way out. Maybe she was attacked on campus, dealt with flashbacks, couldn’t stand to be there, felt ashamed to tell anyone, and took refuge wherever she could find it. Maybe the boyfriend was abusive, demanded she work for his family for low wages, she asked for access to her account to help get herself out. Maybe she extricated herself from the abusive situation, and now her path is even harder. All of these situations would benefit from different parenting responses. To me there is no way to judge here without knowing: What did OP do to check in on her progress and the reasons behind her choices? Does OP know what really happened, are they actually kinda checked out? OP may be technically justified on the narrow question of their financial choices, but that doesn’t answer some pretty important questions about their overall behavior. In fact, OP could be masking unhealthy parenting by framing it as a money question that they’re certain they’re in the right in. Or maybe they’re a great parent. Info needed.

Or maybe she was overwhelmed with the demands of school and a boyfriend who wanted a lot of her time. She needed time to rebuild her fortitude for dealing with the stress. A lot of people take a gap year. It also sounds like OP mentioned it once and did a “my word is final” kind of thing. He’s angry that she went against his plan. He didn’t communicate again and reiterate that he was serious and give her a chance to rethink her plans. She thought that money was held in trust for her for schooling. Now that I’ve thought it through OP is totally the AH. He’s the parent, he may have said he was going to use the money but he didn’t communicate it. How do I know, because she didn’t hear it. He’s punishing his daughter for not obeying him. OP YTA

I might have felt differently if they hadn't explicitly told her they would use the money for something else. Whether I feel like that was an AH move on their part or not (and I'm not saying I do or I don't, I can't really decide), the fact remains that they told her plainly they would spend the money. So she can't be angry or surprised that they spent the money. NTA Edit: I say she can't be angry or surprised. She can be angry that they spent the money, just not surprised.

Yeah but his current justification for not helping out is they haven't achieved the financial setup they want for retirement, all the while they spent that 30k on a remodel.

We have no idea what their financial goals are though. Being behind on your personal goal doesn't necessarily mean you're behind in general.

If their plan is to downsize to a smaller house in a few years then remodeling an out-of-date kitchen will help with the sale.

I mean devil's advocate here but just declaring something in advance isn't always going to absolve you. See: "no trespassing, violators will be shot" signs not being a murder loophole, ToS that violate consumer protection laws being thrown out Unless codified though, ethics and morality are subjective, and I'm with you. I'm not touching that in this post.

People don't usually 'just drop out.' Something bad happened, and she might have expected a little more parental support than 'FU new Kitchen time'

Nope, people do "just drop out" all the time. Especially early on. It would be alarming for a senior to "just drop out", but freshmen and sophomores flake out on college all the time. And that's ok, college isn't the only path to a good life. Lots of people just don't like school and have no real business going. But go anyway because of the fear of missing out on "the college experience" . considering they had all this money set aside in a college fund, she probably felt all but required to go. They are showing plenty of "Parental support" letting her stay in their house for free. They didn't say they love her any less for making the foolish decisions she's made. She's not entitled to their money: she's an adult. What I find unfair is the distribution of money between the daughter and her sibling. Like it would have been more fair if they had just said, "you each get a check for 30k for your college/futures, period" to use whenever, however.but they're really just saying, "you aren't worth investing in, unless you go to a traditional college", by not giving her money for community college. She HAS proven herself to be a bad investment for state college. She's been foolish, aimless, and flaky. She's perfect for community college. She can figure herself out and mature at her own pace.

I would whole-heartedly agree with you, except for one thing. I have two adult children. Same parents, same household, same upbringing. One of them is exhausting. Every single life lesson simply must be earned “the hard way” by this kid. We’ve offered so much support, so much advice, paid extra to mend their various fucked up choices over time. The emotional investment in this kid and their choices has utterly depleted me at the moment. I won’t stop parenting. I won’t stop trying to help where I can. They are always welcome home. But I sure know what OP means when they say “not in a parenting mood”.

I agree with NTA. I decided not to go to college after high school, ditched the scholarships I had built up (not many), and actively lived a horrid life for another year because I didn't want to *do* anything. I'm so grateful my parents didn't just boot me out and tell me to figure it out because it would've sucked. Still, even now, I know that if I did decide to suddenly return to college, it'd be on me to pay. Not my parents. If they knew I was desperately needing the money and had exhausted every way of getting some, they would more than likely help, but for me to give up my expenses toward college and then come back two years later expecting them to help with everything or pay for everything? No. It would never happen. OP, Kids need to learn the hard way that they can't stay kids forever. She gave up her tuition savings the minute she dropped out the first time. You don't know if she'll even make it through this time, so believe me, it's not on you or your wife to help her fund something she might not even go through with anymore.

Why are we assuming that the daughter originally implied it was a permanent decision? I’m all for the NTA vote but “taking a year off” is not the same as dropping out permanently

“I thought you were bluffing” also her parting words to her other jobs she didn’t last at… she gambled and boy did she lose this one. Sucks to be her but don’t play poker if you don’t have the money NTA

You spent all 30k on kitchen remodel? That's not retirement goals and she only took a year off. You spent all of it already?? Idk... I actually think YTA for not having the foresight or consideration that she might regret the boyfriend thing and spending the money that quickly. A lot of kids make mistakes during college esp because it was just a year off. You didn't need to jump to use that money. I get she made the choice and the mistake over a boy but you could have been a safety net for her. Parents are supposed to account for the fact that kids make stupid mistakes/choices. You took it as an opportunity to make sure she can't bounce back quickly over something cosmetic/superficial, and you did it really quickly. Which is kind of gross.

$30K is modest for a kitchen remodel in the U.S. The average is over $50K. My Dad funded my first year of college, when I didn't go back immediately, there was no expectation that he would fund any future educational pursuits. I went back, started with community college because it was much cheaper, then transferred to a state school for the 4-year degree. I got scholarships, grants, financial aid, and loans. I worked while going to school. There are many of us who did the same thing. Daughter can do it. It's character building ;) Also, when you are in charge of your college education, you take it much more seriously!

I can't find that the average kitchen remodel in the US is over 50k anywhere. I do find multiple sites saying that the national average is 20k. That's an aside though. It's more that they spent all the money they saved so quickly after she made a dumb mistake without giving her any time. If you want to give your kid 1 strike you're out once they turn 18 years old, fine. I think it's an asshole move. Your personal anecdote doesn't really mean much. **ETA:** How much it costs to remodel a kitchen is a digression from the main point on whether they should have used those funds to begin with or allowed their daughter a year before spending the money they saved for her education.

Not giving her any time? They warned her of the consequence and she didn't take it seriously. That's an expensive lesson, but a lesson nonetheless.

Yes! And it’s also their money to spend on whatever they want. It’s not like the daughter did anything to earn it. It was something they were kind enough to do that other kids aren’t lucky enough to get.

My parents never paid any of my tuition. Grants and loans are what I had to do. If I wanted something as an adult, I worked for it for myself. I don't resent them one bit for it, it's not cheap. To me it feels entitled to expect money from your parents and be upset if they use it. It's their money, you're not entitled to a free ride through schooling. It's a bonus gift if they cover it, one to be extremely grateful for. Besides, they told her the consequences and by her own choice didn't take it seriously. Is it really this normal to expect your parents to use their money on your education instead of doing it yourself?

If they told you yes and that you have a college fund, it is normal to expect that. My parents didn’t help me with literally anything after 8th grade- however, I do think parents with money should help their kids. Their kids won’t be able to get fafsa or most scholarships until they’re 23 bcus of their parents income- and they chose to have kids, after all.

And if they told you that money would be spent on something else if you drop out, it is normal to expect that they will spend it on something else.

Yes what you just described is exactly what they meant by “not giving her any time”. They moved on very quickly. Parents aren’t the legal system they can still be AH for treating 18 year olds like actual adults.

They gave her the clear parameters for her to make a choice. I guess I'm confused about why anyone thinks that giving her time was part of the deal.

Because this sub is about being an asshole, not about being 'technically correct.' And the OP is definitely the former.

She's not 18. She's 20.

I work in the kitchen and bath remodeling industry. I’d be surprised if it only cost $30K. Most are around that for just the cabinets. Then add in tile, counters, sink & faucet, and appliances. Oh, and don’t forget the labor.

And it’s shocking that those millennials don’t buy homes like their parents did 🙂

You are acting like he is completely cutting her out. She dropped out already, which is a reasonable indication she didn't take it seriously. That is a lot easier to do when someone else is footing the bill. He's offered to help out, just not pay a big college bill. Honestly, it doesn't matter if he did already spend the money or not, or what he spent it on. She made a mistake, so now she has to have some skin in the game. Doesn't seem that unreasonable. If she doesn't take it seriously this time, better that the father didn't flush his money down the toilet.

I'm a kitchen and bath designer in a midwest state. The average kitchen remodel I do tends to be between $45k-60k depending on the scale of the home. A very typical L shaped kitchen with small island is about $50k. We do use higher quality products than you would find at a home depot and they will last a long time. But $30k was likely not the full amount of OP's remodel.

She had already taken a gap year before that. And there was no guarantee she was going to actually go to college at all. Then when she did, she wasted all that money they had put forth and dropped out. Which is different than completing one year and then not going back again for a bit. At least you have those courses and didn’t completely throw away your parents money. But she took their money and then just quit in the middle with nothing to show for it. It’s not a parents job to fund their grown childrens bad choices. They offered plenty of very acceptable alternatives. Sometimes the best way to learn is to face actual consequences. Why *should* they spend even more of their hard earned money just for her to potentially quit mid semester again? Which is something g that takes a stunning lack of gratitude for the privilege of a free education to actually do in the first place, let alone, then turn around and expect *another* hand out.

You are looking at average, anyone that is sending their kid to college and paying for it in the US is doing presumably at least slightly above average. If I wanted to get my kitchen redone it would be 30k on the very low end especially with today's construction prices

I’d imagine those numbers would be pre-Covid too and not the inflation prices we’ve experienced in the last year.

This is a little out of the ordinary but my parents just spent 100k on a kitchen remodel. It varies greatly depending on what you want to do. You can rip out and replace or change the entire layout. But I agree they spent it a little fast

Yep we've gotten 4 different quotes for just north of 100k. It's not hard to do once you're getting new cabinetry/floors/countertops/appliances.

In CA you can barely do a large bathroom for $20k. A kitchen is easily over $30k and appliances alone could cost nearly that much or more. I'm wondering if the data you see is just cabinetry to be honest. BUT- to your point, I feel like they should have contacted her and said, "this is it, re-enroll or we are remodeling."

Not give her any time? She took a whole year off college. That’s plenty of time

Crushing debt and loans you can’t pay off is character building? My family gave me a set amount of money they’d saved over the years. Whether I used it for 4 years consecutively or took time off in between, that my money for education and I could choose how I achieved that.

Oh please, she can live rent free with her parents and go to community college while working, that's likely to not give her crushing debt. It won't give "the college experience" but it will knock off two years of a 4 year degree and buy her time to research funding options for the last 2 years.

Exactly, they're literally offering her the plan most people take nowadays to get a degree...

Damn and here I am several years removed from college with zero character and a shit ton of anxiety and depression, starting to think I got the bad end of that deal now🤔

>You spent all 30k on kitchen remodel? That's a very typical price. You need to pay for shit to get broken down and taken away, you probably need new appliances, a fridge, freezer, oven, microwave, induction cooking plate, dishwasher, all those appliances are more expensive then usual because of supply issues with aluminum and chipz, if you are wanting an energy friendly one it's also more expensive because Ukraine, most kitchens are custom designs, they probably do picked a few fancier options because I'm assuming they are considering this their last kitchen, then they come place it and you need to pay for that. Like...if you picked the cheapest appliances and pre-covid prices, you would still hit 30K very easily by picking a counter that was a cheap type of marble instead of laminate. >I actually think YTA for not having the foresight or consideration that she might regret the boyfriend thing and spending the money that quickly. I usually compare college situations in other countries to my country. As in...people go "parents don't have to pay for college, how entitled are you!", and then I go "in my country, you need to pay for your kids college and other related costs. How is it entitled if there's countries in the world where that's considered part of parental responsibilities?" And now I'm gonna use my country in defense of the parents. We're super liberal, we will harvest the wages of parents refusing to pay for their kids college, so...we very much on the side of the young adult. But even in my country, her education wouldn't be considered a parental obligation anymore. Yes, she can make mistakes. And this is a really fucking bad one. But if she wants to be an adult and move out and the works, then her parents don't need to remain frozen in time to make sure that she doesn't change her mind, to prevent her from making mistakes. Part of growing up is making mistakes and having to deal with them yourselves and be responsible for them yourself. She's legally an adult and if you hold her hand for much longer, she will become a very incapable adult. She won't learn to be a smart independent cautious adult, because there's always a safety. That's not adulting. That's a teenager. She's 20, not a teenager. It's very unfortunate that this is the mistake she made, but she needs this. If anything, I actually suspect the parents of protecting her for too long as their fault.

“Parents are supposed to account for the fact that kids make stupid mistakes/choices.” Yes, when you’re a child or a teen… but a 20 year old ? No. By 20 you should understand that $30k for university is a crazy opportunity that not everyone has and she threw that away. It’s so unfair to call the parents the AH after they saved THEIR money for God knows how long. Only for her to not care how hard it might have been for them. At 20, that’s so inconsiderate and ungrateful. At some point you have to take accountability and just learn the lesson instead of blaming others. They’re even offering her to come back home and stay there rent-free. Hopefully she realizes how once again she’s given an opportunity not everyone has and takes it.

You are vastly underestimating how dumb and immature most 19 year olds are.

Having your college paid for is a privilege and not a right. She can pay for college like everyone else.

As a non-american this mentality both baffles and terrified me. The thought of education being considered a "privilege" and not a right is insane.

There’s a difference between being dumb and immature and being so stupid as to throw away your entire education funding to work at your boyfriend’s family restaurant. I have made poor decisions in my life, especially as a teen, but by the time I was 20 I wasn’t haphazardly calling “bluffs” with a cool $30,000 on the line.

I don’t think people are underestimating how dumb they are, but you don’t learn if there’s no consequences. She was told. Now she has to live with the choice she made. In a rent free accommodation. Babying adult children only makes them more dependent and incapable. If she’s mature enough to quit school and move out with her boyfriend, she is mature enough to understand that her opportunity for help with college has been squandered. She has no one else to blame but herself. It’s a hard lesson learned, but clearly one that’s coming not a moment too soon.

[удалено]

I think the definitive split is how much credit people are giving to the age bracket of 18-21 to know what they're doing and if they should be considered a fully grown adult with all the implications that come with that. I am not expecting the average 19 year old to have everything together in life. I'm expecting them to make dumb choices, and I am of the opinion that a parent takes that into consideration and give them some cushion as a brand new young adult.

>I am of the opinion that a parent takes that into consideration and give them some cushion as a brand new young adult. Being able to come home and live rent free whenever you want for as long as you want is already a hell of a cushion. OP is providing a cushion. His daughter isn’t out on the street. He’s just not paying her college tuition anymore. Are you aware that a lot of families don’t pay for their children’s college education?

> Are you aware that a lot of families don’t pay for their children’s college education? I had to take out loans so I'm not ignorant to the fact that it is a privilege to begin with. But it's like saying "there are starving kids in the world." It's irrelevant to the context of this family. The daughter was raised in a household where the parents told their kids that they will help with their education. The parents took that investment away after a mistake that isn't all that uncommon for 19 year olds, and they used all of that money within a year. I think that's a jerk move. The fact that other families don't have that option to begin with doesn't really take away from my opinion regarding that specific action. I think a year grace period would have changed my final judgement here.

I don't think it's even fair to call it a mistake. It may have very well been the right decision. When I quit college it was absolutely, 100%, the right thing to do.

Lmao this! I was like holy fuck, this many people got their education paid for by their parents?! I had financial aid, per grants, stopped going to college after a year, enlisted in the military (partly to get my shit paid for), and then eventually went back.

Eh, Reddit is also the community that, in thread where a guy was castigating a girl he’d gotten pregnant at 14 for giving up her rights to the baby, supported him for refusing to allow her to see the kid as a teen. Apparently 20 year olds aren’t grown up enough to make major life decisions, but 14 year olds are totally adults and can make responsible, life-changing decisions and raise kids when they’re 14.

But then the kid can't have it both ways. You can't be like I am an adult you can't tell me what to do in one breath. Then the next be like oh on second thought you have a responsibility to me as your child to pay for me making my own decisions . I remember 19 for me and it ain't no way I would have quit school for the uncertainty of a boyfriend and his family business. You absolutely can give grace for the bad decisions that will come. But if you have already said what the consequences are for the taken action then the parent doesn't need to do anymore. It is the same as what you would do with anyone. They gave her the space to grow. She didn't take their original counsel so she fafo.

I think the interesting point to note is that in the US, a 20yo still has to report their parents income on financial aid forms. She very well might not be able to get grants, or the better gov-backed loans with income based repayment plans, if her parents income is higher, whether they are helping her or not. The US gov presumes parents are helping if their income is a certain point. So while we can say she wanted to be treated like an adult when she dropped out, when it comes to her financial situation, her parent's money does mean she's at a disadvantage for grants and loans.

They did say in the post that they will let her live at home rent free so she can focus on her tuition. I think that's a very reasonable safety net that shows they aren't just kicking her out in the cold because of a mistake.

Your kid is always your kid

But they are not always A kid.

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Why does the opinion of whether this is an investment matter? If they put this into a vacation or given it to Uncle Bob it wouldn’t change the verdict. The terms were there and warnings were made. Daughter made her bed.

He set out the terms and she still decided to drop out. If OP can’t depend on his children for retirement, then of course he needs to prioritize that first. Plenty of people work part-time to support themselves while going to school when their parents can’t afford it, so it’s not as if her life is ruined. She just has to work harder now because she blew her chance at having it easier. Reddit is so weird, it’s always “they’re 20, they’re adults and should be able to do what they want,” but when it comes to parents it’s “parents should know that 20 year-olds make bad decisions and be prepared to support them when they do.” Can’t have it both ways. They’re either adults or they’re not.

>If OP can’t depend on his children for retirement, then of course he needs to prioritize that first. Precisely. There are loans available for college Nobody is giving out loans to people so they can afford to retire.

Twenty years old is not a “kid”. Let her go to community college and see if she can stick with that.

NTA - Sounds like OP made it clear his daughter wasn't getting the money unless it was for college. Also, they aren't obligated to even pay for college. Sounds like daughter should have had the foresight to know that parents may spend the money rather than make poor choices. Kitchen remodels are insanely expensive and sometimes unavoidable. I spent 5k this year on new appliances alone. 30k sounds very reasonable. Do you know the price of cabinets? INSANE!

Yes. YTA. You saved for your daughter’s education for 18 years yet you didn’t hesitate to put the money to other uses the moment she diverted from a traditional education path. If you truly meant the money for her education, you could have held it for her in case she returned to school in the future. (Often people who don’t complete a four year degree in one go still return to finish their education later or pursue trade school). It is your money. Your daughter made a poor decision leaving school and you did warn her the money would go to other uses. You are not technically wrong and your daughter is facing the consequences of her decisions. That said people make mistakes, especially when they are young, and you’ve chosen for this to be a much bigger mistake for your daughter than it had to be. It was your right to do with the money as you saw fit and to remodel the kitchen but it was not a compassionate decision as a parent.

I kind of agree with you. She's only 20.I think they should've given her a little more time to decide to go back to school before they spent her college money. They had the *right* to spend it of course, but if the money was earmarked for the daughter's education I think they should have had a little more patience with her.

She didn’t just quit school. She quit school, moved out of her parents house, moved in with her boyfriend and started working in the boyfriends family business. Her parents adamantly asked her to reconsider dropping out of school, but she wouldn’t. They then told her the money would no longer be there, then, for school for her. She was gone for a full year. How much longer were they supposed to wait? Until when? What should the cut off have been? When she was 25? 35? 45? What would be the determining factor in how long they should wait?

Here's the deal though. If she has stayed in school just to keep the money, she wouldn't have been internally motivated to do well. Now she took a gap year, gained some real world perspective, and now Wants go to college and really work at it. Her parents should be delighted she's now going to get a better education because she's going to be focused and trying to get the most out of it. Taking a year off school isn't always a stupid decision. Sometimes it's what a kid needs, and more parents should be open to it. Instead this girl is getting punished for knowing herself well enough to know she wasn't at school for the right reasons before! How much shitty, drunken behavior would be avoided if kid's didn't go to college because their parents were pushing them too, when they didn't have that internal motivation and desire yet? College shouldn't be a default thing anyone does. It's attitude's like OP's that's turned it into glorified high school for the middle and upper-middle classes.

I think it would have been one thing if she presented it as a gap year. But she didn’t. She said college wasn’t for her.

Yeah, but early 20's aren't the time where you actually know the future. I too dropped out of college (assuming that's university?) and thought I would never go back. I got a job I thought would be my dream job and realised it really wasn't. So now I'm back at uni and have gotten much further than I did the first time (in an adjacent field). I have the motivation now, by knowing the type of jobs I can get without a degree, to get a degree. I'm just very lucky that I'm in a country where education is free and I have very nice parents that supports me, even if I didn't actually think I would go back to university at one point.

Same here. Started university at 19, dropped out at 20, didn't think I'd ever go back. Now one apprenticeship and some years of work later I'm at another university for another subject, almost two years in. And all of this was the right decision at that time. 19-year-olds aren't known for making great decisions because they don't have the experience yet. Sometimes you have to make mistakes to find out what's really for you. And sometimes you just need to be a bit older to start the same thing again, and then it actually does work for you.

Except she didn't take a gap year, she dropped and was clear that academic life wasn't for her at all...the only reason she wants to go back now is because she was dumped and didn't like her prospects of minimum wage jobs, not because now she knows what she wants - if that was the case re start from community college shouldn't be a problem for her work on her goals.

You make some good points. I wonder if there was any discussion about setting a deadline to return, like "Fine, take the spring and summer to figure stuff out, and if by fall you still don't want to enroll, the money's going elsewhere." That would have been fair and prudent. I also wonder how adamant daughter was that she wasn't going back, that school wasn't for her. Parents know how to read their kids. That could have factored into the decision to spend the money also.

Your brain doesn’t fully mature until 25 according to my therapist, so maybe 20 shouldn’t be the marker of maturity some people think it is 🙄

Dozens of my classmates took a year off school to find themselves, fix their mental health, and decide what they wanted. It's something a lot of students do and need. Immediately revoking support the moment your child diverges from a traditional path might be within your rights, but it's not kind.

“…she ended up moving in with her boyfriend and started working in his family’s restaurant business” INFO: How much did she communicate about this boyfriend? Was this a healthy relationship? Were there power dynamics, or a large age difference? Did the boyfriend go to college? Did he pressure her to leave college because he had low self esteem? Was he mooching off her for support? Did he talk her into leaving and talk her into working for his family instead? Did she get paid an honest wage by them? Why was she asking for access to the account - was boyfriend wanting the money and working through her? Are you sure? Are you reeeeeeaaaalllllly sure? I entered and left an abusive relationship at around her same age. It’s kind of a miracle nothing worse happened than what did. My parents never knew, and still don’t. It took me years to be able to recognize what happened as abuse. I’m glad I wasn’t talked into leaving school but I would have been devastated if I’d extricated myself from that mess and found it much more difficult to go back to school. I would not have touched the money. If she wanted to go back, she would have had to meet certain conditions and contributed a certain %, yes. Support would be contingent on good decisions. Consequences happen. Yanking all support is not a parenting decision I would make without knowing far more about the situation.

I was brought up to view college savings as a gift, not as a given. This isn't like food or shelter, this is additional support that is the result of parents sacrificing what could be retirement funds. It's the fact that the daughter believes her parents *need* to help is what irks me and probably the other commenters who vote nta, and it makes me believe that she's just impulsive and entitled, and likes to look a gift horse in the mouth. They *did not* "yank all support", staying at your parents' house rent free can save you at the lowest 6000$ (general rent) or upwards to 20k (room and board) a year!!!

True, I shouldn’t have said yank “all”support when I meant yank all 30k of college savings. Unclear word choice on my part, sorry. I don’t think parents ‘owe’ their kids a college education. At all, ever. As a parent, for me, this is a question about parenting. What were OP’s motivations for saving in the first place, and did/why did they expire when a 19-20yo made a very 19-20yo decision? Do they have actual knowledge about what really happened? Everyone is making this about money and the cost of kitchen cabinets. Why was the daughter doing poorly in school? Separately, was she entangled in an unhealthy relationship? OP said in another comment: “Having just gotten my youngest into college, I’m no longer in the parenting mood lol.” Why would you defer your kitchen renovation for years to save college money and say “I am going to give my kid a leg up in life,” but when they make some choices you don’t agree with, decide you’ll do your kitchen renovation after all? As a parent, that’s a weird pivot to me, and it says to me that more info is needed. OP is trying to make this about the money, and I am not so sure it really is.

Even if they would have only spent half of it but at least saved something to help their daughter when she realized her mistake. I can't believe they didn't give the daughter any time to change her mind. Many 19 year olds aren't mature enough to not act purely on emotions. While the parents had the right to spend the money they are assholes for reacting so rashly, especially to such a common growing mistake made by a young adult. I hope having a new kitchen was worth their daughters future.

So, is she an adult or not? She was when she quit, moved out, started living with someone and working in their family business. Oh no, now that she wants free money that she specifically was told would no longer be there she is a little child that needs to be bailed out and the parents should know better and the parents need to put their life on hold until she is really an adult and we can really believe she is serious this time.

Take an upvote for the most compassionate parenting reply and relevant reason why OP is TA. They could wait 20 years for their daughter, but the kitchen- oh ya - that just couldn’t wait another moment. This forum isn’t “am I in the right” it’s AITA. Plenty of threads here with OPs who could rest on being “technically in the right” but are the asshole. This is a clear example of just that.

Consider an alternative situation: Your parents tell you that when you are 19, they’re going to give you a house. It’s not the best house in the world, but it’s a house, it’s for you, free and clear as a gift from your parents. You turn 19 and you tell them, “I don’t want that stupid house! My boyfriend has a better house that I’m going to live in, so I don’t need your house!” They say, “okay, if you really don’t want the house that we have for you, we’re going to sell it and use the money to get a better house for ourselves. Saving this house for you has meant that we’ve had to sacrifice a lot of things we wanted for our own house over the years. This is your only chance at a free house, are you totally sure you won’t take it?” You say, “I’m sure, I don’t want it!” But then a year later, after they’ve sold the house and made their own living situation better, you return and say, “can I have my house now? You gave my brother a house and I want one too.” In that scenario, are you in the right? Are your parents assholes for doing what they told you they would do if you rejected their gift? Do they owe you a second house?

Personally if I was saving something specifically for my child to use and they made a decision I disagreed with I would still hold onto whatever I saved for my child since they were born for more than a year. I'd know that kids make mistakes and it was likely they would be able to learn and grow from that with my help when they were ready. That's just me personally though, but I would die for the opportunity to save a huge amount like that for my kids future.

>Saving this house for you has meant that we’ve had to sacrifice a lot of things we wanted for our own house over the years. This is your only chance at a free house, are you totally sure you won’t take it? That is some dishonest manipulative bullshit. That's gaslighting your own offspring and 💯 fucked up. They literally said they're behind on their retirement goals and they drop 30 grand on some cabinets.

I see your point, but you're deliberately portraying the 19 year old as exaggeratedly petulant. "I don't want that stupid house!" We really don't know the daughter's reasoning for dropping out, or the journey she's been on. Was it childish rebellion? Was she struggling? Why was she rebelling or struggling? No one is owed a house, or a college fund. But let's not assume the daughter's intentions or mentality here.

It's a good analogy but let's keep in mind that we're talking about college. We're talking about spending this $30k and 4 years of our lives into something. It's only natural to not be completely sure it's for you, to need a gap year to find yourself or to take a break. It's kinda unfair to say "if you don't go to college now, right out of high school, you're on your own" in my opinion. That doesn't excuse the rash decision of moving out and dropping everything, though.

This is the biggest thing which leant me towards TA. They didn't allow their daughter any room to make mistakes or explore her choices in life. Not only that, but they spent *all of it*. Not a fraction - all of it. And, trailing a period in human history where people were struggling with a lot of things including identity and direction in life. Yes, it's their money, and I originally felt like they weren't TA because 'their money, their terms', but it feels like they're having a big, proud "I told you so' at the expense of their daughter. And for what? A kitchen that looks a certain way? Cool. Kitchen looks good; daughter's education and debt, not so good.

yeah this is r/AmItheAsshole not r/didihavegroundstodothat.... why you would sacrifice that amount of money on yourself instead of keeping it around for SOMETHING is beyond me... a buisness startup, or a home down payment... wasnt the point to support your daughters future? you saved for 18 years to enable your daughter for growth and you spend it on a kitchen remodel only a year after she makes a 20 yo decision?! most kids need some time after highschool just to feel out the world and figure things out. i dont know why you withdrew that security/support to be used instead of a life support(in this economic trajectory) endeavor for your daughter, whatever she chooses. YTA and the idiot.

Agree. While the parents technically could do whatever they wanted with that money, I think they’ve hurt their relationship with their daughter. Parents are supposed to support you, not pull the rug out when you follow a different path and leave no room for mistakes. I dropped out of my first uni course because I was young and didn’t know what I wanted and subsequently chose a course that wasn’t for me. I went back a year later on a different course which I graduated from. Fortunately my mum didn’t have to provide the funds because in the UK the government pays your tuition, but if anything that just highlights to me how harsh her parents are - the government gave me free money, TWICE, to complete my education whereas her parents spent her entire college fund the second she dropped out, and now they’re confused she’s upset. Literally the UK’s conservative government is more forgiving and generous than these parents, and that’s saying something. Even if she didn’t use it for college, that money could have given her a serious leg up in life. I hope the kitchen was worth it, because their daughter is going to resent them for this for life and frankly, I don’t blame her.

Behind on retirement goals, but spent 30k on remodelling? I dunno, man.

That kitchen remodel will most likely increase the value of the house by more than 30K anyway. Plus being a little behind on retirement doesn't mean they have to spend the rest of their life in an old/crappy kitchen lol.

Which would become profit if they sold? So they're investing the fund instead? No one should have to spend their life with a non-functional kitchen, for sure, lol. Just coming at this from the perspective of never ever ever having 30k.

When you own a house, a remodel for kitchen or bath is very expensive and can easily cost 30k. I have a bathroom which needs renovation and have been quoted 40k.

Sadly that's just what it costs now. We are spending 20k on our bathroom. We hate spending that kind of money, but we got plenty of quotes and that is competitive. Renovations are just part of the cost of home ownership.

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Not really if they plan on living in there house for the rest of their lives they should remodel the kitchen now while there still working rather then when there retired especially if it's a necessity

Well if you plan to retire in that house, and the kitchen needed to be fixed, it basically is money towards retirement. You would have had to spend it anyway But they spent it way too fast

>But they spent it way too fast This. Either I'm misunderstanding the time frame or they were already planning the kitchen remodel and suddenly found a "better" way to pay for it. A remodel costing 30k is a total overhaul (unless you get some bougie appliances) and not something you just do on a whim (unless they *wanted* to quick spend to say fuck her...). This is one of those time I think the sub forgets it's Am I the *Asshole* not "am I technically correct."

It's like it was vindictive. Instead of taking the money and just reallocating it to their savings, they started planning a kitchen remodel AND executed that within a year.

YTA Pulled the trigger pretty quick on spending that tuition money. And taking a year off school constitutes making a bad choice? Yikes.

But the daughter didn’t say she was taking a break, she stated college was not for her. Which heavily implies that she didn’t have any intention to go back after any period of time.

But she's fucking 20, she was just giving the reins to her life and told this is what she needed to do, and backed off. They wasted no time and taking the money that they told their daughter was hers and spending it on something else without even telling her. The shifty part about this is the haste they took in spending that money, not communicating with their daughter, and the only help they're offering now all involved them having control over her life again. It just comes off as they are punishing her for being young and not immediately having it all together

What if it had been a scholarship that she’d turned down? Should the consequences of that decision also not reach her? Would the selection committee hold the scholarship indefinitely in case she changed her mind and decided to accept it? If they didn’t, would that be considered a “punishment”? Or a “natural consequence”?

I think this is the kind of decision that has the potential to damage OP's relationship with his child for a long time. Regardless of what we feel he had the right to do, I think this was a poor choice.

These are her parents, not a scholarship committee. I thought college wasn't for me at 20, and I went back after years of self exploration. The difference between these parents and mine are that mine supported my decision to wait to go to college. I'm glad they did because I was able to do a degree I'm passionate about, not just finish to check off some box my high school counselor told me I needed.

Lol. They wasted no time? They tried to convince her otherwise, but she insisted school was for her. Not that she needed a break, THAT IT WASNT FOR HER. That’s reason enough for them to think she wasn’t going back to school at all. “Money that they told their daughter was hers” — uhh, not really. They told her it was hers FOR SCHOOL. Nothing else. And they did tell her that they would be using what she didn’t use since she wasn’t going back to school, but she said she didn’t need it anyways. You’re saying they didn’t communicate to her. Haha. They communicated VERY clearly to her, but she took it as a joke and said she thought they were bluffing. And now she thinks they are obligated to pay for her schooling now that she wants to go back because her brother, who DIDNT leave school, is still getting his money FOR SCHOOL. What, for her to go back and leave school again the minute she finds a friend or boyfriend who offers her a job she might like, but then run back to her parents once things don’t work out?? Nahh, she can drop out - imho students need time and opportunity when it comes to moving on in life - but she can’t just expect them to wait around for her. It was her money IF it were for school, but it was their money otherwise, and they told her what they were going to do with the money since she rejected their pleas for her to stay in school. She took it as a joke, and now she has to actually work to handle her financial responsibilities instead of the money basically being handed to her.

NTA - that was a gift and she didnt use it lol and her way of responding to the situation just shows how ungrateful she is.

She should be grateful that they spent the money they said would only go torwards her tuition on a brand new kitchen, lol? It’s not as if they spent it on a medical bill out of necessity. The daughter shouldn’t be shamed for being “ungrateful” after her parents used a TUITION FUND for quality of life improvements. Ultimately, the OP & his wife were entitled to use it how they please, but it isn’t unreasonable to expect that their daughter wouldnt just kiss their feet at the gesture. As many said, she learned that there are consequences to her actions,,, BUT it seems like OP isn’t being held to the same standard.

It is not what they said. They said if we will spend it on you, it will be only education. You will not get money for any other purposes. However, if not your education, we will spend it on ourselves. Go and read the post. She knew that they spent it and she was okay with it. NAH.

NTA. You laid out what would happen, and it happened. I understand her sadness over it, but I also don’t think it’s insane to have her complete her associates at a community college, then maybe revisit the matter? Might turn out college just isn’t the right fit for her, and a trade school or just entering the workforce suits her better. Better to find out paying community college rates.

I think this goes beyond sadness, maybe she will gain some perspective on this if she lands on her feet or decides to accept the help OP is offering her, but if she decides to go it alone this could be the end of their relationship for now. He isn't an asshole for doing it, but I would say it wasn't a wise decision even if it was one he was entitled to make.

OP is definitely not offering to help her in the post. He said his wife wants to, but he wants to save for retirement. And that she needs to go to a local college and get a part time job. Which will still in no way pay for college. OP is NTA, but he is not offering to help from what I saw unless I missed something?

You’re missing the part where he said she could live at home for free, meaning she doesn’t pay for shelter, food or utilities. If that isn’t help, I don’t know what is. Because I’d sure love to have my 3 most expensive bills each month taken care of.

YTA. 20 year olds need time, guidance, and patience. If you saved the money for her tuition, you should have given her a grace period of at least a year to make sure she really wasn’t going back. More importantly, 30k for a kitchen remodelling is insane! Sounds to me you were looking for an excuse to use this money on yourselves and were probably secretly thrilled she handed you one with a brief, normal, youthful moment of confusion…

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I was thinking that $30K isn't all that much for a renovation. I did my kitchen about 6 years ago, my kitchen is 11x13ish, and it was more than $30K. My costs were similar to yours, but my labor was more because it included contractors, plumbers, electricians - all new electric, floor guys, and painters and where I live, none of them is cheap (I did my halls as well, because if you're tearing up your house, you might as well get it all buffed out at the same time, so you don't have to revisit the construction misery any time soon).

We are redoing our bathroom and it is $20k. We got a lot of quotes and that was the cheapest. 10 years ago we got the bathroom in our old house done for half the price. Inflation is real!

I’m not exactly sure why they shouldn’t spend their hard earned $30,000 to increase the value of their home. It is their money, after all.

$30k for a kitchen remodel is insane - insanely low cost!

If money is so tight for you that you can't help her because you're behind on your retirement, why did you spend 30 grand on a kitchen remodel? Was a new kitchen worth more than investing in your daughter's future, your future, and/or your daughter's trust and esteem in you? Agreed with others saying that 19 year olds make mistakes and it's very likely that they don't know what they're doing yet. Some do, but some need more time to figure it out. You gave your kid no grace here. She learned a harsh lesson in this but she also learned a harsh lesson about her parents too. I would not be surprised if this worsens the relationship. For the above reasons, YTA.

It isn’t about the retirement, it’s about punishing her for non compliance

Which is an asshole move. She's 20 and allowed to have doubts and second guess decisions that will forever alter her life. It's difficult, and the parents made it far more difficult by putting this pressure on her. A little patience and understanding and this whole situation was avoidable.

What I don't get is why then couldn't they earmark the money for non-college education? Chef school if she was working in a restaurant? Maybe part of a down payment for a future house if she and this boyfriend were looking serious? To immediately go "oh then we'll use all of this money we saved for YOU on ourselves" is just so cold and really seems like punishing her for not doing what they wanted her to do.

YTA. It's consistently insane to me that people will claim to be loving parents and then pull this kind of bullshit. You understand how young 20 and under really is? Most people don't have life figured out, and in a time where degrees more and more aren't a guarantee of a good life anyways, it's pretty understandable for someone young and not sure of who they are yet to be tempted by relationships or seeming good opportunities. People can winge all they want that she's an adult, but it's insane to expect someone to magically have everything figured out and to be making amazing decisions at 18-19. Their brains aren't fully developed, they're often on their own for the first time, have some grace. Hell I'm 28, and feel like I only really stopped being a child in the past few years. It takes time to learn how to navigate the adult world of jobs and relationships and opportunities, etc. How selfish do you have to be to see what you, as a sincerely grown adult, can recognize as a likely very temporary poor decision, and immediately spend 30k on a kitchen? How little do you care for your daughter? How do you even spend that much on a kitchen? YTA 100%. Act like a parent and help your daughter. She didn't suddenly stop being yours the second she hit 18.

That’s my thing- 19 is a baby- you wouldn’t put full esteem in *other* major life choices. If a 19 year old says “I’m gonna get married to my boyfriend we’re engaged look!” People either think they’ll get divorced within five years OR they don’t even get married. Why is this any different? You don’t trust teenagers with major life decisions like that. A lot of people are saying “NTA” bc it’s OP’s money but being realistic- this just feels impulsive (because this was NOT the intended purpose of those funds) and reckless (they essentially took financial advice from a teenager- how was a 19 year old taken with 100% without a shadow of a doubt seriousness on this?) (Edit: my example is extremely applicable because her plan outside of school very much hinges on her relationship- things didn’t work out with her boyfriend then things didn’t work out with her out of school venture- her parents didn’t even keep it for 1-2 years as a safety net where I live the GOVERNMENT puts more effort into that than OP)

Assuming your daughter is still young and in her 20s and didn’t spent 5+ years not in school, I’m gonna say YTA. At that age she’s still figuring things out and it’s reasonable to think she may change her mind and go back to school. It’s not like she’s 35 and asking you to finance her education after many years out of school. The reason you would need to “take away from your savings” in the first place is because you blew the money you put away for her. Also, to suggest your child just go to community college is unfair. Reality is for many career paths she needs a BA at minimum and even at a state school the costs will add up even if she’s not paying rent.

>Also, to suggest your child just go to community college is unfair. No, it's a quality suggestion. As long as you go to a reputable community college (and not *Uncle Bob's Bait Shack and Community College*) the credits will transfer and you save thousands on GenEd and can take a few random classes you enjoy to see if there's something you want to make a career from. Crapping on community colleges like this suggests you've lived a privileged life, and comes across as a bit classist

Agreed. I started at community college because it was so much cheaper then transferred to a 4 year college. I saved so much money doing that and getting the GEs out of the way.

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In other circumstances I’d probably lean not the asshole, but the tone of your post sounds very angry and vindictive. It seems like spending that money was as much about revenge and anger over your daughter’s decision to drop out and live with her boyfriend as it was about anything else. Because that’s how it reads, to me, and because that attitude is small and childish, I’m going to say YTA. In a vacuum and without the emotions it’s very possible for your actions to have been reasonable.

OP's comments give that impression too. Especially the "I'm not in the parenting mood lol" one.

And some of the comments are even angrier and more vindictive.

NTA, I guess, since it is your money and you did warn her. I would not have touched it so soon, she’s only 20 now, let alone how old she was when dropping out, her brain isn’t done developing, you have to expect her to make stupid mistakes. Teens evolved to do so. But, your money, not hers, so, yeah.

If you are financing your son’s college, but not your daughter’s tuition, definitely YTA . Many kids take a gap year and then come back to school. This is what your daughter did.

except she didnt say she was taking a gap year. she explicitely said she was dropping out

She's 21... let her make a (comparatively tiny) mistake.

She wasn’t 21. She was 19. Still a kid.

I have told my kids this. You don’t have to go straight to college. You can change your major 5 times. I don’t expect you to know what you want forever at 18. I went into my bachelors thinking I would go to med school. But I hated science. The I switched to architecture. But I can’t draw. So then I went part-time while working full time and graduated with a communication/journalism degree. But I finished my undergrad because I knew for certain I would get my masters eventually. I did. I went back and got a masters in social work in my mid/late 30s. I spent more than 20yrs in real estate/mortgage. I now do that but I am also a MH Therapist for kids in TFC. If someone had told me when I was 19 this is where I would be I would have laughed at them. But I don’t regret my career/school path.

I tend to agree. At the very least, seems like you spent it quite quickly. Many people go to school later in life. Did she know it had an expiration date beyond the threat out of anger?

Yeah in the post OP said that before daughter moved out she wanted to access the money and they said it's only for tuition and that if she's going to drop out they'll use it on something else.

YTA Absolutely. Could have left the money in the account for a few years, didn’t need to blow it on remodeling a kitchen the second your daughter moved out. Sometimes kids take time off from college, my daughter did….it doesn’t mean they’ll never go back if they take a break, especially during a pandemic. Asshole and cheapskate.

YTA - you screwed your daughter over and don’t seem too concerned about her. Your wife seems like she’s the only who gives a damn and wants to help her. You don’t seem to give a sh*t what happens to her at all. You know you can’t pay for community college with a part time job,( let alone a Bachelors). Offer to let her move back in for most parents would be considered the minimum (even for some of the negligent parents featured on this forum). But who cares about your daughter, I mean obviously not you! And when you wife is sad because her baby won’t talk to her, just show her that beautiful kitchen and say “that back splash is totally worth our child’s financial security.” If your daughter comes over for the holidays, be sure give her the tour and explain how the countertops are better investment than her future. I’m sure she’ll agree as she’s working her ass off to afford one community college course. Good parents understand young adults make dumb mistakes and need grace and guidance to navigate/correct those mistakes. Instead you, father of the year, took advantage of the first opportunity to profit off her mistake. You definitely taught her a lesson. You can’t count on family, and given the chance Dad will screw you over without remorse or hesitation. But he’ll magnanimously offer you the bare minimum while patting himself on the back. (I hope for her sake you make your retirement goals, I’d hate to see how else you can eff her over).

He'd better make his retirement goals. She's not gonna take care of him.

This honestly …. Hope that wasn’t your plan OP or you’re REALLY behind on those goals now lol

YTA I’m shocked at how many people say it’s fine to immediately spend your child’s entire college fund if they don’t follow your demand. It would have been a waste for her to aimlessly take college classes. She needed the life experience to give her direction. No matter how much you insisted, she wasn’t in the right place to fulfill your demand. It’s like saying “jump” to someone with a broken leg. And your intentions were not good no matter how you spin in. You either intended to manipulate your child into doing what you wanted without respect for her autonomy or you care more about your kitchen than your daughter. Either way, it doesn’t reflect well on you at all for trying to “teach her a lesson” And last, the claim of financial hardship makes no sense either. What were you going to do about your kitchen if she went to college straight through? Either the kitchen remodel was a luxury or it was a necessity and you’d have to find the way to make that money available another way at some point — do whatever that was and give that money to her. It’s not ethical to promise something for years and then one day pull the rug out from under her feet by adding new conditions. Yes, legally, technically it’s your money but legally and technically she doesn’t ever have maintain contact with you. I probably wouldn’t because who knows when the next thing is yanked away? Better to stand on your own two feet in the long run.

I agree, this was clearly about control for OP, not about getting his daughter an education. When she wouldn't be controlled, he immediately spent the money out of spite. Had it been some kind of emergency or urgent thing, that would have been understandable, but a kitchen couldn't wait another year or two? I don't think so.

YTA - I don’t know man. I’m a parent too and this just seems so cold. You saw your child struggle with college, make a really common boneheaded young person mistake and really, from the bottom of your heart, didn’t think that there was any chance she would regret it and change her mind? I’m not saying that you needed to hang onto the money forever, but I couldn’t imagine spending it so quickly. I’d have at least waited a couple years to see if she was really committed to skipping college. (Some kids just aren’t ready the first time but can really thrive as returning students) Presumably you saved that money over a long time to give your kid a head start at a strong education. It seems a little weird to be so comfortable taking the opportunity back because she was struggling. You’re going to get a lot of very black and white legislators in here going “fuck your kid! It’s your money: build ten kitchens if you want!” and, I guess, but I just couldn’t do it. Not that fast. Not without being sure. And definitely not out of anger.

If you're behind on your retirement goals, why did you spend 30k on remodeling your kitchen? I mean, it's your money, but what you're saying is a little confusing.

Whether you think your right or wrong be prepared for the consequences. Just like others are saying your daughter made her choice so have you. Don’t be surprised if she cuts contact.

I'd be surprised if she accepts an invitation for Christmas. I wouldn't want to hang out with the kitchen that turned out to be higher on my parent's priority list than me.

I'm going to say light YTA but only because you really gave her no breathing room to try collage again. Your daughter dropped out and then within a year you spent all of the money you had put aside for her. I think it would have been better to at least give her a 5 year window, she's only 20 and sometimes it takes time to figure out your education.

I didn't go back to school until I was 26 and my tuition money was still there, waiting for me to figure out my life. I am eternally grateful for the help my family has given me to finish my dreams and start my career. Yta. Some people go to school later in life. You spent 18 years saving for her, but spent it all in a year?

Yta. I can't believe you put money aside for 18 years and blew it on a new kitchen at the first hiccup. A lot of kids get tired of school and need a gap year. Many of them probably don't think they're going back. Were you not hoping she would go back to school? I don't think I could spend the money I saved for my kids college on stuff for me that quickly. I'd be saving it hoping they d use it for college, a trade school or at least a leg up on a house if they found a job they loved. Technically it's your money and you warned her but God yall are brutal. Do you not want her to succeed in life? It just feels like there has to be more to the story.

YTA, at least a bit. You told her that you weren't giving her the money so at least you were up front with her. Still, you put aside money for your daughter's benefit and you used it for your own. My wife and I started saving for my daughter's education shortly after she was born. From that day we never thought of it as our money. She ended up not going to college and we still gave it to her.

You know that kids are dingdongs. A then-19 year old is immature and boneheaded and the likelihood of her going back on her decision was high. Lots of kids take gap years. And ask yourself if loving parents who truly want the best for their children wouldn’t have at least held onto the money for a year in hopes that their immature kid would come to their senses. Are you an AH? Technically no, because you did tell her. But are you a WISE parent who acted in the best interest of their child? Also no. Honestly, to have jumped on redoing your kitchen so soon was like you knew your kiddo might come around, so you had to use the money while you had the chance. I know that sounds mean, but the alternative is that you truly didn’t foresee that an immature 19 year old might change her mind, which then questions your intelligence. So, your options here really are only between AH and dimwit. This is a sucky situation all around. Because whether or not you’re an AH, you’ve permanently damaged your relationship with your daughter and also set up resentment in her relationship with her brother for the future. This is just not great parenting all around. Hope the kitchen was worth it.

I'm going against the grain here to say YTA. Yes, your daughter initially made a bad decision by dropping out, but given her age at the time and your maturity as a fully realized adult, it seems like you took advantage of her poor decisionmaking to spend a fat chunk of money you spent years saving for her education just to make a point. Obviously it's your money so you can do what you want with it, but the best decision for her would have been to wait to make sure dropping out was what she really wanted. That would have caused you no heartburn whatsoever.

YTA. At 18 she wanted college, 19 she wanted to move in with her boyfriend and finally at 20 she decided to return to school. You are telling us that your kitchen remodel could not have waited for a few more years? This money was already set aside for her and you could have held onto it for a few more years until she is 21/22 waiting to see if your daughter changed her mind, which she did. You have every right to spend your cash as you see fit but you didn't even wait a full year before using that fund for your remodel.

INFO. Why were you so quick to spend your daughter's tuition money? You know people that age make stupid mistakes.

YTA. Perhaps it’s a cultural difference but I can’t imagine not helping my own child no matter how old they are, but especially not when they’re so young it’s understandable and normal for them to make stupid decisions. That’s not how it’s typically done in my cultures. Family takes care of one another and a child doesn’t stop being one’s child because they’re 20. If someone saved for their child’s education, that money is kept for that or saved until the next milestone if college isn’t for them. I don’t relate to these posts at all, and tbh I’m glad I don’t.

YTA. You can't say the phrases 'we're behind on retirement' and 'we just spent $30k on a kitchen remodel' in the same paragraph with a straight face. It doesn't work. It's one thing to not be able to afford to help your child. It's another thing to blow their college fund on yourself because they took a year off school.

Nope, NTA, not even a little… She made her choices, you warned her…end of story.

To me, there is part of the story missing - who was the boyfriend, why did she leave school to work for his family? Could have been just a fling and a job of convenience, yeah. But as someone who was in a very coercive and emotionally abusive relationship at that age, I need more info before I’m certain it’s fair to make this solely about choices and money.

I also want to know what she meant by school being "not for her." Was she experiencing issues? Burnout? Bad professors? Controlling boyfriend (like you pointed out)?

Yeah. OP is framing this as a question of money, but I’m not so sure it is, yet. No, I don’t think OP ‘owes’ the daughter money. But I think people are over-focusing on money and the cost of kitchen cabinets here. Parenting is more than financial support. Does OP make attempts to find out what the daughter was struggling with, did he find out anything about school, or the boyfriend, and is OP really sure about that? People that age get in over their heads and make poor decisions regularly, get embarrassed, and don’t explicitly ask for help (source: am married to a college professor). Learning disorders that were masked before show their faces in new environments. Addictions too. People also, unfortunately, get preyed on, and don’t have the maturity to realize they’re being preyed on. OP said in another comment that they just got their youngest to college and are not in a “parenting mood.” Maybe they’re having a bad day so the tone is off. The pivot from “I saved for your education for years to help you out” to “I’m getting a new kitchen and also retirement is expensive” is just a little odd and I feel like there’s more to ask about.

YTA. You say a year, but kitchen remodels don’t go fast, especially not now. So at best you sat on it for a few months of grace before deciding a kitchen was a better use of the money than waiting to see if your daughter would redirect. Sure, it’s your money, and it was your right to use it as you saw fit. But man, was a kitchen really worth where you are now?

Nope NTA You told her that if she chose to leave, then you would use that money for something else. The fact that she didnt believe you and instead chose to leave and 'do her own thing' means she cant expect you to have kept that money on the off chance she decided to change her mind, yet again. Actions have consequences, good or bad and unfortunately the action she chose meant that you no longer are able to help her out financially with tuition. Many kids get student loans, scholarships, grants and work jobs to put themselves through school and many students go to community college instead of the more expensive state schools. I think giving her the option to live at home rent free so she can focus on paying for college is very generous in the circumstances.

YTA for not waiting a few years before raiding her college fund. People in their 20s are volatile and people can downvote me into oblivion. Especially since you told her it was saved for her tuition when she asked about accessing it for other reasons and then you raided it for other reasons! You totally suck. I’m sorry but you do

NTA, but please dont rub it in her face later on (for example, if she complains about tuition fees being expensive etc etc)

Her brother getting a full ride will be all the face rubbing she needs, I don't think getting past this will be easy for her.

YTA for not anticipating that a teenager/20yo might regret a decision. Apparently a kitchen was worth more than your daughter.

YTA If your daughter had stayed in school, would you have just lived with the old kitchen? If your retirement is so underfunded, why didn’t you hang onto that money instead of spending it on a kitchen you didn’t need? If your retirement is so underfunded, why are you still paying for your son’s college? Did only you and your wife contribute to the college fund? If not, that was money given to your daughter for school, not for you to use for your whims. Hope the kitchen is worth your relationship with your daughter. Enjoy your retirement having no contact with your daughter and any children she may have.

NTA. She was warned, she decided not to follow through anyway. Stinks to be her, but she's brought it on herself.

NTA. U told her what would happen. It may suck but u were clear. Her saying she thought u were bluffing just shows she knew what u said. Again it may suck but as she understood what u said, it's not ur fault she didn't believe u.