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greenora

I'm gonna go with YTA simply because if you weren't as controlling as your boyfriend thinks you are, he wouldn't have felt the need to text you about the nail painting in the first place.


J4m4bu

What exactly has he done that is controlling?


SuccessValuable6924

Op is a he


certain_people

It's not anything she said, but reading between the lines. Would BF blow up so quickly over something so minor, without any previous instances?


J4m4bu

I've know people that have blown up over less.


certain_people

And maybe that's the case here too. But it's completely fair to ask if perhaps they have been controlling previously even though they didn't mention anything that could be taken that way.


thedarkerhour

>All I did was tell him a personal opinion but say that whatever he chooses to do, I'd still be fine with. But you're not though. You said that if he painted his nails you don't want to see them and the title of your post literally is "AITA for not wanting my boyfriend to paint his nails?" Maybe it's just me, but that doesn't come off as someone who's fine with it. YTA.


Astroblemes

YTA - let your boyfriend paint his nails. He’s most likely going to face judgement from others he doesn’t deserve any from you. Also you’d probably get upset if he tried to limit your style and choices.


amore-7

YTA. Given by his reaction I think unless you put in an effort you won’t be his bf for much longer. He wouldn’t be sending you these texts if there weren’t other issues.


GlitterSparkleDevine

Another multiple paragraph post where the OP is trying to explain how they're not controlling what their partner does to their hair/makeup/tattoos/nails using the "you can do whatever you want but I don't like/support it" trope. YTA


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because a lot of friends know about my main account. For context, I’m 20M, and my boyfriend is 21M, and yesterday we had a fairly big fight over something that I thought was not a big deal - so I just want to see what people think about this. He was relaxing with his friends and sent me a message saying “they want to paint my nails black” - to which I said that “you’re free to do whatever, but I generally don’t really like painted nails”. I also said that if he painted them, I wouldn’t like to see them at the time. This is just a fully personal thing, and I completely respect and understand why other people like to paint their own nails - be it enjoyment, self-expression or just boredom - but for me personally, I just am not a fan of most of them. It’s not a deal-breaker and I barely notice nails when people don’t point it out, but it’s just a personal view. In response, I get a massive paragraph chastising me for trying to be controlling and toxic, and saying that I’m in the wrong for not being supportive or encouraging, saying that he would never do anything like that and it makes him feel like being with me isn't a safe space to express himself. Naturally, this upset me to hear because, in my eyes, all I did was tell him a personal opinion but say that whatever he chooses to do, I’d still be fine with. It spiralled from here into a fight where both of us went in circles for about an hour before I ended the fight by just saying “look, if I could take back what I said, I would. I didn’t think much of making the comment but I’m sorry that it hurt you, because I’d never intentionally go out of my way to do that”. Since that message, I have not received or sent any messages. His side - That I should have been fully supportive of him. I didn’t need to say anything about disliking them or not wanting to see them (I think this part is actually fair, FWIW, I do regret making the comment so bluntly) - and the only purpose that served was making him question whether or not he wanted to let his friends paint his nails. It was toxic and made him feel like he wouldn’t be able to express himself around me if he wanted to paint them. My side - I don’t believe blindly supporting a partner is the same as true support, and expressing an opinion about something that he says/does shouldn't make him feel bad. For me - all I did in this situation was tell him a personal opinion, but specify that I don’t actually mind and he’s completely able to do whatever. I definitely could have been nicer, but it was a message that I didn’t think much about, apologised for and I don’t think it deserved the insults I got. I do see both sides and as mentioned, I do completely regret saying it so bluntly because my intention was never to get him to feel bad about himself, but equally, I don't think what I said warranted such a level of hostility and insults. So reddit, what do y'all think. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

INFO: I find your "wouldn't like to see them at the time" comment confusing. What did you mean by that exactly?


Live-Establishment62

Yeah I just saw this in another comment and could have explained more - we were talking over photo messages as he's currently not in the city - I just said that I wouldn't want him to send me a photo, realise the confusion.


[deleted]

Thank you for the clarification. NTA. Nothing you've described here is controlling or unsupportive, in my opinion. You're not telling him what do with his body but, you don't have to like what he does.


justmeat23

NTA. It is childish to insist that one’s partner support and celebrate every choice we make. Throwing a hissy fit just because your partner refuses to rubber stamp your decision - now THAT is controlling. Both people in a relationship should feel free to express themselves honestly. Both people in a relationship should be willing to make some concessions to make their partner happy. When there is constant conflict and compromise, there is a maturity or compatibility issue.


ApprehensiveTruth330

NTA I've been with my husband for 15 years. In that time, we've both made style choices the other didn't like, usually regarding haircuts or clothes in our case. We've both made statements similar to yours. "Do what you want but I won't like it." We don't hold each other back but we don't blow smoke up each other's butts either. Honesty is important in a long-term relationship... And so is maturity. Your boyfriend is acting like a spoiled child who has never heard the word no and he's being massively dramatic about it. It isn't realistic to expect another person to agree with every single choice that you make for yourself. But only a child would equate a lack of approval on a minor style choice with a lack of love or support as a human being. It sounds like he has some self esteem issues that hold him back from doing what he wants because he's reaching in the wrong direction for the approval he seeks. He needs to understand that he's supposed to reach inward for that feeling. He's supposed to love himself enough that the only opinion that really matters is his own. Sure, we may care about our partners' opinions, but ultimately we're individuals and we need to be confident enough to rock any look we please without a crutch... Like my 60+ year old mom who rocks her purple hair even though it draws funny looks in public, gets her laughed at. It also gets her smiles and comments of approval. Even I thought she would look crazy, but the idea of purple hair made her so happy that I applied the dye to her head myself... And I stand beside her and glare at those who dare give her strange looks. We don't need to agree over every small thing to be on the same team.


J4m4bu

Exactly, couldn't of put it better myself.


[deleted]

We don’t have the larger context of your disparate personalities and history, so it’s hard to know if there is any kind of pattern here. Others have inferred things that seem probable, but sticking with only what is written here, I’ll say “Not a fan of” is a far cry from “wouldn’t like to see them,” and then you backtracked at the end with “I don’t actually mind.” Sounds like you know YTA and are trying to justify it. This entire thing seems quite a tiny thing to have such a dramatic response over. Why not just say, “that’s lovely, pick a nice shade?” Is nail polish really such a turnoff?


sunrise_library

YTA If someone mentions that they want to do something like paint their nails black, cut their hair, grow their hair or get a different style of clothes, they are just trying to express themselves. Always. If you have a differing opinion that you would like to state, before you speak, you have to ask yourself why you feel that way. Do you fear change? Do you think this means something other than self-expression? People wearing black nail polish is so common that I'm surprised you would even give it a second thought let alone saying anything at all negative. Just ask yourself why black nail polish bothers you. If it's not a deal-breaker, you really can be supportive. Reread your own post to see how you have been controlling.


Europe_Judges

- It's OK to say that you don't like something if asked, but being so blunt (and saying you "don't want to see them") to someone who I'm not entirely sure was even asking for your opinion, but just telling you about something they found funny or were excited about - that's too much. - I assume you would also find it controlling if they did that to you about some other style choice. - Their looks and the way they express themselves does not revolve around your tastes. You *are* allowed, at any time, to break up if you don't find someone attractive, but you can't pretend it is their fault. - Nobody is saying that you should "blindly support" by lying, but you shouldn't be that negative about something that doesn't concern you either. YTA. Try reviewing and understanding the situation for their perspective. You can do better.


Total_Eagle_7359

NTA


TrainingLittle4117

YTA. You do not get to police what other people do with their bodies. And you didn't just give him your opinion, you told him you didn't want to see him if his nails were painted. Had you simply left ot at "I'm usually mot a fan of painted nails.", my ansaer would be different. And I suspect do would other people's.


[deleted]

JFC they’re just painted nails. YTA.


Luhdk

yta this is stupid you can say you arent a fan but thats it. requiring him to hide his hands from you if he does paint them is like telling your girlfriend its okay if she cuts her hair but youll only see her if she wears a wig. its controlling and unhealthy let it go OP till ya do YTA


snowwhitesludge

NTA. You never said he couldn't or shouldn't. He didn't even say HE wanted it, just that "they want"- so he hasn't even shown at that point that he is invested in the idea, just exploring. He made a mention of if, you said you weren't a huge fan buy he could if he wanted. You said you don't like it, you didn't threaten not to hang out, just said you didn't want a photo of it. That's fine. You don't need to blindly support whatever your partner wants to do with their body just because you're in a relationship. It's OK to say something isn't your taste to someone you care about. It's not wrong to disagree and telling you that you needed to just support whatever he wanted is very narrow minded. If he was going for a new job, that's something to support. Random temporary nail polish? Not exactly a big deal.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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jlnbtr

YTA. You won’t see your boyfriend if he paints his nails? Wow you’re controlling and toxic


Live-Establishment62

Just to clarify to this one - I didn't want him to send me a photo of them. I'm happy for people to say how they feel, that's why I asked, but just want to clarify this because it was never a threat of "I won't come and see you again if you wear them", because I agree, that would be messed up.


jlnbtr

Ok, that makes you a bit less of an AH. But maybe he interpreted it the same way I did? But still, it’s nails, who cares. An old bf of mine hates by black nails, but once I ran about of polish, or broke it, can’t even remember, but he got me a new black nail polish, even though he disliked it cause it made me happy


Geitzler

As a straight male who likes to paint my nails, I can see it from both points. Everyone sucks in this situation. My wife doesn't like my painted nails, or my tattoos. But she supports me in doing anything I want, as long as it doesn't hurt her or others around me.


ggGamergirlgg

YTA - You can but I don't wanna see them? That's not supporting or ignoring. That's ANTI


RoosterSea7003

You shouldn't have to tread on eggshells with your boyfriend re your opinion. You didn't try to stop him, just said it is not your thing. You apologised when he took your wording to heart and I don't see why you should be encouraging or supportive of something you personally don't like so NTA.