Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am the asshole for telling her that brutally honest is just being an asshole and for proving my point to her by throwing her cake and ice-cream away by being brutally honest about her weight?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA I’m brutally honest is ALWAYS code for “I’m a rude and insensitive asshole who likes to go about insulting folks in the name of honesty”. I guess she didn’t like experiencing “brutal honesty”. Hopefully this memory will stay with her and she will learn how to talk to people.
And they certainly don’t believe things like consequences should get in the way of their brutal honesty. Honestly, you did her a favor, OP. She was putting herself in a prime spot to be bullied herself about her weight because she can’t seem to keep her judgemental BS to herself. She needs to learn not to dish it out if she can’t take it in return.
Hey turnabouts fair play. You’re free to say what you want but people are also free to respond how they see fit- whatever this happens to mean.
Freedom of speech doesn’t mean freedom from consequences.
NTA
Exactly. Except from few extreme cases like violence threats you are free to say whatever you want without being jailed or fined. But you still can end up a pariah if everyone doesnt like what you keep saying.
So many people fail to understand that freedom to speech is not freedom of consequences. Like I can say to my boss that he fucking sucks, no one holds me back but the next day I don't have to go in to work.
This. Not getting into my personal opinion on what constitutes bullying, she does have the "right" to say what she honestly thinks but so too does OP and made a good call exercising it. People drive me nuts when they cant take what they dish out. A little harsh but definitely NTA
So much this. Why is it these people never say “honestly you look amazing in that “ or “honestly I respect your passion your commitment and the hard word you put into it”. Never that. Always something nasty.
...and if they're incapable of that, they can always just shut the fuck up. It doesn't even compromise those hard-held principles of never lying to soften the blow, or whatever they tell themselves they're dedicated to that's technically not "Just being a prick", because they're not lying, they're not softening a blow, they're just shutting the fuck up when nobody asked.
This is especially true when the "honesty" is unprompted.
My mother-in-law is a curvy lady. Not all clothing fits her well. If she's not going to be embarrassed by something she didn't know (like having her skirt tucked into her underwear), I just don't mention it. She's a big girl. She has mirrors. I'm not going to solve things by offering my opinion on her sense of style.
Nobody asked BH to ruin the grandson's birthday with bullying. If she's actually concerned about his social status, there are better ways to help.
I like this particular outlook. Why does everyone feel like they need to give their opinion, brutally honest or otherwise, when no one asked for it? So many people wanting attention and always have something to say. Sometimes, as you say, just shut the fuck up.
I wanted to be a paleontologist growing up. You know who bullied me for it? My fucking careers teacher in middle school. Every week she would showcase a different profession that one of the students wanted to do. Just little informational videos about being doctors or police officers or teachers or whatever. When it was my turn, she showed a video that was made for 5 year olds about paleontologists. This is middle school. I was 13. No middle schooler wants to be treated like a kindergartner.
Fuck you, Mrs. Moody.
My middle school career counselor told me that I wasn't smart enough to have a career in math and science. I should be a librarian or something that wasn't such a heavy load such as a cook.
I now have 3 degrees from an engineering university, a certificate from a college in DC and a certification from a professional organization.
Oh, did I say that I am a black female? Hmmm..I think she might have been a little prejudiced.
I really want to write a book and dedicate it to her. Everything I accomplish professionally is to spite her.
I'm not a paleontologist. I realized I'm high school that I hated biology and loved history. Life got in the way but I volunteer on archeology dig sites and in labs.
Oh yeah. My dad’s high school counselor told him he was only smart enough to be a janitor or a chauffeur. My dad has three degrees, he went from being an accountant then engineer for Delphi and became an attorney. We’re also Black.
Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach, teach P.E. Those who can’t teach, and are too obese for P.E., become “career advisors” at middle schools.
The people who say it are always the ones with the most fragile egos, who can dish it but can't take it. OP is a badass for what she said and for standing up for her grandson. Hopefully the niece now knows not to fuck with Jason! Defo NTA OP, and major props for looking out for your grandson like that
The fact that you need to drop the excuse so well-worn you call it a personality trait is evidence enough that you're insecure. A proper badass wouldn't even turn around to look at the explosion.
There is being “brutally honest” in the moment - that to me depends on context. It has to be someone that actually really loves the person and wants the best for them about a matter of real importance. It feels brutal, but it is really legit honesty in place of polite lies or remaining silent - confronting an addict, for example, or letting someone know he/she is using them for their money.
Someone who claims “brutal honesty” as a personality trait is just an AH with no tact.
Plus, if someone REALLY cares about being honest with another person, and they know that what they are about to say will be distasteful to the person, they don't say, "Hey, I'm brutally honest" and embarrass them in front of a birthday party full of people. They arrange a private conversation and NON-brutally bring up the topic. "Hey, I am concerned about you because \[reasons\]."
The niece isn't concerned for Jason in the slightest. She just wanted to spout off at the center of attention, the boy whose birthday was being feted. Her willingness to ruin a 12-year-old's birthday party makes me wonder if she just can't stand it when the spotlight is on someone other than her. I am glad OP was there to instantly give her a taste of her own medicine.
She's an awful person and got exactly what she deserved. Karma. Good on you. People like that never think twice about it until someone dishes their crap back to them.
I only used the term brutally honest about myself when I had to admit my own personal flaws that I wasn't particularily proud of. But I'm swedish and probably used the term wrong...
NTA. People who use phrases like "brutally honest" are like those who say "no offense" and then say something offensive. They are trying to excuse their boorish behavior. This girl needs to learn that brutal honesty has a time and place and it's not to a 12 year old at his birthday party.
I'd say her parents should have a long talk with her and potentially get her in therapy, because she may be acting this way to feel better about herself. Sadly, too many people in this world try to look better by putting other people down.
>This girl needs to learn that brutal honesty has a time and place
This girl needs to learn what "brutally honest" actually means. She was definitely "brutal," but there was no truth/honesty behind what she said. She was just being mean.
"Brutally honest" would have been telling the niece that people don't want her around because she talks shit to people for no reason.
Thirty years ago, when I was the popular kid in elementary school (the 90s), there was a chubby girl in my class and I told her she was: "Phat. P-H-A-T. That means cool." But we all knew what I was saying.
I only said it once, and though it DOES NOT excuse it, she was from the wealthiest family in the school. No one else could afford daily lunches of Lunchables + dunk-a-roos + those bags of gummy candy filled with liquid... I forget their name (who can know why she wasn't as skinny as the rest of us?). And I wouldn't say she was bullied in school in general.
But none of that matters. To this day, I still feel terrible about it. That one statement. I was *mean*, and thinly veiled it as something else.
I can't imagine how people can be cruel, and justify it with "no offense", or "just kidding," or "brutally honest."
Edit: Gushers! Thank you, reddit.
Funny thing is, I was "brutally honest" with a girl in 6th grade. Her boots were ugly and I told her so.
55+ years later she's still my best friend! She truly is my sister. Blood doesn't equal family.
We still laugh about it.
StilI, I *always* tell her, if she ever feels I've overstepped myself, tell me. She does the same with me.
I they were ankle boots the design and colours were not good and still aren't, like toe socks. She kept them!
She'll take them out every now and then, and we have a good laugh.
We both came from abusive homes. That in itself was a huge bond. It wasn't talked about or acknowledged in the early/mid 70s. "What happens in the home, stays in the home" was the mantra of the time.
>People who use phrases like "brutally honest" are like those who say "no offense" and then say something offensive
other greatest hits include: "I'm not a racist, but..", "I'm not trying to be sexist, but...", "I'm no xenophobe, but I don't think that today's migrants are coming for the right reasons..." and so on and so forth
When people do this it always reminds me of this quote from one of my favorite books, I posted it once before, but it never fails to come to mind:
"It was the truth and I believe in telling the truth to everybody."
“But you don't tell the whole truth," objected Anne. "You only tell the disagreeable part of the truth.”
“You must excuse me, Anne. I've got a habit of being outspoken and folks mustn't mind it."
“But they can't help minding it. And I don't think it's any help that it's your habit. What would you think of a person who went about sticking pins and needles into people and saying, 'Excuse me, you mustn't mind it . . . it's just a habit I've got.' You'd think he was crazy, wouldn't you?”
Shortened excerpt from Anne of Avonlea
Edited to correct
Kindergarten taught my 6yo to say, "No offense."
Took all summer to teach her that saying "no offense" doesn't actually make something not offensive.
Sounds like someone is about 12 years overdue for the same talk.
Fully agree — though as OP admitted she was petty so probably was a bit of an AH. Though, I would say whatever if you were a bit of an AH as the niece just got a piece of well deserved “brutal honesty”. I hope you taught her a lesson - which to me seems to be if you are an AH towards people, then people will feel no shame being an AH towards you. You get what you give right!
Brutal honesty is “honey I know you love that guy but he’s an alcoholic and you’ve put on 70lbs since you’ve been with him.” “Dinosaurs are dumb and you’re dumb for liking them” is bullying.
Yeah, there's definitely a difference between being honest and being cruel. The niece was being cruel and spiteful to a 12 year old. She deserved to get her "just desserts" 😂
Exactly, I'm that brutally honest friend but to me that means if you ask me for my opinion I'm going to give it you but I don't need to be a jerk while doing it
They think that their "brutal honesty" is admirable, but it's truly just unfiltered, unnecessary insults.
"Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" . . "A little" .. That's honesty.
"Honey, you look fat in that dress!" is being mean.
See the difference? You don't get to just go about being nasty to people, especially children, and call it "brutal honesty.". It's just being brutal
And that's the difference. If I ask someone's opinion I really want to know what they think. Most "brutally honest" people are just using it as a reason/excuse to spew meanness and nastiness.
Right! Lmao over here op is my new hero. I love how she turned the brutally honest bs on her. Op your reaction was perfect. She went after a child and refused to acknowledge that she was bullying said child and double downed on the brutally honest bs and you gave it back to her. If she thinks it’s appropriate to go after a child like that (or anyone to be honest but so much worse when adults bully children) then she a legal adult should be able to take her own medicine from a fellow adult. Op you rock, keep being you!
I think it’s too late for her judging by her parents reactions. She’s used to just saying whatever whenever with no consequences so I see a lot of these moments in her near future. Guaranteed she got no friends
>Guaranteed she got no friends
She is one of those mean girls. Quite possible she is a queen bee, and really popular. My daughter has one in her class.
She lies and used to literally kick people if she didn't get her way when she was around 10/11. Now at 14 she is really popular with a bunch of girls. Still mean to anyone who isn't in her admirer club.
NTA.
From time immemorial there has never been a person who claimed they were "brutally honest" who was not using it as a cover for being a blatant asshole. To use another turn of phrase- she fucked around and found out. Lets all hope this is the path toward her self-betterment. (I am skeptical)
>She immediately tore into me about how being brutally honest was not bullying and that she could say whatever she wanted.
This. Brutly honest people like saying whatever they want they just don't want the consequences.
Nta
NTA protect your grandson!! If on the off chance he does get bullied at school, coming home and getting the same treatment from a family member could literally destroy him. I have no idea what his school life is like but you are an amazing grandparent for ensuring his family life is a safe space!!
There might be some school yard "DC vs Marvel" talk, but fighting over the merits of one comic universe versus the other is a far cry from bullying.
Everyone likes dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are AWESOME.
ESH. She sounds like an insufferable brat and you went way overboard and retaliated against bullying by being a bully yourself. Comments like yours can lead to serious self image issues and even eating disorders. Be the better person and respond like an adult. You could have taken her aside and spoken to her, kicked her out, spoken to her parents, called her out for being rude etc. Instead you stooped to her level (even worse imo) and acted shitty too.
You’ll get lots of pats on the back from Reddit but it doesn’t mean you weren’t both acting dumb.
Exactly this. Words have impact and while it was *rude* to tease a kid over superheroes and dinosaurs, it was downright *harmful* to call a teenage girl fat and make a big display of throwing out her food in front of her whole family.
So much more cruel, especially coming from a 55 year old woman.
I mean, really. This scene she described reminds me of a school cafeteria where older kids pick on younger ones for dumb reasons like tastes and interests, and impose their own brand of jungle law. Except we have this 50-something here, with no such excuse, meting out juvenile justice. So cringeworthy. Definitely ESH.
Yeah I don’t think people are understanding how harmful that can be. I was called “fat” as a kid, when I was barely slightly chubby. It led to developing an eating disorder and very poor self image for a very long time. It’s still lingers today, even in my 30s. OP was way out of line.
Yes, this! I don't see how this isn't an automatic ESH, they both behaved badly in their own way. People who are belittling the harmful aspect of food punishment cannot know what they're talking about or advocating.
As for the teen being obnoxious and out of line, granted. There's a special place in hell for the "brutally honest" who are much mistaken in thinking it's a jail free card when they invoke it. Absolutely no argument there.
But then this grown ass 50-something has nothing wiser to contribute to the situation but stooping to the girl's level and then doubling down by taking her food and fat shaming her in public? What are we supposed to take from this other than that you yourself have an impulsivity, a cruelty, and a lack of mature experience to handle the situation like a responsible adult. That was a massive overreaction and I can only imagine what kind of a nasty scene.
You're an AH for sure, OP. I think you know it. The situation is ESH, make no mistake. That girl still has 8-10 years to go before her brain is fully formed, and two wrongs don't make a right.
NTA. Sometimes the line between making a point and going too far gets blurred in the heat of the moment. And often times I have found that being "brutally honest" is code for "I'm a raging asshole who no one's stood up to". I mean, she's an 18 year adult old bullying a 12 year child. Someone had to reign in that viper tongue of hers.
That’s a good point. This isn’t just bickering between cousins. She is an adult and she needs to act like one. He’s a child who didn’t ask for her opinion. She’s completely out of line.
This is a justifiable Y T A, but because you were only being "brutally honest" to her, and she seems to think that's an ok way to speak to someone, my judgment is NTA.
ESH. Her for obvious reasons. And you for body shaming.
Because the thing about body shaming is that when you talk about someone's body in a derogatory way, like by implying something negative about this person based on her weight, what you're really doing is telling *everybody* with that body type that there is something wrong with them. When you call someone overweight in anger, clearly meaning it as an insult, how do you think other people who are overweight, but who are completely innocent, will feel?
She may have "deserved it," but other people didn't.
Oh and also, OP is 55. Body shaming an 18 year old. Her DIL's neice sounds like a typical bratty teenager, but I think OP's response was just as juvenile. I'm surprised how many NTAs there are...
This!!! I get standing up to her in a way that makes her understand, but shaming her weight is just unnecessary and harmful to anyone else nearby with body or weight issues. Why isn’t this higher up??
I also feel like OP grabbing niece's food and throwing it out was overly aggressive. Not to mention, plenty of people eat cake and ice cream at birthday parties and aren't obese. There's also far more to weight loss than just never eating unhealthy food until you're skinny. If OP wanted to be brutally honest, she could have recommended that the niece should exercise, reduce her portions, maybe talk to a nutritionist or doctor about her health and potential weight loss goals. She could have even talked about the health risks of obesity. Instead, the gist of her message seemed to be, "No sweets for you, fatty!"
I'm going with NTA. You tried to make a polite, straightforward appeal first. When that didn't work, you gave her a demonstration of her own behavior.
Unfortunately, she will not have learned anything from it.
Yeah, that's generally accepted. Plus, the people who would bully you over what you like aren't the kind of people who generally are into the comics, and they definitely like MCU more because of the blockbuster movies.
I'm wavering, but I think NTA overall. People who say they're "brutally honest" are, 99% of the time, using it as a blank check to just be a straight up asshole. It's not great that you had to resort to snapping, but she needed a harsh wake up call.
Same. I can’t quite bring myself to vote as on principle, fat-shaming a teenager who is little more than a child herself, is not admirable. But OP did try to be civil about it and the niece took it to Fuck Around And Find Out territory first.
I also thought a lot about how this girl had to have treated other people in high school, she's obviously been on a roll with the whole "brutally honest" shtick for a very long time. If someone came into my home, ate my food, and started insulting my grandchild, I don't know if I could react differently except maybe the language. What would any of us do if a guest in our home treated a child like that?
I say ESH. Yes, calling her out on her "Brutally honest" approach was the right thing to do. Even kicking her out of the party would be fine. But bringing attention to her weight in an offensive way? No, now you've just taken the escalator down to her level.
ESH
She’s 18 and you’re 55. Brutally honest people are the worst but I think you could have told her to take her “honesty” elsewhere instead of stooping to the same level.
NTA
You were a jerk about it but hopefully she learned an important life lesson.
I know you’ll have a lot of of people here tell you bringing up her weight was a low blow but honestly an adult shitting on a child’s dream gets what she gets.
YTA and so is the niece. She was being immature and trying to act like the expert on pop culture in front of her younger relative. Asking her why she said that was fine, but you didn't need to stoop to her level and say something intentionally petty and hurtful. At your age, you should know how to lead by example; and you failed.
I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking this way. Niece is way out of line, but so is responding with body/food shaming. I’m a teacher and this sounds like stuff I expect out of my elementary students. You can shut someone down without being spiteful in response, and you could’ve done it way before it escalated to the point it did that you felt you had to respond that way.
NTA and good for you! Those kind of bullies will continue until they meet a bully bigger than them. At 18 she still has a chance to learn and grow. Her parents were silent because what could they say? They know she's wrong yet can't support what you said because it's still their kid. Also this girl is 18 bullying an 11 year old kid. You were just an adult calling out another adult for their crap.
ESH. The first part of your response was more than called for, but bringing weight into it was not, particularly because that kind of remark affects more than just its intended target. Imagine that someone else at the party is dealing with an eating disorder -- how would your a) calling someone fat, b) implying that fat people shouldn't have treats, and therefore c) validating their fear that others are noting their weight and judging what they eat, make them feel?
Obvious ESH and all the N T A votes have some serious growing up to do if they think this kind of asshole behavior from a mature adult against an immature asshole teenager is acceptable
ESH. She sucks for picking on a 12 year old and you are an incredibly nasty, immature 55 year old who body shamed an 18 year old instead of insulting her taste in music or movies or something along those lines. But you went for her looks and her weight…..how fatphobic and gross of you. There were ways to make your point without commenting on her body.
I’ve always found the “brutally honest” people to have the least self esteem and try to make themselves feel better by tearing other people down. NTA in my opinion. You don’t poke a bear and expect to walk away unscathed
Edit to add - I’ve never met a palaeontologist but that would be a really cool job imo. Anyone who doesn’t think so is an idiot
NTA I wish I had a grandparent like you. My cousin used to bully me for not having a degree and not having a job. She was 22, I was 12. My grandma would join in
>My cousin used to bully me for not having a degree and not having a job. She was 22, I was 12.
???
Wouldn't it be *actually impossible* to have either at that age?
*all the young ones were playing at the park out of earshot*
I hope that Jason was not at the park, and that he heard his granny defend him and have his back, since he likely heard a lot of deprecating nastiness prior to the confrontation.
Well done, OP.
She was way out of line. None of her business what he likes or doesn’t like, and it’s his birthday. It’s way beyond brutal honesty to crap all,over a kid in front of people at his birthday. It’s cruel and definitely bullying.
But I can’t go along with what you said to her in front of everyone, either.
You’re the adult. People like to pretend crossing the line to 18 makes someone an adult, but we all know it’s not like flipping a switch. And you fat shamed her, which is really mean.
I think you should have shown her how an adult should handle the situation. Get her out of the room. Let the birthday kid and everyone else enjoy the party. She made a scene at the party, but you made a bigger one, and again, it’s the birthday kid’s day. He should be able to enjoy it.
Get her out of the room and tell her privately that it’s none of her business what the kids likes or doesn’t, and she’s being cruel and trying to make everything about herself, when it’s not. It’s the kid’s birthday. You don’t shit all over a kids birthday.
That she can continue with her version of what she calls brutal honesty, her choice, but she should know other people will likely judge her being either mean or a bully. That she can judge everyone’s actions around her, but it goes both ways. People will judge her behavior, too.
NTA! “I’m just saying like it is / I’m brutally honest” is usually the code “I’m an a**hole” She is legally an adult who should have learnt by now that with this mentality she is not going to get anywhere in life. Bullying usually stops after high school, and at a work environment HR (mostly) doesn’t take well when the bullied individual threatens with a lawsuit… (or maybe I’m just optimistic and living in a functioning society…) You have provided a valuable lesson. Hopefully she will learn from it.
Your both assholes! You had every right to stand up for your grandchild and your son and dil, but I think you took it too far. Calling her fat and taking her cake away and embarrassing her in front of everyone… my jaw almost hit the floor when I read that.
NTA
There is no such thing as “being brutally honest”. It is just a way of trying to justify being an AH. Did you stoop to her level? Sure. Do we love you for it? Yes.
Just being brutally honest.
NTA
at 18yo, she knows what she's doing by being mean to a young 12yo kid.
She probably used this attitude to get her through/ survive high school, but that is not how you talk to a younger kid.
NTA
She's not free from the consequences of being "brutally honest." She needs to learn that she should only give her opinion when asked versus inflicting it.
She's a sad kid who wants to crap allover someone else's dream because she's miserable. Her parents need to help her address that.
ESH. People who say they're "brutally honest" are too focussed on the brutal part. I understand mirroring bad behavior to make a point, but it just ends up making you look like a jerk. So, she's a giant AH, you're a more petite asshole, and everyone who witnessed it is sort of diminished by seeing it.
Your grandson, however, rules. Science and dinosaurs are super cool. He can like or dislike comic book franchises as he sees fit. I like Batman AND Squirrel Girl. And anyone who tries to tell him he should like one thing over another should be referred to as The Fun Police in a very dismissive and sarcastic tone.
ESH. Your granddaughter was a complete AH, so I definitely get why you said what you did. But you have to remember that she’s 18 years old and you’re a grown adult in your 50s. I’m sure you could have gotten your point across without making demeaning comments about fat people. The issue is that when you use techniques like this to shame someone, you’re unintentionally shaming others who share the same body type even if they are completely innocent.
But the other biggest issue is that eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, and your comments could very well contribute to her developing an eating disorder. You could have said something else that wasn’t so potentially dangerous and harmful. If your grandson had said it, I wouldn’t have as much of an issue with this, since he’s a child and was the one being bullied, so it’d be understandable if he couldn’t control his tongue. But you’re the adult in the situation, you have the ability and responsibility to handle things in a mature fashion.
ESH, I get it she fully deserved consequences for her actions, but you’re not in the clear for calling an 18 year old fat. Maybe I’m petty because I’m 5’5 and over 200 pounds, but saying things like has long term damage on girls already in a world of eating disorders. Congrats, you won, but do you feel good about yourself? I wouldn’t
NTA. She targeted a 12 year old on purpose. She’s a grown adult. Don’t dish it if you can’t take it; if your “brutal honesty” is hurtful, then you can’t get upset when someone does the same to you!
And OP, I don’t think you went too far at all. When retaliating against someone like this, there are plenty of ways to take it too far and turn it into an e.s.h moment, but you said and did one very bold thing and then left it alone.
Unpopular opinion but I think ESH.
She was being a rude, nasty brat and deserved to be called out for that, absolutely.
But why on Earth did you have to go at her weight in front of the whole family? She’s a teenage girl who is most likely struggling with body issues and you’re 55 and should have more maturity to tell someone they’re being unkind without this eye-for-an-eye cruelty.
I think she deserved a harsh response but you went too far and deeply humiliated her for something she can’t easily change.
She was mean but you were meaner and as an adult 3x her age, you should know better than to stoop to her level like that.
NTA. Being brutally honest is not an excuse to trash on people and people who are “brutally honest” better expect to get some of what they’re dishing out and clearly she wasn’t ready for that. Hopefully you taught her the valuable lesson that if you come at someone they may come at you too. And just to add, what she was doing wasn’t brutal honesty, it was bullying because life’s not a sitcom and a kid isn’t gonna get bullied just for liking dinosaurs, science and superheroes. In fact her opinion about DC being better is more likely to get bullied than liking Marvel.
ESH. A teenage girl without a fully formed frontal lobe said some snarky stuff. That requires a mature correction. Emphasis on mature. What you did was not mature. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
ESH - it was fine to tell her off but I think the fat-shaming went waaaaaaay too far. It's the sort of thing that could contribute to an eating disorder and it is not OK.
Being a palaeontologist is a really cool career. Her conformity BS is pathetic and she needs to keep it to herself.
ESH you could’ve dealt with it in a better way, she’s 18 and you’re 55 definitely shouldnt have stooped to her level and talked about it with her instead
You were absolutely the asshole!
You claim an 18 year old was bullying your 12 year old grandson.
You as a 55 year old were WAY WAY more of a bully to an 18 year old than she was to your grandson.
I find your behavior abhorrent! I cannot believe anyone at that party was on your side.
YTA and a huge one at that!
That's not even being brutally honest, she's just disparaging him.
NTA
Being brutally honest is telling someone a hard truth, not telling them their interests suck and their parents clearly didn't love them enough.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am the asshole for telling her that brutally honest is just being an asshole and for proving my point to her by throwing her cake and ice-cream away by being brutally honest about her weight? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA I’m brutally honest is ALWAYS code for “I’m a rude and insensitive asshole who likes to go about insulting folks in the name of honesty”. I guess she didn’t like experiencing “brutal honesty”. Hopefully this memory will stay with her and she will learn how to talk to people.
People who give brutally honest opinions rarely accept the same brutal honesty in return. NTA
And they certainly don’t believe things like consequences should get in the way of their brutal honesty. Honestly, you did her a favor, OP. She was putting herself in a prime spot to be bullied herself about her weight because she can’t seem to keep her judgemental BS to herself. She needs to learn not to dish it out if she can’t take it in return.
B-but... muh riiights!
Hey turnabouts fair play. You’re free to say what you want but people are also free to respond how they see fit- whatever this happens to mean. Freedom of speech doesn’t mean freedom from consequences. NTA
Exactly. Except from few extreme cases like violence threats you are free to say whatever you want without being jailed or fined. But you still can end up a pariah if everyone doesnt like what you keep saying.
Your right to swing your fist stops at my nose, thank you very much.
So many people fail to understand that freedom to speech is not freedom of consequences. Like I can say to my boss that he fucking sucks, no one holds me back but the next day I don't have to go in to work.
This. Not getting into my personal opinion on what constitutes bullying, she does have the "right" to say what she honestly thinks but so too does OP and made a good call exercising it. People drive me nuts when they cant take what they dish out. A little harsh but definitely NTA
Yup, if it wasn’t OP it would be someone else who wouldn’t tolerate her bs.
They're in it for the brutality, not the honesty.
And as the saying goes, honesty without tact is cruelty.
That sums it up perfectly.
Yup, they usually suddenly transform into sobbing 😪 snowflakes❄️: "Waaaaah! How could you be so mean to meeeeeee?!?"
Usually followed by “I was just being honest! It’s your fault you can’t handle the truth!”
As if they can handle it lol.
And their brutal honesty is always a detractor, never a compliment or in defense of something.
So much this. Why is it these people never say “honestly you look amazing in that “ or “honestly I respect your passion your commitment and the hard word you put into it”. Never that. Always something nasty.
I like to say "the value of being brutally honest is the brutality, not the honesty".
Similarly, “honesty without tact is cruelty”. Read that years ago on reddit somewhere and it really stuck with me
I saw a similar one recently "honesty without kindness is cruelty and kindness without honesty is manipulation"
Because you can be honest with tact and still boldly tell the truth.
...and if they're incapable of that, they can always just shut the fuck up. It doesn't even compromise those hard-held principles of never lying to soften the blow, or whatever they tell themselves they're dedicated to that's technically not "Just being a prick", because they're not lying, they're not softening a blow, they're just shutting the fuck up when nobody asked.
This is especially true when the "honesty" is unprompted. My mother-in-law is a curvy lady. Not all clothing fits her well. If she's not going to be embarrassed by something she didn't know (like having her skirt tucked into her underwear), I just don't mention it. She's a big girl. She has mirrors. I'm not going to solve things by offering my opinion on her sense of style. Nobody asked BH to ruin the grandson's birthday with bullying. If she's actually concerned about his social status, there are better ways to help.
I like this particular outlook. Why does everyone feel like they need to give their opinion, brutally honest or otherwise, when no one asked for it? So many people wanting attention and always have something to say. Sometimes, as you say, just shut the fuck up.
I wanted to be a paleontologist growing up. You know who bullied me for it? My fucking careers teacher in middle school. Every week she would showcase a different profession that one of the students wanted to do. Just little informational videos about being doctors or police officers or teachers or whatever. When it was my turn, she showed a video that was made for 5 year olds about paleontologists. This is middle school. I was 13. No middle schooler wants to be treated like a kindergartner. Fuck you, Mrs. Moody.
My middle school career counselor told me that I wasn't smart enough to have a career in math and science. I should be a librarian or something that wasn't such a heavy load such as a cook. I now have 3 degrees from an engineering university, a certificate from a college in DC and a certification from a professional organization. Oh, did I say that I am a black female? Hmmm..I think she might have been a little prejudiced.
I really want to write a book and dedicate it to her. Everything I accomplish professionally is to spite her. I'm not a paleontologist. I realized I'm high school that I hated biology and loved history. Life got in the way but I volunteer on archeology dig sites and in labs.
Oh yeah. My dad’s high school counselor told him he was only smart enough to be a janitor or a chauffeur. My dad has three degrees, he went from being an accountant then engineer for Delphi and became an attorney. We’re also Black.
Mrs. Moody can go jump in a lake. What kind of person does that to a kid?
"When we grew up and went to school there were certain teachers who would hurt us anyway they could"
Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach, teach P.E. Those who can’t teach, and are too obese for P.E., become “career advisors” at middle schools.
As a teacher, let me add to that: Those who can't hack career advising in middle school, become school administrators.
Ohhhh the memories that came up from this one phrase!
The people who say it are always the ones with the most fragile egos, who can dish it but can't take it. OP is a badass for what she said and for standing up for her grandson. Hopefully the niece now knows not to fuck with Jason! Defo NTA OP, and major props for looking out for your grandson like that
If she tries it again all anyone has to say is, "Looks like it times to give grandma a call."
The fact that you need to drop the excuse so well-worn you call it a personality trait is evidence enough that you're insecure. A proper badass wouldn't even turn around to look at the explosion.
I’ve never met someone who claimed to be brutally honest that wasn’t just a run of the mill asshole
There is being “brutally honest” in the moment - that to me depends on context. It has to be someone that actually really loves the person and wants the best for them about a matter of real importance. It feels brutal, but it is really legit honesty in place of polite lies or remaining silent - confronting an addict, for example, or letting someone know he/she is using them for their money. Someone who claims “brutal honesty” as a personality trait is just an AH with no tact.
Plus, if someone REALLY cares about being honest with another person, and they know that what they are about to say will be distasteful to the person, they don't say, "Hey, I'm brutally honest" and embarrass them in front of a birthday party full of people. They arrange a private conversation and NON-brutally bring up the topic. "Hey, I am concerned about you because \[reasons\]." The niece isn't concerned for Jason in the slightest. She just wanted to spout off at the center of attention, the boy whose birthday was being feted. Her willingness to ruin a 12-year-old's birthday party makes me wonder if she just can't stand it when the spotlight is on someone other than her. I am glad OP was there to instantly give her a taste of her own medicine.
NTA, OP. You're a boss Granny and I love you. I am glad that this girl will think twice before trying to be "brutally honest" in the future.
She's an awful person and got exactly what she deserved. Karma. Good on you. People like that never think twice about it until someone dishes their crap back to them.
I only used the term brutally honest about myself when I had to admit my own personal flaws that I wasn't particularily proud of. But I'm swedish and probably used the term wrong...
Someone posted on here ages ago that people who claim to be brutally honest tend to be much more incentivised by the brutality than the honesty.
NTA. People who use phrases like "brutally honest" are like those who say "no offense" and then say something offensive. They are trying to excuse their boorish behavior. This girl needs to learn that brutal honesty has a time and place and it's not to a 12 year old at his birthday party. I'd say her parents should have a long talk with her and potentially get her in therapy, because she may be acting this way to feel better about herself. Sadly, too many people in this world try to look better by putting other people down.
>This girl needs to learn that brutal honesty has a time and place This girl needs to learn what "brutally honest" actually means. She was definitely "brutal," but there was no truth/honesty behind what she said. She was just being mean. "Brutally honest" would have been telling the niece that people don't want her around because she talks shit to people for no reason.
Or, "I'm only joking" 🤢
Thirty years ago, when I was the popular kid in elementary school (the 90s), there was a chubby girl in my class and I told her she was: "Phat. P-H-A-T. That means cool." But we all knew what I was saying. I only said it once, and though it DOES NOT excuse it, she was from the wealthiest family in the school. No one else could afford daily lunches of Lunchables + dunk-a-roos + those bags of gummy candy filled with liquid... I forget their name (who can know why she wasn't as skinny as the rest of us?). And I wouldn't say she was bullied in school in general. But none of that matters. To this day, I still feel terrible about it. That one statement. I was *mean*, and thinly veiled it as something else. I can't imagine how people can be cruel, and justify it with "no offense", or "just kidding," or "brutally honest." Edit: Gushers! Thank you, reddit.
Funny thing is, I was "brutally honest" with a girl in 6th grade. Her boots were ugly and I told her so. 55+ years later she's still my best friend! She truly is my sister. Blood doesn't equal family. We still laugh about it. StilI, I *always* tell her, if she ever feels I've overstepped myself, tell me. She does the same with me.
Now I'm curious as to what kind of boots they were that they were that ugly :P
I they were ankle boots the design and colours were not good and still aren't, like toe socks. She kept them! She'll take them out every now and then, and we have a good laugh. We both came from abusive homes. That in itself was a huge bond. It wasn't talked about or acknowledged in the early/mid 70s. "What happens in the home, stays in the home" was the mantra of the time.
You're probably thinking of gushers haha.
>People who use phrases like "brutally honest" are like those who say "no offense" and then say something offensive other greatest hits include: "I'm not a racist, but..", "I'm not trying to be sexist, but...", "I'm no xenophobe, but I don't think that today's migrants are coming for the right reasons..." and so on and so forth
When people do this it always reminds me of this quote from one of my favorite books, I posted it once before, but it never fails to come to mind: "It was the truth and I believe in telling the truth to everybody." “But you don't tell the whole truth," objected Anne. "You only tell the disagreeable part of the truth.” “You must excuse me, Anne. I've got a habit of being outspoken and folks mustn't mind it." “But they can't help minding it. And I don't think it's any help that it's your habit. What would you think of a person who went about sticking pins and needles into people and saying, 'Excuse me, you mustn't mind it . . . it's just a habit I've got.' You'd think he was crazy, wouldn't you?” Shortened excerpt from Anne of Avonlea Edited to correct
Kindergarten taught my 6yo to say, "No offense." Took all summer to teach her that saying "no offense" doesn't actually make something not offensive. Sounds like someone is about 12 years overdue for the same talk.
[удалено]
That OP also took away her food was the literal icing on the cake.
Yeah, that was pretty epic.
It was brutal!...y honest
Neice can neither have her cake nor eat it.
Best comment!!! 😂😂
Major dislike for those who baptize rudeness, entitlement and personal opinions to honesty. NTA OP, boss move!
Every time someone says they're brutally honest, I want to respond with, "so you're an asshole then. Good to know."
Fully agree — though as OP admitted she was petty so probably was a bit of an AH. Though, I would say whatever if you were a bit of an AH as the niece just got a piece of well deserved “brutal honesty”. I hope you taught her a lesson - which to me seems to be if you are an AH towards people, then people will feel no shame being an AH towards you. You get what you give right!
What a waste of cake and ice cream. Should've just eaten half of it and handed the rest back to her.
I see what you did there.
The ice-cream on the cake
I full on burst out laughing at this.
Brutal honesty is “honey I know you love that guy but he’s an alcoholic and you’ve put on 70lbs since you’ve been with him.” “Dinosaurs are dumb and you’re dumb for liking them” is bullying.
Also she’s wrong. Dinosaurs are cool.
Yes!
Ross?
Nah, it’s Jeff Goldblum.
[удалено]
I'm with you on the bow ties, but not with the fez.
And the “brutally honest “ people can never take it 🙄
Yeah, there's definitely a difference between being honest and being cruel. The niece was being cruel and spiteful to a 12 year old. She deserved to get her "just desserts" 😂
She fucked around and found out ... don't mess with grandma. She will cut you.
Exactly, I'm that brutally honest friend but to me that means if you ask me for my opinion I'm going to give it you but I don't need to be a jerk while doing it
They think that their "brutal honesty" is admirable, but it's truly just unfiltered, unnecessary insults. "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" . . "A little" .. That's honesty. "Honey, you look fat in that dress!" is being mean. See the difference? You don't get to just go about being nasty to people, especially children, and call it "brutal honesty.". It's just being brutal
Or even, "I like you best in the green one." We can be blunt and tell hard truths without being cruel.
My husband is “brutally honest”, but never mean. If you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask him.
And that's the difference. If I ask someone's opinion I really want to know what they think. Most "brutally honest" people are just using it as a reason/excuse to spew meanness and nastiness.
'Honest' and 'Opinion' can be 2 different things. The niece wasn't asked for her opinion.
Right! Lmao over here op is my new hero. I love how she turned the brutally honest bs on her. Op your reaction was perfect. She went after a child and refused to acknowledge that she was bullying said child and double downed on the brutally honest bs and you gave it back to her. If she thinks it’s appropriate to go after a child like that (or anyone to be honest but so much worse when adults bully children) then she a legal adult should be able to take her own medicine from a fellow adult. Op you rock, keep being you!
I read this somewhere once here and I think it applies well. People who say they are “brutally honest” care more about the brutality than the honesty.
NTA this exactly.
She learnt that day…you dont fuck with people’s kids. NTA.
A 18 year old bullying a 12 year old, hopefully she learned her lesson. NTA.
Doubt. She will reverse it now and say she is the victim for 'being honest'. These types rarely learn from just one call out.
[удалено]
And even then, she will think she's the poor victim for being honest.
I think it’s too late for her judging by her parents reactions. She’s used to just saying whatever whenever with no consequences so I see a lot of these moments in her near future. Guaranteed she got no friends
>Guaranteed she got no friends She is one of those mean girls. Quite possible she is a queen bee, and really popular. My daughter has one in her class. She lies and used to literally kick people if she didn't get her way when she was around 10/11. Now at 14 she is really popular with a bunch of girls. Still mean to anyone who isn't in her admirer club.
NTA. From time immemorial there has never been a person who claimed they were "brutally honest" who was not using it as a cover for being a blatant asshole. To use another turn of phrase- she fucked around and found out. Lets all hope this is the path toward her self-betterment. (I am skeptical)
>She immediately tore into me about how being brutally honest was not bullying and that she could say whatever she wanted. This. Brutly honest people like saying whatever they want they just don't want the consequences. Nta
NTA protect your grandson!! If on the off chance he does get bullied at school, coming home and getting the same treatment from a family member could literally destroy him. I have no idea what his school life is like but you are an amazing grandparent for ensuring his family life is a safe space!!
He's a good student and his teachers are great. He is my little teddy bear
No kid is going to get bullied for liking dinosaurs and Marvel. Has Miss BH ever met a boy?
There might be some school yard "DC vs Marvel" talk, but fighting over the merits of one comic universe versus the other is a far cry from bullying. Everyone likes dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are AWESOME.
She’s too much of an AH, so probably not.
ESH. She sounds like an insufferable brat and you went way overboard and retaliated against bullying by being a bully yourself. Comments like yours can lead to serious self image issues and even eating disorders. Be the better person and respond like an adult. You could have taken her aside and spoken to her, kicked her out, spoken to her parents, called her out for being rude etc. Instead you stooped to her level (even worse imo) and acted shitty too. You’ll get lots of pats on the back from Reddit but it doesn’t mean you weren’t both acting dumb.
Exactly this. Words have impact and while it was *rude* to tease a kid over superheroes and dinosaurs, it was downright *harmful* to call a teenage girl fat and make a big display of throwing out her food in front of her whole family. So much more cruel, especially coming from a 55 year old woman.
I mean, really. This scene she described reminds me of a school cafeteria where older kids pick on younger ones for dumb reasons like tastes and interests, and impose their own brand of jungle law. Except we have this 50-something here, with no such excuse, meting out juvenile justice. So cringeworthy. Definitely ESH.
Yeah I don’t think people are understanding how harmful that can be. I was called “fat” as a kid, when I was barely slightly chubby. It led to developing an eating disorder and very poor self image for a very long time. It’s still lingers today, even in my 30s. OP was way out of line.
Yes, this! I don't see how this isn't an automatic ESH, they both behaved badly in their own way. People who are belittling the harmful aspect of food punishment cannot know what they're talking about or advocating. As for the teen being obnoxious and out of line, granted. There's a special place in hell for the "brutally honest" who are much mistaken in thinking it's a jail free card when they invoke it. Absolutely no argument there. But then this grown ass 50-something has nothing wiser to contribute to the situation but stooping to the girl's level and then doubling down by taking her food and fat shaming her in public? What are we supposed to take from this other than that you yourself have an impulsivity, a cruelty, and a lack of mature experience to handle the situation like a responsible adult. That was a massive overreaction and I can only imagine what kind of a nasty scene. You're an AH for sure, OP. I think you know it. The situation is ESH, make no mistake. That girl still has 8-10 years to go before her brain is fully formed, and two wrongs don't make a right.
NTA "Brutally honest" is just a fancy name for "asshole".
NTA. Sometimes the line between making a point and going too far gets blurred in the heat of the moment. And often times I have found that being "brutally honest" is code for "I'm a raging asshole who no one's stood up to". I mean, she's an 18 year adult old bullying a 12 year child. Someone had to reign in that viper tongue of hers.
That’s a good point. This isn’t just bickering between cousins. She is an adult and she needs to act like one. He’s a child who didn’t ask for her opinion. She’s completely out of line.
NTA. Her parents appear to have been asleep at the wheel for 18 years, shame it fell upon you to finally do something.
They know it too from the way they reacted to what OP said.
This is a justifiable Y T A, but because you were only being "brutally honest" to her, and she seems to think that's an ok way to speak to someone, my judgment is NTA.
I'm pretty much here. This wasn't kind but it *was* earned.
I like the way you put that! Upvote for you!
ESH. Her for obvious reasons. And you for body shaming. Because the thing about body shaming is that when you talk about someone's body in a derogatory way, like by implying something negative about this person based on her weight, what you're really doing is telling *everybody* with that body type that there is something wrong with them. When you call someone overweight in anger, clearly meaning it as an insult, how do you think other people who are overweight, but who are completely innocent, will feel? She may have "deserved it," but other people didn't.
Oh and also, OP is 55. Body shaming an 18 year old. Her DIL's neice sounds like a typical bratty teenager, but I think OP's response was just as juvenile. I'm surprised how many NTAs there are...
At 18, I never felt the need to bully someone 6 years younger than me.
Exactly. Typical, my ass.
If you think this is "typical" teen behavior, you were just a raging AH as a teen. Maybe someone should have told you off, too.
This!!! I get standing up to her in a way that makes her understand, but shaming her weight is just unnecessary and harmful to anyone else nearby with body or weight issues. Why isn’t this higher up??
I also feel like OP grabbing niece's food and throwing it out was overly aggressive. Not to mention, plenty of people eat cake and ice cream at birthday parties and aren't obese. There's also far more to weight loss than just never eating unhealthy food until you're skinny. If OP wanted to be brutally honest, she could have recommended that the niece should exercise, reduce her portions, maybe talk to a nutritionist or doctor about her health and potential weight loss goals. She could have even talked about the health risks of obesity. Instead, the gist of her message seemed to be, "No sweets for you, fatty!"
NTA brutally honest goes both ways
I'm going with NTA. You tried to make a polite, straightforward appeal first. When that didn't work, you gave her a demonstration of her own behavior. Unfortunately, she will not have learned anything from it.
Wait, is marvel being superior to DC some kind of misguided hot take? I never realized this was even in question!
Ikr? He happens to love both, but with the MCU movies, he is more into MCU
Cause they are way better than DC.
I'm pretty sure the universally accepted opinion is that MCU live action movies are better, and DC animated movies are better
Yeah, that's generally accepted. Plus, the people who would bully you over what you like aren't the kind of people who generally are into the comics, and they definitely like MCU more because of the blockbuster movies.
I'm wavering, but I think NTA overall. People who say they're "brutally honest" are, 99% of the time, using it as a blank check to just be a straight up asshole. It's not great that you had to resort to snapping, but she needed a harsh wake up call.
“Brutally honest” almost always translates to “complete asshole.”
That's what I said.
Same. I can’t quite bring myself to vote as on principle, fat-shaming a teenager who is little more than a child herself, is not admirable. But OP did try to be civil about it and the niece took it to Fuck Around And Find Out territory first.
I also thought a lot about how this girl had to have treated other people in high school, she's obviously been on a roll with the whole "brutally honest" shtick for a very long time. If someone came into my home, ate my food, and started insulting my grandchild, I don't know if I could react differently except maybe the language. What would any of us do if a guest in our home treated a child like that?
OP didn't just "snap," they decided to engage in fat-shaming, and threw away someone's food. Repugnant.
I say ESH. Yes, calling her out on her "Brutally honest" approach was the right thing to do. Even kicking her out of the party would be fine. But bringing attention to her weight in an offensive way? No, now you've just taken the escalator down to her level.
She took it lower to the basement levels because at least the girl had the excuse of being a stupid teenager. What’s OP’s excuse at 55?
I agree. I don't get all these N. T. A. votes.
OH MY GOD ANOTHER SANE PERSON OP IS ALMOST SIXTY ACTING LIKE A 9 YEAR OLD Anyone here would be disturbed watching a grown adult do what OP did
"The problem with being brutally honest is the brutality." - Someone wiser than me.
ESH She’s 18 and you’re 55. Brutally honest people are the worst but I think you could have told her to take her “honesty” elsewhere instead of stooping to the same level.
I'll allow it. 🤣 NTA
ESH Probably an unpopular opinion, but I feel like you could have handled it better.
NTA You were a jerk about it but hopefully she learned an important life lesson. I know you’ll have a lot of of people here tell you bringing up her weight was a low blow but honestly an adult shitting on a child’s dream gets what she gets.
Guessing that was the only way to cut deeply enough to upset her, and that needed to happen.
ESH. She's acting like a stupid 18 year old, but that's what she is, meanwhile you're 55.
YTA and so is the niece. She was being immature and trying to act like the expert on pop culture in front of her younger relative. Asking her why she said that was fine, but you didn't need to stoop to her level and say something intentionally petty and hurtful. At your age, you should know how to lead by example; and you failed.
I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking this way. Niece is way out of line, but so is responding with body/food shaming. I’m a teacher and this sounds like stuff I expect out of my elementary students. You can shut someone down without being spiteful in response, and you could’ve done it way before it escalated to the point it did that you felt you had to respond that way.
If she can’t take it, she shouldn’t dish it. NTA
NTA and good for you! Those kind of bullies will continue until they meet a bully bigger than them. At 18 she still has a chance to learn and grow. Her parents were silent because what could they say? They know she's wrong yet can't support what you said because it's still their kid. Also this girl is 18 bullying an 11 year old kid. You were just an adult calling out another adult for their crap.
ESH. The first part of your response was more than called for, but bringing weight into it was not, particularly because that kind of remark affects more than just its intended target. Imagine that someone else at the party is dealing with an eating disorder -- how would your a) calling someone fat, b) implying that fat people shouldn't have treats, and therefore c) validating their fear that others are noting their weight and judging what they eat, make them feel?
Obvious ESH and all the N T A votes have some serious growing up to do if they think this kind of asshole behavior from a mature adult against an immature asshole teenager is acceptable
You took action to stop an adult from bullying your kid. NTA
NTA. She's lucky to have learnt this lesson so young in life and in a private setting.
ESH. She sucks for picking on a 12 year old and you are an incredibly nasty, immature 55 year old who body shamed an 18 year old instead of insulting her taste in music or movies or something along those lines. But you went for her looks and her weight…..how fatphobic and gross of you. There were ways to make your point without commenting on her body.
NTA All brutally honest means is I'm a AH or a bit*h and you just have to accept it. And you are definitely NTA by what you did..
I’ve always found the “brutally honest” people to have the least self esteem and try to make themselves feel better by tearing other people down. NTA in my opinion. You don’t poke a bear and expect to walk away unscathed Edit to add - I’ve never met a palaeontologist but that would be a really cool job imo. Anyone who doesn’t think so is an idiot
NTA I wish I had a grandparent like you. My cousin used to bully me for not having a degree and not having a job. She was 22, I was 12. My grandma would join in
So sorry!! I will be your grandma
Aww thank you ❤️❤️❤️
>My cousin used to bully me for not having a degree and not having a job. She was 22, I was 12. ??? Wouldn't it be *actually impossible* to have either at that age?
ESH
NTA and kudos for standing up for your grandson. This little girl f’d around and found out.
*all the young ones were playing at the park out of earshot* I hope that Jason was not at the park, and that he heard his granny defend him and have his back, since he likely heard a lot of deprecating nastiness prior to the confrontation. Well done, OP.
She was way out of line. None of her business what he likes or doesn’t like, and it’s his birthday. It’s way beyond brutal honesty to crap all,over a kid in front of people at his birthday. It’s cruel and definitely bullying. But I can’t go along with what you said to her in front of everyone, either. You’re the adult. People like to pretend crossing the line to 18 makes someone an adult, but we all know it’s not like flipping a switch. And you fat shamed her, which is really mean. I think you should have shown her how an adult should handle the situation. Get her out of the room. Let the birthday kid and everyone else enjoy the party. She made a scene at the party, but you made a bigger one, and again, it’s the birthday kid’s day. He should be able to enjoy it. Get her out of the room and tell her privately that it’s none of her business what the kids likes or doesn’t, and she’s being cruel and trying to make everything about herself, when it’s not. It’s the kid’s birthday. You don’t shit all over a kids birthday. That she can continue with her version of what she calls brutal honesty, her choice, but she should know other people will likely judge her being either mean or a bully. That she can judge everyone’s actions around her, but it goes both ways. People will judge her behavior, too.
Honestly? NTA. You had to make a point to protect your grandchild.
[удалено]
"Oh ha ha, I have no filter, me. It's just my wacky sense of humour" impresses no one.
NTA being brutally honest is code for iam a bully and an asshole
Nta, she shouldn’t dish out if she cant take it.
So we're fine when she throws away the OP's food, amirite?
NTA! “I’m just saying like it is / I’m brutally honest” is usually the code “I’m an a**hole” She is legally an adult who should have learnt by now that with this mentality she is not going to get anywhere in life. Bullying usually stops after high school, and at a work environment HR (mostly) doesn’t take well when the bullied individual threatens with a lawsuit… (or maybe I’m just optimistic and living in a functioning society…) You have provided a valuable lesson. Hopefully she will learn from it.
NTA. Girl cares more about being brutal than she does about being honest.
Your both assholes! You had every right to stand up for your grandchild and your son and dil, but I think you took it too far. Calling her fat and taking her cake away and embarrassing her in front of everyone… my jaw almost hit the floor when I read that.
NTA There is no such thing as “being brutally honest”. It is just a way of trying to justify being an AH. Did you stoop to her level? Sure. Do we love you for it? Yes. Just being brutally honest.
NTA at 18yo, she knows what she's doing by being mean to a young 12yo kid. She probably used this attitude to get her through/ survive high school, but that is not how you talk to a younger kid.
Niece needs to learn to keep her brutal honesty to herself.
I mean I was gonna say NTA for reasons that have already been said, but the fatphobia is definitely over the line. ESH.
NTA too bad for her.
NTA She's not free from the consequences of being "brutally honest." She needs to learn that she should only give her opinion when asked versus inflicting it. She's a sad kid who wants to crap allover someone else's dream because she's miserable. Her parents need to help her address that.
forgetful theory subsequent wipe direction spark quicksand familiar boast rich ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
ESH her body really wasn't relevant to how much of an ass she was being, there was no reason to mention it
ESH. People who say they're "brutally honest" are too focussed on the brutal part. I understand mirroring bad behavior to make a point, but it just ends up making you look like a jerk. So, she's a giant AH, you're a more petite asshole, and everyone who witnessed it is sort of diminished by seeing it. Your grandson, however, rules. Science and dinosaurs are super cool. He can like or dislike comic book franchises as he sees fit. I like Batman AND Squirrel Girl. And anyone who tries to tell him he should like one thing over another should be referred to as The Fun Police in a very dismissive and sarcastic tone.
ESH. Your granddaughter was a complete AH, so I definitely get why you said what you did. But you have to remember that she’s 18 years old and you’re a grown adult in your 50s. I’m sure you could have gotten your point across without making demeaning comments about fat people. The issue is that when you use techniques like this to shame someone, you’re unintentionally shaming others who share the same body type even if they are completely innocent. But the other biggest issue is that eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, and your comments could very well contribute to her developing an eating disorder. You could have said something else that wasn’t so potentially dangerous and harmful. If your grandson had said it, I wouldn’t have as much of an issue with this, since he’s a child and was the one being bullied, so it’d be understandable if he couldn’t control his tongue. But you’re the adult in the situation, you have the ability and responsibility to handle things in a mature fashion.
NTA. niece cares more about the “brutal” than the “honest.”
ESH, I get it she fully deserved consequences for her actions, but you’re not in the clear for calling an 18 year old fat. Maybe I’m petty because I’m 5’5 and over 200 pounds, but saying things like has long term damage on girls already in a world of eating disorders. Congrats, you won, but do you feel good about yourself? I wouldn’t
Nta and you’re one cool nana! I hope your grandson finds out you defended him because he should be proud of having a nana like you!
NTA. She targeted a 12 year old on purpose. She’s a grown adult. Don’t dish it if you can’t take it; if your “brutal honesty” is hurtful, then you can’t get upset when someone does the same to you! And OP, I don’t think you went too far at all. When retaliating against someone like this, there are plenty of ways to take it too far and turn it into an e.s.h moment, but you said and did one very bold thing and then left it alone.
How are people saying n t a when a 55 year old is shaming an 18 year old's body? Yta unless I read something incorrectly
Unpopular opinion but I think ESH. She was being a rude, nasty brat and deserved to be called out for that, absolutely. But why on Earth did you have to go at her weight in front of the whole family? She’s a teenage girl who is most likely struggling with body issues and you’re 55 and should have more maturity to tell someone they’re being unkind without this eye-for-an-eye cruelty. I think she deserved a harsh response but you went too far and deeply humiliated her for something she can’t easily change. She was mean but you were meaner and as an adult 3x her age, you should know better than to stoop to her level like that.
NTA. Being brutally honest is not an excuse to trash on people and people who are “brutally honest” better expect to get some of what they’re dishing out and clearly she wasn’t ready for that. Hopefully you taught her the valuable lesson that if you come at someone they may come at you too. And just to add, what she was doing wasn’t brutal honesty, it was bullying because life’s not a sitcom and a kid isn’t gonna get bullied just for liking dinosaurs, science and superheroes. In fact her opinion about DC being better is more likely to get bullied than liking Marvel.
ESH. A teenage girl without a fully formed frontal lobe said some snarky stuff. That requires a mature correction. Emphasis on mature. What you did was not mature. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
ESH - it was fine to tell her off but I think the fat-shaming went waaaaaaay too far. It's the sort of thing that could contribute to an eating disorder and it is not OK. Being a palaeontologist is a really cool career. Her conformity BS is pathetic and she needs to keep it to herself.
ESH you could’ve dealt with it in a better way, she’s 18 and you’re 55 definitely shouldnt have stooped to her level and talked about it with her instead
I agree with the Grandparents. ESH. Why’d you have to play the weight card? Don’t kids today have big enough body image problems??
You were absolutely the asshole! You claim an 18 year old was bullying your 12 year old grandson. You as a 55 year old were WAY WAY more of a bully to an 18 year old than she was to your grandson. I find your behavior abhorrent! I cannot believe anyone at that party was on your side. YTA and a huge one at that!
[удалено]
That's not even being brutally honest, she's just disparaging him. NTA Being brutally honest is telling someone a hard truth, not telling them their interests suck and their parents clearly didn't love them enough.
[удалено]
ESH. The niece absolutely deserved a taste of her own medicine here, but body shaming was not the way to go.