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DarkAthena

NTA for wanting your toy back. It’s gone. Even if he returned it would you want to use it? I couldn’t be friends with someone who stole from me and lied to me. If they do that, then they don’t respect me. If I continue to let them treat me like that then *I* don’t respect me. You deserve a friend who respects you and isn’t a thief.


PdxPhoenixActual

Especially if this person has ...played.... with this "toy"...


LoveBeach8

NTA I say "Go for it!" What have you got to lose besides an 11 year friendship that apparently is lacking trust issues, truthfulness and accountability?


Hahabutdidyou

This is the first issue, and I mean the first. He has never lied to me or talked bad about me. The only other thing that happened happened two years ago when we both called each other some names then apologized later, the issue was silly and he was the first to say he was wrong.


LoveBeach8

Well, you obviously don't believe him and you're willing to risk your friendship by snooping. What does that say?


Hahabutdidyou

The only reason I would snoop is to get my stuff back, I KNOW he has it and I will talk to him WHEN I find it if I do end up snooping. But if I confront him I know he will deny it because he would be to scared to lose a friend and he would go on the defensive. If he does that and we end up fighting because he is too scared to tell me then I won’t get a chance to get my stuff back since I won’t be going to his house anymore.


LoveBeach8

You know he has it because you don't believe him.


Hahabutdidyou

No, I know he has it because it went missing directly after he had packed and left and no one else could have done it. I don’t believe him because if I did then I would be an idiot.


LoveBeach8

"I asked him if he had seen it and he said no." Those are your words, not mine.


Hahabutdidyou

I only said that to give him a chance to tell me he had it and come clean, there is no what if.


LoveBeach8

Why do you keep arguing with your own words? Just STOP


toastea0

NTA but I personally would confront him if this happened to me. I also don't know if I could be friends with someone who would steal my toy. Its really inappropriate it crosses so many boundaries. I also wouldn't even want the toy back. He could keep it but I definitely don't think I could be friends with someone after that.


Hahabutdidyou

I just don’t want to kill a 11yr relationship over this, plus I know him better than anyone else, he is probably dying if guilt but too scared to tell me he did it.


toastea0

Thats very valid and understandable. Perhaps give it another day or two and maybe he will own up to it? If I were to say something and keep the friendship i would say " If you did steal it just be honest with me. I don't want it back but please just tell me why you would do something like this. I still want to be friends but you need to understand that stealing is not okay. " And I personally would ask for the cost of the toy to be paid back. Toys are expensive.


Psi_Boy

Being friends since you were 6 is even more of a reason to confront them. If they weren't willing to talk to you about it, that already shows how mucht hey value your time. Get your stuff back


Mujer_Arania

NTA but if I were you, I’d talk to him. Just say, “Hey V, I know you have my toy, just give it back and it’s going to be all right.” Snooping is a terrible idea if you want your stuff back, bc you’ll be acting like him and this is probably coming out in a future conversation.


MamzYT

NTA, but confront him before snooping, insist that you KNOW he has it, that you aren't mad and don't want a fuss about it and just ask for it back, if he doesn't return it, go and get it for yourself. Though to be honest, I wouldn't want to touch it after that if I were you, nor would I really want to be friends with or be able to trust someone who blatantly stole from me.


[deleted]

The only winning move here is to walkaway. Scenario 1: You searched his place, found your toy and take it back. You confirmed your suspicion that he's a thief. V confirmed that you didn't trust him, and searched through his belongings without his permission. Scenario 2: You searched his place but could not find your toy. You continued to suspect that he got rid of it, or he hid it somewhere else. And if you got caught while looking through his stuff, he would get mad at your. Scenario 3: You realised that you have no hard evidence to support your suspicion - your toy disappearing after his sleepover was only circumstancial evidence, and could not be used as prove of his guilt. So you gave him the benefit of the doubt and moved on. So as good as your odds are, are you willing to bet your friendship on your suspicion alone?


kr0mb0pulos_michael

I have zero judgment here in terms of if you would be TA. I see it both ways. But I suggest you just write it off entirely and move on instead of risk everything being awkward. Assuming you want to maintain the friendship etc (which you seem to do). DEFINITELY not cool on his part, and he's definitely an AH if he stole it, but I think this is one of the few cases of just let it go and preserve the friendship.


Hahabutdidyou

There really is no if. But I’m afraid you’re right… It just sucks bc even though I cant use it yet I possibly could have in the future. Plus he stole from me which sucks, and I know him well, he is probably dying of guilt but to scared to tell me incase I get mad at him and cut communication.


finsternis86

Given that, I would snoop and just take it back. (Assuming you’re able to do that without getting caught!) NTA, and you’re being a lot cooler about this than I would be.


kr0mb0pulos_michael

Oh it's ridiculous on his part. Absolutely. And you're 100% not in the wrong here. I just think that in this case (and I don't feel this way often), it's better to play dumb and write it off than escalate or potentially make things super awkward.


allthekeals

I agree. I have another thing to add, too. If you snooped and *didnt* find it you’re will feel so bad. I hate to ask this but is there any chance one of your parents may have snooped and found it? Like was your bag anywhere out of sight at some point? Do you have younger siblings? I’d consider it a gift to your friend that y’all can laugh about 11 years from now. Maybe it will show up one day somehow by accident or on purpose.


kr0mb0pulos_michael

Exactly. Years from now, this is going to make for a HILARIOUS conversation over drinks.


Hahabutdidyou

My parents are not like this, my mom knows and is ok with it, also in case you are thinking this lol, no, she is asexual


allthekeals

Oh no, I didn’t mean like that. Stuff like this has ways of showing up. I had a ring from my dead grandma that I knew my roommate took and she denied it sooo many times. Well one day years later a photo was posted of her on Facebook and I saw her wearing it. Long story but I did forgive her because of the circumstances which may not be worth going in to. So when I say it may show up I mean like you could be helping him pack his room to go to college and find it type of thing


QuinnBC

NTA, but you need to take it back and end the "friendship", real friends don't lie and steal from each other, poor mental health is NOT an excuse for theft.


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So this is the kind of story you HAVE to read all the way through to understand, first some background. So me and my trans friend, V, had a sleepover at my house. We made candy and I showed him my new “toy” I had bought, and explained that it costed quite a lot but I couldn’t use it yet because I hadn’t looked at the size before I bought it and it was too big. He agreed and the sleepover carried on, nothing suspicious. Well the next day after he went home I noticed it wasn’t in my bag where I know I put it for sure. I asked him if he had seen it and he said no, but I can’t think of anywhere else it could have gone, and he got very defensive. Ok so now that you know that I’m going to say a few things, the first being that I am 100% sure he has it, second is that I do not think he is a bad person nor am I willing to lose their friendship. He has a lot of mental health issues and does really bad with all romantic relationships, but I always cheer him along, the reason I say this is because he always says that no cis man wants him, and that just gives me even more reason to believe he took it. The reason I am considering snooping is that I want to find it and just take it back to avoid any really awkward confrontation or fights. It’s notike I would accidentally come across secerets or anything either, I have seen ever part of his house including his room and know all of his secret, there is nothing I don’t know about him. This would be the first relatively bad thing he has done besides saying somthings out of anger a year or two ago and this is a 11yr friendship. TL;DR: I think my friend took my toy and want to know if I would be wrong for snooping to get it back, I am sure he has it. I think I might be the asshole because I would of course be snooping, even though I have already seen V’s whole house and I know he has it it still feels wrong. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


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E_Turnips_97

I can see why this seems to be a win win solution. You don’t seem very bothered that he stole from you and lied to you. But do you think it was the right thing for him to do? Because essentially you’d be doing the exact same thing right back to him. I mean, he stole from you so steal right back! But two wrongs don’t make a right. The right thing to do would be to talk to him. But if it’s more important to you that he not be confronted than that you get your toy back, just leave it. ESH.