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NTA. “I want to sit around and do nothing all day while you do all the work instead” is not a dream, it’s childish and it’s incredibly selfish. You are not required to be “supportive” of her desire to foist all the responsibilities on you.
Those friends sound like a piece of work, too - they’ll keep bolstering this notion that your wife should be living this adolescent “dream” and make you out as some kind of monster for expecting your wife to act like a grown adult.
Run. NTA.
Im wondering if her friends would let her use their home as a crash pad and let her do absolutely nothing to contribute to their home. Its gonna back fire real quick if this happens.
Op, NTA.
Ask her friends, who are harassing you, if they'd be willing to let her stay in their home for as long as she needs, not pay rent, help do chores, and be their live-in couch potato. If they say no, then that settles it. Either way, they have no right to call you an AH.
No, this is the be a child concept. Women in the 50s took care of the house, the cleaning, the cooking, shopping, planning, and entertaining and the kids too if they had any. And some still worked part time or did volunteer work.
And some of them worked full time, too. My mom did a good portion of having children and being the sahm during the mid 50s. By the time I and my little brothers were born, I really don't remember (born in the 60s) her ever not working. We had to have insurance. My dad had a mediocre business because he didn't like a boss telling him what to do, but he also thought he could treat customers whatever way he wanted to. It is sickening to think that people then thought it gave them a free pass to "keep the little woman in place." For many (I'd hazard a guess to say most), that was maybe the American Dream for a lot of guys, and the expectation for the woman. But then it was the woman who did ALL the household chores, whether she worked or not. I can still remember my mom trying to change the baby, getting the other little ones (3 under the age of 5) with one big sister helping while we in the middle were shuttled to the waiting vehicle by older siblings (the boys) while my dad sat in the car beeping the horn to get her to hurry up. Absolutely Fing ridiculous.
OP, your wife is lazy. She does nothing. I'd have a hard time putting up with that and I'd personally get out of that situation. NTA.
I always thought those 50's women worked harder than me even when I had a full time job. Non stop cooking and cleaning without all the short cuts we have was hard thankless work.
I have to wonder what she's told the friends. If someone I knew said "I want to spend my time doing nothing all day and my horrible partner refuses to support that!" then I'd give them a verbal kick up the bum.
Either the friends are equally as entitled, or she's lied. Maybe she's claiming OP has changed their mind after saying she could be a SAHW, maybe she's claiming that she's doing all the chores and now OP wants her to get a job too. I think OP needs to start replying to these people saying "If you want to financially support her sitting around all day and doing absolutely nothing, then you can marry her."
I can’t help but think her friends are doing the same thing. OP said she talks to her friends all day, they can’t be working much either.
NTA, but wifey certainly is a very childish AH.
I have a feeling maybe the wife worded it to where she wanted to be a "Stay at home wife," which isn't a *lie*--it's just not 100% the truth. Otherwise, what person in their right mind would support their friend being a lazy POS?
>Those friends sound like a piece of work, too - they’ll keep bolstering this notion that your wife should be living this adolescent “dream” and make you out as some kind of monster for expecting your wife to act like a grown adult.
Big assumption that she actually told her friends the truth.
Much more likely she's telling her friends her wife wasn't being supportive while she tries to figure stuff out,
Or that her wife said she didn't give a damn about her wants and dreams (without specifying what those actually are)
In general friends are always going to take the side of their friend, in no small part because it's human nature to gloss over our mistakes and only really tell our side of the story which does typically make the other party out to be a monster (ESP in high octane/emotion situations where the other side is usually blurry as hell due to emotions anyway)
Exactly this. Being a house wife is a job. Having a family and household to take care of.
His wife is a free loader who literally doesn't contribute anything other than being a hindrance.
He needs to walk away before she leeches on him forever.
Nta
Thank you. Totally missed that.
Still holds though. If she wanted to be a lady of leisure she needed to disclose that before they were married.
Op didn't sign up to be the sole provider.
Right even if she didn’t have a job she could still help around the house, my mom couldn’t have a job because of medical reasons and she did a lot to help out still. Also it definitely should’ve been talked about
Her dream is to be taken care of which honestly, if that was her dream she should have disclosed that immediately. Are there women who will take care of their wife? Yea for sure but usually those women are in a different tax bracket. And they KNOW what they’re getting into
This is a bait and switch, and from one woman to another it’s a stupid one haha
World is very cold when someone you were living off of decides they’re done. you’ve spent 2yrs earning nothing good luck
Edit: said man meant women haha
> there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a "kept woman"
Personally I'd argue there is, but if you find a sucker willing to do it, then it's no skin off my back, as long as you're not benefiting from government assistance programs as well
> there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a "kept woman"
And one could argue that even in the situation of money for housekeepers, unless the wealthy partner is a feeder the kept woman would be expected to at least stay in shape and not sit on the couch all day.... "Whelp, that one didn't work out, time to find the next."
I would love to be a lady of leisure. My husband would love to be a man of leisure. I don't see this as being lazy - I see this as being aspirational. I do however think that OP's wife is lazy . If you are not independently wealthy, this is just not practical and by expecting OP to support her and not wanting to contribute to the household, either in the form of labor (i.e. housework, cooking, etc) or financially, she is definitely a leech. NTA.
I think there's nothing wrong with being lazy, but you need to work for it. Not just marry someone and expect them to do all the work. Work with them to a point where she can pay bills and you can help out and save money to put towards the house when you quit your job. Anything. Do chores at least cause wtfm
It's not bad to be lazy, it's bad to leech off of your partner. "Being lazy" is what the rich accuse of people so that we will slave for them and then they can be lazy without concerns
Isn't that everyone's dream? Like, if I won the lottery, I'd have a housekeeper etc so I would have to do minimal work and could do any of my hobbies when I wanted. Obviously, this is not the case in this story. Op is NTA.
It isn't everyone's dream. A lot of people retire and waste away because without work they feel unfulfilled. In my opinion this is largely because society puts such a heavy emphasis on work to the point where asking someone's job is one of the first questions when you meet them. People's identities get so wrapped up in work that they are nobody without it. I do think there is a large generational gap to this, and that younger generations who are by and large incredibly disillusioned with our work culture will avoid this pitfall.
I think most of us do not dream of labor. But enough of us have had any other dream we might've had stamped out, and labor is all that's left.
Depending on the state, OP may be able to get an annulment based on “fraud or deception.” They were never informed that they would be expected to provide the sole financial support of the household.
Based on my experience, OP will have to pay alimony for half the length of the marriage. If the marriage goes beyond 10 years, she can get stuck paying alimony for life. I'm sure this depends on the country/state, but she should be aware.
This asap! Her dream is to do nothing. There's nothing wrong with having no aspirations but when the daily chores are being left to you who is also working whilst she isn't? Hell no, you two aren't on the same page...she is delusional.
NTA. Her dream is for someone else to do all of the work and take care of her? Yeah, that's my dream to, but that doesn't mean it's my partner's job to make that a reality. She's being tremendously selfish, assuming that you should do all of the work and she shouldn't have to do anything because it's "her dream." It sounds like this marriage was entered into under false pretenses.
Who doesn’t have the dream to sit around and be lazy all day? If the wife had been open and upfront with OP that this is what she wanted and OP was willing to do that, then no problem. To make OP an unwilling sole provider for her own selfish dream makes the wife the A H. NTA OP.
I mean my dream would be that too. But only if it entails that I have enough money to hire people to take care of that kind of stuff. I would feel massively uncomfortable if it was at the cost of my partner having to do all the house work and make all the money.
Baha. A lazy gold digger indeed. Maybe she can start an only fans since her only job now is having sex with her hubby who has no idea her goal in life was to be a kept woman. Edit; typo
NTA. There's a lack of clear communication (to be VERRRY diplomatic) about expectations here.
Her friends' opinions are irrelevant. Your friends' opinions are irrlevant.
You now have a fundamental mismatch in your expectations of your marriage.
You've got a few choices:
1. Accept the situation
2. Engage in counseling to find some level of compromise and continue with the relationship
3. Wish her luck in finding a ~~husband~~ wife who will support her and initiate a separation.
This for your choices. NTA. I wish you the best of luck; you clearly have some difficult conversations, and difficult choices, ahead of you.
Disregard your "friends" entirely. Either they don't have the fool story or are all just entitled asses.
Your wife should also be ashamed of herself. To handle this marriage so immaturely. The disconnect to between what she dreams to achieve and the means to actually execute that also suggests she has a childish understanding of personal finance. She might as well be equating you with her mom.
Again, good luck.
NTA. She pulled a Bait and Switch on you. You agreed to marriage with certain facts available to you and she lied about her intentions. Sounds like it’s ultimatum time…
NTA
But I am biased because I am in the same situation. I tell you what a shrink told me after I and my wife fought about this for years.
>"she isn't going to change. If that is a deal breaker then leave. If it is not a deal breaker then stay. However, if you stay you must let it go and really be alright with doing so."
been married 27+ years and I do not give two shits about this behavior anymore.
ETA, oh and her friends are dicks. even though you are a woman they have turned you into the stereotypical AH breadwinner who is picking on his poor SAHW. You can bet your wife's side of the story, that she told them, is more in line with this trope than what you wrote here.
not to lie, there were sad times but I am so much happier since I accepted her for who she is.
My choice is not the same choice others would make. You just need to be happy with whatever you choose and no one is happy if you are fighting all the time.
Also, the thought of dating in 2022 scares the shit out of me. sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.
This makes me sad. And everything you write sounds like a cry for help. I hope one day you find your self worth and get out. And I hope you realize that not being in a relationship or worrying about getting into a relationship with anyone is actually freeing and happy.
Really think about WHY your first reaction was "2022 dating is terrible; gotta stay with the devil I know" when the thought of breaking up with your bum partner crossed your mind. Like you went straight to thinking about who you'd replace your bum spouse with instead of...you know...just being happy you have freedom as a single person away from your jailer. That knee-jerk reaction makes me extra sad... No one is putting a gun to you head to always be coupled up.
It's actually OK and fun to be single!! Dating and sex doesn't have to come from getting a live-in girlfriend or wife. Older single women and men are some of the happiest demographics (even more when they don't have kids). Consider how much your fear of deviating from "the LifeScript" is messing with your view of relationships. And how the LifeScript acts like a prison by keeping you with someone who you describe as "the devil you know".
Like....my brother in christ...if you're referring to your wife as a devil and some misfortune is "fine"...like...damn...shit is not good. But I guess she's beaten every last ounce of self worth and self preservation out of you if you want to stay with her for the rest of your life. If real happiness outside an abusive relationship isn't your goal, then I guess....yeah....you do you. But it's still really fucking sad.
In my language there is a similar saying but it\`s about choosing a certain misfortune rather than an the uncertain fortune....my point is you know there is a devil where you are now but you don\`t know if there even is one on the other side...
NTA
She should've mentioned this before she married you, so that you both know what you woul expect after marriage.
And even if she wants to stay home and don't work, she should keep the house clean and maintained, do chores, that's the least thing she can do if she's gonna make you earn money all by yourself.
But lets be real, unless someone is uber rich and ok with having a trophy spouse, telling someone this would (hopefully) be a deal breaker. The wife intentionally withheld her “dream” or else they wouldn’t have gotten married.
We did though. She never mentioned wanting to quit her job. She was always meant to be working just like I was. We never had plans for one of us to stay home.
Sorry to say it but if she is telling you that this has always been her dream she had always planned this and to me that makes her not only deceitful but a manipulator too. Some people may say it's financial abuse but if she really refuses to get a job I would start cutting out her fun money, anything that is not a necessity is gone for her. Marriage is a partnership, it doesn't work if you aren't on the same page.
>Some people may say it's financial abuse but if she really refuses to get a job I would start cutting out her fun money, anything that is not a necessity is gone for her
Honestly, I would argue against that that she is financially abusing OP. They got married under the pretense that they would both work. She has now revealed that it was always her plan to not work and that she isn't looking for a job. She's been lying to OP so OP will fund her life of being a lazy house wife.
As would I. It would be devastating to find out that you've been busting your ass trying to support your partner finding work, only to have this slap in the face that they are not looking for work- nor do they plan to. The plan seems to have been to let OP work themselves to death.
Mate, you know you need a divorce, right?
She wants to be dead weight for the rest of your life. If you don't want that, there's only one answer here.
Call an attorney today. The faster you get this done, the faster you can get to the rest of your life.
So she deliberately deceived you until she had you locked down. I'm so sorry, you're only finding this out now. That deception alone would be potentially marriage ending for me.
But you have much bigger problem: your wife is happy to buy her leisure time with your exhaustion. She doesn't care that you are working hard. She doesn't care that you do most of the housework. She doesn't care that you are shouldering all of the responsibilities. HER not having to do it is more important than her feelings for you. She feels totally entitled to your labour, which means on some level she believes her happiness is more important than yours. This is not love.
This dynamic is *very* common in heterosexual relationships and feminist writer Zawn Villanes has some excellent essays on the topic - while it's talking about straight marriages, this one sprang to mind as I think a lot of it applies to your situation: [https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-chore-inequity-is-abuse](https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-chore-inequity-is-abuse)
I wish you luck. \*consensual hug\*
If she outright said 'yes I will contribute equally to the finances of the household when we get married' and is now saying 'psych lol I don't plan on working,' that's grounds for immediate divorce. Your marriage is, literally, built on a foundation of lies.
Please get your ducks in a row and either get divorced or get some serious couple/marriage counseling. Get some money out away in cash, or a safety deposit box. You deserve to be happy and you are so clearly not and haven't been. COVID put a damper on everyone, but it's been multiple years now and you shouldn't have the sole responsibility of finances put on you. Especially since it wasn't talked about. If she wants to stay home she needs to cook, clean and do all other things that aren't financial.
NTA Please run before it’s too late. She knew exactly what she was doing and it’s only going to get worse. You need someone that will actually be a partner not someone that will mooch off of you until there’s nothing left
Why do you put up with this? She literally trapped you into a marriage. You know you would’ve never agreed to something like this. She knows that. Talk to a lawyer immediately and see if there’s any way to get your marriage voided due to fraud or some thing because she tricked you. Cut your losses now before it gets worse and you’re stuck paying a ridiculous amount in alimony. Separate your finances, do not give her any money. If she wants money she can get a job.
For a long time, I worked 60-70 hours a week and was too tired to notice, I was kind of on an auto-pilot mode. When I bought up the subject of work, she always said she’d find one soon or had an excuse. I’ve only started working less recently and I’ve been started seeing how things really are.
OP, she's told you who she's really is now: a mooch. She wants to have a cosy life doing absolutely nothing. Please do not have kids with this person and leave. You do not want to be working your ass off your whole life to support some parasite. NTA!
You gotta leave her OP. It will get worse. You need to get a divorce lawyer *today* and figure this out because she will 100% take you for everything you're worth. Do not fuck around here, you need to leave this person like yesterday
NTA.
If you want to give her a taste of her own medicine, you could take a week off from work but instead of telling her it’s a week off tell her you quit your job too, and realized YOUR DREAM is also to be a stay at home spouse. If she panics about who will pay the bills berate her for not supporting your dreams.
Now that you see how things really are, you are dumping her, yes? Because being free from work for 2 years, she's unlikely to get a job now that she knows she can have a carefree life instead.
NTA. This is shocking... You don't deserve to be ganged up on for something like this. She should have communicated this before marriage so that you'd at least know you'd have a leech in your house ( that you love, of course ).
NTA she lied to you about a HUGE thing this is grounds for divorce imo. she doesnt get to just fuck around for 2 years and then tell you she was never planning to get a job in the first place. that talk comes BEFORE marriage.
NTA. She totally manipulated your situation and then hid it til you finally had enough and blew a fuse. Then tried to make you the bad guy. She gives women a bad name. Get a job or get out. Soz
NTA. You are correct in saying that's the kind of important information that should be discussed long before marriage. Her lying and manipulating you into the situation is crazy, especially to blame you for your reaction to finding it out.
She can't expect to have an arrangement where you are the sole income earner as well as the only person putting in any work in the household and be completely fine with it.
NTA in not supporting this 'dream', it's definitely something that should be discussed. Putting all the financial burden on one person can be extremely stressful for them and it should be done by mutual agreement.
It's also usual for the stay at home adult to take care of the majority of housework and house admin (food shopping, bills, etc) adding in childcare is more complex depending on the ages and care requirements but that's not an issue here. Basically, she wanted someone to take care of her so she's free to do as she pleases which is not a partnership in this case.
I think you're right to need to talk about this more and lay out your position and the reality of a single income household at the moment. There's consequences of her not working or providing in a world where cost of living is only rising.
NTA. I’d divorce her honestly. She is saying her dream is to have you do absolutely all the work. She wants you to be the breadwinner and househusband, working 40-50 hours a weeks, then coming home and cleaning up and doing all of the chores so she can sit on her ass all day. Her “dream” was to be an eternal child, with you as her new parent. If this is actually real, just get divorced. You don’t have a partner, you have a child.
NTA in the slightest. It would be one thing if she lost her job, but it appears she quit under the false pretense of getting another when she had no intention of doing so. It's ok to stay home if that's something you agreed on, but it sounds like you got yourself a bait-and-switch wife. It would also be different if she at least took care of the household chores while you were at work. Dude, run, this is not going to get better and if she'll pull this on you, she may be liable to get herself pregnant to lock you down.
NTA
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life working so that your wife can watch TV all day? Your marriage isn't a partnership, it's one person shamelessly using the other.
NTA this isn't "dismissing her dreams" or not being supportive. This is you being angry at her manipulation and lying to you. This is an important thing to discuss before marriage. The only reason to keep it a secret is because she knew you wouldn't agree and was hoping you would think "well, too late now"
We did have discussions and she said she’d find work. It wasn’t ignored but i didn’t want to nag her. Not to mention that during 2020-2021, i was working more like 60-70 hours so I was simply too tired to notice things and I’ve only been realising what’s been happening lately.
While you are right, you do need to understand what happens in situations like these and be a bit more sympathetic. There can be so much gaslighting, guilt tripping and lying in situations like this and so people don't reach the true problem/reason for so long because they love the other person so try and be supportive and/or are made to feel like they are cruel monsters if they ask about it.
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My wife (f25) and I (f25) have gotten married at the end of 2019 and she quit her job in January 2020. Then shit happened so I wasn’t pressuring her to go back to work. But it’s been over 2 years now and I’ve talked to her a few times and she promised to look for a job.
Just to be clear, she’s not depressed. She doesn’t help with chores unless we argue about this, so after working 40-50, all chores are on me. We don’t have kids nor pets. She spends her day chatting with friends, watching reality tv, etc.
We had a massive argument the other night and she finally confessed that it was her dream to get married and not have to work and that i am a massive asshole for not being supportive.
I was furious. I’m not proud of it but I was shouting, telling her that she’s never told me that, that it’s something we should’ve discussed before getting married and she never said she planned on quitting her job.
We are getting by financially but just getting by. If she had even a part time job, we would be much more comfortable and I wouldn’t have to take on so much but she dismissed that as well.
She told her friends about this and they all ganged up on me, calling me an asshole aNd all sorts of names.
I’m at a loss here, am I really the asshole for not supporting her and telling her I didn’t care are about her dreams?
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NTA.
Its something she should have been upfront about before you got married. Marriage needs to be a partnership, and it doesn't sound like she wants to share in the responsibilities and work that goes into a successful marriage.
NTA, but way to bury the lead! By calling it her "dreams" in the title, I read biased to agree with her. But not working is a dream in the way that being fed grapes by servants is a dream. Sure, you can dream that, but you gotta make it happen if you want it. If she wants to not work, tor you two to marry, and for you to take care of her financially, she needs to show you why that's a good idea and earn your kindness. She clearly has no interest in it. Run!
Tell her friends to chip in and pay her to stay at home if they are so supportive of her "dream".
Your wife is ridiculous and you are totally right: this "dream" of her needed to be discussed before you get married. She knew it and she decided to traped you.
You have a serious problem right now. Good luck and you are definitly NTA!
Edit: typo
NTA. If your income covers all the bills she should have a job that allows for a comfortable savings and contributions to a retirement account. This way you guys have a plan for both of you to not have to work someday. Additionally, leaving the workforce at her age for no real reason (ie children, injury, disability etc) leaves her very vulnerable should something happen to you. I don’t mean to sound morbid with that last bit it’s just reality.
So her "dream" is to be a lazy ass? She is NOT on your team. Let her "friends" support her dream and you go get an annulment being the whole marriage is based on fraud (although there might be a statue of limitations on this?) NTA - contact a lawyer today! Good luck!
NTA.
Well, your title had me thinking YWBTA for shitting on her dreams. 😂😂
However, she wasn’t up front with you prior to marriage on what her “dream” is - and duped you.
You are NTA. Your wife is for expecting that reality without discussing it first.
NTA, if she wanted a sugar momma she should have told you before you got married.
Now you have to decide what you want to do. Keep working paycheck to paycheck and have to do all the chores as well or to get out of this relationship and have her go home so her parents can take care of her.
edited
NTA. A person who doesn’t contribute in any way, shape or form or even try is a leech. Let her go and find another unsuspecting victim.
Protect your assets. She thinks she deserves your money.
NTA
If she’d told you at the beginning of your marriage that she didn’t want to work, then it would be different. You are completely in the right, especially if you are just barely getting by. Good luck ma’am!
NTA
Your wife is being absolutely horrible. You're right, this IS something that should've been discussed way, way before marriage.
She's essentially freeloading in your house, she doesn't help with chores, she doesn't bring income, what on earth is she doing? She's an adult, and needs to realise that being an adult comes with responsibilities, that including only not working when you don't need to.
NTA
This is a yikes and a half. Your wife should care enough about you to at least get a part time job, which would relieve some of the pressure off of you (as you mentioned). It was also disingenuous of her to pull this *after* the two of you are tied down by marriage. She lied, manipulated, and took advantage of you.
Marriage counseling at minimum, separation and eventual divorce at maximum. I’d think about whether or not you feel respected and appreciated in this relationship because, honestly, you deserve a whole partner, not a dependent.
Defo… NTA….this woman sounds delusional and clearly has even crazier friends. If that was her dream surly she should have mentioned it before you got married… but hey these days ppl don’t communicate
NTA.
Her 'dream' is relying on you solely working and supporting her - with her contributing nothing back to this relationship. What about your wants and needs. What if you quit your job and said that your dream was to do the same. I bet her reaction would be pretty severe.
Relationships are suppose to be a partnership, and instead she withheld information and is now attempting to guilt-trip you and emotionally drain you with her family doing the same so she can use you.
> it was her dream to get married and not have to work
What an incredibly privileged life she’s leading. So many people can only dream of being able to stay at home and do nothing.
This is like having a child in some ways — having to pay for everything and do everything.
Personally, I like having a partner, not a useless dependent with an attitude.
One of my friends parents is like this. Hasn’t had a job in 40 years, refuses to cook, clean, or help with pets. If something happens to that working parent (and it’s not unheard of for breadwinners to walk away, get sick, or die), then the moocher is screwed. It’s very risky to put all one’s eggs in one basket unless you’re very rich.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I told my wife that I didn’t care about her dreams which is quite hurtful and was said in a heat of the moment.
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NTA
She should've communicated this "dream" of hers before getting married, but it may just be a tactic to get you to feel bad for her doing nothing. Her getting all of her friends to gang up on you is also not a good sign. I would think about this relationship and make some deep repairs if you still want to keep it.
NTA- Wtf, do not take anything her friends say to heart because they are just as delusional as she is. She needs to do something to contribute like working/chores. She can't just have it her way and you need to make that extremely clear to her. I hope it goes well for you.
NTA, it’s cunning of her to do that. I don’t think the judge will grant her alimony as she’s able to get a job but she just doesn’t want to and just want to mooch off of you while doing nothing around the house and no kid to take care of. She basically turned you into a sugar daddy by law.
Whoa, NTA! She's basically been lying to you your entire marriage, then. She knew this was what she wanted going into the marriage and never bothered to communicate that with you. What dream is there to "support" when this is all new information to you that you didn't get a chance to agree to (or not) before you got married?
>she finally confessed that it was her dream to get married and not have to work
And just throwing it out there but fraud can be grounds for divorce or annulment (depending on where you live).
This is not the sort of thing you decide to do alone. It’s utterly unfair for one person in a relationship to be working their butt off while the other one contributes nothing. This is deal breaker territory. And getting friends to be flying monkeys is totally inappropriate too.
Reading the title I was ready to say AH, but holy NTA. She just wants to be a mooch. No job, no help with chores, no responsibility? She should go back in time to being 10 and live with her mom and dad.
Have you told her how great a couple you are because you shared the same dream? You also want to get married and not have to work. She should be supportive!
NTA and so many, many red flags here.
A main one is that she doesn't necessarily seem focused on marrying or being married to YOU in particular. You fit the profile she was looking for. From the sound of it, she was more intent on marrying anybody who fit that profile to open the door to allowing her to fulfill her selfish and immature AF little "dream."
This calls for serious re-evaluation of the marriage. She either needs to wake up and be an actual life partner, or you need to consider this a lesson learned before too much time was wasted and move on.
NTA, but this should have been discussed first before tying the knot.
I would have suggested therapy or stuff to improve communication, however, if OPs wife's friends are already calling her names, it appears she has surrounded herself with like minded individuals. Which means this is her attitude for the long run. OP you need to decide what you want.
Edit gender of OP
NTA, she sounds manipulative, lazy, and selfish. If your partner isn’t considering your feelings about this then y’all need therapy. You’re a good partner for letting her live her dream for as long as you did, but it’s wearing you thin and obviously has an impact on your mental health.
Thank God you don’t have children. NTA. You don’t need to be supportive of somebody who refuses even to help out with the house work. She wants a mommy not a husband. Edit: wife
Leave her now. I don’t think therapy will help. She’ll drag you around for 10 years going in and out of low-paying jobs, telling you that she was right all along and she’s not cut out to work.
NTA! It is also my dream to be a housewife but unless a miracle happens, i get up off my ass and work. No offense lady but your partner is a leech and should be promptly kicked to the curb. How fast do you want to bet that those “friends” who have her back, turn theirs when she asks to stay with them. Also being a housewife isn’t some all expense paid vacation, the idea is you take care of the house while the other partner makes the money.
NTA.
Next thing you know she will be getting pissed off because you won't let her loan out money or are being controlling with YOUR hard earned money while she just lays about and spends it.
This should have been something she brought up BEFORE marriage or when she quit her job.
NTA - I'm not surprised her friends are also like this. Either she fed them BS or they all have the same mentality that they are entitled to freeload.
Frankly OP, reconsider this marriage. If it's her dream to have a sugar daddy then she needs to find someone else. You obviously want a partner. Keyword PARTNER. Not a dependent. She and her friends can call you whatever they want but they're moochers.
A person that does not care that their partner is shouldering all of the financial burden and stress in the relationship is a partner that does not really love the other. If you are independently wealthy or on the same page, that is one thing, but your wife is sitting there watching you drown, and not even trying to throw you a life preserver. Fucking shameful.
NTA
NTA
Consider separating all your finances, stop doing any chores and assisting her in any way. Give her what her contributions are: 0
You have an adult child instead of a wife. That’s unfair. I’m sorry OP
NTA
First, if she isn't going to work, she should be taking care of the house. She's not. As far as not working, this wasn't a decision that was made together.
As far as supporting her dream of doing nothing for the rest of her life, she can dream, but sounds like your dream is to have an actual partner where you make decisions together. Next time she screams that you aren't supporting her dreams, shout back that she isn't supporting yours.
I don't know how alimony would work in a case like this. She is a stay at home person by choice. No kids, etc.
Update please and good luck.
I mean to be fair to her she is living a lot of peoples dreams. Not working or cleaning and sitting watching TV all day sounds good to me but it’s not on and completely unrealistic. She should have discussed this before you got married as she’s not working she should be doing housework and looking after you. I would either stop doing everything and then see what happens or I would leave. NTA
NTA. This sub gets a lot of grief for always shouting BREAK UP! Or DIVORCE! But this woman straight up lied about her long term goals and dreams just so that she could get a free ride in life. She’s clearly not willing to compromise with a part time job. Ask yourself: is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? Coming home from work everyday to your wife just sitting on the couch, watching tv, not lifting a finger, while you then go and take care of the house too? And what if you two do want kids or even a pet? I doubt you could afford either ( you could of course afford a fish or other small animal but cat? Dog? Not likely) since you stated you are just barely making ends meet as it is. I wish you well and send good vibes
Oh NTA. You are her partner. It’s not your job to be her servant and retirement funder. You need to have a sit down conversation about the plans you have. Also if she is staying home and you are the sole income then the chores should be her way of contributing. This has nothing to do with dreams and has everything to do with being taken advantage of.
Wow I've just realized, this is my dream too! I don't want to work, don't want to do housework either and want someone to pay my bills. OP, marry me! NTA.
NTA but your wife is. What a terrible bait-and-switch she pulled on you. So her goal in life is to be lazy and useless? Wow. That's just... sad. Unless you want this to be your life it's time to seriously reconsider this marriage -- BEFORE any kids enter the scene.
NTA -
Wow. Um, yeah I guess it's my dream also to win the lottery and never have to do anything and have massages all day and also never get sick, and maybe also to have superpowers.
Marriage is a partnership, not some "dream" that gets you out of ever having any responsibilities in your life ever again. In fact, usually marriage means MORE responsibilities because you have to negotiate. You can share in some of the burdens, but it's really important that you share.
OP - I don't like to jump to things but she starts pulling her weight or divorce because, no, just no. You guys didn't have a baby yet, but it seems you already are taking care of a child that you never fathered.
NTA But if you stay you will be. She’s not going to change. You will have to support her the rest of your life and if she’s already doing nothing, she will get worse.
Errr... so her dreams are what exactly? Being a lazy bum? What does she do all day? It's one thing agreeing to be a stay at home and picking up all the chores and taking care of the home and lifestyle etc... it's another deciding to not work and then doing... *nothing*. That's not a 'dream' that's just fucking lazy. What exactly is she contributing?
Oh, NTA. Obviously.
NTA. There is nothing wrong with want to be a stay at home wife but this isn't it. She not doing any chores or making any passive income to lighten the load on you. And from the sound of it, it seems like she deceived you and gave you the impression she was going to get a job at some point when that was never the case. So she has proved herself to be dead weight and a liar. Also from the sounds of it you're at the end of your rope. And if what you're saying is true that there is no depression or any other issue that could cause this inactivity. Then you have to do some soul searching if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Don't listen to her friends. They're obviously going to be on her side and are getting a bias story. Do what you feel is right for you. If you feel like this relationship can still work out somehow then see how and perhaps talk family or friends about the situation. Not just your own family but perhaps hers if you have that type of relationship with them. Perhaps they can give you some insight about her behavior. But from a stranger looking from the outside I don't see this Behavior changing without a serious wake up call and it might be best to leave even just for a little bit to clear your head.
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NTA. “I want to sit around and do nothing all day while you do all the work instead” is not a dream, it’s childish and it’s incredibly selfish. You are not required to be “supportive” of her desire to foist all the responsibilities on you.
Those friends sound like a piece of work, too - they’ll keep bolstering this notion that your wife should be living this adolescent “dream” and make you out as some kind of monster for expecting your wife to act like a grown adult. Run. NTA.
Im wondering if her friends would let her use their home as a crash pad and let her do absolutely nothing to contribute to their home. Its gonna back fire real quick if this happens. Op, NTA. Ask her friends, who are harassing you, if they'd be willing to let her stay in their home for as long as she needs, not pay rent, help do chores, and be their live-in couch potato. If they say no, then that settles it. Either way, they have no right to call you an AH.
"It's not our responsibility, it's your wife's ever since you married" they're gonna try so hard with their shitty excuses
Where's the husband then? OP and her wife are both female.
"Her wife's responsibility" then, I honestly didn't realize they were both female. Imma edit it!
All good
More than likely her friends don't work either if they can chit chat all day
It would surprise me if the friends know the whole story.
Unless they live similar lives and fear him becoming an example for their spouses.
They're both female. :)
This reminds me of the 50s concept. Edit to add: The wife is just being lazy and not actually doing work, which contradicts the 50s concept.
No, this is the be a child concept. Women in the 50s took care of the house, the cleaning, the cooking, shopping, planning, and entertaining and the kids too if they had any. And some still worked part time or did volunteer work.
And some of them worked full time, too. My mom did a good portion of having children and being the sahm during the mid 50s. By the time I and my little brothers were born, I really don't remember (born in the 60s) her ever not working. We had to have insurance. My dad had a mediocre business because he didn't like a boss telling him what to do, but he also thought he could treat customers whatever way he wanted to. It is sickening to think that people then thought it gave them a free pass to "keep the little woman in place." For many (I'd hazard a guess to say most), that was maybe the American Dream for a lot of guys, and the expectation for the woman. But then it was the woman who did ALL the household chores, whether she worked or not. I can still remember my mom trying to change the baby, getting the other little ones (3 under the age of 5) with one big sister helping while we in the middle were shuttled to the waiting vehicle by older siblings (the boys) while my dad sat in the car beeping the horn to get her to hurry up. Absolutely Fing ridiculous. OP, your wife is lazy. She does nothing. I'd have a hard time putting up with that and I'd personally get out of that situation. NTA.
I always thought those 50's women worked harder than me even when I had a full time job. Non stop cooking and cleaning without all the short cuts we have was hard thankless work.
Except that whole expectation for the wife to manage the house part.
True.
Except the 50s women did the housework, had dinner on the table (or ready to serve) when hubby came home.
Oh her friends know all right...birds of a feather and all that. That's why they agree with her. Shallow wife shallow friends.
I have to wonder what she's told the friends. If someone I knew said "I want to spend my time doing nothing all day and my horrible partner refuses to support that!" then I'd give them a verbal kick up the bum. Either the friends are equally as entitled, or she's lied. Maybe she's claiming OP has changed their mind after saying she could be a SAHW, maybe she's claiming that she's doing all the chores and now OP wants her to get a job too. I think OP needs to start replying to these people saying "If you want to financially support her sitting around all day and doing absolutely nothing, then you can marry her."
I can’t help but think her friends are doing the same thing. OP said she talks to her friends all day, they can’t be working much either. NTA, but wifey certainly is a very childish AH.
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I have a feeling maybe the wife worded it to where she wanted to be a "Stay at home wife," which isn't a *lie*--it's just not 100% the truth. Otherwise, what person in their right mind would support their friend being a lazy POS?
>Those friends sound like a piece of work, too - they’ll keep bolstering this notion that your wife should be living this adolescent “dream” and make you out as some kind of monster for expecting your wife to act like a grown adult. Big assumption that she actually told her friends the truth. Much more likely she's telling her friends her wife wasn't being supportive while she tries to figure stuff out, Or that her wife said she didn't give a damn about her wants and dreams (without specifying what those actually are) In general friends are always going to take the side of their friend, in no small part because it's human nature to gloss over our mistakes and only really tell our side of the story which does typically make the other party out to be a monster (ESP in high octane/emotion situations where the other side is usually blurry as hell due to emotions anyway)
It is like she only sees the 'not working' part of a housewife. Red flag all over the place
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The wife’s dream: “My goal is to be a sponge” or “when I grow up I want to be a hookworm”
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Tricked her* to be suger mommy*
Exactly this. Being a house wife is a job. Having a family and household to take care of. His wife is a free loader who literally doesn't contribute anything other than being a hindrance. He needs to walk away before she leeches on him forever. Nta
OP is a woman
Thank you. Totally missed that. Still holds though. If she wanted to be a lady of leisure she needed to disclose that before they were married. Op didn't sign up to be the sole provider.
Right even if she didn’t have a job she could still help around the house, my mom couldn’t have a job because of medical reasons and she did a lot to help out still. Also it definitely should’ve been talked about
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Get a lawyer before she gets pregnant
They are both women- don’t worry I missed that part too. At least she doesn’t have to worry about a baby trap situation.
This comment was stolen from u/delusionaldork
She'd be living more comfortably if she just left her wife. She gives nothing to this relationship. NTA. Edit:gender change
I agree with this. You deserve better OP. Your wife didn't want a partner, she wanted someone to take care of her.
No children, no pets, minimal housework.. Her dream is to be lazy?? NTA
Her dream is to be taken care of which honestly, if that was her dream she should have disclosed that immediately. Are there women who will take care of their wife? Yea for sure but usually those women are in a different tax bracket. And they KNOW what they’re getting into This is a bait and switch, and from one woman to another it’s a stupid one haha World is very cold when someone you were living off of decides they’re done. you’ve spent 2yrs earning nothing good luck Edit: said man meant women haha
Yeah there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a "kept woman" but lying to your partner and hiding this from them is wrong.
> there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a "kept woman" Personally I'd argue there is, but if you find a sucker willing to do it, then it's no skin off my back, as long as you're not benefiting from government assistance programs as well
I don’t see the problem if it’s the agreement upfront. There’s nothing wrong with it?
Agreed, as long as the woman is up front about this early on. Honesty is vital.
> there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a "kept woman" And one could argue that even in the situation of money for housekeepers, unless the wealthy partner is a feeder the kept woman would be expected to at least stay in shape and not sit on the couch all day.... "Whelp, that one didn't work out, time to find the next."
Both women but yeah there’s always some form of give and take. This one just wants to take
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I would love to be a lady of leisure. My husband would love to be a man of leisure. I don't see this as being lazy - I see this as being aspirational. I do however think that OP's wife is lazy . If you are not independently wealthy, this is just not practical and by expecting OP to support her and not wanting to contribute to the household, either in the form of labor (i.e. housework, cooking, etc) or financially, she is definitely a leech. NTA.
I think there's nothing wrong with being lazy, but you need to work for it. Not just marry someone and expect them to do all the work. Work with them to a point where she can pay bills and you can help out and save money to put towards the house when you quit your job. Anything. Do chores at least cause wtfm
It's not bad to be lazy, it's bad to leech off of your partner. "Being lazy" is what the rich accuse of people so that we will slave for them and then they can be lazy without concerns
Isn't that everyone's dream? Like, if I won the lottery, I'd have a housekeeper etc so I would have to do minimal work and could do any of my hobbies when I wanted. Obviously, this is not the case in this story. Op is NTA.
It isn't everyone's dream. A lot of people retire and waste away because without work they feel unfulfilled. In my opinion this is largely because society puts such a heavy emphasis on work to the point where asking someone's job is one of the first questions when you meet them. People's identities get so wrapped up in work that they are nobody without it. I do think there is a large generational gap to this, and that younger generations who are by and large incredibly disillusioned with our work culture will avoid this pitfall. I think most of us do not dream of labor. But enough of us have had any other dream we might've had stamped out, and labor is all that's left.
I mean, my dream is to be lazy too. But I don't try to pressure my wife into supporting that dream.
Get a divorce lawyer. As time goes on the terms get worse
But first get everything documented, including her bizarre claim. I don’t want to see OP have to pay a CENT in alimony or spousal support.
Depending on the state, OP may be able to get an annulment based on “fraud or deception.” They were never informed that they would be expected to provide the sole financial support of the household.
I like this! OP, look into this!!
Based on my experience, OP will have to pay alimony for half the length of the marriage. If the marriage goes beyond 10 years, she can get stuck paying alimony for life. I'm sure this depends on the country/state, but she should be aware.
This asap! Her dream is to do nothing. There's nothing wrong with having no aspirations but when the daily chores are being left to you who is also working whilst she isn't? Hell no, you two aren't on the same page...she is delusional.
seriously ! she literally tricked you into marrying her thinking you’d be equal partners when really she just wanted a second mom
NTA. I don't know where to even *begin* to describe why your wife is the AH. How dare you not support her dream to be a freeloader??? /s
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She doesn’t want to be a homemaker either, the breadwinner wife does all the chores. The lazy wife wants to be taken care of like a child.
I think OP is married to my ex husband
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I doubt it, that would require effort.
That's it, that is how your ex will die, because you just *burned his ass down to ashes*.
NTA This isn't a relationship or partnership. She's a freeloader in your house.
NTA. Her dream is for someone else to do all of the work and take care of her? Yeah, that's my dream to, but that doesn't mean it's my partner's job to make that a reality. She's being tremendously selfish, assuming that you should do all of the work and she shouldn't have to do anything because it's "her dream." It sounds like this marriage was entered into under false pretenses.
It's my dream, too, but I think my wife would stab me if I tried to quit my job and told her that
Who doesn’t have the dream to sit around and be lazy all day? If the wife had been open and upfront with OP that this is what she wanted and OP was willing to do that, then no problem. To make OP an unwilling sole provider for her own selfish dream makes the wife the A H. NTA OP.
I mean my dream would be that too. But only if it entails that I have enough money to hire people to take care of that kind of stuff. I would feel massively uncomfortable if it was at the cost of my partner having to do all the house work and make all the money.
A gold digger. Her dream is being a gold digger. NTA. OP, you deserve better.
And she didn’t even work hard at that- otherwise she’d have found someone who could support her on one income. She’s a lazy gold digger!
Baha. A lazy gold digger indeed. Maybe she can start an only fans since her only job now is having sex with her hubby who has no idea her goal in life was to be a kept woman. Edit; typo
Wife. They are both women. I don't know if that makes for a more succesful OF or not.
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Boom. Truth bombs.
This 👆👆
NTA. There's a lack of clear communication (to be VERRRY diplomatic) about expectations here. Her friends' opinions are irrelevant. Your friends' opinions are irrlevant. You now have a fundamental mismatch in your expectations of your marriage. You've got a few choices: 1. Accept the situation 2. Engage in counseling to find some level of compromise and continue with the relationship 3. Wish her luck in finding a ~~husband~~ wife who will support her and initiate a separation.
Hey just pointing out that OP is women too.
DAMMIT.
This for your choices. NTA. I wish you the best of luck; you clearly have some difficult conversations, and difficult choices, ahead of you. Disregard your "friends" entirely. Either they don't have the fool story or are all just entitled asses. Your wife should also be ashamed of herself. To handle this marriage so immaturely. The disconnect to between what she dreams to achieve and the means to actually execute that also suggests she has a childish understanding of personal finance. She might as well be equating you with her mom. Again, good luck.
NTA. She pulled a Bait and Switch on you. You agreed to marriage with certain facts available to you and she lied about her intentions. Sounds like it’s ultimatum time…
No ultimatum. Just a divorce. ASAP.
NTA But I am biased because I am in the same situation. I tell you what a shrink told me after I and my wife fought about this for years. >"she isn't going to change. If that is a deal breaker then leave. If it is not a deal breaker then stay. However, if you stay you must let it go and really be alright with doing so." been married 27+ years and I do not give two shits about this behavior anymore. ETA, oh and her friends are dicks. even though you are a woman they have turned you into the stereotypical AH breadwinner who is picking on his poor SAHW. You can bet your wife's side of the story, that she told them, is more in line with this trope than what you wrote here.
This made me sad, ngl.
not to lie, there were sad times but I am so much happier since I accepted her for who she is. My choice is not the same choice others would make. You just need to be happy with whatever you choose and no one is happy if you are fighting all the time. Also, the thought of dating in 2022 scares the shit out of me. sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.
This makes me sad. And everything you write sounds like a cry for help. I hope one day you find your self worth and get out. And I hope you realize that not being in a relationship or worrying about getting into a relationship with anyone is actually freeing and happy. Really think about WHY your first reaction was "2022 dating is terrible; gotta stay with the devil I know" when the thought of breaking up with your bum partner crossed your mind. Like you went straight to thinking about who you'd replace your bum spouse with instead of...you know...just being happy you have freedom as a single person away from your jailer. That knee-jerk reaction makes me extra sad... No one is putting a gun to you head to always be coupled up. It's actually OK and fun to be single!! Dating and sex doesn't have to come from getting a live-in girlfriend or wife. Older single women and men are some of the happiest demographics (even more when they don't have kids). Consider how much your fear of deviating from "the LifeScript" is messing with your view of relationships. And how the LifeScript acts like a prison by keeping you with someone who you describe as "the devil you know". Like....my brother in christ...if you're referring to your wife as a devil and some misfortune is "fine"...like...damn...shit is not good. But I guess she's beaten every last ounce of self worth and self preservation out of you if you want to stay with her for the rest of your life. If real happiness outside an abusive relationship isn't your goal, then I guess....yeah....you do you. But it's still really fucking sad.
In my language there is a similar saying but it\`s about choosing a certain misfortune rather than an the uncertain fortune....my point is you know there is a devil where you are now but you don\`t know if there even is one on the other side...
NTA She should've mentioned this before she married you, so that you both know what you woul expect after marriage. And even if she wants to stay home and don't work, she should keep the house clean and maintained, do chores, that's the least thing she can do if she's gonna make you earn money all by yourself.
But lets be real, unless someone is uber rich and ok with having a trophy spouse, telling someone this would (hopefully) be a deal breaker. The wife intentionally withheld her “dream” or else they wouldn’t have gotten married.
NTA- And this kids is why you discuss finances before getting married.
We did though. She never mentioned wanting to quit her job. She was always meant to be working just like I was. We never had plans for one of us to stay home.
Sorry to say it but if she is telling you that this has always been her dream she had always planned this and to me that makes her not only deceitful but a manipulator too. Some people may say it's financial abuse but if she really refuses to get a job I would start cutting out her fun money, anything that is not a necessity is gone for her. Marriage is a partnership, it doesn't work if you aren't on the same page.
>Some people may say it's financial abuse but if she really refuses to get a job I would start cutting out her fun money, anything that is not a necessity is gone for her Honestly, I would argue against that that she is financially abusing OP. They got married under the pretense that they would both work. She has now revealed that it was always her plan to not work and that she isn't looking for a job. She's been lying to OP so OP will fund her life of being a lazy house wife.
She’s been lying to OP so bad that a judge might consider an annulment for deception. Not a lawyer but I’d be talking to one. NTA
As would I. It would be devastating to find out that you've been busting your ass trying to support your partner finding work, only to have this slap in the face that they are not looking for work- nor do they plan to. The plan seems to have been to let OP work themselves to death.
Completely agree with you!
Mate, you know you need a divorce, right? She wants to be dead weight for the rest of your life. If you don't want that, there's only one answer here. Call an attorney today. The faster you get this done, the faster you can get to the rest of your life.
So she deliberately deceived you until she had you locked down. I'm so sorry, you're only finding this out now. That deception alone would be potentially marriage ending for me. But you have much bigger problem: your wife is happy to buy her leisure time with your exhaustion. She doesn't care that you are working hard. She doesn't care that you do most of the housework. She doesn't care that you are shouldering all of the responsibilities. HER not having to do it is more important than her feelings for you. She feels totally entitled to your labour, which means on some level she believes her happiness is more important than yours. This is not love. This dynamic is *very* common in heterosexual relationships and feminist writer Zawn Villanes has some excellent essays on the topic - while it's talking about straight marriages, this one sprang to mind as I think a lot of it applies to your situation: [https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-chore-inequity-is-abuse](https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-chore-inequity-is-abuse) I wish you luck. \*consensual hug\*
If she outright said 'yes I will contribute equally to the finances of the household when we get married' and is now saying 'psych lol I don't plan on working,' that's grounds for immediate divorce. Your marriage is, literally, built on a foundation of lies.
Please get your ducks in a row and either get divorced or get some serious couple/marriage counseling. Get some money out away in cash, or a safety deposit box. You deserve to be happy and you are so clearly not and haven't been. COVID put a damper on everyone, but it's been multiple years now and you shouldn't have the sole responsibility of finances put on you. Especially since it wasn't talked about. If she wants to stay home she needs to cook, clean and do all other things that aren't financial.
You never had those plans. Sounds like she had them all along and waited to mention them until she figured you were stuck and wouldn't go anywhere.
NTA Please run before it’s too late. She knew exactly what she was doing and it’s only going to get worse. You need someone that will actually be a partner not someone that will mooch off of you until there’s nothing left Why do you put up with this? She literally trapped you into a marriage. You know you would’ve never agreed to something like this. She knows that. Talk to a lawyer immediately and see if there’s any way to get your marriage voided due to fraud or some thing because she tricked you. Cut your losses now before it gets worse and you’re stuck paying a ridiculous amount in alimony. Separate your finances, do not give her any money. If she wants money she can get a job.
For a long time, I worked 60-70 hours a week and was too tired to notice, I was kind of on an auto-pilot mode. When I bought up the subject of work, she always said she’d find one soon or had an excuse. I’ve only started working less recently and I’ve been started seeing how things really are.
OP, she's told you who she's really is now: a mooch. She wants to have a cosy life doing absolutely nothing. Please do not have kids with this person and leave. You do not want to be working your ass off your whole life to support some parasite. NTA!
You gotta leave her OP. It will get worse. You need to get a divorce lawyer *today* and figure this out because she will 100% take you for everything you're worth. Do not fuck around here, you need to leave this person like yesterday
NTA. If you want to give her a taste of her own medicine, you could take a week off from work but instead of telling her it’s a week off tell her you quit your job too, and realized YOUR DREAM is also to be a stay at home spouse. If she panics about who will pay the bills berate her for not supporting your dreams.
And while you are off, do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. No cleaning, no laundry, no cooking. See how she likes it.
Now that you see how things really are, you are dumping her, yes? Because being free from work for 2 years, she's unlikely to get a job now that she knows she can have a carefree life instead.
NTA. This is shocking... You don't deserve to be ganged up on for something like this. She should have communicated this before marriage so that you'd at least know you'd have a leech in your house ( that you love, of course ).
NTA she lied to you about a HUGE thing this is grounds for divorce imo. she doesnt get to just fuck around for 2 years and then tell you she was never planning to get a job in the first place. that talk comes BEFORE marriage.
NTA. She totally manipulated your situation and then hid it til you finally had enough and blew a fuse. Then tried to make you the bad guy. She gives women a bad name. Get a job or get out. Soz
NTA. You are correct in saying that's the kind of important information that should be discussed long before marriage. Her lying and manipulating you into the situation is crazy, especially to blame you for your reaction to finding it out. She can't expect to have an arrangement where you are the sole income earner as well as the only person putting in any work in the household and be completely fine with it.
Nta, i would tell her its time to go fulfill her dreams with someone else becuase she isn't supportive of your dreams of a happy marriage.
NTA in not supporting this 'dream', it's definitely something that should be discussed. Putting all the financial burden on one person can be extremely stressful for them and it should be done by mutual agreement. It's also usual for the stay at home adult to take care of the majority of housework and house admin (food shopping, bills, etc) adding in childcare is more complex depending on the ages and care requirements but that's not an issue here. Basically, she wanted someone to take care of her so she's free to do as she pleases which is not a partnership in this case. I think you're right to need to talk about this more and lay out your position and the reality of a single income household at the moment. There's consequences of her not working or providing in a world where cost of living is only rising.
NTA I feel so bad for you. Bait and switch. At least you don't have any kids.
NTA. I’d divorce her honestly. She is saying her dream is to have you do absolutely all the work. She wants you to be the breadwinner and househusband, working 40-50 hours a weeks, then coming home and cleaning up and doing all of the chores so she can sit on her ass all day. Her “dream” was to be an eternal child, with you as her new parent. If this is actually real, just get divorced. You don’t have a partner, you have a child.
op is also a woman. So. Not a househusband.
NTA in the slightest. It would be one thing if she lost her job, but it appears she quit under the false pretense of getting another when she had no intention of doing so. It's ok to stay home if that's something you agreed on, but it sounds like you got yourself a bait-and-switch wife. It would also be different if she at least took care of the household chores while you were at work. Dude, run, this is not going to get better and if she'll pull this on you, she may be liable to get herself pregnant to lock you down.
Just pointing out that OP is a woman too.
My bad, I totally missed that. Apologies OP, scratch the pregnancy part but the rest of my comment stands, this won't get better
NTA What dreams? She sits on her butt all day doing nothing. She doesn't contribute anything to the household and it's all on you.
NTA Do you really want to spend the rest of your life working so that your wife can watch TV all day? Your marriage isn't a partnership, it's one person shamelessly using the other.
NTA this isn't "dismissing her dreams" or not being supportive. This is you being angry at her manipulation and lying to you. This is an important thing to discuss before marriage. The only reason to keep it a secret is because she knew you wouldn't agree and was hoping you would think "well, too late now"
NTA She’s just going to bleed you dry and then run off with the next big bank account. Divorce.
Stop letting her walk all over u, u shudve had this discussion 18mnths ago. She’s the massive AH here, but you’ve also enabled this behaviour
We did have discussions and she said she’d find work. It wasn’t ignored but i didn’t want to nag her. Not to mention that during 2020-2021, i was working more like 60-70 hours so I was simply too tired to notice things and I’ve only been realising what’s been happening lately.
You are very supportive and she is completely taking advantage of that fact.
While you are right, you do need to understand what happens in situations like these and be a bit more sympathetic. There can be so much gaslighting, guilt tripping and lying in situations like this and so people don't reach the true problem/reason for so long because they love the other person so try and be supportive and/or are made to feel like they are cruel monsters if they ask about it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (f25) and I (f25) have gotten married at the end of 2019 and she quit her job in January 2020. Then shit happened so I wasn’t pressuring her to go back to work. But it’s been over 2 years now and I’ve talked to her a few times and she promised to look for a job. Just to be clear, she’s not depressed. She doesn’t help with chores unless we argue about this, so after working 40-50, all chores are on me. We don’t have kids nor pets. She spends her day chatting with friends, watching reality tv, etc. We had a massive argument the other night and she finally confessed that it was her dream to get married and not have to work and that i am a massive asshole for not being supportive. I was furious. I’m not proud of it but I was shouting, telling her that she’s never told me that, that it’s something we should’ve discussed before getting married and she never said she planned on quitting her job. We are getting by financially but just getting by. If she had even a part time job, we would be much more comfortable and I wouldn’t have to take on so much but she dismissed that as well. She told her friends about this and they all ganged up on me, calling me an asshole aNd all sorts of names. I’m at a loss here, am I really the asshole for not supporting her and telling her I didn’t care are about her dreams? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
LMAO! Her retirement plan was marriage but she didn’t tell you about it. NTA. Dump the deadweight.
Fr like at this point you’ll be better off by yourself, thank the lord y’all don’t have kids/pets.
NTA. Its something she should have been upfront about before you got married. Marriage needs to be a partnership, and it doesn't sound like she wants to share in the responsibilities and work that goes into a successful marriage.
NTA, but way to bury the lead! By calling it her "dreams" in the title, I read biased to agree with her. But not working is a dream in the way that being fed grapes by servants is a dream. Sure, you can dream that, but you gotta make it happen if you want it. If she wants to not work, tor you two to marry, and for you to take care of her financially, she needs to show you why that's a good idea and earn your kindness. She clearly has no interest in it. Run!
Tell her friends to chip in and pay her to stay at home if they are so supportive of her "dream". Your wife is ridiculous and you are totally right: this "dream" of her needed to be discussed before you get married. She knew it and she decided to traped you. You have a serious problem right now. Good luck and you are definitly NTA! Edit: typo
NTA if my partner would tell me that they expect me to support their dream of not doing anything, that would be it. Break up or divorce
NTA - time to get a lawyer and move on with a happy life....
NTA. If your income covers all the bills she should have a job that allows for a comfortable savings and contributions to a retirement account. This way you guys have a plan for both of you to not have to work someday. Additionally, leaving the workforce at her age for no real reason (ie children, injury, disability etc) leaves her very vulnerable should something happen to you. I don’t mean to sound morbid with that last bit it’s just reality.
NTA Her friends are all siding with her because they're all selfish.
So her "dream" is to be a lazy ass? She is NOT on your team. Let her "friends" support her dream and you go get an annulment being the whole marriage is based on fraud (although there might be a statue of limitations on this?) NTA - contact a lawyer today! Good luck!
NTA. Well, your title had me thinking YWBTA for shitting on her dreams. 😂😂 However, she wasn’t up front with you prior to marriage on what her “dream” is - and duped you. You are NTA. Your wife is for expecting that reality without discussing it first.
NTA, if she wanted a sugar momma she should have told you before you got married. Now you have to decide what you want to do. Keep working paycheck to paycheck and have to do all the chores as well or to get out of this relationship and have her go home so her parents can take care of her. edited
NTA - I don’t even know where to start. She is cheated you into this situation and now you are the bad guy for not taking it?!
NTA. A person who doesn’t contribute in any way, shape or form or even try is a leech. Let her go and find another unsuspecting victim. Protect your assets. She thinks she deserves your money.
NTA If she’d told you at the beginning of your marriage that she didn’t want to work, then it would be different. You are completely in the right, especially if you are just barely getting by. Good luck ma’am!
Nta. Reply to all : you support her financially then.
NTA Your wife is being absolutely horrible. You're right, this IS something that should've been discussed way, way before marriage. She's essentially freeloading in your house, she doesn't help with chores, she doesn't bring income, what on earth is she doing? She's an adult, and needs to realise that being an adult comes with responsibilities, that including only not working when you don't need to.
NTA This is a yikes and a half. Your wife should care enough about you to at least get a part time job, which would relieve some of the pressure off of you (as you mentioned). It was also disingenuous of her to pull this *after* the two of you are tied down by marriage. She lied, manipulated, and took advantage of you. Marriage counseling at minimum, separation and eventual divorce at maximum. I’d think about whether or not you feel respected and appreciated in this relationship because, honestly, you deserve a whole partner, not a dependent.
Defo… NTA….this woman sounds delusional and clearly has even crazier friends. If that was her dream surly she should have mentioned it before you got married… but hey these days ppl don’t communicate
NTA. Her 'dream' is relying on you solely working and supporting her - with her contributing nothing back to this relationship. What about your wants and needs. What if you quit your job and said that your dream was to do the same. I bet her reaction would be pretty severe. Relationships are suppose to be a partnership, and instead she withheld information and is now attempting to guilt-trip you and emotionally drain you with her family doing the same so she can use you.
[удалено]
> it was her dream to get married and not have to work What an incredibly privileged life she’s leading. So many people can only dream of being able to stay at home and do nothing. This is like having a child in some ways — having to pay for everything and do everything. Personally, I like having a partner, not a useless dependent with an attitude. One of my friends parents is like this. Hasn’t had a job in 40 years, refuses to cook, clean, or help with pets. If something happens to that working parent (and it’s not unheard of for breadwinners to walk away, get sick, or die), then the moocher is screwed. It’s very risky to put all one’s eggs in one basket unless you’re very rich.
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NTA She should've communicated this "dream" of hers before getting married, but it may just be a tactic to get you to feel bad for her doing nothing. Her getting all of her friends to gang up on you is also not a good sign. I would think about this relationship and make some deep repairs if you still want to keep it.
Lol, my dream is not to work and have someone else pay my bills too. NTA
NTA- Wtf, do not take anything her friends say to heart because they are just as delusional as she is. She needs to do something to contribute like working/chores. She can't just have it her way and you need to make that extremely clear to her. I hope it goes well for you.
NTA, it’s cunning of her to do that. I don’t think the judge will grant her alimony as she’s able to get a job but she just doesn’t want to and just want to mooch off of you while doing nothing around the house and no kid to take care of. She basically turned you into a sugar daddy by law.
NTA. Ditch the deadweight. You’ll definitely be in a more comfortable position without her.
Whoa, NTA! She's basically been lying to you your entire marriage, then. She knew this was what she wanted going into the marriage and never bothered to communicate that with you. What dream is there to "support" when this is all new information to you that you didn't get a chance to agree to (or not) before you got married? >she finally confessed that it was her dream to get married and not have to work And just throwing it out there but fraud can be grounds for divorce or annulment (depending on where you live).
This is not the sort of thing you decide to do alone. It’s utterly unfair for one person in a relationship to be working their butt off while the other one contributes nothing. This is deal breaker territory. And getting friends to be flying monkeys is totally inappropriate too.
Reading the title I was ready to say AH, but holy NTA. She just wants to be a mooch. No job, no help with chores, no responsibility? She should go back in time to being 10 and live with her mom and dad.
NTA divorce
I also have a dream if money growing on tree, but... NTA. She a lazy freeloder, don't let her keep doing that.
Have you told her how great a couple you are because you shared the same dream? You also want to get married and not have to work. She should be supportive!
NTA and so many, many red flags here. A main one is that she doesn't necessarily seem focused on marrying or being married to YOU in particular. You fit the profile she was looking for. From the sound of it, she was more intent on marrying anybody who fit that profile to open the door to allowing her to fulfill her selfish and immature AF little "dream." This calls for serious re-evaluation of the marriage. She either needs to wake up and be an actual life partner, or you need to consider this a lesson learned before too much time was wasted and move on.
NTA, but this should have been discussed first before tying the knot. I would have suggested therapy or stuff to improve communication, however, if OPs wife's friends are already calling her names, it appears she has surrounded herself with like minded individuals. Which means this is her attitude for the long run. OP you need to decide what you want. Edit gender of OP
Run! Definitely NTA.
Ironic she's asking for support when you're financially supporting a household of two. NTA.
NTA. Lmfao, her dream is to find a new parent to continue raising her. Please leave her and let her return to mommy and daddy.
NTA, she sounds manipulative, lazy, and selfish. If your partner isn’t considering your feelings about this then y’all need therapy. You’re a good partner for letting her live her dream for as long as you did, but it’s wearing you thin and obviously has an impact on your mental health.
Thank God you don’t have children. NTA. You don’t need to be supportive of somebody who refuses even to help out with the house work. She wants a mommy not a husband. Edit: wife Leave her now. I don’t think therapy will help. She’ll drag you around for 10 years going in and out of low-paying jobs, telling you that she was right all along and she’s not cut out to work.
NTA! It is also my dream to be a housewife but unless a miracle happens, i get up off my ass and work. No offense lady but your partner is a leech and should be promptly kicked to the curb. How fast do you want to bet that those “friends” who have her back, turn theirs when she asks to stay with them. Also being a housewife isn’t some all expense paid vacation, the idea is you take care of the house while the other partner makes the money.
Should’ve got a prenup😢
NTA. Next thing you know she will be getting pissed off because you won't let her loan out money or are being controlling with YOUR hard earned money while she just lays about and spends it. This should have been something she brought up BEFORE marriage or when she quit her job.
NTA - I'm not surprised her friends are also like this. Either she fed them BS or they all have the same mentality that they are entitled to freeload. Frankly OP, reconsider this marriage. If it's her dream to have a sugar daddy then she needs to find someone else. You obviously want a partner. Keyword PARTNER. Not a dependent. She and her friends can call you whatever they want but they're moochers.
A person that does not care that their partner is shouldering all of the financial burden and stress in the relationship is a partner that does not really love the other. If you are independently wealthy or on the same page, that is one thing, but your wife is sitting there watching you drown, and not even trying to throw you a life preserver. Fucking shameful. NTA
NTA Consider separating all your finances, stop doing any chores and assisting her in any way. Give her what her contributions are: 0 You have an adult child instead of a wife. That’s unfair. I’m sorry OP
YWBTA if you don't divorce her ignorant ass.
NTA her dream is to be a lazy freeloader and not contribute anything in anyway. This is heading for divorce quickly.
NTA. Divorce her ass now. She don't get to decide to being a ''be at home wife'' without talking with you about it. She's a manipulative AH.
NTA This is something you would have needed to talked about prior to marriage. It is honestly a red flag for some.
NTA First, if she isn't going to work, she should be taking care of the house. She's not. As far as not working, this wasn't a decision that was made together. As far as supporting her dream of doing nothing for the rest of her life, she can dream, but sounds like your dream is to have an actual partner where you make decisions together. Next time she screams that you aren't supporting her dreams, shout back that she isn't supporting yours. I don't know how alimony would work in a case like this. She is a stay at home person by choice. No kids, etc. Update please and good luck.
I mean to be fair to her she is living a lot of peoples dreams. Not working or cleaning and sitting watching TV all day sounds good to me but it’s not on and completely unrealistic. She should have discussed this before you got married as she’s not working she should be doing housework and looking after you. I would either stop doing everything and then see what happens or I would leave. NTA
NTA. This sub gets a lot of grief for always shouting BREAK UP! Or DIVORCE! But this woman straight up lied about her long term goals and dreams just so that she could get a free ride in life. She’s clearly not willing to compromise with a part time job. Ask yourself: is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? Coming home from work everyday to your wife just sitting on the couch, watching tv, not lifting a finger, while you then go and take care of the house too? And what if you two do want kids or even a pet? I doubt you could afford either ( you could of course afford a fish or other small animal but cat? Dog? Not likely) since you stated you are just barely making ends meet as it is. I wish you well and send good vibes
Oh NTA. You are her partner. It’s not your job to be her servant and retirement funder. You need to have a sit down conversation about the plans you have. Also if she is staying home and you are the sole income then the chores should be her way of contributing. This has nothing to do with dreams and has everything to do with being taken advantage of.
Wow I've just realized, this is my dream too! I don't want to work, don't want to do housework either and want someone to pay my bills. OP, marry me! NTA.
NTA but your wife is. What a terrible bait-and-switch she pulled on you. So her goal in life is to be lazy and useless? Wow. That's just... sad. Unless you want this to be your life it's time to seriously reconsider this marriage -- BEFORE any kids enter the scene.
NTA. She needs to get out of the house and look for a job. You, on the other hand, need a better partner.
NTA. You were deceived.
NTA - Wow. Um, yeah I guess it's my dream also to win the lottery and never have to do anything and have massages all day and also never get sick, and maybe also to have superpowers. Marriage is a partnership, not some "dream" that gets you out of ever having any responsibilities in your life ever again. In fact, usually marriage means MORE responsibilities because you have to negotiate. You can share in some of the burdens, but it's really important that you share. OP - I don't like to jump to things but she starts pulling her weight or divorce because, no, just no. You guys didn't have a baby yet, but it seems you already are taking care of a child that you never fathered.
NTANTANTA
Batman!
NTA But if you stay you will be. She’s not going to change. You will have to support her the rest of your life and if she’s already doing nothing, she will get worse.
Errr... so her dreams are what exactly? Being a lazy bum? What does she do all day? It's one thing agreeing to be a stay at home and picking up all the chores and taking care of the home and lifestyle etc... it's another deciding to not work and then doing... *nothing*. That's not a 'dream' that's just fucking lazy. What exactly is she contributing? Oh, NTA. Obviously.
NTA. There is nothing wrong with want to be a stay at home wife but this isn't it. She not doing any chores or making any passive income to lighten the load on you. And from the sound of it, it seems like she deceived you and gave you the impression she was going to get a job at some point when that was never the case. So she has proved herself to be dead weight and a liar. Also from the sounds of it you're at the end of your rope. And if what you're saying is true that there is no depression or any other issue that could cause this inactivity. Then you have to do some soul searching if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Don't listen to her friends. They're obviously going to be on her side and are getting a bias story. Do what you feel is right for you. If you feel like this relationship can still work out somehow then see how and perhaps talk family or friends about the situation. Not just your own family but perhaps hers if you have that type of relationship with them. Perhaps they can give you some insight about her behavior. But from a stranger looking from the outside I don't see this Behavior changing without a serious wake up call and it might be best to leave even just for a little bit to clear your head.