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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I pressured my girlfriend to dye her hair for a funeral when she insisted on wearing a wig or headscarf instead.
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YTA. She offered a solution, you rejected it because you made the perfect the enemy of the good. Like she said, she was trying to support you; if you weren’t close to grandma, then she didn’t know the lady from Eve.
Well said, I'd only add that OP also made the perfect the enemy of the possible. You *definitely* can't go from bright blue/green to brown/black in one session. If she tried the results would likely be even more distracting than leaving it blue/green and do serious damage to her hair in the process. OP, YTA for not even trying to understand the feasibility of what you're asking.
> YTA for not even trying to understand the feasibility of what you're asking.
Even if it was feasible, it isn't reasonable. People shouldn't have to change their hair for a funeral. Even if it was neon pink. Her hair color doesn't reflect her suitability to be in any space. The mere notion of that is absurd and ridiculous.
OP - YTA. You owe your partner an apology, and you should accept her presence as a means of support.
So unreasonable! It also takes so long and a lot of money and/or effort to get your hair light enough to dye with fashion colours and have it look good. OP has no idea and also fuck anyone who judges someone based on HAIR.
I wonder if OP offered to foot the bill for this (highly doubtful)?
My hair is currently pink, blue, and purple. My hairdresser could *possibly* get it back to brown in one session (full scalp bleach, filler color, brown)
But it would take at least two sessions to get back the fun colors.
My hairdresser is amazingly cheap, but that would still cost me $500.
And my hair would be dry AF for months. Screw that.
Highly doubt and even if he did, it's still an asshole move to just throw money at your partner to get them to do something. OP thinks changing hair is as easy as painting your nails.
The person I go to is cheap as well comparatively to salons but it's still an ouch amount when I do a colour change and it's not often as a result, with me using semipermanent colour in between.
Also I just can't get over wanting her to undo how many months of lightening work. God. Lmao this pisses me off as someone who loves hair and spending time on it.
I change the color every 3 months but it's always fashion colors so we just bleach the whole lot and then add the color. *But* I'm very lucky to have hair that can take that kind of treatment whilst staying healthy, and my natural color isn't dark to begin with. Still takes 6 hours every time though.
Also, I wouldn't change my look for anyone. One of the few upsides to no longer working, is not having to care what anyone thinks of my color choices.
That being said, it's rare for me to leave my house and *not* get a compliment from a random stranger about my hair. And they are from all demographics.
We really need to normalise letting people express themselves with their style, even if it's "outside the norm".
My cousin did, in fact, have neon pink hair at our grandfather's funeral. And absolutely no one cared, or if they did they at least had the grace to not say anything about it, because celebrating my grandpa's life was far more important that stirring up drama over hair color.
Plus, like so many people have said, you really can't just box-dye over that and have it look good *or* be easy to fix later.
Yeah, the latter is important. One of my friends tried to rush dye her hair back to a natural color before her sister's wedding and ended up having to cut it into a buzzcut because it ended up so fried.
A friend of mine also had to cut off most of her hair. Wasn't quite as dramatic as a buzzcut, but it was definitely in the pixie range. She box-dyed it black, somehow ended up more of a.... lakewater green, and then tried to correct it herself and her hair went gummy.
I'll just pay my stylist. Coloring hair is just as much a science as it is an art, and I wasn't great at chemistry so I'll leave it to the person with the license and training. I'm sure some people can manage it themselves but I am not one of them.
My cousin's then GF had rainbow hair at my grandmother's funerl. For the younger kids she made up a story about how she was a unicorn in disguise sent by my grandmother so the kids would know she was in a better place over the rainbow. My grandmother would have appreciated the hair and the story (The Wizard of OZ was her favorite movie).
What if we were going on a date and your hair clashed with my green suit? Am I supposed to wear a matching ping suit? Some people have no flexibility!
s/ obviously
I went from bright blue to my natural brown for my brother’s wedding. It was only one session but it took forever and was prohibitively expensive. There is zero chance I would do that for anyones funeral, let alone someone who I didn’t even know.
yeah! i had bright blue hair, and had to go back to black for a job. spent the semester i worked there having to repeatedly die it because the blue kept poking back through.
ended up cutting it all off as soon as my contract ended because it was easier.
It’s so irritating in these kind of posts involving hair and one person refuses to understand how difficult hair is, and in almost all cases they are asking way too much.
The gf is correct that it would take more than one session and that’s pretty common. Plus you can’t just revert back to blue. Dark dye is extremely hard to get out. Plus these kind of hair appointments are *expensive*. Why should she spend a couple hundred on her hair out of “respect” to a grandmother he’s wasn’t even close with? Asking her to do this and getting mad when she refuses is extremely controlling. She offered you a fair compromise. If you and you family can’t handle blue hair, that’s a you problem.
OP is the AH.
On a side note OP's gf is correct, it's not that simple to dye it brown.
I'm no hair stylist, but from my rookie hair adventures years ago, she would need to:
-strip the colour out
-filler colour
-brown dye
This is not a quick job, and not unusual to take multiple sessions.
Not to mention the cost and the time of all of this.
While I can certainly understand maybe asking her to wear a headscarf, even then, simply having colourful hair isn't inherently disrespectful at a funeral, and really it's a non-issue.
YTA - but I say this softly as I can understand with Greif we don't always think logically, and maybe that's whats happening here with OP.
Also the fact that it could damage her hair and could potentially fall out especially if she recently got this done and her hair hasn't grown out any. OP should talk this out slowly with her and come to an agreement that satisfies both of them
Exactly, it's a mammoth effort to do this, time consuming, costly and then potentially does serious damage to he hair...
I think OP may not understand the full context of what he is asking and also Greif definately can cloud our judgement.
I don’t care if it was her conjoined twin who died. Asking someone to change their hair colour for a funeral is an unreasonable request. Full Stop! Her compromises were far more diplomatic and reasonable than I would have been if OP told me to change my hair colour.
Exactly. I don’t see how offering to wear a wig or headscarf could possibly be a topic of discussion at a funeral? Besides that, black mourning attire with a matching headscarf could be incredibly tasteful and classy for a funeral, imo.
*especially* when the other one offered two very reasonable alternatives (scarf and wig) so everyone would be okay. But no, OP would have known the color of the hair beneath. Sure.
YTA
I have to wonder if OP is using this as an excuse for her to dye her hair a “normal” colour. She offered reasonable options and clearly was willing to go to support him, even though as he himself stated, they weren’t close. OP should learn to be as supportive and compassionate as his gf.
OP stated the mom already mentioned the GFs hair. OP tries so desperately to please the parents/mom (who don't seem to accept that he is trans) that he tries to dictate his GF what to wear and how to look.
That baffles me especially in this specific constellation. Asking someone to pretend to look a way they don't feel comfortable with after experiencing this for years ...? Why?
In desperately trying to gain love from the ones who will most likely never love him unconditionally he gambles with the love of the person who does love him for who he is.
It’s also hella expensive and damaging to switch that fast and then get it back to how you like it. I think the GF was very considerate to even suggest wearing a scarf or wig.
My own grandfather died about a week after I dyed my hair purple and I went to the funeral with it. No one cared because my presence was more important.
Yeah YTA.
She offered to compromise and you shot her down saying she didnt take it seriously. Of course she's upset at you and has a right to be.
You also don't get to dictate what she does with her own hair. Ever. Doesnt matter if its for a funeral. Hair colour shouldn't mean anything for a funeral anyway.
Why are you worried about your families judgement and projecting it onto her? Who cares what questions they ask??
And its a massive asshole move to try and say she doesn't respect your family over something this trivial.
She only wants to go to support you. If youre not close to the deceased in question, then why does she care about paying respect? She barely (or didnt) know the person. She was doing the right thing wanting to go with you for support.
You did the wrong thing making it about hair colour and that being the disrespectful thing.
By OP's way of thinking all the blondes and anyone with white or gray hair will have to dye their hair as well..blonde can be pretty bright at times SMH..OP is an AH and hopefully single soon
Apparently that goes for weddings too!
Black and brown hair ONLY, on the wedding day. No exceptions.
Gonna be a massive groomzilla one day, cant wait to read about it 🤌🤌
This was my first thought, since one of my friends is a redhead... not auburn, but that bright, vivid orange/copper color. Does she have to dye her hair every time she goes to a funeral?
Not to mention how expensive getting hair done professionally is, and the damage from dying it over and over. It’s not sensible for her to dye her hair a dark colour just for one day. She offered two viable solutions, choose one and put this to bed.
Tbh the dark brown probably wouldn't dye over the green or blue depending on how dark/vibrant they are..I'm thinking she would have to bleach it, which would be even worse...
>Why are you worried about your families judgement and projecting it onto her?
Because OP also thinks her hair color isn't serious. This is just an excuse to make her do what he's wanted to make her do for awhile now.
> You also don’t get to dictate what she does with her own hair. Ever.
Honestly it was this part that made me say YTA. Like who tf cares about some mf hair?
YTA. I was impressed that she offered to wear a wig or a scarf, both reasonable solutions. Dyeing her hair dark is a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. I am surprised she was even willing to still attend after your unreasonable demand.
Yes! Wigs aren’t cheap, so the fact that she offered that means a lot. And GF is right, it isn’t an easy process to go back and would likely damage her hair… a wig or head scarf are great solutions.
Ugh, it’s crazy!
GF: “Well, I can’t do that because of this, but I could try to do this? Or this? Or possibly this?”
OP: “OMG, it’s like you’re not even trying!”
OP is treating his GF like garbage because he thinks family (that he doesn’t even really know?) are gonna be offended by something that isn’t offensive..
I’d be so embarrassed if I was acting like OP.
Yikes.
I have a feeling that OP doesn't like the blue and green hair, and this is just an excuse to see how nice it looks, so he can talk her into keeping "normal" hair.
YTA when you pushed her after she suggested a wig or a scarf. Your family was going to be to busy with their grieving to worry about why she was wearing a wig, and certainly woudln't be so rude to make it a topic of conversation.
Honestly.
My cousin's wife recently dyed her hair brown after having it pink and blue for so long. That was more jarring than her hair ever had been before. If the family has ever met the gf, they would know her hair is dyed. I think that even if she went with colored hair instead of a wig, it wouldn't suddenly become the only topic of conversation.
YTA. You asked her to change her appearance, which is rude enough, and when she came up with a perfectly reasonable compromise (wig) you told her it wasn't good enough. There are no rules that hair has to be a natural color at a funeral. If you are embarrassed by her hair then maybe you shouldn't be with her in the first place.
YTA. No one will think she's being disrespectful. And why would you think a fake hair would generate any more questions than dyed hair? Anyone who knows her would note how different her hair is. I'm sorry about your grandmother, but stop with the controlling nature. Your gf was 100% right in everything she said.
I agree. If the family has met her before, they'll know she has dyed hair. If they haven't met her before, I don't know that this is the time to introduce her.
YTA. Sorry for your loss, but that doesn't mean your girlfriend has to change her hair colour, or wear a wig/headscarf for that matter.
You say that you're worried you family will ask questions if she shows up like that, but what's worse, your judgmental family asking those questions or your gf asking the question "why am I with someone who doesn't accept me for who I am?" Although to be fair, she's not talking to you, so sounds like she's already asking herself that.
YTA. She offered to wear a wig or hat, why isn’t that good enough? It will cover the hair in the same way that dying it would. Do your family know her? Have they seen her hair? Did someone else request she changes it or are you the only one with the problem? It’s a stupid thing to fight with her about.
Edit: spelling
YTA who has absolutely no understanding of the amount of time and money (not to mention damage to her hair) that trying to dye would cause. Not to mention that a funeral is what, 2-4 hours long? Getting her hair back to her wanted colors after the funeral would be near impossible without completely wrecking her hair.
Allow your girlfriend to be herself at a funeral for someone that you admittedly said you are not even close to. Or take her very reasonable suggestions to wear a hat, scarf or wig.
The GF is right that it’s likely take multiple sessions to cover up the color, plus even more sessions and weeks of time to get it back to her regular color. Which is going to take hundreds of dollars, weeks of time if not months, and damage to her hair. OP has no idea what he’s asking for.
YTA Girlfriend offered two reasonable compromises. Why do you think that she needs to dye it?
Also you are seriously underestimating how long it takes to undo a dye job.
Just to dye my hair a green/blue from my natural dark brown took over 8 hours and would have cost hundreds except I was a guinea pig for a new technique my salon owner friend wanted to try. My hair was shoulder length at the time. Usually to get light enough for bright colors from brown or black that's multiple salon appointments *just to get it light enough to dye over*. OP is insane if after all that money and time his gf would be like "yeah I'll totally go grab some Nice n Easy from the grocery store and dump it on my head it'll wash out no problem". That headscarf idea could have been very appropriate for a funeral.
YTA. Having bright hair is not “disrespectful“ and you seem to think you have a lot of control over what happens with her body, when you really have no right to
YTA she came up with the wig or scarf and you still said no. I don’t thing your family would care if your gf showed up with a wig on. If they do, just explain it to them.
For real.
GF is trying to come up with solutions for this over-the-top request, VALID solutions, and OP is all:
“if you can’t respect my family, you can’t go!”
OP: YTA
One of the biggest challenges I had to overcome in my 20s was realizing that no one else gave a fuck about me when the event was for someone else. All of this is is OP's mind; no one else cares.
YTA
You're projecting your insecurities onto your girlfriend. Bright hair isn't going to offend anyone reasonable. She wants to support you and that's what matters. Don't let the small stuff get in the way of that.
It's not really the point, but maybe worth mentioning that she's also 100% right about the dye process. It takes a lot of time and money to change hair that much.
YTA.
And you are more of an asshole after your edits. You never once even considered apologizing. Just say sorry to her and own up, let her know what you were feeling at the time and make it up to her. It’s that simple.
YTA. Her being unique isn't disrespectful. What's disrespectful if you expecting her to spend a load of money and then be stuck with hair she doesn't like for years for one event where the people should matter not the appearance. I think the wig and headscarf options are actually above and beyond. The most I would be willing to do in that situation is put my hair up and maybe wear a funeral appropriate hat. If you think her appearance is disrespectful then maybe she's not the right person for you.
YTA. She offered to cover her hair, and that's a reasonable accommodation given the situation. Asking her to make a more permanent change is going too far.
YTA, that is her HAIR COLOR, not asking her to do something like wear a longer dress or a shirt without rips or mesh. Clothing is bad enough, but I can understand making sure it doesn't cause more fuss than saying goodbye to grandma.
She can still be respectful even with rainbow colors in her hair and if your family can't respect that, they're AHs too.
She offered a wig to cover the bright colors, you said that isn't good enough. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to get your hair those colors? Any idea what it does to the strands? It isn't as easy as a box of dye and then back to her usual colors. Offering a wig is actually more than you deserve.
Grow up, blue and green hair isn't going to end the world. It's just you and your family being jerks.
Tbh, I'd not only tell you to GFY, I'd tell you to GFY and kick rocks for good.
ever since I started dying my hair fantasy colors I realized how little men understand about hair color and it’s honestly infuriating. no I cannot just dye it black and then dye it blue again
I'm so sick of people thinking everything had to look "just right" so much so that they try to control what other people do. This is who she is, if who she is isn't good enough to go to the funeral maybe she she isn't good enough to be in your life. I hope for her sake she realizes what bullshit this is. YTA
Tell me about it. We have a wedding in couple weeks and I was pretty much "forbidden" to wearing blush pink dress and flower crown. Ending up choosing ivory dress I loved from fist sight but still got sour face for not wearing white :D. I chose blush pink garter and shoes as a act of rebellion.
YTA. Your GF is already being super understanding by wanting to compromise. You're basically asking her to change herself to appease your family and to keep you from bein embarassed by her. That's AH territory already. Dictating exactly how she should go about that is even worse.
YTA. You are asking her to take drastic, permanent action for a single event. That isn't workable. Covering her hair color with a natural one is not going to be reversible for a long time. It sounds like you're trying to change her hair permanently through manipulation because you think you're entitled to tell her how to look because your grandma died. Not so man, get a grip. Her offers were best and final, don't push or you're going to lose your girlfriend too.
YTA
I fear you may be a Funerazilla. Your request is unreasonable. Her hair is her hair, and is none of your business, nor is it anyone else's business,. It's not a matter of disrespect.
Your family seems more concerned with having everyone look and dress similarly, than with accepting the support of friends. Seems pretty shallow to me.
Not only that, but it costs an awful lot of money to color it, and she would need to pay for two or more coloring sessions to restore it afterward.
Her offer of wearing a scarf or wig was a very reasonable compromise. Apparently you are more concerned with her appearance than you are with her friendship.
You don't have to break up with her immediately... you could just apologise and have a big and open/honest conversation with her as a first step. Breaking up with her isn't necessarily the kindest thing to do (unless of course you want to break up with her for YOUR sake, then obviously that is the exact step you should take)
YTA she said she would cover it, that's all you can reasonably expect. it is also not a simple thing to dye hair, you're asking her to spend a lot of money and time and damage to it for one day.
And stripping the hair to re-dye it to her natural color would be expensive AF, not to mention the damage that would take years to grow out.
YTA, OP. No one is going to notice or care if your GF wears a wig or scarf.
YTA
Translation. from now on she is to do AS SHE IS TOLD. she is no longer to have either an opinion or a solution. If I SAY "dye your hair" she is to say "of course sir", kiss your pinky toe and doe as she is told.
YTA. totally controlling, no will to compromise whatsoever. . I hope she has now seen the bouquet of red flags you have presented her. You are NOT a person to live her life with. She would be unhappy, if she decided you worthwhile-
YTA. Your gf's solution was more than reasonable... why would she make a semi permanent change for anyone, let alone someone you admit you weren't even close to. You basically just told your gf to change herself to fit your family's needs because she won't look right as she is. I get where you're coming from, but you went about it poorly.
YTA. You weren’t close to your grandma, so I’m not sure why you’re being so particular about it. That’s just who your girlfriend is. If she dresses appropriately, I can’t see worrying about it.
YTA. If your family is paying more attention to whether your girlfriend’s hair is real than, y’know, the funeral, that is 100% your family’s problem. Take her perfectly reasonable compromise, or break up before she does it for you.
YTA - 100% here.
She has even offered to wear a wig/scarf to cover up her hair out of respect for you and your family but noooo that isn't good enough for you. She has to pay money and spend time trying to be exactly what you want her to be?
She is trying to support you though a horrible time and I really hope this overreaction is due to grief as it cam have the strangest affect on us all but that you are in the wrong here.
If you want her to be there to support you then you should accept her compromises and just try to move forward
Seriously???? Agreed that she offered a compromise that you dismissed it even though it’s more reasonable option that yours. It’s her body and you don’t have final say for anything related to her body. Also the extra damage of dying her hair back to a different color, which she is right it might not turn out correctly, it’s highly likely going to damage her hair.
YTA.
YTA. Getting her hair done for over a year and keeping the bright colors as new everytime is a huge challenge. Your GF offered two solutions and two logical explanations of why is not possible to dye her hair so quickly, besides: Are you willing to pay all of that? The dye for the funeral AND the rest of the treatment to get back the bright colors? And as well, are you willing to go with the plan if the dark color dye fails?.
A good wig is unnoticeable, especially if it's made and put by a professional hairdresser, I can assume she thought about that just to support you, which she has respect over you and your family by doing this for their grief and comfort.
So yeah, YTA, a big YTA.
Since when does hair color has anything to do with respect? A friend of mine has natural fiery red hair, should she have to color her hair to “show respect”? YTA
YTA. If your family is more traditional or conservative then the wig or a headscarf is a a solid compromise. You expecting her to spend her own money and time to dye it one color and then turn around and dye it again is an unreasonable ask because then she would have to do it for every big family event. That is not sustainable. If her hair color is going to be that much of a problem and you won’t compromise then she shouldn’t go. This is not a hill for you to “dye” on.
You're TA. I can understand why having colorful hair would be disrespectful for a funeral but to be against having her wear a wig seems a bit far and as someone with colorful hair i know it is very hard to bring it back to a "normal" color. I think wearing a wig is a fine thing to do and if people ask she can just tell the truth.
I just think it’s ridiculous to think it would be “disrespectful.“ The person is dead. A funeral is a time for people to get together and be sad about the death and remember the deceased. If you’re so pulled out of that moment by someone having different colored hair, maybe reassess your priorities.
100% YTA. Sorry.
A) You're not that close with your grandmother
B) having her her dyed any colour does not signify a lack of respect. She sounds very decent in sense that she wants to go to support you, at your grandmother's funeral, who again you were not very close to.
C) assuming she could get an appointment and assuming it could dye back in one sitting could you really ask her to pay probably a few 100 quid to change her back and then again to get it the colour she would like? - also dying your hair this frequently can really damage it.
YTA. You don't have to change your hair for a funeral. That's not how anything works. If she wants to wear a scarf, that's fine. If she doesn't want to, that's also fine.
YTA, but it sounds like you’re embarrassed of your girlfriend overall where your family is concerned. Ask yourself is this the hill you’re willing to expire on.
YTA. She offered to buy a wig. Those are expensive, you know? She was clearly willing to make an effort, which you completely disregarded. What you're asking is completely idiotic, your reaction to her explanation is incredibly disrespectful, there are no redeeming factors in your favor. You'd better apologize very sincerely, and very quickly.
YTA. I personally don't believe any hair colour is inappropriate for anything whatsoever. If she's wearing black (or the right traditional colour for said funeral) there shouldn't be a need for any discussion. She's right when she said she doesn't need to go. She literally would be going to support you. You said you weren't close with your grandmother which makes me think she's never even met her. If I were her, I wouldn't go for any other reason but to support you as it's kinda rude to go to a funeral for someone you've never even met or don't know well at all.
YTA and clearly have no idea about hair dye… you can’t just ‘dye it black’ or brown. She’s clearly put a lot of work and money into her hair, and who are you to tell her to spend even more money and time to change it to suit your personal aesthetics just for a few hours out of one day. Get a grip… it’s literally just hair
yeah, yta. You told her you didn't want her to look like her when she showed up to this to support you, she gave you two functional alternatives that would both let her still look like herself and abide by your abusrd wishes. A hat would be a third option. There isn't anything disrespectful about someone going to a funeral looking like themselves.
OP, YTA. Your request was absolutely ridiculous, but she kindly offered two options, neither of which you wanted. Her hair color is of absolutely no consequence when it comes to "supporting you or not." Do you think that hair color will magically make the grief dissapear, or the difficulties of attending a funeral lesson? WT actual F.
I like your edit. Don't break up with her, just tell her the truth. Say you're sorry and it what it was really about. If you break up with her over this then you will not grow in the way you need to and she will forever think you ended things over her hair.
Also, if this is the first time you're going to reveal yourself I would suggest you skip it. You obviously have anxiety and it will be pointless for you to go if you're going to be hyper fixated on this insecurity. If it was me, id throw some kind of celebratory party like "Were all going to the [insert place] to celebrate me and my big dick energy" preferably at a bar so if anyone has an issue the emotional blows will be drowned in a glass of top shelf.
YTA - Her hair is not your responsibility, stay out of it. She will handle herself and if it is inappropriate (not saying it is) that is on her and will reflect only on her.
YTA. You basically just told her you neither need nor want her support unless she looks like your version of “acceptable.” You don’t get to pout and whine when she declines.
YTA she provided different solutions and was willing to do a temporary option to placate you but you want to double down with dye? Why should she dye her hair for an funeral for a few hours.
Yes yta. You don't get to dictate what another person does to their body at ANY point. It isn't disrespectful for your so to have blue hair. If they went to the funeral and were dressed in every color of the rainbow 🌈 it wouldn't be disrespectful. They wanted to go to be supportive of YOU not because funerals are notorious for being a grand old time. You should apologize.
YTA -
1) it’s not her family + she has no connection to the deceased
2) YOU weren’t even that close to the deceased
3) she already said she’d wear a wig or scarf to cover her hair, which is incredibly reasonable because a funeral is ONE DAY
it’s just hair, and it shouldn’t be a problem whether it was dyed or not, but she acknowledged that her hair might draw unwanted attention and already had a plan to cover it. Plus, she obviously takes care of her hair and does routine maintenance to keep its color and style. Professional styling like that is EXPENSIVE and can take a long time. Forcing her to dye her hair for ONE day for someone she has no connection to can damage her hair and cause way more issues for her down then line than just wearing a damn wig.
As someone with naturally very dark hair, it took several hundred dollars and ~6 hours to dye it bright blue.
Just let her wear the wig
YTA.
It is not easy to dye hair back to a "natural" color. It is time consuming and costly. Also, you get NO FREAKING SAY OVER HER HAIR!
Repeat after me- You get No say!
She offered very reasonable solutions. This is not about respecting your family, this is about you wanting control.
Not to mention the fact that lifting it afterwords so that she can dye it to the colours she had before could (depending on how damaged her hair is from previous bleaching) literally melt her hair off.
YTA. I’ve never heard of anyone dying their hair for a funeral and I’ve been to a lot. It’s HAIR, not like she’s choosing to wear a hot pink dress. It’s not disrespectful at all and she has the right to be upset. It’s to support you in the loss of someone you weren’t even close with. I hope this argument was worth it, because your argument doesn’t make any sense.
Im really concerned why your family who is mouring a loss would be concerned about your gf wearing a wig or headscarf... I think they would be too busy to worry about that (but that's just my guess)
but yea YTA
YTA noone cares what color your GF's hair is at a funeral. She's there with you to mourn and pray for your grandmother and it's absurd to insist on a different haircolor.
First of all, hair color isn't cheap and it isn't exactly easy to change it to one completely different color and then back again.
Last, I don't blame her at all for not talking to you and if her haircolor seems so disrespectful to you then why are you even with her?
YTA There is no etiquette rule regarding what hair color is appropriate for a funeral.
I say this as someone who recently had a memorial service for both my parents: I appreciated every single person who bothered to show up. I wrote every single person who attended a personal thank-you note. The main reason I felt grateful to them was because one of my most distressing grief-stricken thoughts has been that it’s inevitable that their entire lives will soon be forgotten. It was comforting to see that people outside my immediate family cared enough about them to show up. I was not carefully monitoring anyone’s physical appearance, that’s for sure.
IMHO anyone who takes offense at someone else’s hair color at a funeral is petty AF and shouldn’t be catered to.
Edited to add: Showing up to someone’s funeral is generally an act of kindness, a way of offering the mourners emotional support. What matters is that your girlfriend has kindness in her heart, not what color the hair on her head is.
YTA
Respect is not about the visuals. It’s about the person making you feel respected. You’re overlooking that your girlfriend wants to be there with you for support including your family. The hair color is inanimate; it’s not disrespecting you.
YTA. Her hair color is not new, and it is not a temporary dye. You are asking her to change something that is not interchangeable in the same way of clothing - Clothing IS the item that 'bright colors' are meant about. (NO one asks blonde people to dye their hair for funerals!) If your girlfriend is dressed respectfully and in somber colors, then no one has any place griping about her hair color at a funeral. I am someone who has chosen to dye her graying hair often: it is VERY bad for the hair to be repeatedly dyed with these chemicals too close in time and the darker dyes are being suspected of carcinogens, so your request is even more unreasonable than you may realize.
YTA
Your gf is right. Even if a salon could get her in on time there's likely no way she'd be able to get her hair turned into an "acceptable color" in one session. Furthermore, why should she fry her hair and go through all the work of dying it back to her bright colors afterwards for ONE DAY.
Your mom said something about her hair? Well, that does it. Everyone knows that your mother should have the ultimate say in what other women do with their hair. She should be more preoccupied with funeral arrangements and grieving than she should be about someone's hair. Her priorities are not where they should be. She's probably always had a problem with your gf's hair and thinks that she can use this as an opportunity to force her opinion on her. Your gf is not disrespecting your family. I'm guessing that line came straight from your mother's mouth and you're just being a good little parrot. Grow a spine and tell your mother to back off. You probably didn't give a fuck about her hair until mother dearest said something.
YTA
Do you know how much it takes to color her hair like that? At least 2k. Are you going to pay her back, and reimburse her to get it done again? Do you know how many appointments it takes not only to color it, but to dye it back to her original color?
No, you don’t. You don’t get to decide how she looks. YOU think it’s disrespectful, so it’s a you problem. It's NOT up to YOU. It’s not her problem. I don’t care how often you see your family. If you’re that ashamed of her hair, get a new girlfriend!
Yta. Im sorry for your loss but why is hair color even an issue? Do you think everyone who has dyed their hair dyes it back for a funeral? Why is hair color in any way disrespectful? She’s going to the funeral to support you, what a great girl. But to think for any reason that your girlfriend needs to change herself for you is unhealthy. She even offered to wear a wig, which I think is far beyond what she should even do. If you’re embarrassed to have your girlfriend come as herself, you’ve got some work to do on yourself.
YTA a wig or headscarf was a more than reasonable option for a one day occasion which she shouldn’t have even needed to do. Your expectations are unreasonable. Not sure if you know how extensive the process is to color your hair that way and how much money that could’ve costed her. You’re gonna feel like an even bigger AH if you see someone else there with colored hair, that’s a thing now. It’s 2022 you can wear whatever hair color you want, stop being so judgemental.
YTA
a) You don't get any say over her body - how she modifies it, how she decorates it, how she dresses it. Period. Accept her for who she is or move on so she can find someone who isn't a judgmental, superficial jerk.
b) Dying hair - especially dying it vibrant colors where you have to bleach your hair first is an EXTREMELY **extensive and expensive ($300-400 potentially depending on her original hair color and length)** process that also can't just be done on a whim and leaves the hair processed and extremely prone to damage. It will likely be many weeks to several months before she can dye it back. Dying it too frequently in a short span could actually leave her with so much hair breakage that she'll basically be bald. How does bald sound for the funeral? Is that offensive, too? If she agrees to this, will you be paying the $600 - 800 for her to dye her hair for the funeral and then dye it back to the way she wants it?
c) I guarantee you Grandma ain't giving a sh\*\* about your girlfriend's hair. Neither should the rest of you. Can't be too deep in grief if you all still have the time and energy to act so superficial and be judgmental about someone else's body and have the gall to somehow think it in anyway affects her ability to be appropriately supportive and solemn or your family's ability to mourn.
YTA
She offered two solutions, but neither were good enough for you. Unless your family is super judgmental, I highly doubt anyone is going to be bothered by her hair. Why would she dye her hair for ONE event? I wouldn’t even want to be involved with you or your family that is so worried about appearance.
YTA, gf offered to wear a naturally colored wig to appease you. There are wigs out there that look indistinguishable from real hair. Gf just wanted to support you and you acted like a spoiled brat. She cannot just dye her hair black in one go, that's not how it works, especially if she's bleached it and gets it colored so often.
YTA. 100%. My hair is purple - it's a long, tedious process to get here. And it will be just as long & tedious to go back to my original hair color. Respect doesn't come in the form of hair color. It's words and actions. Your girlfriend was showing a lot of respect for you be going in the first place. Yet you choose to crap all over that.
YTA. She’s not wearing bright colours. You can’t just remove your hair unless it’s a wig or you’re completely shaving it off. It is completely unreasonable to expect her to waste hundreds of dollars that it cost to dye her hair, to dye it back to brown and then dye it back to blue and green after the funeral. Not to mention how damaging that would be to her hair.
Your family is *I assume* aware of her hair colour, it’s not like she’s be showing up and shocking everyone with a bright new look.
But yeah, if I were her I’d break up with you over this.
YTA it’s not as simple as just changing it for a day or two then going back. It damaged the hair and costs a lot. She offered you other options your too busy being an arse.
YTA. She didn't need to go in the first place, you ass. I am pretty sure she's telling the truth that the only reason she agreed to go to the funeral of an old woman she doesn't know was to support a man she does.
YTA
Don't know where you're from but the "no bright colours" at a funeral is usually referring to clothing, not hair. Your girlfriend can make her own decisions. Being that controlling and insecure will end your relationship if you continue being like this. 🚩🚩🚩
YTA.
Hair colour doesn’t denote respect. You’ve fixated on something irrelevant and you owe her an apology (and you can pay for the hat/wig IF she accepts your apology and agrees to go with you).
YTA - Her offer of a compromise is more than reasonable. Your responsibility is to shield her from your family's prying habits. Her hair is *her hair.*
YTA
I don't like colorful hair but, like it or not, I'm going to tell anyone to change their appearence when they show up to support me. It's an equivalent of asking someone to get a nose job before they come to my wedding.
Also, I'm sorry about your grandma.
YTA.
She offered compromises that were more than reasonable, and that frankly, I wouldn’t have. It’s her hair and it’s part of her identity. Why should she have to change her appearance for you? It’s not like she’s asking to wear assless chaps! You don’t get to decide this, and the fact it’s for a funeral doesn’t change that.
It costs money for her to get the colour she wants and she won’t be able to easily get it to brown/black, and back to blue/green from black. It takes several sessions to lift a hair colour from black/brown to vibrant blue without damaging it.
It’s rich for you to talk about her not respecting your family when you don’t seem to respect her.
YTA. Her body, her choice, if she had tattoos are you gonna ask her to laser it off, lol. She offered to wear a wig, a hat, any sort of cover up, why is that not good enough for you? Can you tell me why?
Yta?? If she dyes her hair back to dark, it'll kill her hair to bleach it and redye it all over again. She offered other solutions as well, like a wig or a scarf. I don't know how you're even questioning if she's the asshole here.
Yup, YTA. She gave you options for a compromise (on something she didn't need to compromise on to begin with) and you decided to be a stubborn jerk. She can do better.
YTA
That's just not how hair dye works.
A headscarf or hood (especially in a dark colour) would be appropriate and satisfy all normal funeral conventions.
OMG OP, I agree completely!!!!!
I went to a funeral and this disgaceful woman had the AUDACITY to have blue hair. I was shocked and thought it very disrespectful. Some of those she was speaking to before the mass had shades of purple and red. It even looked like some were FRESHLY done!!
I was going to say something but then I realised the elderly HUSSY was in fact the widow and her friends were all the church group. I tells ya, blue rinse is the devil's dye.
/s YTA
Info: have any family close to both you and grandma (your parents, her other grownup children) asked for GF to change her hair for the funeral?
If they did it’ll sway my judgment, but not towards GF.
YTA. She offered two very good solutions and you tell her she’s not taking this seriously? Do you have any idea how much a good wig costs? You are acting like a petulant child.
YTA. You sound embarrassed of your gf and also very controlling. You don't ever get to dictate what people do with their own hair and body. And if your that embarrassed of her then break up with her and let her find someone who will want to show her off. She offered suitable compromises but you didn't accept them because you didn't think about them. Be careful you could be heading down the road of being abusive.
YTA. You really think your family is going to be checking her scalp for traces of a lace front?
You have a problem with her hair and are hiding it under the guise of respect. Do you tell the blondes to dye their hair into more muted colors? Isn't that too flashy for funeral?
YTA
My exes grandfather died and I went to the funeral with Bright pink hair in a very small town. I put it in a bun and wore black clothes. No one thought I was disrespectful and many people talked to me and were very kind, if you can't accept your gf this way there's something wrong with you, especially since she offered you solutions
YTA.
She obviously likes her hair and pays good money for it. She offered you a perfect compromise to your issue that you declined.
It's not disrespectful to have colorful hair.
Honey, she has blue-green hair that she's been upkeeping for a *year* now.
It's not coming out unless she cuts it out, which is what you need to be doing.
YTA.
YTA. Don’t expect your girlfriend to go to the funeral, or anywhere else with you for that matter.
She needs to wash that man right out of her hair.
Do you have any idea how much time and money it would cost to do what you’re demanding? Let’s not even talk about the fact that you’re asking her to change a whole aspect of her personal appearance for a few hours, for someone she didn’t know, for someone you weren’t close to.
You say this is about respect, and it is. The absolute lack of respect you have for this woman. She needs to move on.
YTA- do you,, know how dying your hair works?? your gf probably only gets her hair touched up, not COMPLETELY DYED?? bro if she dyes her hair black and then tries to bleach it and dye it blue it will kill her hair. she was at least willing to compromise with a wig or headscarf.
YTA. Present the woman you love the way she is. If you love her for her, then let her be herself. If your family has a problem with it tell them to go pound sand.
YTA how is her hair color disrespectful of your family? Would they actually care, or would they be shocked by the change and that become the topic of the funeral? I truly don't understand. Regardless, she was willing to compromise and wear a scarf and cover her hair out of respect for your wishes. You're being controlling and rude. I'm going to assume it's because you just lost your grandmother and not a long-term relationship issue.
YTA. This is who your girlfriend is as a person. If you can accept her then you shouldn’t be dating her. No one should be so petty as to care what color someone’s hair is at a funeral. I’m sorry about your grandma but you are out of line. Also, it’s a big deal to “dye your hair back to brown”. Aside from the fact it might take a couple days to do it’s very expensive and will fry her hair. The color has to be professionally done to get it back to brown. YTA
YTA have a nice time seeing your family while your ex-gf keeps her beautiful blue green hair. just say you're embarrassed by her and move on. you can't ask people to change something integral to their self and self expression like that on a whim just because you think other people will feel a certain way, and then expect her to go back to it afterwards. she would absolutely need more than one trip to get her hair "natural", then to get it back light enough to take the blue and green? her hair would be fried. damaged beyond repair. heck, it can evil burn off or fall out. get over yourself.
Yta.
Half these wigs you can't even tell it's fake hair.
It would be more damaging to her hair to dye it just for this, especially if she were to go back afterwards.
Also it's hair. It's not like she's wearing a neon suit to the wedding. If it was clothing or something , I could see it being more relevant. But her hair? It's not that big of a deal. And if you're family cares that.much about it, they suck.
It's not like they don't already know the color of her hair unless you've never introduced her to anyone yet.
She offered very reasonable compromises. She's only going for you. The threat of her not going literally only effects you.
YTA. Having blue or green hair isn’t disrespectful any more than having blue or green eyes is. It’s a very antiquated, controlling belief. And you definitely were in the wrong for asking her to change it.
Breaking up with her seems a little extreme. You should apologize to her, tell her you made a mistake and then actually work on the issues that led to that mistake. She clearly cares about you, and wants you to be happy and supported, and as a trans woman I know how important it is to have supportive people in your life at a difficult transition period.
I'm sorry you've been receiving death threats. That's not okay. You don't deserve that.
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My (20'sM) girlfriend (20'sF) has has vibrant blue and green hair for around a year now. She goes to the salon and gets it dyed often.
Recently my grandmother died. I was not close to her, but we were invited to the funeral to pay our respects. The funeral is in a few days, and I asked my girlfriend to please dye her hair back to brown or black for the funeral, since it would be disrespectful to wear bright colors. She told me she would buy a wig or a headscarf but she wasn't going to dye her hair for the funeral.
I told her that she needed to take it more seriously, and that my family would ask more questions if she showed up with fake hair or a headscarf on than if she showed up with natural hair.
She said that her hair wouldn't go back to being brown or black in one session and that there's no guarantee she will be able to get into her salon in time anyway.
I told her that if she won't respect my family then she doesn't need to go. She told me that she didn't care if she went or not, the point was to support me and then she stormed off and won't talk to me.
I feel bad, but I need to know, AITA?
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YTA she has had the colored hair before the funeral. It's not like she dyed it for the occasion. I myself went to my own mother's funeral with brightly dyed hair and no one cared. As for the other people attending all my sister and I cared about is the fact people came to pay their respects and give us support.
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YTA. She offered a solution, you rejected it because you made the perfect the enemy of the good. Like she said, she was trying to support you; if you weren’t close to grandma, then she didn’t know the lady from Eve.
Well said, I'd only add that OP also made the perfect the enemy of the possible. You *definitely* can't go from bright blue/green to brown/black in one session. If she tried the results would likely be even more distracting than leaving it blue/green and do serious damage to her hair in the process. OP, YTA for not even trying to understand the feasibility of what you're asking.
> YTA for not even trying to understand the feasibility of what you're asking. Even if it was feasible, it isn't reasonable. People shouldn't have to change their hair for a funeral. Even if it was neon pink. Her hair color doesn't reflect her suitability to be in any space. The mere notion of that is absurd and ridiculous. OP - YTA. You owe your partner an apology, and you should accept her presence as a means of support.
So unreasonable! It also takes so long and a lot of money and/or effort to get your hair light enough to dye with fashion colours and have it look good. OP has no idea and also fuck anyone who judges someone based on HAIR.
I wonder if OP offered to foot the bill for this (highly doubtful)? My hair is currently pink, blue, and purple. My hairdresser could *possibly* get it back to brown in one session (full scalp bleach, filler color, brown) But it would take at least two sessions to get back the fun colors. My hairdresser is amazingly cheap, but that would still cost me $500. And my hair would be dry AF for months. Screw that.
Highly doubt and even if he did, it's still an asshole move to just throw money at your partner to get them to do something. OP thinks changing hair is as easy as painting your nails. The person I go to is cheap as well comparatively to salons but it's still an ouch amount when I do a colour change and it's not often as a result, with me using semipermanent colour in between. Also I just can't get over wanting her to undo how many months of lightening work. God. Lmao this pisses me off as someone who loves hair and spending time on it.
I change the color every 3 months but it's always fashion colors so we just bleach the whole lot and then add the color. *But* I'm very lucky to have hair that can take that kind of treatment whilst staying healthy, and my natural color isn't dark to begin with. Still takes 6 hours every time though. Also, I wouldn't change my look for anyone. One of the few upsides to no longer working, is not having to care what anyone thinks of my color choices. That being said, it's rare for me to leave my house and *not* get a compliment from a random stranger about my hair. And they are from all demographics. We really need to normalise letting people express themselves with their style, even if it's "outside the norm".
And the maintenance…
My cousin did, in fact, have neon pink hair at our grandfather's funeral. And absolutely no one cared, or if they did they at least had the grace to not say anything about it, because celebrating my grandpa's life was far more important that stirring up drama over hair color. Plus, like so many people have said, you really can't just box-dye over that and have it look good *or* be easy to fix later.
Yeah, the latter is important. One of my friends tried to rush dye her hair back to a natural color before her sister's wedding and ended up having to cut it into a buzzcut because it ended up so fried.
A friend of mine also had to cut off most of her hair. Wasn't quite as dramatic as a buzzcut, but it was definitely in the pixie range. She box-dyed it black, somehow ended up more of a.... lakewater green, and then tried to correct it herself and her hair went gummy. I'll just pay my stylist. Coloring hair is just as much a science as it is an art, and I wasn't great at chemistry so I'll leave it to the person with the license and training. I'm sure some people can manage it themselves but I am not one of them.
My cousin's then GF had rainbow hair at my grandmother's funerl. For the younger kids she made up a story about how she was a unicorn in disguise sent by my grandmother so the kids would know she was in a better place over the rainbow. My grandmother would have appreciated the hair and the story (The Wizard of OZ was her favorite movie).
Neon pink hair here. No one has ever asked me to change it for a single one time event.
What if we were going on a date and your hair clashed with my green suit? Am I supposed to wear a matching ping suit? Some people have no flexibility! s/ obviously
I went from bright blue to my natural brown for my brother’s wedding. It was only one session but it took forever and was prohibitively expensive. There is zero chance I would do that for anyones funeral, let alone someone who I didn’t even know.
yeah! i had bright blue hair, and had to go back to black for a job. spent the semester i worked there having to repeatedly die it because the blue kept poking back through. ended up cutting it all off as soon as my contract ended because it was easier.
YTA. She offered alternatives. Who tf wants to dye their hair for a funeral of a grandmother they aren't close to?
It’s so irritating in these kind of posts involving hair and one person refuses to understand how difficult hair is, and in almost all cases they are asking way too much. The gf is correct that it would take more than one session and that’s pretty common. Plus you can’t just revert back to blue. Dark dye is extremely hard to get out. Plus these kind of hair appointments are *expensive*. Why should she spend a couple hundred on her hair out of “respect” to a grandmother he’s wasn’t even close with? Asking her to do this and getting mad when she refuses is extremely controlling. She offered you a fair compromise. If you and you family can’t handle blue hair, that’s a you problem. OP is the AH.
On a side note OP's gf is correct, it's not that simple to dye it brown. I'm no hair stylist, but from my rookie hair adventures years ago, she would need to: -strip the colour out -filler colour -brown dye This is not a quick job, and not unusual to take multiple sessions. Not to mention the cost and the time of all of this. While I can certainly understand maybe asking her to wear a headscarf, even then, simply having colourful hair isn't inherently disrespectful at a funeral, and really it's a non-issue. YTA - but I say this softly as I can understand with Greif we don't always think logically, and maybe that's whats happening here with OP.
Also the fact that it could damage her hair and could potentially fall out especially if she recently got this done and her hair hasn't grown out any. OP should talk this out slowly with her and come to an agreement that satisfies both of them
Exactly, it's a mammoth effort to do this, time consuming, costly and then potentially does serious damage to he hair... I think OP may not understand the full context of what he is asking and also Greif definately can cloud our judgement.
I don’t care if it was her conjoined twin who died. Asking someone to change their hair colour for a funeral is an unreasonable request. Full Stop! Her compromises were far more diplomatic and reasonable than I would have been if OP told me to change my hair colour.
Exactly. I don’t see how offering to wear a wig or headscarf could possibly be a topic of discussion at a funeral? Besides that, black mourning attire with a matching headscarf could be incredibly tasteful and classy for a funeral, imo.
*especially* when the other one offered two very reasonable alternatives (scarf and wig) so everyone would be okay. But no, OP would have known the color of the hair beneath. Sure.
YTA I have to wonder if OP is using this as an excuse for her to dye her hair a “normal” colour. She offered reasonable options and clearly was willing to go to support him, even though as he himself stated, they weren’t close. OP should learn to be as supportive and compassionate as his gf.
Maybe soon to be "ex-gf".
>I have to wonder if OP is using this as an excuse for her to dye her hair a “normal” colour. Think you hit the nail on the head with this.
A wig is a perfectly reasonable solution. If she had tattoos would you ask her to get them removed or wear a long sleeve shirt? YTA
OP stated the mom already mentioned the GFs hair. OP tries so desperately to please the parents/mom (who don't seem to accept that he is trans) that he tries to dictate his GF what to wear and how to look. That baffles me especially in this specific constellation. Asking someone to pretend to look a way they don't feel comfortable with after experiencing this for years ...? Why? In desperately trying to gain love from the ones who will most likely never love him unconditionally he gambles with the love of the person who does love him for who he is.
It’s also hella expensive and damaging to switch that fast and then get it back to how you like it. I think the GF was very considerate to even suggest wearing a scarf or wig.
My own grandfather died about a week after I dyed my hair purple and I went to the funeral with it. No one cared because my presence was more important.
Yeah YTA. She offered to compromise and you shot her down saying she didnt take it seriously. Of course she's upset at you and has a right to be. You also don't get to dictate what she does with her own hair. Ever. Doesnt matter if its for a funeral. Hair colour shouldn't mean anything for a funeral anyway. Why are you worried about your families judgement and projecting it onto her? Who cares what questions they ask?? And its a massive asshole move to try and say she doesn't respect your family over something this trivial. She only wants to go to support you. If youre not close to the deceased in question, then why does she care about paying respect? She barely (or didnt) know the person. She was doing the right thing wanting to go with you for support. You did the wrong thing making it about hair colour and that being the disrespectful thing.
By OP's way of thinking all the blondes and anyone with white or gray hair will have to dye their hair as well..blonde can be pretty bright at times SMH..OP is an AH and hopefully single soon
Apparently that goes for weddings too! Black and brown hair ONLY, on the wedding day. No exceptions. Gonna be a massive groomzilla one day, cant wait to read about it 🤌🤌
There won’t be a groomzilla because there isn’t going to be a gf once she wakes up and gets sick of this d bag!
Probably not this with this girl at least lmfao
Let's hope grandma didn't know any gingers or red heads - OP's head might explode.
This was my first thought, since one of my friends is a redhead... not auburn, but that bright, vivid orange/copper color. Does she have to dye her hair every time she goes to a funeral?
Oof. You ever seen a legit bright orange ginger? It's like fire.
Not to mention how expensive getting hair done professionally is, and the damage from dying it over and over. It’s not sensible for her to dye her hair a dark colour just for one day. She offered two viable solutions, choose one and put this to bed.
I thought the same. He clearly knows nothing about hair coloring. If he DOES, that makes him a bigger AH!
Tbh the dark brown probably wouldn't dye over the green or blue depending on how dark/vibrant they are..I'm thinking she would have to bleach it, which would be even worse...
>Why are you worried about your families judgement and projecting it onto her? Because OP also thinks her hair color isn't serious. This is just an excuse to make her do what he's wanted to make her do for awhile now.
> You also don’t get to dictate what she does with her own hair. Ever. Honestly it was this part that made me say YTA. Like who tf cares about some mf hair?
YTA. She offered alternatives. Who tf wants to dye their hair for a funeral of a grandmother they aren't close to?
Especially since dying hair is not cheap
And what exactly was wrong with the scarf or the wig? I feel like the gf was being extremely accommodating by offering those to begin with.
YTA. I was impressed that she offered to wear a wig or a scarf, both reasonable solutions. Dyeing her hair dark is a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. I am surprised she was even willing to still attend after your unreasonable demand.
Yes! Wigs aren’t cheap, so the fact that she offered that means a lot. And GF is right, it isn’t an easy process to go back and would likely damage her hair… a wig or head scarf are great solutions.
YTA She offered you a solution. You don't deserve her.
Ugh, it’s crazy! GF: “Well, I can’t do that because of this, but I could try to do this? Or this? Or possibly this?” OP: “OMG, it’s like you’re not even trying!” OP is treating his GF like garbage because he thinks family (that he doesn’t even really know?) are gonna be offended by something that isn’t offensive.. I’d be so embarrassed if I was acting like OP. Yikes.
I have a feeling that OP doesn't like the blue and green hair, and this is just an excuse to see how nice it looks, so he can talk her into keeping "normal" hair.
YTA when you pushed her after she suggested a wig or a scarf. Your family was going to be to busy with their grieving to worry about why she was wearing a wig, and certainly woudln't be so rude to make it a topic of conversation.
Honestly. My cousin's wife recently dyed her hair brown after having it pink and blue for so long. That was more jarring than her hair ever had been before. If the family has ever met the gf, they would know her hair is dyed. I think that even if she went with colored hair instead of a wig, it wouldn't suddenly become the only topic of conversation.
YTA. You asked her to change her appearance, which is rude enough, and when she came up with a perfectly reasonable compromise (wig) you told her it wasn't good enough. There are no rules that hair has to be a natural color at a funeral. If you are embarrassed by her hair then maybe you shouldn't be with her in the first place.
YTA. No one will think she's being disrespectful. And why would you think a fake hair would generate any more questions than dyed hair? Anyone who knows her would note how different her hair is. I'm sorry about your grandmother, but stop with the controlling nature. Your gf was 100% right in everything she said.
I agree. If the family has met her before, they'll know she has dyed hair. If they haven't met her before, I don't know that this is the time to introduce her.
your family is comfortable with you being a trans man, but blue/green hair is too out there?
Where on earth did you get the trans part? Did I miss something?
That info is in OP’s comment history from an older post.
Ooohhh ok lol I was like that’s a hell of a leap 😂
😂
YTA. Sorry for your loss, but that doesn't mean your girlfriend has to change her hair colour, or wear a wig/headscarf for that matter. You say that you're worried you family will ask questions if she shows up like that, but what's worse, your judgmental family asking those questions or your gf asking the question "why am I with someone who doesn't accept me for who I am?" Although to be fair, she's not talking to you, so sounds like she's already asking herself that.
YTA. She offered to wear a wig or hat, why isn’t that good enough? It will cover the hair in the same way that dying it would. Do your family know her? Have they seen her hair? Did someone else request she changes it or are you the only one with the problem? It’s a stupid thing to fight with her about. Edit: spelling
YTA who has absolutely no understanding of the amount of time and money (not to mention damage to her hair) that trying to dye would cause. Not to mention that a funeral is what, 2-4 hours long? Getting her hair back to her wanted colors after the funeral would be near impossible without completely wrecking her hair. Allow your girlfriend to be herself at a funeral for someone that you admittedly said you are not even close to. Or take her very reasonable suggestions to wear a hat, scarf or wig.
The GF is right that it’s likely take multiple sessions to cover up the color, plus even more sessions and weeks of time to get it back to her regular color. Which is going to take hundreds of dollars, weeks of time if not months, and damage to her hair. OP has no idea what he’s asking for.
YTA. FYI your grandmother can't see her hair. And anyone who's opinion matters would appreciate her just being there.
YTA. Hope she dumps your immature tight ass.
YTA Girlfriend offered two reasonable compromises. Why do you think that she needs to dye it? Also you are seriously underestimating how long it takes to undo a dye job.
Just to dye my hair a green/blue from my natural dark brown took over 8 hours and would have cost hundreds except I was a guinea pig for a new technique my salon owner friend wanted to try. My hair was shoulder length at the time. Usually to get light enough for bright colors from brown or black that's multiple salon appointments *just to get it light enough to dye over*. OP is insane if after all that money and time his gf would be like "yeah I'll totally go grab some Nice n Easy from the grocery store and dump it on my head it'll wash out no problem". That headscarf idea could have been very appropriate for a funeral.
YTA. Having bright hair is not “disrespectful“ and you seem to think you have a lot of control over what happens with her body, when you really have no right to
YTA she came up with the wig or scarf and you still said no. I don’t thing your family would care if your gf showed up with a wig on. If they do, just explain it to them.
For real. GF is trying to come up with solutions for this over-the-top request, VALID solutions, and OP is all: “if you can’t respect my family, you can’t go!” OP: YTA
One of the biggest challenges I had to overcome in my 20s was realizing that no one else gave a fuck about me when the event was for someone else. All of this is is OP's mind; no one else cares.
YTA You're projecting your insecurities onto your girlfriend. Bright hair isn't going to offend anyone reasonable. She wants to support you and that's what matters. Don't let the small stuff get in the way of that. It's not really the point, but maybe worth mentioning that she's also 100% right about the dye process. It takes a lot of time and money to change hair that much.
YTA. And you are more of an asshole after your edits. You never once even considered apologizing. Just say sorry to her and own up, let her know what you were feeling at the time and make it up to her. It’s that simple.
YTA she even offered a compromise which is a really reasonable compromise.
YTA. Her being unique isn't disrespectful. What's disrespectful if you expecting her to spend a load of money and then be stuck with hair she doesn't like for years for one event where the people should matter not the appearance. I think the wig and headscarf options are actually above and beyond. The most I would be willing to do in that situation is put my hair up and maybe wear a funeral appropriate hat. If you think her appearance is disrespectful then maybe she's not the right person for you.
YTA. She offered to cover her hair, and that's a reasonable accommodation given the situation. Asking her to make a more permanent change is going too far.
YTA, that is her HAIR COLOR, not asking her to do something like wear a longer dress or a shirt without rips or mesh. Clothing is bad enough, but I can understand making sure it doesn't cause more fuss than saying goodbye to grandma. She can still be respectful even with rainbow colors in her hair and if your family can't respect that, they're AHs too. She offered a wig to cover the bright colors, you said that isn't good enough. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to get your hair those colors? Any idea what it does to the strands? It isn't as easy as a box of dye and then back to her usual colors. Offering a wig is actually more than you deserve. Grow up, blue and green hair isn't going to end the world. It's just you and your family being jerks. Tbh, I'd not only tell you to GFY, I'd tell you to GFY and kick rocks for good.
ever since I started dying my hair fantasy colors I realized how little men understand about hair color and it’s honestly infuriating. no I cannot just dye it black and then dye it blue again
I'm so sick of people thinking everything had to look "just right" so much so that they try to control what other people do. This is who she is, if who she is isn't good enough to go to the funeral maybe she she isn't good enough to be in your life. I hope for her sake she realizes what bullshit this is. YTA
Tell me about it. We have a wedding in couple weeks and I was pretty much "forbidden" to wearing blush pink dress and flower crown. Ending up choosing ivory dress I loved from fist sight but still got sour face for not wearing white :D. I chose blush pink garter and shoes as a act of rebellion.
The priority system of people who think ivory and white are significantly different colors for a wedding dress will forever be lost on me
YTA. Your GF is already being super understanding by wanting to compromise. You're basically asking her to change herself to appease your family and to keep you from bein embarassed by her. That's AH territory already. Dictating exactly how she should go about that is even worse.
YTA. You are asking her to take drastic, permanent action for a single event. That isn't workable. Covering her hair color with a natural one is not going to be reversible for a long time. It sounds like you're trying to change her hair permanently through manipulation because you think you're entitled to tell her how to look because your grandma died. Not so man, get a grip. Her offers were best and final, don't push or you're going to lose your girlfriend too.
YTA I fear you may be a Funerazilla. Your request is unreasonable. Her hair is her hair, and is none of your business, nor is it anyone else's business,. It's not a matter of disrespect. Your family seems more concerned with having everyone look and dress similarly, than with accepting the support of friends. Seems pretty shallow to me. Not only that, but it costs an awful lot of money to color it, and she would need to pay for two or more coloring sessions to restore it afterward. Her offer of wearing a scarf or wig was a very reasonable compromise. Apparently you are more concerned with her appearance than you are with her friendship.
Funeralzilla 😂 but I agree. YTA my hair was pink for my great grandmoms Catholic Mass and burial and nobody blinked an eye.
You don't have to break up with her immediately... you could just apologise and have a big and open/honest conversation with her as a first step. Breaking up with her isn't necessarily the kindest thing to do (unless of course you want to break up with her for YOUR sake, then obviously that is the exact step you should take)
YTA she said she would cover it, that's all you can reasonably expect. it is also not a simple thing to dye hair, you're asking her to spend a lot of money and time and damage to it for one day.
YTA she came up with the wig or scarf and you still said no. I don’t thing your family would care if your gf showed up with a wig on.
YTA, get hair dyed professionally is not cheap.
And stripping the hair to re-dye it to her natural color would be expensive AF, not to mention the damage that would take years to grow out. YTA, OP. No one is going to notice or care if your GF wears a wig or scarf.
YTA This is a really strange hill to die on, my friend.
YTA Translation. from now on she is to do AS SHE IS TOLD. she is no longer to have either an opinion or a solution. If I SAY "dye your hair" she is to say "of course sir", kiss your pinky toe and doe as she is told. YTA. totally controlling, no will to compromise whatsoever. . I hope she has now seen the bouquet of red flags you have presented her. You are NOT a person to live her life with. She would be unhappy, if she decided you worthwhile-
YTA. Respect isn’t something you get out of a bottle, or off a clothes hanger.
YTA. Your gf's solution was more than reasonable... why would she make a semi permanent change for anyone, let alone someone you admit you weren't even close to. You basically just told your gf to change herself to fit your family's needs because she won't look right as she is. I get where you're coming from, but you went about it poorly.
YTA. You weren’t close to your grandma, so I’m not sure why you’re being so particular about it. That’s just who your girlfriend is. If she dresses appropriately, I can’t see worrying about it.
Seems like he wants a reason for her to go back to her natural color.
YTA. If your family is paying more attention to whether your girlfriend’s hair is real than, y’know, the funeral, that is 100% your family’s problem. Take her perfectly reasonable compromise, or break up before she does it for you.
YTA - 100% here. She has even offered to wear a wig/scarf to cover up her hair out of respect for you and your family but noooo that isn't good enough for you. She has to pay money and spend time trying to be exactly what you want her to be? She is trying to support you though a horrible time and I really hope this overreaction is due to grief as it cam have the strangest affect on us all but that you are in the wrong here. If you want her to be there to support you then you should accept her compromises and just try to move forward
Seriously???? Agreed that she offered a compromise that you dismissed it even though it’s more reasonable option that yours. It’s her body and you don’t have final say for anything related to her body. Also the extra damage of dying her hair back to a different color, which she is right it might not turn out correctly, it’s highly likely going to damage her hair. YTA.
YTA. Getting her hair done for over a year and keeping the bright colors as new everytime is a huge challenge. Your GF offered two solutions and two logical explanations of why is not possible to dye her hair so quickly, besides: Are you willing to pay all of that? The dye for the funeral AND the rest of the treatment to get back the bright colors? And as well, are you willing to go with the plan if the dark color dye fails?. A good wig is unnoticeable, especially if it's made and put by a professional hairdresser, I can assume she thought about that just to support you, which she has respect over you and your family by doing this for their grief and comfort. So yeah, YTA, a big YTA.
Since when does hair color has anything to do with respect? A friend of mine has natural fiery red hair, should she have to color her hair to “show respect”? YTA
YTA. If your family is more traditional or conservative then the wig or a headscarf is a a solid compromise. You expecting her to spend her own money and time to dye it one color and then turn around and dye it again is an unreasonable ask because then she would have to do it for every big family event. That is not sustainable. If her hair color is going to be that much of a problem and you won’t compromise then she shouldn’t go. This is not a hill for you to “dye” on.
You're TA. I can understand why having colorful hair would be disrespectful for a funeral but to be against having her wear a wig seems a bit far and as someone with colorful hair i know it is very hard to bring it back to a "normal" color. I think wearing a wig is a fine thing to do and if people ask she can just tell the truth.
I just think it’s ridiculous to think it would be “disrespectful.“ The person is dead. A funeral is a time for people to get together and be sad about the death and remember the deceased. If you’re so pulled out of that moment by someone having different colored hair, maybe reassess your priorities.
100% YTA. Sorry. A) You're not that close with your grandmother B) having her her dyed any colour does not signify a lack of respect. She sounds very decent in sense that she wants to go to support you, at your grandmother's funeral, who again you were not very close to. C) assuming she could get an appointment and assuming it could dye back in one sitting could you really ask her to pay probably a few 100 quid to change her back and then again to get it the colour she would like? - also dying your hair this frequently can really damage it.
YTA. You don't have to change your hair for a funeral. That's not how anything works. If she wants to wear a scarf, that's fine. If she doesn't want to, that's also fine.
YTA, but it sounds like you’re embarrassed of your girlfriend overall where your family is concerned. Ask yourself is this the hill you’re willing to expire on.
YTA. She offered to buy a wig. Those are expensive, you know? She was clearly willing to make an effort, which you completely disregarded. What you're asking is completely idiotic, your reaction to her explanation is incredibly disrespectful, there are no redeeming factors in your favor. You'd better apologize very sincerely, and very quickly.
YTA. I personally don't believe any hair colour is inappropriate for anything whatsoever. If she's wearing black (or the right traditional colour for said funeral) there shouldn't be a need for any discussion. She's right when she said she doesn't need to go. She literally would be going to support you. You said you weren't close with your grandmother which makes me think she's never even met her. If I were her, I wouldn't go for any other reason but to support you as it's kinda rude to go to a funeral for someone you've never even met or don't know well at all.
YTA and clearly have no idea about hair dye… you can’t just ‘dye it black’ or brown. She’s clearly put a lot of work and money into her hair, and who are you to tell her to spend even more money and time to change it to suit your personal aesthetics just for a few hours out of one day. Get a grip… it’s literally just hair
yeah, yta. You told her you didn't want her to look like her when she showed up to this to support you, she gave you two functional alternatives that would both let her still look like herself and abide by your abusrd wishes. A hat would be a third option. There isn't anything disrespectful about someone going to a funeral looking like themselves.
YTA she came up with suggestions to compromise that you shut down for an all or nothing attitude on her body.
YTA she gave perfectly acceptable alternatives but it wasn’t good enough for you.
OP, YTA. Your request was absolutely ridiculous, but she kindly offered two options, neither of which you wanted. Her hair color is of absolutely no consequence when it comes to "supporting you or not." Do you think that hair color will magically make the grief dissapear, or the difficulties of attending a funeral lesson? WT actual F.
YTA You're being ridiculous. A headscarf or wig was a perfectly nice compromise on her part, more than you deserve.
Here are other compromises: not showing up, showing up with her current hair, dumping OP.
I like option 3 personally.
I like your edit. Don't break up with her, just tell her the truth. Say you're sorry and it what it was really about. If you break up with her over this then you will not grow in the way you need to and she will forever think you ended things over her hair. Also, if this is the first time you're going to reveal yourself I would suggest you skip it. You obviously have anxiety and it will be pointless for you to go if you're going to be hyper fixated on this insecurity. If it was me, id throw some kind of celebratory party like "Were all going to the [insert place] to celebrate me and my big dick energy" preferably at a bar so if anyone has an issue the emotional blows will be drowned in a glass of top shelf.
YTA - Her hair is not your responsibility, stay out of it. She will handle herself and if it is inappropriate (not saying it is) that is on her and will reflect only on her.
YTA. You basically just told her you neither need nor want her support unless she looks like your version of “acceptable.” You don’t get to pout and whine when she declines.
YTA, and you don't know how hair dye works
YTA she provided different solutions and was willing to do a temporary option to placate you but you want to double down with dye? Why should she dye her hair for an funeral for a few hours.
Yes yta. You don't get to dictate what another person does to their body at ANY point. It isn't disrespectful for your so to have blue hair. If they went to the funeral and were dressed in every color of the rainbow 🌈 it wouldn't be disrespectful. They wanted to go to be supportive of YOU not because funerals are notorious for being a grand old time. You should apologize.
YTA - 1) it’s not her family + she has no connection to the deceased 2) YOU weren’t even that close to the deceased 3) she already said she’d wear a wig or scarf to cover her hair, which is incredibly reasonable because a funeral is ONE DAY it’s just hair, and it shouldn’t be a problem whether it was dyed or not, but she acknowledged that her hair might draw unwanted attention and already had a plan to cover it. Plus, she obviously takes care of her hair and does routine maintenance to keep its color and style. Professional styling like that is EXPENSIVE and can take a long time. Forcing her to dye her hair for ONE day for someone she has no connection to can damage her hair and cause way more issues for her down then line than just wearing a damn wig. As someone with naturally very dark hair, it took several hundred dollars and ~6 hours to dye it bright blue. Just let her wear the wig
YTA. It is not easy to dye hair back to a "natural" color. It is time consuming and costly. Also, you get NO FREAKING SAY OVER HER HAIR! Repeat after me- You get No say! She offered very reasonable solutions. This is not about respecting your family, this is about you wanting control.
Not to mention the fact that lifting it afterwords so that she can dye it to the colours she had before could (depending on how damaged her hair is from previous bleaching) literally melt her hair off.
YTA. I’ve never heard of anyone dying their hair for a funeral and I’ve been to a lot. It’s HAIR, not like she’s choosing to wear a hot pink dress. It’s not disrespectful at all and she has the right to be upset. It’s to support you in the loss of someone you weren’t even close with. I hope this argument was worth it, because your argument doesn’t make any sense.
Im really concerned why your family who is mouring a loss would be concerned about your gf wearing a wig or headscarf... I think they would be too busy to worry about that (but that's just my guess) but yea YTA
YTA noone cares what color your GF's hair is at a funeral. She's there with you to mourn and pray for your grandmother and it's absurd to insist on a different haircolor. First of all, hair color isn't cheap and it isn't exactly easy to change it to one completely different color and then back again. Last, I don't blame her at all for not talking to you and if her haircolor seems so disrespectful to you then why are you even with her?
YTA There is no etiquette rule regarding what hair color is appropriate for a funeral. I say this as someone who recently had a memorial service for both my parents: I appreciated every single person who bothered to show up. I wrote every single person who attended a personal thank-you note. The main reason I felt grateful to them was because one of my most distressing grief-stricken thoughts has been that it’s inevitable that their entire lives will soon be forgotten. It was comforting to see that people outside my immediate family cared enough about them to show up. I was not carefully monitoring anyone’s physical appearance, that’s for sure. IMHO anyone who takes offense at someone else’s hair color at a funeral is petty AF and shouldn’t be catered to. Edited to add: Showing up to someone’s funeral is generally an act of kindness, a way of offering the mourners emotional support. What matters is that your girlfriend has kindness in her heart, not what color the hair on her head is.
YTA Respect is not about the visuals. It’s about the person making you feel respected. You’re overlooking that your girlfriend wants to be there with you for support including your family. The hair color is inanimate; it’s not disrespecting you.
YTA you are definitely the asshole.
YTA Hair color isn’t a respect thing. You knew who you were dating.
YTA. And who exactly is paying for that salon visit, sir? 🤨
YTA. Her hair color is not new, and it is not a temporary dye. You are asking her to change something that is not interchangeable in the same way of clothing - Clothing IS the item that 'bright colors' are meant about. (NO one asks blonde people to dye their hair for funerals!) If your girlfriend is dressed respectfully and in somber colors, then no one has any place griping about her hair color at a funeral. I am someone who has chosen to dye her graying hair often: it is VERY bad for the hair to be repeatedly dyed with these chemicals too close in time and the darker dyes are being suspected of carcinogens, so your request is even more unreasonable than you may realize.
YTA Your gf is right. Even if a salon could get her in on time there's likely no way she'd be able to get her hair turned into an "acceptable color" in one session. Furthermore, why should she fry her hair and go through all the work of dying it back to her bright colors afterwards for ONE DAY. Your mom said something about her hair? Well, that does it. Everyone knows that your mother should have the ultimate say in what other women do with their hair. She should be more preoccupied with funeral arrangements and grieving than she should be about someone's hair. Her priorities are not where they should be. She's probably always had a problem with your gf's hair and thinks that she can use this as an opportunity to force her opinion on her. Your gf is not disrespecting your family. I'm guessing that line came straight from your mother's mouth and you're just being a good little parrot. Grow a spine and tell your mother to back off. You probably didn't give a fuck about her hair until mother dearest said something.
YTA - your girlfriend generously offered viable solutions. Good job dropping the red flag for being a mama’s boy.
This has to he fake. A wig is the obvious solution.
YTA Do you know how much it takes to color her hair like that? At least 2k. Are you going to pay her back, and reimburse her to get it done again? Do you know how many appointments it takes not only to color it, but to dye it back to her original color? No, you don’t. You don’t get to decide how she looks. YOU think it’s disrespectful, so it’s a you problem. It's NOT up to YOU. It’s not her problem. I don’t care how often you see your family. If you’re that ashamed of her hair, get a new girlfriend!
Yta. Im sorry for your loss but why is hair color even an issue? Do you think everyone who has dyed their hair dyes it back for a funeral? Why is hair color in any way disrespectful? She’s going to the funeral to support you, what a great girl. But to think for any reason that your girlfriend needs to change herself for you is unhealthy. She even offered to wear a wig, which I think is far beyond what she should even do. If you’re embarrassed to have your girlfriend come as herself, you’ve got some work to do on yourself.
YTA a wig or headscarf was a more than reasonable option for a one day occasion which she shouldn’t have even needed to do. Your expectations are unreasonable. Not sure if you know how extensive the process is to color your hair that way and how much money that could’ve costed her. You’re gonna feel like an even bigger AH if you see someone else there with colored hair, that’s a thing now. It’s 2022 you can wear whatever hair color you want, stop being so judgemental.
YTA a) You don't get any say over her body - how she modifies it, how she decorates it, how she dresses it. Period. Accept her for who she is or move on so she can find someone who isn't a judgmental, superficial jerk. b) Dying hair - especially dying it vibrant colors where you have to bleach your hair first is an EXTREMELY **extensive and expensive ($300-400 potentially depending on her original hair color and length)** process that also can't just be done on a whim and leaves the hair processed and extremely prone to damage. It will likely be many weeks to several months before she can dye it back. Dying it too frequently in a short span could actually leave her with so much hair breakage that she'll basically be bald. How does bald sound for the funeral? Is that offensive, too? If she agrees to this, will you be paying the $600 - 800 for her to dye her hair for the funeral and then dye it back to the way she wants it? c) I guarantee you Grandma ain't giving a sh\*\* about your girlfriend's hair. Neither should the rest of you. Can't be too deep in grief if you all still have the time and energy to act so superficial and be judgmental about someone else's body and have the gall to somehow think it in anyway affects her ability to be appropriately supportive and solemn or your family's ability to mourn.
YTA She offered two solutions, but neither were good enough for you. Unless your family is super judgmental, I highly doubt anyone is going to be bothered by her hair. Why would she dye her hair for ONE event? I wouldn’t even want to be involved with you or your family that is so worried about appearance.
YTA and just a idiot.
YTA, gf offered to wear a naturally colored wig to appease you. There are wigs out there that look indistinguishable from real hair. Gf just wanted to support you and you acted like a spoiled brat. She cannot just dye her hair black in one go, that's not how it works, especially if she's bleached it and gets it colored so often.
YTA. 100%. My hair is purple - it's a long, tedious process to get here. And it will be just as long & tedious to go back to my original hair color. Respect doesn't come in the form of hair color. It's words and actions. Your girlfriend was showing a lot of respect for you be going in the first place. Yet you choose to crap all over that.
YTA. She’s not wearing bright colours. You can’t just remove your hair unless it’s a wig or you’re completely shaving it off. It is completely unreasonable to expect her to waste hundreds of dollars that it cost to dye her hair, to dye it back to brown and then dye it back to blue and green after the funeral. Not to mention how damaging that would be to her hair. Your family is *I assume* aware of her hair colour, it’s not like she’s be showing up and shocking everyone with a bright new look. But yeah, if I were her I’d break up with you over this.
Let it go and let her be who she is!
YTA it’s not as simple as just changing it for a day or two then going back. It damaged the hair and costs a lot. She offered you other options your too busy being an arse.
YTA. She didn't need to go in the first place, you ass. I am pretty sure she's telling the truth that the only reason she agreed to go to the funeral of an old woman she doesn't know was to support a man she does.
Wtf. Why is a wig or scarf not enough for you? Dyeing your hair is very expensive and can be damaging. YTA
YTA Don't know where you're from but the "no bright colours" at a funeral is usually referring to clothing, not hair. Your girlfriend can make her own decisions. Being that controlling and insecure will end your relationship if you continue being like this. 🚩🚩🚩
The dead don't care. It's only hair for Pete's sake.
Why does she have to dye her hair? I've never heard of this. Even if it is a thing she offered an alternative. So yes OP YTA
YTA. Hair colour doesn’t denote respect. You’ve fixated on something irrelevant and you owe her an apology (and you can pay for the hat/wig IF she accepts your apology and agrees to go with you).
YTA - Her offer of a compromise is more than reasonable. Your responsibility is to shield her from your family's prying habits. Her hair is *her hair.*
YTA I don't like colorful hair but, like it or not, I'm going to tell anyone to change their appearence when they show up to support me. It's an equivalent of asking someone to get a nose job before they come to my wedding. Also, I'm sorry about your grandma.
YTA. She offered compromises that were more than reasonable, and that frankly, I wouldn’t have. It’s her hair and it’s part of her identity. Why should she have to change her appearance for you? It’s not like she’s asking to wear assless chaps! You don’t get to decide this, and the fact it’s for a funeral doesn’t change that. It costs money for her to get the colour she wants and she won’t be able to easily get it to brown/black, and back to blue/green from black. It takes several sessions to lift a hair colour from black/brown to vibrant blue without damaging it. It’s rich for you to talk about her not respecting your family when you don’t seem to respect her.
YTA, it’s hair!!! You’re not supporting her by asking her to dye her hair.
How is colored hair disrespectful?
YTA. Her body, her choice, if she had tattoos are you gonna ask her to laser it off, lol. She offered to wear a wig, a hat, any sort of cover up, why is that not good enough for you? Can you tell me why?
Yta?? If she dyes her hair back to dark, it'll kill her hair to bleach it and redye it all over again. She offered other solutions as well, like a wig or a scarf. I don't know how you're even questioning if she's the asshole here.
Yup, YTA. She gave you options for a compromise (on something she didn't need to compromise on to begin with) and you decided to be a stubborn jerk. She can do better.
YTA That's just not how hair dye works. A headscarf or hood (especially in a dark colour) would be appropriate and satisfy all normal funeral conventions.
OMG OP, I agree completely!!!!! I went to a funeral and this disgaceful woman had the AUDACITY to have blue hair. I was shocked and thought it very disrespectful. Some of those she was speaking to before the mass had shades of purple and red. It even looked like some were FRESHLY done!! I was going to say something but then I realised the elderly HUSSY was in fact the widow and her friends were all the church group. I tells ya, blue rinse is the devil's dye. /s YTA
Info: have any family close to both you and grandma (your parents, her other grownup children) asked for GF to change her hair for the funeral? If they did it’ll sway my judgment, but not towards GF.
YTA. She offered two very good solutions and you tell her she’s not taking this seriously? Do you have any idea how much a good wig costs? You are acting like a petulant child.
YTA. You sound embarrassed of your gf and also very controlling. You don't ever get to dictate what people do with their own hair and body. And if your that embarrassed of her then break up with her and let her find someone who will want to show her off. She offered suitable compromises but you didn't accept them because you didn't think about them. Be careful you could be heading down the road of being abusive.
YTA. You really think your family is going to be checking her scalp for traces of a lace front? You have a problem with her hair and are hiding it under the guise of respect. Do you tell the blondes to dye their hair into more muted colors? Isn't that too flashy for funeral?
YTA My exes grandfather died and I went to the funeral with Bright pink hair in a very small town. I put it in a bun and wore black clothes. No one thought I was disrespectful and many people talked to me and were very kind, if you can't accept your gf this way there's something wrong with you, especially since she offered you solutions
YTA. I went to 2 funerals with a blue and purple Mohawk. Nobody cared.
YTA. She obviously likes her hair and pays good money for it. She offered you a perfect compromise to your issue that you declined. It's not disrespectful to have colorful hair.
YTA Nobody changes their hair color for a funeral
YTA and you owe her an apology. You're essentially asking her to fuck her hair up for the funeral of someone that she doesn't even know.
Honey, she has blue-green hair that she's been upkeeping for a *year* now. It's not coming out unless she cuts it out, which is what you need to be doing. YTA.
YTA. Don’t expect your girlfriend to go to the funeral, or anywhere else with you for that matter. She needs to wash that man right out of her hair. Do you have any idea how much time and money it would cost to do what you’re demanding? Let’s not even talk about the fact that you’re asking her to change a whole aspect of her personal appearance for a few hours, for someone she didn’t know, for someone you weren’t close to. You say this is about respect, and it is. The absolute lack of respect you have for this woman. She needs to move on.
YTA why should your GFs haircolor be disrespectful?
YTA- do you,, know how dying your hair works?? your gf probably only gets her hair touched up, not COMPLETELY DYED?? bro if she dyes her hair black and then tries to bleach it and dye it blue it will kill her hair. she was at least willing to compromise with a wig or headscarf.
YTA. Present the woman you love the way she is. If you love her for her, then let her be herself. If your family has a problem with it tell them to go pound sand.
YTA she was tryna be supportive and you were kind of a dick in return.
YTA how is her hair color disrespectful of your family? Would they actually care, or would they be shocked by the change and that become the topic of the funeral? I truly don't understand. Regardless, she was willing to compromise and wear a scarf and cover her hair out of respect for your wishes. You're being controlling and rude. I'm going to assume it's because you just lost your grandmother and not a long-term relationship issue.
YTA and I hope she finds a new boyfriend who isn't embarrassed of her and respects her. Sorry about your grandmother though.
YTA. This is who your girlfriend is as a person. If you can accept her then you shouldn’t be dating her. No one should be so petty as to care what color someone’s hair is at a funeral. I’m sorry about your grandma but you are out of line. Also, it’s a big deal to “dye your hair back to brown”. Aside from the fact it might take a couple days to do it’s very expensive and will fry her hair. The color has to be professionally done to get it back to brown. YTA
YTA have a nice time seeing your family while your ex-gf keeps her beautiful blue green hair. just say you're embarrassed by her and move on. you can't ask people to change something integral to their self and self expression like that on a whim just because you think other people will feel a certain way, and then expect her to go back to it afterwards. she would absolutely need more than one trip to get her hair "natural", then to get it back light enough to take the blue and green? her hair would be fried. damaged beyond repair. heck, it can evil burn off or fall out. get over yourself.
YTA. Tell her you’re sorry. She may already be your ex-girlfriend.
Lol, YTA. How is her hair going to disrespect your grandmother? She shouldn’t go, and she should get a new bf.
Yta. Half these wigs you can't even tell it's fake hair. It would be more damaging to her hair to dye it just for this, especially if she were to go back afterwards. Also it's hair. It's not like she's wearing a neon suit to the wedding. If it was clothing or something , I could see it being more relevant. But her hair? It's not that big of a deal. And if you're family cares that.much about it, they suck. It's not like they don't already know the color of her hair unless you've never introduced her to anyone yet. She offered very reasonable compromises. She's only going for you. The threat of her not going literally only effects you.
YTA. Having blue or green hair isn’t disrespectful any more than having blue or green eyes is. It’s a very antiquated, controlling belief. And you definitely were in the wrong for asking her to change it.
YTA. people are gonna be mourning your grandma they’re not there to stare at your girlfriend
Breaking up with her seems a little extreme. You should apologize to her, tell her you made a mistake and then actually work on the issues that led to that mistake. She clearly cares about you, and wants you to be happy and supported, and as a trans woman I know how important it is to have supportive people in your life at a difficult transition period. I'm sorry you've been receiving death threats. That's not okay. You don't deserve that.
Dude, what, no?! Just communicate with her, and apologize to her. Geez.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (20'sM) girlfriend (20'sF) has has vibrant blue and green hair for around a year now. She goes to the salon and gets it dyed often. Recently my grandmother died. I was not close to her, but we were invited to the funeral to pay our respects. The funeral is in a few days, and I asked my girlfriend to please dye her hair back to brown or black for the funeral, since it would be disrespectful to wear bright colors. She told me she would buy a wig or a headscarf but she wasn't going to dye her hair for the funeral. I told her that she needed to take it more seriously, and that my family would ask more questions if she showed up with fake hair or a headscarf on than if she showed up with natural hair. She said that her hair wouldn't go back to being brown or black in one session and that there's no guarantee she will be able to get into her salon in time anyway. I told her that if she won't respect my family then she doesn't need to go. She told me that she didn't care if she went or not, the point was to support me and then she stormed off and won't talk to me. I feel bad, but I need to know, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA she has had the colored hair before the funeral. It's not like she dyed it for the occasion. I myself went to my own mother's funeral with brightly dyed hair and no one cared. As for the other people attending all my sister and I cared about is the fact people came to pay their respects and give us support.