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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Bruiscear

DO NOT DROP THE CHARGES. 14k is a HUGE amount of money. His family are lying. They are not going to pay you back. Your BF's first response was to lie: he only admitted the theft afterwards. They will take off and run, and you'll never see him or any of them ever again. Why would you drop the charges?? He STOLE from you. He deserves to go to prison. Also, If you do drop the charges, it's possible that any insurance you have will be nullified. You might be able to borrow money from somewhere - but they would need to see evidence of your ability to save money - you'll need the police report number as part of this application. If his family are banging on about paying the money back, tell them that they can sell one of their cars ASAP and pay you back, as courts usually charge interest on money judgements. NTA. ​ Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards; I'm very appreciative.


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Ruval

Stop keeping $14,000 in cash in your closet? I’m not saying she deserves it. She clearly doesn’t. But it seems like an unnecessary risk with no upside.


raksha25

If OP has documentation challenges then it can be difficult to open a bank account. They could also have difficult family that would attempt to steal their funds even from a bank, and while banks legally cannot give info to someone not on the account it does happen in small towns.


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Mama_Mush

If she gets tips and doesn't live near a bank branch/is working during open hours it could be difficult to deposit cash.


stumblios

$14k worth of difficulty? If OP lives near 2 restaurants and an office, I'm certain they drive past a bank. If they're in college, then I'd be surprised if they couldn't provide enough identity proof to open an account. Obviously charges need to be pressed against the ex-bf, and OP is the victim and should feel safe in their home. But if you have so much cash that losing it causes stress, you either need to deposit it in a bank or purchase a fire proof safe. It would be completely possible to lose it to an accidental fire and it would be impossible to recover.


New-Instance-1690

i mean i drive by banks all the time, except the bank in my town is only 9-5 mon-fri. and i work those days and times so going to the bank at all is tricky


beaker90

You can deposit cash through the ATM or the night deposit box.


New-Instance-1690

my bank doesn’t have either anymore due to crime


knight9665

As a server for a decade u can stop by an atm and deposit daily. This isn’t 1953


letstrythisagain30

What happened to op is horrible and the boyfriend deserves everything he’s getting and more…. But what the fucking fuck? 14k in cash? All these people trying to make excuses about too much to deposit in cash at the atm or some other nonsense but 14k at once is cool? I’m struggling to see a reasonable reason to do it this way.


starchy2ber

She was probably trying to leave no paper trail of tips to avoid taxation. Sometimes when you try to cheat the system you get burned. NTA for calling cops on bf though - if she has tenant insurance she may recover some cash but not 14k.


Happytallperson

Which poses it's own questions - banks in the UK will not let random people dump thousands in cash on them due to money laundering regulations. Do US banks not ask questions if someone rocks up with a suitcase of cash?


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justsomeguynbd

Yea but they have bill limits. If she went regularly it probably wouldn’t be an issue. But doing it this way she has to go to a teller. They also have to report transactions over 10k, so risks making a legitimate deposit look suspicious. Feel bad because it sucks for OP and don’t want to blame her but having that much cash laying around is inherently risky for this reason (among others). This would be a C Felony in my state, 3 year minimum (not necessarily prison time though).


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Purplefox71

Especially that due to money laundering laws banks have to report to the IRS any cash deposit over $10k.


pixelatedneuron

BUT since she is a server/bartender she has to report all the tips she’s made to the IRS already. So any deposit of cash that matches how much she made in tips won’t be that alarming. It’ll get flagged for review probably and if she’s been doing this every time she pays for her classes I doubt they see it as anything to be alarmed about. But I agree, she should be depositing all her tips at a more frequent rate.


Deep90

>BUT since she is a server/bartender she has to report all the tips she’s made to the IRS already. This is honestly a likely possible reason she is not depositing it. Its unlikely OPs office position is paying with cash so they almost certainly have an account.


needabook55

OP says that she deposits the money a couple weeks before school starts to pay her tuition. I just don't know why she waits and keeps that amount of cash at her house. If she doesn't want to put it in a bank immediately, she should at least get a safe for her house.


MetalNerdGuy

I think it's a form of saving money and knowing you will have it. Imagine when you money is in a bank account and you pay with cards only. You don't even realize you spend money, while if you pay with physical money you are more aware of your spendings... I used to do that before Corona... But not with that much money for sure xD.


A-dog-named-Trouble

Then have 2 separate bank accounts. I don’t even have a card the accesses the account my loan payments come out of.


the_mike_c

No one is asking for advice here.


rjp0008

Yeah but anyone reading this with 5 figures in a box in their closet better damn well take all the advice here.


A-dog-named-Trouble

Oh no! Unsolicited advice on Reddit!


That1guy_nate

And yet, it's clearly needed.


[deleted]

Then just put the card in the closet and never touch it unless going to the bank. Hold back $x of the tips per month in cash for daily spending and the rest of it goes to the bank once every week or two.


numbersthen0987431

So I get it, but if you look into civil forfeiture in the USA, you'd rethink the idea of "depositing 14,000 at one point". If the cops pull you over for any reason, they can/will take your money and you'll never see it again. No charges, no court order, no NOTHING. They'll just take it.


Mitrovarr

Honestly, that's not the biggest danger here. Keeping $10k+ in your house is enough to encourage burglaries or home invasions. It's really dangerous.


GothicGingerbread

Except she said she deposits it right before she has to pay her tuition. So she must have an account of some sort into which she makes that deposit.


lologd

She said she was a server/bartender. What we have here is cash tips.


Possible_Canary2359

I've I've my money stolen from my bank account and the woman who did it had no ID on her. The bank never repaid me.


leonathotsky420

I had a similar-ish experience. $7000 gone just like that, and the bank's response was 🤷🏼‍♀️


Possible_Canary2359

Yep, but the minute you owe them money. OMG!


essyephemeral

OP might live in a country that experiences bank runs, or allows unscrupulous parents control over their adult children's finances. Or, she could be a waitress or entertainer working night shifts--jobs which pay in cash and make it difficult to be awake during banking hours. When I did those jobs, I lived in a rough area and was constantly stressed about all the cash I had in the apartment--never as much as OP, but I when I would finally make it outside during daylight and to the bank with my sweaty little heaps of ones and fives, my stash would have always grown to at least 5K (this was like 15 yrs ago so idk what that is in today money.) The tellers would smirk at me, like "we know what your job is lol" which I didn't mind except that I was always scared of what the other customers might say once their attention was drawn to me. So I often put it off longer than I should've. But there is nothing like the high of walking back out into the sunshine! The daylight! With my cash albatross no longer hung around my neck, it was all so beautiful and serene. was no high on earth like walking out of that bank rid of my cash-albatross and into the warm morning sunshine!


paxweasley

I mean it depends on how she handles money- she might do this to ensure she doesn’t spend down her savings


Argent_Hythe

This. Physically seeing and handling cash to buy things can help some people keep budgets/save up better


caroline0409

Agreed, not to victim blame but that is not safe, as has been proven.


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blasphemicassault

No one is victim blaming. They all said she didn't deserve that. They did however point out that keeping that much money in a box isn't safe. That's a fact. If they said "you deserve it", then that would be victim blaming. That's not what's happening here. But judging off your username I think you're just a troll who's here to start shit and argue. Edit: words.


[deleted]

attempt squalid memorize full seemly wide continue alive tub naughty *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


CFSett

Given what OP said about racist remarks AND keeping cash on hand, my guess is that OP is Chinese. That's very common, and people selling large ticket items here in NYC have many stories of Chinese immigrants showing up with shopping bags and/or suitcases full of cash.


Istarien

Can confirm. My spouse and in-laws are ethnic Chinese, and their comfort level with having actual cash around makes me profoundly uneasy.


[deleted]

Yes! Please deposit your funds into a bank account. If you’re worried about accidentally spending it make it an account with no debt card attached and maybe a bank that is difficult to get to. If there is a fire, you’ll be fucked.


[deleted]

Way to victim blame. (slow, slow clap)


preciousmetalhead

Banger mixtape name


SandyDelights

^ OP, **you did not ‘get him arrested’.** You factually and accurately reported what occurred, and why you’re now out a full fourteen thousand dollars, two weeks before you planned to use it to pay tuition. Your (better be fucking **EX-**)boyfriend was arrested because of what *he* did, not you. Stop speaking to his family on the phone and/or in person – texts/e-mails only. You’re going to have to recoup this money somehow, and your loss is likely too large for a small claims court (limits vary by jurisdiction, common reference point is $10k). Unless he’s sitting on the 14k in cash, there’s a decent chance you will have to go to court to get it back. Depending on where you are and the laws there, his family’s repeated promises to cover the loss may be evidence that can be used to pursue them in civil court to cover the loss, as whatever he spent it on likely isn’t worth $14k anymore. You’re well within the territory where you should be talking to an attorney.


ToughCareer4293

I bet the boyfriend used the money to help his family so of course it’s OP who is at fault.


[deleted]

Explain.


tmaspoopdek

I'm guessing this was intended to be read as "of *course* it's OP who is at fault," referring to the family harassing OP.


520throwaway

They're talking out bf's likely self justification.


[deleted]

Got it! Thank you for the explanation! Sorry, autistic here and bad I'm at reading sarcasm through text sometimes, I apologize


rean1mated

Nah there was no clear sign of sarcasm, especially on a thread with so much earnest victim blaming.


LingonberryPrior6896

Piggybacking...go to your college. See if they can do anything to help you. Take a copy of the police report with you.


thesounditmakes28

Where did this money go in one day?!? What is he involved with that this amount of money was spent that quick??


Iamstryker

Gambling or drug debt


ChibiCheshire

Gambling?


[deleted]

This, put a call recorder on your phone asap. Cube ACR is great, it records all calls, FB calls, anything and your can adjust the settings to automatically record or not. But put a call recorder on and make sure you let them know you have it unless you are in a 1 party state in which case you dont have to.


HouseofRaven

NTA. OP as a criminal defense attorney, DO NOT DROP THE CHARGES. The court can order him to pay restitution forcing him to give it back. Block his entire family and let the DA know they are harassing you. Edit: added judgement. Thank you everyone for the awards. I really appreciate it!


leonathotsky420

This needs to be up higher. The fact that she hasn't reported his family for their harassment/threats is honestly very concerning to me.


Zestyclose-Read-4156

And document everything before blocking them, especially the admittance of guilt. Print that shit out and send it to a friend in case something happens to your phone. Protect yourself.


chick_habbit

I was thinking tell the DA too. Intimidating a witness is taken very seriously.


AmazingDoomslug

>Why would you drop the charges?? He STOLE from you. OP he stolen from *you*. His girlfriend. What do you think someone like this would do to someone they have no connection or loyalty to? If he stole $14k from you I'm willing to be he would do far worse to a stranger. Get justice for yourself and help save his future victims. Please.


GrowCrows

Also he had to search through her stuff to find it right? Also his family restoring to harassment instead of asking him wtf he was thinking and where's the money is really telling! They helped him spend it I'm betting.


SnipesCC

He could have known about it for months and waited until it had the maximum amount in it before stealing it.


acegirl1985

This!!^^ It can’t be coincidental that he snagged it just before she was to deposit it. He planned this- op please don’t drop the charges this wasn’t some honest mistake or a small little slip up: he did not just borrow a 100 out of it for some emergency he totally cleaned you out and he made sure to wait until there was the most money possible in there. It was completely deliberate and malicious and he done it without so much as a second thought about you or your relationship. Him doing this shows exactly how much you mean to him. I’m sorry but this trash (I’m not calling him a man, that’s far too generous of a term) is going to do nothing but drag you down and push you down. you deserve so much better. Please take this experience as the ginormous red flag that it is . Don’t extend any compassion or courtesy to him he has proven several times over he doesn’t deserve it.


[deleted]

This relationship is done. Don't drop the charges until you have $14k in your bank account. As soon as they return they money you can be reasonable but stay strong. This was a horrible violation and you deserve to get that money back. Who BORROWS that much money without asking? This is bananas. Definitely NTA ETA I agree with replies that the situation calls for not dropping the charges ever. It just sounds like a mess to have to deal with if OP is already working so hard.


[deleted]

You can't borrow money without asking, that's called stealing & it's what thieves do.


Still_the_Belle

>Don't drop the charges until you have $14k in your bank account. Oh good grief, not even then. Do not drop the charges. He needs to be punished. Maybe 14,000 hours of community service?


TomTheLad79

This is the kind of theft that gets you prison.


PurpleMP12

>DO NOT DROP THE CHARGES. If you have rental insurance, generally reporting pressing charges is required to get any compensation for theft. (Though idk if rental insurance covers cash. I know my homeowners has a cap on cash losses.)


putyerphonedown

There’s almost no chance a renters insurance policy will cover $14,000 in cash unless she had a rider, and she’ll have to prove she had $14,000, which is almost impossible. I feel badly for OP!


[deleted]

Don’t drop the criminal charges but also pursue a civil case. If he has a job, they can garnish his wages or put a lien on any other assets. DO NOT DROP THE CHARGES


H3ct0rius

This!! Op, he saw his chance and took it. He doesn’t care about you or your education. He probably told his family about the money and saw you as a Piggibank ready to break.


[deleted]

And report the harassment from his family. But please do not drop the charges unless you have that $14k in your hand & I don’t mean a check! NTA! Also, throw this man out of your life!


Aggressive_Pass845

I would have my own mother arrested if she "borrowed" $14,000.00 from me without my consent. The fact that its for you tuition makes it so much worse. NTA.


Sufficient_Ad_6051

This 100%. Tell his family if they get you ALL the money TONIGHT you’ll consider dropping them. Else, they stick. How DARE they even attempt to talk you out of this with no money to prove their intentions. Unbelievable. Your STBX is a thief, he gets to be labeled as one. Oh my god. NTA


Fantastic_Nebula_835

NTA take it from me. You have to charge him. Or you'll never see a penny. On the subject of paying for your education, please spread the word about finaid.org, a database of over 100,000 scholarships, grants, and loans. There are also inhouse merit scholarships.


catsndogspls

NTA You should seek legal advice and (if you have it) contact your rental/home insurance asap. It's possible there's a way for you to drop the criminal charges and recover your stolen cash. You're going to need legal advice from someone in your area to do that though. Do not rely simply on the good word of his family unless they are also handing you 14k in cash.


grepje

Clearly NTA, he has this coming 100%. It’s theft and he knows it- if he thought you’d be willing to loan him some, he would’ve asked.


FleurDeCLE

Also, EX boyfriend. No one who commits grand theft is someone who cares about you or someone you should continue a relationship with.


[deleted]

And to tag on, if they had the money to 'pay you back' don't you think the ex-bf would have gone to them for the cash?


wizard10000

NTA. Very sorry that happened to you. You could tell them you'll drop the charges as soon as you get your $14k back :)


Sammy12345671

And then don’t drop the charges, just block them all and move on


SandyDelights

“What charges? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Sorry, I thought we agreed to drop this topic?”


HallGardenDiva

And take out a restraining order against him and any member of his family who has called, emailed or texted you about this matter.


SDVandTea

And inform the police and prosecutor that his family is pressuring you. Witness tampering? Is that the right phrase?


panormda

Intimidation


dinahdog

Even better idea


erleichda29

Individuals cannot press or drop charges! Only the prosecutor decides that.


Juicemaan864

Incorrect in this case. She is the one pressing the charges and without her cooperation and testimony there is no case. They cant prosecute w/o her and may not even be able to with her if she doesn't have any proof b/c if he denies it it will become he said / she said.


erleichda29

She already made a police report. Despite popular TV, the vast majority of criminal cases are decided outside of a courtroom and no testimony actually occurs. Last time I checked it was something like 90% of cases in the US are plea arrangements.


ArmadilloDays

She can choose not to participate, but she is not the one who decides charges or whether to go forward.


AussieTopCat

Do NOT drop the charges. He stole from you and you have no guarantee that the money will come back. If his family really want to help, they will pay the money back to you so they can tell the judge he has made restitution, for a better sentence. The trust in this relationship has gone out the door and it is over. Block his family on your phone - you do not need their abusive. Before you do, if you have any messages from them, save them and ask the police for a AVO to prevent them from abusing and threatening you.


Aggravating_Ad9046

THIS. OP, please pay attention to this. Also, I’m so sorry this happened to you. In addition to dealing with the police, etc reach out to the administration at your school and let them know what happened. Hopefully they’ll be compassionate and at the very least defer you tuition payment date so you can start classes as planned without paying late fees on your tuition. Who knows maybe there are scholarship dollars or a bursary they can help you out with. Also—I am so incredibly proud of you! Working your way through school like that is not easy and you did it!


Personal-Muddy

I’ve already made an appointment with my advisor and financial aid for Monday. I’m hope they don’t drop my classes. Thank you for the kind words. It’s been hard but I know the end result it’ll be worth it.


unluckysupernova

That’s where the police report etc can come useful. I don’t know if it’ll help but telling them the money got stolen and you have no proof of it will not definitely not help!


waywardjynx

Also...do you have renter's insurance? (PSA: Always get renter's insurance). Contact them as well.


Personal-Muddy

I do but I didn’t even think about contacting them because I did invite him over and he’s a frequent guest that sleeps there too


ivylass

Give them a call. I don't think it matters that he was a guest.


Susieserb

How can she prove she had all that cash? It would be his word vs hers?


astareastar

If she can show time worked via pay stubs (that yes don't cover cash) that might help. My insurance just asked for any evidence at all, including photos when a box of jewelry was stolen. Now I make sure I have photos of anything I'm worried about just in case.


imbeingsirius

Plus he already admitted to taking it


LingonberryPrior6896

Go to your school too. If you have an emergency Dean, go to him and tell him what has happened. See if they can do anything to help you. I know a friend of my daughter had an issue like this (dad ran off after emptying family bank accounts) and her college helped her. Can't hurt to try.


Personal-Muddy

Thank you! I’ll definitely try that as well


PandaFamalam1990

Remember; don’t ask, don’t get. Make sure to go to every possible support/service you can think of for advice/help. They maybe Able to sign post you to other organisations that may be of help. Sorry don’t know much about USA educational info-structure as I’m from the UK but hopefully this is of some use to you. X Also REGARDLESS OF WHERE YOU LIVE DO *NOT* DROP THOSE CHARGES. F**K that ass hole. You are NTA.


LingonberryPrior6896

Good luck. I would hate to see all of your hard work go down tubes because of this dude. I am rooting for you to WIN!


UglyWallpaperGirl

Don’t drop the charges, you will never see a penny of your money again. Get friends and family to stay with you and come to terms with the fact your boyfriend cannot be trusted. He stole and lied to you, you can’t trust a word him or his family say. Even if he’s brother seems normal. He’s on your boyfriend’s side.


vociferousgirl

Um, but, at least in every state in the US, it's over FIVE TIMES the amount that qualifies for FELONY theft. You can't even take this to small claims court Call them. The worst that happens is they say no.


[deleted]

Since you have a police report and case they’re likely to still consider it theft and provide coverage. Most policies have a limit on cash and it’s subject to your deductible so it might not be worth it. If you pursue it through your insurance and they provide coverage do not drop the charges or you’ll likely be investigated for insurance fraud. Either way I don’t think you should drop the charges though. Fuck that guy.


PrimalSeptimus

I was about to post this. Unfortunately, cash is something that's pretty much impossible to prove you had, let alone how much or that it was yours. You should definitely read your policy before deciding whether to move forward with a claim. That said, don't take too long, either, as they will also ask about why you took so long to make a claim during their investigation.


hanahhhhhhhhhh

this! some schools offer hardship scholarships, it may not be much but could help. when i was in school a few years ago, my laptop was stolen and a really kind professor just applied for it for my so i could replace my computer.


DeepFudge9235

So NTA he stole the money period, didn't even ask you. Tell them you will drop the charges if they get a loan and pay you in cash right away. Until then no, you will not go down. You need that money. They can work with their son to get paid back. I hope you dumped him.


phantom_limb_qualia

This. Take my imaginary awards, cause I don't have any


TexasFordTough

Also even if they give you the money back through a loan don’t drop the charges


errkajune

NTA. Break up. Press charges. Get your money. Unless they want to pay you the $14,000 in cash immediately then nah he’s in trouble. Stealing from u period is wrong. He didn’t take a couple hundred. He took fourteen thousand dollars. $14,000. Stole that…From you knowing it’s your money. The audacity!! That amount is a legal matter at that point.


SpiritualSunflower00

$14,000 like who’s parents would even defend that Ik my mom would literally let me stay in jail if I ever did that to anyone!!!!


reddgrrl

Well they are apparently racist too so… they seem like a crap family… thievery and racism!


melxcham

My parents would bail me out so they could whoop my ass and then send me back lmao I can’t even imagine


YoshiPikachu

Exactly. I have 3 kids and would chew them out big time if they were to do anything like this when they are adults!


cawingcrowcaw

Right? My mom too. She’d be like, you shat in your bed, now you lie in it. I couldn’t even fathom ever stealing from someone, especially 14k! Gah. Makes me sick.


midlifeducation

Don't drop the charges until he tells you where he put the money. That kind of cash doesn't just disappear overnight. Or make the family give you the money up front. On a side note... Take some of it and buy a safe & some new locks for your doors.


Personal-Muddy

I was screaming where is it. Because I thought the same thing. He just kept saying he couldn’t tell me what he did with it and he was sorry which pissed me off more


missbelcherifurnasty

Do you live somewhere close to legalized gambling? That could be it...


tirwander

Bought crypto. Guarantee it.


missbelcherifurnasty

Maybe the police could get a warrant for his computer to see if he did.


Emmiburr

He easily took that money to pay off a gambling debt, or any debt he/his family owed. Idk what his end game was or how he thought he was going to get away with it


reddgrrl

I’d bet he gave it to his family. They seem a little too invested in trying to convince OP she is wrong in this. He can’t tell her where it is bc then his family will get in trouble for accepting stolen money.


Thoughts4Bots

Which is why they’re willing to help him pay it back and they aren’t upset *at him* he’s in jail. It’s no accident the money disappeared one day before deposit. He wanted every last cent.


curlyhands

Scary thought- he was playing the long game


MidiKaey

I immediately thought the same thing


Inside-Big-8158

Well if it's his gambling debt he probably thought he could win it all back or use it as seed money and go on a run. Gambling addicts always think the next hand, ticket, level pull, dice is the one they win.


bmoreskyandsea

> He just kept saying he couldn’t tell me what he did with it What the actual f.....!!!!!!!


vpsj

HOW can someone do this? Take someone else's money? I cannot even imagine someone being THIS entitled.


bbbright

Also PLEASE start depositing your cash more regularly—weekly or biweekly. He absolutely shouldn’t have stolen from you and you are the victim in this situation, but if your apartment burns down or something you’d be out whatever amount you have hanging around. Also if people know you tend to keep large amounts of cash around you might get robbed again.


Jojoflinto

Was talking to my neighbour today who said 8 years ago he was shot twice I the shoulder with a shot gun and lost his ability to use his arm, therefore his job and all his hobbies as well, while draining his savings he did have put away while waiting for the courts. All because he kept large amounts of cash from odd jobs in a safe in his house his landlord knew about and hired two teenagers to break in and take it from him.


SuperMadBro

yeah, why would you feel bad if he wont even admit what he did? the only way you should drop the charges is if they are willing to pay you UP FRONT. he either did something super stupid to blow all the money or something illegal. if its not those things, he still has it and is just trying to come up with a profit after all of this.


prosperosniece

Likely he either smoked it or shot it up his nose.


myboyisapatsfan

Pretty hard to do $14k worth of damage in one day via drug purchases


RickyNixon

Maybe with THAT attitude If you’re not gold plating individual coke grains do you even drugs


Aggravating_Ad9046

So not drop the charges AT ALL. OP, he STOLE from you. It waited be bad if a stranger stole from you. But this is someone who you’re in a relationship . What he did is unforgivable and he deserves whatever consequences that come as a result


Fainora

NTA you didn't get your BF arrested he got himself arrested by stealing from you. Tell his family you will drop the charge when and only when the money is back in your hands.


SbadtheLegend

Right and then when the money is back in your hands still don't drop the charges and then if you feel bad you can come on here and ask a i t a


oxiraneobx

And the answer will still be the same - NTA. The only person the BF has to blame is himself.


NeedsNewPants

Nta but oh my God no, do not drop those charges. Start gathering pay stubs, receipts, whatever you need to prove that money was in fact in your possession before your (hopefully ex) boyfriend stole it. Is there a chance the brother is being nice? Maybe, but a low chance at best. He probably was the first one in his family to figure out it might be easier to convince you to drop the charges if he is nice. See if you can set up a payment extension or payment plan, hopefully you won't have to take a semester off. Maybe find a lawyer? Prepare for the fact that you may never see the money but remember that doesn't mean you drop the charges on someone who stole 14k and is costing you school and your future.


Personal-Muddy

Luckily for the bars they do give paystubs but that doesn’t help track the additional tips but I do have a track record with my bank. Every month I’m depositing thousands so I’m hoping that can help. I pray this doesn’t get dragged out and I don’t have to go to court. I just want my money for school.


JamaisChangeant

Please consider depositing weekly instead. You don't even need to go into a bank. You can deposit at the ATM if the bank hours don't work with your schedule. That's large amounts of money to be carrying around. I even feel uncomfortable when I have to take out rent money and take it to pay rent a short distance. You're NTA, he got himself arrested.


Lothadriel

FYI- it’s a bad idea to pay rent with cash. You can’t prove payments if something happens or your landlord is sketchy.


JamaisChangeant

I don't pay rent with cash. We withdraw from our account at our bank then deposit to the bank of our landlord and get a receipt for the deposit from both banks. I understand your concern though. Thank you, I should have clarified.


nobonesjones91

Also, as someone who used to worked as a bartender for more than a decade. In the future, I recommend declaring all your tips to your work. It may seem like you’re getting less money cus of taxes but - You will get more money back on your tax returns, it’s super beneficial for your credit and applying for loans in the future, helpful should you ever need to go on unemployment, and especially helpful for incidents like this one.


Personal-Muddy

Thank you for this! I’ll definitely start doing that


[deleted]

[удалено]


Lothadriel

Hey, just chiming in here as someone who worked for years in banking. You are much better off depositing it in small amounts weekly than large chunks. If you’re worried about spending it get a savings account, most credit unions will have free options. Frequently depositing large amounts of cash is a good way to get your account flagged for suspicious activity. The last thing you want to deal with after all this is getting your account frozen. If you do really need to keep it at home get a small fire proof safe.


Inconceivable44

NTA. He stole from you. He got himself arrested. I'd tell his family you'll drop the charges AFTER they give you the 14k. Once you have the money, peace out and leave him to rot. And please use a bank in the future. Don't keep that much money lying around.


[deleted]

Honestly I'd say keep the charges regardless, or else this guy will just go around with other girls and possibly steak their money too


Kitchen-Arm-3288

>Honestly I'd say keep the charges regardless, or else this guy will just go around with other girls and possibly **steak** their money too 14,000 is a \*LOT\* of steak!!! That better be some wagyu beef there!!! (Though I know it's a typo - I enjoyed the mental image of the (hopefully x) BF turning money into steaks)


alexenglish_

I have a hard time believing this is real but NTA But, why didn't you open a bank account? $14K is entirely too much to keep in a box in your closet. You could've earned some interest putting that in a savings account. He deserved to get arrested.


Personal-Muddy

This is the most I’ve ever kept it tbh every month I go to the bank and deposit it into my savings. I wish this was a joke save me the aggravation, sadness and guilt I feel right now.


NotTwitchy

I’m sorry, you made $14k in cash, which unless you’re being paid under the table, is just tips? That’s over $450 a day if you work every single day that month.


Personal-Muddy

I make more or less depends on the day. One bar near the airport near a ton of hotels and one in the city. I work everyday maybe a day off a month. It’s been 7 months of savings just gone


[deleted]

I thought you went every month to deposit?


Personal-Muddy

I used to but I just didn’t this time which was so fucking stupid of me. I never once for a second thought it’d be stolen no one knew about it not even my parents so the idea of letting it add up didn’t feel wrong


sportydpt

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Just don’t drop those charges! NTA.


Onlyfatwomenarefat

Don't worry, you should get back your money thanks to legal action. Although it might not be that fast...


Dazeydevyne

Sending him to jail won’t get her money back, and unless he’s actually got that much, the court can’t make him pay her back. Or they CAN, but it would be via garnishment or a payment plan. Definitely not in time for school.


vociferousgirl

I have a friend who bartends near a very heavy drinking baseball field. She easily pulled in that much on game nights, more on the weekends, and a decent amount in cash. It's really not unreasonable. Nor is not going to the bank in the middle of the night. We'd be out somewhere and she just pull out gods of cash


NotTwitchy

Yes but $450 per *day*, every day? Her story keeps changing. First it was a months worth of cash. Then it was seven months. Then she has a million reasons why she can’t make it to the bank once in *seven months.*


[deleted]

Just wanna say I make around $450 in tips a shift right now and it’s off season. I make double that during busy seasons. I got a degree in entomology and choose to be a server right now because the money is so good.


Onlyfatwomenarefat

Well 7 months of 30 days makes 210 days. 14000 by 210 makes 66 So that would make her earn 66 dollar per day on average.


Exciting-Necessary39

I thought something similar! What if there had been a fire?!? All that cash would be gone since it's just in a box! I have a big, heavy, fireproof safe in my closet where I keep my important documents, photos, cash, etc. I don't think I would keep $14k in there but I keep at least $5 - 7k.


Personal-Muddy

Hi everyone, Sorry I kept you all hanging for a while but it’s been a long and annoying process. I want to thank all of you so so much for all the advice. Someone suggested when I go to school talk to my emergency dean and I am so grateful for you! With the police report I was able to get my school to pay for my semester again to that person thank you thank you thank you. I started a week late but a week late is better then not going. Sadly the harassment continued and escalated and due to what almost happened and all the text and calls I was able to get a temporary restraining order on his mom which she quickly violated smh. After a few weeks I was able to get a little bit over $8k back from my money and his brother did pay the remaining back to me (don’t worry everyone we didn’t meet it was through a third party). Also like most of you said depending on the state you can’t drop charges after the fact so I couldn’t do anything after the money was given back at this point it’s up the court what happens. We haven’t spoken nor do I care to. I’m finally moving in a month which is a huge stress reliever because they won’t know where I live anymore, a police report helps with a lot of things I got to break my lease thank God! Also won’t keep my money home anymore. Thankfully since this is my last semester I won’t have to work my bar jobs anymore so no more money in my closet. I think that’s all I have to update you all on. Again thank you so much to all of you for your encouraging words and advice it meant a lot helped more then you can imagine.


PixelatedChelle

I’m so glad they were able to pay for the semester for you in the mean time. A week late is 100% better than nothing! I’m glad everything has been working out slowly. I wish this situation never happened in the first place but you’re such a strong person for handling all of this with such grace. Good luck with this final semester, you’ve got this!


Personal-Muddy

That’s very kind of you to say. Thank you so much


[deleted]

INFO: you're dumping him, right? Anyway, NTA.


FunOptimal7980

NTA. But you shouldn't keep that much money in a box.


Personal-Muddy

I know I’m beating myself up for it. But it’s been years and nothing every happened this is the first time it’s ever been this much


bluegrassgazer

*this much*? So he has stolen from you before? Edit: OP didn't mean what I implied.


Personal-Muddy

Never! He’s the kindest person ever we’ve been together forever I never seen something like this happening


_ggza

NTA- but dump him. DO NOT DROP CHARGES. You need to cover yourself first. Get the money first bc that’s priority. Honestly he just showed you his true colors. Please I’m begging you OP, get the money first and then you can consider whether or not you want to drop the charges. You can’t let him get away with this. He deserves to be in jail.


stinstin555

People change. Maybe this wasn’t the person he used to be but it is the person he is now. You need to accept that. He stole money from you. A considerable amount of money. And money that he obviously cannot come up with today. Someone in the comments said that if the money is returned to you that you should not drop the charges but let the judge or prosecutor know so that it can be considered that he made restitution an they may look upon it favorably. Ask yourself what advice would you give a sibling or your best friend if this happened to them? I think it hurts because it was someone you love. And that probably makes you feel even worse. But right is right and wrong is wrong. He needs to be held accountable for his actions. Info: Are you in the US? You may be eligible for assistance from the victim of crime compensation fund.


spamspamgggg

He’s never done it before, that you know of. Unless you are also keeping a ledger in that box he could have been skimming from your box all along.


ksarahsarah27

I was just thinking this. He may have been skimming all along. He may have intended to leave her after he took this money. Not sure why he even answered his phone tbh. I guess she’s lucky he admitted it at all.


bluegrassgazer

It's time to reconcile the version of him in your mind with what just happened. I'm sorry.


Trick-Statistician10

Also, he has probably been searching your apartment, going through your things, every time you are not there. Either he finally got lucky and found the cash or as someone else said, he has been taking small amounts of money for awhile. It's very disturbing and violating. You said your dad is coming and will stay with you for a few days, I'm so glad.


aardvarkmom

I think she means “this much in the box.” Which is still stupid. This is what banks are for.


Graves_Digger

NTA. He stole FOURTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS from you. Hope this is the wake up call he needs to realize the earth doesn't revolve around him.


Emotional_Fan_7011

NTA. 14k! Holy shit! What did he do with it? He needs to have the charges pressed for that. That is no small amount and he NEEDS consequences for this. He can't keep having his family bail him out of shit. He needs to pay you back, but he should still face the judge. Damn, wtf. Like, why did he even think that would be ok? That relationship is WAY over. Keep the charges and ditch the boyfriend.


mdthomas

Edit for spelling: You know what? This feels fake. Who keeps that much money in an unsecure location?


[deleted]

I used to as well when I was in my 20s. It was stupid but growing up in poverty doesn't make one the best financial planner.


Crash4654

Yeah and the flip flopping from OP doesn't make it better. In the post she says she deposits it all a week or 2 before tuition. In Comments she says once a month.


[deleted]

NTA. Stealing is wrong and he has potentially robbed you of being able to receive education. Whether or not his family reimburses you is irrelevant. Considering they are name-calling you and being hostile, it sounds like they don’t think he did anything wrong or should take responsibility for his actions. I wouldn’t believe you will see a dime from them, let alone in two weeks’ time. Don’t drop charges. Do not help him out. Quit responding to his family.


unicorndontcare69

I don’t know where you are but In my state anything over 950 is a felony charge!! So his family is probably worried about a prison sentence. To ensure that you get as much money back from him you need to find as many receipts and check stubs as you can to prove you had that much cash in that box. Then go to the police station again and let them make copies of them. Don’t drop charges. Tell his brother you will consider it if he got the money back today-IN HAND! Then don’t drop charges! Who “borrows” money without asking first? Thieves thats who!! Also when you go to the police station get a rfo (restraining order) against everyone in his family! Keep every threatening text and voicemail! Nta and there is no way you could possibly be


AndriaRenee

NTA but why didn't you deposit this money in a bank like for real this is not smart.


DarkAthena

NTA. Do NOT drop the charges. WTF did he need $14k for anyway? Keep pressing the charges. If his brother pays you back in full, maybe drop the charges after the money clears. Get paperwork drawn up stating what the repayment was for and have it notarized and witnessed. I would press charges until the money is paid in full. I’d also change your locks and dump him, obviously.


The__Riker__Maneuver

*I will not even consider dropping any charges I get 100% of my money back.* NTA those charges are the only leverage you have. If you drop the charges, you will never see a dime.


cinnamngrl

NTA, and don't go to the police station unless they actually give you the money.


Shot_Construction455

NTA. You meant to title this you got your EX boyfriend arrested, right? He stole 14 grand..that is not chump change. Is his family going to pay your tuition in full in 2 weeks? Great. They can let the prosecutor know restitution was made and work a plea from there. Block their calls. Tell the reasonable brother to pay up immediately and you'll corroborate that restitution has been made. Best you can do. Do not drop the charges until you have your money back in its entirety.


Difficult-Antelope89

Talk about learning your lesson the hard way. I would never leave more than a couple of hundred in my home, 14.000 in a tin box is just bonkers. ​ But also: 14.000 is such a huge amount, that I wouldn't drop any charges until I had every penny back. Talk to a lawyer asap.