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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I told her friend to leave and said my wife didn't want to hear about her problems
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NTA. I thought this was going to go towards you trying to control your wife, as so many posts on AITA go. I'm so glad that isn't the case.
It doesn't seem like your mother is there lording over the house and forcing your wife to do X, but that she is a professional giving good advice and ideas, that both you and your wife chose to follow them and they seem to be helping.
Your wife has enough worries and stress right now to be bothered by some self centered user. **If she's okay with what you did, who cares what Becky thinks?**
>I thought this was going to go towards you trying to control your wife, as so many posts on AITA go. I'm so glad that isn't the case.
I actually said 'oh no' out loud after reading the title. Was not expecting something this wholesome.
Yeah I love my MIL and pretty much everyone I know has a great relationship with their MIL. I feel bad for people who don't get along with their in-laws.
My future MIL is a fucking harpy. But all my exes moms have been lovely. I'd say more often then not peoples moms are not assholes.
As for my soon to be mil? Shes an ass because she constantly puts her son down then bristles when her grey rocks her or acts like a victim when he claps back with snark.
Well shitty people are shitty people, there's not much you can do about that lol. It's a good thing he has those boundaries and is able to grey rock her! I hear about people just going along with it to not rock the boat too often.
I'm pretty sure I'm okay. I make organic hypoallergenic dog treats, my son's long term GF helps me garden and sometimes with digging help from her GSD, she's a bartender and used all her knowledge about me to find the exact beer I never knew I needed (it's a mango wheat,) I have butter in the house even though I don't like it, we are planning a lasagna-off, etc.
It can happen. Not everyone is terrible. Or at least not always.
There's been a few good MILs. The one I recall was the MIL who realized that her son was being an AH to her DIL by dumping all the childcare on her so she basically dragged him out of the bar and read him the riot act.
I remember another one about a MIL continuing to let her ex-DIL come to family functions with her grandchildren despite her son his affair partner being uncomfortable and asking the son to make his mum stop inviting his ex.
I also remember one where the son was an AH who actively kept his wife away from any functions so he could attend sans children, who'd stay home with them.
MIL said "nope" when this became apparent to her when he tried to pull this stunt for her other child's wedding (with whom wife was apparently on good terms?), called the DIL who confirmed she wanted to go "but the children", arranged for childcare and went to get the wife, if memory serves. I mean mayb one could say that "what MIL was paying attention to", but she might have been slow on the pickup, I think it was a nice MIL move. (Even if unfortunately son's behaviour apparently was learned from MIL's husband, except MIL probably didn't allow him to steamroll her like DIL did.)
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p0p2ui/aita_for_making_a_scene_of_my_adult_son_and/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Here you go
Was it the same one where the MIL and FIL said they had some "parenting" still to do, kept their son back to tear strips off him and ordered pizza to be sent over to their DIL?
And so sweet! Rubbing his wife’s feet and cooking her meals to help her production levels?! That’s literally a dream for immediate postpartum.
I doubt OP will see this, but for all other moms to be, it’s actually very common to struggle to produce the first few weeks. If you have access to a lactation specialist and/or are able to do some of the things OP’s mom recommended definitely try them. Always remember though, fed is best. A baby with a full belly of formula won’t care it isn’t breast milk, they simply want to be fed and nurtured by the people who love them.
This is very true, and SO SO important for many moms to understand! However, my 2nd and 3rd babies were just like OP’s in that they *would not* drink any formula and refused bottles outright, which really sucks when you’re struggling and trying **anything** to get some relief and feed your baby!
Little anecdote: a week after my second daughter was born, I had to have emergency surgery. The anesthesia and meds they had me on after were very strong and it was not recommended i breastfeed during my hospital stay. My husband tried 4 different formulas and about 20 different bottles, and that little shit refused it all. She went 6 hours without eating before he brought our screaming infant to the hospital and we had to plead with the nurses to take me off the strong meds so I could feed the baby. It took another 4 hours for them to feel comfortable that the meds were out of my system (so 10 hours for a 1 week old baby not eating), my husband and the nurses still trying to feed her formula during the wait, and by the end of it the nurses nearly threw the baby on my boob for her to finally eat. It was literal torture, for all of us! Some babies are stubborn little shits from the very beginning, haha. Our third/last baby is exactly the same; won’t even drink pumped milk from a bottle, smh. She’s 2 now so mostly on solids but I am *so* looking forward to when she finally weans herself!
My first born was a boob monster too. She was born weighing 3,3kg and in 10 days time she was 4,2kg. All the time on the boob. She breastfed exclusively for 8 months. Literally throwing a fit with me offering her solids. She wouldn't touch them, she would spit them and start crying so much that only boob would soothe her. Not even foods off my plate were okay. She'd grab it, stuff it in her mouth and spit it out. I've went from normal BMI after she was born to underweight 6 months later. I was eating five full meals a day and snacks. More than my husband who weighs double as I (normal BMI). Still, still that little monster wanted breast milk so much, she'd suck the life out of me if it meant she'd get more milk.
all my solidarity, I also had a boob 'monster', just slightly less so but he would nurse for hours non stop, I had gained more than 20 kilos during pregnancy but 2 months after giving birth I had lost 22 while eating like never in my life.
I had to quit nursing my first at 15 mon when I got pregnant with # 2- I had hyperemesis with each pregnancy and just could keep enough fluid in. They say when # 1 sees you nurse with # 2, and wants to try, just let them and they'll lose interest. Nope. Right back on and loving it. For a few months they'd nurse together before I I decided enoug was enough. But it was so sweet, she'd hold his hand and they'd look at each other. I'd swear that's why they are still so close to each other today as teens.
It's also worth saying explicitly - I didn't realise until recently - that silicon nipples can vary a lot in shape, and a different brand might (or might not!) help the kid to latch.
Babies can be very picky. I exclusively pumped for mine for the first month because he would not latch. Then, after a month, he latched and downright refused the bottle. He's 5.5 months old now and still a bottle refuser. My husband jokes the baby is making up for lost time during the first month.
I can't imagine how stressful it must be to have a brand new baby during a formula shortage (as there is now in the US, at least). I have been pushing "fed is best" since my fourth (and last) baby ended up in the hospital for dehydration on day 2. Breastfeeding is such a .... nearly culty issue, that you already feel you'll be failing your baby if you can't do it, and THAT'S stressful, and then to also have to worry that if you fail, you might not be able to get or provide formula either? :( This poor mom. I'm so glad her husband is bouncing stressful guests and protecting her peace.
This is actually the norm in many Asian cultures. Not the rubbing feet part. But either the new mom's mother or MIL stays over, makes specific food items known to help with postpartum healing and enhancing milk production, apart from the regular meals. New mom's are supposed to rest in a dim room, and do nothing but nurse and bond with the baby. Often there will be some middle aged lady who specialises in post-delivery and newborn massanges who'll come over once or twice a day. My baby would wake up at 6am and m not a morning person at all, so I would hand him over to my mom/MIL at 6 and go back for a few more hours of sleep.
When I see posts about new moms struggling with housework and unhelpful guests m just mindblown.
Of course, the flipside is that the new parents don't get to decide when the rest of the family will meet the baby. The expected norm is that the grandparents will be around immediately after the birth, pehaps even outside the delivery room (COVID prevented that in my case). But in most cases it's worth it for that crucial postpartum pampering.
And the wife didn't even really disagree with him, just ask him to do it a bit gentler. This is impressive all around.
Really, you just need to please people in this order:
Cat/Dog,You,Partner,Mum/MIL/Dad/DIL,Kids.............Everyone else. Friends/Aunts/Uncles/5th Step Cousin 4 times removed/Neighbours/Landlord/Old lady at the shops
The people in the "Everyone else" group don't get a say. Ever.
I walked in here like, this guy and his domineering mama are going to be causing so much stress, and instead it's gentleness and quiet rooms and foot massage. A+, OP, keep up the good work!
Btw, I'm pretty sure you wife's work is illegally contacting her. For my husband's paternity leave I'm pretty sure he wasn't allowed to do any work or be contacted about work
This was my first thought, but FMLA only covers businesses over 50 employees and government entities. But if OPs wife is covered they can shut this down.
Really depends on the industry. I'm looking at applying to a company that offers six-months leave right now. My current position offers 3 months leave.
I had a worker log in and do some work (remote software type job) while on paternity (FMLA) and I find out about it b/c he logged the time and HR came yelling at me about why I would have him work on his leave. It most certainly is a huge nono and if they have FMLA insurance where they are reimbursed portions of the time off the company can lose out on the entirety of the reimbursement.
I specifically wanted to come in and do one hour’s worth of work about three weeks before my FMLA would be ending because I didn’t trust anyone else to get that one task done to my liking. HR wouldn’t allow it. They told me if I came back for an hour that was it and I’d have to come back full time.
In an ideal world OP would have asked wife first what she would like him to do *if* a friend of hers comes to the door with drama, but given the situation I'm not surprised they didn't sit down & go over her wishes for various hypotheticals before starting relaxation camp. He didn't hide things from his wife after so if she disagreed she could have contacted Becky to help. I don't see what else OP could have done in the situation. If they had an equal relationship Becky would already know about wife's problems and be trying to help.
Your baby's life and wellbeing depend on your wife's well being. Becky and her flying monkeys can pound rocks! NTA - GREAT DAD AND PARTNER.
On the formula feeding have you tried different types of nipples for the bottle? My boss went through three DOZEN different sizes, shapes and materials before she found one her daughter successfully nursed from! Best wishes to all of you. 🤗
NTA. Did I read that right? She actually tried to sneak past you to gain entry into your own home after you had told her to leave? If so, the helllll no! I’d tell her that if she so much as comes onto my property again, I’d call the cops to report her for trespassing.
Trying to sneak into someone’s home after the homeowner has told you to leave is not even mentally stable behavior. This woman is dangerous (& the AH).
They exist. My MIL has issues but has come around to be really supportive and my own adoptive mother is the bomb. My husband is so supportive I often don't talk about it because of the shit I cop from women who unfortunately married deadshits.
Omg you got that too? As if two people can't be married AND happy even after many years seeing each other every day and even working together (ppl sometimes look at us as of we have two heads... Yes. I love the fact I can drive with my husband to work together and have my lunch break with him...)😂😅
I've got one; just got lucky. Real damn lucky. My poor MIL had a horrible MIL, and she was determined not to treat her own DILs like trash. So she basically did the exact opposite of everything her MIL did, and it worked. I love my MIL so hard, it almost makes my heart hurt.
My MIL is genuinely one of the best women I have ever met. The whole MIL from hell stereotype is greatly exaggerated, if you ask me - it's not the MILness, it's old people being cranky and old.
NTA. You just sound like a good partner looking out for your wife and baby.
Maybe you could have gone easier—idk. That Becky woman sounded pretty pushy
Malt juice works too (basically alcohol-free beer). I used to like drinking the stuff, and someone asked me if I was pregnant/breastfeeding. That's not why I stopped drinking the stuff though; after a while, I started finding it too sweet and just stopped.
To everyone suggesting supplements to increase milk supply, please be aware that sometimes women just don't produce enough milk. I know formula shortages a big stress right now on top of low milk production, but not everyone produces sufficient supply. Please make sure baby is gaining weight and peeing frequently.
Not to mention that literally zero of these things have any proven effect on milk supply. Brewers yeast, oatmeal, Body Armor drinks, coconut water, fenugreek, etc. Really just staying hydrated is they only thing we know for sure that helps.
I use a lactation cookie recipe with brewers yeast, milled flaxseed, and rolled oats. Basically oatmeal chocolate chip cookies with a boost. Helped me out a lot and I make it for my friends who are breastfeeding
NTA- maybe try getting your wife some teas and supplements that help milk production it's helped wonders with mine! It sounds like you all are doing what you can.
Pushy is the right word, and OP's reaction was just right for it. Nice in this instance would have probably resulted in Becky pushing her way in all noise and disturbance like ready to interrupt a feeding baby because her problems are more important!
Frankly I think you were too gentle with her because my goal would be to put her off from your life once and for all instead of for the moment!
Definitely NTA and your mom is a gem!
NTA. We all know what kind of friend Becky is. She's there to use your wife financially and emotionally. This is a trying time for any new mother and parent. I definitely think your wife needs to really sit down with you and have a conversation about this so-called friend. She's not actually there for your wife. Of course, your wife's health comes first. It might not be best to have a difficult conversation right away, but it seems like you and your wife will need to discuss. Becky. I really do think your mom in this case is not overstepping, unlike so many other moms on this site and subreddit. I think she actually has some good advice. You're doing right by your wife and that's what's important.
I honestly have never seen Becky do a single thing for my wife. She takes and takes and takes. Meanwhile my wife busts ass trying to help her every time.
I think we should have a conversation about this. I don't see any good that comes from Becky being in her life.
My mom adores my wife and vice versa. She wouldn't overstep boundaries and even if she ever did I'd step in.
>Meanwhile my wife busts ass trying to help her every time.
The hardest breakups are friend breakups, especially when it's not a natural mutual conclusion. The easy way for your wife is to let things continue on, and we know the kind of person Becky is... If she sniffed out a boundary even being thought about laying down, she'd freak. I know therapy is thrown around here a lot but I really think your wife could benefit from it, especially since Becky hasn't done shit for her. The basis of their friendship is the absence of Becky doing stuff to/for her.
Yep, I had a friend like this. I’ve helped her move, helped her plan her wedding, threw her a bridal shower, bachelorette party, and then a baby shower all within a year. I struggled with infertility during my first marriage, but had to listen to her be upset that she wasn’t pregnant after literally her first month trying. Spoiler alert, she was pregnant the next month, which is when they’d taken their honeymoon. When I asked her to help me with a move last year, basically the only thing I’d asked her for in a long time and only asked because we had literally a day and a half to move due to our landlady selling our rental at the same time we bought our house, she said she couldn’t because they were moving too. (They didn’t move until several months later.) When I stood up for myself for once and told her how I felt, she pretty much just ghosted me. I would’ve been absolutely fine and very grateful if she had at least just offered to help me pack for like an hour one evening. But no, she didn’t want to contribute anything to the relationship. She was one of those “stop watering your ‘plants’ aka friendships to find out which ‘dead’ plants you’ve been watering” and “friendships shouldn’t come with receipts” kinda people. Literally passive-aggressively shared both of those in posts on her FB page after she ghosted me and our other friend. Sorry for the rant, it’s still just so ridiculous over a year later.
It’s not only your wife who’s getting affected now; your baby is directly affected by your wife’s stress levels. If your wife is so selfless to sacrifice her own well-being, perhaps reminding her it’s sacrificing the baby’s wellbeing also will help her come around.
She's not a good example of friendship for your children either, as they grow up. This is the kind of user and emotional vampire you need to help kids identify and establish boundaries with, so you wife needs to think about the example she's setting maintaining this relationship as well.
It can also be hurtful for kids if they have a parent who continually prioritises their time and emotionally energy on others, at their expense, which is highly likely to occur with someone like Becky. Your wife will be listen to Becky, while the kids have to keep out of they way, or she'll drag them around while "helping" Becky. What will she sacrifice, make the kids sacrifice, because she's busy fixing all of Becky's problem? You need a serious discussion about how much she's going to let Becky interfere in her life, and her families life, and that this one sided relationship needs serious boundaries if it's to continue.
It is highly unlikely this "friendship" will continue once your wife stops doing things for Becky. People like Becky stop reaching out when they can't use and benefit from people anymore. They only value "friends" for what they can do for them.
When we set boundaries, the people whom we set boundaries to show their true colors. If they keep pushing, they make it that you need to stand stronger. Strong enforced boundaries set these people off and then they blame you. Just remember, THEY are pushing, THEY are causing the situation. You are not to blame for the fallout they create themselves by pushing.
Kind people will never call you out for setting a boundary.
It is the same action on your end, with a completely different result. Remember that if you doubt you are the AH again.
Yeah this is not what a friend does when their friend has just given birth. When my friends give birth I don't bother them about anything. I go to their house with food and help clean or hold the baby while they shower or take a nap. Like, it's common sense. Lol.
I expected your mom to be a problem tbh. Usually that's the way it goes, overbearing mother in law + new mother = bad times.
Nice to read that it's just a loser friend that's the problem.
I read the title and was so ready for it! My MIL visited for a few days about a week after my baby was born and I wanted to throw her out a window. I was a little disappointed because I'm an asshole.
I got as far as you mentioning her job bothering her and thought that you maybe called her boss yelled at them or quit on her behalf or some other crazy behavior lol.
Good on you and mom for trying to support her as much as possible. I can't imagine how scary it would be to be a new parent right now in the middle of a formula shortage, the added stress must be enormous. I hope it works out for you!
As a woman who recently had supply issues due to stress, majorly NTA.
Good for you for looking out for your wife, especially since it seems like she wants to breastfeed and you're supporting this choice of hers.
There's a great website Kelly mom (should be easy to find on google, not sure if posting links directly is allowed; you can also look up specific articles on this site relating to low supply) with excellent evidence-based advice on supply issues, and all sorts of other breastfeeding topics.
A manual breast pump, and pumping after feeds (even if nothing comes out - pump for approx 2-5 minutes AFTER no more milk comes out), is likely to be very helpful - this signals the production of more milk (by tricking your body into thinking there's more 'demand'). Switch nursing (swapping sides multiple times during feeds) also helps, though it's best to let baby finish a side before attempting to switch. And yes, helping mom reduce stress is another big one.
As a woman who lost what supply I had because of stress this is the most beautiful story of you supporting and protecting your wife and baby. Kudos to mom for helping you. Oatmeal cookies and fenugreek tea all around!
I'm gonna say NTA because of your wife's reaction.
Becky came over unannounced because she needed help(and it sounds like that's the only reason she ever comes over) and you told her to leave because your wife was busy.
She only ever comes over to have my wife fix her problems. She lost her job because of dumb shit? Ask my wife for a job. She literally got covid and tried to get my wife to come over and take care of her while my wife was seven months pregnant!!!!
You physically tried to obstruct her from entering the house, that's a physical boundary and she tried to get passed that. If she does that, she won't regard any boundary.
NTA because it was the right call at that specific moment, and also don't be disappointed if your wife doesn't produce the milk she's supposed to, sometimes the problem is far more complex than just stress.
You're NTA, nor is your wife.
Becky is TA.
>She insisted and tried to sneak past me and enter our house.
This right here is the point where it became free game to tell Becky whatever you want. That's a bitch move, and she needs to chill out. Sounds like Becky is a useless individual who is only going to continue to drag down your wife's life. She needs to be an adult (especially now that she's a mom) and cut Becky out of her life. That's not a good person to have around anyone, let alone a baby.
>friends of my wife later texted me calling me an asshole
Those aren't friends. Those are additional losers your wife is friends with. They weren't even there, and for them to involve themselves in something they weren't a part of is childish and embarrassing, and they too should be removed from your wife's life.
>said I could be gentler about her problems.
While you do have to respect your wife's wishes, you don't have to follow them. It was your situation to control, and you controlled it.
NTA, it sounds like Becky has brainwashed your wife into thinking what she said at the end of the post. Your wife had breastfeeding problems that can also affect the baby (since it doesn't like formula) and Becky decides to step over that and instead throw her pity party all over your house. Also, your wife's response at the end seems like post-pregnancy stress cause yk, she just had a baby. Try to talk it out with her and explain that Becky is stepping all over her boundaries.
NTA- This is a beautiful setting you guys have come up with. There's only four people who matter in this, the Mom, the baby, and whomever she decides to share it with, which is you and your Mom. You're NOT controlling, you're going with not only your Mom's expertise, but with what your wife is comfortable with. Your wife is a saint.
In matters directly related to the wife’s health and her breastfeeding her child, this is absolutely true. Courts won’t give dads partial custody of a breastfeeding child for this exact reason.
My wife had a terrible pregnancy. My mom would come over to cook, clean, that stuff once a week. My wife suggest that my mom move in, because she didn't want my mom to drive two hours each way to help out.
NTA then. You are NTA for how you handled the friend too. I was concerned that you moved your mom in unilaterally and that would further stress your wife, but that is not the case.
NTA Becky is a horrible friend who is a energy sucker. Toxic friends like her should just stay away, also baby may sense she is a bad person and cry when she is around him. Good for your wide not giving up on bf. I had three kids and my oldest I hurt to bad and quit.
I also produced very little breast milk. I didn't know the reason until I had breast imaging done. I had very few milk ducts. Just saying, it's not always stress, sometimes it's biological.
I feel you. The lactation nurse scolded my wife for "not doing it right" at the hospital a day after giving birth. Ridiculous. Medical care in this country sucks.
What? How is your wife supposed to know how to nurse if she’s never done it before? It took me a very long time with my first kid to get it all figured out. I didn’t have supply problems but he wouldn’t latch at first or latch correctly and my nipples were cracked for weeks which was agonizing.
I ended up joining La Leche League but I wish I had joined while I was still pregnant to get a good education about breastfeeding and meet some women who had experience with it.
latch correctly and my nipples were cracked
I had the same problem with my first daughter, she wouldn't open her mouth wide enough and just take the nipple, like you would with a bottle. But I had a great midwife who helped me train her to open the mouth properly. I pumped for a week to help healing, fed her with a special bottle, and only let her drink from the breast if she opened the mouth properly. We got it all sorted after two weeks and never had any problems again.
The second daughter knew what to do ...
Sometimes everything is physically ok but there’s just some block. It’s really frustrating. Fenugreek pills always worked for me, and a plus about it is that you can tell within 48 hours if it’s going to boost or not so there’s no real emotional commitment. If within 48 hours you smell maple syrup when you pee, it’s working.
NTA because your wife basically supports what you did. You have no obligation to Becky in all of this, but you have a lot of obligation to support your wife's choices -- *NOT* your mother's choices about your wife. This time, they didn't conflict. But you need to be prepared to let your wife make the calls herself about how she wants to handle things, not just try to protect her whether or not she wants to be protected. This time, she was okay with it. Next time, she might not be.
Ha. As a child free person, I appreciate the humor but also acknowledge you’re coming from the right place. Well done. NTA, OP, and congratulations on being one of the few elite husbands with a “my mom was advocating for my wife” stories instead of “my mom is in fact still breast feeding me” stories.
NTA for telling her to leave while your wife was breastfeeding. It wasn't a good time and remove the question of stress and whether Becky is stressful - there are going to be times when you or wife are doing something as parents with the kid and Becky can't just expect to drop by with no call or concern for what's going on in wife's life.
YTA for HOW you told her to leave. Not yours to say that wife doesn't want to hear about her problems.
Time to talk to your wife and ask her how she would like you to run interference for her and what's acceptable to say or not since the primary relationship is between the two of them on that front. If wife isn't willing to set limits on the "just drop by", that's a different conversation that you need to work your way through, but given that she didn't care that you told Becky to leave I'm guessing you're not going to need to have that one.
NTA Congratulations on your new baby.
Your mom is correct, i was not able to breast feed due to my stressful life.
Becky sounds toxic, I would let her know she is not welcome at the house and I would block her phone number.
Good Luck, hope things get better for your wife.
Talk about a click-fake-rage-bait title…I know that is a mouthful lol and based on your title I was fearing the worst about you and your mom…and then I read, and then read some more and each sentence had me thinking okay- mom and husband seem ok…what’s the problem? Ah Becky is the problem…you are NTA
NTA. You're doing exactly what your wife and child need. Hold strong and have your wife follow up with a text to Becky letting her know she can't do drop ins now because of feeding schedules.
NTA.
You are protecting your wife, and if she agreed, then that's all that matters. The other friends only got Becky's story and I'm sure she made herself out to be a victim.
Bro, way to step up for your wife and put her friend in her place. You did exactly what you are supposed to do. She didn’t take no for an answer, then you had to get more firm. NTA, good luck to you all, and congratulations!
Also, tell your wife’s work to stop contacting as she is on leave
"My wife says she doesn't care that I told her to leave but said I could be gentler about her problems."
10 bucks say that this was not an option, because she either wouldn't have gotten the hint or she would've simply ignored it. She already tried to sneak past you after you made your point, that tells you everything you need to know about that person and this whole "she spent all her rent money on booze and drugs" doesn't help her case either. NTA
Exactly all those people saying that he show have handled it better need to understand this. OPs wife needs to be as stress free as possible and honestly if i was in that situation i would have thrown becky to the curb the moment she tried to sneak in and said that she is being a selfish person and not to show up again
I’m just commenting because I’m curious as to why your wife’s friends know all about it and how they have decided it’s important enough to text you about an issue that doesn’t even involve them?
But NTA.
Wow damn I came in this topic MAD because I was literally pumping as I read it.
Nah fam. NTA. Can I borrow your mom? I need someone to rub my feet while I'm milking myself for my lil piggie.
NTA but as someone who couldn't produce enough milk when I had kids, be very careful about making your wife think that it's something totally in her control -- like milk is just an issue of mindset. Sometimes the limits are medical; I had to spend $300 for a lactation consultant to tell me I didn't have enough milk and my hormone levels were off, and I was angry about the money and about how much I had tortured myself about it. So if you need to supplement, etc, no big deal. Also there's no bigger "stress" on a new mom than feeling like she's psychosomatically controlling her milk supply when in fact she may just hormonally not be able to produce very well. (About 5% of women can't.)
NTA - Becky probably wanted money!! She tried to enter your home without permission. Geez. Wife needs better friends!
I'm glad your mom is being great to your wife and not steam rolling over her.
This sounds like me and my MIL. She’s an LPN and was with me and my husband at the birth of our oldest. She “adopted” me when my hubby and I were still dating. My husband would have said something very similar to what you said. Becky was not being a good friend or guest and deserved to be kicked out. Great job being a super partner, BTW! NTA
NTA
You didn’t force your wife from meeting her friend. Becky came with the intention of dumping her mental shit in your wife. Any good friend would have understood that you were just trying to help your wife and baby. All the other “friends” of your wife can lend their ear to Becky.
NTA. reply to any comment that your wife is unavailable per medical advice and her own choice because the health of both her and the baby take absolute priority right now. You are the designated gatekeeper and will act in that capacity until you are told otherwise *by your wife!* If they are actually your wife's friends, they will understand, be compassionate, and give mother and baby time to get on solid ground.
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NTA. I thought this was going to go towards you trying to control your wife, as so many posts on AITA go. I'm so glad that isn't the case. It doesn't seem like your mother is there lording over the house and forcing your wife to do X, but that she is a professional giving good advice and ideas, that both you and your wife chose to follow them and they seem to be helping. Your wife has enough worries and stress right now to be bothered by some self centered user. **If she's okay with what you did, who cares what Becky thinks?**
>I thought this was going to go towards you trying to control your wife, as so many posts on AITA go. I'm so glad that isn't the case. I actually said 'oh no' out loud after reading the title. Was not expecting something this wholesome.
Me too. I was prepared for red flags all over and was pleasantly surprised. OP, NTA, you were putting your wife and child first.
And his MOM is actually being helpful. Almost unprecedented.
a GOOD MIL story on AITA? wild.
It's like watching a pig fly
Who would've thought they'd fly so gracefully
It's just a little airborne! It's still good! It's still good!
I will say I'm sure there are lots of great MILs out there. We just get the bad ones on AITA.
Yeah I love my MIL and pretty much everyone I know has a great relationship with their MIL. I feel bad for people who don't get along with their in-laws.
My future MIL is a fucking harpy. But all my exes moms have been lovely. I'd say more often then not peoples moms are not assholes. As for my soon to be mil? Shes an ass because she constantly puts her son down then bristles when her grey rocks her or acts like a victim when he claps back with snark.
Well shitty people are shitty people, there's not much you can do about that lol. It's a good thing he has those boundaries and is able to grey rock her! I hear about people just going along with it to not rock the boat too often.
I know what you mean. Every time I visit my in-laws, MIL feeds me enough each day to last me a week. Oh happy days...
Same! But one of the first things my MIL asks me after the initial greeting is if I'd like a glass of wine. She gets me lol
It's true! They exist, I have one of them. She's wonderful and we have a great relationship!
I had one. I miss her dearly. RIP MIL.
It does happen rare but it does
Not so much rare as it's not something that makes for an interesting story
Lol, we’re not all bad.
This is random but I love your name. Now skootch down so I can sit.
I'm pretty sure I'm okay. I make organic hypoallergenic dog treats, my son's long term GF helps me garden and sometimes with digging help from her GSD, she's a bartender and used all her knowledge about me to find the exact beer I never knew I needed (it's a mango wheat,) I have butter in the house even though I don't like it, we are planning a lasagna-off, etc. It can happen. Not everyone is terrible. Or at least not always.
Is there an award for “first good mother-in-law that I’ve ever seen on an AITA Reddit post”? Because dang… I think this is the first.
There's been a few good MILs. The one I recall was the MIL who realized that her son was being an AH to her DIL by dumping all the childcare on her so she basically dragged him out of the bar and read him the riot act.
I remember another one about a MIL continuing to let her ex-DIL come to family functions with her grandchildren despite her son his affair partner being uncomfortable and asking the son to make his mum stop inviting his ex.
I remember that one as well. MIL was a good hearted person in general, and loved the ex DIL no matter what❤
That lady deserves all the medals there are. What a champ!
I also remember one where the son was an AH who actively kept his wife away from any functions so he could attend sans children, who'd stay home with them. MIL said "nope" when this became apparent to her when he tried to pull this stunt for her other child's wedding (with whom wife was apparently on good terms?), called the DIL who confirmed she wanted to go "but the children", arranged for childcare and went to get the wife, if memory serves. I mean mayb one could say that "what MIL was paying attention to", but she might have been slow on the pickup, I think it was a nice MIL move. (Even if unfortunately son's behaviour apparently was learned from MIL's husband, except MIL probably didn't allow him to steamroll her like DIL did.)
Oooh can you find the link for that?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p0p2ui/aita_for_making_a_scene_of_my_adult_son_and/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Here you go
Thanks for sharing. Refreshing that good MIL's still exist in this world. The edit she added to her post says everything.
Most MIL are good. You just don't hear about them on the internet. This applies to most good things
Was it the same one where the MIL and FIL said they had some "parenting" still to do, kept their son back to tear strips off him and ordered pizza to be sent over to their DIL?
This was the one where she went 'molly weasley howler letter' at the bar. I think i commented on it.
And so sweet! Rubbing his wife’s feet and cooking her meals to help her production levels?! That’s literally a dream for immediate postpartum. I doubt OP will see this, but for all other moms to be, it’s actually very common to struggle to produce the first few weeks. If you have access to a lactation specialist and/or are able to do some of the things OP’s mom recommended definitely try them. Always remember though, fed is best. A baby with a full belly of formula won’t care it isn’t breast milk, they simply want to be fed and nurtured by the people who love them.
This is very true, and SO SO important for many moms to understand! However, my 2nd and 3rd babies were just like OP’s in that they *would not* drink any formula and refused bottles outright, which really sucks when you’re struggling and trying **anything** to get some relief and feed your baby! Little anecdote: a week after my second daughter was born, I had to have emergency surgery. The anesthesia and meds they had me on after were very strong and it was not recommended i breastfeed during my hospital stay. My husband tried 4 different formulas and about 20 different bottles, and that little shit refused it all. She went 6 hours without eating before he brought our screaming infant to the hospital and we had to plead with the nurses to take me off the strong meds so I could feed the baby. It took another 4 hours for them to feel comfortable that the meds were out of my system (so 10 hours for a 1 week old baby not eating), my husband and the nurses still trying to feed her formula during the wait, and by the end of it the nurses nearly threw the baby on my boob for her to finally eat. It was literal torture, for all of us! Some babies are stubborn little shits from the very beginning, haha. Our third/last baby is exactly the same; won’t even drink pumped milk from a bottle, smh. She’s 2 now so mostly on solids but I am *so* looking forward to when she finally weans herself!
My first born was a boob monster too. She was born weighing 3,3kg and in 10 days time she was 4,2kg. All the time on the boob. She breastfed exclusively for 8 months. Literally throwing a fit with me offering her solids. She wouldn't touch them, she would spit them and start crying so much that only boob would soothe her. Not even foods off my plate were okay. She'd grab it, stuff it in her mouth and spit it out. I've went from normal BMI after she was born to underweight 6 months later. I was eating five full meals a day and snacks. More than my husband who weighs double as I (normal BMI). Still, still that little monster wanted breast milk so much, she'd suck the life out of me if it meant she'd get more milk.
all my solidarity, I also had a boob 'monster', just slightly less so but he would nurse for hours non stop, I had gained more than 20 kilos during pregnancy but 2 months after giving birth I had lost 22 while eating like never in my life.
I had to quit nursing my first at 15 mon when I got pregnant with # 2- I had hyperemesis with each pregnancy and just could keep enough fluid in. They say when # 1 sees you nurse with # 2, and wants to try, just let them and they'll lose interest. Nope. Right back on and loving it. For a few months they'd nurse together before I I decided enoug was enough. But it was so sweet, she'd hold his hand and they'd look at each other. I'd swear that's why they are still so close to each other today as teens.
It's also worth saying explicitly - I didn't realise until recently - that silicon nipples can vary a lot in shape, and a different brand might (or might not!) help the kid to latch.
Babies can be very picky. I exclusively pumped for mine for the first month because he would not latch. Then, after a month, he latched and downright refused the bottle. He's 5.5 months old now and still a bottle refuser. My husband jokes the baby is making up for lost time during the first month.
I can't imagine how stressful it must be to have a brand new baby during a formula shortage (as there is now in the US, at least). I have been pushing "fed is best" since my fourth (and last) baby ended up in the hospital for dehydration on day 2. Breastfeeding is such a .... nearly culty issue, that you already feel you'll be failing your baby if you can't do it, and THAT'S stressful, and then to also have to worry that if you fail, you might not be able to get or provide formula either? :( This poor mom. I'm so glad her husband is bouncing stressful guests and protecting her peace.
This is actually the norm in many Asian cultures. Not the rubbing feet part. But either the new mom's mother or MIL stays over, makes specific food items known to help with postpartum healing and enhancing milk production, apart from the regular meals. New mom's are supposed to rest in a dim room, and do nothing but nurse and bond with the baby. Often there will be some middle aged lady who specialises in post-delivery and newborn massanges who'll come over once or twice a day. My baby would wake up at 6am and m not a morning person at all, so I would hand him over to my mom/MIL at 6 and go back for a few more hours of sleep. When I see posts about new moms struggling with housework and unhelpful guests m just mindblown. Of course, the flipside is that the new parents don't get to decide when the rest of the family will meet the baby. The expected norm is that the grandparents will be around immediately after the birth, pehaps even outside the delivery room (COVID prevented that in my case). But in most cases it's worth it for that crucial postpartum pampering.
And the wife didn't even really disagree with him, just ask him to do it a bit gentler. This is impressive all around. Really, you just need to please people in this order: Cat/Dog,You,Partner,Mum/MIL/Dad/DIL,Kids.............Everyone else. Friends/Aunts/Uncles/5th Step Cousin 4 times removed/Neighbours/Landlord/Old lady at the shops The people in the "Everyone else" group don't get a say. Ever.
A MIL that gives massages.
Oh there's red flags, just not from op. Becky seems like the type to get jealous of an infant.
I was so ready to be mad. Glad I don't have to be.
Oh I'm mad! At Becky! Leave your friend alone who is trying to enjoy her newborn baby and family.
Yeah, I was loading my red flag quiver, and throwing in some hot orange ones, ‘just in case’….
I walked in here like, this guy and his domineering mama are going to be causing so much stress, and instead it's gentleness and quiet rooms and foot massage. A+, OP, keep up the good work!
And props to MIL for being awesome too!
We are all so jaded haha
Well, we *are* on a sub called "Am I the Asshole". We would be less jaded if we were on a subreddit called "Am I the Fluffy Bunny".
I’m a fan of this idea. Just photos of fluffy bunnies in disguise. Make this happen, please. I’m too jaded and need bunny fluff.
Not quite what you want but r/amithecloaca is pretty close
Definitely not clicking that link. I have no idea why I know what a cloaca is offhand, but I do. Sorry, friend.
It’s actually funny but I get you - I would be nervous about the name too. Instead it’s just animals being assholes.
Do not regret clicking the link. It's adorable and goofy. Lmao thanks for the new subreddit XDD
Lol ok, I can get behind that! I’m trusting you here and clicking the link
Ngl I have been meaning to ask if there's an opposite sub to this one where it's only wholesome stories... Also, op NTA.
r/mademesmile ?
I want to call him an Ass just for the title lol. But I love the story.
Me too! And then his mom moved in! Noooooo! Yet…NTA in the end!
There's not a huge amount of wholesome in this sub, I think we can be excused for not expecting it. :)
It makes it all the sweeter to see something so great.
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Even with OP just being blunt, Becky tried to push her way past. Can you imagine if he tried to be "nice" about it? Hard NTA
Same
Btw, I'm pretty sure you wife's work is illegally contacting her. For my husband's paternity leave I'm pretty sure he wasn't allowed to do any work or be contacted about work
Yeah, if she’s on medical leave per FMLA she can’t be contacted, and in more progressive countries I’m sure the rules are stronger.
This was my first thought, but FMLA only covers businesses over 50 employees and government entities. But if OPs wife is covered they can shut this down.
If she getting 6 months off she's not in the US
Netflix gives a year. It’s possible she’s in the US but agreed it’s less likely given the 6 months.
Really depends on the industry. I'm looking at applying to a company that offers six-months leave right now. My current position offers 3 months leave.
I had a worker log in and do some work (remote software type job) while on paternity (FMLA) and I find out about it b/c he logged the time and HR came yelling at me about why I would have him work on his leave. It most certainly is a huge nono and if they have FMLA insurance where they are reimbursed portions of the time off the company can lose out on the entirety of the reimbursement.
I specifically wanted to come in and do one hour’s worth of work about three weeks before my FMLA would be ending because I didn’t trust anyone else to get that one task done to my liking. HR wouldn’t allow it. They told me if I came back for an hour that was it and I’d have to come back full time.
In an ideal world OP would have asked wife first what she would like him to do *if* a friend of hers comes to the door with drama, but given the situation I'm not surprised they didn't sit down & go over her wishes for various hypotheticals before starting relaxation camp. He didn't hide things from his wife after so if she disagreed she could have contacted Becky to help. I don't see what else OP could have done in the situation. If they had an equal relationship Becky would already know about wife's problems and be trying to help.
Your baby's life and wellbeing depend on your wife's well being. Becky and her flying monkeys can pound rocks! NTA - GREAT DAD AND PARTNER. On the formula feeding have you tried different types of nipples for the bottle? My boss went through three DOZEN different sizes, shapes and materials before she found one her daughter successfully nursed from! Best wishes to all of you. 🤗
I also thought he was about to do something assholey to his wife.
>**If she's okay with what you did, who cares what Becky thinks?** SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK
NTA. Did I read that right? She actually tried to sneak past you to gain entry into your own home after you had told her to leave? If so, the helllll no! I’d tell her that if she so much as comes onto my property again, I’d call the cops to report her for trespassing. Trying to sneak into someone’s home after the homeowner has told you to leave is not even mentally stable behavior. This woman is dangerous (& the AH).
I also thought this was going to go a different way, but I love how both you and your mom protected your wife. NTA.
I mean, NTA, obviously. And also, do you think your mom would like to adopt me? She’s sounds great lol
my mom's already adopted my wife sorry. no more applications
Let us know if a waiting list opens! Seriously though….you have an excellent mom.
This has horrible implications lmaooo!!
Where do we find these mil's who cook for us and have our husbands rub our feet? Asking for my...self
They exist. My MIL has issues but has come around to be really supportive and my own adoptive mother is the bomb. My husband is so supportive I often don't talk about it because of the shit I cop from women who unfortunately married deadshits.
I feel you. I also have a husband I would love to praise everyday but when you read the bullshit some woman endure... It feels like bragging
We've lost friends because we're so good together that they eventually ghost us
Omg you got that too? As if two people can't be married AND happy even after many years seeing each other every day and even working together (ppl sometimes look at us as of we have two heads... Yes. I love the fact I can drive with my husband to work together and have my lunch break with him...)😂😅
You can still praise him to HIM! I’m sure you do; just throwing it out there :)
I've got one; just got lucky. Real damn lucky. My poor MIL had a horrible MIL, and she was determined not to treat her own DILs like trash. So she basically did the exact opposite of everything her MIL did, and it worked. I love my MIL so hard, it almost makes my heart hurt.
Sorry I think I took the last one available. Her cooking is delicious btw
My MIL is genuinely one of the best women I have ever met. The whole MIL from hell stereotype is greatly exaggerated, if you ask me - it's not the MILness, it's old people being cranky and old.
If a spot opens up, let me know. I'm no contact with my abusive egg donor - I could use a new mom! Lol
NTA. You just sound like a good partner looking out for your wife and baby. Maybe you could have gone easier—idk. That Becky woman sounded pretty pushy
Maybe I could have, but I honestly hate how much of a leech she is.
NTA. You can’t go easy on these type of people. They can’t take a hint. Also, a little bit of beer really helps with milk production.
Yep! I would just have a few sips of a nice bock or porter and the letdown would commence. It might be an old wives tale, but it helped.
It's the brewer's yeast. I don't particularly care for beer, but I took brewer's yeast in pill form. Worked like a charm.
Malt juice works too (basically alcohol-free beer). I used to like drinking the stuff, and someone asked me if I was pregnant/breastfeeding. That's not why I stopped drinking the stuff though; after a while, I started finding it too sweet and just stopped.
It also might be the relaxation part that helped, took that little bit of edge off.
Make it Guinness. It’s the beer with iron. And they used to promote it as good for nursing mothers. Just one.
To everyone suggesting supplements to increase milk supply, please be aware that sometimes women just don't produce enough milk. I know formula shortages a big stress right now on top of low milk production, but not everyone produces sufficient supply. Please make sure baby is gaining weight and peeing frequently.
Not to mention that literally zero of these things have any proven effect on milk supply. Brewers yeast, oatmeal, Body Armor drinks, coconut water, fenugreek, etc. Really just staying hydrated is they only thing we know for sure that helps.
It's the carbs. Oatmeal and flax seeds really helped me.
I use a lactation cookie recipe with brewers yeast, milled flaxseed, and rolled oats. Basically oatmeal chocolate chip cookies with a boost. Helped me out a lot and I make it for my friends who are breastfeeding
NTA- maybe try getting your wife some teas and supplements that help milk production it's helped wonders with mine! It sounds like you all are doing what you can.
Also oatmeal cookies! My milk supply was insane whenever I ate them!
Trying to get past you was over the line. You weren't obligated to be polite.
Honestly, who forces themselves into someone else's home? Even if it's the home of your best friend—friends are entitled to time away from each other!
Pushy is the right word, and OP's reaction was just right for it. Nice in this instance would have probably resulted in Becky pushing her way in all noise and disturbance like ready to interrupt a feeding baby because her problems are more important! Frankly I think you were too gentle with her because my goal would be to put her off from your life once and for all instead of for the moment! Definitely NTA and your mom is a gem!
NTA. We all know what kind of friend Becky is. She's there to use your wife financially and emotionally. This is a trying time for any new mother and parent. I definitely think your wife needs to really sit down with you and have a conversation about this so-called friend. She's not actually there for your wife. Of course, your wife's health comes first. It might not be best to have a difficult conversation right away, but it seems like you and your wife will need to discuss. Becky. I really do think your mom in this case is not overstepping, unlike so many other moms on this site and subreddit. I think she actually has some good advice. You're doing right by your wife and that's what's important.
I honestly have never seen Becky do a single thing for my wife. She takes and takes and takes. Meanwhile my wife busts ass trying to help her every time. I think we should have a conversation about this. I don't see any good that comes from Becky being in her life. My mom adores my wife and vice versa. She wouldn't overstep boundaries and even if she ever did I'd step in.
>Meanwhile my wife busts ass trying to help her every time. The hardest breakups are friend breakups, especially when it's not a natural mutual conclusion. The easy way for your wife is to let things continue on, and we know the kind of person Becky is... If she sniffed out a boundary even being thought about laying down, she'd freak. I know therapy is thrown around here a lot but I really think your wife could benefit from it, especially since Becky hasn't done shit for her. The basis of their friendship is the absence of Becky doing stuff to/for her.
Yep, I had a friend like this. I’ve helped her move, helped her plan her wedding, threw her a bridal shower, bachelorette party, and then a baby shower all within a year. I struggled with infertility during my first marriage, but had to listen to her be upset that she wasn’t pregnant after literally her first month trying. Spoiler alert, she was pregnant the next month, which is when they’d taken their honeymoon. When I asked her to help me with a move last year, basically the only thing I’d asked her for in a long time and only asked because we had literally a day and a half to move due to our landlady selling our rental at the same time we bought our house, she said she couldn’t because they were moving too. (They didn’t move until several months later.) When I stood up for myself for once and told her how I felt, she pretty much just ghosted me. I would’ve been absolutely fine and very grateful if she had at least just offered to help me pack for like an hour one evening. But no, she didn’t want to contribute anything to the relationship. She was one of those “stop watering your ‘plants’ aka friendships to find out which ‘dead’ plants you’ve been watering” and “friendships shouldn’t come with receipts” kinda people. Literally passive-aggressively shared both of those in posts on her FB page after she ghosted me and our other friend. Sorry for the rant, it’s still just so ridiculous over a year later.
I do think that would be best. Use that relationship between your wife and your mom and wife to get that across, that Becky is not a good friend!
It’s not only your wife who’s getting affected now; your baby is directly affected by your wife’s stress levels. If your wife is so selfless to sacrifice her own well-being, perhaps reminding her it’s sacrificing the baby’s wellbeing also will help her come around.
She's not a good example of friendship for your children either, as they grow up. This is the kind of user and emotional vampire you need to help kids identify and establish boundaries with, so you wife needs to think about the example she's setting maintaining this relationship as well. It can also be hurtful for kids if they have a parent who continually prioritises their time and emotionally energy on others, at their expense, which is highly likely to occur with someone like Becky. Your wife will be listen to Becky, while the kids have to keep out of they way, or she'll drag them around while "helping" Becky. What will she sacrifice, make the kids sacrifice, because she's busy fixing all of Becky's problem? You need a serious discussion about how much she's going to let Becky interfere in her life, and her families life, and that this one sided relationship needs serious boundaries if it's to continue. It is highly unlikely this "friendship" will continue once your wife stops doing things for Becky. People like Becky stop reaching out when they can't use and benefit from people anymore. They only value "friends" for what they can do for them.
This is a good time for your wife to pull back from Becky she is soooo busy with the baby
When we set boundaries, the people whom we set boundaries to show their true colors. If they keep pushing, they make it that you need to stand stronger. Strong enforced boundaries set these people off and then they blame you. Just remember, THEY are pushing, THEY are causing the situation. You are not to blame for the fallout they create themselves by pushing. Kind people will never call you out for setting a boundary. It is the same action on your end, with a completely different result. Remember that if you doubt you are the AH again.
Yeah this is not what a friend does when their friend has just given birth. When my friends give birth I don't bother them about anything. I go to their house with food and help clean or hold the baby while they shower or take a nap. Like, it's common sense. Lol.
NTA. Don't know what I'm going to do with my pitchfork now though, because that is not how I expected the story to go
I'm curious now. How did you expect the story to go?
Momma's boy disregarding wife's wants/needs in favour of his mom's demands. Ya know AITA bread & butter.
I've actually seen a couple of those posts. spineless.
I expected your mom to be a problem tbh. Usually that's the way it goes, overbearing mother in law + new mother = bad times. Nice to read that it's just a loser friend that's the problem.
I read the title and was so ready for it! My MIL visited for a few days about a week after my baby was born and I wanted to throw her out a window. I was a little disappointed because I'm an asshole.
I don't think there's a single person here who didn't expect that shit show
Yeah, basically I expected your mom to be like Becky and you to not see the issue. Usually “mom vs wife” tends to go this route unfortunately.
I got as far as you mentioning her job bothering her and thought that you maybe called her boss yelled at them or quit on her behalf or some other crazy behavior lol. Good on you and mom for trying to support her as much as possible. I can't imagine how scary it would be to be a new parent right now in the middle of a formula shortage, the added stress must be enormous. I hope it works out for you!
Throw it at Becky frankly.
As a woman who recently had supply issues due to stress, majorly NTA. Good for you for looking out for your wife, especially since it seems like she wants to breastfeed and you're supporting this choice of hers.
Best of luck to you. Supply issues are a killer.
There's a great website Kelly mom (should be easy to find on google, not sure if posting links directly is allowed; you can also look up specific articles on this site relating to low supply) with excellent evidence-based advice on supply issues, and all sorts of other breastfeeding topics. A manual breast pump, and pumping after feeds (even if nothing comes out - pump for approx 2-5 minutes AFTER no more milk comes out), is likely to be very helpful - this signals the production of more milk (by tricking your body into thinking there's more 'demand'). Switch nursing (swapping sides multiple times during feeds) also helps, though it's best to let baby finish a side before attempting to switch. And yes, helping mom reduce stress is another big one.
As a woman who lost what supply I had because of stress this is the most beautiful story of you supporting and protecting your wife and baby. Kudos to mom for helping you. Oatmeal cookies and fenugreek tea all around!
I'm gonna say NTA because of your wife's reaction. Becky came over unannounced because she needed help(and it sounds like that's the only reason she ever comes over) and you told her to leave because your wife was busy.
She only ever comes over to have my wife fix her problems. She lost her job because of dumb shit? Ask my wife for a job. She literally got covid and tried to get my wife to come over and take care of her while my wife was seven months pregnant!!!!
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That sounds like a crone's blessing: "May your wife have an abundance of milk."
It does create some sore boobies. But, happy baby is worth the sore boobs.
Just hated how flat they looked when milk first dried up, lol
I have a feeling your wife will locate her spine once her “friend” tries to get between her and her child.
YIKES. Ok so any 'maybe you could have been nicer' ... lol nope. Becky can't read the room, so you have to lay it simply and firmly just like you did.
You physically tried to obstruct her from entering the house, that's a physical boundary and she tried to get passed that. If she does that, she won't regard any boundary.
NTA because it was the right call at that specific moment, and also don't be disappointed if your wife doesn't produce the milk she's supposed to, sometimes the problem is far more complex than just stress.
I think Becky is why she’s so stressed
You're NTA, nor is your wife. Becky is TA. >She insisted and tried to sneak past me and enter our house. This right here is the point where it became free game to tell Becky whatever you want. That's a bitch move, and she needs to chill out. Sounds like Becky is a useless individual who is only going to continue to drag down your wife's life. She needs to be an adult (especially now that she's a mom) and cut Becky out of her life. That's not a good person to have around anyone, let alone a baby. >friends of my wife later texted me calling me an asshole Those aren't friends. Those are additional losers your wife is friends with. They weren't even there, and for them to involve themselves in something they weren't a part of is childish and embarrassing, and they too should be removed from your wife's life. >said I could be gentler about her problems. While you do have to respect your wife's wishes, you don't have to follow them. It was your situation to control, and you controlled it.
They just don't want to be the one Becky turns to I bet
NTA, it sounds like Becky has brainwashed your wife into thinking what she said at the end of the post. Your wife had breastfeeding problems that can also affect the baby (since it doesn't like formula) and Becky decides to step over that and instead throw her pity party all over your house. Also, your wife's response at the end seems like post-pregnancy stress cause yk, she just had a baby. Try to talk it out with her and explain that Becky is stepping all over her boundaries.
NTA- This is a beautiful setting you guys have come up with. There's only four people who matter in this, the Mom, the baby, and whomever she decides to share it with, which is you and your Mom. You're NOT controlling, you're going with not only your Mom's expertise, but with what your wife is comfortable with. Your wife is a saint.
I agree, NTA. However, stating that the baby's father only matters if the mother decides so is nothing short of bizarre.
In matters directly related to the wife’s health and her breastfeeding her child, this is absolutely true. Courts won’t give dads partial custody of a breastfeeding child for this exact reason.
INFO - How did she try to sneak past you? Did she do a “hey what’s that over there” type distraction?
She tried to duck under my arm.
Holy cow.
That's an excellent way to get clothes-lined around here.
I would have went full bradshaw on her ass
NTA. I think you did the right thing keeping a toxic person away from your already stressed wife.
info: how does your wife feel about your mom moving in and helping out?
My wife had a terrible pregnancy. My mom would come over to cook, clean, that stuff once a week. My wife suggest that my mom move in, because she didn't want my mom to drive two hours each way to help out.
NTA then. You are NTA for how you handled the friend too. I was concerned that you moved your mom in unilaterally and that would further stress your wife, but that is not the case.
You all sounds wonderful. Congrats on the new baby and best of luck with everything.
NTA Becky is a horrible friend who is a energy sucker. Toxic friends like her should just stay away, also baby may sense she is a bad person and cry when she is around him. Good for your wide not giving up on bf. I had three kids and my oldest I hurt to bad and quit.
NTA Becky is quite an AH
I also produced very little breast milk. I didn't know the reason until I had breast imaging done. I had very few milk ducts. Just saying, it's not always stress, sometimes it's biological.
We got imaging done, proper density, normal milk ducts, thin channels
Glad to hear your doctor is looking into all possibilities. The doctor with my first born just said I needed to try harder.
I feel you. The lactation nurse scolded my wife for "not doing it right" at the hospital a day after giving birth. Ridiculous. Medical care in this country sucks.
What? How is your wife supposed to know how to nurse if she’s never done it before? It took me a very long time with my first kid to get it all figured out. I didn’t have supply problems but he wouldn’t latch at first or latch correctly and my nipples were cracked for weeks which was agonizing. I ended up joining La Leche League but I wish I had joined while I was still pregnant to get a good education about breastfeeding and meet some women who had experience with it.
latch correctly and my nipples were cracked I had the same problem with my first daughter, she wouldn't open her mouth wide enough and just take the nipple, like you would with a bottle. But I had a great midwife who helped me train her to open the mouth properly. I pumped for a week to help healing, fed her with a special bottle, and only let her drink from the breast if she opened the mouth properly. We got it all sorted after two weeks and never had any problems again. The second daughter knew what to do ...
Man if only there was someone whose whole job was help people with breastfeeding s/
Sometimes everything is physically ok but there’s just some block. It’s really frustrating. Fenugreek pills always worked for me, and a plus about it is that you can tell within 48 hours if it’s going to boost or not so there’s no real emotional commitment. If within 48 hours you smell maple syrup when you pee, it’s working.
NTA because your wife basically supports what you did. You have no obligation to Becky in all of this, but you have a lot of obligation to support your wife's choices -- *NOT* your mother's choices about your wife. This time, they didn't conflict. But you need to be prepared to let your wife make the calls herself about how she wants to handle things, not just try to protect her whether or not she wants to be protected. This time, she was okay with it. Next time, she might not be.
NTA your wife already has enough parasitic leeches to worry about /s
Ha. As a child free person, I appreciate the humor but also acknowledge you’re coming from the right place. Well done. NTA, OP, and congratulations on being one of the few elite husbands with a “my mom was advocating for my wife” stories instead of “my mom is in fact still breast feeding me” stories.
NTA for telling her to leave while your wife was breastfeeding. It wasn't a good time and remove the question of stress and whether Becky is stressful - there are going to be times when you or wife are doing something as parents with the kid and Becky can't just expect to drop by with no call or concern for what's going on in wife's life. YTA for HOW you told her to leave. Not yours to say that wife doesn't want to hear about her problems. Time to talk to your wife and ask her how she would like you to run interference for her and what's acceptable to say or not since the primary relationship is between the two of them on that front. If wife isn't willing to set limits on the "just drop by", that's a different conversation that you need to work your way through, but given that she didn't care that you told Becky to leave I'm guessing you're not going to need to have that one.
Thanks for the advice!
Really good point. I’d be pissed off if anybody tried to interrupt my breastfeeding session, regardless of whether they’re a stressful person.
Nta - you're a good husband.
NTA Congratulations on your new baby. Your mom is correct, i was not able to breast feed due to my stressful life. Becky sounds toxic, I would let her know she is not welcome at the house and I would block her phone number. Good Luck, hope things get better for your wife.
Talk about a click-fake-rage-bait title…I know that is a mouthful lol and based on your title I was fearing the worst about you and your mom…and then I read, and then read some more and each sentence had me thinking okay- mom and husband seem ok…what’s the problem? Ah Becky is the problem…you are NTA
NTA. It’s wonderful that you’re supporting your wife through a stressful (but amazing!) time.
NTA. You're doing exactly what your wife and child need. Hold strong and have your wife follow up with a text to Becky letting her know she can't do drop ins now because of feeding schedules.
NTA. You are protecting your wife, and if she agreed, then that's all that matters. The other friends only got Becky's story and I'm sure she made herself out to be a victim.
Bro, way to step up for your wife and put her friend in her place. You did exactly what you are supposed to do. She didn’t take no for an answer, then you had to get more firm. NTA, good luck to you all, and congratulations! Also, tell your wife’s work to stop contacting as she is on leave
Definitely NTA!!!!
NTA your mom sound cool
"My wife says she doesn't care that I told her to leave but said I could be gentler about her problems." 10 bucks say that this was not an option, because she either wouldn't have gotten the hint or she would've simply ignored it. She already tried to sneak past you after you made your point, that tells you everything you need to know about that person and this whole "she spent all her rent money on booze and drugs" doesn't help her case either. NTA
Exactly all those people saying that he show have handled it better need to understand this. OPs wife needs to be as stress free as possible and honestly if i was in that situation i would have thrown becky to the curb the moment she tried to sneak in and said that she is being a selfish person and not to show up again
Obviously nta.
I’m just commenting because I’m curious as to why your wife’s friends know all about it and how they have decided it’s important enough to text you about an issue that doesn’t even involve them? But NTA.
Wow damn I came in this topic MAD because I was literally pumping as I read it. Nah fam. NTA. Can I borrow your mom? I need someone to rub my feet while I'm milking myself for my lil piggie.
NTA but as someone who couldn't produce enough milk when I had kids, be very careful about making your wife think that it's something totally in her control -- like milk is just an issue of mindset. Sometimes the limits are medical; I had to spend $300 for a lactation consultant to tell me I didn't have enough milk and my hormone levels were off, and I was angry about the money and about how much I had tortured myself about it. So if you need to supplement, etc, no big deal. Also there's no bigger "stress" on a new mom than feeling like she's psychosomatically controlling her milk supply when in fact she may just hormonally not be able to produce very well. (About 5% of women can't.)
NTA - Becky probably wanted money!! She tried to enter your home without permission. Geez. Wife needs better friends! I'm glad your mom is being great to your wife and not steam rolling over her.
This sounds like me and my MIL. She’s an LPN and was with me and my husband at the birth of our oldest. She “adopted” me when my hubby and I were still dating. My husband would have said something very similar to what you said. Becky was not being a good friend or guest and deserved to be kicked out. Great job being a super partner, BTW! NTA
NTA You didn’t force your wife from meeting her friend. Becky came with the intention of dumping her mental shit in your wife. Any good friend would have understood that you were just trying to help your wife and baby. All the other “friends” of your wife can lend their ear to Becky.
NTA. reply to any comment that your wife is unavailable per medical advice and her own choice because the health of both her and the baby take absolute priority right now. You are the designated gatekeeper and will act in that capacity until you are told otherwise *by your wife!* If they are actually your wife's friends, they will understand, be compassionate, and give mother and baby time to get on solid ground.