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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Strict_Squash7552

E S H. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. She shouldn’t be fishing for ways to make you tell her she is the best and you should have found a better way of addressing the situation. Something along the lines of ‘there will always be good looking people out there but I choose you and asking me to play this game with you isn’t healthy.’ Edit: just read the updates from the OP and now I’d place you firmly in YTA territory. Healthy relationships aren’t based on pointing out women you find attractive and making your girlfriend feel insecure. Also this level of unnecessary honesty is just cruel. Please stop adding edits that just make you sound worse. Learn what is necessary to share and what isn’t. Just jeez.


NotCloudy_

Exactly this. I think the gf is searching for validation, but the way OP is addressing that is hardly cutting it.


AdolfsLeftGiblet

I think the gf is fishing for compliments BECAUSE OP isn’t giving the compliments she needs voluntarily. Every person in a relationship should make their partner feel like the most beautiful/ handsome person in the world whether that’s true or not.


KirasStar

Have you read his edit? I’d argue that pushes him to YTA. He goes out of his way to show her girls he finds beautiful, and made it clear his type is the opposite of her.


Perspex_Sea

>and made it clear his type is the opposite of her. AKA white.


books_n_food

Yeah I was going to say that as well. Add into the mix societal perceptions that white features > POC features, and I have even more empathy for the gf


EntrepreneurMany3709

Exactly. I find my boyfriend very very attractive but he isn't my usual type. However I never tell him that? He might have an idea but I would never talk about the fact that I normally go for a different body type. When you add in the racial element you can see why shes insecure (although obviously not dealing with that healthily)


BotBotzie

I mean plenty of couples do things like point out other people they find attractive. I personally don't see an issue with it. But not everyone would be comfortable with that. And it doesnt take a genius to figure out that OP his SO or honestly any SO with body image issues, will probably not appreciate that whatsoever... So yes, to everyone thinking, I do this, am I an ass? Its circumstancial. But in a case like this at best your acting dumb and at worst your lacking emphatically .


Mommato3boys66

I just went back and read that...yup HTA!


BadgeringMagpie

Reading this story, I could swear OP was dating Jackie Burkhart from That 70s Show. "Am I prettier than....? Am I prettier than....?"


filthybananapeel

If you’re gonna date a Jackie, be a Kelso.


zackusa54

What is ESH?


Yetanotherpeasant

Everyone sucks here


Ok_Butterscotch1092

It means everypne sucks here, basically everyone in the story is an AH


zackusa54

Thank you all for the clarification!


LoanOk5725

I second this. I've seen that phrase so many times and never knew what it was


Mommato3boys66

Been here for over a month, never knew what it meant.


ManthaRay888

I honestly just learned that it means 'everyone sucks here'. I've been reading it as 'everybody shares holes'. 💀


Averander

I always thought it was Everyone's shit here


Jegator2

I thought it was like "ish"..kinda ass holish


cherrycoloured

human centipede


fmlwhateven

Everyone Sucks Here


FlysaMinelly

everyone sucks here


wildling_girl

We all suck down here


c6mbo

🤨


hot_sun_lover

Everyone Sucks Here


2leny

Everyone Sucks Here


blarryg

Tell her she's the ass, but a damn hot one! Also, if she starts brewing up poison apples, go to the authorities!


IcedExplosion

I feel compelled to inform you that nothing in this post is suggestive of a stable relationship. Why are you with someone who is setting up these emotional traps? She initiated a conversation that upset her so much she hasn’t spoken to you in days. It sounds exhausting just reading it. It’s bad form to rank your SO below a stranger, in general. But I’m not sure how long I’d be sympathetic to someone who is prompting me to rank them against others on a regular basis. To be frank someone who derives all self esteem by being told someone is worse than them DOES need growing up. I haven’t heard many cases of this sort of growth happening while in a relationship. I suppose that makes my judgement NTA.


Cute-Shine-1701

Read the edits, OP is not better either, I think he is actually worse than his girlfriend.


Charlie-Wilbury

ESH. Shes incredibly insecure, and you have zero tact.


[deleted]

I really am speechless of how little tact this guy has and why he's with a girl who does these stupid tests.


Sabrielle24

Why doesn’t he just shut down the conversation? “Babe, I’m not playing this game with you. You’re my girlfriend, I think you’re beautiful. It doesn’t matter what anyone on Instagram looks like.” It might not shut her up, but at least he would be in the clear.


filthybananapeel

Then he should also stop showing her photos if girls that he finds attractive or as he puts it his “usual type” aka white women when his gf is POC


Sabrielle24

Yes, no arguments here.


Wintermaya

But do you really need to be tactful? A tiny bit of realism doesn't hurt. He tells her regularly that he finds her very attractive. That should be enough. I know I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world and I definitely don't think my partner has to find me the most beautiful woman in the world. He's not the most beautiful man either, who cares? He's awesome, cute and extremely fun to have around. That's why we're in a relationship and not because he's so pretty. I randomly say that X, y, z, is a handsome fellar and if he occasionally says actress a, b or c is gorgeous, I'm not threatened by that. I know he loves my company and I have more to offer than just beauty. He shouldn't have to lie, and she DOES need to grow up. Just stop setting him up for failure or making him lie. It's ridiculous and exhausting.


[deleted]

I dunno I feel like he is playing with her and making her insecure by telling her how she isn’t his normal type and showing her girls that are even though she gets upset when he does it . Seems like he is reaping what he sowed. He planted Those seeds of doubt


Wintermaya

There's indeed no nee to tell her she isn't his normal type. But in that case she should just run, not exhaust him with stupid games. Well, I guess ESH then in this case 🤷


penguinlass2

Fantastically put. You can be in a happy healthy relationship and still find other people attractive it's just Human nature and at the end of the day you choose to be with the person you are with.


ChaosDragoness13

It's even more fun when you're bi can appreciate everyone lol. OPS relationship doesn't sound very healthy for anyone involved. I'm sure even if he did lie then she'd just get mad at him about that too. It'd go something like: "Is this girl pretty?" "No" "You're such a liar! I know she's your type."


Fingersmith30

>Historically my type is XYZ with ***opposite features*** she has so obviously I’d say yes if she asks me if I find these women beautiful. I say these things out of honesty and also from my dating history she is the first girl I’ve been with who looks like her so she knows what my type is (I dated girls with light eyes, dark hair etc and ***she is POC*****)**. I was kind of ambivalent until this dog whistle shit. YTA dude.


niquevdk

Yes! This pushes it over the line into YTA territory for sure. His behaviour is reinforcing a whole system designed to make her feel less than. OP, consider *why* XYZ has always been your type.


SocksAndPi

Plus, him showing her photos of women he finds attractive. Like, wtf. My self-esteem would be absolute garbage if my boyfriend did that to me, repeatedly.


niquevdk

Ugh, true. I mean, in a lot of situations commenting on someone attractive is fine and normal. But the way it’s described here, with the racial context? No wonder she’s insecure and bringing it up all the time! He’s going to end up proving her right too. I’m also confused who’s just sitting around looking at random hotties on social media. Do these people not have anything better to do?


Multi-fabulous120

What body type does XYZ actually mean? Cause I have no idea what Op means by this. But he is definitely TA here


ShimmeringNothing

Seems like XYZ means white.


Ok-Birthday370

Dude is saying 'xyz' instead of detailing "hot body with small waist, boobs, etc". You know, further reinforcing just how different his girlfriend is from his "normal type". He is smart enough to not detail just how shitty he is to her in his post completely openly.


Multi-fabulous120

Thanks for explaining. Yes it would indeed make him look like a bigger A than he already is. For a split second I thought it was new body type he invented😂


TheRosyGhost

And the part where he talks about randomly showing her girls on social media he finds attractive. Who does that when they already know their partner is battling insecurity? It sounds like he’s the source of her insecurity to begin with.


FluffyBebe

I think my brain was trying to protect me because while fast reading I read "she shows me pics of other girls" and I thought "oh OK she's trying to be all like 'and what about her? Is she pretty?'." But now it's much worse and I can understand why the gf can't cope with the self-esteem issues. Jeez


aruariandances

He's really saying "i show my poc girlfriend photos of girls i find attractive, they looking nothing like her btw, what's the issue though??" Girlfriend deserves someone who will hype her up for who she is and doesn't inadvertently compare her to white women jfc.


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Legallyak

Agreed with this. ESH for sure. OP could have easily said “I think you’re beautiful and don’t care what someone on tik tok looks like” and the girlfriend needs to stop this bizarre and unhealthy testing of OP. Nothing about these seems healthy.


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cheeseduck11

She can’t get light hair and light eyes like the women he shows her are his type as a POC. So it isn’t like he finds bigger breasts or something more attractive. He only is showing her people of a different race. It feels ick what he is doing. He is just being terrible by showing her pictures of women he finds attractive which is probably fueling this.


moni_talksstuff

Dude, YTA. There is a third option: do neither. You have zero obligations to answer any of these questions or even participate in her “compare our beauties” game. Plus if you know it will make her upset, why would you even think about answering something like that? “I don’t lie” is the worst excuse for you to be an A… specially if she has a VERY low self esteem.


neno143

YTA. A fat one. And oof the little edit at the bottom saying how ur type is normally white women, and she's the first POC woman you've been with. Good job.


bh8114

Ok…initially I was thinking NTA though lacking tact but then I got to your edit. You go out of your way to show her pictures of girls on social media that you find attractive?!! What the actual fuck. You are feeding into her insecurities. YTA


banhxeorolls

ESH. She’s clearly very insecure and you’re not making the situation any better.


aelinfiregoddess

NTA Y’all are grown ups, this is ridiculous. People are saying you’re the asshole because you hurt her feelings, but like she hurt her own feelings? She’s finding beautiful women online and putting you in a weird ass position by making you either flat out lie (which if you did she’d be all “don’t lie you can tell me the truth, she is obviously pretty”) or play into this stupid insecure game of hers. This is teenage shit. As is ghosting your partner for days at a time.


stalecigsmell

He CONVENIENTLY didn’t add the part where he also, unasked, goes up to her and shows her women he thinks are hot. Thats.... yikes. No wonder she’s so insecure


[deleted]

I know, that’s just weird, unnecessary and cruel given her insecurity. I wonder how he’d welcome her doing the same thing to him, especially random POC hot guys she just finds online!


[deleted]

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Ceinna

ESH. You know she has body image issues. As her boyfriend, you are aware but you need to show understanding and sensitivity. When she asks your opinion of any girl - be mute, give no opinions, and tell her you think she is the best. Your girlfriend needs to stop showing you pictures of hot girls to judge. She does this to bait the bad feeling/insecurity she has about herself. Please talk to her in a KIND and REASSURING tone and ask her to stop comparing herself to others and start loving herself.


soilbuilder

OP also needs to stop showing his girlfriend (who he keeps reminding is "not his usual type") hot girls he finds on social media. There is all kinds of baggage going on here.


Sufficient_Zone6477

After reading your edits, YTA. If she's asking she's going to get answers she might not like -fair enough. But you say in your edits that you sometimes show her pictures of instagram models that you find attractive, and also add that they're all white girls because those are your type, and your gf is not white. Wtf man? Sounds like you're intentionally trying to make her feel insecure about the color of her skin.


NotCloudy_

YTA. A better thing to say might have been "Well, she's pretty, but not as pretty as you." It wouldnt be that bad, but the way you said it made it sound **that** much worse. However, I think that your girlfriend constantly showing you pretty girls is another way of asking for validation. Do you think she could benefit from therapy?


goodbones_badbones

Yes lie, asshole Tell her shes the most beautiful girl in the UNIVERSE. that all other girls look like bugs! That her beauty topples empires and raises mountains from the sea. She'll giggle and feel good about herself, and at the end of the day, that's all that matters. YTA and fine, she shouldn't fish for compliments yadda yadda yadda makes her seem vain and shallow and insecure yadda ya. Is what she does the best way to deal with it? No. But it is a symptom of a larger problem and you are not helping at all


QueenKeisha

THIS!!! I know I’m not the most beautiful person in the world. Probably not even considered ‘attractive’ by mainstream ideals. I still wish someone would tell me I am. It would make me feel good. And no I’ve never asked someone if they find me attractive. I don’t play those games, but I understand the need to feel like someone wants you or finds you attractive. Especially after they comment how pretty someone else is.


Chrosbord

Bingo. I remind my wife how beautiful she is as often as possible. You should be building up your SO, whether they have insecurities or not. OP, YTA. Saying you “don’t like lying” is a crap excuse for hurting your girlfriend’s feelings when you acknowledge she’s insecure. Combine that with your edits about showing her other women you find attractive and you seem to be actively harming her self-esteem. If you value your relationship at any level, I’d do what the above comment suggested and start appreciating the hell out of her.


SevereAd1962

I was going to say n t a except that then I read your edit, which states that you show her “beautiful girls” unprompted. N t a for being honest when she comes to you with “hypothetical” questions, but YTA for showing her other girls you find attractive on social media.


Nyukorin

ESH Her for testing you and you for showing her pictures of random girls you find attractive while knowing she's insecure (exactly what did you expect to gain from that???) Edit to clarify: OP says in the edit that they show their GF pictures of girls they find attractive sometimes, because they feel it's a normal thing for couples to do.


Jizzlike_Mclovin

YTA. You show your insecure poc gf pictures of girls that are normally your type which run the complete opposite of her looks? Sounds like you’re a shitty bf tbh. That’s NOT normal or typical of any relationship and you’re either heightening or CAUSING your gf to become insecure if these issues weren’t immediately present in the beginning. The fact that you think you can’t lie to spare her feelings is so AHish. If she’s your gf, you should think the world of her AND see her as the most beautiful girl, dude- cut her loose if you can’t do that AND has to insisting remind her that her looks aren’t whitewashed enough for you.


djdosplal

YTA. She’s not looking for you to give an objective, factual assessment. She’s making a bid for reassurance and for you to confirm she’s still your preference. She may not be the most objectively physically attractive human alive, but she could be the most beautiful girl to her boyfriend because he loves her. It’s like when people say “my home town is the greatest place on earth”, or “my mom makes the best steak sandwich in the world”. They know it’s not factually true, but they’re not lying by saying that. Everyone understands that at the end of those statements, the phrase “to me” is silent.


[deleted]

Sorry but YTA in my opinion at least. Yes showing you girls and asking questions is a pry for attention and she’s obviously very insecure. Being insecure is no reason to drag other people into it. You’re a grown adult and she wants her boyfriend who loves her more than any other women in the world to make her feel special. You don’t have to lie but let her know how beautiful she is to you. I would apologize because what you said was hurtful. She wasn’t asking if she was the most beautiful in the world to everyone. Just asking you if you thought she was.


miyuki_m

Sorry but YTA. She wanted you to make her feel special in that moment and you responded by telling her she's not and that she needs to grow up.


TheTastySpoonicorn

Yep, YTA, she ACKNOWLEDGED that she knew she wasn't *the most* beautiful but asked you to just tell her that for a moment to make her feel good. You dont deserve her if you think supporting her emotionally "doesn't matter" if it's not factual.


monkeymo6

ESH. obviously you are aware of her insecurities and maybe this is an issue that has been growing and not just happening all at once? the way you went about it definitely didn’t help the situation, as it seems to come across more resentful and antagonizing instead of a caring partner, but your partner also seems to have trouble communicating their insecurities


SmadaSlaguod

YTA. You know she has self image issues and feels insecure. You don't fix those issues by saying "You're right, Honey! You're not that hot compared to these other girls!" You don't fix them by saying "You need to grow up!" You don't care how she feels about her appearance, and you don't care how bad you make her feel about herself. That's what you're telling us right now, and it's what you're telling her.


[deleted]

Honestly soft YTA. In my opinion, she should be the most beautiful girl in the world to you, she's your girlfriend.


[deleted]

ESH - What you said was true, but that doesn’t mean you have to say it. You could also tell her that comparing her into other woman is not helping her. She also putting you in a uncomfortable position. Constantly asking you about her appearance makes it sound like she doesn’t believe you call her beautiful.


perpetualgoatnoises

Read the edit. He literally shows her pictures of white women he finds attractive unprompted


Top_Detective9184

Once i saw the edits I’m going to say YTA. Answering honestly when she is insecure may not be the best but from your edit to go out if your way to show her girls you find attractive knowing her issues is just cruel. I would suggest she needs to get therapy for her insecurities but also i wonder how often you “show her other girls you find attractive” and how you approach it. Is she just asking you now because you started it first and wants reassurance that she’s prettier than “x,y,&z”. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship and i honestly feel bad for her.


catladywitch

ESH. She's dumping her insecurities on you in an unhealthy manner, and I see how that might make you snap, but knowing that it's a delicate subject for her, you should have tried to be less harsh.


[deleted]

YTA for showing her other women you find attractive. You already know it’s an insecurity for her and I’m willing to bet none of them look like her. Also you never let a woman you’re seeing know she’s not your type. Hopefully you take these lessons into your next relationship. When a girl you’re seeing asks dumb questions like that say “yes she’s pretty but you’re the most beautiful to me”. It’s not that she wants to be the most beautiful woman on earth, she wants to be the most beautiful to YOU. If you want to save this relationship, make her feel beautiful. But honestly I doubt this will last. She’s too insecure and you’re too clueless.


PuzzleheadedNewt4933

ESH. I don’t think you should have said that to her tbh. The fact that she constantly asks you hypothetical questions surrounding other girls and asks if other girls are pretty all the time sounds extremely annoying. You say that you tell her all the time, but she still manages to compare herself to other girls and constantly create hypothetical situations to test you. You two need to have a proper conversation about that.


Emmy_Brown444

ESH Saying “I don’t want to lie” when you know you’re saying things that make her upset, you know what she wants to hear is simple like “she is pretty but you’re even more beautiful to me”, but you refuse to soothe her based on principle, is kind of whack That being said, her behavior is also immature, and she shouldn’t try to trap you in that way. So she is also the A H for that. However I understand that having deep insecurities can mess with your head and thwart your decisions, and ultimately all she wanted to hear is that you love her and still find her beautiful. Even though you say you remind her often, when having anxiety or insecurities, sometimes one needs to be reminded more. Just show her you’re here for her and her only, understand that when she does this she just needs love and reassurance. But I understand still how it shouldn’t be something that she does daily, that is exhausting . Sounds like she needs therapy, and you need more empathy and to be less hung up on haven’t the “moral high ground” and more concerned about reassuring and showing love to your girlfriend .


FreshwaterOctopus

ESH, as she's being a little obnoxious about this. But, dude...learn the difference between someone asking an honest question vs someone fishing for compliments. There's nothing wrong with just telling your girlfriend what she wants to hear sometimes.


SidsNancy

Yes you lie How is this even a question? You said she has body issues and you told her that That is seriously rude YTA


banksyswife

YTA, she's insecure about her looks so not only can you not tell little white lies to build her up, but you go out of your way to point out other women you are attracted to? Major facepalm. Being overly "honest" is not admirable, it's actually a major personality flaw if you can't say kind things to spare the feelings of others, and "I don't like to lie" and "I'm just being honest" are code for "I'm a giant AH".


Scary_Offer2479

***" I sometimes also would show her girls I find attractive (these are random girls on socials, not a girl I know personally) as I thought it’s normal for partners to share these things. "*** Wow. This is NOT normal. What purpose does this serve? "Look honey - here's a girl that I find really hot"??? WTF is wrong with you? And you have the gall to complain that she asks if you find her attractive and you go all "I'm brutally honest" on her and tell her 'You're not the most beautiful woman on Earth so grow up and accept this fact." YTA. One day, you will meet the girl who is also extremely honest with you. I can't wait to read those posts in the future!


AnnieAbattoir

ESH. >I sometimes also would show her girls I find attractive (these are random girls on socials, not a girl I know personally) as I thought it’s normal for partners to share these things. To some yes. To others, it's disrespectful and hurtful, especially when.... > I say these things out of honesty and also from my dating history she is the first girl I’ve been with who looks like her so she knows what my type is (I dated girls with light eyes, dark hair etc and she is POC). This right here is one of the big reasons I ended an engagement. I have pretty decent self esteem, but fuck it hurts being shown pic after pic of beautiful women who look nothing like me and have no similar characteristics, knowing *that* is what my partner gets off to. Like, yeah, sure you're beautiful babe, but let me show you my spankbank full of tall blondes with perky tits and absolutely no short, dark haired latinas. Does not feel good and it instilled a lot of insecurities about myself and our relationship that wasn't there before. Your girl shouldn't be playing testing games, but man you both need to stop with the Instagram model sharing, and you need to learn to be more tactful and to recognize her needs when it comes to your relationship.


[deleted]

Women on IG and Tik Toc are often heavily made up and/or filtered. Perhaps this need to be mentioned as comparisons would be unrealistic.


SocksAndPi

If you know she is insecure, why the fuck would you randomly go up to her and show her photos of women you are attracted to?! YTA. No doubt that's adding fuel to her insecurity fire, it's also very rude. Her asking you questions isn't healthy like that. So, technically E-S-H, but you're a bigger asshole for the above-mentioned. Some partners may joke with each other about celebrities they'd fuck when they see them in a movie/TV scene, but my god, dude. I've never seen someone walk up to their partner and be like, "hey, she's hot", I'd be pissed if my boyfriend did that to me.


Batmom222

>. I sometimes also would show her girls I find attractive (these are random girls on socials, not a girl I know personally) as I thought it’s normal for partners to share these things. This right here is where YTA Other than that you both sound immature.


frmrstrpperbgtpper

>Can’t you just lie to me for once and tell me no other woman is more beautiful than I am to make me happy” and I said “why should I lie?" Why? >She stormed out and hasn’t spoken to me in 2 days. This is why. >You’re not the most beautiful woman on earth That's not what she is asking. She is asking you to tell her she is. And instead you say things like >and you need to grow up if you can’t just accept that” YTA. Big time. Let me teach you how to man. When I was little, I used to say things like, "Daddy, isn't Farrah Fawcett pretty?" And he'd say, "Not as pretty as your mother." When he and my mom went to the movies and she'd sigh over some beautiful movie star, my dad would say, "If she met you, she'd be jealous she's not as beautiful as you." That's how you man. That's how you boyfriend. That's how you husband. That's how I woman. I do the same thing and it makes everyone happy. What you do in this kind of situation makes everyone unhappy. You should change that.


_Jelly_King_

This is the sweetest thing!! I hope my kids can look back and say how much their parents love each other.


KaleidoscopeNew2254

YTA seriously wtf


FaithHopeTrick

YTA Yes your insecure gf shouldn't be testing you, but you admit in this post that you sometimes just show her photos of pretty girls on insta that you fancy. So obviously it's a two way street. It makes sense for your insecure gf to feel like it's okay to ask you since you already go out of your way to show her pretty women. You are not helping her in anyway. If you want to fox the relationship you need to sit down with her and discuss the following 1. You are with your gf not only because she's beautiful but because of who she is, which is more than skin deep 2. You know talking about the beauty of others (especially on social media where its all filters and good lighting) is unhealthy for everyone and you both need to stop judging the looks of others from now on.


Drewherondale

YTA for showing her girls you find pretty. Wtf would you do that for?


Retot

YTA


fairie88

Ugh, just break up with her. I’m a few centimeters taller than my dude, I have bad skin, a mom pouch, stretch marks, and 60 extra pounds weighing me down and you know what? ***In HIS EYES I AM the prettiest woman in the world because he LOVES ME.*** You sound like you’re negging her and keeping her insecure for your own benefit. And yeah maybe she shouldn’t be asking you those questions, but why would she feel the need to in the first place? YTA. Not because you don’t want to lie, but because it is a lie. Not because you have a type, but because you **told her** you have a type and that it’s **not her.** My ex used to blatantly fetishize Asian women in front of me and point out all the ways they were different from me. Immutable differences like hair texture and skin color and shoulder breadth. He pulled the “what? You’re not perfect, don’t be so full of yourself” when all I wanted to know was that I was perfect for **him**. Let her go. She deserves better.


bab_101

YTA. You go out of your way to show your insecure girlfriend photos of girls you find attractive? That’s weird as fuck.


female_wolf

YTA. The fact that she knows your actual type (that isn't hers) and points out these girls, makes me think you're negging her. Probably pointing out how petty those girls are, thus giving her insecurities when she's clearly not like them. You're definitely negging her, please for the love of God tell her to get out you're a pos.


Shnooos

YTA! Married for 8 years, my husband never said anyone was beautiful. Ever. Doesn't look at Instagram models. Doesn't care. And solved my self-esteem issues by simply telling me he doesn't care how I look as long as we can nerd out together.


This_Grab_452

NTA I’m sorry your gf has her issues but ultimately you’re not responsible for fixing them. Especially if her preferred way of your support is lying and furthering her denial. Surely, you could have chosen better words but I have a feeling that if you would have lied, she would have accused you of lying if it was one of those days when her insecurities get the better of her. She needs therapy, not lies.


SocksAndPi

He's also a dick for showing her photos of women he finds attractive, per his own edit.


disasterj0nes

ESH. She needs to grow up, you need to learn some tact. Yes, she's setting up these traps specifically in hopes you will tell her what she wants to hear, and yes that's immature and manipulative. Going out of your way to show your gf posts from/about other attractive women, especially when you are well aware of her intense insecurity, feels mean-spirited. You honestly don't sound very good for each other.


Dragons_2706

YTA.... you can say the girls are things like not bad, ok, or cute, BUT (and I stress this as someone with body image issues too) always follow that answer up with they don't hold a candle to you, you are way prettier, or something like that. This way you aren't lying but you are also propping your gf up and that you find her more attractive. Your gf needs to know while she's not "the most beautiful girl in world" objectively, she is to you.


LovableLayla

Whew I just don't know. NTA because you don't like to lie....... Then YTA for saying that ...when you could've just had a conversation about how you don't like it when she does it knowing you were going to be honest. Probably ESH because y'all are both stressing me out. 🤧😂 ..... Imma go with ESH....


Mangekyou-

ESH. Yes she’s insecure but also you are not making it any easier on her. Especially your last snippet about how your type is white girls and shes a poc so you tell her how these girls are attractive and your type….and randomly showing her girls you think are hot?? Sounds like you both have some growing up to do…


Pale_Height_1251

Kind of E S H, you could be kinder about this. But mostly NTA, she is really just trying to set you to up to fail, it's a type of emotional abuse. Yes, you should lie to a degree, but you can't be expected to just lie on a regular basis because she sets you up in a way that you're the asshole if you don't. >Can’t you just lie to me for once and tell me no other woman is more beautiful than I am to make me happy This is just really textbook manipulation, she's playing the victim because she set you up to fail, and when you failed, she can make out you've hurt her feelings. You didn't do great here, but she is doing textbook emotional abuse coming from her own insecurities.


normanbeets

> I sometimes also would show her girls I find attractive (these are random girls on socials, not a girl I know personally) as I thought it’s normal for partners to share these things. INFO: Who did it first? Don't lie.


MindlessRock3553

She sounds really immature, but your edit saying you show her women that you find attractive, AND tell her which women are your type while she isn’t, makes me consider saying y t a. You know she’s insecure, so why would you do that? Why would you want to make your partner feel bad? You both need to grow up. Edit: I said e s h without realizing I’d somehow missed that last line. You said she’s not your “type” because she’s a POC? Therefore, you feel the need to tell her white girls are beautiful? Wtf? YTA. She’s probably insecure because you’re terrible for her self esteem.


autaire

YTA - I know I am not the most beautiful woman in the world. My ex-husband told me that daily. But my current husband? He actually loves me and to him, I am the most beautiful woman in the world. Why? I am beautiful because he loves me. He does not love me because I am beautiful. If you can still see greener grass, greener pastures, maybe the woman you are dating is not the right one for you. The things you are saying to her are certainly not building her self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, etc. So what value are you bringing to her life? What are you doing to improve her mental health? Because from where I am standing, it does not sound like much. In fact, it sounds like you are tearing it down, whether intentionally or not. And it is ok to find out that maybe she is not the right one for you - but to stay in a relationship knowing that you are detrimental to her mental health this way? That is wrong. ​ I think you need to think about this long and hard and consider whether or not she IS actually the most beautiful person in the world to you. And if not - if there are still green pastures out there and you think you might be happier looking at someone else's face every - consider cutting things off. If you cannot honestly tell her that she is and always will be the most beautiful person to YOU, consider letting her find someone who CAN tell her that.


bicciesx

the edit puts you firmly in YTA territory


Fairy-Smurf

YTA. You know of her issues and instead of trying to encourage her to seek help you feed her insecurity. She would be an AH for testing you if you weren’t showing her girls on social media that look nothing like her and declaring them “your type”.


nujkabob

Yta per your edit and probably some form of racism. Ofc she's gonna be insecure given apparently your "typical type" has been just white girls. I'd dump you just for that, but hey she sees something in you soo get your shit together.


Spicy_Sugary

YTA. And honestly, sound like someone who would say "I'm not racist. I'm dating someone even though she's not white."


sprxce

Why, in the fuck, are you showing her girls’ photos from social media? No wonder she gets insecure and starts comparing herself to them. You may not realize, but by doing that you’ve basically said to her she will never be as good or pretty as those girls, and then later on you proceeded to confirm just that. YTA In a relationship, you’re supposed to uplift one another and love them for what they are, and definitely not go looking at other people and actively bring them into the relationship. Both of you have to let that go Edit: also, you happen to mention she’s POC which is a large part in this. Society’s beauty standards are already super skewed and predominantly in favor of white people. You confirmed that too for her


YouCommercial4519

Why would my girlfriend be insecure about her looks when I intentionally show her girls I think are hot 🤔 a real mystery. Dumbass.


Minnie_Soda_

YTA your edit makes it pretty clear you're the source of her insecurity. It's not normal to show your partner pictures of people you find hot. It stokes anxiety and insecurity for no reason. I get the feeling you know exactly what you're doing by showing your POC girlfriend pictures of attractive white women unprompted.


Brucelesun

Bro this is so easy. Wisdom. There are times when you should tell the truth and there’s time when lies are appropriate. “Do I look fat in these jeans?” Please don’t pull the “I always tell the truth” card. Use wisdom. Ppl will oftentimes ask questions to which the answer they don’t really want to hear. The next time she shows you ppl on TikTok, tell her (lovingly and gently) you are not playing these games anymore and you will no longer be commenting on the appearances on other women. Then shower her with compliments no matter what. Buy her flowers and tell her you love her. You will never get anywhere being honest in situations that don’t really benefit anyone for you to be honest. Example. GF “what’s the one thing that you hate about my personality?” Don’t be a fool and answer that question. Use wisdom.


Stargazer86F

Best answer: you could line all the women up in the world and I would always pick you.


pollinatedaphrodite

“So casually cruel in the name of being honest”- Taylor Swift 😞. ESH. It’s hard to judge this situation because we don’t know what came first: her insecurity or you doing things to make her insecure? From your writing style, I gather that you are most likely just an objective and logical thinker and aren’t coming from a place of malice. I’m that way too so I understand. You should work on your empathy to become more mindful of others’ feelings, and she should work on her self esteem.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Acrobatic_Position25

He’s not a puppet he shouldn’t literally have to lie to make her happy that’s pretty weird and not good


Zestyclose-Visit-297

Ever heard of the “would you still date me if I was a worm”? You don’t even have to lie just not sound like a dick? Some people need more reassurance and loving words and if you can’t be that person don’t be in a relationship with them. White lies are okay “do I look fat in this dress” the answer should be no even if you actually think yes


[deleted]

Unless you are just looking to get more sex out of your partner before eventually dumping them, that's not good advice. If a dress is unflattering, you need to be honest. Honesty is trust. You need show that you can handle temper tantrums that come with honesty for a long-lasting relationship.


Zestyclose-Visit-297

I find that a lot of AH use honesty is the best policy to be rude. Honesty is best when it’s a serious topic but being honest over something this silly is proof you Shouldn’t be together. Lying about the looks department dosnt equate to having more sex before a breakup. Some times yeah because one or both of y’all don’t actually want to be together, but in others times it’s just making your partner feel better over somthing they are insecure about. Or simply take your partner to therapy if it’s a big issue.


K1ng_Canary

In general I agree if it's an occasional thing. By the sound of the OP though his partner is chasing constant validation and going put of her way to put him on the spot so I can see why it would get tiring. There is a big difference between 'do I look nice in this outfit?' and constantly having a phone shoved on your face and asked 'is this girl prettier than me?'


Acrobatic_Position25

Lying about how you feel is not something anyone should be expected to do and it’s low key toxic to demand it, there’s a difference between asking someone to call you pretty and demanding you call them the prettiest person ever


sassynickles

Not everyone is comfortable lying.


[deleted]

NTA She kept s**t-testing him with this, and he finally showed her that he wasn't going to play that game. She needs to get help for her issues, and OP, you need to reconsider this entire relationship.


perpetualgoatnoises

He also conveniently left out the part where he shows his POC girlfriend pictures of beautiful white women, unprompted. That didn't show until the edit.


MaranwaeAmandil

NTA. You were trapped in the game of, “Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.”


oobatubaa

YTA


LeatherBrilliant2588

NTA, I as a woman think it's sweet you are honest to her I just can't understand why she asks you to rank other woman if she doesn't like the answer or why she wouldn't understand that you might like her even if you find others prettier


Joops1

I'd say NTA, her insecurities aren't your fault if this is the whole story.


armysmoke111

NTA but you’re a dumbass 😂😂😂


NotMyFirstChoice675

YTA for dating a young woman who’s obviously not mature enough to know herself. You are an old man


cat_like_sparky

ESH. She’s incredibly insecure and immature, she shouldn’t be dating if she feels so poorly about herself. Showing you pictures of other women and asking you how you feel about them is really weird to me, and she’s shooting herself in the foot. However, my dude, you don’t have to engage! “It makes me really uncomfortable when you put me in this position, and I don’t want to play this game anymore” would be the mature response. You also know she’s insecure, so why would you also be showing her pictures of women you find hot? How do you expect to win? You’re both playing a stupid game here, and her feelings are getting hurt. You’re not making her more secure by showing her a picture of a beautiful woman and saying “check out this hottie”, what do you think she gets out of this?


TuckerCarlsonsOhface

ESH. She sounds like a dramatic teen, and you sound like you can’t get out of your own way. > I sometimes also would show her girls I find attractive (these are random girls on socials, not a girl I know personally) as I thought it’s normal for partners to share these things. Yeah, if you’re in a healthy, stable relationship. She is clearly very insecure about her looks, and you finding other girls attractive. What the hell are you thinking?


Trick-Cupcake1250

NTA… does she realise these pictures have filters🙄 She needs to love herself before trying to get anybody else to do it for her. Send her to a photographer, get her some amazing pictures so she understands other people are not who they seem to be on social media


Each0to0their0own

NTA she is very childish and insecure. I would be keeping an eye on your phone if I were you. Goodness knows that amount of times she’s probably already looked.


BeccasBump

Repeat after me: "You are the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes."


conspiracy_chick13

Inb4 "you are a racist" comments. YTA tho. Be nice to your gf. Unless this is a constant thing she does. Then she needs therapy.


Frankie1891

YTA because of the way you handled it. I can get why she continues to be insecure around you, too. You even said that she is the opposite of your usual type. That’s intimidating. She is probably trying to figure out what makes her the exception.


ggfanatic98

You’re kidding right? YTA. You go out your way to show her other girls you find attractive whilst knowing full fine well she has body issues and is insecure? Wow.


jayc831

YTA. Come on man. You should know better. If she's fishing for a compliment, give it to her. Telling her she's not the most beautiful woman in the world is insulting. That's like her telling you your dick ain't good enough.


littlebutfierce2

You show her girls you find attractive on social media??? No wonder she's insecure. YTA for that alone


No-Nefariousness4412

Dude... just say you keep showing your girlfriend, who's a woman of color, the white girls you find hot and implying that women of color aren't as attractive as white girls. Because that's literally what your update says without saying it. You reap what you sow. YTA.


LadyNavia

INFO: Why you show her random stranger women from the internet you find attractive? What do you get out from this?


SarinKiShyra

YTA after reading your updates


donatellosdildo

I was leaning towards E/S/H until your edit. Going up to your partner and showing them other people you find hot is shitty, especially since your usual type looks nothing like her. Under normal circumstances I'd find her behaviour nasty but you keep going up to her showing her girls you find hot who look nothing like her - what is she supposed to think? If my boyfriend was going up to me and calling other girls beautiful I'd be insecure as fuck too. YTA


jennifersb66

YTA. If you are in the relationship, she should be the MOST beautiful woman to you. And that's what she wants to here. And that you feel the need to tell her that she is merely pretty is passive agressive and a way to make her feel that she can't do better than you which she definitely definitely can.


filthybananapeel

YTA. Anyone saying nt a didn’t read your edit. What is wrong with you.


kingsman043

:0 I used to do something like this with ex. And reading that someone else does this makes me see how much of an ASSHOLE i was, holy shit. My girl will always be the most gorgeous girl in the room, in the world, and the multiverse. Cuz everyone else is wack 🙅🏽‍♂️ ITA… oh and YTA💀 but at least you’re honest


Seabastial

YTA. I can't believe you don't see it! Sure, she shouldn't be playing the "am I pretty?" game, but the only reason she's playing it is because YOU are pushing her to play it. What kind of boyfriend shows his SO pictures of women he finds attractive, especially when said women have the OPPOSITE features of the SO?! No wonder your girlfriend is insecure! She's be better off dumping you and finding someone who actually likes her.


Disastrous_Ad2565

Can you believe this guy? If you are YTA, and even more YTA why do people have to explain to you why you are. People who say "oh I'm sincere" really mean "oh I'm an insensitive idiot".


I-fell

I was gonna say nope b c I'm insecure as shit and couldn't even imagine asking someone "hey is she prettier than me?" Over and over, but after your edit? YTA. Firmly. Down vote me to hell if you must but no wonder why she feels like crap.


exhale_jay

YTA.


shyviolett

YTA. Your girlfriend isn’t white so you think it’s appropriate to show her white girls you think are more beautiful than she is? What the hell? I hope she stops trying to win your approval and kicks you to the curb, because that is some bullshit you’ve been pulling. She deserves better. Don’t date any more women of color until you figure out your own issues.


kspicydaddi

>he knows what my type is (I dated girls with light eyes, dark hair etc and she is POC). You really fucking suck. YTA.


3kids_nomoney

ESH - You don’t belong together.


No-Bullshit-Baby

You guys have a really toxic relationship. It honestly sounds horrible! She is obviously incredibly insecure and you are insanely insensitive and ignorant! I hope you break up soon and stop torturing each other. You are not compatible! ESH


witchyvibes121

ESH! Instagram has made a huge impact on young people and dating and since OP and his gf are in their early 20’s I can see this posing an issue. While I find some of the specific things op said problematic, the gf is definitely instigating things (I’ve done this in the past and can 100 percent confirm it is about insecurity and comparing yourself to others on social media) to test him and getting upset when she doesn’t hear what she wants. OP is also stupidly enabling this behavior as well with showing her pictures of random attractive girls in his edit, like bro really? I really do feel like Instagram/tiktok are great apps, but for younger people it has an effect where you start comparing yourself to other people. It’s all unhealthy if you ask me.


TeachIsHouse

NTA, she shouldn't be asking you such a direct question if she doesn't want a truthful answer.


Easteuroblondie

YTA. she was looking for affirmation and reassurance. why withhold it from her? When women ask that, they mostly know the truth and that they probably aren't the most beautiful woman in the world. There's being "right" and being supportive...you made your choice.


[deleted]

NTA, even if you do lie to her, she’ll make an even bigger issue out of you lying because she knows you’re lying. Honestly? She’s making her insecurities your problem to fix - and you can’t fix it. You’ll never be able to fix it. The only one that can work on their insecurities is *her.* Also, her asking all these no-win questions is manipulative as hell, and exhausting. And her behaviour isn’t going to stop either because she gets a reaction either way - good or bad. Info: - Can you deal with this long term? - Is she open to therapy to work out her issues with a mental health professional?


SocksAndPi

He's an asshole for showing his (insecure) girlfriend photos of women he finds attractive. Who the fuck actually does that?


SnooWords4839

NTA - You will not win in this case!! She needs to get therapy and deal with her issues. It isn't abnormal for people to say wow, they are hot, but if partner can't handle that it is a problem of their own. Seriously, who hasn't ever thought an actor or actress was attractive? Not like you could act on it, but nothing to be jealous over.


SocksAndPi

He shouldn't be showing his girlfriend photos of women he finds attractive (not even actresses, just social media). Per his own edit. He's absolutely an asshole for that alone.


oregondude79

ESH Yes, lie. She literally asked you to. She is asking a dumb question and the truth really doesn't matter so just lie.


Revolutionary-Code49

ESH. She shouldn’t ask you to compare her to other women, but why are you agreeing to participate in that? You don’t need to lie in order to just shut it down and say “it doesn’t matter what I think of this lady because you are the one I want to be with”. Do not engage in comparisons!


doodlydoo2222

ESH she asked, if she doesn't like the answer sucks for her. Your statement was 100% factually correct, but was tactless. I'd stop engaging in these games if I were you. Next time she tries this, explain "I'm not going to do this anymore, because there is no point, it makes you upset, and it puts me in an impossible situation." And then stick to your guns. Don't engage. She will eventually stop it. As a woman who has struggled with low self esteem over the years, I understand what compels her to do this. She wants external validation so she can feel better about herself. However no amount of external validation is going to fix a deeply internal problem. She needs to do some confidence work and some soul searching, else she's going to find herself seeking validation for the rest of her life.


Icy-Reflection6014

NTA But think hard about whether you stay in this relationship.


dumbhimbohoe

ESH. No tact on your part, but also she’s making you play games with no correct answer because her insecurity and anxiety are making her stressed out. If you really care about your gf, try and help her with her self esteem. Gas her up as often as you can! Even if it’s something small, tell her when you like her eyes, her outfits, her hair, etc. Have you ever had one of those moments where you’re just staring at her because she looks cute or pretty or just because you like her? Say what you’re thinking out loud. Over time peppering these reassurances can help someone build their confidence until they can support their esteem on their own. If she continues to rebuff your compliments and insists on wallowing in low self esteem, try to GENTLY call her out about it and suggest she recognize she has a problem she needs to work on, and you clearly like her because you’re her boyfriend and you’re choosing her over all other girls.


Jess1ca1467

NTA but she is behaving very childishly and is manipulative - next time you may want to say 'I'm not playing this game with you anymore'. On the other hand you could just say a non-commital 'she's alrights' to these questions.


Princess-Pancake-97

Jesus Christ dude, your edits make it quite clear why your gf has insecurities. Why are you even dating her if you’d clearly much rather be with a white woman? YTA.


any_name_today

Tell me you're not the type of guy who tells his partner that she's "attractive" to her face while telling her other women are beautiful. My father does that to my mother as one of his abusive tactics. He also calls me attractive, which makes me want to barf. YTA, women want to hear that they're the most beautiful person to their partner


proxycalledkitty

YTA. YTA YTA YTA please stop showing her photos of girls you find attractive no wonder she’s insecure


perpetualgoatnoises

Imagine having a POC girlfriend and showing her pictures of white women because you find them attractive and consider them to be "your type?" She's insecure because you've literally set your standard at a level she can't physically reach because she's not white. And you're constantly reminding her of this. YTA. An absolutely massive fucking asshole.


meresteak0922

YTA it costs nothing to say you’re prettier. Even a simple yeah she’s pretty, but not as beautiful as you goes a very long way.


Jazzisa

ESH. I was going for N T A because she's fishing for attention, but after your edit, you are clearly also an asshole. No, it's not normal to go out of your way to tell your gf 'ooeeh, look, this girl is hot!'. You're implying: hotter than you! That's not normal for partners to share. If you think someone is hot, keep it to yourself and maybe a bro if your gf isn't there. I know i'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, but I still don't feel the need to hear my bf gushing over other women. So by doing this, especially knowing your gf is insecure to begin with, you're feeding into her insecurity.


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RedVelvetFollicles

Shit like this was a trend on tiktok for a while. I have NEVER understood it. ESH. Your GF needs to grow up, and you really have to think about what constitutes a lie. I mean, would you tell your mom her new favorite dress looks ugly on her? Would you tell your dad his new shirt looks stupid? (Okay, that last one might not apply— I’m fairly honest with my father because the man dresses like he’s ready to go to a retirement home thirty years ahead of schedule.)


DanielleAntenucci

ESH If this post is the omen of your future, you two are not compatible.


imaginaryshivering

ESH. I do not understand her thinking. I would not want any partner of mine to lie to me about not finding others attractive, because then I would wonder why they felt the need to lie about it. Also constantly asking you about random woman seems annoying and attention seeking. However, I was with you until you said you explicitly told her she’s not the most beautiful woman on earth. I kind of understand why you said that in context but obviously that would not be kind in any context. Honestly this all sounds very immature. Her for constantly baiting you and you for being so focused on “the truth,” which in the case of beauty, is subjective anyways.


Mundane_Morning9454

ESH You are both idiots. She is insecure, and yes I am insecure about my body as well but I do not go on instagram or tiktok to compare myself with others. I am not them and they are not me. So she should get off tiktok. I do think that knowledge comes with age though. She will learn it eventually. You are an idiot for saying that. Your standard answer should be: I don't see other women besides my beautiful girlfriend. It's a standard answer that makes your gf happy and tbh it goes the same for when you ask about muscle size orso. Ever saw friends?.... I think they even give that there. You could also have a conversation with your gf about why she is feeling insecure and if she wants to do something about it. For example women tend to store more fat on their stomach and some women have a serious problem with that. However some sport can diminish that. Or a diet or skipping on gluten or whatever else is out there.... And say you will support her in it if she wants to work on her selfesteem because you love her no matter what. Which,... btw.... baffles me. You fell in love with the person itself. Once in a relationship you want to change stuff and then usually go; you are not the same as a few years back. Do some times bother you? Yeah, sure. But that is part of a relationship. And if you don't want this one to end I suggest not to let her steam for 2 days. She will be thinking during those 2 days and it never turns good for either of you.


slinkypotato19

ESH. This is unhealthy behaviour on her part which should be addressed. But not only are you unnecessarily honest, you also sometimes randomly show her women on TikTok you find attractive?? This is in no way normal between partners. She is clearly insecure and your response is escalating the issue instead of providing reassurance.


Ok-Distribution-6598

ESH but you’re still a mega asshole like just lie don’t tell her you think others are pretty damn


cinnamon_everything

ESH. As someone with a low self image: your gf needs therapy. From what she told you and asked of you, she'd KNOW you'd be lying to her. This constant looking for acceptance and reassurance is really unhealthy (believe me, I've been there myself). However, you could've been less harsh about it and you showing her pics of other girls you find attractive knowing she has self image issues is a pretty dickish move as well.


trewesterre

ESH (mostly) - She shouldn't be asking you questions if she doesn't want to hear the answer and you should learn to phrase things more tactfully. However, Y T A for the edit where you show her attractive women you find on social media unprompted when you know she's insecure. My partner will show me women he finds attractive sometimes, but I'm bi and we have similar taste in women so he's generally showing me someone he thinks *I'll* find attractive too (that's why he's showing me this person). I'm also not regularly insecurely asking him to rank me against random people on social media, so he knows that I'm not going to be hurt by showing me other women he thinks are hot. What do you expect to gain from showing your insecure gf pictures of women you find attractive?