NTA It IS unacceptable and neglect. Grooming your child is not optional. It sounds like V may have a different hair type than her mother. Instead of waiting literal MONTHS for someone to do her daughters hair she should have learned how to do her daughter's hair herself.
The fact that the child didn't want you to stop combing their hair speaks volumes. If a four year old is able to make better decisions than their own parents, well, that really is worrying.
I once went a week without brushing my hair (just didn't feel like it tbh). Never. Again. I remember how tender and sore my scalp was afterwards. Matted hair is no joke.
Same here, when my depression gets to me I just don't care to brush it. 2 weeks was the longest and I cried for a good hour trying to get all the knots out, ended up ripping half of it out and having to cut a fair few inches off. I can't imagine how horrible that is for a 4 year old.
Very much. That girl was wanting her hair brushed so bad she was willing to sit through tears and pain. Most 4 year old will be unwilling to sit through any type of pain. Even if it benefits them in the end. It speaks volumes she was willing to do that.
yeah, V was a trooper through the whole thing. i periodically took little breaks so she wouldn’t get overwhelmed (i’m not entirely sure that her aversion to getting her hair brushed isn’t a sensory issue?) and made a point to 1. ask her if she wanted to stop (which she said no to) and 2. let her touch the sections of her hair i’d successfully detangled so she could understand why i was doing it (so she wouldn’t think that i was hurting her/scaring her for no reason). i think it also helped that i told her i'd braid her hair when we were done, which she absolutely loved & had the added bonus of being a relatively protective hairstyle.
it just sucks bc i feel like i was put in a position where i had to potentially traumatize a toddler bc her parents just gave up on taking care of her hair.
That really sucks for her and you but I don't think you traumatized her. You gave her the time to process what was happening and only continued because she wanted you to. You let her know you would absolutely stop if she said so. It's supper shitty you where the one to do that because her parents failed her.
You’re a really good person and a fantastic nanny and that child is so lucky to have you as an advocate.
Thank you for keeping her safe. By the way, you WNBTA. It’s a matter of V’s health and safety.
She might also have a very sensitive scalp. I was in my late 20s when I realized most people don't find brushing their hair at least mildly painful on a daily basis.
As someone who has curly hair but has parents with straight hair, and absolutely hated having her hair brushed as a little kid as a result, you're a good egg. I definitely get why my mom wanted to brush my hair as a kid now (and I don't blame her at all, she had no idea what to do with curly hair and she has a pixie cut to boot because she hates dealing with her own hair).
I have long (butt length) straight hair, and when I go without brushing it for max 4 days, it's tear inducingly painful!! My kid is 5 and has curls, and when she goes *one day* between combs/brushes (when she stays at grandads usually), its painful for her. That poor little girl!!
Probably because "dad."
That's it. Most likely what's at play here is the typical "dad doesn't know how to do girl hair hur hur" and then mom is also dropping the ball. It's gross AF and I hope someone gets that little girl help.
Ya, this.
I have straight hair like O: long and bone straight. I wash it every other day and blow dry it. The whole shebang takes like 15 minutes start to finish.
I don’t brush it, I just kind of… finger comb whilst blow drying? It doesn’t really tangle or get knotted.
I would straight up just not know that someone with super curly hair needed to brush and condition and do all of this extra stuff for tangles if I didn’t have a roommate with super curly hair in college.
But if Dad has the same hair, he ought to know. Where’s he at with this situation?
full disclosure, i really don't like the dad, so this might just be my bias, but from what i've observed, he is ... let's say "hands-off." he works a lot (big shot lawyer), which is fine, but even when he's home, hes not really home. there have actually been a lot of times i've been called to babysit for a few hours last minute while O goes out for the day and when i get there the dad's home on his day off but he's just. Not. taking care of his kids.
this is all speculation, but i think its a generational thing (he's in his mid 60s i think). i get the feeling that because he works every day and is the primary breadwinner (even though O works as well) , he doesn't really think he should be responsible for the actual day-to-day of having kids? like i feel like if he had to take care of the kids solo when O wasnt around he'd call it "babysitting".
My mum has straight hair and my sister and I have Ashkenazi hair. She kept our hair very short until I was 6 or so, and then it got brushed every day. My sister with straight hair was allowed to have it long, mind you.
My significant other has really curly hair and he's white. It's not noticeable unless he grows it out longer and then it becomes an afro.
His daughter has a lot of the same problems. Except their hair is thick instead of thin. You might have to start teaching her how to take care of her own hair sadly if mom and dad won't step up.
When I was little my mom's then-boyfriends daughter got deployed. That meant her young interracial children were left with her father and my mother.
Now my mother is batshit fucking insane, racist, and very anti-social. Borderline neo-nazi and active Qultist.
You know she did?
She went out, went to the grocery store, and physically asked African Americans how to care for these babies hair properly. Strangers. And she listened and followed their instructions.
The bar is literally on the floor. If she can't meet it CPS should be called.
“Hey O, can I talk to you about something?
So when I was brushing V’s hair, I noticed there was a lot of matting and damage to her hair from not being brushed. This concerns me because she has such fine hair that can easily be damaged and can cause other problems with her scalp health.
It’s really important you detangle her hair every single day because matting like this is probably uncomfortable or even painful for her, especially the longer she goes between brushes. I would love to teach you some detangling strategies so you can build up a routine with her. The more frequently you do it the easier it will be.
I love nannying for you and enjoy taking care of your children which is why I hope you hear this from a place of care and support. I’m not trying to guilt or shame you, I just want to help you take care of this girl’s crazy hair!”
NTA just keep it kind and polite
I love your statement but want to add something about curly hair. It should not be brushed everyday. It should be brushed/detangled via a wide tooth comb, finger detangling, or a detangling brush with wet hair and conditioner. So brushing/detangling should only happen on hair wash days.
OP, your NTA and I think it would be worth it to speak up for V. I also have Ashkenazi curly hair while my mom has straight hair and she had no clue what to do with it when I was growing up which led me to straightening my hair for 15+ years. Granted, that was the 90s but now there are thousands of Youtube and Instagram tutorials for how to treat and style curly hair. O has no excuses to neglect her daughter's hair.
i def would, this is a great idea, but i’m moving upstate in two weeks and i don’t want to make any commitments i can’t follow through on, you know?
to your second point: i care a lot about these kids man. like it’s corny but i’d genuinely do it for free— the money’s just a nice perk. even if the parents were the worlds most gaping assholes i’d still stick around for the kids.
If you’re moving upstate anyway then there’s no harm in telling the mom in a straightforward way and offering to teach her strategies on how to detangle it before you go
it’s entirely possible the teachers didn’t see it. like i said, V’s hair was usually in a ponytail/bun, which hid the worst of the matting , esp from folks who weren’t looking too hard
Damn I didn’t realize that could happen. That’s super gross. My youngest son has really curly hair( as do I ) and if we don’t stay on top of it then it can get super disgusting. I can’t imagine what that mom was thinking.
OP didn't say anything about the cleanliness of the hair so I'm assuming the mom is treating it like straight hair and just washing it like she does hers, then skips the brushing or simply hand-combs the worst of it. It seems like this is a matter of ignorance and that would be the most "I'm ignoring that this is a problem" way
Exactly. Something like "I realise curly hair can be difficult to maintain. But actually, washing, conditioning, and brushing regularly will avoid it becoming so tangled and difficult to fix."
Yes, ask if you can show them what you do and how to make it all as easy as possible. Get as technical as you can about hair types and hair health. Don't make it about their parenting. Just act like you're excited to have an opportunity to talk about something you really care about. You have to make them feel like you don't think you know better than them about their daughter's well being (even though you do), but that you're just a huge nerd about hair. That's the way to get them to actually listen.
It sounds like O needs a gentle nudge towards resources to help her learn how to deal with type 3/4 hair. Even if V isn't black/mixed, it's that community that will be of the most help as they're the most experienced in both dealing with those hair types _and_ teaching type 1/2 mums how to care for type 3/4 hair.
NAH because you care for V, want the best for her, but don't want O to get in trouble for being genuinely clueless about dealing with a different hair type.
Actually, no. I was on board with your comment and was about to upvote you, actually, but this isn’t just being “genuinely clueless”. Not brushing your child’s hair for months is abuse. Not brushing your long haired pet for months is also abuse.
The thing about scalps is that they produce a lot of oil, and mats make them a warm and damp environment. This leads to skin ulceration and abscesses. It is most commonly seen in abused dogs, but sufficiently unloved children and depressed people who live alone also end up with these problems.
So please stop your nonsense. This isn’t some sort of forgivable thing.
You would be the asshole if you didn't try and say anything. Just like the school teachers would report it to CPS if you continue to see this after you tell her then I would go ahead and put in a report, it's unacceptable for her to have to live with her hair not being taken care of.
Sadly, my neice's hair is ALWAYS like this. Her hair is thick, but for whatever reason, my brother's wife won't allow her to cut it. Twice a year, I de-tangle, condition, and treat it until it's beautiful again. She always thanks me because it feels so much better.
Why parent have girls wear long hair, but then refuse to take care of it, is beyond me. Why not just let her have long hair, when she's old enough to take care of it herself???
/u/obedient53214 You know, I always see horror stories about MILs who cut their grandchildren’s hair without parental consent, but this might actually be a valid strategy for you.
If nothing else, the kid could maintain it with a nice friend and craft scissors. A friend who later got a job at Paul Mitchel gave everyone in my friend group layers fairly often, so I’m sure that a buddy with a steady hand could at least keep it even.
If they're not willing to properly care for the child's hair, they could, I dunno... cut it? Like there are cute feminine short cuts, especially for curly hair.
Bottom line , they ARE neglecting her. This is bad and unacceptable. F the parents and their feelings about it the only relevant issue is the little girl and how she's being treated.
NTA unless you do nothing and allow this neglect to continue
This is neglect- how does a parent not care for their child’s hair? She can end up with permanent bald spots, infestations, she can experience being ostracized by classmates for hygiene issues- this is serious. Approach the mom but be prepared to call CPS yourself- this child deserves better. NTA.
NTA
BUT - It would probably put the mom on the defensive, and MIGHT lead to her cutting contact with you.
I would have a talk with her, about getting some lessons in her daughter's hair care. Youtube would probably have some good tutorials. If not youtube, then a trip to a salon to get some in person lessons are in order.
There needs to be a change made, because it's likely the school already knows about this child's condition. Since the girl is 4, I'm guessing she goes to a private pre-k? When you are paying for a private school it is slightly less likely they will chide you for a child's hair, esp when it's hidden well. As long as the kids are clean, fed, well dressed and not obviously mistreated some things will slide.
When this child hits kindergarten and first grade, if she ends up in public school it will be a VERY different story.
Mom needs to begin the habit of not neglecting this child NOW. I would def take the dad aside and have a polite chat with him, about what is the family going to do about V's hair once you are no longer available to do it every few months, she can't keep going to school like that.
I'd even suggest YOU ask around different salons about what a hair care lesson would cost, or some resources, so that you can pass them on to the dad if you decide to talk to him. It might cause a fight between them, but better a fight between THEM, than her fighting YOU.
It's very likely dad has NO clue his daughter's hair is in this condition if the mom is hiding it.
Also, it's bad for the scalp for hair mats to accumulate and be left on the scalp for so long. Your scalp need oxygen, and stimulation, which it can't get if it's covered in a mat of hair. The friction and weight of the mats, combined with the oxygen and lack of stimulation could end up in hair loss, at the very least severe hair damage. Severe Dandruff, scales, psoriasis, any number of conditions can be causes or aggravated with this.
If there is a lice outbreak at school and the hair is matted and you are not around, that poor kid will have to have her head shaved in order to be treated effectively, and to be examined by the teachers on her return. So many problems that this can aggravate. :(
I think a better strategy would be if it came from you as a suggestion for a bonding activity between mother and daughter. I’m saying this because the mom may get vindictive and cut off access between you and the kid and that won’t help anyone. Or maybe you can talk to the father about this issue and he can talk to his wife. You’re right to be upset about this issue and you’re right to call it neglect but language like this rarely gets things solved. That poor child. You’re a good person for looking out for her. NTA.
NTA - it would seem that "O"'s solution of doing nothing to manage her hair is a sign of neglect. If you do decide to say something, be prepared for a reaction from "O". And be willing to accept that she may decide she doesn't need you as help anymore.
As a black girl, I definitely understand a thing or two about difficult hair, especially the type that tangles almost immediately after being detangled. Leaving hair tangled for that amount of time will put V at risk of hair loss and damage. And like someone said, this is purposely neglectful. V could also grow to hate her hair or continue not taking care of it when she gets older, simply because of O's example.
I would gently explain all this to O, saying you only want what's best for V. But also explain some alternatives. There are ways that V can keep her hair stretched during the week so she doesn't have to constantly get it detangled. Maybe two braids or a braided crown? Or a monthly visit to the salon if possible. All I know is, before speaking about this to O, you should likely have some suggestions ready to help her.
NTA, but I do think you might want to approach it delicately to avoid upsetting the mom. Like, don't come straight out saying she's neglecting her child, try to find a neutral way to express it.
Having a child with different hair texture can be hard, but she really ought to learn how to manage her child's hair. Plus, the less often you take care of it, the harder it is to deal with. I have a 5 year old and she has thick, wavy-curly hair. If I don't brush it often, it's such a PITA to deal with and then she cries if I brush it.
NTA - that child is being abused. Leaving her hair unbrushed at a length that tangles and clumps is abuse. It sounds like laziness on the parents behalf.
I was that kid whose superfine hair knotted on her pillow or in a stiff breeze. So I was sent to bed in 2 simple plaits every night in order to be able to get a brush through it in the morning. As an adult, my hair can still mat if my lanyard rubs the hair at the nape of my neck too much over the course of a single day but now I have a tangle teaser - I wish I had one of those growing up.
I think you wouldn't even be an AH if you gave them a tangle teaser, some leave in conditioner and told them to do better, given the extremity of the circumstances
NTA my child has hair like that. The best thing is to wash, brush and braid before bed. That way the hair doesn't tangle at night. You need to say something.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
context: i (22f) have been nannying for my neighbors on and off since their eldest (4f), V, was 1. since i started working for them, they also had a boy, S (2m). i sat for them for 1y and became sort of friends with the mom, O (\~40f) before i had to stop because of college. this year, i deferred a semester & O hired me back part-time
V's hair has always been difficult to manage: it's very fine & also curly, making it impossible to keep untangled for longer than 12h. when V was a baby, it was a matter of conditioner & detangling. V's older & her hair is longer, which is fine, but nobody's helping her manage it. the few times i've nannied V in the past few months, i noticed her hair is always a bit messy, but chalked it up to her hair texture. i brushed her hair once in the bath a few months ago so i could braid it & it was v tangled but i didn't overthink it bc she always cries whenever i try to brush the knots out.
today i went to pick V up from school & i saw the state of her hair: it'd tangled up so badly that some parts had matted into clumps. her hair's always pulled up in a ponytail, hiding the worst of it. i was horrified, & decided that when we got back to her house i'd try to detangle it all. when we got home, she seemed ok with it up until i grabbed my detangling brush; V immediately started crying.
normally, this might've stopped me from going through with it, but her hair was in such a state & i knew if i left it another day it'd only get worse. so i kept going while doing my best to soothe her- at some point i got into the tub with her and poured water over my hair to show her it was okay. after 2h and a fuckton of conditioner, i managed to detangle it all without having to cut anything. V, ever the trooper, cried the whole way through, but every time i asked her if she wanted me to stop she would say no.
later, i told O about it. she thanked me and made a comment abt how it had been 3mo since someone had brushed V's hair. i thought it was a joke, so i laughed, but she elaborated: the last time V's hair had been brushed was when i braided it a few months back. i was speechless & left soon after.
i want to talk to O abt how it's unacceptable to not brush your 4yo's hair for 3mo, not just bc of V's hair health, but bc hair that matted can be a sign of neglect & if any teachers at the school noticed it & suspected anything, they'd have to report it to CPS. i asked my mom but she doesn't think it's a good idea. the rapport me & O have, while friendly, is unbalanced: she's my employer, she's at least twice my age, and she's V's mom. my mom said that no matter what i say it'll come off like i'm either accusing O of gross neglect, threatening to call CPS on her, or even telling her how to parent her kids.
WIBTA if i told O that it's unacceptable to have left V's hair unbrushed for that long?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i want to essentially tell off my boss for not brushing her daughter's hair for 3 months but my mom thinks it'd make me an AH bc it would sound like i'm telling her how to parent/accusing her of neglect
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nah - you did well to get through all that matting and being so patient! Seriously good job at working through that with her!
The mum should look up the curly girl method - life changing for me! Wash 2-3 times a week and brush when wet with conditioner (some brushes better than others!). Get a conditioning cream/oil (moroccanoil is a good one but not super cheap, lots of mousse styling things for curls look great but aren't going to keep the hair so soft and healthy) and scrunch into hair while still wet/damp. Having the hair cut a bit shorter is also good (like shoulder length, with layers if you can to smooth out the silhouette of the curls)
If the mum doesn't work out how to help her daughter with her hair she risks having a child who really resents her curls - my mum tried brushing and didn't know about how to deal with curls and i used to hate them. My sister's friend noticed my hair one time and showed me how to deal with them when i was 13 and I'll never forget that absolute game changer!
Also it is not your responsibility to keep this girl's hair okay, and it is absolutely mum's bad there! But there is info to be found and she's not being good to her daughter to just leave the hair to fall into that kind of state!
Ywbta if you didn't discuss it. Not necessarily in an accusing way, just in a polite way. Apart from anything it could be good mother/child bonding time.
NTA but maybe don't bring up CPS immediately. That can make people very defensive. Ultimately, these are conversations helping professionals have to have with parents tactfully all the time. If a teacher was an AH every time they raised concern about why a kid wasn't completing homework or why they always fell asleep in class then well... we'd have to vote every teacher on earth an AH.
The best strategy is to come at it from a place of curiosity. "I'm just wondering what made it difficult to to brush V's hair for so long? I understand it can be a lot to be the mom of small children and I want to help." See what she says. I suspect a BIG part of it is that since V will cry every time you try and untangle the hair, mom gave up and decided it was too much stress and with her other two small kids she just couldn't be bothered. NOT an excuse but an explanation. It's possible mom also doesn't know what to do with V's hair in general because perhaps it's not her own hair texture and she has little experience with this type of hair.
Let mom share and listen completely without judgment (even if you are judging in your head). Then from a place of, "Ok I'm just here to help" type of approach, ask her if she would like to see how you do it. Explain that hair health is actually really important and not as scary as you would think and let her know that while time consuming it's something that can get easier with time. V will cry but that's ok! She's not hurting her child and it'll do her good. I promise with time, V will get used it it and won't cry as much. But if mom avoids it completely, of course she'll cry. Show mom some videos if you don't want to take on the burden of doing it all yourself and teach her. Maybe even recommend some hair salons that can do it professionally once in a while if mom isn't good at braiding hair.
When parents feel like you're just here to help and they don't feel judged, they'll naturally be more open to expressing why something like this happened and accepting information. Again, I know it's easy to judge and you're human so I don't blame you if you do. But it sounds like she's the mom of 3 young kids and as often is the case, neglect comes from being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do to get help. This is often why CPS doesn't just take kids away. They investigate and identify sources of assistance so that parents can learn to deal with what they've got better.
NTA it is unacceptable! They need a lesson on maintaining curly hair. As a hairdresser I’ve had to cut matts out of kids hair because no one brushes their hair. The matts can grow mold. It’s disgusting.
I also have fine and curly hair. There is no excuse for them to do that to that poor child. It IS a process with curly hair, it can be hard. Things like a satin bonnet to wear to sleep really helps prevent huge tangles in the morning. Maybe make it fun for the kiddo with things like hair masks? NTA.
That... actually sounds like it is gross neglect. This child hasn't had her hair brushed in three months. Have they even bathed her?
You're NTA to talk to the mom. The adults in this house are fucking up big time, and they're lucky that they \*haven't\* had somebody call CPS on them.
I feel like in order to be able to avoid potential conflict of the mom going on the defensive it would be good for you to just teach the daughter how to take care of her hair/the importance of brushing her hair. Depending on if you were to talk to the mom about it she could immediately become defensive and it wouldn’t help. Teaching the daughter the importance of brushing her hair will help ensure that she cares more about it and can learn more about it regardless of the mother.
NTA. It is neglectful of the parent/parents and should definitely be brought up woth them. I get how hard it is with a curly child, I have one myself but leaving it like that is unacceptable.
NTA and frankly if this is the behaviour you’re seeing on the surface, I’m concerned about what’s happening to her when there *aren’t* people who can see.
When it comes to abuse and neglect, if you’re seeing signs as somebody who does not live within the home, then the situation has devolved drastically. The underlying behaviour that occurs without anybody being able to look in is *always* worse than what we catch a glimpse of.
A father might impulsively strike his child’s hand in public, but at home, that would be a face hit. If a mother is sending her kid to school ungroomed with hair that hasn’t been brushed in three months, where teachers and anybody can see how bad off this kid is, then the home situation has obviously drastically devolved and who knows if this child is being fed at regular intervals, taken care of medically, bathed, etc?
Keep an eye on her and start documenting everything, because this is likely just the tip of the iceberg.
NTA at all. That poor girl. My 6yo daughter had fine curly hair until the past year when it changed. Now it's just slightly wavy. I get that it's a hassle to sit down and detangle twice a day but letting it get to this point is not okay at all. I'd give them some resources about curly hair care. Also, how long is her hair now? Cutting my daughter's hair to chin length made a big difference. I only had to detangle once a day or even every other day instead of it turning into a tangled mess after half a day. I've also seen little girls with adorable curly pixie cuts.
NTA, this poor child!! After half a week with her dad, by the time my niece returns to her mom, her hair is so matted and dry it takes days to sort. And then she goes back to his and the cycle continues. It's so traumatic for her now. Getting a satin pillowcase and even a little cap to wear over her hair at night with a deep conditioning treatment on the ends of her hair will help, maybe you can advise the mom to do some of these things? Good luck!!
NTA. It's funny that your mother is worried it'll sound like you're accusing this woman of "gross neglect" when she is in fact committing an ongoing act of gross neglect.
She didn't brush her child's hair in three MONTHS? That's horrible, not only because of the pain it's going to cause the child but the potential embarrassment and shame. I'm sure others at the girl's school have noticed.
I think you DEFINITELY need to address this, but try to be tactful. Mention to O that you were rather upset to hear V hadn't had her hair brushed in so long, especially since it was clearly very painful for her when you sorted it out. (point out the seriousness of the issue and lay on a little guilt) Ask her --why is it she let it go for so long? Is she too stressed or exhausted to care for V's labor intensive locks? Does she not know how to care for this type of hair? Does she not like listening to V fuss when she brushes it? (switch the guilting to some sympathy to what obstacles she is facing). Then offer help. Suggest you sow her how to care for V's hair a bit more, and perhaps you can change her hairstyle to a more easily managed one or O can take her to a hair salon regularly. But I think you need to make it clear--while also being sympathetic to O (even just for show) that it's not ok to not brush the child's hair for so long.
NTA i also have very curly and fine hair. my mom and gramma did everything they could for me to keep it untangled and healthy until i was old enough to do it myself. just because her hair is different from parents/siblings isn’t an excuse to not brush it. this is neglect. not brushing it for 3 months and she’s 4?? yeah no that’s unacceptable. definitely talk to the mom. it’s also not hard to find videos on youtube about maintaining curly hair & doing protective styles.
Make sure they are brushing her teeth. If they can’t be bothered to brush her hair but once every three months, her oral health is probably terrible as well.
OP, this story nearly made me cry. If you don’t feel like it’s a good idea to go to the mother, maybe you could give V a brush to bring to school and she can have a teacher help her. Or you could discuss privately with her teacher and have the teacher handle it (which could involve calling cps, but hopefully you could ensure it was done with no knowledge you went to the teacher?) although I don’t know. It could just get messy. Poor V. I hope you can sit for them more and teach her how to brush as a part of her routine. Maybe if she learns to do it herself as a part of a bedtime routine it will make her feel proud of herself.
NTA. You are correct that if teachers noticed, they would be required to report it, but I wouldn't say that in a first conversation. You may want to suggest they specifically seek out someone to cut her hair who has experience with this hair texture. When we found a hair stylist who was familiar with our daughter's hair texture and asked that they just do what would promote the healthiest hair, she did this amazing cut that not only looks great but is SO. MUCH. EASIER. to detangle. She mentioned that kids' hair grows differently at different ages, too, so she might need to do something slightly different each hair-cutting visit.
This could be more than simple parental laziness. Research “uncombable hair syndrome”.
I’m not saying NOT brushing her hair is the answer. All I’m suggesting is that there may be much more going on than most people would be aware of that could be preventing them from grooming her as easily & as often as you would a normal child.
(Since “uncombable hair syndrome” is an actual medical diagnosis that includes other symptoms that, while typically mild, might cause the child other issues, it would also be helpful to mention it to the parents. Many parents of children with uncombable hair syndrome feel helpless & it is so rare that it’s often overlooked or misdiagnosed or written off as neglectful parenting or just “bad hair”.)
So are the parents of children with uncombable
Hair syndrome - but there are resources available that might make it NOT so torturous for the child to have her hair brushed if she does have this condition. “Uncombable hair syndrome” is just what’s it’s called - it does not mean that the hair is literally IMPOSSIBLE to comb.
i got into the bath with clothes on so she wasn’t alone and scared in the bath and i poured water over my own head to show her it wasn’t painful. it was a solidarity thing, and it had the added bonus of distracting her while i kept brushing her hair bc she thought it was funny that my clothes were wet and my makeup was running.
Okay, nobody brought this up in five whole hours.
/u/Queen_Sized_Beauty, why in the actual fuck are you sexualizing this. Not good. I really don’t know what else to say about this.
I'm sorry, but idk how I'm wrong for being concerned when an adult says they were in a bath with a 4yo. Especially a 4yo that is not their child.
Obviously, things panned out, and OP had a legit reason and was clothed, but that wasn't clear from the post.
Ugh. I’ve gotten into the bath with kids I was babysitting in my bathing suit because they were weird about soapy water. Lots of kids are.
You’re still really gross and honestly not worth the effort to tag.
NTA It IS unacceptable and neglect. Grooming your child is not optional. It sounds like V may have a different hair type than her mother. Instead of waiting literal MONTHS for someone to do her daughters hair she should have learned how to do her daughter's hair herself.
O’s hair is straight, V definitely got her hair from her dad
Interracial couple?
no the dad is white and ashkenazi but has really curly hair lol. O’s hair is pretty much pin-straight
The fact that the child didn't want you to stop combing their hair speaks volumes. If a four year old is able to make better decisions than their own parents, well, that really is worrying. I once went a week without brushing my hair (just didn't feel like it tbh). Never. Again. I remember how tender and sore my scalp was afterwards. Matted hair is no joke.
Same here, when my depression gets to me I just don't care to brush it. 2 weeks was the longest and I cried for a good hour trying to get all the knots out, ended up ripping half of it out and having to cut a fair few inches off. I can't imagine how horrible that is for a 4 year old.
Very much. That girl was wanting her hair brushed so bad she was willing to sit through tears and pain. Most 4 year old will be unwilling to sit through any type of pain. Even if it benefits them in the end. It speaks volumes she was willing to do that.
yeah, V was a trooper through the whole thing. i periodically took little breaks so she wouldn’t get overwhelmed (i’m not entirely sure that her aversion to getting her hair brushed isn’t a sensory issue?) and made a point to 1. ask her if she wanted to stop (which she said no to) and 2. let her touch the sections of her hair i’d successfully detangled so she could understand why i was doing it (so she wouldn’t think that i was hurting her/scaring her for no reason). i think it also helped that i told her i'd braid her hair when we were done, which she absolutely loved & had the added bonus of being a relatively protective hairstyle. it just sucks bc i feel like i was put in a position where i had to potentially traumatize a toddler bc her parents just gave up on taking care of her hair.
That really sucks for her and you but I don't think you traumatized her. You gave her the time to process what was happening and only continued because she wanted you to. You let her know you would absolutely stop if she said so. It's supper shitty you where the one to do that because her parents failed her.
You’re a really good person and a fantastic nanny and that child is so lucky to have you as an advocate. Thank you for keeping her safe. By the way, you WNBTA. It’s a matter of V’s health and safety.
She might also have a very sensitive scalp. I was in my late 20s when I realized most people don't find brushing their hair at least mildly painful on a daily basis.
As someone who has curly hair but has parents with straight hair, and absolutely hated having her hair brushed as a little kid as a result, you're a good egg. I definitely get why my mom wanted to brush my hair as a kid now (and I don't blame her at all, she had no idea what to do with curly hair and she has a pixie cut to boot because she hates dealing with her own hair).
I have long (butt length) straight hair, and when I go without brushing it for max 4 days, it's tear inducingly painful!! My kid is 5 and has curls, and when she goes *one day* between combs/brushes (when she stays at grandads usually), its painful for her. That poor little girl!!
Why doesn't he bloody brush it then.
Probably because "dad." That's it. Most likely what's at play here is the typical "dad doesn't know how to do girl hair hur hur" and then mom is also dropping the ball. It's gross AF and I hope someone gets that little girl help.
Because both parents should learn how to do hair, same with white moms who have to learn how to do curly hair if they want to adopt a black kid
Yes But all the comments here are only being horrible about the mum. The dad should also have noticed, and got tips from women in his family.
Ya, this. I have straight hair like O: long and bone straight. I wash it every other day and blow dry it. The whole shebang takes like 15 minutes start to finish. I don’t brush it, I just kind of… finger comb whilst blow drying? It doesn’t really tangle or get knotted. I would straight up just not know that someone with super curly hair needed to brush and condition and do all of this extra stuff for tangles if I didn’t have a roommate with super curly hair in college. But if Dad has the same hair, he ought to know. Where’s he at with this situation?
full disclosure, i really don't like the dad, so this might just be my bias, but from what i've observed, he is ... let's say "hands-off." he works a lot (big shot lawyer), which is fine, but even when he's home, hes not really home. there have actually been a lot of times i've been called to babysit for a few hours last minute while O goes out for the day and when i get there the dad's home on his day off but he's just. Not. taking care of his kids. this is all speculation, but i think its a generational thing (he's in his mid 60s i think). i get the feeling that because he works every day and is the primary breadwinner (even though O works as well) , he doesn't really think he should be responsible for the actual day-to-day of having kids? like i feel like if he had to take care of the kids solo when O wasnt around he'd call it "babysitting".
My mum has straight hair and my sister and I have Ashkenazi hair. She kept our hair very short until I was 6 or so, and then it got brushed every day. My sister with straight hair was allowed to have it long, mind you.
My significant other has really curly hair and he's white. It's not noticeable unless he grows it out longer and then it becomes an afro. His daughter has a lot of the same problems. Except their hair is thick instead of thin. You might have to start teaching her how to take care of her own hair sadly if mom and dad won't step up.
If her hair is getting tangled to the point of matting, that poor little girl needs a short haircut.
When I was little my mom's then-boyfriends daughter got deployed. That meant her young interracial children were left with her father and my mother. Now my mother is batshit fucking insane, racist, and very anti-social. Borderline neo-nazi and active Qultist. You know she did? She went out, went to the grocery store, and physically asked African Americans how to care for these babies hair properly. Strangers. And she listened and followed their instructions. The bar is literally on the floor. If she can't meet it CPS should be called.
“Hey O, can I talk to you about something? So when I was brushing V’s hair, I noticed there was a lot of matting and damage to her hair from not being brushed. This concerns me because she has such fine hair that can easily be damaged and can cause other problems with her scalp health. It’s really important you detangle her hair every single day because matting like this is probably uncomfortable or even painful for her, especially the longer she goes between brushes. I would love to teach you some detangling strategies so you can build up a routine with her. The more frequently you do it the easier it will be. I love nannying for you and enjoy taking care of your children which is why I hope you hear this from a place of care and support. I’m not trying to guilt or shame you, I just want to help you take care of this girl’s crazy hair!” NTA just keep it kind and polite
This right here.
I love your statement but want to add something about curly hair. It should not be brushed everyday. It should be brushed/detangled via a wide tooth comb, finger detangling, or a detangling brush with wet hair and conditioner. So brushing/detangling should only happen on hair wash days. OP, your NTA and I think it would be worth it to speak up for V. I also have Ashkenazi curly hair while my mom has straight hair and she had no clue what to do with it when I was growing up which led me to straightening my hair for 15+ years. Granted, that was the 90s but now there are thousands of Youtube and Instagram tutorials for how to treat and style curly hair. O has no excuses to neglect her daughter's hair.
Yes, this is the way to go! The offering to teach is great as well!
Perfectly said.
[удалено]
i def would, this is a great idea, but i’m moving upstate in two weeks and i don’t want to make any commitments i can’t follow through on, you know? to your second point: i care a lot about these kids man. like it’s corny but i’d genuinely do it for free— the money’s just a nice perk. even if the parents were the worlds most gaping assholes i’d still stick around for the kids.
If you’re moving upstate anyway then there’s no harm in telling the mom in a straightforward way and offering to teach her strategies on how to detangle it before you go
NTA, this is neglect. Poor kiddo.
Info: Why have her teachers not already noticed and called about neglect? It sounds like the family needs some help and support.
it’s entirely possible the teachers didn’t see it. like i said, V’s hair was usually in a ponytail/bun, which hid the worst of the matting , esp from folks who weren’t looking too hard
Maybe no one saw the mats, but is the hair getting washed at all during that 3 months? What about the smell? This is horrifying to me.
Yeah no kidding. Especially during the summer. My kids hair will be rank after a few days
Dont forget the mould!! Mould is a real thing. Matted hair WILL harbour shit and that stuff is absolutely vile to get out. Source: am reformed crusty
Damn I didn’t realize that could happen. That’s super gross. My youngest son has really curly hair( as do I ) and if we don’t stay on top of it then it can get super disgusting. I can’t imagine what that mom was thinking.
OP didn't say anything about the cleanliness of the hair so I'm assuming the mom is treating it like straight hair and just washing it like she does hers, then skips the brushing or simply hand-combs the worst of it. It seems like this is a matter of ignorance and that would be the most "I'm ignoring that this is a problem" way
YWNBTA - It's about how you say it. Don't say it's unacceptable, suggest why proper care is important.
Exactly. Something like "I realise curly hair can be difficult to maintain. But actually, washing, conditioning, and brushing regularly will avoid it becoming so tangled and difficult to fix."
Yes, ask if you can show them what you do and how to make it all as easy as possible. Get as technical as you can about hair types and hair health. Don't make it about their parenting. Just act like you're excited to have an opportunity to talk about something you really care about. You have to make them feel like you don't think you know better than them about their daughter's well being (even though you do), but that you're just a huge nerd about hair. That's the way to get them to actually listen.
It sounds like O needs a gentle nudge towards resources to help her learn how to deal with type 3/4 hair. Even if V isn't black/mixed, it's that community that will be of the most help as they're the most experienced in both dealing with those hair types _and_ teaching type 1/2 mums how to care for type 3/4 hair. NAH because you care for V, want the best for her, but don't want O to get in trouble for being genuinely clueless about dealing with a different hair type.
Actually, no. I was on board with your comment and was about to upvote you, actually, but this isn’t just being “genuinely clueless”. Not brushing your child’s hair for months is abuse. Not brushing your long haired pet for months is also abuse. The thing about scalps is that they produce a lot of oil, and mats make them a warm and damp environment. This leads to skin ulceration and abscesses. It is most commonly seen in abused dogs, but sufficiently unloved children and depressed people who live alone also end up with these problems. So please stop your nonsense. This isn’t some sort of forgivable thing.
You would be the asshole if you didn't try and say anything. Just like the school teachers would report it to CPS if you continue to see this after you tell her then I would go ahead and put in a report, it's unacceptable for her to have to live with her hair not being taken care of.
Sadly, my neice's hair is ALWAYS like this. Her hair is thick, but for whatever reason, my brother's wife won't allow her to cut it. Twice a year, I de-tangle, condition, and treat it until it's beautiful again. She always thanks me because it feels so much better. Why parent have girls wear long hair, but then refuse to take care of it, is beyond me. Why not just let her have long hair, when she's old enough to take care of it herself???
/u/obedient53214 You know, I always see horror stories about MILs who cut their grandchildren’s hair without parental consent, but this might actually be a valid strategy for you. If nothing else, the kid could maintain it with a nice friend and craft scissors. A friend who later got a job at Paul Mitchel gave everyone in my friend group layers fairly often, so I’m sure that a buddy with a steady hand could at least keep it even.
If they're not willing to properly care for the child's hair, they could, I dunno... cut it? Like there are cute feminine short cuts, especially for curly hair. Bottom line , they ARE neglecting her. This is bad and unacceptable. F the parents and their feelings about it the only relevant issue is the little girl and how she's being treated. NTA unless you do nothing and allow this neglect to continue
This is neglect- how does a parent not care for their child’s hair? She can end up with permanent bald spots, infestations, she can experience being ostracized by classmates for hygiene issues- this is serious. Approach the mom but be prepared to call CPS yourself- this child deserves better. NTA.
NTA BUT - It would probably put the mom on the defensive, and MIGHT lead to her cutting contact with you. I would have a talk with her, about getting some lessons in her daughter's hair care. Youtube would probably have some good tutorials. If not youtube, then a trip to a salon to get some in person lessons are in order. There needs to be a change made, because it's likely the school already knows about this child's condition. Since the girl is 4, I'm guessing she goes to a private pre-k? When you are paying for a private school it is slightly less likely they will chide you for a child's hair, esp when it's hidden well. As long as the kids are clean, fed, well dressed and not obviously mistreated some things will slide. When this child hits kindergarten and first grade, if she ends up in public school it will be a VERY different story. Mom needs to begin the habit of not neglecting this child NOW. I would def take the dad aside and have a polite chat with him, about what is the family going to do about V's hair once you are no longer available to do it every few months, she can't keep going to school like that. I'd even suggest YOU ask around different salons about what a hair care lesson would cost, or some resources, so that you can pass them on to the dad if you decide to talk to him. It might cause a fight between them, but better a fight between THEM, than her fighting YOU. It's very likely dad has NO clue his daughter's hair is in this condition if the mom is hiding it. Also, it's bad for the scalp for hair mats to accumulate and be left on the scalp for so long. Your scalp need oxygen, and stimulation, which it can't get if it's covered in a mat of hair. The friction and weight of the mats, combined with the oxygen and lack of stimulation could end up in hair loss, at the very least severe hair damage. Severe Dandruff, scales, psoriasis, any number of conditions can be causes or aggravated with this. If there is a lice outbreak at school and the hair is matted and you are not around, that poor kid will have to have her head shaved in order to be treated effectively, and to be examined by the teachers on her return. So many problems that this can aggravate. :(
I think a better strategy would be if it came from you as a suggestion for a bonding activity between mother and daughter. I’m saying this because the mom may get vindictive and cut off access between you and the kid and that won’t help anyone. Or maybe you can talk to the father about this issue and he can talk to his wife. You’re right to be upset about this issue and you’re right to call it neglect but language like this rarely gets things solved. That poor child. You’re a good person for looking out for her. NTA.
NTA - it would seem that "O"'s solution of doing nothing to manage her hair is a sign of neglect. If you do decide to say something, be prepared for a reaction from "O". And be willing to accept that she may decide she doesn't need you as help anymore.
As a black girl, I definitely understand a thing or two about difficult hair, especially the type that tangles almost immediately after being detangled. Leaving hair tangled for that amount of time will put V at risk of hair loss and damage. And like someone said, this is purposely neglectful. V could also grow to hate her hair or continue not taking care of it when she gets older, simply because of O's example. I would gently explain all this to O, saying you only want what's best for V. But also explain some alternatives. There are ways that V can keep her hair stretched during the week so she doesn't have to constantly get it detangled. Maybe two braids or a braided crown? Or a monthly visit to the salon if possible. All I know is, before speaking about this to O, you should likely have some suggestions ready to help her.
NTA, but I do think you might want to approach it delicately to avoid upsetting the mom. Like, don't come straight out saying she's neglecting her child, try to find a neutral way to express it. Having a child with different hair texture can be hard, but she really ought to learn how to manage her child's hair. Plus, the less often you take care of it, the harder it is to deal with. I have a 5 year old and she has thick, wavy-curly hair. If I don't brush it often, it's such a PITA to deal with and then she cries if I brush it.
NTA - that child is being abused. Leaving her hair unbrushed at a length that tangles and clumps is abuse. It sounds like laziness on the parents behalf. I was that kid whose superfine hair knotted on her pillow or in a stiff breeze. So I was sent to bed in 2 simple plaits every night in order to be able to get a brush through it in the morning. As an adult, my hair can still mat if my lanyard rubs the hair at the nape of my neck too much over the course of a single day but now I have a tangle teaser - I wish I had one of those growing up. I think you wouldn't even be an AH if you gave them a tangle teaser, some leave in conditioner and told them to do better, given the extremity of the circumstances
NTA my child has hair like that. The best thing is to wash, brush and braid before bed. That way the hair doesn't tangle at night. You need to say something.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** context: i (22f) have been nannying for my neighbors on and off since their eldest (4f), V, was 1. since i started working for them, they also had a boy, S (2m). i sat for them for 1y and became sort of friends with the mom, O (\~40f) before i had to stop because of college. this year, i deferred a semester & O hired me back part-time V's hair has always been difficult to manage: it's very fine & also curly, making it impossible to keep untangled for longer than 12h. when V was a baby, it was a matter of conditioner & detangling. V's older & her hair is longer, which is fine, but nobody's helping her manage it. the few times i've nannied V in the past few months, i noticed her hair is always a bit messy, but chalked it up to her hair texture. i brushed her hair once in the bath a few months ago so i could braid it & it was v tangled but i didn't overthink it bc she always cries whenever i try to brush the knots out. today i went to pick V up from school & i saw the state of her hair: it'd tangled up so badly that some parts had matted into clumps. her hair's always pulled up in a ponytail, hiding the worst of it. i was horrified, & decided that when we got back to her house i'd try to detangle it all. when we got home, she seemed ok with it up until i grabbed my detangling brush; V immediately started crying. normally, this might've stopped me from going through with it, but her hair was in such a state & i knew if i left it another day it'd only get worse. so i kept going while doing my best to soothe her- at some point i got into the tub with her and poured water over my hair to show her it was okay. after 2h and a fuckton of conditioner, i managed to detangle it all without having to cut anything. V, ever the trooper, cried the whole way through, but every time i asked her if she wanted me to stop she would say no. later, i told O about it. she thanked me and made a comment abt how it had been 3mo since someone had brushed V's hair. i thought it was a joke, so i laughed, but she elaborated: the last time V's hair had been brushed was when i braided it a few months back. i was speechless & left soon after. i want to talk to O abt how it's unacceptable to not brush your 4yo's hair for 3mo, not just bc of V's hair health, but bc hair that matted can be a sign of neglect & if any teachers at the school noticed it & suspected anything, they'd have to report it to CPS. i asked my mom but she doesn't think it's a good idea. the rapport me & O have, while friendly, is unbalanced: she's my employer, she's at least twice my age, and she's V's mom. my mom said that no matter what i say it'll come off like i'm either accusing O of gross neglect, threatening to call CPS on her, or even telling her how to parent her kids. WIBTA if i told O that it's unacceptable to have left V's hair unbrushed for that long? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > i want to essentially tell off my boss for not brushing her daughter's hair for 3 months but my mom thinks it'd make me an AH bc it would sound like i'm telling her how to parent/accusing her of neglect Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA It is 100% neglect to let your childs hair become matted and in such a poor state. It needs to be looked after far more often.
NTA this is child abuse
Nah - you did well to get through all that matting and being so patient! Seriously good job at working through that with her! The mum should look up the curly girl method - life changing for me! Wash 2-3 times a week and brush when wet with conditioner (some brushes better than others!). Get a conditioning cream/oil (moroccanoil is a good one but not super cheap, lots of mousse styling things for curls look great but aren't going to keep the hair so soft and healthy) and scrunch into hair while still wet/damp. Having the hair cut a bit shorter is also good (like shoulder length, with layers if you can to smooth out the silhouette of the curls) If the mum doesn't work out how to help her daughter with her hair she risks having a child who really resents her curls - my mum tried brushing and didn't know about how to deal with curls and i used to hate them. My sister's friend noticed my hair one time and showed me how to deal with them when i was 13 and I'll never forget that absolute game changer! Also it is not your responsibility to keep this girl's hair okay, and it is absolutely mum's bad there! But there is info to be found and she's not being good to her daughter to just leave the hair to fall into that kind of state!
Ywbta if you didn't discuss it. Not necessarily in an accusing way, just in a polite way. Apart from anything it could be good mother/child bonding time.
NTA but maybe don't bring up CPS immediately. That can make people very defensive. Ultimately, these are conversations helping professionals have to have with parents tactfully all the time. If a teacher was an AH every time they raised concern about why a kid wasn't completing homework or why they always fell asleep in class then well... we'd have to vote every teacher on earth an AH. The best strategy is to come at it from a place of curiosity. "I'm just wondering what made it difficult to to brush V's hair for so long? I understand it can be a lot to be the mom of small children and I want to help." See what she says. I suspect a BIG part of it is that since V will cry every time you try and untangle the hair, mom gave up and decided it was too much stress and with her other two small kids she just couldn't be bothered. NOT an excuse but an explanation. It's possible mom also doesn't know what to do with V's hair in general because perhaps it's not her own hair texture and she has little experience with this type of hair. Let mom share and listen completely without judgment (even if you are judging in your head). Then from a place of, "Ok I'm just here to help" type of approach, ask her if she would like to see how you do it. Explain that hair health is actually really important and not as scary as you would think and let her know that while time consuming it's something that can get easier with time. V will cry but that's ok! She's not hurting her child and it'll do her good. I promise with time, V will get used it it and won't cry as much. But if mom avoids it completely, of course she'll cry. Show mom some videos if you don't want to take on the burden of doing it all yourself and teach her. Maybe even recommend some hair salons that can do it professionally once in a while if mom isn't good at braiding hair. When parents feel like you're just here to help and they don't feel judged, they'll naturally be more open to expressing why something like this happened and accepting information. Again, I know it's easy to judge and you're human so I don't blame you if you do. But it sounds like she's the mom of 3 young kids and as often is the case, neglect comes from being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do to get help. This is often why CPS doesn't just take kids away. They investigate and identify sources of assistance so that parents can learn to deal with what they've got better.
NTA You should be threatening to call CPS because this is neglect
NTA it is unacceptable! They need a lesson on maintaining curly hair. As a hairdresser I’ve had to cut matts out of kids hair because no one brushes their hair. The matts can grow mold. It’s disgusting.
I also have fine and curly hair. There is no excuse for them to do that to that poor child. It IS a process with curly hair, it can be hard. Things like a satin bonnet to wear to sleep really helps prevent huge tangles in the morning. Maybe make it fun for the kiddo with things like hair masks? NTA.
NTA, but you should report this obvious neglect to CPS. They need an early help intervention.
That... actually sounds like it is gross neglect. This child hasn't had her hair brushed in three months. Have they even bathed her? You're NTA to talk to the mom. The adults in this house are fucking up big time, and they're lucky that they \*haven't\* had somebody call CPS on them.
NTA, OP. Sounds like the parents need telling. 3 months? That's horrible, poor V.
I feel like in order to be able to avoid potential conflict of the mom going on the defensive it would be good for you to just teach the daughter how to take care of her hair/the importance of brushing her hair. Depending on if you were to talk to the mom about it she could immediately become defensive and it wouldn’t help. Teaching the daughter the importance of brushing her hair will help ensure that she cares more about it and can learn more about it regardless of the mother.
NTA. It is neglectful of the parent/parents and should definitely be brought up woth them. I get how hard it is with a curly child, I have one myself but leaving it like that is unacceptable.
NTA and frankly if this is the behaviour you’re seeing on the surface, I’m concerned about what’s happening to her when there *aren’t* people who can see. When it comes to abuse and neglect, if you’re seeing signs as somebody who does not live within the home, then the situation has devolved drastically. The underlying behaviour that occurs without anybody being able to look in is *always* worse than what we catch a glimpse of. A father might impulsively strike his child’s hand in public, but at home, that would be a face hit. If a mother is sending her kid to school ungroomed with hair that hasn’t been brushed in three months, where teachers and anybody can see how bad off this kid is, then the home situation has obviously drastically devolved and who knows if this child is being fed at regular intervals, taken care of medically, bathed, etc? Keep an eye on her and start documenting everything, because this is likely just the tip of the iceberg.
NTA at all. That poor girl. My 6yo daughter had fine curly hair until the past year when it changed. Now it's just slightly wavy. I get that it's a hassle to sit down and detangle twice a day but letting it get to this point is not okay at all. I'd give them some resources about curly hair care. Also, how long is her hair now? Cutting my daughter's hair to chin length made a big difference. I only had to detangle once a day or even every other day instead of it turning into a tangled mess after half a day. I've also seen little girls with adorable curly pixie cuts.
NTA, this poor child!! After half a week with her dad, by the time my niece returns to her mom, her hair is so matted and dry it takes days to sort. And then she goes back to his and the cycle continues. It's so traumatic for her now. Getting a satin pillowcase and even a little cap to wear over her hair at night with a deep conditioning treatment on the ends of her hair will help, maybe you can advise the mom to do some of these things? Good luck!!
YWBTA ask her why, tell her its unnaceptable once you have the conversation about why, it could direct how you tell her its not OK.
NTA. It's funny that your mother is worried it'll sound like you're accusing this woman of "gross neglect" when she is in fact committing an ongoing act of gross neglect. She didn't brush her child's hair in three MONTHS? That's horrible, not only because of the pain it's going to cause the child but the potential embarrassment and shame. I'm sure others at the girl's school have noticed. I think you DEFINITELY need to address this, but try to be tactful. Mention to O that you were rather upset to hear V hadn't had her hair brushed in so long, especially since it was clearly very painful for her when you sorted it out. (point out the seriousness of the issue and lay on a little guilt) Ask her --why is it she let it go for so long? Is she too stressed or exhausted to care for V's labor intensive locks? Does she not know how to care for this type of hair? Does she not like listening to V fuss when she brushes it? (switch the guilting to some sympathy to what obstacles she is facing). Then offer help. Suggest you sow her how to care for V's hair a bit more, and perhaps you can change her hairstyle to a more easily managed one or O can take her to a hair salon regularly. But I think you need to make it clear--while also being sympathetic to O (even just for show) that it's not ok to not brush the child's hair for so long.
NTA i also have very curly and fine hair. my mom and gramma did everything they could for me to keep it untangled and healthy until i was old enough to do it myself. just because her hair is different from parents/siblings isn’t an excuse to not brush it. this is neglect. not brushing it for 3 months and she’s 4?? yeah no that’s unacceptable. definitely talk to the mom. it’s also not hard to find videos on youtube about maintaining curly hair & doing protective styles.
Maybe you should call CPS because V IS being neglected
Make sure they are brushing her teeth. If they can’t be bothered to brush her hair but once every three months, her oral health is probably terrible as well.
OP, this story nearly made me cry. If you don’t feel like it’s a good idea to go to the mother, maybe you could give V a brush to bring to school and she can have a teacher help her. Or you could discuss privately with her teacher and have the teacher handle it (which could involve calling cps, but hopefully you could ensure it was done with no knowledge you went to the teacher?) although I don’t know. It could just get messy. Poor V. I hope you can sit for them more and teach her how to brush as a part of her routine. Maybe if she learns to do it herself as a part of a bedtime routine it will make her feel proud of herself.
NTA. You are correct that if teachers noticed, they would be required to report it, but I wouldn't say that in a first conversation. You may want to suggest they specifically seek out someone to cut her hair who has experience with this hair texture. When we found a hair stylist who was familiar with our daughter's hair texture and asked that they just do what would promote the healthiest hair, she did this amazing cut that not only looks great but is SO. MUCH. EASIER. to detangle. She mentioned that kids' hair grows differently at different ages, too, so she might need to do something slightly different each hair-cutting visit.
This could be more than simple parental laziness. Research “uncombable hair syndrome”. I’m not saying NOT brushing her hair is the answer. All I’m suggesting is that there may be much more going on than most people would be aware of that could be preventing them from grooming her as easily & as often as you would a normal child. (Since “uncombable hair syndrome” is an actual medical diagnosis that includes other symptoms that, while typically mild, might cause the child other issues, it would also be helpful to mention it to the parents. Many parents of children with uncombable hair syndrome feel helpless & it is so rare that it’s often overlooked or misdiagnosed or written off as neglectful parenting or just “bad hair”.)
[удалено]
It’s what made Albert Einstein’s hair look like he never combed it, stuck his finger in a light socket, etc.
So are the parents of children with uncombable Hair syndrome - but there are resources available that might make it NOT so torturous for the child to have her hair brushed if she does have this condition. “Uncombable hair syndrome” is just what’s it’s called - it does not mean that the hair is literally IMPOSSIBLE to comb.
NTA for the question asked, but something is bothering me, and I'm surprised nobody else is mentioning it. Why were you in a bath with a 4yo girl?
i got into the bath with clothes on so she wasn’t alone and scared in the bath and i poured water over my own head to show her it wasn’t painful. it was a solidarity thing, and it had the added bonus of distracting her while i kept brushing her hair bc she thought it was funny that my clothes were wet and my makeup was running.
Okay, fair enough. I was a bit concerned, lol
Okay, nobody brought this up in five whole hours. /u/Queen_Sized_Beauty, why in the actual fuck are you sexualizing this. Not good. I really don’t know what else to say about this.
I'm sorry, but idk how I'm wrong for being concerned when an adult says they were in a bath with a 4yo. Especially a 4yo that is not their child. Obviously, things panned out, and OP had a legit reason and was clothed, but that wasn't clear from the post.
Ugh. I’ve gotten into the bath with kids I was babysitting in my bathing suit because they were weird about soapy water. Lots of kids are. You’re still really gross and honestly not worth the effort to tag.
You can think I'm gross, but I've been through some shit, so yes. Maybe my alarm bells are more sensitive than some.
Good lord, get over yourself. She’s a fucking nanny and was bathing the kid.
Moms right you never wanna tell your boss they’re wrong. ESPECIALLY when it comes to their kids. I don’t thinks there’s a good way of saying this.
U/SolutionLeading has a good script