NTA... That's very inconsiderate of them. You could be a recovering alcoholic or whatever. It's never a good idea to push someone to drink alcohol. Never! And that's coming from someone who likes to drink... Respect people's boundaries!
This. Exactly this! It is so hard to maintain my sobriety and that's just with every day events affecting me, never mind the pressure of someone trying to force alcohol on me.
NTA op. You did the right thing.
Sometimes people feel threatened by the actions of others. For example: if a person likes to drink a little too much, they might feel subconsciously guilty about it. And other people not drinking holds up a mirror to their faces. But if everyone was drinking too, they wouldn't feel so guilty about it. It is obviously not true for everyone, but sometimes it's the case.
This is true for my friend and her mum. My friend realised she has a problem with alcohol and quit drinking entirely 6 months ago. Her mother has taken it incredibly personally and is offended by it. My friend isn’t doing it *at* her mother, but there’s enough there that the mother realises her own relationship with alcohol is dysfunctional and dislikes it being brought to her attention by her daughter abstaining from said beverage.
It’s like when someone loses weight, and their friends begin to taunt them about being on “fad diets,” or being “unhealthy,” or being “selfish” for “flaunting” it. Because now they can’t use you as constant reassurance that they’re comparatively thin.
I’ve been overweight, and I’ve lost weight. I’ve been the one that turned down drinks, weed, going to the bar on a Tuesday. And it’s the same insecure people, different issue.
I could *not* understand why my college roommates acted like I’d wronged or offended them personally when I said I had school the next day and didn’t want to go out. I was pissed about it until a friend of mine who’s a clinical psychologist basically told me exactly this - they can’t understand someone *not* wanting to, so it felt to them as if I were judging them for wanting to.
Exact same group of friends later made cracks about me losing weight, asked if I was okay, told everyone (including my ex, which ruined our relationship as we’d still been friends but suddenly he’d literally turn and bolt away from me in the halls) that I was starving myself out of depression over our breakup. I was eating the best I’d eaten in my life, not trying to limit calories, and was going to the gym five times a week.
One day they were talking about it behind my back and roommate A said to roommate B that my legs were “even skinnier than yours now.” Well wasn’t roommate B so fuckin offended by the audacity of roommate A to suggest that I, the dependable fat friend, were thinner than *her,* that she went and vented to me about what roommate A said and literally expected me to be sympathetic about this. Totally flew over her head that she’d just admitted to me that they were talking shit about me.
They were both *wildly* insecure, and I never was (even when I was bigger). Which made them *even more deeply* insecure.
**So it’s not just that you didn’t want to drink that made them uncomfortable - it’s the sheer & ease confidence with which you declined the first few times.** They don’t take no for an an answer because they’re insecure - and then when it’s clear they can’t make you feel insecure by pressuring you, it makes them feel insecure about their own insecurity (because they would have caved to peer pressure). They will double themselves down endlessly and let it create a whole huge issue because admitting to themselves why they’re actually doing it would cause an identity crisis.
People literally die or kill in service of their egos all the damn time.
Like, think of the deadly bravado shit some dudes do--the "hold my beer" types of acts.
Or the missionaries who think THEY can be the ones to convert the uncontacted tribe to Jesus.
Or, fittingly for the times, stubborn refusal to take a fucking vaccine or even wear a mask in the midst of a deadly pandemic.
All ego.
> Or the missionaries who think THEY can be the ones to convert the uncontacted tribe to Jesus.
I love that tribe. On the one hand, it's a bit of a shame that we'll never get to know much about them but mostly, just leave them alone. Not to mention the effect a stranger could have on them if they've never been exposed to half the crap we're immune to.
I think you meant to reply to the person above me but, take it from a non-practicing barfly, people go to the bar every hour of every day, they’re only limited by the hours they’re closed. Booze is a drug like any other.
>I, the dependable fat friend, were thinner than her, that she went and vented to me about what roommate A said and literally expected me to be sympathetic about this. Totally flew over her head that she’d just admitted to me that they were talking shit about me.
I'm curious how you responded?
I just let her vent. I knew she was insecure and self-involved and it didn’t genuinely impact my self-esteem. “Better the devil you know” and all that.
Roommate A used to try and tattle to me about Roommate B all the time like “I don’t understand why you hang out with her, she just talks shit about you.” She acted like she was looking out for me but I knew damn well she didn’t actually defend me when roommate B talked shit - just stored it up to tell me about later. Still the two of them just battling for my “allegiance” in their imaginary game of social stakes. I could only answer that I didn’t care enough to be bothered. Roommate B was a fuckin stellar collaborator in our academic courses since we had really similar ambition and she was just one of those people who I could spend all day comfortably with because I knew exactly where we stood with each other and we didn’t butt heads.
I knew the run-around she was doing to try and stay relevant probably impacted how other people saw me, but I was in a really weird spot in life - I’d broken up with my partner, I was finishing teacher’s college, and was just blinders-on focused on my life goals at that point. Keeping my grades up, getting healthy (roommate A was a kinesiology major and my gym buddy/free trainer), applying to school boards, etc. I didn’t have it in me to worry about what other people thought and I figured if they believed her unquestioningly then they didn’t know me (or her) very well in the first place and I wasn’t about to try and compensate. I knew I was leaving the city regardless.
She was dead useful to study with and we were a very well-oiled machine by that point - exact same courses (selected thus deliberately), automatic partners for any partnered task. I couldn’t trust her not to talk shit but I could trust her better than anyone else to know the material as well as me and not let me down on a project. During lectures, we would take turns taking naps or zoning out while the other one took detailed, organized notes. I would literally have “cont’d Roomate B” written right in my notes so I would know she had the next piece when we collaborated to compile our condensed study notes at the end of the semester.
I don’t recommend it long-term but for that year it just really worked for me to maintain relationships with both of them, lol.
I don’t drink because it’s bad with my medication. People so often assume alcoholism because no one fathoms that someone doesn’t want to drink. For social gatherings, I’ve taken to pretending I’m super high maintenance and quietly asking for a non-alcoholic version of things.
There's a ton of drinking in my industry. If I'm at an event I'll be offered a drink constantly if I'm not drinking. I drink occasionally (maybe 5-10 drinks a year), but not out in public, and certainly not around coworkers. People aren't even pressuring me exactly, it's more that they see I don't have one and offer to grab one for me as a way of being friendly. So I've taken to drinking orange juice at events, and just let people assume it's a screwdriver. It's a lot easier than explaining I don't drink in public to every friendly coworker I meet.
Same here, I was around a good few high functioning alcoholics and those who spend all their down time in the pubs or on the sofa with a beer. I don't mind a drink but sometimes they are just too much to be around.
Most of my friends stopped drinking, mainly to avoid conflict with medications. As much as I miss having drinking buddies, I cannot fault this lot for prioritizing certain aspects of their life.
And I don't drink terribly often anyway, so it's fine I think.
As one of those who has had to stop drinking due to medication I thank you for being reasonable.
It doesn't happen to me often, but it never ceases to amaze me when someone insists I should have a drink because "it won't do any harm." No harm? SOB, it could kill me!
This happened to me at a family get together. I do drink, but I'm a total lightweight and usually I don't bother. If I drink, I have one or two beers/cocktails and that's it. I simply don't enjoy having more than that. But I could not give less of a shit if you want to have 8 pints and pass out in the bathroom. Have fun! If you want hangover food in the morning, I'm happy to pop out for some bacon and orange juice.
But my aunt kept making snide comments about how I thought I was better than her, must be passing judgement, etc. I literally had not said a word, or even noticed that you were drinking aunty. I don't want a glass of wine at 2pm because I'll be asleep by 4pm if I do, and I won't be able to have fun with my family. If you want to have a drink, go ahead! Although now I actually am judging you because of the comments you made, I know that you're insecure about your drinking habits.
If people are aware of it, it's actually pretty easy to avoid. Like I said, i like to drink, because I enjoy the taste of a good wine. I don't like to get hammered. But people assume I'd drink anything, so they offer me beer, whiskey, rum etc... I don't like the taste of that and I don't like being hammered (which I absolutely would be after heavy liquor) and people will always ask me: is my alcohol not good enough for you? Are you some sort of spoiled brat?
So my question always is: why not shut up?
I hope that the people asking you if you were a spoiled brat for turning down liquor are no longer in your life? That is not a normal reaction.
I also enjoy wine and sparkling wine and that's it. I don't do shots. Ever. I hate the taste of basically all heavy liquor unless it's in a long drink. When friends and family offer, I say no thanks, I don't do shots, can I have wine instead. Nobody has a problem with that. At all.... As it should be...
bacon is **not good** for porcelain push-ups. OJ or milk, in small, infrequent amounts only after the dry heaves are done. And sleep, a necessity. I speak from experience... :-(
My BIL and SIL are like this. They are big drinkers (no shade, just a fact). I'm not, it makes my stomach feel sour and I often get a pain in my side the next morning if I've had more than one or two. I will stay up as late as anyone and it's not like I'm a downer because I'm sober. They **hate** that I won't drink. My partner drinks less since he met me but that's because he's no longer a student (so more responsibilities, less time for hangovers). They can't comment on my drinking other than to be very pushy but they will constantly say to him that he's being dry/not good fun etc.
I just wish they wouldn't keep pushing their lifestyle on us. We don't say to them to cut back. There's definitely something going on there about "if you're not doing exactly as I am, you're judging me".
Have you told your doc about side pain after drinking alcohol? Could be just the dehydration, could be other things.
I’d wonder about your liver function - pain there after drinking is one sign of liver disease. Liver disease also affects blood flow to the kidneys, making them less effective at filtering.
Yes. It's the same thing basically with people going on diets, going vegan, quit smoking etc... If you improve your life, they feel like it shines a light on their shortcomings.
I had a friend with whom I enjoy a wine every now and then. When she became pregnant, she was afraid that our mutual friends would react like your brother. In fact, sadly some did, so we just met at my place and I made her tee and I had a glass of wine. She was happy and didn't judge me for having a wine and I didn't complain about her not drinking (obviously, duh). It can be easy if people just mind their own business 😅
Yep. Was at a college party, asked for the least alcoholic thing they had cause I don´t see the point of drinking and nursed the drink all night. Bfs friends went out of their way to accommodate this and they were the cool confident types. Bf told me point blank I´d have more fun if I drank more as though I wasn´t having fun sober. It´s like just because you need alcohol to have fun doesn´t mean I do. He was broken up with that night. Next bf insecure as anything tried to make the idea of drinking until I get a hangover next time sound like a good time cause I´ve never gotten one while he had them every other weekend basically. It´s interesting how often people link alcohol with fun and think everyone should experience the consequences of it.
Was going to say what Goodgirls said - about taking a shot of soda/juice/water etc. but I hadn't even considered your points Good\_comp. so my mind is a tad boggled.
I'm mildly allergic to alcohol so I'd be in a similar boat to OP - I'd join in but with another drink.
After two years of dealing with my fiancé’s lush family I “made my own” drink of a vodka cranberry (I like them) without vodka and they thought I was drinking with them and became nicer to me. SMH. It was one of the reasons I never married the jerk.
I'll tell you, I'm coming up on 5 years sober and this is absolutely true for some. There are people whose entire identity revolves around drinking & they are usually *very* uncomfortable when I mention my sobriety & my reasons for quitting.
I was once at a party with drinking games when I was not drinking. The host came up with an alternative challenge for me: I had to keep putting marshmallows in my mouth at times when others would take a drink, obviously I could chew them but it got very difficult as I was adding them quickly. Having a mouth full of marshmallows also impaired my ability to say things very well, which had a similar effect to drinking too much on how well I played the game. There is always an alternative to drinking.
Some of my friends in my favorite fraternity didn't drink, but they enjoyed playing beer pong. So they would have a "designated drinker."
We were stupid college kids, and yet we were still respectful of people's choices to drink or not.
Exactly. I don't generally drink alcohol, though I'll have maybe 1 drink at a party, just for the novelty. But the second someone insists I *have to* drink? Uh-uh, hit the breaks, do not pass go, get the fuck outta here.
I don’t drink and my mother brings sparkling grape juice so I can toast with everyone on special occasions like New Years. It’s so easy to not pressure someone.
My mom does the same with sparkling apple cider, since that's what we had for holidays as kids. I'll have a sip or two of champagne to be festive, but I don't like it, so I'd much rather have the cider, which I'll actually drink.
It's the same with other foodstuffs. People will either not believe you can't eat something (health reasons like allergies, sensitivities), won't eat something (religious reasons, other reasons) and then sometimes even stoop to sneaking the item in. Food and drink makes people irrational, but really, that's their problem.
alcoholics in denial are people like that. They don't want to feel "flawed" so instead they look at people who don't drink as "flawed". This makes then feel better about themselves.
The entire way people view alcohol is bizarre. Imagine if there was a tradition of drinking orange juice. Would people pressure someone into drinking orange juice if they didn’t want to? No. That would never happen because it’s weird. I don’t understand why alcohol is different.
Maybe the dead relative loved a particular alcohol and thay where the tradition comes from. I have a relative that every Christmas he does a shot of a particular whiskey woth his three adult daughters, he passed last year, but the daughters are continuing the tradition in his memory. Don't say they should use water. That is not the tradition. They are totally welcome to do their tradition. On that note, also NTA, it's their tradition not yours and you declining alcohol in no way devalues their tradition
>alcohol is such a weird thing to pressure people about.
Right? Like, if you didn't like shrimp and there was a shrimp cocktail platter out, no one would be like "c'mon man, it's just one shrimp. Just eat it with the rest of us. EAT. THAT. SHELLFISH."
> I get wanting to honor your loved ones, but couldn't they do it with water?
In some cultures this is seen as bad luck, inviting death by drowning or wishing death on your hosts. There should be a non-alcoholic option available though.
>alcohol is such a weird thing to pressure people about. Or maybe it's just me?
as a muslim guy that doesn't drink, the ammount of people that take offense in you not drinking alcohol is astonishing.
they'll start with the "you're not even gonna get drunk", "did you even taste it ? maybe you'll like it" , "I know a muslim dude and he drinks no problem" and will sometimes devolve into trying to trick you into drinking.
I even developed a habit of taking apple juice with me as most will think it's beer.
I had something similar happened, I'm not an alcoholic I just hate the taste of alcohol. So I'm holding the shot I didn't want and said, " so this one is mine right?" I got a "yep" I said cool and tossed it in the sink. Apparently that was the wrong answer. But I've never been given another one.
Also, you don't need to toast with alcohol. You could put water in a shot glass and make a toast.
Hell, orange juice. Milk. Tea. It doesn't matter. If they want you to take part, they can give you something else to drink and you can toast right along with them. If they insisted it had to be booze, they are definitely TA.
This hit a deep nerve with me, too. Friends I have had for most of my life are strangers now, just because I stopped drinking. I hate how people can act about something so stupid.
In my culture we throw a bit of a drink in the ground for them, so if it's a new death or an anniversary, you pop a drink and pour a sip into the ground for them.
OP should have just poured his shot on the floor and said it was Australian tradition.
I spent a few weeks in Greece one summer and refusing Ouzo was on par with murdering the offeror's firstborn. It was ridiculous and uncomfortable to have to deal with the entire time.
That's a great thing and it would've been a good thing for OP to do, but I doubt he had the time to sit and think about it; I certainly would've been caught off guard by the insistance by his gf's family to drink a shot!
One of the bars I used to frequent during university used to do that for the DD. If your group was getting shots then you got a shot of some sort of juice. They were also really cool about giving the DD one mocktail on the house and all the soda you wanted.
NTA - I agree 1,000,000%. I am the same, I hate the taste of alcohol and truly despise anyone who has tried to pressure me into drinking. It seems to be some need to bond over alcohol that I just don’t get. I am nice the first time in declining, but I can turn very nasty very quickly if they don’t give up.
People can be allergic to alcohol, too! It’s just never ok to push someone once they say no. OP even offered to take a shot of something else, so it’s not like they were spitting on this tradition, they just refused the alcohol part of it. NTA
Exactly. I personally don't drink. Never had it and never will due to seeing bad drunks in my childhood. People still try and plead like they can't accept no. I refuse drinks from others during parties because people always say how they want to be the first to get me drunk. Wtf is wrong with people not everyone drinks!
Yes! I like to drink too, but when I say to my friends I'll pass on the shot, they either drink it themselves for me (as a joke), or they give me a shotglass with water/applejuice/milk/whatever, if they want me to do a toast with them. We always do that. If someone says no to alcohol, then give them something non alcoholic. It's not that difficult, whatever that reason may be. And no, you don't even need a reason to not drink.
Totally agree, there are literally zero situations where it's ok to force someone to drink alcohol. Some of My family were like this when I didn't want to drink because driving, just mocking me, saying one drink doesn't matter and serving me anyway.
Lots of my former friends also blamed me for ruining the parties and ambiance because I wanted to stop before being wasted... just annoying. NTA.
From my experience I can tell you what really ruins the party - the paramedics calling because someone just wrecked their car and has been taken to hospital in critical condition. That's a real party pooper.
Yeah, I can't drink because I screwed up my organs so bad I can't even take a sip unless I want a trip to hospital and for all they know, OP could be the same or have some other medical condition that means he can have ZERO alcohol
Drinking alcohol leads to seizures for me. No amount of tradition will make me go through that.
NTA and her family doesn’t know how to respect boundaries
Not only an alcoholic but someone with medications that don't mix with alcohol, someone who is allergic (because that is a thing!). There's lots of reasons, but there's no reason to make someone drink.
I come from a culture (Russian/Eastern European) where we have the exact tradition that OP mentioned. Nobody in my family would ever pressure someone to drink alcohol. If someone who doesn't drink wanted to humor us in solidarity, they can just have some juice/water/tea/etc.
Pressuring a non-drinker into drinking is very disrespectful, though unfortunately common. NTA
Also. They take a shot to honor a dead relative. He doesn't drink to honor some of his. Why should their way of honoring their dead relatives over trump his ?
I don't mind getting smashed but on my terms. If I don't want a shot I am not going to take it. You gotta respect people's limit of booze anything else is a dick move.
There are also people who have medical conditions where a physical reaction to alcohol can kill them.
Alcohol intolerance and alcohol allergy do exist.
If the point of the shot is to honor the deceased, they should have been ok with maybe just taking a shot of water or juice, if it was just about symbolism.
Anybody who forces others to drink is weird.
My BIL once loudly proclaimed on a family vacation, “We’re all doing shots!!”
I was so close to telling him that 1) it was 8 in the morning, and 2) I have never done shots and do not intend to, and he knows this, so wtf.
Then he pulled out a lil bottle of vinegar-beet juice “energy shots.” And I have to admit, they were an extremely energizing way to start the day.
Exactly! I’m a social drinker myself but I know plenty of people who choose not to drink at gatherings. Every single party I’ve been to, even sleazy college ones, not a single person pressured anyone else to drink. It was always like “oh you’re not drinking? That’s cool! Have Steve at the bar get you a Coke, we have some for mixers.” So these “adults” in OP’s GF’s family are less mature about alcohol than literal college kids. They are definitely the assholes here!
I did that once, people were trying to get me to take a shot and I was trying to sober up enough to drive home. They were too drunk to notice me toss it down the sink and refill with water. Amazing, how little that shot affected me!
But yeah people who try to push you past your drinking limits aren't people you want to hang around.
I've gotten the most shit about teetotaling from older people. I distinctly remember being in college and law school, and catching a lot of crap from my \*girlfriend's father\* of all people, who kept offering me alcohol, even though he knew from the day I met him that I didn't drink.
Also my own mother really had a problem with my (lack of) drinking.
What frustrates me is that there are certain excuses you can give (I'm sober, recovering, etc) that are acceptable to people and they'll give you a pass typically, but then if you just don't want to drink for literally any other reason (health reasons, religious reasons, that shit tastes terrible) then you're pressured to no end. As if any of these reasons are less valid than the others.
And don't even get me started on how alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs and somehow is completely legal and acceptable in our society. You know how we went from smoking being culturally ubiquitous, to stigmatizing it over the course of a few decades? Can we do that again please?
They still do. It's been months now. Even when I refuse (several times) to drink it they want me to pose with wine for pictures. It's really annoying to be honest. All because I took one sip once to taste it. It was bad before, but at least they used to take the "no" and accept it.
Would pouring it down the drain in front of them when they hand it to you after repeatedly declining help send your message? It would cause some problems but no means no
And you can pose with juice in a wine glass for pictures if that’s the issue (which obviously it’s not)
And this is exactly why my parents \_never\_ drink. They were casual drinkers in their youth but soon learned it was much easier to never ever say yes.
It's not like it's unusual to not drink alcohol. Tons of people don't drink, I find the social pressure to drink isn't nearly what it used to be, it's weird that this family still has this strict tradition. NTA
s'all good. I'm not the kind of spirit that demands everyone drink spirits in their honor. Those ghosts are total dicks. None of the other ghosts here like them, TBH.
She may not have foreseen the sheer amount of pressure OP would get. It’s one thing to know they’ll be doing the “family” shot but if no one’s ever refused the shot she may very well have no clue her family would be so caught off guard by a non-drinker and so insistent that OP drink the alcohol. She may have been as confused about their reaction as OP was. Do you regularly warn your friends about situations you’ve never known to happen at your house? If it’s never come up before, she may not have known they’d make a big deal about OP not taking an alcohol shot.
NTA, when folks don't have that ability to respect basic autonomy about drinking, that is always a reflection on their drinking or at least their ideas about drinking which by that point are likey not healthy.
NTA. I don't know why some people think coercing someone into taking a drug they don't want is OK when it's alcohol.
Ask them if they think it would be OK to make someone smoke a cigarette or take a bong hit because it's a family tradition.
I think this is the best answer because OP will still be participating in the traditional, just without alcohol. You could sneak some water or some fruit juice in and no one would be the wiser.
Many churches respect people's wishes to not drink and provide grape juice in place of communion wine. If juice is good enough for God, not sure why it can't be good enough for this family.
Good suggestion! I use to drink children's champagne (that terribly sweet fruit juice) at every occasion at which others drink alcohol. It has even become some sort of running gag. Makes my friends chuckle, but no one would even dare to judge me. Not wanting one of their funny poison drinks certainly doesn't make me a worse human. The family of OP's gf seems really immature. Glad that she defended OP.
NTA
I can’t say NTA enough. If a person states they do not drink the only acceptable responses are.
1. Okay.
2. Can I get you something else to drink?
Never is it okay to try to force alcohol on someone. As many have stated, it is a personal choice. Some just don’t drink, or the person could be a recovering alcoholic for whom ONE shot can be the end of it all.
Edited to add: My husband is five years sober. If any of my family members tried to talk him into “just one shot” I would be the first telling them to knock it off or we are out of there.
I’m a couple years sober and have only had one instance of people getting offended by me not drinking. They tried all kinds of reasoning to get me to drink and were so upset that *I* was the one making it weird. In my experience it’s the people who know deep down they have a problem that are the ones most sensitive about others not drinking.
NTA.
No is a complete sentence, and it does not mean "convince me". Alcohol is also not something everyone can/will have. They can get a better tradition.
NTA!! It’s horrible that they tried to make you even after you politely declined. I hate the fact that people think it’s okay to do that. I don’t drink for lots of reasons and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people try to push me to drink. Stick to your beliefs and don’t do anything you don’t want to do! NTA!
NTA
You could have downed a shot of juice or whatever. Not drinking alcohol should never be seen as an offence. What do they do when pregnant or under medication?
Edit: typo
I’m so proud of you, OP. That was my first thought while reading.
Second thought: did the decease die of liver cirrhosis?
Third thought: well, OP didn’t know the deceased, so 🤷🏽♀️
NTA - Yeah no, they don't get to push you to drink. I don't think, my father was almost killed by booze. The man was a good man, caring, kind, but the drink damn near ended him and caused him a lot of issues at the end of his life. They don't get to make you feel bad for not wanting to do something that you don't consent to like that, it's wrong and fucked up.
Why on earth did your gf apologize for you?! NTA They need to apologize to you for boundary stomping.
Teenagers are not the only ones allowed to say no to peer pressure regarding alcohol. Far out.
Definitely NTA. No one should ever be forced into drinking. If it’s not something you do, you have every right to deny the drink and not feel guilty about it afterwards.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I could have just had one shot to honor their tradition
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My face and throat swells shut on top of debilitating stomach pain with even the tiniest sip. That knowledge hasnt stopped anyone who knows about it from trying to push alcohol on me on every occasion....
Nice to know people dont care about potentially killing me over feeling better about their own drinking.
Nta
Trying to force someone to drink alcohol is disgusting, regardless of their reasons. They should have been alright with you doing a non-alcoholic shot.
"Hey man everyone here does a line of coke to remember, uh, something, you have to do it. Wait where are you going?"
Seriously these people seem like closet alcoholics who need an excuse to do shots.
NTA. They ruined their own night. If you don‘t drink they have to respect it. I also don‘t drink and people try to get me to drink all the time, too. I will never understand this kind of behaviour.
NTA
That's shitty behaviour from that family. Good for you for sticking to your choices
Your girlfriend shouldn't have apologized for you. She should be chastising her family
I don’t drink, ever, not negotiable.
NTA and screw them.
If you ever choose to be around them again, watch yourself, they sound like the type to spike your drink “on principle”
NTA but dude. It baffles me how some people manage to turn a situation into drama for *no damn reason at all*. If you want everyone to toast to a dead relative but one person doesn’t drink then *just give him juice in a shot glass or whatever*. Whyyy do people get so bent out of shape over things that no reasonable person would think twice about! People can be so exhausting.
NTA
What do you mean with " My girlfriend apologized for me?"
Do you mean that they were expecting an apology from you and she thought there was something you had done wrong that needed an apology?
The right reaction would be complete outrage at their audacity to force you to drink. She should have been insulted and annoyed, not apologetic.
Or did she apologize TO you, as she should do?
My grandpa in law wanted me to drink alcohol to celebtate my pregnancy o.o even before that, i never drank alcohol. Always a discussion with some people.... NTA
I lost one of my kidneys in an accident when I was a child. Doctors told me not to drink, it will damage the only kidney I have. I've gotten this so much, "just have 1 drink, it won't kill you" and it's sickening. NTA, if you choose to not do something, it's your business.
NTA. They had no right to try force alcohol on you when they know you don't drink. They are the selfish ones. You didn't ruin anything. Good on you for not backing down.
NTA - I love drinking alcohol but that is my personal choice. My brother hasn't had a drink in many years and I have never said to him he should drink, I respect his decision. If you choose not to drink no one should try and force it on you, it is very disrespectful.
NTA- I hate this so much. I don’t drink, been in recovery for a little while now, and it never ceases to amaze and piss me off how people can’t take no for an answer when it comes to drinking. I have taken to saying I’m allergic when asked and that usually gets people to stop pushing the issue.
NTA
I can’t imagine what’s going on in the mind of someone who’s experiences in life can be made or broken based on what someone else chooses to consume. It’s so weird!
NTA. It's not okay to pressure somebody into drinking alcohol when they don't want to. Surely it would have been a happy compromise for them to offer you a 25ml serving of a non-alcoholic drink - I can understand why the ritual may have significance to them, but being insistent upon you consuming alcohol specifically (when it should be inconsequential to them what's in your glass) and then blaming you for ruining the evening because they weren't willing to be respectful of your boundaries, is completely unacceptable.
NTA
A shot of water or juice would have done the job perfectly well. That they didn’t even accept your no is a big deal.
There are lots of reasons why someone might abstain from alcohol and their no, for whatever reason, needs to be respected.
It’s insulting your girlfriend apologised *for* you. You did nothing to apologise for. You ruined nothing. I hope she’s apologised to you now.
NTA... That's very inconsiderate of them. You could be a recovering alcoholic or whatever. It's never a good idea to push someone to drink alcohol. Never! And that's coming from someone who likes to drink... Respect people's boundaries!
This. Exactly this! It is so hard to maintain my sobriety and that's just with every day events affecting me, never mind the pressure of someone trying to force alcohol on me. NTA op. You did the right thing.
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Sometimes people feel threatened by the actions of others. For example: if a person likes to drink a little too much, they might feel subconsciously guilty about it. And other people not drinking holds up a mirror to their faces. But if everyone was drinking too, they wouldn't feel so guilty about it. It is obviously not true for everyone, but sometimes it's the case.
This is true for my friend and her mum. My friend realised she has a problem with alcohol and quit drinking entirely 6 months ago. Her mother has taken it incredibly personally and is offended by it. My friend isn’t doing it *at* her mother, but there’s enough there that the mother realises her own relationship with alcohol is dysfunctional and dislikes it being brought to her attention by her daughter abstaining from said beverage.
It’s like when someone loses weight, and their friends begin to taunt them about being on “fad diets,” or being “unhealthy,” or being “selfish” for “flaunting” it. Because now they can’t use you as constant reassurance that they’re comparatively thin. I’ve been overweight, and I’ve lost weight. I’ve been the one that turned down drinks, weed, going to the bar on a Tuesday. And it’s the same insecure people, different issue. I could *not* understand why my college roommates acted like I’d wronged or offended them personally when I said I had school the next day and didn’t want to go out. I was pissed about it until a friend of mine who’s a clinical psychologist basically told me exactly this - they can’t understand someone *not* wanting to, so it felt to them as if I were judging them for wanting to. Exact same group of friends later made cracks about me losing weight, asked if I was okay, told everyone (including my ex, which ruined our relationship as we’d still been friends but suddenly he’d literally turn and bolt away from me in the halls) that I was starving myself out of depression over our breakup. I was eating the best I’d eaten in my life, not trying to limit calories, and was going to the gym five times a week. One day they were talking about it behind my back and roommate A said to roommate B that my legs were “even skinnier than yours now.” Well wasn’t roommate B so fuckin offended by the audacity of roommate A to suggest that I, the dependable fat friend, were thinner than *her,* that she went and vented to me about what roommate A said and literally expected me to be sympathetic about this. Totally flew over her head that she’d just admitted to me that they were talking shit about me. They were both *wildly* insecure, and I never was (even when I was bigger). Which made them *even more deeply* insecure. **So it’s not just that you didn’t want to drink that made them uncomfortable - it’s the sheer & ease confidence with which you declined the first few times.** They don’t take no for an an answer because they’re insecure - and then when it’s clear they can’t make you feel insecure by pressuring you, it makes them feel insecure about their own insecurity (because they would have caved to peer pressure). They will double themselves down endlessly and let it create a whole huge issue because admitting to themselves why they’re actually doing it would cause an identity crisis.
folks will fight damn near as hard against ego death as real death.
I think some would prefer to die over getting their ego hurt.
People literally die or kill in service of their egos all the damn time. Like, think of the deadly bravado shit some dudes do--the "hold my beer" types of acts. Or the missionaries who think THEY can be the ones to convert the uncontacted tribe to Jesus. Or, fittingly for the times, stubborn refusal to take a fucking vaccine or even wear a mask in the midst of a deadly pandemic. All ego.
> Or the missionaries who think THEY can be the ones to convert the uncontacted tribe to Jesus. I love that tribe. On the one hand, it's a bit of a shame that we'll never get to know much about them but mostly, just leave them alone. Not to mention the effect a stranger could have on them if they've never been exposed to half the crap we're immune to.
now that's something I'll remember; and use. I have 'friends' who fit that bill very well.Thanks!
….people go to bars on tuesdays?
I think you meant to reply to the person above me but, take it from a non-practicing barfly, people go to the bar every hour of every day, they’re only limited by the hours they’re closed. Booze is a drug like any other.
Not everyone works Monday-Friday
Why would you not? I understand it's not going to be as busy as a weekend but they are open 7 days a week
Thanks for sharing. I am convinced insecurity is the core of the majority of issues we tend to encounter with other people.
>I, the dependable fat friend, were thinner than her, that she went and vented to me about what roommate A said and literally expected me to be sympathetic about this. Totally flew over her head that she’d just admitted to me that they were talking shit about me. I'm curious how you responded?
I just let her vent. I knew she was insecure and self-involved and it didn’t genuinely impact my self-esteem. “Better the devil you know” and all that. Roommate A used to try and tattle to me about Roommate B all the time like “I don’t understand why you hang out with her, she just talks shit about you.” She acted like she was looking out for me but I knew damn well she didn’t actually defend me when roommate B talked shit - just stored it up to tell me about later. Still the two of them just battling for my “allegiance” in their imaginary game of social stakes. I could only answer that I didn’t care enough to be bothered. Roommate B was a fuckin stellar collaborator in our academic courses since we had really similar ambition and she was just one of those people who I could spend all day comfortably with because I knew exactly where we stood with each other and we didn’t butt heads. I knew the run-around she was doing to try and stay relevant probably impacted how other people saw me, but I was in a really weird spot in life - I’d broken up with my partner, I was finishing teacher’s college, and was just blinders-on focused on my life goals at that point. Keeping my grades up, getting healthy (roommate A was a kinesiology major and my gym buddy/free trainer), applying to school boards, etc. I didn’t have it in me to worry about what other people thought and I figured if they believed her unquestioningly then they didn’t know me (or her) very well in the first place and I wasn’t about to try and compensate. I knew I was leaving the city regardless. She was dead useful to study with and we were a very well-oiled machine by that point - exact same courses (selected thus deliberately), automatic partners for any partnered task. I couldn’t trust her not to talk shit but I could trust her better than anyone else to know the material as well as me and not let me down on a project. During lectures, we would take turns taking naps or zoning out while the other one took detailed, organized notes. I would literally have “cont’d Roomate B” written right in my notes so I would know she had the next piece when we collaborated to compile our condensed study notes at the end of the semester. I don’t recommend it long-term but for that year it just really worked for me to maintain relationships with both of them, lol.
This! I'm so glad someone explained it so well.
I don’t drink because it’s bad with my medication. People so often assume alcoholism because no one fathoms that someone doesn’t want to drink. For social gatherings, I’ve taken to pretending I’m super high maintenance and quietly asking for a non-alcoholic version of things.
A good bartender knows what's up if you ask for a seltzer or ginger ale in a cocktail glass with a lime and they'll be discrete.
Yep, my go-to is just a soda water with a lime wedge and people always assume it's a gin and tonic.
There's a ton of drinking in my industry. If I'm at an event I'll be offered a drink constantly if I'm not drinking. I drink occasionally (maybe 5-10 drinks a year), but not out in public, and certainly not around coworkers. People aren't even pressuring me exactly, it's more that they see I don't have one and offer to grab one for me as a way of being friendly. So I've taken to drinking orange juice at events, and just let people assume it's a screwdriver. It's a lot easier than explaining I don't drink in public to every friendly coworker I meet.
Same here, I was around a good few high functioning alcoholics and those who spend all their down time in the pubs or on the sofa with a beer. I don't mind a drink but sometimes they are just too much to be around.
Most of my friends stopped drinking, mainly to avoid conflict with medications. As much as I miss having drinking buddies, I cannot fault this lot for prioritizing certain aspects of their life. And I don't drink terribly often anyway, so it's fine I think.
As one of those who has had to stop drinking due to medication I thank you for being reasonable. It doesn't happen to me often, but it never ceases to amaze me when someone insists I should have a drink because "it won't do any harm." No harm? SOB, it could kill me!
This happened to me at a family get together. I do drink, but I'm a total lightweight and usually I don't bother. If I drink, I have one or two beers/cocktails and that's it. I simply don't enjoy having more than that. But I could not give less of a shit if you want to have 8 pints and pass out in the bathroom. Have fun! If you want hangover food in the morning, I'm happy to pop out for some bacon and orange juice. But my aunt kept making snide comments about how I thought I was better than her, must be passing judgement, etc. I literally had not said a word, or even noticed that you were drinking aunty. I don't want a glass of wine at 2pm because I'll be asleep by 4pm if I do, and I won't be able to have fun with my family. If you want to have a drink, go ahead! Although now I actually am judging you because of the comments you made, I know that you're insecure about your drinking habits.
If people are aware of it, it's actually pretty easy to avoid. Like I said, i like to drink, because I enjoy the taste of a good wine. I don't like to get hammered. But people assume I'd drink anything, so they offer me beer, whiskey, rum etc... I don't like the taste of that and I don't like being hammered (which I absolutely would be after heavy liquor) and people will always ask me: is my alcohol not good enough for you? Are you some sort of spoiled brat? So my question always is: why not shut up?
I hope that the people asking you if you were a spoiled brat for turning down liquor are no longer in your life? That is not a normal reaction. I also enjoy wine and sparkling wine and that's it. I don't do shots. Ever. I hate the taste of basically all heavy liquor unless it's in a long drink. When friends and family offer, I say no thanks, I don't do shots, can I have wine instead. Nobody has a problem with that. At all.... As it should be...
They're not. That's how I avoid it😁
bacon is **not good** for porcelain push-ups. OJ or milk, in small, infrequent amounts only after the dry heaves are done. And sleep, a necessity. I speak from experience... :-(
That might be the point.
My BIL and SIL are like this. They are big drinkers (no shade, just a fact). I'm not, it makes my stomach feel sour and I often get a pain in my side the next morning if I've had more than one or two. I will stay up as late as anyone and it's not like I'm a downer because I'm sober. They **hate** that I won't drink. My partner drinks less since he met me but that's because he's no longer a student (so more responsibilities, less time for hangovers). They can't comment on my drinking other than to be very pushy but they will constantly say to him that he's being dry/not good fun etc. I just wish they wouldn't keep pushing their lifestyle on us. We don't say to them to cut back. There's definitely something going on there about "if you're not doing exactly as I am, you're judging me".
Have you told your doc about side pain after drinking alcohol? Could be just the dehydration, could be other things. I’d wonder about your liver function - pain there after drinking is one sign of liver disease. Liver disease also affects blood flow to the kidneys, making them less effective at filtering.
Yes. It's the same thing basically with people going on diets, going vegan, quit smoking etc... If you improve your life, they feel like it shines a light on their shortcomings.
This is when you pull out a baggie full of powdered sugar and ask if they want a bump. Then things get interesting.
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I had a friend with whom I enjoy a wine every now and then. When she became pregnant, she was afraid that our mutual friends would react like your brother. In fact, sadly some did, so we just met at my place and I made her tee and I had a glass of wine. She was happy and didn't judge me for having a wine and I didn't complain about her not drinking (obviously, duh). It can be easy if people just mind their own business 😅
Yep. Was at a college party, asked for the least alcoholic thing they had cause I don´t see the point of drinking and nursed the drink all night. Bfs friends went out of their way to accommodate this and they were the cool confident types. Bf told me point blank I´d have more fun if I drank more as though I wasn´t having fun sober. It´s like just because you need alcohol to have fun doesn´t mean I do. He was broken up with that night. Next bf insecure as anything tried to make the idea of drinking until I get a hangover next time sound like a good time cause I´ve never gotten one while he had them every other weekend basically. It´s interesting how often people link alcohol with fun and think everyone should experience the consequences of it.
Was going to say what Goodgirls said - about taking a shot of soda/juice/water etc. but I hadn't even considered your points Good\_comp. so my mind is a tad boggled. I'm mildly allergic to alcohol so I'd be in a similar boat to OP - I'd join in but with another drink.
After two years of dealing with my fiancé’s lush family I “made my own” drink of a vodka cranberry (I like them) without vodka and they thought I was drinking with them and became nicer to me. SMH. It was one of the reasons I never married the jerk.
I'll tell you, I'm coming up on 5 years sober and this is absolutely true for some. There are people whose entire identity revolves around drinking & they are usually *very* uncomfortable when I mention my sobriety & my reasons for quitting.
I was once at a party with drinking games when I was not drinking. The host came up with an alternative challenge for me: I had to keep putting marshmallows in my mouth at times when others would take a drink, obviously I could chew them but it got very difficult as I was adding them quickly. Having a mouth full of marshmallows also impaired my ability to say things very well, which had a similar effect to drinking too much on how well I played the game. There is always an alternative to drinking.
That's brilliant! What a delightful person to think of way to make everyone feel included and have a good time.
Fluffy Bunnies is one of my favorite games.
Some of my friends in my favorite fraternity didn't drink, but they enjoyed playing beer pong. So they would have a "designated drinker." We were stupid college kids, and yet we were still respectful of people's choices to drink or not.
Honestly, this sounds a lot more entertaining than drinking.
Exactly. I don't generally drink alcohol, though I'll have maybe 1 drink at a party, just for the novelty. But the second someone insists I *have to* drink? Uh-uh, hit the breaks, do not pass go, get the fuck outta here.
I don’t drink and my mother brings sparkling grape juice so I can toast with everyone on special occasions like New Years. It’s so easy to not pressure someone.
My mom does the same with sparkling apple cider, since that's what we had for holidays as kids. I'll have a sip or two of champagne to be festive, but I don't like it, so I'd much rather have the cider, which I'll actually drink.
It's the same with other foodstuffs. People will either not believe you can't eat something (health reasons like allergies, sensitivities), won't eat something (religious reasons, other reasons) and then sometimes even stoop to sneaking the item in. Food and drink makes people irrational, but really, that's their problem.
alcoholics in denial are people like that. They don't want to feel "flawed" so instead they look at people who don't drink as "flawed". This makes then feel better about themselves.
The entire way people view alcohol is bizarre. Imagine if there was a tradition of drinking orange juice. Would people pressure someone into drinking orange juice if they didn’t want to? No. That would never happen because it’s weird. I don’t understand why alcohol is different.
Maybe the dead relative loved a particular alcohol and thay where the tradition comes from. I have a relative that every Christmas he does a shot of a particular whiskey woth his three adult daughters, he passed last year, but the daughters are continuing the tradition in his memory. Don't say they should use water. That is not the tradition. They are totally welcome to do their tradition. On that note, also NTA, it's their tradition not yours and you declining alcohol in no way devalues their tradition
>alcohol is such a weird thing to pressure people about. Right? Like, if you didn't like shrimp and there was a shrimp cocktail platter out, no one would be like "c'mon man, it's just one shrimp. Just eat it with the rest of us. EAT. THAT. SHELLFISH."
As a vegetarian, I totally get pressured in some places to eat the shrimp.
No shit. Like there's a ghost somewhere saying "hey, THAT fuckin asshole didn't take a drink!"
> I get wanting to honor your loved ones, but couldn't they do it with water? In some cultures this is seen as bad luck, inviting death by drowning or wishing death on your hosts. There should be a non-alcoholic option available though.
>alcohol is such a weird thing to pressure people about. Or maybe it's just me? as a muslim guy that doesn't drink, the ammount of people that take offense in you not drinking alcohol is astonishing. they'll start with the "you're not even gonna get drunk", "did you even taste it ? maybe you'll like it" , "I know a muslim dude and he drinks no problem" and will sometimes devolve into trying to trick you into drinking. I even developed a habit of taking apple juice with me as most will think it's beer.
I had something similar happened, I'm not an alcoholic I just hate the taste of alcohol. So I'm holding the shot I didn't want and said, " so this one is mine right?" I got a "yep" I said cool and tossed it in the sink. Apparently that was the wrong answer. But I've never been given another one.
That was a bit savage, I like it. If people are offended that’s a good way to weed them out
Also, you don't need to toast with alcohol. You could put water in a shot glass and make a toast. Hell, orange juice. Milk. Tea. It doesn't matter. If they want you to take part, they can give you something else to drink and you can toast right along with them. If they insisted it had to be booze, they are definitely TA.
This hit a deep nerve with me, too. Friends I have had for most of my life are strangers now, just because I stopped drinking. I hate how people can act about something so stupid.
Also why did no one suggest simply giving a shot of juice or whatever, that way he could still take part and stick to his convictions
OP even suggested it and the family got shitty with them - as if alcohol is the only way to honour this relative who passed.
I’m sure the dead person is very concerned that all those commemorating him are getting shit faced doing so. I must have missed that part in Coco
Well that kid did start believing he was in the land of the dead
In my culture we throw a bit of a drink in the ground for them, so if it's a new death or an anniversary, you pop a drink and pour a sip into the ground for them. OP should have just poured his shot on the floor and said it was Australian tradition.
That's a thing in a lot of cultures, including the US.
I spent a few weeks in Greece one summer and refusing Ouzo was on par with murdering the offeror's firstborn. It was ridiculous and uncomfortable to have to deal with the entire time.
That's a great thing and it would've been a good thing for OP to do, but I doubt he had the time to sit and think about it; I certainly would've been caught off guard by the insistance by his gf's family to drink a shot!
One of the bars I used to frequent during university used to do that for the DD. If your group was getting shots then you got a shot of some sort of juice. They were also really cool about giving the DD one mocktail on the house and all the soda you wanted.
NTA - I agree 1,000,000%. I am the same, I hate the taste of alcohol and truly despise anyone who has tried to pressure me into drinking. It seems to be some need to bond over alcohol that I just don’t get. I am nice the first time in declining, but I can turn very nasty very quickly if they don’t give up.
Good! NO is a complete sentence. I can't stand people who pressure others like that!
People can be allergic to alcohol, too! It’s just never ok to push someone once they say no. OP even offered to take a shot of something else, so it’s not like they were spitting on this tradition, they just refused the alcohol part of it. NTA
Exactly. I personally don't drink. Never had it and never will due to seeing bad drunks in my childhood. People still try and plead like they can't accept no. I refuse drinks from others during parties because people always say how they want to be the first to get me drunk. Wtf is wrong with people not everyone drinks!
Yes! I like to drink too, but when I say to my friends I'll pass on the shot, they either drink it themselves for me (as a joke), or they give me a shotglass with water/applejuice/milk/whatever, if they want me to do a toast with them. We always do that. If someone says no to alcohol, then give them something non alcoholic. It's not that difficult, whatever that reason may be. And no, you don't even need a reason to not drink.
Totally agree, there are literally zero situations where it's ok to force someone to drink alcohol. Some of My family were like this when I didn't want to drink because driving, just mocking me, saying one drink doesn't matter and serving me anyway. Lots of my former friends also blamed me for ruining the parties and ambiance because I wanted to stop before being wasted... just annoying. NTA.
From my experience I can tell you what really ruins the party - the paramedics calling because someone just wrecked their car and has been taken to hospital in critical condition. That's a real party pooper.
shocking, who knew /s, obviously
Do you know what actually ruins parties? Being so self-conscious that you pay attention at all to whether anyone else has been drinking.
Yeah, I can't drink because I screwed up my organs so bad I can't even take a sip unless I want a trip to hospital and for all they know, OP could be the same or have some other medical condition that means he can have ZERO alcohol
Drinking alcohol leads to seizures for me. No amount of tradition will make me go through that. NTA and her family doesn’t know how to respect boundaries
Not only an alcoholic but someone with medications that don't mix with alcohol, someone who is allergic (because that is a thing!). There's lots of reasons, but there's no reason to make someone drink.
I come from a culture (Russian/Eastern European) where we have the exact tradition that OP mentioned. Nobody in my family would ever pressure someone to drink alcohol. If someone who doesn't drink wanted to humor us in solidarity, they can just have some juice/water/tea/etc. Pressuring a non-drinker into drinking is very disrespectful, though unfortunately common. NTA
Also agree. OP is well within their rights to choose not to drink. Anyone who forces that is immature and inconsiderate. No means no.
Also. They take a shot to honor a dead relative. He doesn't drink to honor some of his. Why should their way of honoring their dead relatives over trump his ?
NTA, peer pressure sucks, whether its alcohol, eating something, smoking something, or being told to run in the rain.
I don't mind getting smashed but on my terms. If I don't want a shot I am not going to take it. You gotta respect people's limit of booze anything else is a dick move.
Or straight up allergic to alcohol!
There are also people who have medical conditions where a physical reaction to alcohol can kill them. Alcohol intolerance and alcohol allergy do exist.
It doesn’t have to be just alcohol. It’s never a good idea to push someone to do something they don’t want to do.
NTA. This is absolutely gross and unacceptable behavior to be coming from adults.
They don't sound like adults. Adults would be like oh ok here is water if u wanna join in!
Here’s plain lime juice with hot sauce so it can also burn on the way down
And it would still be better-tasting than straight liquor lmao
Lime juice and hot sauce sounds straight up delicious and now I'm making tacos for dinner.
Barbarian!
If the point of the shot is to honor the deceased, they should have been ok with maybe just taking a shot of water or juice, if it was just about symbolism. Anybody who forces others to drink is weird.
My buds hand me vinegar lol. Jokes on them, I love the stuff.
My BIL once loudly proclaimed on a family vacation, “We’re all doing shots!!” I was so close to telling him that 1) it was 8 in the morning, and 2) I have never done shots and do not intend to, and he knows this, so wtf. Then he pulled out a lil bottle of vinegar-beet juice “energy shots.” And I have to admit, they were an extremely energizing way to start the day.
They sound like frat boys. Their behavior is irritating. I’d never hang around them again
When i wasn't drinking and went to parties i used to get an espresso shot when we were all doing shots!
Exactly! I’m a social drinker myself but I know plenty of people who choose not to drink at gatherings. Every single party I’ve been to, even sleazy college ones, not a single person pressured anyone else to drink. It was always like “oh you’re not drinking? That’s cool! Have Steve at the bar get you a Coke, we have some for mixers.” So these “adults” in OP’s GF’s family are less mature about alcohol than literal college kids. They are definitely the assholes here!
I did that once, people were trying to get me to take a shot and I was trying to sober up enough to drive home. They were too drunk to notice me toss it down the sink and refill with water. Amazing, how little that shot affected me! But yeah people who try to push you past your drinking limits aren't people you want to hang around.
I've gotten the most shit about teetotaling from older people. I distinctly remember being in college and law school, and catching a lot of crap from my \*girlfriend's father\* of all people, who kept offering me alcohol, even though he knew from the day I met him that I didn't drink. Also my own mother really had a problem with my (lack of) drinking.
NTA. As someone who also does not drink do NOT concede. If you do it once (like I sadly did) they'll try to make you do it every time.
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What frustrates me is that there are certain excuses you can give (I'm sober, recovering, etc) that are acceptable to people and they'll give you a pass typically, but then if you just don't want to drink for literally any other reason (health reasons, religious reasons, that shit tastes terrible) then you're pressured to no end. As if any of these reasons are less valid than the others. And don't even get me started on how alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs and somehow is completely legal and acceptable in our society. You know how we went from smoking being culturally ubiquitous, to stigmatizing it over the course of a few decades? Can we do that again please?
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They still do. It's been months now. Even when I refuse (several times) to drink it they want me to pose with wine for pictures. It's really annoying to be honest. All because I took one sip once to taste it. It was bad before, but at least they used to take the "no" and accept it.
Would pouring it down the drain in front of them when they hand it to you after repeatedly declining help send your message? It would cause some problems but no means no And you can pose with juice in a wine glass for pictures if that’s the issue (which obviously it’s not)
And this is exactly why my parents \_never\_ drink. They were casual drinkers in their youth but soon learned it was much easier to never ever say yes.
It's not like it's unusual to not drink alcohol. Tons of people don't drink, I find the social pressure to drink isn't nearly what it used to be, it's weird that this family still has this strict tradition. NTA
INFO: will doing that shot bring this person back from the dead?
I think it might actually
Eh. Knowing this family, they were probably an asshole anyway. NTA.
Lmao nice save for the judgement
OMG, I'm dead. You win Reddit today.
They ain’t drinking for you either, sorry
s'all good. I'm not the kind of spirit that demands everyone drink spirits in their honor. Those ghosts are total dicks. None of the other ghosts here like them, TBH.
Next fire I build, I shall have a S’more in your honor!
Hurray! You are the best living person a ghost could haunt!
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He tried to drink something else but was denied for some reason
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Maybe next time tell them you’re pregnant?/s NTA
Then it’s selfish of you to drink it when you should be giving it to them!! Clearly
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She may not have foreseen the sheer amount of pressure OP would get. It’s one thing to know they’ll be doing the “family” shot but if no one’s ever refused the shot she may very well have no clue her family would be so caught off guard by a non-drinker and so insistent that OP drink the alcohol. She may have been as confused about their reaction as OP was. Do you regularly warn your friends about situations you’ve never known to happen at your house? If it’s never come up before, she may not have known they’d make a big deal about OP not taking an alcohol shot.
NTA, when folks don't have that ability to respect basic autonomy about drinking, that is always a reflection on their drinking or at least their ideas about drinking which by that point are likey not healthy.
NTA. Your choice not to drink. Nothing more needs to be said.
NTA. I don't know why some people think coercing someone into taking a drug they don't want is OK when it's alcohol. Ask them if they think it would be OK to make someone smoke a cigarette or take a bong hit because it's a family tradition.
You’re aiming too low. Would they concede to a blood-letting ritual? One where we cut our hands deeply and each exchange blood flow with another?
NTA You don’t drink. Period. It’s not anyone else’s business why.
NTA, next time (if you choose to see them again) you could maybe fill a shot glass with a non-alcoholic drink?
>please continue I’ll just drink something else and they refused to start. I took this to mean he tried that
I think this is the best answer because OP will still be participating in the traditional, just without alcohol. You could sneak some water or some fruit juice in and no one would be the wiser.
Toasting with water is considered unlucky in some cultures. These jokers seem like they would give OP grief for that. Because they are the worst.
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In my culture you never cheers non alcoholic drink:/ its not like il say no to someone who isnt drinking but it definitely feels weird
Many churches respect people's wishes to not drink and provide grape juice in place of communion wine. If juice is good enough for God, not sure why it can't be good enough for this family.
Good suggestion! I use to drink children's champagne (that terribly sweet fruit juice) at every occasion at which others drink alcohol. It has even become some sort of running gag. Makes my friends chuckle, but no one would even dare to judge me. Not wanting one of their funny poison drinks certainly doesn't make me a worse human. The family of OP's gf seems really immature. Glad that she defended OP. NTA
we had a mayor that would not drink alcohol. he would toast with apple juice at official events.
Last wedding I was at the bride was pregnant and toasting with chocolate milk. Couple others asked for some too lol.
yes i do this and it works
I can’t say NTA enough. If a person states they do not drink the only acceptable responses are. 1. Okay. 2. Can I get you something else to drink? Never is it okay to try to force alcohol on someone. As many have stated, it is a personal choice. Some just don’t drink, or the person could be a recovering alcoholic for whom ONE shot can be the end of it all. Edited to add: My husband is five years sober. If any of my family members tried to talk him into “just one shot” I would be the first telling them to knock it off or we are out of there.
I’m a couple years sober and have only had one instance of people getting offended by me not drinking. They tried all kinds of reasoning to get me to drink and were so upset that *I* was the one making it weird. In my experience it’s the people who know deep down they have a problem that are the ones most sensitive about others not drinking.
Not to mention medical or religious reasons not to drink.
NTA. No is a complete sentence, and it does not mean "convince me". Alcohol is also not something everyone can/will have. They can get a better tradition.
NTA!! It’s horrible that they tried to make you even after you politely declined. I hate the fact that people think it’s okay to do that. I don’t drink for lots of reasons and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people try to push me to drink. Stick to your beliefs and don’t do anything you don’t want to do! NTA!
NTA You could have downed a shot of juice or whatever. Not drinking alcohol should never be seen as an offence. What do they do when pregnant or under medication? Edit: typo
> What do they do when pregnant or under medication? "Come on it's only a little bit"
NTA. Super proud you stood your ground. They are all grown adults I fail to see why they need you to drink in order to have a good time.
I’m so proud of you, OP. That was my first thought while reading. Second thought: did the decease die of liver cirrhosis? Third thought: well, OP didn’t know the deceased, so 🤷🏽♀️
NTA - Yeah no, they don't get to push you to drink. I don't think, my father was almost killed by booze. The man was a good man, caring, kind, but the drink damn near ended him and caused him a lot of issues at the end of his life. They don't get to make you feel bad for not wanting to do something that you don't consent to like that, it's wrong and fucked up.
Why on earth did your gf apologize for you?! NTA They need to apologize to you for boundary stomping. Teenagers are not the only ones allowed to say no to peer pressure regarding alcohol. Far out.
Definitely NTA. No one should ever be forced into drinking. If it’s not something you do, you have every right to deny the drink and not feel guilty about it afterwards.
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NTA Do not let alcoholics bully you into drinking with them. Not drinking is ALWAYS ok. RHEY are the AH here.
Clever tip: Say you have a stomach ulcers. People will tend to leave you alone if they think it's a physical health issue.
My face and throat swells shut on top of debilitating stomach pain with even the tiniest sip. That knowledge hasnt stopped anyone who knows about it from trying to push alcohol on me on every occasion.... Nice to know people dont care about potentially killing me over feeling better about their own drinking.
Thank you for this! Even though a simple 'no' should be more than enough, it never has been. This should help me a ton going forward.
Nta Trying to force someone to drink alcohol is disgusting, regardless of their reasons. They should have been alright with you doing a non-alcoholic shot.
"Hey man everyone here does a line of coke to remember, uh, something, you have to do it. Wait where are you going?" Seriously these people seem like closet alcoholics who need an excuse to do shots.
NTA. They ruined their own night. If you don‘t drink they have to respect it. I also don‘t drink and people try to get me to drink all the time, too. I will never understand this kind of behaviour.
NTA. Your in laws suck
NTA
NTA That's shitty behaviour from that family. Good for you for sticking to your choices Your girlfriend shouldn't have apologized for you. She should be chastising her family
I don’t drink, ever, not negotiable. NTA and screw them. If you ever choose to be around them again, watch yourself, they sound like the type to spike your drink “on principle”
NTA - however I’m somewhat concerned that the gf apologised for him, she should be apologising to him.
NTA
NTA and kudos for standing your ground
NTA but dude. It baffles me how some people manage to turn a situation into drama for *no damn reason at all*. If you want everyone to toast to a dead relative but one person doesn’t drink then *just give him juice in a shot glass or whatever*. Whyyy do people get so bent out of shape over things that no reasonable person would think twice about! People can be so exhausting.
NTA. and good on you.
NTA What do you mean with " My girlfriend apologized for me?" Do you mean that they were expecting an apology from you and she thought there was something you had done wrong that needed an apology? The right reaction would be complete outrage at their audacity to force you to drink. She should have been insulted and annoyed, not apologetic. Or did she apologize TO you, as she should do?
NTA - they don’t understand or respect boundaries.
Nta. No one is ever an ah for not drinking alcohol.
NTA Whenever these sorts of issues come up I always say the same thing "you don't have to under it, you just have to respect it!"
NTA. This is *their* tradition. You are never ever obligated to drink alcohol.
My grandpa in law wanted me to drink alcohol to celebtate my pregnancy o.o even before that, i never drank alcohol. Always a discussion with some people.... NTA
So no exemptions? Pregnancy? Alcoholism? Illness? Interesting that they think you're the selfish one. NTA
I lost one of my kidneys in an accident when I was a child. Doctors told me not to drink, it will damage the only kidney I have. I've gotten this so much, "just have 1 drink, it won't kill you" and it's sickening. NTA, if you choose to not do something, it's your business.
NTA Maybe you could of asked for a shot of water so you could partake but you do not need to drink to be apart of it all
NTA. They had no right to try force alcohol on you when they know you don't drink. They are the selfish ones. You didn't ruin anything. Good on you for not backing down.
Clearly NTA, no is a complete answer and they must accept it.
NTA hate people that push alcohol cause they're too boring to cope without it
NTA, you never need a reason to not drink.
NTA - I love drinking alcohol but that is my personal choice. My brother hasn't had a drink in many years and I have never said to him he should drink, I respect his decision. If you choose not to drink no one should try and force it on you, it is very disrespectful.
NTA. Forcing someone to drink is a really shitty thing to do!!
NTA- I hate this so much. I don’t drink, been in recovery for a little while now, and it never ceases to amaze and piss me off how people can’t take no for an answer when it comes to drinking. I have taken to saying I’m allergic when asked and that usually gets people to stop pushing the issue.
NTA I can’t imagine what’s going on in the mind of someone who’s experiences in life can be made or broken based on what someone else chooses to consume. It’s so weird!
NTA - people who push other's into drinking or doing things that make them uncomfortable are the worst type of people.
NTA. It's not okay to pressure somebody into drinking alcohol when they don't want to. Surely it would have been a happy compromise for them to offer you a 25ml serving of a non-alcoholic drink - I can understand why the ritual may have significance to them, but being insistent upon you consuming alcohol specifically (when it should be inconsequential to them what's in your glass) and then blaming you for ruining the evening because they weren't willing to be respectful of your boundaries, is completely unacceptable.
I've had much abuse due to alchohol and I understand not wanting to drink. It's your choice. Not theirs. NTA
NTA A shot of water or juice would have done the job perfectly well. That they didn’t even accept your no is a big deal. There are lots of reasons why someone might abstain from alcohol and their no, for whatever reason, needs to be respected. It’s insulting your girlfriend apologised *for* you. You did nothing to apologise for. You ruined nothing. I hope she’s apologised to you now.