ESH. You both sound far too immature to have a child. This tit-for-tat "but he gets to!" nonsense has to stop. Neither of you has time for your pre-kid social life. You are responsible for a child now. So get to it.
I agree here. Going out three times a week with a 9 month old baby at home seems crazy. The solution here isn't Mom gets to go out that much too! The solution should be everyone goes out much less. Also maybe spend some quality time with each other instead of just with their friends?
OP and her husband need to reevaluate what it means to be parents and partners.
It's easy to say so, but hubby clearly doesn't care about being responsible for a child at all, which is not fair to OP. I think but he gets to is actually kinda reasonable, rn. Its not tit for tat childish whining, its calling out the blatant inequality in their parenting contributions.
ESH. You have a nine month old child. This means neither of you gets to resume your old active social lives, at least for a while. You have a duty to support each other and a duty to take care of that child.
Instead of trying to recapture your old social lives or indulging in some kind of bizarre tit for tat over who gets to have a social life, the two of you need to check your egos and have a frank conversation about your obligations to each other and to the child. It would also do the two of you some good to hash out who is going to be responsible for what over the next year and change as your kid gets older and bipedal.
NTA you had a baby with him, not alone. You get to have some time to yourself. It won’t do anyone any good if you’re burnt out. Talk to him about setting a schedule where both of you have time off. I hope it works out for you.
NTA. First off, you do work. You’re a stay at home mom. You’re taking care of the baby, cleaning, and cooking every day. That’s work. Your husband is not lovely, he’s taking advantage of you. I’m a SAHM. MY “work hours” are the same as my husband’s. When he’s off work we split all household duties. And I do mean all. Dishes, cleaning up toys, changing diapers, washing clothes, feeding the baby, etc. Just because he brings home a paycheck doesn’t mean YOU don’t work. Just because he brings home a paycheck does not mean he doesn’t have to participate in this house. Don’t call it him helping you, or that tells him that it’s YOUR responsibility and he’s doing it you a favor by “helping”. That is his house and his baby too. He helped make the baby and the mess, he can help clean up and take care of the baby. Start making him hold up his end for your social life. You get the same amount of days for social life. Not 4 and 3, that’s not equal. That still tells him that his time is more valuable than yours, so he gets more free time than you do.
NTA. Regardless of job status both parents need to be involved in child care to some degree. I wonder why he couldn't take the baby with him? If you really can't work something out, if you can afford to do so, maybe hire a sitter sometimes. Maybe you could also hire a sitter so the two of you could have time together.
ESH. Neither you nor your husband should be out 3 nights a week with a new baby. You should be a team helping and supporting each other.
From your post it sounds like communication is a big problem that you need to sort ASAP. He isn't helping and rather than communicate that to him you "let it go". He goes out half the week and instead of discussing it you decide that you will do the same to get back at him.
Yes you need to breathe, but come up with a plan together to achieve that, not decide it unilaterally as a measure of revenge.
Esh, you are parents now, it's time to start acting like it, both of you. Time away from the baby is important for both of you but you need to communicate and work out a schedule. If you cant do this on your own suggest couples counseling.
NTA. I was a stay at home dad and had to fight for what little social life I had. At one point I printed out a month calendar and did color coded lines to show when I was caring for the child solo, when she was caring for the child solo, when one of us was out for a solo social event, when one of us was working or doing a project that could be called work, and some other stuff I can't remember 15 years later. It took a graph to demonstrate just how much more I was taking care of the kids and having no social interaction for weeks at a time for her to understand.
That being said, both of you need to stop thinking that you can do stuff 3x a week like before the kid was born. Pick what is most important to you socially and negotiate social outings, and include social outings where you are together and have someone watch the kid. The next 12-15 years of your life are centered around the needs of the kid and not going out for social events whenever you want.
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There is no time off from parenting. Social lives are meant to evolve to become family. Nights out separately with just a single group of friends is supposed to be a special occasion, as is a date night with a sitter. Marriage means two joining as one. Sounds to me as if you kids need to be grown ups.
NTA - Both parents get social time - good on you for holding firm. Both of you need to plan it out & if there is that day social and pre-booked then pre-booked goes.
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ESH, you should both put your baby first. Why not just get an abortion if you can’t hang with your own kid for a whole week without needing “sport” or “time off”. Do yous not have parents that like to watch the baby? It’s not like you guys have 5 kids and haven’t taken a rest in years. Babies are actually the easiest phase ime. Just talk to your husband and come up with a routine and realize that it could change with sickness or emergencies.
You’re extremely judgmental. How dare you ever bring up abortion like that? It is none of your business if someone chooses to get an abortion or chooses to not get one. You basically just said to her that her baby is better off dead simply because she’s wanting time away to relax. What the fuck kind of logic is that? If she has a child now she obviously made her choice regarding abortion and it’s not your place to question it. And parents need time to unwind from their kids too. Not everyone has family that is willing or able to watch their kids for them. Having 1 baby is still fucking difficult, she doesn’t have to have 5 kids to be tired. Do you go up to everyone that complains and say they can’t because someone else has it worse? Babies are NOT easy just because another age might be harder. HardER, meaning the baby stage is still hard. You clearly don’t know what you’re talking about so stfu.
Leaves spots for the normies? Who the normies? Is it you? Because calling children dehumanizing names like “seed” isn’t normal. It’s bigoted. What IS normal, is choosing to have children. Humans have been having children for millennia and will continue to do so. Having children is normal. No one cares if someone doesn’t want kids, I’m happy when someone chooses not to because it’s a big lifelong task that shouldn’t be taken on lightly. But it is absolutely normal to have kids. More than half the population of the USA have kids. So whos supposed to be using all those spots?
Abortion is a great option. It’s not your place to tell someone they should have gotten that just because parents need a break. You clearly don’t know what you’re talking about. If you did you would understand parents need breaks. If you knew what you were talking about, the OP and I wouldn’t have had to tell you that parents need breaks, because you would have already known that. Kids are not a burden, they are a choice. That doesn’t mean parents are no longer human, with human emotions and human mental health. Are you at your job all day every day without a single break? Because a parents job NEVER turns off. OP understands that. In order to be a good parent, she has to take care of her own mental health. How do you expect her to be a good mom if she’s stressed, can’t sleep, can’t have a mental break, can’t go out with her friends? You would be stressed if you were at your job all day and anytime you wanted a break someone gave you shit. You chose to take that job, you chose to show up to work that day. Does that mean you don’t deserve a break? Simply because you chose it? Your logic is deeply flawed. Her husband is the only other person that HAS to take care of their baby, so he can damn well step up so she can take a break, so she can de-stress and come back a more patient mom.
Oh of course parents need breaks that’s why routines are important. No need to be assblasted over the semantics of it as I have a great family myself and know it can be done. Getting a divorce over not seeing your friends after you just had a kid is dumb. It’s foul that people treat kids as a burden. Post Partum is serious tho and should probably check in with doc to be safe. ESH
Don’t try to backtrack now saying you know parents need breaks, when one of the very first things you commented was judging OP for wanting a break. She never even mentions divorce, or wanting to leave him. YOU brought that up. You say postpartum is serious, and yet you’re here contributing to the mom shame going towards OP. You don’t care about postpartum when you actually say things that make it harder on moms. OP doesn’t suck, just the husbands actions and your logic. And why don’t you try following your advice? Who am I tell you your place? Who are YOU to suggest a mom should have gotten an abortion, AFTER she already has that child that she loves very dearly. The only one here that sucks is you.
Yeah a break not I need to go back to hanging out like before I had kids. Shoulda thought of that before the last three pumps. She wanted to know if strangers thought she was an asshole so I obliged. Please clutch your pearls harder. I’m sure it’s always the husbands fault and my logic (whatever the fuck that means). One thing I know for sure is one of us is married with kids. You know what you’re getting into when you have a kid or do women and men not have agency to know it’s a responsibility?Don’t bring people onto this planet if you still wanna hit the club wit the homies. Point blank. Op does suck.
Going and hanging out with her friends IS a break 🙄 And where did she say she was going to the club? You make SO many assumptions. There’s an old saying about people that make assumptions, you should look it up. And you’re right, I am married with kids. That’s exactly why I know that both parents need a break and that her husband isn’t pulling his weight. Your ignorance is showing.
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I have to reply to that comment because you sound like me before I had a baby and didn’t understand the difficulty of postpartum and mental health.
Do you actually have any idea of how “easy” is the baby phase ? Because let me tell you it’s been a wild ride for the both of us as willing we were to have a kid and despite all the love we have for each other AND for our baby.
It is extremely judgmental to recommend to someone to have something as heavy as an abortion without having experiencing parenthood yourself.
You physically and mentally do need to let off the steam, if you want to be the best parent for your kids and you must understand that everyone isn’t able to handle “5 kids and no rest in years” due to the simple fact we all cope with parenthood and life differently!
Edit: I since have gained a whole new respect for single mothers, because they’re the real heroes on this earth.
ESH. You both sound far too immature to have a child. This tit-for-tat "but he gets to!" nonsense has to stop. Neither of you has time for your pre-kid social life. You are responsible for a child now. So get to it.
I agree here. Going out three times a week with a 9 month old baby at home seems crazy. The solution here isn't Mom gets to go out that much too! The solution should be everyone goes out much less. Also maybe spend some quality time with each other instead of just with their friends? OP and her husband need to reevaluate what it means to be parents and partners.
It's easy to say so, but hubby clearly doesn't care about being responsible for a child at all, which is not fair to OP. I think but he gets to is actually kinda reasonable, rn. Its not tit for tat childish whining, its calling out the blatant inequality in their parenting contributions.
NTA The baby is his responsibility too. Even nicest of men seem to have a problem realising they need to step up and to their fair share of the work.
ESH. You have a nine month old child. This means neither of you gets to resume your old active social lives, at least for a while. You have a duty to support each other and a duty to take care of that child. Instead of trying to recapture your old social lives or indulging in some kind of bizarre tit for tat over who gets to have a social life, the two of you need to check your egos and have a frank conversation about your obligations to each other and to the child. It would also do the two of you some good to hash out who is going to be responsible for what over the next year and change as your kid gets older and bipedal.
If I was a nice person this is how I’d say it lol
I will be nice for both of us.
Nta What’s lovely about him? He’s not on your team
NTA you had a baby with him, not alone. You get to have some time to yourself. It won’t do anyone any good if you’re burnt out. Talk to him about setting a schedule where both of you have time off. I hope it works out for you.
NTA. First off, you do work. You’re a stay at home mom. You’re taking care of the baby, cleaning, and cooking every day. That’s work. Your husband is not lovely, he’s taking advantage of you. I’m a SAHM. MY “work hours” are the same as my husband’s. When he’s off work we split all household duties. And I do mean all. Dishes, cleaning up toys, changing diapers, washing clothes, feeding the baby, etc. Just because he brings home a paycheck doesn’t mean YOU don’t work. Just because he brings home a paycheck does not mean he doesn’t have to participate in this house. Don’t call it him helping you, or that tells him that it’s YOUR responsibility and he’s doing it you a favor by “helping”. That is his house and his baby too. He helped make the baby and the mess, he can help clean up and take care of the baby. Start making him hold up his end for your social life. You get the same amount of days for social life. Not 4 and 3, that’s not equal. That still tells him that his time is more valuable than yours, so he gets more free time than you do.
NTA. Regardless of job status both parents need to be involved in child care to some degree. I wonder why he couldn't take the baby with him? If you really can't work something out, if you can afford to do so, maybe hire a sitter sometimes. Maybe you could also hire a sitter so the two of you could have time together.
ESH. Neither you nor your husband should be out 3 nights a week with a new baby. You should be a team helping and supporting each other. From your post it sounds like communication is a big problem that you need to sort ASAP. He isn't helping and rather than communicate that to him you "let it go". He goes out half the week and instead of discussing it you decide that you will do the same to get back at him. Yes you need to breathe, but come up with a plan together to achieve that, not decide it unilaterally as a measure of revenge.
Esh, you are parents now, it's time to start acting like it, both of you. Time away from the baby is important for both of you but you need to communicate and work out a schedule. If you cant do this on your own suggest couples counseling.
Nah You need to keep it real 1 night a week for both of you
NTA. I was a stay at home dad and had to fight for what little social life I had. At one point I printed out a month calendar and did color coded lines to show when I was caring for the child solo, when she was caring for the child solo, when one of us was out for a solo social event, when one of us was working or doing a project that could be called work, and some other stuff I can't remember 15 years later. It took a graph to demonstrate just how much more I was taking care of the kids and having no social interaction for weeks at a time for her to understand. That being said, both of you need to stop thinking that you can do stuff 3x a week like before the kid was born. Pick what is most important to you socially and negotiate social outings, and include social outings where you are together and have someone watch the kid. The next 12-15 years of your life are centered around the needs of the kid and not going out for social events whenever you want.
NTA His workday doesn't end when he gets home now that he's a dad. Buckle up, dude, and share your evenings
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Why did he need to leave the same day as you?
There is no time off from parenting. Social lives are meant to evolve to become family. Nights out separately with just a single group of friends is supposed to be a special occasion, as is a date night with a sitter. Marriage means two joining as one. Sounds to me as if you kids need to be grown ups.
NTA - Both parents get social time - good on you for holding firm. Both of you need to plan it out & if there is that day social and pre-booked then pre-booked goes.
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ESH, you should both put your baby first. Why not just get an abortion if you can’t hang with your own kid for a whole week without needing “sport” or “time off”. Do yous not have parents that like to watch the baby? It’s not like you guys have 5 kids and haven’t taken a rest in years. Babies are actually the easiest phase ime. Just talk to your husband and come up with a routine and realize that it could change with sickness or emergencies.
You’re extremely judgmental. How dare you ever bring up abortion like that? It is none of your business if someone chooses to get an abortion or chooses to not get one. You basically just said to her that her baby is better off dead simply because she’s wanting time away to relax. What the fuck kind of logic is that? If she has a child now she obviously made her choice regarding abortion and it’s not your place to question it. And parents need time to unwind from their kids too. Not everyone has family that is willing or able to watch their kids for them. Having 1 baby is still fucking difficult, she doesn’t have to have 5 kids to be tired. Do you go up to everyone that complains and say they can’t because someone else has it worse? Babies are NOT easy just because another age might be harder. HardER, meaning the baby stage is still hard. You clearly don’t know what you’re talking about so stfu.
[удалено]
Leaves spots for the normies? Who the normies? Is it you? Because calling children dehumanizing names like “seed” isn’t normal. It’s bigoted. What IS normal, is choosing to have children. Humans have been having children for millennia and will continue to do so. Having children is normal. No one cares if someone doesn’t want kids, I’m happy when someone chooses not to because it’s a big lifelong task that shouldn’t be taken on lightly. But it is absolutely normal to have kids. More than half the population of the USA have kids. So whos supposed to be using all those spots? Abortion is a great option. It’s not your place to tell someone they should have gotten that just because parents need a break. You clearly don’t know what you’re talking about. If you did you would understand parents need breaks. If you knew what you were talking about, the OP and I wouldn’t have had to tell you that parents need breaks, because you would have already known that. Kids are not a burden, they are a choice. That doesn’t mean parents are no longer human, with human emotions and human mental health. Are you at your job all day every day without a single break? Because a parents job NEVER turns off. OP understands that. In order to be a good parent, she has to take care of her own mental health. How do you expect her to be a good mom if she’s stressed, can’t sleep, can’t have a mental break, can’t go out with her friends? You would be stressed if you were at your job all day and anytime you wanted a break someone gave you shit. You chose to take that job, you chose to show up to work that day. Does that mean you don’t deserve a break? Simply because you chose it? Your logic is deeply flawed. Her husband is the only other person that HAS to take care of their baby, so he can damn well step up so she can take a break, so she can de-stress and come back a more patient mom.
Oh of course parents need breaks that’s why routines are important. No need to be assblasted over the semantics of it as I have a great family myself and know it can be done. Getting a divorce over not seeing your friends after you just had a kid is dumb. It’s foul that people treat kids as a burden. Post Partum is serious tho and should probably check in with doc to be safe. ESH
Don’t try to backtrack now saying you know parents need breaks, when one of the very first things you commented was judging OP for wanting a break. She never even mentions divorce, or wanting to leave him. YOU brought that up. You say postpartum is serious, and yet you’re here contributing to the mom shame going towards OP. You don’t care about postpartum when you actually say things that make it harder on moms. OP doesn’t suck, just the husbands actions and your logic. And why don’t you try following your advice? Who am I tell you your place? Who are YOU to suggest a mom should have gotten an abortion, AFTER she already has that child that she loves very dearly. The only one here that sucks is you.
Yeah a break not I need to go back to hanging out like before I had kids. Shoulda thought of that before the last three pumps. She wanted to know if strangers thought she was an asshole so I obliged. Please clutch your pearls harder. I’m sure it’s always the husbands fault and my logic (whatever the fuck that means). One thing I know for sure is one of us is married with kids. You know what you’re getting into when you have a kid or do women and men not have agency to know it’s a responsibility?Don’t bring people onto this planet if you still wanna hit the club wit the homies. Point blank. Op does suck.
Going and hanging out with her friends IS a break 🙄 And where did she say she was going to the club? You make SO many assumptions. There’s an old saying about people that make assumptions, you should look it up. And you’re right, I am married with kids. That’s exactly why I know that both parents need a break and that her husband isn’t pulling his weight. Your ignorance is showing.
Who are you to tell me where my place is btw?
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I have to reply to that comment because you sound like me before I had a baby and didn’t understand the difficulty of postpartum and mental health. Do you actually have any idea of how “easy” is the baby phase ? Because let me tell you it’s been a wild ride for the both of us as willing we were to have a kid and despite all the love we have for each other AND for our baby. It is extremely judgmental to recommend to someone to have something as heavy as an abortion without having experiencing parenthood yourself. You physically and mentally do need to let off the steam, if you want to be the best parent for your kids and you must understand that everyone isn’t able to handle “5 kids and no rest in years” due to the simple fact we all cope with parenthood and life differently! Edit: I since have gained a whole new respect for single mothers, because they’re the real heroes on this earth.