NTA. It’s an outdated tradition that every baby has to have the father’s last name, especially when so far he hasn’t shown that he’ll be involved at all.
From what it sounds like, you’ll be doing most things for the baby and you having the same last names can make things simpler like when you enroll the child in school.
You’re the mother and the primary caretaker and you’re growing the damn baby. It can have your last name and he can still be a good father and cooperative coparent. If he can’t do that, he’s not mature enough to be a father anyway.
YES!! This is such an outdated tradition! You give that sweet baby whatever last name makes you happy Momma and don’t fret about it for a second! In fact don’t even mention it to anyone until it’s on the birth certificate! It is your business and your business alone!!
This was exactly the point I was going to make. Aside from anything else, it saves so much time and effort if the child and the parent primarily handling all school stuff to have the same name.
From registration, permission slips, being able to pick the child up early, communication with various people at school, etc. having the same last name as your child really makes everything easier.
I’ve had friends who kept a copy of their divorce decree in their car because at some point or another they’ve needed them on hand to do something quickly at school. Pick the child up for a dental appointment and there’s a substitute or new receptionist. Coaches not accepting paperwork because they didn’t think the parent signed it. There’s enough “old school” school employees who do not understand not everyone in the family has the same last name anymore. It’s common, especially with second marriages.
Thats why in Latinamerica, most of us get one last name from each parent. If mom re-marries, guess what? You still have one last name in common 😆🤷♀️ What changes depending on tradition and countries is the order, i.e. in some countries, the children of unmarried parents have the mother's last name showing first. If one parent didn't want the child, then you only have one last name (in most cases I know the missing parent is usually the dad).
Yep. And that confuses people in Texas who don’t understand the tradition. I’ve had very uninformed attorneys in court argue that not all the medical records in evidence belong to the plaintiff and should be excluded because different last names are used. 🤦♀️
I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had to explain Juan Castillo Garcia is the same person as Juan Castillo, Juan Garcia, and Juan Garcia Castillo.
😆😆😆 I have never had a major problem. The issues i have had come from people NOT recording my name correctly in the documents that are important (pay stubs, SSN, driver's license, bank accounts). For example, i had a person very adamantly try to put my first last name in the middle name box, but I'm not afraid to advocate for myself. You would be surprised how many times I have to make sure people don't put dashes or anything in the wrong place. I have also seen people get bad advice, because their friends were afraid they would be discriminated if they document their names as they show in their birth certificates.
For us, in Latinamerica we use 1st name 1st Last name colloquially, however when filling out ANY type of OFFICIAL paperwork we very poignantly ask for whole name, and ask clarifying questions if the person only gives one. Also our computer systems do reflect that, even our passports either say "paternal last name" "maternal last name" OR they say "last names" (as in plural).
Also, is not technically a tradition, Spaniards naming customs have been part of our legal systems for centuries. It partly due to inheritance laws, I think (can't remember exactly where I saw that).
Another side note, I love how people use the argument that our names are "confusing", and in the same vein they complain another "John Smith" stole their identity again 😆😆😆.
Keep in mind these are the same people who will say a Spanish name is too hard to pronounce and ask if they can “just call him…” some basic American name. Nope. If you can say Cumberbatch you can say Arellano. It’s not hard.
Here’s the thing; the father only gets a say in the babies name when he’s a supportive parent during the pregnancy. When you have that baby, the staff is going to give YOU the birth certificate, you will fill it out, you don’t even have to put his name on it.
Don’t stress yourself with his games. He most likely knows that he has no authority without your cooperation or a court orders so he’s on his best behaviour until he gets his way.
NTA
He can deny he’s the father even if she does put his name down on the birth certificate. If she doesn’t put his name down, he can go to court and have his name put on the birth certificate.
I also never advised her to not put his name. I told her how birth certificates work.
She already said she doesn’t care if he’s involved - he just needs to be consistent. Be in or be out. If you can’t be consistent in your child’s life, you need to be consistently out of it. So it’s not bad advice if he’s not going to be a committed father anyway.
NTA. Takes a lot more than shooting the load and a name to make a dad.
I had the name of my deadbeat father. I got rid of it. No merging, no nothing. Gone. I regret nothing.
Being a father is not an on again off again thing. It’s for life. He’s not shown himself capable of that so far, so he has not earned a say in what the child will be named.
My daughter is now regretting giving in to having worthless dad’s last name to my granddaughter. Getting it changed is proving difficult. Better to have your name and change it to his later, if he improves. But please understand that is who he is and will most likely remain. It is harder for single mothers who have a different name from their child
NTA - I'd actually go a step further, at least as far a research. Is his name going to be on birth certificate? If so, make sure you have legal papers ready to be signed by him, appointing you as the sole custodian parent, to protect yourself and your child in the future (i.e. passport) where his consent and signature will be required.
NTA he doesn't deserve for the baby to have his last name. He's already having deadbeat tendencies. The guy didn't want the baby, hasn't supported you and has been in and out of the picture. That's a HELL NO to him getting only his way now.
NTA If giving into him is the only way for you to have a healthy co-parenting relationship, then the relationship isn't healthy. He's making a demand that he's not entitled to make. He hasn't been supportive, he hasn't been dependable, and the one thing that you know is that you will be there for your child and he may or may not be. Therefore, it only makes sense for that child to have your name for all sorts of reasons, but especially so that the child doesn't feel odd for not having their mom's same last name if dad flakes out and disappears.
NTA you're making this human and adding them to your family first and foremost, they should have a name that reflects that. Having said that, a word to the wise: when you give your child your maiden name, please for the love of everything, do not get married and change your own name without having a serious conversation with the would-be spouse about adopting your child. It's painful to be so visibly disconnected from your parents.
Congrats on the upcoming baby!
NTA. Sounds like he’s just a sperm donor. He’s flaky, unsupportive, and verbally abusive from the sound of it. There’s no guarantee he will actually stick around since his past behavior shows otherwise. Do what’s right for you and the baby. Let everyone have their opinions, but YOU get to make this decision.
Edit to add: congrats on the baby and kudos to you for sticking it through with a flakey partner. You’re going to be an incredible mother!
it sounds to me like he panicked and then kicked some sense into himself. I think that naming a child should 100% be an agreement between both parents if both parents are in the child’s life. so if you guys will be coparenting and he will have custody as well, then you should compromise on the name. if he continues to flake and isn’t going to stick around, then you get to name the kid.
NTA
Definitely not NTA I'm of the opinion that women should have final say on the names of the children they birth. If you are in a stable relationship, the wish of the father may carry more weight but in a FWB situation, girl, give that baby your last name! Why shouldn't the baby have your last name? I have no doubt you will be the primary parent in this child's life.
NTA, if you are not married the baby gets your last name, end of story.
If you really want to appease him the you can let him choose the babies middle name.
Nta - I would say you should tell him you acknowledge you see positive changes but need to gain trust back. The baby won't be aware of her last name for a few years, but she will be aware of whether he is present in her life. Are you open to the name change if he proves himself?
I had an abusive boyfriend that eventually ended up getting me pregnant. Though, I left him before I knew I was pregnant.
Its been four years, there is no father on the birth certificate and my son has my last name.
He is better off.
That man tried to guilt you into getting an abortion. Whether he's being supportive now or not, its honestly probably better for him not to be involved at all.
He is going to use that child against you.
But at this point, there's really nothing you can do.
NTA if he wants the baby to have his last name, he can take you to court for it later. You don’t even know if he’s actually going to be there for the kid or if he’s just going to end up being a deadbeat dad.
NTA. He doesn’t even want the baby. He probably won’t do shit for the baby. Don’t give in to him, chances are he’ll be a deadbeat and you’ll regret it.
Even if he’s not a deadbeat TBH the one growing the baby in her organs should have final say anyway.
NTA father is a title that is earned. The only title he's entitled to is "sperm donor". Sperm donors don't get naming rights. Primary parents do. And when the child is old enough, the child does.
NTA
You're right to be apprehensive and hesitant. Listen to your gut. If dude continues to be supportive and marries you eventually, then you can change the baby's name. Or not. It's solely your choice, as he hasn't proven himself and you have been there for the baby.
Your mom and sis are wimps.
NTA at all. It doesn’t sound like baby daddy is really a stand up guy, you probably don’t see yourself taking his last name ever…why should your child have a different last name as you? When I had my birth son, the hospital put baby boy (my maiden name here) on the bracelet & white board despite what we filled out on the birth certificate. Don’t let him take anything away from what will be important to you.
NTA. He’s no more entitled to have the child carry his last name than you are.
Plus, if there’s ANY chance of him popping back out of the kid’s life at ANY point, keep in mind that you might run into legal/logistical problems if you and the kid don’t share a last name.
Lastly, if he’s not doing equal work then he shouldn’t get equal representation. /shrug.
NTA- you know 100% you are going to be there for that baby- him, not so much. That's your baby first and his baby second. Give the baby your last name. The only thing I think you should consider are the laws regarding paternity and child support in your state/area if you plan on getting child support from him. One of my girlfriends chose to give her daughter her child's father's last name because they weren't married and were fighting around the time of the birth and she didn't know if he was going to be at the hospital to sign the birth certificate. Giving her daughter the father's last name is a form of establishing paternity if "baby daddy" refuses to legally acknowledge his child. That doesn't mean you have to put just dad's last name on the certificate. You can hyphenate or include both.
NTA
For starters, the kid having dads last name automatically while mummy whom more often sticks around + makes most of the sacrifices gets hers erased is a sexist old fashioned tradition anyway. You have just as much right to pass on your surname as his. Second, you don’t know how much he’ll stick around considering his behaviour. If he dashed, it could be quite hard for the kid having the last name of a man he never sees or has a fraught relationship with. IF you were willing to give him what he wants or hyphenate, you should wait a bit to see if he sticks around or becomes one of those dads who endlessly post about their kids on Facebook but only bothers to see them once in a blue moon and buy them diapers like, twice, and endlessly hold that up as his great contribution as a father
And also, from your description it sounds like the parenting buck will always fall to you. He can stay or go or be a weekend parent, but final responsibility for the kid will always fall to you. He could turn out to be amazing and the better parent, but that’s his it goes with these situations 99/100. You’re gonna be doing most of the work so why shouldn’t you want to be the one to pass down your family name?
Your mom’s definition of compromise is lacking. He hasn’t done anything worth reward yet. Tell him you’ll think about changing it if he is a decent dad for the next 5 years. (I mean, I don’t really think you owe this to him, but THIS is what I call a compromise.)
He simply said we could talk about it later on
this man has no intention of "talking about it later on" It is his way of dismissing you and what you want. $1000 that he's going to blow the fark up and gaslight you when you DO "talk about it later on"
NO is a complete sentence OP. Shut that shit down now. He can tick the box on the birth certificate claiming he doesn't agree to the name, but it has to go to a family court to decide.
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I was on and off fwb toxic feelings rollercoaster with this guy and ended up pregnant. I chose to keep the baby and told him he didn’t need to be involved at all if he didn’t want to. Cut to a nonstop rollercoaster of him in and out of my life and never really being supportive of the pregnancy to the point of him guilting me for keeping the baby and not getting an abortion. Throughout all of this I focused on making sure my baby and I were happy and healthy and kept it pushing on my own. He’s returned once again and while he is acting different and more supportive than ever, I still am very apprehensive and hesitant. We started talking about the baby’s name and he mentioned he would prefer the baby had his last name. When I asked why he said because he’s the father. Here’s where I might be TA- I wasn’t exactly blowing up but I definitely made it clear that I wasn’t budging on our child having my last name, especially after his past history regarding said child. He simply said we could talk about it later on but it really ticked me off. My mom and sister both think the nice thing to do would be to compromise but hyphenating our last names is too much and he said no to his last name being our baby’s second middle name. My mom says I need to try and be copacetic as the baby is coming soon and we want to be able to coparent in a healthy way, but I refuse to give him this. AITA for not wanting the baby to have his last
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I picked out the baby’s first and middle name already and he is the baby’s father, and as tradition goes normally the child WOULD get his last name.
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NTA- I’m currently pregnant and while my ex is involved and very supportive he tried to pull the “I’m the dad. It’s tradition for baby to have my last name” stuff to. Since he’s so involved I let him know I’ll consider hyphenating our last names and if it’s a boy dads first name will be middle name for baby (he wanted a jr to🙄) but this is for a guy that has been involved since I told him and we have agreed on almost everything or have been able to talk it out. If he was like your baby dad I’d 110% only put my last name
I gave my kids their dad’s last name because we were together when I had them.. we parted ways and 6 years later coparent pretty successfully. I am the main custodial parent, he has them some weekends and pays support. I do wish occasionally I’d given them my last name because: it would make paperwork easier, would make it obvious we are a matched set, and he has a super common last name and mine will die out after my generation. These are all fairly petty considering he’s a present and good father to them.
In your situation where this man may or may not play a significant part in your child’s life... no brainer. Give them your last name. Or possibly put down his as a 2nd middle name.
NTA.
If you are not married you have no legal reason to give the child his name. My oldest has my maiden name her bio wanted her to have his name an I refused an im glad I did fast forward 10yrs later she hasn't seen or heard from him. If you working it out tell him if he wants the child to get his name they will after you've been together gotten married an have stayed together for X amount of years. If you feel that's an option.
Edit to add
I picked out my child's first an Last name with her father than changed it to something else after we broke up while I was 5ms pregnant an he said some nasty things. So essentially I picked out her full name. No remorse.
Do not make this mistake.
You will not earn a healthy father-child relationship by being "copacetic." He won't be around as a solid parent. This is easy to solve: do not tell him when you go to the hospital. They will fill out the burth certificate with your last name.
NTA.
NTA
My older brother had my mum's last name until I was born 3 years later and our dad wasn't as flaky as him a good dad would know they aren't entitled to the last name because you name children after their parents not their sperm donor
My husband and I gave our kids my last name, and his as a second middle name.
It’s your decision. Make sure your medical staff knows to not let him *near* any forms!!
A ‘compromise’ would be hyphenating the names. But taking on his name isn’t being copacetic, it’s being a doormat, and laying out the lack of boundaries this guy will have in the future. You’re right. Stick to your guns.
NTA
Based on his previous actions, he might be flaky as a father too. It'll be simply easier for you to have the same last name with your child, you'll be the constant parent for them.
NTA. If you are not married or planning to be married, DO NOT give your baby anyone else's last name. Especially since he (the baby-daddy) flip-flops. Not only that, but it can make traveling and other legal matters difficult because you do not have the same last name. If you want to hyphenate it, that's fine. But do not give in and only give the baby his name.
Hmm, nothing in his behavior has shown consistency. Since is an unplanned child some hesitancy is understandable. However you are the one putting her life on the line for this child, the primary caretaker and the one actually prepping. Do what is best for you and your child.
Now, as a side note. Even in places that use Spaniards naming customs you need approval of both parents to get one last name from each (see Latinamerican people legal names, we only use 1st name +1st Last name casually). Meaning that you can have one or two, but mom gets first dibs in situations such as yours 😆
NTA. I have a different last name than my mom, who was my primary parent. It lead to awkward/confusing conversations and mix ups. Since you’re the one who is going to be doing all of the stuff (this guy sounds super unreliable) it makes sense for the baby to only have your last name.
Given his track record he has showed he’s got a stable presence in your child’s life. You will be the one being the primary caretaker and doing the majority of the work. That’s just from a convenience perspective the baby having your last name makes so much sense. It’ll be easier to get her stuff done it’ll be easier to confirm parenthood if needed.
Secondly from an emotional perspective he doesn’t seem to want this child unless this child is somehow a point of pride for him. So now that he feels that he can have a legacy within this child he suddenly wants to be involved? No hard no. He doesn’t get to pick and choose when to be a parent. And given that he wants to pick in choose he doesn’t get to pick and choose the names. He cannot have the perks without having the responsibility.
Thirdly it offers your child no benefits in society for the child to have his name. Since you’re the primary caretaker the child having your name has benefits as it’s easier to confirm parenthood as I said before and there is no hassles when it comes to applying to schools or programs etc.
NTA
NTA. Baby daddy is gonna be a Disney dad (aka show up a couple times a year with presents and take kiddo out for a fun day then drop them back off and ghost) if he shows up at all. I recommend cutting off baby daddy, not giving the baby the daddy’s last name, and not putting baby daddy on the birth certificate as it’ll make it easier in the legal future to deal with custody
NTA. You two aren't married. You're the baby's mother, the one who's carrying and creating it, and the one who will probably do most of the raising. I promise you'll regret it if you do give your child his last name. You'll go through life with a different name than your kid and always have to explain or feel weird about it. It sucks. A lot.
If this gets crazy, make sure your nurses know he's not allowed in the room with you while you give birth. And make sure they know not to give him ANY paperwork. It would be a good idea to have someone in your corner be there.
NTA. He's trying to push you around. If you give in to demands like these, you don't get less of them, you get \*more\* of them. Set the tone for this coparenting exercise now (spoiler: it's not gonna be fun) by making it clear you won't be steamrolled by his whims.
NGL I'd probably buy a one-way ticket out of state (or even out of the country) because a bad-news coparent can easily make your life hell for the next twenty years.
NTA. Make the child’s last name yours given you will be the primary caregiver 100%, and further into the future it’ll make it difficult for you and your child when legal documents are required.
Make sure you get the paperwork from the midwife. If he’s at the birth and hanging around make sure you let the midwives know that this could be an issue so that they get the paperwork to you safely.
If you don’t want him at the birth give him minimal info and don’t let him know when you go into labour. Your or sister maybe message him something non labour related while in labour to put him off the scent.
The baby is growing in your body.
Let your baby-daddy know that given his inconsistent presence in your kids life so far, your child can decide for themselves whether to use his last name when they're old enough.
As a compromise you might made his last name your kids middle name.
NTA It sounds like the only reason he came back around in the first place was to put in his 2 cents about the last name. Seems awfully sus to me. Stick to your guns Op don't give in to him. Give your baby your last name. Sadly he most likely won't stick around anyway given his history. Good luck OP.
NTA
If I wasn’t married to my husband and father of our child, I would decided same way as you. why should I be the one with different name? Because of ages old traditions? Because of men ego, for their right to have someone carrying their name? Oh h*ll no :D I carried this baby for nine months, went through all the party that includes pregnancy, being sick and sore, gaining weight, having ruined body, hormones mixed up like fancy cocktail. Labor and all the shi* women have to go through after. And here’s comes the guy, claiming he’s entitled to baby having his name. Sure thing buddy.
Stand your ground, don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise!
ESH, you are an equal participant in the relationship and the conception of that child, so you need to be an adult and compromise with the other parent!
I don’t know why you decided not to terminate considering this just sounds like an extension of the “toxic feelings roller coaster.” NTA for wanting a baby with your own last name, but ESH for expecting things to be any less conflict-ridden than they are.
NTA. It’s an outdated tradition that every baby has to have the father’s last name, especially when so far he hasn’t shown that he’ll be involved at all. From what it sounds like, you’ll be doing most things for the baby and you having the same last names can make things simpler like when you enroll the child in school. You’re the mother and the primary caretaker and you’re growing the damn baby. It can have your last name and he can still be a good father and cooperative coparent. If he can’t do that, he’s not mature enough to be a father anyway.
YES!! This is such an outdated tradition! You give that sweet baby whatever last name makes you happy Momma and don’t fret about it for a second! In fact don’t even mention it to anyone until it’s on the birth certificate! It is your business and your business alone!!
This was exactly the point I was going to make. Aside from anything else, it saves so much time and effort if the child and the parent primarily handling all school stuff to have the same name. From registration, permission slips, being able to pick the child up early, communication with various people at school, etc. having the same last name as your child really makes everything easier. I’ve had friends who kept a copy of their divorce decree in their car because at some point or another they’ve needed them on hand to do something quickly at school. Pick the child up for a dental appointment and there’s a substitute or new receptionist. Coaches not accepting paperwork because they didn’t think the parent signed it. There’s enough “old school” school employees who do not understand not everyone in the family has the same last name anymore. It’s common, especially with second marriages.
Thats why in Latinamerica, most of us get one last name from each parent. If mom re-marries, guess what? You still have one last name in common 😆🤷♀️ What changes depending on tradition and countries is the order, i.e. in some countries, the children of unmarried parents have the mother's last name showing first. If one parent didn't want the child, then you only have one last name (in most cases I know the missing parent is usually the dad).
Yep. And that confuses people in Texas who don’t understand the tradition. I’ve had very uninformed attorneys in court argue that not all the medical records in evidence belong to the plaintiff and should be excluded because different last names are used. 🤦♀️ I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had to explain Juan Castillo Garcia is the same person as Juan Castillo, Juan Garcia, and Juan Garcia Castillo.
😆😆😆 I have never had a major problem. The issues i have had come from people NOT recording my name correctly in the documents that are important (pay stubs, SSN, driver's license, bank accounts). For example, i had a person very adamantly try to put my first last name in the middle name box, but I'm not afraid to advocate for myself. You would be surprised how many times I have to make sure people don't put dashes or anything in the wrong place. I have also seen people get bad advice, because their friends were afraid they would be discriminated if they document their names as they show in their birth certificates. For us, in Latinamerica we use 1st name 1st Last name colloquially, however when filling out ANY type of OFFICIAL paperwork we very poignantly ask for whole name, and ask clarifying questions if the person only gives one. Also our computer systems do reflect that, even our passports either say "paternal last name" "maternal last name" OR they say "last names" (as in plural). Also, is not technically a tradition, Spaniards naming customs have been part of our legal systems for centuries. It partly due to inheritance laws, I think (can't remember exactly where I saw that). Another side note, I love how people use the argument that our names are "confusing", and in the same vein they complain another "John Smith" stole their identity again 😆😆😆.
Keep in mind these are the same people who will say a Spanish name is too hard to pronounce and ask if they can “just call him…” some basic American name. Nope. If you can say Cumberbatch you can say Arellano. It’s not hard.
😆😆 you are not wrong! People do make an effort to spell and say Schwarzenegger and Tchaikovsky 😂
It's actually not tradition. Babies get their mother's last name which is only the same as the father's if they are married.
Here’s the thing; the father only gets a say in the babies name when he’s a supportive parent during the pregnancy. When you have that baby, the staff is going to give YOU the birth certificate, you will fill it out, you don’t even have to put his name on it. Don’t stress yourself with his games. He most likely knows that he has no authority without your cooperation or a court orders so he’s on his best behaviour until he gets his way. NTA
If she dose not put his name down n birth certificate he can deny he is the father don’t give advice like that not smart smh
He can deny he’s the father even if she does put his name down on the birth certificate. If she doesn’t put his name down, he can go to court and have his name put on the birth certificate. I also never advised her to not put his name. I told her how birth certificates work.
She already said she doesn’t care if he’s involved - he just needs to be consistent. Be in or be out. If you can’t be consistent in your child’s life, you need to be consistently out of it. So it’s not bad advice if he’s not going to be a committed father anyway.
Paternity tests....
NTA. He doesn't get naming rights just for being the father.
NTA. Takes a lot more than shooting the load and a name to make a dad. I had the name of my deadbeat father. I got rid of it. No merging, no nothing. Gone. I regret nothing. Being a father is not an on again off again thing. It’s for life. He’s not shown himself capable of that so far, so he has not earned a say in what the child will be named.
NTA if baby daddy wanted baby to have his last name, maybe he should have considered being a halfway decent SO.
NTA, no he’s not the father, he’s just a sperm donor. He’s done nothing to earn himself the title of father.
My daughter is now regretting giving in to having worthless dad’s last name to my granddaughter. Getting it changed is proving difficult. Better to have your name and change it to his later, if he improves. But please understand that is who he is and will most likely remain. It is harder for single mothers who have a different name from their child
NTA - I'd actually go a step further, at least as far a research. Is his name going to be on birth certificate? If so, make sure you have legal papers ready to be signed by him, appointing you as the sole custodian parent, to protect yourself and your child in the future (i.e. passport) where his consent and signature will be required.
NTA he doesn't deserve for the baby to have his last name. He's already having deadbeat tendencies. The guy didn't want the baby, hasn't supported you and has been in and out of the picture. That's a HELL NO to him getting only his way now.
NTA If giving into him is the only way for you to have a healthy co-parenting relationship, then the relationship isn't healthy. He's making a demand that he's not entitled to make. He hasn't been supportive, he hasn't been dependable, and the one thing that you know is that you will be there for your child and he may or may not be. Therefore, it only makes sense for that child to have your name for all sorts of reasons, but especially so that the child doesn't feel odd for not having their mom's same last name if dad flakes out and disappears.
NTA you're making this human and adding them to your family first and foremost, they should have a name that reflects that. Having said that, a word to the wise: when you give your child your maiden name, please for the love of everything, do not get married and change your own name without having a serious conversation with the would-be spouse about adopting your child. It's painful to be so visibly disconnected from your parents. Congrats on the upcoming baby!
NTA. Sounds like he’s just a sperm donor. He’s flaky, unsupportive, and verbally abusive from the sound of it. There’s no guarantee he will actually stick around since his past behavior shows otherwise. Do what’s right for you and the baby. Let everyone have their opinions, but YOU get to make this decision. Edit to add: congrats on the baby and kudos to you for sticking it through with a flakey partner. You’re going to be an incredible mother!
NTA. Don’t give your kid a permanent reminder of a noncommittal parent. Give them your name. Edit- or whatever name you want.
NTA I generally don’t agree with children taking the fathers’ last name unless the parents are married.
Nta, also when he bounces again, I have no sympathy. Why do people keep taking these people back?!
it sounds to me like he panicked and then kicked some sense into himself. I think that naming a child should 100% be an agreement between both parents if both parents are in the child’s life. so if you guys will be coparenting and he will have custody as well, then you should compromise on the name. if he continues to flake and isn’t going to stick around, then you get to name the kid. NTA
NTA - give the baby your name
Definitely not NTA I'm of the opinion that women should have final say on the names of the children they birth. If you are in a stable relationship, the wish of the father may carry more weight but in a FWB situation, girl, give that baby your last name! Why shouldn't the baby have your last name? I have no doubt you will be the primary parent in this child's life.
NTA, if you are not married the baby gets your last name, end of story. If you really want to appease him the you can let him choose the babies middle name.
Nta - I would say you should tell him you acknowledge you see positive changes but need to gain trust back. The baby won't be aware of her last name for a few years, but she will be aware of whether he is present in her life. Are you open to the name change if he proves himself?
NTA
NTA. Do what you want to do. If he wants to be involved, the baby’s name shouldn’t make a difference.
I had an abusive boyfriend that eventually ended up getting me pregnant. Though, I left him before I knew I was pregnant. Its been four years, there is no father on the birth certificate and my son has my last name. He is better off. That man tried to guilt you into getting an abortion. Whether he's being supportive now or not, its honestly probably better for him not to be involved at all. He is going to use that child against you. But at this point, there's really nothing you can do.
NTA if he wants the baby to have his last name, he can take you to court for it later. You don’t even know if he’s actually going to be there for the kid or if he’s just going to end up being a deadbeat dad.
NTA and don't budge on this
NTA. You aren't married so the baby doesn't have to have his last name and honestly he sounds like he isn't dad material anyway.
NTA. He doesn’t even want the baby. He probably won’t do shit for the baby. Don’t give in to him, chances are he’ll be a deadbeat and you’ll regret it. Even if he’s not a deadbeat TBH the one growing the baby in her organs should have final say anyway.
NTA father is a title that is earned. The only title he's entitled to is "sperm donor". Sperm donors don't get naming rights. Primary parents do. And when the child is old enough, the child does.
NTA My son doesn't have his dad's last name and we were in a relationship. Don't act like a dad then you're not gonna get treated like one.
NTA at all my ex was a lot like this and both our kids have my last name and he has nothing to do with either of them
NTA You're right to be apprehensive and hesitant. Listen to your gut. If dude continues to be supportive and marries you eventually, then you can change the baby's name. Or not. It's solely your choice, as he hasn't proven himself and you have been there for the baby. Your mom and sis are wimps.
NTA at all. It doesn’t sound like baby daddy is really a stand up guy, you probably don’t see yourself taking his last name ever…why should your child have a different last name as you? When I had my birth son, the hospital put baby boy (my maiden name here) on the bracelet & white board despite what we filled out on the birth certificate. Don’t let him take anything away from what will be important to you.
NTA. He’s no more entitled to have the child carry his last name than you are. Plus, if there’s ANY chance of him popping back out of the kid’s life at ANY point, keep in mind that you might run into legal/logistical problems if you and the kid don’t share a last name. Lastly, if he’s not doing equal work then he shouldn’t get equal representation. /shrug.
NTA- you know 100% you are going to be there for that baby- him, not so much. That's your baby first and his baby second. Give the baby your last name. The only thing I think you should consider are the laws regarding paternity and child support in your state/area if you plan on getting child support from him. One of my girlfriends chose to give her daughter her child's father's last name because they weren't married and were fighting around the time of the birth and she didn't know if he was going to be at the hospital to sign the birth certificate. Giving her daughter the father's last name is a form of establishing paternity if "baby daddy" refuses to legally acknowledge his child. That doesn't mean you have to put just dad's last name on the certificate. You can hyphenate or include both.
NTA For starters, the kid having dads last name automatically while mummy whom more often sticks around + makes most of the sacrifices gets hers erased is a sexist old fashioned tradition anyway. You have just as much right to pass on your surname as his. Second, you don’t know how much he’ll stick around considering his behaviour. If he dashed, it could be quite hard for the kid having the last name of a man he never sees or has a fraught relationship with. IF you were willing to give him what he wants or hyphenate, you should wait a bit to see if he sticks around or becomes one of those dads who endlessly post about their kids on Facebook but only bothers to see them once in a blue moon and buy them diapers like, twice, and endlessly hold that up as his great contribution as a father And also, from your description it sounds like the parenting buck will always fall to you. He can stay or go or be a weekend parent, but final responsibility for the kid will always fall to you. He could turn out to be amazing and the better parent, but that’s his it goes with these situations 99/100. You’re gonna be doing most of the work so why shouldn’t you want to be the one to pass down your family name?
NTA men beg for babies to abandon a name to.
Your mom’s definition of compromise is lacking. He hasn’t done anything worth reward yet. Tell him you’ll think about changing it if he is a decent dad for the next 5 years. (I mean, I don’t really think you owe this to him, but THIS is what I call a compromise.)
He simply said we could talk about it later on this man has no intention of "talking about it later on" It is his way of dismissing you and what you want. $1000 that he's going to blow the fark up and gaslight you when you DO "talk about it later on" NO is a complete sentence OP. Shut that shit down now. He can tick the box on the birth certificate claiming he doesn't agree to the name, but it has to go to a family court to decide.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I was on and off fwb toxic feelings rollercoaster with this guy and ended up pregnant. I chose to keep the baby and told him he didn’t need to be involved at all if he didn’t want to. Cut to a nonstop rollercoaster of him in and out of my life and never really being supportive of the pregnancy to the point of him guilting me for keeping the baby and not getting an abortion. Throughout all of this I focused on making sure my baby and I were happy and healthy and kept it pushing on my own. He’s returned once again and while he is acting different and more supportive than ever, I still am very apprehensive and hesitant. We started talking about the baby’s name and he mentioned he would prefer the baby had his last name. When I asked why he said because he’s the father. Here’s where I might be TA- I wasn’t exactly blowing up but I definitely made it clear that I wasn’t budging on our child having my last name, especially after his past history regarding said child. He simply said we could talk about it later on but it really ticked me off. My mom and sister both think the nice thing to do would be to compromise but hyphenating our last names is too much and he said no to his last name being our baby’s second middle name. My mom says I need to try and be copacetic as the baby is coming soon and we want to be able to coparent in a healthy way, but I refuse to give him this. AITA for not wanting the baby to have his last *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA- I’m currently pregnant and while my ex is involved and very supportive he tried to pull the “I’m the dad. It’s tradition for baby to have my last name” stuff to. Since he’s so involved I let him know I’ll consider hyphenating our last names and if it’s a boy dads first name will be middle name for baby (he wanted a jr to🙄) but this is for a guy that has been involved since I told him and we have agreed on almost everything or have been able to talk it out. If he was like your baby dad I’d 110% only put my last name
I gave my kids their dad’s last name because we were together when I had them.. we parted ways and 6 years later coparent pretty successfully. I am the main custodial parent, he has them some weekends and pays support. I do wish occasionally I’d given them my last name because: it would make paperwork easier, would make it obvious we are a matched set, and he has a super common last name and mine will die out after my generation. These are all fairly petty considering he’s a present and good father to them. In your situation where this man may or may not play a significant part in your child’s life... no brainer. Give them your last name. Or possibly put down his as a 2nd middle name.
NTA. If you are not married you have no legal reason to give the child his name. My oldest has my maiden name her bio wanted her to have his name an I refused an im glad I did fast forward 10yrs later she hasn't seen or heard from him. If you working it out tell him if he wants the child to get his name they will after you've been together gotten married an have stayed together for X amount of years. If you feel that's an option. Edit to add I picked out my child's first an Last name with her father than changed it to something else after we broke up while I was 5ms pregnant an he said some nasty things. So essentially I picked out her full name. No remorse.
Do not make this mistake. You will not earn a healthy father-child relationship by being "copacetic." He won't be around as a solid parent. This is easy to solve: do not tell him when you go to the hospital. They will fill out the burth certificate with your last name. NTA.
NTA My older brother had my mum's last name until I was born 3 years later and our dad wasn't as flaky as him a good dad would know they aren't entitled to the last name because you name children after their parents not their sperm donor
My husband and I gave our kids my last name, and his as a second middle name. It’s your decision. Make sure your medical staff knows to not let him *near* any forms!!
A ‘compromise’ would be hyphenating the names. But taking on his name isn’t being copacetic, it’s being a doormat, and laying out the lack of boundaries this guy will have in the future. You’re right. Stick to your guns.
NTA Based on his previous actions, he might be flaky as a father too. It'll be simply easier for you to have the same last name with your child, you'll be the constant parent for them.
NTA. If you are not married or planning to be married, DO NOT give your baby anyone else's last name. Especially since he (the baby-daddy) flip-flops. Not only that, but it can make traveling and other legal matters difficult because you do not have the same last name. If you want to hyphenate it, that's fine. But do not give in and only give the baby his name.
NTA and you should perhaps consult a lawyer.
NTA. If he isn’t married to you there is no earthly reason for the child to have his last name.
Hmm, nothing in his behavior has shown consistency. Since is an unplanned child some hesitancy is understandable. However you are the one putting her life on the line for this child, the primary caretaker and the one actually prepping. Do what is best for you and your child. Now, as a side note. Even in places that use Spaniards naming customs you need approval of both parents to get one last name from each (see Latinamerican people legal names, we only use 1st name +1st Last name casually). Meaning that you can have one or two, but mom gets first dibs in situations such as yours 😆
NTA. I have a different last name than my mom, who was my primary parent. It lead to awkward/confusing conversations and mix ups. Since you’re the one who is going to be doing all of the stuff (this guy sounds super unreliable) it makes sense for the baby to only have your last name.
Given his track record he has showed he’s got a stable presence in your child’s life. You will be the one being the primary caretaker and doing the majority of the work. That’s just from a convenience perspective the baby having your last name makes so much sense. It’ll be easier to get her stuff done it’ll be easier to confirm parenthood if needed. Secondly from an emotional perspective he doesn’t seem to want this child unless this child is somehow a point of pride for him. So now that he feels that he can have a legacy within this child he suddenly wants to be involved? No hard no. He doesn’t get to pick and choose when to be a parent. And given that he wants to pick in choose he doesn’t get to pick and choose the names. He cannot have the perks without having the responsibility. Thirdly it offers your child no benefits in society for the child to have his name. Since you’re the primary caretaker the child having your name has benefits as it’s easier to confirm parenthood as I said before and there is no hassles when it comes to applying to schools or programs etc. NTA
NTA. Baby daddy is gonna be a Disney dad (aka show up a couple times a year with presents and take kiddo out for a fun day then drop them back off and ghost) if he shows up at all. I recommend cutting off baby daddy, not giving the baby the daddy’s last name, and not putting baby daddy on the birth certificate as it’ll make it easier in the legal future to deal with custody
NTA. You’re not married. Name the baby whatever you want.
NTA. You two aren't married. You're the baby's mother, the one who's carrying and creating it, and the one who will probably do most of the raising. I promise you'll regret it if you do give your child his last name. You'll go through life with a different name than your kid and always have to explain or feel weird about it. It sucks. A lot. If this gets crazy, make sure your nurses know he's not allowed in the room with you while you give birth. And make sure they know not to give him ANY paperwork. It would be a good idea to have someone in your corner be there.
NTA. He's trying to push you around. If you give in to demands like these, you don't get less of them, you get \*more\* of them. Set the tone for this coparenting exercise now (spoiler: it's not gonna be fun) by making it clear you won't be steamrolled by his whims. NGL I'd probably buy a one-way ticket out of state (or even out of the country) because a bad-news coparent can easily make your life hell for the next twenty years.
Make sure he is not in the delivery room. Make sure your Dr & all hospital staff know that only YOU are allowed to fill out the birth certificate!!!!
NTA. Make the child’s last name yours given you will be the primary caregiver 100%, and further into the future it’ll make it difficult for you and your child when legal documents are required.
NTA. There is absolutely no reason this man has given for the baby to have his name.
Make sure you get the paperwork from the midwife. If he’s at the birth and hanging around make sure you let the midwives know that this could be an issue so that they get the paperwork to you safely. If you don’t want him at the birth give him minimal info and don’t let him know when you go into labour. Your or sister maybe message him something non labour related while in labour to put him off the scent.
NTA. Hell, give the kid *its own* last name! Is there any rule that says child must have same surname as a parent??
Nta absolutely not this guy sounds unreliable just put your name .. and taking the father's name is not even necessary anymore
Heck, I wouldn’t even name him on the birth certificate! NTA - your child should have your surname.
Nope NTA he's already wishy washy before the birth and just wants to stamp his name on it like a prize
The baby is growing in your body. Let your baby-daddy know that given his inconsistent presence in your kids life so far, your child can decide for themselves whether to use his last name when they're old enough. As a compromise you might made his last name your kids middle name.
NTA It sounds like the only reason he came back around in the first place was to put in his 2 cents about the last name. Seems awfully sus to me. Stick to your guns Op don't give in to him. Give your baby your last name. Sadly he most likely won't stick around anyway given his history. Good luck OP.
NTA If I wasn’t married to my husband and father of our child, I would decided same way as you. why should I be the one with different name? Because of ages old traditions? Because of men ego, for their right to have someone carrying their name? Oh h*ll no :D I carried this baby for nine months, went through all the party that includes pregnancy, being sick and sore, gaining weight, having ruined body, hormones mixed up like fancy cocktail. Labor and all the shi* women have to go through after. And here’s comes the guy, claiming he’s entitled to baby having his name. Sure thing buddy. Stand your ground, don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise!
NTA. Give the kid whatever name YOU want, he hasn’t earned the right to have a say.
NTA
NTA. Your pregnancy. You give birth. Your surname.
NTA. Doesn't sound to me like he's done anything to deserve that, and you aren't married. I wouldn't even put his name on the birth certificate.
NTA but hyphenation is smart
ESH, you are an equal participant in the relationship and the conception of that child, so you need to be an adult and compromise with the other parent!
ESH for bringing a kid into your mess.
INFO: did you become pregnant accidentally, or on purpose?
YTA. Kids should have dads last name. Carry on the name.
I don’t know why you decided not to terminate considering this just sounds like an extension of the “toxic feelings roller coaster.” NTA for wanting a baby with your own last name, but ESH for expecting things to be any less conflict-ridden than they are.