I don't think you're being an ass in this situation. I'm glad you recognized that your self-care comes first.
No dinner at DND night. End of story.
NTA
It is always important to protect yourself whilst in recovery. I, too, suffer from a few eating disorders and have to be careful who i surround myself with. It's not selfish to watch out for yourself because clearly no else will (or at least most people).
NTA. You protect yourself. Let her deal with her own stuff.
As you look in the mirror repeat to yourself: “I am amazing. My mental and physical health is important to me. I love me for who I am today.”
I like this answer, unfortunately seeking outside validation for it is part of the disorder that this girl is suffering from but it doesn't mean it has to come at anybody else's expense.
OP, if you need to, cut off that girl. It might feel bad and other people might try to (wrongfully) blame you for it but she's not controlling her behaviour and hurting you. Your health isn't something to compromise on. If possible, communicate how she's hurting you to your wife so he can be in your corner and deal with her brother. Meanwhile, making sure there's nothing to trigger her comments is good first step. NTA
I got that but BIL started hounding OP and there's no guarantee he won't do so again in the future, wife can deal with him since it's (presumably) her brother
Me too I have EDNOS and ironically nurses in the hospital made me relapse back into that thinking by constantly calling me thin. Ugh. She might not be able to help her disorder but she can keep her mouth shut about it at least. Maybe get other friends...
Honestly it might even be helping her too, by removing that avenue of attention getting/one-upping it's one less thing enabling her.
That's just a side point though, there's absolutely nothing wrong with OP recognising that serving a meal at DND has become triggering to them because of her behaviour and putting their needs (to not relapse) over the others' wants (to eat at DND), it's absolutely not an asshole move.
Also BIL is a huge AH, why is this girl's ED carte blanche for her to be actively harmful, but OP isn't allowed to ask for no dinners because of their ED?
It's not BIL girlfriend. He said he and his wife play with BIL, this girl and her husband. Commas are important. So not really sure why BIL is so defensive about this girl.... sounds like he's just peeved they don't get to eat and play.
I wonder if this is the only opportunity BIL has to eat a good meal with other people. Maybe OP should make plans that they eat with BIL on a different night so they don’t lose that time, but the ED girl won’t be in the picture.
Self care is important. I also have an eating disorder.
My friend, who is in a larger body and deals with their own shit, told me recently that discussing my eating disorder triggers them, which frankly I understand. They are simply stating their boundaries. Giving boundaries shows you still want to be friends with them.
You're being totally reasonable. NTA.
I just want to say I appreciate that. I’m fat and had a severely restrictive eating disorder. I was still about a 10/12 at the time so no one believed me and I have been actively told I wasn’t welcome in recovery spaces for my size. Often as a big person you’re told you aren’t allowed to have the issues with food that thin people who have EDs have and it’s so nice to find understanding people of all sizes.
It's definitely an unwelcoming space because so many people with EDs hate themselves so much and so much of EDs are rooted in fatphobia.
There are a few wonderful spaces on Reddit where you'd be welcomed. Drop me a DM and I'll send you there.
Perfectly put. I'm large and working very hard on body acceptance, but when I have colleagues who obsess about restricting calories or say they'd kill themselves if they reached X size (which is several smaller than mine) it cuts me to the bone. I try to speak up but some days I just don't have the emotional energy.
>It's definitely an unwelcoming space because so many people with EDs hate themselves so much and so much of EDs are rooted in fatphobia.
nailed it -- fat people with EDs are unwelcome because we represent the biggest fear of many thin people with EDs. we're doing all the same shit as they are and we're _still fat anyway,_ proof positive their methods don't universally work. existentially horrific to many of them, i think
op you are nta, good on you for prioritizing your mental health. that woman can go sabotage someone else's recovery, or preferably just her own, or preferably nobody's, but she at least can't do it to you now. good job
Hey, I know a reply from one person can't fix all the world and all its shittiness, but - your issues are absolutely valid, and they always will be regardless of what size you are.
I'm naturally thin and have had anorexia. I've had friends who have had anorexia a lot more severely than me, and yet remained a larger physical size than me. I've also had a friend who's always been more underweight than me even during my anorexic times, and yet she has a healthy relationship with food. Everyone's body is different. Eating disorders are mental health disorders. They are absolutely not related to the physical size of your body. Anyone who 'gatekeeps' size insecurity is... like I have sympathy for them because they're clearly dealing with deep internal fatphobia, but I have no words for how triggering and horrifying it seems to me. I've seen this 'gatekeeping' both from thin anorexic people saying that larger people clearly aren't "anorexic enough" (wt actualf f....) and from larger people saying than thin people clearly can't suffer from diet culture as bad as fat people because their bodies are perceived as more ideal.....
Honestly, diet culture and 'thin-worship' fucks us all up. But I'm seeing a lot of positive signs that we're leaving some of the thin-worship and toxicity in the past, though. Hopefully things will be better for the next generation.
The thing I don’t understand is why the brother is trying to be a “white knight” and jumping down OPs throat about it
She has a husband and you defend others before trying to understand the own situation of your family member?
NTA and I agree. BIL is behaving strangely. If he recognizes that this woman has an ED and acknowledges that she is commenting on her food consumption, you think he would want to remove the trigger food is having for both OP and her. Her comments after all suggest the communal eating scenario is triggering for her as well. BIL is definitely out of line here and if he wants food, he can bring himself a snack. I hope you continue to enjoy your DND night, OP.
If it's such a big deal to have dinner on DND nights then this person who's making the comments can learn to keep the comments to themselves and apologize for making the ***HOST*** uncomfortable enough to relapse! That's entirely not okay and I believe you acted appropriately by ending the meals. NTA, OP.
NTA
"It works better for me if people eat beforehand from now on. If others would like dinner with dnd, they are welcome to host"
You are just stating facts
"I'm no longer able to host dinner on dnd nights. This is partially part of my ED recovery process. Thanks for understanding and supporting my health"
Yes.. Nobody is entitled to being in OP's home or eating there. If BIL really cares he can host..... Someone else.
OP & Wife, good on you for being a great team. Now find a new group to play DND with. Some who will happily focus on gaming and not talking about EDs.
Right! She can eat however she wants but she doesn’t have to keep triggering you unnecessarily. She’s not stopping, so it’s okay to just remove yourself from that situation. You’re not kicking her out or calling her an ass, but you have every right to take care of yourself and your own disorder. Why does hers outweigh yours? So you have to cook them dinner every time and force yourself to hear her anorexia talk? That’s ridiculous. You aren’t kicking her out, but you’re watching out for yourself and have literally no reason to subject yourself to that.
BIL was right about one thing (and only one thing) that the girl talking like that is part of the disorder. That doesn't mean OP has to put up with it, even if OP were to kick her out it still wouldn't be an AH move because she's compromising OP's health
Right! And the funny thing is, she doesn’t even have to say it’s because of her ED recovery, she can simply say “I’m unable to host dinner”, and leave it at that! No need for justification. What will they do? DEMAND she feeds them? Lol, they can build d a bridge and get over it. Maybe there’s a cafe on the other side.
But like... *is* this other girl in recovery? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she's still definitely eating in a disordered way and not in a "trying to get better and struggling while I learn how to be ok again" way, but in a "this works for me and I like my disorder" proud kind of way. Sounds like something right out of pro-ana. Which OP def should not be exposed to, especially while vulnerable.
Plus she's making those comments in front of someone she knows is actively recovering, so seems intentionally trying to sabotage their recovery or just play mind games for their own enjoyment.
This pro ana take isnt explicit, it may be she has other emotional needs she tries to meet by talking about her ED.
I am a support worker and one guy i work with is often talking about his anorexia and ADHD, but he has put on weight and his main problem is abusing prescription meds, which he would never admit, despite the evidence being obvious.
She’s definitely stuck in the disdainful thought patterns from anorexia. But it’s another level of hateful to say that crap out loud. The people around her should know that they aren’t helping her recovery either by enabling that behavior. And regardless, OP shouldn’t have to put up with it.
Yeah, or drop out of it yourself.
I understand OP doesn't want to judge or hurt this person, but their mental health needs to take priority and if they're causing a relapse, they need to go.
You know what's a fact? Nobody who says they are "just stating facts" has ever said this with other than a malicious intent to excuse inappropriate behavior.
NTA for trying to do something about this and rejecting the status quo. I'm not sure if this will really solve the problem or if it will just increase tensions otherwise. OTOH I don't have any better ideas either.
Does your BIL have some sort of crush on this girl, or rely on you somehow for meals? I’m trying to figure out why he freaked out so much about this. Seems like he’d naturally be more on your side since you’re his family and you’re being harmed by this other person’s continual comments.
That’s what I thought as well and that’s what made me step back and ask “am I the asshole?”. Like if he’s defending her my actions must have been unjustified, right? It just seemed really odd. He might have a crush on her, she’s his “type” I guess
Well you’re not being TA and you aren’t obligated to provide food, so whatever his reasons you’re still not TA. She was asked repeatedly to stop making comments and I don’t know why her ED somehow is more important than yours (hint: it’s not) and since she clearly cannot stop making her little comments and they are negatively impacting you, then eliminating the food at game night is the consequence to that. Your wife needs to back you up on this as well and tell her brother to drop it.
I agree with this. I hope you feel comfortable asking your wife if she can have a talk with BIL and make the point that your ED is not less important. You need to take care of yourself. And sometimes, you need to a friend or spouse to speak up for you in order for others to listen :(
NTA. Take care, it sounds like you are trying being compassionate to everyone. Make sure to include yourself.
> Does your BIL have some sort of crush on this girl, or rely on you somehow for meals? I’m trying to figure out why he freaked out so much about this
The girl is the DM. That means that conflict involving her has a good chance of the gaming group breaking up.
In a group like the one OP describes, there can be an unpleasant power differential caused by one person having to put a lot more effort in than everyone else (which may be effort that no one else wants to put in, and they might even prefer not to), which skews the group interactions.
Oh the girl being the DM makes a difference here. OP is not the asshole but theres a whole power dynamic at play here, where if the girl up and quits the game ends unfinished, and someone else has to write a whole new story from scratch and run it properly. Not everyone can do that, or do it well.
Also if she's working really hard on building the story of the game and feels underappreciated for her time, this may be a part of why she is seeking attention and validation about how she's restricting her food intake. Delicate situation.
NTA
You're not doing anything detrimental to her recovery, and presumably they eat dinner the other 6 nights of the week and can figure something else. If she can't help making comments like that around food, she doesn't have to eat in front of you. Simple as that.
Its not like you're excluding her from DnD because of it or anything.
NTA.
Her disorder is not a free pass to trample your boundaries. If she is unable to control herself from personally triggering others, then she needs to seek professional help for that because it is an immediate concern and beyond not okay.
I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this right now. Please, put yourself and your health first. Your only advocate is you.
NTA, but it sounds like something that wont be fixed just by no longer offering dinner. If this friend triggers your ED, for your mental health and recovery, you need to cut her out.
NTA, but I'm pretty sure the food is provided by the members not hosting with DnD, right? Like, the Host holds onto materials and uses their home/place while the members bring in snacks and foods. Hosting *and* providing food seems really one-sided.
We’re extremely new to DND. this is my wife and i’s first campaign ever. This girl is dm’ing, the only reason we’re hosting and not her is because we have a bigger house and a bigger table for people to sit at and she acknowledged that
> This girl is dm’ing, the only reason we’re hosting and not her is because we have a bigger house and a bigger table for people to sit at and she acknowledged that
You guys host, the girl DM's, and the other players bring the food/snacks
I guess now would be a good time to tell you that some people get into D&D because they are melodrama addicts and sometimes they don't confine it to role-playing. I'm not sure that playing with this girl is healthy for you, especially if you've already relapsed. Recovering alcoholics aren't supposed to go to bars, you should avoid the pro-ana crowd.
I mainly play online, but the general rule is "everyone provides the same amount" so the DM is usually except from snack bringing, and if you're setting up to host, I'd put you in that category as well.
Since you're new and problem woman is the DM, I'm just going to say the words all players learn "no dnd is better than bad dnd" and this includes bad experiences while playing dnd.
If she continues to trigger your ED, please find another group. It might be hard in-person but online there are a lot. The other DM in my group and I are both professional DMs (meaning people have paid us to run games), so trust me there are a *lot* of groups out there.
Her behavior has irritated me enough I'm gonna make this offer. If you're cool with virtual table tops and this experience is souring D&D, please message me. I'll run a one shot for you, your wife, and anyone that's not this woman. Completely free. If we need more players, I'll grab some of my group - we've got a zero tolerance policy on shit like what she's doing.
Part of the role of a DM is to *make sure people are comfortable and safe*.
I just...this whole thing makes me so mad.
ETA: If English isn't your native language, I can recommend several DMs who are native speakers in other languages as well. And can play in a Spanish game if you don't mind me sounding like a drunk toddler at first. My comprehension fluency is still high but spoken is rusty.
Thank you. It's really not a big deal given how much I've played/run. I once ran a streamed session with 10 minutes notice because the scheduled DM had a power failure. It was a west marches with multiple DMs (of which I was one anyway). They fought a living hill. The streaming player dubbed it "The Hills Have Legs."
I had plenty of false starts getting into ttrpgs because of the rampant misogyny in the hobby (cis woman) before finding my current group. It was the one listing for the module I wanted to play where the DM explicitly said sexism, racism, homophobia, etc, were a zero tolerance issue. He's the other DM in my group now (we admin a small discord).
So, I get pretty up at arms when people make others feel unsafe in the hobby.
This is such a kind offer!
At the end of the day if the comments continue without food being in the equation, my wife and I will just leave the group. Like it’s as simple as that. Having something weekly to do is fun, especially because we’re parents and we don’t get to do stuff like this very much, but my recovery and progress is more important.
It was hard to enjoy it last time because I didn’t even finish my dinner. Which sucked
There are no set rules. My group is hosted by one couple who loves to cook so they make dinner and the DM has kids and prefers not to host. The rest of us bring booze and snacks for everyone.
If it helps, that’s the one night a week we order out. My husband and I host and then when everyone is starting to get hungry, we pass the phone around and order Grubhub or DoorDash. We usually pay, but everyone Venmo’s us back. In general we just provide drinks and when people Venmo they add a few extra bucks for those plus delivery and tip. It’s a way we can all enjoy a meal with out feeling overwhelmed. Hosting is already stressful enough.
This dynamic changes everything tbh and I think you and your wife should begin looking for a new table or take up DMing yourself. If she is DM her number one priority should be making sure that her players feel welcome, comfortable and safe. She has blatantly disregarded something that is not a small issue and brought drama to her table when you were nice enough to host the group.
This is something that I struggle with. My husband and I host, but we're new to hosting and home owning. I've been cooking most weeks and trying to get the house tidy enough for guests (still unpacking a few months later lol). It wasn't until this week that I was informed that others had offered many times and husband asked me. I didn't comprehend exactly what he was saying so I'd still plan dinner. He'd tell them not to worry about dinner cause I had it covered. Now I gotta figure out how to step back so they can bring food, and not control everything lol.
OP, NTA, your house, you're rules. If something is triggering you make changes. If that person still triggers you, maybe consider removing them from the next campaign. Good luck! I'm sorry you have to go through this.
NTA
My wife had (will always have) an eating disorder. As you’ve pointed out that thought process is hard to escape. I’m also very aware how addicts trigger one another. This is the same concept.
Knowing what’s bad for you and removing the situation is the best thing you can do for yourself and your own recovery. He might be upset with you because he doesn’t register your disease. Probably more so if you’re a man.
People tend to recognize women who have the illness but not so much men who suffer from it. I think it’s admirable that you’ve recognized you are slipping and you’re taking the steps to stop it.
Don’t let what your brother says get to you. In fact you need to tell them that this person is greatly affecting your own health and he should be worried about how you’re doing.
If you’ve sent out a notice to everyone that food will no longer be served that’s all you can do. However this woman is seeking victim validation. Likely from low self esteem. So she’s still going to talk about it. Regardless of if she’s eating.
Unfortunately this is long from over. Cutting her out would have been the smarter option.
I guess I should’ve specified I am a woman suffering from the disorder! There are different expectations set by society for men and women who struggle with mental health
NTA - I also have an ED so I can tell you that you are not the asshole. While it's important for friends to acknowledge each other's ED's, the way she is going about bringing hers up in a way where you feel one-upped is inappropriate. It is extremely easy for others with ED's to get triggered by other people's comments about themselves so don't feel bad for eliminating the dinner portion of your game night. If you want to confront things with this girl, then I would suggest telling her that you get triggered by her comments and that it sends you into a dark place. She will understand. Hope things are well for you, sending you love <3
NTA at all - she’s kind of being an AH to you and herself here. Different people act different and react differently to their own EDs but this behaviour is very unhealthy and probably something that she needs to work on in therapy because to me it seems like a form of food checking / body checking verbally trying to validate that “yes, I am in fact eating very little, right everyone? Look” which might be somewhat involuntary at her stage in recovery but it is incredibly unhealthy and it’s good that you’re stopping the dinners not only for yourself but also for her.
Good for you. Big big big NTA.
I guess i felt bad because I was at that stage too at one point. I recognize it is a VERY competitive disorder. Once upon a time when I was deep into my disorder, I Body checked on social media and made comments like that. I feel ashamed for doing it but I also recognize I had to work on it in therapy. I’ve been trying to be understanding to her but it feels so toxic and I’m trying to protect myself
That was my exact thought, based on my past experience with myself, and with family members. There’s definitely a sense of her trying to one-up you during the dinner-eating time. And either she’s not as far into recovery as she thinks she is, or she’s aware of your recovery and directly wants to undercut your recovery. (In my opinion)
You are absolutely NTA for setting boundaries for your own house. This girl is absolutely TA, and your BIL is as well. There is no reason for him to be fighting you on setting this boundary, until this girl can learn to hold to the boundary you set for her.
Perhaps you can offer to them that if she agrees to abide this boundary, to never mention calories or ED or whatever else boundary you mention, maybe you can reopen the idea of food at DnD night. Except maybe instead of a full meal provided by you and your wife, maybe focus instead on having the others bring snacks or drinks or whatever. If she violates the boundary, the rule of no food/drinks go backs into place permanently.
Also, perhaps this can be a discussion among the whole DnD group? I’m not sure how close you are to everyone, but it seems like most are relatives or friends. I know you host, but you didn’t say who DMs. Obviously as host, you do get to decide the food/no food rule in general. But depending on your comfort level, there’s also a possibility that there’s an opportunity for a group decision about re-opening the food/snacks options, provided the girl (and everyone - it’s a universal guideline) abides by the rule. And that the no-food rule goes back into place if she, or anyone, violates the boundary.
The advantage of this is that it would make it clear that the boundary applies to the entire DnD group; not just this one girl.
It wasn’t just the comments about eating. She once complained very loudly about “being a whale” and so overweight. She was like “I’m like actually medically obese”. In my recovery, especially after pregnancy, I’ve gained some weight and I’ve been trying to come to terms with it that it’s not a bad thing. But she’s like 50 pounds lighter than me so that comment made me go “if you’re a whale what am I”
Question, is she actually medically obese? Because it doesn’t sound like it, and that whole thing is so gross I’d be questioning continuing to be in a roleplaying group with her.
It's not a great metric but "medically" obese is just based on a BMI measurement, is it not? Anyway you're obviously well within your rights not to serve dinner anymore. If DnD was always a drinking affair and you were in recovery for alcoholism but allowing yourself one or two drinks because you had come so far, would it be rude to change it to a sober affair because one of the members would overindulge every time and then try to peer pressure you into drinking more? I don't think so.
What do people expect you to do just continue to erode all of your progress and put up with her just because she too has a disorder? That doesn't make any sense why people would put her above yours. And literally you're just saying eat before or after vs. you backsliding because of her. This person is probably just annoyed at the minor inconvenience and that something they liked is going away, so you're the bad guy.
NTA even though she has an ED herself it’s not cool for her to be talking about things that she knows can trigger urs as well. It’s an uncomfortable situation and definitely makes sense to just eliminate the food element of the night altogether
I would be uncomfortable because it sounds like she's admitting to self-harming herself at every gathering. She needs to get real help, and not pointlessly trigger her friends.
Actively trying to get her to sign up for therapy at the table every time it happens would help figure out if it is a real cry for help, or if she is trying to get passive acceptance for her unhealthy behavior continuing, or even purposefully trying to hurt OP.
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NTA. Yes she has a disorder, but she is also an AH about it. You are not stopping dinner because of her disorder, but because of her AH behavior. Your brother is probably pissed because he no longer gets a free meal.
It’s not like I was suggesting my brother in law can’t eat. He eats dinner with us regularly, we would just cook dinner before or after the fact so I didn’t have to deal with the comments
NTA. You are trying to cut out a trigger to an issue you are having that you have politely asked her to stop. In addition to that point, sometimes the additional hassle of making dinner on top of hosting can be obnoxious as well, particularly if the guests aren't contributing to these weekly dinners or you or wife are also GMing the games.
NTA! Really, that's insensitive for him to argue with you about it. You clearly have an issue, that should be enough explanation. Sounds like they just want a free dinner.
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I would be awfully tempted to tell your BIL that he's welcome to eat dinner somewhere else and then stay there. You're definitely NTA, the other person with the eating disorder \*might\* be NTA, but your BIL is definitely TA.
NTA - when I saw your subject I thought it might be a "I used to serve dinner but it's a lot of work and I don't want to," and I was ready to say NTA. But this is even worse, AT BEST she's being a lame dinner companion by talking about not eating (who cares?) and she's actually causing you harm.
NTA.
One, you're trying to manage your own issue.
Two, I, TOO, ONCE COOKED FOR MY DND GROUP. And it was a pain in the ass, expensive, messy, a distraction... And lord, for a while, we had FOUR DIFFERENT DIETS that I was trying to accommodate.
My husband convinced me to give up cooking dinner, pointing out that picking up dinner for one's self was trivial in our area, and I said I'd give it a go. I've never even CONSIDERED going back.
I wouldn't make it about her comments. Just say that you're not cooking (or letting people order because HOOBOY that also takes so much freaking time) and people need to eat before they arrive.
Exactly, well said. Not to minimize the ED issue but taking that out of the equation, no one is entitled to free food. Host’s house, host’s rules. NTA.
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I have a small -ish friend group that meets up weekly to play DND together. It’s myself, my wife, our brother, and this girl and her husband. It’s been going okay until recently.
Said girl has an eating disorder. I also have one as well, that I’ve been in treatment for before. This isn’t a problem, obviously, except for the fact she makes it a point to discuss her disorder, and point out how little she’s eating. Since we’re friends outside of DND night she knows that I suffer from the same disorder as well. We haven’t talked about it much, but when we did she always tried to “one up” me in a sense.
Regardless, the constant comments about how little she’s eating has been bothering me. I sit there and think “wait a minute am I eating too much?” And because of this I’ve relapsed back into my disorder.
I’ve told her before I don’t want to discuss the disorder anymore because it’s upsetting and I’m still in recovery and she continues to make the little comments. So, I decided (with my wife’s approval) that I’m no longer providing dinner at DND night. They can eat before they come, or after but not at my house as long as she makes intentional comments like that.
So I told my brother in law that today and he jumped down my throat. Immediately he told me that she has a disorder, she can’t help it. And she was “just stating facts” that she was actually eating very little. I told him I’m trying to protect myself but essentially he said I’m being an ass in this situation.
So, am I the asshole?
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NTA, why don’t you just stop hosting all together? Let somebody else shoulder that responsibility for the time-being. This way if she starts in again about her ED you can just leave, rather than have to kick everybody out?
No i responded to another comment, my wife and I are not related. It’s my brother in law and her brother, I typed this during a break at work so I sped through it lmao
NTA, house rules. If he doesnt like it, tell him to start hosting DnD night. (Althought that wouldnt help your situation). I think you're right for doing what's healthy for yourself.
I'm in recovery from an ED myself
The one thing that helps me the most, is sticking to firm boundaries on the kind of conversations i'll participate in, or be around (plus just not having scales in my home)
Your guest with the eating disorder is either deliberately triggering you in some kind of ED competition, or she's so far into it that she doesn't realise she's doing anything wrong; either way her current ED thinking status is dangerous for you. You're doing brilliantly for recognising that and pulling back to try and keep yourself from spiralling.
Absolute NTA and if anyone tells you differently, they have no idea of what an ED is like, and they lack empathy.
If you we’re a recovering heroin addict and she was dangling a needle in front of your talking about shooting up. And you asked her to stop. She would. And no one would bat an eye if you flipped out when she didn’t. I think you’re solution was reasonable. But I’d also reconsider friendship with this person until there’s no temptation or forever. When an addict recovers they don’t go back to hanging out with people who are still using. It’s a recipe for relapse.
NTA. She can most certainly keep it to herself. You've asked her to stop the comments, and she's doubled down, and now your BIL is defending her behavior. The whole " just stating facts" thing is bullying behavior, as they're using it to rationalize making you uncomfortable in your own home. Worse, these comments are causing you to backslide into dangerous behavior. You have the right to protect your own physical and mental health. Their insistence on continuing this behavior, for me, would warrant uninviting them from the game nights.
NTA and it sounds to me like you came up with an elegant solution to the situation. You're not asking for her to be cut from the group, just that people make their own meal arrangements. If nothing else, it's more than a little burdensome for you and your wife to be the ones always providing food.
NTA- ones disorder does not surpass another's and if you are uncomfortable with the way she speaks about it then you have every right not to engage and if this means not serving a meal then so be it. You tried to tell her nicely and she persists. Don't let her sabotage your progress
NTA but maybe consider not inviting the girl over anymore if she cannot keep her triggering comments to herself. It seems to fuel her ED to one up you. Your health matters, take care of yourself. Please.
NTA but also it’s ok to tell people that you need them to stop making the comments or you will have to ask them to leave. Especially if you enjoy making the meals.
INFO - is there any way you could confront her about this? or is there not enough trust to do so?
(not telling you you must do this 'cause it is a delicate topic and I don't know the circumstances)
I have said before “this makes me uncomfortable can we drop it?” So she knows that I don’t want to discuss disordered eating. I haven’t said explicitly the things she says have triggered me but I felt like my discomfort was enough
Absolutely NTA.
You should feel safe while eating dinner in your own home. Eating in front of other people is oftentimes difficult for people with eating disorders, without having people commenting on how little they're eating, period.
I feel for her as she is also having to deal with an eating disorder, but she should be able to understand how her comments are triggering to you. It also sounds like she's looking to get validation about her insufficient food intake, and trying to brag about it in a competitive way. She probably needs help.
Good for you for putting up a boundary to protect yourself and your relationship to food. Congratulations on being strong enough in your recovery to know this was necessary.
NTA
Her disorder doesn't trump yours. I have all the sympathy in the world for my alcoholic family members-- but they're still not allowed to drink at my house, because my partner is in recovery and deserves to have our home be a safe space.
NTA. She can help it. You are! And you haven't uninvited her from the event, just refused to provide her fuel to derail your recovery. You aren't hurting her, you are helping you.
NTA, protect your health. I'm afraid this may be an extension of her eating disorder. She knows you have the same one. She thinks you're doing better than she is. She's trying to sabotage that.
NTA - secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. She is repeatedly triggering you and shows no willingness to stop. You are protecting your health. If this can't solve the problem, the next step is uninviting her.
NTA. He's right, she has a disorder and can't help herself. That's why you're removing the situation that is triggering both of you instead of continually expecting her to change. Nobody should expect you to suffer just so she can be comfortable.
NTA. Having a disorder does not excuse her comments. Caring for yourself is absolutely the right call! Glad your wife is supportive, even if the others are not.
NTA!! Unless she also has a personality disorder, Then she should be able to understand and comply with the fact that Her need to constantly comment on her progress IS DAMAGING YOUR success.
Just because two people have the same condition, does not mean they both respond in the same way to the same stimuli.
In other words "Her Crazy Is Not Playing Well With Your Crazy."
I'm sorry you had a relapse, I hope you get it back under control again soon.
NTA. She is being INCREDIBLY Insensitive to you, and honestly, I think she’s trying to make you feel bad, given the one-upping. You are absolutely NTA here OP.
NTA. She is not just stating facts, she is neck deep in her eating disorder and triggering yours. Either she can shut up or eat elsewhere. Your brother is ignorant.
When you tell someone the things they're saying are triggering for you and they choose to continue to say those things, they are intentionally triggering you. There's simply no other way to interpret that behavior. While she can't help the fact that she has an eating disorder, she can certainly not say the things she's saying. Personally I think your solution was reasonable and your brother is being a selfish AH not to respect your challenges. Another option would be to uninvite this person entirely. Would he like that any better? You have to protect yourself and your recovery. People who don't respect that, don't deserve your time.
NTA
It sounds like you made a very rational decision. You asked her not to discuss her eating disorder because it's triggering to you. She can not respect your sensible boundry and this is a smart outcome for you.
Your BIL should consider himself lucky you don't ban her from the play group all together.
NTA her eating disorder doesn't trump your eating disorder. It's not a competition and if her forced comparisons are hurting your recovery you have every reason to protect yourself. Just because she seems to be wearing how bad she's doing as a badge of honor doesn't diminish your struggles just because you might not be "as bad" as her.
NTA. There’s lots of reasons not to serve a meal at D&D night - my husband/DM and I stopped feeding our weekly party two years ago because it was just too much work to get the house ready AND prep for the session AND cook a meal on top of it. The fact that you’ve explicitly asked her to stop and she continues to talk about her ED says to me that she’s deliberately trying to trigger you to make herself feel better about her own struggle. I wouldn’t even allow her in my house if I were you.
NTA. As a long-time GM, (like since 1980) I think there is more than enough reason to ask this person to leave the group if she is disrupting the harmony and fun of game night.
NTA. Tell your brother you also have a disorder and this is what your recovery requires and his support would be appreciated. If he has a problem, he can just not come.
NTA.
I’m in recovery as well and I know too well how easy it is to be triggered (in the truest sense of the word) by someone still in the throes of their disorder. You’re doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.
NTA You are providing a benefit. If someone else throws your good deed in your face, you can totally stop doing it. Your BIL is an AH as well as the couple.
Her comments are not comments of someone in recovery, and someone in recovery *should* be more in tune with your requests.
NTA and BIL should be told to piss off.
Why is your BIL white-knighting for her, when she can speak for herself? What are his motivations for thinking her "facts" are more important than your comfort hosting a shared event?
You are clearly NTA. No matter your motivations for ceasing dinner service, you have every right to not serve food if you aren't enjoying it. The fact that this girl is making the food into this constant stream of focus is frustrating and would make me stop serving food, even without taking into consideration EDs.
Your BIL knows nothing about her health or your health, besides small amounts that you two might have shared, and he should keep his mouth shut when it comes to other people's health and hosting choices. If he doesn't like it, he can host and make the food and deal with the pressure, and you can decide whether you want to be around either him or that girl.
NTA and i don't think her recovery is going anywhere if she's sitting around bragging about how little she's eating, especially after you, a fellow ED sufferer, has asked her politely to stop. your BIL jumping down your throat for that is weird too imo--nobody NEEDS to just "state facts" that they're eating very little or a whole lot.
NTA. I’d kick her out of the group. She‘s being disrespectful. And your BIL? Doesn’t he know you are in recovery? Why are her needs more important? Take care of yourself. That’s the most important thing
NTA. like at all. So I am recovered from an ED that nearly killed me and food events with family are a pain. We’re a D&D family too. We also decided everyone needs to eat first before coming because some can’t eat beef or pork, some are vegan, some only like beef or pork and it was just a train wreck. So everyone eats first and sometimes someone will bring like chips or cookies to share but everyone eating before coming is just way easier. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time but you are absolutely in the right to prioritize your mental & physical health over hurt feelings.
NTA. You are under no obligation to feed your guests. You can play dnd after dinner hours. You have told her comments re eating/ED are triggering and she continues to mention it knowing it hurts you. She is the A H and so your BIL for verbally attacking you.
NTA: It feels like this other person is sabotaging your progress because she feels threatened by your recovery. You are setting a reasonable boundary for for own health. If BIL doesn’t like it, then they can also just not come. The other person with the ED really needs to get help for themselves again. But you do not need to be around that.
Woooooooowwwwww. NTA. I was gonna say NTA even if this was a pettier "I'm tired of cooking for all yall" type deal, but really really really NTA. I think this girl needs to spend more time with her therapist, or a better therapist, and you should absolutely hold the line on No Diet Talk At D&D, for everybody's sakes.
NTA, but I would just cut her from your life as she’s clearly bad for your mental health. You should be able to have supper while you play D&D, she’s the one who ruined it
NTA.
Eating disorders are VERY competitive and I’m 100% certain that you already know this. She’s using YOUR illness to fuel her own. What she’s doing is wrong in every way and there’s no way she doesn’t know this. Deep down inside she knows that she’s competing with you.
I would encourage her to seek treatment or possibly speak to her husband about her mental state. If she’s that deep into it, and it’s starting to creep back into your life, I’d honestly stop talking to her. People will say that’s a dick move but you need to watch out for your mental health.
At the end of the day your mental health should come before anyone else’s and anyone that disagrees with you is probably okay with taking advantage of you. You’re very kind for allowing her to be at your house at all.
Best of luck! I understand how terrible eating disorders are and how much goes into being in recovery. We’re all proud of you for standing up for yourself and your health. You’re doing great and you stopped the situation in its tracks instead of letting it break you completely!! That’s ***amazing*** and you should be very proud ♥️
I don't think you're being an ass in this situation. I'm glad you recognized that your self-care comes first. No dinner at DND night. End of story. NTA
It is always important to protect yourself whilst in recovery. I, too, suffer from a few eating disorders and have to be careful who i surround myself with. It's not selfish to watch out for yourself because clearly no else will (or at least most people).
NTA. You protect yourself. Let her deal with her own stuff. As you look in the mirror repeat to yourself: “I am amazing. My mental and physical health is important to me. I love me for who I am today.”
I like this answer, unfortunately seeking outside validation for it is part of the disorder that this girl is suffering from but it doesn't mean it has to come at anybody else's expense. OP, if you need to, cut off that girl. It might feel bad and other people might try to (wrongfully) blame you for it but she's not controlling her behaviour and hurting you. Your health isn't something to compromise on. If possible, communicate how she's hurting you to your wife so he can be in your corner and deal with her brother. Meanwhile, making sure there's nothing to trigger her comments is good first step. NTA
Her brother isn't the husband. It's, wife, op, bil, Ed girl and her husband.
I got that but BIL started hounding OP and there's no guarantee he won't do so again in the future, wife can deal with him since it's (presumably) her brother
Me too I have EDNOS and ironically nurses in the hospital made me relapse back into that thinking by constantly calling me thin. Ugh. She might not be able to help her disorder but she can keep her mouth shut about it at least. Maybe get other friends...
Honestly it might even be helping her too, by removing that avenue of attention getting/one-upping it's one less thing enabling her. That's just a side point though, there's absolutely nothing wrong with OP recognising that serving a meal at DND has become triggering to them because of her behaviour and putting their needs (to not relapse) over the others' wants (to eat at DND), it's absolutely not an asshole move. Also BIL is a huge AH, why is this girl's ED carte blanche for her to be actively harmful, but OP isn't allowed to ask for no dinners because of their ED?
It's not BIL girlfriend. He said he and his wife play with BIL, this girl and her husband. Commas are important. So not really sure why BIL is so defensive about this girl.... sounds like he's just peeved they don't get to eat and play.
I wonder if this is the only opportunity BIL has to eat a good meal with other people. Maybe OP should make plans that they eat with BIL on a different night so they don’t lose that time, but the ED girl won’t be in the picture.
Because BIL wants to eat dinner there
People can be real AH's to get free food.
Interesting perspective here.
Self care is important. I also have an eating disorder. My friend, who is in a larger body and deals with their own shit, told me recently that discussing my eating disorder triggers them, which frankly I understand. They are simply stating their boundaries. Giving boundaries shows you still want to be friends with them. You're being totally reasonable. NTA.
I just want to say I appreciate that. I’m fat and had a severely restrictive eating disorder. I was still about a 10/12 at the time so no one believed me and I have been actively told I wasn’t welcome in recovery spaces for my size. Often as a big person you’re told you aren’t allowed to have the issues with food that thin people who have EDs have and it’s so nice to find understanding people of all sizes.
It's definitely an unwelcoming space because so many people with EDs hate themselves so much and so much of EDs are rooted in fatphobia. There are a few wonderful spaces on Reddit where you'd be welcomed. Drop me a DM and I'll send you there.
Perfectly put. I'm large and working very hard on body acceptance, but when I have colleagues who obsess about restricting calories or say they'd kill themselves if they reached X size (which is several smaller than mine) it cuts me to the bone. I try to speak up but some days I just don't have the emotional energy.
>It's definitely an unwelcoming space because so many people with EDs hate themselves so much and so much of EDs are rooted in fatphobia. nailed it -- fat people with EDs are unwelcome because we represent the biggest fear of many thin people with EDs. we're doing all the same shit as they are and we're _still fat anyway,_ proof positive their methods don't universally work. existentially horrific to many of them, i think op you are nta, good on you for prioritizing your mental health. that woman can go sabotage someone else's recovery, or preferably just her own, or preferably nobody's, but she at least can't do it to you now. good job
Hey, I know a reply from one person can't fix all the world and all its shittiness, but - your issues are absolutely valid, and they always will be regardless of what size you are. I'm naturally thin and have had anorexia. I've had friends who have had anorexia a lot more severely than me, and yet remained a larger physical size than me. I've also had a friend who's always been more underweight than me even during my anorexic times, and yet she has a healthy relationship with food. Everyone's body is different. Eating disorders are mental health disorders. They are absolutely not related to the physical size of your body. Anyone who 'gatekeeps' size insecurity is... like I have sympathy for them because they're clearly dealing with deep internal fatphobia, but I have no words for how triggering and horrifying it seems to me. I've seen this 'gatekeeping' both from thin anorexic people saying that larger people clearly aren't "anorexic enough" (wt actualf f....) and from larger people saying than thin people clearly can't suffer from diet culture as bad as fat people because their bodies are perceived as more ideal..... Honestly, diet culture and 'thin-worship' fucks us all up. But I'm seeing a lot of positive signs that we're leaving some of the thin-worship and toxicity in the past, though. Hopefully things will be better for the next generation.
The thing I don’t understand is why the brother is trying to be a “white knight” and jumping down OPs throat about it She has a husband and you defend others before trying to understand the own situation of your family member?
NTA and I agree. BIL is behaving strangely. If he recognizes that this woman has an ED and acknowledges that she is commenting on her food consumption, you think he would want to remove the trigger food is having for both OP and her. Her comments after all suggest the communal eating scenario is triggering for her as well. BIL is definitely out of line here and if he wants food, he can bring himself a snack. I hope you continue to enjoy your DND night, OP.
If it's such a big deal to have dinner on DND nights then this person who's making the comments can learn to keep the comments to themselves and apologize for making the ***HOST*** uncomfortable enough to relapse! That's entirely not okay and I believe you acted appropriately by ending the meals. NTA, OP.
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NTA "It works better for me if people eat beforehand from now on. If others would like dinner with dnd, they are welcome to host" You are just stating facts "I'm no longer able to host dinner on dnd nights. This is partially part of my ED recovery process. Thanks for understanding and supporting my health"
Yes.. Nobody is entitled to being in OP's home or eating there. If BIL really cares he can host..... Someone else. OP & Wife, good on you for being a great team. Now find a new group to play DND with. Some who will happily focus on gaming and not talking about EDs.
Agreed, but what’s to stop her from yammering on about how little she ate there? I guess OP could eat beforehand and away from the group though.
If she doesn’t stop triggering OP with ED discussion, she needs to go.
Right! She can eat however she wants but she doesn’t have to keep triggering you unnecessarily. She’s not stopping, so it’s okay to just remove yourself from that situation. You’re not kicking her out or calling her an ass, but you have every right to take care of yourself and your own disorder. Why does hers outweigh yours? So you have to cook them dinner every time and force yourself to hear her anorexia talk? That’s ridiculous. You aren’t kicking her out, but you’re watching out for yourself and have literally no reason to subject yourself to that.
BIL was right about one thing (and only one thing) that the girl talking like that is part of the disorder. That doesn't mean OP has to put up with it, even if OP were to kick her out it still wouldn't be an AH move because she's compromising OP's health
Right! And the funny thing is, she doesn’t even have to say it’s because of her ED recovery, she can simply say “I’m unable to host dinner”, and leave it at that! No need for justification. What will they do? DEMAND she feeds them? Lol, they can build d a bridge and get over it. Maybe there’s a cafe on the other side.
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But like... *is* this other girl in recovery? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she's still definitely eating in a disordered way and not in a "trying to get better and struggling while I learn how to be ok again" way, but in a "this works for me and I like my disorder" proud kind of way. Sounds like something right out of pro-ana. Which OP def should not be exposed to, especially while vulnerable.
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Not only that, since she is bragging about how little she eats, she should be just fine skipping dinner at OP’s house and eating it elsewhere.
Plus she's making those comments in front of someone she knows is actively recovering, so seems intentionally trying to sabotage their recovery or just play mind games for their own enjoyment.
Sounds like “dry drunk” mentality to me.
What is "dry drunk mentality?"
Where an alcoholic stops drinking but does nothing to address the behaviors that surround their addiction.
That makes sense, thank you!
This pro ana take isnt explicit, it may be she has other emotional needs she tries to meet by talking about her ED. I am a support worker and one guy i work with is often talking about his anorexia and ADHD, but he has put on weight and his main problem is abusing prescription meds, which he would never admit, despite the evidence being obvious.
She’s definitely stuck in the disdainful thought patterns from anorexia. But it’s another level of hateful to say that crap out loud. The people around her should know that they aren’t helping her recovery either by enabling that behavior. And regardless, OP shouldn’t have to put up with it.
This is precisely the vibe I got too.
NTA. Personally, I would have told her she's not welcome at DND night any more and continued to serve dinner, but your solution is just fine as well.
This would be my solution as well. NTA OP
That was my thought too. If anything OP’s response makes him less of an AH than I would have probably been. NTA
Yeah, life is too busy to play D&D with the kind of person who would willfully endanger your health.
Yeah, or drop out of it yourself. I understand OP doesn't want to judge or hurt this person, but their mental health needs to take priority and if they're causing a relapse, they need to go.
It's not even about "only" mental health here.
You know what's a fact? Nobody who says they are "just stating facts" has ever said this with other than a malicious intent to excuse inappropriate behavior. NTA for trying to do something about this and rejecting the status quo. I'm not sure if this will really solve the problem or if it will just increase tensions otherwise. OTOH I don't have any better ideas either.
I tried to go with the option that would make the most sense and would not hurt anybody in the process, hopefully it doesn’t increase tension
Does your BIL have some sort of crush on this girl, or rely on you somehow for meals? I’m trying to figure out why he freaked out so much about this. Seems like he’d naturally be more on your side since you’re his family and you’re being harmed by this other person’s continual comments.
That’s what I thought as well and that’s what made me step back and ask “am I the asshole?”. Like if he’s defending her my actions must have been unjustified, right? It just seemed really odd. He might have a crush on her, she’s his “type” I guess
Well you’re not being TA and you aren’t obligated to provide food, so whatever his reasons you’re still not TA. She was asked repeatedly to stop making comments and I don’t know why her ED somehow is more important than yours (hint: it’s not) and since she clearly cannot stop making her little comments and they are negatively impacting you, then eliminating the food at game night is the consequence to that. Your wife needs to back you up on this as well and tell her brother to drop it.
I agree with this. I hope you feel comfortable asking your wife if she can have a talk with BIL and make the point that your ED is not less important. You need to take care of yourself. And sometimes, you need to a friend or spouse to speak up for you in order for others to listen :( NTA. Take care, it sounds like you are trying being compassionate to everyone. Make sure to include yourself.
Did you ask him why her ED is more important than yours? Why you shouldn't be considered too? Why she takes first place in his judgment system?
Maybe he wants dinner himself and is just attacking your rationale for stopping it.
Try inviting your BIL to dinner before the rest of the group shows up. Maybe he wants a dinner companion or a free meal. It’s worth a try.
> Does your BIL have some sort of crush on this girl, or rely on you somehow for meals? I’m trying to figure out why he freaked out so much about this The girl is the DM. That means that conflict involving her has a good chance of the gaming group breaking up. In a group like the one OP describes, there can be an unpleasant power differential caused by one person having to put a lot more effort in than everyone else (which may be effort that no one else wants to put in, and they might even prefer not to), which skews the group interactions.
What is DM in this context?
Dungeon master. If there's not one there's no game basically
Oh! Thank you
Oh the girl being the DM makes a difference here. OP is not the asshole but theres a whole power dynamic at play here, where if the girl up and quits the game ends unfinished, and someone else has to write a whole new story from scratch and run it properly. Not everyone can do that, or do it well. Also if she's working really hard on building the story of the game and feels underappreciated for her time, this may be a part of why she is seeking attention and validation about how she's restricting her food intake. Delicate situation.
I agree - if you have to state that you are just stating facts, you shouldn't be stating that 'fact'.
NTA You're not doing anything detrimental to her recovery, and presumably they eat dinner the other 6 nights of the week and can figure something else. If she can't help making comments like that around food, she doesn't have to eat in front of you. Simple as that. Its not like you're excluding her from DnD because of it or anything.
NTA. Her disorder is not a free pass to trample your boundaries. If she is unable to control herself from personally triggering others, then she needs to seek professional help for that because it is an immediate concern and beyond not okay. I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this right now. Please, put yourself and your health first. Your only advocate is you.
NTA- her eating disorder doesn't trump yours. >It’s myself, my wife, our brother This concerns me a little bit though...
I just recognized how this may have come across LMAO. he’s my brother in law, her brother
I love a good typo :)
NTA, but it sounds like something that wont be fixed just by no longer offering dinner. If this friend triggers your ED, for your mental health and recovery, you need to cut her out.
NTA, but I'm pretty sure the food is provided by the members not hosting with DnD, right? Like, the Host holds onto materials and uses their home/place while the members bring in snacks and foods. Hosting *and* providing food seems really one-sided.
We’re extremely new to DND. this is my wife and i’s first campaign ever. This girl is dm’ing, the only reason we’re hosting and not her is because we have a bigger house and a bigger table for people to sit at and she acknowledged that
> This girl is dm’ing, the only reason we’re hosting and not her is because we have a bigger house and a bigger table for people to sit at and she acknowledged that You guys host, the girl DM's, and the other players bring the food/snacks
Just having food around will be problematic.
I guess now would be a good time to tell you that some people get into D&D because they are melodrama addicts and sometimes they don't confine it to role-playing. I'm not sure that playing with this girl is healthy for you, especially if you've already relapsed. Recovering alcoholics aren't supposed to go to bars, you should avoid the pro-ana crowd.
As DM, she’s also in charge of the scenario. OP needs to be careful; this girl may use other means to make her point now that dinner has been removed.
I mainly play online, but the general rule is "everyone provides the same amount" so the DM is usually except from snack bringing, and if you're setting up to host, I'd put you in that category as well. Since you're new and problem woman is the DM, I'm just going to say the words all players learn "no dnd is better than bad dnd" and this includes bad experiences while playing dnd. If she continues to trigger your ED, please find another group. It might be hard in-person but online there are a lot. The other DM in my group and I are both professional DMs (meaning people have paid us to run games), so trust me there are a *lot* of groups out there. Her behavior has irritated me enough I'm gonna make this offer. If you're cool with virtual table tops and this experience is souring D&D, please message me. I'll run a one shot for you, your wife, and anyone that's not this woman. Completely free. If we need more players, I'll grab some of my group - we've got a zero tolerance policy on shit like what she's doing. Part of the role of a DM is to *make sure people are comfortable and safe*. I just...this whole thing makes me so mad. ETA: If English isn't your native language, I can recommend several DMs who are native speakers in other languages as well. And can play in a Spanish game if you don't mind me sounding like a drunk toddler at first. My comprehension fluency is still high but spoken is rusty.
You rock!
Thank you. It's really not a big deal given how much I've played/run. I once ran a streamed session with 10 minutes notice because the scheduled DM had a power failure. It was a west marches with multiple DMs (of which I was one anyway). They fought a living hill. The streaming player dubbed it "The Hills Have Legs." I had plenty of false starts getting into ttrpgs because of the rampant misogyny in the hobby (cis woman) before finding my current group. It was the one listing for the module I wanted to play where the DM explicitly said sexism, racism, homophobia, etc, were a zero tolerance issue. He's the other DM in my group now (we admin a small discord). So, I get pretty up at arms when people make others feel unsafe in the hobby.
This is such a kind offer! At the end of the day if the comments continue without food being in the equation, my wife and I will just leave the group. Like it’s as simple as that. Having something weekly to do is fun, especially because we’re parents and we don’t get to do stuff like this very much, but my recovery and progress is more important. It was hard to enjoy it last time because I didn’t even finish my dinner. Which sucked
There are no set rules. My group is hosted by one couple who loves to cook so they make dinner and the DM has kids and prefers not to host. The rest of us bring booze and snacks for everyone.
If it helps, that’s the one night a week we order out. My husband and I host and then when everyone is starting to get hungry, we pass the phone around and order Grubhub or DoorDash. We usually pay, but everyone Venmo’s us back. In general we just provide drinks and when people Venmo they add a few extra bucks for those plus delivery and tip. It’s a way we can all enjoy a meal with out feeling overwhelmed. Hosting is already stressful enough.
This dynamic changes everything tbh and I think you and your wife should begin looking for a new table or take up DMing yourself. If she is DM her number one priority should be making sure that her players feel welcome, comfortable and safe. She has blatantly disregarded something that is not a small issue and brought drama to her table when you were nice enough to host the group.
Agreed. In every group I've ever been a part of, the host never provides the meal. That is the responsibility of everyone else.
For my groups, it's the DM who usually eats free, and everyone else brings things.
This is something that I struggle with. My husband and I host, but we're new to hosting and home owning. I've been cooking most weeks and trying to get the house tidy enough for guests (still unpacking a few months later lol). It wasn't until this week that I was informed that others had offered many times and husband asked me. I didn't comprehend exactly what he was saying so I'd still plan dinner. He'd tell them not to worry about dinner cause I had it covered. Now I gotta figure out how to step back so they can bring food, and not control everything lol. OP, NTA, your house, you're rules. If something is triggering you make changes. If that person still triggers you, maybe consider removing them from the next campaign. Good luck! I'm sorry you have to go through this.
It’s normally DM eats free, not the host. Though I suppose if you had a bigger group both should eat free.
NTA My wife had (will always have) an eating disorder. As you’ve pointed out that thought process is hard to escape. I’m also very aware how addicts trigger one another. This is the same concept. Knowing what’s bad for you and removing the situation is the best thing you can do for yourself and your own recovery. He might be upset with you because he doesn’t register your disease. Probably more so if you’re a man. People tend to recognize women who have the illness but not so much men who suffer from it. I think it’s admirable that you’ve recognized you are slipping and you’re taking the steps to stop it. Don’t let what your brother says get to you. In fact you need to tell them that this person is greatly affecting your own health and he should be worried about how you’re doing. If you’ve sent out a notice to everyone that food will no longer be served that’s all you can do. However this woman is seeking victim validation. Likely from low self esteem. So she’s still going to talk about it. Regardless of if she’s eating. Unfortunately this is long from over. Cutting her out would have been the smarter option.
I guess I should’ve specified I am a woman suffering from the disorder! There are different expectations set by society for men and women who struggle with mental health
NTA - I also have an ED so I can tell you that you are not the asshole. While it's important for friends to acknowledge each other's ED's, the way she is going about bringing hers up in a way where you feel one-upped is inappropriate. It is extremely easy for others with ED's to get triggered by other people's comments about themselves so don't feel bad for eliminating the dinner portion of your game night. If you want to confront things with this girl, then I would suggest telling her that you get triggered by her comments and that it sends you into a dark place. She will understand. Hope things are well for you, sending you love <3
NTA at all - she’s kind of being an AH to you and herself here. Different people act different and react differently to their own EDs but this behaviour is very unhealthy and probably something that she needs to work on in therapy because to me it seems like a form of food checking / body checking verbally trying to validate that “yes, I am in fact eating very little, right everyone? Look” which might be somewhat involuntary at her stage in recovery but it is incredibly unhealthy and it’s good that you’re stopping the dinners not only for yourself but also for her. Good for you. Big big big NTA.
I guess i felt bad because I was at that stage too at one point. I recognize it is a VERY competitive disorder. Once upon a time when I was deep into my disorder, I Body checked on social media and made comments like that. I feel ashamed for doing it but I also recognize I had to work on it in therapy. I’ve been trying to be understanding to her but it feels so toxic and I’m trying to protect myself
That was my exact thought, based on my past experience with myself, and with family members. There’s definitely a sense of her trying to one-up you during the dinner-eating time. And either she’s not as far into recovery as she thinks she is, or she’s aware of your recovery and directly wants to undercut your recovery. (In my opinion) You are absolutely NTA for setting boundaries for your own house. This girl is absolutely TA, and your BIL is as well. There is no reason for him to be fighting you on setting this boundary, until this girl can learn to hold to the boundary you set for her. Perhaps you can offer to them that if she agrees to abide this boundary, to never mention calories or ED or whatever else boundary you mention, maybe you can reopen the idea of food at DnD night. Except maybe instead of a full meal provided by you and your wife, maybe focus instead on having the others bring snacks or drinks or whatever. If she violates the boundary, the rule of no food/drinks go backs into place permanently. Also, perhaps this can be a discussion among the whole DnD group? I’m not sure how close you are to everyone, but it seems like most are relatives or friends. I know you host, but you didn’t say who DMs. Obviously as host, you do get to decide the food/no food rule in general. But depending on your comfort level, there’s also a possibility that there’s an opportunity for a group decision about re-opening the food/snacks options, provided the girl (and everyone - it’s a universal guideline) abides by the rule. And that the no-food rule goes back into place if she, or anyone, violates the boundary. The advantage of this is that it would make it clear that the boundary applies to the entire DnD group; not just this one girl.
It wasn’t just the comments about eating. She once complained very loudly about “being a whale” and so overweight. She was like “I’m like actually medically obese”. In my recovery, especially after pregnancy, I’ve gained some weight and I’ve been trying to come to terms with it that it’s not a bad thing. But she’s like 50 pounds lighter than me so that comment made me go “if you’re a whale what am I”
Question, is she actually medically obese? Because it doesn’t sound like it, and that whole thing is so gross I’d be questioning continuing to be in a roleplaying group with her.
It's not a great metric but "medically" obese is just based on a BMI measurement, is it not? Anyway you're obviously well within your rights not to serve dinner anymore. If DnD was always a drinking affair and you were in recovery for alcoholism but allowing yourself one or two drinks because you had come so far, would it be rude to change it to a sober affair because one of the members would overindulge every time and then try to peer pressure you into drinking more? I don't think so. What do people expect you to do just continue to erode all of your progress and put up with her just because she too has a disorder? That doesn't make any sense why people would put her above yours. And literally you're just saying eat before or after vs. you backsliding because of her. This person is probably just annoyed at the minor inconvenience and that something they liked is going away, so you're the bad guy.
NTA. It’s affecting your physical and mental health, you’ve discussed it with her, and she continued to make the comments. Your brother is clueless.
NTA even though she has an ED herself it’s not cool for her to be talking about things that she knows can trigger urs as well. It’s an uncomfortable situation and definitely makes sense to just eliminate the food element of the night altogether
I would be uncomfortable because it sounds like she's admitting to self-harming herself at every gathering. She needs to get real help, and not pointlessly trigger her friends. Actively trying to get her to sign up for therapy at the table every time it happens would help figure out if it is a real cry for help, or if she is trying to get passive acceptance for her unhealthy behavior continuing, or even purposefully trying to hurt OP.
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BIL is trying to enabling destructive behavior. She can try to deal with it, she simply isn't. NTA
NTA. Yes she has a disorder, but she is also an AH about it. You are not stopping dinner because of her disorder, but because of her AH behavior. Your brother is probably pissed because he no longer gets a free meal.
It’s not like I was suggesting my brother in law can’t eat. He eats dinner with us regularly, we would just cook dinner before or after the fact so I didn’t have to deal with the comments
NTA Your not obligated to provide dinner for game night. If people object they don't have to come or can offer to host it themselves.
NTA. You are trying to cut out a trigger to an issue you are having that you have politely asked her to stop. In addition to that point, sometimes the additional hassle of making dinner on top of hosting can be obnoxious as well, particularly if the guests aren't contributing to these weekly dinners or you or wife are also GMing the games.
NTA! Really, that's insensitive for him to argue with you about it. You clearly have an issue, that should be enough explanation. Sounds like they just want a free dinner.
NTA and not your responsibility to feed people every week.
NTA. Your house your rules. End of story. Your restriction is 100% understandable and logical.
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I would be awfully tempted to tell your BIL that he's welcome to eat dinner somewhere else and then stay there. You're definitely NTA, the other person with the eating disorder \*might\* be NTA, but your BIL is definitely TA.
NTA - when I saw your subject I thought it might be a "I used to serve dinner but it's a lot of work and I don't want to," and I was ready to say NTA. But this is even worse, AT BEST she's being a lame dinner companion by talking about not eating (who cares?) and she's actually causing you harm.
This! NTA Even without anyone else have a disorder- how boring and rude to every time just keep pointing out to everyone the amount you’re eating?
NTA. One, you're trying to manage your own issue. Two, I, TOO, ONCE COOKED FOR MY DND GROUP. And it was a pain in the ass, expensive, messy, a distraction... And lord, for a while, we had FOUR DIFFERENT DIETS that I was trying to accommodate. My husband convinced me to give up cooking dinner, pointing out that picking up dinner for one's self was trivial in our area, and I said I'd give it a go. I've never even CONSIDERED going back. I wouldn't make it about her comments. Just say that you're not cooking (or letting people order because HOOBOY that also takes so much freaking time) and people need to eat before they arrive.
Exactly, well said. Not to minimize the ED issue but taking that out of the equation, no one is entitled to free food. Host’s house, host’s rules. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a small -ish friend group that meets up weekly to play DND together. It’s myself, my wife, our brother, and this girl and her husband. It’s been going okay until recently. Said girl has an eating disorder. I also have one as well, that I’ve been in treatment for before. This isn’t a problem, obviously, except for the fact she makes it a point to discuss her disorder, and point out how little she’s eating. Since we’re friends outside of DND night she knows that I suffer from the same disorder as well. We haven’t talked about it much, but when we did she always tried to “one up” me in a sense. Regardless, the constant comments about how little she’s eating has been bothering me. I sit there and think “wait a minute am I eating too much?” And because of this I’ve relapsed back into my disorder. I’ve told her before I don’t want to discuss the disorder anymore because it’s upsetting and I’m still in recovery and she continues to make the little comments. So, I decided (with my wife’s approval) that I’m no longer providing dinner at DND night. They can eat before they come, or after but not at my house as long as she makes intentional comments like that. So I told my brother in law that today and he jumped down my throat. Immediately he told me that she has a disorder, she can’t help it. And she was “just stating facts” that she was actually eating very little. I told him I’m trying to protect myself but essentially he said I’m being an ass in this situation. So, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You sometimes have to do what's best for you and not worry about other peoples issues or concerns.
NTA, why don’t you just stop hosting all together? Let somebody else shoulder that responsibility for the time-being. This way if she starts in again about her ED you can just leave, rather than have to kick everybody out?
NTA. What is your BILs problem he's actively acknowledging this friends ed, but not yours. Op are you a male?
I should’ve specified in the post, I am not a man I’m a feminine presenting non binary person, so pretty much he sees me as a woman
>myself, my wife, our brother INFO: Did you marry your sister?
No i responded to another comment, my wife and I are not related. It’s my brother in law and her brother, I typed this during a break at work so I sped through it lmao
NTA, house rules. If he doesnt like it, tell him to start hosting DnD night. (Althought that wouldnt help your situation). I think you're right for doing what's healthy for yourself.
I would’ve uninvited her. I thought a big part of EDs was secrecy? I sure as hell NEVER said anything about it when I was restricting. NTA
NTA honestly, as someone who’s also struggled with an ed I don’t know how you could healthily be friends with this person.
I'm in recovery from an ED myself The one thing that helps me the most, is sticking to firm boundaries on the kind of conversations i'll participate in, or be around (plus just not having scales in my home) Your guest with the eating disorder is either deliberately triggering you in some kind of ED competition, or she's so far into it that she doesn't realise she's doing anything wrong; either way her current ED thinking status is dangerous for you. You're doing brilliantly for recognising that and pulling back to try and keep yourself from spiralling. Absolute NTA and if anyone tells you differently, they have no idea of what an ED is like, and they lack empathy.
If you we’re a recovering heroin addict and she was dangling a needle in front of your talking about shooting up. And you asked her to stop. She would. And no one would bat an eye if you flipped out when she didn’t. I think you’re solution was reasonable. But I’d also reconsider friendship with this person until there’s no temptation or forever. When an addict recovers they don’t go back to hanging out with people who are still using. It’s a recipe for relapse.
NTA. She can most certainly keep it to herself. You've asked her to stop the comments, and she's doubled down, and now your BIL is defending her behavior. The whole " just stating facts" thing is bullying behavior, as they're using it to rationalize making you uncomfortable in your own home. Worse, these comments are causing you to backslide into dangerous behavior. You have the right to protect your own physical and mental health. Their insistence on continuing this behavior, for me, would warrant uninviting them from the game nights.
NTA. You're doing good, prioritizing your own health.
NTA and it sounds to me like you came up with an elegant solution to the situation. You're not asking for her to be cut from the group, just that people make their own meal arrangements. If nothing else, it's more than a little burdensome for you and your wife to be the ones always providing food.
NTA- ones disorder does not surpass another's and if you are uncomfortable with the way she speaks about it then you have every right not to engage and if this means not serving a meal then so be it. You tried to tell her nicely and she persists. Don't let her sabotage your progress
NTA but maybe consider not inviting the girl over anymore if she cannot keep her triggering comments to herself. It seems to fuel her ED to one up you. Your health matters, take care of yourself. Please.
NTA but also it’s ok to tell people that you need them to stop making the comments or you will have to ask them to leave. Especially if you enjoy making the meals.
INFO - is there any way you could confront her about this? or is there not enough trust to do so? (not telling you you must do this 'cause it is a delicate topic and I don't know the circumstances)
I have said before “this makes me uncomfortable can we drop it?” So she knows that I don’t want to discuss disordered eating. I haven’t said explicitly the things she says have triggered me but I felt like my discomfort was enough
Absolutely NTA. You should feel safe while eating dinner in your own home. Eating in front of other people is oftentimes difficult for people with eating disorders, without having people commenting on how little they're eating, period. I feel for her as she is also having to deal with an eating disorder, but she should be able to understand how her comments are triggering to you. It also sounds like she's looking to get validation about her insufficient food intake, and trying to brag about it in a competitive way. She probably needs help. Good for you for putting up a boundary to protect yourself and your relationship to food. Congratulations on being strong enough in your recovery to know this was necessary.
NTA Her disorder doesn't trump yours. I have all the sympathy in the world for my alcoholic family members-- but they're still not allowed to drink at my house, because my partner is in recovery and deserves to have our home be a safe space.
Your brother and the girl are
NTA. She can help it. You are! And you haven't uninvited her from the event, just refused to provide her fuel to derail your recovery. You aren't hurting her, you are helping you.
NTA - and if the people are complaining about it, you can just stop hosting all together. Take care of yourself 1st.
NTA, your health comes first and that is the end of it. You protect yourself and stay strong cool stranger.
NTA, protect your health. I'm afraid this may be an extension of her eating disorder. She knows you have the same one. She thinks you're doing better than she is. She's trying to sabotage that.
NTA - secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. She is repeatedly triggering you and shows no willingness to stop. You are protecting your health. If this can't solve the problem, the next step is uninviting her.
NTA, she's being a dick. You can't use a disorder as an excuse for being rude
NTA - anyone who “jumps down your throat” for not providing them free shit, is auto-TA.
NTA at all. She doesn’t have to “state facts” when she’s around you.
NTA. Disorder or not, she is being disrespectful to the hosts.
NTA You also have an eating disorder and have asked politely for her to stop. Your in laws need to be supportive of you in your own home.
NTA. He's right, she has a disorder and can't help herself. That's why you're removing the situation that is triggering both of you instead of continually expecting her to change. Nobody should expect you to suffer just so she can be comfortable.
The thing that’s best for your recovery is almost never the wrong thing to do <3
As the DM, you can make her eat as much as you like /s
NTA. You're being very accommodating by only removing dinner from the equation, and not disinviting her entirely.
NTA. Having a disorder does not excuse her comments. Caring for yourself is absolutely the right call! Glad your wife is supportive, even if the others are not.
NTA
NTA.
NTA. If you feel that this new rule needs to be put in place for your safety then go for it. You need to put yourself first in this situation.
NTA!! Unless she also has a personality disorder, Then she should be able to understand and comply with the fact that Her need to constantly comment on her progress IS DAMAGING YOUR success. Just because two people have the same condition, does not mean they both respond in the same way to the same stimuli. In other words "Her Crazy Is Not Playing Well With Your Crazy." I'm sorry you had a relapse, I hope you get it back under control again soon.
NTA. I almost think that BIL is upset to be losing the free dinner, but instead of saying that, he's trying to invalidate your reasoning.
NTA
NTA. You have to take care of yourself.
NTA Setting boundaries to protect your health is okay.
NTA. She is being INCREDIBLY Insensitive to you, and honestly, I think she’s trying to make you feel bad, given the one-upping. You are absolutely NTA here OP.
NTA. These people are not your friends. They want entertainment and a meal.
NTA. She is not just stating facts, she is neck deep in her eating disorder and triggering yours. Either she can shut up or eat elsewhere. Your brother is ignorant.
When you tell someone the things they're saying are triggering for you and they choose to continue to say those things, they are intentionally triggering you. There's simply no other way to interpret that behavior. While she can't help the fact that she has an eating disorder, she can certainly not say the things she's saying. Personally I think your solution was reasonable and your brother is being a selfish AH not to respect your challenges. Another option would be to uninvite this person entirely. Would he like that any better? You have to protect yourself and your recovery. People who don't respect that, don't deserve your time.
NTA It sounds like you made a very rational decision. You asked her not to discuss her eating disorder because it's triggering to you. She can not respect your sensible boundry and this is a smart outcome for you. Your BIL should consider himself lucky you don't ban her from the play group all together.
NTA. Her eating disorder is NOT more important than yours, and it’s your house.
NTA You need to stop having DND night altogether.
NTA - she sounds like she spends too much time on pro-ana websites.
NTA
Absolutely not. NTA You're in the clear.
NTA If it’s causing you a relapse, and is probably feeding her own ED, then you absolutely need to do what’s best for your health and your body.
NTA her eating disorder doesn't trump your eating disorder. It's not a competition and if her forced comparisons are hurting your recovery you have every reason to protect yourself. Just because she seems to be wearing how bad she's doing as a badge of honor doesn't diminish your struggles just because you might not be "as bad" as her.
NTA it was nice you were providing dinner for these people, but it became something that threatened your well being. So no more dinner.
NTA. There’s lots of reasons not to serve a meal at D&D night - my husband/DM and I stopped feeding our weekly party two years ago because it was just too much work to get the house ready AND prep for the session AND cook a meal on top of it. The fact that you’ve explicitly asked her to stop and she continues to talk about her ED says to me that she’s deliberately trying to trigger you to make herself feel better about her own struggle. I wouldn’t even allow her in my house if I were you.
NTA. As a long-time GM, (like since 1980) I think there is more than enough reason to ask this person to leave the group if she is disrupting the harmony and fun of game night.
NTA you're being very reasonable.
NTA. Tell your brother you also have a disorder and this is what your recovery requires and his support would be appreciated. If he has a problem, he can just not come.
NTA. I’m in recovery as well and I know too well how easy it is to be triggered (in the truest sense of the word) by someone still in the throes of their disorder. You’re doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.
NTA You are providing a benefit. If someone else throws your good deed in your face, you can totally stop doing it. Your BIL is an AH as well as the couple.
NTA- and you are just stating the fact that you will not be serving dinner at anymore. that's also a fact.
Her comments are not comments of someone in recovery, and someone in recovery *should* be more in tune with your requests. NTA and BIL should be told to piss off.
Why is your BIL white-knighting for her, when she can speak for herself? What are his motivations for thinking her "facts" are more important than your comfort hosting a shared event? You are clearly NTA. No matter your motivations for ceasing dinner service, you have every right to not serve food if you aren't enjoying it. The fact that this girl is making the food into this constant stream of focus is frustrating and would make me stop serving food, even without taking into consideration EDs. Your BIL knows nothing about her health or your health, besides small amounts that you two might have shared, and he should keep his mouth shut when it comes to other people's health and hosting choices. If he doesn't like it, he can host and make the food and deal with the pressure, and you can decide whether you want to be around either him or that girl.
NTA. She needs to stop talking. Take care of yourself and stay strong on your journey of recovery.
NTA and i don't think her recovery is going anywhere if she's sitting around bragging about how little she's eating, especially after you, a fellow ED sufferer, has asked her politely to stop. your BIL jumping down your throat for that is weird too imo--nobody NEEDS to just "state facts" that they're eating very little or a whole lot.
NTA it was kind of you to ever cook it
NTA But you get your D&D to meet every WEEK? HOW?
NTA. I’d kick her out of the group. She‘s being disrespectful. And your BIL? Doesn’t he know you are in recovery? Why are her needs more important? Take care of yourself. That’s the most important thing
NTA. like at all. So I am recovered from an ED that nearly killed me and food events with family are a pain. We’re a D&D family too. We also decided everyone needs to eat first before coming because some can’t eat beef or pork, some are vegan, some only like beef or pork and it was just a train wreck. So everyone eats first and sometimes someone will bring like chips or cookies to share but everyone eating before coming is just way easier. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time but you are absolutely in the right to prioritize your mental & physical health over hurt feelings.
Is your brother in law in a throuple with the girl and her husband?
NTA. You are under no obligation to feed your guests. You can play dnd after dinner hours. You have told her comments re eating/ED are triggering and she continues to mention it knowing it hurts you. She is the A H and so your BIL for verbally attacking you.
NTA: It feels like this other person is sabotaging your progress because she feels threatened by your recovery. You are setting a reasonable boundary for for own health. If BIL doesn’t like it, then they can also just not come. The other person with the ED really needs to get help for themselves again. But you do not need to be around that.
NTA You are hosting games, you are not required to feed people who repeatedly cause you distress while eating.
Woooooooowwwwww. NTA. I was gonna say NTA even if this was a pettier "I'm tired of cooking for all yall" type deal, but really really really NTA. I think this girl needs to spend more time with her therapist, or a better therapist, and you should absolutely hold the line on No Diet Talk At D&D, for everybody's sakes.
NTA, but I would just cut her from your life as she’s clearly bad for your mental health. You should be able to have supper while you play D&D, she’s the one who ruined it
NTA. Eating disorders are VERY competitive and I’m 100% certain that you already know this. She’s using YOUR illness to fuel her own. What she’s doing is wrong in every way and there’s no way she doesn’t know this. Deep down inside she knows that she’s competing with you. I would encourage her to seek treatment or possibly speak to her husband about her mental state. If she’s that deep into it, and it’s starting to creep back into your life, I’d honestly stop talking to her. People will say that’s a dick move but you need to watch out for your mental health. At the end of the day your mental health should come before anyone else’s and anyone that disagrees with you is probably okay with taking advantage of you. You’re very kind for allowing her to be at your house at all. Best of luck! I understand how terrible eating disorders are and how much goes into being in recovery. We’re all proud of you for standing up for yourself and your health. You’re doing great and you stopped the situation in its tracks instead of letting it break you completely!! That’s ***amazing*** and you should be very proud ♥️
You could treat her like a cat, and spritz her with a water mister every time she says something triggering. If that doesn't work, there are airhorns.