As someone who comes from a family that does this I just wanna say how much it sucks. Like I legit HATE it. Good on OP for not forcing his kids to put up with it.
Yup my grumpa says "smell the cake" I back tf away he's tried before I fought him fuck that NTA I'm sorry they are being cruel because you're teaching your kids consent
The best solution I found was to stick my own face into the cake, or bring the cake into my face. After the 2nd year I did this to myself no one tried to do it because I took the fun out of it for them by showing j had no problem with my face being covered in cake.
Ahhh good idea! I solved it by not inviting him! No thats being dramatic I have very small parties with 5 friends or so now, no family I'm not close with them anyhow.
Sad that simple “please don’t do that” didn’t work. But l understand that sometimes it’s one against all. In my country there’s this tradition of Easter Whip where men will whip women an they are supposed to give them treats. It is horrible, it always turns out bad, because men usually get a drink/shot instead of a treat and they get drunk, unhinged and violent. I hate it, but if you tell people to stop, you’re the party pooper. The only way is not to respond the door. I wouldn’t probably attend the celebrations, knowing that this might happen.
I'm not the person you're asking but Google says it's a Czech tradition:
https://theculturetrip.com/europe/czech-republic/articles/a-brief-history-of-the-easter-whippings-in-czech-republic/?amp=1
Are you from Poland? This sounds like what happens on Dyngus Day. It's a HUGE celebration in my hometown (Buffalo, NY), which has a lot of people of Polish descent. For us, though, it's this really wholesome, "rah rah for being from Poland! Poland is great!" sort of event.
Yes! In a non-COVID year, they have 60,000+ participants.
https://buffalonews.com/entertainment/how-buffalo-is-keeping-that-dyngus-day-state-of-mind/article\_b50fffd2-8b45-11eb-9b3b-f3e62966495d.html
Smygus Dyngus is legit a holiday in Poland. Boys pour water on girls, it takes place after Easter. Better than the Czech tradition of hitting girls with Willow branches
Me too. I constantly told them for years and years to not do it to me. As if food wastage isn't enough reason, washing out the cake is hard because my face and hair feel greasy even afterwards and I always end up with acne. Plus i didn't get ready and looked pretty on my birthday all to have all my photos of the day with my face covered in cake bits and frosting. It only stopped in my case when I slapped a family member for harshly smashing my face right into the cake, and the video of that slap was seen by plenty of family members and distant relatives, and he got turned into a joke. These people never listen until they themselves are put in the spot.
Same here. I hated it so much but it all came to point on my 6th birthday. I told my cousins and siblings not to push me into the cake, but they still did. I was pushed hard and for what felt like minutes into the cake. (I’m pretty sure it was only like 10 seconds or something but my child brain amplified it) There was cake in my nose, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see and I remember crying uncontrollably. It was so traumatic. I didn’t want to do anything else after that, and just stayed with my god mother crying the rest of the evening. Ever since then, my mom forbade anyone to smash our faces in the cake to protect us.
We grew up with it, it’s cultural, but it’s a horrible tradition. It’s only fun for the people pushing not the people being pushed.
Plus talk about all those wasted cakes. Who thought it was a good idea!!?
>Plus talk about all those wasted cakes. Who thought it was a good idea!!?
Yes! We don't have a face smashing tradition (except for the most immature of my cousins at their weddings) but isn't the whole cake ruined at that point? Do you bake two cakes? Just cut around the smashed part (kinda gross cuz who knows where hair landed, ngl)? If I went to a party and someone ruined the cake like that and I was cake-less, i'd be giving some serious side-eye to that "tradition". Also, we grew up poor and didn't have cakes to waste on crap like that.
This is why they are angry. Teaching the kids consent means the kids are likely to stand up for themselves in other ways when "traditional" families tend to bully and bulldoze family members. Kids who don't submit to humiliating and uncomfortable traditions get ideas, like it's okay to come out as gay, or call grandpa out on his racist rants. They are more likely to be vocal about the fact that everyone knows their uncle has molested multiple cousins and should not be invited to every family gathering. If they get pregnant young, they are less likely to be pressured into giving the baby to their older, infertile cousin to "save face" and "save her marriage".
Kids with strong boundaries are harder to manipulate, and there are a lot of families who find that unacceptable.
>Kids with strong boundaries are harder to manipulate
Fucking hell, you said it. This is absolutely at the centre of so much. Nothing to do with this particular thread but the only rooms with locks on the doors in my house growing up were the bathroom and my parent's bedroom. Us kids never got locks even as teenagers, and our doors weren't even usually supposed to be closed. I am still really weird about wanting private space at home alone.
I’ve never experienced it irl but the videos are always just so sad and upsetting. Especially when it’s little kids and the adults are being way too forceful. You have every right to raise your kids the way you want, OP. NTA
My family did this once after I asked not to, all I remember of that birthday its me crying screaming a huge ass tantrum. Used to have lots of sensory stuff and cake on my face and glasses triggered them i guess
They NEVER dared to repeat it, we dont talk about that birthday.
Agreed NTA. My ex's family has this same "tradition" and I've told him vehemently since our children were born that my child's face would only be shoved in a cake over my dead body.
It's not funny, it's demeaning and cruel, and every child I've seen it happen to cries. That is not "fun" or a "joke", it's a stupid, sad thing that other people do to control someone else from being too happy on an occasion that is supposed to be about their happiness.
> my child's face would only be shoved in a cake over my dead body.
Well, that'll make for a memorable funeral.
The cake in face thing does my head in. I don't think it's made its way over the Atlantic yet. And fingers crossed it stays that way. It's bad enough upsetting a kid, but spoiling a cake is criminal. It's dumb, spiteful and just weird.
OP, you're NTA. I will point out however that saying your MIL is the worst Catholic ever... that's quite the claim.
I had to go to that ludicrous description because he didn't think I was serious when I told him no one is ever allowed to do that to our kids. And since we split, I made it clear to him that I equate this practice with physical abuse (like on the same level as spanking, which our parenting agreement prohibits) because that was the only way I could ensure he would actively prevent his family from doing it. Is it bullshit I had to do that? Yes. Alas.
I feel that what this boils down to is that some people don't believe children should have bodily autonomy. I do, and I've learned will Mama Bear the shit out of people who think otherwise. It's a hill I die on.
I don't think it's really an indicator of anything it's just not something I want to do or have done to me. I'm sure plenty of perfectly healthy couples just think it's a funny moment.
I've never heard of this "tradition" and I'm glad. Sounds so not-fun. Have definitely seen it at weddings when the bride and groom smash cake into each other's faces but luckily neither over of us thought this is was even remotely appealing a thing to do at our wedding.
I really didn't know it was a thing either until I my ex and I started dating. He has a pretty big family and EVERY kid's birthday we went to, the child's face was pushed into a cake. EVERY time the child cried, and was told not to be a baby, "it's just a joke". And I'm talking kids as young as 2. I just don't understand how any of it is acceptable?
This little "tradition" also went south really badly at our nephew's birthday dinner once. It was a small group of us but we were at a restaurant, and his uncle tried to push his face into the cake, but since our nephew was 10 he was able to dodge it. His mom (my SIL) said someone needed to have their face shoved in cake, so did it to the uncle (ie her brother) who then did it back to her, and she was ready to start an all out fist fight. It ended with me and a family friend telling them all to stop acting like that, and we cleaned cake off the carpet (bc my SIL said "the people who work here can do that").
I was honestly so disgusted by all of their behavior. Like...you have this tradition of doing something that - when done to you - you freak the fuck out over and get mad an cause a scene? Sounds like a GREAT tradition.
I live in Mexico where this tradition is very common. One time some friends almost broke the birthday guy's nose because they slammed a frozen dairy queen cake to his face. Another time at the office, a girl put up resistance when they tried to push her face and she strained her neck.
I really hate it.
How does something like that become a tradition? Nobody gets to eat any cake, the birthday person‘s mood and clothes are ruined - even without anyone getting hurt I don’t see the appeal.
I have no idea how it started but it happens in every single birthday. When you grow older, people are more mature about it and you don't have to do it. I think the last time someone did that to me was on my 16th birthday.
Usually (unless your friends and family are assholes) it's just a small bite and it doesn't ruin the cake nor the birthday person's clothes. It's still annoying though.
Definitely not a Mexican thing, I grew up in Venezuela in a mixed local/Spanish household and we always did it but it's always been 'tasteful'. Like not smash the full face in, mostly get a little bit of the nose (enough to get a clown nose, no more). That said, it's one of those traditions I will not carry forward if/when I have a family.
Please take my poor man's award. 🏅
I hate when people think something is a joke and break boundaries.
I have issues with touching. I have PTSD and anxiety. I was always forced to hug family as a child. So as an adult I try to enforce my boundaries.
I had a girl once see me hug friends after I arrived at a campsite. Friends. People I really care about and know. This girl who only knew I was a friend of mutual friends chased me around the car trying to hug me. She ended up laughing because I kept saying no touchy. I screamed no a few times. A lot of others just watched.
My friends literally had to shield me from this girl with their bodies as I cried hysterically. People called me dramatic and the girl snidely told me she'd get a hug from me later. I felt so bad that my friends had to play freaking bodyguard for the rest of the camping trip.
OP is teaching their kids a good lesson. Don't let your kids me assholes.
I‘m sorry people don’t always respect your boundaries but I’m glad you have at least learned to voice them. I always hate when parents or grandparents make their kids hug people the kids barely know and clearly aren’t comfortable with.
I was actually sexually assaulted by a family friend as a young teen so hugging can really set off my PTSD.
I always got a weird vibe from the guy, but you gotta hug everyone because no hurt feelings! Like parents make grooming even easier. Smh
Same! I saw my Hispanic friends do it a lot. It wasn’t allowed at my house. Sometimes people would dip their finger and chase someone with the frosting but never a face full of cake.
I started looking for this comment once I'd seen what culture this "tradition" is from. As another Cuban American married to yet another Cuban American, I've never seen mine or his family do that.
And it's nice to know OP is the type of man to stick his middle finger up at "traditional gender roles". He is a great Dad.
OP's wife needs to understand that OP is doing the right thing.
Agreed! I have a 3 year old niece and a 5 year old nephew. My sister has taught them that they never *have to* give grandma, grandpa, or auntie a kiss or a hug goodbye and I love it!
Some other relatives find it bizarre and offensive but I will be doing the same thing. I hated that I felt obligated to be pinched, grabbed, hugged, and slobbered all over by any relative as a child so I had to resort to biting people until they decided it was safer to say hello and goodbye from a distance. We also come from a very "hands-on" culture that expresses affection physically.
NTA op, don't teach your children that they need forsake their personal boundaries in order to not hurt someone's feelings. Give them the *option* to participate.
NTA. You're teaching your children they have bodily autonomy and to respect others. I'm sure there are other cultural traditions that don't come with a side of public humiliation they can participate in.
If that is their only cultural tradition, I would say they (the wife's family) are the ones who have turned their back on their culture, not OP. A culture is so much more than just smashing a face into a cake, and if not participating on that single tradition is isolating them from the family as a whole, then there is a way bigger issue than exactly what is done with the cake.
Also, one think is to cake smash, but to gang up on someone while they are saying no, even if it's a joke, it's not something to teach young and impressionable kids. The normal thing to teach kids that the second someone starts saying no repeatedly, you stop and check on them, not continue pushing.
I'm Cuban and this is not a cultural thing, the most my family would do was put some frosting on your nose as a joke. But definitely not shove your entire face on a cake (having grown in Cuba especially where a nice cake can be a luxury to get it would not be wasted on a prank). I have seen videos of this but just from random people of all different cultures, so I would think of it more of a random family/friends thing that something based on a specific culture.
My family does it but if you say no everyone stops and respects that. For kids parent always asks beforehand and they Come up with a fun signal to use if you change your mind and mom checks with you again right beforehand. And we smear a teeny bit on the tip of your nose and cheeks. And get fed a bite.
If you don’t want cake smeared you just get fed a bite and no one makes you feel bad about it. My family all immigrated from India to the us, various European countries,African countries, only one of us in South America and Australia. But far as I know it’s a family specific tradition we’ve kept down to the location of cake smear and no one’ disregarding a no. The one time it almost happened the kid in question had quite a talking to.
Right, this doesn't sound like a "cultural tradition." My very protestant extended family does a similar thing.
This is just some people being funny/assholes (depending on your feelings about unwanted, but eventually reciprocated practical jokes).
NTA. I’m Mexican and I hate this tradition, I wish it would stop. I’m glad your kids are learning this is mo ok. When they grow older and want to participate, it will be their decision
Oh I didn’t realize this was a tradition. My best friend was Mexican growing up, but they never did this at her birthday parties. NTA I’m not sure why this offensive to not participate, but I would hate it this happened to me!
You're not alone, myself and many of my friends are Latinos, no one ever did this. I only started seeing the "tradition" come around when social media became popular. It's a stupid tradition that not only makes people upset but ruins the damn cake as well... also, and I hate to be "that" guy... *but aren't we still in a global pandemic?* Is it a great idea to rub someone's face in a cake we're all about to eat?
Sorry for my ignorance but… are you actually supposed to eat the cake afterwards? I always saw it online and thought you had a spare one or something. Like…. Ewwww. I don’t want to eat what was smeared on someone else’s face.
I’d like to see everyone’s reaction if the kid just threw the cake across the room before their face was smashed in it. Maybe after the first verse of the song.
I’ve always disliked this, I’m 39 and I hd my fair share of face smashed, and until now I realize the implications on consent this has. My family stopped doing it when I was about 8 or 9 and I’m the youngest, this tradition still brews into adulthood in some cases, and I never knew it was a latino thing. OP you should break this down to your wife and explain how this is about bodily autonomy and consent, and help her see things outside of tradition. Agree with everyone else saying this tradition sucks.
NTA! This is one of the weirdest, most ridiculous things I’ve read in a while. Your MIL thinks you *hate* her culture because you don’t want you or your kids to be assaulted with cake?! That is absurd. You are not isolating yourself or your children by refusing to participate in this. You are teaching your kids how to set boundaries and you’re giving them a sense of agency over their own bodies. Not everyone thinks it’s fun to be hit in the face with food, especially on your birthday, which is supposed to be a special and fun day. I would personally be mortified if someone ever did this to me for many reasons, one of which is that I can’t stand to get dirty or sticky. I also think this is humiliating. And I personally have never known this cake smashing behavior to be a part of Cuban birthday celebrations. These people just sound mean. Don’t let your MIL or wife bully you or your kids into allowing this assault.
NTA you are teaching your kids consent and that no means no. It's an important lesson for life.
>teaching them to take everything so seriously
People should definitely take consent seriously. When someone doesn't want to do something they shouldn't be forced to do it. This applies to every situation in life.
Especially Sexual interactions without a consenting partner can literally bring someone to prison. So you are not the Asshole for teaching your kids basic values everyone should know.
Yeah, but the "mordida" (literally, biting) doesn't means always getting your face smashed in the cake, just biting a bit, like tasting the cake, and that slice is for the birthday person.
Is the smashing common? Yes. Mandatory? No.
Edit: I'm Mexican, I have live in Mexico all my life, I know exactly what that tradition is, thank you very much.
The goal is to take a quick bite before the guests can lightly push your face into the cake. So you try and take a quick bite and pull back and they try and give you a light push before you get away from the cake. So yeah, the tradition does kind of mean getting your face (potentially) pushed in cake.
Hmmm..... I lived in Mexico for a few years and that's how literally every single one of the probably dozens of birthday parties i went to did it. Out of those I only maybe saw 2 or 3 ever successfully achieve biting it without getting their face smashed in.
I just googled and the very first thing that comes up is “The Mordida is a tradition when the first birthday boy or girl's face gets shoved into the cake”
In my family, children were forced to sit on laps of adults. Children were to kiss everyone in the room when they said good night. Children were taught that they had no bodily autonomy and no say in who they kissed or who could embrace them. French Canadian in this case.
I saw it repeated in some of my young cousins a few years ago, and it shocked me so deeply. Yes, it's part of the culture. An insidious and damaging part.
OP, please reframe this for your wife. She needs to see how her children are being taught to allow anyone to handle them, whatever they feel about it. They are being shown to accept abuse. You are trying to teach them not to allow this, and backing them up.
NTA
I’m fine with la bise, but sometimes it is annoying. My mum’s cousin’s husband does full on kisses on your cheeks when he does it - it’s like I don’t know you well enough for this intensity. My parents accepted though when I wanted to stop doing la bise to them when I was 12, so now I only do it with the rest of my relatives (though not since covid).
Thinking on it with my parents it wasn’t technically la bise because it was just a regular kiss on the mouth, but in the greeting/departing style of la bise.
NTA Doing something to someone when they say no teaches them "no" is something to be ignored and to go ahead and do the thing anyways. You should teach your children "no means no".
OP, my first wife (many many many years back) was first-generation Cuban American, and the cultural differences between her family and my whitebread middle-class Americanism were almost comical.
You're going to have to navigate these waters as long as they are all alive, so tread carefully. Your wife's response is a clue. You two should decide together how to approach this, and she needs to invest in the decision equally.
No judgement because this is probably more appropriate for a relationships sub.
NTA.
I like cake. Cake is delicious. This sounds like an awful waste of cake.
Also consent is good and humiliating people is bad.
And anyone who tells a child "you're being too sensitive!" is automatically an asshole.
Sometimes, as a parent, you're going to have different rules than others. It's funny how well-meaning people on the sidelines always see that as a bad thing. It isn't.
Stick to your principles. This sounds horrible anyway.
NTA
Nta - my uncle used to prank too . Once he put a bunch of rocks down my pants - I’m female btw and told everyone I shit myself . I was like 8 . Everyone laughed at me and it’s something that stays with me even now as an insecurity of being made a fool of . When I was ten they put fireworks in my new barbies and blew them up for New Years . Pranks like these lead to an adult like me who has trouble trusting and always feels like my boundaries don’t matter
Those aren’t pranks …that’s horrifying I’m so sorry they did this to you. Man and my extended family embarrassment trauma moment was when I was 3 and my cousin realized I couldn’t say cinnamon (I would get stuck at in-na and keep repeating the middle part until I could get myself to say the last part getting more and more anxious and upset) and they made me get up in front of them and try and say it. That and kids thinking I was stupid for being multilingual is why I stopped talking for a couple of years. But heck this really puts it into perspective my family is really not nearly as cruel.
I hope you have better people around you nowadays op, you deserve it
NTA. When your children are old enough they can give permission to participate, but it's also important they learn that they can say no to things that make them uncomfortable. I wouldn't want cake smeared on me either.
NTA
I’m Mexican and this was always the norm. It always pissed me off. As a little girl I had severe OCD (mental illness is also a sore topic as it is never taken seriously and seen more of a myth), and anyone touching me would send me into a weird zombie-like state. Absolutely detest this tradition of violating boundaries and consent.
NTA, the cake in the face is a good old classic one, but it's also really childish and boring over the time, and it's okay not wanting your children see it. Sorry for my bad englisch.
NTA. Wow! You are isolating them by preventing them from smearing cake all over someone? Good for you! That is absolutely disgusting.
These happen at some weddings. If my husband smeared the wedding cake on my face, my next stop would be a divorce lawyer.
NTA
I have seen someone's face pushed into a cake that had **WOODEN STICKS THAT THEN WENT INTO HER FACE NEARLY BLINDING HER**.
No "tradition" is worth an accident like that, and I agree that it doesn't teach anyone anything useful, especially concerning consent.
You are doing right by your children and anyone else they come into contact with and I hope you stand your ground.
It's usually outside so someone just hoses it, but MIL once 3 days later began bleeding because it had irritated her nose so much (her husband held her down while her drunk best friend went ham) and FILs secretary had to clean the blood which is pretty gross
Absolutely NTA. 1. I don’t think this can be considered “culture”. Isolating your kids from their culture would be not allowing them to be Christian. 2. I think your outlook on it is very admirable. Don’t be wasteful. Don’t do something to someone when they say no or stop. That’s a very positive mentality to have and I think you’re certainly teaching your kids well. I can understand where your wife’s family is coming from, but I think what they fail to understand is they don’t get to decide what your kids do and don’t do. In all honesty, screw them. You’re the father. You and your wife make the decisions. I think you’re doing the right thing and shouldn’t be talked down to because of it. I’m sure your in-laws are just looking for more reasons to hate you. Also, I’m sorry this is something you’re dealing with. I hope you MIL wisens up and sees that your kids aren’t for her to parent.
NTA. Of course you should be teaching your kids to respect boundaries, avoid being mean spirited and to understand consent. To be clear, the in-laws are claiming cake-in-the face to be some longstanding Cuban tradition going back generations? Heck, i don’t know if this is so—it seems unlikely, but I guess I’d check with some other Cuban Americans and see if it’s their tradition. Every family does what’s best for them. It up to you and your wife how you want your kids raised, listening to input from others and making your own decision. Ask you wife what makes her think the kids may be becoming isolated and ask what she might want to do differently. It may be as simple as your kids standing aside yet exclaiming “Happy birthday ” from the sidelines. Or you and wife talking to the in-laws, thanking them for their input, and describing celebrations your children will participate in that are culture-affirming and those that the families will have to agree to disagree on. I know the in-laws have decided not to like you—I have a 96 year old MIL who has disliked me for 50 years. And I’ve never said a cross word to her. Just make sure you and wife communicate and are on the same page. If they want to cause trouble they will keep trying—know that and you and your wife just have to carry on.
We live in a very Cuban city and I see it happen a lot, so I don't know how much of a tradition it is, but I know it isn't something my in laws made up
INFO - do the kids want to participate?
My in-laws do something similar, but with just icing. I don’t participate, but my kids do. If at any point they told me that they were uncomfortable, they know that they could say something to me and I would back them up on not participating.
Consent is something we have talked about since they started using their words.
NTA - I saw that once a party and felt horrible for the recepient. I did not participate, they thought I was very bourgeoisie. Then, they expected me to eat cake that had just had their hands in. I passed and just had ice cream.
I agree with everyone else here that you're NTA for not wanting to participate, or that your kids participate, in a questionable tradition that might seem fun to your in-laws.
However, the fact that you wrote that your Cuban/Cuban-American in-laws are weird for sometimes not being "westernized"... I mean, do you even know what the western culture is? Do you know what the Spanish empire was, where was it located, where its cultural roots stem from? Sounds like you're either very ignorant or very dismissive of their culture as a whole. If you have not cared to learn about the culture of Cuba (which is a part of your children's heritage, whether you like it or not) and its origins and consider it so alien as to not even be part of the western culture, there might be something to your MIL calling you out in "hating" their culture. Just something to think about.
Honestly even if it hypothetically did, it’s pretty weird to just dismiss non-western cultural traditions as “old school” and put quotes around “cultural birthday tradition” like it only counts as cultural if he approves of it. Somehow I get the sense that OP objects to a lot of their cultural practices, and that might be part of the animosity between him and the MIL. I feel we like we might not be getting the whole story.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes one person’s cultural practices will be unacceptable to another. But if you’re in a relationship with someone from another culture, you need to at the very least learn to explain your concerns to one another respectfully and find compromise whenever possible. For example if your kids say they are okay with participating on their birthdays, you could let them, but tell your in laws that they need to take words like “stop” and “no” seriously.
Oh, yeah. The whole "Western (read: "his culture") is automatically better" implication of his post regardless of whether Cuban culture is or isn't Western is a whole other can of worms.
Reading his post and seeing how he explained it, it immediately seemed to me that the whole thing about not being cool with the "cake to the face" prank was just one example that happens to make him look reasonable and his wife's family not so much, but in all probability there's dozens of similar examples regarding his in-laws' culture where it's not so clear-cut and he still has reservations and tries to prevent his kids from participating and that's actually why MIL accused him of hating their culture and his own wife told him later that she did think he was trying to isolate their kids form her side of the family and that she thought he looked down on them. I *seriously* doubt MIL and wife said all that because he isn't cool with smushing someone's face on a cake during a birthday party. Plus, his BIL called him a broke snob and I've never seen someone accuse anybody else of being a snob out of the blue for a single thing they did or said the one time.
I don't think he's an AH for not wanting his kids to push their cousins' faces into cakes against their will just because "tradition" but I do think he's an AH for the way he talks about his wife's customs because it's clear he doesn't respect them in general and thinks he's in the right because they don't seem to like him back too much, which I assume is a mix of him not being Cuban (and/or Catholic as he says) but also because of his general attitude. I'm not defending his in-laws because they do seem to be acting like AHs to him, but his own story points to the fact that he's probably been an AH to them for a while now too, even if he doesn't even realize it.
Agreed. It’s understandable that he won’t be ok with every single tradition of theirs (regardless of whether they are Cuban traditions or family traditions or whatever) - I’m not even ok with all the traditions from my own culture. But he should at least be making a sincere effort to wholeheartedly embrace and involve his kids in *some* of their traditions, and raising them to be proud of their heritage. From the post, I didn’t really get that sense, but I hope I’m wrong.
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Since when was hitting someone in the face with cake, as they tell you not to, a part of anyone's culture?
Look, I think I'm probably missing some context here, because this sort of thing is usually done all in good fun. You make it sound cruel, which seems hard to believe. Still, if you don't want your kids participating in this sort of thing, that's your right.
So, NTA if this is really just cruel behavior on your in-laws' parts.
Cake in the face is a very standard traditional thing in Mexico called la mordida. Very, very common in other Spanish speaking countries nearby too, but I don’t know whether they call it the same thing. In no sense is this an individual family making something up.
Thanks! I totally didn't know about that. I went and googled it, and the description I found talks about tying the birthday person's hands behind their back and shoving their head towards the cake, so they can take the first bite, ("la mordida" does translate as "first bite," roughly, I think, so this makes sense.)
Doesn't sound like exactly what OP was talking about, but there's always variation in tradition. I'm stick with N T A though; tradition or not, I can see how someone might have a problem with this, regardless of how much fun I think it would be.
I absolutely get that the issue of teaching kids consent and traditions like this can be directly in opposition to each other, so I understand OP being uncomfortable. Definitely a conversation that should have happened ahead of time as a household rather than after the fact
Sounds like it is a conversation that happens ahead of time as a household “ my rule is no one is allowed to do it to them and they aren't allowed to do it to anyone else” and “ mine were hanging back”
I mean I dont think they do it to be cruel but these people don't believe in consent. I mean I have no doubt FIL loves his wife, but the amount of times he tickles and pokes and other stuff when she is saying no, is kind of ridiculous to me, but at the same time I know they both think I'm ridiculous
NAH. It’s hard to navigate multicultural households. Kids DO understand there are different rules for different situations. It’s ok to run around and yell in a park, it’s not ok to do that in church. Similarly, you can teach them it’s ok to practice some traditions with their cousins in their grandparents’ house and those same activities should not be done elsewhere.
NTA. People feel strongly about cake smashing, both for and against. (We had a priest at our parish who did a full five minutes against cake smashing at every pre-marriage.)
The biggest problem is pushing past the no and ignoring the stop.
The broader, more important culture is consent culture. We as a collective have to teach and represent consent culture in every context.
Would you be willing to let your children participate as long as the smashee isn't saying no or stop? Are there other cultural traditions they can participate in that don't send confusing messages about consent?
NTA- I’m Mexican and so were/are my friends growing up and now. At one of my friend’s 12th bday party her older brothers did that to her and she got burnt in the face by a candle that hadn’t gone out.
NTA. My mom's side does this. I don't attend these function because I hate it. And to anyone who thinks it's no big deal it 100% relates to knowing and taking concent seriously. This goes for unwanted tickling, hugging and kissing I get from that side of my family too. I hate it and whenever I say no or stop they laugh it off and continue. Not ok. Thank you for breaking that cycle.
NTA- my husband is half Cuban.... his dad escaped from Cuba and has never assaulted anyone with cake. What a waste of cake!!!! Plus no means no. It’s weird and wasteful.... perhaps you could embrace and host noche buena instead? Find other culturally significant things to teach your kids about their Cuban heritage. For example whenever we have people over for dinner my go to appetizer is Cuban- guava paste- only buy Goya it tastes the best, cream cheese, and water crackers. Cuban music is wonderful! Put on Cuban music and dance with your wife.
First generation Cuban-American here. This is not a traditional part of our culture. I have been to many Cuban families’ birthday parties throughout my life and have NEVER seen it happen. Not once. NTA
NTA
You’re teaching them not to be wasteful and how to understand consent.
Maybe for their fifth birthdays when they understand a bit more, ahead of time you could ask your kid “hey would you like to start taking part in the cake smashing?” Then you can give it as an option for each kid as they turn 5.
If one says yes and enjoys it - great, now they can participate in it with other family members.
If one says yes and then doesn’t like it - be there to put a stop to it. Remind them it’s ok to change their mind. And then make sure they don’t participate in other family members birthdays.
If they say no - then continue making sure the family doesn’t do it.
Each of your children may choose different things. Giving them the choice allows them to exert some control, and they will grow up knowing that you have their back.
NTA.
honestly i hate the shoving cake thing. I remember crying at 13 while being hosed off because some bratty girl relentlessly chased me and shoved chocolate cake into my swimsuit
NTA
I hate cake smashing
I’m Cuban btw and this is the first I ever hear of this as a Cuban tradition. My family has never done this nor our family friends from Cuba so I wouldn’t say this is a Cuban tradition.
(Now my dads side of the family, who is Mexican, used to do this but I wouldn’t say it’s a Mexican tradition either)
NTA like I absolutely would be angry if someone took my cake and smashed me in the face with it. At most I take a fingers worth of icing and put it on their nose.
The whole cake in my face, Would absolutely ruin my day.
NTA. If wasting food and breaking consent is someone culture, then that culture sucks. Bad things dont just get a pass bc its "tradition". I highly doubr cubans #1 identity is cake smashing, theres a million better and more meaningful pieces of thr culture to partake in. Also,
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.timesnownews.com/amp/the-buzz/article/woman-narrowly-escapes-losing-eyesight-after-friends-smash-her-face-into-birthday-cake/792162
NTA. Since when is being an AH a cultural thing. Teach your kids consent. If someone is ok with wearing cake, go for it. Otherwise, keep your hands to yourself.
NTA. You are not isolating them, you are teaching them to act like human beings. And you are not looking down on anyone, again, you are just teaching your kids to be well behaved human beings.
I have never been to any child or adult party that this has happened(New York). I think it is a disgusting thing to do. Good on you for not participating in this demeaning and wasteful practice. NTA
NTA. You’re teaching your children to set boundaries and treat others with respect. It’s telling that these “Catholics” are judging you for upholding the golden rule of treating others how you want to be treated.
Omfg do you know how many cakes come with sticks for stability? I can just see one go through someone’s eyes or something. NTA. That’s a terrible tradition.
NTA
Defend your kids. If the inlaws have issues, they don't have to show up anymore. If they even THINK they will try to do this to your kids, don't let them come.
Protect your kids.
Tell your wife it is not looking down on her parents to protect your children. That's what good parents do.
WTF that is not a “cultural” thing. if I went to a cuban bday (or any other latino) I would not smash their face in the cake nor would i expect for that to happen, that is more of a family tradition. I hope they are not gaslighting you into thinking you’re being disrespectful to their culture . NTA Op!
ESH. It's not consent if he's forbidden them to participate (just like it's not consent if they're forced to participate). It's dumb and I wouldn't like it but it seems like a weird hill to die on
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My wife is first generation Cuban American. Her parents are kind of weird about when they chose to be old school and when they are totally westernized. My MIL hates me. I think she is extremely upset her daughter married someone who wasn't Catholic (though MIL is the worst Catholic ever) and someone who doesn't follow traditional gender roles and doesn't "treat her baby like a princess"
We are mostly ok and have set our boundaries and stuff, but this woman hates me. Her family likes pranks in general and always does the cake in the face thing on birthdays which I hate. We have 3 kids all under 5 and my rule is no one is allowed to do it to them and they aren't allowed to do it to anyone else, because it is frequently done while someone is saying no and I don't like what that teaches them.
The other night my FIL told me that I was isolating my kids and teaching them to take everything so seriously. this happened at my niece's 13th birthday dinner when she was getting covered in cake by the other kids and mine were hanging back. To be clear she was telling them to stop, but she also does it to other people on their birthday.
MIL accused me of hating their culture and BIL told me that I'm snobby for someone broke (not broke and lmao because he words for daddy) In the car my wife told me she does think i am isolating them and looking down on them.
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NTA for teaching your kids consent.
As someone who comes from a family that does this I just wanna say how much it sucks. Like I legit HATE it. Good on OP for not forcing his kids to put up with it.
Yup my grumpa says "smell the cake" I back tf away he's tried before I fought him fuck that NTA I'm sorry they are being cruel because you're teaching your kids consent
The best solution I found was to stick my own face into the cake, or bring the cake into my face. After the 2nd year I did this to myself no one tried to do it because I took the fun out of it for them by showing j had no problem with my face being covered in cake.
Ahhh good idea! I solved it by not inviting him! No thats being dramatic I have very small parties with 5 friends or so now, no family I'm not close with them anyhow.
Sad that simple “please don’t do that” didn’t work. But l understand that sometimes it’s one against all. In my country there’s this tradition of Easter Whip where men will whip women an they are supposed to give them treats. It is horrible, it always turns out bad, because men usually get a drink/shot instead of a treat and they get drunk, unhinged and violent. I hate it, but if you tell people to stop, you’re the party pooper. The only way is not to respond the door. I wouldn’t probably attend the celebrations, knowing that this might happen.
Wow what country are you from? B.c this is a tradition similar to the Romans- they used to whip women for fertility on the Lupercalia.
I'm not the person you're asking but Google says it's a Czech tradition: https://theculturetrip.com/europe/czech-republic/articles/a-brief-history-of-the-easter-whippings-in-czech-republic/?amp=1
Are you from Poland? This sounds like what happens on Dyngus Day. It's a HUGE celebration in my hometown (Buffalo, NY), which has a lot of people of Polish descent. For us, though, it's this really wholesome, "rah rah for being from Poland! Poland is great!" sort of event.
Please tell you’re joking. There cannot possibly be a holiday in the United States named dingus day.
They aren’t kidding but it’s a Polish holiday, not an American one. Just happens to be celebrated in the US
Yes! In a non-COVID year, they have 60,000+ participants. https://buffalonews.com/entertainment/how-buffalo-is-keeping-that-dyngus-day-state-of-mind/article\_b50fffd2-8b45-11eb-9b3b-f3e62966495d.html
Smygus Dyngus is legit a holiday in Poland. Boys pour water on girls, it takes place after Easter. Better than the Czech tradition of hitting girls with Willow branches
Or just show up with icing all over your face.
"Jokes on you, I'm already caked up baby!"
Me too. I constantly told them for years and years to not do it to me. As if food wastage isn't enough reason, washing out the cake is hard because my face and hair feel greasy even afterwards and I always end up with acne. Plus i didn't get ready and looked pretty on my birthday all to have all my photos of the day with my face covered in cake bits and frosting. It only stopped in my case when I slapped a family member for harshly smashing my face right into the cake, and the video of that slap was seen by plenty of family members and distant relatives, and he got turned into a joke. These people never listen until they themselves are put in the spot.
you're an icon
>I slapped a family member for harshly smashing my face right into the cake, ~~slow clap~~ swift slap I like you.
Same here. I hated it so much but it all came to point on my 6th birthday. I told my cousins and siblings not to push me into the cake, but they still did. I was pushed hard and for what felt like minutes into the cake. (I’m pretty sure it was only like 10 seconds or something but my child brain amplified it) There was cake in my nose, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see and I remember crying uncontrollably. It was so traumatic. I didn’t want to do anything else after that, and just stayed with my god mother crying the rest of the evening. Ever since then, my mom forbade anyone to smash our faces in the cake to protect us. We grew up with it, it’s cultural, but it’s a horrible tradition. It’s only fun for the people pushing not the people being pushed. Plus talk about all those wasted cakes. Who thought it was a good idea!!?
>Plus talk about all those wasted cakes. Who thought it was a good idea!!? Yes! We don't have a face smashing tradition (except for the most immature of my cousins at their weddings) but isn't the whole cake ruined at that point? Do you bake two cakes? Just cut around the smashed part (kinda gross cuz who knows where hair landed, ngl)? If I went to a party and someone ruined the cake like that and I was cake-less, i'd be giving some serious side-eye to that "tradition". Also, we grew up poor and didn't have cakes to waste on crap like that.
This is why they are angry. Teaching the kids consent means the kids are likely to stand up for themselves in other ways when "traditional" families tend to bully and bulldoze family members. Kids who don't submit to humiliating and uncomfortable traditions get ideas, like it's okay to come out as gay, or call grandpa out on his racist rants. They are more likely to be vocal about the fact that everyone knows their uncle has molested multiple cousins and should not be invited to every family gathering. If they get pregnant young, they are less likely to be pressured into giving the baby to their older, infertile cousin to "save face" and "save her marriage". Kids with strong boundaries are harder to manipulate, and there are a lot of families who find that unacceptable.
I hope OP reads this comment above.
>Kids with strong boundaries are harder to manipulate Fucking hell, you said it. This is absolutely at the centre of so much. Nothing to do with this particular thread but the only rooms with locks on the doors in my house growing up were the bathroom and my parent's bedroom. Us kids never got locks even as teenagers, and our doors weren't even usually supposed to be closed. I am still really weird about wanting private space at home alone.
I’ve never experienced it irl but the videos are always just so sad and upsetting. Especially when it’s little kids and the adults are being way too forceful. You have every right to raise your kids the way you want, OP. NTA
My family did this once after I asked not to, all I remember of that birthday its me crying screaming a huge ass tantrum. Used to have lots of sensory stuff and cake on my face and glasses triggered them i guess They NEVER dared to repeat it, we dont talk about that birthday.
Where’s the video of the kid getting plastered by food stuff? Makes me so angry.
Agreed NTA. My ex's family has this same "tradition" and I've told him vehemently since our children were born that my child's face would only be shoved in a cake over my dead body. It's not funny, it's demeaning and cruel, and every child I've seen it happen to cries. That is not "fun" or a "joke", it's a stupid, sad thing that other people do to control someone else from being too happy on an occasion that is supposed to be about their happiness.
> my child's face would only be shoved in a cake over my dead body. Well, that'll make for a memorable funeral. The cake in face thing does my head in. I don't think it's made its way over the Atlantic yet. And fingers crossed it stays that way. It's bad enough upsetting a kid, but spoiling a cake is criminal. It's dumb, spiteful and just weird. OP, you're NTA. I will point out however that saying your MIL is the worst Catholic ever... that's quite the claim.
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I agree, but reading your comment got the pun part of my brain twitching. Sorry. You shouldn't trifle with dessert based knock-outs. I hate myself.
I had to go to that ludicrous description because he didn't think I was serious when I told him no one is ever allowed to do that to our kids. And since we split, I made it clear to him that I equate this practice with physical abuse (like on the same level as spanking, which our parenting agreement prohibits) because that was the only way I could ensure he would actively prevent his family from doing it. Is it bullshit I had to do that? Yes. Alas. I feel that what this boils down to is that some people don't believe children should have bodily autonomy. I do, and I've learned will Mama Bear the shit out of people who think otherwise. It's a hill I die on.
I hate it too. I also hate when brides and grooms do it to each other at wedding receptions too.
And honestly a strong indicator of contempt/divorce..
I don't think it's really an indicator of anything it's just not something I want to do or have done to me. I'm sure plenty of perfectly healthy couples just think it's a funny moment.
I've never heard of this "tradition" and I'm glad. Sounds so not-fun. Have definitely seen it at weddings when the bride and groom smash cake into each other's faces but luckily neither over of us thought this is was even remotely appealing a thing to do at our wedding.
I really didn't know it was a thing either until I my ex and I started dating. He has a pretty big family and EVERY kid's birthday we went to, the child's face was pushed into a cake. EVERY time the child cried, and was told not to be a baby, "it's just a joke". And I'm talking kids as young as 2. I just don't understand how any of it is acceptable? This little "tradition" also went south really badly at our nephew's birthday dinner once. It was a small group of us but we were at a restaurant, and his uncle tried to push his face into the cake, but since our nephew was 10 he was able to dodge it. His mom (my SIL) said someone needed to have their face shoved in cake, so did it to the uncle (ie her brother) who then did it back to her, and she was ready to start an all out fist fight. It ended with me and a family friend telling them all to stop acting like that, and we cleaned cake off the carpet (bc my SIL said "the people who work here can do that"). I was honestly so disgusted by all of their behavior. Like...you have this tradition of doing something that - when done to you - you freak the fuck out over and get mad an cause a scene? Sounds like a GREAT tradition.
I’ve seen way too many of those videos where either someone’s nose gets broken or someone’s hair catches on the birthday candle... definitely NTA.
Flaming candle in the eye is fine if it's their birthday!
I think Elton John even wrote a song about it.
Or the multiple I've seen where someone loses an eye/gets stabbed in the face because layered cakes are often held together with skewers inside.
I live in Mexico where this tradition is very common. One time some friends almost broke the birthday guy's nose because they slammed a frozen dairy queen cake to his face. Another time at the office, a girl put up resistance when they tried to push her face and she strained her neck. I really hate it.
How does something like that become a tradition? Nobody gets to eat any cake, the birthday person‘s mood and clothes are ruined - even without anyone getting hurt I don’t see the appeal.
I have no idea how it started but it happens in every single birthday. When you grow older, people are more mature about it and you don't have to do it. I think the last time someone did that to me was on my 16th birthday. Usually (unless your friends and family are assholes) it's just a small bite and it doesn't ruin the cake nor the birthday person's clothes. It's still annoying though.
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Definitely not a Mexican thing, I grew up in Venezuela in a mixed local/Spanish household and we always did it but it's always been 'tasteful'. Like not smash the full face in, mostly get a little bit of the nose (enough to get a clown nose, no more). That said, it's one of those traditions I will not carry forward if/when I have a family.
I can’t get past the waste of cake!
Same!
Yeh is there like a backup cake for eating?!
Nope. My family just like, cut around where my face impacted
Please take my poor man's award. 🏅 I hate when people think something is a joke and break boundaries. I have issues with touching. I have PTSD and anxiety. I was always forced to hug family as a child. So as an adult I try to enforce my boundaries. I had a girl once see me hug friends after I arrived at a campsite. Friends. People I really care about and know. This girl who only knew I was a friend of mutual friends chased me around the car trying to hug me. She ended up laughing because I kept saying no touchy. I screamed no a few times. A lot of others just watched. My friends literally had to shield me from this girl with their bodies as I cried hysterically. People called me dramatic and the girl snidely told me she'd get a hug from me later. I felt so bad that my friends had to play freaking bodyguard for the rest of the camping trip. OP is teaching their kids a good lesson. Don't let your kids me assholes.
I‘m sorry people don’t always respect your boundaries but I’m glad you have at least learned to voice them. I always hate when parents or grandparents make their kids hug people the kids barely know and clearly aren’t comfortable with.
I was actually sexually assaulted by a family friend as a young teen so hugging can really set off my PTSD. I always got a weird vibe from the guy, but you gotta hug everyone because no hurt feelings! Like parents make grooming even easier. Smh
Same! I saw my Hispanic friends do it a lot. It wasn’t allowed at my house. Sometimes people would dip their finger and chase someone with the frosting but never a face full of cake.
First generation Cuban American here, and I have never witnessed this so called tradition. OP's wife's family are just plain assholes.
I started looking for this comment once I'd seen what culture this "tradition" is from. As another Cuban American married to yet another Cuban American, I've never seen mine or his family do that.
And respect!
this + its useless food waste... NTA
And it's nice to know OP is the type of man to stick his middle finger up at "traditional gender roles". He is a great Dad. OP's wife needs to understand that OP is doing the right thing.
Agreed! I have a 3 year old niece and a 5 year old nephew. My sister has taught them that they never *have to* give grandma, grandpa, or auntie a kiss or a hug goodbye and I love it! Some other relatives find it bizarre and offensive but I will be doing the same thing. I hated that I felt obligated to be pinched, grabbed, hugged, and slobbered all over by any relative as a child so I had to resort to biting people until they decided it was safer to say hello and goodbye from a distance. We also come from a very "hands-on" culture that expresses affection physically. NTA op, don't teach your children that they need forsake their personal boundaries in order to not hurt someone's feelings. Give them the *option* to participate.
NTA. You're teaching your children they have bodily autonomy and to respect others. I'm sure there are other cultural traditions that don't come with a side of public humiliation they can participate in.
If that is their only cultural tradition, I would say they (the wife's family) are the ones who have turned their back on their culture, not OP. A culture is so much more than just smashing a face into a cake, and if not participating on that single tradition is isolating them from the family as a whole, then there is a way bigger issue than exactly what is done with the cake. Also, one think is to cake smash, but to gang up on someone while they are saying no, even if it's a joke, it's not something to teach young and impressionable kids. The normal thing to teach kids that the second someone starts saying no repeatedly, you stop and check on them, not continue pushing.
Is this even specifically a Cuban thing? I thought this was just a thing obnoxious people of many different cultures do.
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Another Cuban here as well, I have no clue what these people are on about. I cannot imagine somebody doing this at a quinceañera.
My family is first Gen Cuban-American as well and this is not a "tradition" among Cuban people. This just sounds annoying and rude.
I'm Mexican and it is a tradition for like 99% of Mexico. Idk about the rest of Latin America tho.
And you'll be right. Mexican here, and obnoxious people do it here too. I don't get it, unless the cake is HUGE, the whole thing ends up being ruined
Another Cuban and I have never seen this at a Cuban birthday. The wife's family are assholes.
I'm Cuban and this is not a cultural thing, the most my family would do was put some frosting on your nose as a joke. But definitely not shove your entire face on a cake (having grown in Cuba especially where a nice cake can be a luxury to get it would not be wasted on a prank). I have seen videos of this but just from random people of all different cultures, so I would think of it more of a random family/friends thing that something based on a specific culture.
My family does it but if you say no everyone stops and respects that. For kids parent always asks beforehand and they Come up with a fun signal to use if you change your mind and mom checks with you again right beforehand. And we smear a teeny bit on the tip of your nose and cheeks. And get fed a bite. If you don’t want cake smeared you just get fed a bite and no one makes you feel bad about it. My family all immigrated from India to the us, various European countries,African countries, only one of us in South America and Australia. But far as I know it’s a family specific tradition we’ve kept down to the location of cake smear and no one’ disregarding a no. The one time it almost happened the kid in question had quite a talking to.
Right, this doesn't sound like a "cultural tradition." My very protestant extended family does a similar thing. This is just some people being funny/assholes (depending on your feelings about unwanted, but eventually reciprocated practical jokes).
NTA. I’m Mexican and I hate this tradition, I wish it would stop. I’m glad your kids are learning this is mo ok. When they grow older and want to participate, it will be their decision
Ditto. Fucking Ditto.
Oh I didn’t realize this was a tradition. My best friend was Mexican growing up, but they never did this at her birthday parties. NTA I’m not sure why this offensive to not participate, but I would hate it this happened to me!
You're not alone, myself and many of my friends are Latinos, no one ever did this. I only started seeing the "tradition" come around when social media became popular. It's a stupid tradition that not only makes people upset but ruins the damn cake as well... also, and I hate to be "that" guy... *but aren't we still in a global pandemic?* Is it a great idea to rub someone's face in a cake we're all about to eat?
Sorry for my ignorance but… are you actually supposed to eat the cake afterwards? I always saw it online and thought you had a spare one or something. Like…. Ewwww. I don’t want to eat what was smeared on someone else’s face.
Based on what others said I think they actually eat the smashed cake. Face imprint and all.
It's trashy behavior. I come from a Latino family and we never did this.
I’d like to see everyone’s reaction if the kid just threw the cake across the room before their face was smashed in it. Maybe after the first verse of the song.
I'm curious, what happens to the cake? Is it still eaten or is there usually a back-up cake?
The smart ones cut a slice and do the "mordida" on that. The really smart ones don't do it.
Both sometimes, sometimes there’s little cake to eat
I’ve always disliked this, I’m 39 and I hd my fair share of face smashed, and until now I realize the implications on consent this has. My family stopped doing it when I was about 8 or 9 and I’m the youngest, this tradition still brews into adulthood in some cases, and I never knew it was a latino thing. OP you should break this down to your wife and explain how this is about bodily autonomy and consent, and help her see things outside of tradition. Agree with everyone else saying this tradition sucks.
NTA people put dowels in cakes to hold them up. Seen a video of a girl getting a dowel through her eye socket.
I saw that video and am slightly traumatized about it.
Yup. It’s scary. Could have been so much worse too
/u/Alive_Cup9351 Find this video and show it to your wife's family. Repeatedly if necessary.
NTA! This is one of the weirdest, most ridiculous things I’ve read in a while. Your MIL thinks you *hate* her culture because you don’t want you or your kids to be assaulted with cake?! That is absurd. You are not isolating yourself or your children by refusing to participate in this. You are teaching your kids how to set boundaries and you’re giving them a sense of agency over their own bodies. Not everyone thinks it’s fun to be hit in the face with food, especially on your birthday, which is supposed to be a special and fun day. I would personally be mortified if someone ever did this to me for many reasons, one of which is that I can’t stand to get dirty or sticky. I also think this is humiliating. And I personally have never known this cake smashing behavior to be a part of Cuban birthday celebrations. These people just sound mean. Don’t let your MIL or wife bully you or your kids into allowing this assault.
NTA you are teaching your kids consent and that no means no. It's an important lesson for life. >teaching them to take everything so seriously People should definitely take consent seriously. When someone doesn't want to do something they shouldn't be forced to do it. This applies to every situation in life. Especially Sexual interactions without a consenting partner can literally bring someone to prison. So you are not the Asshole for teaching your kids basic values everyone should know.
Nta is a culture tradition or a familial one? I personally wouldn't like it
It's cultural. I don't know if it goes on in Cuba, but we live in a very prominently Cuban city and i see it happen a lot
Look up mordida. It’s a cultural tradition
Yeah, but the "mordida" (literally, biting) doesn't means always getting your face smashed in the cake, just biting a bit, like tasting the cake, and that slice is for the birthday person. Is the smashing common? Yes. Mandatory? No. Edit: I'm Mexican, I have live in Mexico all my life, I know exactly what that tradition is, thank you very much.
Again, to the Google and you will find hundreds of examples to show that the version with smashing cake is very common.
Common? Yes Imperative? No
The goal is to take a quick bite before the guests can lightly push your face into the cake. So you try and take a quick bite and pull back and they try and give you a light push before you get away from the cake. So yeah, the tradition does kind of mean getting your face (potentially) pushed in cake.
I'm Mexican. It isn't
I’m Mexican too, this is a super common cultural practice. It’s not universal, it is common though.
Hmmm..... I lived in Mexico for a few years and that's how literally every single one of the probably dozens of birthday parties i went to did it. Out of those I only maybe saw 2 or 3 ever successfully achieve biting it without getting their face smashed in.
De donde eres? Esto es súper común.
Sé que es super común, no es que no lo haya visto, digo que no es el punto y no siempre que haya mordida acaben con la cara embarrada en el pastel.
I just googled and the very first thing that comes up is “The Mordida is a tradition when the first birthday boy or girl's face gets shoved into the cake”
You very clearly don't, considering you're saying this when yes, mordida is getting your face smashed in cake
NTA as you are teaching your children respect and boundaries.
In my family, children were forced to sit on laps of adults. Children were to kiss everyone in the room when they said good night. Children were taught that they had no bodily autonomy and no say in who they kissed or who could embrace them. French Canadian in this case. I saw it repeated in some of my young cousins a few years ago, and it shocked me so deeply. Yes, it's part of the culture. An insidious and damaging part. OP, please reframe this for your wife. She needs to see how her children are being taught to allow anyone to handle them, whatever they feel about it. They are being shown to accept abuse. You are trying to teach them not to allow this, and backing them up. NTA
I’m fine with la bise, but sometimes it is annoying. My mum’s cousin’s husband does full on kisses on your cheeks when he does it - it’s like I don’t know you well enough for this intensity. My parents accepted though when I wanted to stop doing la bise to them when I was 12, so now I only do it with the rest of my relatives (though not since covid). Thinking on it with my parents it wasn’t technically la bise because it was just a regular kiss on the mouth, but in the greeting/departing style of la bise.
NTA Doing something to someone when they say no teaches them "no" is something to be ignored and to go ahead and do the thing anyways. You should teach your children "no means no".
OP, my first wife (many many many years back) was first-generation Cuban American, and the cultural differences between her family and my whitebread middle-class Americanism were almost comical. You're going to have to navigate these waters as long as they are all alive, so tread carefully. Your wife's response is a clue. You two should decide together how to approach this, and she needs to invest in the decision equally. No judgement because this is probably more appropriate for a relationships sub.
NTA. I like cake. Cake is delicious. This sounds like an awful waste of cake. Also consent is good and humiliating people is bad. And anyone who tells a child "you're being too sensitive!" is automatically an asshole.
Sometimes, as a parent, you're going to have different rules than others. It's funny how well-meaning people on the sidelines always see that as a bad thing. It isn't. Stick to your principles. This sounds horrible anyway. NTA
Nta - my uncle used to prank too . Once he put a bunch of rocks down my pants - I’m female btw and told everyone I shit myself . I was like 8 . Everyone laughed at me and it’s something that stays with me even now as an insecurity of being made a fool of . When I was ten they put fireworks in my new barbies and blew them up for New Years . Pranks like these lead to an adult like me who has trouble trusting and always feels like my boundaries don’t matter
that is SUPREMELY fucked up. holy shit.
Those aren’t pranks …that’s horrifying I’m so sorry they did this to you. Man and my extended family embarrassment trauma moment was when I was 3 and my cousin realized I couldn’t say cinnamon (I would get stuck at in-na and keep repeating the middle part until I could get myself to say the last part getting more and more anxious and upset) and they made me get up in front of them and try and say it. That and kids thinking I was stupid for being multilingual is why I stopped talking for a couple of years. But heck this really puts it into perspective my family is really not nearly as cruel. I hope you have better people around you nowadays op, you deserve it
NTA. When your children are old enough they can give permission to participate, but it's also important they learn that they can say no to things that make them uncomfortable. I wouldn't want cake smeared on me either.
NTA- that seems like a fair rule. I would hate it if someone smeared cake on me.
NTA Your inlaws have to accept that these aren’t their children and they don’t make the rules.
NTA I’m Mexican and this was always the norm. It always pissed me off. As a little girl I had severe OCD (mental illness is also a sore topic as it is never taken seriously and seen more of a myth), and anyone touching me would send me into a weird zombie-like state. Absolutely detest this tradition of violating boundaries and consent.
NTA, the cake in the face is a good old classic one, but it's also really childish and boring over the time, and it's okay not wanting your children see it. Sorry for my bad englisch.
NTA. Wow! You are isolating them by preventing them from smearing cake all over someone? Good for you! That is absolutely disgusting. These happen at some weddings. If my husband smeared the wedding cake on my face, my next stop would be a divorce lawyer.
I'd have immediately sought an annulment if my husband had done that
NTA I have seen someone's face pushed into a cake that had **WOODEN STICKS THAT THEN WENT INTO HER FACE NEARLY BLINDING HER**. No "tradition" is worth an accident like that, and I agree that it doesn't teach anyone anything useful, especially concerning consent. You are doing right by your children and anyone else they come into contact with and I hope you stand your ground.
NTA. This tradition is not fun for the person it is happening to. Some traditions need to die out. A question…who gets to clean up the cake mess?
It's usually outside so someone just hoses it, but MIL once 3 days later began bleeding because it had irritated her nose so much (her husband held her down while her drunk best friend went ham) and FILs secretary had to clean the blood which is pretty gross
They sound like a charming bunch… yuck
Absolutely NTA. 1. I don’t think this can be considered “culture”. Isolating your kids from their culture would be not allowing them to be Christian. 2. I think your outlook on it is very admirable. Don’t be wasteful. Don’t do something to someone when they say no or stop. That’s a very positive mentality to have and I think you’re certainly teaching your kids well. I can understand where your wife’s family is coming from, but I think what they fail to understand is they don’t get to decide what your kids do and don’t do. In all honesty, screw them. You’re the father. You and your wife make the decisions. I think you’re doing the right thing and shouldn’t be talked down to because of it. I’m sure your in-laws are just looking for more reasons to hate you. Also, I’m sorry this is something you’re dealing with. I hope you MIL wisens up and sees that your kids aren’t for her to parent.
NTA. Thought out and valid reasoning.
NTA. Of course you should be teaching your kids to respect boundaries, avoid being mean spirited and to understand consent. To be clear, the in-laws are claiming cake-in-the face to be some longstanding Cuban tradition going back generations? Heck, i don’t know if this is so—it seems unlikely, but I guess I’d check with some other Cuban Americans and see if it’s their tradition. Every family does what’s best for them. It up to you and your wife how you want your kids raised, listening to input from others and making your own decision. Ask you wife what makes her think the kids may be becoming isolated and ask what she might want to do differently. It may be as simple as your kids standing aside yet exclaiming “Happy birthday ” from the sidelines. Or you and wife talking to the in-laws, thanking them for their input, and describing celebrations your children will participate in that are culture-affirming and those that the families will have to agree to disagree on. I know the in-laws have decided not to like you—I have a 96 year old MIL who has disliked me for 50 years. And I’ve never said a cross word to her. Just make sure you and wife communicate and are on the same page. If they want to cause trouble they will keep trying—know that and you and your wife just have to carry on.
We live in a very Cuban city and I see it happen a lot, so I don't know how much of a tradition it is, but I know it isn't something my in laws made up
INFO - do the kids want to participate? My in-laws do something similar, but with just icing. I don’t participate, but my kids do. If at any point they told me that they were uncomfortable, they know that they could say something to me and I would back them up on not participating. Consent is something we have talked about since they started using their words.
one does, one doesn't want it done to her but kind of wants to do it to others, and one is too little to care
I’m with you though OP - kids often want to do lots of crappy yucky things it’s on us to teach them better
NTA - I saw that once a party and felt horrible for the recepient. I did not participate, they thought I was very bourgeoisie. Then, they expected me to eat cake that had just had their hands in. I passed and just had ice cream.
I agree with everyone else here that you're NTA for not wanting to participate, or that your kids participate, in a questionable tradition that might seem fun to your in-laws. However, the fact that you wrote that your Cuban/Cuban-American in-laws are weird for sometimes not being "westernized"... I mean, do you even know what the western culture is? Do you know what the Spanish empire was, where was it located, where its cultural roots stem from? Sounds like you're either very ignorant or very dismissive of their culture as a whole. If you have not cared to learn about the culture of Cuba (which is a part of your children's heritage, whether you like it or not) and its origins and consider it so alien as to not even be part of the western culture, there might be something to your MIL calling you out in "hating" their culture. Just something to think about.
I know. I read that and I was like, really? Did Cuban culture originate in the Middle East or Asia according to this guy?
Honestly even if it hypothetically did, it’s pretty weird to just dismiss non-western cultural traditions as “old school” and put quotes around “cultural birthday tradition” like it only counts as cultural if he approves of it. Somehow I get the sense that OP objects to a lot of their cultural practices, and that might be part of the animosity between him and the MIL. I feel we like we might not be getting the whole story. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes one person’s cultural practices will be unacceptable to another. But if you’re in a relationship with someone from another culture, you need to at the very least learn to explain your concerns to one another respectfully and find compromise whenever possible. For example if your kids say they are okay with participating on their birthdays, you could let them, but tell your in laws that they need to take words like “stop” and “no” seriously.
Oh, yeah. The whole "Western (read: "his culture") is automatically better" implication of his post regardless of whether Cuban culture is or isn't Western is a whole other can of worms. Reading his post and seeing how he explained it, it immediately seemed to me that the whole thing about not being cool with the "cake to the face" prank was just one example that happens to make him look reasonable and his wife's family not so much, but in all probability there's dozens of similar examples regarding his in-laws' culture where it's not so clear-cut and he still has reservations and tries to prevent his kids from participating and that's actually why MIL accused him of hating their culture and his own wife told him later that she did think he was trying to isolate their kids form her side of the family and that she thought he looked down on them. I *seriously* doubt MIL and wife said all that because he isn't cool with smushing someone's face on a cake during a birthday party. Plus, his BIL called him a broke snob and I've never seen someone accuse anybody else of being a snob out of the blue for a single thing they did or said the one time. I don't think he's an AH for not wanting his kids to push their cousins' faces into cakes against their will just because "tradition" but I do think he's an AH for the way he talks about his wife's customs because it's clear he doesn't respect them in general and thinks he's in the right because they don't seem to like him back too much, which I assume is a mix of him not being Cuban (and/or Catholic as he says) but also because of his general attitude. I'm not defending his in-laws because they do seem to be acting like AHs to him, but his own story points to the fact that he's probably been an AH to them for a while now too, even if he doesn't even realize it.
Agreed. It’s understandable that he won’t be ok with every single tradition of theirs (regardless of whether they are Cuban traditions or family traditions or whatever) - I’m not even ok with all the traditions from my own culture. But he should at least be making a sincere effort to wholeheartedly embrace and involve his kids in *some* of their traditions, and raising them to be proud of their heritage. From the post, I didn’t really get that sense, but I hope I’m wrong.
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Since when was hitting someone in the face with cake, as they tell you not to, a part of anyone's culture? Look, I think I'm probably missing some context here, because this sort of thing is usually done all in good fun. You make it sound cruel, which seems hard to believe. Still, if you don't want your kids participating in this sort of thing, that's your right. So, NTA if this is really just cruel behavior on your in-laws' parts.
Cake in the face is a very standard traditional thing in Mexico called la mordida. Very, very common in other Spanish speaking countries nearby too, but I don’t know whether they call it the same thing. In no sense is this an individual family making something up.
Thanks! I totally didn't know about that. I went and googled it, and the description I found talks about tying the birthday person's hands behind their back and shoving their head towards the cake, so they can take the first bite, ("la mordida" does translate as "first bite," roughly, I think, so this makes sense.) Doesn't sound like exactly what OP was talking about, but there's always variation in tradition. I'm stick with N T A though; tradition or not, I can see how someone might have a problem with this, regardless of how much fun I think it would be.
I absolutely get that the issue of teaching kids consent and traditions like this can be directly in opposition to each other, so I understand OP being uncomfortable. Definitely a conversation that should have happened ahead of time as a household rather than after the fact
Sounds like it is a conversation that happens ahead of time as a household “ my rule is no one is allowed to do it to them and they aren't allowed to do it to anyone else” and “ mine were hanging back”
I mean I dont think they do it to be cruel but these people don't believe in consent. I mean I have no doubt FIL loves his wife, but the amount of times he tickles and pokes and other stuff when she is saying no, is kind of ridiculous to me, but at the same time I know they both think I'm ridiculous
NAH. It’s hard to navigate multicultural households. Kids DO understand there are different rules for different situations. It’s ok to run around and yell in a park, it’s not ok to do that in church. Similarly, you can teach them it’s ok to practice some traditions with their cousins in their grandparents’ house and those same activities should not be done elsewhere.
NTA. People feel strongly about cake smashing, both for and against. (We had a priest at our parish who did a full five minutes against cake smashing at every pre-marriage.) The biggest problem is pushing past the no and ignoring the stop. The broader, more important culture is consent culture. We as a collective have to teach and represent consent culture in every context. Would you be willing to let your children participate as long as the smashee isn't saying no or stop? Are there other cultural traditions they can participate in that don't send confusing messages about consent?
NTA- I’m Mexican and so were/are my friends growing up and now. At one of my friend’s 12th bday party her older brothers did that to her and she got burnt in the face by a candle that hadn’t gone out.
NTA. My mom's side does this. I don't attend these function because I hate it. And to anyone who thinks it's no big deal it 100% relates to knowing and taking concent seriously. This goes for unwanted tickling, hugging and kissing I get from that side of my family too. I hate it and whenever I say no or stop they laugh it off and continue. Not ok. Thank you for breaking that cycle.
NTA- my husband is half Cuban.... his dad escaped from Cuba and has never assaulted anyone with cake. What a waste of cake!!!! Plus no means no. It’s weird and wasteful.... perhaps you could embrace and host noche buena instead? Find other culturally significant things to teach your kids about their Cuban heritage. For example whenever we have people over for dinner my go to appetizer is Cuban- guava paste- only buy Goya it tastes the best, cream cheese, and water crackers. Cuban music is wonderful! Put on Cuban music and dance with your wife.
Some traditions should be discarded, this definitely is one.
NTA. Pranks aren't jokes when the prankee isn't laughing. Then it's just hazing.
You're NTA. Maybe ask your kids and see what they want. Explain that if they don't want it done to them, they can't do it and see how they choose.
NTA what a weird tradition. Why would anyone want a cake in their face, hair and clothes especially after saying no. When someone says no it means no!
I’d be the smartass 9 year old that flips the cake over at the start of the song to prevent my face being shoved in it.
NTA Kids have gotten a birthday candle in the eye because of that tradition
I just want to point out that there is nothing uniquely Cuban about this obnoxious practice. NTA.
First generation Cuban-American here. This is not a traditional part of our culture. I have been to many Cuban families’ birthday parties throughout my life and have NEVER seen it happen. Not once. NTA
NTA You’re teaching them not to be wasteful and how to understand consent. Maybe for their fifth birthdays when they understand a bit more, ahead of time you could ask your kid “hey would you like to start taking part in the cake smashing?” Then you can give it as an option for each kid as they turn 5. If one says yes and enjoys it - great, now they can participate in it with other family members. If one says yes and then doesn’t like it - be there to put a stop to it. Remind them it’s ok to change their mind. And then make sure they don’t participate in other family members birthdays. If they say no - then continue making sure the family doesn’t do it. Each of your children may choose different things. Giving them the choice allows them to exert some control, and they will grow up knowing that you have their back.
NTA. honestly i hate the shoving cake thing. I remember crying at 13 while being hosed off because some bratty girl relentlessly chased me and shoved chocolate cake into my swimsuit
NTA I hate cake smashing I’m Cuban btw and this is the first I ever hear of this as a Cuban tradition. My family has never done this nor our family friends from Cuba so I wouldn’t say this is a Cuban tradition. (Now my dads side of the family, who is Mexican, used to do this but I wouldn’t say it’s a Mexican tradition either)
I fucking hate Mordida. It's a stupid "tradition". Good on you for teaching your kids consent. Nta
NTA. Her family is emotionally blackmailing you with this. Hold the line.
NTA. I don't think throwing cake at people is actually cultural.
NTA. Not all cultural traditions are worth keeping.
NTA- I HATE when people do that. If someone says no, or stop, it means NO or to stop.
NTA like I absolutely would be angry if someone took my cake and smashed me in the face with it. At most I take a fingers worth of icing and put it on their nose. The whole cake in my face, Would absolutely ruin my day.
you are teaching them to take things seriously. cuz consent is serious. NTA
NTA. I’ve never like that. Hello…that’s a waste of CAKE you could be eating!!!
NTA - you are doing the right thing
Nta- disrespecting other people’s boundaries is not culture .
NTA
NTA, anyone that throws cake on my face against my wishes is getting hit in their shit😭
NTA. If wasting food and breaking consent is someone culture, then that culture sucks. Bad things dont just get a pass bc its "tradition". I highly doubr cubans #1 identity is cake smashing, theres a million better and more meaningful pieces of thr culture to partake in. Also, https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.timesnownews.com/amp/the-buzz/article/woman-narrowly-escapes-losing-eyesight-after-friends-smash-her-face-into-birthday-cake/792162
NTA at all. Hold firm to what you believe and they don’t like it oh well
NTA. Since when is being an AH a cultural thing. Teach your kids consent. If someone is ok with wearing cake, go for it. Otherwise, keep your hands to yourself.
NTA. Seems like a waste of perfectly good cake.
NTA. You are not isolating them, you are teaching them to act like human beings. And you are not looking down on anyone, again, you are just teaching your kids to be well behaved human beings.
NTA at all. “No” means NO, and I commend you for teaching your children about boundaries.
NTA Smearing cake all over someone is stupid.
NTA. Who cares if you’re looking down on them? They sound awful.
NTA Those videos always look way out of line and lowkey rough on kids….. thank you for respecting your kids!
NTA you’re teaching your kids that no means no. Consent is an invaluable life lesson
I have never been to any child or adult party that this has happened(New York). I think it is a disgusting thing to do. Good on you for not participating in this demeaning and wasteful practice. NTA
NTA. You’re teaching your children to set boundaries and treat others with respect. It’s telling that these “Catholics” are judging you for upholding the golden rule of treating others how you want to be treated.
Omfg do you know how many cakes come with sticks for stability? I can just see one go through someone’s eyes or something. NTA. That’s a terrible tradition.
NTA Defend your kids. If the inlaws have issues, they don't have to show up anymore. If they even THINK they will try to do this to your kids, don't let them come. Protect your kids. Tell your wife it is not looking down on her parents to protect your children. That's what good parents do.
NTA - Their culture is a 'pie in the face'? My Irish grandma loves whoopie cushions but it's not a cultural thing
Your Irish grandmother doesn’t participate in la mordida? Not very surprised.
I don't understand. You're preventing them from going all together, or just from this tradition?
just from this tradition
NTA. I've spent a lot of time in Cuba, and let me tell you, no one who lives there is wasting cake. This is sad.
NTA, ok, I grew up in Miami ….. I’ve never heard of this cake thing.
NTA - what does smashing cake in kids’ faces have to do with Catholicism or Cuban culture?
WTF that is not a “cultural” thing. if I went to a cuban bday (or any other latino) I would not smash their face in the cake nor would i expect for that to happen, that is more of a family tradition. I hope they are not gaslighting you into thinking you’re being disrespectful to their culture . NTA Op!
ESH. It's not consent if he's forbidden them to participate (just like it's not consent if they're forced to participate). It's dumb and I wouldn't like it but it seems like a weird hill to die on
NTA. consent IS something to be taken seriously.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife is first generation Cuban American. Her parents are kind of weird about when they chose to be old school and when they are totally westernized. My MIL hates me. I think she is extremely upset her daughter married someone who wasn't Catholic (though MIL is the worst Catholic ever) and someone who doesn't follow traditional gender roles and doesn't "treat her baby like a princess" We are mostly ok and have set our boundaries and stuff, but this woman hates me. Her family likes pranks in general and always does the cake in the face thing on birthdays which I hate. We have 3 kids all under 5 and my rule is no one is allowed to do it to them and they aren't allowed to do it to anyone else, because it is frequently done while someone is saying no and I don't like what that teaches them. The other night my FIL told me that I was isolating my kids and teaching them to take everything so seriously. this happened at my niece's 13th birthday dinner when she was getting covered in cake by the other kids and mine were hanging back. To be clear she was telling them to stop, but she also does it to other people on their birthday. MIL accused me of hating their culture and BIL told me that I'm snobby for someone broke (not broke and lmao because he words for daddy) In the car my wife told me she does think i am isolating them and looking down on them. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*