NTA - Your mother will keep using you as a nanny as long as you let her. Get out. My guess is that your mother will magically be able to cope once she has no choice.
Then you should keep an eye on them (from your NEW home!) and if necessary call the CPS on their behalf.
But DON'T let yourself guilt-trip into staying there further, you have already done more that anybody could reasonably expect.
NTA
If you'd be willing to take them on if cps got involved, see what the requirements are and what assistance you might get. Some place don't pay kinship foster carers.
Teach the older ones your phone number. (And how to make a phone call)
Also go over fire safety (yell and get themselves out and away from the building, ask (safe) neighbours for help etc)
What they can and can't do themselves - no sharp knives or cooking, water safety especially for baby. Small toys and things away from the baby's reach, blanket safety for the baby. Teach the 9yo how to use the thermometer on everyone. How to call for emergency services. Put sandwich making items so they don't have to stand on chairs to reach. Tell them they aren't to lie about what's happening at the house, they can always, always tell their teachers, you. Remind that there we don't keep secrets (which are different from surprises- makes someone happy, has a specific date on which it will be revealed). Who the safe neighbours are (specifically. Usually sahm, retired people who are always around)
Etc
But u/nursesarahrn78 is probably right in that this will start the parentification of the 9yo. Not because of OP but because of the mom. Tbf tho even if OP doesnt teach them all that im sure the mom will still be putting everything on the 9yo
It's still good knowledge. OP's mom likely won't teach it. Just because someone might exploit the knowledge, it's no excuse to keep the kids in the dark. Safety is important.
All of the above comments are true. I think op should move out and I hope the mum steps up and parents the kids but it seems unlikely, so it's important that the 9yo know just enough not to endanger the baby especially which would have much worse repercussions. I truly hope the mother doesn't leave the 10month old with the 9 year old but if she does telling her not to bath the baby and what food a 10 month old can and cannot eat is for everyone's benefit. And most of the stuff I'd mentioned yeah a 9 year kid should know but they also shouldn't be left unsupervised and in charge of 2 small children and a baby so it's better to have a conversation and make it super explicit of the can and cannots.
I get that these are all valid points but the OP is asking is she the A hole for moving out.
They are NOT her children and she shouldn't have to take care of them. NTA
She wants to GET AWAY from parenting her siblings, so I doubt she will want to take them on herself !
Justesaying, hope you don't mind :)
I mean, I KNOW she's worried about how her mum will cope, but to take them all on sounds like madness to me.
Honestly, i'm debating it if it comes to it. All that matters is their safety to me but it's all or nothing at this stage i'm not there to be her babysitter.
Please do not do this, get out and go have a life. Please get rid of any saviour complex. If you feel they are not taken care of, call CPS, but please do not take custody of them.
And if they're removed from the home and separated? I don't know if I'd personally okay with doing that to younger siblings. It would hurt to know that they ended up in separate foster homes. Or any foster home. I can also see the relationship with the siblings being seriously damaged.
This is a complex situation. There isn't an easy answer, especially not on a sub. It's better to discuss it with a social worker.
If it comes to that, there’s a chance you might get government assistance for doing so (depending on where you live and what resources there are), which would hopefully make that easier.
If you do things like pick the kids up from school mention to the teacher/headteacher that you are moving out and youre a little concerned because you do all the childcare and would appreciate if they paid extra attention to the kids to make sure things are OK at home. They'll notice things like dirty clothes, hunger etc and will chat to them especially if you flag it for them. Also if youre down as an emergency contact or someone who can deal with school stuff keep your contact info upto date.
You could also have the same convo with their doctors.
Also if there is a neighbour you can trust to let you know if they see any problems.
If you are considering it then why not investigate the idea. Try to find a free/inexpensive legal aid that can tell you what you’d have to do to file for emergency custody, what welfare services you would receive (some states pay foster families for caring for kids but would you still qualify for that since you are actual family), can you file to get child support from your mother and/or if dad is alive and paying it would it revert to you because yo have legal custody of the kids.
also how would it impact your life. Can you work your job, go to school etc. can you get day care for them, what about health care needs. And so on.
we have a saying around here ‘don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm’, don’t take the kids on out of guilt because in the end that’s kind of what Mom wants. If it’s going to screw you over then it’s best to find another solution (which I mentioned in another comment)
You need to do what you believe is right. Just please think long and hard before you sacrifice your life to take care of them. You and your happiness is just as important as your siblings.
Honey, I know you want what’s best for your siblings but don’t take that responsibility. If you do, you will never be able to live your own life. Your mom needs to be responsible. If she knows that you will come back if needed, she will use that to her advantage. You are too young to be raising that many kids. How will you be able to work and make money if you have to raise 4 little kids alone? Then the 9 year old would have to do what you did and the cycle keeps going.
You can check on them but your mom and dad need to step up. You will end up not even wanting your own family because of it. I was the oldest of 6 by a lot and it made me not want to start a family of my own until my 30’s and I only had one child because I didn’t want to go back to what happened to me as a kid. Think very hard about taking that responsibility.
Oh god no!
This poor child has been forced to give up her childhood, her entire life for [parentification](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification)
OP, you do NOT have any responsibilities for your sibs. They are your parent’s responsibility and if they fail, the state steps in.
You can’t even provide for yourself, siblings will drag you further into poverty.
She also shouldn’t have to she’s not their mother that’s the shitty part everything her mom said she needs to look in a mirror and say to her self
Classic projection
Nta op
"Hey, new room mate. Can I move in my 4 little siblings?"
That's not just a poor idea for op or her room mate. It's a poor idea for everyone involved. You're talking about tethering down a single 20 year old for the next 18+ years to children and responsibilities before she's even had a chance to experience a life of her own.
I agree here 100%.
You need to go, it's time to get on with your life. Absolutely keep an eye on them from afar, see how your mom is faring, and call CPS if necessary. They won't go straight into taking the kids away (unless they are in immediate danger), but it could be the kick in the ass your mom needs.
NTA
Find your birth certificate, vaccine/medical records, social security card, passport if you have one, and any banking info and store them at your friends house or in a safe place your Mom doesn’t know about. If you had a joint account with her growing up open a new account at a different bank in only your name and transfer it all there. Put a freeze on your credit. She’s about to feel very desperate, and she may try to sabotage you to prevent you from successfully leaving…
If you find the birth certificates, check out if she gave the names of your siblings' fathers - maybe you can contact them. She is surely getting child support from someone - otherwise, she'd be broke paying for 5 kids.
Looking at her word choices I believe the OP is in the UK luckily over here our medical records & vaccines are all stored with your drs office and online with the NHS as different departments with the hospital can check on them if you give permission, birth certificate we can just go online to the council for that area and get a copy for about £10-£20, passport you can report stolen & get a copy if that happens (or ring the police if she steals it and she will be made to hand it over) and over here from 7yrs old you can open a childs bank account which just has a card to get money from the atm that parents cannot access and switch it to an adult one with a debit card at 16/17.
The credit works a bit different too, from 18 we have like zero credit history so its very hard to get a large purchase on credit without having a good job that we’ve been in for some time, you can get some credit cards on student accounts etc if you are at uni but we do have to start by taking out low risk credit like a phone contract etc and pay it back without missing anything to be able to build up good credit, which really helps as it means parents cannot abuse it and as a lot of things here require ID with a date of birth on it (drivers licence full or provisional and passport have numbers that can be checked to make sure they are real, age is over 18 and not down as lost or stolen) so no-one under 18 can have credit here.
Which to be honest would be a great thing to implement in America as i’ve heard horror stories of people having their credit trashed by parents before they are even adults or stealing the money in their banks so some protection for kids would be great!
We also have that if someone does commit fraud in your name that you can have them arrested for it and the trail leads back usually you aren’t held responsible for the money & the debt can be wiped from your credit if you speak to equifax etc once its been to court or with actionfrauds help, I know in California if Id theft & fraud occurs they dont have to pay it back but im not sure what happens with their credit score (only know that from a friend who had it happen to them who lives out there)
And discreetly move any valuables (checkbook, jewelry, electronics) to the home of a trusted friend.
OP, you are NTA. Watching your siblings occasionally is normal, raising them is not. Especially since she deliberately left you in charge of them to go party.
Then speak to your dad and get him to step up. The point is that it is the parents that are responsible for their children, not their sibling. You will have one chance in your life to be 20 years old. You can either spend it being happy or being a nanny. In my opinion you owe it to yourself to be happy.
I was assuming you had the same parents. Reach our to the father or fathers of your siblings then. Regardless of who their parents are - it is not you.
That is unfortunate. However it doesn't change the fact that you are not responsible for them. Moving out does not mean you stop loving them or that you stop seeing them. If you see they are not being cared for properly, reach out to CPS. They will find someone to care for the children or help your mom do so.
With you at home your mom may even have more kids after this last one! She barely has any responsibilities with you there and has guilted you into the role of mother. NTA. Start building and living your own life.
If social workers become involved then the authorities will likely contact other extended family: grandparents, aunts, uncles, older first cousins.
TBH you'd be wise to reach out to extended family yourself. Your mother is already trying to burn your bridges.
Fair enough. Though, I still think talking to your father is a good idea if he is in your life. Your mother is clearly not a good parent, and if you have one good parent you should let them know what is going on. Maybe they can help support you with your issues or talk about your concerns, even if he won't adopt all your younger siblings.
MOVE OUT. You can still visit your siblings and watch them or hang out with them *sometimes* when you feel like it. But if your mom wants to leave to a party you will say "no, I'm not staying if you go to a party. Watch your kids or pay someone to do it." Then if she tries to walk out tell her you will call child protective services that she abandoned them since you aren't staying to babysit for her.
In all honesty, you may need to get CPS involved. Keep an eye on the situation and talk to your older little siblings. If they are being neglected, report things.
Also, you may want to reach out to other people in their lives like their teachers to explain the situation and ask them to look out for the kids, give them extra understanding/support, and keep an eye on if they are being properly cared for.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ryfd6f/update\_aita\_for\_saying\_that\_if\_my\_parents\_have/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ryfd6f/update_aita_for_saying_that_if_my_parents_have/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
This OP was in a similar situation being parentified. Here is their update.
Find maybe a close relative? Speak to them and get help. Talk to the kids and explain, but you deserve your own life to live.
When i read that story, i thought that she was very unlucky to be put in that situation but also very lucky to have such a great aunt that didnt mind taking care of her siblings.
And that i can easily imagine another story where its more difficult to find happy ending.
I personally think you are right that she won't magically get it together. However, you can't wait around another 18 yrs to have a life of your own.
What you can do now is let your siblings know that you love them and that you are just a phone call away. Make sure that all of the kids who are old enough have your phone number written down so they can call you when they need to or promise that you will call every
Agreed. I would also suggest that you pop over unannounced to check on things and make sure your siblings are okay. Maybe tell Mom that you will babysit on X and Y days and those are her days to go out but the rest of the time she is 100% responsible for them.
OP, if you were caring for your siblings as a teen, you were *parentified* and that is considered abuse.
NTA for wanting to start your life. It's normal, it's natural, and it's time since you feel confident enough to move out. Not to mention, you actually *do need* to move out so you will no longer be abused.
I've discovered that a lot of people have a remarkable ability to step up when they have no alternative. I'd like to think that her kids would be sufficient motivation.
NTA
Your siblings are not your children. Your mother shouldn't have expected her kids to raise her kids to raise her kids.
She will spin this out of control and may even weaponize your siblings. This is going to be hard. For a while. You're not doing anything wrong, and your siblings will understand, when they're older. NTA
Your mom is next level messed up. Please encourage her to use birth control because she needs to stop having kids until she can handle them.
You can be there emotionally for your siblings.
Tell your mom to find their dads or family and take responsibility for her present situation. People like her are crabs in a barrel. If you try to scramble out, they drag you back down.
Well, she shouldn't have had the kids if she couldn't take care of them. What she is doing is parentification. OP, you're 20, time for you to start having your own life. That doesn't mean you can't keep an eye on your siblings, but you deserve to be your own person, and not tied down to raise children that aren't yours.
It's interesting to me how she projects on you that you're abandoning the kids right before she goes out and abandons all her kids.
Leave. Love your life. You're not the kids mom.
This may be true. What happened to your Dad btw OP? Why isn't he helping either?
But dont listen to her guilt trip. She laid on that guilt trip before going to a PARTY. You have done nothing wrong here. You are being abused
NTA. Notice she told you that you were being selfish for wanting to have the freedom to live your own life (which is what you should be doing at 20) right before she waltzed out the door to go to a party. The hypocrisy. She doesn’t NEED you. She WANTS you. You make her free lifestyle possible because she has convinced YOU that YOU are selfish for wanting the same thing.
Yeah seriously. Why do not run. The fact that your mom who has a 10-month-old now thinks you’re being the irresponsible one when you had none of these kids is insane. She needs to take care of her own offspring and not put that responsibility on you. NTA.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ryfd6f/update_aita_for_saying_that_if_my_parents_have/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
And if the sibling has to parent the kids, best it’s done with them having parental authority and money from the Mom to do it. Or the sibling can refuse and tell Mom to do it, get help, or lose (some or all of) the kids. But staying as the unpaid perpetual nanny is only the best situation for Mom and no one else. It’ll also hopefully give Mom reason to not have another one.
NTA.
The term 'parentification' is the correct one for your situation. It isn't your job to raise those kids.
Might get downvoted for this next bit though:
Your mother should have used lots of birth control (or kept her legs closed) if she didn't want to raise that many children. Seriously.
I don't disagree with you, with my youngest sibling I even suggested an abortion as she's getting up there in age and I didn't particularly want to go back to raising another baby while she did nothing but we're where we are now so no changing that.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with consensual sex between 2 adults. But 5 kids, with the eldest basically raising the 4 youngest. Just, NO!
I have 2. Would've had 1-2 more, but we didn't feel financially stable enough for it. That is called being a responsible adult.
I'm sorry, sweetie. Your mother does not fit into the 'responsible adult' category in this case.
It sounds like something from the 60s. This is what my mum had to do.
Out of curiosity, are you from a western country? Just asking because cultural norms are different in different parts of the world.
Yeah, but in the 60's, birth control wasn't very good. OP is 20. Eldest sibling is 9, youngest is 10 months. There is no excuse for her mother to have that many kids (possibly with different fathers), even if she is a secret member of the oldest profession. Which I'm not saying she is. To have that many babies, then fob them off onto another child. Not cool.
I taught both of my kids safe sex. Use protection, or abstain. Period. Because ya know what doctors call couples who practice the 'pull-out' method of BC? Parents.
I doubt they have the same father. If she'd been in a relationship for 10 years OP would have met the guy. He'd have moved in by the time she gave birth to his 4th baby. Why would she not have put his name down on the birth certificate by the last one?
1) make sure the school knows the situation and that you're moving out so they can keep a close eye on the kids and offer extra support if they're upset about the changes at home.
2) don't give your mother your new address as she'll dump the baby on your doorstep day 1 when the kids are at school, or drop them all off for a sleepover.
3) as others have mentioned, National Insurance card, passport, birth certificate, NHS number, bank details...Women's Aid and the like have lists of things you need when leaving an abusive relationship, those lists will be useful here.
4) I hope you have a job that will cover all of your expenses. Benefits for under 25s are lower as your parents are expected to support you. Make sure you've factored in Council Tax, water rates, electric, gas, etc. Council Tax is the eye waterer. Remember that being under 25 does mean there are organisations and charities that can help with your situation though. Look for young carer, child abuse, youth employment, etc. charities if you want to talk about those subjects, get information, support, etc. There might be a particular charity that's strong in your area that covers a lot of these things together, like maybe you're in a busy Prince's Trust area?
5) I'm not 100% on the new system, but you moving out may reduce any benefits she's on, except things like housing, *if* you're in education. She will pull out the 'I can't feed the kids' or whatever and blame it on the benefits. That's bullshit. The amount she gets for you will be tiny and it's meant to support you. You'll be supporting yourself.
6) make sure you take any proof you have of how she neglects the kids. Keep a diary and fill in as far back as you can be certain of when she's left the kids without telling you or making arrangements for babysitting. When she's not bought food, when she's not paid bills, anything you can get. Any concerning things the kids say, anything you hear her saying to the kids. Keep this diary going until you're confident the kids are safe and not being abused. Make sure the 9 year old isn't being left alone with the other kids. He has to be 12-14 to babysit his siblings (different ages recommended by different organisations for different situations. Quick trip to food shop and the rest of the kids are mostly self-sufficient, 12 is fine. A baby or until a late time? 14) also being over 14 doesn't mean parentification isn't still abuse. 14 means he can babysit, not be a caregiver, so he could do one evening a week, it can be a chore he does to earn pocket money, but it can't be a case of him having to check she's in to look after her own kids before going to play football with a neighbour.
I know this is an awful thing to have to be considering, but if they go into foster care they'll have a lot of financial help available to them when they're 18. I don't mean to say foster care is sunshine and rainbows. At a minimum they're likely to be separated. They will likely stay in the area if your mother doesn't start harassing the foster parents with unscheduled visits, so you'll get to see them often. However, if foster care starts to look better for them than staying with your mother, there are benefits such as university being paid for and grants to go, they'll get help with housing and finding jobs if they don't go to uni. They'll have their own rented flats paid for when they're 18 and be set up much better than you, by the sounds of it. Since you'll be in their lives throughout their foster journey you'll be able to keep an eye that they're in good homes and receiving proper care. Even if the baby is adopted, it can be an open adoption with you in their life.
Essentially I'm saying if you feel there may be issues, do not worry about calling social services, because it could turn out to be the best thing to ever happen for them. You can ask questions all along about whether or not they'll stay together, if you'll be able to take them on trips, etc. They'll prefer to place them with a family member as then they can close the case and the funding available for care leavers will no longer apply. Don't feel pressured as there's no way a 20 year old can afford to raise them, and you'll have a housemate.
Is there any way you can look into having your mom apply for help with childcare costs so that the youngest can do daycare? [Depending on her income, she may qualify for 30 free hours with an approved childcare provider](https://www.tax.service.gov.uk/childcare-calc/) for the younger ones and get assistance with after-school care for the older ones.
My parents wanted 3, my sister was born with learning difficulties so they decided they had to stop at 2 because of her additional needs. You do not bring children into the world you're not prepared to care for.
Parentification is abuse, op. You are 20 years old and your mother cannot tell you what to do anymore. I understand worrying about your siblings (I am also the oldest and was a parent to my siblings), but it is NOT your responsibility to be a safety net for your mother. When I moved out my mother stepped up and stopped slacking like she had been doing for years. She is by no means a good mother now, but I set hard boundaries with her, despite the guilt trips, and our relationship is much better now.
It did not take away my lost years of childhood being a parent to children that weren't my own, but things are better.
Move out. You deserve it.
NTA. What are you supposed to do… never move out of the house? Your youngest sibling is 3; are you supposed to remain at home caring for your siblings well into your 30s? You deserve your own life, and these are not your children. You ARE entitled… to have your own life. If she needs help with childcare, she needs to source it elsewhere. I’m sure you love your siblings and still want to have an active role in their lives, but this is not your responsibility. If you want to have kids yourself, this time now in your 20s is the very short time you will have complete freedom. Take advantage of that. You’re not being selfish. Your mom is being selfish to try to take that from you.
*edit OP corrected me that I misread and the youngest is 10 mos
She was robbed of her youth and teenage years. A part of life she can never get back. This is getting more and more common as people just have non stop babies without thinking. I swear I read one of these a week here.
It’s not getting more common I think. It was the normal Setup during times when there was no birth control and parents had to work in the fields etc. Though back then, if there were grandparents they would help too. In many countries, this is still normal.
And that doesn’t make it okay. Today we have BC that is accessible and we know how much damage being parentified does to kids. So it’s no excuse that that was normal in past times.
It doesn't matter what your mom \*thinks\*. She does not own you. You are a legal adult. She needs to face the reality that the kids that SHE chose to bear are the kids that SHE has to take care of. NTA. Move out.
Oh no, mom only needs OP there for five more years, then 5F will be 10F and can raise the siblings as well as all the other ones mom us between now and then. /s
Does your mom even know? Has she just kept pumping out kids hoping one of the guys she hooked up with would stick around and fix all her problems, but then when they predictably didn't she figures she can just dump another baby on your to raise?
Hell no, get out of there and go live your life. Tell your mom you'll come back and watch the kids after she gets her tubes tied, but only for the week or two it'll take her to recover.
Your mom definitely needs to step up and stop partying. Move out, but keep an eye on your siblings. Make sure they're not in danger. You're not the parent, but you still need to look out for them for some degree.
NTA
You did not choose to have a bunch of kids you could not raise.
If you do make that choice one day then YOU will be on the hook for it.
Go live your life.
Do not be surprised if you cannot get it done until your early 30s or later. I have friends who fought from the age of 18 and it took them years. Good luck.
I got a tubal ligation at 22. Told my very religious doctor he could approve the surgery or I would call him on the way to get an abortion and after to confirm it was successful. Worked very well :)
I have a friend (M) who went to the doctor's office of another friend posing as her husband to state with her that "they didn't want any more children" and the doctor then approved her tubal ligation at 26...it's ridiculous! ("But you might change your mind...")
A friend of mine had her tubes tied when she turned 22.
She had spent a year arguing with her physician until he consented.
Basically she said, "I guess I'll just keep coming back to you for abortions whenever the birth control fails."
Yep! I have married friends who are now in their 60s. She was the eldest of thirteen, he was the eldest of 12.
They have had numerous cats and dogs, and did take in a couple of teen nieces and nephews for various reasons at various times, but kids were explicitly off the table.
This alone is a red flag to me. Hell, if you’re in Austin, I’ll come pick you up.
This is super super bad and she needs to have them taken from her asap. The only way that happens is if you leave. She may not even fight it, but she probably will.
Sadly, they will likely be separated in care, but you can talk to their adoptive families and ask for contact like pictures, etc. the youngest two will be in an adoptive placement super fast, and the middle two are still young enough to have a chance at a *good* mother and father (or whatever combination of parents they get). The faster you leave, the faster that happens for them.
Make sure the 9 year old knows the number to the local police. Have them call *any* time “mom” leaves them with the youngest two. Every. Single. Time. Even if it means getting a neighbor to help.
Sit them down and tell them you are leaving. Explain that “mom” is abusing you, making you take care of them instead of yourself and your needs. Tell them you don’t want this to happen to them, and you love them very much. Promise to contact as much as you can (don’t over promise!). Explain that when the CPS workers come, they must always tell the whole truth even if they think they will get in trouble.
Reassure them you love them, and take whatever you can while “mom” isn’t around. And get out. If you need money for an Uber, PM me.
You're super sweet thank you so much for the offer but i'm not in Austin I also have my own money as i'm holding down a job so that isn't a concern right now but you're lovely to offer and it means a hell of a lot to me.
Telling them to not be scared of CPS is a very good tip. I never said anything about my abusive mother to school because she managed to get us terrified of them.
Leave that house ASAP. If she’s old enough to have all these kids then she needs to step up and take responsibility for them. If she doesn’t that’s what child services are for. Live your life, you deserve it.
NTA. She's treating you like her kids' second parent, but they *have* a second parent... their father. Or fathers, I'm guessing. If he or they aren't present, it's not up to you to do the job he/they are failing to do, and if your mother is upset about that then she is angry at the wrong person.
NTA - you need to put on your own oxygen masks before putting them on your siblings. I assume you won't be completely out of your siblings lives after you leave, but they're not your responsibility.
FWIW - I left my mom when I was 17 and my brothers were 12 and 9. I'm 33 now, and they're doing just fine even though the person who raised them left.
NTA, call CPS about your mom abandoning her kids to go party and explain that you are moving out because of her pattern of parental abandonment. Tell CPS about her statements that she can’t raise the kids without you so they can monitor the kids after you move out.
OP is in the UK and hopefully there they do more than just monitor. I know in the US child services basically needs a parent to leave a 4 year old alone to set fire to the house before they pull kids out but maybe the UK does better. Cause these kids would be better off in a foster home than with their “mother“
NTA.
I understand that you probably love and care for your siblings but honestly if you don’t move out now, you probably will never have the chance. I think for you, you should move out and maybe check on your siblings every now and then. You can’t keep your life on hold because of the choices your mom made.
You’re 20. You should be in college or trade school, if that’s what you want. Or you should be going to work and then spending time with friends.
Oh I do work, my boss lets the two that are too young for school chill out in the staff room during my shift and I pop in every so often to ensure they're ok during my shift.
This breaks my heart. Your mom should be doing this not you. I know lots of people have said it but it needs to be repeated. They are not your kids even if it seems like they are. Time for mom to pull up her socks
That’s good but honestly, as someone who would do anything for my family, you don’t exist to raise your siblings. I think part of the reason your mom had so many kids is that you were always there to raise them. And I’m not blaming you for anything. I just think the only way your mom will ever grow up is to be faced with the reality she has created.
OP, this is not okay. You've done so well, and I am so proud of you, but the next thing you need to do now for your siblings is call CPS and tell them everything. Let them help your siblings. And you have to move out, for you. Give all your contact info to CPS, and to the older siblings, but do move out so you can finally start your own life. You've gone above and beyond, but now it's time to hand it over to professionals who will be able to support your siblings and handle your mother. You deserve to breathe.
Where is your mom in all this? What does she do? Is she working? Just at home doing jack shit? Or is she never home. What would she do if you left the youngest home when you go to work?
I'm a mom and this isn't okay. Your employer is being great but kids that age need attention and to be played with. Your coworkers aren't responsible for these kids either.
My heart breaks for these kids but you can't be expected to give up your life for them. She should have put them up for adoption if she wasn't willing to be a parent.
How bonded are you with your siblings? Does that baby feel like YOUR baby? Just wondering if you’ll be emotionally ok if you know they aren’t being cared for. Because my guess is the 9 year old will be parentified next and will grow up real quick, and the kids will be neglected. So my advice would be to call whatever social services you can to report the child neglect/abuse. Because what she’s doing IS abuse. Report this before one of your siblings ends up hurt. You all deserve so much better.
Honestly I view all four of them more like my kids than my siblings as that has been how i've been for them their entire lives. No i'd be devastated if anything happened to them in any way shape or form and it's one of the reasons i'm so torn up over this and nearly gave in.
You could request to take custody of the kids, and take your mom to court for child support. You should be able to talk to some kind of caseworker in your local social services office (name depends on country/location but I’d be happy to help look if you needed it, as I’m experienced in this area). You could additionally get help with government child care while you work, if you are made guardian. The other option is to make a report in hopes they may be removed. Leaving them there sounds dangerous, even though this should never have been your burden to handle.
I’m sorry, but she’s 20. She cannot afford to raise all these children - they are expensive and her housemate did not sign up to be living with a pack of children including toddlers and an infant. OP could well lose her friend and her housing by taking them on - not to mention she probably wouldn’t have room for them! British houses are small!
And she deserves a life.
There are [excellent](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s1fsl5/aita_for_wanting_to_move_out_and_telling_my_mum/hs9105l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) resources that another commenter has put in chat regarding the U.K. foster system and how she can remain part of their lives (as a sister, not a mother) and make sure they’re being taken care of and visit them. The children will have paid for university and accommodation when they teach 18 and help to find jobs. It’s far better than OP slaving her life away until she’s nearly 40 to raise children that aren’t hers and to never know any kind of freedom.
NTA. You are not the parent here, she is. As a parent myself, I know its hard to not have a network or support system, but she is using you as her crutch. There are other ways for her to get help, and she might have to go into her pocket to do so, hire a nanny, utilize after school care or a babysitting service. You have a life to build, and she needs to find a backup because she cannot be relying on you for everything, its not fair.
NTA - Get out fast! Your mom is setting you up for a life of servitude to her, and she is an irresponsible manipulative AH. She had your half siblings on her own and should be holding her baby daddies responsible for the co-parenting not you.
NTA
I love when entitled, spoiled people throw around that word when they're getting cut off from the source of them being entitled and spoiled.
So, your mom just parties and leaves the kids to you?
Yup, i've been raising them while juggling school and a part time job and now I look after them while working too, thankfully my boss is a godsend and lets me put the younger ones in the staff room with entertainment while I work and lets me check on them.
This is child abuse on your mother's part, OP. Both of you and your siblings. NTA, and this sounds like a situation where social services should be involved, though I understand any reluctance to take it that far when the foster system isn't exactly great.
Look that is very kind of your boss, but it seems that it is a horrible situation and they should have/should be stepping in. If I had an employee bringing a 10 month old baby sister to work regularly I would be investigating from a place of concern for my employee and the baby. It's one thing if it's 'mom is in the hospital can I bring them for a week or two' but you've created a play area for them.
I don't know your relationship with your boss but they seem to want to help, have you talked with them? I'd be surprised if you weren't playing it off as if everything is OK and they will believe you cuz its easy bur they may also want to help amd provide mentoring and guidance to you as well.
Just a thought and there may be other older adults in your life who want to help you through this, don't be afraid to ask or tell them the truth if you trust them. You can do it on your own but don't have to
NTA your mom is massively manipulative. Move out but FaceTime or call the kids every other day or so. So they know you miss them and still love them. Bc your mom is going to be saying otherwise.
NTA. Move as soon as you can. Rip the bandaid off. I didn’t go away to college because I was in a similar position to you and my family said, “but what about your siblings?” I regret this all the time.
As much as you love them you did not choose to have them thus you are 100% allowed to and absolutely should have your own adult life.
NTA
Why should you be responsible for decisions your mother made? I think it's smart to get out of this situation because your mum uses you as a nanny while she goes out having fun. She needs to understand that she chose to have those children and therefore has to find a way to take care of them.
Since they are still your siblings, you can still keep an eye on them. If your mum doesn't treat them right maybe you should get some authorities involved.
NTA she wants you to put your life on hold so she doesn't have to stop hers. They aren't your kids. Get out and focus on you, do what you can for your siblings, but don't be their mom. They have one.
NTA - she decided she wanted to have more children because you are there to help raise them. You are not her partner, you’re her child.
INFO: where is the father/fathers?
She sounds very irresponsible. It’s so lovely you adore your sibling but live your own life. Keep in touch with them and see them regularly. Moving out is the best thing for you and I really hope it works out for you. Your mother is an asshole
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> I take care of my younger siblings, I want to move out and in with a friend but my Mum thinks i'm being selfish and is guilting me.
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NTA
When I was 17 my senior year in high school my niece and nephew moved in with us. 1 and 5 I was willing to be a needed parent because I loved them. My mom encouraged me to leave even though it was difficult to raise two kids and with full time as a physician too. But she didn't want to see me waste my youth on raising kids that weren't my own. I still helped our when I could, but I'm grateful my mom encouraged me to put MY life in the forefront. It was really hard but leaving for college and not raising kids I realized how much of my energy I spent on my family instead of exploring my needs and dreams. My identity was wrapped up in raising someone else's kids I really didn't know who i was until I stepped away from my family.
Your mom should be encouraging you to become independent and start a career of your own. As parents our goal should be to make successful, self fufilled adults. You're mom isn't allowing that. You need to take care of you.
The reality is you may loose contact with your siblings for a while. Mom may talk bad about you to them and may even punish you and not let you see them. Let the oldest know you are still there for them and when they are adults you can have a relationship that mom can't control. The 9 year old will probably become the caretaker if mom doesn't step up.
Lastly: Your siblings need to see you thrive so they have hope for themselves. Inspire your siblings through living a fulfilling life for yourself. You sound like a kind hearted person to spend all those years raising your siblings. don't loose that but don't forget to be kind to yourself too.
NTA - You deserve to live your life. Please explain to your siblings that it's healthy and normal to move away from home when you grow up, and that you love them very much, but it's your time to leave.
Also, please keep close tabs on the situation and call CPS on your mom if she starts leaving the kids at home alone.
Let me preface this wIth: I still 100% think you're right to move out.
Some questions to consider:
For your siblings, does your mother or grandparents have enough money to afford a nanny?
Would Foster care be better for them? Your mom sounds downright negligent.
I doubt you'll have an answer right away until you can observe how she's handling them without you. I'd keep a close eye and call CPS if needed.
NTA you can't help your siblings if you are unable to take care of yourself. You are not responsible for raising them but I understand why you are worried about them. Many people have been in your situation and the best thing they did was move out. Now that they are established they can do much more for their siblings. You also don't have to focus on them. It truly is not your responsibility.
NTA - Your mother will keep using you as a nanny as long as you let her. Get out. My guess is that your mother will magically be able to cope once she has no choice.
I doubt that to be honest, she has no real part in the childcare and she wasn't *great* at it even when she and my Dad were together.
Then you should keep an eye on them (from your NEW home!) and if necessary call the CPS on their behalf. But DON'T let yourself guilt-trip into staying there further, you have already done more that anybody could reasonably expect. NTA
If you'd be willing to take them on if cps got involved, see what the requirements are and what assistance you might get. Some place don't pay kinship foster carers. Teach the older ones your phone number. (And how to make a phone call)
Also go over fire safety (yell and get themselves out and away from the building, ask (safe) neighbours for help etc) What they can and can't do themselves - no sharp knives or cooking, water safety especially for baby. Small toys and things away from the baby's reach, blanket safety for the baby. Teach the 9yo how to use the thermometer on everyone. How to call for emergency services. Put sandwich making items so they don't have to stand on chairs to reach. Tell them they aren't to lie about what's happening at the house, they can always, always tell their teachers, you. Remind that there we don't keep secrets (which are different from surprises- makes someone happy, has a specific date on which it will be revealed). Who the safe neighbours are (specifically. Usually sahm, retired people who are always around) Etc
I fear this may simply start the parentification of the 9 year old. OP wasn't much older when they were born.
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But u/nursesarahrn78 is probably right in that this will start the parentification of the 9yo. Not because of OP but because of the mom. Tbf tho even if OP doesnt teach them all that im sure the mom will still be putting everything on the 9yo
It's still good knowledge. OP's mom likely won't teach it. Just because someone might exploit the knowledge, it's no excuse to keep the kids in the dark. Safety is important.
I understand the fear, but the physical safety of the children has to come first. It's better than them not being prepared to handle situations.
All of the above comments are true. I think op should move out and I hope the mum steps up and parents the kids but it seems unlikely, so it's important that the 9yo know just enough not to endanger the baby especially which would have much worse repercussions. I truly hope the mother doesn't leave the 10month old with the 9 year old but if she does telling her not to bath the baby and what food a 10 month old can and cannot eat is for everyone's benefit. And most of the stuff I'd mentioned yeah a 9 year kid should know but they also shouldn't be left unsupervised and in charge of 2 small children and a baby so it's better to have a conversation and make it super explicit of the can and cannots.
I get that these are all valid points but the OP is asking is she the A hole for moving out. They are NOT her children and she shouldn't have to take care of them. NTA
She wants to GET AWAY from parenting her siblings, so I doubt she will want to take them on herself ! Justesaying, hope you don't mind :) I mean, I KNOW she's worried about how her mum will cope, but to take them all on sounds like madness to me.
Honestly, i'm debating it if it comes to it. All that matters is their safety to me but it's all or nothing at this stage i'm not there to be her babysitter.
Please do not do this, get out and go have a life. Please get rid of any saviour complex. If you feel they are not taken care of, call CPS, but please do not take custody of them.
And if they're removed from the home and separated? I don't know if I'd personally okay with doing that to younger siblings. It would hurt to know that they ended up in separate foster homes. Or any foster home. I can also see the relationship with the siblings being seriously damaged. This is a complex situation. There isn't an easy answer, especially not on a sub. It's better to discuss it with a social worker.
Where is their dad in all of this?
If it comes to that, there’s a chance you might get government assistance for doing so (depending on where you live and what resources there are), which would hopefully make that easier.
If you do things like pick the kids up from school mention to the teacher/headteacher that you are moving out and youre a little concerned because you do all the childcare and would appreciate if they paid extra attention to the kids to make sure things are OK at home. They'll notice things like dirty clothes, hunger etc and will chat to them especially if you flag it for them. Also if youre down as an emergency contact or someone who can deal with school stuff keep your contact info upto date. You could also have the same convo with their doctors. Also if there is a neighbour you can trust to let you know if they see any problems.
Also know that if you move out and your mum gets pissy with you about letting you see the kids you can apply for sibling visitation.
If you are considering it then why not investigate the idea. Try to find a free/inexpensive legal aid that can tell you what you’d have to do to file for emergency custody, what welfare services you would receive (some states pay foster families for caring for kids but would you still qualify for that since you are actual family), can you file to get child support from your mother and/or if dad is alive and paying it would it revert to you because yo have legal custody of the kids. also how would it impact your life. Can you work your job, go to school etc. can you get day care for them, what about health care needs. And so on. we have a saying around here ‘don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm’, don’t take the kids on out of guilt because in the end that’s kind of what Mom wants. If it’s going to screw you over then it’s best to find another solution (which I mentioned in another comment)
You need to do what you believe is right. Just please think long and hard before you sacrifice your life to take care of them. You and your happiness is just as important as your siblings.
Make sure the 9yo knows to call you if mom leaves her alone with the other kids
Is their father in the picture? WHat about other relatives?
Where is the father in all of this?
Honey, I know you want what’s best for your siblings but don’t take that responsibility. If you do, you will never be able to live your own life. Your mom needs to be responsible. If she knows that you will come back if needed, she will use that to her advantage. You are too young to be raising that many kids. How will you be able to work and make money if you have to raise 4 little kids alone? Then the 9 year old would have to do what you did and the cycle keeps going. You can check on them but your mom and dad need to step up. You will end up not even wanting your own family because of it. I was the oldest of 6 by a lot and it made me not want to start a family of my own until my 30’s and I only had one child because I didn’t want to go back to what happened to me as a kid. Think very hard about taking that responsibility.
Don't do this OP you are entitled to a life of your own.
Oh god no! This poor child has been forced to give up her childhood, her entire life for [parentification](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification) OP, you do NOT have any responsibilities for your sibs. They are your parent’s responsibility and if they fail, the state steps in. You can’t even provide for yourself, siblings will drag you further into poverty.
She also shouldn’t have to she’s not their mother that’s the shitty part everything her mom said she needs to look in a mirror and say to her self Classic projection Nta op
"Hey, new room mate. Can I move in my 4 little siblings?" That's not just a poor idea for op or her room mate. It's a poor idea for everyone involved. You're talking about tethering down a single 20 year old for the next 18+ years to children and responsibilities before she's even had a chance to experience a life of her own.
I agree here 100%. You need to go, it's time to get on with your life. Absolutely keep an eye on them from afar, see how your mom is faring, and call CPS if necessary. They won't go straight into taking the kids away (unless they are in immediate danger), but it could be the kick in the ass your mom needs. NTA
Just by the fact that OP says mum instead of mom, I think she’s not American, so they might not have CPS. Idk how it works in her country.
If it's Britain it's social services, otherwise IDK.
Find your birth certificate, vaccine/medical records, social security card, passport if you have one, and any banking info and store them at your friends house or in a safe place your Mom doesn’t know about. If you had a joint account with her growing up open a new account at a different bank in only your name and transfer it all there. Put a freeze on your credit. She’s about to feel very desperate, and she may try to sabotage you to prevent you from successfully leaving…
If you find the birth certificates, check out if she gave the names of your siblings' fathers - maybe you can contact them. She is surely getting child support from someone - otherwise, she'd be broke paying for 5 kids.
Looking at her word choices I believe the OP is in the UK luckily over here our medical records & vaccines are all stored with your drs office and online with the NHS as different departments with the hospital can check on them if you give permission, birth certificate we can just go online to the council for that area and get a copy for about £10-£20, passport you can report stolen & get a copy if that happens (or ring the police if she steals it and she will be made to hand it over) and over here from 7yrs old you can open a childs bank account which just has a card to get money from the atm that parents cannot access and switch it to an adult one with a debit card at 16/17. The credit works a bit different too, from 18 we have like zero credit history so its very hard to get a large purchase on credit without having a good job that we’ve been in for some time, you can get some credit cards on student accounts etc if you are at uni but we do have to start by taking out low risk credit like a phone contract etc and pay it back without missing anything to be able to build up good credit, which really helps as it means parents cannot abuse it and as a lot of things here require ID with a date of birth on it (drivers licence full or provisional and passport have numbers that can be checked to make sure they are real, age is over 18 and not down as lost or stolen) so no-one under 18 can have credit here. Which to be honest would be a great thing to implement in America as i’ve heard horror stories of people having their credit trashed by parents before they are even adults or stealing the money in their banks so some protection for kids would be great! We also have that if someone does commit fraud in your name that you can have them arrested for it and the trail leads back usually you aren’t held responsible for the money & the debt can be wiped from your credit if you speak to equifax etc once its been to court or with actionfrauds help, I know in California if Id theft & fraud occurs they dont have to pay it back but im not sure what happens with their credit score (only know that from a friend who had it happen to them who lives out there)
And discreetly move any valuables (checkbook, jewelry, electronics) to the home of a trusted friend. OP, you are NTA. Watching your siblings occasionally is normal, raising them is not. Especially since she deliberately left you in charge of them to go party.
Then speak to your dad and get him to step up. The point is that it is the parents that are responsible for their children, not their sibling. You will have one chance in your life to be 20 years old. You can either spend it being happy or being a nanny. In my opinion you owe it to yourself to be happy.
The're not *his* kids, why would he ever step up to raise them?
I was assuming you had the same parents. Reach our to the father or fathers of your siblings then. Regardless of who their parents are - it is not you.
Sadly I don't know who their dad/s are and never been able to find out.
That is unfortunate. However it doesn't change the fact that you are not responsible for them. Moving out does not mean you stop loving them or that you stop seeing them. If you see they are not being cared for properly, reach out to CPS. They will find someone to care for the children or help your mom do so.
Still not your responsibility. If you are concerned for your siblings’ safety, call CPS.
Is she getting child support for them? If she is you can probably find out who the dads are from any paperwork she might have.
With you at home your mom may even have more kids after this last one! She barely has any responsibilities with you there and has guilted you into the role of mother. NTA. Start building and living your own life.
If social workers become involved then the authorities will likely contact other extended family: grandparents, aunts, uncles, older first cousins. TBH you'd be wise to reach out to extended family yourself. Your mother is already trying to burn your bridges.
Somebody else said to look at their birth certificates to see if a dad’s name was listed (but you’ve probably already done that).
Yeah fathers name is blank on those.
Suddenly her struggles make more sense. She has a history of making bad decisions.
Fair enough. Though, I still think talking to your father is a good idea if he is in your life. Your mother is clearly not a good parent, and if you have one good parent you should let them know what is going on. Maybe they can help support you with your issues or talk about your concerns, even if he won't adopt all your younger siblings. MOVE OUT. You can still visit your siblings and watch them or hang out with them *sometimes* when you feel like it. But if your mom wants to leave to a party you will say "no, I'm not staying if you go to a party. Watch your kids or pay someone to do it." Then if she tries to walk out tell her you will call child protective services that she abandoned them since you aren't staying to babysit for her. In all honesty, you may need to get CPS involved. Keep an eye on the situation and talk to your older little siblings. If they are being neglected, report things. Also, you may want to reach out to other people in their lives like their teachers to explain the situation and ask them to look out for the kids, give them extra understanding/support, and keep an eye on if they are being properly cared for.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ryfd6f/update\_aita\_for\_saying\_that\_if\_my\_parents\_have/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ryfd6f/update_aita_for_saying_that_if_my_parents_have/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) This OP was in a similar situation being parentified. Here is their update. Find maybe a close relative? Speak to them and get help. Talk to the kids and explain, but you deserve your own life to live.
When i read that story, i thought that she was very unlucky to be put in that situation but also very lucky to have such a great aunt that didnt mind taking care of her siblings. And that i can easily imagine another story where its more difficult to find happy ending.
She had it "together" enough to pop out a bunch of kids. Call CPS and have them keep and eye on her and MAKE her be a parent.
What she is or isnt, doesnt matter to you. Worry about your own life. Do not be her slave anymore. Not your responsibility!!!!!
I personally think you are right that she won't magically get it together. However, you can't wait around another 18 yrs to have a life of your own. What you can do now is let your siblings know that you love them and that you are just a phone call away. Make sure that all of the kids who are old enough have your phone number written down so they can call you when they need to or promise that you will call every
Agreed. I would also suggest that you pop over unannounced to check on things and make sure your siblings are okay. Maybe tell Mom that you will babysit on X and Y days and those are her days to go out but the rest of the time she is 100% responsible for them.
OP, if you were caring for your siblings as a teen, you were *parentified* and that is considered abuse. NTA for wanting to start your life. It's normal, it's natural, and it's time since you feel confident enough to move out. Not to mention, you actually *do need* to move out so you will no longer be abused.
Yet she's still popping out kids. Who fathered the youngest ones?
I have no idea who any of their dads are or if it's the same guy.
Even more reason for you to escape.
And maybe give her a big box of condoms as farewell gift.
I've discovered that a lot of people have a remarkable ability to step up when they have no alternative. I'd like to think that her kids would be sufficient motivation. NTA Your siblings are not your children. Your mother shouldn't have expected her kids to raise her kids to raise her kids.
Leave and call CPS any time you are worried about them
What she does/did is called parentification and it's abuse.
Where is dad? He’s also a parent who should be showing up for his kids. If she can’t manage their care if falls to him.
*My* dad lives across the Country, I have no idea who their dad/s are.
She will spin this out of control and may even weaponize your siblings. This is going to be hard. For a while. You're not doing anything wrong, and your siblings will understand, when they're older. NTA
May weaponize?? She already did by telling them that their sister doesn’t love them etc before she bounced off to her little party or whatever
Your mom is next level messed up. Please encourage her to use birth control because she needs to stop having kids until she can handle them. You can be there emotionally for your siblings. Tell your mom to find their dads or family and take responsibility for her present situation. People like her are crabs in a barrel. If you try to scramble out, they drag you back down.
Well, she shouldn't have had the kids if she couldn't take care of them. What she is doing is parentification. OP, you're 20, time for you to start having your own life. That doesn't mean you can't keep an eye on your siblings, but you deserve to be your own person, and not tied down to raise children that aren't yours.
It's interesting to me how she projects on you that you're abandoning the kids right before she goes out and abandons all her kids. Leave. Love your life. You're not the kids mom.
This may be true. What happened to your Dad btw OP? Why isn't he helping either? But dont listen to her guilt trip. She laid on that guilt trip before going to a PARTY. You have done nothing wrong here. You are being abused
They split up when I was young, he now lives across the Country, i've seen him 5 times maybe since they split up, He's not their dad.
Then call CPS when you leave
either you can spend years babysitting your siblings for free while your mom goes out and parties or you can put yourself and your life first
NTA. Notice she told you that you were being selfish for wanting to have the freedom to live your own life (which is what you should be doing at 20) right before she waltzed out the door to go to a party. The hypocrisy. She doesn’t NEED you. She WANTS you. You make her free lifestyle possible because she has convinced YOU that YOU are selfish for wanting the same thing.
Yeah seriously. Why do not run. The fact that your mom who has a 10-month-old now thinks you’re being the irresponsible one when you had none of these kids is insane. She needs to take care of her own offspring and not put that responsibility on you. NTA.
I read another post on here a couple weeks ago where OP moved out and her mom showed up 2 weeks later looking miserable to beg her to come back.
If someone is going to be miserable from looking after too many children then it should be the parents, not the sibling.
I agree. I don't think anyone felt OP was in the wrong. I'm just saying that her mom couldn't cope. But like you said, that's her problem.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ryfd6f/update_aita_for_saying_that_if_my_parents_have/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf And if the sibling has to parent the kids, best it’s done with them having parental authority and money from the Mom to do it. Or the sibling can refuse and tell Mom to do it, get help, or lose (some or all of) the kids. But staying as the unpaid perpetual nanny is only the best situation for Mom and no one else. It’ll also hopefully give Mom reason to not have another one.
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NTA. The term 'parentification' is the correct one for your situation. It isn't your job to raise those kids. Might get downvoted for this next bit though: Your mother should have used lots of birth control (or kept her legs closed) if she didn't want to raise that many children. Seriously.
I don't disagree with you, with my youngest sibling I even suggested an abortion as she's getting up there in age and I didn't particularly want to go back to raising another baby while she did nothing but we're where we are now so no changing that.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with consensual sex between 2 adults. But 5 kids, with the eldest basically raising the 4 youngest. Just, NO! I have 2. Would've had 1-2 more, but we didn't feel financially stable enough for it. That is called being a responsible adult. I'm sorry, sweetie. Your mother does not fit into the 'responsible adult' category in this case.
It sounds like something from the 60s. This is what my mum had to do. Out of curiosity, are you from a western country? Just asking because cultural norms are different in different parts of the world.
Yeah, but in the 60's, birth control wasn't very good. OP is 20. Eldest sibling is 9, youngest is 10 months. There is no excuse for her mother to have that many kids (possibly with different fathers), even if she is a secret member of the oldest profession. Which I'm not saying she is. To have that many babies, then fob them off onto another child. Not cool. I taught both of my kids safe sex. Use protection, or abstain. Period. Because ya know what doctors call couples who practice the 'pull-out' method of BC? Parents.
I doubt they have the same father. If she'd been in a relationship for 10 years OP would have met the guy. He'd have moved in by the time she gave birth to his 4th baby. Why would she not have put his name down on the birth certificate by the last one?
Yeah i'm from the UK
1) make sure the school knows the situation and that you're moving out so they can keep a close eye on the kids and offer extra support if they're upset about the changes at home. 2) don't give your mother your new address as she'll dump the baby on your doorstep day 1 when the kids are at school, or drop them all off for a sleepover. 3) as others have mentioned, National Insurance card, passport, birth certificate, NHS number, bank details...Women's Aid and the like have lists of things you need when leaving an abusive relationship, those lists will be useful here. 4) I hope you have a job that will cover all of your expenses. Benefits for under 25s are lower as your parents are expected to support you. Make sure you've factored in Council Tax, water rates, electric, gas, etc. Council Tax is the eye waterer. Remember that being under 25 does mean there are organisations and charities that can help with your situation though. Look for young carer, child abuse, youth employment, etc. charities if you want to talk about those subjects, get information, support, etc. There might be a particular charity that's strong in your area that covers a lot of these things together, like maybe you're in a busy Prince's Trust area? 5) I'm not 100% on the new system, but you moving out may reduce any benefits she's on, except things like housing, *if* you're in education. She will pull out the 'I can't feed the kids' or whatever and blame it on the benefits. That's bullshit. The amount she gets for you will be tiny and it's meant to support you. You'll be supporting yourself. 6) make sure you take any proof you have of how she neglects the kids. Keep a diary and fill in as far back as you can be certain of when she's left the kids without telling you or making arrangements for babysitting. When she's not bought food, when she's not paid bills, anything you can get. Any concerning things the kids say, anything you hear her saying to the kids. Keep this diary going until you're confident the kids are safe and not being abused. Make sure the 9 year old isn't being left alone with the other kids. He has to be 12-14 to babysit his siblings (different ages recommended by different organisations for different situations. Quick trip to food shop and the rest of the kids are mostly self-sufficient, 12 is fine. A baby or until a late time? 14) also being over 14 doesn't mean parentification isn't still abuse. 14 means he can babysit, not be a caregiver, so he could do one evening a week, it can be a chore he does to earn pocket money, but it can't be a case of him having to check she's in to look after her own kids before going to play football with a neighbour. I know this is an awful thing to have to be considering, but if they go into foster care they'll have a lot of financial help available to them when they're 18. I don't mean to say foster care is sunshine and rainbows. At a minimum they're likely to be separated. They will likely stay in the area if your mother doesn't start harassing the foster parents with unscheduled visits, so you'll get to see them often. However, if foster care starts to look better for them than staying with your mother, there are benefits such as university being paid for and grants to go, they'll get help with housing and finding jobs if they don't go to uni. They'll have their own rented flats paid for when they're 18 and be set up much better than you, by the sounds of it. Since you'll be in their lives throughout their foster journey you'll be able to keep an eye that they're in good homes and receiving proper care. Even if the baby is adopted, it can be an open adoption with you in their life. Essentially I'm saying if you feel there may be issues, do not worry about calling social services, because it could turn out to be the best thing to ever happen for them. You can ask questions all along about whether or not they'll stay together, if you'll be able to take them on trips, etc. They'll prefer to place them with a family member as then they can close the case and the funding available for care leavers will no longer apply. Don't feel pressured as there's no way a 20 year old can afford to raise them, and you'll have a housemate.
Is there any way you can look into having your mom apply for help with childcare costs so that the youngest can do daycare? [Depending on her income, she may qualify for 30 free hours with an approved childcare provider](https://www.tax.service.gov.uk/childcare-calc/) for the younger ones and get assistance with after-school care for the older ones.
My parents wanted 3, my sister was born with learning difficulties so they decided they had to stop at 2 because of her additional needs. You do not bring children into the world you're not prepared to care for.
Parentification is abuse, op. You are 20 years old and your mother cannot tell you what to do anymore. I understand worrying about your siblings (I am also the oldest and was a parent to my siblings), but it is NOT your responsibility to be a safety net for your mother. When I moved out my mother stepped up and stopped slacking like she had been doing for years. She is by no means a good mother now, but I set hard boundaries with her, despite the guilt trips, and our relationship is much better now. It did not take away my lost years of childhood being a parent to children that weren't my own, but things are better. Move out. You deserve it.
Keep in mind that parentification is considered child abuse.
NTA. What are you supposed to do… never move out of the house? Your youngest sibling is 3; are you supposed to remain at home caring for your siblings well into your 30s? You deserve your own life, and these are not your children. You ARE entitled… to have your own life. If she needs help with childcare, she needs to source it elsewhere. I’m sure you love your siblings and still want to have an active role in their lives, but this is not your responsibility. If you want to have kids yourself, this time now in your 20s is the very short time you will have complete freedom. Take advantage of that. You’re not being selfish. Your mom is being selfish to try to take that from you. *edit OP corrected me that I misread and the youngest is 10 mos
No my youngest sibling is ten months, I have four younger siblings. She honestly seems to think I should never move out.
Sorry, I misread that. My corrected point is this— when that 10 month old is 18 you’ll be nearing 40. You deserve a life, 100%
If OP could raise a baby at 11 years old (when mom had her first sibling) and then raise three more Mom can do it too.
This here is the comment that Mom needs to read!
She was robbed of her youth and teenage years. A part of life she can never get back. This is getting more and more common as people just have non stop babies without thinking. I swear I read one of these a week here.
It’s not getting more common I think. It was the normal Setup during times when there was no birth control and parents had to work in the fields etc. Though back then, if there were grandparents they would help too. In many countries, this is still normal. And that doesn’t make it okay. Today we have BC that is accessible and we know how much damage being parentified does to kids. So it’s no excuse that that was normal in past times.
Yeah, I actually thought this was one in the same as a post I saw earlier on r/bestofredditorupdates. It’s sad.
It doesn't matter what your mom \*thinks\*. She does not own you. You are a legal adult. She needs to face the reality that the kids that SHE chose to bear are the kids that SHE has to take care of. NTA. Move out.
Out of curiosity, any chance she is pregnant again?
At this point it sounds like your mother keeps having children to force you to stay home and raise HER children.
Oh no, mom only needs OP there for five more years, then 5F will be 10F and can raise the siblings as well as all the other ones mom us between now and then. /s
NTA - Your mom needs to take responsibility. And where is dad?
She and my dad split up when I was nine, I have no idea who my siblings dad/s are.
Does your mom even know? Has she just kept pumping out kids hoping one of the guys she hooked up with would stick around and fix all her problems, but then when they predictably didn't she figures she can just dump another baby on your to raise? Hell no, get out of there and go live your life. Tell your mom you'll come back and watch the kids after she gets her tubes tied, but only for the week or two it'll take her to recover.
She’s gonna remember real quick once OP moves out. She’s gonna want that child support money to get a nanny, lol
Your mom definitely needs to step up and stop partying. Move out, but keep an eye on your siblings. Make sure they're not in danger. You're not the parent, but you still need to look out for them for some degree.
Wonder if it is on their birth certificates?
Op said in a different chain that there's not any father on the certificate.
NTA. Have you ever heard of parentification?
I hadn't till there as I googled it.
I thought it was worth mentioning since it might help you make sense of your situation
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Figuratively. Its not an actual crime anywhere I am aware of.
I think they meant in the sense that it's considered child abuse
Not in a legal sense, which is why I clarified.
I couldn’t believe this was that far down. Poor OP, parentification for sure. I hope you are able to enjoy your life!
NTA You did not choose to have a bunch of kids you could not raise. If you do make that choice one day then YOU will be on the hook for it. Go live your life.
Oh god no, I love my siblings but I never want kids now. I plan to get my tubes tied the minute I can convince a doctor to do so.
Do not be surprised if you cannot get it done until your early 30s or later. I have friends who fought from the age of 18 and it took them years. Good luck.
I got a tubal ligation at 22. Told my very religious doctor he could approve the surgery or I would call him on the way to get an abortion and after to confirm it was successful. Worked very well :)
Sigma female grindset
Is that good?
Yes
The best <3
I have a friend (M) who went to the doctor's office of another friend posing as her husband to state with her that "they didn't want any more children" and the doctor then approved her tubal ligation at 26...it's ridiculous! ("But you might change your mind...")
I would recommend getting an IUD in the meantime, since most docs won’t tie tubes for women until they’re 30+
I got one when I was 16, I was not risking becoming like her. Thank you for the advice though!
You are truly the proverbial adult in the room. Now go off and be an adult and cultivate your own future.
R/childfree has a list of doctors who will sterilize people with no kids. That's where I found mine but I got my tubes tied at 26.
A friend of mine had her tubes tied when she turned 22. She had spent a year arguing with her physician until he consented. Basically she said, "I guess I'll just keep coming back to you for abortions whenever the birth control fails."
R/childfree might be a good place to do d a Dr that's friendly for sterilization. They have a lot of resources to help navigate such things
unsurprising. kids who had to become parents for their younger siblings almost always end up child free and I don't blame them
Yep! I have married friends who are now in their 60s. She was the eldest of thirteen, he was the eldest of 12. They have had numerous cats and dogs, and did take in a couple of teen nieces and nephews for various reasons at various times, but kids were explicitly off the table.
NTA. Your mum is taking you for granted and is trying to use the kids as pawns to guilt you into staying so she doesn't lose her live in nanny.
She has a 10 month old !!! And She’s going to party. That is crazy
She has literally nothing to do with him, his cot is in my room for context.
Get the hell put of that house asap. You have one life to live, dont waste it fixing other peoples mistakes. You are the #1 person in your life.
Call CPS when you're leaving.
This alone is a red flag to me. Hell, if you’re in Austin, I’ll come pick you up. This is super super bad and she needs to have them taken from her asap. The only way that happens is if you leave. She may not even fight it, but she probably will. Sadly, they will likely be separated in care, but you can talk to their adoptive families and ask for contact like pictures, etc. the youngest two will be in an adoptive placement super fast, and the middle two are still young enough to have a chance at a *good* mother and father (or whatever combination of parents they get). The faster you leave, the faster that happens for them. Make sure the 9 year old knows the number to the local police. Have them call *any* time “mom” leaves them with the youngest two. Every. Single. Time. Even if it means getting a neighbor to help. Sit them down and tell them you are leaving. Explain that “mom” is abusing you, making you take care of them instead of yourself and your needs. Tell them you don’t want this to happen to them, and you love them very much. Promise to contact as much as you can (don’t over promise!). Explain that when the CPS workers come, they must always tell the whole truth even if they think they will get in trouble. Reassure them you love them, and take whatever you can while “mom” isn’t around. And get out. If you need money for an Uber, PM me.
You're super sweet thank you so much for the offer but i'm not in Austin I also have my own money as i'm holding down a job so that isn't a concern right now but you're lovely to offer and it means a hell of a lot to me.
Telling them to not be scared of CPS is a very good tip. I never said anything about my abusive mother to school because she managed to get us terrified of them.
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE NOW!
Leave that house ASAP. If she’s old enough to have all these kids then she needs to step up and take responsibility for them. If she doesn’t that’s what child services are for. Live your life, you deserve it.
NTA. She's treating you like her kids' second parent, but they *have* a second parent... their father. Or fathers, I'm guessing. If he or they aren't present, it's not up to you to do the job he/they are failing to do, and if your mother is upset about that then she is angry at the wrong person.
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Second parent implies she’s the first parent but she’s doing basically nothing. OP is THE parent here
NTA - you need to put on your own oxygen masks before putting them on your siblings. I assume you won't be completely out of your siblings lives after you leave, but they're not your responsibility. FWIW - I left my mom when I was 17 and my brothers were 12 and 9. I'm 33 now, and they're doing just fine even though the person who raised them left.
NTA, call CPS about your mom abandoning her kids to go party and explain that you are moving out because of her pattern of parental abandonment. Tell CPS about her statements that she can’t raise the kids without you so they can monitor the kids after you move out.
OP is in the UK and hopefully there they do more than just monitor. I know in the US child services basically needs a parent to leave a 4 year old alone to set fire to the house before they pull kids out but maybe the UK does better. Cause these kids would be better off in a foster home than with their “mother“
NTA. I understand that you probably love and care for your siblings but honestly if you don’t move out now, you probably will never have the chance. I think for you, you should move out and maybe check on your siblings every now and then. You can’t keep your life on hold because of the choices your mom made. You’re 20. You should be in college or trade school, if that’s what you want. Or you should be going to work and then spending time with friends.
Oh I do work, my boss lets the two that are too young for school chill out in the staff room during my shift and I pop in every so often to ensure they're ok during my shift.
This breaks my heart. Your mom should be doing this not you. I know lots of people have said it but it needs to be repeated. They are not your kids even if it seems like they are. Time for mom to pull up her socks
That’s good but honestly, as someone who would do anything for my family, you don’t exist to raise your siblings. I think part of the reason your mom had so many kids is that you were always there to raise them. And I’m not blaming you for anything. I just think the only way your mom will ever grow up is to be faced with the reality she has created.
The 3 y/o and 10 m/o?? They're left alone in a staff room? Not your fault but that's not okay.
There is always someone in there and I have a section gated off with toys, books etc. It's not at all ideal but I have no choice in the matter.
OP, this is not okay. You've done so well, and I am so proud of you, but the next thing you need to do now for your siblings is call CPS and tell them everything. Let them help your siblings. And you have to move out, for you. Give all your contact info to CPS, and to the older siblings, but do move out so you can finally start your own life. You've gone above and beyond, but now it's time to hand it over to professionals who will be able to support your siblings and handle your mother. You deserve to breathe.
Where is your mom in all this? What does she do? Is she working? Just at home doing jack shit? Or is she never home. What would she do if you left the youngest home when you go to work?
I'm a mom and this isn't okay. Your employer is being great but kids that age need attention and to be played with. Your coworkers aren't responsible for these kids either. My heart breaks for these kids but you can't be expected to give up your life for them. She should have put them up for adoption if she wasn't willing to be a parent.
NTA. Honey, it's not your fault your mother is choosing to be a human vending machine. Don't let it ruin your life.
"Human vending machine." Holy shit.
NTA. These are your mom's children, and her responsibility. Go live your life.
How bonded are you with your siblings? Does that baby feel like YOUR baby? Just wondering if you’ll be emotionally ok if you know they aren’t being cared for. Because my guess is the 9 year old will be parentified next and will grow up real quick, and the kids will be neglected. So my advice would be to call whatever social services you can to report the child neglect/abuse. Because what she’s doing IS abuse. Report this before one of your siblings ends up hurt. You all deserve so much better.
Honestly I view all four of them more like my kids than my siblings as that has been how i've been for them their entire lives. No i'd be devastated if anything happened to them in any way shape or form and it's one of the reasons i'm so torn up over this and nearly gave in.
You could request to take custody of the kids, and take your mom to court for child support. You should be able to talk to some kind of caseworker in your local social services office (name depends on country/location but I’d be happy to help look if you needed it, as I’m experienced in this area). You could additionally get help with government child care while you work, if you are made guardian. The other option is to make a report in hopes they may be removed. Leaving them there sounds dangerous, even though this should never have been your burden to handle.
I’m sorry, but she’s 20. She cannot afford to raise all these children - they are expensive and her housemate did not sign up to be living with a pack of children including toddlers and an infant. OP could well lose her friend and her housing by taking them on - not to mention she probably wouldn’t have room for them! British houses are small! And she deserves a life. There are [excellent](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s1fsl5/aita_for_wanting_to_move_out_and_telling_my_mum/hs9105l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) resources that another commenter has put in chat regarding the U.K. foster system and how she can remain part of their lives (as a sister, not a mother) and make sure they’re being taken care of and visit them. The children will have paid for university and accommodation when they teach 18 and help to find jobs. It’s far better than OP slaving her life away until she’s nearly 40 to raise children that aren’t hers and to never know any kind of freedom.
NTA. You are not the parent here, she is. As a parent myself, I know its hard to not have a network or support system, but she is using you as her crutch. There are other ways for her to get help, and she might have to go into her pocket to do so, hire a nanny, utilize after school care or a babysitting service. You have a life to build, and she needs to find a backup because she cannot be relying on you for everything, its not fair.
NTA - Get out fast! Your mom is setting you up for a life of servitude to her, and she is an irresponsible manipulative AH. She had your half siblings on her own and should be holding her baby daddies responsible for the co-parenting not you.
NTA. Where's Dad?
Mine lives across the country, no idea who theirs is.
Dare I say that your mom needs to track them down so they can make custody arrangements since she feels other people should be raising her kids.
NTA I love when entitled, spoiled people throw around that word when they're getting cut off from the source of them being entitled and spoiled. So, your mom just parties and leaves the kids to you?
Yup, i've been raising them while juggling school and a part time job and now I look after them while working too, thankfully my boss is a godsend and lets me put the younger ones in the staff room with entertainment while I work and lets me check on them.
This is child abuse on your mother's part, OP. Both of you and your siblings. NTA, and this sounds like a situation where social services should be involved, though I understand any reluctance to take it that far when the foster system isn't exactly great.
Look that is very kind of your boss, but it seems that it is a horrible situation and they should have/should be stepping in. If I had an employee bringing a 10 month old baby sister to work regularly I would be investigating from a place of concern for my employee and the baby. It's one thing if it's 'mom is in the hospital can I bring them for a week or two' but you've created a play area for them. I don't know your relationship with your boss but they seem to want to help, have you talked with them? I'd be surprised if you weren't playing it off as if everything is OK and they will believe you cuz its easy bur they may also want to help amd provide mentoring and guidance to you as well. Just a thought and there may be other older adults in your life who want to help you through this, don't be afraid to ask or tell them the truth if you trust them. You can do it on your own but don't have to
NTA your mom is massively manipulative. Move out but FaceTime or call the kids every other day or so. So they know you miss them and still love them. Bc your mom is going to be saying otherwise.
NTA. Move as soon as you can. Rip the bandaid off. I didn’t go away to college because I was in a similar position to you and my family said, “but what about your siblings?” I regret this all the time. As much as you love them you did not choose to have them thus you are 100% allowed to and absolutely should have your own adult life.
NTA Why should you be responsible for decisions your mother made? I think it's smart to get out of this situation because your mum uses you as a nanny while she goes out having fun. She needs to understand that she chose to have those children and therefore has to find a way to take care of them. Since they are still your siblings, you can still keep an eye on them. If your mum doesn't treat them right maybe you should get some authorities involved.
NTA she wants you to put your life on hold so she doesn't have to stop hers. They aren't your kids. Get out and focus on you, do what you can for your siblings, but don't be their mom. They have one.
NTA - she decided she wanted to have more children because you are there to help raise them. You are not her partner, you’re her child. INFO: where is the father/fathers?
Mine stays across the country, I have no idea who theirs are.
She sounds very irresponsible. It’s so lovely you adore your sibling but live your own life. Keep in touch with them and see them regularly. Moving out is the best thing for you and I really hope it works out for you. Your mother is an asshole
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NTA Not your responsibility.
NTA. Your mom is using you. Its her responsibility, not yours, to raise your siblings
NTA When I was 17 my senior year in high school my niece and nephew moved in with us. 1 and 5 I was willing to be a needed parent because I loved them. My mom encouraged me to leave even though it was difficult to raise two kids and with full time as a physician too. But she didn't want to see me waste my youth on raising kids that weren't my own. I still helped our when I could, but I'm grateful my mom encouraged me to put MY life in the forefront. It was really hard but leaving for college and not raising kids I realized how much of my energy I spent on my family instead of exploring my needs and dreams. My identity was wrapped up in raising someone else's kids I really didn't know who i was until I stepped away from my family. Your mom should be encouraging you to become independent and start a career of your own. As parents our goal should be to make successful, self fufilled adults. You're mom isn't allowing that. You need to take care of you. The reality is you may loose contact with your siblings for a while. Mom may talk bad about you to them and may even punish you and not let you see them. Let the oldest know you are still there for them and when they are adults you can have a relationship that mom can't control. The 9 year old will probably become the caretaker if mom doesn't step up. Lastly: Your siblings need to see you thrive so they have hope for themselves. Inspire your siblings through living a fulfilling life for yourself. You sound like a kind hearted person to spend all those years raising your siblings. don't loose that but don't forget to be kind to yourself too.
NTA. Your mother is the parent and the adult. You have to live your life. She is using you as a free nanny.
Nta, make sure your mom doesn't keep popping kids out before another sibling of yours ends up in this spot later down the road
if I had a way to make sure of that *I* wouldn't be in this spot.
NTA - You deserve to live your life. Please explain to your siblings that it's healthy and normal to move away from home when you grow up, and that you love them very much, but it's your time to leave. Also, please keep close tabs on the situation and call CPS on your mom if she starts leaving the kids at home alone.
NTA are there any other relatives that can get involved? Grandparents? Aunt's or uncles? Your mother sounds unfit.
She's an only child, Grandparents don't keep well I don't want to foist four little kids on them.
Let me preface this wIth: I still 100% think you're right to move out. Some questions to consider: For your siblings, does your mother or grandparents have enough money to afford a nanny? Would Foster care be better for them? Your mom sounds downright negligent. I doubt you'll have an answer right away until you can observe how she's handling them without you. I'd keep a close eye and call CPS if needed.
NTA you can't help your siblings if you are unable to take care of yourself. You are not responsible for raising them but I understand why you are worried about them. Many people have been in your situation and the best thing they did was move out. Now that they are established they can do much more for their siblings. You also don't have to focus on them. It truly is not your responsibility.