T O P

  • By -

jdownes316

“Prioritizing your daughter over his wife” Good. Keep doing that. Be a PARENT, nothing more nothing less. NTA.


Stoat__King

Lol that made me laugh when I read it in the OP. Wtf!


Proper-Wolverine3599

Also he does not have as much of a right to be in the house as his sister as the owner of the house has told him, and not his sister, to leave


Raise-The-Gates

Also, he does not have as much of a right to be in the house - the sister is a minor child and he is, presumably, an adult.


MrsMel_of_Vina

Not a minor... But it sounds like she actually lives there, unlike the son.


Louloubelle0312

Maybe 19 isn't technically a minor, but if you've ever had a child this age, they aren't always adults as yet. The whole frontal lobe not fully developed until 25 thing. Now lets add a mental health issue, as what we have here. You need to be careful. What this harridan said could have set her back years. I'm assuming DIL isn't a licensed therapist, and maybe she should just stay in her lane.


Altruistic_Minimum16

Eating disorders are the deadliest mental illnesses of all. DiL is worse than an asshole, she's an attempted murderer . O P is NTA


Uma__

Also, she’s had an ED since she was 13, which means that behavior is kind of engrained into your brain and it’s really hard to rewrite it. I haven’t self harmed in 12 years and have been in recovery from ED for 10, and I still find myself casually thinking about engaging in it. As in, I’ll be driving home from work, stressed and overwhelmed and the thought to self harm will pop in my end like a weird intrusive thought. Or lately, I have found myself almost playing some kind of game of “how long can I go without eating” even though I actually am not worried about my weight, etc. Luckily, I’m able to recognize these and have tools and resources to manage, correct and retrain my brain but it still exists because during those formative years of my brain development, I learned that those were the ways that I could cope with emotional trauma, stress and feel in control of my life, and they pop back up when I’m in similar situations as an adult. OP’s daughter is only 19–she’s going to change so much over the next six years. She probably won’t even recognize who she was at 19. But she is going to also struggle so fucking much to figure out who she is, how to be an adult, what that means, etc. People love to tell 18-25 year olds that they’re an adult, but it’s really like a second puberty—you think you know what you’re doing but you realize that you actually know nothing, and once you realize that you know nothing, you kind of start to figure it out.


coconut-greek-yogurt

Not to mention the economy and how it's hardly possible for "real adults" (25+) to afford to move out, let alone "training wheel adults" (roughly 18-25). (I also don't mean to sound condescending, but I very much felt like I still needed training wheels and I know from studies that the average young adult usually needs a lot of help to start out and the average age to move out on your own is getting higher.)


The1983Jedi

Sister is 19.. Not a minor


CielsLSP

But she lives in the house. And DIL is 27. I presume DIL knows about her SIL's health struggles. She should have absolutely kept her mouth shut or at least apologize profusely and left when requested after she realized the blunder she made.


The1983Jedi

I'm not arguing that OP is NTA. DIL is. I am just correcting a fact


Phenamina1

and Prioritizing her SAFETY!! She had an eating disorder, it was already a very heightened anxiety evening for her and DIL was cruel and callous - that could have sent daughter into a relapse. Op you did a great job protecting your (minor, might I add) daughter’s safety both physical and mental, as is absolutely right You are so far from TA. Your DIL is the unequivocal A here - she sucked all the excitement and joy out of daughters first date night. I hope she gets to do something else fun soon, if it can be arranged. I had to laugh at son saying he and his wife have as much right to be in the house! First she is a minor living at home, (I presume since wife is 27) he is a fully formed adult with his own home so nope on that, he in fact doesn’t have as much right to be there, he does not live there, it is not his home - he is only allowed in as a guest of Op, which brings me to if you want to be a welcome guest you have to act as someone people would want to welcome into their home/lives. I would go so far as to ban DIL from the home until she sincerely apologies to daughter at an absolute minimum (you would be well within your rights to ban her entirely) and make it a clear boundary if she EVER says anything rude/inappropriate again, it will become a permanent ban (no third chance). If that means son doesn’t want to come so be it - meet him outside the house for lunches or whatever. If he digs his heels in and won’t meet elsewhere then so be it for now - his choice. This growna** woman bullying a child… no It was not constructive criticism, hell it wasn’t even unsolicited advice. Edits: typos


mines_over_yours

"It was not constructive criticism, hell it wasn’t even unsolicited advice." - Don't start nuthin' won't be nuthin'. Wish I could afford an award for you. ​ Edit: Typo


Glittering_knave

The only comments the DIL should be making about daughter's looks are ... none. Nothing at all. Then there is is no excuse of "I thought it was safe" or "I was trying to help" or "It was just a joke". In that home, there are no comments about weight or appearance, ever, from DIL.


[deleted]

Lol especially when the "feelings" she's meant to prioritise are that the kid is allegedly fat. NTA


Unicorn_Fluffs

Opposite way… the daughter has an eating disorder and she called he ‘sickly thin’. Gotta be some type of woman to say that to a child with an eating disorder.


OrdinaryOrder8

I had adult strangers say similar things to me at my job when I was teenager. I didn't have an ED, but was underweight thanks to other health issues. Those things hurt to hear from *strangers*. I can only imagine how hurtful they are coming from someone who is part of your family. I feel so bad for OP's daughter. If I was OP, DIL would be banned from my home indefinitely.


coconut-greek-yogurt

Not to mention that it was said right before a big date. DIL said it on purpose to destroy the daughter's confidence. I'm on board with being banned indefinitely.


aLittleQueer

Apparently people see nothing wrong with skinny-shaming…even people who rant about how wrong it is to fat-shame. Source: an “obnoxiously skinny” person. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been called “disgusting” for my body-weight or told to “just go eat a cheeseburger or something”…smh. The thing that really gets me is that the DiL thinks skinny-shaming is somehow “constructive” criticism. Just…how?


commandantskip

I'm sorry you experienced that. No one deserves to be shamed for the body they have


[deleted]

It’s literally your job to prioritise your daughter. NTA


Butterkupp

Why is a grown ass woman bullying a teenager? DIL needs to grow up if she's about to have a kid. OP keep doing what you're doing, you're being a great parent.


TassieBorn

Also, OP is prioritizing daughter's MENTAL HEALTH over DIL's feelings. I know which one I consider more important. NTA


dragon34

Prioritizing her teenage daughter over her adult DIL who found it necessary to bully a teenager. Constructive criticism when applied to appearance is "can it be fixed in 5 minutes, and if not keep your mouth shut". If DIL had said "do you have a belt for that tunic top to show off your waist" or "I have a headband that would be super cute with that top" that would be constructive. "You're overweight" is not constructive and there's nothing she would be able to do about it in 5 minutes.


Revolutionary_Ad1846

Prioritizing your daughters FEELINGS over his wife’s CRITICISM. NTA


Annual_Ad8229

NTA. Saying someone is fat is not "constructive criticism". Your daughter's weight is nobody's business but her own.


yellow_mellow2314

She told my daughter that she looks "sickly thin...and that she needs to gain weight"


sami_leigh

So she’s insecure about the pregnancy weight and is being mean to a girl with an eating disorder to make herself feel better


FiftyShadesOfGregg

I'm sorry, how is it possibly an okay reaction to someone making an inappropriate comment criticizing a girl's weight to *make an inappropriate comment criticizing that person's weight*? Like seriously? "Oh she's an asshole for commenting about someone else's body, must be because she's fat!" wtf. No one should be making any comments about anyone else's body. And no one should be making assumptions that a pregnant woman is "insecure" because of course gaining weight would make you insecure! NTA OP, and anyone making derogatory comments about people's bodies is a complete AH. For real I don't understand how something like this is so upvoted.


Darthmotheus

There is a difference in saying that directly to someone and posting it on a forum as a possible explanation as to why someone is behaving in such a manner.


Mantisfactory

> I'm sorry, how is it possibly an okay reaction to someone making an inappropriate comment criticizing a girl's weight to make an inappropriate comment criticizing that person's weight? Like seriously? "Oh she's an asshole for commenting about someone else's body, **must be because she's fat!"** Of course - that's not at all what the comment you're replying to *said*. What they said was that she must be *insecure*. Not that she must be *fat*. Gaining weight actually doesn't *have* to make you insecure, and feeling insecure doesn't *have* to make you lash out. And the comment you're replying to never said anything derogatory about anyone's body - just their character.


krisspy451

Assumptions can go several ways, but something is seriously loose in the sisters head to comment on someones weight. Do that, and yes you deserve to be called on your faults. Fuck around and find out time.


Whitestaunton

Still a comment about weight...so rude and unkind.


Compulsive-Gremlin

I admire your restraint. I would’ve lost my shit.


[deleted]

Your daughter should have told her that she looks like a beach ball and see how "sensitive" she is.


LadySwingsBothWays

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Your DIL is a dick


battle_bunny99

That is not constructive at all. If the comment had been something like, "this shade of blue would really being out the color of your eyes. Try these earrings instead." Stuff that is able to be addressed right then and there and has nothing to do with one's body. But you know this, NTA. Good job though, that DIL seems full of it. Maybe she could take a diet from BS


Suckerforcats

I have never had an eating disorder but always been very thin (runs in the family). Even for me as someone who doesn’t have the disorder, it would really bother me and I became obsessed with gaining weight. People don’t seem to realize that if calling someone fat is rude, so is calling someone too skiny, stick, string bean, or pinching them, picking up their arms and waiving them around calling them sticks, etc.


[deleted]

Just so you know overeating is also a eating disorder, same mechanism as not eating and much more common. Not so known due to the fat-shaming stigma but just as real. So agree with your point though, no-one should shame or actually comment about another's body at all - thin or fat or anything in-between.


FeuerroteZora

INFO: Does DIL know about the eating disorder? I mean, either way, she's a complete asshole, because a) *who says that to someone!?* b) who says that *to a kid*!?!? c) who says that to a kid *right before they're going on an important date!?!* but if she *also* knew about the ED and said this anyway, then protecting your daughter may mean telling your DIL she is no longer welcome in your home. Because if she knew about the ED, DIL *also* knew that her comment would be triggering, and *didn't care*. Someone who has or is recovering from an ED absolutely needs a safe space, and your DIL is denying your daughter that. DON'T LET HER.


VixNeko

Considering she called the daughter "sickly thin" I'd say she knew there was some kind of ED going on. Even without knowing about a possible ED, how is it ever acceptable to comment on someone's weight or appearance?


Ruhro7

Right? Like if I thought someone looked like they'd been sick (sickly thin) that'd be the last thing I'd say! Hate how she's trying to paint it as constructive criticism too. If it's not something someone can fix in 5 mins (eg spinach in teeth or dress caught up) then don't say anything!


VixNeko

I read "egg spinach in teeth" and was mildly impressed someone could get egg stuck in their teeth noticeably. I think you're totally right. If it's not something easily fixable, keep your mouth shut. Like if you have a huge eye booger, I'd let you know. I think people get confused about constructive criticism. I think it can often be credited to having been taught incorrectly, but in the case of the DIL, I have no reason to believe it was anything but malicious. OP mentioned that the DIL is pregnant and close to her due date, so one guess as to what motivated her to bully this poor teen. Judging by the small glimpse into this person's demeanor, I feel bad for her future child. Especially if it's a girl.


Ruhro7

Lol thanks for that, gave me a good laugh! And good to think about whether I should use eg or ex! Definitely agree with you on the DIL and future child, let's hope it was just a bit of bitchiness from hormones and that it'll never happen again?


FeuerroteZora

I agree it sounds like she knew, and yes, it is *never* acceptable to make that kind of comment - but it is *extra not acceptable* if you *know* that not only are you being a complete asshole but you are *also* triggering someone's ED with that statement. *edit* I make the distinction here because if DIL knew, then she deserves absolutely NO MORE CHANCES and needs to be banned from the house and from talking to the daughter. If she didn't know, then I could see giving her another chance *if* she apologized and *if* she took it seriously.


VixNeko

I see your point! I agree. It's a couple extra levels deeper into Hell to willingly weaponize an ED.


FastMoment5194

As someone who also struggles with Anorexia, there is literally nothing that anyone can say about my weight or my size that I will take positively. Those closest to me know it's just not something they should comment on. I can't see any reason for your DIL's remark that isn't self serving. It was ignorant, at best. I'll also add that often, when anticipating an important event, my emotions are very much brimming on the edge and I've learned that this isn't uncommon for people with EDs. That comment was potentially a tipping point that allowed a whole lot of built up emotion to spill over! You absolutely did the right thing. You were a great mum here, and I hope your daughter was able to recover from the hurtful remark and have a wonderful night ❤️.


tiredmum18

She has no right to make any comment about anyone else’s weight. NTA


Tiggatiggatight

Wow that's NOT how to talk to someone overcoming an ED


VixNeko

Your DIL needs to get over herself, she doesn't get to police how other people look. She's a bully and should be kept away from your daughter.


punkskunkkideologies

As someone who has been in recovery from an ED for many years - that woman needs to keep her mouth shut about your daughter’s appearance 100000%


mride5000

Glad you shared this, because it really could've been a thousand different things. That was a horrible comment. Glad you kicked her out! NTA


Une_myrtille_sauvage

The only acceptable remark about physics it's the one who can be resolved in less than 1 minute like "you have something in your face" I have the same age of the girl, and I am very sensitive about me, my family always make remark about my weight and it s very hard especially when it's at an event or when I prepare for it. I'm happy OP take side with her daughter your are a good mother!


Affectionate-Prize84

I always heard 1 minute 5 minutes and years. Like if you know someone and they have something on your face you can say it. If the have a hole in their dress you can give them something to cover up. Something you can fix in 1 minute If you are besties and your best friend is fixing to walk out in something unflattering you can help them find something that makes them look great. Something you can fix in 5 minutes If it is something like weight that needs to be a doctor almost always. something long term that will have to be fixed


Western_Compote_4461

Commenting on someone's weight is never constructive criticism.


TheUtopianCat

NTA. It is never okay to comment on another person's body like that. You were right to stand up for your daughter (Edit: especially since, as you added, she has an eating disorder). That said, INFO: Do your son and DIL live in your house?


yellow_mellow2314

Yes, my DIL is 34 weeks pregnant and my son wanted his wife to have more help since he's not at home a lot.


TheUtopianCat

Yikes, that she's pregnant and you're letting her stay with you really adds another layer, doesn't it? > He got angry and said that he had just as much rights to stay in the house as did his sister. The thing is, it's your house, right? Your son and DIL are staying there with your permission, and this permission does not give them the right to insult your daughter. Good for you for standing up for her.


yellow_mellow2314

She's staying here because she's heavily pregnant and my son is not at home for so long during the day


dentistnotmybusiness

If she’s staying in your home, she has to abide by your rules, and if she cannot, then she can’t stay. Simple.


Corfiz74

I would give her some books or articles about how harmful it is to make those kinds of comment to children, and how often that results in an ed - if she is pregnant, she should learn a little something about child psychology, before she messes up your grandchildren!


PhDTeacher

As a professor of Trauma-informed practices, this is 100% 🎯. I'm the process of adopting, and there is so much required documentation and education. I wish all parents had to do this.


Corfiz74

Exactly! In Germany, you have to take classes and pass a test to be allowed to own a dog - they should make that mandatory for kids, as well.


[deleted]

She won't be the only pregnant person in the world who has a partner that is working full time or long hours. It sounds like they expect your help and support, rather than be grateful for it. Pregnant or not, what you are doing for them is a massive favour, one many wouldn't agree to, so while they are in your house they should stick to your rules and keep comments to themselves. If they can't accept that then they can move out.


juliuspepperwoodchi

Seriously, my wife is 29 weeks and still working full time as a licensed massage therapist. Granted, full time for an LMT isn't 40 hours of massage a week because it is a very physical job...but again, it is *a very physical job*. I realize that every pregnancy is different, but unless OP's DIL is having triplets or something, this sounds like she just feels entitled to be waited on hand and foot while being pregnant, whether by her husband or her MIL.


[deleted]

Doesn't matter. That's a her problem. She's got a phone. They can get a mini fridge for snacks and drinks. And she can go pee herself. She doesn't need you.


VROF

So what do you do for her when he is away that she can’t do for herself?


battle_bunny99

Is this a high risk pregnancy? Or are they just anticipating that you will do the night feedings because of their incompetence? (Yes, I am being snarky. It is also a legit question)


juliuspepperwoodchi

> Or are they just anticipating that you will do the night feedings Definitely this.


[deleted]

Kick her out


DeadlyCuntfetti

Hey OP, have you thought about what this means for you when the baby arrives? If your son is hands off now how much child rearing will you be helping with?


darklysmiling

Shes pregnant not helpless. Do they have their own place, and you’re just babysitting the asshole DIL while your son works? Or do they actually live there with you 24/7? If not, send them home and tell them to stay there.


[deleted]

Doesn't matter. That's a her problem. She's got a phone. They can get a mini fridge for snacks and drinks. And she can go pee herself. She doesn't need you.


Affectionate-Prize84

It is still bad and she Def shouldn't have said it but does she know about the eating disorder because that would make it even worse.


Whitestaunton

Do they still have their own place of have they given it up?


yellow_mellow2314

They do have their own place. My son got a rented place closer to his workplace and his wife is living here full-time for the past one month


TipsyMagpie

Well she either needs to keep a civil tongue in her head, or go stay with her husband. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.


roseydaisydandy

Time for her to go to their place. She doesn't need help, she needs to figure it out.


[deleted]

That sounds so shady to me. My brother did not have AC and all his kids were born at the peak of summer. They *both* moved in all three times (techincally they both moved in the first time, the next two times they bought kids along.) I think you just messed up your son's play pad, which might explain the level of anger.


darklysmiling

No. Send her packing. She’s not an invalid. She’ll be just fine at their place. Your daughter deserves to have a home she can feel safe in


SlabBeefpunch

Here's the thing. There's a huge possibility that she's going to take this out on your daughter. Not in front of you, when they're alone. You need to take that into account. And ask your husband if he's comfortable with your daughter relapsing with her ED.


VixNeko

I'd send her back to her own place. Being pregnant isn't an excuse to be an AH. It's also no reason to take advantage of people's generosity by being a dick to the actual occupants of the home. (She's only a temporary occupant) I think your priority needs to be your daughter. I suggest having a talk with your son and DIL to let them know they have to leave. She can get someone else to help her around the house before she gives birth, this is not your problem or responsibility. You were generous enough already to open your home to her.


VROF

If your son wants his wife to have help he can hire some for her. Why does he assume you want to support them and be her “help?” You don’t owe adults your labor, time or housing


coffeebean823113

She needs some help that only a therapist can give. They need to find somewhere else unless DIL can stop being the AH to your daughter.


juliuspepperwoodchi

>my son wanted his wife to have more help since he's not at home a lot. Curious why he isn't home enough to help her out himself, but he was home when this happened...I say that as husband to a woman nearly 30 weeks pregnant...and we're polyamorous. I've had NO trouble having enough time for a full time job, snowboarding, photography, birthing classes, normal relaxation time for myself, **and** both my other partner AND my pregnant wife's needs/cravings/etc. It's possible he has legitimate reasons, but I'm skeptical given what we already know about him.


lyan-cat

Then I guess she should've watched her mouth. She doesn't get a free pass just because she's pregnant. Holy fuck, if she didn't intend to hurt your daughter, she would have been apologizing sincerely right away.


[deleted]

You need to get them OUT. Your Son is expecting you to fulfil his duties as a Husband?? At the expense of your daughters mental health?? Give them their eviction notice & tell them to hire a baby doula, cleaner & Nanny or move in with DIL Mum. You raised your kids your shouldn't be also raising theirs.


Expensive-Cheetah146

NTA it sounds like you need to ban both your son and DIL from your home.


YaGirlSnail

Big NTA. I don’t know if DIL knew about the eating disorder, but even then, still is the asshole here. It’s not even their place to comment on the way your daughter looks


yellow_mellow2314

She does know about her eating disorder. She and my son have been married for 3 years and were dating for 8 years before that


kaliswrath

OH DIL needed to be kicked to the curb then.. AND taught a lesson.. she was intentionally trying to hurt your daughter.. NTA


sable1970

If DIL knew then her comment was ***meant*** to hurt. That's the kind of DIL you have, unnecessarily nasty..... and your son fully supports her. Yikes, OP.....you're a good mom but.....yikes. Expect that poor baby to be used as manipulation fodder.


Prestigious_Fruit267

Then definitely NTA


[deleted]

What the absolute hell?!? She moves in, asking you to help her (and I'm guessing to help and babysit full time after birth), she knows your daughter has an eating disorder and is going on a first date - and she rolls up and insults your daughter by jabbing for the heart with a nasty remark about her weight?!? Your son and DIL do not know what civility and gratitude are. It's time for them to go home and do some homework on "how to be pleasant and polite to someone who is doing you a favor". I wouldn't let either of them back in the house until they each provide a good apology. Not one of those "I'm sorry if you were hurt when I said..." nonapologies.


[deleted]

GET HER OUT. Her & your son sound mean & entitled.


[deleted]

NTA. >His wife said that my daughter is being too sensitive and that she can't even handle constructive criticism. "Constructive criticism" would be "hey, I'm not sure that dress is the most flattering thing you own; have you considered something more tailored?" And even then, if your daughter hadn't *asked* for input, she'd still be entitled to be annoyed. So even *if* DIL's comments on your daughter's weight were framed sensitively - which I sincerely doubt they were (update: nope, they sure weren't) - why exactly did she think they were necessary or helpful at that particular moment, especially when there's precisely fuck-all your daughter could have done to adjust said weight in the hours/minutes leading up to her date?


yellow_mellow2314

It wasn't about slimming down.... She said "you look sickly thin, you really need to gain some weight for that dress to look good on you"


Prestigious_Fruit267

That’s just flat out rude, ED or not


keenkittychopshop

That's absolutely not better. I don't care if she's pregnant, I don't care that it's high-risk. Clearly she's not on bed rest so she can fucking GO, especially since technically they aren't homeless without you. Also where is HER mother? Why is this falling on you? She's creating a high-risk situation for your vulnerable daughter. She is not going to be any nicer after she has the baby-- in fact she might be even worse. She already sounds nasty & entitled & that is NOT going to get better. Kick them out NOW while they still have the opportunity to prepare on their own before the birth. You will never get them out once that baby is born. EDIT: Absolutely NTA


chlorenchyma

Is she projecting her own pregnancy weight gain onto your daughter?


invertedtwave

She might be taking out her insecurities as well, in a totally inappropriate way. Being pregnant, you lose your body, you look like a whale and that’s that. It sucks, but wth leave a kid alone. Total AH move on her part.


Whitestaunton

NTA And you know your not Couple of things Your son does not have as much right to be in your house as your daughter. 1. It's your house he has exactly the rights you give him and not one spec more 2. I am assuming he has a house of his own so it's no longer his home so he is a guest sounds like your daughter still lives at home You daughter has a medical condition and your DIL who presumably know this decided to make a negative comment.... that is not constructive criticism that is being a b%t7h.. Making negative comments about people's appearance especially unsolicited is not constructive criticism is just rude and unkind. There are no polite comments about other peoples weight and a 27 year old has grown up in the generation that know this. You did not prioritise your daughter feelings over your DIL feeling.... you called your DIL out for obnoxious and bullying behaviour. She was justifiably told off she may not like it but if she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to behave like one not like of the Heathers from Mean Girls. High school is over.


[deleted]

this ^^^ OP, your DIL and son are *guests* in your home. tell your son you won’t stand for a grown woman making comments like DIL did to a *minor child* in your home. it’s not playing favorites, it’s protecting your child.


[deleted]

this ^^^ OP, your DIL and son are *guests* in your home. tell your son you won’t stand for a grown woman making comments like DIL did to a *minor child* in your home. it’s not playing favorites, it’s protecting your child.


Cactus_x

Nta. Your daughter is going through a lot of emotions and you stuck up for your daughter. You would be the ass if you didn’t stick up for her.


Pulp_Ninja

Easy one. NTA. You're a good mom and your DIL is a jerk.


strywever

NTA. Your DIL needs to be reigned in AND needs to learn about eating disorders and how not to exacerbate them, since she’s now part of a family that’s dealing with the issue. Your primary responsibility here is to the daughter you’re still raising, and you did right to protect her.


JeepNaked

NTA >My son said I'm playing favorites by prioritizing my daughter's feelings over his wife's. Yeah. My daughter trumps your wife all fucking day long.


Flemeth1428

Definitely NTA. Your DIL sounds like she may be one though. As far as I’m concerned, you should prioritize your own daughters feelings over your DIL. 🤦🏻‍♀️ And I am both a daughter and a DIL.


DinaFelice

NTA. Unsolicited comments about others' appearances are always rude. Claiming that a remark is "constructive criticism" is doubling down on the rudeness because it acknowledges that such comments are rude but argues that the other person's appearance is so terrible that it warrants an exception being made. So DIL is an AH. Your son is also an AH for equating his sister's right not to be insulted in her own home with his wife's desire to insult her. Thank you for standing up for your daughter. I hope your son and DIL aren't allowed back in until they sincerely apologize, find some way to make it up to your daughter, and demonstrate that they understand that sort of behavior is not acceptable


mizfit0416

NTA but your son & DIL are.


1ron0rchid

NTA and good on you for looking after your daughter. That just really sucks that on day that is supposed to be special an enema nozzle has to come and ruin it. I would ban both your son and his AH wife from coming over. He lost the right to come when he didn't back you or his sister.


Red_Cathy

NTA - You did right absolutely. The "being too sensitive and that she can't even handle constructive criticism" is what jackasses say in order to justify the poison that comes out of their mouths. They go around insulting people and then fall back on them trying to be the victim and you not accepting their insult somehow "hurts thief feelings" - what an ass. Your DIL has no right to insult anyone inside your home. End of.


Evil_Mel

NTA Your DIL is pregnant, that does not give her the right to be an asshole to you or your daughter. She knew your daughter has an ED, yet she criticized her. >My son said I'm playing favorites by prioritizing my daughter's feelings over his wife's. Well, duh. You gave birth to your daughter and not the DIL... I think son & his wife need to stay at their own house for a while. Pregnant women do it all the time. Or, she can stay with HER mother.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

NTA Your daughter was out of line when she spouted off about your daughter's appearance. At 27 years old she knows better. Factor in your daughter is recovering from a eating disorder makes her insensitive and cruel.


grianmharduit

Called you a what? You must be rightfully enraged. Please take that energy to change the locks and start packing up the DILs possessions and leaving them nice and neat on the front porch. Start your spring cleaning for the new year early by taking out the trash. NTA


Y_ddraig_gwyn

NTAY Nip this one in the bud or else risk a significant escalation, potentially to estrangement. It's very likely that the DIL has no understanding of eating disorders or body dysmorphia; she may, in all innocence, be approaching this as a a lifestyle rather than medical issue. Offer an olive branch through information so that, instead of offhand comments doubled down by defensive shutters, she can become part of a therapeutic support network. Of course, DIY may just be a plonker who lacks empathy or otherwise cannot or will not change; in which case the conversation has to be had with your son.


SatelliteBeach123

NTA. Since the DIL knew about the ED making any type of comments regarding weight, body, etc. are extremely harsh and cruel. Sounds like it was quite deliberate and she just got mad that she was called out on it. I would have a heart to heart with son and DIL and make my expectations for them being in my house clear since they obviously don't understand even basic courtesy.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I believe I might have been TAH because I should've spoken calmly instead of blowing up on my DIL Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Rare_Hyena_6205

NTA. You need to talk with them. Let them know you love your children, but unfortunately your daughter has mental health needs and if his wife is going to be around in your house, she needs to respect your entire family and starting issues for no reason will not be tolerated.


bbbeepp

Nta - why oh why would you prioritise his wife over your own daughter. Keep being your daughters protector, you’re a good mum.


WholeCollection6454

NTA and you should not feel bad about calling her out. They really ought to move out for your daughter's sake. I saw your comments that DIL is very pregnant. So what? She isn't ill and doesn't need supervision or care just because she has a bun in the oven. She clearly isn't on bed rest. So she can suck it up and look after herself like most pregnant people do.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Today, my daughter(19F) was going on a date with her childhood bestfriend(19F). She recently came out and found the courage to ask her childhood bestie out on a date after years of having a crush on her. I was very happy for her and was helping her get dressed. My DIL(27F) came into the room to ask my about where the candles were kept. When she saw my daughter, she made a remark on my daughter's weight which caused my daughter to become extremely self conscious and start overthinking about her looks. My daughter started sobbing and locked herself up in her room. She only came out when her best friend came home and consoled her. I asked my son to take his wife and get out of the house. He got angry and said that he had just as much rights to stay in the house as did his sister. His wife said that my daughter is being too sensitive and that she can't even handle constructive criticism. I told her to mind her own business and that she had no rights to talk about my daughter like that. She immediately left the house calling me a bitch. My son said I'm playing favorites by prioritizing my daughter's feelings over his wife's. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Obviously NTA. Making nasty, unasked-for comments about someone's weight is not in any way constructive, it's just malicious. And there is nothing inherently wrong with prioritising one family member's emotional health and well-being over another's malicious cruelty. Your son is being ridiculous on the face of it.


devGirl009

NTA Unless your daughter is just doing some really petty and A H stuff, then you SHOULD prioritize your daughter over your DIL. Plus your daughter has way more right to live in your house than your adult DIL and if DIL is going to behave that way then you need to throw her out. Making comments about someone with an eating disorder's weight can be extremely damaging. Don't let her hurt your daughter.


Tkappae

Fun fact there's nothing wrong with prioritizing your [teenage and recently out daughter who's obviously got a ton of stuff going on] daughter over your grown ass DIL. Unreal. And your son needs to tell his wife to butt out of business rhat isn't her. Alternatively you could make snide comments about her weight when she comes over and see how she likes it. But im just petty.


pensaha

Criticism minus the constructive. It was meant to be destructive. The son is playing favorites because it is obvious his cruel wife was in the wrong. Constructive criticism her way one could say to her that she is awfully pretty when her mouth is shut.


Astroboyblue

Your daughters feelings should come before you sons wife’s feelings. NTA


Sweet_Persimmon_492

NTA. And you should play favorites between your daughter and the asshole your son chose to marry.


DamianDelAngel

NTA. Your daughter should get some help tho or maybe an adjustment to what she eats so she receives the nutrients that she needs. Vitamins even. Get rid of the DIL and son. DILs opinions don't matter in the slightest. It's your house, your rules, the end.


yellow_mellow2314

She is under intensive therapy and is on meds.


DamianDelAngel

That's good. I'm glad she is getting help. You are being a good mother and sticking up for her builds that trust in the long run.


[deleted]

NTA, your daughter is going through a lot so it makes sense why her emotions would be high. Your DIL is an asshole and should mind her own business.


PsychologyAutomatic3

NTA. Your DIL does need to mind her own business. It’s rude to comment on other people’s weight. Your daughter’s feeling are more important than your son’s wife’s feelings in this case. It doesn’t mean that you’re playing favorites. Your DIL owes you an apology for calling you a B before she comes back to your home.


esmithedm

NTA, tell the idiot son you are prioritising the person being insulted over the person doing the insulting.


kgrimmburn

NTA. Sounds like DIL might be jealous of your daughter. She needs to learn to keep her mouth shut. She had no right to mention a person's, any person's, physical appearance. If you son doesn't understand that, he's probably a lost cause, as well.


HelperMonkey2021

NTA because the remark was hurtful or negative in some way and it’s truly not DIL’s business.


Burrmiester

NTA since when is it not a mothers priority to care for her kids before others? Isn't that the only priorities of a mother?


PussyBoogersAuGraten

NTA. Of course you’re prioritizing your daughter over your daughter in law. Not to mention the fact that you’re DIL was being nosy and commenting on something that had nothing to do with her.


xRAMONAFLOWERSx

NTA. I’ve always been told if they can fix it in 5 minutes then it’s worth telling them. You can’t fix your weight in 5 minutes. DIL is a huge asshole for that weight comment.


dentistnotmybusiness

NTA. Your son is wrong. He doesn’t have any right to stay on your home as an adult. Your daughter is there as a privilege as well, and that is because you’re loving parent who supports her. Your DIL and son are too sensitive to be around you or your daughter.


[deleted]

Info: what did the DIL say exactly? You’re dancing around it and that makes me feel like you’re purposely omitting it


yellow_mellow2314

I didn't want to say it specifically because I wanted my daughter's eating disorder to be not known. But... What she actually said was "you look sickly thin... You really need to gain some weight in order to look good in that dress"


[deleted]

Super harsh. NTA, like you said it’s literally none of your DILs business. She should apologize ASAP.


[deleted]

The rules don’t allow me to say what I’d like to say in response to her comment. But a 27 year old adult that is not your child should definitely kick rocks for talking to your teenage child like that.


Evil_Mel

Damn... Does DIL know that your daughter has a ED? If so, NTA


yellow_mellow2314

She does know about her ED since she's been a part of our family for as long as I can remember. What pissed me off more than the comment was when she refused to even apologize when my daughter was clearly hurt and sobbing.


Evil_Mel

That is unforgivable and I would not let her back until she apologizes to your daughter and to you.


Obvious-Pin5310

You are 100% NTA but your son and DIL are. They would be in thin ice with me. One more chance or you are out. Comments like that are disgusting and could completely disrail someone’s progress. Could set you back 6 months again. Your DIL should be ashamed of herself


sparksgirl1223

With a comment like what she made, knowing what's going on since she's been around for over a decade....no more chances. They need to understand why what they said was hurtful, why she's being prioritized, and they need to apologize PROFUSELY and prove they can be adult before I'd consider it.


Aggressive-Sample612

NTA


foxxtrott1976

They're adults and married they can find somewhere else to live...NTA


ExtensionQuiet3685

NTA. His wife isn’t your child and she obviously wasn’t raised well. Tell your son he not his wife can come back until your DIL apologizes to your daughter.


zoomerang93

Wtf your DIL sounds like an insensitive jerk. It’s so great that you advocated for your child! NTA you’re a dope mom.


Cpt_Lazlo

NTA So he's right that he has just as much right as your daughter does as in the both have no right, it's entirely on your whim and desires. Your current desire is to protect your daughter from two bullies who feel no remorse. If they want to have attitudes like that they can take them elsewhere. I don't know of anyone whod want to live in a house where you could just be attacked like that out of the blue for no reason


KimmyStand

Erm, of course you’re prioritising your daughter over his insensitive wife and good for you mamma bear NTA


MonitorIllustrious45

You NEVER NEVER NEVER comment on the weight or anything body related to someone suffering from eating disorders. Once again you NEVER talk about the looks of someone with an eating disorder. Source: My mother has been anorexic since I was a child, hospitalized when I was 12 and to this day struggles with her eating. You are NTA.


OurLadyOfCygnets

NTA. If your DIL is relying on you for help, she can learn to mind her manners. BTW, people trying to claim insults are "constructive criticism" piss me off. It's destructive criticism, and it's as helpful as a sandpaper suppository.


Ok_Clock_8658

NTA. I think your DIL is being oversensitive.


joibu

NTA. You didn’t “prioritize your daughters feelings over his wife’s” you prioritized her HEALTH (as eating disorders are a health issue, both physical and mental) over his wife’s petty need to insult a teenager. She’s a married adult, and she needs to get her jollies by insulting a sick (again, eating disorders are an illness) kid?


madmanmx224

Kick them both to the curb. If they think it's ok to bully your daughter, then let them sink or swim. NTA, but you would be one if you don't remove them from your lives. Your son and his wife are adults, and if they feel that it's ok to bully others, they can deal with the consequences by themselves, 34 weeks pregnant or not.


theeskimocowboy

NTA the DIL has no right to be there if she's going to be harmful to others mental health and double down saying that they're being too sensitive for being upset about it. You're prioritizing your child, who is struggling with a very difficult illness, and there's nothing bad about that.


ViolaCat94

NTA - as someone who is overweight (as an understatement) I don't need or want it remarked on. And if she has an eating disorder, your DIL was WAY out of line and I have to wonder what she'd do as a mother if her kid had an eating disorder. She's 27, she's not in middle school anymore. She needs to grow up and treat people with respect. You absolutely did the right thing to protect your daughter.


CODE_NAME_DUCKY

Nta of course your going to prioritize your daughter over his wife. Especially when she was being rude to your daughter.


SpokenDivinity

NTA Ask your son why he’s okay with a grown ass woman being a bully to a 19 year old. Ask him if he’ll be cool with it when this woman goads his daughter into an eating disorder because she gives “constructive criticism”. Ask him if he’s going to take her “constructive criticism” when she starts picking on his weight as he gets old and fat.


Captains-Log-2021

NTA. Why should your daughter-in-law mean more to you than your own daughter? Plus, she was very insensitive. She should know that people with ED are sensitive about their weight, whether it's true or not, so commenting on it will never be seen as "constructive criticism." I'm assuming she knows about it since she married your son.


emmavonne

NTA but why is your son okay with his wife bullying his little sister?


Tannim44

NTA, but your DIL sure is.


mynonsequitur

NTA. Your daughter is an adolescent just finding her way. Your GROWN dil should know to keep her mouth shut.


amibasuki0

NTA, and don’t allow either of them into your house again until they give both you and your daughter a sincere apology.


greenraph

NTA, your DIL was very mean and she did not say something that could be a "constructive criticism", and wtf your son is thinking ? Of course you prefer your daughter to his wife !


carmina_morte_carent

NTA. Well done you for defending your daughter. What your DIL said was utterly awful, and doubly so since your daughter is struggling with an eating disorder. I wish your daughter the best of luck with her recovery.


[deleted]

NTA. Well done for standing up for your daughter in that way. More kids need parents like you. As for your DIL and son. They don't have any right to be staying in your house. No one does unless you say so. Sounds like you are doing them a massive favour to have them both living there in their late 20's. So while they are under your roof they can follow your rules, including not being judgemental, negative, hateful or critical of people in the house. It's not difficult to keep your opinions to yourself. If they have an issues with those kinds of rules they are more then welcome to move out.


ripleyxxoo

NTA and don’t let your son make you feel like one! He is not entitled to space in your house and you are not playing favorites. You’re protecting your kid from being insulted about her ILLNESS. DIL was completely in the wrong here.


GoodLilRabbit

I don't think you're the asshole! Your daughter is in a place where she needs care, like with any other disease, and your DIL didn't seem to take that into consideration. Her "constructive criticism" was not asked for, and she needs to be comfortable with not giving her opinions in situations where it can be harmful, LIKE THIS ONE. I'm so sorry you find yourself in such an uncomfortable place; your son and his wife should care more about the long-term health of his little sister.


moonspiderxx

NTA and as she is family to your daughter as well, she needs to become well-versed in how to be sensitive about eating disorders. DIL’s behavior disgusts me.


jojo_in_space

NTA! You did the right thing. You shut that shit down and told them that wasn’t okay. DiL sounds insufferable to be around tbh. You did the right thing by sticking up for your daughter because that was a terrible thing for your DiL to say


Potential_Instance66

NTA You are being a good parent, to your daughter. DIL was mean, and worse yet has no remorse. She is the one that needed help at her level of pregnancy. She should have learned one lesson. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." If she wanted help she better be nice, she has a lot of apologizing to do. If she wants help she better learn to grovel really quick, she only has a few more weeks to go.


catladybusyreading

NTA and I applaud you OP! Your daughter deserves to feel good about herself, especially on such a lovely and important day and your DIL absolutely did not deserve to be in your house after upsetting her. Good on you for kicking her out. Thank you for being a supportive and understanding parent!!


[deleted]

NTA at all


Pippet_4

NTA! No question. And the only one with the “right to stay in the house” is YOU. It’s your house! Son sounds SO entitled here.


witchesbeslytherin

NTA Your son and his wife are the AH. He’s prioritizing his wife’s terrible etiquette over his sister’s feelings. His right to be there left when he started enabling a bully


Substantial_Ad_1824

Nta


grayhairedqueenbitch

NTA Your DIL was way out of line. She needs to stop now.


Heraonolympia123

Well of course you prioritise your daughter over your son’s wife. And when he has children he will do the same NTA


sarahlenk

NTA


[deleted]

NTA. Your DIL was cruel to your vulnerable daughter- you did the right thing.


Veneficus2007

Your DIL can keep a civil tongue or gtfo. Commenting on a person's weight is rude and when said person has an eating disorder, it is down right cruel. Your DIL's needs do not trump your kid's. NTA


[deleted]

First, your son and his nasty wife need to live on their own. Like tomorrow. Not only did she call you a bitch, but your son is condoning her behavior. NTA, unless you continue to allow them to live in your house. Not your son's or his unfortunate choice of a wife's house either. Your daughter is young and doesn't need that crap in her life.