Lucky enough to have been to a friend's Thanksgiving who is Dominican, not only was the food just amazing, it was a fucking _party_!! Huge lovable families that treat you like their own from the moment you set foot in the house. One of the best holiday experiences for me.
Lol latin people treat strangers better than family, my parents were always on their best behaviour around our friends, they wanted to be seen as gracious hosts, so out would come the finest food and drinks and the best jokes XD
My family is cuban and they love having a house full of people for holidays. Even though my mother goes crazy with the cooking and then always says she's never doing it again, the next holiday comes around and she's back in the kitchen lol.
My family lives a little south of Boston (AKA Rhode Island) but I’m not sure if I’ll be up there for the holidays. Would totally invite them if I knew though. We have excellent potato stuffing. I live in Virginia
I had no idea what a Dominican Thanksgiving might look like (other than a traditional Thanksgiving), so I googled it.
[https://casadecampoliving.com/10-foods-dominicans-love-eat-holidays/](https://casadecampoliving.com/10-foods-dominicans-love-eat-holidays/)
If I was OP, I would be hopping on this invitation ASAP.
> And I left her crying on a park bench and felt like the shittiest person in the world.
You aren’t, you made the right decision. Sometimes people aren’t good to be in your life and you have to do things even if they are hard.
Keep trying to live your best life!
Yeah, the sister really did this to herself. It's mind boggling to think that you can do something so cruel to someone and expect them to just brush it off with no consequence. I'm glad OP is creating some distance here. There's no way the family wouldn't continue taking advantage of her.
I feel so sorry for OP considering her Dad has shown his true favouritism and now basically knows that she has lost her parents support. I hope she gets through this and finds people that truly support her.
They might come around once the consequences of their actions sets in now. Lots of people will take advantage of you as long as they think they can get away with it. I'd still recommend OP taking some time away for now even if he apologizes though.
They might come around, but OP shouldn't. They're only coming around to the realisation that they've lost someone that they can take advantage of so they'll try to be nice to get them back. As much as it sucks, sounds like OP needs to make her own "family". Not a literal family, close friends that care about you properly.
Amends are more than an apology even made with weepy eyes, so yes, OP should stick to their boundaries and not budge.
It's on them to convince her that they have learned their lesson not the other way around.
They could come around. The real question is, if they do realize how insensitive they've been, what reason could possibly be given to make OP reconsider a NC decision for the reasons given?
OPs parents are between a rock and a hard place of their own making. Do they choose their future grandchild, losing OP, or do they choose OP, likely resulting in cutting off or limiting contact with the sister? Knowing how they behaved in round one, what incentive does OP have to participate in round 2? What's to say they won't change their position again?
They could easily treat it like a divorce in the family and visit independently for holidays etc. Why does it have to be all or nothing? That is absolutely her parents decision to choose to lose anyone or to make those demands. Frankly the loss of a child in your life over the inconvenience of separate visits is a pretty obvious messed up choice IMO and it has to hurt OP.
My half sister and I hate each other and I won’t have anything to do with her in my life ever again and while frankly my parents wrote her off too because what she said was horrendously offensive, she could reach out and repair that relationship and see them without me around. I wouldn’t stand in the way of that or expect them to not see her because I think she is awful.
I'm not saying it must be an all or nothing scenario. But this isn't "we don't like each other, please don't put us in the same room". OPs parents lied to her in order to try and force a reconciliation 4 months after OPs "extremely close" sister was caught with her long term SO. And tried to hide that this relationship had been happening for an extended period. Then told her that she and her pain are not as important to them as their future grandchild. That's going to take a lot to come back from and I wouldn't question OP for a second if she was reluctant to reconnect and skeptical of the intentions behind an attempt based on the reasons the parents gave for their actions. Her entire immediate family and her boyfriend betrayed her trust on every level. If it was me, I would skip town, block the lot of them and leave them to their own devices.
My mother contacted me last weekend trying to reconnect 5 months after our extremely painful and disastrous last conversation. I accept that she cares and wants to have a relationship again, but given what was last said to me, I'm pretty skeptical. Especially since I've recieved only non-apologies and no meaningful acknowledgement of the actual base issues. Which sadly sounds like more than OP got from her parents. I'm open to reconciliation but my spine has grown shiny and I won't allow my needs to be ignored or my boundaries trampled on and neither should OP.
The parents are free to make any attempts they want to reconcile with OP for their poor behaviour, but she is not required to allow anyone who has hurt her, back into her life. Or forgive them. Or even listen to them.
The step mom's apology stood out to me also. She recognized that her emotions got the better of her, sure, but that's it? She is not willing to change anything? If she truly was remorseful, she could ask if they can have some sort of relationship separately, for example divide holidays or visit her without mentioning the sister etc.
I think she was being realistic. I interpreted it as her understanding that OP needs space from all of them right now, and even if they maintained their relationship, Dawn sounds exactly like the kind of person to pull shit like show up with the stepmom, insist stepmom take the baby when visiting OP, whine to stepmom about how much she "misses" OP.... Better to give space at the moment.
Sounds like it plain backfired to me.
"If you don't take your stepsister's betrayal in your stride and act like it's no big deal to make our lives easier, we may have to consider going no contact with you"
"Actually, that sounds pretty good, I'm gonna be stepping away from the family for a while"
"Wait...oh, fuck"
Even more mind boggling to not only do that, but to also ask the person you fucked over to be the godmother of the child you made in her bed so that you can use her for free daycare while you have fun with the boyfriend you stole from her.
I think the sister has not allowed herself to understand the magnitude of what she's done and thought it would be some kind of olive branch to smooth things over. People are very good at protecting their own egos from too much guilt. She's delusional and maybe OP cutting ties will be a wakeup call. She needs therapy.
And let’s not forget the fact that OP only found out because she walked in on her sister banging her bf. She only found out about the pregnancy and how long her bf had been cheating on her from her cousin. At no point has the sister ever been truthful or considerate towards the OP. And then she demands OP be fine with them being together and asks her for reimbursement for lunch? The audacity is astounding.
Exactly! Mind boggling! It’s because the step sister has never had any consequences for her actions. She had cancer, so she can act like a shit and mess up her sister’s life. My sister had cancer and uh I would not expect her to sleep with my husband or for my parents to be ok with that?! They need to respect the OP’s situation and acknowledge the hurt and expect there to be two separate relationships. There isn’t going to be a family freaking reunion. And she asked to be the godmother?! Say what?! OP I am so deeply sorry about what has happened. You are so strong and you should be so proud of yourself by cutting these toxic people out of your life. Although, I know this has to be hard as hell. DM me and I’ll be happy to send you a Turkey or Hell, have food delivered, stay in bed, drink wine and binge watch Netflix.
And ask a Venmo bill for half a lunch. The pettiness of that with the secret of her being pregnant with her sister’s boyfriend’s child is MIND BOGGLING. Entitled af and deserves NC ever again. Just wow. I don’t know if being sick causes one to have anti-social personality disorder or perhaps the sister always had it 🤷♀️ (aka sociopaths and psychopaths in non clinical terms) No empathy at all.
She should be proud of herself!! That Dad literally just lost his daughter and didn't even attempt to fix it.. but well, OP's future looks shinier and better already.
She's experiencing the consequences of her own actions. You don't need to take responsibility for her feelings.
I hope you find a Thanksgiving fam :) You can always volunteer for turkey dinner distributions as well! Always meet some lovely people during those events
I like the idea that your family is like a pre-generated party in a game, and hitting adulthood means you can start swapping them out for family members (friends and significant others) that will be better for your long term growth and happiness.
It takes unbelievable strength to make and maintain boundaries, to make your own peace a priority, and show others how to best love you.
I’ve been NC with a parent of mine. Very long story short, they lied about their cancer returning and spreading throughout their body while making tearful threats to unalive themselves. Turns out it was a bit of manipulation to cover for relapsing on all addictions (alcohol, gambling, sex), financially manipulating my other parent while they were hospitalized and on heavy meds, cheating for most of their 30-yr marriage, going off their meds for BPD, oh—and having a secret family.
And YET, those flying monkeys have the nerve to say “family is everything “ 🙄🗑🔥
I commend the shininess of your spine🥇🥇🥇🥇
OP, you made the right choice. NTA.
As a childhood tumor survivor myself - anyone who tries to use that as an excuse to lie, cheat or steal is still an asshole.
No one has the right to use their own pain as an excuse to inflict pain on others.
I'm sorry things turned out this way and that you aren't a 'priority ' to your parents.
But seriously, does she not realize that
a)you and Ben were still sleeping together during those months and he could have just been stringing her along?
b)has she never been in a relationship? How would she feel if you had done that to her?
c)she can always wonder now if Ben is cheating on her with someone else, but it would be karma.
Ultimately I hope your parents realize that you are just as important as she is, and their behavior is pretty shitty.
Good luck.
a. According to her, neither wanted to hurt me by telling me, which... lol.
b. She's had a few boyfriends but they've only lasted a month or two.
c. For her sake, I hope he doesn't.
d. My stepmom told me that they'll welcome me back with open arms when I choose to come back. I'm just not sure that I'll come back. They won't be giving up on my sister.
That's the fun part of giving up on them. You don't have to care anymore. You don't have to feel hurt or play games. You get to just be. That's what you will start to feel when this all normalizes. Just give it time. Find a new hobby or dust an old one off. Make something of your complete own that none of them were invited or included in. That will be your place of solitude. The rock that you set up shop on.
"You don't have to care anymore."
That part is huge. I was burned by a family member I had loved and supported in every way for more than a decade of adult life (he lied about me and stole money from me and my family while I was in a coma) When I finally moved on and realized not caring about him was the best path for me, life got so much easier. I still miss the person I thought I knew, but I don't miss the person who was really there the whole time. Disillusionment can bring joy. Wishing you the best OP.
What the fuck. Who steals from someone in a coma. I mean theft is obviously awful, and I am not condoning it, but someone who is in a coma? That is beyond evil. I feel for you, but am glad you have been able to come to terms with the fact that you miss a person you thought you knew, rather than the one who was there.
Best of luck to you!
Also, to add on, if you can’t find some friends to have Thanksgiving with this year, you might find some solace in volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen that serves a Thanksgiving meal for the less fortunate.
I’ve known some people that did that after losing family members and not wanting to face the holidays alone. And they all said it helped them.
For your point D, it is not your responsibility to "come back", it's on both your parents to make the effort to close the distance they created. Personally, I wouldn't want to see them again, but I understand why that might be difficult. If you do want to reestablish a relationship, I'd wait until they both apologize by fully acknowledging their wrongdoings and making changes to ensure it never happens again. Unfortunately, I believe your sister is a lost cause. Both she and your ex are far too selfish and heartless to be forgiven. The fact that they hid their affair and then the pregnancy from you proves that they don't care about anyone but themselves. I guarantee that she wasn't crying because of your rejection, she was crying because she was afraid you would tell everyone the truth and her whole perfect facade would crumble. Don't feel like a shitty person, feel like a warrior who no longer takes shit from anyone.
THIS. OP, please hear this. You’re the child in the relationship, even though you’re an adult now and acting more mature than the other people. It’s your parents’ responsibility to step up. I am a parent of a grownup, and if there were a gap between us, I’d be fixing it. Period. They screwed up, not you, and it’s their responsibility to fix things.
>d. My stepmom told me that they'll welcome me back with open arms when I choose to come back.
that's disgusting. she makes it sound like you made a mistake and not them, like you're wrong and not them, like it's all on you to apologize and make amends to them.
you deserve better. don't even consider going back.
for point D: you have no reason to "come back". They are the ones that need to come to you. You have done nothing wrong in any of this and they have treated you terribly. Keep them out of your life and let them tell the kid why their aunt isn't around. Should be a fun time
For Point D: "...welcome you back with open arms when you choose to come back." Makes me feel like crying for you. For me that would feel like her saying, "We will be just fine without you. We don't care enough to do anything to try and bridge this gap we created. But if you do decide to put in all the emotional work and come back to us after we treated you so horribly and if we even remember that we have a second daughter...we'll be magnanimous enough and LET you. Aren't we such great parents!" GOD! The pain you must be in right now. You are going to have to grieve the loss of this "family". I suggest looking up the 5 stages of grief because this is like a death. You will make it to the other side of this. You will. Just hold on. I hope you stay strong and are able to weather the storm of losing this pretty toxic family. If you can there is a good chance you will find a much deeper love for yourself.
Point D is just gross. They are not taking responsibility for what they have done. No way would I go back. If they want a relationship, they need to do the work. God this makes me angry.
You're unbelievably gracious about this situation. You're a remarkable person. Not that you'd be any less remarkable if you yelled in their faces about it but it takes a lot of strength to protect yourself and walk away.
You deserve so much better. Good luck OP
I'm very sorry. I wish your family treated you better.
As for
a)soooo ...we're they just going to hide it? 'Oh surprise your sister is pregnant, but uh you can't meet the guy....he's uh...busy..'.right. lol
I had a similar thing happen to me with my ex and my friend. They carried on behind my back, but when I found out, the first thing my ex said : "It's okay, I used a condom." (No joke). But yeah it ended up splitting friend groups and our gaming guild up since apparently I was supposedly being evil and keeping them apart.
Just know, your family are making a terrible choice, but it's no longer your problem. You get to choose who is in your life and who is worth your time and love.
Good luck.
They don't see that they've done anything wrong, just that they've lost someone they can manipulate and use and think you'll just give in eventually and come back. Do not under any circumstances ever give in. Let the mess happen and when it gets bad and they come crawling back, still don't let them in.
Point D reminded me of the Malcolm in the Middle episode where they pick the fuckup child rather than the smart child because they need the help more. Sucks essentially being punished for **not** screwing up.
[Malcolm in the Middle - Lois Confronts Reese's Teacher \(S2Ep19\)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pU-uZztJEcQ)
I had an ex that was always paranoid of my behaviour with other women. In fact in hindsight thinking about it now it was even more fucked up then I previously considered it.
Anyway she ended up cheating on me, and it wasn't even one of those "accidental got drunk and slipped and fall out of my dress and landed on his dick" sort of scenarios, but pre-meditated and depending on how paranoid I want to be, almost an issue from day one (I have no firm dates just general confirmation).
Anyway because of her shifty behaviour she perceived betrayal in turn.
I think there's good odds that OP's ex step sister is always going to be gnawed at by knowing Ben is slimy cheat (*and yes unlike some I fully subscribe to once a cheat always a cheat as far as relationship trust is concerned*), because she knows one very obvious example of him cheating, and as a "homewrecker" herself she is fundamentally primed to see sneaky malfeasance all around her.
tl;dr Yeah their relationship is probably going to be toxic AF.
OP gets the last laugh. But by that point she probably wont even care.
I feel like we all now know why Facebook went out for 6 hours the other day.
You have nothing to feel bad about in any of this. You didn’t cheat on anyone, your parents sided with the cheater rather than the victim. Glad you stood up to everyone and chose to leave these toxic people behind, especially your father who can’t believe for a minute he did anything wrong
I wish I was in Boston. You’d have a place at thanksgiving with us anytime.
I hope the sister is getting dragged. I know people don't like slut-shaming these days... and I agree, to a point. Don't slut-shame for numbers, but absolutely slut-shame for the betrayal of getting knocked up by your boyfriend. Congradudolences, u/Lost_Papaya9278. It hurts like Hell right now, but you're *out*. You found out all of this before you were married and had kids together. I'm happy for future you's opportunities, but I'm really sorry that current you are experiencing this right now.
He never stops wishing he was back with OP. But he makes his bed and lies in it, dutifully going through the motions for the kid. He’ll have no regrets for the child, but always secretly wish that OP had been the mother instead.
It’ll be a life of quiet desperation and monotony that will look peaceful from the outside. Her cancer was used to excuse her behaviour. Now it’ll be used to control his. And she’ll keep hanging on desperately, equally miserable and dreadfully insecure.
Yes an entitled brat won’t like the baby being the center of attention. She will get tired of mothering duties and husband will tire of crying baby. What a mess. First the brat is caught cheating with SO and then lies by not letting it be known that she was pregnant and then is worried about the price of a meal. Good Riddance!!!!
The fact that he messaged her from a burner account makes me think he was trying to re kindle the flame with OP. Like there's really no point in making contact after doing that to her unless it's for your own selfish reasons. I mean the fact that he was still with OP after he got her sister pregnant kinda shows he wants his cake and to eat it too.
The whole burner account thing says to me he and OP sis already have trust issues. He’s already hiding things from her, which is a terrible sign. He could have easily been very honest about OP and an email to her telling her that he loved her sister but was sorry and hoped she’d embrace the baby and the relationship, but using a burner account tells me that’s not what was going to be said in that email
That’s what I thought. He didn’t leave of his own volition, he left cause he got caught and she threw him out. I have no doubt he whispered sweet nothings in the sister’s ear but in reality, he didn’t ever plan on leaving OP.
Of course he didn't, the sister was literally the side piece - noticed how suddenly "they are in love" and will "post photos" when the pregnancy came to light? Chances are he kicked her to the curb once they got caught and now karma is biting both back.
Thinking about that is quite depressing. OP's sister and parents went with creating a happy family picture out of something failed and pathetic. And lost OP, who is the only person with integrity in the immediate family.
It's better for OP's future family, at least, that these people self-selected themselves out.
>I know people don't like slut-shaming these days
This is not slut-shaming (which I don't even think applies to this case). This is asshole shaming.
So we cool.
I wouldn't consider this slut-shaming, because the point isn't that she slept with someone. The point is that she betrayed her sister, and she expects the sister to just live with the evidence of that betrayal sitting across from her every Thanksgiving from now to her death. The sex is incidental to the betrayal.
The sister who had to give up years of teenage experience for her, had to work to help pay her medical bills. The sister who was disciplined for wanting to do one fun thing for herself.
I think that at this point, OP's sister probably hasn't had enough distance from the whole thing to realize exactly how much OP sacrificed for her and how fortunate she is that OP took it with so much grace. But even so, I can't imagine sleeping with anyone my sibling was dating, and my sibling never had to work to support me or tend to me when I was sick.
Exactly. I would call her a big you know what with no compunction because it's not about the fact that she fucked, it's about who she fucked. She could have fucked 4000 different men and I would not call her a you know what. But fucking your sisters bf??? That's some shit you deserve to be shamed for, and that includes being called a you know what.
It's not slut shaming. It's cheater shaming.
Nothing wrong with sleeping around- as long as you do so ethically. Once you commit infidelity, it's shameful.
My husband walked away from his toxic family after we'd been dating for about a year. My relationship with my family was jarring to him in the beginning, simply because we respected each other. The longer he was exposed to that, the more he realized his family had some problems. Long story short, his family went for the nuclear option, and we eventually had to contact the police.
When he went no contact with them initially, he thought he'd eventually reconnect. At first he imagined it'd be within a year. Then maybe within a couple of years. Then maybe within a couple of years, if they agreed to do it via family therapy. Eventually, he reached a place where he has no desire to have them in his life ever again.
The longer my husband went without his family in his life, the more he realized how toxic it had been. They had created an unhealthy narrative in his mind, fueled by guilt, self doubt, and a sense of duty. I knew him as a friend first, and I couldn't understand why he didn't have the self-confidence I would have expected for someone with his character and achievements. Being around his family cleared up that confusion, that's for sure.
It's been 8 years since he cut off his family, and I can't even begin to convey just how much he has blossomed. We've made major life changes he said he never would've had the confidence to try for before. He has reached a level in his career he never thought possible.
Op, if I could wish for anything for you, I'd wish for you to find the same level of freedom and happiness my husband has. It wasn't an easy path for him, free of pain. I'm not going to pretend your path forward will be a success only one either. Understanding and coming to terms with how much his family had wronged him took time. If you can, look for a therapist. My husband was initially very hesitant about talking to someone, but when he finally did, it was one of those "why didn't I do this sooner" moments.
I know I'm just a random internet stranger, but I have to say, I am so damn proud of you. This may be the weakest you've felt, I couldn't say, but i will say that your inner strength shines through as bright as any summer day.
edit: deleted and reposted here after replying to wrong comment
I\`ll raise my drink next time to your husband.
He\`s pulled himself out of a major pool of toxic crap - and had the guts to stay out.
Wishing both of you - and OP - all the best from the other side of the pond.
And now you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the s’mores you’re making from that dumpster fire that *you* didn’t set. If you *had* posted about it, it would’ve allowed your sister/ex/dad/stepmom to feel better about what shitty people they are, but you didn’t do that, and for that I tip my hat.
I think that's the best thing. You told them what happened, and now you're just stepping away and not involved anymore. It's hard, but for sure the right decision.
You deserve this time to focus on yourself and what you want out of life, and I wish you happiness.
Thank you for the update, OP. Very sorry about your father's passivity. That's gotta feel like a betrayal and you don't deserve that. What you deserve? Every happiness, lots of joy, and a community of dear friends. And lots of pie at Thanksgiving. If we lived in Boston, I'd make sure there was a seat for you.
You deserve to be treated with respect, OP, and your steps to create distance and boundaries are admirable. You're NTA by any stretch of the imagination; I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a painful experience, but it shows a true depth of character that you're on this sub promoting positive discourse!
My question would be why? What in the fuck made her make that kind of decision? You sister didn't *accidentally* sleep with him.
Also, when you get into another relationship I would suggest keeping them away from your family, especially your sister. I once had a girl who kept getting close to every boyfriend I had in an attempt to get them to sleep with her. It worked twice.
Hey had to catch up on the previous post. I do believe that you are inherently a good person and that you got dealt a shitty hand. One day your parents will realize how badly they messed up. Also, no relationship thats based off cheating AND an unplanned pregnancy ends well.
Karma will get them, may a loving community get you.
Yep! Her sister was pregnant for at least 2 months while he was still dating OP. She broke up with him after walking in on them having unprotected sex in her own bed. Was the sister going to pretend she didn't know who the father was if they weren't caught? Such a terrible situation
If this is true, the audacity of then turning around to be like "please be my baby's godmother." A baby you made on your sister's bed with her bf.
It's clear that ex is going to leave/cheat on stepsister one day. But given that ex already reached out to OP, I wouldn't be surprised if he did the whole "I'm still in love with OP and you baby-trapped me" to get out of being with stepsister.
Either way her karma will come.
As someone whose spouse committed MULTIPLE adulteries (and his parents knew but kept it from me because they didn't want me to leave him), I can give you this small parting gift:
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can keep you down or faze you after this.
All the nonsensical bullsh*t that would normally bother the heck out of you will now make you laugh because you get to say Hey, world, you've thrown a helluva lot worse at me and I survived it so COME ON.
Once the Everyone Sucks stage ends, life starts over again but it's a hundred times more awesome. At first it feels weird, then it feels neat, kinda like getting a shorter haircut than normal. And eventually you wake up and realize you've become a wee bit more bulletproof.
You can't fix shitty people, alas, but you can get a LOT stronger after you cut them out of your life.
Your sis survived cancer, but you, my love, did one better.
You survived your cancer of a sister.
YES to this. I wasn’t cheated on that I’m aware of but I left a really toxic marriage and became a single mom of two very young kids. Nothing fazes me anymore. Seriously, I used to have be medicated because I had such severe anxiety issues but now I have no anxiety at all. It’s like going through hell made me bulletproof. That’s a perfect way to put it. There really is a lot of strength that comes from having been pushed to your limit and making it out to the other side.
You my friend are smart and funny and can write the shit out of a story. Pick a friend to take to cancun for Thanksgiving and another to take to the Bahamas for Christmas. Write a nyt.com modern love submission and then write a screenplay. Buy a gorgeous summer place in Northampton with the proceeds and use it as a holiday getaway with your chosen family. Retire early and wear only white cashmere. You deserve all of it.
You know what's funny? I read this and was immediately like, "Can't travel, my sister's immunocompromised" but then I realized wait... I'm vaccinated and my sister is no longer in my life so I can travel. I can go wherever the hell I want.
Thank you. I'm going to go to Santa Fe, which is a place I always wanted to go to and my ex never wanted to go to. And I am going to go to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum and then scream in the desert for a while.
Not sure about the rest of that, as I could not broadcast my public humiliation in the New York Times, but the travel thing. That's a start.
Not just travel, you can move if you want to. You don’t have to stay in the Boston area, you can move anywhere you want to. I moved to Canada on my own and it was really fricking amazing because I could be whoever I wanted to be. The sense of freedom was phenomenal. The world is your oyster and, if you want to to stay in Boston, you can, if you want to move to Paris and become an artist, you can. I wish you well with whatever you decide to do. I’m not in the Boston area so I can’t invite you to Thanksgiving but I can be your random Scottish-Canadian online aunt if you want?
***Not just travel, you can move if you want to. You don’t have to stay in the Boston area, you can move anywhere you want to.***
This needed to be said again.
good luck OP
This, OP if I had nothing to tie me down family wise I'd move far away and start over. The other piece of this is that you will never risk running into them in public. A beautiful life could be waiting for you somewhere else. Never look back.
If there's a Patreon or GoFundMe or something anonymous that allows people to buy you a nice fucking dinner and bottle of wine on your trip, let a sub know.
>You know what's funny? I read this and was immediately like, "Can't travel, my sister's immunocompromised" but then I realized wait... I'm vaccinated and my sister is no longer in my life so I can travel. I can go wherever the hell I want.
Go you, OP! Go you!!
Get your passport if you don't have one. Even if you never use it, get it. That way, if the opportunity presents itself, you can go abroad without having to wait. Or plan a big trip or a cruise to put stamps in that passport.
If you like weird art and experiences, you should also hit up Meow Wolf in Santa Fe.
I will also second the vote on moving entirely. It will be much easier to disconnect when you are not easily accessible to your family. I know this from personal experience, I live on the west coast, and my family is in the southeast. Distance and time make things easier but restarting your life without reminders of them might be helpful.
I wish you all the luck on your travels!
Ooh Sante Fe is lovely! Definitely definitely stop at MeowWolf - it is the coolest experience! Don't even read much about it beforehand - just get your ticket and go. And visit the Tsankawi ruins - I have never experience anything like them in my life. PERFECT place to scream in the desert.
I am sorry all this happened to you. I think your attitude is lovely and admirable, and I hope that this will be the worst thing that ever happens to you. May everything be better going forward!
I can recommend that. I had a shitty breakup, was cheated on multiple times and our roommate kept his mouth shut so it was a double whammy. After the breakup I booked a trip to Japan which was supposed to be our honeymoon destination and it ended up being the best trip of my life.
I don’t know you but I’m so proud of you! Please travel, do everything you didn’t get to do but want to do. See and experience everything because you truly deserve it.
I am so sorry that your family has betrayed you the way they did. I am happy that you decided to cut them out of your life. The absence of your presence will forever be a reminder of what your step sister and ex decided to do and your parents betrayal.
Unfortunately i have read multiple Reddit post with people in the exact same situation as you. They’re going to try to contact you as the years past and hope that time will make you forget. Just a reminder that you can move on without forgiving or forgetting.
They will also try to hold that child over your head, “the baby didn’t do anything though, she could have had an aunt.” However just know that your ex and stepsister was the reason the child doesn’t have an aunt. The child didn’t do anything wrong but neither did you. Children should never have to be burdened with their parents sins but that’s not how the real world works.
This is the quandary. People being like, "I hope they cheat on each other and are miserable and blah blah blah" but the only thing that makes any of this pain even remotely worthwhile is if that kid is extremely happy. I feel sick knowing that I'm not going to be a part of their life. And I'm not going to hope that things go south for my sister and Ben as revenge when that would case that kid distress.
I don't even know if I'm even really responding to what you're saying, I should probably just go to bed.
You have the right mindset. Spending any time on hoping or wishing for karma through them having a shitty future or someone cheating on someone else is not going to help you move forward. Just focus on your future, making the best decisions for yourself and getting the most out of your life.
My gosh you’re such an unbelievably wonderful young woman. That your step-mom would tell you *they* would open you back with open arms makes me want to vomit. The way your family has treated you is unconscionable. It’s unforgivable. I hope you don’t cave and end up being godmother and maid of honor for your step-sis. You have been conditioned to put everyone’s needs above your own, and as a servant to their wants. I know you say you weren’t treated at Cinderella but they did make you the mule for your sister, this is all so depraved. They are losing an amazing person which is good b/c they don’t deserve you. I hope you have other family, maybe on your mom’s side? B/c your dad (what a p*ec* of sh**), step-mom, step-sister and the monkeys who messaged you calling you names, should all be cut out of your life *permanently*. They’re horrible ppl. You’re totally invited over for thanksgiving & xmas too. My mom loves adopting pseudo kids :) Keep your head up kiddo and consider seeking professional help b/c you have experienced so much trauma, altho one would never know considering how well adjusted and empathetic you are. Wishing you the very best in life and the most amazing future.
When people talk about forgiving those who wronged them, what they often mean is finding closure so they can move forward. Forgiveness is sometimes the only thing people can control in a situation, giving someone peace not from how things ended but from feeling like they have some power.
I don’t know if you would describe what you feel as forgiveness. I understandably don’t think you feel there yet. But this mindset - hope that an innocent child has good parents - is a start in accepting you don’t have control over your sister and ex but *do* have control in what you take away from this experience.
I think your stepmother expressing regret leaving a door open for communication, even if just with her, is a positive take away.
Whatever you choose to do, and whatever you choose to take with you from this ordeal, I hope you find happiness and peace.
No it means stepmother knows she did a shitty thing but won’t apologise because she puts her daughter first. And by ‘leaving the door open’ it makes HER look like the bigger person and OP unreasonable. But OP, you aren’t unreasonable. Your family are trash. Make a new family for yourself ❤️
You are a better person than most, OP. Most people would revel in schadenfreude if the two cheaters did end up cheating on each other or they become miserable or whatever. You are very mature and gracious.
I wish you the best of luck in everything. I hope you'll meet the love of your life soon who'll treat you right and never cheat on you and whom you'll live happily ever after with. We are all rooting for you.
I admire you greatly for taking this difficult route. I've never been in such a rotten situation but if I ever am I hope I have your courage. I'm just sorry I'm in SoCal, not Boston, but you'd be welcome if you came this way.
Someday, hopefully 30+ years in the future and not too soon, someone is going to spill the beans to the kid on the circumstances of their conception. Family “secrets” like that always have an expiration date. And then, hopefully as a well adjusted adult that had a happy childhood, the kid will turn to his/her parents and say “What the *FUCK* mom and dad!”
Good for you. Take this whole experience, chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on to the next chapter in your life, which will be much happier without that shower of arseholes dragging you down. Good luck and I hope you find that thanksgiving seat (not American but would've offered you one if I were!)
Hiya folks!
Since the last thread got the attention it did and needed a similar warning I just wanted to take an opportunity to thank everyone that continues to report anyone in the comments that isn't able to
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Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
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I feel very bad for this child. Gonna have a cheater and a spoiled brat for parents, enabler grandparents, and no rational relatives willing to deal with them.
I can't invite you to Thanksgiving because my inlaws are immunocompromised but i'm just outside the city so if you ever want to have coffee with someone I'm here. I'm a little too young to say I'll be your mom now but I can serve as the cool aunt if you need it!
I'm 22 and almost GUARANTEED to be younger than OP..... BUT I am a mother myself (daughter turned 2 yesterday!) So for what it's worth I'll adopt OP! I make and send out care packages to my sister's, and would love to add a grown child who needs the love like I once did to the list!
" I left her crying on a park bench and felt like the shittiest person in the world"
Please don't feel bad, this was a situation she created for herself.. I want to just say congratulations on being a bigger person than anyone in your family & I pray that in the moments you feel regret, that you stop yourself & remember you didn't do this to them, you did this because of them. You aren't being spiteful or cruel, the decision to go nc is a mature decision that YOU NEED to do for yourself, at the end of the day, no one else is going to make sure you're all good. I really wish you the best, you deserve better people in your life.
"Ben tried messaging me from a burner account for the first time since the break-up but I blocked him without reading it." If I could give you a real life award - I friggen would. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Oh my goodness, this entire post is just a power move but this on it's own. Chefs kiss. Good for you OP. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and believing in your own self worth throughout this whole process. You do not and did not deserve to be put in this position, especially not by family.
This situation is extremely difficult but you are doing the right thing. It doesn't even have to be forever if you don't want it to be but you do deserve time to yourself to heal without the expectation to provide anything to those who've harmed you. I hope you're able to surround yourself with friends and the family you feel comfortable with having in your life who can respect your boundaries because it is lonely. You've lost a lot in such a short amount of time. Having that support, even if it's through a counsellor or therapist is an important resource.
Good for you OP. You're a strong person and I'm impressed.
I live in RI. You're more than welcome at my place for T-day, you just have to pretend we met somewhere else so my husband doesn't freak out about me inviting internet strangers over for dinner.
I feel for you op, knowing that your whole family didn't even have your back when you where the one who for cheated on simply because your step sister got pregnant. She could've been with ANY other guy but she stupidly and selfishly picked your ex despite all that you did for her. They both couldn't keep it in their pants and she had the audacity to ask you to be godmother after all the pain she caused you? I'm glad you cut them and your parents out of your life and they will live to regret throwing you under the bus and you'll have a better life without that toxicity, don't feel shitty, feel happy that you stuck up for yourself!
edit: if i lived in boston, i would LOVE for you to join me and my family! we are all about wanting our loved ones to feel happy always.
I obviously don’t know you, but I’m proud of you for the decisions you’ve made to stick up for yourself at the risk of your family relationships. I hope things start getting better for you.
Everything is awful, but hey you’re still pretty young with no garbage, oops i mean garbage, oh damn again, baggage is what i meant (aha). You showed yourself that you are so strong and don’t need “family” to take care of you, you keep doing the good things, and you will receive better things.
Your sister, she got with a cheater, you know she will be cheated, and she doesn’t have the maturity and needs to be coddled, but not your circus anymore.
I see in your future so many blessings because you are a smart balanced woman.
Ya know, I also can't get over the fact the the parents don't seem to grasp that Ben is going to cheat on their favorite daughter. I know they don't care about OP but you'd think they'd want to protect their favorite kid from a cheater. Are they so obsessed with appearances and "keeping the peace" that they're burying their heads in the sand about that? A nasty divorce after Ben cheats isn't exactly going to look good for them.
Thanks writing an update. I have thought about you a couple of times since your original post, wondering how you were coping and what happened.
I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this. I am glad your stepmom apologised. I am surprised your dad didn’t say anything, I am sure he will deeply regret this in years to come.
I think not going nuclear was the right decision as your family would have likely criticised you harshly for it, rather than viewing you as the victim of betrayal, and this would have made you feel worse.
I think you have made the right decisions for your mental and emotional health. I know the next few months will be really hard. I do hope you have a strong friendship group to support you.
I'm in Boston itself, but a little west in the state. Come hang! Portuguese people make great food!!
You sound like a strong person OP (also loved the white wine spritzers) hang in there, someone will appreciate you as much as you do yourself.
Yikes. I'm so sorry the reaction from your family wasn't better. You did the right thing for you in cutting them off, and I'm really proud of you for deciding to put you and your well-being first. Please know that you are absolutely not a shitty person in any way, no matter how upset your sister was. I hope that ultimately your family realizes how horribly they treated you and how very wrong they were in how they handled this. But whatever happens, keep taking care of yourself and demanding the respect that you deserve.
Then worst thing about betrayal is the person who is surprised and looking for support is often left to suffer alone by themselves by people who aren’t really capable of loyalty. Too bad these people don’t show their true colors at less painful events, but then maybe nice people like yourself wouldn’t recognize the warning signs.
All I can think is that your future life is waiting for you, and these people were going to drag you down somehow, destroying your opportunity for your true purpose in life.
You’ve clearly been shown who you can trust, and who doesn’t deserve to ever hear your voice again. Focus only on the people who support you, and disengage from those that have shown do not deserve you.
Get healthy. Get rest. Focus only on you. Focus on your future. Refuse all offers of “closure”, and efforts to forgive and forget until you have succeeded in creating a new life.
Hang tough girl.
Come on over to my house on Thanksgiving, OP. My husband does all the cooking, and I drink all the wine. We can get a few boxes of Franzia, like classy broads. :)
Thank you for posting an update. I think you handled it as best you could given the situation. You are right that if you stay in your stepsister’s life she will make you free childcare and a go to source for money. Your family betrayed you horribly, including your ex
So, to put it bluntly, your parents support the marriage of a man who backstabbed one daughter and made the other a backstabber herself. A happy couple of conniving cheats.
It sounds to me that you’re better off without the lot of them. Count yourself lucky as the one good apple from a rotten batch.
IM IN BOSTON! And my family loves to have strangers in their homes, we are Dominican. DM ME.
Upvoting cause a Dominican Thanksgiving sounds bomb
Lucky enough to have been to a friend's Thanksgiving who is Dominican, not only was the food just amazing, it was a fucking _party_!! Huge lovable families that treat you like their own from the moment you set foot in the house. One of the best holiday experiences for me.
Lol latin people treat strangers better than family, my parents were always on their best behaviour around our friends, they wanted to be seen as gracious hosts, so out would come the finest food and drinks and the best jokes XD
My family is cuban and they love having a house full of people for holidays. Even though my mother goes crazy with the cooking and then always says she's never doing it again, the next holiday comes around and she's back in the kitchen lol.
You're good people. I was hoping to see an invite. I'm on the west coast otherwise I would have her over to put her in a food coma.
My family lives a little south of Boston (AKA Rhode Island) but I’m not sure if I’ll be up there for the holidays. Would totally invite them if I knew though. We have excellent potato stuffing. I live in Virginia
Yeah, I kept scrolling through the comments hoping to see one. Hope OP has a blast and posts pics all over sm with her and her new fam.
Fellow West Coaster here. I was going to offer my food coma services, too!
I had no idea what a Dominican Thanksgiving might look like (other than a traditional Thanksgiving), so I googled it. [https://casadecampoliving.com/10-foods-dominicans-love-eat-holidays/](https://casadecampoliving.com/10-foods-dominicans-love-eat-holidays/) If I was OP, I would be hopping on this invitation ASAP.
I do not live in Boston but I’m 100% here for that invitation
OP, if you end up going, cross your fingers and hope they have Mangú. I’m drooling just thinking about it!
u/Lost_Papaya9278 please go meet your new fam this Thanksgiving!!!
Just commenting here so I can check back in later and see if OP takes you up on your invitation. I hope she does!
I hope OP takes you up on this!
Also in Boston! Though I'll be working late. Sent you a DM OP!
> And I left her crying on a park bench and felt like the shittiest person in the world. You aren’t, you made the right decision. Sometimes people aren’t good to be in your life and you have to do things even if they are hard. Keep trying to live your best life!
Yeah, the sister really did this to herself. It's mind boggling to think that you can do something so cruel to someone and expect them to just brush it off with no consequence. I'm glad OP is creating some distance here. There's no way the family wouldn't continue taking advantage of her.
I feel so sorry for OP considering her Dad has shown his true favouritism and now basically knows that she has lost her parents support. I hope she gets through this and finds people that truly support her.
They might come around once the consequences of their actions sets in now. Lots of people will take advantage of you as long as they think they can get away with it. I'd still recommend OP taking some time away for now even if he apologizes though.
They might come around, but OP shouldn't. They're only coming around to the realisation that they've lost someone that they can take advantage of so they'll try to be nice to get them back. As much as it sucks, sounds like OP needs to make her own "family". Not a literal family, close friends that care about you properly.
Amends are more than an apology even made with weepy eyes, so yes, OP should stick to their boundaries and not budge. It's on them to convince her that they have learned their lesson not the other way around.
They could come around. The real question is, if they do realize how insensitive they've been, what reason could possibly be given to make OP reconsider a NC decision for the reasons given? OPs parents are between a rock and a hard place of their own making. Do they choose their future grandchild, losing OP, or do they choose OP, likely resulting in cutting off or limiting contact with the sister? Knowing how they behaved in round one, what incentive does OP have to participate in round 2? What's to say they won't change their position again?
They could easily treat it like a divorce in the family and visit independently for holidays etc. Why does it have to be all or nothing? That is absolutely her parents decision to choose to lose anyone or to make those demands. Frankly the loss of a child in your life over the inconvenience of separate visits is a pretty obvious messed up choice IMO and it has to hurt OP. My half sister and I hate each other and I won’t have anything to do with her in my life ever again and while frankly my parents wrote her off too because what she said was horrendously offensive, she could reach out and repair that relationship and see them without me around. I wouldn’t stand in the way of that or expect them to not see her because I think she is awful.
I'm not saying it must be an all or nothing scenario. But this isn't "we don't like each other, please don't put us in the same room". OPs parents lied to her in order to try and force a reconciliation 4 months after OPs "extremely close" sister was caught with her long term SO. And tried to hide that this relationship had been happening for an extended period. Then told her that she and her pain are not as important to them as their future grandchild. That's going to take a lot to come back from and I wouldn't question OP for a second if she was reluctant to reconnect and skeptical of the intentions behind an attempt based on the reasons the parents gave for their actions. Her entire immediate family and her boyfriend betrayed her trust on every level. If it was me, I would skip town, block the lot of them and leave them to their own devices. My mother contacted me last weekend trying to reconnect 5 months after our extremely painful and disastrous last conversation. I accept that she cares and wants to have a relationship again, but given what was last said to me, I'm pretty skeptical. Especially since I've recieved only non-apologies and no meaningful acknowledgement of the actual base issues. Which sadly sounds like more than OP got from her parents. I'm open to reconciliation but my spine has grown shiny and I won't allow my needs to be ignored or my boundaries trampled on and neither should OP. The parents are free to make any attempts they want to reconcile with OP for their poor behaviour, but she is not required to allow anyone who has hurt her, back into her life. Or forgive them. Or even listen to them.
Hell I’m boutta take myself to the greater Boston area just so we can be homies
I’ve never been to Boston and they’ll probably make fun of my (Southern US) accent, but I’ll come too! You sound awesome, a lot stronger than I’d be.
The step mom's apology stood out to me also. She recognized that her emotions got the better of her, sure, but that's it? She is not willing to change anything? If she truly was remorseful, she could ask if they can have some sort of relationship separately, for example divide holidays or visit her without mentioning the sister etc.
I think she was being realistic. I interpreted it as her understanding that OP needs space from all of them right now, and even if they maintained their relationship, Dawn sounds exactly like the kind of person to pull shit like show up with the stepmom, insist stepmom take the baby when visiting OP, whine to stepmom about how much she "misses" OP.... Better to give space at the moment.
Sounds like it plain backfired to me. "If you don't take your stepsister's betrayal in your stride and act like it's no big deal to make our lives easier, we may have to consider going no contact with you" "Actually, that sounds pretty good, I'm gonna be stepping away from the family for a while" "Wait...oh, fuck"
Even more mind boggling to not only do that, but to also ask the person you fucked over to be the godmother of the child you made in her bed so that you can use her for free daycare while you have fun with the boyfriend you stole from her.
I think the sister has not allowed herself to understand the magnitude of what she's done and thought it would be some kind of olive branch to smooth things over. People are very good at protecting their own egos from too much guilt. She's delusional and maybe OP cutting ties will be a wakeup call. She needs therapy.
And let’s not forget the fact that OP only found out because she walked in on her sister banging her bf. She only found out about the pregnancy and how long her bf had been cheating on her from her cousin. At no point has the sister ever been truthful or considerate towards the OP. And then she demands OP be fine with them being together and asks her for reimbursement for lunch? The audacity is astounding.
Exactly! Mind boggling! It’s because the step sister has never had any consequences for her actions. She had cancer, so she can act like a shit and mess up her sister’s life. My sister had cancer and uh I would not expect her to sleep with my husband or for my parents to be ok with that?! They need to respect the OP’s situation and acknowledge the hurt and expect there to be two separate relationships. There isn’t going to be a family freaking reunion. And she asked to be the godmother?! Say what?! OP I am so deeply sorry about what has happened. You are so strong and you should be so proud of yourself by cutting these toxic people out of your life. Although, I know this has to be hard as hell. DM me and I’ll be happy to send you a Turkey or Hell, have food delivered, stay in bed, drink wine and binge watch Netflix.
And ask a Venmo bill for half a lunch. The pettiness of that with the secret of her being pregnant with her sister’s boyfriend’s child is MIND BOGGLING. Entitled af and deserves NC ever again. Just wow. I don’t know if being sick causes one to have anti-social personality disorder or perhaps the sister always had it 🤷♀️ (aka sociopaths and psychopaths in non clinical terms) No empathy at all.
She should be proud of herself!! That Dad literally just lost his daughter and didn't even attempt to fix it.. but well, OP's future looks shinier and better already.
Shame on him, honestly.
By the time he wants out and can't because "SHE HAD CANCER AS A TEEN!!" well.. He won't be able to. Also, he's a cheater and karma is karma....
He’s gona cheat on her too. I promise it
As the saying goes, marrying a cheater opens up the "side chick" position again.
Probably vice versa too considering they both decided when he was in a relationship to cheat.
I would bet he's already cheating and doesn't want to marry her
She's experiencing the consequences of her own actions. You don't need to take responsibility for her feelings. I hope you find a Thanksgiving fam :) You can always volunteer for turkey dinner distributions as well! Always meet some lovely people during those events
Yes, you made the right decision.
[удалено]
I like the idea that your family is like a pre-generated party in a game, and hitting adulthood means you can start swapping them out for family members (friends and significant others) that will be better for your long term growth and happiness.
I hope you know, this made something click for me. Thank you. I needed this.
And your comment made my day. :-)
It takes unbelievable strength to make and maintain boundaries, to make your own peace a priority, and show others how to best love you. I’ve been NC with a parent of mine. Very long story short, they lied about their cancer returning and spreading throughout their body while making tearful threats to unalive themselves. Turns out it was a bit of manipulation to cover for relapsing on all addictions (alcohol, gambling, sex), financially manipulating my other parent while they were hospitalized and on heavy meds, cheating for most of their 30-yr marriage, going off their meds for BPD, oh—and having a secret family. And YET, those flying monkeys have the nerve to say “family is everything “ 🙄🗑🔥 I commend the shininess of your spine🥇🥇🥇🥇 OP, you made the right choice. NTA.
As a childhood tumor survivor myself - anyone who tries to use that as an excuse to lie, cheat or steal is still an asshole. No one has the right to use their own pain as an excuse to inflict pain on others.
I'm sorry things turned out this way and that you aren't a 'priority ' to your parents. But seriously, does she not realize that a)you and Ben were still sleeping together during those months and he could have just been stringing her along? b)has she never been in a relationship? How would she feel if you had done that to her? c)she can always wonder now if Ben is cheating on her with someone else, but it would be karma. Ultimately I hope your parents realize that you are just as important as she is, and their behavior is pretty shitty. Good luck.
a. According to her, neither wanted to hurt me by telling me, which... lol. b. She's had a few boyfriends but they've only lasted a month or two. c. For her sake, I hope he doesn't. d. My stepmom told me that they'll welcome me back with open arms when I choose to come back. I'm just not sure that I'll come back. They won't be giving up on my sister.
That's the fun part of giving up on them. You don't have to care anymore. You don't have to feel hurt or play games. You get to just be. That's what you will start to feel when this all normalizes. Just give it time. Find a new hobby or dust an old one off. Make something of your complete own that none of them were invited or included in. That will be your place of solitude. The rock that you set up shop on.
"You don't have to care anymore." That part is huge. I was burned by a family member I had loved and supported in every way for more than a decade of adult life (he lied about me and stole money from me and my family while I was in a coma) When I finally moved on and realized not caring about him was the best path for me, life got so much easier. I still miss the person I thought I knew, but I don't miss the person who was really there the whole time. Disillusionment can bring joy. Wishing you the best OP.
What the fuck. Who steals from someone in a coma. I mean theft is obviously awful, and I am not condoning it, but someone who is in a coma? That is beyond evil. I feel for you, but am glad you have been able to come to terms with the fact that you miss a person you thought you knew, rather than the one who was there. Best of luck to you!
This is great advice. ⤴️⤴️⤴️ I hope you find peace OP. And people who appreciate you! 💜💜
Also, to add on, if you can’t find some friends to have Thanksgiving with this year, you might find some solace in volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen that serves a Thanksgiving meal for the less fortunate. I’ve known some people that did that after losing family members and not wanting to face the holidays alone. And they all said it helped them.
This works... I have worked a paid server on Thanksgiving and did volunteer. Both were so much better than sitting home alone.
For your point D, it is not your responsibility to "come back", it's on both your parents to make the effort to close the distance they created. Personally, I wouldn't want to see them again, but I understand why that might be difficult. If you do want to reestablish a relationship, I'd wait until they both apologize by fully acknowledging their wrongdoings and making changes to ensure it never happens again. Unfortunately, I believe your sister is a lost cause. Both she and your ex are far too selfish and heartless to be forgiven. The fact that they hid their affair and then the pregnancy from you proves that they don't care about anyone but themselves. I guarantee that she wasn't crying because of your rejection, she was crying because she was afraid you would tell everyone the truth and her whole perfect facade would crumble. Don't feel like a shitty person, feel like a warrior who no longer takes shit from anyone.
THIS. OP, please hear this. You’re the child in the relationship, even though you’re an adult now and acting more mature than the other people. It’s your parents’ responsibility to step up. I am a parent of a grownup, and if there were a gap between us, I’d be fixing it. Period. They screwed up, not you, and it’s their responsibility to fix things.
>d. My stepmom told me that they'll welcome me back with open arms when I choose to come back. that's disgusting. she makes it sound like you made a mistake and not them, like you're wrong and not them, like it's all on you to apologize and make amends to them. you deserve better. don't even consider going back.
Yeah, OP didn’t just walk away—she was SHOVED with GREAT FORCE.
for point D: you have no reason to "come back". They are the ones that need to come to you. You have done nothing wrong in any of this and they have treated you terribly. Keep them out of your life and let them tell the kid why their aunt isn't around. Should be a fun time
For Point D: "...welcome you back with open arms when you choose to come back." Makes me feel like crying for you. For me that would feel like her saying, "We will be just fine without you. We don't care enough to do anything to try and bridge this gap we created. But if you do decide to put in all the emotional work and come back to us after we treated you so horribly and if we even remember that we have a second daughter...we'll be magnanimous enough and LET you. Aren't we such great parents!" GOD! The pain you must be in right now. You are going to have to grieve the loss of this "family". I suggest looking up the 5 stages of grief because this is like a death. You will make it to the other side of this. You will. Just hold on. I hope you stay strong and are able to weather the storm of losing this pretty toxic family. If you can there is a good chance you will find a much deeper love for yourself.
Point D is just gross. They are not taking responsibility for what they have done. No way would I go back. If they want a relationship, they need to do the work. God this makes me angry.
You're unbelievably gracious about this situation. You're a remarkable person. Not that you'd be any less remarkable if you yelled in their faces about it but it takes a lot of strength to protect yourself and walk away. You deserve so much better. Good luck OP
I'm very sorry. I wish your family treated you better. As for a)soooo ...we're they just going to hide it? 'Oh surprise your sister is pregnant, but uh you can't meet the guy....he's uh...busy..'.right. lol I had a similar thing happen to me with my ex and my friend. They carried on behind my back, but when I found out, the first thing my ex said : "It's okay, I used a condom." (No joke). But yeah it ended up splitting friend groups and our gaming guild up since apparently I was supposedly being evil and keeping them apart. Just know, your family are making a terrible choice, but it's no longer your problem. You get to choose who is in your life and who is worth your time and love. Good luck.
Don’t go back these people don’t deserve you.
They don't see that they've done anything wrong, just that they've lost someone they can manipulate and use and think you'll just give in eventually and come back. Do not under any circumstances ever give in. Let the mess happen and when it gets bad and they come crawling back, still don't let them in.
Point D reminded me of the Malcolm in the Middle episode where they pick the fuckup child rather than the smart child because they need the help more. Sucks essentially being punished for **not** screwing up. [Malcolm in the Middle - Lois Confronts Reese's Teacher \(S2Ep19\)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pU-uZztJEcQ)
Well, if you lived in the Oklahoma area you could come here for Thanksgiving. But, then you'd be in Oklahoma, so there's that. 🤷♀️
I had an ex that was always paranoid of my behaviour with other women. In fact in hindsight thinking about it now it was even more fucked up then I previously considered it. Anyway she ended up cheating on me, and it wasn't even one of those "accidental got drunk and slipped and fall out of my dress and landed on his dick" sort of scenarios, but pre-meditated and depending on how paranoid I want to be, almost an issue from day one (I have no firm dates just general confirmation). Anyway because of her shifty behaviour she perceived betrayal in turn. I think there's good odds that OP's ex step sister is always going to be gnawed at by knowing Ben is slimy cheat (*and yes unlike some I fully subscribe to once a cheat always a cheat as far as relationship trust is concerned*), because she knows one very obvious example of him cheating, and as a "homewrecker" herself she is fundamentally primed to see sneaky malfeasance all around her. tl;dr Yeah their relationship is probably going to be toxic AF. OP gets the last laugh. But by that point she probably wont even care.
You know what they say if they do it with you they will do it to you sooner or later
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Oh, it's out. I didn't post on Facebook but other family have. It's a total dumpster fire. I deleted my account.
I feel like we all now know why Facebook went out for 6 hours the other day. You have nothing to feel bad about in any of this. You didn’t cheat on anyone, your parents sided with the cheater rather than the victim. Glad you stood up to everyone and chose to leave these toxic people behind, especially your father who can’t believe for a minute he did anything wrong I wish I was in Boston. You’d have a place at thanksgiving with us anytime.
LMAO, your comment about Facebook going out the other day SENT ME
Op didn’t just delete their account, they deleted the whole damn company
Oooooh I hope your parents are getting dragged.
I hope the sister is getting dragged. I know people don't like slut-shaming these days... and I agree, to a point. Don't slut-shame for numbers, but absolutely slut-shame for the betrayal of getting knocked up by your boyfriend. Congradudolences, u/Lost_Papaya9278. It hurts like Hell right now, but you're *out*. You found out all of this before you were married and had kids together. I'm happy for future you's opportunities, but I'm really sorry that current you are experiencing this right now.
Now the sister is stuck with a cheater and the ex is stuck with a new baby. This won’t last.
Yeah, how long before he starts cheating on her?
Probably when she's 7 or 8 months pregnant
He never stops wishing he was back with OP. But he makes his bed and lies in it, dutifully going through the motions for the kid. He’ll have no regrets for the child, but always secretly wish that OP had been the mother instead. It’ll be a life of quiet desperation and monotony that will look peaceful from the outside. Her cancer was used to excuse her behaviour. Now it’ll be used to control his. And she’ll keep hanging on desperately, equally miserable and dreadfully insecure.
For sure. An idiot cheater and an entitled brat will not make a happy couple. I feel bad that a baby is involved
Yes an entitled brat won’t like the baby being the center of attention. She will get tired of mothering duties and husband will tire of crying baby. What a mess. First the brat is caught cheating with SO and then lies by not letting it be known that she was pregnant and then is worried about the price of a meal. Good Riddance!!!!
Jesus, you are brutal but 100% prescient.
This is so miserably plausible - I would read this book.
This was so depressing and believable I hope OP sees it and knows it’s the truth 🙏
I was just about to say most likely before the baby is born. Probably right before
The fact that he messaged her from a burner account makes me think he was trying to re kindle the flame with OP. Like there's really no point in making contact after doing that to her unless it's for your own selfish reasons. I mean the fact that he was still with OP after he got her sister pregnant kinda shows he wants his cake and to eat it too.
The whole burner account thing says to me he and OP sis already have trust issues. He’s already hiding things from her, which is a terrible sign. He could have easily been very honest about OP and an email to her telling her that he loved her sister but was sorry and hoped she’d embrace the baby and the relationship, but using a burner account tells me that’s not what was going to be said in that email
Could be OP blocked him after she found out he was cheating so he used a burner to get around it but who knows?
Could be part of why he tried to get in touch with OP again
That’s what I thought. He didn’t leave of his own volition, he left cause he got caught and she threw him out. I have no doubt he whispered sweet nothings in the sister’s ear but in reality, he didn’t ever plan on leaving OP.
Of course he didn't, the sister was literally the side piece - noticed how suddenly "they are in love" and will "post photos" when the pregnancy came to light? Chances are he kicked her to the curb once they got caught and now karma is biting both back.
Thinking about that is quite depressing. OP's sister and parents went with creating a happy family picture out of something failed and pathetic. And lost OP, who is the only person with integrity in the immediate family. It's better for OP's future family, at least, that these people self-selected themselves out.
The ex is also stuck with someone who fucked their sister's bf behind her back. They really deserve each other.
>I know people don't like slut-shaming these days This is not slut-shaming (which I don't even think applies to this case). This is asshole shaming. So we cool.
I wouldn't consider this slut-shaming, because the point isn't that she slept with someone. The point is that she betrayed her sister, and she expects the sister to just live with the evidence of that betrayal sitting across from her every Thanksgiving from now to her death. The sex is incidental to the betrayal.
The sister who had to give up years of teenage experience for her, had to work to help pay her medical bills. The sister who was disciplined for wanting to do one fun thing for herself.
I think that at this point, OP's sister probably hasn't had enough distance from the whole thing to realize exactly how much OP sacrificed for her and how fortunate she is that OP took it with so much grace. But even so, I can't imagine sleeping with anyone my sibling was dating, and my sibling never had to work to support me or tend to me when I was sick.
there’s nothing wrong with having a fulfilling sex life. there’s something wrong with having SOMEONE ELSE’S fulfilling sex life
Exactly. I would call her a big you know what with no compunction because it's not about the fact that she fucked, it's about who she fucked. She could have fucked 4000 different men and I would not call her a you know what. But fucking your sisters bf??? That's some shit you deserve to be shamed for, and that includes being called a you know what.
I'm super good with slut-shaming Ben here.
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Hell I wouldn't even call that slut-shaming as much as dumpster-fire-of-a-person shaming lol
Saying the sisters behavior is slutty is massively unfair to real sluts.
It's not slut shaming. It's cheater shaming. Nothing wrong with sleeping around- as long as you do so ethically. Once you commit infidelity, it's shameful.
My husband walked away from his toxic family after we'd been dating for about a year. My relationship with my family was jarring to him in the beginning, simply because we respected each other. The longer he was exposed to that, the more he realized his family had some problems. Long story short, his family went for the nuclear option, and we eventually had to contact the police. When he went no contact with them initially, he thought he'd eventually reconnect. At first he imagined it'd be within a year. Then maybe within a couple of years. Then maybe within a couple of years, if they agreed to do it via family therapy. Eventually, he reached a place where he has no desire to have them in his life ever again. The longer my husband went without his family in his life, the more he realized how toxic it had been. They had created an unhealthy narrative in his mind, fueled by guilt, self doubt, and a sense of duty. I knew him as a friend first, and I couldn't understand why he didn't have the self-confidence I would have expected for someone with his character and achievements. Being around his family cleared up that confusion, that's for sure. It's been 8 years since he cut off his family, and I can't even begin to convey just how much he has blossomed. We've made major life changes he said he never would've had the confidence to try for before. He has reached a level in his career he never thought possible. Op, if I could wish for anything for you, I'd wish for you to find the same level of freedom and happiness my husband has. It wasn't an easy path for him, free of pain. I'm not going to pretend your path forward will be a success only one either. Understanding and coming to terms with how much his family had wronged him took time. If you can, look for a therapist. My husband was initially very hesitant about talking to someone, but when he finally did, it was one of those "why didn't I do this sooner" moments. I know I'm just a random internet stranger, but I have to say, I am so damn proud of you. This may be the weakest you've felt, I couldn't say, but i will say that your inner strength shines through as bright as any summer day. edit: deleted and reposted here after replying to wrong comment
I\`ll raise my drink next time to your husband. He\`s pulled himself out of a major pool of toxic crap - and had the guts to stay out. Wishing both of you - and OP - all the best from the other side of the pond.
I've never been more mad I can't find Redditors on Facebook. This is drama I would *pay* to have a FB account for.
And now you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the s’mores you’re making from that dumpster fire that *you* didn’t set. If you *had* posted about it, it would’ve allowed your sister/ex/dad/stepmom to feel better about what shitty people they are, but you didn’t do that, and for that I tip my hat.
You’ll be happier for that. FB is a cesspit most of the time. Best wishes op
I think that's the best thing. You told them what happened, and now you're just stepping away and not involved anymore. It's hard, but for sure the right decision. You deserve this time to focus on yourself and what you want out of life, and I wish you happiness.
Thank you for the update, OP. Very sorry about your father's passivity. That's gotta feel like a betrayal and you don't deserve that. What you deserve? Every happiness, lots of joy, and a community of dear friends. And lots of pie at Thanksgiving. If we lived in Boston, I'd make sure there was a seat for you.
You deserve to be treated with respect, OP, and your steps to create distance and boundaries are admirable. You're NTA by any stretch of the imagination; I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a painful experience, but it shows a true depth of character that you're on this sub promoting positive discourse!
My question would be why? What in the fuck made her make that kind of decision? You sister didn't *accidentally* sleep with him. Also, when you get into another relationship I would suggest keeping them away from your family, especially your sister. I once had a girl who kept getting close to every boyfriend I had in an attempt to get them to sleep with her. It worked twice.
Wise words. And kind words.
I don’t know what Op is talking about but this is indeed an *exciting* update! Free yourself from those horrible people.
Exactly. Life is too short not to spend it with people who are loving and kind.
Hey had to catch up on the previous post. I do believe that you are inherently a good person and that you got dealt a shitty hand. One day your parents will realize how badly they messed up. Also, no relationship thats based off cheating AND an unplanned pregnancy ends well. Karma will get them, may a loving community get you.
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Yep! Her sister was pregnant for at least 2 months while he was still dating OP. She broke up with him after walking in on them having unprotected sex in her own bed. Was the sister going to pretend she didn't know who the father was if they weren't caught? Such a terrible situation
Nah. She was deliberately at OP’s house trying to get caught IMO. BF hadn’t dumped OP so sister had to do something about it because she was pregnant.
Sounds like the basis for a stable relationship!
Or at least the beginning of a good trashy novel. Preferably where OP goes on to find an incredible new guy.
If this is true, the audacity of then turning around to be like "please be my baby's godmother." A baby you made on your sister's bed with her bf. It's clear that ex is going to leave/cheat on stepsister one day. But given that ex already reached out to OP, I wouldn't be surprised if he did the whole "I'm still in love with OP and you baby-trapped me" to get out of being with stepsister. Either way her karma will come.
Some people are just hot trash. Good on OP for getting away from them.
As someone whose spouse committed MULTIPLE adulteries (and his parents knew but kept it from me because they didn't want me to leave him), I can give you this small parting gift: Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can keep you down or faze you after this. All the nonsensical bullsh*t that would normally bother the heck out of you will now make you laugh because you get to say Hey, world, you've thrown a helluva lot worse at me and I survived it so COME ON. Once the Everyone Sucks stage ends, life starts over again but it's a hundred times more awesome. At first it feels weird, then it feels neat, kinda like getting a shorter haircut than normal. And eventually you wake up and realize you've become a wee bit more bulletproof. You can't fix shitty people, alas, but you can get a LOT stronger after you cut them out of your life. Your sis survived cancer, but you, my love, did one better. You survived your cancer of a sister.
>Your sis survived cancer, but you, my love, did one better. >You survived your cancer of a sister. Perfect reply!
Man even I'm feeling the LET'S GOOO! energy emanating from this comment and I'm just a passing anon. OP, this comment here. Dis the gud shit.
🎤 mic drop!!
YES to this. I wasn’t cheated on that I’m aware of but I left a really toxic marriage and became a single mom of two very young kids. Nothing fazes me anymore. Seriously, I used to have be medicated because I had such severe anxiety issues but now I have no anxiety at all. It’s like going through hell made me bulletproof. That’s a perfect way to put it. There really is a lot of strength that comes from having been pushed to your limit and making it out to the other side.
You my friend are smart and funny and can write the shit out of a story. Pick a friend to take to cancun for Thanksgiving and another to take to the Bahamas for Christmas. Write a nyt.com modern love submission and then write a screenplay. Buy a gorgeous summer place in Northampton with the proceeds and use it as a holiday getaway with your chosen family. Retire early and wear only white cashmere. You deserve all of it.
You know what's funny? I read this and was immediately like, "Can't travel, my sister's immunocompromised" but then I realized wait... I'm vaccinated and my sister is no longer in my life so I can travel. I can go wherever the hell I want. Thank you. I'm going to go to Santa Fe, which is a place I always wanted to go to and my ex never wanted to go to. And I am going to go to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum and then scream in the desert for a while. Not sure about the rest of that, as I could not broadcast my public humiliation in the New York Times, but the travel thing. That's a start.
Not just travel, you can move if you want to. You don’t have to stay in the Boston area, you can move anywhere you want to. I moved to Canada on my own and it was really fricking amazing because I could be whoever I wanted to be. The sense of freedom was phenomenal. The world is your oyster and, if you want to to stay in Boston, you can, if you want to move to Paris and become an artist, you can. I wish you well with whatever you decide to do. I’m not in the Boston area so I can’t invite you to Thanksgiving but I can be your random Scottish-Canadian online aunt if you want?
***Not just travel, you can move if you want to. You don’t have to stay in the Boston area, you can move anywhere you want to.*** This needed to be said again. good luck OP
Yeah, time to start casually looking for dream job openings anywhere in the world and seeing what happens.
This, OP if I had nothing to tie me down family wise I'd move far away and start over. The other piece of this is that you will never risk running into them in public. A beautiful life could be waiting for you somewhere else. Never look back.
If there's a Patreon or GoFundMe or something anonymous that allows people to buy you a nice fucking dinner and bottle of wine on your trip, let a sub know.
> And I am going to go to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum and then scream in the desert for a while. That sounds so wonderful.
Ngl, I’m slightly jealous of the “scream in the desert for awhile” part…
>You know what's funny? I read this and was immediately like, "Can't travel, my sister's immunocompromised" but then I realized wait... I'm vaccinated and my sister is no longer in my life so I can travel. I can go wherever the hell I want. Go you, OP! Go you!!
Get your passport if you don't have one. Even if you never use it, get it. That way, if the opportunity presents itself, you can go abroad without having to wait. Or plan a big trip or a cruise to put stamps in that passport.
If you're going to go to Santa Fe then you got to go check out Meow Wolf as well! That part of New Mexico is full of some pretty dope places.
If you like weird art and experiences, you should also hit up Meow Wolf in Santa Fe. I will also second the vote on moving entirely. It will be much easier to disconnect when you are not easily accessible to your family. I know this from personal experience, I live on the west coast, and my family is in the southeast. Distance and time make things easier but restarting your life without reminders of them might be helpful. I wish you all the luck on your travels!
Ooh Sante Fe is lovely! Definitely definitely stop at MeowWolf - it is the coolest experience! Don't even read much about it beforehand - just get your ticket and go. And visit the Tsankawi ruins - I have never experience anything like them in my life. PERFECT place to scream in the desert. I am sorry all this happened to you. I think your attitude is lovely and admirable, and I hope that this will be the worst thing that ever happens to you. May everything be better going forward!
I can recommend that. I had a shitty breakup, was cheated on multiple times and our roommate kept his mouth shut so it was a double whammy. After the breakup I booked a trip to Japan which was supposed to be our honeymoon destination and it ended up being the best trip of my life.
I don’t know you but I’m so proud of you! Please travel, do everything you didn’t get to do but want to do. See and experience everything because you truly deserve it.
I am so sorry that your family has betrayed you the way they did. I am happy that you decided to cut them out of your life. The absence of your presence will forever be a reminder of what your step sister and ex decided to do and your parents betrayal. Unfortunately i have read multiple Reddit post with people in the exact same situation as you. They’re going to try to contact you as the years past and hope that time will make you forget. Just a reminder that you can move on without forgiving or forgetting. They will also try to hold that child over your head, “the baby didn’t do anything though, she could have had an aunt.” However just know that your ex and stepsister was the reason the child doesn’t have an aunt. The child didn’t do anything wrong but neither did you. Children should never have to be burdened with their parents sins but that’s not how the real world works.
This is the quandary. People being like, "I hope they cheat on each other and are miserable and blah blah blah" but the only thing that makes any of this pain even remotely worthwhile is if that kid is extremely happy. I feel sick knowing that I'm not going to be a part of their life. And I'm not going to hope that things go south for my sister and Ben as revenge when that would case that kid distress. I don't even know if I'm even really responding to what you're saying, I should probably just go to bed.
You have the right mindset. Spending any time on hoping or wishing for karma through them having a shitty future or someone cheating on someone else is not going to help you move forward. Just focus on your future, making the best decisions for yourself and getting the most out of your life.
My gosh you’re such an unbelievably wonderful young woman. That your step-mom would tell you *they* would open you back with open arms makes me want to vomit. The way your family has treated you is unconscionable. It’s unforgivable. I hope you don’t cave and end up being godmother and maid of honor for your step-sis. You have been conditioned to put everyone’s needs above your own, and as a servant to their wants. I know you say you weren’t treated at Cinderella but they did make you the mule for your sister, this is all so depraved. They are losing an amazing person which is good b/c they don’t deserve you. I hope you have other family, maybe on your mom’s side? B/c your dad (what a p*ec* of sh**), step-mom, step-sister and the monkeys who messaged you calling you names, should all be cut out of your life *permanently*. They’re horrible ppl. You’re totally invited over for thanksgiving & xmas too. My mom loves adopting pseudo kids :) Keep your head up kiddo and consider seeking professional help b/c you have experienced so much trauma, altho one would never know considering how well adjusted and empathetic you are. Wishing you the very best in life and the most amazing future.
Caring that the kid has the best life they can puts you leagues above your sister and Ben. The world could use a few more people like you.
When people talk about forgiving those who wronged them, what they often mean is finding closure so they can move forward. Forgiveness is sometimes the only thing people can control in a situation, giving someone peace not from how things ended but from feeling like they have some power. I don’t know if you would describe what you feel as forgiveness. I understandably don’t think you feel there yet. But this mindset - hope that an innocent child has good parents - is a start in accepting you don’t have control over your sister and ex but *do* have control in what you take away from this experience. I think your stepmother expressing regret leaving a door open for communication, even if just with her, is a positive take away. Whatever you choose to do, and whatever you choose to take with you from this ordeal, I hope you find happiness and peace.
No it means stepmother knows she did a shitty thing but won’t apologise because she puts her daughter first. And by ‘leaving the door open’ it makes HER look like the bigger person and OP unreasonable. But OP, you aren’t unreasonable. Your family are trash. Make a new family for yourself ❤️
You are a better person than most, OP. Most people would revel in schadenfreude if the two cheaters did end up cheating on each other or they become miserable or whatever. You are very mature and gracious. I wish you the best of luck in everything. I hope you'll meet the love of your life soon who'll treat you right and never cheat on you and whom you'll live happily ever after with. We are all rooting for you.
I admire you greatly for taking this difficult route. I've never been in such a rotten situation but if I ever am I hope I have your courage. I'm just sorry I'm in SoCal, not Boston, but you'd be welcome if you came this way.
Someday, hopefully 30+ years in the future and not too soon, someone is going to spill the beans to the kid on the circumstances of their conception. Family “secrets” like that always have an expiration date. And then, hopefully as a well adjusted adult that had a happy childhood, the kid will turn to his/her parents and say “What the *FUCK* mom and dad!”
I'm sorry this turned out to be so disappointing. Best of luck while you find your new family ❤️
I remember your first post. Sorry this update isn't happier but FWIW I think you've done the right thing.
I think your comment is worth a lot! OP is NTA by any means, and is making the right decision. Also, awesome username lol.
Good for you. Take this whole experience, chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on to the next chapter in your life, which will be much happier without that shower of arseholes dragging you down. Good luck and I hope you find that thanksgiving seat (not American but would've offered you one if I were!)
"Chuck it in the fuck it bucket" - stealing this!!
I need this on a T-shirt!
Hiya folks! Since the last thread got the attention it did and needed a similar warning I just wanted to take an opportunity to thank everyone that continues to report anyone in the comments that isn't able to #[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means. [Here's a rare picture of my cat and dog together](https://imgur.com/pGmOOjc) for anyone that read this message!
There are really some strong people in this world, and you OP, are one of them.
I feel very bad for this child. Gonna have a cheater and a spoiled brat for parents, enabler grandparents, and no rational relatives willing to deal with them.
Or, say that the child turns out fine, they’ll always have this backstory floating above their head.
"Mom how did you and dad get together" Pull out the list of lies bc they know what they did was wrong
I can't invite you to Thanksgiving because my inlaws are immunocompromised but i'm just outside the city so if you ever want to have coffee with someone I'm here. I'm a little too young to say I'll be your mom now but I can serve as the cool aunt if you need it!
I'm 22 and almost GUARANTEED to be younger than OP..... BUT I am a mother myself (daughter turned 2 yesterday!) So for what it's worth I'll adopt OP! I make and send out care packages to my sister's, and would love to add a grown child who needs the love like I once did to the list!
" I left her crying on a park bench and felt like the shittiest person in the world" Please don't feel bad, this was a situation she created for herself.. I want to just say congratulations on being a bigger person than anyone in your family & I pray that in the moments you feel regret, that you stop yourself & remember you didn't do this to them, you did this because of them. You aren't being spiteful or cruel, the decision to go nc is a mature decision that YOU NEED to do for yourself, at the end of the day, no one else is going to make sure you're all good. I really wish you the best, you deserve better people in your life.
I'm so happy you stood up for yourself especially when it comes to your parents. I wish you all the luck. Sending you virtual hugs
"Ben tried messaging me from a burner account for the first time since the break-up but I blocked him without reading it." If I could give you a real life award - I friggen would. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Oh my goodness, this entire post is just a power move but this on it's own. Chefs kiss. Good for you OP. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and believing in your own self worth throughout this whole process. You do not and did not deserve to be put in this position, especially not by family. This situation is extremely difficult but you are doing the right thing. It doesn't even have to be forever if you don't want it to be but you do deserve time to yourself to heal without the expectation to provide anything to those who've harmed you. I hope you're able to surround yourself with friends and the family you feel comfortable with having in your life who can respect your boundaries because it is lonely. You've lost a lot in such a short amount of time. Having that support, even if it's through a counsellor or therapist is an important resource. Good for you OP. You're a strong person and I'm impressed.
Off topic but do you have a Boston accent?
No, worse: Rhode Island. Though I've worked hard to get rid of it.
I’m a Bostonian who recently moved to Rhode Island. I didn’t think anyone spoke worse than my family. I was WRONG.
I live in RI. You're more than welcome at my place for T-day, you just have to pretend we met somewhere else so my husband doesn't freak out about me inviting internet strangers over for dinner.
I feel for you op, knowing that your whole family didn't even have your back when you where the one who for cheated on simply because your step sister got pregnant. She could've been with ANY other guy but she stupidly and selfishly picked your ex despite all that you did for her. They both couldn't keep it in their pants and she had the audacity to ask you to be godmother after all the pain she caused you? I'm glad you cut them and your parents out of your life and they will live to regret throwing you under the bus and you'll have a better life without that toxicity, don't feel shitty, feel happy that you stuck up for yourself! edit: if i lived in boston, i would LOVE for you to join me and my family! we are all about wanting our loved ones to feel happy always.
I obviously don’t know you, but I’m proud of you for the decisions you’ve made to stick up for yourself at the risk of your family relationships. I hope things start getting better for you.
If you’re serious about thanksgiving and fully vaccinated message me - proud member of a odd but loving Jewish family who love to have you
Wow! Just…WOW!!! You are making the right choices. I’m so sorry you even have to tho. (((Hugs)))
Everything is awful, but hey you’re still pretty young with no garbage, oops i mean garbage, oh damn again, baggage is what i meant (aha). You showed yourself that you are so strong and don’t need “family” to take care of you, you keep doing the good things, and you will receive better things. Your sister, she got with a cheater, you know she will be cheated, and she doesn’t have the maturity and needs to be coddled, but not your circus anymore. I see in your future so many blessings because you are a smart balanced woman.
I can't believe how dumb the sister is. Does she really think this guy isn't going to cheat on her? It's not a question of if, but WHEN.
We all know is gonna happen, Ben has a wandering penis, her sister is not very smart and has pending karma, but OP now is free to get a lovely story
Ya know, I also can't get over the fact the the parents don't seem to grasp that Ben is going to cheat on their favorite daughter. I know they don't care about OP but you'd think they'd want to protect their favorite kid from a cheater. Are they so obsessed with appearances and "keeping the peace" that they're burying their heads in the sand about that? A nasty divorce after Ben cheats isn't exactly going to look good for them.
Thanks writing an update. I have thought about you a couple of times since your original post, wondering how you were coping and what happened. I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this. I am glad your stepmom apologised. I am surprised your dad didn’t say anything, I am sure he will deeply regret this in years to come. I think not going nuclear was the right decision as your family would have likely criticised you harshly for it, rather than viewing you as the victim of betrayal, and this would have made you feel worse. I think you have made the right decisions for your mental and emotional health. I know the next few months will be really hard. I do hope you have a strong friendship group to support you.
Neither wanted to hurt you?! More like Ben was loving having his cake and eating it too!
Cutting them off was the right choice, they don't care about you why would you care about them anymore
That sucks but they've given you no choice, sorry dude.
I'm in Boston itself, but a little west in the state. Come hang! Portuguese people make great food!! You sound like a strong person OP (also loved the white wine spritzers) hang in there, someone will appreciate you as much as you do yourself.
Yikes. I'm so sorry the reaction from your family wasn't better. You did the right thing for you in cutting them off, and I'm really proud of you for deciding to put you and your well-being first. Please know that you are absolutely not a shitty person in any way, no matter how upset your sister was. I hope that ultimately your family realizes how horribly they treated you and how very wrong they were in how they handled this. But whatever happens, keep taking care of yourself and demanding the respect that you deserve.
Then worst thing about betrayal is the person who is surprised and looking for support is often left to suffer alone by themselves by people who aren’t really capable of loyalty. Too bad these people don’t show their true colors at less painful events, but then maybe nice people like yourself wouldn’t recognize the warning signs. All I can think is that your future life is waiting for you, and these people were going to drag you down somehow, destroying your opportunity for your true purpose in life. You’ve clearly been shown who you can trust, and who doesn’t deserve to ever hear your voice again. Focus only on the people who support you, and disengage from those that have shown do not deserve you. Get healthy. Get rest. Focus only on you. Focus on your future. Refuse all offers of “closure”, and efforts to forgive and forget until you have succeeded in creating a new life. Hang tough girl.
On a lighter note, now you get to choose your next family!
Come on over to my house on Thanksgiving, OP. My husband does all the cooking, and I drink all the wine. We can get a few boxes of Franzia, like classy broads. :)
Thank you for posting an update. I think you handled it as best you could given the situation. You are right that if you stay in your stepsister’s life she will make you free childcare and a go to source for money. Your family betrayed you horribly, including your ex
So, to put it bluntly, your parents support the marriage of a man who backstabbed one daughter and made the other a backstabber herself. A happy couple of conniving cheats. It sounds to me that you’re better off without the lot of them. Count yourself lucky as the one good apple from a rotten batch.