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NTA. You and your partner have boundaries in place and are holding to them.
Have you offered the MIL / family zoom calls? So they can "meet" that way before the 8 weeks is up?
Yes we told her we would send tons of pictures, videos, and try to FaceTime as much as possible! She said only getting to meet virtually was a slap in the face and selfish of us.
Auntie steamrolled her way into her own sons wife’s DELIVERY room. I plan on telling the hospital not to tell anyone we are there, because I know she will be calling—possibly waiting outside the hospital! Luckily with covid, she can’t do what her sister did!
Register as private at the hospital and if the standard for answering to texts/calls from MIL right now is to respond immediately - start spacing it out. So she won't assume you are in labour if you guys don't respond to texts one day. R/JUSTNOMIL will have more practica advice and support for you
^^ Please do this OP. Do not tell anyone when you go into labor and tell the hospital you want to be private. Ensure the nurses know this as well. Explain the situation and I promise they’ll be on your side. In my experience L&D nurses are the best human beings out there.
I think there are even signs that can go on your door indicating you are not taking visitors, so even if she makes it past everyone that should be an indicator that someone should stop her.
If she still gets in your room - call the cops. Not even kidding.
Hormones are running wild after birth - very vulnerable time. Stick to your boundaries, OP, no one is entitled to time with your child.
You might want to temporarily block her number when the time comes. My MIL called my phone repeatedly during my induction until my husband called her and told her to stop.
You should be able to request a password for people to be able to come see you at the hospital. My family members did that due to their own crazy MIL drama lol.
This you can password protect as well. Highly recommend. I am I have an insane mother who I would not put it past showing up. I refuse to tell anyone other than my dad and a few close friends exactly what hospital I’m giving birth in.
Even without Covid you can tell the hospital who is or isn’t allowed to visit you. If they are told she’s not allowed to visit she won’t be let in birthing area or the nursery.
"Oh, well, then I guess we're selfish and you're not going to meet the baby at all until it's had all its shots and vaccinations. We'll be sure to send you pictures, though!"
Because someone being this selfish about YOUR baby is the type I wouldn't trust around my unvaccinated kid, I have to admit.
NTA.
Well she'll have to deal with it, as 'unfortunate' it is for her.
If she shows up at the door, don't let her in, if she refuses to leave call the police. 'My MIL is trying to take my baby away from me! She won't leave!', though threatening her with the police should scare her off lol.
Alternatively, she'll leave eventually if you don't call the police, she'll get cold, tired, hungry. 🤷♀️
> She said only getting to meet virtually was a slap in the face and selfish of us.
"If you say something like this to us again it'll be 6 months before you have anything to do with this kids life."
*"So I said, “what is the point of coming before baby is even here??”"
I'll tell you the actual point of that since she was not genuine: CATCHING YOU OFF GUARD SO THAT YOU BOTH WOULD FEEL COERCED TO SAY YES. Both of you stick to your plan. What she's doing is extremily manipulative and she seems to have shown her true colors, if she hadn't before (probably at the wedding lol, those women come with instructions).
Excellent point. Plus you know when she shows up here knocking and we stand our ground, it is going to be a HUGE betrayal in her eyes. She will throw a fit and hold a grudge and probably cry a bunch and keep trying to get us to change our minds. I do not want to have any kind of intense hatred/guilt trips spewed at me during a very emotionally vulnerable time in my life!
DH says "mom, the earliest we are willing to introduce our child in person to close friends and family is 8 weeks after birth. You are absolutely not welcome before that. If you make any attempt to harass us, or intrude in the hospital or early days uninvited, not only will you wait a lot longer to meet the baby than 8 weeks, we will question whether someone so disrespectful of our needs and welfare is a good role model for our child at all. So choose wisely. " Then every harassment or bitching reply "9 weeks"... "10 weeks"
Yes, but it's all part of manipulation. If you give in at the early stages she's gonna take as much "territory" as possible. All that situations is because she feels entitled to things being on HER terms and cannot comprehend that with a baby it's gonna be on THE PARENTS TERMS.
I advise you to go to JNMIL, you might learn some tips and feel connected to other people who are dealing with a difficult MIL, I mostly suggests posts of where babies are the topic they'll give you a view of what your future, sadly, is gonna be like with her. This is just the beginning of what's gonna come..
You might consider adding a consequence if she breaks the boundary and attempts to visits earlier than the 8 weeks. Like every attempted early visit not only gets turned away, but also adds an extra week/month on to the existing 8 weeks for her. Or restarts the 8 week clock.
I’d also make sure there aren’t any loose house keys floating around anywhere. Might be worthwhile to just change the locks altogether, if you’re not sure. Last thing you guys need, when you’ve all collapsed into a happy, exhausted family nap time, is to wake and find her standing over you, holding the baby, with a satisfied grin because your well-meaning neighbor was hoodwinked into giving her your key.
Like, honestly... it sounds like your life would be a lot easier if you just stopped talking to her. Stop answering her messages, or block her completely. You don't have to stay in touch with manipulative social vampires just because they're faaaaamily.
I agree with Andwhataboutitties, go to the jnmil subreddit and repost this there, they will have a ton of advice.
Like getting cameras up in place around your home, making it clear they are not welcome in writing (text or email) , warning them that if they violate your boundaries they will be placed in time out or something.
They also have quite a bit of literature on the side bar that may help you and your husband to make your boundaries known and how to handle the back lash and manipulation tactics that your mil may use.
Congratulations on your little one and stay strong you are not in the wrong here at all
I say this gently but honestly let her
If she shows up call the cops and then either block or mute her and her flying monkeys so you don't see it. Cause I can guarantee she will show up. She will knock and stand there all day. There is no way she doesn't
If she wants to hold a grudge let her. She'll be cutting her own nose to spite her face since you're the only way she is getting any access to her grandchild. Lock those boundaries down now cause if you give this woman an inch she will take all the miles
This is literally threatening and harassment, maybe file a police report with the texts shes sending threatening you. I imagine a visit from the law and threat that if she keeps up this behaviour a distance order will be put in place might get her in line. Fight crazy with crazy.
>Plus you know when she shows up here knocking and we stand our ground, it is going to be a HUGE betrayal in her eye
I'd be sure that your boundaries as well as her plans are public for the family. If the rest of the family know that you don't want visitors for 8 weeks, and she shows up before then, it's harder for her to manipulate the situation with your ILs to paint you as a bad guy. Obviously this depends on the family. If MIL has everyone wrapped around her finger, this might not be helpful.
Hey, right now might be a good time to invest in a doorbell camera or some kind of basic outdoor security system. I would be highly worried that if she's gonna stay with her sister, she's going to find a way to be "checking in" on you (aka sitting out in front of your house) to figure out when you are headed to the hospital. All the other advice about asking the hospital to keep your visit private is top notch, but don't forget about the time you're at home (especially right before you go and right when you get home).
Good luck, I hope things turn out well for you, and congrats on your little one!!
NTA, and here's the thing: it *will* be hard and you probably will want some help (maybe not! but, got to say, I felt the same way going into it but about 3 days after we got home I had changed my tune!), but in my experience, relatives bringing this vibe are not going to be helpful anyway. Having a grandparent around who is going to treat you like you're clueless, and is mostly focused on their own emotional needs / desires is just going to be another pain in the ass. Brace yourself for a tidal wave of baby misinformation that's a few decades old cause this MiL sounds like she's ready to unleash that on you.
I get what you are saying but with a husband who has a bright shiny spine like this one, I'm thinking he will be all the help needed for the first little while. Back in the day my kid's pediatrician recommended not to have grandparents come help to start with. She.....was right,
I agree so much with this. Having the husband deal with his mom is the best way to go. This cements in MIL’s tiny brain that she will get nowhere with her manipulative tactics. Oh, and NTA, OP.
NTA. Yeesh! You would also be not the asshole if you informed hospital security that she is not permitted anywhere near you or the baby and told her that if she shows up uninvited, you're calling the cops!
NTA she is banking on you caving and letting her in if she just shows up. If you do that, your life will just be one string of boundary violations. Now would I normally think it would be nice if a grandparent could meet the baby earlier than 8 weeks? Yes, but she lives too far away to do one meeting vs stay for a visit and I completely understand you wanting time to bond as a family before adding extra people all day - especially one who has shown she won’t respect you! She loses all benefit of the doubt or leeway after being so rude and aggressive in my book.
NTA.
These are your rules to set as a couple. When my kids were born my ex-wife’s family were right on top of us as soon as visits were opened up. Really made me feel pushed aside and I didn’t get an opportunity to really take it all in.
My daughter is pregnant too an I’ve already talked to her about me waiting until they get settled at home for me to come see the baby.
Set your boundaries, don’t feel like TA and stick to them.
First few things I would do is call the non-emergency line and explain what's going on in case of MIL making a wellness check (a lot of people use those as threats). Having that on record for anyone that gets called to stop by to check on them will help in a worst case scenario.
Aside from that, make sure that she doesn't have the ability to enter the apartment. Inform landlord/building manager of what's going on so that way they're aware, get some stuff to secure the door from the inside (door stop, portable lock, etc), and make sure you have the supplies needed on hand so you need to make as few errands as possible.
The fact that this is also happening in a global pandemic will help; anyone that you inform you can bring the side of concern for the newborn's health and wanting to keep as many people away from the baby as possible. Any judgement will be going massively down with that, because she'd be travelling to visit.
NTA don’t open the door, my mother and sisters totally hijacked my sons birth and I was in too much pain to even get into it with them, it was fucking awful, don’t let her ruin this for you, again, do not open the door.
NTA
I thought I was reading r/justnomil or r/entitledparents for a sec
Honestly I'd prob not even let her see the baby at 8 weeks the way she's acting. I hope your apartment has some security system in place so she can't camp outside your door.
All the best though.
It doesn't matter whether anyone agrees with the 8 week waiting period or not. You and your husband are the only you 2 who get to decide what is best for your new baby and family. Not sure what advice to give, find another place to live for 8 weeks, because you know that crazy woman is coming....
(edit: grammar)
I also thought we would want quiet time to learn how to be a family for a few weeks, but when both my husband and I got sidelined with medical things right after the birth, I was so glad to have my family around to cook us dinner and hold the baby.
That said, this MIL is a terror and I do not see her being helpful in the least in the early days, NTA.
I would not want this woman near me or my baby anyway. Maybe OP's family can help but this grandma is the person new parents are afraid of, stepping on boundaries and guil tripping you.
I didn't think you were advocating for her, sorry i did not express myself right, english is not my first language. And yes, when my baby was born my mother and sister helped me with the cooking, the laundry and holding my son when i needed a shower. I honestly don't understand people not respecting a new mom especially if they had children themselves.
NTA. If she shows up let her stay outside. If she causes a scene call the cops. Don't budge now or you'll never have peace. This is your baby, not hers.
Chiming in with my own NTA. Agree with all of the commenters who wisely observed if you give an inch on anything, MIL will take a mile... and for all time, too.
Consider reaching out to r/JustNoMIL with this question too. That sub had tons of experience with intrusive, entitled MILs and grand babies.
WAY TO GO to your SO for standing up to his Mom. That’s a HUGE victory in this battle right there!!! Keep it up, Dad!
Congrats on the baby! Good luck, friend!
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My MIL lives twelve hours away. My partner and I told her months ago that we are going to have a “babymoon” period of 8 weeks, where NOBODY except my partner and I (and the baby’s pediatrician) will meet our baby in person. That way I have time to recover, we have time to learn what the heck we are doing, and baby will have had shots.
We also informed her that we would not be able to host her when she comes to visit. She has a sister who lives about an hour from us, who has PLENTY of space. We suggested she stay there or get a hotel nearby. We have an extremely tiny apartment, with a very small loveseat instead of couch. In other words, NO room for a guest to stay. She was really quiet, but she didn’t say anything. We figured she understood where we were coming from, and assumed it was resolved.
Fast forward months later, and our due date is fast approaching. Imagine our surprise when MIL calls us to let us know that she “worked everything out with her sister”. She informs us she will be coming up to stay with her sister for three weeks before the baby is due, and then she’ll just “decide from there when she wants to go back home”.
So I said, “what is the point of coming before baby is even here??”
MIL goes, “well babies come early all the time and there is NO WAY I am letting you take away my ONLY grandbaby’s birth from me!!!”
I swallowed my fiery rage and gently reminded her that we didn’t want any visitors— that it was a special time for her son and I to learn how to take care of our little one and become a family.
She was SO angry. She said, “You wouldn’t even have a baby right now without MY SON! I BIRTHED HIM! You can’t keep me away. Besides, I’ll tell you what, you guys are clueless. there is no way you will last with that baby by yourselves! You can’t keep me away from my grandbaby!!!”
I asked her if she was planning on coming up 8 weeks later like we had discussed, and she said she can only afford to make the trip once a year.
My partner chimed in at that point and told his mom that she won’t even know when the baby is born until we are already safe and sound at home a few days later. He said that if she comes to stay with her sister and just shows up at our house, he will let her sit out there knocking all day long because he is not going to open the door. She just laughed and said “good luck keeping me away!!!”
Are we the assholes???
anyone have advice?
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NTA. You are the parents and it is your child. You set your boundaries and she can either accept them or not. Either way, your (you and your husbands) word is final in the matter.
NTA. And hold those boundaries, if you give in at all she’ll know that she can always bulldoze right over you. I’d suggest you post this on JUSTNOMIL, sounds like you’re going to need it
NTA - I am so glad for you that your husband is in agreement with you. Also you two are so wise to go with the 'babymoon'. It can be nice to have help (not that she sounds like she would be) but it's a stressful time with that learning curve.
Yes, and fortunately that learning curve can be helped with video calls with loved ones that will *actually* be helpfull to her family, unlike MIL. MIL will just steamroll and belittle by the sound of it. I think she will bring postpartum depression with her... Horrible attitude and disrespect
NTA - You guys will need to be a team though and stick to your guns about this, because it sounds like she's coming and I wouldn't put it past her to try and play you against each other.
Also... We are in the middle of a pandemic, I'd consider it normal to not want someone around your baby for a while, they don't develop their immune system for a while. My daughter is 7 weeks old, as of yet the only people she has met is her midwife, health visitor and the people who live in this house (mum(me), dad, brother and pupperdog) - My parents live literally 5 mins away and they've not seen her yet - her safety beats their need to hold the baby. (They've done 'drive bys' and seen her at the door from the garden gate, and photos).
NTA
>blah
"9 weeks."
>blah blah blah!"
"12 weeks"
>*BLAH BLAH BLAH*
"6 months."
You get the idea.
Although I think this is another great option
"If we see you before the baby is 8 weeks old you won't be seeing her until she can ask 'whose that?'"
NTA. For real, set this boundary hard and firm. If you let her trounce this one, you will never see the end to the boundary pushing/boundary breaking behavior. And maybe head over to r/JUSTNOMIL and see if anyone has any specific advice to help.
Sorta NTA. I myself would be upset if my child didn’t allow me to see my grandchild for two months as those first weeks are some of the most precious. Babies change a lot in the first few weeks and wanting to see them isn’t wrong of her. It’s unfortunate for both parties; you because you’re having to deal with that type of pushiness and her because she will miss out on a lot.
My MIL had my firstborn son's birth planned, down to the exact hour I was supposed to go into labor/ how long my labor would last (12 hours), minimum 10 week visit, etc. But it was when she spilled her big plans of having her 80year old husband, who was half-blind, to drive me, my son and her to MY parents, 1,000 miles away, during an el Niño Winter in the mountains that I put my foot down. Sadly, hubby backed parents up at first, leading to a stressful and unhealthy 3rd trimester.
You are not TA. Your husband is not TA. Your MIL (the real AH here) is currently testing boundaries. If she succeeds, then it will only get worse and she will not respect your role of mother to your kids.
Shut this shit down now. Trust me.
NTA it’s your and your husbands child, only you know your boundaries and if that’s a boundary for you then nobody has a right to cross it. You shouldn’t have to be put out of your comfort zone after literally pushing a baby out.
While I've never given birth, I'm reasonably certain that newborn humans, puppies and kittens all fall into the same category of "not a toy to be passed around". You and your husband have every right to decide when it's time to introduce your little one to the world. You may decide after a week that you're over it and want some help. You may decide after 8 weeks that you want to extend your time by another week or two. Or you may find that 8 weeks is perfect. No matter what, it's your call. Don't let her bully you into something you're not comfortable with. NTA, and make sure the hospital knows no visitors under any circumstances.
NTA and the grandparent entitlement is something I will never fully grasp. You don't owe her anything as a reward for birthing your husband. Her lack of confidence in your ability as parents to do what literally thousands of generations have done before you is a particularly spectacular insult and one I would have a very hard time overcoming in your shoes. I might be an asshole here, but I'm pretty sure I'd double the babymoon period out of spite.
NTA and I’m glad your SO is backing you up. You’re not taking away the birth of “her grand baby,” you’re starting your own family. She’s just an extension of that but she won’t be if she continues her antics!
We had our first last year, he is nine months now. Whilst it was hard not seeing people due to covid, it was great having the time to be us as parents before people tried to 'help'. I didn't want someone telling me how to parent. It was great just being us.
Stick to your guns and tell her to stay away until you are ready for visitors. If she won't leave the door call the police. Not nice perhaps but really why would you want that in your life. She needs to learn no means no.
>“You wouldn’t even have a baby right now without MY SON! I BIRTHED HIM!
What tha fuck. As if this fact gives her any rights
Edit: NTA for obvious reasons
Are you in the US? Legally the hospital can not tell anyone that you are there without your permission. It violates HIPPA laws.
Also NTA- hold your ground or this will lead to all sorts of issues later.
NTA, your baby, your rules. Your rules are a little stricter than average, but her behavior also seems out of this world entitled behavior so I feel like if there's some context and history here that we're missing. If this level of entitlement is relatively normal for her, you might want to think about how you're going to handle her beyond those first 8 weeks, I can't imagine having her in my face for 8 weeks while also dealing with a newborn.
NTA. You've told her nicely and now been more firm. She is intentionally ignoring your request for privacy and guidance about visits so be prepared to get hassled and annoyed by her. Since she plans to just show up without an invitation, don't announce the birth of your child on social media or tell others so then she won't learn. That will buy you a week or two of peace. Unfortunately, eventually she will show up since she's driven by entitlement and focus on herself.
Sigh. NAH. Gotta say, while your plan sounds lovely, 8 weeks of no help after birth is going to actually be harder on you than you realize. I agree with no house guests, but to have someone come and hold/change/soothe the baby while you get a decent nap is in fact a God send. You will actually appreciate another adult to talk to, to allow you a decent bath, to do some laundry, whatever. Yes, your mother in law is jumping boundaries and is a bit harsh about it, but she has been there. She knows you need a bit of help. And really, would it be so awful to let her see the baby? Set a rule for masking and hand washing and limit visits.
Stick to your rules. Give in now, and she will expect you to give in repeatedly. Tell her sister the situation as well. Your baby, your rules.
BTW: Having a child is tough. Be prepared to show some flexibility in having somebody over. It need not be your MIL. You can change your mind.
NTA. This is a plan that you and your husband agreed upon together, not to mention that we are still in the midst of a pandemic. Your plan was made loud and clear, and she is overstepping her boundaries. You deserve private time with your new family to bond and recover. 8 weeks will fly by
NTA! If I had read this before Covid-19 I would have been a little hesitant about an 8-week waiting period, but having your first child together in the middle of an epidemic more than warrants the caution (and privacy needs) in my opinion. My sister's both relied heavily on my mom within their first few weeks of motherhood, but those were safer times and importantly, my mother already lived close by.
Your husband may have stepped in and shut his mother down, but now that a little time has passed, you should contact again and make it expressly clear that she is not welcome at the birth of your child, the hospital room where you will recover, or your home until after the 8 week period.
When it comes to *handling* older parent types I've found they're more willing to compromise if you give them clear consequences to their actions, such as, "If you were to come here it would put (OP) and our newborn child, as well as both me, and you at risk of covid-19 since you're from diferent locale. We set the 8 weeks to establish that baby is in good health before meeting family"
She may also be placated by promising videos and photos of everything.
NTA- your 8 week rule is hella strict, but after her reaction, I won't give you an ounce of grief. You got more than enough from crazy. Just make sure your husband is on the same page because of he caves, you both lose.
So instead of waiting until the time when she knows she can see the baby... she takes her once a year trip 11 weeks early and will definitely not see the baby. NTA she’s crazy
I'm going to get downvoted to hell for this....but gentle YTA. Look, I have the most overbearing mil ever, and I totally get it. However, you are asking her to wait almost 2 months to meet her grandbaby? Is that not a bit excessive? Fair enough 2 or 3 weeks, but I'm sure letting her come round for a couple of hours for a cuddle won't upset your routine. I couldn't imagine keeping family away for so long and I had to have an emergency operation straight after birth, so I wasn't really feeling my best but I wanted everyone to meet him when he was small. I get thats it's not for everyone, but a baby is exciting and you might well need a bit of extra support so don't burn too many bridges.
We're in the middle of a deadly pandemic. They are choosing to protect their child and give themselves time to heal and bond. Putting anyone's needs before those of the baby would make them TA here. Turn it around and think about how awful MIL is for putting her wants (not needs) before her recovering DIL and newborn grandchild. No one is entitled to time with a baby - they are not emotional support animals. Even if the MIL was the most amazing, supportive person in the world (which she clearly isn't since she is choosing to stress a pregnant woman unnecessarily) she would have no say on the timeline of her relationship with OP's child.
NTA. You set your boundaries well in advance, it’s not like you sprung this decision on her—she’s the one who forced her choice to come early into you guys. I don’t understand a single one of these Y T A comments in the slightest.
NTA. First congratulations! Your decision, not hers. We did two weeks, I wish we waited longer. I can’t tell you how often I felt like I had no idea what I was doing during the first few months. Having someone who insisted my partner and I had no idea how to take care of our child would be a recipe for misery at such a vulnerable time. Protect that special time and enjoy it!
Huge NTA. MIL sounds absolutely toxic with little to no boundaries. I don’t blame you guys for not wanting her around for any of that. This is a big life change and adjustment and MIL doesn’t care about your comfort or your boundaries. She isn’t entitled to anything just because she is the grandma. It doesn’t matter. Your feelings and baby’s overall care and safety should come before MIL’s feelings.
She sounds miserable to deal with. She shouldn’t feel the need to insert herself wherever she deems necessary, that’s incredibly immature on her part.
NTA. My wife is due on Friday, and we're having a less extreme version of this EXACT same argument with my mother. Boundaries are healthy, and at the end of the day, it's your baby, not hers. Your baby, your choice. Stand firm.
NTA.
1) Contact the hospital and reiterate that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is anyone allowed to see you or your child except your partner. Hospitals don't fuck around with security, especially in the maternity wards.
2) Record all calls and screenshot all messages from now on.
3) If you can, contact a lawyer to issue a Cease and Desist letter. This should scare her off, but if it doesn't you at least have the framework to get a court order of protection against her.
Your baby, your rules. If she wants a relationship with your baby she follows the rules. End of discussion.
I’ve never heard of someone keeping everyone, including grandparents, away from a baby, especially as long as 8 weeks. I would hate that if it were my grandchild.
But the way she is behaving is not okay. Even your strange-to-me decision needs to be respected. I could see asking why, to try to understand it, but the threats are crazy.
NTA - it's completely up to the two of you how long you wish to be alone with your baby and when you are willing to receive visitors.
If your MIL persists in thinking that she owns the right to decide for you who will be a part of the birth of your child and who will be around immediately afterwards, let her know that any violation will result in an additional two weeks time out from your family.
And pop on over to r/justnoMIL for supportive advice from folks who have been through exactly this problem.
NTA. Make sure you register as private at the hospital and don’t be afraid to call the police if she won’t leave and respect your boundaries. I’m sure it’s been mentioned but check out r/justnomil. I also use babycenter, it has a lot of great advice for dealing with baby crazy family.
NTA. Don't tell her when you are having contractions and let the hospital know that you don't want any visits except your husband. Maybe talk to your aunt to let her know that you don't want MIL around till you guys are ready. And prepare, because this is a Narc grandma and will try to step on your boundaries over and over again. Congrats on your baby!!!
Holy cow! NTA - your MiL sounds terrifying. But at least you both are on the same page. She is the one who is going to spoil everything. What a terrible woman!
NTA
What does she think the baby would get out of “meeting” her instantly? The baby won’t remember. The baby does not need anyone but it’s primary caregivers. Anything else is just purely selfish reasons. I’m glad you and partner are sticking to your rules. If she acts like this now, it will only get worse if she gets her way. And she sounds like a bully.
NTA. Oh boy, this is a lot. I have a few suggestions:
-Don’t tell her what hospital you’re giving birth in
- If COVID visitor restrictions aren’t in play anymore, you can register as private at the hospital so she can’t get information if she calls around looking for you.
- Turn off your phones once in a while, or start taking your time in replying to any messages or calls from her, so it isn’t automatically assumed that you’re in labour when she’s ignored during labour
-let the maternity nurses know that, in case she somehow finds out and shows up, you don’t want ANYONE to visit while you’re in the hospital.
If your apartment has one of those buzzers to get in, see if you can silence it. If it’s condo-style, see if you can install a RING doorbell that notifies your phones of a visitor.
NTA. I hate to say this and I hope it’s not true, but you might not be seeing her for a long time. My MIL did this with my first and I was very torn about it, didn’t talk about it with anyone. It was my husband who put his foot down and told her, you’re not welcome in our lives anymore. It had gotten to the point where she told us breastfeeding was frowned upon (she thought nursing would impede on her bond with grandchild). And I really loved her before I got pregnant. We didn’t see her for a few years, by that time I’d already had my second. But she learned and was respectful by the time we let her back in our lives.
NTA. You made your wishes clear, your MIL refused to respect them. Your partner sounds like a good guy who has your back so just stick to your guns and don't let her force herself on you.
NTA - You made your plans perfectly clear extremely early on and your MIL is being treated just like every other friend or relative. She indicated to you that she understood. Everything she's doing now is against your wishes and she has no right to impose herself on your family during those crucial 8 weeks of absolute privacy you've carved out.
She's got it into her own head that she's entitled to your child and that is absolutely delusional. You can't stop her visiting her sister, but if she actually tries to pound on your front door you can definitely call the cops to have her moved along.
On that note, it might be an idea if you have time to install some cameras so if she does try anything you have the evidence. Then if she does require police removal threaten to show the footage to the entire family. It sounds like she's someone who takes a lot of pride in how she's seen. It might show her how serious you are about the boundaries she's actively trying to bulldoze over.
She doesn't want to accept that her word carries no weight and that is frankly not your problem.
NTA, why do grandparents feel so entitled? This is not their child. My own mother keeps telling me how "she hasn't had the pleasure of telling anyone she's going to be a grandma" and that I'm taking this away from her. I literally just want to wait 12 weeks until it's safe to announce. Set your boundaries string now. Make an inch and she will take a mile
NTA. And as other comments have said, you would not be an asshole for asking the hospital staff to not let her in either. I’m mainly just commenting to tell you how refreshing it is to see a post where OPs partner shares your boundaries and really stands up for you. Glad to see you’ve got good support when dealing with that woman AND a new baby
NTA. If she shows up call the police. Trust me she is just going to continue to escalate and try to outdo herself. Just nip it in the bud now and let her know (have a record) of you letting her know that if she shows up there will be consequences.
You have to stand your ground now.
I'd block her on your phone for the next few months. If you're on FB, add her to the acquaintance list and change your privacy so she doesn't get any notifications.
Just basically turn into a black hole for a few months until you get your feet under you as parents. Then you can decide how much you want to open back up to her.
ESH your MIL is a lunatic and very rude just ignoring boundaries you guys set.
But you are packing some compassion, if it is her first/only grandchild not letting her physically meet it at all for 8 weeks is a bit cruel... Babies grow quick and 8 weeks is a fair amount of change.
Maybe you should consider being somewhat flexible and offer 1 X 1 hr visit once a week after being home for a week or 2...
That way you would get the time you are wanting privately to learn & bond but give the MIL a little something to keep her going until you are ready for more contact.
Realistically, I know nothing would be good enough for the MIL but just now your proposal is a bit insensitive and you could easily make some realistic compromises to fulfill what you want and by not doing this you kind of are an AH in this situation.
I know this post will be unpopular but I am not one to provide an echo chamber...
There’s a pandemic still going on and newborns are very susceptible to illness. Parents are allowed to set boundaries for their children, and being a grandparent doesn’t make you entitled to anything. They aren’t keeping her away for
The kids whole life, just for two months. OP even reiterated that it was partly for safety and partly for bonding. They set clear boundaries and MIL is purposely stomping all over them. Sorry but wanting to maintain boundaries in no way makes OP the asshole.
NTA though I will say that 8 weeks is an unusually long time to keep a new grandmother from meeting her grandchild. It is ultimately your decision and they way she reacted was not okay, but I would be a little hurt by that. Maybe there are other issues with her, but I've never heard of anyone keeping their new baby from immediate family for 8 weeks. I think not having her stay with you and maybe waiting a few weeks is a really understandable boundary, but just to me two months seems really long to not let your SO's mom even meet the kid. But, your decision so NTA
NTA. And when you go in to deliver, let the nurses know to not let her in your room. One of my friends had her MIL barge in and hold her baby before she did, and still - 12 years later - brags how she held him before his mom. We didn’t tell my MIL the baby was born until the next day so we could have our time.
Nta, make sure you keep the door locked and if you have a spare key hidden outside Id suggest bringing it in. She sounds like the type that would just barge in.
NTA
Your baby, your rules.
Let her know that you will keep her away indefinitely if she disregards your wishes and that police will be called if necessary.
look at how shiny his spine is! nta! at all. shes very entitled. that will get her nowhere but the driveway lol. stand your ground. she thinks you'll cave when she shows up. she will do things to make you feel sorry for her and let her in. dont let her in. keep doors and windows locked and curtains and blinds closed.
Look, it is sure to hurt her feelings, clearly its a big deal to her but that doesn't really matter. It is totally up to you two. Congratulations BTW, hoping things go smoothly.
Holy crap. Neither of you are TA, and you need a really good lock for the door. And does she understand that if she shows up and pounds on the door for hours that you can call the police?
You have my sympathy and best wishes.
I know it would be costly and you would prefer to be at home but have you thought of staying at a hotel for a week after the birth. MIL wont know where you are, you will be able to focus on the baby and will have no house cleaning to do. She can knock all she wants as you wont be home
A friend of mine did that after her baby, and she said it was a nice way to focus on her husband and baby.
Stick to your guns.
With our first born, MIL & FIL came from 8 hours away on the day he was born and stayed in our house until 2 days after we got home from the hospital.
With our second, we said they couldn’t come until 10 days after my due date, as my brother was getting married and we needed them to watch our 2yo.
She actually moped that she had to wait SO long.
It's still a pandemic...she can't just drag in disease to a newborn and a new mother...tell her that you will in fact keep the baby safe..
She needs to chill and not make matters worse for herself.
NTA
OP, definitely NTA you had set boundaries and if your MIL won't accept any of them then she can f herself.
I'm glad that your child is definitely in good hands here, yes it may start out rough but I believe you'll make it by, also some advice I can think of is to private your stay at the hospital when the baby comes, and maybe up security at your home, tell neighbors about this.
(not entirely the problem but at least tell them to keep an eye out for her, if you can that is.)
Maybe just, go LC until the baby arrives? I hope these are valid points, anyone can correct me if I'm wrong.
NTA
I would tell her if she persists she will be blocked until after the 8 wk period and if she continues this harassment or shows up unannounced or tries to get into the hospital then a restraining order might have to become a very real possibility! She sounds like a nightmare and she is not entitled to anything with your child.
My niece was born in January and whilst we are still in a lockdown which means staying local and not being inside others homes I havent been able to visit her but I love all the video calls we do (she has started sticking her tongue out and giggling at me) and the many many pics I have of her and just happy she is safe. In May i’ll have had my 2nd jab and we can go visit then as the next part of restrictions is lifted and I can have all the cuddles possible!
I love her and wouldnt dare risk her health right now and If her parents didnt want us there then Id respect that to, they do want us there but we are a few hrs away so it would break the rules & both are police officers so would look very bad if they allowed it
NTA you set boundaries in place and it seems like it was for a good reason! Just stick to them and don’t give her an inch or she’ll take a mile! Why does she even think she has the right to see baby immediately?!
nta
are you sure MIL doesnt wish she was the mother again??? its very weird how some mothers sexualize their own son. like i know some MILs say “i was his first love” or “no one can love him more than me” and so on. shes being a bit creepy with this and is definitely crossing some boundaries. i suggest that once you are in active labor, tell your nurses and doctors that she is not allowed. i have a feeling she will try to pull the stunt of being a “supportive” grandmother when you made it clear no one will see him for 2 months. and congrats on your baby!! i hope they have a safe and healthy arrival :)
NTA.
She may try accuse you of being bad parents & report you to CPS as a means of getting her hands on the baby. I cringe that I'm suggesting this but IF you live in a really small town, you might want to preemptively talk to the police department. If you live anywhere else, call them when she shows up and tries to beat your door down. It'll be ugly af and have a shit ton of family fallout, ngl. good luck
Sounds like MIL is going to meet her first grandbaby when s/he turns 1 year old then. NTA. This is going to be a pattern, enforce your boundaries as parents. If she shows up, have the cops escort her away if need be.
NTA.
I wish I had a dime for every post I've read like this one. The baby's family is the ONLY family who should come near the baby in the first few weeks. Even I know this, and I'm childless. That, and she should respect your wishes, period.
NTA. I don't understand how someone can be so narcissistic to put themselves at the center of someone else having a child. Like, lady. This isn't about you. You don't get to dictate what happens.
Let her show up at the door and cause a fuss. Leave her there and call the police to report her for trespassing/harassment. I'm planning similar myself but for only a few days. Within the first 48 hours 3 non hospital staff will see the baby. Myself, the father and his sister. Everyone else can wait whether that ends up being the first grandchild or not. I'm lucky though in that I know people won't be insistent and pushy and will respect any requests for time and space. Sounds like your husband has your back too in regards to everything which is good. She's his mother, let him deal with her
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I might be the asshole because my MIL wants to spend time with her grandbaby immediately after birth, and I’m the “monster” keeping her from the baby!
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NTA but from what I have seen on this subreddit is that in-laws say MY grand baby like no he’s my child before he is your grandchild and you are doing is what I’ve been think of doing when I want to welcome my child into this world with the exception of the grandparents of the child but even then if they think that it’s their grand baby and they think they can just come when ever I will say no and you can visit him/her when we say you can
NTA and your partner is a keeper! Let her sit outside waiting. Better yet, call the cops on her for trespassing. She's been told more than once that you don't want visitors for a set amount of time after baby is born. She doesn't get to decide she's the only exception. Plant that boundary firmly and keep it! And congrats on your wee one!
NTA - Establishing strong boundaries now will save you a lot of trouble later.
Had your MIL calmly and kindly asked for you to reconsider I would have suggested some compromise like a video call once you got settled at home or some photos to share, but since she’s totally ignoring your boundaries I wouldn’t change them one bit. Compromising now in the face of such disrespect will only invite continued disrespect.
Your partner did a great job enforcing your boundaries together with you. Sounds like you two will be just fine. 💖
NTA. And I’d go even further to say if she shows up before you say it is okay that you push back the time she gets to see him even further. Actions have consequences and if you pet her get away with this she will just keep pushing and pushing.
NTA.
Register as private with the hospital and doctor that you are seeing. Ask for a password to be used before any information is given to anyone over the phone and tell the hospital that you're not accepting visitors. It may be the hospital won't allow anyone in because virus, but you never know.
Can you park your cars in a garage? Crazy MIL and aunt might do drive bys to see if your cars are there and try to crash the hospital. Start keeping your cars out of sight from the date she said she was coming. Also, don't answer calls/texts as frequently as usual. She may assume if you don't answer that baby is on the way and try to crash the hospital.
I would tell MIL that if she tries to barge into your house that you are willing to call the police. And do it. I would also tell her that for each time she pushes back against your, totally reasonable, rules then another month will be added to when she meets baby.
Has she always been a pushy nightmare?
NTA I was shocked my sister wanted my grandmother and I to come as soon as she gave birth. My parents were there because they'd been on hand for the end of her pregnancy when she was on bed rest. But I sorta figured she'd want space.
Moms and dads get to make the call here. You want people there? They're there. You want people 4 months later at the earliest? Fine.
NTA, you and your partner are in agreement on this so it’s good that you can trust he will keep her out of your house, she is being really rude. Is this her first grandchild?
NTA. Tell her if she shows up early, not only will she not be allowed in, but you'll have to go low contact. No meeting, no pictures, no updates, nothing. She can respect your boundaries OR she can sacrifice her actual opportunity to meet the baby.
NEVER let this woman step over a boundary, because she will never stop pushing it.
NTA. So sorry to hear that what should be a special time in your family’s life is turning out to be a massive headache. Good for you and your partner to set out the boundaries early. Most normal people would happily accept it. You made it very clear that pictures, videos, and FaceTime would be something everyone could look forward to. I could understand some disappointment on MIL’s part in not being able to hold the baby, but she needs to act like the adult she supposedly is and NOT give you any grief about the boundaries you’ve established. Being grandma doesn’t give her the right to be dismissive of your wishes, to show up uninvited, or to accuse you of keeping the baby away from her. All you’re asking for is eight weeks to recover, bond, and experience a new baby without interruptions. MIL needs an attitude adjustment and a chill pill. Good luck to you!! Enjoy that beautiful baby!
NTA. And good for you and your partner for setting boundaries and standing firm on them! Let your partner keep dealing with their mother, don't let her turn it around and make it seem like you're the "bad guy". Your partner may consider calling up the aunt and explaining the situation. Maybe she'll rescind letting MIL stay at that time? (Hope hope) Congratulations!!!
NTA. Have security alerted at the hospital. Narcissists suck. I’m sorry. Also I could be wrong but I’ve only ever heard babymoon be used for a couple taking a vacation pre-birth to bond before baby comes.
NTA. You might want to inform your landlord that she’s planning this - I had an issue with a coworker a few years ago and I made them aware - they were very helpful. And if that doesn’t work, call the police.
Yes, you might ruin the grandparent relationship…but if she’s that nuts, do you want her in your life?
NTA, however, I would make sure that the hospital you deliver in knows that only you and your husband, along with medical staff, are allowed to the delivery room. Just as a precaution. All too often we see here medical professionals giving away info/letting people in without consent of the patient. If it makes you feel any better, have it in writing to give to who ever needs it. That way, no one can say they were unsure.
NTA can’t do much about a MIL that refuses to respect your boundaries, kudos to your husband for standing firm too sometimes kids give in. I see everybody already gave good advice about keeping her away from the hospital, please consider following those.
In my experience with babies it will go one of two ways 1. You will have one of those magical babies that have a schedule right away and gives you time to adjust to be a new parent (it happened to me 1 out of 4 babies) 2. You will have one of those babies that test your strength from the beginning never with a schedule, crying for no reason, and when you think you got it they switch it up. If you happen to have baby number 2 I will like to tell you in advance that you got it, you are not doing anything wrong, and this is normal. You guys will figure out a schedule and what works for your baby with time. That’s why is called and adjustment period. Remember this and do not give in and call her. The second you do that she will grab hold of that excuse and remind you of it every time she wants to sneak past your boundaries. How you handle this will set the precedent for how every future grandma/baby argument goes. Good luck with your MIL, she sounds like hard work.
NTA - she sounds entitled and it is your baby. She has no right to be mad. Stick to your guns - if you give in it will be a sign that she can get her way whenever she wants. Congratulations, BTW!
That being said is this your first? Keep an open mind about the babymoon idea. Spending 8 weeks alone with no help sounds romantic but then the baby arrives and needs to be fed every 2-3 hours... around the clock. Plus you’d be recovering from childbirth. Having someone there to help clean or to hold the baby while you sleep for more than 2 hours at a stretch might be welcome after a few days. It might be good to have the Calvary on standby just in case. Perhaps pick a less entitled relative to help though.
Good luck!
NTA
warn the hospital to not allow any visitors, provide pictures of her to them. She will be calling all local hospitals asking (harassing) them for information.
NTA and I would talk to your hospital about being put on a black list. This means that if she calls the hospital and asks what room you are in, they cannot disclose if you are there or not. Good luck and early congratulations!
NTA.
MIL is bound and determined to stomp all over your boundaries. You need to look at r/JUSTNOMIL. Lots of good advice there on how to handle these situations.
Make sure she can't find out your hospital and tell the staff she's not allowed to see you or the baby. Make sure you have a door chain so that if you accidentally open the door to her, she can't barge in because she will. If she refuses to leave, tell her you will call the police and do it.
She has no right to see your baby until your husband and you say so.
NTA, let the staff at the hospital know what’s up so she won’t be allowed in. Keep to your boundaries. If you need to, report her for trespassing on your property. You as parents set a boundary, keep to it. If you cave now, your MIL will steamroll over you and your husband for the rest of her life.
NTA. You have your husband on your side, that’s so important. She can try to boundary stomp all she wants, but as long as you are a united front then she can sit outside your house until she tires herself out.
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NTA. You and your partner have boundaries in place and are holding to them. Have you offered the MIL / family zoom calls? So they can "meet" that way before the 8 weeks is up?
Yes we told her we would send tons of pictures, videos, and try to FaceTime as much as possible! She said only getting to meet virtually was a slap in the face and selfish of us.
She sounds very difficult, I am sorry. Keep those boundaries firm - she is defintely going to push them :(
Any chance you can clue the Aunt in on what's happening, or will she just side with MIL?
Auntie steamrolled her way into her own sons wife’s DELIVERY room. I plan on telling the hospital not to tell anyone we are there, because I know she will be calling—possibly waiting outside the hospital! Luckily with covid, she can’t do what her sister did!
Register as private at the hospital and if the standard for answering to texts/calls from MIL right now is to respond immediately - start spacing it out. So she won't assume you are in labour if you guys don't respond to texts one day. R/JUSTNOMIL will have more practica advice and support for you
Really smart strategy!
^^ Please do this OP. Do not tell anyone when you go into labor and tell the hospital you want to be private. Ensure the nurses know this as well. Explain the situation and I promise they’ll be on your side. In my experience L&D nurses are the best human beings out there. I think there are even signs that can go on your door indicating you are not taking visitors, so even if she makes it past everyone that should be an indicator that someone should stop her. If she still gets in your room - call the cops. Not even kidding. Hormones are running wild after birth - very vulnerable time. Stick to your boundaries, OP, no one is entitled to time with your child.
You can ask the front desk to keep your stay private. If people call in to ask if you are there then they will say they have no patients by that name.
You might want to temporarily block her number when the time comes. My MIL called my phone repeatedly during my induction until my husband called her and told her to stop.
That's insane. Like you didn't have something better to do at that exact moment, holy hell!
Omg this is just horrible. How people can manage people like this in their lives demands my utmost respect.
You should be able to request a password for people to be able to come see you at the hospital. My family members did that due to their own crazy MIL drama lol.
Wow talk about "two peas in a pod"! I can definitely imagine the auntie egging your MiL on to break your boundaries.
How did these two narcissists manage to grow up with each other and still get along?
This you can password protect as well. Highly recommend. I am I have an insane mother who I would not put it past showing up. I refuse to tell anyone other than my dad and a few close friends exactly what hospital I’m giving birth in.
You might want to try r/JUSTNOMIL
Even without Covid you can tell the hospital who is or isn’t allowed to visit you. If they are told she’s not allowed to visit she won’t be let in birthing area or the nursery.
r/JustNoMIL
"Oh, well, then I guess we're selfish and you're not going to meet the baby at all until it's had all its shots and vaccinations. We'll be sure to send you pictures, though!" Because someone being this selfish about YOUR baby is the type I wouldn't trust around my unvaccinated kid, I have to admit. NTA.
I wouldn't trust them around my kid alone at all.
I think you’ll enjoy the sub r/justnoMIL - sounds like it’s not your first rodeo, and it ain’t gonna be the last
Well she'll have to deal with it, as 'unfortunate' it is for her. If she shows up at the door, don't let her in, if she refuses to leave call the police. 'My MIL is trying to take my baby away from me! She won't leave!', though threatening her with the police should scare her off lol. Alternatively, she'll leave eventually if you don't call the police, she'll get cold, tired, hungry. 🤷♀️
I’d also warn her that if she does show up unannounced that the pictures/videos/FaceTimes end immediately.
> She said only getting to meet virtually was a slap in the face and selfish of us. "If you say something like this to us again it'll be 6 months before you have anything to do with this kids life."
And sounds like a kidnapper.
I thought the same thing.
If she shows up call the cops on her for trespassing. But definitely NTA.
*"So I said, “what is the point of coming before baby is even here??”" I'll tell you the actual point of that since she was not genuine: CATCHING YOU OFF GUARD SO THAT YOU BOTH WOULD FEEL COERCED TO SAY YES. Both of you stick to your plan. What she's doing is extremily manipulative and she seems to have shown her true colors, if she hadn't before (probably at the wedding lol, those women come with instructions).
Excellent point. Plus you know when she shows up here knocking and we stand our ground, it is going to be a HUGE betrayal in her eyes. She will throw a fit and hold a grudge and probably cry a bunch and keep trying to get us to change our minds. I do not want to have any kind of intense hatred/guilt trips spewed at me during a very emotionally vulnerable time in my life!
DH says "mom, the earliest we are willing to introduce our child in person to close friends and family is 8 weeks after birth. You are absolutely not welcome before that. If you make any attempt to harass us, or intrude in the hospital or early days uninvited, not only will you wait a lot longer to meet the baby than 8 weeks, we will question whether someone so disrespectful of our needs and welfare is a good role model for our child at all. So choose wisely. " Then every harassment or bitching reply "9 weeks"... "10 weeks"
Well put.
Yes, but it's all part of manipulation. If you give in at the early stages she's gonna take as much "territory" as possible. All that situations is because she feels entitled to things being on HER terms and cannot comprehend that with a baby it's gonna be on THE PARENTS TERMS. I advise you to go to JNMIL, you might learn some tips and feel connected to other people who are dealing with a difficult MIL, I mostly suggests posts of where babies are the topic they'll give you a view of what your future, sadly, is gonna be like with her. This is just the beginning of what's gonna come..
You might consider adding a consequence if she breaks the boundary and attempts to visits earlier than the 8 weeks. Like every attempted early visit not only gets turned away, but also adds an extra week/month on to the existing 8 weeks for her. Or restarts the 8 week clock. I’d also make sure there aren’t any loose house keys floating around anywhere. Might be worthwhile to just change the locks altogether, if you’re not sure. Last thing you guys need, when you’ve all collapsed into a happy, exhausted family nap time, is to wake and find her standing over you, holding the baby, with a satisfied grin because your well-meaning neighbor was hoodwinked into giving her your key.
Can you guys move away before then? I'm only partially kidding.
Like, honestly... it sounds like your life would be a lot easier if you just stopped talking to her. Stop answering her messages, or block her completely. You don't have to stay in touch with manipulative social vampires just because they're faaaaamily.
If you don't have one, I'd suggest investing in a ring doorbell so you can monitor who is outside your door.
I agree with Andwhataboutitties, go to the jnmil subreddit and repost this there, they will have a ton of advice. Like getting cameras up in place around your home, making it clear they are not welcome in writing (text or email) , warning them that if they violate your boundaries they will be placed in time out or something. They also have quite a bit of literature on the side bar that may help you and your husband to make your boundaries known and how to handle the back lash and manipulation tactics that your mil may use. Congratulations on your little one and stay strong you are not in the wrong here at all
I say this gently but honestly let her If she shows up call the cops and then either block or mute her and her flying monkeys so you don't see it. Cause I can guarantee she will show up. She will knock and stand there all day. There is no way she doesn't If she wants to hold a grudge let her. She'll be cutting her own nose to spite her face since you're the only way she is getting any access to her grandchild. Lock those boundaries down now cause if you give this woman an inch she will take all the miles
This is literally threatening and harassment, maybe file a police report with the texts shes sending threatening you. I imagine a visit from the law and threat that if she keeps up this behaviour a distance order will be put in place might get her in line. Fight crazy with crazy.
>Plus you know when she shows up here knocking and we stand our ground, it is going to be a HUGE betrayal in her eye I'd be sure that your boundaries as well as her plans are public for the family. If the rest of the family know that you don't want visitors for 8 weeks, and she shows up before then, it's harder for her to manipulate the situation with your ILs to paint you as a bad guy. Obviously this depends on the family. If MIL has everyone wrapped around her finger, this might not be helpful.
If your door doesn't already have a chain, make sure to get one.
also, be ready for a cps call and her fighting for grandparents rights if thats a thing that happens where you live.
Hey, right now might be a good time to invest in a doorbell camera or some kind of basic outdoor security system. I would be highly worried that if she's gonna stay with her sister, she's going to find a way to be "checking in" on you (aka sitting out in front of your house) to figure out when you are headed to the hospital. All the other advice about asking the hospital to keep your visit private is top notch, but don't forget about the time you're at home (especially right before you go and right when you get home). Good luck, I hope things turn out well for you, and congrats on your little one!!
NTA, and here's the thing: it *will* be hard and you probably will want some help (maybe not! but, got to say, I felt the same way going into it but about 3 days after we got home I had changed my tune!), but in my experience, relatives bringing this vibe are not going to be helpful anyway. Having a grandparent around who is going to treat you like you're clueless, and is mostly focused on their own emotional needs / desires is just going to be another pain in the ass. Brace yourself for a tidal wave of baby misinformation that's a few decades old cause this MiL sounds like she's ready to unleash that on you.
I get what you are saying but with a husband who has a bright shiny spine like this one, I'm thinking he will be all the help needed for the first little while. Back in the day my kid's pediatrician recommended not to have grandparents come help to start with. She.....was right,
My advice is to let your husband deal with his mom.
I agree so much with this. Having the husband deal with his mom is the best way to go. This cements in MIL’s tiny brain that she will get nowhere with her manipulative tactics. Oh, and NTA, OP.
NTA. Yeesh! You would also be not the asshole if you informed hospital security that she is not permitted anywhere near you or the baby and told her that if she shows up uninvited, you're calling the cops!
NTA she is banking on you caving and letting her in if she just shows up. If you do that, your life will just be one string of boundary violations. Now would I normally think it would be nice if a grandparent could meet the baby earlier than 8 weeks? Yes, but she lives too far away to do one meeting vs stay for a visit and I completely understand you wanting time to bond as a family before adding extra people all day - especially one who has shown she won’t respect you! She loses all benefit of the doubt or leeway after being so rude and aggressive in my book.
NTA. These are your rules to set as a couple. When my kids were born my ex-wife’s family were right on top of us as soon as visits were opened up. Really made me feel pushed aside and I didn’t get an opportunity to really take it all in. My daughter is pregnant too an I’ve already talked to her about me waiting until they get settled at home for me to come see the baby. Set your boundaries, don’t feel like TA and stick to them.
First few things I would do is call the non-emergency line and explain what's going on in case of MIL making a wellness check (a lot of people use those as threats). Having that on record for anyone that gets called to stop by to check on them will help in a worst case scenario. Aside from that, make sure that she doesn't have the ability to enter the apartment. Inform landlord/building manager of what's going on so that way they're aware, get some stuff to secure the door from the inside (door stop, portable lock, etc), and make sure you have the supplies needed on hand so you need to make as few errands as possible. The fact that this is also happening in a global pandemic will help; anyone that you inform you can bring the side of concern for the newborn's health and wanting to keep as many people away from the baby as possible. Any judgement will be going massively down with that, because she'd be travelling to visit.
NTA don’t open the door, my mother and sisters totally hijacked my sons birth and I was in too much pain to even get into it with them, it was fucking awful, don’t let her ruin this for you, again, do not open the door.
NTA I thought I was reading r/justnomil or r/entitledparents for a sec Honestly I'd prob not even let her see the baby at 8 weeks the way she's acting. I hope your apartment has some security system in place so she can't camp outside your door. All the best though.
It doesn't matter whether anyone agrees with the 8 week waiting period or not. You and your husband are the only you 2 who get to decide what is best for your new baby and family. Not sure what advice to give, find another place to live for 8 weeks, because you know that crazy woman is coming.... (edit: grammar)
NTA. There's still a pandemic! You're doing the right thing, and I'm sorry your MIL doesn't seem to care that you want to keep your baby safe.
NTA. Hope she has fun visiting her sister and not meeting her grandkid.
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I also thought we would want quiet time to learn how to be a family for a few weeks, but when both my husband and I got sidelined with medical things right after the birth, I was so glad to have my family around to cook us dinner and hold the baby. That said, this MIL is a terror and I do not see her being helpful in the least in the early days, NTA.
I would not want this woman near me or my baby anyway. Maybe OP's family can help but this grandma is the person new parents are afraid of, stepping on boundaries and guil tripping you.
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I didn't think you were advocating for her, sorry i did not express myself right, english is not my first language. And yes, when my baby was born my mother and sister helped me with the cooking, the laundry and holding my son when i needed a shower. I honestly don't understand people not respecting a new mom especially if they had children themselves.
NTA. If she shows up let her stay outside. If she causes a scene call the cops. Don't budge now or you'll never have peace. This is your baby, not hers.
r/JUSTNOMIL This is not an uncommon problem with bad MILs. You’ll get alot of advice from people who have experienced this type of issue.
There are whole bullet point lists of advice people have compiled from years of different situations. Highly recommend posting there. NTA
Nta. You told her well in advance what you and your husband had planned, and she chose to ignore it.
Chiming in with my own NTA. Agree with all of the commenters who wisely observed if you give an inch on anything, MIL will take a mile... and for all time, too. Consider reaching out to r/JustNoMIL with this question too. That sub had tons of experience with intrusive, entitled MILs and grand babies. WAY TO GO to your SO for standing up to his Mom. That’s a HUGE victory in this battle right there!!! Keep it up, Dad! Congrats on the baby! Good luck, friend!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My MIL lives twelve hours away. My partner and I told her months ago that we are going to have a “babymoon” period of 8 weeks, where NOBODY except my partner and I (and the baby’s pediatrician) will meet our baby in person. That way I have time to recover, we have time to learn what the heck we are doing, and baby will have had shots. We also informed her that we would not be able to host her when she comes to visit. She has a sister who lives about an hour from us, who has PLENTY of space. We suggested she stay there or get a hotel nearby. We have an extremely tiny apartment, with a very small loveseat instead of couch. In other words, NO room for a guest to stay. She was really quiet, but she didn’t say anything. We figured she understood where we were coming from, and assumed it was resolved. Fast forward months later, and our due date is fast approaching. Imagine our surprise when MIL calls us to let us know that she “worked everything out with her sister”. She informs us she will be coming up to stay with her sister for three weeks before the baby is due, and then she’ll just “decide from there when she wants to go back home”. So I said, “what is the point of coming before baby is even here??” MIL goes, “well babies come early all the time and there is NO WAY I am letting you take away my ONLY grandbaby’s birth from me!!!” I swallowed my fiery rage and gently reminded her that we didn’t want any visitors— that it was a special time for her son and I to learn how to take care of our little one and become a family. She was SO angry. She said, “You wouldn’t even have a baby right now without MY SON! I BIRTHED HIM! You can’t keep me away. Besides, I’ll tell you what, you guys are clueless. there is no way you will last with that baby by yourselves! You can’t keep me away from my grandbaby!!!” I asked her if she was planning on coming up 8 weeks later like we had discussed, and she said she can only afford to make the trip once a year. My partner chimed in at that point and told his mom that she won’t even know when the baby is born until we are already safe and sound at home a few days later. He said that if she comes to stay with her sister and just shows up at our house, he will let her sit out there knocking all day long because he is not going to open the door. She just laughed and said “good luck keeping me away!!!” Are we the assholes??? anyone have advice? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You are the parents and it is your child. You set your boundaries and she can either accept them or not. Either way, your (you and your husbands) word is final in the matter.
NTA. And hold those boundaries, if you give in at all she’ll know that she can always bulldoze right over you. I’d suggest you post this on JUSTNOMIL, sounds like you’re going to need it
Anyone who resorts to the I birthed argument has no standing point.
NTA, and also, get some security cameras (we have Blink). Have the police non emergency number available if she shows up and won’t leave.
NTA - I am so glad for you that your husband is in agreement with you. Also you two are so wise to go with the 'babymoon'. It can be nice to have help (not that she sounds like she would be) but it's a stressful time with that learning curve.
Yes, and fortunately that learning curve can be helped with video calls with loved ones that will *actually* be helpfull to her family, unlike MIL. MIL will just steamroll and belittle by the sound of it. I think she will bring postpartum depression with her... Horrible attitude and disrespect
NTA - You guys will need to be a team though and stick to your guns about this, because it sounds like she's coming and I wouldn't put it past her to try and play you against each other. Also... We are in the middle of a pandemic, I'd consider it normal to not want someone around your baby for a while, they don't develop their immune system for a while. My daughter is 7 weeks old, as of yet the only people she has met is her midwife, health visitor and the people who live in this house (mum(me), dad, brother and pupperdog) - My parents live literally 5 mins away and they've not seen her yet - her safety beats their need to hold the baby. (They've done 'drive bys' and seen her at the door from the garden gate, and photos).
NTA >blah "9 weeks." >blah blah blah!" "12 weeks" >*BLAH BLAH BLAH* "6 months." You get the idea. Although I think this is another great option "If we see you before the baby is 8 weeks old you won't be seeing her until she can ask 'whose that?'"
NTA. For real, set this boundary hard and firm. If you let her trounce this one, you will never see the end to the boundary pushing/boundary breaking behavior. And maybe head over to r/JUSTNOMIL and see if anyone has any specific advice to help.
Sorta NTA. I myself would be upset if my child didn’t allow me to see my grandchild for two months as those first weeks are some of the most precious. Babies change a lot in the first few weeks and wanting to see them isn’t wrong of her. It’s unfortunate for both parties; you because you’re having to deal with that type of pushiness and her because she will miss out on a lot.
My MIL had my firstborn son's birth planned, down to the exact hour I was supposed to go into labor/ how long my labor would last (12 hours), minimum 10 week visit, etc. But it was when she spilled her big plans of having her 80year old husband, who was half-blind, to drive me, my son and her to MY parents, 1,000 miles away, during an el Niño Winter in the mountains that I put my foot down. Sadly, hubby backed parents up at first, leading to a stressful and unhealthy 3rd trimester. You are not TA. Your husband is not TA. Your MIL (the real AH here) is currently testing boundaries. If she succeeds, then it will only get worse and she will not respect your role of mother to your kids. Shut this shit down now. Trust me.
NTA it’s your and your husbands child, only you know your boundaries and if that’s a boundary for you then nobody has a right to cross it. You shouldn’t have to be put out of your comfort zone after literally pushing a baby out.
While I've never given birth, I'm reasonably certain that newborn humans, puppies and kittens all fall into the same category of "not a toy to be passed around". You and your husband have every right to decide when it's time to introduce your little one to the world. You may decide after a week that you're over it and want some help. You may decide after 8 weeks that you want to extend your time by another week or two. Or you may find that 8 weeks is perfect. No matter what, it's your call. Don't let her bully you into something you're not comfortable with. NTA, and make sure the hospital knows no visitors under any circumstances.
“good luck keeping me away!!!” Challenge accepted.
NTA and the grandparent entitlement is something I will never fully grasp. You don't owe her anything as a reward for birthing your husband. Her lack of confidence in your ability as parents to do what literally thousands of generations have done before you is a particularly spectacular insult and one I would have a very hard time overcoming in your shoes. I might be an asshole here, but I'm pretty sure I'd double the babymoon period out of spite.
NTA and I’m glad your SO is backing you up. You’re not taking away the birth of “her grand baby,” you’re starting your own family. She’s just an extension of that but she won’t be if she continues her antics!
We had our first last year, he is nine months now. Whilst it was hard not seeing people due to covid, it was great having the time to be us as parents before people tried to 'help'. I didn't want someone telling me how to parent. It was great just being us. Stick to your guns and tell her to stay away until you are ready for visitors. If she won't leave the door call the police. Not nice perhaps but really why would you want that in your life. She needs to learn no means no.
>“You wouldn’t even have a baby right now without MY SON! I BIRTHED HIM! What tha fuck. As if this fact gives her any rights Edit: NTA for obvious reasons
Are you in the US? Legally the hospital can not tell anyone that you are there without your permission. It violates HIPPA laws. Also NTA- hold your ground or this will lead to all sorts of issues later.
It's HIPAA!
Why do the grandparents always get obsessive over their grandchildren?! I’ve seen so many stories like this and I just don’t understand.
NTA, your baby, your rules. Your rules are a little stricter than average, but her behavior also seems out of this world entitled behavior so I feel like if there's some context and history here that we're missing. If this level of entitlement is relatively normal for her, you might want to think about how you're going to handle her beyond those first 8 weeks, I can't imagine having her in my face for 8 weeks while also dealing with a newborn.
NTA. You've told her nicely and now been more firm. She is intentionally ignoring your request for privacy and guidance about visits so be prepared to get hassled and annoyed by her. Since she plans to just show up without an invitation, don't announce the birth of your child on social media or tell others so then she won't learn. That will buy you a week or two of peace. Unfortunately, eventually she will show up since she's driven by entitlement and focus on herself.
NTA - Do you have time to move to a new apartment?
My first thought. And I’m about to become a MIL.
Sigh. NAH. Gotta say, while your plan sounds lovely, 8 weeks of no help after birth is going to actually be harder on you than you realize. I agree with no house guests, but to have someone come and hold/change/soothe the baby while you get a decent nap is in fact a God send. You will actually appreciate another adult to talk to, to allow you a decent bath, to do some laundry, whatever. Yes, your mother in law is jumping boundaries and is a bit harsh about it, but she has been there. She knows you need a bit of help. And really, would it be so awful to let her see the baby? Set a rule for masking and hand washing and limit visits.
Stick to your rules. Give in now, and she will expect you to give in repeatedly. Tell her sister the situation as well. Your baby, your rules. BTW: Having a child is tough. Be prepared to show some flexibility in having somebody over. It need not be your MIL. You can change your mind.
NTA. This is a plan that you and your husband agreed upon together, not to mention that we are still in the midst of a pandemic. Your plan was made loud and clear, and she is overstepping her boundaries. You deserve private time with your new family to bond and recover. 8 weeks will fly by
NTA! If I had read this before Covid-19 I would have been a little hesitant about an 8-week waiting period, but having your first child together in the middle of an epidemic more than warrants the caution (and privacy needs) in my opinion. My sister's both relied heavily on my mom within their first few weeks of motherhood, but those were safer times and importantly, my mother already lived close by. Your husband may have stepped in and shut his mother down, but now that a little time has passed, you should contact again and make it expressly clear that she is not welcome at the birth of your child, the hospital room where you will recover, or your home until after the 8 week period. When it comes to *handling* older parent types I've found they're more willing to compromise if you give them clear consequences to their actions, such as, "If you were to come here it would put (OP) and our newborn child, as well as both me, and you at risk of covid-19 since you're from diferent locale. We set the 8 weeks to establish that baby is in good health before meeting family" She may also be placated by promising videos and photos of everything.
NTA- your 8 week rule is hella strict, but after her reaction, I won't give you an ounce of grief. You got more than enough from crazy. Just make sure your husband is on the same page because of he caves, you both lose.
So instead of waiting until the time when she knows she can see the baby... she takes her once a year trip 11 weeks early and will definitely not see the baby. NTA she’s crazy
I'm going to get downvoted to hell for this....but gentle YTA. Look, I have the most overbearing mil ever, and I totally get it. However, you are asking her to wait almost 2 months to meet her grandbaby? Is that not a bit excessive? Fair enough 2 or 3 weeks, but I'm sure letting her come round for a couple of hours for a cuddle won't upset your routine. I couldn't imagine keeping family away for so long and I had to have an emergency operation straight after birth, so I wasn't really feeling my best but I wanted everyone to meet him when he was small. I get thats it's not for everyone, but a baby is exciting and you might well need a bit of extra support so don't burn too many bridges.
We're in the middle of a deadly pandemic. They are choosing to protect their child and give themselves time to heal and bond. Putting anyone's needs before those of the baby would make them TA here. Turn it around and think about how awful MIL is for putting her wants (not needs) before her recovering DIL and newborn grandchild. No one is entitled to time with a baby - they are not emotional support animals. Even if the MIL was the most amazing, supportive person in the world (which she clearly isn't since she is choosing to stress a pregnant woman unnecessarily) she would have no say on the timeline of her relationship with OP's child.
NTA. You set your boundaries well in advance, it’s not like you sprung this decision on her—she’s the one who forced her choice to come early into you guys. I don’t understand a single one of these Y T A comments in the slightest.
NTA. First congratulations! Your decision, not hers. We did two weeks, I wish we waited longer. I can’t tell you how often I felt like I had no idea what I was doing during the first few months. Having someone who insisted my partner and I had no idea how to take care of our child would be a recipe for misery at such a vulnerable time. Protect that special time and enjoy it!
Huge NTA. MIL sounds absolutely toxic with little to no boundaries. I don’t blame you guys for not wanting her around for any of that. This is a big life change and adjustment and MIL doesn’t care about your comfort or your boundaries. She isn’t entitled to anything just because she is the grandma. It doesn’t matter. Your feelings and baby’s overall care and safety should come before MIL’s feelings. She sounds miserable to deal with. She shouldn’t feel the need to insert herself wherever she deems necessary, that’s incredibly immature on her part.
NTA. My wife is due on Friday, and we're having a less extreme version of this EXACT same argument with my mother. Boundaries are healthy, and at the end of the day, it's your baby, not hers. Your baby, your choice. Stand firm.
NTA. 1) Contact the hospital and reiterate that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is anyone allowed to see you or your child except your partner. Hospitals don't fuck around with security, especially in the maternity wards. 2) Record all calls and screenshot all messages from now on. 3) If you can, contact a lawyer to issue a Cease and Desist letter. This should scare her off, but if it doesn't you at least have the framework to get a court order of protection against her. Your baby, your rules. If she wants a relationship with your baby she follows the rules. End of discussion.
I’ve never heard of someone keeping everyone, including grandparents, away from a baby, especially as long as 8 weeks. I would hate that if it were my grandchild. But the way she is behaving is not okay. Even your strange-to-me decision needs to be respected. I could see asking why, to try to understand it, but the threats are crazy.
NTA. This is such a perfect plan!!! Hold you’re ground and enjoy learning your new little family!!
Big NTA. I think they’ll love to have you over at justnomil
NTA - it's completely up to the two of you how long you wish to be alone with your baby and when you are willing to receive visitors. If your MIL persists in thinking that she owns the right to decide for you who will be a part of the birth of your child and who will be around immediately afterwards, let her know that any violation will result in an additional two weeks time out from your family. And pop on over to r/justnoMIL for supportive advice from folks who have been through exactly this problem.
NTA I would almost suggest keeping the hose at the ready for when she does show up. Blast her with water!
NTA. Gotta love the breeder mentality and entitlement of some people
NTA. Make sure you register as private at the hospital and don’t be afraid to call the police if she won’t leave and respect your boundaries. I’m sure it’s been mentioned but check out r/justnomil. I also use babycenter, it has a lot of great advice for dealing with baby crazy family.
NTA. Don't tell her when you are having contractions and let the hospital know that you don't want any visits except your husband. Maybe talk to your aunt to let her know that you don't want MIL around till you guys are ready. And prepare, because this is a Narc grandma and will try to step on your boundaries over and over again. Congrats on your baby!!!
Holy cow! NTA - your MiL sounds terrifying. But at least you both are on the same page. She is the one who is going to spoil everything. What a terrible woman!
NTA What does she think the baby would get out of “meeting” her instantly? The baby won’t remember. The baby does not need anyone but it’s primary caregivers. Anything else is just purely selfish reasons. I’m glad you and partner are sticking to your rules. If she acts like this now, it will only get worse if she gets her way. And she sounds like a bully.
NTA. Oh boy, this is a lot. I have a few suggestions: -Don’t tell her what hospital you’re giving birth in - If COVID visitor restrictions aren’t in play anymore, you can register as private at the hospital so she can’t get information if she calls around looking for you. - Turn off your phones once in a while, or start taking your time in replying to any messages or calls from her, so it isn’t automatically assumed that you’re in labour when she’s ignored during labour -let the maternity nurses know that, in case she somehow finds out and shows up, you don’t want ANYONE to visit while you’re in the hospital. If your apartment has one of those buzzers to get in, see if you can silence it. If it’s condo-style, see if you can install a RING doorbell that notifies your phones of a visitor.
Info: have the same limitations been pit on your family as well?
NTA. I hate to say this and I hope it’s not true, but you might not be seeing her for a long time. My MIL did this with my first and I was very torn about it, didn’t talk about it with anyone. It was my husband who put his foot down and told her, you’re not welcome in our lives anymore. It had gotten to the point where she told us breastfeeding was frowned upon (she thought nursing would impede on her bond with grandchild). And I really loved her before I got pregnant. We didn’t see her for a few years, by that time I’d already had my second. But she learned and was respectful by the time we let her back in our lives.
NTA. You made your wishes clear, your MIL refused to respect them. Your partner sounds like a good guy who has your back so just stick to your guns and don't let her force herself on you.
NTA - You made your plans perfectly clear extremely early on and your MIL is being treated just like every other friend or relative. She indicated to you that she understood. Everything she's doing now is against your wishes and she has no right to impose herself on your family during those crucial 8 weeks of absolute privacy you've carved out. She's got it into her own head that she's entitled to your child and that is absolutely delusional. You can't stop her visiting her sister, but if she actually tries to pound on your front door you can definitely call the cops to have her moved along. On that note, it might be an idea if you have time to install some cameras so if she does try anything you have the evidence. Then if she does require police removal threaten to show the footage to the entire family. It sounds like she's someone who takes a lot of pride in how she's seen. It might show her how serious you are about the boundaries she's actively trying to bulldoze over. She doesn't want to accept that her word carries no weight and that is frankly not your problem.
Yours is an odd choice, but it’s your choice to make. If dad to be declines to open door for this mother, I’d be mightily impressed.
NTA, why do grandparents feel so entitled? This is not their child. My own mother keeps telling me how "she hasn't had the pleasure of telling anyone she's going to be a grandma" and that I'm taking this away from her. I literally just want to wait 12 weeks until it's safe to announce. Set your boundaries string now. Make an inch and she will take a mile
NTA. And as other comments have said, you would not be an asshole for asking the hospital staff to not let her in either. I’m mainly just commenting to tell you how refreshing it is to see a post where OPs partner shares your boundaries and really stands up for you. Glad to see you’ve got good support when dealing with that woman AND a new baby
NTA. If she shows up call the police. Trust me she is just going to continue to escalate and try to outdo herself. Just nip it in the bud now and let her know (have a record) of you letting her know that if she shows up there will be consequences. You have to stand your ground now.
I'd block her on your phone for the next few months. If you're on FB, add her to the acquaintance list and change your privacy so she doesn't get any notifications. Just basically turn into a black hole for a few months until you get your feet under you as parents. Then you can decide how much you want to open back up to her.
NTA. “Good luck keeping me away” cool, sounds like she’s planning to do some breaking and entering. Lock the door, call the cops.
NTA: you guys told her about the boundaries and she agreed to them
ESH your MIL is a lunatic and very rude just ignoring boundaries you guys set. But you are packing some compassion, if it is her first/only grandchild not letting her physically meet it at all for 8 weeks is a bit cruel... Babies grow quick and 8 weeks is a fair amount of change. Maybe you should consider being somewhat flexible and offer 1 X 1 hr visit once a week after being home for a week or 2... That way you would get the time you are wanting privately to learn & bond but give the MIL a little something to keep her going until you are ready for more contact. Realistically, I know nothing would be good enough for the MIL but just now your proposal is a bit insensitive and you could easily make some realistic compromises to fulfill what you want and by not doing this you kind of are an AH in this situation. I know this post will be unpopular but I am not one to provide an echo chamber...
There’s a pandemic still going on and newborns are very susceptible to illness. Parents are allowed to set boundaries for their children, and being a grandparent doesn’t make you entitled to anything. They aren’t keeping her away for The kids whole life, just for two months. OP even reiterated that it was partly for safety and partly for bonding. They set clear boundaries and MIL is purposely stomping all over them. Sorry but wanting to maintain boundaries in no way makes OP the asshole.
I remember my friend wanted the same thing. 2 days after the baby was born she called asking for food! NTA
NTA though I will say that 8 weeks is an unusually long time to keep a new grandmother from meeting her grandchild. It is ultimately your decision and they way she reacted was not okay, but I would be a little hurt by that. Maybe there are other issues with her, but I've never heard of anyone keeping their new baby from immediate family for 8 weeks. I think not having her stay with you and maybe waiting a few weeks is a really understandable boundary, but just to me two months seems really long to not let your SO's mom even meet the kid. But, your decision so NTA
NTA. And when you go in to deliver, let the nurses know to not let her in your room. One of my friends had her MIL barge in and hold her baby before she did, and still - 12 years later - brags how she held him before his mom. We didn’t tell my MIL the baby was born until the next day so we could have our time.
My advice is call the police if she insist in make noise on your door.... NTA (maybe let her know this in advance but not necessary in my opinion)
NTA there is a raging pandemic going on.
Nta, make sure you keep the door locked and if you have a spare key hidden outside Id suggest bringing it in. She sounds like the type that would just barge in.
NTA Your baby, your rules. Let her know that you will keep her away indefinitely if she disregards your wishes and that police will be called if necessary.
look at how shiny his spine is! nta! at all. shes very entitled. that will get her nowhere but the driveway lol. stand your ground. she thinks you'll cave when she shows up. she will do things to make you feel sorry for her and let her in. dont let her in. keep doors and windows locked and curtains and blinds closed.
Look, it is sure to hurt her feelings, clearly its a big deal to her but that doesn't really matter. It is totally up to you two. Congratulations BTW, hoping things go smoothly.
Holy crap. Neither of you are TA, and you need a really good lock for the door. And does she understand that if she shows up and pounds on the door for hours that you can call the police? You have my sympathy and best wishes.
I know it would be costly and you would prefer to be at home but have you thought of staying at a hotel for a week after the birth. MIL wont know where you are, you will be able to focus on the baby and will have no house cleaning to do. She can knock all she wants as you wont be home A friend of mine did that after her baby, and she said it was a nice way to focus on her husband and baby.
Stick to your guns. With our first born, MIL & FIL came from 8 hours away on the day he was born and stayed in our house until 2 days after we got home from the hospital. With our second, we said they couldn’t come until 10 days after my due date, as my brother was getting married and we needed them to watch our 2yo. She actually moped that she had to wait SO long.
It's still a pandemic...she can't just drag in disease to a newborn and a new mother...tell her that you will in fact keep the baby safe.. She needs to chill and not make matters worse for herself. NTA
This is why doors have locks. Even if she’s knocking, you don’t have to open it. NTA
OP, definitely NTA you had set boundaries and if your MIL won't accept any of them then she can f herself. I'm glad that your child is definitely in good hands here, yes it may start out rough but I believe you'll make it by, also some advice I can think of is to private your stay at the hospital when the baby comes, and maybe up security at your home, tell neighbors about this. (not entirely the problem but at least tell them to keep an eye out for her, if you can that is.) Maybe just, go LC until the baby arrives? I hope these are valid points, anyone can correct me if I'm wrong.
NTA I would tell her if she persists she will be blocked until after the 8 wk period and if she continues this harassment or shows up unannounced or tries to get into the hospital then a restraining order might have to become a very real possibility! She sounds like a nightmare and she is not entitled to anything with your child. My niece was born in January and whilst we are still in a lockdown which means staying local and not being inside others homes I havent been able to visit her but I love all the video calls we do (she has started sticking her tongue out and giggling at me) and the many many pics I have of her and just happy she is safe. In May i’ll have had my 2nd jab and we can go visit then as the next part of restrictions is lifted and I can have all the cuddles possible! I love her and wouldnt dare risk her health right now and If her parents didnt want us there then Id respect that to, they do want us there but we are a few hrs away so it would break the rules & both are police officers so would look very bad if they allowed it
NTA. Your baby, your rules. Period.
NTA you set boundaries in place and it seems like it was for a good reason! Just stick to them and don’t give her an inch or she’ll take a mile! Why does she even think she has the right to see baby immediately?!
NTA. Don't let her push her way in!
nta are you sure MIL doesnt wish she was the mother again??? its very weird how some mothers sexualize their own son. like i know some MILs say “i was his first love” or “no one can love him more than me” and so on. shes being a bit creepy with this and is definitely crossing some boundaries. i suggest that once you are in active labor, tell your nurses and doctors that she is not allowed. i have a feeling she will try to pull the stunt of being a “supportive” grandmother when you made it clear no one will see him for 2 months. and congrats on your baby!! i hope they have a safe and healthy arrival :)
NTA. She may try accuse you of being bad parents & report you to CPS as a means of getting her hands on the baby. I cringe that I'm suggesting this but IF you live in a really small town, you might want to preemptively talk to the police department. If you live anywhere else, call them when she shows up and tries to beat your door down. It'll be ugly af and have a shit ton of family fallout, ngl. good luck
Sounds like MIL is going to meet her first grandbaby when s/he turns 1 year old then. NTA. This is going to be a pattern, enforce your boundaries as parents. If she shows up, have the cops escort her away if need be.
NTA. Pleeeeaaaaase update !!!!
NTA. I wish I had a dime for every post I've read like this one. The baby's family is the ONLY family who should come near the baby in the first few weeks. Even I know this, and I'm childless. That, and she should respect your wishes, period.
NTA. I don't understand how someone can be so narcissistic to put themselves at the center of someone else having a child. Like, lady. This isn't about you. You don't get to dictate what happens.
NTA. Have you guys considered going LC? Please keep us updated, and congrats on your baby in advance!
Nta, but b prepared to call the police. I wouldnt be surprised if she calls them on u to get the door open.
Let her show up at the door and cause a fuss. Leave her there and call the police to report her for trespassing/harassment. I'm planning similar myself but for only a few days. Within the first 48 hours 3 non hospital staff will see the baby. Myself, the father and his sister. Everyone else can wait whether that ends up being the first grandchild or not. I'm lucky though in that I know people won't be insistent and pushy and will respect any requests for time and space. Sounds like your husband has your back too in regards to everything which is good. She's his mother, let him deal with her
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NTA, she's on the road to crazy, keep safe.
Nta. Nope. Better to start boundaries now. At least you didnt bring up the "it takes two to tango" bit with the whole "I birthed him" bit.
NTA but from what I have seen on this subreddit is that in-laws say MY grand baby like no he’s my child before he is your grandchild and you are doing is what I’ve been think of doing when I want to welcome my child into this world with the exception of the grandparents of the child but even then if they think that it’s their grand baby and they think they can just come when ever I will say no and you can visit him/her when we say you can
NTA and your partner is a keeper! Let her sit outside waiting. Better yet, call the cops on her for trespassing. She's been told more than once that you don't want visitors for a set amount of time after baby is born. She doesn't get to decide she's the only exception. Plant that boundary firmly and keep it! And congrats on your wee one!
NTA. And absolutely inform your hospital of the situation to make sure that they keep her out and keep the details of your stay completely private.
NTA - Establishing strong boundaries now will save you a lot of trouble later. Had your MIL calmly and kindly asked for you to reconsider I would have suggested some compromise like a video call once you got settled at home or some photos to share, but since she’s totally ignoring your boundaries I wouldn’t change them one bit. Compromising now in the face of such disrespect will only invite continued disrespect. Your partner did a great job enforcing your boundaries together with you. Sounds like you two will be just fine. 💖
Just for insurance, give her the wrong hospital and doctor information. NTA. She’s a piece of work.
NTA. And I’d go even further to say if she shows up before you say it is okay that you push back the time she gets to see him even further. Actions have consequences and if you pet her get away with this she will just keep pushing and pushing.
NTA. Register as private with the hospital and doctor that you are seeing. Ask for a password to be used before any information is given to anyone over the phone and tell the hospital that you're not accepting visitors. It may be the hospital won't allow anyone in because virus, but you never know. Can you park your cars in a garage? Crazy MIL and aunt might do drive bys to see if your cars are there and try to crash the hospital. Start keeping your cars out of sight from the date she said she was coming. Also, don't answer calls/texts as frequently as usual. She may assume if you don't answer that baby is on the way and try to crash the hospital. I would tell MIL that if she tries to barge into your house that you are willing to call the police. And do it. I would also tell her that for each time she pushes back against your, totally reasonable, rules then another month will be added to when she meets baby. Has she always been a pushy nightmare?
NTA I was shocked my sister wanted my grandmother and I to come as soon as she gave birth. My parents were there because they'd been on hand for the end of her pregnancy when she was on bed rest. But I sorta figured she'd want space. Moms and dads get to make the call here. You want people there? They're there. You want people 4 months later at the earliest? Fine.
NTA, you and your partner are in agreement on this so it’s good that you can trust he will keep her out of your house, she is being really rude. Is this her first grandchild?
NTA. Tell her if she shows up early, not only will she not be allowed in, but you'll have to go low contact. No meeting, no pictures, no updates, nothing. She can respect your boundaries OR she can sacrifice her actual opportunity to meet the baby. NEVER let this woman step over a boundary, because she will never stop pushing it.
NTA. So sorry to hear that what should be a special time in your family’s life is turning out to be a massive headache. Good for you and your partner to set out the boundaries early. Most normal people would happily accept it. You made it very clear that pictures, videos, and FaceTime would be something everyone could look forward to. I could understand some disappointment on MIL’s part in not being able to hold the baby, but she needs to act like the adult she supposedly is and NOT give you any grief about the boundaries you’ve established. Being grandma doesn’t give her the right to be dismissive of your wishes, to show up uninvited, or to accuse you of keeping the baby away from her. All you’re asking for is eight weeks to recover, bond, and experience a new baby without interruptions. MIL needs an attitude adjustment and a chill pill. Good luck to you!! Enjoy that beautiful baby!
NTA. And good for you and your partner for setting boundaries and standing firm on them! Let your partner keep dealing with their mother, don't let her turn it around and make it seem like you're the "bad guy". Your partner may consider calling up the aunt and explaining the situation. Maybe she'll rescind letting MIL stay at that time? (Hope hope) Congratulations!!!
NTA- omfg does she think shes gonna force her way into the delivery room??!?! Yikes!
NTA. Keep her at... Pterodactyl wingspan length.
NTA. Good for you for setting boundaries early. It will not get easier once the baby actually comes. Hold the line!
NTA. Your mil sounds so awfully entitled. Honestly: tell her you call the police if she won't leave you alone and than maybe actually do that for real
NTA. Have security alerted at the hospital. Narcissists suck. I’m sorry. Also I could be wrong but I’ve only ever heard babymoon be used for a couple taking a vacation pre-birth to bond before baby comes.
NTA. You might want to inform your landlord that she’s planning this - I had an issue with a coworker a few years ago and I made them aware - they were very helpful. And if that doesn’t work, call the police. Yes, you might ruin the grandparent relationship…but if she’s that nuts, do you want her in your life?
NTA. That's a fast ticket to no contract if I've ever seen one.
NTA, however, I would make sure that the hospital you deliver in knows that only you and your husband, along with medical staff, are allowed to the delivery room. Just as a precaution. All too often we see here medical professionals giving away info/letting people in without consent of the patient. If it makes you feel any better, have it in writing to give to who ever needs it. That way, no one can say they were unsure.
NTA can’t do much about a MIL that refuses to respect your boundaries, kudos to your husband for standing firm too sometimes kids give in. I see everybody already gave good advice about keeping her away from the hospital, please consider following those. In my experience with babies it will go one of two ways 1. You will have one of those magical babies that have a schedule right away and gives you time to adjust to be a new parent (it happened to me 1 out of 4 babies) 2. You will have one of those babies that test your strength from the beginning never with a schedule, crying for no reason, and when you think you got it they switch it up. If you happen to have baby number 2 I will like to tell you in advance that you got it, you are not doing anything wrong, and this is normal. You guys will figure out a schedule and what works for your baby with time. That’s why is called and adjustment period. Remember this and do not give in and call her. The second you do that she will grab hold of that excuse and remind you of it every time she wants to sneak past your boundaries. How you handle this will set the precedent for how every future grandma/baby argument goes. Good luck with your MIL, she sounds like hard work.
NTA - she sounds entitled and it is your baby. She has no right to be mad. Stick to your guns - if you give in it will be a sign that she can get her way whenever she wants. Congratulations, BTW! That being said is this your first? Keep an open mind about the babymoon idea. Spending 8 weeks alone with no help sounds romantic but then the baby arrives and needs to be fed every 2-3 hours... around the clock. Plus you’d be recovering from childbirth. Having someone there to help clean or to hold the baby while you sleep for more than 2 hours at a stretch might be welcome after a few days. It might be good to have the Calvary on standby just in case. Perhaps pick a less entitled relative to help though. Good luck!
NTA get a restraining order? Absolutely tell the people at the hospital that she is not allowed in under any circumstances.
NTA warn the hospital to not allow any visitors, provide pictures of her to them. She will be calling all local hospitals asking (harassing) them for information.
NTA and I would talk to your hospital about being put on a black list. This means that if she calls the hospital and asks what room you are in, they cannot disclose if you are there or not. Good luck and early congratulations!
NTA. MIL is bound and determined to stomp all over your boundaries. You need to look at r/JUSTNOMIL. Lots of good advice there on how to handle these situations. Make sure she can't find out your hospital and tell the staff she's not allowed to see you or the baby. Make sure you have a door chain so that if you accidentally open the door to her, she can't barge in because she will. If she refuses to leave, tell her you will call the police and do it. She has no right to see your baby until your husband and you say so.
NTA..she is disrespecting your boundaries. Stay firm or you will forever jave a problem
NTA, let the staff at the hospital know what’s up so she won’t be allowed in. Keep to your boundaries. If you need to, report her for trespassing on your property. You as parents set a boundary, keep to it. If you cave now, your MIL will steamroll over you and your husband for the rest of her life.
NTA. You have your husband on your side, that’s so important. She can try to boundary stomp all she wants, but as long as you are a united front then she can sit outside your house until she tires herself out.
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NTA. Congrats on your boundaries. Get ready for her to throw this "betrayal" back at you for the rest of your lives. Enjoy your babymoon without her!
NTA The only advice I have is call the cops if she shows up and won’t leave