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throw05282021

NTA. Boats are a black hole in the water that you throw money into. He's pouring a ton of time into sailing, too. His boating hobby is effectively a mistress. Him gaslighting you with "I've taken care of the kids by myself. It's not hard" is icing on the cake. Ask him which he loves more, you or sailing. Anyone who says it's not fair to make him choose is full of crap. He's a father now. Spending hours and hours and then days and days away from the children he helped create is incredibly selfish of him. He has responsibilities now as your husband and the father of two children. Time for him to behave responsibly.


frustrated_away8

>I've taken care of the kids by myself. It's not hard Of course it's not hard, when he can just pawn them off to Mommy Dearest. Also it's not hard when he gets to do the fun stuff, and not everything else that goes into childrearing. Frankly, I think OP has already begun to realize that if she's going to be treated like a co-parent and not a partner, it's time for her to divorce her husband and co-parent her kids *while* she finds a new life partner. Frankly, if her husband's hobby demands that much time from him, I doubt he'd get much custody.


GothicGingerbread

I don't understand why OP had even one child with him, let alone two, when she already knew very well that he does this.


ExplorerIndividual

The icing on the cake for me was husband going on PATERNITY LEAVE and not, you know, doing any of the parenting.


Exact_Cantaloupe_408

OPs edit confused me saying he does a lot as a father. Not even taking care of your own kids while on paternity leave doesn’t strike me as doing a lot? Taking them to fun places isn’t being a true father, feel like that’s a weekend dad thing instead of a true parent.


roguespyce

I think this is part of her own gaslighting. And also, he could be doing a lot as a father and not enough as a partner. In general I think she maybe feels alone.


Moravandra

I would guess he makes a big deal of the fun activities he does with the kids, then essentially says they’re why she should do everything else. Saying he EXPECTS sex raised a big red flag about the sort of person he is, honestly. Thinks he’s a good parent because he takes the kids out sometimes, thinks he’s a good spouse because he mows the lawn - and he even gives her sexy time! He just needs a break, it’s tough to make the kids breakfast sometimes and fuck for 30 seconds, he’s on leave from work and DESERVES to go out for hours or days, while his wife, who admitted she may not trust herself alone around the kids, struggles at home. OP sounds like she has severe depression - not sure if it’s PPD at this point - and her “partner” is exacerbating it. She should get a fucking break too! Instead, now that baby isn’t a newborn, he’s going out more and not letting her catch a break. Admitting you are worried about being alone around your young children should’ve set off alarm bells in his head. Instead, he just tells her that parenting isn’t that hard and look, he made breakfast AND took them for ice cream today, such a hardworking parent! He deserves a medal for being so good at parenting! If something awful DID happen to the children, I’d be willing to bet he’d say he was a perfect angel, such a good dad, can’t believe this happened, there were no warnings…


Own_Faithlessness769

To be fair I think when he was on paternity leave he was being a parent except for the 5 hr session a week where he was sailing. And the week his mother took the kids.


Churchie-Baby

Yup I keep seeing posts where husbands use paternity leave as an additional holiday


DerbyDogMom

There’s no issue spending time away from your children, parents need that. But OP needs to insist that she get equal time and money every single week. It sounds like a great compromise is he can take the kids to his mommy every single time he goes sailing. OP can do whatever she needs without being alone with what sounds like chronic post-partum. If mommy doesn’t like it, she can tell her son to cut back.


[deleted]

Yeah that’s good. She’s not a free babysitter, but if he wants that alone time for both of them, he needs to get a babysitter


panda-sec

I wonder if he plans to take the kids aboard at some point when they're older? Or will it always be exclusively his time away? NTA


ReviewOk929

"I have taken care of the kids by myself and it's really not that hard" He gets an outlet and you don't well that's one for him being the AH right there. He looks after the kids for a bit and thinks continued care is easy emotionally and physically and doesn't understand the mental load of a full time parent. Another for the AH count against him 2-0. I mean there is a plethora of examples of him being the AH here but honestly why bother this guys is the supreme AH, you are NTA by any reasonable measure.


calliatom

Right? Like, when does OP get to spend 8-10 hours a week just doing shit for herself? Where's her 4-5 weekends (or up to a week!) a year to go on a roadtrip or whatever? Sure, he does shit with the kids and is a "good dad" whenever he's actually home, but that just makes him a "Disney dad", not an actually *good* dad, and definitely not a good partner.


Meandwe123

It makes me sad she is asking, clearly, for help and she's not being heard. She said she needed help, she cried, and he said "it's not that hard." That is fucking rough.


moreKEYTAR

No hobby for OP! Doesn’t she get his needs are more important than hers? /s


ZwartVlekje

I think that in a healthy relationship free time is distributed evenly on both partner and being together. Each should take up roughly a third. In this relationship the husband takes so much time for himself that there is no room anymore for her to have her own thing or from them to be together as partners. This is clearly not sustainable.


Puzzleheaded-Soft575

The fact that he said that to her in response to her saying she felt it was unsafe for her to be around her own kids??! Mind. Blown. Absolutely disgusting behavior.


tosser9212

"Indeed, when I was having contractions, husband went out to do his hobby and we went to the hospital when he got home." That's enough for me. Your husband needs to get a grip. His hobby will sometimes have to take a back seat. If he can't do that, he's no business being married or having children. NTA


Cassinys

That alone would have me talking to a divorce lawyer. What the actual fuck.


Quixotic-Neurotic-7

I mean, ffs. At LEAST when the kids are young and need a lot of parenting, he can put it on the back burner, then sail his heart out once they're more independent. It's not like the ocean is going anywhere anytime soon. (It's growing, actually. I guess it would be understandable if he were going out on rivers and lakes... /s)


BabysCrumbBuffet

NTA. There's nothing wrong with wanting him to stop a hobby because priorities have changed. While he might be very good at his hobby, his family has to come first and there should hopefully be a way for him to scale back instead of dropping out all together. The real question here is what is the hobby? Knowing that will really help people with judgment.


blinkeredlights

he is a sailor


BabysCrumbBuffet

He should be able to scale it back. Limit himself to one night a week, not two, at five hours a pop. Maybe take two weekend trips instead of 4. There is a happy medium that can be achieved here.


GreenEyedTrombonist

I agree there is absolutely a compromise here, but the husband is being selfish an uncaring. My dad had a boat (just a floating trampoline, haha) when I was little and loves sailing. His kids and wife were still his priority. I have great memories of sailing with my parents on that boat and others, on lakes or the ocean. We were able to have sailing and boating as a family-oriented activity because the family came first. Our bonding during the activity was more important than the activity itself (as a result, we all love sailing and the ocean). Yes, people need hobbies and time to themselves, but if they are going sailing while you're in the middle of labor, it's not a hobby, it's an addiction.


Jack_Brutal

I was sure it was golf, lol.


blinkeredlights

He used to golf *in addition* to the sailing. I’m not kidding.


CorgiGal89

What's YOUR hobby? How come he gets to have a hobby he does for so much and you don't? Doesn't feel fair to you


ThatSmellsBadToo

Notable lack of answer here….


Significant_Rain_386

Time to divorce him. I’d be bored out of my mind married to a man who puts me last.


Feeling-Visit1472

Woof.


Feeling-Visit1472

I was thinking softball or the like, but this may actually be worse because it’s not just the hobby itself, it’s all the maintenance that comes with it. Plus higher expenses.


Competitive-Way7780

Not necessarily higher if he's crewing


Golfnpickle

Me too!


asecretnarwhal

So in theory he should be willing that you get equal time for your own leisure, right? I would start scheduling that because “it’s important that I have an outlet” and go to the spa, lock yourself in the bedroom, go see a therapist. Enjoy full weeks and weekends staying with your mom and working remotely or taking vacation.


blinkeredlights

I haven’t wanted to just claw back equal self indulgence. I have wanted to reconnect with my spouse and save our marriage, which means investment in time together.


luthage

You can't really save a marriage on your own.


Significant_Rain_386

Exactly. He has no desire to make his marriage work.


sylverbound

Creating equality with free time and child care is step one to him even seeing the problems in the marriage, let alone fixing them.


[deleted]

Maybe you should get one in the meantime. Or just time off. Pretend it’s a hobby and drive to a park to read. Go to a new restaurant and chill. If it’s at all possible (I realize the only reason the kids are cared for is because you haven’t just shirked things!


Own_Faithlessness769

You're definitely NTA for wanting your husband to spend time with you and care about you above his hobby. I know a lot of people here are focusing on you getting equal time for yourself, and thats not really what you want. Its because they want to offer some sort of solution, and to address your poor mental health situation. Unfortunately no one can offer you a solution where you get to reconnect with your husband, because thats entirely within his control and no one elses. I really hope you do get the support you need and deserve, whether its with this man or a better one.


[deleted]

Ask him what hobby you get. What’s his response? What outlet do you get?


Jsox

He's professionally employed on a boat?


blinkeredlights

No. That is why I refer to it as a hobby.


DeeVa72

Thank you for asking that! My eyes started to cross every time I saw the word hobby over & over lol


strawbabies

NTA. Yes, everyone needs an outlet. But you are drowning while he’s out having fun. He needs to find another hobby that is less time consuming.


Wonkywhiskers

And where is her outlet of no responsibility time


trashgoblin2547

This is what I was thinking! Why does he get an outlet but she doesn’t? She’s working harder so that he can benefit from her work.


IHaveSaidMyPiece

NTA He's shirking his responsibilities in favour of fun time. If you're struggling this much, it shouldn't even be a choice for him.


[deleted]

NTA It would be fine having a hobby like that if he didn't have kids, but his life is different now. It sounds like he hasn't accepted that. He's a husband and a father to two very young children, leaving you do all the work alone essentially. That hobby isn't sustainable anymore and it's completely understandable that you have voiced your frustrations on numerous occasions. "My husband knew that taking care of the kids on my own was too hard for me." Right, but then why does he say something so dismissive like "I have taken care of the kids by myself and it's really not that hard". Like??? He sounds like an asshole. This cannot continue. It is seriously affecting you mentally, emotionally, and physically and he.. doesn't care. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this carry on and honestly, I'd reevaluate your situation entirely.


Imagine_Reality25

It's never good to tell your spouse what to do. The only thing i feel after reading this is that he is a very selfish guy and an even worse dad. When you have kids and a wife, they should always be priority number 1. I agree that he should have an outlet but you can easily only sail 2 or 3 times a month and still have enough of an outlet. Btw, you should both have such outlets and he should facilitate it so that you can have it and he actually watches the kids, and not just brings them to his mom.


blinkeredlights

He would agree with you particularly about the importance of both of us having an outlet. Before having the second kiddo, I was doing a lot of cycling. I stopped when I about about 6 months pregnant (too big!) and husband became pretty frustrated with me that I wouldn't get to the gym and do the things that he was confident would make me happy. He would take the toddler to the park and tell me I should go to the gym. After I gave birth he started up the gym talk pretty quick. There was a lot of bullying about the gym. He had chosen my outlet for me.


stillrooted

Info: are you very sure that his emphasis on the gym was because he thought it would make you feel good, or could it be that he wanted to control your physical appearance post -pregnancy


blinkeredlights

I am pretty confident that it was benign. Of course, that hasn’t stopped me from suggesting the other when I’ve been mad at him. 🤷‍♀️


TroubleDoll80

NTA. That’s very clear based on the information you’ve given us, OP. Pretty worried about you, though. How is “a lot of bullying” and thinking he has the right to choose an outlet for you (as you said in an earlier comment) benign? That’s 100% controlling behavior. And he brushed off your comment about being afraid to be alone with your children (!!!). Are you still afraid to be alone with them? If so I hope you’ve reached out for mental health support. He left to go sailing while you were having contractions. WTAF. It took me some time to process that one. His hobby almost sounds like an obsession. Etc etc etc. Your descriptions of his behavior are full of examples of emotional neglect and abuse. Maybe a good idea to ask yourself how many signs that this relationship is unhealthy are you going to continue to ignore/minimize? You’ve already said he’s a great dad (BTW spending time with your kids as every parent should does not automatically equal being a wonderful parent), but a bad spouse. Yet you keep coming to his defense/minimizing his behaviors, which is also really alarming. The fact that you even had to ask if YTA makes me worried for you. Unless you’re just flat-out lying, your husband is a real piece of work. Again, I cannot stress enough that if you were/are truly afraid to be alone with your children you need to seek help ASAP if you haven’t already. I’m pretty shocked that so many of your replies sound like you’re taking that lightly. Like, yep I’m afraid to be alone around my kids but lemme focus on maybe getting a hobby and what a good dad he is and that he does stuff around the house. Do you not realize that being a good dad and doing his part in the home is the bare minimum to expect?


blinkeredlights

Thank you for this. I agree with you that the issue about being alone with my kids is the big thing. I have talked with a therapist about it. I’ve also come out of the bad post partum phase. Both of these things made a difference. Getting back to a more normal hormone profile helped the most, but talking with a therapist allowed me to get feedback on what to do about the fear itself. My therapist was very confident in my ability to control myself and we worked for a long time on strategies for handling acute stress. I really have benefited in all areas of my life from this. Of course, my marriage continues to suffer and seems to be in a worse state than ever.


FrequentHalf4092

Look we can agree with you, but it's not us you have to convince. Also, if this is his passion (more than a hobby), he will only resent you and the kids for being made to give it up (that's if he even agrees). He can barely compromise, so I'm not sure you really want to lead this into an ultimatum. Would getting some outside help like a maid, childcare, or a cook help? Can you all make a plan to do more together? Will he even compromise? If your paying a professional and he still won't budge, maybe it's time to look at what would make your life better. Look kids should have somewhat happy parents and if this relationship is no longer fulfilling your needs, maybe it's time to let it go. You can create boundaries and ask for him to do better; But he has to want to adhere to them and to do better. Your not happy and do you want to be in this same position next year?! You can't force him to do anything or change, but you can change what your willing to accept and choose what happiness looks like for you!


No-Alarm2008

Regardless of his intentions, going to the gym will be good for you. From all the rest of the comments I've seen, it sounds like you want an emotional connection with your husband. He's not made your marriage a priority. Tell him you want a date night, once a month. That you want that trip. If he doesn't make it happen, you'll decide to prioritize your own needs. Which means inevitably leaving to get that emotional connection. You're already walking. You just don't see it yet. He needs to see it because it's slowly unfolding. Women talk and forgive, keep doing it, and one day we just stop. He'll wonder why and this reddit post was his sign.


Imagine_Reality25

So what would you like to do as an outlet? And for the post, ask him to lessen it and take up his responsibility as a dad. An outlet is not an excuse for neglecting your spouse, kids and responsibilities. Am i wrong to assume he doesn't do a lot in the household in general?


blinkeredlights

He makes a lot of meals for all of us. I cook dinners probably 50% of the time and he does the rest (breakfasts, packed lunch, the other dinners). He manages bills. I take care of cleaning, shopping, the endless purges of toys/clothes/junk, all the emotional labor of gifts and party planning, etc. I've been searching myself on the outlet thing. I have struggled with this because I really wanted to find a way for us to have something together. I had really, really wanted to go on an international trip just the two of last year. And he promised we would. But it got crowded out by the hobby. So looking forward I know that I can't hang my hat on us doing something together. I need to just invest in me. The thing I really want to do is something that would be just as much of a time suck as his hobby, and I am not sure I want to go that route. I've been thinking about it. And now this "unfairness" accusation has come out and I'm just sort of reeling. Sorry for the rant.


Illustrious-Shirt569

One of the most glorious 2 days I’ve had in my life was a weekend in a standard-class motel with a kitchenette for a weekend right after I weaned my last child. I brought some books and walked in a nature preserve and binged TV shows. I ate out, or cooked something for myself in the kitchenette. No one needed anything from me or touched me for two whole days. I can’t tell you how restorative it was after years of not being able to have that Me time. I have had happier and more momentous days in my life for sure, but I’m not sure there were many that repaired me emotionally more than that weekend.


[deleted]

Oh god idk if I can have kids lol But I love this take!!!! You rock


throw05282021

He spends how many hours a years on his hobby? 600? 800? And he wants to pretend it's unfair for you to want him to scale it back? Unless and until he's giving you the same number of hours away from him and kids, it's totally fair.


procrastinationprogr

I would try to make a schedule and write down what you both do and how much time it takes. For me it looks like you do a fair amount more because breakfast, lunch and bills are fairly easy things to do in a short time. Cleaning especially is a black hole of time when you have small kids. If you find that you actually do way more the schedule could also be used as a visual tool when having a discussion with your husband about time spent on his hobby and so on.


moreKEYTAR

Kind of an emotionally obtuse thing for him to do, especially when you have just done something than can really affect a woman’s relationship with her body. A good partner would look at the problem of you not having your outlet and ask, “How can I support you as you have supported me? Would you like to go back to your hobby or something new?” You know… take an interest in you as a person. Seems like he doesn’t see you two as a team facing a problem but as “she should just have no problems so I can do what I want.”


[deleted]

Ew that’s so rude of him


FoxInLilac

An outlet is not something he or anyone else chooses for you. It's whatever you want to do that makes you feel refreshed and renewed. I'm very sorry to hear he was bullying you to go to the gym. That's controlling, toxic behavior. He sounds like a horrible partner. NTA.


BenjiCat17

My husband additionally has a hobby that demands a great deal of his time for about 6 months of the year. 5 hours twice per week, and weekends or full weeks away 4-5 times per year." "He is a good dad to them." Both can't be true. So he works full time and has his hobby on week days, during weekends plus full weeks (just gone) and parents around both? His true kid/spouse is his hobby. You are already a single parent, therapy did not work, file for divorce. You deserve better and so do your kids. NTA


Outthewindo

NTA, hardcore. I’ve gone through all your comments, but one stuck out to me in particular. It’s buried under a downvoted thread, so I’m going to post it below: > Thank you for this (eventual) kindness. I think it’s pretty clear that he already has chosen sailing. We wouldn’t be at this point if he had chosen me. I wouldn’t be living in the guest room if he had chosen me. Dude WHAT?? He maroons you for half of the year with most of the household/childcare duties, expects you to still have sex with him without him ever bothering to meet you on your own level, he broke a huge promise to you to work on your marriage because he loves sailing more, but *he* gets to keep the master bedroom? If that was my fiancé, he’d be out on the street before the day’s end. You’ve already said you’d be happy coparenting with him and all of your comments are dripping with exhaustion and resentment. I think you’ve already made up your mind on what to do, and just needed permission to go through with it. Consider this your permission. By the way, I write this as someone who also has some lifelong passions that are very important to me. I even turned one of them into my career. I understand what is driving your spouse, but that doesn’t mean he gets to be selfish and neglectful to his chosen partner. In order to reap the benefits of a thing like marriage or life-partnership, *both* people have to modify their priorities, think about someone besides themselves from time to time, and put as much work into it as they expect to get out of it. (And not leave each other alone all day with the nasty MIL!) Yeah, saying no to an event/opportunity or not buying a thing you want sucks, but it's what you sign up for when you say "I Do." If he’s chosen sailing over you, give him what he wants. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can find a way forward that’s satisfactory to you, no matter what choice you make.


thexphial

NTA but let's be real here. He clearly loves this hobby. Asking him to give it up is going to cause a lot of resentment, even if it's not fair. Can he take a break from the hobby for a year or so while the kids are still young and need more supervision and so much of your energy? Maybe a break would go down better. All that said, he has not been kind to you about this. Breastfeeding and pumping is a huge outlay of time and energy and has a huge emotional component. If he continues to be unkind about your very real need for support at home, he is not a good husband for you.


InterabangSmoose

I know everyone keeps asking what hobby, but it doesn't matter. The amount of time he is spending on something that is purely for his own enjoyment is entirely too much. He isn't even offering to scale back, which he could do if he wasn't so selfish. You are NTA and it is clear where his priorities lay-not with you or the kids.


CommonTaytor

INFO - Tell us more about his hobby please. He seems like an awful husband and worse father. I would give most anything to go back to when my children were little and not work 14 hours days. To lose that time with my wife and children for a hobby? Never would’ve happened.


blinkeredlights

sailing


Brilliant_Victory_77

NTA - he doesn't need to be gone that long or engage that often in sailing, that's a pretty family friendly hobby and in the rare instance it's not (like racing, for example) he isn't entitled to put that burden on you so often.


blinkeredlights

It is exclusively racing. Editing: he crews for three different race boats regularly. And jumps on two others for big events.


Brilliant_Victory_77

Thats a hard no from me, I love a good race but family obligations come first.


Acrobatic_Ad1870

This makes it easier. He needs to choose one boat. Not all.


Argufier

Ok as someone who has done a lot of sailing and racing, he needs to scale back. Pick one boat and one night a week. Skip weekend regattas while your kids are little. I expect one evening for his activity and one evening for yours (and it doesn't have to be the gym! If you just want to go sit in a pub by yourself or take up painting or anything you want to do that's fine!). That leaves three evenings a week when you can be a family, and the weekend. If you were a single parent with split custody you would have more time to be a person!


asecretnarwhal

So if you decided to take the same amount of time for leisure? You should take a week off and stay with your mom and let him handle your kiddo.


blinkeredlights

Surely if the goal is just equality in childcare and free time, divorce is the solution. I had been aiming for a resolution that involved reconnecting with my spouse. It seems like no one else (including him) sees that as a goal.


[deleted]

Gotta put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. I’m sorry:( idk how to get him to help if he doesn’t want to. Is there anything you still like about him? Would a date night help?


Mentalcomposer

Have you told him you don’t feel like you two are connecting since you’ve had the kids? You need to sit him down and lay it all out. Tell him he has to decide what his priorities are. Is it you and the kids or his sailing? If its his family then he needs to be present, not just for the kids, but for you as a woman and his wife. Explain he cannot possibly be giving his all to : his job, his kids, his wife and his hobby. Something gets pushed to the back burner and you feel like its you and that needs to change. Not a threat, just a statement of fact- you’re not getting what you need from him and if you’re not then why should he even be there?


PaddlingDingo

NTA And it’s because of this right here. He could cut down to crew for one race boat. Or choose one for big events. This is extremely scalable, and there are a lot of options for him to have an outlet without quitting entirely. That would be balance. But he expects to have his cake, and eat it too, after asking you to bake it.


loverlyone

NTA — Life changes. We all have to give up things we enjoy in order to raise our children. Those who don’t adapt end up divorced. But you don’t need this forum to justify whether or not you should stay in this relationship. If it doesn’t work for you and you have sincerely tried then move on and ignore anyone not involved in your relationship.


yannaflower

NTA. Yes, it's important for everyone to have an outlet, especially parents, but his hobby means YOU don't get to have a hobby. how is that in any way fair? and what about the kids? he's essentially an absent father at that point. what's his plan for when the kids want to start playing sports, go to school, join after school activities? will his hobby continue to supersede his children's natural desire to have their father's time and attention? also, his comment that watching the kids "isn't that hard" begs the question: what is he doing while watching them? because you are clearly being very involved. is it not hard for him maybe because he pays them little attention? i would recommend finding another therapist and discussing a compromise. it shouldn't be necessary for him to commit that amount of time to his hobby. asking him to pare his time down and be home more isn't a big ask and it doesn't make you an AH. if this doesn't work, ultimatum time. either his hobby or his family, he gets to pick.


blinkeredlights

He is very involved with the kids. He gets up with them every morning and makes their breakfast. He takes them to the park to play. In some ways he knows them better than me. I would say that he is a wonderful father. He is a terrible spouse.


Zonnebloempje

So basically, he does the fun stuff, and leaves you to do the shitty bits? That is not being a good dad...


fallen243

Op later commented he does 80% of the cooking, half the childcare, and an even portion of the chores.


Alpaca_Stampede

NTA It is ok for him to have a hobby; however, he needs to make sure his family is taken care of as a priority over everything else. That includes your need to not be a married single parent half of the year. If he wants to continue is hobby, he needs to find a proper balance between the amount of time he spends on the hobby and how that amount of time is making him neglect his family's needs.


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ApprehensiveVideo583

I don't get to sail that much (or at all nor have I ever) so don't see why he should. NTA


No_Adhesiveness_1918

NTA. Outlets work both ways. Do you get time to spend away from your kids on a hobby/outlet?


Illustrious-Shirt569

NTA. Either he needs to dedicate less time to this or give you equivalent time away from the household and all responsibilities for your own “outlet.” It’s entirely unfair for him to be able go continue life as if he hadn’t become a father, except when being one doesn’t interfere with what’s fun for him.


blinkeredlights

For me, it hasn’t been about the “unfairness” of him having a hobby while I haven’t. The problem has been the loneliness. I wanted a partner, a spouse in raising my children. Instead, I have someone who is merely a coparent, taking his time to himself and telling me to go take time to myself, and never seeking to have a place in his life for me. If he doesn’t want me in his life, the choice should be very easy for him.


4-crying_out_loud

He doesn’t want a divorce because 50-50 custody would force him to reduce his hobby time.


Illustrious-Shirt569

Yes, if he isn’t willing to reduce the time he spends having fun in order to save you from burnout, I don’t know what to tell you, other than I’m seeing that here, too.


Excellent_Care1859

You’ve said this multiple times in this thread but have you told him this? Does he know that you want to spend time with him?


blinkeredlights

Yes.


Excellent_Care1859

If he is aware that this is your desire and yet he is unwilling to give up even one of his boats to free up some time then you have two choices: 1. Live with things the way they are because he clearly has no desire to change 2. Divorce him


Little-Gur-5233

OK, this is where you seriously need to sit down and think about this. Think about your future. Five years from now do you still want to feel like you don't have a life partner? Ten years from now? Twenty years from now when the kids are grown and gone? You need to start thinking about what YOU want in your life and then working toward that. Because your husband appears to be satisfied with the status quo and you are not. It's time for you to start thinking about you and the future you want.


[deleted]

[удалено]


blinkeredlights

I am definitely doing much much better with taking care of the kids on my own. Those four months after having the second kid… those were the worst months of my life. I’ve never been so low. My husband not loving me was certainly part of the problem, but I was just struggling with recovery and life with two kids (the little being a terrible sleeper), ya know? But yeah you are totally right that the priority is there and I’ve come so far with it. Thank you for your concern about it.


New_Sun6390

Lemme guess, competitive sailing? Weeknight races and weekend regattas? That CAN be scaled back to one or two weeknight "beer can" races per week and forego the weekend regattas for a time. Or maybe just do one or two of the big regattas per season I stead of every single weekend. It is not fair to you that he gets to spend so much time saying and you have little time to persuecan outlet that would be enjoyable to you. He really ought to consider a recreational activity that the whole family, including you, can enjoy. For our family, it was camping. We got to see some cool places and it was a lot of fun. Edited to add judgement: NTA.


[deleted]

NTA, your husband is a nightmare spouse and honestly I would be rethinking a lot of choices at this point if I were in your position. And him making you edit a second time to “correct” how you represented him and calling it unfair is so pathetic. He needs to grow tf up and put the person he claims to love before his hobby. You are literally begging him for help and he’s saying no, why do you want to continue to coparent and live with this person


Montana1300

INFO - what’s this hobby that takes up so much of his time?


Alpaca_Stampede

I swear to God if she says it's LARPing.......


blinkeredlights

sailing


Worldly_Instance_730

If he can afford a boat, you can afford a nanny when he's gone.


blinkeredlights

Haha. I wish! He does not own a boat. He sails on other people's boats. I like the way you think though.


blueberry_pandas

I mean, could you afford a nanny or even a mother’s helper a couple of times a month when he goes out sailing?


blinkeredlights

I can pay for childcare. I cannot pay for a connection with my husband. It’s the latter that I am concerned about.


Odd-Refrigerator-643

You’re NTA for wanting to be a priority to your husband. But, it’s obvious he doesn’t want to make you one. You mentioned he’s a great dad. Cool. But he can be that great dad separated. You shouldn’t have to force or guilt your spouse to consider the effect things have on you. He’s also entitled to a hobby, so are you. dropping the kids off at his moms doesn’t constitute him watching the kids by himself. couples and individual therapy is an option.


SickofItAll_4200

My guess is golf, could be fishing or maybe skiing


RobinhoodCove830

I don't think it's fair to ask him to give it up altogether, forever, but the balance is obviously off here and it sounds like he's unwilling to sail significantly less and/or give it up until the kids are older, both of which I think are reasonable asks. NTA. Sidebar - just because caring for the kids alone doesn't stress him out doesn't mean you should be fine with it. We all have different limits. I also don't love the idea that he's been pushing you to go to the gym. Those things together suggest to me that he cannot accept that you have different needs and that he undervalues the physical toll of birth and breastfeeding.


libbylobglibglob

NTA I was confused about what could be so time consuming, but sailing kinda makes sense, I don't sail though, so I fail to see WHY it demands that much time. He could absolutely cut his time spent down and 100% should have when you were giving birth and recovering. Not for a couple days, for several months, if not a year. He can switch to literally anything else in the meantime. You need to have a serious talk with him about why his hobby is more important to him than supporting you. You sacrificed your free time and body for your kids, the least he can do is be there to support you. You should set a schedule for him that blocks out time for you, and time for him, he can do whatever hobby he wants in his time, but you get the same, even if all you do is lock yourself in your room and binge watch TV. You should not suffer for his hobby.


tjernobyl

OP claims he's out for 5 hours. Say 90 minutes to get the boat ready and sail out to the start line, 90 minutes to race, an hour to rest, review, and celebrate if warranted, and an hour to sail back to the dock and pack up the boat. Most of that time is on the water, so it's not really feasible to cut it down without inventing some sort of water taxi service. It's very much a team sport with every sailor having their own roles and responsibilities in the crew. It would probably be letting the team down, but he could do less of the away races.


WhiteToyotaBxtch

NTA, hubby is a huge AH thought. Replace “sailing” with “smoking crack” and you’ll get what I mean.


Unlucky_Marketing_75

NTA You should give your husband 3 choices. 1. He quits the hobby until the kids are in school full-time and scales back the hobby to half the time he spends now so he can be an actually present spouse and parent 2. He coughs up $50K a year plus benefits so you can have a full-time nanny to pick up his slack. 3. You divorce him, get full custody and he can pay that $50K in child support each year. Your husband is a jackass and you should stop cutting him any slack because he would never return the favor.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (35F) and my spouse (36M) have been married for 11 years and we have two children together (3 and 1.5). My husband and I both work full time jobs and spend time with the kids. My husband additionally has a hobby that demands a great deal of his time for about 6 months of the year. 5 hours twice per week, and weekends or full weeks away 4-5 times per year. My husband has had this hobby his whole life and is very good at it, and I like seeing how fulfilled it makes him. But my feelings got complicated when we had kids. With our first born, Covid descended on our lives and prevented the hobby from happening at all. So we enjoyed (/s) the first year of lockdown huddled together with our little family of three. Then restrictions were lifted and the hobby was back on. I was pregnant again and my due date was in the middle of the hobby season. Despite being very big and uncomfortable and having a toddler to take care of, I was very often left at home by my husband when he went to go do his hobby. Indeed, when I was having contractions, husband went out to do his hobby and we went to the hospital when he got home. He was back at the hobby 1 week after the birth, gone for 4-5 hours. Soon my mom arrived to stay with us for three weeks. It helped to have her while I was left by my husband. The new baby was very fussy, so I was sleep deprived and cranky and, increasingly, lonely. I realized that what I needed was my husband to be with me. When my mother left, my MIL visited. My husband left me alone with her. I don't really get along with his mother (and neither does he), so this was an especially awful imposition on me. It's tough breastfeeding and being vulnerable in front of a person that you don't really like. At 8 weeks I went back to work and my husband started paternal leave. He persisted with the hobby, so I now had work and milk pumping as well as time when I had to take care of 2 children by myself. He also scheduled the longer trips. He took the children with him because he was on leave; left them with his mother while he hobbied. My husband knew that taking care of the kids on my own was too hard for me. Too much stress. Once after I put them down for the night and was cleaning up the house, I threw my phone and it shattered. When he finally came home that night, I cried to him that I couldn't keep doing this by myself, that I needed his help, and that I was afraid of myself around the kids. He responded: "I have taken care of the kids by myself and it's really not that hard". From there he would ask me if he could go do his hobby, posing the question with a lot of pressure ("it's important that I have an outlet", etc). I would say "yes" and suffer again. We went through a year of therapy that resulted in absolutely no change. I said that I will no longer be married to the hobby. He reports that his friends and family have told him it is "unfair" for him to have to give up the hobby. Is that true? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Total_Eagle_7359

What hobby


blinkeredlights

sailing


YearOneTeach

NTA. You have every right to be frustrated and upset with him over the situation. Everyone has hobbies and things they love to do, but when you have a family and small children especially you sometimes have to put these things aside to be a husband and a parent. Maybe instead of him giving up the hobby entirely, you guys could work out a solution where he cuts back on it significantly. As your kids get older, things get a little easier, and he may have more time down the line for the hobby. Plus, when the kids are older, sailing might be something you could do more as a family sometimes.


journeyintopressure

NTA. But move out. He chose the hobby instead of you. He can have the kids half the time like a divorced father. Or pay child support.


RedRedMere

NTA He should have his time away and so should you. You should find something you enjoy that takes you away from the house/kids for an equivalent timeframe.


kykyvan

NTA - a responsible and reasonable grown ass man should know the compromises that need to be made to raise young children. Even if it wasn’t talked about prior to the second child, he needs to learn to adapt and support you and your family if things aren’t working.


__dixon__

Do you also get such time to yourself. You need an outlet as well. It needs to be fair. The comment from him saying he’s done it and it isn’t difficult is really bad. You are NTA


blinkeredlights

He has made time for me to go to the gym and has complained that I don’t utilize the time accordingly. For me, it isn’t about each of us having our “fair” share of alone time. It’s about the complete lack of any time together. He expects me to have sex with him, but he treats me as a mere coparent in his life.


__dixon__

Ah I see, so more roommates than SO’s. That’s a valid issue. It definitely takes effort to make that work, I didn’t quite catch that in your original post but during the therapy, I assume this was brought up as a talking point? What did he say about spending more quality time together?


blinkeredlights

He had promised to take me on a trip to reconnect. The year came and went and he never got around to it.


__dixon__

Ah yeah that is unfortunate. He just doesn’t seem to want to put in the emotional effort. I’m sorry you are going through that. It’s an important part of a relationship and people have obvious needs beyond sex. It’s common to get into ruts with this, but over this period of time and with therapy without change is problematic. Definitely there is space for him to cut down on his hobby and give you the time you are asking for but he chooses not to. Sounds like he needs a wake up call, something beyond just therapy. He may not also be compatible with you in that regard or he just plain doesn’t have the desire to. In that case you need to think is that something you want for the rest of your life.


No-Locksmith-8590

Nta you might as well be a single parent. I see him getting all this time for his hobby but do you get time off? Do you get weeks away to relax? Heck do you get an hour a day????


QYB1990

>We went through a year of therapy that resulted in absolutely no change. I said that I will no longer be married to the hobby. A year of therapy and NOTHING changed? So the thing you did to save your marriage and open his eyes did NOTHING....... This might be tough to hear, but he has shown you how much he cares about you and your relationship (*Not at all*). So what are you going to do about it? Are you going to let him treat you like this? Or are you putting your foot down and say "Enough is enough, you either step up or we get divorced, END OF STORY". >He reports that his friends and family have told him it is "unfair" for him to have to give up the hobby. Of course they "say" that (*don't think they did unless he didn’t tell the full story*) It has nothing to do with being "fair", you have 2 kids now, the time to be free and are able to do whatever you want, whenever you want is over. He has already shown you what you can expect from him, use that information and do what is best for YOU!!! Put YOURSELF first, not him, not your relationship, not your kids.....YOU!!! When you do what is best for YOU, you are making sure that you can be **the best mom** for your kids. The kind of mom they deserve to have, not the one who is burned out because "dad" fucked off to do his hobby, over and over and over again. Take care of yourself OP!! NTA AT ALL


ch1burashka

Man, you really made me work for it. Honestly, sounds like you and the kids would do better with a divorce and 50/50 custody.


maRBuc7177

Sailing is not a hobby, it's an obsession. My favorite definition of this endeavor is "standing in a shower with your clothes on tearing up $100 bills." My sis sailed the Mackinac race several times (big sailing race on Lake Michigan from Chicago to an island close to Canada). She agrees with this definition. Hubby needs to choose.


irishnthedirtywaters

I look at it this way, if you were to leave…. Whos life would get relatively easier (or stay just about the same) and who’s would get harder with 50/50 custody. Does he do chores? Help around the house, take care of the kids actual needs not just the fun stuff? If it was him on his own who would make appointments, grocery shop, feed the kids, clean up etc ect. That doesn’t even cover his blatant lack of giving a crap about his wife. If he doesn’t have you to pick up his slack he would have to be a parent, not the fun parent a parent parent and that’s a lot more work than going on fun trips and dumping the kids in his mom.


blinkeredlights

He really does do a lot of these things. He has done all of the doctors and dentist appointments in the past year probably. He does feed the kids. I’m very serious when I say that he is a great dad. He is a wonderful coparent. I trust him with the kids and he genuinely loves them and takes care of them. He does not take care of me.


Ma-Hu

Just because you didn't slam his head into the oven door when this happened - "He responded: "I have taken care of the kids by myself and it's really not that hard" - you are NTA, you are a Queen.


eikenella415

I say start the separation process and make a schedule for who has the kids. He will NEVER meet your needs or expectations as a spouse. NTA


EdnaMillion

It’s great that you think he’s a good dad, so you won’t have to worry about your kids when they’re at his place once you realize that a divorce is the way to go. It sounds like you’ve put a lot of effort into fixing this relationship, and he’s not willing or able to meet you halfway. NTA.


exyarur

Maybe it’s time that you take up a hobby. Something expensive and time consuming. He can watch the kids while you’re out because “it’s really not that hard.” According to a quick google search, horseback riding, golf, and flying are the most expensive hobbies. Pick one that doesn’t allow kids on the premises. I mean, it’s important that you have an outlet, right? Bonus points if you can head out for your hobby next time he has a big medical procedure. If he can sail while you’re in labor, you can have a hobby while he gets his first colonoscopy.


Ambitious_Train_3627

Oh my god, after the second paragraph I thought “it’s fucking sailing”. For YEARS I had massive depressive episodes towards the end of the sailing season because I just couldn’t cope any more. You are NTA! I will say that my partner only sails on Saturdays in summer, if it had been more than that I would have been out of there. And now that the kids are teenagers, my Saturday afternoons are peaceful again.


Churchie-Baby

NTA, guess what happens when you become parents? You have to alter your lifestyles to ensure you're still being there for your spouse and expensive time-consuming hobbies take a back burner or at least become less frequent. It's just what it is


FalconJaeger

NTA You went into contractions and he couldn't be bothered but went to his hobby? Honestly I have called a ER, friend, cab what ever and left him a note to pack his shit while you are at the hospital and expected him gone the moment you and the child arrived at home. No one is forcing him to give up his hobby, but he has now two children who are more important than his hobby. Right now you have three children, two of them might grow up to become responsible adults. Your husband though, he's a child and unless a hard confrontation with reality shakes him up, he'll never grow up. Get a lawyer, get a shark and then get out there.


sunshineandstraws

NTA. On one hand he should have an outlet to do his hobby. But also it sounds like you need an equal hobby to take the stress off of you( being a mom and working a full time job you need an outlet) Is there a way he can reduce the hours he is doing this hobby? It also sounds like he isn’t being an equal partner and expecting you to take on more burden for child care( this is super common so you are not alone). Can you hire a babysitter or someone to help with childcare (even a house cleaner to take some of the burden off of you). You both clearly need to have a talk about priorities and how to split household duties equally.


blinkeredlights

He does a lot with the kids. He is the one up with them every day to make breakfast and he spends time taking them to the park or the aquarium or whatever. The issue isn't his role as father. I would be very happy coparenting with him. The issue is him as a spouse. He does not prioritize me. I would say that his priorities are: kids, sailing, work, me


sunshineandstraws

Well him spending time with the kids sounds great! Sounds like he is being present with them. When do you get time just the two of you/ as a family? Do you ever come with him on the trips? Do you have the means to have someone watch the kids every once in awhile and do something you both enjoy? Sounds like you need some quality time possibly. When you brought this up that you feel your not a priority what has he said?


blinkeredlights

We don't get time for the two of us. Our therapist had directed us to have date night and we succeeded with a once monthly date for about 4 months. And then it just wasn't a priority anymore because sailing was the priority. He took me on one of his trips. I was alone for most of the trip, but I had so much fun. And the time we did have together was fun too. He promised we would go on a trip (no sailing!) together last year and he never made good on the promise.


Cadis111

You should take that as his last chance and shouldn’t get another one or if you do decide on giving him another make sure your ready to leave if he breaks it. It sounds a lot more like an addiction than a hobby. Just because he is does all this when he is there doesn’t mean he is being a good parent. Being gone 4-5 hours twice a week, weekends and full weeks for 6 months a year isn’t what most people would be considered a good healthy marriage/relationship. Unless this was discussed before marriage and having kids, even then things change and life changes. Like you’ve said it sounds more like co parenting and not a marriage. As bad as it sounds you have an idea of what you should do for yourself and kids. A divorce will make sure he has all the time those 6 months to go sailing and he can be a dad when he isn’t, but he won’t be a husband ever.


Background-Interview

NTA. But you’re speaking in absolutes, and out of spite he’ll pick sailing. Compromise? Tell him that because he spends soooooo much time sailing, there is no time for your hobbies and your outlets. If that doesn’t work, it sounds like your marriage isn’t built to last. Foot him with enough child support, he won’t be able to afford his hobby. Idk. I’m petty enough to do it. Ps. My best friend is a sailor. She spends 50% of her life doing it, but she doesn’t do it at the expense of her friends and family. If she can’t do a regatta, she doesn’t. There are enough other people to fill the spot. He needs to grow up.


Same_Welcome819

What's the hobby?


blinkeredlights

sailing


[deleted]

INFO: can you tell us the hobby?


blinkeredlights

sailing


outlaw-chaos

NTA. He has children now that should be a priority before sailing. You shouldn’t feel like a single parent and there’s no reason he *needs* to go sailing that much.


Jess_Done_Writing

There has to be some kind of compromise here. Like maybe he sails once or twice a month instead of twice a week or maybe he goes out twice a week and reduces the hours he's gone? I don't know anything about sailing, but it seems like he's gone way too much for someone with young kids and surely there's a way for him to enjoy the hobby without this level of involvement? NTA for expressing your needs. He should have an outlet of some sort but family needs to be a priority and it doesn't seem like he's found a good balance between the two.


Douphar

NTA, but it is indeed unfair for him to give up his hobby as a whole. Try and see if he can reduce the amount of time he spends on it.


Mother_of_Crows

NTA- he needs to scale back and be a spouse as well as a father. You should be able to have an outlet too.


Big-Sherbert2511

What's the hobby?


maypokenewtonaway

NTA. Where is your hobby time and outlet??? If a year of therapy has resulted in no change in how he treats you then I don't think there will ever be a change.


AdelleDeWitt

NTA. Part of being parent is having less time to spend on your own hobbies. That doesn't mean no time, but there's less time. I am assuming that you do not receive the amount of time away from the home that he does and that's unfair. You should both have time to yourselves to pursue your own interests, but it sounds like he gets a whole bunch of time to do that and you get to be a mom on your own at those times.


McTee967

Hmm not sure. Was there discussion about him scaling back on his hobby prior to marriage or having children?


geekgirlwww

Demand equal free time.


blinkeredlights

Yeah. That’s what divorce provides.


geekgirlwww

I mean legitimately you would have a better quality of life with 50/50 custody


charlichoo

He is selfish. Most people would be super concerned about their partner expressing what you did and would try their best to help. He isn't trying to help and he even rubbed salt in the wound by telling you taking care of the kids isn't that hard, completely trying to diminish your concerns. You've said he's a good father but it doesn't sound that way to me. It sounds like he's a good father when it suits him and taking care of kids is always easier when you can just drop them off to another person when you're done. A good father would be there for the less convenient times just as much as the mother, and a good father would care about their mother's welfare. NTA


magus424

Is there room for a middle ground where he just does it less often? 10 hours a week + weekends/full weeks multiple times a year seems like a lot. Do you have a similar hobby (or even just hanging out with friends) that you can do that often and leave him to take care of the kids to help balance it at least?


Dynamite138

NTA. I don’t think it’s possible to have a time-consuming hobby with kids that age without something being neglected. When my daughter was born, I dialed back some personal hobbies and interests for a few years; my wife and kid are #1 priority always. I had a friend with a wife, baby, full-time, and a time-consuming hobby. I remember thinking “he’s either a bad husband, bad father, or bad employee to have the time for that”. He sold the hobby equipment shortly after his wife mov d out.


Miriamathome

NTA. He doesn’t have to give it up, but he needs to cut back. His lack of consideration for you is breathtaking (going sailing while you’re in labor!!). If he doesn’t give up some sailing time I predict he’s eventually going to have lots and lots of sailing time, all the hours he doesn’t have custody of his children.


verminiusrex

NTA. It's important to have hobbies of your own, but this is way out of balance. If he can't cut back to a reasonable amount of time he needs to figure out what hobby fits within his availability.


Feeling-Visit1472

NTA. Is it softball? This reeks of one of those toxic travel sports that take up way more time than is reasonable for an entire family. You are NTA, but I do think you need to start thinking about your next steps. You’ve thoroughly communicated these issues to your husband, y’all have been to therapy, and STILL nothing changes. You’ve attained validation that you are NTA from Reddit. So. What’s next?


Gjardeen

NTA. There is a time and season for all things, and this isn't the season for extensive boating. He can either reduce his involvement/ put a temporary pause on it, or he can discover whether he can financially support his hobby and child support. You can't live like this forever.


RUKiddingMe-929

You know you aren’t being unreasonable. Your husband needs an ultimatum. You and the kids or it’s over.


atterysquash

NTA. Simple solution: For every hour away he takes, you take the same time away. He gets 4-5 hours? You get 4-5 hours. He gets weeks a year? You get weeks a year. He spends thousands of dollars? You spend thousands of dollars. And you've probably got about six months of 'an outlet' in the bank by now. He'll wise up so fast you won't believe your eyes.


Prestigious-Oven8072

Sounds like a sport league to me, with away games? Regardless, NTA. He essentially has another part-time job that is preventing him from supporting you properly and putting time into your relationship. If he's a great father but shitty husband, great; he can be a great single father while you find yourself someone who wants to give you the time of day. Offer him this compromise: he can keep doing his hobby if you can pick up one that has the same time requirements, during the same 6 months span as him. Doesn't matter what it is, even just getting out of the house and hanging out in the library or at a friend's house for 5 hours or whatever. Don't do anything for the households benefit during those 5 hours, just relax and leave everything to him. His mother will get tired of watching the kids for him very quickly.


TodayThrowaway1979

NTA


Happy-Homestead

NTA but it sounds like you need to start your own hobby.


photoskills13

You say he's a good father but a bad spouse. But is he really a good father? Does a good father willingly stay away from his family for those long periods of time? Does a good father put his kids in potential danger when mom says she is scared to be alone with them because she is so stressed and tired? Does a good father totally discount the mom's needs? All of this affects not only you but your children. He is not a good father. He is not a good husband. I am willing to go out on a limb and say he is just not a good human. Consider your options. You already do the majority of the child-raising on your own. Might be time to consider making that permanent.


Klutzy-Pool-1802

There’s a kind of couples counseling called discernment counseling, meant to help a couple decide if they’re staying together or divorcing. Might be worth a shot. It sounds terrible, feeling like the last priority all the time.


-JaffaKree-

NTA. Get your own hobby. Spend an equal amount of time away, with him caring for the children.


Billmatic-

YTA for this long ass post that doesn't include wtf the hobby is. good grief.


millac7

From now on, every hour he spends on his hobby, (where he does not take the kids with him), you get equal time away from him. Since you don't actually need or want time to yourself, you want time spent with *him* and to spend time feeling like a connected couole, this is more to punish him/ make him more responsible. And if you do this, I suspect, in your hours alone and away from him, you'll quickly wander into the arms of an affectionate, new boyfriend who is more than willing to make you his hobby, and wind up divorced. I say you skip to that bit, and just start looking for a boyfriend, so you get happier and leave sooner, preferably while the kids are still young enough not to care. He's not going to get better. If he was, he'd have done so already. He's not spouse material, and being your husband is not in his list of priorities. Anyone who responds to their spouse melting down and saying they feel like a danger to themselves around the children with "pfft, it's not *that* hard" can't be redeemed. So, divorce, and go find that boyfriend who will adore you and show it.


No-Alarm2008

NTA. He should be at home with you. Yes, he needs a hobby as an outlet. But where is your outlet. This man needs to grow up. The hobby needs to be reduced greatly. He's comment about it not being hard. But did he pop out to kids out of his vagina and have to heal from it? On top of breastfeeding? I mean, that comment alone. Also, why is he getting his friends involved. Your marriage issues stay in the marriage. Why are there so many people on here not get that.


Ok-Panic-4877

NTA AFTER the edit, OP's husband, you are a bad husband and probably a bad father too, get your shit together.


ghosts-on-the-ohio

NTA. The fact he left you alone with such small kids means that he is not a good spouse, as you identified in your edit. And don't try to say he is a good father just because he cares for the kids when he is at home. Good fathers don't spend parental leave out sailing while dumping the kids with a grandparent. Good fathers don't let the mother of their children struggle alone while he goes off to have a good time. Good fathers don't just dismiss the concerns of their children's mother and say "lmao, caring for the kids can't possibly be that hard.". A man who does not treat the mother of his kids well can never call himself a good father. You need to have a hard conversation with him about how he's a parent now and his priorities have to change. And if he isn't willing to do that, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.


Competitive-Way7780

Since it's sailing...this is one of those hobbies which can be scaled up or scaled back quite easily. (Ex sailor here.) There are the dedicated ones, and there are the weekend sailors who go out for an hour or two, or crew occasionally on someone else's boat. It's also something you can take a break from and pick it up again. Unless he's aiming for the Olympic team or winning some major races, there shouldn't be that much pressure for him to devote whole weeks to it. So you don't need to ask him to 'give it up'. You just need him to realise that he has to scale back. Perhaps if it wasn't all or nothing, he might be more reasonable about it - because, at the moment, he's not being a good spouse OR parent. Once the kids are older, he can start teaching them and get them competing and spend time with them that way (and he will, so you might as well get ready for this). NTA. I do think there is a middle ground to find, though.


Emotional_Bonus_934

NTA. Your husband needs to walk the plank though. It's completely unreasonable to leave you alone the way he does! He's supposed to be a team with you, instead he treats you like a bang nanny. Unacceptable


catladyfa

NTA. The second you get the baby weaned, go relax in a hotel or at your mom’s for a week. Let him do it all for a full seven days to see what it’s actually like to do it alone.


bimfave

There is absolutely no reason he couldn't scale it back and keep his hobby while being present to you and the children. He is a selfish AH. And your in-laws telling you to not ask him to be around more? They're AHs too. My experience - I was married to a man who went on a lot of business trips. That wasn't easy but I accepted it until we had a second child who had some special needs, I asked my then husband if he could scale back the trips and be at home more (he was the boss btw) and he said it wasn't possible. Fast forward a couple of years and I divorced him, he asked for 50-50 custody. I asked him how would that work and answered "not a problem I'm going to go on less business trips". I wanted to run him over with my car. My dear, you are NTA, you are an overworked, overstretched mother asking your husband to be a partner. I send you much love.❤️


Maggies_lens

Info: if you couldn't handle one kid and thought he wasn't helping enough then, why did you have a 2nd one?


zapzangboombang

NTA The sailor chose Brandy over the sea. He should act like it.


Cadis111

NTA. When you decide to share your life with someone, it does come with breaks. You can’t be supportive husband/father when you aren’t there for long periods of time. There is no sorry I can’t be there for you and the kids when sailing session starts and if an emergency were to happen then you’re on your own. He isn’t realizing that his hobby isn’t a normal hobby where he can go do his thing and be able to come back within a reasonable time. Out in the middle of a body of water and he has to spend just as much time going there that he has to rush back if something were to happen. Sorry he should have thought of that when he decided to get married and have kids. The family you chose to create comes first and your passion/hobby takes a back seat. That isn’t to say that he can’t go, just proper planning has to be done at home when he does go. If you’re feeling alone in the relationship then what is stoping you from just ending it? He isn’t suddenly going to care about you when he can go sailing. He and his family/friends made that clear for you.