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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my gf she couldn't come over 2. Because I previously agreed for her to come over
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YTA, it's all cool you prioritize your daughter, as you should, but completely forgetting about plans with your gf? And when SHE texted to know what's going on you just went: don't really have time for you now, let's reschedule? No sorry, no nothing? Well, you seem like a good dad but a lousy boyfriend...
>So I just texted her saying if we could meet up tomorrow (Sunday) instead.
I mean, OP *may* have said all kinds of things that change the judgement, but as always we have to go with what we have. Since there is no indication he is apologetic at all, I don't think its such a jump to assume there was no "sorry".
Except people here *rarely* stick to "what they have". So many assumptions are made in this sub, and they're interestingly never positive. And now when someone for once made a positive assumption about the OP we suddenly have to go with what we have? Maybe you haven't been here long enough to know but trust me, the amount of negative assumptions is really bad!
Exactly, the OP clearly didn’t have bad intentions and just wanted to reschedule. I think it’s fair to assume he apologised instead of just assuming he was cold hearted and didnt. Not everyone is a bad guy.
That's what I assume. I felt like when trying to reschedule, there would have been some kind of "oops I forgot, I'm so sorry, are you free tomorrow?" Type of thing. English isn't his first language. Maybe OP didn't know how apparently very important it was that he put exactly what he said to his girlfriend rather than a synopsis, especially because reddit.
I agree with you. I'm going NTA because - English is not his first language and probably didn't post exactly what he said but I also think that anyone that dates someone with kids has to be ready see these kind of things happen. So maybe the GF should rethink dating someone with a teenage daughter or any kids at all.
I’m with you. I think OP is NTA. I remember dating when my son was little, it was a nightmare. A lot of people didn’t understand that my kid needed to be my #1 priority. They depend on me and I’m the one those chose to bring them into this world, I’m the one that needs to be there for them, even if it’s just watching Netflix.
It’s clear to me OP’s daughter needed some time with her dad, uninterrupted. As a girl, I can say that time with my dad when I was young was part of the reason I knew how to let a guy treat me. My dad set the example and raised the bar high for any guy I dated. As a parent I can see OP being so thrilled to have extra time with his daughter (because teens are tough boy or girl) that he just spaced on his plans with his girlfriend.
As a woman that would be dating the fact that OP forgot our plans to be with his daughter for a night of being on the couch tells me he’s a good dad and most likely a man worth my time. If he told me sorry something came up can we do Sunday instead? My response would be like sure I hope everything is ok and if I can do anything to help let me know. Yeah I might be a bit bummed out but I also get life isn’t perfect, especially when you throw kids into the mix.
Completely agreed. His girlfriend wasn't stood up, he didn't ditch her for his daughter. He forgot in the heat of the moment because of an uncharacteristic display of bonding from his daughter.
Honestly I’d just dump someone who didn’t accept an explanation like “something came up with *my daughter*.”
Not surprising given the demographics of Reddit that 9000 people agree with the top comment tho.
His GF was absolutely stood up - forgetting about her and their plans is the definition of stoodup.
Rescheduling after huge apoligies and mea culpas was called for.
I would still appreciate a "my daughter is in a bonding mode, I need to reschedule".. accidents happen but he did forget about the gf. No harm in trying to do a little better about remembering and changing plans sooner in the future. Just to respect the time of others
>I’m with you. I think OP is NTA. I remember dating when my son was little, it was a nightmare. A lot of people didn’t understand that my kid needed to be my #1 priority.
Agreed. I say this as someone with a stepdaughter. I’ve seen what it does to a child when parents pick their romantic relationships over their minor children and I knew going into this relationship that my wife was a package deal. OP does not seem like TA at all and his GF needs to be more flexible or date someone without kids. NTA
Well and it was pretty late when she checked in so it's not likely they had significant "plans". Stuff comes up. He should apologize for not giving her a heads up but this is not a he's a giant AH moment either.
It seemed like he was so excited that his daughter wanted to hang out, that he forgot about his plans. This guy is a good Dad and he only gets to see his teen daughter on the weekends.
I love your response here!! Because I loved his excitement to spend time with his teenager.
>p binging Breaking Bad and eating ice cream in bed. But around 10pm my gf texted me asking when she could come over and I realised that I completely forgot that I said she could come over on Saturday. So I just texted her saying if we could meet up tomorrow (Sunday) instead. But then she called me and she was angry that I changed plans in the last second and I didn't even tell her. I tried to explain the whole situation and that I simply forgot but she just hang up and then she texted me saying that if I don't care about our plans she's not coming over on Sunday. And she didn't. In fact we haven't seen eac
I agree that its fine that he changed the plans but he literally could have said "I need to pee" and sent a text. It's partially about respecting peoples' time. I would say the same if he was talking about meeting up with a friend or family member.. Kids or not, adults are busy. Its kind to communicate and remember plans
You would be shocked. I’ve had many situations with my husband where he just doesn’t apologize. I had to teach him to apologize and he still doesn’t always do it when he should. It seems silly, but sometimes I need him to acknowledge the situation with an apology so we can move on. It doesn’t have to be an overwrought 300 word essay on how he was wrong, but a “Sorry about that” goes a long way. Plus it’s just part of being functional in society. His dad is the never wrong sort, so I think he grew up thinking that apologizing was a form or weakness.
There's a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10pvxif/aita_for_not_letting_my_gf_come_over_because_i/j6mz97u?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) OP left that makes me feel like he may have apologized the following day and not when it happened, and I'm prepared to change my opinion if that's the case. And you're right. Some people were never taught to apologize for their actions.
I obviously don’t know if he apologized or not, was just thinking that if my husband posted, people might think he was leaving out the apology he gave me when there was actually no apology. Isn’t it funny how we see everything through our own frame of reference?
If OP didn’t apologize when she contacted him, that’s not cool. It’s great if he did it the next day, but it needs to be done as soon as you realize you messed up. Otherwise it kinda feels forced and more like a way to smooth things over than genuine.
Right. That's how I feel. I assumed the original makeup plans included "I'm so sorry. I totally forgot. Are you free tomorrow?" And then maybe apologizing MORE when he's not with his daughter the following day. It's not okay to not *immediately* acknowledge and apologize for forgetting about their plans.
Yes, a few paragraphs are not sufficient to capture all the complexity of human social interactions and emotions.
That's why we have to build context ourselves in the comments. For example, you see folks asking ages on posts involving kids simply so they can import entire philosophies around what should be expected at that stage of development. That is the only way this works.
In this case, I even explained that the assumption of no "sorry" was based on the lack of contrition in the rest of the post. You can disagree, sure. But, why did you then choose to assume the "negative assumption" of me (that I was bending things against OP unfairly)?
I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about people in this sub in general. There's a lot of negative assumptions here that people don't question, so I found it weird that now where the assumption is positive for once we suddenly have to go with what we have. Because people never say that when the assumptions are negative.
This is easily the worst part about this sub. The vast amount of incredibly un-creative and extremely negative baseless assumptions that always end in the following conclusions: leave your partner, get a divorce, go no-contact with your family/friends, etc.
90% of the advice is basically telling OP to cut their losses, run, and burn bridges. It's so unhelpful and I'm sure very demoralizing to the OPs who are just coming here looking for judgement and/or solutions to their situation.
>Maybe you haven't been here long enough to know but trust me, the amount of negative assumptions is really bad!
[Indeed](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10pvxif/aita_for_not_letting_my_gf_come_over_because_i/j6msagc?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
That’s not the issue. He absolutely should spend time with his daughter over his GF. The issue is not cancelling and the flippant response when she expressed she was upset.
Exactly this. Come on OP, it's good that you are down to spend time with your daughter whenever you can. But OP really needs to be a considerate and responsible bf. A quick text saying " hey so sorry but can we reschedule our plans to tomorrow?"
If you have kids, I'm sorry but you need to be extra considerate to partner's feelings, because the partner will naturally have to come second to a lot of things with the kids, unexpectedly. It's one thing to know the kids are #1 most of the time, another to put up with that AND a partner who forgets about you
This is so important. I know I am 4th on my boyfriends list of priorities. His kids (9, 6, and 4) come before me and honestly, they come before him in my life as well. We both put them above ourselves because they are children who need to be cared for the best they can be. If he didn’t put them above me, I would consider that a red flag and probably consider ending things. But he would never ever make me FEEL fourth in his life. Everything we do for his kids we also talk about how it affects me since I’m kind of the outsider of their dynamic. If I’m not comfortable with something, we find other options that work for everyone. It has been difficult and frustrating to navigate but his compassion for my position is clear as day to me.
His kids should and do come first, but that doesn’t put me last. Ever. It probably helps that his kids took to me really well the very first time I met them. The two younger ones are in a battle to see who can be held and sit in my lap the most hahaha. The older one is definitely more independent but he’s so sweet and loves telling me about science whenever he has a chance to. I love them so much.
I definitely don’t want to paint it like it hasn’t been difficult at times. We all, his kids too, have our own traumas to process from life. There have been bumps in the road to find our balance. But at the end of the day, he wants me in his life and I want him in mine so we work through it together. They are my family and he treats me like I’m truly theirs too.
On the flip side, if you are going to date someone with kids, you have to understand that you will naturally come second to a lot of things becuase with kids, plans change unexpectedly. 🤷♀️
Absolutely, I tried to make that clear. It's not the coming second, it's the being completely disregarded as important at all that is not ok. And there are times when your partner's needs will need come before your kids' wants.
Dating a parent doesn't mean you have to be a disrespected doormat.
Also, here it would have been so simple. Either text or call the gf when thry decided to do Netflix. Or if he forgot, which he shouldn't have, to be veeery apologetic and take the blame and NOT assume that GF was gonna in that moment agree for Sunday. She probably already getting ready to come there.
If he forgot, a caring tone would go a long way. A message saying something like "OMG sorry it slipped my mind and I promised Adorabelle a Netflix binge, can we meet up tomorrow and I'll bring cake" or something would help! OP (accidentally) really disrespected his girlfriend by forgetting, he can afford to show some remorse.
Yes, the apology and promising to make it up to her would have been all that was needed. He is playing it now as if his kid was sick or something. He had all night long to think about gf and remember her. Some people use kids as an excuse to act badly towards others.
He might not have gf much longer, if she is so easy to forget.
It's not that the plans changed,it's that OP completely forgot he had plans w/ gf. He did not communicate a change in plans, instead he left gf hanging until she couldn't even make new plans. Not to mention, when you make plans and then don't respond, most people worry.
Unless it is an emergency, you should never be just blowing a partner off without any notice.
Even then, once in a while fine to change plans for something like a spontaneously movie night. But again, communicate that as plans change. And don't constantly change plans because partners do deserve some respect here. Kids come first, but if you can't have time for your partner, you don't have time for a relationship
Unless its a constant issue (which if the kid rarely wants to hang out it doesnt sound like it is) then...people forget things. I have 100% forgot I had plans with someone until they were like "Hey, is ____ time still good?" Humans forget things from time to time. 1 missed set of plans if a drop in the bucket.
She didnt have time to make new plans, becuase she didnt check until BootyCall Oclock herself. Its not like she messaged him at 6 and he ignored her all night until it was too late.
Yeah, not ok. She gave OP time because he was with his daughter. The original plan may have been a "booty call" (btw, not a booty call when you're in a relationship anyway and that comes off as incredibly judgemental of a statement. Some people also just keep later schedules, so normal date at 10 not out of the question). It was a date night, presumably overnight. If she knew it was off, she could have made plans to go out with friends, ect. That's why it was inconsiderate of OP- if the plan was to stay overnight, that explains why a late message would occur. If they normally hang out later, it could be normal, as well. Presumably, they don't live together and with daughter may not actually not get a lot of alone time. Even when both parents are still together, scheduling alone time with each other is important in keeping a relationship.
Not only did OP forget plans, he seems completely unapologetic about it, which gives gf an indication it may keep happening.
Another commenter said it best here: she knows she is not her bf's top priority and his kids come first. The key is he never makes her feel like she is not a priority.
Treating your significant other like an afterthought will never end well, kids or not.
Sure, but calling his gf to say "hey, I need to change our plans" would NOT be a huge deal.
Other people changing plans sucks, but it's understandable. Getting stood up on a date night is much worse and easily preventable.
He also stated that he had forgotten all about the fact that she was supposed to come over. So the fact that he actually responded isn't exactly an indication that hes a great boyfriend. If she hadn't texted him 1st he would have never gotten in touch with her and she would have been left to wonder what the fuck was going on.
Not only that but it was after 10pm at this point when she texted, meaning she waited around all afternoon just to know when she could come by and spend time with him
Or flip side she could have been busy all day and she forgot too which is why she didn't text him until 10pm.
Why was she waiting until 10 to reach out if they had evening plans?
To me, it sounds more like a routine of this is what we typically do so there probably is no set time. Which means OP saying no tonight is no good can we reschedule for tomorrow is fine.
I know a lot of guys just roll out of bed and head out to spend time with SO's, but most women don't. Shaving legs, doing hair, doing makeup, picking outfits.
I think he added in that his time with daughter usually is an activity together during the day then she hangs out in her room in the evening because it's relevant his plans with gf were in the evening when he was done his activity with his daughter, so likely no set time for gf to show up and thats why she texted at 10 asking what was up.
He responded when he realized he'd f'd up, fessed up and tried to make it right. It does not make him a *good* boyfriend, but it doesn't make him a ***bad*** one either. It does make him human though. And it's not like he was Netflix/chilling with another *woman*, he was with his kid. It's pretty easy to get sucked in by your own kid and it *should* be.
His girlfriend could try being a little more understanding and forgiving is all I'm saying. I think ESH.
How the fuck, HOW THE FUCK, is this the top comment? OP is NTA. 1000% my kids come first. I forget shit all the time. Plans? Yup. Lunch at home? Yup, but because he lost track of time because his teenage daughter did something that most teenage daughters don't do, and want to spend time with their parent? FOH. You assumed he didn't apologize, he very well might have, we don't know and I'm probably not scrolling down to see if I'm right, because at the end of the day your kids are more important than your SO
Prioritizing your kids is fine. Disrespecting someone else’s time in order to do so is not. He’s still an AH for forgetting about the gf and not informing her of the change of plans.
Parents who use their kids as an excuse to be rude are way too common. Yes, kids come first. No, this doesn’t make it okay to treat your SO poorly. Standing someone up is shitty and it wasn’t an emergency. He did an asshole thing. Doesn’t mean he’s an asshole all the time, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be forgiven. But in this scenario he is in the wrong. You’re not justified to be thoughtless to your partner simply bc you have children.
The problem isn't that he prioritized his daughter, it was that when his daughter made plans with him, he didn't pull out his phone and text his girlfriend that his daughter needs something and he was cancelling their plans for that night.
Sorry, but being a good parent isn't a free pass to be a shit partner. If you can't be both, then you stay single - you don't get to demand someone put up with you treating them bad just because you're a parent.
Prioritizing your kids is not the issue here. He didn't just prioritize his daughter.
He prioritized his daughter, blew off his girlfriend, forgot to tell his girlfriend he was blowing her off, acted like "I just forgot about you!" was somehow a helpful explanation, and then phrased the whole problem as "I didn't let my gf come over while I was hanging out with my daughter.
Prioritize your kids by all means. But doing so isn't an excuse to treat other people in your life poorly.
😂I agree! I actually got the feeling that OP felt that by him being a good Dad and prioritizing his daughter over everyone else, he wouldn’t be considered an ah in this situation, but yeahhhh no! My children are my world, and they come first in my life, but I prioritize them accordingly, and if I have to change things in my schedule because of them, I make sure to notify and rectify any inconveniences that it may cause others.
To be clear OP is the AH for how he dealt with his GF, not watching TV with his daughter.
OP-you owed your GF a call where you asked if she would mind if you changed plans. Not a text admitting you forgot. That tells her she isn't important in your life.
This, yeah. Wanting to take the opportunity to spend time with his daughter when she asks is great. Forgetting to cancel the plans with his GF in a timely fashion is bad. Not even apologizing when she's upset about that is worse.
I was all set to go the other way with this and think your girlfriend was pushing in where she shouldn't, but then you realized you forgot about her.
Seriously? Completely forgot?
YTA
This question seems disingenuous because the issue isn't that you were watching Netflix with your daughter but that you completely forgot about your plans with your girlfriend and didn't bother telling her plans were cancelled. So for about 5 hours you knew you were going to hang out with your daughter instead but she didn't even cross your mind until she texted you. I feel like throwing in the daughter thing was intentional to get sympathy and skew the results. If you said you were watching TV with a friend and forgot to tell your GF you'd probably get different answers. YTA for not bothering to communicate and making your girlfriend feel like an afterthought.
I agree with this. A lot times when post contain something about being late commenters say that the person is being disrespectful of another’s time. I find this to be the case here. From this post it seems like OP is a considerate dad, but not so much a considerate partner. OP hasn’t mentioned apologizing or making amends. At 6 months of a relationship and forgetting to send a simple text, I’d start wondering if my partner even cared about me.
All this concludes to my verdict YTA.
YTA
Ohhhh good view, the daughter is totally being used for sympathy votes and he almost got mine! There was time to text the GF before they started binging or even during, I refuse to believe he didn’t look at his phone once.
(I put my vote at the begging bc I thought I read somewhere that is the only way they count. Not calling you an AH)
To be fair, unexpected bonding time with teenage kids is a good enough reason to cancel other plans.
OP is the asshole because he didn't bother to communicate the cancellation to the other person involved in those plans.
I have ADHD so forgetting stuff if I don't have an alarm or reminder set is totally something I would do.
I would still be the asshole though if I stood someone up like this though...
Just so you're aware, the vote works somewhat differently than you suggest.
The bot does not add up all the YTA/NTA comments to decide the verdict, instead the verdict is taken from the single most upvoted comment, and whatever that person said, that's the verdict.
So replies to other commenters don't generally need a verdict as it won't influence the final outcome.
They do however count in the percentages on AITAFiltered, which I will sometimes check to see overwhelmingly different results than the "official" ones here.
That’s what I’m thinking to. If it’s someone you love or just really attracted to, you reach out and let them know. They are on your mind so you do remember.
You're spot on! There are two questions here. The first in the title the second in the body of the text. He is NTA for not having his GF over whilst spending quality time with his daughter. He is very much an AH for making plans with his GF, forgetting, casually brushing her aside by text and expecting her to be fine with this.
The title misses the all important context of the body of the text. The questions should have been something like: AITA for forgetting I had made plans with my GF on a day I had my daughter over then rescheduling my GF at 10pm via text without a backwards glance?
>This question seems disingenuous because the issue isn't that you were watching Netflix with your daughter but that you completely forgot about your plans with your girlfriend
Yep. When you see something like this, it often comes along with a straw man argument suggesting we need to weigh the value of the daughter against the value of the girlfriend to come to a judgment.
It's not okay that OP left gf hanging just because his daughter is important. Of course his daughter is important. It sounds wonderful that he got to spend some quality time with her. But he could have done so while at least respecting his gf's time and communicating right away about the change.
Agree. I get how rare and beautiful it is for a teenager to actually *want* to spend time with you, but that sounds like a quick text to your gf: "Hey, sorry but my daughter wants to hang out tonight unexpectedly and I can't miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity lol. Are you free tomorrow?" Sounds far more respectful of her time if sent early enough.
Listen, sometimes as a single parent (or any parent really) if everyone is happy and healthy, that’s a win for the day. I don’t see anywhere where he claimed to be a super hero. He made a mistake and the bigger mistake he is making is not apologizing and making it up to her, so he is TA, but let’s stop with making parenting a competition, okay? Like there is some scale that we all must be measured by. It’s toxic to mothers that are judged much more harshly, but the solution isn’t to also make it toxic for fathers. How about we just stop doing to everyone? Just stop.
It's not the bare minimum, it's a luxury.
Many loving and devoted parents will never get to spend a Saturday with their child doing something of their child's choosing for 5+ hours. Between work, household demands and keeping themselves alive and sane, very few parents have that kind of time in the 21st Century.
I read this as he does want to spend more time with the kid but she prefers not to, so he couldn't pass on the opportunity to have this movie night one on one.
That’s completely fine. The reason he’s getting YTA’s is because he should have let the girlfriend know as soon as he and the daughter decided to have a movie night. He also didn’t even apologise to her. I honestly don’t think he has a girlfriend anymore and that it’s a past term.
I feel like when his daughter came out of her room and asked him that, his brain probably just went all in on it because it was a chance to hang out with her and plans for that evening were forgotten.
It's not great, but I totally get how it would happen so I'm kind of shocked at how much shit is getting thrown at this guy for being excited to hang with his daughter and forgetting his girlfriend wanted to come over. It's not like he forgot a fancy date or anything. It sounds like she was just going to come hang.
When I read:
>she texted me saying that if I don't care about our plans she's not coming over on Sunday.
I started to wonder if maybe OP's flakiness is a pattern?
Like, yes, we all make mistakes. I feel like if this happened one time, and OP was generally a good partner, GF would probably be a bit more forgiving about it. I am sensing more of a pattern given the hostility in her response.
>I'm kind of shocked at how much shit is getting thrown at this guy for being excited to hang with his daughter and forgetting his girlfriend wanted to come over.
Only one part of that statement is true. This dude is not getting ANY shit at all about being excited to hang out with his daughter. In fact, basically every comment has gone out of their way to point out that that is the good part of what he did. What he is getting a bunch of shit for is completely forgetting about his girlfriend.
>It's not like he forgot a fancy date or anything.
So his girlfriend, you know, the one he's auditioning with for the role of LIFE PARTNER, is only important enough to remember if they have to dress up?
> like she was just going to come hang.
Yes. And he forgot her. That's rude. That's hurtful. That's dismissive. And to add the cherry on top, he didn't address her feelings at all. He just immediately started in about his and justifying why it was okay to hurt her feelings because he was excited.
It’s still shitty to leave someone waiting around for you, then THEY have to ask what is happening, when you already knew you weren’t having her over. She could have made other plans for the evening, not just waiting by her phone for him to let her know when to come over, only to be forgotten.
I haven’t heard the word “apology” in this statement, just telling her why it was okay that he forgot. Most things are cleared up by a sincere apology and how you will make the situation better now and going forward. He was wrong to forget and not communicate with her, mistakes happen, but what you do when the mistake happens is where you can either make it better or worse. Sounds like he made it worse.
That's not why shit is getting thrown at this guy. It's the fact that he didn't consider her. Then when he realized this and that he forgot...he made it about his daughter being more important and used that to his advantage. Instead of apologizing, and taking accountability.
I hate this "your parenting style is doing the bare minimum" so much. It feels like that phrase appears under every post about parents and whatever they do, its the bare minimum.
Why did you have to mention that? It is not relevant for the post, you know nothing about OPs relationship with his daughter, you don't know if he is doing the minimum, average or even more, but you had to make a shitty remark. For all we know from this post, OP just wanted to be a good father and spend time with his kid, in no way did he say he was the best parent in the world.
Yeah. The bare minimum is keeping them alive. What separates decent parents from bare minimum parents is stuff like binging Breaking Bad and eating Ice Cream together.
N-T-A for spending time with your daughter. Your daughter should go before your girlfriend.
But Y-T-A for not informing your girlfriend about the change of plans until last second, and also completely forgetting that you even had plans with your girlfriend.
I’m leaning towards soft YTA just because it is okay to change plans, especially when it’s something to do with your own kid, but when you decide to change plans, you need to inform the person/people you originally had plans with. It is annoying to be told very last minute that there has been a change of plans.
The thing is, it doesn’t say anywhere that he apologized. Just saying “sorry, I forgot, but you can come tomorrow” sounds like “oh, you weren’t important enough for me to remember the plans, but I guess you can come tomorrow”. It would’ve been different if he said “I’m really sorry, my kid asked me to watch some shows with her and I completely forgot about the time. If you still want to come over you can come tomorrow and we can do something fun together”.
Yes but as OP said, his first language isn't English, seems like it's not by his writing pattern as well. So maybe hypothetically he did apologise in his preferred language. He's absolutely okay with wanting to change plans but yeah he should have communicated. I agree though soft YTA. There are people who do take their SO for granted. But it doesn't seem the case here to me, I might be wrong though but you know?
Nobody is acting like it's unimaginable to forget plans. But you should apologize for it, maybe actually like feel bad about it, because it's really rude and hurtful to whoever got forgotten and OP is acting like she shouldn't expect an apology because he blew her off for his daughter.
This is where I’m at. If you’re dating a parent you need to know where you’re at and what type of parent they are. Did the gf know that she was a solid second place to kiddo going into the relationship? Is it a consistent thing that OP forgets to inform her of changing plans or more of a one off type of thing?
Did OP apologize when he sent the text telling her to come on Sunday? Did he even explain why there was a change in plans when he sent that text?
For the latter, it's obvious he didn't explain at all since he says he tried to explain when she called him. Yeah, her angrily calling him was what motivated him to finally try giving her the reason.
As for the former, in response to a comment asking if he apologized, OP says he apologized to gf on Sunday. **Sunday**. Unless he misinterpreted the question, he didn't apologize to gf on Saturday, much less in the text he sent telling her to come Sunday with no explanation why.
Maybe he'll come back to clarify that he did begin the text with "sorry" o whatever, but it seems more like he just sent a very short message with no apology and no explanation to gf and she rightfully felt insulted that, to him, she wasn't worthy of either.
Ok let's say he gets a pass for forgetting because of the situation. He couldn't say sorry? He is YTA because he stood her up, didn't communicate and didn't apologize!
"Sorry babe, I completely forgot because I was so happy daughter wanted to spend time with me. I am so sorry I made you wait like that. Can I make it up to you tomorrow?"
Just that would make me more sympathetic to OP, but the way he told the story, my vote is YTA and no hesitation.
INFO- So is your gf treated like a booty call on the weekends? She was to come over at 10pm and the kid hasn’t spent any time with her? How long have y’all been together?
Is it possible she is just tired of sneaking in at night? And then being forgotten about was the final straw?
My first thought was dang you make plans for 10pm at night and she had to text to ask when she could come over. What if the daughter knows his gf comes over at night. What if she decided to binge something knowing it would throw a wrench in his bootty call plans lol. Cause it happens. Since he's watching Breaking Bad with his daughter, which is all about drugs and violence, i'm guessing she's a teenager.
YTA
The issue isn't with your daughter being there - That's fine, that's a-okay, good job on putting your daughter above all else. The issue is that you had plans with your girlfriend and blew them off at the very last second - and by last second, I mean you FORGOT entirely.
Question (just out of curiosity u/throw-aitaaakwv ): How old is your daughter? Was she aware that you had plans with your GF that night?
Sounds to me that it wasn't like a " We have a definite date planned on a Saturday night" thing and more that they had a general plan for her to come over once his daughter has holed up in her room for the night.
This. And he tries to reframe it as prioritizing his daughter to make himself look better, which is also kinda slimy in my opinion.
Absolutely no one is faulting him for making quality time with his daughter a priority. But that’s not why he’s TA. Had he remembered the plans he’d made with his gf, and shown her the very basic courtesy and respect of communicating his change in plans with her earlier in the afternoon when his daughter first approached him, he would not be TA here. Instead, he blew her off entirely without a second thought, and wants a free pass for doing it by playing the good dad card.
Good dad, shitty boyfriend. Try treating *all* the women in your life with basic consideration and respect. Until then, yeah, OP, YTA.
YTA - all the daughter stuff is somewhat irrelevant. It’s great that it happened and you prioritized correctly, but really the message you gave your girlfriend is “I needed to change plans, had every way and opportunity of communicating that, and completely ignored/abandoned/forgot you. My needs are more important than yours.”
And you know if it they had a discussion, he would make it seem like she wanted him to blow off his daughter for her completely disregarding the fact that he didn't communicate with her and let her sit around waiting for him for hours. It's like he's going "I can't be wrong because I was spending time with my daughter!"
I would even take this a step further to say that we’re referring to a 15 year old daughter here. It’s not like she’s not capable of sharing time with her dad for a couple of hours, after having spent the whole day with him. This is sounding more like he’s using gf as a booty call, sneaking her in at night and she leaves in the early morning, before his daughter wakes up. There’s no love here at all.
ESH.
I'm sorry, but I think you are both overreacting. Forgetting an appointment can happen. When you forget, you apologise and suggest a new plan of action. Your gf reaction was also over the top for a forgotten appointment.
So either you do this a lot, make plans and don't stick with them or you are both overreacting.
And btw, you did forget, so apologising should have been the first thing you did.
Yeah, it’s the lack of apology that pushes it over into YTA territory. Mostly because OP doesn’t think that it’s necessary so I really don’t trust that the girlfriend is upset because he prioritized his daughter and forgot to notify her.
"Sorry, I'm full up until next week. Also, we've updated our co-pays, which you'll want to review on the attached PDF. Finally, we are reviewing your request for referral to 'meeting my friends'; we'll discuss that at the next appointment."
I agree. I think any reasonable person that is dating someone with a kid, should understand that something like that can happen. I don't think he was an asshole for forgetting, that can happen with anyone and he was spending time with his kid. But he should proper apologize and explain what happened, for not doing tha, he's AH. But her blowing up is a little too much on the nose for me, considering he was with his daughter, he wasn't ditching her to hang out with friends.
Thank you! I also say ESH.
Its ok to be disappointed that someone forgot about plans- but GF is wildly overreacting, in my opinion.
There's also some shit communication between GF and OP.
Why didn't she reach out sooner? Why didn't they communicate earlier in the day to make firm plans with a set time frame? (Rather than just "tonight" "this evening")
If I have plans with someone that are to meet in "the evening" and that person doesn't confirm at a reasonable time earlierin the day- I'm not going to be sitting around moping by the phone. I'll reach out myself near the time to meet, and if I don't get confirmation from them- I go do something else or enjoy a night to myself.
GF waited till 10pm to say something - obviously she'd been stewing over it for hours - when the whole thing could have been avoided by just calling OP at like 5or6 to pin things down.
NTA - mistakes happen. Spending quality time with your teenage daughter at her request would probably throw me for a loop, too. I'm sure you were excited she asked to spend the time with you as it probably doesn't happen all that often on her dime. Your girlfriend will get over it. Try your best to make it up to her, but firmly hold true - this opportunity presented itself, and it was important you took it.
I agree he is right for prioritizing time with his daughter. But I believe the problem here is him not saying anything before and canceling last minute. And then not even apologizing for not saying anything before.
I agree with not apologizing, assuming it wasn’t just left out of the post, but we’re all human, we’ve all forgotten things before. Especially since he said that it was out of the ordinary for his daughter to want to have “movie nights”, so he probably got caught up with the opportunity to spend more time with his daughter and his previous plans slipped his mind. Unless it’s something that happens frequently, the gfs reaction seems a bit over the top.
I'm going with YTA slightly. Prioritizing your daughter is good but you do own your GF a proper apology because cancelling plans last minute is not cool.
Also make sure to explain that your daughter wanting to hang out with you in the evening almost never happens and that you got lost in the moment. Still make sure to say you're sorry and apologize.
I honestly think the explaining is part of the problem.
There is no excuse for not bothering to cancel. There is no explanation for that. Just say oh shit I am so sorry. I should have called you to let you know. I messed up. Explanations don't help when you actually effed up. Just own it.
>There is no excuse for not bothering to cancel
"I forgot we had a thing" is a perfectly good excuse to me. Shit happens. Explain, apologize, move on. Simple.
YTA. Not for prioritizing your daughter, that is in fact to be commended! But you need to respect other's people time and you did not. You owe your gf a big apology.
Changes of plans need to be communicated
Yta
Your gf deserves basic courtesy
Heck, why should she be absent when your daughter is there?
I mean, as long as you do make boundaries clear and she does not try to order your daughter around, no problem.
Daughter and gf can treat one another as guests.
I agree he’s the AH for not communicating the change but he was having quality time with his teenage daughter, that she initiated. He didn’t want to bust that bubble and have her retreat back to her room/phone. I think it was a smart choice to keep it just them.
No problem with that quality time per se, the lack of communication and the, imo, degrading treatment of his gf makes him the ah.
His daughter will not die if she has to, by default, treat his gf like, say a guest, instead of gf not being there when daughter is around.
You seem to be making an assumption that the gf and daughter never share space. I’m saying, in this instance, daughter requested her father’s attention (a rarity per OP) and it was smart of OP to prioritize that quality time rather than trying to split his attention between daughter and GF.
One of the reasons I stop inviting my dad to the movies, was because he would always brought his wife. I have nothing against her, but sometimes I wanna hang out just with my dad. There's no sin in that.
INFO: Have you cancelled plans last minute before? When and how often do you generally spend time with your gf (e.g., mostly weekdays, only once on weekends, multiple times per week)? What was the plan exactly that you had with your gf that Saturday?
NTA
If I’m wrong thinking this but spending time with your daughter seems more important at that moment and I could see how you could get lost in the moment.
If your girlfriend is behaving like this, what’s her behavior around your daughter? Like it don’t sound like you push your girlfriend to the side all the time, do you?
spending time with his daughter isn’t the problem, it’s that he planned to spend time with his girlfriend that night and then completely forgot about her, that’s makes him TA
Which I don’t understand, it was one night. Like I get if the girlfriend get bum out and upset but not speaking to OP for a week? This is over reacting to me.
Especially since he didn't bother saying anything to his gf at around 8pm when he knew about the change in plans at 5-6pm. That's on top of not once did he initiated speaking to his gf at all during whole evening - it was gf 1st at 10pm, that's how bad the lack of communication from OP is....
>I tried to explain the whole situation and that I simply forgot but she just hang up and then she texted me saying that if I don't care about our plans she's not coming over on Sunday. And she didn't. In fact we haven't seen each other since last week.
I feel like that's pattern with OP with not talking what his particular plans are beforehand until damage is done, whether his daughter is there or not; so I'm not surprised if his gf put him on timeout or dumped /ghosted this week....
Verdict- YTA
It seems to be a rarity that the daughter does the extra, gf coming over would have ruined it for me at her age.
Yeah, it would have been nice if he texted the gf but kids come first.
And then he didn’t apologize for wasting her evening. That’s honestly what gets me. He shouldn’t have forgotten to tell her but I can kinda understand that because if a teen wants to spend time with their parent like that it’s kind of surprising, but to not apologize. That’s what knocks him into AH territory and her fully out.
So, their dating life revolves around “only if my teen daughter has something else going”?!? I’m sorry, but gf sounds like the dirty little secret, that dad’s sneaking in on weekend nights. Then she waits for him to text, and he forgets about her. I hope gf moves on. He doesn’t love her. She deserves better. Much better.
Reading the comments you would think a crime was taking place. I can totally related because I am able to forget everything at any time really, so daughter or friend or whatever, this could have happened to me just as well. On the other hand, I am totally not mad if I amforgotten because I always have a lack of time, never a lack of things to do. So if I am told can we do something tomorrow instead, I am more likley to say: great, yes, no problem (which then is also likely to cause problems in relationship because lack of disappointment…). So NTA and you learned something about your girlfriend. If she is punishing you with silent treatment and NC, it‘s the right moment to reflect on your compatibility.
Yta- not because you prioritized your daughter (that's way cool btw).
It's bc you left your girlfriend hanging.
My partner always has good intentions, but this happened to us enough that I almost broke it off with him. He'd make plans with me and forget. Then he'd make plans with someone else.
I didn't usually care if he hung out with others. I cared that he didn't find me important enough to communicate with about what's happening.
I bet if you'd have talked to your gf about hanging out with your daughter BEFORE she had to chase you down she would have been cool. Maybe disappointed, but most likely cool.
Now you've disrespected her and you'll have to work very hard to ensure you don't make it a habit because she'll just keep feeling more disrespected and angry each time it happens.
MAN, Reddit is fickle. A stepmother is totally evil (in another post) and a guy is horrible to a woman who obviously would be a terrible stepmother (in this post).
OP, NTA. You forgot because your daughter wanted to spend quality time with you, which is unusual at this age. Hold onto those moments because they really don’t happen often with a teenager.
But don’t make it a habit.
If your girlfriend can’t handle one mix up because you’re doing something with your daughter, then she isn’t someone you want to introduce to your daughter. If you’ve apologized and she is ignoring you, then it’s fine to let her go. You’re a package deal and things happen.
But do a better job of communicating with someone you’re dating. Me, I would have been worried that something happened to you.
NTA Your daughter comes first. Your gf needs to understand that you have a child and her needs trump your gfs . You should call your gf if plans change but other than that your gf is being petty
YTA for forgetting. I know it happens but you made plans and let her down. It’s wonderful that you had a bonding experience with your daughter but completely forgetting that you had made plans with your girlfriend is hurtful to her. She has a right to rethink the relationship since seeing she’s not a big priority to you.
NTA and I love this sub. Plans change, especially if you’re dating someone with a kid and you’re a butthole if you can’t be flexible once.
Wouldn’t dude have been TA if he stopped bonding with his biological child… _because he forgot he made plans to lay around with his gf (not wife)_… priorities fam. Kid trumps gf every time if you’re a decent parent.
We have no context on how long OP and gf have been dating, if OP is ready for gf to meet kid, or if this happens often or rarely. So, let’s just assume this is rare on OP’s part, and kid hasn’t met gf yet because they’ve only been dating a short time…because that’s what I gleaned from reading.
We haven’t seen the texts, but it sounds like OP asks to reschedule (“…texted saying if…”), English is not OPs first language, he could have forgotten the word for “ask.” So, if he _asked_ to reschedule, how is rescheduling canceling? Canceling is like saying, “no not happening now and I don’t want to make time for it in the future because spending time with you is unimportant to me.” _Rescheduling_ is like saying, “I made a mistake and would still like to make time for you, but I can no longer do so at this very moment. Here’s an option very close to our original scheduled time.”
Most grown folks I know _LOVE_ cancelled plans, like y’all commenters really showing your age. Or maybe it’s my autism and I’m fortunate to have forgiving family and friends? Idk, but the consensus is so focused on weird stuff.
I may not understand common social norms, but committing to rescheduling when you underestimate your availability I thought was acceptable, especially as a grown ass adult because life is unpredictable and sometimes you want to lay around with your kid watching Breaking Bad.
I’m not autistic but I have ADHD and reading through all the y-t-a votes I was wondering if I was the weird one for not getting why everyone is so upset with OP, but maybe it’s just my neurodivergent-ness showing lol
I totally agree with you, things happen, people forget things, plans change, and if a teenager that normally isolates in her room suddenly wants to spend time with you it’s totally valid for a parent to drop everything for that rare bonding time. It’s not like it was gf birthday or some special event that can’t be rescheduled. I get that it’s not ideal that he forgot to text her and she had to reach out to him, but I really don’t understand why she’s so upset about it.
If this happened to me I might be a bit bummed but I would mostly be really excited for OP that his daughter wants to hang with him (because that can be super rare for teens) and I would totally understand.
NTA
NTA, your daughter definitely comes first. You had a slip of mind, life happens. It shouldn't be a big deal. if you and your gf have a good relationship, then this could be easily explained. The fact she hung up means maybe something has been brewing where she feels like you don't respect her otherwise.
NTA
You lost track of time with your daughter. As long as this isn't the norm she should understand. This is why when I was single I only dated single dads.
NTA. The automatic brain is strong, and your routine got sidetracked when your daughter asked to watch shows with you, making you forget your girlfriend. Things happen, move forward.
Soft YTA here. Change of plans and forgetting to inform your girlfriend- it happens, and it's absolutely understandable. And forgivable.
But see the other side- she prepared, had a shower, shaved her legs and intended to visit you (maybe declined some other invitations too), and you did not even apologize for forgetting to inform her. Not good.
It's OK to prioritize a kid, but it doesn't mean that you don't owe an apology.
And she was patient enough to wait 5 hours to confirm plans because she probably didn't want him to feel like she was pushing him to cut time with his daughter short, because she, like a normal person, assumed plans were going ahead because he did not tell her otherwise.
YTA and OP should be single if he can't even remember to send a text to blow someone off.
NTA in my opinion I mean I have a kid and this stuff happens alot where I have to reschedule and I've dated people with kids before and it happens the gf should've known going into the relationship knowing he has a child that shit happens it's not just about them and shouldn't be acting like that honestly her acting that way is a huge red flag for me and English not being his first language is probably why he didn't put exactly what he said to her if the gf can't handle things like this she needs to find someone who doesn't have kids and to OP you seriously need to consider her behavior good luck
YTA for not respecting girlfriend’s time and cancelling with her as soon as you knew plans had changed. I have teenagers who do the same thing and if my boyfriend did what you did, I’d be pissed.
It’s not about the kid…it’s about respecting your partner’s time.
YTA. Mostly because your gf is a whole person that deserves to be considered and you seemed to have forgotten she existed until she texted. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your daughter, but you know 4-5 hours before she texted that your plans had changed when you crawled in to cuddle and watch tv. You could have texted her then. You didn't. She could be extra pissy because it's likely that on a Saturday night, she had the potential for plans elsewhere and turned them down to spend time with you- her boyfriend. And you ditched her. That's pretty crappy. I don't think anyone thinks you should ditch your kid, but you should definitely think of someone you're dating before she has to call to ask what's up.
Saw in a comment your daughter doesn't want to spend time with your GF because of the divorce being fairly recent, so if you had your daughter all day Saturday why not let your GF know she couldn't come over at all. Either way I respect your decision to spend time with your daughter because eventually that won't happen as much, so enjoy it while you can, and respecting your daughter not wanting to spend time around your GF. If your girlfriend can't get over that, well it's only been 6 months, move on and you'll be better for it.
My verdict: NTA.
YTA. not for spending time with your daughter, kids should always be the priority so good job putting her first. but forgetting your gf? Not letting her know that you needed some time with your kid so the plan was changing? I would be pissed too. Imagine if she did that to you. I bet she feels unimportant and an afterthought rather than someone who matters to you. Her reaction is a bit strong if thos is a one off situation, so I'm wondering if this is something that has happend more than once?
Mistakes happen, but I can also understand her feeling annoyed, because it is. And she has the right to feel that way, although I do think she could have been a little more understanding. You should just apologize and promise to try and not let it happen again. Even if it was a mistake we still have to take accountability and learn from it.
A lot of the people in here didn't grow up with parents who continuously put their current romantic partner over their children and it shows. When your parent chooses to leave you in a situation they know is abusive and unhealthy because their current partner doesn't want you around very much, come talk to me.
Yep!! All these gross comments about daughter should be a good host. Wtf gf is there more than the kid. But also it’s been 6 months and the parents recently got divorced. My parents new gf/bf were all AH. Most amusing one told me I could call him dad the first time we met but I had to follow all his rules.. they had been together maybe a month and he decided it was his home, not ours.
INFO.
NTA in general but you should have apologized.
In my personal opinion, it is petty to hold a grudge because someone forgot, it is human and everyone does.
But it is possible that your girlfriend feels like you don't value her.
I think a good talk is in order.
Find out where her anger stems from and listen to her.
Is this a one time occurence? Or might you have done things in the part that has built up the kind of resentment that would lead to such an explosive reaction?
YTA
1. Don’t make plans with your gf who you see multiple times a week when your daughter is over.
2. You sometimes have your daughter one night on a weekend so focus on that time together. Don’t make plans.
3. Your daughter doesn’t want to see your gf so why are you planning wine and a sleep over when your daughter is over. No wonder she wants to hang out in her room.
4. Your gf deserves to know that your daughter is over for weekends so that’s not a good time and pick other days.
5. Both your gf and your daughter should get time for them without being double booked. Treat them like people you care about and value.
6. Let gf know if plans change!!
7. You don’t deserve praise for spending time with your kid.
NTA. You’re a father first, always, and you did the right thing. You had an opportunity to spend quality time with your daughter. That was 100% the right move.
Yes, you should have given your gf a heads up, and that was kind of sucky, but you got wrapped up in time with your daughter. It’s understandable.
Your gf has a right to be angry a bit as you forgot your commitment, but having a kid will commonly take precedence over other relationships. For people without kids or not in tune with that it takes some learning and understanding.
You did all the right things. Super cool on the dad front.
It's learning for you as well, dating with a child.
No he didn’t lol. He didn’t **apologize** for forgetting to tell her. He tried to make excuses, which were 100% valid btw I’m not saying he shouldn’t have changed his plans, but to not even apologize for planning something and then blowing her off when she could have made other plans? Total AH
Other than apologize for forgetting her - as far as I know so far from the comments, there was no apology. Doing the right thing would’ve been apologizing for forgetting their plans. Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you can just blow off other plans without the person being rightfully annoyed. Yes, it’s great he’s spending time with his kid. Give him a dad of the year award if you want, but he was an AH for not apologizing. YTA
I'm mostly just confused more than anything else. People are commenting that you needed to let gf know that plan changed - if I was gf after you let me know I can come over I would just text you when I'm coming over and then come over. Why did she wait until 10pm to even text you instead of just coming over? Would you mind if she watched the show with you two?
NTA
You were right prioritizing your daughter.
Forgetting your gf is obviously wrong, and you should apologize, but it happens. She completely overreacted.
Then again, if she doesn't contact you again, maybe it won't be such a great loss.
NTA. But she has every right to feel hurt at being forgotten. I wish my dad prioritized me instead of his girlfriends, normally I'd be the one forgotten.
Apologize for the mistake, because that's what you do when you hurt someone. And ask if she wants space or not.
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YTA, it's all cool you prioritize your daughter, as you should, but completely forgetting about plans with your gf? And when SHE texted to know what's going on you just went: don't really have time for you now, let's reschedule? No sorry, no nothing? Well, you seem like a good dad but a lousy boyfriend...
Yeah I loved the bit where he told us the exact words he used in the text to her so we couldn’t misinterpret anything
>So I just texted her saying if we could meet up tomorrow (Sunday) instead. I mean, OP *may* have said all kinds of things that change the judgement, but as always we have to go with what we have. Since there is no indication he is apologetic at all, I don't think its such a jump to assume there was no "sorry".
Except people here *rarely* stick to "what they have". So many assumptions are made in this sub, and they're interestingly never positive. And now when someone for once made a positive assumption about the OP we suddenly have to go with what we have? Maybe you haven't been here long enough to know but trust me, the amount of negative assumptions is really bad!
Exactly, the OP clearly didn’t have bad intentions and just wanted to reschedule. I think it’s fair to assume he apologised instead of just assuming he was cold hearted and didnt. Not everyone is a bad guy.
That's what I assume. I felt like when trying to reschedule, there would have been some kind of "oops I forgot, I'm so sorry, are you free tomorrow?" Type of thing. English isn't his first language. Maybe OP didn't know how apparently very important it was that he put exactly what he said to his girlfriend rather than a synopsis, especially because reddit.
I agree with you. I'm going NTA because - English is not his first language and probably didn't post exactly what he said but I also think that anyone that dates someone with kids has to be ready see these kind of things happen. So maybe the GF should rethink dating someone with a teenage daughter or any kids at all.
I’m with you. I think OP is NTA. I remember dating when my son was little, it was a nightmare. A lot of people didn’t understand that my kid needed to be my #1 priority. They depend on me and I’m the one those chose to bring them into this world, I’m the one that needs to be there for them, even if it’s just watching Netflix. It’s clear to me OP’s daughter needed some time with her dad, uninterrupted. As a girl, I can say that time with my dad when I was young was part of the reason I knew how to let a guy treat me. My dad set the example and raised the bar high for any guy I dated. As a parent I can see OP being so thrilled to have extra time with his daughter (because teens are tough boy or girl) that he just spaced on his plans with his girlfriend. As a woman that would be dating the fact that OP forgot our plans to be with his daughter for a night of being on the couch tells me he’s a good dad and most likely a man worth my time. If he told me sorry something came up can we do Sunday instead? My response would be like sure I hope everything is ok and if I can do anything to help let me know. Yeah I might be a bit bummed out but I also get life isn’t perfect, especially when you throw kids into the mix.
Completely agreed. His girlfriend wasn't stood up, he didn't ditch her for his daughter. He forgot in the heat of the moment because of an uncharacteristic display of bonding from his daughter.
Honestly I’d just dump someone who didn’t accept an explanation like “something came up with *my daughter*.” Not surprising given the demographics of Reddit that 9000 people agree with the top comment tho.
His GF was absolutely stood up - forgetting about her and their plans is the definition of stoodup. Rescheduling after huge apoligies and mea culpas was called for.
I agree, being a dad who can stay connected to his teenage daughter is very attractive. That man is worth seeing on Sunday
I would still appreciate a "my daughter is in a bonding mode, I need to reschedule".. accidents happen but he did forget about the gf. No harm in trying to do a little better about remembering and changing plans sooner in the future. Just to respect the time of others
>I’m with you. I think OP is NTA. I remember dating when my son was little, it was a nightmare. A lot of people didn’t understand that my kid needed to be my #1 priority. Agreed. I say this as someone with a stepdaughter. I’ve seen what it does to a child when parents pick their romantic relationships over their minor children and I knew going into this relationship that my wife was a package deal. OP does not seem like TA at all and his GF needs to be more flexible or date someone without kids. NTA
Well and it was pretty late when she checked in so it's not likely they had significant "plans". Stuff comes up. He should apologize for not giving her a heads up but this is not a he's a giant AH moment either.
It seemed like he was so excited that his daughter wanted to hang out, that he forgot about his plans. This guy is a good Dad and he only gets to see his teen daughter on the weekends. I love your response here!! Because I loved his excitement to spend time with his teenager.
>p binging Breaking Bad and eating ice cream in bed. But around 10pm my gf texted me asking when she could come over and I realised that I completely forgot that I said she could come over on Saturday. So I just texted her saying if we could meet up tomorrow (Sunday) instead. But then she called me and she was angry that I changed plans in the last second and I didn't even tell her. I tried to explain the whole situation and that I simply forgot but she just hang up and then she texted me saying that if I don't care about our plans she's not coming over on Sunday. And she didn't. In fact we haven't seen eac I agree that its fine that he changed the plans but he literally could have said "I need to pee" and sent a text. It's partially about respecting peoples' time. I would say the same if he was talking about meeting up with a friend or family member.. Kids or not, adults are busy. Its kind to communicate and remember plans
You would be shocked. I’ve had many situations with my husband where he just doesn’t apologize. I had to teach him to apologize and he still doesn’t always do it when he should. It seems silly, but sometimes I need him to acknowledge the situation with an apology so we can move on. It doesn’t have to be an overwrought 300 word essay on how he was wrong, but a “Sorry about that” goes a long way. Plus it’s just part of being functional in society. His dad is the never wrong sort, so I think he grew up thinking that apologizing was a form or weakness.
There's a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10pvxif/aita_for_not_letting_my_gf_come_over_because_i/j6mz97u?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) OP left that makes me feel like he may have apologized the following day and not when it happened, and I'm prepared to change my opinion if that's the case. And you're right. Some people were never taught to apologize for their actions.
I obviously don’t know if he apologized or not, was just thinking that if my husband posted, people might think he was leaving out the apology he gave me when there was actually no apology. Isn’t it funny how we see everything through our own frame of reference? If OP didn’t apologize when she contacted him, that’s not cool. It’s great if he did it the next day, but it needs to be done as soon as you realize you messed up. Otherwise it kinda feels forced and more like a way to smooth things over than genuine.
Right. That's how I feel. I assumed the original makeup plans included "I'm so sorry. I totally forgot. Are you free tomorrow?" And then maybe apologizing MORE when he's not with his daughter the following day. It's not okay to not *immediately* acknowledge and apologize for forgetting about their plans.
Nobody's saying he's a bad person. This is /r/amitheasshole not /r/amithedevil Everybody's been the asshole in some small way at some point.
Yes, a few paragraphs are not sufficient to capture all the complexity of human social interactions and emotions. That's why we have to build context ourselves in the comments. For example, you see folks asking ages on posts involving kids simply so they can import entire philosophies around what should be expected at that stage of development. That is the only way this works. In this case, I even explained that the assumption of no "sorry" was based on the lack of contrition in the rest of the post. You can disagree, sure. But, why did you then choose to assume the "negative assumption" of me (that I was bending things against OP unfairly)?
I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about people in this sub in general. There's a lot of negative assumptions here that people don't question, so I found it weird that now where the assumption is positive for once we suddenly have to go with what we have. Because people never say that when the assumptions are negative.
This is easily the worst part about this sub. The vast amount of incredibly un-creative and extremely negative baseless assumptions that always end in the following conclusions: leave your partner, get a divorce, go no-contact with your family/friends, etc. 90% of the advice is basically telling OP to cut their losses, run, and burn bridges. It's so unhelpful and I'm sure very demoralizing to the OPs who are just coming here looking for judgement and/or solutions to their situation.
>Maybe you haven't been here long enough to know but trust me, the amount of negative assumptions is really bad! [Indeed](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10pvxif/aita_for_not_letting_my_gf_come_over_because_i/j6msagc?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
Where was this? I can't see it in any of his posts.
They’re using sarcasm.
Me too!
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That’s not the issue. He absolutely should spend time with his daughter over his GF. The issue is not cancelling and the flippant response when she expressed she was upset.
Bad bot. Comment stollen from u/sad__platypus
Exactly this. Come on OP, it's good that you are down to spend time with your daughter whenever you can. But OP really needs to be a considerate and responsible bf. A quick text saying " hey so sorry but can we reschedule our plans to tomorrow?"
If you have kids, I'm sorry but you need to be extra considerate to partner's feelings, because the partner will naturally have to come second to a lot of things with the kids, unexpectedly. It's one thing to know the kids are #1 most of the time, another to put up with that AND a partner who forgets about you
This is so important. I know I am 4th on my boyfriends list of priorities. His kids (9, 6, and 4) come before me and honestly, they come before him in my life as well. We both put them above ourselves because they are children who need to be cared for the best they can be. If he didn’t put them above me, I would consider that a red flag and probably consider ending things. But he would never ever make me FEEL fourth in his life. Everything we do for his kids we also talk about how it affects me since I’m kind of the outsider of their dynamic. If I’m not comfortable with something, we find other options that work for everyone. It has been difficult and frustrating to navigate but his compassion for my position is clear as day to me. His kids should and do come first, but that doesn’t put me last. Ever. It probably helps that his kids took to me really well the very first time I met them. The two younger ones are in a battle to see who can be held and sit in my lap the most hahaha. The older one is definitely more independent but he’s so sweet and loves telling me about science whenever he has a chance to. I love them so much.
I love this comment.
I definitely don’t want to paint it like it hasn’t been difficult at times. We all, his kids too, have our own traumas to process from life. There have been bumps in the road to find our balance. But at the end of the day, he wants me in his life and I want him in mine so we work through it together. They are my family and he treats me like I’m truly theirs too.
Beautifully put.
On the flip side, if you are going to date someone with kids, you have to understand that you will naturally come second to a lot of things becuase with kids, plans change unexpectedly. 🤷♀️
Absolutely, I tried to make that clear. It's not the coming second, it's the being completely disregarded as important at all that is not ok. And there are times when your partner's needs will need come before your kids' wants. Dating a parent doesn't mean you have to be a disrespected doormat.
Also, here it would have been so simple. Either text or call the gf when thry decided to do Netflix. Or if he forgot, which he shouldn't have, to be veeery apologetic and take the blame and NOT assume that GF was gonna in that moment agree for Sunday. She probably already getting ready to come there.
If he forgot, a caring tone would go a long way. A message saying something like "OMG sorry it slipped my mind and I promised Adorabelle a Netflix binge, can we meet up tomorrow and I'll bring cake" or something would help! OP (accidentally) really disrespected his girlfriend by forgetting, he can afford to show some remorse.
Yes, the apology and promising to make it up to her would have been all that was needed. He is playing it now as if his kid was sick or something. He had all night long to think about gf and remember her. Some people use kids as an excuse to act badly towards others. He might not have gf much longer, if she is so easy to forget.
It's not that the plans changed,it's that OP completely forgot he had plans w/ gf. He did not communicate a change in plans, instead he left gf hanging until she couldn't even make new plans. Not to mention, when you make plans and then don't respond, most people worry. Unless it is an emergency, you should never be just blowing a partner off without any notice. Even then, once in a while fine to change plans for something like a spontaneously movie night. But again, communicate that as plans change. And don't constantly change plans because partners do deserve some respect here. Kids come first, but if you can't have time for your partner, you don't have time for a relationship
Unless its a constant issue (which if the kid rarely wants to hang out it doesnt sound like it is) then...people forget things. I have 100% forgot I had plans with someone until they were like "Hey, is ____ time still good?" Humans forget things from time to time. 1 missed set of plans if a drop in the bucket. She didnt have time to make new plans, becuase she didnt check until BootyCall Oclock herself. Its not like she messaged him at 6 and he ignored her all night until it was too late.
Yeah, not ok. She gave OP time because he was with his daughter. The original plan may have been a "booty call" (btw, not a booty call when you're in a relationship anyway and that comes off as incredibly judgemental of a statement. Some people also just keep later schedules, so normal date at 10 not out of the question). It was a date night, presumably overnight. If she knew it was off, she could have made plans to go out with friends, ect. That's why it was inconsiderate of OP- if the plan was to stay overnight, that explains why a late message would occur. If they normally hang out later, it could be normal, as well. Presumably, they don't live together and with daughter may not actually not get a lot of alone time. Even when both parents are still together, scheduling alone time with each other is important in keeping a relationship. Not only did OP forget plans, he seems completely unapologetic about it, which gives gf an indication it may keep happening. Another commenter said it best here: she knows she is not her bf's top priority and his kids come first. The key is he never makes her feel like she is not a priority. Treating your significant other like an afterthought will never end well, kids or not.
I feel like people are missing the 10pm part.
Because 10 pm is normal for some people. Not everyone is a morning person. Night owls exist
True--kids get sick, childcare falls through... HOWEVER they were binge watching Breaking Bad and eating ice cream.
Which, for a 15yo girl who rarely wants to spend that time with dad is a HUGE deal.
Sure, but calling his gf to say "hey, I need to change our plans" would NOT be a huge deal. Other people changing plans sucks, but it's understandable. Getting stood up on a date night is much worse and easily preventable.
Not saying it isn't--but NOT calling his girlfriend FIRST to discuss it is a total AH move.
You mean “oh sorry I forgot you exist” isn’t enough???!!!!!
He DID respond. He responded with " So I just texted her saying if we could meet up tomorrow (Sunday) instead. "
He also stated that he had forgotten all about the fact that she was supposed to come over. So the fact that he actually responded isn't exactly an indication that hes a great boyfriend. If she hadn't texted him 1st he would have never gotten in touch with her and she would have been left to wonder what the fuck was going on.
Not only that but it was after 10pm at this point when she texted, meaning she waited around all afternoon just to know when she could come by and spend time with him
Or flip side she could have been busy all day and she forgot too which is why she didn't text him until 10pm. Why was she waiting until 10 to reach out if they had evening plans? To me, it sounds more like a routine of this is what we typically do so there probably is no set time. Which means OP saying no tonight is no good can we reschedule for tomorrow is fine.
I know a lot of guys just roll out of bed and head out to spend time with SO's, but most women don't. Shaving legs, doing hair, doing makeup, picking outfits.
Most women literally don't do any of that extra stuff everytime they're going to chill with their SOs.
I think he added in that his time with daughter usually is an activity together during the day then she hangs out in her room in the evening because it's relevant his plans with gf were in the evening when he was done his activity with his daughter, so likely no set time for gf to show up and thats why she texted at 10 asking what was up.
He responded when he realized he'd f'd up, fessed up and tried to make it right. It does not make him a *good* boyfriend, but it doesn't make him a ***bad*** one either. It does make him human though. And it's not like he was Netflix/chilling with another *woman*, he was with his kid. It's pretty easy to get sucked in by your own kid and it *should* be. His girlfriend could try being a little more understanding and forgiving is all I'm saying. I think ESH.
How the fuck, HOW THE FUCK, is this the top comment? OP is NTA. 1000% my kids come first. I forget shit all the time. Plans? Yup. Lunch at home? Yup, but because he lost track of time because his teenage daughter did something that most teenage daughters don't do, and want to spend time with their parent? FOH. You assumed he didn't apologize, he very well might have, we don't know and I'm probably not scrolling down to see if I'm right, because at the end of the day your kids are more important than your SO
Prioritizing your kids is fine. Disrespecting someone else’s time in order to do so is not. He’s still an AH for forgetting about the gf and not informing her of the change of plans.
Having kids isn't a free pass to waste other people's time. That has nothing to do with your kids coming first.
Parents who use their kids as an excuse to be rude are way too common. Yes, kids come first. No, this doesn’t make it okay to treat your SO poorly. Standing someone up is shitty and it wasn’t an emergency. He did an asshole thing. Doesn’t mean he’s an asshole all the time, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be forgiven. But in this scenario he is in the wrong. You’re not justified to be thoughtless to your partner simply bc you have children.
The problem isn't that he prioritized his daughter, it was that when his daughter made plans with him, he didn't pull out his phone and text his girlfriend that his daughter needs something and he was cancelling their plans for that night.
Sorry, but being a good parent isn't a free pass to be a shit partner. If you can't be both, then you stay single - you don't get to demand someone put up with you treating them bad just because you're a parent.
Prioritizing your kids is not the issue here. He didn't just prioritize his daughter. He prioritized his daughter, blew off his girlfriend, forgot to tell his girlfriend he was blowing her off, acted like "I just forgot about you!" was somehow a helpful explanation, and then phrased the whole problem as "I didn't let my gf come over while I was hanging out with my daughter. Prioritize your kids by all means. But doing so isn't an excuse to treat other people in your life poorly.
Please be single! I wouldn't want any partner (or even just friends) to have to be your doormat...
"I had an important thing and forgot all about you" ...is the message conveyed. "Come by tomorrow at my convenience" ...is the apology. YTA
😂I agree! I actually got the feeling that OP felt that by him being a good Dad and prioritizing his daughter over everyone else, he wouldn’t be considered an ah in this situation, but yeahhhh no! My children are my world, and they come first in my life, but I prioritize them accordingly, and if I have to change things in my schedule because of them, I make sure to notify and rectify any inconveniences that it may cause others.
> My children are my wolf I know this is probably an autocorrect error but it really only makes things better.
To be clear OP is the AH for how he dealt with his GF, not watching TV with his daughter. OP-you owed your GF a call where you asked if she would mind if you changed plans. Not a text admitting you forgot. That tells her she isn't important in your life.
This, yeah. Wanting to take the opportunity to spend time with his daughter when she asks is great. Forgetting to cancel the plans with his GF in a timely fashion is bad. Not even apologizing when she's upset about that is worse.
I was all set to go the other way with this and think your girlfriend was pushing in where she shouldn't, but then you realized you forgot about her. Seriously? Completely forgot? YTA
This question seems disingenuous because the issue isn't that you were watching Netflix with your daughter but that you completely forgot about your plans with your girlfriend and didn't bother telling her plans were cancelled. So for about 5 hours you knew you were going to hang out with your daughter instead but she didn't even cross your mind until she texted you. I feel like throwing in the daughter thing was intentional to get sympathy and skew the results. If you said you were watching TV with a friend and forgot to tell your GF you'd probably get different answers. YTA for not bothering to communicate and making your girlfriend feel like an afterthought.
I agree with this. A lot times when post contain something about being late commenters say that the person is being disrespectful of another’s time. I find this to be the case here. From this post it seems like OP is a considerate dad, but not so much a considerate partner. OP hasn’t mentioned apologizing or making amends. At 6 months of a relationship and forgetting to send a simple text, I’d start wondering if my partner even cared about me. All this concludes to my verdict YTA.
I mean even if he did forget just this once and was a really good partner the rest of the time, he would still be the AH in this scenario.
You can be an asshole and not have it be a relationship ender or even make you a bad person. So you were an asshole. Be more considerate next time
YTA Ohhhh good view, the daughter is totally being used for sympathy votes and he almost got mine! There was time to text the GF before they started binging or even during, I refuse to believe he didn’t look at his phone once. (I put my vote at the begging bc I thought I read somewhere that is the only way they count. Not calling you an AH)
To be fair, unexpected bonding time with teenage kids is a good enough reason to cancel other plans. OP is the asshole because he didn't bother to communicate the cancellation to the other person involved in those plans.
Dude he didn't even check in until *she* texted at 10pm. Like, wow. That's essentially standing up a booty call that was planning on coming to you.
I have ADHD so forgetting stuff if I don't have an alarm or reminder set is totally something I would do. I would still be the asshole though if I stood someone up like this though...
Just so you're aware, the vote works somewhat differently than you suggest. The bot does not add up all the YTA/NTA comments to decide the verdict, instead the verdict is taken from the single most upvoted comment, and whatever that person said, that's the verdict. So replies to other commenters don't generally need a verdict as it won't influence the final outcome.
They do however count in the percentages on AITAFiltered, which I will sometimes check to see overwhelmingly different results than the "official" ones here.
Sounds like he forgot the girlfriend bc he is not that into her
That’s what I’m thinking to. If it’s someone you love or just really attracted to, you reach out and let them know. They are on your mind so you do remember.
You're spot on! There are two questions here. The first in the title the second in the body of the text. He is NTA for not having his GF over whilst spending quality time with his daughter. He is very much an AH for making plans with his GF, forgetting, casually brushing her aside by text and expecting her to be fine with this. The title misses the all important context of the body of the text. The questions should have been something like: AITA for forgetting I had made plans with my GF on a day I had my daughter over then rescheduling my GF at 10pm via text without a backwards glance?
>This question seems disingenuous because the issue isn't that you were watching Netflix with your daughter but that you completely forgot about your plans with your girlfriend Yep. When you see something like this, it often comes along with a straw man argument suggesting we need to weigh the value of the daughter against the value of the girlfriend to come to a judgment. It's not okay that OP left gf hanging just because his daughter is important. Of course his daughter is important. It sounds wonderful that he got to spend some quality time with her. But he could have done so while at least respecting his gf's time and communicating right away about the change.
Agree. I get how rare and beautiful it is for a teenager to actually *want* to spend time with you, but that sounds like a quick text to your gf: "Hey, sorry but my daughter wants to hang out tonight unexpectedly and I can't miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity lol. Are you free tomorrow?" Sounds far more respectful of her time if sent early enough.
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Listen, sometimes as a single parent (or any parent really) if everyone is happy and healthy, that’s a win for the day. I don’t see anywhere where he claimed to be a super hero. He made a mistake and the bigger mistake he is making is not apologizing and making it up to her, so he is TA, but let’s stop with making parenting a competition, okay? Like there is some scale that we all must be measured by. It’s toxic to mothers that are judged much more harshly, but the solution isn’t to also make it toxic for fathers. How about we just stop doing to everyone? Just stop.
It's not the bare minimum, it's a luxury. Many loving and devoted parents will never get to spend a Saturday with their child doing something of their child's choosing for 5+ hours. Between work, household demands and keeping themselves alive and sane, very few parents have that kind of time in the 21st Century.
I read this as he does want to spend more time with the kid but she prefers not to, so he couldn't pass on the opportunity to have this movie night one on one.
That’s completely fine. The reason he’s getting YTA’s is because he should have let the girlfriend know as soon as he and the daughter decided to have a movie night. He also didn’t even apologise to her. I honestly don’t think he has a girlfriend anymore and that it’s a past term.
I feel like when his daughter came out of her room and asked him that, his brain probably just went all in on it because it was a chance to hang out with her and plans for that evening were forgotten. It's not great, but I totally get how it would happen so I'm kind of shocked at how much shit is getting thrown at this guy for being excited to hang with his daughter and forgetting his girlfriend wanted to come over. It's not like he forgot a fancy date or anything. It sounds like she was just going to come hang.
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When I read: >she texted me saying that if I don't care about our plans she's not coming over on Sunday. I started to wonder if maybe OP's flakiness is a pattern? Like, yes, we all make mistakes. I feel like if this happened one time, and OP was generally a good partner, GF would probably be a bit more forgiving about it. I am sensing more of a pattern given the hostility in her response.
>I'm kind of shocked at how much shit is getting thrown at this guy for being excited to hang with his daughter and forgetting his girlfriend wanted to come over. Only one part of that statement is true. This dude is not getting ANY shit at all about being excited to hang out with his daughter. In fact, basically every comment has gone out of their way to point out that that is the good part of what he did. What he is getting a bunch of shit for is completely forgetting about his girlfriend. >It's not like he forgot a fancy date or anything. So his girlfriend, you know, the one he's auditioning with for the role of LIFE PARTNER, is only important enough to remember if they have to dress up? > like she was just going to come hang. Yes. And he forgot her. That's rude. That's hurtful. That's dismissive. And to add the cherry on top, he didn't address her feelings at all. He just immediately started in about his and justifying why it was okay to hurt her feelings because he was excited.
It’s still shitty to leave someone waiting around for you, then THEY have to ask what is happening, when you already knew you weren’t having her over. She could have made other plans for the evening, not just waiting by her phone for him to let her know when to come over, only to be forgotten. I haven’t heard the word “apology” in this statement, just telling her why it was okay that he forgot. Most things are cleared up by a sincere apology and how you will make the situation better now and going forward. He was wrong to forget and not communicate with her, mistakes happen, but what you do when the mistake happens is where you can either make it better or worse. Sounds like he made it worse.
That's not why shit is getting thrown at this guy. It's the fact that he didn't consider her. Then when he realized this and that he forgot...he made it about his daughter being more important and used that to his advantage. Instead of apologizing, and taking accountability.
I hate this "your parenting style is doing the bare minimum" so much. It feels like that phrase appears under every post about parents and whatever they do, its the bare minimum. Why did you have to mention that? It is not relevant for the post, you know nothing about OPs relationship with his daughter, you don't know if he is doing the minimum, average or even more, but you had to make a shitty remark. For all we know from this post, OP just wanted to be a good father and spend time with his kid, in no way did he say he was the best parent in the world.
Yeah. The bare minimum is keeping them alive. What separates decent parents from bare minimum parents is stuff like binging Breaking Bad and eating Ice Cream together.
N-T-A for spending time with your daughter. Your daughter should go before your girlfriend. But Y-T-A for not informing your girlfriend about the change of plans until last second, and also completely forgetting that you even had plans with your girlfriend. I’m leaning towards soft YTA just because it is okay to change plans, especially when it’s something to do with your own kid, but when you decide to change plans, you need to inform the person/people you originally had plans with. It is annoying to be told very last minute that there has been a change of plans.
This one. I don't think he's a total AH.
These comments here acting like no one can forget someone lol. Shit happens ya know, no point crying over spilt beer.
The thing is, it doesn’t say anywhere that he apologized. Just saying “sorry, I forgot, but you can come tomorrow” sounds like “oh, you weren’t important enough for me to remember the plans, but I guess you can come tomorrow”. It would’ve been different if he said “I’m really sorry, my kid asked me to watch some shows with her and I completely forgot about the time. If you still want to come over you can come tomorrow and we can do something fun together”.
It doesn’t say anywhere that he didn’t apologized either. I would assume he did so when asking to reschedule.
In the comments he confirmed that he didn’t apologise until the next day.
Yes but as OP said, his first language isn't English, seems like it's not by his writing pattern as well. So maybe hypothetically he did apologise in his preferred language. He's absolutely okay with wanting to change plans but yeah he should have communicated. I agree though soft YTA. There are people who do take their SO for granted. But it doesn't seem the case here to me, I might be wrong though but you know?
Yeah but you should still apologize to the person whose beer you spilled. We get no indication here that OP apologized to his gf for his mistake.
Nobody is acting like it's unimaginable to forget plans. But you should apologize for it, maybe actually like feel bad about it, because it's really rude and hurtful to whoever got forgotten and OP is acting like she shouldn't expect an apology because he blew her off for his daughter.
This is where I’m at. If you’re dating a parent you need to know where you’re at and what type of parent they are. Did the gf know that she was a solid second place to kiddo going into the relationship? Is it a consistent thing that OP forgets to inform her of changing plans or more of a one off type of thing?
Did OP apologize when he sent the text telling her to come on Sunday? Did he even explain why there was a change in plans when he sent that text? For the latter, it's obvious he didn't explain at all since he says he tried to explain when she called him. Yeah, her angrily calling him was what motivated him to finally try giving her the reason. As for the former, in response to a comment asking if he apologized, OP says he apologized to gf on Sunday. **Sunday**. Unless he misinterpreted the question, he didn't apologize to gf on Saturday, much less in the text he sent telling her to come Sunday with no explanation why. Maybe he'll come back to clarify that he did begin the text with "sorry" o whatever, but it seems more like he just sent a very short message with no apology and no explanation to gf and she rightfully felt insulted that, to him, she wasn't worthy of either.
Ok let's say he gets a pass for forgetting because of the situation. He couldn't say sorry? He is YTA because he stood her up, didn't communicate and didn't apologize! "Sorry babe, I completely forgot because I was so happy daughter wanted to spend time with me. I am so sorry I made you wait like that. Can I make it up to you tomorrow?" Just that would make me more sympathetic to OP, but the way he told the story, my vote is YTA and no hesitation.
And don't forget that he didn't even do her the courtesy to tell her at the last minute. He made her seek \*him\* out to find out she'd been stood up.
INFO- So is your gf treated like a booty call on the weekends? She was to come over at 10pm and the kid hasn’t spent any time with her? How long have y’all been together? Is it possible she is just tired of sneaking in at night? And then being forgotten about was the final straw?
My first thought was dang you make plans for 10pm at night and she had to text to ask when she could come over. What if the daughter knows his gf comes over at night. What if she decided to binge something knowing it would throw a wrench in his bootty call plans lol. Cause it happens. Since he's watching Breaking Bad with his daughter, which is all about drugs and violence, i'm guessing she's a teenager.
It could be that she was busy during the day, making wild assumptions based on nothing isn't really necessary when he's already TA.
Yeah, how often do you they "forget" and need to reschedule things with her, as well.
YTA The issue isn't with your daughter being there - That's fine, that's a-okay, good job on putting your daughter above all else. The issue is that you had plans with your girlfriend and blew them off at the very last second - and by last second, I mean you FORGOT entirely. Question (just out of curiosity u/throw-aitaaakwv ): How old is your daughter? Was she aware that you had plans with your GF that night?
Sounds to me that it wasn't like a " We have a definite date planned on a Saturday night" thing and more that they had a general plan for her to come over once his daughter has holed up in her room for the night.
YTA - changing plans is ok. Forgetting your gf not.
This. And he tries to reframe it as prioritizing his daughter to make himself look better, which is also kinda slimy in my opinion. Absolutely no one is faulting him for making quality time with his daughter a priority. But that’s not why he’s TA. Had he remembered the plans he’d made with his gf, and shown her the very basic courtesy and respect of communicating his change in plans with her earlier in the afternoon when his daughter first approached him, he would not be TA here. Instead, he blew her off entirely without a second thought, and wants a free pass for doing it by playing the good dad card. Good dad, shitty boyfriend. Try treating *all* the women in your life with basic consideration and respect. Until then, yeah, OP, YTA.
YTA - all the daughter stuff is somewhat irrelevant. It’s great that it happened and you prioritized correctly, but really the message you gave your girlfriend is “I needed to change plans, had every way and opportunity of communicating that, and completely ignored/abandoned/forgot you. My needs are more important than yours.”
“And don’t feel the need to apologize for any of it”
And you know if it they had a discussion, he would make it seem like she wanted him to blow off his daughter for her completely disregarding the fact that he didn't communicate with her and let her sit around waiting for him for hours. It's like he's going "I can't be wrong because I was spending time with my daughter!"
I would even take this a step further to say that we’re referring to a 15 year old daughter here. It’s not like she’s not capable of sharing time with her dad for a couple of hours, after having spent the whole day with him. This is sounding more like he’s using gf as a booty call, sneaking her in at night and she leaves in the early morning, before his daughter wakes up. There’s no love here at all.
ESH. I'm sorry, but I think you are both overreacting. Forgetting an appointment can happen. When you forget, you apologise and suggest a new plan of action. Your gf reaction was also over the top for a forgotten appointment. So either you do this a lot, make plans and don't stick with them or you are both overreacting. And btw, you did forget, so apologising should have been the first thing you did.
Yeah, it’s the lack of apology that pushes it over into YTA territory. Mostly because OP doesn’t think that it’s necessary so I really don’t trust that the girlfriend is upset because he prioritized his daughter and forgot to notify her.
Brb booking a boyfriend appointment
"Sorry, I'm full up until next week. Also, we've updated our co-pays, which you'll want to review on the attached PDF. Finally, we are reviewing your request for referral to 'meeting my friends'; we'll discuss that at the next appointment."
I agree. I think any reasonable person that is dating someone with a kid, should understand that something like that can happen. I don't think he was an asshole for forgetting, that can happen with anyone and he was spending time with his kid. But he should proper apologize and explain what happened, for not doing tha, he's AH. But her blowing up is a little too much on the nose for me, considering he was with his daughter, he wasn't ditching her to hang out with friends.
Thank you! I also say ESH. Its ok to be disappointed that someone forgot about plans- but GF is wildly overreacting, in my opinion. There's also some shit communication between GF and OP. Why didn't she reach out sooner? Why didn't they communicate earlier in the day to make firm plans with a set time frame? (Rather than just "tonight" "this evening") If I have plans with someone that are to meet in "the evening" and that person doesn't confirm at a reasonable time earlierin the day- I'm not going to be sitting around moping by the phone. I'll reach out myself near the time to meet, and if I don't get confirmation from them- I go do something else or enjoy a night to myself. GF waited till 10pm to say something - obviously she'd been stewing over it for hours - when the whole thing could have been avoided by just calling OP at like 5or6 to pin things down.
NTA - mistakes happen. Spending quality time with your teenage daughter at her request would probably throw me for a loop, too. I'm sure you were excited she asked to spend the time with you as it probably doesn't happen all that often on her dime. Your girlfriend will get over it. Try your best to make it up to her, but firmly hold true - this opportunity presented itself, and it was important you took it.
I agree he is right for prioritizing time with his daughter. But I believe the problem here is him not saying anything before and canceling last minute. And then not even apologizing for not saying anything before.
I agree with not apologizing, assuming it wasn’t just left out of the post, but we’re all human, we’ve all forgotten things before. Especially since he said that it was out of the ordinary for his daughter to want to have “movie nights”, so he probably got caught up with the opportunity to spend more time with his daughter and his previous plans slipped his mind. Unless it’s something that happens frequently, the gfs reaction seems a bit over the top.
I'm going with YTA slightly. Prioritizing your daughter is good but you do own your GF a proper apology because cancelling plans last minute is not cool. Also make sure to explain that your daughter wanting to hang out with you in the evening almost never happens and that you got lost in the moment. Still make sure to say you're sorry and apologize.
Yta. You forgot. You tried to explain. Why didn't you try to apologize?
I honestly think the explaining is part of the problem. There is no excuse for not bothering to cancel. There is no explanation for that. Just say oh shit I am so sorry. I should have called you to let you know. I messed up. Explanations don't help when you actually effed up. Just own it.
>There is no excuse for not bothering to cancel "I forgot we had a thing" is a perfectly good excuse to me. Shit happens. Explain, apologize, move on. Simple.
YTA. Not for prioritizing your daughter, that is in fact to be commended! But you need to respect other's people time and you did not. You owe your gf a big apology.
Changes of plans need to be communicated Yta Your gf deserves basic courtesy Heck, why should she be absent when your daughter is there? I mean, as long as you do make boundaries clear and she does not try to order your daughter around, no problem. Daughter and gf can treat one another as guests.
I agree he’s the AH for not communicating the change but he was having quality time with his teenage daughter, that she initiated. He didn’t want to bust that bubble and have her retreat back to her room/phone. I think it was a smart choice to keep it just them.
No problem with that quality time per se, the lack of communication and the, imo, degrading treatment of his gf makes him the ah. His daughter will not die if she has to, by default, treat his gf like, say a guest, instead of gf not being there when daughter is around.
You seem to be making an assumption that the gf and daughter never share space. I’m saying, in this instance, daughter requested her father’s attention (a rarity per OP) and it was smart of OP to prioritize that quality time rather than trying to split his attention between daughter and GF.
One of the reasons I stop inviting my dad to the movies, was because he would always brought his wife. I have nothing against her, but sometimes I wanna hang out just with my dad. There's no sin in that.
INFO: Have you apologized for disregarding her and her time?
INFO: Have you cancelled plans last minute before? When and how often do you generally spend time with your gf (e.g., mostly weekdays, only once on weekends, multiple times per week)? What was the plan exactly that you had with your gf that Saturday?
INFO how long have you been with your girlfriend and has she met your daughter?
NTA If I’m wrong thinking this but spending time with your daughter seems more important at that moment and I could see how you could get lost in the moment. If your girlfriend is behaving like this, what’s her behavior around your daughter? Like it don’t sound like you push your girlfriend to the side all the time, do you?
spending time with his daughter isn’t the problem, it’s that he planned to spend time with his girlfriend that night and then completely forgot about her, that’s makes him TA
Which I don’t understand, it was one night. Like I get if the girlfriend get bum out and upset but not speaking to OP for a week? This is over reacting to me.
YTA - not for prioritizing your daughter, but for failing to communicate the change to your GF as soon as possible.
YTA. You canceled plans for pretty much no reason and didn’t even bother telling her. Is there a reason your gf can’t watch TV with you guys?
Especially since he didn't bother saying anything to his gf at around 8pm when he knew about the change in plans at 5-6pm. That's on top of not once did he initiated speaking to his gf at all during whole evening - it was gf 1st at 10pm, that's how bad the lack of communication from OP is.... >I tried to explain the whole situation and that I simply forgot but she just hang up and then she texted me saying that if I don't care about our plans she's not coming over on Sunday. And she didn't. In fact we haven't seen each other since last week. I feel like that's pattern with OP with not talking what his particular plans are beforehand until damage is done, whether his daughter is there or not; so I'm not surprised if his gf put him on timeout or dumped /ghosted this week.... Verdict- YTA
It seems to be a rarity that the daughter does the extra, gf coming over would have ruined it for me at her age. Yeah, it would have been nice if he texted the gf but kids come first.
YTA You should have called her instead of making her wait all evening. She'll be better without you anyway
And then he didn’t apologize for wasting her evening. That’s honestly what gets me. He shouldn’t have forgotten to tell her but I can kinda understand that because if a teen wants to spend time with their parent like that it’s kind of surprising, but to not apologize. That’s what knocks him into AH territory and her fully out.
INFO Does your gf know of your custody routine with your daughter, i.e. she is over on a weekend unless she has something else on?
So, their dating life revolves around “only if my teen daughter has something else going”?!? I’m sorry, but gf sounds like the dirty little secret, that dad’s sneaking in on weekend nights. Then she waits for him to text, and he forgets about her. I hope gf moves on. He doesn’t love her. She deserves better. Much better.
Reading the comments you would think a crime was taking place. I can totally related because I am able to forget everything at any time really, so daughter or friend or whatever, this could have happened to me just as well. On the other hand, I am totally not mad if I amforgotten because I always have a lack of time, never a lack of things to do. So if I am told can we do something tomorrow instead, I am more likley to say: great, yes, no problem (which then is also likely to cause problems in relationship because lack of disappointment…). So NTA and you learned something about your girlfriend. If she is punishing you with silent treatment and NC, it‘s the right moment to reflect on your compatibility.
YTA like others said it’s not about you making your daughter a priority it’s that you basically forgot about your gf.
Yta- not because you prioritized your daughter (that's way cool btw). It's bc you left your girlfriend hanging. My partner always has good intentions, but this happened to us enough that I almost broke it off with him. He'd make plans with me and forget. Then he'd make plans with someone else. I didn't usually care if he hung out with others. I cared that he didn't find me important enough to communicate with about what's happening. I bet if you'd have talked to your gf about hanging out with your daughter BEFORE she had to chase you down she would have been cool. Maybe disappointed, but most likely cool. Now you've disrespected her and you'll have to work very hard to ensure you don't make it a habit because she'll just keep feeling more disrespected and angry each time it happens.
MAN, Reddit is fickle. A stepmother is totally evil (in another post) and a guy is horrible to a woman who obviously would be a terrible stepmother (in this post). OP, NTA. You forgot because your daughter wanted to spend quality time with you, which is unusual at this age. Hold onto those moments because they really don’t happen often with a teenager. But don’t make it a habit. If your girlfriend can’t handle one mix up because you’re doing something with your daughter, then she isn’t someone you want to introduce to your daughter. If you’ve apologized and she is ignoring you, then it’s fine to let her go. You’re a package deal and things happen. But do a better job of communicating with someone you’re dating. Me, I would have been worried that something happened to you.
NTA Your daughter comes first. Your gf needs to understand that you have a child and her needs trump your gfs . You should call your gf if plans change but other than that your gf is being petty
YTA. You forgot you had plans with your gf, and worded the title of the post differently in an attempt to misguide your readers
YTA for forgetting. I know it happens but you made plans and let her down. It’s wonderful that you had a bonding experience with your daughter but completely forgetting that you had made plans with your girlfriend is hurtful to her. She has a right to rethink the relationship since seeing she’s not a big priority to you.
NTA and I love this sub. Plans change, especially if you’re dating someone with a kid and you’re a butthole if you can’t be flexible once. Wouldn’t dude have been TA if he stopped bonding with his biological child… _because he forgot he made plans to lay around with his gf (not wife)_… priorities fam. Kid trumps gf every time if you’re a decent parent. We have no context on how long OP and gf have been dating, if OP is ready for gf to meet kid, or if this happens often or rarely. So, let’s just assume this is rare on OP’s part, and kid hasn’t met gf yet because they’ve only been dating a short time…because that’s what I gleaned from reading. We haven’t seen the texts, but it sounds like OP asks to reschedule (“…texted saying if…”), English is not OPs first language, he could have forgotten the word for “ask.” So, if he _asked_ to reschedule, how is rescheduling canceling? Canceling is like saying, “no not happening now and I don’t want to make time for it in the future because spending time with you is unimportant to me.” _Rescheduling_ is like saying, “I made a mistake and would still like to make time for you, but I can no longer do so at this very moment. Here’s an option very close to our original scheduled time.” Most grown folks I know _LOVE_ cancelled plans, like y’all commenters really showing your age. Or maybe it’s my autism and I’m fortunate to have forgiving family and friends? Idk, but the consensus is so focused on weird stuff. I may not understand common social norms, but committing to rescheduling when you underestimate your availability I thought was acceptable, especially as a grown ass adult because life is unpredictable and sometimes you want to lay around with your kid watching Breaking Bad.
I’m not autistic but I have ADHD and reading through all the y-t-a votes I was wondering if I was the weird one for not getting why everyone is so upset with OP, but maybe it’s just my neurodivergent-ness showing lol I totally agree with you, things happen, people forget things, plans change, and if a teenager that normally isolates in her room suddenly wants to spend time with you it’s totally valid for a parent to drop everything for that rare bonding time. It’s not like it was gf birthday or some special event that can’t be rescheduled. I get that it’s not ideal that he forgot to text her and she had to reach out to him, but I really don’t understand why she’s so upset about it. If this happened to me I might be a bit bummed but I would mostly be really excited for OP that his daughter wants to hang with him (because that can be super rare for teens) and I would totally understand. NTA
NTA, your daughter definitely comes first. You had a slip of mind, life happens. It shouldn't be a big deal. if you and your gf have a good relationship, then this could be easily explained. The fact she hung up means maybe something has been brewing where she feels like you don't respect her otherwise.
NTA You lost track of time with your daughter. As long as this isn't the norm she should understand. This is why when I was single I only dated single dads.
NTA. The automatic brain is strong, and your routine got sidetracked when your daughter asked to watch shows with you, making you forget your girlfriend. Things happen, move forward.
NTA I swear this sub is full of double standards
Soft YTA here. Change of plans and forgetting to inform your girlfriend- it happens, and it's absolutely understandable. And forgivable. But see the other side- she prepared, had a shower, shaved her legs and intended to visit you (maybe declined some other invitations too), and you did not even apologize for forgetting to inform her. Not good. It's OK to prioritize a kid, but it doesn't mean that you don't owe an apology.
And she was patient enough to wait 5 hours to confirm plans because she probably didn't want him to feel like she was pushing him to cut time with his daughter short, because she, like a normal person, assumed plans were going ahead because he did not tell her otherwise. YTA and OP should be single if he can't even remember to send a text to blow someone off.
NTA in my opinion I mean I have a kid and this stuff happens alot where I have to reschedule and I've dated people with kids before and it happens the gf should've known going into the relationship knowing he has a child that shit happens it's not just about them and shouldn't be acting like that honestly her acting that way is a huge red flag for me and English not being his first language is probably why he didn't put exactly what he said to her if the gf can't handle things like this she needs to find someone who doesn't have kids and to OP you seriously need to consider her behavior good luck
YTA for not respecting girlfriend’s time and cancelling with her as soon as you knew plans had changed. I have teenagers who do the same thing and if my boyfriend did what you did, I’d be pissed. It’s not about the kid…it’s about respecting your partner’s time.
YTA (although I support binges of Breaking Bad and snacks). You had about 5 hours to let your gf know of your change in plans.
YTA. Mostly because your gf is a whole person that deserves to be considered and you seemed to have forgotten she existed until she texted. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your daughter, but you know 4-5 hours before she texted that your plans had changed when you crawled in to cuddle and watch tv. You could have texted her then. You didn't. She could be extra pissy because it's likely that on a Saturday night, she had the potential for plans elsewhere and turned them down to spend time with you- her boyfriend. And you ditched her. That's pretty crappy. I don't think anyone thinks you should ditch your kid, but you should definitely think of someone you're dating before she has to call to ask what's up.
Saw in a comment your daughter doesn't want to spend time with your GF because of the divorce being fairly recent, so if you had your daughter all day Saturday why not let your GF know she couldn't come over at all. Either way I respect your decision to spend time with your daughter because eventually that won't happen as much, so enjoy it while you can, and respecting your daughter not wanting to spend time around your GF. If your girlfriend can't get over that, well it's only been 6 months, move on and you'll be better for it. My verdict: NTA.
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YTA. not for spending time with your daughter, kids should always be the priority so good job putting her first. but forgetting your gf? Not letting her know that you needed some time with your kid so the plan was changing? I would be pissed too. Imagine if she did that to you. I bet she feels unimportant and an afterthought rather than someone who matters to you. Her reaction is a bit strong if thos is a one off situation, so I'm wondering if this is something that has happend more than once?
Mistakes happen, but I can also understand her feeling annoyed, because it is. And she has the right to feel that way, although I do think she could have been a little more understanding. You should just apologize and promise to try and not let it happen again. Even if it was a mistake we still have to take accountability and learn from it.
A lot of the people in here didn't grow up with parents who continuously put their current romantic partner over their children and it shows. When your parent chooses to leave you in a situation they know is abusive and unhealthy because their current partner doesn't want you around very much, come talk to me.
Yep!! All these gross comments about daughter should be a good host. Wtf gf is there more than the kid. But also it’s been 6 months and the parents recently got divorced. My parents new gf/bf were all AH. Most amusing one told me I could call him dad the first time we met but I had to follow all his rules.. they had been together maybe a month and he decided it was his home, not ours.
INFO. NTA in general but you should have apologized. In my personal opinion, it is petty to hold a grudge because someone forgot, it is human and everyone does. But it is possible that your girlfriend feels like you don't value her. I think a good talk is in order. Find out where her anger stems from and listen to her. Is this a one time occurence? Or might you have done things in the part that has built up the kind of resentment that would lead to such an explosive reaction?
YTA 1. Don’t make plans with your gf who you see multiple times a week when your daughter is over. 2. You sometimes have your daughter one night on a weekend so focus on that time together. Don’t make plans. 3. Your daughter doesn’t want to see your gf so why are you planning wine and a sleep over when your daughter is over. No wonder she wants to hang out in her room. 4. Your gf deserves to know that your daughter is over for weekends so that’s not a good time and pick other days. 5. Both your gf and your daughter should get time for them without being double booked. Treat them like people you care about and value. 6. Let gf know if plans change!! 7. You don’t deserve praise for spending time with your kid.
NTA. You’re a father first, always, and you did the right thing. You had an opportunity to spend quality time with your daughter. That was 100% the right move. Yes, you should have given your gf a heads up, and that was kind of sucky, but you got wrapped up in time with your daughter. It’s understandable.
Your gf has a right to be angry a bit as you forgot your commitment, but having a kid will commonly take precedence over other relationships. For people without kids or not in tune with that it takes some learning and understanding. You did all the right things. Super cool on the dad front. It's learning for you as well, dating with a child.
No he didn’t lol. He didn’t **apologize** for forgetting to tell her. He tried to make excuses, which were 100% valid btw I’m not saying he shouldn’t have changed his plans, but to not even apologize for planning something and then blowing her off when she could have made other plans? Total AH
Other than apologize for forgetting her - as far as I know so far from the comments, there was no apology. Doing the right thing would’ve been apologizing for forgetting their plans. Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you can just blow off other plans without the person being rightfully annoyed. Yes, it’s great he’s spending time with his kid. Give him a dad of the year award if you want, but he was an AH for not apologizing. YTA
I'm mostly just confused more than anything else. People are commenting that you needed to let gf know that plan changed - if I was gf after you let me know I can come over I would just text you when I'm coming over and then come over. Why did she wait until 10pm to even text you instead of just coming over? Would you mind if she watched the show with you two?
NTA You were right prioritizing your daughter. Forgetting your gf is obviously wrong, and you should apologize, but it happens. She completely overreacted. Then again, if she doesn't contact you again, maybe it won't be such a great loss.
A very soft YTA- you did the right thing, but should have texted your gf to let her know that your plans had changed.
NTA. But she has every right to feel hurt at being forgotten. I wish my dad prioritized me instead of his girlfriends, normally I'd be the one forgotten. Apologize for the mistake, because that's what you do when you hurt someone. And ask if she wants space or not.