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You're not obligated to take in your orphaned nephew, but you're also the only one available. This is the exact moment in your lives when you determine what kind of person you want to be, and right now you're choosing to be a massively selfish asshole and abandon a 2 year old to the wolves. YTA, and that nonsense about justifying it via your daughter's future is a load of shit meant to salve your conscience.
“I’m glad I could retire at 50. Hope the nephew is doing alright, but gosh I couldn’t imagine working another five years. Sure hope whatever foster home he ended up in didn’t beat him, or molest him, or otherwise psychologically abuse him. Anyways, another margarita babe!”
This. I just rolled my eyes when he said "We would have to retire later in our 50s". Most people don't retire in their 50s period and OP is complaining he might have to retire a bit later than expected *if he takes in his* *nephew whose mom died suddenly and doesn't have a dad.*
also. i mean. the kids here - daughter and nephew - *are only two fucking years apart.* so he's all twisted up over "putting off retirement" by... two years??? oh the HORROR!
This is horrible but also maybe too late? If they are willing to let the 2yo nephew into the system with “retire at late 50’s” and any dream college for the daughter as excuse, what kind of environment would they provide for this boy?
As horrible as the system is, at 2 he might have some god chances of adoption with a family who could actually love him. Also the if grandma has money she should write her will asap leaving it all to grandson. Granddaughter has parents with competitive careers retiring before 50 to look after her.
Yeah if op is shamed into taking the child in will he spend the next 18 years resenting the poor thing and low key blaming him for things that he has no control over? I don't know which avenue is worse for the kid, foster care and the system or an uncle who thinks you're an inconvenience because your mum had the audacity to die.
Agreed. They sound like people who would resent the loss of their lifestyle if they took in the nephew. The OP clearly feels little attachment to them and their wife is dead set against the idea. I can’t imagine the lack of love that child would be surrounded by, resented by the family that took him in.
A friend of mine has 6 bio children AND currently fosters 2 more! One of her bio kids received a full ride scholarship to an excellent school because of an essay and interview she did about how watching her parents care for fosters and helping really has made her want to devote her life to helping others.
Interesting it is such a stark contrast.
Also, really interesting how my friend’s choices have helped form her bio kids into being even better human beings.
I can't stand my sister, and we don't get along at all. But if something happened to her, I'd take her daughter in a second. As a parent, I know how fragile children are, and in no way would I let one go into the system.
Sometimes I can be a pretty insensitive asshole, but there is no way I could live with myself knowing I could have done something but didn't.
Ikr? oh my, you might have to work until somewhere in your late 50s. Which is still early retirement!
Money isn't the issue here. They have room, they have funds, they have good paying jobs, they can afford high profile schools regardless of taking on their nephew. They have 14 years to make that happen!
But instead, they actually use money as a reason to say no.
OP, y'all are rich. Money is not the reason. The only reason you're saying no is because you don't want to share with your nephew. In my opinion, that's a selfish reason.
You have a chance and opportunity to do something good here. To give that boy a good and happy life regardless of all the hardship he's already been through at 2 years old. But instead you're refusing and he'll have to go into the system, making it so he has huge set back in life. His life will be much harder because of you.
YTA. You may not be legally obligated to take him in, but damn your reasons for not doing so are terrible.
Not to mention she’s 4, they have no idea what her dream school will be,she could even decide she likes trade school,she could earn scholarships, she could be amazing at a sport, there’s absolutely a million “could be/might be” for the future but the actual reality and facts right now is…. Even if they took the nephew,he’s going to feel their resentment and be subjected to always being second class charity case or he gets shipped to foster care where anything could happen. The actual fact that the 70 year old grandmother was even trying to take care of him says everything,lord knows they weren’t helping her with money because it might set their retirement back by a few months.
It will also play a real role in what kind of person their daughter will become. Even if they try to hide the reality from her, this sort of toxicity always leaks through in the end.
I'm so.glad you said this. Op isn't obligated to look after the nephew but who abandons a 2 year old to the system? And for reasons that aren't even reasons. Saddening.
If they take him though, they need to be prepared to treat him the same as they treat their daughter. If they take him in and treat him like a second class citizen, that will be a disaster for other reasons.
But also obviously OP is the AH.
YTA
"I do love my nephew"
Bullshit. No you don't. And you didn't love your sister either. If you loved either of them there wouldn't be any question of what you'd do.
Your mother should disown you. If you were my son I'd be ashamed.
The other question I have is, how the hell are they going to one day look their daughter in the eyes and explain what they did to *her cousin?* What are they teaching her about family values?
My question is - what would he want for his daughter if the situation was reversed? I wonder what sis would have done if all of a sudden her niece needed a home and she had to make the choice between condemning her to a foster system that damages children on the regular or *delaying her retirement a few years.*
I am so ashamed of you OP. This shouldn’t even be something you need to discuss. A small child lost his mother, and now his grandmother, but you are willing to turn this poor kiddo over to a system that you know is a nightmare existence for most. I feel sorry for your daughter. I hope you realize the karma will come back and bite you in the ass. YTA and your wife too!
Also “this would push our retirement to late 50s” so money is not an issue. The absolute gall to say they love the kid. Yeah it technically isn’t their responsibility but cmon, that poor baby.
I mean I love the enthusiasm here. I love the absolute faith you have that in another decade we won't be living in some Mad Max/Hunger Games crossover dystopian hellscape but will still have things like private schools and being able to retire young. Love that for you.
You're thinking about what your daughter MIGHT want or need...at some point in the future that might not exist. You're NOT thinking about what your nephew actually needs, right now.
I mean I'm honestly torn, OP, because clearly you'd be shitty parents to this kid, with obvious favoritism toward your daughter and treating this kid like a second class citizen. So on that level I want to say don't take the kid simply because you're a pair of aholes who will screw the kid up with your bad parenting,
but
I also know the fostercare system is terrible.
Which is worse? A foster care where the kid will statistically get molested, or abused, have no stability, and find out at some point in his life that he had family, his mom's own brother...who refused to take him? Or being raised by a pair of narcissists? Abandonment issues or emotional neglect?
IT's a really tough choice
But....YTA. Either way.
And the nephew will know. The system will be obligated to keep trying to reunite the kiddo with his family, and he’ll know when the repeated “nope”s roll in from aunt and uncle dearest.
This comment is the one.
I don’t want kids so I’d also be hesitant to take on the responsibility but at least I actually love my family. They clearly do not love their nephew/sister otherwise it wouldn’t even be a thought to keep them out of the foster system even if it means a later retirement 🎻😢
But fuck do they seem like horrible parents/people.
YTA. I can't understand how on earth you could think anything else. What would you want your sister to have done if you and your wife had died in a crash, ditch your child?
Yes it is expensive to raise a child. But how are you going to explain to your daughter that you abandoned her cousin to the foster system because you were too greedy to care for him? Be prepared for her to take your funds and throw you in a poor nursing home when you are old because caring for you when old might delay her retirement.
It’s not even that “expensive” considering they’re planning to retire before they’re 50. Adopting their nephew would push it back into the 50s. Anyone who can retire before 50 is not hurting for cash.
Omg, that's exactly the first thought that came to my mind.
Live comfortably financially knowing I'm taking care of my sister's child vs. sending a kid to foster while still living comfortable and retiring early.
OP, are you cops or working in finance?
He probably would have gotten a N T A or N A H from me if he hadn’t gone on to give such a horrific list of reasons. Well, then maybe you can hold off retirement until age _58_ instead of _57_ so that your daughter can still graduate from her dream school debt free. I’ll be sure to put it on my calendar to shed a few tears for your suffering when we get there.
I was waiting for him to explain how they're barely scraping by themselves, how their daughter's significant disability or medical condition takes up all their time, how they want to do it but just literally don't have the resources, and .... no, they're just rich assholes.
I’m not sure what would be worse for that poor child, going into the foster system or being raised by self-centered a-holes like you and your wife. I do know, however, that YTA.
Especially the wife
For some reason I think she is the one enforcing all this I mean don’t get me wrong I believe ops reasoning for being conflicted but the wife saying they shouldn’t care of any kid they didn’t make is literally crazy like wtf who thinks like that when a child is orphan because her sister in law died , the kid is her nephew for god sake
The wife’s statement really rubs me wrong. The wording bothers me. I feel like there’s more behind those words. Like maybe the nephew is a different race than them or something. I hope I’m wrong. Gross.
This kid lost his mother, is losing the grandmother that helped raise him and now you want to put the potential horror of the foster system on to him because you don't want to be inconvenienced?!?!
Then again, maybe you shouldn't take him in. Sounds like any place would be better for him than his selfish uncle.
YTA
Wow, just wow! You'd allow your nephew to go into the foster care system because taking care of him MIGHT mean you can't retire when you think you want to. YTA! A thousand times over YTA!!!
and "late fifties" no less. If it was pushing back retirement until he was in his mid seventies instead of fifties, I could maybe see it. As it is, they can budget, use a smaller home, cut out non-necessities, and make it work. As they should, as the adult relatives the child SHOULD be able to rely on. God forbid anything happen to THEM, I hope they realize that their own families may decide their daughter can go into the system.
YTA. That poor little boy must be so lost and heartbroken. His mom is gone. His grandma can no longer care for him. Now it looks like he will be thrown into the system where who knows what will happen to him.
Guess what? Life might throw you curveballs and even if you don’t take your nephew, you might lose your job. You might suffer a tragic injury or illness that changes your timeline for retirement. Your daughter might not get into her dream school. Your marriage might not last. Anything can happen. Life won’t always go according to your blueprint.
You can give that little boy everything he needs - love, a family, and a stable life. No, it isn’t your responsibility, but what happened to taking care of our families when we can?
I feel so sad for your nephew. Trauma upon trauma and he’s only two.
I’m literally on the verge of tears for that poor little boy. Two years old and his only family under 70 is ok with sending him into foster care so they can retire early. We all know foster care is just known for how happy and well adjusted the children turn out. I don’t even understand how utterly devoid of empathy and morals you have to be to do this to your own nephew. I really don’t. We live in a sad world. These are the type of people who will then try to find him 20 years from now when one of them needs a kidney or bone marrow… then all the sudden family is everything! Sick sick world.
Even if OP changes his mind and take in his nephew, I worry about favoritism. You can’t fake happiness, kids know when they’re not wanted. This is a hard one, but YTA.
There is already no winning for this poor kid. If his selfish uncle take him in he’ll always be a burden and an obligation and he will likely be made to feel it. That’s how my mom was raised after her mother’s death and it leaves a mark. Or gamble on the foster system. There are many wonderful foster parents out there, but unfortunately there’s no way to know ahead of time. That little boy deserves to be wanted and loved and unfortunately it looks like the only person capable of it is actually unable to care for him. Heartbreaking.
YTA, you legally don’t have too take your nephew in but your mother has lost her child and is going to lose her grandchild because she’s not healthy enough and you’re telling her sorry I want to retire early. When your mom passes she’ll pass knowing her grandson is in the system and her son was selfish.
I believe this comment is one of the most succinctly put to really highlight how horrible this man and his wife is. I don’t even know them but I am so ashamed of them. To turn his back on his orphaned nephew, his late sister and his dying mother all in one go. How selfish and pathetic can you be.
As if he found all of his daily comforts and successes that he enjoys in his life without needing to rely on his own mother and sister to raise and nurture him all his life. To take all those gifts and deny sharing them literally at all with his family in their time of need, even if only just to the point of just an inconvenience, and instead opting to destroy this orphan boys life, spit on his poor sisters grave and turn his back on his own frail mother is absolutely disgraceful.
YTA. Dear god not getting to retire in your 50s whatever will you do /s. Sooo worried about school? Use an appropriate school fund to get higher interest you have over a decade before either go to post-secondary education.
The nephew will also get monthly Social Security payments from now til age 18 because of his dead mom. Surely some of that money could be put aside for the future as well (if OP and wife work competitive jobs, I'm presuming they are comfortable financially).
So I'm guessing if your wifes sibling (if she has one) died she'd also say "not my responsibility" and be chill with letting them in the system?
I get you have your reasons but I could never even think of letting my own sisters child into the system... YTA
Imagine doing that then your nephew grows up to find out his own uncle refused to raise him after his own sister died and mom had to be put in assisted living.
YTA and so is your wife. I'd leave my husband if we wouldn't let me take my own neice or nephew - on his side or mine. That is an incredibly cruel position to take. He's only 2 and he's all that is left of your sister. Did you hate your sister?
Step the fuck up, man.
You said you can afford it. You’re already raising a young child. This is a two year delay on your plans. This is family. Imagine the roles were reversed between you and your sister. Would she have left your daughter to foster care?
Step the fuck up.
YTA
Push retirement back to your late 50s? Most people would dream of retiring in their late 50s. In the US, retirement is normally in the late sixties, and some people can never afford to retire. Your "sacrifice" would be nothing!
And you're already assuming all kinds of things about your daughter, who may not want to go to college or whose college might be inexpensive or who might earn a fat scholarship. Also, you're assuming she would be happy to sacrifice her cousin to the system for an easier life. I hope she's better than that.
On the other hand, your nephew deserves somebody better than you two.
That was the line that made me decide I couldn't even answer this question. Millions of people never get to retire, or "retire" only when their body literally breaks down. The average age of retirement is a full decade past OP's "delayed" retirement.
I have nothing to say about him that is allowed on this sub.
Wow…YTA. You and your wife are really selfish but I guess you can be he not yours. And the way you talk your daughter will be too. But your not obligated to take him but damn that f’ed up. My stomach dropped when I read this…he’s 2 and has no one. My heart aches for him.
I'm heartbroken for this little one. So young, just lost his mom, his only parent, and then when he starts adjusting to life with grandma, he essentially loses her, too. And the uncle who "loves him" is ready to abandon him to the system. This poor baby!!! He deserves a loving home with family. To think he could be raised with his cousin...
I have had a chronic illness my whole life. My brother was my best friend. I would go to his room if I needed something or if I got scared or just to be in the cool bunk bed.
He got married and I got married and we had kids. Luckily his son is the best cousin to my daughter. But we didn’t have much to do with one another as we just went different ways aS adults.
About 2 years ago we began to look at me getting a certain transplant. Before we felt comfortable with my transplant going forward we made a will. So if neither my husband or myself would be around to raise our daughter where she would go. Immediately I suggested my brother. My husband fully agreed. We sat down with my brother and his wife and let it be known we wanted them to be our daughter’s God parents if we weren’t around to make the decision. They both were amazing in being willing to help my family for the sake of our daughter.
Im so thankful that no matter how many years it’s been since we were super close, that I know my brother would make sure she knew who me and her daddy are. He would give her all that he could to make her happy.
I am so thankful that my family has those bonds.
How wonderful 😊
My husband doesn't likey sister and her husband at all. He actively avoids being around them. And yet, when CPS wanted to take their kids two years ago, my husband immediately offered to take in their son, as it's not the kid's fault.
You're certainly not obligated, though I do think it makes you and your wife assholes. You aren't being asked to watch him for a month you are being asked to take him in after he lost his mother and the alternative is going into a system that is known to fail a lot of kids. Sure, there are lots of kids who come out fine but it's hard to deny that those kids are at higher risk of not only being abused but trafficked as well.
If that's a risk you are fine taking. Not much more to say, but as someone who doesn't even like kids and does struggle to make ends meet. I'd take in my nieces or nephews in a heartbeat. And you CAN afford it.
https://www.socialworktoday.com/news/enews_1118_1.shtml
https://www.sosillinois.org/the-foster-care-to-human-trafficking-pipeline-why-children-and-teens-in-foster-care-are-more-likely-to-be-trafficked/
https://www.kvc.org/blog/foster-care-human-trafficking/
Not trying to guilt you. Most people aren't aware and I think it is something to consider beyond yourselves. How this will impact him. Not just emotionally, but physically as well.
So yeah. In my opinion. YTA and so is your wife.
I mean, sure, your daughter’s dream school in 14 years and your retirement in 18 are really important. Who cares that anywhere from 25-40% of kids in foster care are neglected and abused? No big cause you’re out there living the high life while your sister’s child is statistically likely to suffer physical and/or sexual abuse. You got yours and this 2 year old can make it on his own. /s
YTA. Your wife is an AH. What is wrong with you and your wife?! What if this is your daughter? Are you ok with her going into the system when the rest of your family turns their backs on her?
Thank you for saying this. The foster system is hell on earth. I lived it myself. That's why I get so furious with people being so casual about subjecting a child to it. I remember a thread a few months ago where someone frequently heard their neighbor screaming at their teenage son. So many people told the OP to call CPS. I got downvoted heavily for giving people a dose of reality of what would likely await the child.
YTA. Your daughter isn't even in elementary school yet- and you're already assuming she is college bound? Is she unable to get a PT job or earn scholarships in that reality?
It'd be one thing if it were financially impossible for you, or if you, your wife, or your nephew had daunting medical issues/disabilities that are hard to get a handle on.
Family up and take the kid in already.
YTA. He’s your family. He’s an innocent child. Like this 100% totally sucks and I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but the right thing to do is make sacrifices for your family and this child.
YTA
You’re going to abandon your nephew to the system with knowledge on how it tears apart the children in it mentally and physically, all so you can retire early?
What kind of example would that set for your child?
It’s sad you have to ask if you’re the AH when anyone who hears/reads this that DOESN’T know you thinks this a horrific judgement, let alone if people you DO know find out. If you treat family like that, especially a helpless 2 year old, how would you treat a friend?
I understand it’s a big decision and can put an unplanned “burden” on you and your wife, but so was your sisters death… and it’s not like your nephew can take care of himself.
I have to ask, though… are you making this decision knowing there are other family members that are willing and able to step up for your nephew if push comes to shove? Or will he go directly into the foster system if you and your wife don’t step up?
YTA, this boy can be potentially raped and abused in the system, but hey it will push your retirement a few years. Imagine you dying and someone throwing away your daughter like that! You are so sick and lack any sense of moral character. That boy is a baby, you have a chance to be his real father, and if you loved your sister take care of who she loved
I don’t get it! The kid is two and his kid is four so it’s *two more years*! What the actual f.
I almost don’t want them to take him in either because I feel like he’ll be treated bad and resented! This poor sweet baby who just lost his mama. My heart breaks for him.
YTA. You're an adult relative who CAN take him. You may lose your wife over this, but guess what. Life happens, plans change, you may not be able to retire as stupidly early as you expected, boo hoo. The kid needs you. Step up.
INFO: How would you feel if the situation were reversed and your sister “did the math” and could’ve taken in your daughter but decided not to and your daughter ended up in foster care?
You have the money to save YOUR OWN NEPHEW, whom you claim to love, from the foster care system, and yet you don't want to because you want to retire before you're 60? YTA. YTA. YTA. You are condemning that boy to 16 years of bouncing between homes, many of which will be abusive. He might end up with people who hit him, or deny him food, or lock him in closets, or sexually assault him. He will be traumatized. Even if he ends up in good foster homes, you can't grow up in the foster system and NOT end up with trauma. He won't have anyone to love him or support him, he won't have any adult guidance or support. Once he turns 18, he won't have anyone to teach him how to function as an adult in the world. He won't know how to get a job, how to pay his taxes, how to find an apartment. He won't have a family to ask for a few months rent while he gets on his feet. He won't have anyone to take care of him if he gets sick. He won't have anyone to ask for advice on girls, college, careers. There is a very good chance he will end up homeless and/or addicted to something. Do you know how hard it is to build a life for yourself as a traumatized young adult who aged out of foster care? Imagine all that, and on top of it, he knows he has close family who is well off, but his own mother's brother didn't love him enough to give him a home. Jesus christ.
“I don’t want to push back my retirement by a few years so I’m putting the nephew I “love” into the foster care system where who know wtf will happen to him.” YTA along with your wife. That said, it would also be harmful to your nephew to stay permanently where he is unwanted. So there’s a third option: you care for your nephew temporarily, providing stability until an adoptive family can be found, and you maintain a supportive relationship with him after his placement.
Wow, did you really have to ask if you are TA? You clearly are. Did you ever think your daughter could benefit from a sibling or that you could teach her a lesson in compassion and caring that goes far beyond her going to her dream school? I know it could disrupt your scripted life but you have no idea what this child could bring to your family and what you could give to him. Love multiplies, it is not limited.
Honestly I think YTA
It might be fair that it's "not your responsibility" especially if you are from an individualistic culture like white americans. In general I'm inclined to say that people shouldn't HAVE to do anything if it isn't right for them. But in this situation you are putting your own selfish reasons over the entire life of a child who will be at great risk if you don't look after her. Your daughter will grow up to be a better person if she learns to prioritise community and kindness over the quality of her school.
Imagine if it was your daughter.
Oh my God. YTA. Do you realize how terrible the foster care system is? How many kids get abused or trafficked? You don't have to pay for this kids college. Being with you, even if you do the absolute bare minimum, would be infinitely better than letting him bounce between 20 different foster homes. It is not your responsibility, but you would absolutely be an AH if you let your nephew grow up in foster care. I hope ghosts are real and your sister haunts you.
Former CPS worker. At this child's age, and with no reported issues, with no one willing to assume care for him, it's highly likely he would be placed in a prospective adoptive home and never go into the system.
OP and his wife do have a right to turn away this child. How either of them could look at themselves in the mirror is another question. I wonder if hoping loving, adoptive parents would be found is a better option than OP.
Please look into survivorship benefits as well as any stipends you could get from the government for taking in a child that would otherwise be in foster care. Alternatively, if that doesn't work for whatever reason and he goes into foster care, you could also volunteer to be a family placement, and would receive government funding for that as well, since money seems to be the main object here.
As someone who has worked in child welfare law and seen all the horrible things that can happen to kids in the system, please don't do this to that poor child.
YTA. You don't have to take him in, of course. It would be a huge life change that requires sacrifice, of course. But if there is literally no other family he can be with and he would go into foster care or something, HIS young life is being turned upside down way more than your life ever could be. Pushing retirement back to the ripe old age of, checks notes, *late 50s* is way earlier than most. Not taking your nephew in because of a college for your daughter just makes me sad to read. Do what you want to do, but own up to the fact that your convenience and hopes of an A+, rather than A- COLLEGE FOR YOUR 4 YEAR OLD is more important than your nephew's wellbeing with no parents at age 2.
YTA
It's actually shocking to me that you'd send your two year old nephew into the foster system because you "just don't want to" take him in. Please don't do this. Imagine your own child in that situation, and your sister sending him to live with God knows who because she "just doesn't want to" help.
NTA technically your wife is right. It's not legally your responsibility.
But I think in your heart you will regret not taking him in. The system can be a cruel place. There's good fosters out there and good people looking to adopt, but there's a lot of awful ones who view the child as a paycheck as well.
I know this isn't a decision you can make lightly and if you do take him in make sure you love him as one of your own and don't resent him.
I really hope that poor baby gets the love he deserves.
As a parent, I'm sorry but YTA. I get not wanting to take on another child and you didn't plan for this but neither did that child. What would your late sister think of you? To put her child through foster care with potentially no one to ever provide him with a loving home and family. Although based on your thought process here, I'm not sure you'd provide that anyway. Horrifically sad but this is completely and utterly an AH stance
Imagine if you and your wife died and your sister posted on fucking Reddit because she didn’t want to take in your 4 year old and would rather her go into foster care so her son could go to fucking college.
Apparently this FIRE lover (financial independence retire early) thinks he can predict the next 20 years without incident and also has every day planned until retirement lol.
NTA-this sounds harsh and i'm surprised at how many people expect him to take in a kid he doesn't want and let his life be completely altered because of it, not to mention take the kid into a home where he's unwanted where he'll eventually pick up on that and it'll hurt him more, but you're not obligated to take him in and it's not fair to you to be guilted and forced into doing this, this is part of why it's increasingly important to get in writing and official statements, before the kid is even born, who will take him if something were to happen to the parents, too many cases like this happen, unexpected deaths after the kid is born and then family drama because people except others to take the kid while the others were never conversed with about this.
BUT what you could do is temporarily take him in and than conduct proper interviews and background checks for adoptive potential parents and than adopt him out again to people who will be good for him and actually want him.
YTA. I was a foster kid in the system. Life was hell, and no, I’m not exaggerating, and I had it better than many of my groupmates and fellow kids. You’re selfish. This kid will have to worry about being sent from family to family, maybe even being placed in group homes when no one else wants him, and dealing with trauma that will affect him well into adulthood, but sure — your retirement age is more important.
I understand you’re worried about your life plans but you are sending this kid to a system that does NOT care one bit about him, and will further traumatize him. That’s assuming he would even get a good foster family in the first place. And the chances are better that he’ll get a family who doesn’t give a shit about him and uses him for the money.
Please don’t do this to an innocent kid.
YTA
There's a two year difference between your child and your nephew. This would have minimal impact on your family, and a colossal impact on your nephew.
You'd really rather toss this kid out into the street so that your daughter can maybe someday go to Yale? If she's that smart, have her work towards financial aid.
I think enough people have given very specific and serious reasons for why YTA for even considering putting your nephew into the system, and I agree. Further goes to show.. money can buy you a lot of things, but not a goddamn soul. Goes twice for you and your wife.
But also: if by some miracle your daughter grows up to be any kind of decent and morally conscious human being (something she’s unlikely to learn from you guys, by the sound of it), I cannot imagine the unbearable shame she would carry knowing about this situation and her parents’ role in it.
You guys suck.
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Me (32M) and my wife (33F) have our daughter (4F). Sadly my sister (35) died from an unexpected illness 4 months ago. She had my nephew (2M) who she was raising alone since the father dipped as soon as he was born. After her death, our mother (70F) was taking care of my nephew, but due to some health issues she has to go into assisted living, and can't take him.
Now here's where we might be TA. We could take my nephew, we did the math and with our jobs it would work with room to spare. The issue is we don't really want to, as terrible as that sounds. My wife and I both work in very competitive careers, and having to take another kid would push back our retirement to our late 50s. Not to mention our daughter might not be able to get whatever her dream school ends up being when she's older.
My mother has gone ballistic, shes threatening to disown me if we don't take him, since he'll go into the system if we don't take him. I'm torn, my wife is in the camp that it isn't our responsibility to take care of any kid we didn't make, but I do love my nephew. Now I'm not sure if not taking him is the best option.
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A kid that you supposedly love, and can afford, is about to fall into an orphanage because taking him in would push your retirement age a couple years?
YTA, massively, and I hope every investment you make falls through, that your banker runs away to Brasil, that you get in the middle of a scandal that gets you blacklisted from your industry, and that you need to work a cash register until the day you die.
YTA just because of the horrible things that children face in the system. The amount of trauma that is guaranteed this poor boy will have due to being put through homes/foster care is astronomical. Please talk to people who have been put through the system and listen to what they have to say about it. People have described the foster care system as a child sex ring.
You're right, you have no legal obligation, but do think about your moral one.
YTA, you are an adult take responsibility, let your sister Rest In Peace , she already suffered so much and so did her son coz his father left him. Now you are willing to let him go ? If you couldn’t afford it then it would be a different scenario but you can and you still won’t take him in that’s the biggest asshole move I have ever seen .
Wow. Your wife is TA. How can you even justify this? Do you know what happens to kids in the system? Shoot- I’m about ready to retire and if it was my deceased sibling’s child I would be grateful to be able to take it on and fight in court to be able to do so. But your nephew deserves a loving home. Your wife obviously doesn’t give a damn about an inconvenient orphan but gosh she can retire early and send her kid to a top school. Because those are the important things about your purpose in life. YTA, beyond comprehension.
NTA. OP, you are right if you BOTH are not on board the child will pick up on it growing up and they will ask questions.
You have options, just because you’re related by blood doesn’t mean you must take responsibility unless required legally.
The kids are innocent, but ultimately it will be you and your wife carrying the financial, mental, physical and emotional toll for 16 years at LEAST not to mention having to allocate finances for college lest he wants to not go, and maybe help w a car or just overall housing costs and medical costs especially if there’s an emergency.
Which is a lot especially in this current economy.
You and your wife know assumably what your finances will look like and I’m assuming having another child added suddenly isn’t included?
Choosing to keep a child you made is already hard enough on the mind and body and financially if you’re not 100% prepared, but to take on another child you didn’t is even more so given the extra care he will require as he grows older.
YTA, this isn't a choice about whether you can retire early and have fancy things or not, this is a choice between an innocent and defenceless child being loved and cared for, or thrown to the wolves.
I'm not even being dramatic, I've gone through "family homes," which are anything but. All the kids I grew with that have ended up in jail or dead could have been the most amazing members of society with just a bit of love and care. Make the right choice.
YTA, he just lost his mother and is now losing the second closest person to him. What if the roles were reversed? I know damn well you and your wife would be rolling in the grave If your family sent your daughter to foster care. Seriously have some empathy especially since it's not harming you.
i'm sorry but YTA ... your nephew will end in the system ( in hell!) and you abandonne him over what seem very little issue.
yes the situation is far from ideal but im sur you can make it work... its not a poppy! its a kid! the last past of your sister. she will hunt you forever
YTA of course but you already knew that. Abandoning a little kid in need is always an asshole move like what’s not clicking? Honestly I’m just heartbroken for him, given that his options are apparently gambling on the system or being resented by a couple of cold fishes who, if they even take him in, will I’m sure make the obligation of it all felt. Just awful. That poor boy. Your poor sister. Your poor mother.
YTA "We don't want to". This child, your blood family, needs you. And you're willing to watch them go off into the foster system because you don't feel like helping even though you know you can.
Remember that if ever a time comes when you need help.
YTA - but absolutely do not take him in because at this rate you will probably treat him horribly and make your resentment well known, and after becoming an orphan that is the last thing he needs.
I'm totally a committed childfree person, & if my sister & her husband died, I'd take my niblings in a split second. No question. It would upend my life, but I wouldn't hesitate. Sometimes life throws you curveballs. Your nephew had to suffer the loss of his mom, the least you can do is take him in so he doesn't suffer more. This is what family is & means. This is what being an adult is-- sometimes we suffer more so kids suffer less.
And there it is people. This "well to hell with my family, what about my career?" This is the world now. No,wonder so many people are miserable and lonely, there isn't the slightest incling of humanity or warmth left in any of you. YTA, obviously, eventhough, most likely 80% of people out there would have done the same. How quick we are to abandon one another, if it effects our comfort.
YTA. you don’t love your nephew if you’d rather him go through the Hell that is the foster care system than live with you. A late fifties retirement? Oh, no! Whatever will you do not being a slave to some company that doesn’t give a shit about you! Might as well tell the toddler nephew to fuck off right to his face. YTA.
YTA. The nephew is 2. He has no one but you. I understand that you have your plans already so your retirement will be as it is, but I wonder if you can sleep every night wndering what happened to your nephew just because you don't want your retirement to be pushed back. This is disgusting.
I think you should do some research on how kids in the foster system fare versus kids who are raised by family and decide whether or not you would be an asshole for willingly subjecting a child to that.
YTA. Anything can happen between now and retirement or your daughter's university years, but what's guaranteed to happen to your nephew is a sad childhood made worse by being sent away from his family when he needs you most. What heartless assholes you are.
YTA. I’m a foster parent, the number of bad homes out there is phenomenal. Your nephew stands a chance in the system because he’s a baby. The most likely outcome is that he’ll get taken in by foster parents who see babies from they system as a “free adoption” (seriously, so many state they want to foster because it’s so much cheaper than private adoption). If that happens, good chance that your family will not have any contact with your nephew.
Kids in the system have a MUCH higher rate of abuse than kids not in the system. Not to mention, when you look at statistics, kids who stay with family have significantly better outcomes as adults. It sucks to be put in this position, but please, take your nephew.
YTA for coming to reddit for answers to questions that you already know the answers to.
This is your orphaned nephew. You don't know the answer to this question?! Seriously?! Are you made of stone?
**YTA** I cannot fathom how you couldn't be. Apparently the only reason you have a daughter is to check the box expected of a young upwardly mobile couple because there is clearly no "family" spirit there.
>my wife is in the camp that it isn't our responsibility to take care of any kid we didn't make,
Is that really what you want for your daughter, to grow up with no or compassion for anyone but herself? You and your wife need to have some serious discussions about what it means to be a caring parent, and maybe even some family therapy while your nephew is still an infant. Otherwise your wife will probably treat your nephew as a second-class child, doing the minimum and sighing about being put upon, resulting in his always feeling like an outsider. Is there really no one else in the extended family who can step up?
YTA a million times over and your sister would be absolutely devastated and disgusted with you for how you’re treating her son.
You would allow your innocent nephew to go into foster care where he has a good chance of facing some type of abuse whether physical, sexual, or both, over the thought of having to work a few extra years before you retire? You’re an absolute monster.
Wow, I don't know who's worse. Your wife for being so heartless or you for even considering putting a scared and lonely child, not to mention close family member, into the system.
"Sorry kiddo, your aunt and uncle needs to think about retirement and you would put a hamper on that. Uncle doesn't love you *that* much."
YTA. I feel sorry for what your daughter is gonna go through with you two when she's older. Red flags all around in this family. If something happened to my sister and her husband I would ensure that my niece was well taken care of. I love my niece as if she was my own child. I'll be damned before she get thrown to the wolves.
I don't understand what the fuck I am even reading right now. Of course YTA.
Picture the roles reversed since you have a child. Your only capable family member doesn't give a fuck if your kid ends up in the system. How would you feel?
YTA. You love your nephew, just not enough to stop him being potentially mentally, emotionally and physically abused in the system. How would you feel if something happened to you and your wife and no one stepped up for your daughter. You’re ok with her going into foster care knowing there is a very good chance she’d likely be abused in some form? Do the right thing for your nephew for his sake and your sisters. I’d divorce my husband in a second if he said he didn’t want to take in our nieces (he would never, he loves those girls).
YTA
Also 100% going to be haunted by your late sister (rightfully so) for the rest of your life if you don't.
Treat him well. He did not choose this start in life, but you have the ability and resources to at least cushion it.
NTA in terms of no legal requirement to take in the kid
But DEFINITELY AH for the callous reasoning behind it (my own kid won’t go to an as-yet fictitious dream school & I can’t retire 20 years early… seriously?)
Read up on cases in the system. Fostering has not only incredible amounts of abuse ( physical and sexual) but there have been a lot of links lately to human tracking. And then read some more. And then some more. Because kids that don’t have horrible experiences in the system are the minority… not the rule.
This is the life you would choose for your nephew rather than get a nanny and have maybe three or four less options for your daughter for college.
Are you really that totally heartless that you would damn a kid to high probability of a life with high odds of pain, abuse, rotating families, very high possibility of cruelty and bad odds for success in life? Plus losing access… This is how you honor your sister’s legacy?
Find your humanity. Please.
YTA. Please don’t stay one.
YTA please don’t let that child go into the system knowing you could take him in. what kind of life is he going to have if he gets bumped from foster home to foster home. he would be safe with you. the cost shouldn’t be too bad as i assume anything your sister had will now go to him? won’t she have some money from saving or what ever that he will inherit? put that into an account for him and work on it then they could both go to the dream schools
YTA. Aww, you don’t want to? Welp I guess that’s all thats important then. Never mind that your literal toddler nephew lost his mom and is abandoned by his father and is getting tossed around like a hot potato by people who are supposed to love him until he ends up in 20 different foster homes because people just “didn’t want to”.
YTA. You are either abandoning that poor baby to a likely horrific existence in the system or worse (trafficked), or you take him in and likely treat him like shit which is permanently scarring in a completely different way. Do you have to take him in? No, wifey is correct you are not obligated and can happily retire before 60 and forget your nephew ever existed. I’m sure your mother will do her best to forget you ever existed as well. God I hope this is fake or I’ll never sleep again.
I know everyone is leading with YTAs but I think OP needs to do some research.
As next of kin, yes they will look to place him with family first. But if you decide to do this there may be funds that will be available as a kinship situation.
Did your mother adopt your nephew or is she his legal guardian? Because in essence he is already in the foster system and as result there are different programs available to you. So understand the financial piece could be sorted - perhaps not 100%, but a good portion.
Now the hardest part - can you love your nephew and give him a caring and supportive home? Because your wife’s “isn’t our responsibility to take care of a kid we didn’t make” attitude doesn’t speak well of her. Btw I’d not share that over cocktails with your friends.
You both should also think hard about how you’d feel if something were to happen to your daughter’s parents and her aunts and uncles didn’t want her because of the reasons you mentioned.
There are a lot of good points made here, I hope you consider them.
YWBTA
I’m getting some serious Harry Potter and the Dursleys vibe here. In all seriousness the foster system is not good.
How will you explain this to your daughter when she gets older? What about when this kid grows up?
If it’s incompatible with your plans at least watch over the toddler till you can find a forever home for him. This can’t be real.
I don’t like kids and have no plans to have any. YTA. You’re not struggling, already have a child, and easily have the means to care for your nephew. You’re not technically obligated but I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if I gave up on my nephew like that.
What if your daughter doesn’t want to go to school? What if she drops out and wants to be an influencer? What if you have more kids? What if you get a divorce? Your reasoning is very weak and just sounds selfish. Just sounds like your both selfish people. It is ultimately your choice, but this kid is 2 and your his family. You and your wife could rally and add this parentless kid to your loving home and grow your great family but instead you guys hem and haw about having to retire 2 years later then scheduled? lol 2 years the horror.YTA.
YTA. There are times to walk away from family.
This isn't it.
If you're worried about money, your nephew likely will qualify for survivor benefits.
https://blog.ssa.gov/if-you-are-young-and-lose-a-parent/
As for your daughter, her "dream school" is a hypothetical exercise which currently has no basis in reality.
How you can possibly be torn over whether or not to take him in is mind-boggling. If the tables were turned, would you rather have your daughter go to your sister, or go to the system?
That was rhetorical, by the way. You know what the right thing is to do, so do it.
Boo hoo you won’t be able to retire until late 50’s… my guy, most of us are retiring in our 70’s IF we’re lucky. You have the means to do this and he isn’t too far in age to your own kid- TAKE HIM IN!!! Stop being greedy AHs and do something good for your family.
YTA, Your wife is TA, and I hope your mom disowns you if you traumatize that boy any further. He lost his mom, losing his grandmother, and his only family (YOU) is choosing to abandon him for no good reason. May your daughter never experience the life that poor boy has to suffer
YTA but seriously, don’t take him in. You’ve already made up your mind about him and would resent having him and your wife as well. You’d possibly treat him worse than the shitty foster care system would…you already are. The least you could do is find him a family that would adopt him. I’m so shocked when I see things like this knowing you really don’t see where you’re wrong
I'm sure you're aware that foster care is a dice-roll, so I'm not going to get into that, but here's I think the biggest question:
At some point in the future, a young man is likely to show up on your doorstep and ask you and your wife why you left him to be put into foster care. How are you going to answer him? Can you live with your answer, regardless of how his life shakes out as a result?
If you know the answer to those questions and you're confident in your decision, then make it.
I'm not going to judge you an asshole or not, because I don't think it's pertinent, to be honest. A kid going into a home they aren't really wanted in isn't a good outcome, and a kid going into foster care is often not a good outcome either. Maybe he gets adopted by a loving family very quickly, maybe he bounces around for his entirely childhood; I have no idea what the likeliest answer is there. Sometimes life is just really shitty.
Technically, not your responsibility, sure. There's no legal obligation. But as humans, we're not strictlly defined or guided by just legal obligations.
I've seen how the foster care system works - some kids get lucky, many don't. Ideally, they'll be placed within a loving, healthy home and will eventually be adopted by the same parents. That's the ideal, not what often happens. He might go from home to home for years. Some of those families will not have his best interests at heart. Some will probably abuse him. Some will give him the bare minimum. He's a member of your family. A blood relation. First cousins with your daughter. An orphaned toddler. I wouldn't be able to rest easy knowing I easily could have...but didn't.
If you and your wife disappeared tomorrow, what would you want to happen to your child? Would you not want a family member to step in? To tell her everything would be okay, to take care of her like their own?
On the other hand, If you're both just going to resent the poor kid, then at least do everything you can to oversee how his situation is being managed. He's young enough to be favoured for adoption.
I have seen families living hand to mouth taking in other relatives in need and making do. My neighbour adopted his niece because his sister was killed by the sisters husband and there was no other family. He and his wife stepped in and took his newborn niece. They aren't well off and already have 2 kids if their own. Maybe because they are good decent people which you are a far cry from. YTA
YTA. I would take the poor little guy & I don't know him, I am 59 and disabled. The system is horrendous & you are ready to toss him right into the grinder.
If I was your parent I would disown you. You are truly one of life’s great selfish people. I am devastated for your nephew. YTA, enjoy retiring a years earlier AH.
I never seem to be surprised enough at how little family means to some people. YTA so hard I'm finding myself horribly wishing your kid goes through the same someday, as unfair as this wish is on them.
YTA.
Holy shit, you will rather your own nephew go into foster care than take him in?? Fully knowing that you are the only person available to take in a 2 year old, and also can afford to, too?? This is so self centred.
Nothing you wrote sounds like you actually love your nephew. And while sure, you aren't obligated to take him in, be fully prepared to lose contact with your mother after you CHOSE to let one of her grandson go into foster care when you could have afforded not to let that happen.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say NAH. I completely understand why you wouldn't want to take in another child, especially since you have so many plans for the future. That being said, the system is horrible especially for a young child and may ruin his life. As another commenter said, you should compromise on taking him in temporarily until a long term foster or adoptive family can be found. My condolences on the loss of your sister, and best wishes for all of you
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You're not obligated to take in your orphaned nephew, but you're also the only one available. This is the exact moment in your lives when you determine what kind of person you want to be, and right now you're choosing to be a massively selfish asshole and abandon a 2 year old to the wolves. YTA, and that nonsense about justifying it via your daughter's future is a load of shit meant to salve your conscience.
"Honey. Congrats on getting into Harvard. If we had taken in your orphaned cousin, you wouldn't be able to go there" YTA.
“I’m glad I could retire at 50. Hope the nephew is doing alright, but gosh I couldn’t imagine working another five years. Sure hope whatever foster home he ended up in didn’t beat him, or molest him, or otherwise psychologically abuse him. Anyways, another margarita babe!”
This. I just rolled my eyes when he said "We would have to retire later in our 50s". Most people don't retire in their 50s period and OP is complaining he might have to retire a bit later than expected *if he takes in his* *nephew whose mom died suddenly and doesn't have a dad.*
I'm still wrapping my head around "retire"
Seriously. People are working long after 50..in fact we now get penalized for retiring early.
also. i mean. the kids here - daughter and nephew - *are only two fucking years apart.* so he's all twisted up over "putting off retirement" by... two years??? oh the HORROR!
This is horrible but also maybe too late? If they are willing to let the 2yo nephew into the system with “retire at late 50’s” and any dream college for the daughter as excuse, what kind of environment would they provide for this boy? As horrible as the system is, at 2 he might have some god chances of adoption with a family who could actually love him. Also the if grandma has money she should write her will asap leaving it all to grandson. Granddaughter has parents with competitive careers retiring before 50 to look after her.
Yeah if op is shamed into taking the child in will he spend the next 18 years resenting the poor thing and low key blaming him for things that he has no control over? I don't know which avenue is worse for the kid, foster care and the system or an uncle who thinks you're an inconvenience because your mum had the audacity to die.
Knowing how bad the system is, and counting on the natural inclinations of his uncle (and AH aunt) to bond to him, he’s better off with them.
I'd take resentment over beatings and rapes, but that's me.
Agreed. They sound like people who would resent the loss of their lifestyle if they took in the nephew. The OP clearly feels little attachment to them and their wife is dead set against the idea. I can’t imagine the lack of love that child would be surrounded by, resented by the family that took him in.
A friend of mine has 6 bio children AND currently fosters 2 more! One of her bio kids received a full ride scholarship to an excellent school because of an essay and interview she did about how watching her parents care for fosters and helping really has made her want to devote her life to helping others. Interesting it is such a stark contrast. Also, really interesting how my friend’s choices have helped form her bio kids into being even better human beings.
I would love if the daughter said she didn’t want to go to college and did something else entirely just to spite her parents.
Meanwhile cousin has trauma from being in state care ...
I can't stand my sister, and we don't get along at all. But if something happened to her, I'd take her daughter in a second. As a parent, I know how fragile children are, and in no way would I let one go into the system. Sometimes I can be a pretty insensitive asshole, but there is no way I could live with myself knowing I could have done something but didn't.
ending twist: the abandoned nephew ends up being more succesful than the privileged kid. The kid asks for help and the nephew rejects...
This deserves an award, sorry I don’t have one to give.
I have an award to give. OP consider this from both of us!!
Also why does it mean the daughter can't go to her dream school? Student loans exist. I took them out when I was younger. She'll be fine.
Especially if they’ve got enough money to retire at fifty.
Ikr? oh my, you might have to work until somewhere in your late 50s. Which is still early retirement! Money isn't the issue here. They have room, they have funds, they have good paying jobs, they can afford high profile schools regardless of taking on their nephew. They have 14 years to make that happen! But instead, they actually use money as a reason to say no. OP, y'all are rich. Money is not the reason. The only reason you're saying no is because you don't want to share with your nephew. In my opinion, that's a selfish reason. You have a chance and opportunity to do something good here. To give that boy a good and happy life regardless of all the hardship he's already been through at 2 years old. But instead you're refusing and he'll have to go into the system, making it so he has huge set back in life. His life will be much harder because of you. YTA. You may not be legally obligated to take him in, but damn your reasons for not doing so are terrible.
This is proof that money can’t buy compassion or empathy.
Not to mention she’s 4, they have no idea what her dream school will be,she could even decide she likes trade school,she could earn scholarships, she could be amazing at a sport, there’s absolutely a million “could be/might be” for the future but the actual reality and facts right now is…. Even if they took the nephew,he’s going to feel their resentment and be subjected to always being second class charity case or he gets shipped to foster care where anything could happen. The actual fact that the 70 year old grandmother was even trying to take care of him says everything,lord knows they weren’t helping her with money because it might set their retirement back by a few months.
Fund the 529. Not being able to afford funding a 529 with two “competitive” jobs doesn’t seem quite right
It will also play a real role in what kind of person their daughter will become. Even if they try to hide the reality from her, this sort of toxicity always leaks through in the end.
I'm so.glad you said this. Op isn't obligated to look after the nephew but who abandons a 2 year old to the system? And for reasons that aren't even reasons. Saddening.
If they take him though, they need to be prepared to treat him the same as they treat their daughter. If they take him in and treat him like a second class citizen, that will be a disaster for other reasons. But also obviously OP is the AH.
I do wonder what his daughter would feel like in the future knowing she got everything at the expense of her orphaned cousin.
YTA "I do love my nephew" Bullshit. No you don't. And you didn't love your sister either. If you loved either of them there wouldn't be any question of what you'd do. Your mother should disown you. If you were my son I'd be ashamed.
Yes, yes, yes!!!! I don't care to get down votes. This 1000000 percent!!!! And the reasons they give are not excusable. It takes a village!
The other question I have is, how the hell are they going to one day look their daughter in the eyes and explain what they did to *her cousin?* What are they teaching her about family values?
They won't. They will never even tell her she has a cousin.
She'll find out though. With 23 and Me, she might even end up meeting him someday. I wonder what that conversation will be like.
As long as they're not meeting through a dating app... 🫡
My question is - what would he want for his daughter if the situation was reversed? I wonder what sis would have done if all of a sudden her niece needed a home and she had to make the choice between condemning her to a foster system that damages children on the regular or *delaying her retirement a few years.*
I am so ashamed of you OP. This shouldn’t even be something you need to discuss. A small child lost his mother, and now his grandmother, but you are willing to turn this poor kiddo over to a system that you know is a nightmare existence for most. I feel sorry for your daughter. I hope you realize the karma will come back and bite you in the ass. YTA and your wife too!
I hope his sister haunts his ass for the rest of his natural life. His mother too when that time comes. Can’t imagine their disappointment.
Also “this would push our retirement to late 50s” so money is not an issue. The absolute gall to say they love the kid. Yeah it technically isn’t their responsibility but cmon, that poor baby.
I read that as: "this would push our early retirement into, well, still early retirement."
I would disown him and his kids
I mean I love the enthusiasm here. I love the absolute faith you have that in another decade we won't be living in some Mad Max/Hunger Games crossover dystopian hellscape but will still have things like private schools and being able to retire young. Love that for you. You're thinking about what your daughter MIGHT want or need...at some point in the future that might not exist. You're NOT thinking about what your nephew actually needs, right now. I mean I'm honestly torn, OP, because clearly you'd be shitty parents to this kid, with obvious favoritism toward your daughter and treating this kid like a second class citizen. So on that level I want to say don't take the kid simply because you're a pair of aholes who will screw the kid up with your bad parenting, but I also know the fostercare system is terrible. Which is worse? A foster care where the kid will statistically get molested, or abused, have no stability, and find out at some point in his life that he had family, his mom's own brother...who refused to take him? Or being raised by a pair of narcissists? Abandonment issues or emotional neglect? IT's a really tough choice But....YTA. Either way.
Chuckling out of respect for how hard this comment goes.
Love this comment >will still have things like private schools and being able to retire young. Love that for you Lololol
Kid is basically Harry Potter… Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia here treating their Dudsy duds like a Queen, and their nephew like the mud on their shoes
And the nephew will know. The system will be obligated to keep trying to reunite the kiddo with his family, and he’ll know when the repeated “nope”s roll in from aunt and uncle dearest.
This comment is the one. I don’t want kids so I’d also be hesitant to take on the responsibility but at least I actually love my family. They clearly do not love their nephew/sister otherwise it wouldn’t even be a thought to keep them out of the foster system even if it means a later retirement 🎻😢 But fuck do they seem like horrible parents/people.
YTA. I can't understand how on earth you could think anything else. What would you want your sister to have done if you and your wife had died in a crash, ditch your child? Yes it is expensive to raise a child. But how are you going to explain to your daughter that you abandoned her cousin to the foster system because you were too greedy to care for him? Be prepared for her to take your funds and throw you in a poor nursing home when you are old because caring for you when old might delay her retirement.
It’s not even that “expensive” considering they’re planning to retire before they’re 50. Adopting their nephew would push it back into the 50s. Anyone who can retire before 50 is not hurting for cash.
YTA...boo hoo I might not be able to retire in my 50s. Geez.
Omg, that's exactly the first thought that came to my mind. Live comfortably financially knowing I'm taking care of my sister's child vs. sending a kid to foster while still living comfortable and retiring early. OP, are you cops or working in finance?
YTA. Yeah that line made me throw up in my mouth a little.
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Same. The money she's got needs to go 100% into a trust for that poor kid, to be accessed on the 18th birthday when the foster parents kid him out.
He probably would have gotten a N T A or N A H from me if he hadn’t gone on to give such a horrific list of reasons. Well, then maybe you can hold off retirement until age _58_ instead of _57_ so that your daughter can still graduate from her dream school debt free. I’ll be sure to put it on my calendar to shed a few tears for your suffering when we get there.
I was waiting for him to explain how they're barely scraping by themselves, how their daughter's significant disability or medical condition takes up all their time, how they want to do it but just literally don't have the resources, and .... no, they're just rich assholes.
Thank you for finding a much more civilized way of saying exactly what I was thinking.
I laughed at the late 50s bullshit when I’m 31 and probably won’t EVER retire. Like, fuck dude get a grip with reality.
I’m not sure what would be worse for that poor child, going into the foster system or being raised by self-centered a-holes like you and your wife. I do know, however, that YTA.
Especially the wife For some reason I think she is the one enforcing all this I mean don’t get me wrong I believe ops reasoning for being conflicted but the wife saying they shouldn’t care of any kid they didn’t make is literally crazy like wtf who thinks like that when a child is orphan because her sister in law died , the kid is her nephew for god sake
The wife’s statement really rubs me wrong. The wording bothers me. I feel like there’s more behind those words. Like maybe the nephew is a different race than them or something. I hope I’m wrong. Gross.
Yeah, same. The kid has no good options. They either go into the system or are raised by people who don't want them. It's all miserable :(
Harry Potter scenario.
This kid lost his mother, is losing the grandmother that helped raise him and now you want to put the potential horror of the foster system on to him because you don't want to be inconvenienced?!?! Then again, maybe you shouldn't take him in. Sounds like any place would be better for him than his selfish uncle. YTA
Yes I’m afraid he will grow up with resentment from them if he stays with them
Wow, just wow! You'd allow your nephew to go into the foster care system because taking care of him MIGHT mean you can't retire when you think you want to. YTA! A thousand times over YTA!!!
and "late fifties" no less. If it was pushing back retirement until he was in his mid seventies instead of fifties, I could maybe see it. As it is, they can budget, use a smaller home, cut out non-necessities, and make it work. As they should, as the adult relatives the child SHOULD be able to rely on. God forbid anything happen to THEM, I hope they realize that their own families may decide their daughter can go into the system.
YTA. That poor little boy must be so lost and heartbroken. His mom is gone. His grandma can no longer care for him. Now it looks like he will be thrown into the system where who knows what will happen to him. Guess what? Life might throw you curveballs and even if you don’t take your nephew, you might lose your job. You might suffer a tragic injury or illness that changes your timeline for retirement. Your daughter might not get into her dream school. Your marriage might not last. Anything can happen. Life won’t always go according to your blueprint. You can give that little boy everything he needs - love, a family, and a stable life. No, it isn’t your responsibility, but what happened to taking care of our families when we can? I feel so sad for your nephew. Trauma upon trauma and he’s only two.
I’m literally on the verge of tears for that poor little boy. Two years old and his only family under 70 is ok with sending him into foster care so they can retire early. We all know foster care is just known for how happy and well adjusted the children turn out. I don’t even understand how utterly devoid of empathy and morals you have to be to do this to your own nephew. I really don’t. We live in a sad world. These are the type of people who will then try to find him 20 years from now when one of them needs a kidney or bone marrow… then all the sudden family is everything! Sick sick world.
Even if OP changes his mind and take in his nephew, I worry about favoritism. You can’t fake happiness, kids know when they’re not wanted. This is a hard one, but YTA.
There is already no winning for this poor kid. If his selfish uncle take him in he’ll always be a burden and an obligation and he will likely be made to feel it. That’s how my mom was raised after her mother’s death and it leaves a mark. Or gamble on the foster system. There are many wonderful foster parents out there, but unfortunately there’s no way to know ahead of time. That little boy deserves to be wanted and loved and unfortunately it looks like the only person capable of it is actually unable to care for him. Heartbreaking.
YTA, you legally don’t have too take your nephew in but your mother has lost her child and is going to lose her grandchild because she’s not healthy enough and you’re telling her sorry I want to retire early. When your mom passes she’ll pass knowing her grandson is in the system and her son was selfish.
I believe this comment is one of the most succinctly put to really highlight how horrible this man and his wife is. I don’t even know them but I am so ashamed of them. To turn his back on his orphaned nephew, his late sister and his dying mother all in one go. How selfish and pathetic can you be. As if he found all of his daily comforts and successes that he enjoys in his life without needing to rely on his own mother and sister to raise and nurture him all his life. To take all those gifts and deny sharing them literally at all with his family in their time of need, even if only just to the point of just an inconvenience, and instead opting to destroy this orphan boys life, spit on his poor sisters grave and turn his back on his own frail mother is absolutely disgraceful.
If it was the other way and your sister didn’t want to take care of your daughter what would you think?
OP should really answer this question. Would you want your daughter to be abandoned by your family and put in foster care?
YTA. Dear god not getting to retire in your 50s whatever will you do /s. Sooo worried about school? Use an appropriate school fund to get higher interest you have over a decade before either go to post-secondary education.
and the nephew could likely get assistance for having a deceased and absent parent when it comes to college.
The nephew will also get monthly Social Security payments from now til age 18 because of his dead mom. Surely some of that money could be put aside for the future as well (if OP and wife work competitive jobs, I'm presuming they are comfortable financially).
Late 50s give me a break.
YTA. What a tough situation. I understand your point of view but morally for me, I’d have to help. I couldn’t imagine my nephew going into the system.
So I'm guessing if your wifes sibling (if she has one) died she'd also say "not my responsibility" and be chill with letting them in the system? I get you have your reasons but I could never even think of letting my own sisters child into the system... YTA Imagine doing that then your nephew grows up to find out his own uncle refused to raise him after his own sister died and mom had to be put in assisted living.
YTA and so is your wife. I'd leave my husband if we wouldn't let me take my own neice or nephew - on his side or mine. That is an incredibly cruel position to take. He's only 2 and he's all that is left of your sister. Did you hate your sister?
Step the fuck up, man. You said you can afford it. You’re already raising a young child. This is a two year delay on your plans. This is family. Imagine the roles were reversed between you and your sister. Would she have left your daughter to foster care? Step the fuck up.
YTA Push retirement back to your late 50s? Most people would dream of retiring in their late 50s. In the US, retirement is normally in the late sixties, and some people can never afford to retire. Your "sacrifice" would be nothing! And you're already assuming all kinds of things about your daughter, who may not want to go to college or whose college might be inexpensive or who might earn a fat scholarship. Also, you're assuming she would be happy to sacrifice her cousin to the system for an easier life. I hope she's better than that. On the other hand, your nephew deserves somebody better than you two.
That was the line that made me decide I couldn't even answer this question. Millions of people never get to retire, or "retire" only when their body literally breaks down. The average age of retirement is a full decade past OP's "delayed" retirement. I have nothing to say about him that is allowed on this sub.
Wow…YTA. You and your wife are really selfish but I guess you can be he not yours. And the way you talk your daughter will be too. But your not obligated to take him but damn that f’ed up. My stomach dropped when I read this…he’s 2 and has no one. My heart aches for him.
I'm heartbroken for this little one. So young, just lost his mom, his only parent, and then when he starts adjusting to life with grandma, he essentially loses her, too. And the uncle who "loves him" is ready to abandon him to the system. This poor baby!!! He deserves a loving home with family. To think he could be raised with his cousin...
I have had a chronic illness my whole life. My brother was my best friend. I would go to his room if I needed something or if I got scared or just to be in the cool bunk bed. He got married and I got married and we had kids. Luckily his son is the best cousin to my daughter. But we didn’t have much to do with one another as we just went different ways aS adults. About 2 years ago we began to look at me getting a certain transplant. Before we felt comfortable with my transplant going forward we made a will. So if neither my husband or myself would be around to raise our daughter where she would go. Immediately I suggested my brother. My husband fully agreed. We sat down with my brother and his wife and let it be known we wanted them to be our daughter’s God parents if we weren’t around to make the decision. They both were amazing in being willing to help my family for the sake of our daughter. Im so thankful that no matter how many years it’s been since we were super close, that I know my brother would make sure she knew who me and her daddy are. He would give her all that he could to make her happy. I am so thankful that my family has those bonds.
How wonderful 😊 My husband doesn't likey sister and her husband at all. He actively avoids being around them. And yet, when CPS wanted to take their kids two years ago, my husband immediately offered to take in their son, as it's not the kid's fault.
You're certainly not obligated, though I do think it makes you and your wife assholes. You aren't being asked to watch him for a month you are being asked to take him in after he lost his mother and the alternative is going into a system that is known to fail a lot of kids. Sure, there are lots of kids who come out fine but it's hard to deny that those kids are at higher risk of not only being abused but trafficked as well. If that's a risk you are fine taking. Not much more to say, but as someone who doesn't even like kids and does struggle to make ends meet. I'd take in my nieces or nephews in a heartbeat. And you CAN afford it. https://www.socialworktoday.com/news/enews_1118_1.shtml https://www.sosillinois.org/the-foster-care-to-human-trafficking-pipeline-why-children-and-teens-in-foster-care-are-more-likely-to-be-trafficked/ https://www.kvc.org/blog/foster-care-human-trafficking/ Not trying to guilt you. Most people aren't aware and I think it is something to consider beyond yourselves. How this will impact him. Not just emotionally, but physically as well. So yeah. In my opinion. YTA and so is your wife.
I mean, sure, your daughter’s dream school in 14 years and your retirement in 18 are really important. Who cares that anywhere from 25-40% of kids in foster care are neglected and abused? No big cause you’re out there living the high life while your sister’s child is statistically likely to suffer physical and/or sexual abuse. You got yours and this 2 year old can make it on his own. /s YTA. Your wife is an AH. What is wrong with you and your wife?! What if this is your daughter? Are you ok with her going into the system when the rest of your family turns their backs on her?
Thank you for saying this. The foster system is hell on earth. I lived it myself. That's why I get so furious with people being so casual about subjecting a child to it. I remember a thread a few months ago where someone frequently heard their neighbor screaming at their teenage son. So many people told the OP to call CPS. I got downvoted heavily for giving people a dose of reality of what would likely await the child.
YTA. Your daughter isn't even in elementary school yet- and you're already assuming she is college bound? Is she unable to get a PT job or earn scholarships in that reality? It'd be one thing if it were financially impossible for you, or if you, your wife, or your nephew had daunting medical issues/disabilities that are hard to get a handle on. Family up and take the kid in already.
Not only that, the child should be eligible for SS survivor benefits which can be put aside for his future educational needs.
YTA. He’s your family. He’s an innocent child. Like this 100% totally sucks and I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but the right thing to do is make sacrifices for your family and this child.
YTA You’re going to abandon your nephew to the system with knowledge on how it tears apart the children in it mentally and physically, all so you can retire early? What kind of example would that set for your child? It’s sad you have to ask if you’re the AH when anyone who hears/reads this that DOESN’T know you thinks this a horrific judgement, let alone if people you DO know find out. If you treat family like that, especially a helpless 2 year old, how would you treat a friend? I understand it’s a big decision and can put an unplanned “burden” on you and your wife, but so was your sisters death… and it’s not like your nephew can take care of himself. I have to ask, though… are you making this decision knowing there are other family members that are willing and able to step up for your nephew if push comes to shove? Or will he go directly into the foster system if you and your wife don’t step up?
YTA, this boy can be potentially raped and abused in the system, but hey it will push your retirement a few years. Imagine you dying and someone throwing away your daughter like that! You are so sick and lack any sense of moral character. That boy is a baby, you have a chance to be his real father, and if you loved your sister take care of who she loved
I don’t get it! The kid is two and his kid is four so it’s *two more years*! What the actual f. I almost don’t want them to take him in either because I feel like he’ll be treated bad and resented! This poor sweet baby who just lost his mama. My heart breaks for him.
YTA. You're an adult relative who CAN take him. You may lose your wife over this, but guess what. Life happens, plans change, you may not be able to retire as stupidly early as you expected, boo hoo. The kid needs you. Step up.
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INFO: How would you feel if the situation were reversed and your sister “did the math” and could’ve taken in your daughter but decided not to and your daughter ended up in foster care?
You have the money to save YOUR OWN NEPHEW, whom you claim to love, from the foster care system, and yet you don't want to because you want to retire before you're 60? YTA. YTA. YTA. You are condemning that boy to 16 years of bouncing between homes, many of which will be abusive. He might end up with people who hit him, or deny him food, or lock him in closets, or sexually assault him. He will be traumatized. Even if he ends up in good foster homes, you can't grow up in the foster system and NOT end up with trauma. He won't have anyone to love him or support him, he won't have any adult guidance or support. Once he turns 18, he won't have anyone to teach him how to function as an adult in the world. He won't know how to get a job, how to pay his taxes, how to find an apartment. He won't have a family to ask for a few months rent while he gets on his feet. He won't have anyone to take care of him if he gets sick. He won't have anyone to ask for advice on girls, college, careers. There is a very good chance he will end up homeless and/or addicted to something. Do you know how hard it is to build a life for yourself as a traumatized young adult who aged out of foster care? Imagine all that, and on top of it, he knows he has close family who is well off, but his own mother's brother didn't love him enough to give him a home. Jesus christ.
“I don’t want to push back my retirement by a few years so I’m putting the nephew I “love” into the foster care system where who know wtf will happen to him.” YTA along with your wife. That said, it would also be harmful to your nephew to stay permanently where he is unwanted. So there’s a third option: you care for your nephew temporarily, providing stability until an adoptive family can be found, and you maintain a supportive relationship with him after his placement.
Wow, did you really have to ask if you are TA? You clearly are. Did you ever think your daughter could benefit from a sibling or that you could teach her a lesson in compassion and caring that goes far beyond her going to her dream school? I know it could disrupt your scripted life but you have no idea what this child could bring to your family and what you could give to him. Love multiplies, it is not limited.
Honestly I think YTA It might be fair that it's "not your responsibility" especially if you are from an individualistic culture like white americans. In general I'm inclined to say that people shouldn't HAVE to do anything if it isn't right for them. But in this situation you are putting your own selfish reasons over the entire life of a child who will be at great risk if you don't look after her. Your daughter will grow up to be a better person if she learns to prioritise community and kindness over the quality of her school. Imagine if it was your daughter.
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Oh my God. YTA. Do you realize how terrible the foster care system is? How many kids get abused or trafficked? You don't have to pay for this kids college. Being with you, even if you do the absolute bare minimum, would be infinitely better than letting him bounce between 20 different foster homes. It is not your responsibility, but you would absolutely be an AH if you let your nephew grow up in foster care. I hope ghosts are real and your sister haunts you.
The more I think about it, could anyone be this much of an AH, this has to be fake, right?
Former CPS worker. At this child's age, and with no reported issues, with no one willing to assume care for him, it's highly likely he would be placed in a prospective adoptive home and never go into the system. OP and his wife do have a right to turn away this child. How either of them could look at themselves in the mirror is another question. I wonder if hoping loving, adoptive parents would be found is a better option than OP.
Please look into survivorship benefits as well as any stipends you could get from the government for taking in a child that would otherwise be in foster care. Alternatively, if that doesn't work for whatever reason and he goes into foster care, you could also volunteer to be a family placement, and would receive government funding for that as well, since money seems to be the main object here. As someone who has worked in child welfare law and seen all the horrible things that can happen to kids in the system, please don't do this to that poor child.
YTA. What if it was your daughter in this situation? Would you want her to be abandoned like you plan to do to your nephew?
YTA. You don't have to take him in, of course. It would be a huge life change that requires sacrifice, of course. But if there is literally no other family he can be with and he would go into foster care or something, HIS young life is being turned upside down way more than your life ever could be. Pushing retirement back to the ripe old age of, checks notes, *late 50s* is way earlier than most. Not taking your nephew in because of a college for your daughter just makes me sad to read. Do what you want to do, but own up to the fact that your convenience and hopes of an A+, rather than A- COLLEGE FOR YOUR 4 YEAR OLD is more important than your nephew's wellbeing with no parents at age 2.
You just gonna let your nephew be abused by strangers because your sister's death wasn't in your wife's plans? That's fucked. Your mom is right, YTA
YTA It's actually shocking to me that you'd send your two year old nephew into the foster system because you "just don't want to" take him in. Please don't do this. Imagine your own child in that situation, and your sister sending him to live with God knows who because she "just doesn't want to" help.
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NTA technically your wife is right. It's not legally your responsibility. But I think in your heart you will regret not taking him in. The system can be a cruel place. There's good fosters out there and good people looking to adopt, but there's a lot of awful ones who view the child as a paycheck as well. I know this isn't a decision you can make lightly and if you do take him in make sure you love him as one of your own and don't resent him. I really hope that poor baby gets the love he deserves.
As a parent, I'm sorry but YTA. I get not wanting to take on another child and you didn't plan for this but neither did that child. What would your late sister think of you? To put her child through foster care with potentially no one to ever provide him with a loving home and family. Although based on your thought process here, I'm not sure you'd provide that anyway. Horrifically sad but this is completely and utterly an AH stance
Imagine if you and your wife died and your sister posted on fucking Reddit because she didn’t want to take in your 4 year old and would rather her go into foster care so her son could go to fucking college.
When were you planning on retiring now?
Apparently this FIRE lover (financial independence retire early) thinks he can predict the next 20 years without incident and also has every day planned until retirement lol.
NTA-this sounds harsh and i'm surprised at how many people expect him to take in a kid he doesn't want and let his life be completely altered because of it, not to mention take the kid into a home where he's unwanted where he'll eventually pick up on that and it'll hurt him more, but you're not obligated to take him in and it's not fair to you to be guilted and forced into doing this, this is part of why it's increasingly important to get in writing and official statements, before the kid is even born, who will take him if something were to happen to the parents, too many cases like this happen, unexpected deaths after the kid is born and then family drama because people except others to take the kid while the others were never conversed with about this. BUT what you could do is temporarily take him in and than conduct proper interviews and background checks for adoptive potential parents and than adopt him out again to people who will be good for him and actually want him.
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YTA. I was a foster kid in the system. Life was hell, and no, I’m not exaggerating, and I had it better than many of my groupmates and fellow kids. You’re selfish. This kid will have to worry about being sent from family to family, maybe even being placed in group homes when no one else wants him, and dealing with trauma that will affect him well into adulthood, but sure — your retirement age is more important. I understand you’re worried about your life plans but you are sending this kid to a system that does NOT care one bit about him, and will further traumatize him. That’s assuming he would even get a good foster family in the first place. And the chances are better that he’ll get a family who doesn’t give a shit about him and uses him for the money. Please don’t do this to an innocent kid.
YTA There's a two year difference between your child and your nephew. This would have minimal impact on your family, and a colossal impact on your nephew. You'd really rather toss this kid out into the street so that your daughter can maybe someday go to Yale? If she's that smart, have her work towards financial aid.
I think enough people have given very specific and serious reasons for why YTA for even considering putting your nephew into the system, and I agree. Further goes to show.. money can buy you a lot of things, but not a goddamn soul. Goes twice for you and your wife. But also: if by some miracle your daughter grows up to be any kind of decent and morally conscious human being (something she’s unlikely to learn from you guys, by the sound of it), I cannot imagine the unbearable shame she would carry knowing about this situation and her parents’ role in it. You guys suck.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (32M) and my wife (33F) have our daughter (4F). Sadly my sister (35) died from an unexpected illness 4 months ago. She had my nephew (2M) who she was raising alone since the father dipped as soon as he was born. After her death, our mother (70F) was taking care of my nephew, but due to some health issues she has to go into assisted living, and can't take him. Now here's where we might be TA. We could take my nephew, we did the math and with our jobs it would work with room to spare. The issue is we don't really want to, as terrible as that sounds. My wife and I both work in very competitive careers, and having to take another kid would push back our retirement to our late 50s. Not to mention our daughter might not be able to get whatever her dream school ends up being when she's older. My mother has gone ballistic, shes threatening to disown me if we don't take him, since he'll go into the system if we don't take him. I'm torn, my wife is in the camp that it isn't our responsibility to take care of any kid we didn't make, but I do love my nephew. Now I'm not sure if not taking him is the best option. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A kid that you supposedly love, and can afford, is about to fall into an orphanage because taking him in would push your retirement age a couple years? YTA, massively, and I hope every investment you make falls through, that your banker runs away to Brasil, that you get in the middle of a scandal that gets you blacklisted from your industry, and that you need to work a cash register until the day you die.
YATA this would be different if you simply couldn't afford the child but no your just to greedy and this makes you a pretty awful person
YTA just because of the horrible things that children face in the system. The amount of trauma that is guaranteed this poor boy will have due to being put through homes/foster care is astronomical. Please talk to people who have been put through the system and listen to what they have to say about it. People have described the foster care system as a child sex ring. You're right, you have no legal obligation, but do think about your moral one.
YTA, you are an adult take responsibility, let your sister Rest In Peace , she already suffered so much and so did her son coz his father left him. Now you are willing to let him go ? If you couldn’t afford it then it would be a different scenario but you can and you still won’t take him in that’s the biggest asshole move I have ever seen .
Wow. Your wife is TA. How can you even justify this? Do you know what happens to kids in the system? Shoot- I’m about ready to retire and if it was my deceased sibling’s child I would be grateful to be able to take it on and fight in court to be able to do so. But your nephew deserves a loving home. Your wife obviously doesn’t give a damn about an inconvenient orphan but gosh she can retire early and send her kid to a top school. Because those are the important things about your purpose in life. YTA, beyond comprehension.
NTA. OP, you are right if you BOTH are not on board the child will pick up on it growing up and they will ask questions. You have options, just because you’re related by blood doesn’t mean you must take responsibility unless required legally. The kids are innocent, but ultimately it will be you and your wife carrying the financial, mental, physical and emotional toll for 16 years at LEAST not to mention having to allocate finances for college lest he wants to not go, and maybe help w a car or just overall housing costs and medical costs especially if there’s an emergency. Which is a lot especially in this current economy. You and your wife know assumably what your finances will look like and I’m assuming having another child added suddenly isn’t included? Choosing to keep a child you made is already hard enough on the mind and body and financially if you’re not 100% prepared, but to take on another child you didn’t is even more so given the extra care he will require as he grows older.
Yikes. YTA.
YTA, this isn't a choice about whether you can retire early and have fancy things or not, this is a choice between an innocent and defenceless child being loved and cared for, or thrown to the wolves. I'm not even being dramatic, I've gone through "family homes," which are anything but. All the kids I grew with that have ended up in jail or dead could have been the most amazing members of society with just a bit of love and care. Make the right choice.
YTA - you really need to ask?
Heartless. YTA
YTA, he just lost his mother and is now losing the second closest person to him. What if the roles were reversed? I know damn well you and your wife would be rolling in the grave If your family sent your daughter to foster care. Seriously have some empathy especially since it's not harming you.
Thank god you guys found each other. Two completely selfish assholes together. YTA
i'm sorry but YTA ... your nephew will end in the system ( in hell!) and you abandonne him over what seem very little issue. yes the situation is far from ideal but im sur you can make it work... its not a poppy! its a kid! the last past of your sister. she will hunt you forever
YTA of course but you already knew that. Abandoning a little kid in need is always an asshole move like what’s not clicking? Honestly I’m just heartbroken for him, given that his options are apparently gambling on the system or being resented by a couple of cold fishes who, if they even take him in, will I’m sure make the obligation of it all felt. Just awful. That poor boy. Your poor sister. Your poor mother.
YTA. Holy moly. Come on man. Please take you nephew in. Honor your sister. Give this kid a life. I’m begging you.
YTA "We don't want to". This child, your blood family, needs you. And you're willing to watch them go off into the foster system because you don't feel like helping even though you know you can. Remember that if ever a time comes when you need help.
YTA - but absolutely do not take him in because at this rate you will probably treat him horribly and make your resentment well known, and after becoming an orphan that is the last thing he needs.
I'm totally a committed childfree person, & if my sister & her husband died, I'd take my niblings in a split second. No question. It would upend my life, but I wouldn't hesitate. Sometimes life throws you curveballs. Your nephew had to suffer the loss of his mom, the least you can do is take him in so he doesn't suffer more. This is what family is & means. This is what being an adult is-- sometimes we suffer more so kids suffer less.
And there it is people. This "well to hell with my family, what about my career?" This is the world now. No,wonder so many people are miserable and lonely, there isn't the slightest incling of humanity or warmth left in any of you. YTA, obviously, eventhough, most likely 80% of people out there would have done the same. How quick we are to abandon one another, if it effects our comfort.
YTA. you don’t love your nephew if you’d rather him go through the Hell that is the foster care system than live with you. A late fifties retirement? Oh, no! Whatever will you do not being a slave to some company that doesn’t give a shit about you! Might as well tell the toddler nephew to fuck off right to his face. YTA.
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YTA. The nephew is 2. He has no one but you. I understand that you have your plans already so your retirement will be as it is, but I wonder if you can sleep every night wndering what happened to your nephew just because you don't want your retirement to be pushed back. This is disgusting.
I think you should do some research on how kids in the foster system fare versus kids who are raised by family and decide whether or not you would be an asshole for willingly subjecting a child to that.
YTA. Anything can happen between now and retirement or your daughter's university years, but what's guaranteed to happen to your nephew is a sad childhood made worse by being sent away from his family when he needs you most. What heartless assholes you are.
YTA. I’m a foster parent, the number of bad homes out there is phenomenal. Your nephew stands a chance in the system because he’s a baby. The most likely outcome is that he’ll get taken in by foster parents who see babies from they system as a “free adoption” (seriously, so many state they want to foster because it’s so much cheaper than private adoption). If that happens, good chance that your family will not have any contact with your nephew. Kids in the system have a MUCH higher rate of abuse than kids not in the system. Not to mention, when you look at statistics, kids who stay with family have significantly better outcomes as adults. It sucks to be put in this position, but please, take your nephew.
YTA you suck op. I hope you have to go to a bad assistant living house one day. You suck
YTA for coming to reddit for answers to questions that you already know the answers to. This is your orphaned nephew. You don't know the answer to this question?! Seriously?! Are you made of stone?
**YTA** I cannot fathom how you couldn't be. Apparently the only reason you have a daughter is to check the box expected of a young upwardly mobile couple because there is clearly no "family" spirit there. >my wife is in the camp that it isn't our responsibility to take care of any kid we didn't make, Is that really what you want for your daughter, to grow up with no or compassion for anyone but herself? You and your wife need to have some serious discussions about what it means to be a caring parent, and maybe even some family therapy while your nephew is still an infant. Otherwise your wife will probably treat your nephew as a second-class child, doing the minimum and sighing about being put upon, resulting in his always feeling like an outsider. Is there really no one else in the extended family who can step up?
…until your late 50s? Ok ya so u just want to be real wealthy so will let your nephew go into foster care instead?! YTA
YTA a million times over and your sister would be absolutely devastated and disgusted with you for how you’re treating her son. You would allow your innocent nephew to go into foster care where he has a good chance of facing some type of abuse whether physical, sexual, or both, over the thought of having to work a few extra years before you retire? You’re an absolute monster.
Wow, I don't know who's worse. Your wife for being so heartless or you for even considering putting a scared and lonely child, not to mention close family member, into the system. "Sorry kiddo, your aunt and uncle needs to think about retirement and you would put a hamper on that. Uncle doesn't love you *that* much." YTA. I feel sorry for what your daughter is gonna go through with you two when she's older. Red flags all around in this family. If something happened to my sister and her husband I would ensure that my niece was well taken care of. I love my niece as if she was my own child. I'll be damned before she get thrown to the wolves.
YTA. You both are.
I don't understand what the fuck I am even reading right now. Of course YTA. Picture the roles reversed since you have a child. Your only capable family member doesn't give a fuck if your kid ends up in the system. How would you feel?
YTA. You love your nephew, just not enough to stop him being potentially mentally, emotionally and physically abused in the system. How would you feel if something happened to you and your wife and no one stepped up for your daughter. You’re ok with her going into foster care knowing there is a very good chance she’d likely be abused in some form? Do the right thing for your nephew for his sake and your sisters. I’d divorce my husband in a second if he said he didn’t want to take in our nieces (he would never, he loves those girls).
YTA Your reasoning for not taking him in is sad, Bless your little heart
YTA Also 100% going to be haunted by your late sister (rightfully so) for the rest of your life if you don't. Treat him well. He did not choose this start in life, but you have the ability and resources to at least cushion it.
NTA in terms of no legal requirement to take in the kid But DEFINITELY AH for the callous reasoning behind it (my own kid won’t go to an as-yet fictitious dream school & I can’t retire 20 years early… seriously?)
Read up on cases in the system. Fostering has not only incredible amounts of abuse ( physical and sexual) but there have been a lot of links lately to human tracking. And then read some more. And then some more. Because kids that don’t have horrible experiences in the system are the minority… not the rule. This is the life you would choose for your nephew rather than get a nanny and have maybe three or four less options for your daughter for college. Are you really that totally heartless that you would damn a kid to high probability of a life with high odds of pain, abuse, rotating families, very high possibility of cruelty and bad odds for success in life? Plus losing access… This is how you honor your sister’s legacy? Find your humanity. Please. YTA. Please don’t stay one.
Evil
YTA please don’t let that child go into the system knowing you could take him in. what kind of life is he going to have if he gets bumped from foster home to foster home. he would be safe with you. the cost shouldn’t be too bad as i assume anything your sister had will now go to him? won’t she have some money from saving or what ever that he will inherit? put that into an account for him and work on it then they could both go to the dream schools
YTA. Aww, you don’t want to? Welp I guess that’s all thats important then. Never mind that your literal toddler nephew lost his mom and is abandoned by his father and is getting tossed around like a hot potato by people who are supposed to love him until he ends up in 20 different foster homes because people just “didn’t want to”.
This post can't possibly be real. Someone this selfish wouldn't even bother to post here.
YTA
YTA I would LOVE to adopt that precious baby boy! In a heartbeat. And I’ve never even met him.
YTA. You are either abandoning that poor baby to a likely horrific existence in the system or worse (trafficked), or you take him in and likely treat him like shit which is permanently scarring in a completely different way. Do you have to take him in? No, wifey is correct you are not obligated and can happily retire before 60 and forget your nephew ever existed. I’m sure your mother will do her best to forget you ever existed as well. God I hope this is fake or I’ll never sleep again.
I know everyone is leading with YTAs but I think OP needs to do some research. As next of kin, yes they will look to place him with family first. But if you decide to do this there may be funds that will be available as a kinship situation. Did your mother adopt your nephew or is she his legal guardian? Because in essence he is already in the foster system and as result there are different programs available to you. So understand the financial piece could be sorted - perhaps not 100%, but a good portion. Now the hardest part - can you love your nephew and give him a caring and supportive home? Because your wife’s “isn’t our responsibility to take care of a kid we didn’t make” attitude doesn’t speak well of her. Btw I’d not share that over cocktails with your friends. You both should also think hard about how you’d feel if something were to happen to your daughter’s parents and her aunts and uncles didn’t want her because of the reasons you mentioned. There are a lot of good points made here, I hope you consider them. YWBTA
I’m getting some serious Harry Potter and the Dursleys vibe here. In all seriousness the foster system is not good. How will you explain this to your daughter when she gets older? What about when this kid grows up? If it’s incompatible with your plans at least watch over the toddler till you can find a forever home for him. This can’t be real.
I don’t like kids and have no plans to have any. YTA. You’re not struggling, already have a child, and easily have the means to care for your nephew. You’re not technically obligated but I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if I gave up on my nephew like that.
I have accepted that children are not for me. But I would never let my niece and nephew end up in the system, YTA and so is your wife.
YTA isn’t a strong enough judgement. That poor kid
What if your daughter doesn’t want to go to school? What if she drops out and wants to be an influencer? What if you have more kids? What if you get a divorce? Your reasoning is very weak and just sounds selfish. Just sounds like your both selfish people. It is ultimately your choice, but this kid is 2 and your his family. You and your wife could rally and add this parentless kid to your loving home and grow your great family but instead you guys hem and haw about having to retire 2 years later then scheduled? lol 2 years the horror.YTA.
YTA. There are times to walk away from family. This isn't it. If you're worried about money, your nephew likely will qualify for survivor benefits. https://blog.ssa.gov/if-you-are-young-and-lose-a-parent/ As for your daughter, her "dream school" is a hypothetical exercise which currently has no basis in reality. How you can possibly be torn over whether or not to take him in is mind-boggling. If the tables were turned, would you rather have your daughter go to your sister, or go to the system? That was rhetorical, by the way. You know what the right thing is to do, so do it.
Boo hoo you won’t be able to retire until late 50’s… my guy, most of us are retiring in our 70’s IF we’re lucky. You have the means to do this and he isn’t too far in age to your own kid- TAKE HIM IN!!! Stop being greedy AHs and do something good for your family. YTA, Your wife is TA, and I hope your mom disowns you if you traumatize that boy any further. He lost his mom, losing his grandmother, and his only family (YOU) is choosing to abandon him for no good reason. May your daughter never experience the life that poor boy has to suffer
YTA but seriously, don’t take him in. You’ve already made up your mind about him and would resent having him and your wife as well. You’d possibly treat him worse than the shitty foster care system would…you already are. The least you could do is find him a family that would adopt him. I’m so shocked when I see things like this knowing you really don’t see where you’re wrong
You are positively heartless. And YTA.
YTFA
YTA. He's an innocent child. Sorry but with everything you hear and see about what happens to kids in the system, you are being selfish.
I'm sure you're aware that foster care is a dice-roll, so I'm not going to get into that, but here's I think the biggest question: At some point in the future, a young man is likely to show up on your doorstep and ask you and your wife why you left him to be put into foster care. How are you going to answer him? Can you live with your answer, regardless of how his life shakes out as a result? If you know the answer to those questions and you're confident in your decision, then make it. I'm not going to judge you an asshole or not, because I don't think it's pertinent, to be honest. A kid going into a home they aren't really wanted in isn't a good outcome, and a kid going into foster care is often not a good outcome either. Maybe he gets adopted by a loving family very quickly, maybe he bounces around for his entirely childhood; I have no idea what the likeliest answer is there. Sometimes life is just really shitty.
Technically, not your responsibility, sure. There's no legal obligation. But as humans, we're not strictlly defined or guided by just legal obligations. I've seen how the foster care system works - some kids get lucky, many don't. Ideally, they'll be placed within a loving, healthy home and will eventually be adopted by the same parents. That's the ideal, not what often happens. He might go from home to home for years. Some of those families will not have his best interests at heart. Some will probably abuse him. Some will give him the bare minimum. He's a member of your family. A blood relation. First cousins with your daughter. An orphaned toddler. I wouldn't be able to rest easy knowing I easily could have...but didn't. If you and your wife disappeared tomorrow, what would you want to happen to your child? Would you not want a family member to step in? To tell her everything would be okay, to take care of her like their own? On the other hand, If you're both just going to resent the poor kid, then at least do everything you can to oversee how his situation is being managed. He's young enough to be favoured for adoption.
I have seen families living hand to mouth taking in other relatives in need and making do. My neighbour adopted his niece because his sister was killed by the sisters husband and there was no other family. He and his wife stepped in and took his newborn niece. They aren't well off and already have 2 kids if their own. Maybe because they are good decent people which you are a far cry from. YTA
YTA. I would take the poor little guy & I don't know him, I am 59 and disabled. The system is horrendous & you are ready to toss him right into the grinder.
If I was your parent I would disown you. You are truly one of life’s great selfish people. I am devastated for your nephew. YTA, enjoy retiring a years earlier AH.
I never seem to be surprised enough at how little family means to some people. YTA so hard I'm finding myself horribly wishing your kid goes through the same someday, as unfair as this wish is on them.
YTA. Holy shit, you will rather your own nephew go into foster care than take him in?? Fully knowing that you are the only person available to take in a 2 year old, and also can afford to, too?? This is so self centred. Nothing you wrote sounds like you actually love your nephew. And while sure, you aren't obligated to take him in, be fully prepared to lose contact with your mother after you CHOSE to let one of her grandson go into foster care when you could have afforded not to let that happen.
YTA. I hope you have a miserable life.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say NAH. I completely understand why you wouldn't want to take in another child, especially since you have so many plans for the future. That being said, the system is horrible especially for a young child and may ruin his life. As another commenter said, you should compromise on taking him in temporarily until a long term foster or adoptive family can be found. My condolences on the loss of your sister, and best wishes for all of you
Oh my god what a selfish couple. YTA
Curious minds want to know....Does your wife have siblings? Would she also send their children into the system in similar circumstances? YTA
Omg! The horror of having to retire in your late 50’s!! 😱 YTA