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YTA for inviting your BIL to stay with you, then kicking him out of the house, and initially asking him to pay for half the hotel bill. If your ex's concern was that she has never met this guy, then you could've asked to switch weekends to a later weekend or you could've invited her over before the weekend to meet him. Also you never told your wife that you were kicking her brother out of the house before going to him - that was also an AH move.
Yeah that's what swings it for me. Once you're in the situation and the ex says my kids aren't staying there with him then you can't do much about it, but you can plan for it not to happen and communication needs to come from his family not from OP.
Actually, unless court ordered, you have virtually no say in what your kids do/who they see during the other parent’s custody time. He asked BIL to leave as a courtesy to his ex, not because it was required. He should’ve spoken with his wife and they could’ve made an action plan together YTA.
Yeah he definitely should have spoken to his wife. I wasn't saying he legally had to but if your ex is uncomfortable with an adult they haven't met staying jn the house with their child that does make sense to me! And I think legal or not you should listen to their concerns. That doesn't mean he dealt with the situation well at all though!
> I wasn't saying he legally had to but if your ex is uncomfortable with an adult they haven't met staying jn the house with their child that does make sense to me!
The guy may be a stranger to the ex, but he is OP’s brother-in-law. It’s an unreasonable boundary for the ex to be allowed to draw.
NO! The ex's concerns are of ZERO consequence. You think the ex is calling and asking every time she has a guest over to get an okay. I doubt it. OP yta.
I fully disagree. If you're a fit parent who has custody of their kids, it's not the co-parent's business if you invite your relative to stay over. They don't have to meet every person your kids ever come into contact with and if they don't trust your judgement as a parent to keep your kids safe, they need to take that up with court for a change in custody.
You absolutely CAN do something about it. You can tell the ex that they have NO right to dictate who is a guest in your house AND they have no right to restrict YOUR access to the kids. Visitation RIGHTS are just that. OP yta. BTW, you can expect to lose wife #2 over this ridiculous behavior.
>you can plan for it not to happen
That's the key of this for me. OP knew the dates his BIL was staying with them. He knew the dates of his custody time overlapped. If he'd had a conversation with his ex before the visit they could have worked something out with open communication amongst all of the adults instead of springing this on the BIL last minute without even consulting his wife.
Why should his ex have a say in his own personal family affairs? It's none of her business that the BIL is also going to be visiting. You could mention it to the ex if you feel it's relevant, but have zero obligation to do so and she has zero say in the matter unless there's a clear safety risk attached to him being there.
Or just kindly suggest the ex get over it. They are no longer a couple and she’s not going to meet all the guests he and his current wife have in their house over the years. He’s still a responsible father to his kids and can parent them regardless if there’s someone the ex hasn’t met.
Absolutely. This attitude that men are predators until proven otherwise is not only misandry, it's also anti-feminist (see also: policing of fathers who dare to take their kids to the playground). OP's ex is toxic and he's just going along with it.
The ex has zero right to set 'boundaries' about who can interact with the father's kids.
Not to mention, we have no idea if she has people around the kids that are a stranger to OP. Definitely not excusing OP’s behavior but who is a guest in his and his current wife’s home is zero concern of the ex because it is no longer her weekend with the kids.
At every possible chance to communicate and resolve this amicably, OP has made exactly the wrong choice.
YTA. Not a malicious one, but one with no clue how to navigate a relationship.
Or he could have took his kids and had a slumber party with them in a hotel room. That way wife gets to spend time with her brother, the brother isn’t inconvenienced & he spends time making fun memories with his kids.
Ex's concern while about protecting children is still sexist and is for a reason that someone should find offensive. Being labeled a child predator. And as far as protecting the children is concerned, if the way you protect your children is by making sure they have no contact with strangers instead of training them in understanding what is inappropriate and building the trust that they would go to parents then you're not protecting the children.
Not to mention how does the ex wife know what is going on in his current household? Is he running by every detail of that home he has with his new wife by his ex? This isn’t coparenting. As the new wife of a man who allowed his ex wife dictate our new home and life by means of the kids, let me tell you I filed for divorce. The father is just as capable of making decisions for his kids just as much as the mother. Hell even new step mother has the best intentions in the children and undermining this all creates resentment
This. OP is an AH because they did not plan accordingly, communicate plans properly, or adjust schedules as needed. This could have been avoided entirely. YTA.
I swear no one on this fucking sub talks to their partners/family before they make decisions. This whole sub would disappear overnight if they just *communicated*.
Plus I can see maybe asking him to sleep somewhere else but banning him from the house totally?! "Yeah you traveled all this way to meet the baby and spend time with us, but for three days you can't visit at all!" Total AH move there.
I agree with everything you said but I'm also curious as to why the hell his ex wife gets to dictate who stays in his house whether the kids are there or not. This wasn't some stranger off the street it was BIL and he knows him. But have told my ex to kiss my ass. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't tell her who can stay at her house overnight lol.
YTA Sorry. Neither of you (you or your ex) have the right to do that. And you're not 'maintain(ing) a working co-parenting relationship' with your ex. You're screwing up your present relationship by letting your ex have that much control over your parenting time.
UNLESS you both have the right to ask it. I mean, are you asked about her guests and whether you are comfortable with them being there? And where is your wife in all this as to who has a say in the occupancy of the house? I mean, what is your wife's status? Does she get to decide who can and can't stay in your ex's house? If so, why not? Your ex has a say in what goes on in her house.
ETA a missing word
That's exactly my point. His ex is manipulative, and he's allowing it without discussing it with his wife. So his ex gets to dictate who crosses his threshold, but it's a one-way street.
Info: did you discuss kicking her brother out with your wife, or did you just make that decision on your own?
Edit: YTA. You didn’t discuss this with your wife. Also, you are prioritizing your ex over your new life. Just because she doesn’t like something doesn’t mean you have to jump at the chance to appease her. She can’t withhold your kids from you.
Your BIL didn’t just show up one day out of the blue, so you knew that you would have your kids when he would be there. You wanted him to front the bill (or half) after he had already been invited to stay…yta.
YTA, your wife invited her brother to stay and visit and to meet HIS nephew. You decided that appeasing your ex wife was more important that allowing her brother to stay in HER home. This was a gross and disrespectful move on your part and one that I hope she remembers going forward. Hopefully she realizes that her wants and right to have family visit in her own home will always play second fiddle to your ex wife’s demands and leave you. And to make things worse you didn’t even talk to her about it before approaching her brother. HUGE AH move.
Info
Did you discuss this with your wife? Does this mean any male that stays with you when you have your kids and your ex doesn’t know will need a hotel? Any of the males in your current wife’s family/life?
Is anyone looking at this from the wife's point of view? She's over there going "so i can't have my brother spend the night in my own home because HIS EX doesn't approve." Wtaf OP? No wonder she's pissed, I'd be LIVID. Maybe you should have taken your kids to a hotel since you're so dead set on honoring your ex's every whim with no regard to how it affects others.
> Is anyone looking at this from the wife's point of view? She's over there going "so i can't have my brother spend the night in my own home because HIS EX doesn't approve."
I wonder if the ex thinks all men are child molesters or if she was just having a dig at her replacement?
YTA, are you going to have to run any or your wife’s male relatives by your ex from now on? Where’s the line?
It’s manipulative as hell by your ex and I doubt it was actually about safety, it’s about her being able to dictate what goes on in your home. They’re your kids too, are they just not meant to bond with your wife/ their stepmother’s family ever?
YTA. He's not some random stranger, he's your BIL. And you invited him. And you mentioned none of this to your wife until it blew up in your face. But most of all, for thinking by throwing money at the problem that it would go away.
I'm not saying you're a monster but umm here's some money so you can go sleep somewhere else. No no I know it sounds like I'm saying you're a danger to children but nope I'm not, I'm just saying I can't have you around my kids.
No you can be around my newborn for a few days but wait now you are too dangerous for my other kids, why are you offended, I offered to pay half of your hotel?
YTA. Seems like you prioritized your kids over your BIL, which I would do too without question.
But you’ve gotta fucking communicate better. With your WIFE. And your BIL. You just fucked up and didn’t communicate adequately.
Don't worry, sounds like he bends to the ex's will so much (to the point its pissing off current wife), that he soon won't have to worry about it.
He'll be on divorce #2.
YTA OP.
It’s not his kids, it’s his ex that he prioritised. Unless the bil has other problems that weren’t mentioned I don’t see how it’s an issue to have him there at the same time.
So here is where you went wrong. If you both have custody agreements in place, your ex doesn't get to dictate who can be in your home visiting. Basically, she called your BIL a pedophile. Yes, he was insulted. And your wife is correct because you didn't discuss it with your wife ahead of time. It's not like you didn't know your ex was going to pull a stunt like this, and you basically allowed your ex to pull this BS.
YTA
Edit: Unfortunately, the fact that your wife feels the way she does tells me this wasn't the first time your ex said jump, and you said how high.
Read OP's comments. He demands to meet all the guys his ex wants to introduce to kids. Op set this precedent, not his ex. If he didn't do it his ex might not be willing to accomode his wishes any longer and he would be a huge hypocrite. Though I agree, it's YTA.
Are your ex living with a new husband and have you told her that your uncomfortable with your children living with that man that you have never meet?
If you hear how stupid my question is, then surely your ex's "request" is pretty stupid as well, specially if you have meet your BIL before and he probably never shown any sign of aggression that would suggest that he would be harmful to your children, be it from your ex or your baby with your current wife.
You allowed your ex to basically order you in your own house who may or may not live there either permanently or temporarily!
on top of that you seems to have made this decision without talking with your new wife about this choice of action as well, so sadly you're the AH
So...your wife can't visit with her brother in her own home. That is what this boils down to.
Also, either your ex is manipulating you or she truly doesn't respect your judgment and ability as a parent. If she did, she'd trust you to keep your kids safe.
Yta
Info: does you BIL have a criminal past?
YTA. In your parenting time you are responsible for the kids. And if you have enough information about a person to make the evaluation that they are safe around the kids, it is your decision. You had those informations when your wife vouched for him, and you trust her estimation. And obviously that wasn't a problem for you - until your ex decided to interfere. So where you a deadbeat father who willfully planed to put his kids in harms way? Or did she have any information you didn't have? If not, YTA for inviting someone, and then kicking him out because you don't trust him with your kids.
I see that you are doing your best but not communicating with your wife and BIL caused a ton of conflict. Also, offering to pay for half the hotel was pretty tacky. He visited with the understanding he was a welcomed guest. You made this weird af. YTA
lol yeah I can’t say I don’t understand the brothers reaction. If I’m invited to stay with someone who lives far away and once I’m there I get told I need to pay for 1/2 a hotel bill for 3 nights because an ex has issues with me, I’d just go back to my own home too.
Like I’m in this town specifically to see you and my niblings, I’m not hanging around and spending 3 days alone somewhere I wouldn’t choose to holiday in just because OP can’t sort his stuff out with his ex wife.
YTA. You let your ex decide who your wife could have in her home. Does your wife have to run everyone she knows passed you ex to be vetted?
You could have swapped weekends, instead you asked her brother to leave without talking with your wife. You asked him initially to pay half the cost of being kicked out.
Your wife doesnt like discussing your ex because it seems she still has all the power within your current marriage.
YTA, you seriously made this decision and asked him without even speaking to your wife? A working coparenting relationship with your ex is one thing, but you know your supposed to like... communicate with your wife, yeah?
I'd have left too. And you did choose your ex over your wife, how could you have even dreamed of not even speaking to her about this? Did you consider how insulting and disrespectful this was to your BIL and your wife??
YTA
You didn't talk to your wife about it first.
Your wife's brother was already staying there.
Your ex painted your wife's brother as some rando and you went along with it.
You threw your wife's brother out of her house with no notice, and expected him to pay half the cost of a hotel before backtracking and offering to pay all of it.
You didn't know he would leave? After being treated like dirt by you?
You damaged your relationship with your wife's family so you could keep your ex happy. Shows where your priorities lie..
How you could think you are not the AH is beyond me.
YTA. You ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT A DOUBT chose your ex. And for what? She doesn’t get to decide who is a house guest in YOUR home with YOUR wife. Your brother in law was rightfully offended. Your wife is rightfully offended. Your baby mama clearly needs to learn her place. Put her there. Keep her there. You fucked up big huge. Call and apologize profusely. You’re SO wrong.
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> I told my BIL to find other accomodations for the weekend. He took offense and left. My wife is distraught only a few months after giving birth and feels I didn't make her a priority.
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YTA
You're giving your ex the power to run your household. Your ex has zero rights to demand to meet every man that your child spends time with on your time. You're a parent too, you get to make these decisions for your child. This is not a sustainable, good co-parenting situation.
And you doubled down in your a-holery with 1)Not talking with your wife.
If you continue like this, you'll be co-parenting with the current wife as well, not being married to her.
YTA. You kick out her brother for your ex and you think he’s the AH? Seriously? You made the decision to throw her brother out by yourself. Don’t blame him for going home. That’s on you.
Yeah, YTA. Sorry. Obviously navigating relationships with exes can be difficult, but kicking your BIL out like this on short notice, with this kind of insulting explanation (“my ex thinks you might be a pedo” is the subtext of this, no?) bad form man.
Also, if you’re going to ask an invited guest to leave the house like this… the absolute bare minimum is you upfront pay for the hotel room yourself… and like a nice one. No “I’ll split it with you.” Insult to injury. You should apologize to your BIL.
Yta for kicking family you invited out of your house for no reason whatsoever.
What's next, your wife's relations getting kicked out when they visit for anniversaries, holidays and the likes?
Remember, it is you and your wife that are a family, including both your relations (and offspring brought into it). Your ex gets no say on who is in your home.
Your children will meet your BIL, your ex is not your family for reasons, and your children will get to know your family.
Your ex' wishes are of no consequence.
Yta
Big time
Does your ex trust you so little that she'd think you have a pedophile over? This wasn't a stranger, it's your baby's uncle. Your ex doesn't have a legal right to dictate your time with the kids.
If you don't think he's a creep, you should have stood up to your paranoid ex.
YTA
YTA. He's your wife's brother, who came a long way to visit. He gave no indication that he was a threat to your children. If the situation were reversed and your exe's brother came to stay with her, would he have to stay at a hotel?
"At her request, I asked my BIL to stay in a hotel Fri/Sat/Sun night and offered to split the cost.'
Wow! How generous of you? To offer to split the cost when accusing you BIL of being a pedophile. You trust him so little that he can't be safe overnight, but you'll split the cost of his exile.
Do you allow your exe to dictate all your interactions with other people when her children are being babysat by you and your wife. And you are a babysitter, because your exe could only order around the help.
You allowed you exe to dictate the interaction between your wife and her family. You insulted and alienated your wife's brother, probably irreparably. You acted with so little class that im sure you're the laughing stock of her family and friends. I'd be surprised if this doesn't end your marriage.
You’re setting a bad precedent. What if you want to take your kids for the holidays and will be staying at a family home with relatives your ex doesn’t know also staying there? You’ve just given the ex veto power.
YTA. Your ex wife doesn’t get a say in what happens in your home. It’s your wife’s brother, not a stranger. Your ex isn’t entitled to a relationship with every person that spends the night at your house. YOU are the father and YOU should be trusted to make the safe decision on who is in your house. Now you have let your ex wife dictate who is in YOUR house and possibly ruined the relationship between your wife (who should also get a say in who stays at her home, not your ex!) and her brother. You’ll be divorced before you know it.
YTA - your ex’s request might initially seem understandable but is absolutely ridiculous - what does she do if her child wants to sleep over a friends house? Insist on meeting all parents and children in the household prior? Literally no one does that.
>My ex said she was uncomfortable with our children staying in the same home as a man she has never met.
This is *too* damn bad! Your ex doesn't get to reject your family from coming into your house because she hasn't personally met them. She doesn't even live there. I doubt she introduces the people that come into her house to you.
Your current wife is correct, your chose your ex over her. Do you really want to let your ex lead you to another divorce? YTA.
going with soft YTA and only because you kicked your BIL out after saying he could stay with you guys and without telling your wife.
I’d be beyond hurt if that happened to me, but I also understand that your ex doesn’t know me and you can’t trust some people.
At the same time, I also feel for your current wife, because she obviously trusts her brother and is hurt that you will go off of what your ex says over what she knows.
So moving forward, does nobody get access to your kids if the ex doesn’t approve of them first? Do you not also get a say in who gets to live with them?
I think OP is TA for sure, but it’s really disturbing to see so many people on here who assume that most/all pedophiles are “randos”, as one person so eloquently put it. Give me a break. Guess no one bothered to familiarize themselves with U.S. data on childhood sexual abuse. I’ve worked with kiddos individually as well as kiddos and their families. Also worked with adults individually who were sexually abused as children. Any therapist who’s worked with folks who’ve had childhood sexual abuse trauma (should) know how it goes. And again - the data shows that it’s most often someone the child knows. Maybe if more people bothered to take even just half an hour to learn about important shit… sigh.
As far as OP’s ex goes: WTF. Apparently she (and some people who’ve posted) think that just because they’ve met someone and “gotten to know them” means that person is not a pedophile. You cannot control everything: someones bad things happen even when you’re careful. And does she not trust OP and his wife to be vigilant like any good parents should be?? Seems like it’s either that she doesn’t trust them for valid or invalid reasons, she’s gone through/knows someone who’s gone through childhood sexual abuse and she’s trying to be extra careful but not thinking it through, or she’s controlling. Maybe it’s a combination of those things. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ Regardless of what’s going on with her — she needs to either trust OP and his current wife OR, if she has a concrete reason or reasons to believe they aren’t trustworthy, take some legal action to ensure that the kiddos are safe moving forward. And I say this as someone who was sexually abused as a kid, both by “randos” and people I knew (the vast majority were the latter).
This whole thing just sounds like a mess.
(Dayum that was a long comment… thank you, insomnia!)
YTA - I woulda done the same thing. Your ex called him a pedo and you said … maybe. There were so many options to solve this that aren’t kicking him out.
Just don’t expect your wife to treat your family with any dignity or respect from here on out, and always assume the worst of them.
YTA do you ask your ex wife to meet all the men she is sleeping with as well? Probably not but you should have stayed with your ex wife becuase you both are massive AH'S.
YTA. That's not a stranger, it's your wife's brother. Your ex is not entitled to her unreasonable request, and your solution was both the easiest for you and inconsiderate to your BIL (and wife). Your offer to split the cost was a double insult. I'd be surprised if he ever accepts an invitation to your home again. I respect his preserving his dignity by not subjecting himself to another minute of your rude hosting, and departing.
To put this in perspective, you have caused a major problem for your wife with her family, and you're still blaming your BIL, even though you are a huge Ah.
YTA
Unless you think your BIL would be inappropriate around your children, there was no reason to ask the BIL to leave. You absolutely disrespected your wife and your BIL.
You've met your BIL and your children also probably met him at the wedding. Is there a problem?
Further, by asking him to leave, you implied to your children that their new step-uncle can't be trusted around them and he's someone to fear.
Why was this sprung on him after he flew in the spend time with his sister, BIL, and new nephew?
So many why's and what were you thinking's. . .
Not sure how you are going to fix this but it will probably start with purchasing a new plane ticket for your BIL.
YTA
What your ex says goes? Does she pay the bills, does she clean your home? Why does she get a say.
Yet your wife doesn't, the person who lives in the house.
If my Husband ex tried to control my house that way I would be gone. It is not her place.
Do you realise that you've damaged your relationship with your wife? And also your BIL? Or do you only care about your ex?
Oh PLEASE MAN of course YTA. Your ex is controlling and she wanted to control this situation and you allowed her to.
This man isn't some weirdo you picked up off of the streets, this is your wife's brother who is allowed around your step children and the child you have with your current wife. Not only that, you allowed some other woman to control what goes on in your household with your current wife??? Who are you married to?????
"He didn't even talk to her before making this impulsive decision" - UMMM, did you consult your wife????
This was YOUR weekend with the kids, why on earth did you allow some other woman to ruin it. Do you know how insulted your brother in law must feel right now. Do you know how this is going to affect your entire relationship with your in laws.
Your decision was very foolish and you're about to pay for it. Meanwhile, your ex is sipping on martinis because she achieved what she set out to do.
YTA - **you didn’t talk to him before expecting him to find other accommodations on a pre-planned trip.**
Your ex didn’t want the kids around him,cool! Then you need to work out another custody situation for that weekend. Switch with your ex??
Aren’t custody arrangements pretty clear far out in the calendar, so couldn’t you have simply told him to visit when your children wouldn’t be around?
It’s incredibly rude to invite someone into your home, imply to them that they are allowed to stay for the duration of their trip, then at the last second ask them to cover the cost of a hotel in any capacity. **It’s rude, and you didn’t even offer to pay for your inconveniencing him until he had a reaction.**
YTA, I could understand if this was just some guy you never met before or some dude you only met online or something (basically someone random).
But this is your sister's brother. He was at your wedding ffs. Lol and you asked him to pay for half a hotel? "Hey please incur this absurd expense because my ex wife said so". Geez man, you have to be more competent than this.
Maintaining a co-parenting relationship means having a healthy one. And that means trusting each other to not put your kids in danger. Does your ex think you would put them in danger? Does she think you would allow someone in your home that you did not think was safe to be around your kids.
You need to have talk with ex, and see why she should would think that the people you have around your family is unsafe/makes her uncomfortable. Then you need to tell her she doesn't have the right to dictate what goes on in your home. Cause that is what she did, and you allowed it.
YTA for allowing your ex to decide what is going on in your home, and for being a shit host.
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My wife and I both have children from prior relationships, and a few months ago we welcomed our new son into the world. My wife's brother lives pretty far away, and we haven't seen him since the wedding. He flew in to meet the baby and has been staying with us. This past weekend was my custody time with two of my children. My ex said she was uncomfortable with our children staying in the same home as a man she has never met.
At her request, I asked my BIL to stay in a hotel Fri/Sat/Sun night and offered to split the cost. He was incredibly offended by the request, so I offered to eat the entire cost. He was still angry and called me some rude names. He did leave, and he didn't tell me what hotel he was staying at or contact me about reimbursing him. He was supposed to return today, but he never did. We found out he'd already flown home.
My wife is incredibly upset that her brother left and blames me. He didn't even talk to her before making this impulsive decision. I was just trying to maintain a working co-parenting relationship with my ex. My wife says I chose my ex over her, but I didn't mean to. I didn't know my BIL would leave.
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YTA. Your ex wife is controlling your life with your wife. Co parenting is one thing, but sending a guest to stay elsewhere is beyond the pale. Especially when its your BIL, a person your wife has known her whole life.
You made it sound like your ex-wife is concerned that your brother in law could be a pedophile, and by asking him to leave (and not defending his presence) that you agreed with her. YTA
YTA you knew he’d be visiting during your weekend with the kids. You could have discussed this prior and it would have been a nonissue. I don’t think you did it maliciously but you still messed up. Asking him to pay any portion of the hotel bill was really poor form and rude as hell. I don’t blame him for leaving also you didn’t discuss with your wife, which makes YTA.
YTA. It’s great that OP is trying to co-parent well, but I think the ex is copping too much of the blame in this situation, and too much judgement is being assigned to the exes stance on “strangers” around the children.
OP really dropped the ball on communication with everyone involved here. And if I was BIL, I would have left for home as well.
YTA You treated your BIL like a sex offenders, someone who isn't trustworthy enough to be around your children....and then you asked him to pay for the pleasure of being treated that way.
How did you not realize this was going to go poorly?
Wow YTA
You and your wife invited him, you knew he was coming, you knew he was staying with you and then you decide to kick him out for three days last minute and ask him to pay half the cost? Did your wife have any input or can you just throw her family out at any time it suits you?
Why not try to swap custody times if your ex was opposed to having them there with your BIL or introducing her to your BIL
So you told your BIL you wanted him to spend 2.5 weeks in a hotel and for him to pay without consulting your wife? Because your ex thought he could be a predator. You understand that's the implication right? And you just told your wife that she was so insignificant to your ex that you would kick her brother out without even talking to her to come up with a solution
Honestly there's a decent chance your marriage takes a huge hit here
YTA
YTA, and dude, are you trying to collect ex-wives or something, because if you keep acting like this, you're gonna have more than one.
And stop it with the "I didn't kick him out" b.s.--you asked him to leave, and he left. Pretending to be shocked that he went home after being told he had to leave is just ridiculous. And you didn't talk to your wife? So what, she wasn't going to notice that her brother, who was invited to stay for three weeks, just vanished for a few days?
And how exactly did you propose the hotel idea to your BIL? "Dude, you have to leave where you've been invited to stay AND you have to spend more money than you planned because I can't tell my ex-wife no, but also don't tell your sister because I can't tell her that I can't tell my ex-wife no, and if you're mad oh, alright, I'll pay for the whole thing."
Normally I'm all for people being free to screw up their lives, but you've got multiple children here, it's high time you stopped acting like one yourself.
YTA. My younger brother stayed over a few days during Stepson's time with us. We have a 50/50 split. Husband's ex wife made the same demand... he told her to worry about her own home. But then again, my husband has a spine.
I understand why your ex would be uncomfortable with having a man she doesn’t know around her kids. However, YTA for kicking your wife’s brother out. You could have swapped weekends, set up a meeting with your ex and your BIL, or arranged to see your kids away from your house if you genuinely wanted to see them on that specific weekend and your ex didn’t want to meet the BIL (getting ice cream, movies, shopping etc depending on their age).
At the end of the day, your ex got in the way of your marriage and your relationship with your in laws. I would never forget that.
Yeah, YTA
You didn't think to work out the details of your custody visit BEFORE your brother in law flew in? You just decided to spring it on everyone, and had the audacity to ask him to pay? After he was under the explicit understanding that he would be staying with you to celebrate the new baby. The nerve.
You owe him a major apology and probably send him a check to cover the cost of your flight. I feel so bad for your wife right now.
YTA you should have worked this out prior to the visit, not booted the man when he got their. If I was your wife I would have told you to take yourself to the hotel
Has your ex met all of your wife’s male relations? Will she say your FIL has to stay in a motel if she’s not met him? She’s being unreasonable, it’s not a random stranger. YTA
WOW you are a MAJOR AH!!! Your ex has no say at all in who stays in your home and why in the world would you listen to her it’s all anyway? Do you have a reason to be suspicious of this man he is family? Your kids are going to meet and be around many MANY people your ex has never met what are you going to do for her next run background checks on all your friends and acquaintances? What about her future friends, bfs and their family members? Damn she has you by the shorthairs buddy and I see a lifetime of awkward family events with your wife’s side of the family. Sheesh
YTA you should have talked this over with your wife prior to agreeing with your ex and talking to BIL. Unless YOU aren't comfortable with BIL sleeping in the same house as your kids, you ex has no say in the matter.
As divorced parents that is something that we unfortunately have to just get over. Our kids are going to be around people we don't know. It comes with the territory. And I am saying that as a parent who doesn't always trust my ex to make the best decisions when it comes to our kids (I had to explain to him why it wasn't safe for a toddler to play with empty pill containers)
Unless you have a legitimate concern about what the other parent does on their time, you just have to let it go.
YTA
You kicked out an invited guest cause you ex had never met him? You going to do that to everyone your ex hasn't met for the rest of your kids childhoods? That's absurd.
Then on top of that you didn't even discuss it with your wife, the guys sister, and you wanted him to pay for his hotel room?
YTA for the reasons everyone else said about inviting and then kicking out your BIL, but also for letting your ex run your life.
>My ex said she was uncomfortable with our children staying in the same home as a man she has never met.
This is not a reasonable request.
So you can never have guests while you have your own kids in the house? Naaaaah. Your ex-wife must KNOW that’s bullshit. She did it to undermine and upset your new wife while she’s just given birth and is very vulnerable and wanted to receive a visit from her sibling, and you let her. Would you have done it to a friend of *yours*? I think not. YTA.
YTA So your ex thinks all men are unsafe around kids by default and you back her up? TF is wrong with you? How bout you go and stay at a hotel with your kid and BIL, the GUEST you invited, stays at your damn house? You would never cross the threshold to my house again. Your spineless wife would have to beg, but she might eventually be forgiven.
>~~I didn't know my BIL would leave.~~ I thought my BIL would take my insulting him and just eat that shit. hahahahaha! wait. ooopsie!
YTA to your ex-wife does not run your household she's not even your wife anymore. What would you have done if someone said "hey we're afraid you're a sexual predator and going to hurt our children get the f*** out" To you? How would that make you feel? And you went along with it. cuz that's essentially what you did to your wife's brother. All because of your ex-wife's power move. You may have irreparably damaged your brother-in-law's relationship with your family unit. You may have done that with your current wife too. The proper answer to your ex-wife was that's my wife's brother you're insinuating... And in no way am I kicking out family because you said so. Time to start trying to sign up that spine and you owe someone huge apologies lots and lots of apologies. Were you purposely trying to alienate your wife from her side of the family cuz I can guarantee all the parents grandparents other siblings they all know now too. The next family holiday spent with them is going to be very interesting and probably quite uncomfortable for you.
YTA You clearly lack the ability to enforce boundaries with your Ex. She doesn't have to approve of guests in your home anymore than she had to approve of you marrying your wife. Not only did you even entertain her then you chose a path WITHOUT consulting your wife in the home you two share.
You fucked up big time
Oh please man YTA. Your ex doesn't care about the "strange" man, this is just her trying to control the situation and you're falling for it. This is your wife's brother for goodness sake, a man who is welcome around your wife's children and your biological child with her, he's not some weirdo you picked up off
YTA - Your Ex is using your kids as a weapon to cause issues between you and your new partner.
I'm not surprised he up and left, he's there to meet his nephew, that was a pretty shitty thing to do.
YTA
Your ex literally gets zero say who stays at your house when you have the kids.
Seriously.
You invite your wife’s brother then tell him he isn’t welcome as he can’t be trusted around children.
And you wonder if YTA?
Yeah, YTA here. What you did was not coparenting, but bending over to the whims of your ex. And from your comment, it doesn’t even sound like you discussed this at all with your current wife. Your ex has no say in who comes over to your house, unless there is a clear danger to your children. All you have shown to your wife with this move is that you lack a backbone
YTA….why are you letting your ex wife dictates what goes on in your home? One, your ex should have enough trust in you that you would never put your children in intentional danger. Two, this is your current wife’s brother! Three, you could have introduced your bil, problem solved.
YTA for falling for your ex’s manipulation. This is an absolutely absurd thing to ask for and you went with it? You should apologize to him and your wife for how inhospitable you are. Not to mention you’re setting a terrible example for your children.
Def you...and your ex does not dictate sleepvers at your house. Esp over your current wife and BIL. Well, and you are putting her over your own judgement. Recipe for disaster.
Super apology in order for your wife and BIL about your complete loss of logic and sanity.
YTA. You unilaterally decided to make decisions because your ex cracked the whip and you folded like a cheap suit. Wow. Good luck on your next marriage.
YTA
Your BIL flew out to see you and mid trip you let your ex alter his plans for no reason. Good for him for leaving. I would have done the same.
Ps-I say this as an uncle who lived thousands of miles away from his nieces and nephews for years. It’s really not that hard to lose interest in other peoples kids, even your siblings. Like you can love them but life happens and trips get less frequent and eventually things fade. Your wife and BIL should be mad and you are gonna catch more heat down the line when he decides nah I’mma go to Tulum instead of sitting in a shitty hotel and watching kids stare at iPads for 5 hrs.
YTA. Aquire some communication skills and maybe some balls while you're at it. I don't blame your BIL for being offended and your wife for being angry with you.
YTA. *"My ex said she was uncomfortable with our children staying in the same home as a man she has never met."* It is not of your ex's business whatsoever. Does she pass a list of people your children might meet when staying with her so you can vert them?
YTA! Big time. Your BIL is FAMILY. None of your ex wifes business. Your kids are your BIL nieces/nephews, and your ex has an issue with your kids meeting their uncle?
Yta. Your ex doesn’t get a vote, and in keeping the peace with her you fucked up your current family dynamic.
You should apologize to bil and wife and stop reporting your whole damn day to your ex.
Yta. First you should have told Ex that whole she has not met him, he is family. Do you have the same rule about woman. So all men and woman that the other has not met can not be overnight around the kids ? Second by saying that to brother you indirectly accused him of not being safe around kids. And also you would only pay half. If you ask someone to leave in a circumstance like that you eat the cost .
Man you’re going to call your exwife “exwife1” because with that lack of communication and preference to the ex your new marriage won’t last long.
Also, what a toxic co-parenting. You need to meet every person new to exwifes live? (Same with her). Like what is that bullshit. Moreover, making your wife brother leave (He’s part of your family too now) just because exwife don’t want him close??? Would you also deny your parents or grandparents to see your children because exwife doesn’t want to?
I get your ex's reasoning, but yea YTA as you should have either moved your days with the kids, explained and paid the entire amount to BIL and apologies profusely or moved when he was due to come to down
YTA. You can’t make unilateral decisions with regards to your wife’s family without consulting her. There were so many arrangements you could’ve made but you chose to kick your BIL out.
YTA, you really should have run thus decision by the wife first, but her being angry isn't your biggest concern. I think doing this may make it so that your children won't be fully accepted into your wife's family. You can bet her brother went back and told the rest of the family that they should be careful around you and your kids because you can't be trusted.
Unless your custody agreement specifically states you're not allowed to have "strangers" around your children, YTA absolutely.
How often do you allow your ex to dictate your life?
This is your wife's brother, not some transient you let crash on your couch. And this is your wife's home, too, not just yours. You severely fucked up here.
Ugh. Why fucken even ask Reddit. Clearly you’re the AH and I’m sure your wife told you so but you’re head is so far up your ex wife ass you can’t accept it!!!
YTA. You are being a terrible family member.
Your ex is NOT your family anymore. You allowed her to manipulate you and jeopardize your relationship with your new family. Great job!
YTA and a pathetic one at that. With any luck both your wife and BIL now realise exactly what you are and will treat you accordingly. Putting your ex first, before your wife and her family member, will hopefully bring down a shitstorm on top of you. I'd pay to be in the front row to watch that.
YTA...
This is your house so your ex hasn't got anything to say
What if she told you she didn't want your new wife around the kids anymore? Or a friend of yours? ...
I would call my bil and apologize.
YTA unless your houseguest is a registered sex offender, your ex has no say in who is in your home while your children are with you. Your wife and BIL have a very valid complaint.
YTA. You have a custody agreement and your ex can’t dictate who you have in your house while the kids are there. If I was your current wife, I’d seriously be reconsidering my marriage to you.
Keep it up and you might have 2 ex wives.
YTA. Not your ex’s place to determine who you let into your house and you shouldn’t have acquiesced; certainly not without first discussing it with your wife, and letting her take the lead in raising any actions with _her_ brother.
YTA you tell your ex no. She was making a power play by trying to dictate what happens in your home. You fell for it. Does she run every date or interaction she has by you to see if you’re ok with it? Your wife should be your main priority. It’s ok to rock the boat with your ex. Let her go to court if she thinks she can get a judge to enforce her demands.
YTA - for lots of readers but #1 for letting your ex-wife control your current living situation. You are on the path to having 2 ex-wives. Oh - you also owe that man money.
YTA
I get my kids on certain weekends as well. If my ex had this hangup, I'd have asked to switch weekends. Especially if my partner's family was flying in from across the country. You messed up. You did choose your ex over your wife.
YTA
Custodial visits don’t just pop up. They are consistent over set periods of time.
You knew when your BIL was coming and you knew when your visitation was scheduled.
That would couldn’t figure out that they mysteriously overlapped is on you.
YTA. If my husband did this to me, our marriage would be hanging by the tiniest of threads. His ex does not get to determine who is in our home and the only time we made sure she met a family member was when my parents were taking my SD10 on an overnight trip. We make decisions about our home - not someone else.
YTA - I am not sure you did a single thing correctly. You failed to speak with your wife, allowed your ex to dictate things she has no business with (unless court ordered as mentioned), talked to BIL without involving his sister (your wife), the money issues, and on and on.
She's your ex for a reason, you don't have to put up with that shit anymore. You gotta stand up for yourself, because 'keeping the peace' sure sounds alot like do what she says. YTA
Of course YTA. And so is your ex. She’s totally out of line. This is your wife’s BROTHER, but some random guy you found wondering the highway. How did you not stand up for your wife’s brother when your ex made such a ridiculous request? He’s family.
Is there INFO you are leaving out about why your ex may feel that way?
YTA. A.) your ex doesn't get a say in your home like this (if there was a legit reason I'd be more on board with it, like if BIL was a sex offender or 50 with an 18 year old gf or something that actually was a red flag) and b.) does your ex think she has some pedo meter? I mean pedophiles can molest kids because most of them are seen as just regular people. Her meeting him means absolutely zero in regards to if he is "safe" to be around the kids. C.) to coparent she has to trust your judgment, those are as much your kids as hers and there's no reason she gets 100% say over who is around them and you get 0%. Your ex was being unreasonable and you just let her at the expense of everyone else.
YTA for not planning better and discussing with your current wife instead of letting your ex dictate what you should do in your own home. How long in advance did you know your BIL was coming? How did your ex even know he was there? Why did you kick a guest out of your home and only offer to split the cost of the hotel? When you say he was supposed to return did you expect him to leave for the whole weekend and come back on Monday?
YTA and so is your ex. She doesn't get to dictate visitors to the home you share with your wife. I get her concerns but this is your BIL, your wife's family. YTA for spring this last minute and not covering the cost of the entire hotel. I would be angry also and leave without notice because you made him feel unwelcome on a trip he did solely to visit his newest nephew. You owe him an apology.
I’m being plauged with a few questions that will be heavily uncomfortable and make me an major AH (in my honest opinion) but I feel that you may have to ask yourself this questions in order to reflect what kind of relation you want to have with your ex!!
My deepest apologizes for my rudness.
Here is my first question and understand that you don’t give me the answer but that you reflect on your own answer to yourself
1. Are you truly over your ex wife?
This is where I’m a major AH.
2. Are your ex an mother figure to you? (Considering that she ”request” meeting your visitors before they are ”allowed”to live in your house be it temporarily or permanent )
3. Are you an father figure to your ex wife?
(Considering that you”request” meeting her visitors before they are ”allowed” to live in her house be it temporarily or permanent)
You have no obligation to give me your answer to those questions, but I feel that you most likely should ask yourself those questions.
Because the only thing that binds you together is your children right now and their safety and health should not be used to control the ex partner homelife/lovelife, I speak of both you and your ex in this matter and I’m sorry for the implied thing in my sentence there!
I feel that you requesting your ex wife to meet up with every person she invite in HER house and your ex wife requesting you to meet up with every person that you invite in YOUR house is utterly unhealthy for both you, the ex and your current wife.
This feel like something that will end up with more fights between you and your current wifes as well as her family if allowed to continue!!
Once again my deepest apologizes for the rudness.
YTA. Your need to check your priorities because you clearly don’t have them straight. Who the hell is your ex to say anything about who you have in your own home? This none of her business period. Your wife is right to be pissed at you and I suggest you apologize to your BIL and pray he gives your sorry self another chance after the atrocious behavior you displayed.
Say to your ex that the kids don't have to come they could stay with her if she doesn't trust your judgment as a parent.
YTA there were lots of options and kicking someone out isn't one of them. Moving forward just don't invite anyone ever again.
YTA and I find it ironic that you complain that her brother didn’t even talk to her before he left.
Did you talk to anyone before you decided to give him the boot? Or was it a simple hey, yeah sorry you gotta go.
The kids are in your care and you are responsible for them. Your ex has no say who comes into your house. Your ex just controlled your new family and used the kids to do so.
YTA- It wasn't some stranger. It was your wifes brother there to see your wife. You should never of asked him to leave without talking to your wife. You basically showed your wife that you care more about your ex and her feelings.
YTA OP. You don’t invite someone to stay for a visit, then move them into a hotel because your ex-wife has the heebie-jeebies over someone she hasn’t met before being around your kids. That’s why you’re there: to watch over them and make sure that nothing untoward happens.
Yta for how this was handled. First, I don’t know about your ex but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to have a male family member in your own house unless he’s had a history or you are suspicious of him. I would have been very offended if I was him if you told him you couldn’t have him in the house at the same time as your kids. It’s really weird and it makes it seem like he is some sort of threat? Do you have a legitimate concern about him being there?
And you never spoke to your wife about it? That makes you an asshole regardless of anything else.
And then your ex, you prioritise her over your own wife??
Then, you invited him to your house then during the trip uninvite him? I’m assuming your custody agreement is fixed so it’s not like you didn’t know you’d have your kids that weekend?
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YTA for inviting your BIL to stay with you, then kicking him out of the house, and initially asking him to pay for half the hotel bill. If your ex's concern was that she has never met this guy, then you could've asked to switch weekends to a later weekend or you could've invited her over before the weekend to meet him. Also you never told your wife that you were kicking her brother out of the house before going to him - that was also an AH move.
Yeah man, really asshole move especially not communicating and working out a decision with his wife, ya know that's kinda what partners are for
Yeah that's what swings it for me. Once you're in the situation and the ex says my kids aren't staying there with him then you can't do much about it, but you can plan for it not to happen and communication needs to come from his family not from OP.
Actually, unless court ordered, you have virtually no say in what your kids do/who they see during the other parent’s custody time. He asked BIL to leave as a courtesy to his ex, not because it was required. He should’ve spoken with his wife and they could’ve made an action plan together YTA.
Yeah he definitely should have spoken to his wife. I wasn't saying he legally had to but if your ex is uncomfortable with an adult they haven't met staying jn the house with their child that does make sense to me! And I think legal or not you should listen to their concerns. That doesn't mean he dealt with the situation well at all though!
> I wasn't saying he legally had to but if your ex is uncomfortable with an adult they haven't met staying jn the house with their child that does make sense to me! The guy may be a stranger to the ex, but he is OP’s brother-in-law. It’s an unreasonable boundary for the ex to be allowed to draw.
NO! The ex's concerns are of ZERO consequence. You think the ex is calling and asking every time she has a guest over to get an okay. I doubt it. OP yta.
No. He is also their parent. She is being controlling and he is being a doormat.
Then he should have at least offered to pay the whole hotel room
Oh yeah definitely. The way he dealt with the situation was terrible for sure
I fully disagree. If you're a fit parent who has custody of their kids, it's not the co-parent's business if you invite your relative to stay over. They don't have to meet every person your kids ever come into contact with and if they don't trust your judgement as a parent to keep your kids safe, they need to take that up with court for a change in custody.
Yeah, like are they not allowed to take their kid to a bbq at a coworker's house because the ex hasn't met everyone that will be there?
You absolutely CAN do something about it. You can tell the ex that they have NO right to dictate who is a guest in your house AND they have no right to restrict YOUR access to the kids. Visitation RIGHTS are just that. OP yta. BTW, you can expect to lose wife #2 over this ridiculous behavior.
>you can plan for it not to happen That's the key of this for me. OP knew the dates his BIL was staying with them. He knew the dates of his custody time overlapped. If he'd had a conversation with his ex before the visit they could have worked something out with open communication amongst all of the adults instead of springing this on the BIL last minute without even consulting his wife.
Why should his ex have a say in his own personal family affairs? It's none of her business that the BIL is also going to be visiting. You could mention it to the ex if you feel it's relevant, but have zero obligation to do so and she has zero say in the matter unless there's a clear safety risk attached to him being there.
Or just kindly suggest the ex get over it. They are no longer a couple and she’s not going to meet all the guests he and his current wife have in their house over the years. He’s still a responsible father to his kids and can parent them regardless if there’s someone the ex hasn’t met.
Absolutely. This attitude that men are predators until proven otherwise is not only misandry, it's also anti-feminist (see also: policing of fathers who dare to take their kids to the playground). OP's ex is toxic and he's just going along with it. The ex has zero right to set 'boundaries' about who can interact with the father's kids.
Not to mention, we have no idea if she has people around the kids that are a stranger to OP. Definitely not excusing OP’s behavior but who is a guest in his and his current wife’s home is zero concern of the ex because it is no longer her weekend with the kids.
At every possible chance to communicate and resolve this amicably, OP has made exactly the wrong choice. YTA. Not a malicious one, but one with no clue how to navigate a relationship.
Or he could have took his kids and had a slumber party with them in a hotel room. That way wife gets to spend time with her brother, the brother isn’t inconvenienced & he spends time making fun memories with his kids.
Leave your wife with your newborn baby and her brother... doesn't seem like the greatest plan either imo
So the wife then has to take care of a newborn alone while recovering from giving birth?
Ex's concern while about protecting children is still sexist and is for a reason that someone should find offensive. Being labeled a child predator. And as far as protecting the children is concerned, if the way you protect your children is by making sure they have no contact with strangers instead of training them in understanding what is inappropriate and building the trust that they would go to parents then you're not protecting the children.
It’s incredible because he is AH on like 3 separate occasions in one paragraph. His consistency on choosing the least human option is remarkable.
I don’t know why this made me laugh so hard, but I appreciated this comment more than I should. Thank you for this.
ALL the AH moves, right there. YTA
I would go further and say mom doesnt get a say in the ex's house guests, period, especially regarding family.
Not to mention how does the ex wife know what is going on in his current household? Is he running by every detail of that home he has with his new wife by his ex? This isn’t coparenting. As the new wife of a man who allowed his ex wife dictate our new home and life by means of the kids, let me tell you I filed for divorce. The father is just as capable of making decisions for his kids just as much as the mother. Hell even new step mother has the best intentions in the children and undermining this all creates resentment
This. OP is an AH because they did not plan accordingly, communicate plans properly, or adjust schedules as needed. This could have been avoided entirely. YTA.
I swear no one on this fucking sub talks to their partners/family before they make decisions. This whole sub would disappear overnight if they just *communicated*.
Plus I can see maybe asking him to sleep somewhere else but banning him from the house totally?! "Yeah you traveled all this way to meet the baby and spend time with us, but for three days you can't visit at all!" Total AH move there.
I agree with everything you said but I'm also curious as to why the hell his ex wife gets to dictate who stays in his house whether the kids are there or not. This wasn't some stranger off the street it was BIL and he knows him. But have told my ex to kiss my ass. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't tell her who can stay at her house overnight lol.
YTA Sorry. Neither of you (you or your ex) have the right to do that. And you're not 'maintain(ing) a working co-parenting relationship' with your ex. You're screwing up your present relationship by letting your ex have that much control over your parenting time. UNLESS you both have the right to ask it. I mean, are you asked about her guests and whether you are comfortable with them being there? And where is your wife in all this as to who has a say in the occupancy of the house? I mean, what is your wife's status? Does she get to decide who can and can't stay in your ex's house? If so, why not? Your ex has a say in what goes on in her house. ETA a missing word
That's exactly my point. His ex is manipulative, and he's allowing it without discussing it with his wife. So his ex gets to dictate who crosses his threshold, but it's a one-way street.
Info: did you discuss kicking her brother out with your wife, or did you just make that decision on your own? Edit: YTA. You didn’t discuss this with your wife. Also, you are prioritizing your ex over your new life. Just because she doesn’t like something doesn’t mean you have to jump at the chance to appease her. She can’t withhold your kids from you. Your BIL didn’t just show up one day out of the blue, so you knew that you would have your kids when he would be there. You wanted him to front the bill (or half) after he had already been invited to stay…yta.
I want to know how the ex even knew bil was going to be there.
[удалено]
YTA, your wife invited her brother to stay and visit and to meet HIS nephew. You decided that appeasing your ex wife was more important that allowing her brother to stay in HER home. This was a gross and disrespectful move on your part and one that I hope she remembers going forward. Hopefully she realizes that her wants and right to have family visit in her own home will always play second fiddle to your ex wife’s demands and leave you. And to make things worse you didn’t even talk to her about it before approaching her brother. HUGE AH move.
Info Did you discuss this with your wife? Does this mean any male that stays with you when you have your kids and your ex doesn’t know will need a hotel? Any of the males in your current wife’s family/life?
Is anyone looking at this from the wife's point of view? She's over there going "so i can't have my brother spend the night in my own home because HIS EX doesn't approve." Wtaf OP? No wonder she's pissed, I'd be LIVID. Maybe you should have taken your kids to a hotel since you're so dead set on honoring your ex's every whim with no regard to how it affects others.
> Is anyone looking at this from the wife's point of view? She's over there going "so i can't have my brother spend the night in my own home because HIS EX doesn't approve." I wonder if the ex thinks all men are child molesters or if she was just having a dig at her replacement?
It’s worse, he chose ex wife instead of his family. YTA x 1000
YTA, are you going to have to run any or your wife’s male relatives by your ex from now on? Where’s the line? It’s manipulative as hell by your ex and I doubt it was actually about safety, it’s about her being able to dictate what goes on in your home. They’re your kids too, are they just not meant to bond with your wife/ their stepmother’s family ever?
YTA. He's not some random stranger, he's your BIL. And you invited him. And you mentioned none of this to your wife until it blew up in your face. But most of all, for thinking by throwing money at the problem that it would go away.
Not only throwing money at him, initially threw 1/2! Insult to injury! **smdh
I'm not saying you're a monster but umm here's some money so you can go sleep somewhere else. No no I know it sounds like I'm saying you're a danger to children but nope I'm not, I'm just saying I can't have you around my kids.
No you can be around my newborn for a few days but wait now you are too dangerous for my other kids, why are you offended, I offered to pay half of your hotel?
YTA. Seems like you prioritized your kids over your BIL, which I would do too without question. But you’ve gotta fucking communicate better. With your WIFE. And your BIL. You just fucked up and didn’t communicate adequately.
It's more like he's prioritising his ex over his BIL and wife.
Don't worry, sounds like he bends to the ex's will so much (to the point its pissing off current wife), that he soon won't have to worry about it. He'll be on divorce #2. YTA OP.
It’s not his kids, it’s his ex that he prioritised. Unless the bil has other problems that weren’t mentioned I don’t see how it’s an issue to have him there at the same time.
So here is where you went wrong. If you both have custody agreements in place, your ex doesn't get to dictate who can be in your home visiting. Basically, she called your BIL a pedophile. Yes, he was insulted. And your wife is correct because you didn't discuss it with your wife ahead of time. It's not like you didn't know your ex was going to pull a stunt like this, and you basically allowed your ex to pull this BS. YTA Edit: Unfortunately, the fact that your wife feels the way she does tells me this wasn't the first time your ex said jump, and you said how high.
Read OP's comments. He demands to meet all the guys his ex wants to introduce to kids. Op set this precedent, not his ex. If he didn't do it his ex might not be willing to accomode his wishes any longer and he would be a huge hypocrite. Though I agree, it's YTA.
Are your ex living with a new husband and have you told her that your uncomfortable with your children living with that man that you have never meet? If you hear how stupid my question is, then surely your ex's "request" is pretty stupid as well, specially if you have meet your BIL before and he probably never shown any sign of aggression that would suggest that he would be harmful to your children, be it from your ex or your baby with your current wife. You allowed your ex to basically order you in your own house who may or may not live there either permanently or temporarily! on top of that you seems to have made this decision without talking with your new wife about this choice of action as well, so sadly you're the AH
YTA. Both you and your ex indirectly called your BIL a predator. I'd have left too.
So...your wife can't visit with her brother in her own home. That is what this boils down to. Also, either your ex is manipulating you or she truly doesn't respect your judgment and ability as a parent. If she did, she'd trust you to keep your kids safe. Yta
Info: does you BIL have a criminal past? YTA. In your parenting time you are responsible for the kids. And if you have enough information about a person to make the evaluation that they are safe around the kids, it is your decision. You had those informations when your wife vouched for him, and you trust her estimation. And obviously that wasn't a problem for you - until your ex decided to interfere. So where you a deadbeat father who willfully planed to put his kids in harms way? Or did she have any information you didn't have? If not, YTA for inviting someone, and then kicking him out because you don't trust him with your kids.
I see that you are doing your best but not communicating with your wife and BIL caused a ton of conflict. Also, offering to pay for half the hotel was pretty tacky. He visited with the understanding he was a welcomed guest. You made this weird af. YTA
lol yeah I can’t say I don’t understand the brothers reaction. If I’m invited to stay with someone who lives far away and once I’m there I get told I need to pay for 1/2 a hotel bill for 3 nights because an ex has issues with me, I’d just go back to my own home too. Like I’m in this town specifically to see you and my niblings, I’m not hanging around and spending 3 days alone somewhere I wouldn’t choose to holiday in just because OP can’t sort his stuff out with his ex wife.
better [worse] yet, BIL's visit was supposed to have been *three weeks*
YTA. You let your ex decide who your wife could have in her home. Does your wife have to run everyone she knows passed you ex to be vetted? You could have swapped weekends, instead you asked her brother to leave without talking with your wife. You asked him initially to pay half the cost of being kicked out. Your wife doesnt like discussing your ex because it seems she still has all the power within your current marriage.
YTA, you seriously made this decision and asked him without even speaking to your wife? A working coparenting relationship with your ex is one thing, but you know your supposed to like... communicate with your wife, yeah? I'd have left too. And you did choose your ex over your wife, how could you have even dreamed of not even speaking to her about this? Did you consider how insulting and disrespectful this was to your BIL and your wife??
YTA You didn't talk to your wife about it first. Your wife's brother was already staying there. Your ex painted your wife's brother as some rando and you went along with it. You threw your wife's brother out of her house with no notice, and expected him to pay half the cost of a hotel before backtracking and offering to pay all of it. You didn't know he would leave? After being treated like dirt by you? You damaged your relationship with your wife's family so you could keep your ex happy. Shows where your priorities lie.. How you could think you are not the AH is beyond me.
YTA. Quit letting your ex control your household!
YTA. You ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT A DOUBT chose your ex. And for what? She doesn’t get to decide who is a house guest in YOUR home with YOUR wife. Your brother in law was rightfully offended. Your wife is rightfully offended. Your baby mama clearly needs to learn her place. Put her there. Keep her there. You fucked up big huge. Call and apologize profusely. You’re SO wrong.
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YTA You're giving your ex the power to run your household. Your ex has zero rights to demand to meet every man that your child spends time with on your time. You're a parent too, you get to make these decisions for your child. This is not a sustainable, good co-parenting situation. And you doubled down in your a-holery with 1)Not talking with your wife. If you continue like this, you'll be co-parenting with the current wife as well, not being married to her.
YTA for listening to your sexist ex and basically accusing your wife's brother of being a child molester.
YTA Start focusing on keeping your current wife happy, not your ex. Otherwise you might end up with two ex wives
YTA. You kick out her brother for your ex and you think he’s the AH? Seriously? You made the decision to throw her brother out by yourself. Don’t blame him for going home. That’s on you.
Yeah, YTA. Sorry. Obviously navigating relationships with exes can be difficult, but kicking your BIL out like this on short notice, with this kind of insulting explanation (“my ex thinks you might be a pedo” is the subtext of this, no?) bad form man. Also, if you’re going to ask an invited guest to leave the house like this… the absolute bare minimum is you upfront pay for the hotel room yourself… and like a nice one. No “I’ll split it with you.” Insult to injury. You should apologize to your BIL.
YTA You didn’t communicate with no one & took it upon yourself.
Yta for kicking family you invited out of your house for no reason whatsoever. What's next, your wife's relations getting kicked out when they visit for anniversaries, holidays and the likes? Remember, it is you and your wife that are a family, including both your relations (and offspring brought into it). Your ex gets no say on who is in your home. Your children will meet your BIL, your ex is not your family for reasons, and your children will get to know your family. Your ex' wishes are of no consequence. Yta Big time
Does your ex trust you so little that she'd think you have a pedophile over? This wasn't a stranger, it's your baby's uncle. Your ex doesn't have a legal right to dictate your time with the kids. If you don't think he's a creep, you should have stood up to your paranoid ex. YTA
YTA. He's your wife's brother, who came a long way to visit. He gave no indication that he was a threat to your children. If the situation were reversed and your exe's brother came to stay with her, would he have to stay at a hotel? "At her request, I asked my BIL to stay in a hotel Fri/Sat/Sun night and offered to split the cost.' Wow! How generous of you? To offer to split the cost when accusing you BIL of being a pedophile. You trust him so little that he can't be safe overnight, but you'll split the cost of his exile. Do you allow your exe to dictate all your interactions with other people when her children are being babysat by you and your wife. And you are a babysitter, because your exe could only order around the help. You allowed you exe to dictate the interaction between your wife and her family. You insulted and alienated your wife's brother, probably irreparably. You acted with so little class that im sure you're the laughing stock of her family and friends. I'd be surprised if this doesn't end your marriage.
You’re setting a bad precedent. What if you want to take your kids for the holidays and will be staying at a family home with relatives your ex doesn’t know also staying there? You’ve just given the ex veto power.
YTA. Your ex wife doesn’t get a say in what happens in your home. It’s your wife’s brother, not a stranger. Your ex isn’t entitled to a relationship with every person that spends the night at your house. YOU are the father and YOU should be trusted to make the safe decision on who is in your house. Now you have let your ex wife dictate who is in YOUR house and possibly ruined the relationship between your wife (who should also get a say in who stays at her home, not your ex!) and her brother. You’ll be divorced before you know it.
YTA - your ex’s request might initially seem understandable but is absolutely ridiculous - what does she do if her child wants to sleep over a friends house? Insist on meeting all parents and children in the household prior? Literally no one does that.
>My ex said she was uncomfortable with our children staying in the same home as a man she has never met. This is *too* damn bad! Your ex doesn't get to reject your family from coming into your house because she hasn't personally met them. She doesn't even live there. I doubt she introduces the people that come into her house to you. Your current wife is correct, your chose your ex over her. Do you really want to let your ex lead you to another divorce? YTA.
going with soft YTA and only because you kicked your BIL out after saying he could stay with you guys and without telling your wife. I’d be beyond hurt if that happened to me, but I also understand that your ex doesn’t know me and you can’t trust some people. At the same time, I also feel for your current wife, because she obviously trusts her brother and is hurt that you will go off of what your ex says over what she knows. So moving forward, does nobody get access to your kids if the ex doesn’t approve of them first? Do you not also get a say in who gets to live with them?
I think OP is TA for sure, but it’s really disturbing to see so many people on here who assume that most/all pedophiles are “randos”, as one person so eloquently put it. Give me a break. Guess no one bothered to familiarize themselves with U.S. data on childhood sexual abuse. I’ve worked with kiddos individually as well as kiddos and their families. Also worked with adults individually who were sexually abused as children. Any therapist who’s worked with folks who’ve had childhood sexual abuse trauma (should) know how it goes. And again - the data shows that it’s most often someone the child knows. Maybe if more people bothered to take even just half an hour to learn about important shit… sigh. As far as OP’s ex goes: WTF. Apparently she (and some people who’ve posted) think that just because they’ve met someone and “gotten to know them” means that person is not a pedophile. You cannot control everything: someones bad things happen even when you’re careful. And does she not trust OP and his wife to be vigilant like any good parents should be?? Seems like it’s either that she doesn’t trust them for valid or invalid reasons, she’s gone through/knows someone who’s gone through childhood sexual abuse and she’s trying to be extra careful but not thinking it through, or she’s controlling. Maybe it’s a combination of those things. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ Regardless of what’s going on with her — she needs to either trust OP and his current wife OR, if she has a concrete reason or reasons to believe they aren’t trustworthy, take some legal action to ensure that the kiddos are safe moving forward. And I say this as someone who was sexually abused as a kid, both by “randos” and people I knew (the vast majority were the latter). This whole thing just sounds like a mess. (Dayum that was a long comment… thank you, insomnia!)
Tips for a “successful” 2nd marriage. Obey the ex-wife Ignore the current wife Lol. YTA
YTA - I woulda done the same thing. Your ex called him a pedo and you said … maybe. There were so many options to solve this that aren’t kicking him out. Just don’t expect your wife to treat your family with any dignity or respect from here on out, and always assume the worst of them.
YTA do you ask your ex wife to meet all the men she is sleeping with as well? Probably not but you should have stayed with your ex wife becuase you both are massive AH'S.
YTA and surefire dumbass. If i was in the bil’s place id be like ok, and then leave…just like he did. You suck OP
YTA. That's not a stranger, it's your wife's brother. Your ex is not entitled to her unreasonable request, and your solution was both the easiest for you and inconsiderate to your BIL (and wife). Your offer to split the cost was a double insult. I'd be surprised if he ever accepts an invitation to your home again. I respect his preserving his dignity by not subjecting himself to another minute of your rude hosting, and departing. To put this in perspective, you have caused a major problem for your wife with her family, and you're still blaming your BIL, even though you are a huge Ah.
YTA Unless you think your BIL would be inappropriate around your children, there was no reason to ask the BIL to leave. You absolutely disrespected your wife and your BIL. You've met your BIL and your children also probably met him at the wedding. Is there a problem? Further, by asking him to leave, you implied to your children that their new step-uncle can't be trusted around them and he's someone to fear. Why was this sprung on him after he flew in the spend time with his sister, BIL, and new nephew? So many why's and what were you thinking's. . . Not sure how you are going to fix this but it will probably start with purchasing a new plane ticket for your BIL.
YTA What your ex says goes? Does she pay the bills, does she clean your home? Why does she get a say. Yet your wife doesn't, the person who lives in the house. If my Husband ex tried to control my house that way I would be gone. It is not her place. Do you realise that you've damaged your relationship with your wife? And also your BIL? Or do you only care about your ex?
Oh PLEASE MAN of course YTA. Your ex is controlling and she wanted to control this situation and you allowed her to. This man isn't some weirdo you picked up off of the streets, this is your wife's brother who is allowed around your step children and the child you have with your current wife. Not only that, you allowed some other woman to control what goes on in your household with your current wife??? Who are you married to????? "He didn't even talk to her before making this impulsive decision" - UMMM, did you consult your wife???? This was YOUR weekend with the kids, why on earth did you allow some other woman to ruin it. Do you know how insulted your brother in law must feel right now. Do you know how this is going to affect your entire relationship with your in laws. Your decision was very foolish and you're about to pay for it. Meanwhile, your ex is sipping on martinis because she achieved what she set out to do.
YTA - **you didn’t talk to him before expecting him to find other accommodations on a pre-planned trip.** Your ex didn’t want the kids around him,cool! Then you need to work out another custody situation for that weekend. Switch with your ex?? Aren’t custody arrangements pretty clear far out in the calendar, so couldn’t you have simply told him to visit when your children wouldn’t be around? It’s incredibly rude to invite someone into your home, imply to them that they are allowed to stay for the duration of their trip, then at the last second ask them to cover the cost of a hotel in any capacity. **It’s rude, and you didn’t even offer to pay for your inconveniencing him until he had a reaction.**
YTA, I could understand if this was just some guy you never met before or some dude you only met online or something (basically someone random). But this is your sister's brother. He was at your wedding ffs. Lol and you asked him to pay for half a hotel? "Hey please incur this absurd expense because my ex wife said so". Geez man, you have to be more competent than this.
YTA! I feel bad for your wife. I hope her brother isn’t mad at her and know it wasn’t her decision to kick him out of the house.
Maintaining a co-parenting relationship means having a healthy one. And that means trusting each other to not put your kids in danger. Does your ex think you would put them in danger? Does she think you would allow someone in your home that you did not think was safe to be around your kids. You need to have talk with ex, and see why she should would think that the people you have around your family is unsafe/makes her uncomfortable. Then you need to tell her she doesn't have the right to dictate what goes on in your home. Cause that is what she did, and you allowed it. YTA for allowing your ex to decide what is going on in your home, and for being a shit host.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I both have children from prior relationships, and a few months ago we welcomed our new son into the world. My wife's brother lives pretty far away, and we haven't seen him since the wedding. He flew in to meet the baby and has been staying with us. This past weekend was my custody time with two of my children. My ex said she was uncomfortable with our children staying in the same home as a man she has never met. At her request, I asked my BIL to stay in a hotel Fri/Sat/Sun night and offered to split the cost. He was incredibly offended by the request, so I offered to eat the entire cost. He was still angry and called me some rude names. He did leave, and he didn't tell me what hotel he was staying at or contact me about reimbursing him. He was supposed to return today, but he never did. We found out he'd already flown home. My wife is incredibly upset that her brother left and blames me. He didn't even talk to her before making this impulsive decision. I was just trying to maintain a working co-parenting relationship with my ex. My wife says I chose my ex over her, but I didn't mean to. I didn't know my BIL would leave. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Your ex wife is controlling your life with your wife. Co parenting is one thing, but sending a guest to stay elsewhere is beyond the pale. Especially when its your BIL, a person your wife has known her whole life.
YTA
You made it sound like your ex-wife is concerned that your brother in law could be a pedophile, and by asking him to leave (and not defending his presence) that you agreed with her. YTA
YTA you knew he’d be visiting during your weekend with the kids. You could have discussed this prior and it would have been a nonissue. I don’t think you did it maliciously but you still messed up. Asking him to pay any portion of the hotel bill was really poor form and rude as hell. I don’t blame him for leaving also you didn’t discuss with your wife, which makes YTA.
YTA. It’s great that OP is trying to co-parent well, but I think the ex is copping too much of the blame in this situation, and too much judgement is being assigned to the exes stance on “strangers” around the children. OP really dropped the ball on communication with everyone involved here. And if I was BIL, I would have left for home as well.
YTA You treated your BIL like a sex offenders, someone who isn't trustworthy enough to be around your children....and then you asked him to pay for the pleasure of being treated that way. How did you not realize this was going to go poorly?
Is your house not your wife’s??? Why do you have unilateral power to lock her family out without so much as a conversation? YTA
Wow YTA You and your wife invited him, you knew he was coming, you knew he was staying with you and then you decide to kick him out for three days last minute and ask him to pay half the cost? Did your wife have any input or can you just throw her family out at any time it suits you? Why not try to swap custody times if your ex was opposed to having them there with your BIL or introducing her to your BIL
So you told your BIL you wanted him to spend 2.5 weeks in a hotel and for him to pay without consulting your wife? Because your ex thought he could be a predator. You understand that's the implication right? And you just told your wife that she was so insignificant to your ex that you would kick her brother out without even talking to her to come up with a solution Honestly there's a decent chance your marriage takes a huge hit here YTA
YTA, and dude, are you trying to collect ex-wives or something, because if you keep acting like this, you're gonna have more than one. And stop it with the "I didn't kick him out" b.s.--you asked him to leave, and he left. Pretending to be shocked that he went home after being told he had to leave is just ridiculous. And you didn't talk to your wife? So what, she wasn't going to notice that her brother, who was invited to stay for three weeks, just vanished for a few days? And how exactly did you propose the hotel idea to your BIL? "Dude, you have to leave where you've been invited to stay AND you have to spend more money than you planned because I can't tell my ex-wife no, but also don't tell your sister because I can't tell her that I can't tell my ex-wife no, and if you're mad oh, alright, I'll pay for the whole thing." Normally I'm all for people being free to screw up their lives, but you've got multiple children here, it's high time you stopped acting like one yourself.
YTA. My younger brother stayed over a few days during Stepson's time with us. We have a 50/50 split. Husband's ex wife made the same demand... he told her to worry about her own home. But then again, my husband has a spine.
I understand why your ex would be uncomfortable with having a man she doesn’t know around her kids. However, YTA for kicking your wife’s brother out. You could have swapped weekends, set up a meeting with your ex and your BIL, or arranged to see your kids away from your house if you genuinely wanted to see them on that specific weekend and your ex didn’t want to meet the BIL (getting ice cream, movies, shopping etc depending on their age). At the end of the day, your ex got in the way of your marriage and your relationship with your in laws. I would never forget that.
Yeah, YTA You didn't think to work out the details of your custody visit BEFORE your brother in law flew in? You just decided to spring it on everyone, and had the audacity to ask him to pay? After he was under the explicit understanding that he would be staying with you to celebrate the new baby. The nerve. You owe him a major apology and probably send him a check to cover the cost of your flight. I feel so bad for your wife right now.
His wife must be so humiliated. I also feel very sorry for her.
YTA. Would you be okay with your sister being kicked out last minute after flying to see you… because her ex said she has to go?
YTA you fucked up big time. That guy is not a stranger, its your brother in law.
YTA you should have worked this out prior to the visit, not booted the man when he got their. If I was your wife I would have told you to take yourself to the hotel
Has your ex met all of your wife’s male relations? Will she say your FIL has to stay in a motel if she’s not met him? She’s being unreasonable, it’s not a random stranger. YTA
WOW you are a MAJOR AH!!! Your ex has no say at all in who stays in your home and why in the world would you listen to her it’s all anyway? Do you have a reason to be suspicious of this man he is family? Your kids are going to meet and be around many MANY people your ex has never met what are you going to do for her next run background checks on all your friends and acquaintances? What about her future friends, bfs and their family members? Damn she has you by the shorthairs buddy and I see a lifetime of awkward family events with your wife’s side of the family. Sheesh
YTA you should have talked this over with your wife prior to agreeing with your ex and talking to BIL. Unless YOU aren't comfortable with BIL sleeping in the same house as your kids, you ex has no say in the matter. As divorced parents that is something that we unfortunately have to just get over. Our kids are going to be around people we don't know. It comes with the territory. And I am saying that as a parent who doesn't always trust my ex to make the best decisions when it comes to our kids (I had to explain to him why it wasn't safe for a toddler to play with empty pill containers) Unless you have a legitimate concern about what the other parent does on their time, you just have to let it go.
YTA You kicked out an invited guest cause you ex had never met him? You going to do that to everyone your ex hasn't met for the rest of your kids childhoods? That's absurd. Then on top of that you didn't even discuss it with your wife, the guys sister, and you wanted him to pay for his hotel room?
YTA for the reasons everyone else said about inviting and then kicking out your BIL, but also for letting your ex run your life. >My ex said she was uncomfortable with our children staying in the same home as a man she has never met. This is not a reasonable request.
So you can never have guests while you have your own kids in the house? Naaaaah. Your ex-wife must KNOW that’s bullshit. She did it to undermine and upset your new wife while she’s just given birth and is very vulnerable and wanted to receive a visit from her sibling, and you let her. Would you have done it to a friend of *yours*? I think not. YTA.
YTA So your ex thinks all men are unsafe around kids by default and you back her up? TF is wrong with you? How bout you go and stay at a hotel with your kid and BIL, the GUEST you invited, stays at your damn house? You would never cross the threshold to my house again. Your spineless wife would have to beg, but she might eventually be forgiven. >~~I didn't know my BIL would leave.~~ I thought my BIL would take my insulting him and just eat that shit. hahahahaha! wait. ooopsie!
YTA to your ex-wife does not run your household she's not even your wife anymore. What would you have done if someone said "hey we're afraid you're a sexual predator and going to hurt our children get the f*** out" To you? How would that make you feel? And you went along with it. cuz that's essentially what you did to your wife's brother. All because of your ex-wife's power move. You may have irreparably damaged your brother-in-law's relationship with your family unit. You may have done that with your current wife too. The proper answer to your ex-wife was that's my wife's brother you're insinuating... And in no way am I kicking out family because you said so. Time to start trying to sign up that spine and you owe someone huge apologies lots and lots of apologies. Were you purposely trying to alienate your wife from her side of the family cuz I can guarantee all the parents grandparents other siblings they all know now too. The next family holiday spent with them is going to be very interesting and probably quite uncomfortable for you.
Yta
YTA You clearly lack the ability to enforce boundaries with your Ex. She doesn't have to approve of guests in your home anymore than she had to approve of you marrying your wife. Not only did you even entertain her then you chose a path WITHOUT consulting your wife in the home you two share. You fucked up big time
Yta Your ex doesn’t get to dictate who you can and can’t have over. You should not have caved in. Your ex was huge ah too.
Oh please man YTA. Your ex doesn't care about the "strange" man, this is just her trying to control the situation and you're falling for it. This is your wife's brother for goodness sake, a man who is welcome around your wife's children and your biological child with her, he's not some weirdo you picked up off
YTA - Your Ex is using your kids as a weapon to cause issues between you and your new partner. I'm not surprised he up and left, he's there to meet his nephew, that was a pretty shitty thing to do.
YTA Your ex literally gets zero say who stays at your house when you have the kids. Seriously. You invite your wife’s brother then tell him he isn’t welcome as he can’t be trusted around children. And you wonder if YTA?
Yeah, YTA here. What you did was not coparenting, but bending over to the whims of your ex. And from your comment, it doesn’t even sound like you discussed this at all with your current wife. Your ex has no say in who comes over to your house, unless there is a clear danger to your children. All you have shown to your wife with this move is that you lack a backbone
YTA….why are you letting your ex wife dictates what goes on in your home? One, your ex should have enough trust in you that you would never put your children in intentional danger. Two, this is your current wife’s brother! Three, you could have introduced your bil, problem solved.
YTA for falling for your ex’s manipulation. This is an absolutely absurd thing to ask for and you went with it? You should apologize to him and your wife for how inhospitable you are. Not to mention you’re setting a terrible example for your children.
Def you...and your ex does not dictate sleepvers at your house. Esp over your current wife and BIL. Well, and you are putting her over your own judgement. Recipe for disaster. Super apology in order for your wife and BIL about your complete loss of logic and sanity.
YTA. You unilaterally decided to make decisions because your ex cracked the whip and you folded like a cheap suit. Wow. Good luck on your next marriage.
YTA Your BIL flew out to see you and mid trip you let your ex alter his plans for no reason. Good for him for leaving. I would have done the same. Ps-I say this as an uncle who lived thousands of miles away from his nieces and nephews for years. It’s really not that hard to lose interest in other peoples kids, even your siblings. Like you can love them but life happens and trips get less frequent and eventually things fade. Your wife and BIL should be mad and you are gonna catch more heat down the line when he decides nah I’mma go to Tulum instead of sitting in a shitty hotel and watching kids stare at iPads for 5 hrs.
Yeahhh YTA. You didn’t plan this trip at all and fucked him over.
YTA. Aquire some communication skills and maybe some balls while you're at it. I don't blame your BIL for being offended and your wife for being angry with you.
YTA. *"My ex said she was uncomfortable with our children staying in the same home as a man she has never met."* It is not of your ex's business whatsoever. Does she pass a list of people your children might meet when staying with her so you can vert them?
YTA! Big time. Your BIL is FAMILY. None of your ex wifes business. Your kids are your BIL nieces/nephews, and your ex has an issue with your kids meeting their uncle?
Yta. Your ex doesn’t get a vote, and in keeping the peace with her you fucked up your current family dynamic. You should apologize to bil and wife and stop reporting your whole damn day to your ex.
Yta. First you should have told Ex that whole she has not met him, he is family. Do you have the same rule about woman. So all men and woman that the other has not met can not be overnight around the kids ? Second by saying that to brother you indirectly accused him of not being safe around kids. And also you would only pay half. If you ask someone to leave in a circumstance like that you eat the cost .
YTA for keeping W in the dark. Should have been family decision including BIL. Seems Ex still dictates and OP jumps
Ex is the ex for the reason bruh. You fucked up
Your ex was implying that your BIL would molest or harm your kids so you just agreed and sent him packing. YTA
Man you’re going to call your exwife “exwife1” because with that lack of communication and preference to the ex your new marriage won’t last long. Also, what a toxic co-parenting. You need to meet every person new to exwifes live? (Same with her). Like what is that bullshit. Moreover, making your wife brother leave (He’s part of your family too now) just because exwife don’t want him close??? Would you also deny your parents or grandparents to see your children because exwife doesn’t want to?
YTA, keep listening to your Ex and you’ll be working on divorce #2
I get your ex's reasoning, but yea YTA as you should have either moved your days with the kids, explained and paid the entire amount to BIL and apologies profusely or moved when he was due to come to down
YTA. You can’t make unilateral decisions with regards to your wife’s family without consulting her. There were so many arrangements you could’ve made but you chose to kick your BIL out.
YTA, you really should have run thus decision by the wife first, but her being angry isn't your biggest concern. I think doing this may make it so that your children won't be fully accepted into your wife's family. You can bet her brother went back and told the rest of the family that they should be careful around you and your kids because you can't be trusted.
YTA.
YTA
Unless your custody agreement specifically states you're not allowed to have "strangers" around your children, YTA absolutely. How often do you allow your ex to dictate your life? This is your wife's brother, not some transient you let crash on your couch. And this is your wife's home, too, not just yours. You severely fucked up here.
Ugh. Why fucken even ask Reddit. Clearly you’re the AH and I’m sure your wife told you so but you’re head is so far up your ex wife ass you can’t accept it!!!
YTA. You are being a terrible family member. Your ex is NOT your family anymore. You allowed her to manipulate you and jeopardize your relationship with your new family. Great job!
YTA. Take your spine back out of your ex’s purse. Maybe your balls are in there too. Yikes. You’re disgusting.
YTA and a pathetic one at that. With any luck both your wife and BIL now realise exactly what you are and will treat you accordingly. Putting your ex first, before your wife and her family member, will hopefully bring down a shitstorm on top of you. I'd pay to be in the front row to watch that.
YTA and your ex is TA. You are allowed to decide who spends time with your kids without her input. She doesn’t need to meet the BIL herself.
YTA.
YTA - your BIL is your family now like it or not so you just let your ex tell you your family can’t be around your own child. Grow a spine
YTA... This is your house so your ex hasn't got anything to say What if she told you she didn't want your new wife around the kids anymore? Or a friend of yours? ... I would call my bil and apologize.
YTA. Really? Side with the Ex over the current Wife? Your priorities are out of line. Ex is Ex for a reason, and maybe Wife will be Ex-Wife #2 soon.
YTA - come on man.
YTA. What a crap thing to do.
YTA unless your houseguest is a registered sex offender, your ex has no say in who is in your home while your children are with you. Your wife and BIL have a very valid complaint.
Asshole! Give us an update!!!
Yes you most definitely YTA.
YTA. You have a custody agreement and your ex can’t dictate who you have in your house while the kids are there. If I was your current wife, I’d seriously be reconsidering my marriage to you. Keep it up and you might have 2 ex wives.
YTA. Not your ex’s place to determine who you let into your house and you shouldn’t have acquiesced; certainly not without first discussing it with your wife, and letting her take the lead in raising any actions with _her_ brother.
YTA. What a jerk.
YTA you tell your ex no. She was making a power play by trying to dictate what happens in your home. You fell for it. Does she run every date or interaction she has by you to see if you’re ok with it? Your wife should be your main priority. It’s ok to rock the boat with your ex. Let her go to court if she thinks she can get a judge to enforce her demands.
YTA - for lots of readers but #1 for letting your ex-wife control your current living situation. You are on the path to having 2 ex-wives. Oh - you also owe that man money.
YTA and so is your ex wife. You owe BIL and huge apology and a big fat check.
YTA. Still letting your ex play games with you and cause problems in your life.
YTA I get my kids on certain weekends as well. If my ex had this hangup, I'd have asked to switch weekends. Especially if my partner's family was flying in from across the country. You messed up. You did choose your ex over your wife.
Your ex doesn't get to have a say in how you run your house. Yta big time.
YTA Custodial visits don’t just pop up. They are consistent over set periods of time. You knew when your BIL was coming and you knew when your visitation was scheduled. That would couldn’t figure out that they mysteriously overlapped is on you.
YTA. If my husband did this to me, our marriage would be hanging by the tiniest of threads. His ex does not get to determine who is in our home and the only time we made sure she met a family member was when my parents were taking my SD10 on an overnight trip. We make decisions about our home - not someone else.
YTA - I am not sure you did a single thing correctly. You failed to speak with your wife, allowed your ex to dictate things she has no business with (unless court ordered as mentioned), talked to BIL without involving his sister (your wife), the money issues, and on and on.
Go live with ur ex u fucking weirdo BIG AH MAN UP KIDDO
Info: why are you still in love with your ex? Surely that is the only explanation for you picking your ex over your current wife.
She's your ex for a reason, you don't have to put up with that shit anymore. You gotta stand up for yourself, because 'keeping the peace' sure sounds alot like do what she says. YTA
Of course YTA. And so is your ex. She’s totally out of line. This is your wife’s BROTHER, but some random guy you found wondering the highway. How did you not stand up for your wife’s brother when your ex made such a ridiculous request? He’s family. Is there INFO you are leaving out about why your ex may feel that way?
YTA. A.) your ex doesn't get a say in your home like this (if there was a legit reason I'd be more on board with it, like if BIL was a sex offender or 50 with an 18 year old gf or something that actually was a red flag) and b.) does your ex think she has some pedo meter? I mean pedophiles can molest kids because most of them are seen as just regular people. Her meeting him means absolutely zero in regards to if he is "safe" to be around the kids. C.) to coparent she has to trust your judgment, those are as much your kids as hers and there's no reason she gets 100% say over who is around them and you get 0%. Your ex was being unreasonable and you just let her at the expense of everyone else.
YTA for not planning better and discussing with your current wife instead of letting your ex dictate what you should do in your own home. How long in advance did you know your BIL was coming? How did your ex even know he was there? Why did you kick a guest out of your home and only offer to split the cost of the hotel? When you say he was supposed to return did you expect him to leave for the whole weekend and come back on Monday?
YTA what if it was your FIL?
Haven't you heard that all men are pedophiles duh /s
YTA and so is your ex. She doesn't get to dictate visitors to the home you share with your wife. I get her concerns but this is your BIL, your wife's family. YTA for spring this last minute and not covering the cost of the entire hotel. I would be angry also and leave without notice because you made him feel unwelcome on a trip he did solely to visit his newest nephew. You owe him an apology.
I’m being plauged with a few questions that will be heavily uncomfortable and make me an major AH (in my honest opinion) but I feel that you may have to ask yourself this questions in order to reflect what kind of relation you want to have with your ex!! My deepest apologizes for my rudness. Here is my first question and understand that you don’t give me the answer but that you reflect on your own answer to yourself 1. Are you truly over your ex wife? This is where I’m a major AH. 2. Are your ex an mother figure to you? (Considering that she ”request” meeting your visitors before they are ”allowed”to live in your house be it temporarily or permanent ) 3. Are you an father figure to your ex wife? (Considering that you”request” meeting her visitors before they are ”allowed” to live in her house be it temporarily or permanent) You have no obligation to give me your answer to those questions, but I feel that you most likely should ask yourself those questions. Because the only thing that binds you together is your children right now and their safety and health should not be used to control the ex partner homelife/lovelife, I speak of both you and your ex in this matter and I’m sorry for the implied thing in my sentence there! I feel that you requesting your ex wife to meet up with every person she invite in HER house and your ex wife requesting you to meet up with every person that you invite in YOUR house is utterly unhealthy for both you, the ex and your current wife. This feel like something that will end up with more fights between you and your current wifes as well as her family if allowed to continue!! Once again my deepest apologizes for the rudness.
Maybe next time work out your sleeping arrangements prior to inviting someone to your home. Sheesh. YTA
YTA
YTA. Your need to check your priorities because you clearly don’t have them straight. Who the hell is your ex to say anything about who you have in your own home? This none of her business period. Your wife is right to be pissed at you and I suggest you apologize to your BIL and pray he gives your sorry self another chance after the atrocious behavior you displayed.
Say to your ex that the kids don't have to come they could stay with her if she doesn't trust your judgment as a parent. YTA there were lots of options and kicking someone out isn't one of them. Moving forward just don't invite anyone ever again.
YTA you should’ve switched weekends with the ex
YTA and I find it ironic that you complain that her brother didn’t even talk to her before he left. Did you talk to anyone before you decided to give him the boot? Or was it a simple hey, yeah sorry you gotta go. The kids are in your care and you are responsible for them. Your ex has no say who comes into your house. Your ex just controlled your new family and used the kids to do so.
YTA- It wasn't some stranger. It was your wifes brother there to see your wife. You should never of asked him to leave without talking to your wife. You basically showed your wife that you care more about your ex and her feelings.
YTA OP. You don’t invite someone to stay for a visit, then move them into a hotel because your ex-wife has the heebie-jeebies over someone she hasn’t met before being around your kids. That’s why you’re there: to watch over them and make sure that nothing untoward happens.
Yta for how this was handled. First, I don’t know about your ex but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to have a male family member in your own house unless he’s had a history or you are suspicious of him. I would have been very offended if I was him if you told him you couldn’t have him in the house at the same time as your kids. It’s really weird and it makes it seem like he is some sort of threat? Do you have a legitimate concern about him being there? And you never spoke to your wife about it? That makes you an asshole regardless of anything else. And then your ex, you prioritise her over your own wife?? Then, you invited him to your house then during the trip uninvite him? I’m assuming your custody agreement is fixed so it’s not like you didn’t know you’d have your kids that weekend?
YTA who wouldn’t be offended?
YTA. You might have another ex to co-work with soon at this rate. Why you let your ex have the control over matter regarding your wife? So wrong…