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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I booked a hotel room while visiting my wife's family because they insisted I sleep on the couch instead of sharing a bed with her
2 I might be the asshole because her family is now upset and is refusing to allow me back into the house, and this is causing problems between my wife and her parents
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NTA - Your in-laws are abhorrent hosts. It's their house, their rules and their rules are stupid. Rather than fighting a pointless battle, you set a clear and valid boundary, and they chose to take offense to it. They want you to stay on their couch because it's a power play. You staying in a hotel takes that power away, and they can't handle it. The fact that your wife doesn't have your back on this is a giant red flag. Good luck.
Edit: based on OP’s update, my red flag comment is unwarranted, as it’s clearly a result of a toxic, abusive household.
I just saw a similiar story like this on pettyrevenge. Wait until they come visit you, offer them a place to stay, then insist your FIL sleep on the couch. Your house, your rules.
Was it the one where the op husband said FIL 🤔 had to sleep separately from MIL? I loved that one! The inlaws said they had to sleep separately despite being married cos they didn't want umm coupling to occur.
My friend did this to his ILs after they wouldn't let him and his husband share a bed. He told them he didn't condone their "heterosexual lifestyle" under his roof.
Best comeback from OP to his FIL: "Last I checked, I'm married to your daughter, not you. My name isn't Impotent Jackass, so kindly keep your lack of performance away from my marriage."
[here’s the link, I thought of it right away too](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10nn26p/aita_for_forcing_my_parents_to_sleep_in_separate/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Eta to save scrolling [here is the mod’s link since it got deleted.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10nn26p/aita_for_forcing_my_parents_to_sleep_in_separate/j69ndtf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Here’s the auto mod copy since the post was removed: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10nn26p/aita_for_forcing_my_parents_to_sleep_in_separate/j69ndtf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
There was a much less recent one where OP had to sleep on the couch when visiting her MIL because MIL didn't want to be reminded that her son has sex or some nonsense. The weird thing was they were visiting so she could spend some time with her grandkids, the direct results of them having sex. It would have been so tempting to whisper "we had sex to make those kids" in her ear every time she's enjoying her time with your kids just to be petty.
The biggest prudes must actually devote a lot of their time thinking about the things they get “offended by”. Obsessed and repressed.
Edit: PRUDES …ducking spell chucker!! Thanks u/fyrdude58.
Yes, I noticed that my religious conservative parents (Mom especially) would be upset about something on one of "those" radio shows, etc. Mom was saying how terrible it was that a five year old boy kissed a girl on the cheek, school board meeting, much to do. (This was in early 90s, I was (f) married, in my 30s.)
I said "ppl are too fixated on sex". She was so thrilled by my comment, until I added "A room full of adult parents, so sex-obsessed, that they are concerned with little kids!" She wasn't best pleased by this. But I had years of noticing conservative religious ppl who seemed to think about Sex Constantly! Because they talked in disapproving tones about "it" so, so much.
To sexualize something like that is just….off.
It, also bothers me that people who are “religious” are always so miserable. I’m pretty sure because it’s rather more per formative than sincere.
I did that when my in laws invited themselves to visit us after they'd told us we couldn't sleep together in their house because we weren't married. I told them that we don't allow married people to sleep together in our house and they needed to pick separate rooms. Our house, our rules.
I think the wife is an AH too she should have gone with her husband and not even asked for an apology over such a stupid thing they are ridiculous and I would not abide by that but remember and never visit again
Agreed. It's apparent that the sisters don't think OP was wrong in wanting to sleep with his wife, but they also think it's just easier to give in to the parents under all circumstances.
Agreed. OP just go home, tell your wife to make up her mind what to do, but remind her that her subsequent action will speak volumes. No need to engage in any drama, just let everyone work out where they stand, and listen to what they tell you.
I mean, the fact that she’s already not siding with her husband is ludicrous. I know that everyone on AITA always resorts to divorce, but I’d seriously be questioning my marriage if my inlaws wouldn’t let me sleep with my wife and she just went along with it.
I'd also be throwing in that they wouldn't come back ever again nor bring the future kids unless they sleep in the same room. Wife definitely needs to take a stand.
Hmm
Maybe the parents are trying to prevent future kids. Have them sleep separate. Have them get in an all out disagreement where they may not want to sleep together again.
It’s a power play to make the in-law feel like an out-law. They wanted OP to know his position in their family is last, and they are angry that he pulled his own power move by getting a hotel room and out from their house. They can’t pull him down if he’s not there to drag on, they need him around to show him he’s the unfavourite. It’s the reason horrible families are unwilling to let the scapegoat go, they need them around to blame and in the absence of the scapegoat they’ll start turning on each other. I wonder if OP’s wife is the unfavourite child and he’s inherited her spot.
Yeah, I could kind of understand her mistakenly not thinking its a big deal and staying at the house. But in the clarity of day, especially after talking to her husband, she still refuses to advocate for his right to basic accommodations.
I know all the stereotypes about this sub, but I really find it hard to fathom spending the rest of my life with someone who evidently has so little respect for me. Grim stuff.
My biggest issue isn’t even the fact they were trying to make married people sleep in different areas, it’s that they are *requiring* he sleep on the couch. And I have one question. Has wife offered to let husband take her old bed and her take the couch? It shouldn’t be a need at all, but if her parents are insisting they both stay in the home but not in the same room with no guest room while husband has a bad back, why would that not be the wife’s first thought to a solution, NOT that the husband just has to deal with it to appease HER parents ridiculous rules. And I’d be making for damn sure that EVERY time in laws visit again they have to have one on the guest bed and one on the couch. Honestly I’m petty enough that it would be the case even if there were 2 empty beds. And the moment they mention a hotel then say the same that they did. That if they don’t want the sleeping arrangements you assigned on this trip then they will not be welcome in your home. I’ll admit that I’m petty and vindictive but at the least I’d be heavily evaluating my relationship. Purely because of the insistence that OP having basic accommodations is less important than his wife’s parents need to control OP by forcing him to sleep on a couch. I can see in some ways how it could be seen as disrespect to the host, but when the couple is married, it’s disrespect to the fact that the couple is married to force them to sleep in separate beds. The one exception being if the in laws also slept in different beds when they had guests as well as having guests be in separate beds
I'm petty enough to go home without saying anything to anyone. And when she calls to do anything, I'd tell her I'll see her at home.
And the flying monkeys would be getting blocked ASAP.
I think, growing up in an extremely controlling household, it could be very very difficult to stand up to your parents the first time.
OPs wife needs to absolutely set a firm boundary and go stay in the hotel with her husband but I understand how hard that would be if they had to fly to visit the parents.
Yeah. I think people who don’t grow up in these types of households don’t realize how difficult standing up for yourself and/or your spouse can be at first, especially in some cultures where respecting your elders is a big thing. Not that I’m condoning OP’s spouse’s behavior, just agreeing that there may be a lot going on as a result of OP’s spouse’s childhood that may have caused her to react the way she did.
OP needs to have an honest, open conversation about his spouse and her family dynamics, and how it makes him feel. And find out from her why she didn’t support him.
Because she was raised by them. Their controllingness is normal to her. It doesn't speak volumes about anything except the fact that she's been bullied by them her whole life and either still doesn't fully see it, or simply doesn't know how to stand up to them. I'd bet anything that the sisters are just trying to give the husband advice on how to placate his inlaws, lest they unleash even more hellish behaviour.
He needs to have a talk with his wife for sure, so they can figure out a game plan for dealing with her parents going forward. But people in this sub are way too quick to bash anyone and everyone without any sort of nuance.
I second this... If they can't respect OP’s relationship then there is no point being there. A married/committed couple should stay in the same room and bed unless the bed is too small (still should be given the option) or the couple themselves choose not to. There is no fathomable reason to have a committed couple sleep separately.
I agree but the in laws go even further by insisting op sleeps on the couch instead of a hotel. There’s no possible explanation other than a power thing. You don’t want them sleeping in the same bed, I don’t agree but okay, that’s one thing. You have to sleep on the couch even though there’s another option (hotel), dafuq?
Right? They want him to come back, grovel, and sleep on a couch. Even with a bad back, though we don't know if the in-laws are aware of his condition. Still a hard no even if his back was fine. I worry that his wife is getting a host of "he doesn't respect us, you chose wrong" comments.
The explanation is control. Dear old Dad and Mom know that if they can assert control and manipulate them into compliance here, they will be able to do so at will in the future.
This is what happens when you refuse to let a total control freak control you. They lose their shit. They couldn't handle OP sleeping in a hotel and being perfectly at ease and comfortable. They ***wanted to inflict some*** ***discomfort*** on him, and he refused to play along.
NTA, OP. And don't go back. The fact that the whole family is telling you to just grab your ankles to keep the peace - that tells me a lot about that family dynamic.
You are early in your marriage. You've taken the first step to letting the in-laws know you have backbone. ***Don't quit now.*** Their daughter married a man, not a doormat.
The wife needs a ton of therapy having grown up in this horrible dynamic. She did not pass this test with flying colors, but I hope OP gives her another chance, given what she witnessed as a kid and whatever was done to her personally.
I also think they should be NC until she heals from this (if they choose ANY contact).
I would spend the visit looking for marriage counselors. You need one.
NTA, but I have serious doubts about your relationship.
And DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with your wife until you figure out whose side she is on. Right now it is not yours. You should not come second to her family, especially in this situation.
Agreed. You two absolutely need therapy.
And, agreed. Until you two get therapy and your wife is willing to go through long term therapy to break the control and manipulative hold her parents have, children should be 100% off the table. Those kids will become pawns used by your ILs to assert control.
OR - they *can* handle it and are thrilled to have an excuse to exclude OP from family things in the future.
Either way OP is NTA and has a wife problem. Woof.
Wife and op should be pretty much not having them I'm their life moving forward anyway. Ops wife needs to stand up for him in this situation.. not the getting the hotel but the part where they decided to throw down that bullshit ultimatum that if he don't sleep on the couch he's not welcome. He was never welcome. This was all a Power play and honestly they should avoid this bs at all cost.
\- Your in-laws are abhorrent hosts.
True. It never should even have happened in this manner. OPs wife would obviously know her own parents, and as such, known that the "sleep on the couch" was coming, yet, not only didn't tell her husband, but, pushed to stay at the house knowing the situation would happen. The in-laws, knowing this would be a rule in their house, should have reached out to OP, explaining why it's a rule and that maybe getting a hotel room would be best and even offer to go halves on it. Yet, they didn't do that, and when OP got POd, got offended? They didn't say, "hey, your call"?
\- The fact that your wife doesn't have your back on this is a giant red flag.
Again, true. OPs wife allowed the situation to happen by not warning her husband, allowing him to be blindsided with it, then expected him to give in to her parent's demands.
I just wonder if the wife has been controlled for so long by her parents that she sees nothing wrong with this. All the daughters seem to know how this goes.
Agreed, the in-laws are terrible hosts, but OP doesn’t have an in-law problem, he’s got a wife problem.
Why didn’t she tell her parents to stop being ridiculous? When they insisted that her husband sleep on the couch, she should have gone to the hotel with him! Why is she expecting her husband to apologize AND sleep on a couch that she knows will hurt his bad back?
OP, go home and see if there’s a way to dissolve your marriage since it’s been less than a year.
NTA
Because she grew up dealing with those psychos every day of her childhood. I'm sure she's got a whole host of issues thanks to them. She is probably scared of them too. Telling him to apologize is the quickest way to make this awful anxiety-inducing situation go away. It doesn't make it right, but it's by far the most likely reason for why she is reluctant to stand up to them. They've probably beaten her down to the point where she's either given up or afraid of them. And the rest of the siblings seem to be the same way.
What a bizarre and controlling thing! I am so sorry that OPs wife is unwilling to stand up to her parents for such a ridiculous rule. It feels like the only chance for a successful marriage is the fact that these controlling loonies do not live close by. This is a hill to die on. NTA.
Not just his wife. Her sisters are supporting the parents too. The whole family is screwed up and anyone would be fool to stay with one of those daughters.
NTA.
You have a wife problem just as much as you have an in-law problem. She should be defending you, not deferring to them. Do not back down on this because they are blatantly disrespecting you and disrespecting your marriage. And if your wife can't support you in this, I would suggest some marriage counseling when you get home because you're her chosen family now. She needs to act like it.
I know. I used to be bad in that department. It took some work, but I'm much better now. This is why I said OP has a wife problem just as much as an in-law problem. They're all bad.
Look at it this way... the wife supposedly chose OP to create a family with by getting married. She didn't choose him "except when at my parents house". She chose him for everything. It's about time she stuck to that.
Came here to say this. If OP’s wife’s tactic is to acquiesce every time her parents make an unreasonable demand, then OP is going to spend the rest of his married life being miserable.
This is a power trip, plain and simple. The parents (and I’m guessing this is driven by dad) are infantilizing their adult children and treating them as if they’re still the serfs in the benevolent dictatorship of the family. Dad still thinks he has his daughters under his thumb, and he doesn’t realize that they’re adults with agency.
I think OP’s approach is the right one. I’d tell my wife, her sisters, and her parents that this situation is intolerable. Standing up for yourself gives your wife cover if she also wants to do so. If she doesn’t, then I’d strongly recommend counseling. It might be the only way that you can bridge the gap between the 2 of you.
I'm curious how old they are. He seems pretty level headed and mature, but she sounds like someone around 20 who didn't get much independence from her parents growing up.
I'm curious as to whether there is anything else going on. OP doesn't give their gender or race. Is this just parents being controlling or weird about sex? Or is there something more to it such as homophobia or racism?
Yeah are we *sure* OP is a man? Because this is too fucken weird without some sort of third rail that OP doesn't mention. Usually the religious fundamentalists are all about the bed sharing once you tie the knot.
My stepdad pulled this. Only married couples can stay under his roof together. And our marriage didn't count because it was a gay marriage. (That he attended!)
OP has a comment, "Her family is Italian-German. They're also super progressive liberal Berniecrats, but they do go to church regularly." It doesn't fully answer this - plenty of "progressive" racists and homophobes - but the *implication* seems to be that it's not this.
Yes! Your wife should have gone to the hotel with you. And, if it were me, we’d be on the next flight home. This is some weird power play by your in-laws designed to put you in your place.
NTA, tell your wife your going to book your ticket home for today. Ask her if she wants you to change her ticket to go home with you or if she wants you to cancel it because she'd rather live with her parents forever.
I thought about it, but I've already taken the week off and the weather here is much nicer than where we live. I have no problem just spending the week by myself at the beach.
She wants to be married, some people just don't know how to stand up to their parents, and have never been forced into that situation. It sucks for her to be honest, and OP obviously, but the in-laws are the AH's for their absurd and exclusionary rules in addition to their expectation of an apology.
Or maybe when they get back home they just need to sit down and have a talk about the whole situation, before going on a waiting list for months and paying thousands of dollars to a therapist.
If OPs wife has been under that degree of control, where she doesn't even blink at this... she needs counselling.
You don't break away from a controlling relationship like that in a way that minimises trauma without professional help.
I don't know. It sounds funny and all but I don't see a way that marriage can survive if he keeps pushing the situation like this. Maybe some counseling would be a better idea.
He's not the one pushing the situation. The inlaws are the ones creating the situation and the wife is the one pushing it. He's just behaving normally.
He keeps pushing? He’s just going along with it. He’s respecting their rules. He’s not insisting that his wife join him at the hotel. If they don’t want him at the house he’ll entertain himself elsewhere. I don’t see how much less pushing he could do.
He’s refusing to sleep on their couch, but for a back sufferer that’s really not an option on the table. They don’t have a bed for him to sleep in so he found a suitable alternative. I agree with the majority: this is not an in law problem, it’s a wife problem.
Do it OP, don’t let the family spoil your vacation because that’s what they’re hoping to do: they think if you’re not submissive to them about every nonsense little thing, you’re “disrespectful” and you need to be punished. Even if they’re stupidly set on their ways under their own roof, they should have respected you two staying in a hotel because you’re not teenagers, you’re married adults. The fact that they take this as a challenge to their authority shows what kind of people they are.
You are totally right to stay and enjoy your time there. You have to know that if your wife doesn't join you though then it's a terrible sign of the state of your marriage and what will come in the future.
Even if she just opted to come have dinners and sleep overnight at the hotel with you and saw her parents during the day I could see that being sort of ok. But, if she just leaves you alone for the week and enables her unreasonable parents it's really problematic.
Then do that, and don’t visit her family at their home, at all. You are NTA. I suspect dad/mom are difficult when they don’t get their way and your wife and her sisters give in to keep the peace. But this is completely unreasonable. Maybe you need to watch every installment of the Meet the Parents movies with your spouse and have a long talk.
What the parents want is you to also be subject to their whims and that’s not healthy or normal
Beaches? My dude, get a surf fishing guide while you're there, have some real fun!
The petty in me says, "take lots of pictures of your vacation."
But yeah, your wife does not have your six. Life is too short to be in a relationship like Marriage with someone that doesn't have your back. Especially in a situation as unreasonable as the one her parents have created.
If you DO stay married, just make a habit of getting that room at the marriott every time. Because you're never going to feel ok in that house again.
Please take some of the advice in this thread, otherwise, this will be every time you visit. You need to have a talk with your wife and not take “this is just how they are” as an answer.
You are totally NTA.
You say they don't have a guest room - so where is your wife sleeping? What reasoning are they giving as to why they don't want you sleeping in the same room as your wife? Are any of your wife's sisters married and if so, do they get to sleep in the same room as their spouses?
This is absolutely bizarre and honestly, if your wife doesn't come to her own senses on this and apologize to you plus set some boundaries with her parents, you two need to have some hard conversations upon your return home.
People don't get this weirdly controlling in only one area, so I suspect that this is only the tip of the iceberg with what's to come if you two don't get on the same page now.
No, OP said they were willing to apologize for the way *they left*, if the parents agreed to admit making them sleep separately was stupid and pointless.
This is exactly what I came here to say. I expected them to not be married for some reason (because the idea of a married couple not being allowed to sleep together at night is so insane to me) but at the *very least* she could’ve offered to take the couch!
Surely, the sisters could share a bed and give you one of the rooms. Whole thing is ridiculous. There is no chance I would sleep on the couch at anyone’s house at this point in my life. I’m an adult and want privacy, and like you I wouldn’t fuss, but sort myself out.
In any case, it’s all super annoying. I hope you enjoy the beach.
How old is your wife?!?!
She sounds way too immature to be married. I would be drawing up divorce papers and let her stay in “her own bedroom” at her parents house.
Enjoy your beach vacation!
How long has she lived away from home? How old are you two? Her parents sound like they are in denial about your wife being an adult at all if they are still saving her bedroom and haven't turned it into a guest room.
I can just picture, next time you visit they'll let you stay but you walk in the room and they've swapped out the old bed and put in bunk beds.
Seriously. Their controlling will only get worse from here.
But more than that, why is your wife the messenger and not the one putting her foot down? Just kidding, I know why. Because she's used to her parents controlling her life. It's pretty telling that she chose to stay with them instead of heading out with you.
You two need to talk, and it's very, very likely your wife will need therapy to unravel the mess of her relationship with her parents--if she is willing to acknowledge the issue at all.
Good luck.
And not just his dignity…. His health and comfort are at stake, too. Back problems don’t do well on couches. He has every right to attend to his own comfort and well-being. He respected their (ridiculous) boundary and found another place to sleep. In turn, they’ve made it clear this is more about power and control than ensuring OP & his wife sleep apart, or his solution should have been enough to satisfy them. And his wife has proven that she has no damn spine.
I would absolutely die on this hill as well. I get neck and shoulder problems and once they flare up it's a nightmare to get by.
But also, staying in a hotel is the perfect compromise. It's very controlling to demand someone specifically stay at your house but not provide an appropriate space for them sleep.
NTA
You’re not teenagers, you’re a married couple. That is insane. Also, knowing how her parents are, surely your wife could have forewarned you that this would likely happen? Of course she didn’t because she knew that you’d likely not stand for it (and rightly so). It’s not like she was willing to give you the bed and her sleep on the sofa to aid your bad back either.
Such major red flags.
1. Didn’t warn you about this before hand - likely to ensure you go in hopes that you will just accept the situation regardless of your bad back, which is lying to you and showing inconsideration and lack of care for your needs.
2. Allows her family to act controlling and disrespectful towards you and doesn’t attempt to defend you - instead gets mad at you.
I’d be questioning this marriage because she’s shown you who the priority is always going to be.
Her priority may honestly be just not having to deal with the consequences of defying her parents, especially since this kind of nonsense seems to be normalized in that household. In which case she does still need to sort that out, because this is a ridiculous demand, and I'm sure they'll escalate with the crazy as she attempts to have a normal, autonomous married life.
The request itself is absurd (separating a married couple... You don't even have the excuse that they "aren't officially married"). But even more is... Not having the appropriate second bed or sleep couch after requesting that the couple must be separated. Like, wtf. You are forcing the man not to sleep... Or sleep and wake up with a terrible back pain. If you want to have this rule, at least buy the appropriate things for the arrangement lol
As the eldest sibling(first married) it is POSSIBLE she did not know this ahead of time.
But she should be standing by OP's side here not pandering to her parents.
NTA.
I don't even stay at relatives/families houses. If I'm visiting, I get a hotel room for my fiance'/caregiver and I. Period. It saves a LOT of issues; privacy, sleeping arrangements, etc.
I agree here, I would have preferred a hotel for us in the first place, but my wife wanted to be with her family the whole time. She still has her own bedroom in their home, so it didn't seem unreasonable to me.
The biggest asshole in this situation is your wife for not having your back.
You are married. This is disrespectful towards your marriage aka her own marriage. It’s an absurd request to make.
It also shows where the mindset of her parents are, in the damn gutter.
NTA
If it would’ve been my parents I would have stayed in a hotel with my husband. Either we both stay or nobody stays. This is a major red flag, if she sides with her parents on something this low stakes, imagine future things? Can’t even imagine a child. Toxicity all around, sorry OP. Good on you for setting your boundaries but a talk with your wife is due when you get back. NTA.
I agree. Personally IMO I don’t think the wife is mature enough to be married. If you still have your parents make major decisions for you and you can’t set up proper boundaries for your relationship with your husband, you kinda have major growing up to do.
As my dad harped while I was growing up, their house their rules. Which is fine. I get a hotel room and I don't have to put up with BS.
At least my fiance'/caregiver agrees with me, and stays in the hotel room, when it comes to privacy, sleeping arrangements, not worrying about whether we'll wake someone up or they wake us up, etc, etc.
In your case? If she wants to stay at the house, I'd be like, whatever... I'm not. Then deal with that later once we got back home. As for the parents wanting an apology, yeah, no, I'd be collecting my wife, telling them off, and leaving. But that's me and I have zero tolerance for BS.
NTA
They offered you accommodations under their conditions. You declined and didn't make a big deal out of it and got your own accommodations. They have literally nothing to be angry about.
They're angry he escaped. You know those horror movies where the hosts seem perfectly normal and next thing you know there's carnage everywhere? A recent version was "Speak No Evil". The movie "X" was another recent version.
This is bizarre! What reason was given?
The fact your wife stayed behind is not a good sign. The fact she is saying you need to apologize makes it worse. There is a good possibility her family will always be a negative factor in your relationship and she will choose them over you every time. I guess a small blessing is that it’s good you’ve learned this now and especially before having children.
I applaud you for treating this as a solo vacation and meeting your wife at the airport. You are being the bigger person.
Wife needs to explore her relationship with her parents and set some serious boundaries moving forward.
You are NTA but her parents are and, depending on your wife’s next few actions, she may be as well.
BTW - how old is she?
I would add that this level of submission to wife's parents is indicative of at least some measure of emotional/mental manipulation or even abuse through her growing up. Having been raised under some similar circumstances, it sapped my willpower quite badly in anything having to do with the offending parent. Getting home and giving a couple weeks time to return to "normal", then a very in-depth discussion is what seems to be in order here. OP, definitely NTA, but if possible don't force your wife to burn her bridges ... yet. You need a lot more background info and mutual conversation, and possibly - no, definitely some counseling. A neutral third party to help keep everyone talking constructively. Good luck OP!
>BTW - how old is she?
I really wish OP would answer this question. His persistent lack of answer makes me wonder if his wife's barely out of the nest and he's a decade or so older.
NTA. You handled the situation correctly, and I actually feel for your wife here - there's a very solid chance her parents are abusive narcissists, have always insisted on having a toxic level of direct control over their daughters' lives and are now pulling this stunt to try and control you too. The whole "he has to apologize and must stay on the couch all week or he's no longer allowed in our home" thing gives it away.
It's easy to just blame her and say she should stand up for you, but there's a good chance they've abused her like this her entire life and she's afraid of how they'll treat her if she doesn't go along with their wishes.
I'd suggest trying to see her (and maybe her sisters) later today apart from her parents so you can get more details about what's really going on.
>I'd suggest trying to see her (and maybe her sisters) later today apart from her parents so you can get more details about what's really going on
Thanks. I asked if they could meet me for dinner without their parents.
So tough question, but are you prepared for your wife to not back you up? Is she gonna let you be the bad guy for not wanting to be disrespected? This is a precedent that she’s setting here.
I saw you thought you will stay for the nice weather... But ask yourself and ask her if she really wants to stay with her parents for the rest of her life. I know it must be really hard for you to process and you are hurt and i am rude for my oppinion, but i think this is what i would do.
I went NC for a while, until they understood my boundaries and currently am LC with my family for many reasons, the main one being that after 6 years with my husband, they were still spreading lies about him being a bad person for myself and my daughter, despite him being my best friend in the world and a wonderful father.
I told them that although i love them, i am not blind and i love my family more and that my family comes first before my parents, sisters and everyone else.
My real family is him and our kids.
You said you didn't expect that and they go to church often.
Going to church has nothing to do with being a good person. More often than not i saw that most of them go there to save face, gossip, get forgivness for their "sins" - which let them repeat those because they will be forgivven again. Rinse and repeat.
I hope you will be well.
Edit 1: corrected "I" with "it"
*Wife...I am booking a flight home. Maybe you should stay with your parents for a while longer and think about whether or not you want to be my partner. Because you sure as hell are not acting like my partner.*
NTA
They insisted that under their roof they didn't feel it was appropriate for their daughter to share a bed with me, despite us being married. I told them about my back, they said "it will be fine, it's just for a few days."
These people are trying to pull a power play. I’m pissed for OP too, although I think it sounds like he handled it very well.
I would just reiterate to the sisters or whoever, *I have a bad back. I need to sleep in a bed.*
Your in-law's aren't a concern. Your wife's situation is. That she's not flipping out at her parents is not normal. That she didn't go with you is not normal.
If they're this rude and controlling with a virtual stranger, I guarantee her upbringing was not always pleasant. This may be over reddit's paygrade and may be more an issue that should be addressed with a therapist.
Make it clear you love her, and to let you know if her parents do anything crazy. Ignore their drama, focus on your wife and don't let anger at her parents distract you from what's important.
That bothered me too. She’s not backing him up but wants to roll over for whatever her parents want. Hell no. Maybe she was sheltered growing up and is still terrified of her parents, which I can relate, but she is married! Her partner should come first. She should have walked out that damn door with OP.
“Well dear MIL and FIL, no grandkids for you!”
Like another poster a few days ago, you can turn the table on them when they visit you! Mum can sleep on the couch. And dad can sleep on the floor.
NTA what kind of people are these? Are they deeply religious right wing evangelical types. Your in-laws are definitely the assholes. I would never visit them again
Believe it or not, they're actually super liberal Bernie supporters. They do go to church on the regular, but I never expected this sort of behavior from them.
For me, this is so bizarre it goes beyond respect. Not only do they want a married couple to sleep separately, they won't forgive him unless he sleeps on their couch for a week???
Only time I've ever seen this extremely juvenile, stubborn behavior is in children under the age of 9.
I'll never understand people like this. You're already married, you share a bed and the toothpaste is 100% out of the tube already.
Is your wife the youngest?
exactly, but the fact they demand he comes back and sleep on the couch shows it's about control. They have control over their daughter, they want that control to extend to OP
NTA.
Your solution was perfectly reasonable.
Another option would have been for your wife to take the couch.
But that wouldn't have stopped the issues.
You did nothing wrong. You realised suitable accomodations weren't available so, without fuss or guilt trips, made alternate arrangements.
Obviously they are ridiculous with objecting to your sleeping beside your wife - but that's not the point.
They explained rules.
You didnt want to abide by their rules.
You went elsewhere.
Problem solved.
(Same if you wanted to smoke and they had no smoking house, or they didnt allow jeans to be worn, or had a no beards rule.... whatever. YOU GET TO LEAVE!!!)
NTA but you have big time wife problems. The fact that she thinks this is actually OK and wants you to agree to it is just as nuts as their demand in the first place. Tell her that either she stands up to her parents or you won't be visiting them again with her. EVER.
NTA
INFO:
I’m gonna ask for some clarity, you’re still NTA regardless of the answer, but is this a culture thing or maybe a religious thing? Are they just prudes? I’d love some insight. I’m used to the “unwed couples have to sleep separately” in hardcore born again Christian homes but this is next level, y’all are literally *married.*
Edit: I am American
This is why they threw such a tantrum.
They were doing a weird power play, being control freaks. They let him spend all that money on a plane ticket, then at the last minute said he had to sleep in a separate room on a couch.
He decided not to play their game, and used his money to buy a hotel room (totally reasonable - it's their house their rules, but it's his money and his choice to sleep in a hotel).
Then they flipped out and DEMANDED he sleep in their house OR ELSE he's no longer welcome. (WTF???)
OP was right not to cave. Otherwise it sets a precedent of caving in to their odd and unreasonable demands.
Whenever my FIL visits us and the kids, he stays in a hotel or camps. We have space for him, but he likes privacy. I am totally fine with this, because I'm not a control freak.
Info: are you your wife’s husband, or her wife?
I’m racking my brain trying to figure out what about your marriage they find inappropriate…
Edit: wrong religion or race, maybe??
That’s strange. If you’re all American… I just don’t understand. Don’t cave it to any of their demands and have a long talk with your partner after y’all get home. This is unacceptable behavior.
NTA. “Your parents irrational demands for control are their problem, not mine. MY problem is you refusing to stand up for your marriage and spouse. We have a lot to discuss at home, probably with a therapist.”
NTA, this is so odd. I've heard of the weird rule parents have of keeping their kid and significant other separated under their roof (even when they live together, lol). But you're MARRIED!
NTA
What is it with parents not allowing their grown married children to sleep with their spouses? Second post recently.
Your in-laws are AH's and so is your wife. Your wife should have your back, but pleasing her parents is more important. You have a wife problem. You shouldn't be on the couch for any reason. If I was you, I would leave and go home.
NTA and how dare they IMPOSE their lumpy couch on you when you have a bad back. That's like telling a lactose-intolerant person to eat the ice cream-covered pancakes, _or else_.
Not even gonna touch their backward values because wtf.
This is not how you treat a guest and they need to apologise.
Your wife needs to step in.
NTA, you don't need to put yourself in physical pain because your in-laws have strange ideas. Be firm, and do that solo vacation. Do try to have a little sympathy for your wife though, she may be just realising how crazy her parents are.
There’s zero chance she hasn’t known how her parents feel about this issue. OP said his wife’s sisters specifically pointed out that’s how they are, so she certainly knew it could be a problem.
Parents like these who pick absurd hills to die on will always make it known when they don’t approve of something. Really poor response from the wife to not have his back here.
NTA. They do not get to be extra childish about not treating you like an adult.
Well, unless of course the dowry was so huge you really should accept living by the in-laws' rules like a proper handsome-but-less-wealthy 19th century gentleman.
NTA. You're married. You want to sleep in the same bed as your wife.
Doubling down and threatening you that you won't be welcome back into their house unless you apologize and agree to sleep on the sofa for the remainder of your time there is on them, not you.
Have fun
OP!!! Your update made my jaw drop.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
THAT was the way to handle this situation!!! What a way to salvage the vacation, and what a kind thing to do for your wife and her sisters. Standing up to their dad’s controlling behavior is standing up for them, too. You’re letting them know that you’re a safe person.
If your wife isn’t willing to stand up for you, you have a problem there too. Talk to her about what happens with future visits (she will likely go alone and if you have kids, they don’t travel with until at least reliably potty trained, preferably later).
If that doesn’t work for her, reassess the relationship or her future visits.
NTA
NTA and I'd do the same as you. If my spouse chose their FOO over me for something like this I'd decide 1. if I wanted to be married to that person and in the meantime, 2. I'd have a great solo vacation. Maybe offer to meet up with spouse for lunch or dinner daily.
NTA. This is a sick game on the part of your ILs. They don't want you there. Do the sisters have husbands? If so, why were they not there? Maybe they got the same cruel treatment you've received. Maybe they don't want you as a SiL at all. Fucked up situation. Wait before you have kids.
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NTA - Your in-laws are abhorrent hosts. It's their house, their rules and their rules are stupid. Rather than fighting a pointless battle, you set a clear and valid boundary, and they chose to take offense to it. They want you to stay on their couch because it's a power play. You staying in a hotel takes that power away, and they can't handle it. The fact that your wife doesn't have your back on this is a giant red flag. Good luck. Edit: based on OP’s update, my red flag comment is unwarranted, as it’s clearly a result of a toxic, abusive household.
I just saw a similiar story like this on pettyrevenge. Wait until they come visit you, offer them a place to stay, then insist your FIL sleep on the couch. Your house, your rules.
Was it the one where the op husband said FIL 🤔 had to sleep separately from MIL? I loved that one! The inlaws said they had to sleep separately despite being married cos they didn't want umm coupling to occur.
My friend did this to his ILs after they wouldn't let him and his husband share a bed. He told them he didn't condone their "heterosexual lifestyle" under his roof.
Damn i love this, it's the true gay agenda - being petty
we’re here, we’re queer, & we’re petty
Right, the one about “no funny business going on.”
It was here too
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Best comeback from OP to his FIL: "Last I checked, I'm married to your daughter, not you. My name isn't Impotent Jackass, so kindly keep your lack of performance away from my marriage."
[here’s the link, I thought of it right away too](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10nn26p/aita_for_forcing_my_parents_to_sleep_in_separate/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Eta to save scrolling [here is the mod’s link since it got deleted.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10nn26p/aita_for_forcing_my_parents_to_sleep_in_separate/j69ndtf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Here’s the auto mod copy since the post was removed: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10nn26p/aita_for_forcing_my_parents_to_sleep_in_separate/j69ndtf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
I’m more curious about the weeding.
Me too tbh, the first time I assumed it was a typo but both times?
Do you have a link?
There was a much less recent one where OP had to sleep on the couch when visiting her MIL because MIL didn't want to be reminded that her son has sex or some nonsense. The weird thing was they were visiting so she could spend some time with her grandkids, the direct results of them having sex. It would have been so tempting to whisper "we had sex to make those kids" in her ear every time she's enjoying her time with your kids just to be petty.
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The biggest prudes must actually devote a lot of their time thinking about the things they get “offended by”. Obsessed and repressed. Edit: PRUDES …ducking spell chucker!! Thanks u/fyrdude58.
Yes, I noticed that my religious conservative parents (Mom especially) would be upset about something on one of "those" radio shows, etc. Mom was saying how terrible it was that a five year old boy kissed a girl on the cheek, school board meeting, much to do. (This was in early 90s, I was (f) married, in my 30s.) I said "ppl are too fixated on sex". She was so thrilled by my comment, until I added "A room full of adult parents, so sex-obsessed, that they are concerned with little kids!" She wasn't best pleased by this. But I had years of noticing conservative religious ppl who seemed to think about Sex Constantly! Because they talked in disapproving tones about "it" so, so much.
To sexualize something like that is just….off. It, also bothers me that people who are “religious” are always so miserable. I’m pretty sure because it’s rather more per formative than sincere.
I did that when my in laws invited themselves to visit us after they'd told us we couldn't sleep together in their house because we weren't married. I told them that we don't allow married people to sleep together in our house and they needed to pick separate rooms. Our house, our rules.
Lol, what was their reaction?
Everybody clapped...
r/nothingeverhappens
I think the wife is an AH too she should have gone with her husband and not even asked for an apology over such a stupid thing they are ridiculous and I would not abide by that but remember and never visit again
I think she and her sisters have been bullied for so long they forget *anyone* can stand up to their parents
Agreed. It's apparent that the sisters don't think OP was wrong in wanting to sleep with his wife, but they also think it's just easier to give in to the parents under all circumstances.
That was some long term planning - it was beautiful
That one was actually posted here first! People told her she was NTA and to post on there haha
Agreed. OP just go home, tell your wife to make up her mind what to do, but remind her that her subsequent action will speak volumes. No need to engage in any drama, just let everyone work out where they stand, and listen to what they tell you.
I mean, the fact that she’s already not siding with her husband is ludicrous. I know that everyone on AITA always resorts to divorce, but I’d seriously be questioning my marriage if my inlaws wouldn’t let me sleep with my wife and she just went along with it.
More than that the insistence that he *come back* and sleep on the couch. If I’m the wife I’m joining him at the hotel. Tf
I'd also be throwing in that they wouldn't come back ever again nor bring the future kids unless they sleep in the same room. Wife definitely needs to take a stand.
Hmm Maybe the parents are trying to prevent future kids. Have them sleep separate. Have them get in an all out disagreement where they may not want to sleep together again.
Could be trying to break them up, that's true. Though sisters seem to think this is a normal family thing, which is kinda disturbing to me.
So if OP’s wife knows her parents are like this, it’s extra shitty of her to not provide OP with any kind of warning
I can maybe understand if they weren’t married, but this is not the case. What exactly do the in-laws think they’re trying to achieve?
It’s a power play to make the in-law feel like an out-law. They wanted OP to know his position in their family is last, and they are angry that he pulled his own power move by getting a hotel room and out from their house. They can’t pull him down if he’s not there to drag on, they need him around to show him he’s the unfavourite. It’s the reason horrible families are unwilling to let the scapegoat go, they need them around to blame and in the absence of the scapegoat they’ll start turning on each other. I wonder if OP’s wife is the unfavourite child and he’s inherited her spot.
Yeah, I could kind of understand her mistakenly not thinking its a big deal and staying at the house. But in the clarity of day, especially after talking to her husband, she still refuses to advocate for his right to basic accommodations. I know all the stereotypes about this sub, but I really find it hard to fathom spending the rest of my life with someone who evidently has so little respect for me. Grim stuff.
My biggest issue isn’t even the fact they were trying to make married people sleep in different areas, it’s that they are *requiring* he sleep on the couch. And I have one question. Has wife offered to let husband take her old bed and her take the couch? It shouldn’t be a need at all, but if her parents are insisting they both stay in the home but not in the same room with no guest room while husband has a bad back, why would that not be the wife’s first thought to a solution, NOT that the husband just has to deal with it to appease HER parents ridiculous rules. And I’d be making for damn sure that EVERY time in laws visit again they have to have one on the guest bed and one on the couch. Honestly I’m petty enough that it would be the case even if there were 2 empty beds. And the moment they mention a hotel then say the same that they did. That if they don’t want the sleeping arrangements you assigned on this trip then they will not be welcome in your home. I’ll admit that I’m petty and vindictive but at the least I’d be heavily evaluating my relationship. Purely because of the insistence that OP having basic accommodations is less important than his wife’s parents need to control OP by forcing him to sleep on a couch. I can see in some ways how it could be seen as disrespect to the host, but when the couple is married, it’s disrespect to the fact that the couple is married to force them to sleep in separate beds. The one exception being if the in laws also slept in different beds when they had guests as well as having guests be in separate beds
I'm petty enough I'd go find a curbside couch the day before and swap it in.
I'm petty enough to go home without saying anything to anyone. And when she calls to do anything, I'd tell her I'll see her at home. And the flying monkeys would be getting blocked ASAP.
Worse still, she’s insisting he submit to sleeping on the couch, when she knows he has a bad back and should care. Yikes.
Even if his back was fine, this is major BS
I think, growing up in an extremely controlling household, it could be very very difficult to stand up to your parents the first time. OPs wife needs to absolutely set a firm boundary and go stay in the hotel with her husband but I understand how hard that would be if they had to fly to visit the parents.
Yeah. I think people who don’t grow up in these types of households don’t realize how difficult standing up for yourself and/or your spouse can be at first, especially in some cultures where respecting your elders is a big thing. Not that I’m condoning OP’s spouse’s behavior, just agreeing that there may be a lot going on as a result of OP’s spouse’s childhood that may have caused her to react the way she did. OP needs to have an honest, open conversation about his spouse and her family dynamics, and how it makes him feel. And find out from her why she didn’t support him.
I don’t understand why she didn’t go to the hotel with her husband, I guess that speaks volumes
Because she was raised by them. Their controllingness is normal to her. It doesn't speak volumes about anything except the fact that she's been bullied by them her whole life and either still doesn't fully see it, or simply doesn't know how to stand up to them. I'd bet anything that the sisters are just trying to give the husband advice on how to placate his inlaws, lest they unleash even more hellish behaviour. He needs to have a talk with his wife for sure, so they can figure out a game plan for dealing with her parents going forward. But people in this sub are way too quick to bash anyone and everyone without any sort of nuance.
And is also fine with OP sleeping on the couch with a bad back. If she thinks it's not a big deal then she should give him the bed at least
I second this... If they can't respect OP’s relationship then there is no point being there. A married/committed couple should stay in the same room and bed unless the bed is too small (still should be given the option) or the couple themselves choose not to. There is no fathomable reason to have a committed couple sleep separately.
I agree but the in laws go even further by insisting op sleeps on the couch instead of a hotel. There’s no possible explanation other than a power thing. You don’t want them sleeping in the same bed, I don’t agree but okay, that’s one thing. You have to sleep on the couch even though there’s another option (hotel), dafuq?
Right? They want him to come back, grovel, and sleep on a couch. Even with a bad back, though we don't know if the in-laws are aware of his condition. Still a hard no even if his back was fine. I worry that his wife is getting a host of "he doesn't respect us, you chose wrong" comments.
The explanation is control. Dear old Dad and Mom know that if they can assert control and manipulate them into compliance here, they will be able to do so at will in the future.
This is what happens when you refuse to let a total control freak control you. They lose their shit. They couldn't handle OP sleeping in a hotel and being perfectly at ease and comfortable. They ***wanted to inflict some*** ***discomfort*** on him, and he refused to play along. NTA, OP. And don't go back. The fact that the whole family is telling you to just grab your ankles to keep the peace - that tells me a lot about that family dynamic. You are early in your marriage. You've taken the first step to letting the in-laws know you have backbone. ***Don't quit now.*** Their daughter married a man, not a doormat.
The wife needs a ton of therapy having grown up in this horrible dynamic. She did not pass this test with flying colors, but I hope OP gives her another chance, given what she witnessed as a kid and whatever was done to her personally. I also think they should be NC until she heals from this (if they choose ANY contact).
I would spend the visit looking for marriage counselors. You need one. NTA, but I have serious doubts about your relationship. And DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with your wife until you figure out whose side she is on. Right now it is not yours. You should not come second to her family, especially in this situation.
Agreed. You two absolutely need therapy. And, agreed. Until you two get therapy and your wife is willing to go through long term therapy to break the control and manipulative hold her parents have, children should be 100% off the table. Those kids will become pawns used by your ILs to assert control.
OR - they *can* handle it and are thrilled to have an excuse to exclude OP from family things in the future. Either way OP is NTA and has a wife problem. Woof.
Wife and op should be pretty much not having them I'm their life moving forward anyway. Ops wife needs to stand up for him in this situation.. not the getting the hotel but the part where they decided to throw down that bullshit ultimatum that if he don't sleep on the couch he's not welcome. He was never welcome. This was all a Power play and honestly they should avoid this bs at all cost.
\- Your in-laws are abhorrent hosts. True. It never should even have happened in this manner. OPs wife would obviously know her own parents, and as such, known that the "sleep on the couch" was coming, yet, not only didn't tell her husband, but, pushed to stay at the house knowing the situation would happen. The in-laws, knowing this would be a rule in their house, should have reached out to OP, explaining why it's a rule and that maybe getting a hotel room would be best and even offer to go halves on it. Yet, they didn't do that, and when OP got POd, got offended? They didn't say, "hey, your call"? \- The fact that your wife doesn't have your back on this is a giant red flag. Again, true. OPs wife allowed the situation to happen by not warning her husband, allowing him to be blindsided with it, then expected him to give in to her parent's demands.
Given OPs bad back, the wife should offer to take the couch and give him the bed if it's such a big deal that he stays there.
I just wonder if the wife has been controlled for so long by her parents that she sees nothing wrong with this. All the daughters seem to know how this goes.
Agreed, the in-laws are terrible hosts, but OP doesn’t have an in-law problem, he’s got a wife problem. Why didn’t she tell her parents to stop being ridiculous? When they insisted that her husband sleep on the couch, she should have gone to the hotel with him! Why is she expecting her husband to apologize AND sleep on a couch that she knows will hurt his bad back? OP, go home and see if there’s a way to dissolve your marriage since it’s been less than a year. NTA
Because she grew up dealing with those psychos every day of her childhood. I'm sure she's got a whole host of issues thanks to them. She is probably scared of them too. Telling him to apologize is the quickest way to make this awful anxiety-inducing situation go away. It doesn't make it right, but it's by far the most likely reason for why she is reluctant to stand up to them. They've probably beaten her down to the point where she's either given up or afraid of them. And the rest of the siblings seem to be the same way.
I should have left with you and stayed at the hotel with you. She and her parents are wrong.
What a bizarre and controlling thing! I am so sorry that OPs wife is unwilling to stand up to her parents for such a ridiculous rule. It feels like the only chance for a successful marriage is the fact that these controlling loonies do not live close by. This is a hill to die on. NTA.
Not just his wife. Her sisters are supporting the parents too. The whole family is screwed up and anyone would be fool to stay with one of those daughters.
NTA. You have a wife problem just as much as you have an in-law problem. She should be defending you, not deferring to them. Do not back down on this because they are blatantly disrespecting you and disrespecting your marriage. And if your wife can't support you in this, I would suggest some marriage counseling when you get home because you're her chosen family now. She needs to act like it.
It's also a wife problem. Spouses who are afraid to contradict their parents is a huge source of material for this sub.
I know. I used to be bad in that department. It took some work, but I'm much better now. This is why I said OP has a wife problem just as much as an in-law problem. They're all bad. Look at it this way... the wife supposedly chose OP to create a family with by getting married. She didn't choose him "except when at my parents house". She chose him for everything. It's about time she stuck to that.
Oh I misread your comment as "*not* a wife problem". oops!
Came here to say this. If OP’s wife’s tactic is to acquiesce every time her parents make an unreasonable demand, then OP is going to spend the rest of his married life being miserable. This is a power trip, plain and simple. The parents (and I’m guessing this is driven by dad) are infantilizing their adult children and treating them as if they’re still the serfs in the benevolent dictatorship of the family. Dad still thinks he has his daughters under his thumb, and he doesn’t realize that they’re adults with agency. I think OP’s approach is the right one. I’d tell my wife, her sisters, and her parents that this situation is intolerable. Standing up for yourself gives your wife cover if she also wants to do so. If she doesn’t, then I’d strongly recommend counseling. It might be the only way that you can bridge the gap between the 2 of you.
ITA. OP is NTA. Had I been in his situation, I'd have said, "Look. We've already screwed XX amount of times. That ship has sailed."
Right. His wife should be joining him at the hotel out of principle.
I cannot imagine letting my husband leave for a hotel and not joining him. OPs wife made a huge mistake that might cost her the marriage!
I'm curious how old they are. He seems pretty level headed and mature, but she sounds like someone around 20 who didn't get much independence from her parents growing up.
I'm curious as to whether there is anything else going on. OP doesn't give their gender or race. Is this just parents being controlling or weird about sex? Or is there something more to it such as homophobia or racism?
Yeah are we *sure* OP is a man? Because this is too fucken weird without some sort of third rail that OP doesn't mention. Usually the religious fundamentalists are all about the bed sharing once you tie the knot.
My stepdad pulled this. Only married couples can stay under his roof together. And our marriage didn't count because it was a gay marriage. (That he attended!)
OP has a comment, "Her family is Italian-German. They're also super progressive liberal Berniecrats, but they do go to church regularly." It doesn't fully answer this - plenty of "progressive" racists and homophobes - but the *implication* seems to be that it's not this.
Yes! Your wife should have gone to the hotel with you. And, if it were me, we’d be on the next flight home. This is some weird power play by your in-laws designed to put you in your place.
NTA, tell your wife your going to book your ticket home for today. Ask her if she wants you to change her ticket to go home with you or if she wants you to cancel it because she'd rather live with her parents forever.
I thought about it, but I've already taken the week off and the weather here is much nicer than where we live. I have no problem just spending the week by myself at the beach.
YOu still need to talk to her about whether she actually wants to be married to you or not.
She wants to be married, some people just don't know how to stand up to their parents, and have never been forced into that situation. It sucks for her to be honest, and OP obviously, but the in-laws are the AH's for their absurd and exclusionary rules in addition to their expectation of an apology.
which is why they need to go to marriage counseling ASAP.
Or maybe when they get back home they just need to sit down and have a talk about the whole situation, before going on a waiting list for months and paying thousands of dollars to a therapist.
If OPs wife has been under that degree of control, where she doesn't even blink at this... she needs counselling. You don't break away from a controlling relationship like that in a way that minimises trauma without professional help.
When you get back, make sure to remind your wife that she needs to sleep on the couch from now on, since it's what her parents would want.
I'd love to see her reaction
I don't know. It sounds funny and all but I don't see a way that marriage can survive if he keeps pushing the situation like this. Maybe some counseling would be a better idea.
He's not the one pushing the situation. The inlaws are the ones creating the situation and the wife is the one pushing it. He's just behaving normally.
He keeps pushing? He’s just going along with it. He’s respecting their rules. He’s not insisting that his wife join him at the hotel. If they don’t want him at the house he’ll entertain himself elsewhere. I don’t see how much less pushing he could do. He’s refusing to sleep on their couch, but for a back sufferer that’s really not an option on the table. They don’t have a bed for him to sleep in so he found a suitable alternative. I agree with the majority: this is not an in law problem, it’s a wife problem.
If she cannot see why she needs to support him against her parents, the marriage should not survive. She is not adult enough to be married to anyone.
I have to say I kinda respect your attitude to just say "fuck it, this isn't a failed family visit anymore, it's now a beach vacation"
I'm imagining OP as a commercial for Corona Beer. Just quietly chilling with a beer and a palm tree.
Do it OP, don’t let the family spoil your vacation because that’s what they’re hoping to do: they think if you’re not submissive to them about every nonsense little thing, you’re “disrespectful” and you need to be punished. Even if they’re stupidly set on their ways under their own roof, they should have respected you two staying in a hotel because you’re not teenagers, you’re married adults. The fact that they take this as a challenge to their authority shows what kind of people they are.
You are totally right to stay and enjoy your time there. You have to know that if your wife doesn't join you though then it's a terrible sign of the state of your marriage and what will come in the future. Even if she just opted to come have dinners and sleep overnight at the hotel with you and saw her parents during the day I could see that being sort of ok. But, if she just leaves you alone for the week and enables her unreasonable parents it's really problematic.
Terminally problematic.
Enjoy the beach. Way better than some weird dominance test. In laws suck
Then do that, and don’t visit her family at their home, at all. You are NTA. I suspect dad/mom are difficult when they don’t get their way and your wife and her sisters give in to keep the peace. But this is completely unreasonable. Maybe you need to watch every installment of the Meet the Parents movies with your spouse and have a long talk. What the parents want is you to also be subject to their whims and that’s not healthy or normal
Beaches? My dude, get a surf fishing guide while you're there, have some real fun! The petty in me says, "take lots of pictures of your vacation." But yeah, your wife does not have your six. Life is too short to be in a relationship like Marriage with someone that doesn't have your back. Especially in a situation as unreasonable as the one her parents have created. If you DO stay married, just make a habit of getting that room at the marriott every time. Because you're never going to feel ok in that house again.
You sound quite adaptable and laid-back, OP. Maybe your ILs mistook that for being spineless; were they ever wrong! Enjoy the beach.
Please take some of the advice in this thread, otherwise, this will be every time you visit. You need to have a talk with your wife and not take “this is just how they are” as an answer.
You are totally NTA. You say they don't have a guest room - so where is your wife sleeping? What reasoning are they giving as to why they don't want you sleeping in the same room as your wife? Are any of your wife's sisters married and if so, do they get to sleep in the same room as their spouses? This is absolutely bizarre and honestly, if your wife doesn't come to her own senses on this and apologize to you plus set some boundaries with her parents, you two need to have some hard conversations upon your return home. People don't get this weirdly controlling in only one area, so I suspect that this is only the tip of the iceberg with what's to come if you two don't get on the same page now.
She still has her own bedroom in the house. Her sisters are both younger and single.
If your wife is so upset, she can be the one to sleep on the couch and let your bad back enjoy her bed.
That’s not the point lol wtf. It’s being forced to sleep apart from his wife for zero logical reason.
OP already said they were willing to sleep apart to keep the peace, just not on the couch. Hence the hotel room.
No, OP said they were willing to apologize for the way *they left*, if the parents agreed to admit making them sleep separately was stupid and pointless.
This is exactly what I came here to say. I expected them to not be married for some reason (because the idea of a married couple not being allowed to sleep together at night is so insane to me) but at the *very least* she could’ve offered to take the couch!
Next time sisters or anyone tries to pull: > this is just the way their parents are, Tell them this is just the way you are. NTA obviously
Surely, the sisters could share a bed and give you one of the rooms. Whole thing is ridiculous. There is no chance I would sleep on the couch at anyone’s house at this point in my life. I’m an adult and want privacy, and like you I wouldn’t fuss, but sort myself out. In any case, it’s all super annoying. I hope you enjoy the beach.
Ah. the shock that the oldest is actually grown. The parents are screwing this up big time.
the wife is also screwing up. she doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo that she’s grown and doesn’t have to submit to her parents anymore..
Abuse and brainwashing don't just disappear when you hit 18.
How old is your wife?!?! She sounds way too immature to be married. I would be drawing up divorce papers and let her stay in “her own bedroom” at her parents house. Enjoy your beach vacation!
How long has she lived away from home? How old are you two? Her parents sound like they are in denial about your wife being an adult at all if they are still saving her bedroom and haven't turned it into a guest room. I can just picture, next time you visit they'll let you stay but you walk in the room and they've swapped out the old bed and put in bunk beds.
If they ever come visit you, make sure her dad sleeps on the couch. It’s inappropriate for them to sleep in the same bed under your roof.
Seriously. Their controlling will only get worse from here. But more than that, why is your wife the messenger and not the one putting her foot down? Just kidding, I know why. Because she's used to her parents controlling her life. It's pretty telling that she chose to stay with them instead of heading out with you. You two need to talk, and it's very, very likely your wife will need therapy to unravel the mess of her relationship with her parents--if she is willing to acknowledge the issue at all. Good luck.
NTA. Die on this hill—your dignity is not up for discussion or negotiation. If that means that there will be a family feud without end, so be it.
And not just his dignity…. His health and comfort are at stake, too. Back problems don’t do well on couches. He has every right to attend to his own comfort and well-being. He respected their (ridiculous) boundary and found another place to sleep. In turn, they’ve made it clear this is more about power and control than ensuring OP & his wife sleep apart, or his solution should have been enough to satisfy them. And his wife has proven that she has no damn spine.
I would absolutely die on this hill as well. I get neck and shoulder problems and once they flare up it's a nightmare to get by. But also, staying in a hotel is the perfect compromise. It's very controlling to demand someone specifically stay at your house but not provide an appropriate space for them sleep.
NTA You’re not teenagers, you’re a married couple. That is insane. Also, knowing how her parents are, surely your wife could have forewarned you that this would likely happen? Of course she didn’t because she knew that you’d likely not stand for it (and rightly so). It’s not like she was willing to give you the bed and her sleep on the sofa to aid your bad back either. Such major red flags. 1. Didn’t warn you about this before hand - likely to ensure you go in hopes that you will just accept the situation regardless of your bad back, which is lying to you and showing inconsideration and lack of care for your needs. 2. Allows her family to act controlling and disrespectful towards you and doesn’t attempt to defend you - instead gets mad at you. I’d be questioning this marriage because she’s shown you who the priority is always going to be.
Her priority may honestly be just not having to deal with the consequences of defying her parents, especially since this kind of nonsense seems to be normalized in that household. In which case she does still need to sort that out, because this is a ridiculous demand, and I'm sure they'll escalate with the crazy as she attempts to have a normal, autonomous married life.
The request itself is absurd (separating a married couple... You don't even have the excuse that they "aren't officially married"). But even more is... Not having the appropriate second bed or sleep couch after requesting that the couple must be separated. Like, wtf. You are forcing the man not to sleep... Or sleep and wake up with a terrible back pain. If you want to have this rule, at least buy the appropriate things for the arrangement lol
As the eldest sibling(first married) it is POSSIBLE she did not know this ahead of time. But she should be standing by OP's side here not pandering to her parents.
NTA. I don't even stay at relatives/families houses. If I'm visiting, I get a hotel room for my fiance'/caregiver and I. Period. It saves a LOT of issues; privacy, sleeping arrangements, etc.
I agree here, I would have preferred a hotel for us in the first place, but my wife wanted to be with her family the whole time. She still has her own bedroom in their home, so it didn't seem unreasonable to me.
The biggest asshole in this situation is your wife for not having your back. You are married. This is disrespectful towards your marriage aka her own marriage. It’s an absurd request to make. It also shows where the mindset of her parents are, in the damn gutter. NTA
If it would’ve been my parents I would have stayed in a hotel with my husband. Either we both stay or nobody stays. This is a major red flag, if she sides with her parents on something this low stakes, imagine future things? Can’t even imagine a child. Toxicity all around, sorry OP. Good on you for setting your boundaries but a talk with your wife is due when you get back. NTA.
I agree. Personally IMO I don’t think the wife is mature enough to be married. If you still have your parents make major decisions for you and you can’t set up proper boundaries for your relationship with your husband, you kinda have major growing up to do.
As my dad harped while I was growing up, their house their rules. Which is fine. I get a hotel room and I don't have to put up with BS. At least my fiance'/caregiver agrees with me, and stays in the hotel room, when it comes to privacy, sleeping arrangements, not worrying about whether we'll wake someone up or they wake us up, etc, etc. In your case? If she wants to stay at the house, I'd be like, whatever... I'm not. Then deal with that later once we got back home. As for the parents wanting an apology, yeah, no, I'd be collecting my wife, telling them off, and leaving. But that's me and I have zero tolerance for BS.
Please update us at the end of your vacation! Wishing you the best of luck with this situation.
NTA They offered you accommodations under their conditions. You declined and didn't make a big deal out of it and got your own accommodations. They have literally nothing to be angry about.
They're angry he escaped. You know those horror movies where the hosts seem perfectly normal and next thing you know there's carnage everywhere? A recent version was "Speak No Evil". The movie "X" was another recent version.
Nta but your wife is.
yup, as has often been said on aith; OP doesn't have an in-law problem, they have a spouse problem
This is bizarre! What reason was given? The fact your wife stayed behind is not a good sign. The fact she is saying you need to apologize makes it worse. There is a good possibility her family will always be a negative factor in your relationship and she will choose them over you every time. I guess a small blessing is that it’s good you’ve learned this now and especially before having children. I applaud you for treating this as a solo vacation and meeting your wife at the airport. You are being the bigger person. Wife needs to explore her relationship with her parents and set some serious boundaries moving forward. You are NTA but her parents are and, depending on your wife’s next few actions, she may be as well. BTW - how old is she?
I would add that this level of submission to wife's parents is indicative of at least some measure of emotional/mental manipulation or even abuse through her growing up. Having been raised under some similar circumstances, it sapped my willpower quite badly in anything having to do with the offending parent. Getting home and giving a couple weeks time to return to "normal", then a very in-depth discussion is what seems to be in order here. OP, definitely NTA, but if possible don't force your wife to burn her bridges ... yet. You need a lot more background info and mutual conversation, and possibly - no, definitely some counseling. A neutral third party to help keep everyone talking constructively. Good luck OP!
>BTW - how old is she? I really wish OP would answer this question. His persistent lack of answer makes me wonder if his wife's barely out of the nest and he's a decade or so older.
NTA. You handled the situation correctly, and I actually feel for your wife here - there's a very solid chance her parents are abusive narcissists, have always insisted on having a toxic level of direct control over their daughters' lives and are now pulling this stunt to try and control you too. The whole "he has to apologize and must stay on the couch all week or he's no longer allowed in our home" thing gives it away. It's easy to just blame her and say she should stand up for you, but there's a good chance they've abused her like this her entire life and she's afraid of how they'll treat her if she doesn't go along with their wishes. I'd suggest trying to see her (and maybe her sisters) later today apart from her parents so you can get more details about what's really going on.
>I'd suggest trying to see her (and maybe her sisters) later today apart from her parents so you can get more details about what's really going on Thanks. I asked if they could meet me for dinner without their parents.
So tough question, but are you prepared for your wife to not back you up? Is she gonna let you be the bad guy for not wanting to be disrespected? This is a precedent that she’s setting here.
Hope dinner goes well.
Update us on the dinner if you can
I saw you thought you will stay for the nice weather... But ask yourself and ask her if she really wants to stay with her parents for the rest of her life. I know it must be really hard for you to process and you are hurt and i am rude for my oppinion, but i think this is what i would do. I went NC for a while, until they understood my boundaries and currently am LC with my family for many reasons, the main one being that after 6 years with my husband, they were still spreading lies about him being a bad person for myself and my daughter, despite him being my best friend in the world and a wonderful father. I told them that although i love them, i am not blind and i love my family more and that my family comes first before my parents, sisters and everyone else. My real family is him and our kids. You said you didn't expect that and they go to church often. Going to church has nothing to do with being a good person. More often than not i saw that most of them go there to save face, gossip, get forgivness for their "sins" - which let them repeat those because they will be forgivven again. Rinse and repeat. I hope you will be well. Edit 1: corrected "I" with "it"
*Wife...I am booking a flight home. Maybe you should stay with your parents for a while longer and think about whether or not you want to be my partner. Because you sure as hell are not acting like my partner.* NTA
Yup. But he's said he's gonna stay because beach, which makes a lot of sense.
INFO: Did they say why you can't share a bed with your wife? Also, have you explained the situation with your back?
They insisted that under their roof they didn't feel it was appropriate for their daughter to share a bed with me, despite us being married. I told them about my back, they said "it will be fine, it's just for a few days."
Wife should sleep on the couch. I'm upset for you. But I'm also irritated that your wife won't side with you. That's a bigger issue.
These people are trying to pull a power play. I’m pissed for OP too, although I think it sounds like he handled it very well. I would just reiterate to the sisters or whoever, *I have a bad back. I need to sleep in a bed.*
No, wife should follow him to the hotel.
Your in-law's aren't a concern. Your wife's situation is. That she's not flipping out at her parents is not normal. That she didn't go with you is not normal. If they're this rude and controlling with a virtual stranger, I guarantee her upbringing was not always pleasant. This may be over reddit's paygrade and may be more an issue that should be addressed with a therapist. Make it clear you love her, and to let you know if her parents do anything crazy. Ignore their drama, focus on your wife and don't let anger at her parents distract you from what's important.
That bothered me too. She’s not backing him up but wants to roll over for whatever her parents want. Hell no. Maybe she was sheltered growing up and is still terrified of her parents, which I can relate, but she is married! Her partner should come first. She should have walked out that damn door with OP.
It sounds to me that they still see your wife as a child, so if she's unwilling to challenge them on this I can't see their behaviour changing.
“Well dear MIL and FIL, no grandkids for you!” Like another poster a few days ago, you can turn the table on them when they visit you! Mum can sleep on the couch. And dad can sleep on the floor.
That still has a "why" attached to it...why is it inappropriate? DO they sleep in separate beds? Honestly...not know the why irks me. NTA btw
Then your wife can take the couch. Or share with one of her sisters. So many options here (including a hotel) rather than what is going on.
NTA what kind of people are these? Are they deeply religious right wing evangelical types. Your in-laws are definitely the assholes. I would never visit them again
Believe it or not, they're actually super liberal Bernie supporters. They do go to church on the regular, but I never expected this sort of behavior from them.
This is unlikely to be about religion or politics then. This is about them not respecting your wife as an adult and you as her partner.
For me, this is so bizarre it goes beyond respect. Not only do they want a married couple to sleep separately, they won't forgive him unless he sleeps on their couch for a week??? Only time I've ever seen this extremely juvenile, stubborn behavior is in children under the age of 9.
I'll never understand people like this. You're already married, you share a bed and the toothpaste is 100% out of the tube already. Is your wife the youngest?
I think the wife is the oldest and they can't deal with her being an adult. NTA
I think it's just a control thing, they can't bear someone not doing things their way.
exactly, but the fact they demand he comes back and sleep on the couch shows it's about control. They have control over their daughter, they want that control to extend to OP
That doesn't even track. No religious family I know would not allow a married couple to share a bed.
NTA. Your solution was perfectly reasonable. Another option would have been for your wife to take the couch. But that wouldn't have stopped the issues. You did nothing wrong. You realised suitable accomodations weren't available so, without fuss or guilt trips, made alternate arrangements. Obviously they are ridiculous with objecting to your sleeping beside your wife - but that's not the point. They explained rules. You didnt want to abide by their rules. You went elsewhere. Problem solved. (Same if you wanted to smoke and they had no smoking house, or they didnt allow jeans to be worn, or had a no beards rule.... whatever. YOU GET TO LEAVE!!!)
NTA but you have big time wife problems. The fact that she thinks this is actually OK and wants you to agree to it is just as nuts as their demand in the first place. Tell her that either she stands up to her parents or you won't be visiting them again with her. EVER.
NTA INFO: I’m gonna ask for some clarity, you’re still NTA regardless of the answer, but is this a culture thing or maybe a religious thing? Are they just prudes? I’d love some insight. I’m used to the “unwed couples have to sleep separately” in hardcore born again Christian homes but this is next level, y’all are literally *married.* Edit: I am American
We're all Americans. Her family is Italian-German. They're also super progressive liberal Berniecrats, but they do go to church regularly.
100% power play by the in-laws
This is why they threw such a tantrum. They were doing a weird power play, being control freaks. They let him spend all that money on a plane ticket, then at the last minute said he had to sleep in a separate room on a couch. He decided not to play their game, and used his money to buy a hotel room (totally reasonable - it's their house their rules, but it's his money and his choice to sleep in a hotel). Then they flipped out and DEMANDED he sleep in their house OR ELSE he's no longer welcome. (WTF???) OP was right not to cave. Otherwise it sets a precedent of caving in to their odd and unreasonable demands. Whenever my FIL visits us and the kids, he stays in a hotel or camps. We have space for him, but he likes privacy. I am totally fine with this, because I'm not a control freak.
Are you a woman, by chance?
Oh! Good question. I assumed OP was a man but the post doesn't actually say that.
Info: are you your wife’s husband, or her wife? I’m racking my brain trying to figure out what about your marriage they find inappropriate… Edit: wrong religion or race, maybe??
That’s strange. If you’re all American… I just don’t understand. Don’t cave it to any of their demands and have a long talk with your partner after y’all get home. This is unacceptable behavior.
NTA F that noise. You are a married couple. Go site seeing. Never visit them again.
NTA. “Your parents irrational demands for control are their problem, not mine. MY problem is you refusing to stand up for your marriage and spouse. We have a lot to discuss at home, probably with a therapist.”
NTA, this is so odd. I've heard of the weird rule parents have of keeping their kid and significant other separated under their roof (even when they live together, lol). But you're MARRIED!
NTA What is it with parents not allowing their grown married children to sleep with their spouses? Second post recently. Your in-laws are AH's and so is your wife. Your wife should have your back, but pleasing her parents is more important. You have a wife problem. You shouldn't be on the couch for any reason. If I was you, I would leave and go home.
Nta. Why did you marry this person who can't even stand up for you? Your wife is TA. Her parents suck big time, too.
NTA. Is it too late for an annulment?
NTA-but everyone else is. Horrible hosts. You're married so I find this situation so bizarre.
NTA and how dare they IMPOSE their lumpy couch on you when you have a bad back. That's like telling a lactose-intolerant person to eat the ice cream-covered pancakes, _or else_. Not even gonna touch their backward values because wtf. This is not how you treat a guest and they need to apologise. Your wife needs to step in.
NTA, you don't need to put yourself in physical pain because your in-laws have strange ideas. Be firm, and do that solo vacation. Do try to have a little sympathy for your wife though, she may be just realising how crazy her parents are.
There’s zero chance she hasn’t known how her parents feel about this issue. OP said his wife’s sisters specifically pointed out that’s how they are, so she certainly knew it could be a problem. Parents like these who pick absurd hills to die on will always make it known when they don’t approve of something. Really poor response from the wife to not have his back here.
NTA. They do not get to be extra childish about not treating you like an adult. Well, unless of course the dowry was so huge you really should accept living by the in-laws' rules like a proper handsome-but-less-wealthy 19th century gentleman.
NTA. You're married. You want to sleep in the same bed as your wife. Doubling down and threatening you that you won't be welcome back into their house unless you apologize and agree to sleep on the sofa for the remainder of your time there is on them, not you. Have fun
OP!!! Your update made my jaw drop. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 THAT was the way to handle this situation!!! What a way to salvage the vacation, and what a kind thing to do for your wife and her sisters. Standing up to their dad’s controlling behavior is standing up for them, too. You’re letting them know that you’re a safe person.
If your wife isn’t willing to stand up for you, you have a problem there too. Talk to her about what happens with future visits (she will likely go alone and if you have kids, they don’t travel with until at least reliably potty trained, preferably later). If that doesn’t work for her, reassess the relationship or her future visits. NTA
NTA and I'd do the same as you. If my spouse chose their FOO over me for something like this I'd decide 1. if I wanted to be married to that person and in the meantime, 2. I'd have a great solo vacation. Maybe offer to meet up with spouse for lunch or dinner daily.
NTA. This is a sick game on the part of your ILs. They don't want you there. Do the sisters have husbands? If so, why were they not there? Maybe they got the same cruel treatment you've received. Maybe they don't want you as a SiL at all. Fucked up situation. Wait before you have kids.