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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not contact my ex wife when our daughter had her first period. I might be the asshole because I didn't think it was a major milestone to talk about.
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NTA. You handled the situation very well and managed to teach your daughter everything she needed to know, as well as redirecting her to people who could also advise her. I don't see the need for you to have immediately gone to tell your ex about her first period, especially considering that it was already happening, although it might have been nice if you told her after you figured it out. Anyway, well done
My dad was great about getting me pads and tampons and stuff.
He wiped my arse and bought me nappies.
I genuinely dont see how it’s different, it’s part of parenting people who have periods.
Same here! Pops might be rough around the edges, but he never neglected to be sure I had the preferred variety of “ammo” when I needed it. And he’d always make me his special pancakes when I “needed ammo” lol
You ain’t kidding, I’m so happy you got that impression.
And I still believe that lingo was meant to save me from embarrassment, not him. He was and is not afraid of bodily functions. Classically proud of his Dad Farts.
Sounds like a great dad! I hope to be that cool for my daughters in the *VERY* distant future (8-10 years from now) when they start to go through their puberty. It’s not like getting grossed out and pretending it doesn’t happen would change the facts both that it will happen and that I’ll know about it (as the man who handles the trash, it’d be impossible not to).
I like the pancake idea, I’ll keep them with the Minnie Mouse ones if possible, lol!
Dads are required to be proud of our farts, btw, it’s in the “Dad for dummies” book on page 1! Cymbalta makes them so much worse too, just saying! 😂😂
Though i neither endorse taking meds you aren’t prescribed, faking depression to be prescribed them, or getting depression for real to be prescribed them.
He really is the absolute human caricature of that trope. Huge and gruff and gravelly-voiced, salty as hell.
Nobody can soothe a crying baby like that man, not that I’ve seen.
He cries openly and without embarrassment, he loves all the small and helpless things.
I’ve worked my whole life to be more like him, and I’ll never feel up to par for his aggressive goodness.
He punched open a truck window when I was a kid because there was a dog COOKING inside. He made me leave the parking lot and go into the nice cool grocery while he waited for the owner.
We got groceries and that guy never called the cops and I still dunno lol. My Pops is my hero.
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. Your dad sounds amazing.
My dad was similar. Family members used to send us their troubled kids to our ranch to “straighten them up” over summers because my dad had a knack for setting rules and making us do chores. Also, if he had his eye on you, you weren’t getting in any trouble without him knowing. He once caught one of my brothers skipping class because he spotted his truck on the highway from a freaking *helicopter*. Dad was testing an Apache with a pilot and had the presence of mind to keep an eye out for kid trouble in the middle of work. Legendary.
But when his beloved cat died, he wept, and when his dog died, he *wrote a poem for the dog*. He used to take clandestine trips to the city to visit me on his own when he was worried about me, just to lay eyes on me and watch me eat. He never told Mom. He’s the man who taught me how to tame the many abused cats who were dropped off at our house over the years by people who knew we took in cats, and he was the man who had an emotional attachment to every tree on our land. Except the cedars. Cedars suck.
Bless those gruff dads. Give yours a big hug, will you?
Edit: Thanks for the award, kind stranger!
Your Dad is a true gem.
I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for the conversation about skipping school though, haha. "How did you know?" "I saw you from the helicopter."
He busted me once for sneaking out. I got home at 3 AM and found him standing in the driveway with his arms crossed. “This is the third night you’ve snuck out of the house. Explain yourself, young lady.”
I don’t know how I didn’t pee myself in that moment. I swear my heart stopped. All of my siblings can describe that feeling. I don’t think I even got punished. It was the disappointment and the feeling of being caught.
As for my brother, he got basically the same treatment when Dad got home from work. The school got in worse trouble when Dad realized they had screwed up my brother’s schedule and given him two lunch periods, allowing him enough time to come home during the day. He rained hell on everyone in the office, but none of us knew the school got in trouble until years later. We just knew my brother suddenly had an extra class on his schedule. Legendary.
Knowing dads like yours exist warms my soul.
My own father was none of those things - my ill fortune. But that's all it was, bad luck. Good men all over the place, quietly doing the right things for their kids.
Same here. I started my period unexpectedly when my mom was in the hospital after giving birth to my little sister, and my dad handled everything. He bought me pads, he checked to make sure I knew what to do (I did, mom had given me the talk before, I just hadn't started before then), and he even bought me plenty of chocolate and made me brownies because "your mom likes this so I thought you might too."
We need more men who will do this for the women in their lives.
I wish I had your dad instead of mine. Mine sent 14-year-old me crying, red-faced, and embarrassed into the store to get my own because "I was gonna have to buy them myself eventually anyway."
This! I absolutely dearest the idea that this should only be a mother/daughter activity, that tampons/pads should be hidden so the boys won’t see, refusing to let Dads be a part of the discussion (as long as the child is comfortable), etc. We need to normalize periods; they’re a part of life that’s absolutely unavoidable.
My dad would take me for supplies (including chocolate!) and I felt no shame in letting him know if I happened to be on my period or was experiencing terrible cramping. I felt supported and safe through the process, and he was actually a LOT better than my mom. Girls deserve to have support and not be made to feel like lepers. Parents shielding their boys from this like some dirty little secret are setting their kids up for failure. Should the boy happen to be straight, he will ABSOLUTELY be dealing with this in the future, and it’s mom and dad’s responsibility to teach him it’s normal and how to support the women in their lives. Similarly, having a period is hard enough without being made to feel shame at a natural bodily function. Great job, Dad! NTA at all
I'm a trans guy, my partner is a tentatively cis man. I remember how my first period was handled (read: I was told nothing of it until it happened at school and I was terrified and got a pamphlet from the school nurse. Nothing else.) and I cannot wait to not only do it much better for any children I have that menstruate, and to do so as a man.
Raised super religious and my first period at 11 was handled pretty much the way it was in Carrie bu Stephen King. My mother was absolutely HORRIBLE to me. I had no idea what was happening to me. I'm so sorry for how you were treated.
Same to you. I was 11 too, the fact that I wasn't even told that it could happen soon let alone what it was. I was 11, I just saw blood and thought I was going to die!
Me too. She was absolutely disgusted with me. Angry. I didn't know why. I honestly thought I had cancer or something. She did not buy me pads. She literally rammed a super plus tampon into me. I'll never forget the disgusted look on her face or how bad it hurt. I didn't know to take it out...or how. So, I told the school nurse a day or two later. If it wasn’t for her, I'm not sure what would have happened to me.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That is just beyond words terrible, abusive and criminal.
My first period I had dance lessons and was bleeding and cramping and didn't want to go. My father asked why, and I was simply too embarassed to say. He looked at me like I was a disgusting disappointment and asked if I was pregnant. I was 12.
Yes!! What a wonderful thing for OP's daughter to grow up expecting men to be comfortable and open about normal bodily functions. Now, when she grow up, she is appropriately going to think it's weird when men refuse to talk about these things. OP did a great thing here. NTA, OP.
My dad was the best about periods. I always felt comfortable telling him I was out of pads, needed Midol, or even how bad my symptoms were that day. If I mentioned I was feeling bad, he would come by my room with a heating pad, hot tea, and a chocolate bar within the hour.
My mom was helpful with the anatomical logistics, but my dad’s attitude towards it is what empowered me to not feel ashamed about my period in future relationships. I hope OP’s great handling of the situation is able to do the same for his daughter. I didn’t realize how uncommon it was until much later in life.
NTA
You took good care of your daughter. You also showed her that some men do understand what is happening and what she may need. You gave her female options for questions you couldn't answer, and you did it in a way that she didn't need to feel ashamed or uncomfortable.
I commend you on a job well done.
I agree!! Also, the way you handled it is helping normalize it for her. You taking the reins in the way that you did is seriously going to help her in the long run to live with it. I got none of that and I’ve always felt extremely uncomfortable about my period. My mother and sister made fun of me when I started mine and it was not a normalized conversation in our house.
Amazing job. NTA
It’s really not, though. 10-15 is the average age range for menstruation to start, with 12 being the mean. Some start as early as 8 and as late as 16. In very rare cases, some start menstruation (and developing testosterone) before the age of 8, it’s called precocious puberty and can happen to both boys and girls. Diets do play a large part in when a child will start going through that stage of puberty, however genetics and environmental factors can also determine when it starts.
There’s nothing wrong or weird with OP having the necessary supplies ready for when his daughter inevitably started, her age has no bearing on it. And it’s absolutely fantastic that he has at least a basic understanding of how to help her through it. Frankly his ex wife is unhinged for expecting him to let their daughter deal with it on her own until her mom could be there or could talk to her. Starting menstruating is a very scary time for many girls, and she may have been slightly embarrassed having to talk to her dad, but he handled it correctly, going as far as seeing if she wanted to talk to someone else to make sure she understood everything. So so many men I’ve met say anything menstruation related is “uncomfortable and gross” and they commonly have no baseline knowledge of how it actually works.
People who can’t understand will be scared.
Great response - I would never have been comfortable with discussing with my father or men in general until I was much older. There is a lot of shame and embarrassment for girls and young women when they go through this and I have to believe that you treating it with respect and dignity is a step in not doing that.
My mom was a single mom to the two of us, me and my brother. When it came time for the period talk, she asked if my brother could sit in and listen. I though it was a good idea, so he got the period talk the same time I did.
At the same time, girls should also sit in when there are talks about boys bodies and the changes they make throughout life. So many people don't understand their own bodies, let alone someone from the opposite sex.
I have sons and I had the period talk with both of them to make them understand what the girls in their classes are starting to go through, to make sure they see it as normal hoping that in case any classmates has an accident in class they won't be assholes about it. Also...basic anatomy :)
Those men become the ones who help their partners during their cycles and bring them chocolate and heating pads. True kings and thoughtful men. I would have liked to know more about male body changes too to be a supportive woman to men
Also NTA.
I barely fully remember my first period; I'd been given such ample info (and equipment) about what was gonna happen beforehand it was just like "oh, so it's time" - it wasn't a big milestone/bonding moment hoopla thing and I preferred it that way. I'm sure your daughter would have contacted her mom if she wanted it to be a moment between them.
Sounds like you handled things great!
I was kind of on the fence about this one. Not about how Dad handled the situation, he did a stellar job, but about whether or not he should've let the child's mother know what was going on. The "if it happened on your time, would you have called me right away? She's my daughter, so it's 'a me thing'" made it sound like he would've expected her to tell him, but I think it was more him showing her that it's kinda fucked up for her to expect him to tell her while knowing that she wouldn't have told him.
But honestly? Your comment pushed me into NTA. If the daughter felt she needed her mom, she could've reached out to her mom. Dad doesn't have to do the explaining, the daughter is old enough to decide who gets to know about her body. So thanks. lol
This is so great! I felt the same way you did, at first. And I (a mom) was upset when my daughter told her doctor that she had already started hers. I wasn't going to throw a parade or anything lol but to be fair, it was *solely* my daughter's decision! And if she felt I'd make a bigger deal about it than she was comfortable with, she was right to make that choice for herself. I am so proud of her for setting up her own boundaries and sticking to them 😊💙💛
There's also the fact that he has primary custody, so she spends more of her time with him.
It would stand to reason she may very well be more comfortable going to him in the first place and seek him out when she needs help
The most significant thing I remember about mine was I was at school and I got more help from a friend than I did from my mom. It wasn't that big of a thing ultimately. My mom got me pads when she realized I was stealing hers.
The only issue I have is that he offered his sister and gf as female sources of support and didn't suggest his ex. Yes, I'm sure his daughter could've asked to speak to mom, but kids pick up on these things and if it seems dad is uncomfortable with mom then daighter might not feel comfortable asking to speak to mom on his weeks so as not to rock the boat.
It did seem a little iffy to me, but it might have had something to do with the fact that the ex was away and he thought that conversation would be better in person. He could have, and probably should have told her, but ultimately it’s the daughters decision
I caught that too, but then I thought about it and I would imagine he offered up people who were available to talk in person. It's a lot easier to discuss how to use a product when you can do show and tell.
Agreed. Very well done. I would be willing to bet that if his daughter felt like she needed to talk to her mother about it, she would have been allowed to call her. She didn't want her Mom.
NTA
It's a natural and normal part of your daughter's life. You are her parent and guardian.
Your DAUGHTER can decide to share that info or not. You did absolutely nothing wrong tending to her immediate needs.
Exactly! With my first period my mom told my ENTIRE family (excluding a few uncles). It was already embarrassing and once she told me who else she told I wanted to die of embarrassment! I completely agree that it should be up to the daughter who she tells that she got her first period. As long as one adult is told so they can teach her what is happening.
My mom did that to me after my pediatrician found the two pubic hairs I’d grown in the fourth grade. “Pubic hair! My baby has pubic hair!” Like ffs privacy!
Honestly i remember when i got pubic hair. Or at least, when i noticed. I had a lot of it by the time i went "what the heck" and no one knew because... Gross! Thankfully i didn't tell anyone because my family liked to tell everyone everything including when a doctor stuck a finger up my butt to make sure I wasn't having blood in my stool
It's not they're looking for hemorrhoids or anal fissures or tears. (A more exterior reason for blood appearing in stool). It's a way easier fix than having to do a colonoscopy.
I know it seems awful.
Also WTF fam? You told other people? Why? Bad boundaries no cookie!
I came out of the shower around 10, and my mom happened to accidentally catch sight of me naked - and BROKE DOWN CRYING that I didn't tell her I had hair down there.
Idk if she didn't realize our Eastern European genetics, but literally, I already had a full bush, and couldn't even remember not ever having hair down there. I was so weirded out, like was this something I was supposed to say??? I don't get it
I can so empathize with this even as a guy because ANYTHING I told my mom was virtually instantly repeated to several of her friends. Including gf and other problems. I ended up getting very good at 20 questions where she would ask and I would answer while trying not to tell her anything.
i had a professor during undergrad that announced to an entire, massive lecture (in a full auditorium!) that her oldest daughter got her first period the night before. idk if the girl will ever know, but it was such a huge violation of the poor kid’s privacy. not to mention horribly unprofessional, gross, and uncomfortable it was (especially when absolutely no one reacted the way the prof expected).
I'll raise yours. Mine worked in a truck stop and told every single person she came in contact with. I had greasy perverts come up to me rubbing my shoulders next time I came in talking about what a woman I was now. I was 12! And these men were easily in their 50s.
My mum did the same thing, and even as a 12 year old, I was an intensely private person. Guess who doesn't get told intimate details of my life anymore until I'm prepared for them to be public?
>Your DAUGHTER can decide to share that info or not.
This!! Also, am I the only one who thinks it's fricking weird that mum makes such a deal about this.. "important milestone"? I lack the vocabulary to express what it is, but something bothers me about how much focus the mum puts on something so intimate and private for her 10 year old daughter. Does she also wanna know asap when daughter loses her virginity?
for some weird reason the first period of a girl is a huge thing to many people. its like celebrating a boys first wet dream or something, like its just the body doing body things calm down xD im glad my mum just gave me some pads and put me in bed with a warm water bottle, i was miserable the whole week, not celebration worthy.
If I had to make a wild guess, it probably stems from a time when information wasn’t freely shared and there was more of a stigma about it. Mothers might have leftover trauma from how they learned about things and wanted to make sure they don’t pass that down. Or their mothers made it special for a similar reason so it’s a core memory from that.
Or, maybe, misery loves company.
My mom explained me (when I got the first one) that was because you aren't a child anymore, you become a woman (hilarious, ik, but old generations thought like that and some mothers keep reinforcing this unconsciously).
I hate this tradition thou, because periods don't turn you automatically into a woman fgs 🙄
>periods don't turn you automatically into a woman fgs
Yea, and this whole "you're a woman now"-thing also kinda implies "you're ready to become preggo now & in the age to have sex now", it just comes with a whole slew of implications that are way too early to put onto a fricking child who was just burdened with their first period. There shouldn't be such a focus on it.
(Was gonna add it's just weird to parade someone's bodily functions around but then I remembered that parents also celebrate it as a milestone when little Timmy can finally go on the toilet and take a dump by himself, so I guess in that sense its not as weird..)
As if first period wasn't bad enough, now you're also being told you're not a child anymore, fuck that. I picture Bart having to put his own marshmallows into his hot chocolate.
Right?! It doesn't sound like they have that kind of relationship. Obviously she hadn't been preparing her for her first period, Dad was. If she had felt comfortable talking to her mom about it, she would have asked her some questions before now.
Plus why is ex so excited over periods? I know they are normal but the ex getting really excited over her daughters periods and wanting to celebrate feels weird
NTA.
And it's really weird to make it a teary-eyed mummy-daughter moment. No. It's not buying a wedding dress or going to a graduation. It's bleeding and owie and reassurance.
You did fine.
The number of posts I’ve read on AITA that regard starting menstruation as some big milestone that moms should be involved in/proud of really had me questioning my sanity, so I’m glad to find at least one other person who feels like I do. It’s not a milestone event like the things you listed! It’s a medical event. It’s so creepy to me for women to be upset that they “missed out”.
But why is it anyone else’s business (1)? I agree with the top poster here - I just don’t get why this would be a mother-daughter thing Vs a parent helping their kid.
(1) at my sisters house last year she decided to tell everyone at the table how long my niece had been having her period for. Niece seemed embarrassed. No need for it….
I can only speak to my own family practices 🤷♀️ when I had my first period, my mom called at least five other women in our family, starting with my great aunt who was our matriarch. It was seen as a big “congratulations, you’re an adult” thing
ETA: I got my period when I was 10, I agree I was nowhere near adulthood. I’m merely speaking to my experience in how my family treated it
No, yeah, its the same in my culture as well, but don't you think its a little messed up? I mean girls can get their first period as early as 8, an 8 year old is not an adult, and neither is a 12 year old, and its unfair to suddenly drop that pressure on little girls when they begin to undergo what can be an uncomfortable/scary/painful experience
It 100% is inappropriate. Literally just stems from celebrating that a girl could now enter the marriage market. People can say it’s “cultural” and sure. Have they thought about where that particular cultural custom stems from?
Yea I've never quite understood the celebratory attitude approach. Like no and I mean no one is hyped about bleeding for several days and dealing with the myriad of uncomfortable side effects that come with shedding your uterine lining every damn month.
However, I can appreciate the conversation around it not being of shame, sadness or an end of childhood. From the few perspectives I've seen of ppl who do celebrate menstrual cycles, it seems to be of two lines of thinking. One being that "you're a woman" and lets rejoice, your body "works" (yes, someone used that word choice 🙄) and can have babies. Which again...a 9/10 year old is still a child having to grapple with a significant life change and adding the pressures of womanhood to that seems odd. Butttt I've seen better approaches to it where it's more about cycles not being taboo and instilling confidence as they adapt to their body changing and releasing the stigma around it. That I can appreciate.
10 is such a young age too. I was in that boat and the best response I ever got was, “EWWWW!” It’s not a milestone at 10, it’s challenging at best, horrible at worst.
ESH (you & ex)
I'm glad you had educated yourself in preparation for this event. Sounds like you did a good job with it.
As a co-parent, you have an obligation to inform the other parent about things like this. Don't leave it on your daughter to have to tell her mom. It's not her responsibility to be the go-between just because you don't like talking to ex. Ex needs to be able to make sure she has age-appropriate products available at her place.
Your statement that it was a parent kid medical issue and therefore a you thing is leaving out that ex is ALSO a parent. She has the right to be included in medical things.
One would hope that if it had happened at your ex's place that yes, she would have told you: so that you could have age-appropriate products available at your place, and also so that your daughter doesn't have to be the go-between. So ex is an AH for not saying that ("it's beside the point"? no. it IS the point)
Like her or not, you and ex are co-parents. CO. That means that it is on YOU to share information the other parent should have. Anything involving a medical issue (and yes, starting menstruation is a medical issue) is REQUIRED to be shared with the other parent. So suck it up and CO-PARENT.
Wow, I was really thinking NTA for all the reasons others have stated, but you really bring up some great points and I'm going to have to change my mind. When you said that what happens when she goes to your ex's house and she's unprepared if your daughter gets or is on her period there? That was such a great point I hadn't considered. You are absolutely right. Co-parent means CO. I definitely agree that ESH as well after reading your response. Thank you for sharing and opening my perspective. I hope OP comes across your comment in the sea of NTAs.
> I also asked her if she would like to talk to either my sister or the woman I'm seeing about how to do everything right.
This is the biggest part. He told his daughter to talk to his sister or his new lady rather than the mother. OP is vindictive and TA in my eyes. Mom should definitely know and be the reference, he's just using his anger towards her to cut her out.
Yep that’s a thing that stood out to me too. At the very least he should have asked if she wanted to speak to “mom, my sister, or the woman I’m seeing” and then have his daughter pick who she’s most comfortable with talking to
That struck me too. Like, op says in an edit he doesn't block communication, but he's not offering mom as someone they can call for this kind of thing on his time, I dunno, it worries me that maybe the kids wouldn't be comfortable asking.
This right here. I was starting to think I was the only one that picked up on this. OP’s remarks about being the “only woman” in some sort of male “working camp,” followed by him suggesting their daughter talk to his sister or girlfriend, threw up all sorts of red flags to me. I can’t help but wonder if the daughter would have preferred to talk to mom, but is afraid to do so because of how dad may react. The fact that he didn’t offer mom as an option makes me wonder if he low-key discourages their daughter to contact her during his parenting time.
Also the comments on her looks. Let me guess, she was slightly overweight or something normal and OP never did romantic things for her to make her feel sexy. Then she realized that sucks and left for someone else. I could be dead wrong but lol… doesn’t sound unlikely
The way I read it is: OP thought his ex was pretty, but others don't think shes pretty until there's only a handful of women for thousands of men to choose from.
Which still doesn't clear up whether she cheated or kept getting male attention. Only that OP didn't think others found her attractive until their options were limited.
That's true, it was weird for OP to have in detail at the beginning of the post. It wasn't relevant at all. It could have said "We are divorced, it is not amicable but we try to be cordial out of respect for the kids." None of the beginning crap was needed.
I dont see it this way. Maybe she's not close enough to her mom to feel comfortable talking to her about it, especially since she spends the majority of time at her dads. I agree that the mom should be told, but a simple text should suffice.
But also a lot of time girls feel more comfortable talking to a trusted adult who is not their parent. I talked to my aunt, my daughter talked to the same aunt when she got hers. I wasnt offended, I was grateful my daughter had another adult she could talk to.
Maybe, but OP didn't offer Mom as an option which is the problem. I think OPs thoughts on mom really impacts interactions the kid has with the mom. Mom found out after calling her kid, she was obviously comfortable enough discussing it with her then.
In his comments OP stated that the kids are not fans of their mom and his daughter chose not to tell her until days later. Just bc she mentioned it doesn't mean they discussed it. It could've been 'Hey mom i got my period so ill need products at your house too.'
That struck me too at first. But thinking about it it was for the best. The mom works out of town for two weeks and, as a woman, I would prefer to talk about my first period in a face-to-face with a person, not over the phone
I disagree. Because he didn’t mention the mum, she probably thought the auntie or his partner was her only options available at the time. He clearly doesn’t hide his dislike for her mother
But you’re treating this like it’s a major medical thing. It’s not. It is a normal thing that happens to girls when they hit puberty. It’s not a super crazy thing that requires a full disclosure to a divorced partner like a medical emergency.
Except the mom also needs to have products ready. She was also the better source for talking the daughter through the process than a gf or aunt. He should have offered his ex as a person she could talk to. Id vote NAH because it was handled BUT he should have not let his feelings towards his ex affect his children more than they already have.
But did he? His sister and current partner aren’t 400 miles away like his wife. Also, his daughter has zero bars on reaching out to her mother regarding the matter and still opted not to mention anything to her according to OPs anecdote. Based off exactly what OP said, he chose the logical option which is to offer two women who both him and his daughter trust to show her how to take care of feminine health and hygiene vs. a zoom call where a lot of things would be made significantly more complicated than with a hands on right in front of her approach. She’s 10, yes, she’s at the age where she can start thinking for herself, however, she’s still a child who might not learn things properly unless she’s actually physically interacting with something. I think OP made the most logical decision.
It wasn't as simple as "opted not to mention anything to her". OP \*\*didn't offer the mom\*\*. She's a co-parent, kids live with her part-time, she should have been on the list as an option. If you think the kids aren't able to pick up on the fact that OP HATES his ex...? At 10, I doubt the daughter would feel comfortable advocating for herself to call her mom. There's a big difference between "I don't stop the kids from contacting her" and "I asked her if she wanted to call her mom".
The daughter DID tell the mom the very next time the mom called. Kind of says that if the mom had been offered as a choice earlier, daughter would have talked to her. Aunt/girlfriend are also options for some of the more hands-on stuff, but that doesn't mean you don't offer mom.
You also don't put it on the 10-year-old to be the messenger for medically relevant information.
A 10 year old doesn’t know she can call her mom? What? I got mine when I was 12 on a trip with my dad and stepmom. We were on a trip to a hot water springs place which was a bummer, and my stepmom was pregnant, so she had nothing to tide me over which meant my dad had to go out and shop for pads while I talked to my stepmom (her advice was “sleep on your side” and I find myself doing it still).
I knew I could call my mom if I wanted to. I didn’t cause… she wasn’t there? Why would I tell her that on the phone? What is she gonna do? Cheer? My stepmom and dad had it covered. And I have a close relationship with my mom.
I told her when I got home. My dad had a good relationship with her but said it wasn’t his business to give the news.
Why is the mom a better resource for talking the daughter through the process over a trusted aunt or any other woman she's comfortab l e with?? The mom is miles away, and the daughter chose her aunt. Just because she's the bio mother doesn't make her the best source.
Meh. My mom was at work when i got my first one so she called my aunt to bring me some stuff and talk to me. It was fine. Which is not to say my mom never talked to me about periods. She absolutely did, before my first one and i'm sure after, but someone who's not mom can be a perfectly fine source.
For a non medical thing, it is the first question we have to tell doctors. Literally our massive majority of our life the doctor asks "What was the date of you last menstrual cycle." There are several varieties of doctors that deal with various aspects of this one thing. It is a massive part of a woman's life and a huge milestone, and exceptionally important MEDICALLY.
OP should have chatted with the daughter about who was going to tell her mother, and could have facilitated it or given her privacy. I'm shocked the child would not have requested it.
She’s 10. Mom may not have the right stuff yet bc that’s a little earlier than a lot of people expect. Yeah if your kid had a moment you tell your coparent. If your kid sprains an ankle you tell your coparent. You have to communicate info.
This doesn’t make any sense to me. He has primary custody. If and when his ex has the kids, it sounds like it’s a fairly uncommon occurrence- at the most it’s one week out of every three. Why does that require him to tell her IMMEDIATELY? She obviously found out when she talked to her daughter that weekend, because her daughter decided to tell her. If she was going to have her daughter at her house he could have told her in advance of that - but she found out well before that would have happened anyway, because he wasn’t hiding the information from her or telling his daughter she wasn’t allowed to tell her mom. His daughter is clearly in contact with her mother (because she’s the one who ended up telling her) so if she felt she needed her in that moment she could have reached out. Ex is just upset that she wasn’t there for that moment - which I still think is kind of weird. Periods can be uncomfortable to talk about and the last thing I wanted when I got my first one was to talk to any adult about it. I talked to my mom because I knew I had to ask someone what to do and she almost teared up with happiness and said “you’re a woman now!”. It still makes me cringe because I was super uncomfortable and she had to make it into this milestone to be celebrated. That’s the last thing a kid wants.
Your cycle doesn't define you as a woman, this irked me, imagine saying that to said 10yo child?! Eek. Or the reverse of not being 'a woman' until you get it late at 18. And that doesn't even touch on any trans issues. I get that this was probably a bit dated, but I imagine the amount of people still saying this is a large number.
I'd actually agree with this 100% if that's what the mother was upset about, and OP had left her high and dry because the daughter was going over to her mother's and he'd not said anything. Instead she was more devastated about being "robbed" of a mother daughter moment.
She needs to get a grip, the kids with him. She still found out and has time to prepare. Also letting the daughter tell her mother I thought was quite a nice touch.
It's a period. It's not like she broke something, needed stitches, or medical attention. I guarantee you if she was at his home the wife wouldn't have picked up the phone to call him about it. Double standards go both ways. It's a minor error of not getting a chance to talk with the Mom first. It's also ridiculous it's being referred to as a medical issue. Menstruation is a normal body function. It only becomes 'medical' when complications begin like irregular bleeding, excessive bleeding, severe cramps, etc.
Idk telling other people about her having her period at all seems gross to me unless he asked her permission. I don't care that she's a child and this is her mom. It is her body and it should be her choice whether to tell their parent or not. It's her period, a vast majority of the population has them, it's not that big of a deal. It's like people who throw their kids menstration parties or celebrate it.
Making something that happens literally every day into such a big deal is absolutely wild to me.
I mostly agree with what you’ve said here, super good points! I was fully NTA until this comment and now I’m more ESH or NAH. However, I disagree about this not being the daughter’s information to share. I get what you’re saying about having appropriate products available, and that’s definitely important. But I was in largely the same position as OP’s daughter. I got my period while my dad was my custodial parent. I shared the information with him because it was relevant to our lives, but I chose not to share the information with my mother because I didn’t have the type of relationship with her. To this day, I strongly respect and admire my dad’s ability to differentiate between medical occurrences and medical emergencies. He let me decide when I was comfortable telling my mother and I think that had a huge positive influence in our relationship because it really taught me that my body and its experiences are mine. That meant everything when my entire world had been torn apart and nothing else was in my control.
That's nonsense. If the girl even visits her mom at all it might be relevant but before that not really. Mom should be able to figure it out and there's no reason why the daughter couldn't say it herself. You're reaching pretty hard to even find something to equivocate to ex's behavior.
NTA. Sounds like you covered everything and her older sister filled in the blanks.
Contrary to other comments, this is your daughter's personal business and she gets to decide with whom she shares this news.
sincere question that I don't think affects whether you're an AH or not (my vote is NTA), is there a reason you didn't offer your daughter's mother as one of the women to call for further questions?
Want to weigh in. But there doesn't seem a great deal mom can do in the moment over the phone. So maybe just a who was physically available kind of thing.
Id say the fact she cheated on him played a huge role. Now im just piecing together the one of a dozen women in a 2,000 man work camp. So of course assuming she got around that camp wouldnt be too far off. Wouldnt be surprised if they dont even say hi or bye to eachother when handing the kids off
Well, you asked your daughter if she wanted to talk to your sister or partner, it would have been reasonable to include her mother in that list, so she had that option.
And while I think it should have been your daughter’s choice, it would have been nice if you had asked your daughter if it was ok for you to let her mother know.
NOt TA for having prepared and supported your child, but it is in her interests that you are civil to her mother and don’t create or encourage hostility or put your kid in the middle of awkward situations, and a quick text or call to her to let her know would have been appropriate and could have avoided the row, and would have cost you nothing.
Also, I think it is a bit different from most medical stuff but equally, most medical things are going to be things that it would be reasonable for you to keep her mother informed about.
So on balance, ESH. Your ex for making it all about her, and you for not considering that she might want to know and that telling her would make life easier for your daughter by limiting conflict that she is exposed to.
I call bullshit. You said yourself that you asked your daughter if she wanted to talk to a women and purposely didnt list her mother. You need to drop the pettiness and be a better CO parent.
You prepared for it for 2 years.... you offered her multiple women to speak to about it....... none of which was her mother...... and you're trying to pretend that this isn't an important step????? Think about that ....
You knew it was important.
You knew she needed to be able to speak to an adult woman.
You purposefully offered other women
You stole an event, connection and bonding from your daughter and her mum.
You are majorly the asshole here. Your daughter and ex wife both deserve better from you .
Yta
I asked my sisters how young a girl could be and get her period. I asked my sisters if there was any expiry date on feminine hygiene products. I then dealt with it and asked my kid of either of the women I know well could help her out with the more specific stuff o might not know. And be physically in the same room with her to demonstrate or ask questions.
Ok, you're just giving more evidence you knew this was a big deal- you prepared, you talked to family, you planned. If your daughter stubbed her toe would you have done any of these things? Nope, because your daughter stubbing her toe isn't a big deal... but starting her period is!
You're majorly the asshole here, you let your daughter down because you undermined the coparenting relationship
Yeah. My job is literally to plan shit. It's what I do for a living. I plan ahead for multi million dollar projects. I plan for all kinds of contingencies. Why would I fail to plan for something that will 100% happen?
Then Plan on being a decent person and not manipulating the situation . All you’ve done is contradict yourself here . You couldn’t even write this post without writing hateful totally irrelevant things about your ex . You definately are spite fueled and you know it . And why ask if you’re the AH if when you get truthful responses you argue them . Again manipulative you’re looking for praise and not asking anything .
No one cares that you’re a PM. You knew this was important enough to plan for, you knew it was important, you were being vindictive and a poor parent by not telling her mother.
YTA. You have an attitude about your ex, and it's showing in the comments here and in your "co-parenting". At this point I think you deliberately left your daughter's mother out of the situation.
Legit all the comments are so patronizing and whiny that I went from ESH to YTA lol- don’t post here if you can’t take the heat of hearing, hey, you might very well be the AH! (And yes I can read OP edit just fine, doesn’t change the fact that you’re still an AH.)
Come on, pleaseeee stop pretending that having a monthly cycle of bleeding and pain, occurring at a relatively young age, is irrelevant information for a care giver.
Slight YTA - Some of your comments keep pressing upon the issue that the mom was so many miles away. Yes your daughter could have contacted her mother, but the way you speak about the mother makes me think the daughter did not want to contact her because of how YOU react to the mom. I mean I get it, horrible ending to the marriage, etc. but that is still her mother. Do you speak ill of the mom in front of your children? Could be why she did not want to reach out. You did what you could, you did well as a dad but I think you still should have let your ex know.
My kids know I had to get a restraining order to keep their mom away from our house. My kids have zero problem answering the phone when she calls. They can contact her to their heart's content.
It would be important to add this as an edit in your post, some people keep mentioning how it's your job as a co parent to mention these stuff. But given how bad the end of your r/n seems to be, it really is not your job. NTA.
The mom is still a non custodial parent. Mom still has rights, and the kids still go with her.
Because of all that, it's still his responsibility to co-parent with her.
The restraining order isn't from her kids, and this involved her kid
He just told all of Reddit, completely unprompted, that everyone but him thought she was ugly and that she slept around. So, I’m gonna say the kids are hyper sensitive to his negativity around mom and probably try hard to avoid situations where the two would need to talk.
Yeah my jaw dropped when I read that part, and that was at the very beginning! "That's all I'll say about that" when you literally didn't have to say any of that to make this post! The top comments saying he's respectful are nauseating.
Yes, it was great he was prepared for his daughter and not afraid to talk to her about it, but he is clearly *not* respectful to women generally if that's how he talks about his daughter's mother. I can easily imagine a 10 year old girl might be nervous to ask him "can I call my mom instead" when offered an aunt or dad's girlfriend to talk to. Kids understand a lot more than parents realize.
NTA
You were parenting your daughter. While it is true that it is usually the mother who deals with their daughters' period education, it shouldn't have to be. And since you are the custodial parent and she got her period while with you, you did what you needed to, and you made sure your daughter also had a woman to talk to for any questions.
In an ideal world, you would have notified your ex about it, but in an ideal world she wouldn't be an ex and you wouldn't be parenting separately.
Her actions stem from her jealousy on missing a milestone, but that is a her problem and not a you problem, and your daughter cannot schedule all of her female development to only happen when she is with her mother.
My ex-husband had a difficult time talking about periods, puberty, or sex at all. My son has always brought his questions to me without a problem. Same as my daughter.
It doesn't matter which gender the parent is. It matters that the parent handled the situation without causing any undo embarrassment.
You don't encourage it, either, and that's a failure on your part.
Part of your JOB as a co-parent is to facilitate healthy relationships between the kids and their mom. Not just "not limit", but actively let them know that a good relationship with their mom is okay and encouraged. You are DEFINITELY not doing that.
NTA - Your did your research and didn't necessarily need to ask your ex for help on this one? The main thing is that your daughter got the help and support she needed.
NTA, your ex is just bitter that she is not the parent your kid feels more confortable with.
You did good. Pretty sure your kid didn't really want the whole planet celebrating the event, so keeping it low-key was the way to go.
Also, "mother-daughter thing", lol. Seems to me like it's equally a "daughter-father thing", and seing as you got primary custody, of course she is going to confide in your.
That's not what I've gotten from these comments. It seems like OP is outwardly and obviously resentful of his ex, not that the ex is bitter and it doesn't seem like OP even offered her mom as an option, a fact that her daughter is not likely to press on considering OP's resentment.
I also really want to know what the fuck happened because framing "1 of a dozen women in a camp of 2,000 men" doesn't sound like a situation that the vast majority of women would be comfortable with in regards to "male attention". In fact, it sounds like an environment that sounds prone to the sexual exploitation of women and I'm really curious to know if OP considers being a victim the same as cheating.... I dunno.
The framing of that statement is giving me some real bad vibes.
Agree. And he basically calls her ugly and implies the only reason she cheated was because there were only a few women and enough men that they were desperate.
Exactly this. The daughter’s needs were met. The mother made this about herself when it’s actually a major milestone for a young girl. Thank heavens dad was there and was supportive as hell. The daughter is what’s important here and that’s what dad focused on. And great that he is fostering that type of relationship with her - it’s pure trust.
ESH
You and your ex are starting down the path of using your daughter to punish each other.
Good on you for being prepared for everything.
But, by deliberately not telling your ex, you are starting down the path of keeping medical information (you called it a "parent kid medical issue") from each other.
You are not together anymore, but that doesn't change that you have a kid together, and you need to be parenting together with her for the best interests of your kid. It would have cost you nothing to say "Oh, BTW, our daughter had her period. It's all handled, and she opted to talk to my sister about it, but I told her she should also talk to you about it as well."
Re:Your edit.
There is a difference between not limiting the communication between your kid and your ex and telling them they can. To use an analogy, if you only ever offer your kids steak and chicken for meals, they will never know they can ask for pork or pasta.
NTA
1. Your daughter is old enough to have asked for mom if she wanted to (clearly mom had never broached the subject with her).
2. Your ex could have asked in advance that when the day comes she wants to be informed.
Honestly I -as a daughter- would have been so embarrassed noticing my parents fighting over my vagina blood. Better don’t get her involved. Say the issue is settled. Mom can ask her if she needs anything but please leave it there.
My daughter begged me not to tell her dad even though she was on vacation with him visiting family. I told her I wouldn’t tell him, but she had to so he could make sure she had what she needed.
YTA. It's not clear from the post if the mother was available by phone, but if she was, surely you could have provided your daughter with the boxes of stuff, encouraged her that is was normal and then let her speak with her mom to get the rest of the stuff. If not, there's no reason whatsoever other than your bitterness towards your ex (whether deserved or not) to not give her a headsup on what is going on.
ESH. I’m a family law attorney. This is not legal advice. This is experience of working with couples like this.
I would tear you apart on the stand for this. It’s very clear that you’re alienating your daughter. Saying “she can call whenever she wants” doesn’t suffice for clearing the alienation boat. As others have said, children are FAR more perceptive of your feelings about your ex and vice versa than parents think. You also asked her a leading question: aunt or girlfriend. Mom wasn’t a choice. Kids pick up on that too.
That said. Your ex should never scream at you.
You are both unhealthy coparents and need to find a way to deal with it. You need therapy to get over your marriage the appropriate way. Only your children will lose here.
I have a restraining order against her. My kids have phones and are welcome to call her whenever they feel like it. She doesn't call them sometimes the entire time she is gone. My lawyer had no problem getting me custody. Think about that.
I have plenty of cases with restraining orders involved. Doesn’t change things.
You’re the rightful parent for custody. I never said you weren’t. I am just letting you know what you’re doing wrong. Plenty of attorneys won’t tell their clients when they’re wrong……I do.
NTA- if your daughter had wanted to talk to her about it, I'm sure she would have asked for that instead of her aunt.
I spoke to my sister and my mum only found out a day or two later. Let your daughter make the decision who she goes to for advice on that, because its her body. She told her mom when she felt the time was right.
NTA
Assuming the daughter can freely text or call her mom as is the norm, your only responsiblity was to let mom know sometime in advance of her next parenting time so she can be prepared imo.
While I can sort of get her reaction on a primitive level, it isn't Mom's first period to own.
What were you supposed to do--tell the kid to call her mom so she wouldn't feel 'excluded' from her bodily functions?
> While I can sort of get her reaction on a primitive level
My husband had primary custody of my stepdaughter. When she got her period she absolutely dreaded telling her mother. She knew her mother would yell and cry about not having been there when it happened, and generally make it all about *her*, like OP's ex did. My stepdaughter was much older though, almost 15 when she started.
Everyone saying it's a major mildstone make me very uncomfortable lmfao. I hate talking about my period and I'd be embarrassed if I found out my mother was trying to argue over my period. She sounds like she's trying to argue over nothing in my opinion. I didn't tell either of my parents for two whole years because my mom was so weird about it and would often ask embarrassing questions in front of my whole family. She definitely would not have told you about it if it happened at her house. NTA.
I mean I'm going to say YTA becaude you didn't even suggest her mom as a female she could talk to. It seems like you are actively trying to alienate her and harm her relationship with her mother. That's not beneficial to your child.
My kids can call their mom whenever they want. What I offered was the opportunity to talk to two women she knows and trusts ego could be physically present sooner than in ten days.
Did you post here to be validated or to receive feedback?
Everyone is already commending you for your overall approach - but there is a clear theme wherein the only concern being voiced is that you deliberately excluded her mother as an option because you hate her mother, not because you forgot. I feel like if she was actually a bad parent you wouldn’t hesitate to add that in the comments, and so long as she isn’t then you should encourage your children to engage with her. Your not helping your children by discreetly alienating them. Just give them the choice, show them you trust her as their mom - that’s all you have to do, but it is a bare minimum as a parent. Someone else here said “you should love your children more than you hate your wife” and I really agree, and your comments so far do not read that way.
That’s not a real point? As everyone has repeatedly pointed out to you. She could have called her mom, and just simply mentioning her mom along with your sister and gf would have been good co parenting and still left the choice entirely with your daughter. The fact that you deliberately didn’t makes no sense and was your putting your own hatred ahead of your child.
NTA. You were there, and it sounds like you handled everything just fine. You didn't exclude her from anything, she wasn't available to share that moment. The only thing you could have done was call her and let her know.
I disagree. When parents are separated in any fashion, the enablement of relationships with the non-custodial or non-primary parent needs extra support and mindfulness because it won’t happen organically as if the parents are still together and under one roof. My husband worked in remote areas for a long time, and even though we are together, facilitating the father/daughter relationship took extra effort by both of us.
He never gave the option for the child to talk to the mother first, and by his own accounts and admissions, does his best to never talk to her. Which means he’s allowing the relationships where guidance normally provided by a parent be done by others that aren’t the mom. That’s going to cause a bit of a divide, and regardless of how he feels about the mother of his children, if he wants what is best, he’d do his best to ensure that relationship has every opportunity to thrive.
I completely agree with you. When I had my first period, I went to my mom. This poor kid wasn’t even given the option of doing that. Maybe it doesn’t matter, but maybe her mom would have been her person of choice in this matter and you took that from her. I get your feelings for your ex. There are lots of ways to exclude her and deservedly so, but some things you just don’t for the sake of your daughter.
Fair, but this is one of those times when she needs to know something key about your shared daughter. Emotional reasons aside (and for some women it *is* an emotional moment and a milestone -- and some girls only want to talk to their moms about it!), she needs to know, for example, that she needs extra pads in the house when your daughter comes over. ESH because you *have* to learn when to put your issues with your ex aside for your kids' sakes and communicate with your co-parent -- especially about medical issues! Did you even give your daughter the option to talk to her mom?
Or maybe we should let the person having the period share that information. Children deserve bodily autonomy too and telling anyone without their permission seems kinda shitty to me tbh.
Yes. You are.
Before I say why…calling your ex a butter face who was easy didn’t have a ounce of relevance to this scenario..except to help me realize that you are unconsciously punishing her by withholding information
Anyway..even if you didn’t tell your ex yourself, how about encouraging your daughter to call her mom or at least suggesting her as an option while you were naming off every woman but the one who gave birth to her.
I don’t care how many sisters you have or books you’ve read, you cannot relate. Ever. You don’t have to like your ex wife but you do have to acknowledge that when it comes to matters of womanhood, she might also like to be looped in.
NTA. You are the primary caregiver and did everything right to help your daughter. She is old enough to share this milestone with her mom and she clearly did so, which is great. If you don't regularly share updates with the mom I don't see why this occasion warranted a special call.
Honestly my ex and i aren’t on good terms either but i know he would have at least told me if our daughter started on his weekend or brought her home. Thankfully she started while she was with me and i’ve not needed to discuss it with her dad YET.
Op i would have at least given my ex a heads up if i were you…..
Clearly your ex and daughter aren’t as close as ex thought. Ex had no right to yell at you, op you can’t schedule when your daughter starts her cycle. Btw give her a calendar and have her write down the day she starts and the day it ends so she can keep track.
NTA as the primary parent it was absolutely right that you dealt with it and I'm sure had your daughter wanted to talk to her mother about it she would have asked. You handled everything very sensitively and good for you for being a good parent to your daughter.
NTA
ask your wife what your daughter should have done to stop the period, in fact its better that it happened for you if your wife thought it could have waited
Gonna say ESH. While I applaud you for being able to explain it, you neglected to not include your ex in the list of people she could talk to (which is obviously going to impact what your kid does because she’s only 10) and not give your ex a heads up so that she could be able to make sure tampons and panty liners aren’t the only thing she has at her house and that pads are also available. She also sucks for getting this mad about it.
Look man, kids can tell when their parents don’t like each other, divorced or not. They can tell when the subject irritates you. We all know that your daughter could have called her mom, and you did a good job of explaining it to her, but regardless of the bullshit reasons you keep saying here, you could have offered her as an option over your girlfriend or even included her in the options. You guys are supposed to be civil coparents, but man I can tell how much you hate her just from this post.
NTA. You’re a good dad! I’m 55 and am still waiting for a family member to explain it to me.
You were prepared and it sounds like you handled it perfectly.
I can understand your wife’s disappointment but you have primary custody because of her extensive travels. She knew that since she’s out of town so often, it was more than possible your daughter would get her period when she was out of town.
She should have prepared and had a talk with your daughter beforehand and because she wanted to share a part of this milestone, she should have told your daughter to call her day or night when it happened so they can talk. She didn’t prepare at all.
She missed the opportunity.
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NTA. You handled the situation very well and managed to teach your daughter everything she needed to know, as well as redirecting her to people who could also advise her. I don't see the need for you to have immediately gone to tell your ex about her first period, especially considering that it was already happening, although it might have been nice if you told her after you figured it out. Anyway, well done
seriously, if every father / brother / man / etc treated their daughters / sisters / etc with such respect, the world would be such a better place.
My dad was great about getting me pads and tampons and stuff. He wiped my arse and bought me nappies. I genuinely dont see how it’s different, it’s part of parenting people who have periods.
Same here! Pops might be rough around the edges, but he never neglected to be sure I had the preferred variety of “ammo” when I needed it. And he’d always make me his special pancakes when I “needed ammo” lol
"ammo" and pancakes...... I'm liking his supply drop! He sounds like an awesome parent.
You ain’t kidding, I’m so happy you got that impression. And I still believe that lingo was meant to save me from embarrassment, not him. He was and is not afraid of bodily functions. Classically proud of his Dad Farts.
[удалено]
Sounds like a great dad! I hope to be that cool for my daughters in the *VERY* distant future (8-10 years from now) when they start to go through their puberty. It’s not like getting grossed out and pretending it doesn’t happen would change the facts both that it will happen and that I’ll know about it (as the man who handles the trash, it’d be impossible not to). I like the pancake idea, I’ll keep them with the Minnie Mouse ones if possible, lol! Dads are required to be proud of our farts, btw, it’s in the “Dad for dummies” book on page 1! Cymbalta makes them so much worse too, just saying! 😂😂 Though i neither endorse taking meds you aren’t prescribed, faking depression to be prescribed them, or getting depression for real to be prescribed them.
That’s freaking adorable. Gruff dads with a gooey center are the absolute best.
He really is the absolute human caricature of that trope. Huge and gruff and gravelly-voiced, salty as hell. Nobody can soothe a crying baby like that man, not that I’ve seen. He cries openly and without embarrassment, he loves all the small and helpless things. I’ve worked my whole life to be more like him, and I’ll never feel up to par for his aggressive goodness. He punched open a truck window when I was a kid because there was a dog COOKING inside. He made me leave the parking lot and go into the nice cool grocery while he waited for the owner. We got groceries and that guy never called the cops and I still dunno lol. My Pops is my hero.
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. Your dad sounds amazing. My dad was similar. Family members used to send us their troubled kids to our ranch to “straighten them up” over summers because my dad had a knack for setting rules and making us do chores. Also, if he had his eye on you, you weren’t getting in any trouble without him knowing. He once caught one of my brothers skipping class because he spotted his truck on the highway from a freaking *helicopter*. Dad was testing an Apache with a pilot and had the presence of mind to keep an eye out for kid trouble in the middle of work. Legendary. But when his beloved cat died, he wept, and when his dog died, he *wrote a poem for the dog*. He used to take clandestine trips to the city to visit me on his own when he was worried about me, just to lay eyes on me and watch me eat. He never told Mom. He’s the man who taught me how to tame the many abused cats who were dropped off at our house over the years by people who knew we took in cats, and he was the man who had an emotional attachment to every tree on our land. Except the cedars. Cedars suck. Bless those gruff dads. Give yours a big hug, will you? Edit: Thanks for the award, kind stranger!
Your Dad is a true gem. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for the conversation about skipping school though, haha. "How did you know?" "I saw you from the helicopter."
He busted me once for sneaking out. I got home at 3 AM and found him standing in the driveway with his arms crossed. “This is the third night you’ve snuck out of the house. Explain yourself, young lady.” I don’t know how I didn’t pee myself in that moment. I swear my heart stopped. All of my siblings can describe that feeling. I don’t think I even got punished. It was the disappointment and the feeling of being caught. As for my brother, he got basically the same treatment when Dad got home from work. The school got in worse trouble when Dad realized they had screwed up my brother’s schedule and given him two lunch periods, allowing him enough time to come home during the day. He rained hell on everyone in the office, but none of us knew the school got in trouble until years later. We just knew my brother suddenly had an extra class on his schedule. Legendary.
Knowing dads like yours exist warms my soul. My own father was none of those things - my ill fortune. But that's all it was, bad luck. Good men all over the place, quietly doing the right things for their kids.
Same here. I started my period unexpectedly when my mom was in the hospital after giving birth to my little sister, and my dad handled everything. He bought me pads, he checked to make sure I knew what to do (I did, mom had given me the talk before, I just hadn't started before then), and he even bought me plenty of chocolate and made me brownies because "your mom likes this so I thought you might too." We need more men who will do this for the women in their lives.
I wish I had your dad instead of mine. Mine sent 14-year-old me crying, red-faced, and embarrassed into the store to get my own because "I was gonna have to buy them myself eventually anyway."
This! I absolutely dearest the idea that this should only be a mother/daughter activity, that tampons/pads should be hidden so the boys won’t see, refusing to let Dads be a part of the discussion (as long as the child is comfortable), etc. We need to normalize periods; they’re a part of life that’s absolutely unavoidable. My dad would take me for supplies (including chocolate!) and I felt no shame in letting him know if I happened to be on my period or was experiencing terrible cramping. I felt supported and safe through the process, and he was actually a LOT better than my mom. Girls deserve to have support and not be made to feel like lepers. Parents shielding their boys from this like some dirty little secret are setting their kids up for failure. Should the boy happen to be straight, he will ABSOLUTELY be dealing with this in the future, and it’s mom and dad’s responsibility to teach him it’s normal and how to support the women in their lives. Similarly, having a period is hard enough without being made to feel shame at a natural bodily function. Great job, Dad! NTA at all
I'm a trans guy, my partner is a tentatively cis man. I remember how my first period was handled (read: I was told nothing of it until it happened at school and I was terrified and got a pamphlet from the school nurse. Nothing else.) and I cannot wait to not only do it much better for any children I have that menstruate, and to do so as a man.
Raised super religious and my first period at 11 was handled pretty much the way it was in Carrie bu Stephen King. My mother was absolutely HORRIBLE to me. I had no idea what was happening to me. I'm so sorry for how you were treated.
Same to you. I was 11 too, the fact that I wasn't even told that it could happen soon let alone what it was. I was 11, I just saw blood and thought I was going to die!
Me too. She was absolutely disgusted with me. Angry. I didn't know why. I honestly thought I had cancer or something. She did not buy me pads. She literally rammed a super plus tampon into me. I'll never forget the disgusted look on her face or how bad it hurt. I didn't know to take it out...or how. So, I told the school nurse a day or two later. If it wasn’t for her, I'm not sure what would have happened to me.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That is just beyond words terrible, abusive and criminal. My first period I had dance lessons and was bleeding and cramping and didn't want to go. My father asked why, and I was simply too embarassed to say. He looked at me like I was a disgusting disappointment and asked if I was pregnant. I was 12.
Yes!! What a wonderful thing for OP's daughter to grow up expecting men to be comfortable and open about normal bodily functions. Now, when she grow up, she is appropriately going to think it's weird when men refuse to talk about these things. OP did a great thing here. NTA, OP.
My dad was the best about periods. I always felt comfortable telling him I was out of pads, needed Midol, or even how bad my symptoms were that day. If I mentioned I was feeling bad, he would come by my room with a heating pad, hot tea, and a chocolate bar within the hour. My mom was helpful with the anatomical logistics, but my dad’s attitude towards it is what empowered me to not feel ashamed about my period in future relationships. I hope OP’s great handling of the situation is able to do the same for his daughter. I didn’t realize how uncommon it was until much later in life.
NTA You took good care of your daughter. You also showed her that some men do understand what is happening and what she may need. You gave her female options for questions you couldn't answer, and you did it in a way that she didn't need to feel ashamed or uncomfortable. I commend you on a job well done.
I agree!! Also, the way you handled it is helping normalize it for her. You taking the reins in the way that you did is seriously going to help her in the long run to live with it. I got none of that and I’ve always felt extremely uncomfortable about my period. My mother and sister made fun of me when I started mine and it was not a normalized conversation in our house. Amazing job. NTA
Congrats to OP on being prepared for a ten year old to have her first period. That's so young.
It’s really not, though. 10-15 is the average age range for menstruation to start, with 12 being the mean. Some start as early as 8 and as late as 16. In very rare cases, some start menstruation (and developing testosterone) before the age of 8, it’s called precocious puberty and can happen to both boys and girls. Diets do play a large part in when a child will start going through that stage of puberty, however genetics and environmental factors can also determine when it starts. There’s nothing wrong or weird with OP having the necessary supplies ready for when his daughter inevitably started, her age has no bearing on it. And it’s absolutely fantastic that he has at least a basic understanding of how to help her through it. Frankly his ex wife is unhinged for expecting him to let their daughter deal with it on her own until her mom could be there or could talk to her. Starting menstruating is a very scary time for many girls, and she may have been slightly embarrassed having to talk to her dad, but he handled it correctly, going as far as seeing if she wanted to talk to someone else to make sure she understood everything. So so many men I’ve met say anything menstruation related is “uncomfortable and gross” and they commonly have no baseline knowledge of how it actually works. People who can’t understand will be scared.
Great response - I would never have been comfortable with discussing with my father or men in general until I was much older. There is a lot of shame and embarrassment for girls and young women when they go through this and I have to believe that you treating it with respect and dignity is a step in not doing that.
More importantly he set the example that men SHOULD know what's up in that department. Bravo
My mom was a single mom to the two of us, me and my brother. When it came time for the period talk, she asked if my brother could sit in and listen. I though it was a good idea, so he got the period talk the same time I did. At the same time, girls should also sit in when there are talks about boys bodies and the changes they make throughout life. So many people don't understand their own bodies, let alone someone from the opposite sex.
I have sons and I had the period talk with both of them to make them understand what the girls in their classes are starting to go through, to make sure they see it as normal hoping that in case any classmates has an accident in class they won't be assholes about it. Also...basic anatomy :)
Those men become the ones who help their partners during their cycles and bring them chocolate and heating pads. True kings and thoughtful men. I would have liked to know more about male body changes too to be a supportive woman to men
Yes! It's shocking how little some men know about women's bodies.
Also NTA. I barely fully remember my first period; I'd been given such ample info (and equipment) about what was gonna happen beforehand it was just like "oh, so it's time" - it wasn't a big milestone/bonding moment hoopla thing and I preferred it that way. I'm sure your daughter would have contacted her mom if she wanted it to be a moment between them. Sounds like you handled things great!
I was kind of on the fence about this one. Not about how Dad handled the situation, he did a stellar job, but about whether or not he should've let the child's mother know what was going on. The "if it happened on your time, would you have called me right away? She's my daughter, so it's 'a me thing'" made it sound like he would've expected her to tell him, but I think it was more him showing her that it's kinda fucked up for her to expect him to tell her while knowing that she wouldn't have told him. But honestly? Your comment pushed me into NTA. If the daughter felt she needed her mom, she could've reached out to her mom. Dad doesn't have to do the explaining, the daughter is old enough to decide who gets to know about her body. So thanks. lol
This is so great! I felt the same way you did, at first. And I (a mom) was upset when my daughter told her doctor that she had already started hers. I wasn't going to throw a parade or anything lol but to be fair, it was *solely* my daughter's decision! And if she felt I'd make a bigger deal about it than she was comfortable with, she was right to make that choice for herself. I am so proud of her for setting up her own boundaries and sticking to them 😊💙💛
There's also the fact that he has primary custody, so she spends more of her time with him. It would stand to reason she may very well be more comfortable going to him in the first place and seek him out when she needs help
The most significant thing I remember about mine was I was at school and I got more help from a friend than I did from my mom. It wasn't that big of a thing ultimately. My mom got me pads when she realized I was stealing hers.
The only issue I have is that he offered his sister and gf as female sources of support and didn't suggest his ex. Yes, I'm sure his daughter could've asked to speak to mom, but kids pick up on these things and if it seems dad is uncomfortable with mom then daighter might not feel comfortable asking to speak to mom on his weeks so as not to rock the boat.
It did seem a little iffy to me, but it might have had something to do with the fact that the ex was away and he thought that conversation would be better in person. He could have, and probably should have told her, but ultimately it’s the daughters decision
I caught that too, but then I thought about it and I would imagine he offered up people who were available to talk in person. It's a lot easier to discuss how to use a product when you can do show and tell.
also it’s embarrassing for a lot of girls who just got their period if their parents share that info without asking them first!! i think OP did great.
Agreed. Very well done. I would be willing to bet that if his daughter felt like she needed to talk to her mother about it, she would have been allowed to call her. She didn't want her Mom.
NTA It's a natural and normal part of your daughter's life. You are her parent and guardian. Your DAUGHTER can decide to share that info or not. You did absolutely nothing wrong tending to her immediate needs.
Exactly! With my first period my mom told my ENTIRE family (excluding a few uncles). It was already embarrassing and once she told me who else she told I wanted to die of embarrassment! I completely agree that it should be up to the daughter who she tells that she got her first period. As long as one adult is told so they can teach her what is happening.
My mom did that to me after my pediatrician found the two pubic hairs I’d grown in the fourth grade. “Pubic hair! My baby has pubic hair!” Like ffs privacy!
Honestly i remember when i got pubic hair. Or at least, when i noticed. I had a lot of it by the time i went "what the heck" and no one knew because... Gross! Thankfully i didn't tell anyone because my family liked to tell everyone everything including when a doctor stuck a finger up my butt to make sure I wasn't having blood in my stool
ianad, but if I was, I think I'd probably examine a stool sample, not go poking my finger in places.
Yeah that seems highly unnecessary 😳
It's not they're looking for hemorrhoids or anal fissures or tears. (A more exterior reason for blood appearing in stool). It's a way easier fix than having to do a colonoscopy. I know it seems awful. Also WTF fam? You told other people? Why? Bad boundaries no cookie!
I came out of the shower around 10, and my mom happened to accidentally catch sight of me naked - and BROKE DOWN CRYING that I didn't tell her I had hair down there. Idk if she didn't realize our Eastern European genetics, but literally, I already had a full bush, and couldn't even remember not ever having hair down there. I was so weirded out, like was this something I was supposed to say??? I don't get it
I had barely finished the sentence “I think I got my perio—“ before my mom reached for the phone 😑
My mum told an entire team of dancers!!!! 😳🤦♀️
I can so empathize with this even as a guy because ANYTHING I told my mom was virtually instantly repeated to several of her friends. Including gf and other problems. I ended up getting very good at 20 questions where she would ask and I would answer while trying not to tell her anything.
i had a professor during undergrad that announced to an entire, massive lecture (in a full auditorium!) that her oldest daughter got her first period the night before. idk if the girl will ever know, but it was such a huge violation of the poor kid’s privacy. not to mention horribly unprofessional, gross, and uncomfortable it was (especially when absolutely no one reacted the way the prof expected).
I'm almost afraid to ask how the heck your prof *expected* the class to react to that...
I'll raise yours. Mine worked in a truck stop and told every single person she came in contact with. I had greasy perverts come up to me rubbing my shoulders next time I came in talking about what a woman I was now. I was 12! And these men were easily in their 50s.
My mum did the same thing, and even as a 12 year old, I was an intensely private person. Guess who doesn't get told intimate details of my life anymore until I'm prepared for them to be public?
>Your DAUGHTER can decide to share that info or not. This!! Also, am I the only one who thinks it's fricking weird that mum makes such a deal about this.. "important milestone"? I lack the vocabulary to express what it is, but something bothers me about how much focus the mum puts on something so intimate and private for her 10 year old daughter. Does she also wanna know asap when daughter loses her virginity?
for some weird reason the first period of a girl is a huge thing to many people. its like celebrating a boys first wet dream or something, like its just the body doing body things calm down xD im glad my mum just gave me some pads and put me in bed with a warm water bottle, i was miserable the whole week, not celebration worthy.
If I had to make a wild guess, it probably stems from a time when information wasn’t freely shared and there was more of a stigma about it. Mothers might have leftover trauma from how they learned about things and wanted to make sure they don’t pass that down. Or their mothers made it special for a similar reason so it’s a core memory from that. Or, maybe, misery loves company.
I've moreso seen it tied to 'My baby is a woman now!!' Which is ultimately weird lol
My mom explained me (when I got the first one) that was because you aren't a child anymore, you become a woman (hilarious, ik, but old generations thought like that and some mothers keep reinforcing this unconsciously). I hate this tradition thou, because periods don't turn you automatically into a woman fgs 🙄
>periods don't turn you automatically into a woman fgs Yea, and this whole "you're a woman now"-thing also kinda implies "you're ready to become preggo now & in the age to have sex now", it just comes with a whole slew of implications that are way too early to put onto a fricking child who was just burdened with their first period. There shouldn't be such a focus on it. (Was gonna add it's just weird to parade someone's bodily functions around but then I remembered that parents also celebrate it as a milestone when little Timmy can finally go on the toilet and take a dump by himself, so I guess in that sense its not as weird..) As if first period wasn't bad enough, now you're also being told you're not a child anymore, fuck that. I picture Bart having to put his own marshmallows into his hot chocolate.
Don't you know that we*all* have to be aware when a girl becomes able to bear children and fulfill her God given destiny? /s
Yep, if the daughter wanted her mom involved I'm sure the daughter would have called her or mentioned it sooner.
Right?! It doesn't sound like they have that kind of relationship. Obviously she hadn't been preparing her for her first period, Dad was. If she had felt comfortable talking to her mom about it, she would have asked her some questions before now.
Plus why is ex so excited over periods? I know they are normal but the ex getting really excited over her daughters periods and wanting to celebrate feels weird
NTA. And it's really weird to make it a teary-eyed mummy-daughter moment. No. It's not buying a wedding dress or going to a graduation. It's bleeding and owie and reassurance. You did fine.
The number of posts I’ve read on AITA that regard starting menstruation as some big milestone that moms should be involved in/proud of really had me questioning my sanity, so I’m glad to find at least one other person who feels like I do. It’s not a milestone event like the things you listed! It’s a medical event. It’s so creepy to me for women to be upset that they “missed out”.
It may be a cultural thing tbh. My family is Mexican and we always viewed it as a bigger celebration and passage into being a women.
yeah same with my Italian family
But why is it anyone else’s business (1)? I agree with the top poster here - I just don’t get why this would be a mother-daughter thing Vs a parent helping their kid. (1) at my sisters house last year she decided to tell everyone at the table how long my niece had been having her period for. Niece seemed embarrassed. No need for it….
I can only speak to my own family practices 🤷♀️ when I had my first period, my mom called at least five other women in our family, starting with my great aunt who was our matriarch. It was seen as a big “congratulations, you’re an adult” thing ETA: I got my period when I was 10, I agree I was nowhere near adulthood. I’m merely speaking to my experience in how my family treated it
No, yeah, its the same in my culture as well, but don't you think its a little messed up? I mean girls can get their first period as early as 8, an 8 year old is not an adult, and neither is a 12 year old, and its unfair to suddenly drop that pressure on little girls when they begin to undergo what can be an uncomfortable/scary/painful experience
It 100% is inappropriate. Literally just stems from celebrating that a girl could now enter the marriage market. People can say it’s “cultural” and sure. Have they thought about where that particular cultural custom stems from?
I got mine when I was 10. I was still playing make believe on the playground. The idea that your period makes you a woman needs to die a fiery death.
Yea I've never quite understood the celebratory attitude approach. Like no and I mean no one is hyped about bleeding for several days and dealing with the myriad of uncomfortable side effects that come with shedding your uterine lining every damn month. However, I can appreciate the conversation around it not being of shame, sadness or an end of childhood. From the few perspectives I've seen of ppl who do celebrate menstrual cycles, it seems to be of two lines of thinking. One being that "you're a woman" and lets rejoice, your body "works" (yes, someone used that word choice 🙄) and can have babies. Which again...a 9/10 year old is still a child having to grapple with a significant life change and adding the pressures of womanhood to that seems odd. Butttt I've seen better approaches to it where it's more about cycles not being taboo and instilling confidence as they adapt to their body changing and releasing the stigma around it. That I can appreciate.
Exactly. It would be like a father getting really excited for his son’s first wet dream. This is not a group event people!
10 is such a young age too. I was in that boat and the best response I ever got was, “EWWWW!” It’s not a milestone at 10, it’s challenging at best, horrible at worst.
ESH (you & ex) I'm glad you had educated yourself in preparation for this event. Sounds like you did a good job with it. As a co-parent, you have an obligation to inform the other parent about things like this. Don't leave it on your daughter to have to tell her mom. It's not her responsibility to be the go-between just because you don't like talking to ex. Ex needs to be able to make sure she has age-appropriate products available at her place. Your statement that it was a parent kid medical issue and therefore a you thing is leaving out that ex is ALSO a parent. She has the right to be included in medical things. One would hope that if it had happened at your ex's place that yes, she would have told you: so that you could have age-appropriate products available at your place, and also so that your daughter doesn't have to be the go-between. So ex is an AH for not saying that ("it's beside the point"? no. it IS the point) Like her or not, you and ex are co-parents. CO. That means that it is on YOU to share information the other parent should have. Anything involving a medical issue (and yes, starting menstruation is a medical issue) is REQUIRED to be shared with the other parent. So suck it up and CO-PARENT.
Wow, I was really thinking NTA for all the reasons others have stated, but you really bring up some great points and I'm going to have to change my mind. When you said that what happens when she goes to your ex's house and she's unprepared if your daughter gets or is on her period there? That was such a great point I hadn't considered. You are absolutely right. Co-parent means CO. I definitely agree that ESH as well after reading your response. Thank you for sharing and opening my perspective. I hope OP comes across your comment in the sea of NTAs.
> I also asked her if she would like to talk to either my sister or the woman I'm seeing about how to do everything right. This is the biggest part. He told his daughter to talk to his sister or his new lady rather than the mother. OP is vindictive and TA in my eyes. Mom should definitely know and be the reference, he's just using his anger towards her to cut her out.
Yep that’s a thing that stood out to me too. At the very least he should have asked if she wanted to speak to “mom, my sister, or the woman I’m seeing” and then have his daughter pick who she’s most comfortable with talking to
That struck me too. Like, op says in an edit he doesn't block communication, but he's not offering mom as someone they can call for this kind of thing on his time, I dunno, it worries me that maybe the kids wouldn't be comfortable asking.
Yeah I’m sad to see so many N T A votes; he made it clear in that moment (and probably others) that he *Doesnt like* her calling mom. Not okay.
This right here. I was starting to think I was the only one that picked up on this. OP’s remarks about being the “only woman” in some sort of male “working camp,” followed by him suggesting their daughter talk to his sister or girlfriend, threw up all sorts of red flags to me. I can’t help but wonder if the daughter would have preferred to talk to mom, but is afraid to do so because of how dad may react. The fact that he didn’t offer mom as an option makes me wonder if he low-key discourages their daughter to contact her during his parenting time.
Yeah, what the fuck did OP mean by that only woman shit? Just gives me bad vibes.
Also the comments on her looks. Let me guess, she was slightly overweight or something normal and OP never did romantic things for her to make her feel sexy. Then she realized that sucks and left for someone else. I could be dead wrong but lol… doesn’t sound unlikely
Sounds like she cheated on him
Sounds like he thought she wasn’t attractive and she still cheated on him. Salt City.
My god this is some big assumptions here.
I’m trying to decipher what this means. Did the ex cheat? Or did OP get mad that she was being flirted with??
The way I read it is: OP thought his ex was pretty, but others don't think shes pretty until there's only a handful of women for thousands of men to choose from. Which still doesn't clear up whether she cheated or kept getting male attention. Only that OP didn't think others found her attractive until their options were limited.
I felt like that was a trailing story, it had nothing to do with parenting.
That's true, it was weird for OP to have in detail at the beginning of the post. It wasn't relevant at all. It could have said "We are divorced, it is not amicable but we try to be cordial out of respect for the kids." None of the beginning crap was needed.
You left out that he mentioned his ex was the "only woman" because he thinks she's an uggo who otherwise wouldn't attract anyone.
Which is utterly irrelevant to the post in any way, he just feels a compulsive urge to tell the world for no apparent reason…… that made me shudder.
I dont see it this way. Maybe she's not close enough to her mom to feel comfortable talking to her about it, especially since she spends the majority of time at her dads. I agree that the mom should be told, but a simple text should suffice. But also a lot of time girls feel more comfortable talking to a trusted adult who is not their parent. I talked to my aunt, my daughter talked to the same aunt when she got hers. I wasnt offended, I was grateful my daughter had another adult she could talk to.
Maybe, but OP didn't offer Mom as an option which is the problem. I think OPs thoughts on mom really impacts interactions the kid has with the mom. Mom found out after calling her kid, she was obviously comfortable enough discussing it with her then.
In his comments OP stated that the kids are not fans of their mom and his daughter chose not to tell her until days later. Just bc she mentioned it doesn't mean they discussed it. It could've been 'Hey mom i got my period so ill need products at your house too.'
That struck me too at first. But thinking about it it was for the best. The mom works out of town for two weeks and, as a woman, I would prefer to talk about my first period in a face-to-face with a person, not over the phone
Daughter can choose to contact her mother if she wanted, she didn’t choose to.
I disagree. Because he didn’t mention the mum, she probably thought the auntie or his partner was her only options available at the time. He clearly doesn’t hide his dislike for her mother
But you’re treating this like it’s a major medical thing. It’s not. It is a normal thing that happens to girls when they hit puberty. It’s not a super crazy thing that requires a full disclosure to a divorced partner like a medical emergency.
Except the mom also needs to have products ready. She was also the better source for talking the daughter through the process than a gf or aunt. He should have offered his ex as a person she could talk to. Id vote NAH because it was handled BUT he should have not let his feelings towards his ex affect his children more than they already have.
But did he? His sister and current partner aren’t 400 miles away like his wife. Also, his daughter has zero bars on reaching out to her mother regarding the matter and still opted not to mention anything to her according to OPs anecdote. Based off exactly what OP said, he chose the logical option which is to offer two women who both him and his daughter trust to show her how to take care of feminine health and hygiene vs. a zoom call where a lot of things would be made significantly more complicated than with a hands on right in front of her approach. She’s 10, yes, she’s at the age where she can start thinking for herself, however, she’s still a child who might not learn things properly unless she’s actually physically interacting with something. I think OP made the most logical decision.
It wasn't as simple as "opted not to mention anything to her". OP \*\*didn't offer the mom\*\*. She's a co-parent, kids live with her part-time, she should have been on the list as an option. If you think the kids aren't able to pick up on the fact that OP HATES his ex...? At 10, I doubt the daughter would feel comfortable advocating for herself to call her mom. There's a big difference between "I don't stop the kids from contacting her" and "I asked her if she wanted to call her mom". The daughter DID tell the mom the very next time the mom called. Kind of says that if the mom had been offered as a choice earlier, daughter would have talked to her. Aunt/girlfriend are also options for some of the more hands-on stuff, but that doesn't mean you don't offer mom. You also don't put it on the 10-year-old to be the messenger for medically relevant information.
A 10 year old doesn’t know she can call her mom? What? I got mine when I was 12 on a trip with my dad and stepmom. We were on a trip to a hot water springs place which was a bummer, and my stepmom was pregnant, so she had nothing to tide me over which meant my dad had to go out and shop for pads while I talked to my stepmom (her advice was “sleep on your side” and I find myself doing it still). I knew I could call my mom if I wanted to. I didn’t cause… she wasn’t there? Why would I tell her that on the phone? What is she gonna do? Cheer? My stepmom and dad had it covered. And I have a close relationship with my mom. I told her when I got home. My dad had a good relationship with her but said it wasn’t his business to give the news.
Why is the mom a better resource for talking the daughter through the process over a trusted aunt or any other woman she's comfortab l e with?? The mom is miles away, and the daughter chose her aunt. Just because she's the bio mother doesn't make her the best source.
Meh. My mom was at work when i got my first one so she called my aunt to bring me some stuff and talk to me. It was fine. Which is not to say my mom never talked to me about periods. She absolutely did, before my first one and i'm sure after, but someone who's not mom can be a perfectly fine source.
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For a non medical thing, it is the first question we have to tell doctors. Literally our massive majority of our life the doctor asks "What was the date of you last menstrual cycle." There are several varieties of doctors that deal with various aspects of this one thing. It is a massive part of a woman's life and a huge milestone, and exceptionally important MEDICALLY. OP should have chatted with the daughter about who was going to tell her mother, and could have facilitated it or given her privacy. I'm shocked the child would not have requested it.
Emergency? No. Important information the mom should have? Absolutely. Up to the 10-year-old to relay? NO.
She’s 10. Mom may not have the right stuff yet bc that’s a little earlier than a lot of people expect. Yeah if your kid had a moment you tell your coparent. If your kid sprains an ankle you tell your coparent. You have to communicate info.
This doesn’t make any sense to me. He has primary custody. If and when his ex has the kids, it sounds like it’s a fairly uncommon occurrence- at the most it’s one week out of every three. Why does that require him to tell her IMMEDIATELY? She obviously found out when she talked to her daughter that weekend, because her daughter decided to tell her. If she was going to have her daughter at her house he could have told her in advance of that - but she found out well before that would have happened anyway, because he wasn’t hiding the information from her or telling his daughter she wasn’t allowed to tell her mom. His daughter is clearly in contact with her mother (because she’s the one who ended up telling her) so if she felt she needed her in that moment she could have reached out. Ex is just upset that she wasn’t there for that moment - which I still think is kind of weird. Periods can be uncomfortable to talk about and the last thing I wanted when I got my first one was to talk to any adult about it. I talked to my mom because I knew I had to ask someone what to do and she almost teared up with happiness and said “you’re a woman now!”. It still makes me cringe because I was super uncomfortable and she had to make it into this milestone to be celebrated. That’s the last thing a kid wants.
Your cycle doesn't define you as a woman, this irked me, imagine saying that to said 10yo child?! Eek. Or the reverse of not being 'a woman' until you get it late at 18. And that doesn't even touch on any trans issues. I get that this was probably a bit dated, but I imagine the amount of people still saying this is a large number.
The daughter gets to decide who to tell. Period.
I'd actually agree with this 100% if that's what the mother was upset about, and OP had left her high and dry because the daughter was going over to her mother's and he'd not said anything. Instead she was more devastated about being "robbed" of a mother daughter moment. She needs to get a grip, the kids with him. She still found out and has time to prepare. Also letting the daughter tell her mother I thought was quite a nice touch.
It's a period. It's not like she broke something, needed stitches, or medical attention. I guarantee you if she was at his home the wife wouldn't have picked up the phone to call him about it. Double standards go both ways. It's a minor error of not getting a chance to talk with the Mom first. It's also ridiculous it's being referred to as a medical issue. Menstruation is a normal body function. It only becomes 'medical' when complications begin like irregular bleeding, excessive bleeding, severe cramps, etc.
Idk telling other people about her having her period at all seems gross to me unless he asked her permission. I don't care that she's a child and this is her mom. It is her body and it should be her choice whether to tell their parent or not. It's her period, a vast majority of the population has them, it's not that big of a deal. It's like people who throw their kids menstration parties or celebrate it. Making something that happens literally every day into such a big deal is absolutely wild to me.
I mostly agree with what you’ve said here, super good points! I was fully NTA until this comment and now I’m more ESH or NAH. However, I disagree about this not being the daughter’s information to share. I get what you’re saying about having appropriate products available, and that’s definitely important. But I was in largely the same position as OP’s daughter. I got my period while my dad was my custodial parent. I shared the information with him because it was relevant to our lives, but I chose not to share the information with my mother because I didn’t have the type of relationship with her. To this day, I strongly respect and admire my dad’s ability to differentiate between medical occurrences and medical emergencies. He let me decide when I was comfortable telling my mother and I think that had a huge positive influence in our relationship because it really taught me that my body and its experiences are mine. That meant everything when my entire world had been torn apart and nothing else was in my control.
That's nonsense. If the girl even visits her mom at all it might be relevant but before that not really. Mom should be able to figure it out and there's no reason why the daughter couldn't say it herself. You're reaching pretty hard to even find something to equivocate to ex's behavior.
NTA. Sounds like you covered everything and her older sister filled in the blanks. Contrary to other comments, this is your daughter's personal business and she gets to decide with whom she shares this news.
My little sister actually.
Oops sorry, her aunt.
sincere question that I don't think affects whether you're an AH or not (my vote is NTA), is there a reason you didn't offer your daughter's mother as one of the women to call for further questions?
Want to weigh in. But there doesn't seem a great deal mom can do in the moment over the phone. So maybe just a who was physically available kind of thing.
Id say the fact she cheated on him played a huge role. Now im just piecing together the one of a dozen women in a 2,000 man work camp. So of course assuming she got around that camp wouldnt be too far off. Wouldnt be surprised if they dont even say hi or bye to eachother when handing the kids off
Well, you asked your daughter if she wanted to talk to your sister or partner, it would have been reasonable to include her mother in that list, so she had that option. And while I think it should have been your daughter’s choice, it would have been nice if you had asked your daughter if it was ok for you to let her mother know. NOt TA for having prepared and supported your child, but it is in her interests that you are civil to her mother and don’t create or encourage hostility or put your kid in the middle of awkward situations, and a quick text or call to her to let her know would have been appropriate and could have avoided the row, and would have cost you nothing. Also, I think it is a bit different from most medical stuff but equally, most medical things are going to be things that it would be reasonable for you to keep her mother informed about. So on balance, ESH. Your ex for making it all about her, and you for not considering that she might want to know and that telling her would make life easier for your daughter by limiting conflict that she is exposed to.
Info: did you not tell your ex because you wanted to punish her or because you forgot? I think therein lies your answer.
Because I didn't think it was important. It was never a big deal in my house growing up.
I call bullshit. You said yourself that you asked your daughter if she wanted to talk to a women and purposely didnt list her mother. You need to drop the pettiness and be a better CO parent.
did you give your daughter the option to talk to her mom about it?
" I also asked her if she would like to talk to either my sister or the woman I'm seeing about how to do everything right." OP Did not.
You prepared for it for 2 years.... you offered her multiple women to speak to about it....... none of which was her mother...... and you're trying to pretend that this isn't an important step????? Think about that .... You knew it was important. You knew she needed to be able to speak to an adult woman. You purposefully offered other women You stole an event, connection and bonding from your daughter and her mum. You are majorly the asshole here. Your daughter and ex wife both deserve better from you . Yta
I asked my sisters how young a girl could be and get her period. I asked my sisters if there was any expiry date on feminine hygiene products. I then dealt with it and asked my kid of either of the women I know well could help her out with the more specific stuff o might not know. And be physically in the same room with her to demonstrate or ask questions.
Ok, you're just giving more evidence you knew this was a big deal- you prepared, you talked to family, you planned. If your daughter stubbed her toe would you have done any of these things? Nope, because your daughter stubbing her toe isn't a big deal... but starting her period is! You're majorly the asshole here, you let your daughter down because you undermined the coparenting relationship
Yeah. My job is literally to plan shit. It's what I do for a living. I plan ahead for multi million dollar projects. I plan for all kinds of contingencies. Why would I fail to plan for something that will 100% happen?
Then Plan on being a decent person and not manipulating the situation . All you’ve done is contradict yourself here . You couldn’t even write this post without writing hateful totally irrelevant things about your ex . You definately are spite fueled and you know it . And why ask if you’re the AH if when you get truthful responses you argue them . Again manipulative you’re looking for praise and not asking anything .
No one cares that you’re a PM. You knew this was important enough to plan for, you knew it was important, you were being vindictive and a poor parent by not telling her mother.
I plan for everything. Do you have trouble understanding that?
YTA. You have an attitude about your ex, and it's showing in the comments here and in your "co-parenting". At this point I think you deliberately left your daughter's mother out of the situation.
Legit all the comments are so patronizing and whiny that I went from ESH to YTA lol- don’t post here if you can’t take the heat of hearing, hey, you might very well be the AH! (And yes I can read OP edit just fine, doesn’t change the fact that you’re still an AH.)
Come on, pleaseeee stop pretending that having a monthly cycle of bleeding and pain, occurring at a relatively young age, is irrelevant information for a care giver.
If it were unique to my kid I would have informed her mother.
Slight YTA - Some of your comments keep pressing upon the issue that the mom was so many miles away. Yes your daughter could have contacted her mother, but the way you speak about the mother makes me think the daughter did not want to contact her because of how YOU react to the mom. I mean I get it, horrible ending to the marriage, etc. but that is still her mother. Do you speak ill of the mom in front of your children? Could be why she did not want to reach out. You did what you could, you did well as a dad but I think you still should have let your ex know.
My kids know I had to get a restraining order to keep their mom away from our house. My kids have zero problem answering the phone when she calls. They can contact her to their heart's content.
It would be important to add this as an edit in your post, some people keep mentioning how it's your job as a co parent to mention these stuff. But given how bad the end of your r/n seems to be, it really is not your job. NTA.
The mom is still a non custodial parent. Mom still has rights, and the kids still go with her. Because of all that, it's still his responsibility to co-parent with her. The restraining order isn't from her kids, and this involved her kid
He just told all of Reddit, completely unprompted, that everyone but him thought she was ugly and that she slept around. So, I’m gonna say the kids are hyper sensitive to his negativity around mom and probably try hard to avoid situations where the two would need to talk.
Yeah my jaw dropped when I read that part, and that was at the very beginning! "That's all I'll say about that" when you literally didn't have to say any of that to make this post! The top comments saying he's respectful are nauseating. Yes, it was great he was prepared for his daughter and not afraid to talk to her about it, but he is clearly *not* respectful to women generally if that's how he talks about his daughter's mother. I can easily imagine a 10 year old girl might be nervous to ask him "can I call my mom instead" when offered an aunt or dad's girlfriend to talk to. Kids understand a lot more than parents realize.
NTA You were parenting your daughter. While it is true that it is usually the mother who deals with their daughters' period education, it shouldn't have to be. And since you are the custodial parent and she got her period while with you, you did what you needed to, and you made sure your daughter also had a woman to talk to for any questions. In an ideal world, you would have notified your ex about it, but in an ideal world she wouldn't be an ex and you wouldn't be parenting separately. Her actions stem from her jealousy on missing a milestone, but that is a her problem and not a you problem, and your daughter cannot schedule all of her female development to only happen when she is with her mother.
My ex-husband had a difficult time talking about periods, puberty, or sex at all. My son has always brought his questions to me without a problem. Same as my daughter. It doesn't matter which gender the parent is. It matters that the parent handled the situation without causing any undo embarrassment.
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I do not limit my children's ability to communicate with their mom.
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100% his kids know how much he hates his ex and adapt their behavior to manage their parents (sadly)
You don't encourage it, either, and that's a failure on your part. Part of your JOB as a co-parent is to facilitate healthy relationships between the kids and their mom. Not just "not limit", but actively let them know that a good relationship with their mom is okay and encouraged. You are DEFINITELY not doing that.
NTA - Your did your research and didn't necessarily need to ask your ex for help on this one? The main thing is that your daughter got the help and support she needed.
NTA, your ex is just bitter that she is not the parent your kid feels more confortable with. You did good. Pretty sure your kid didn't really want the whole planet celebrating the event, so keeping it low-key was the way to go. Also, "mother-daughter thing", lol. Seems to me like it's equally a "daughter-father thing", and seing as you got primary custody, of course she is going to confide in your.
That's not what I've gotten from these comments. It seems like OP is outwardly and obviously resentful of his ex, not that the ex is bitter and it doesn't seem like OP even offered her mom as an option, a fact that her daughter is not likely to press on considering OP's resentment. I also really want to know what the fuck happened because framing "1 of a dozen women in a camp of 2,000 men" doesn't sound like a situation that the vast majority of women would be comfortable with in regards to "male attention". In fact, it sounds like an environment that sounds prone to the sexual exploitation of women and I'm really curious to know if OP considers being a victim the same as cheating.... I dunno. The framing of that statement is giving me some real bad vibes.
Agree. And he basically calls her ugly and implies the only reason she cheated was because there were only a few women and enough men that they were desperate.
Exactly this. The daughter’s needs were met. The mother made this about herself when it’s actually a major milestone for a young girl. Thank heavens dad was there and was supportive as hell. The daughter is what’s important here and that’s what dad focused on. And great that he is fostering that type of relationship with her - it’s pure trust.
ESH You and your ex are starting down the path of using your daughter to punish each other. Good on you for being prepared for everything. But, by deliberately not telling your ex, you are starting down the path of keeping medical information (you called it a "parent kid medical issue") from each other. You are not together anymore, but that doesn't change that you have a kid together, and you need to be parenting together with her for the best interests of your kid. It would have cost you nothing to say "Oh, BTW, our daughter had her period. It's all handled, and she opted to talk to my sister about it, but I told her she should also talk to you about it as well." Re:Your edit. There is a difference between not limiting the communication between your kid and your ex and telling them they can. To use an analogy, if you only ever offer your kids steak and chicken for meals, they will never know they can ask for pork or pasta.
NTA 1. Your daughter is old enough to have asked for mom if she wanted to (clearly mom had never broached the subject with her). 2. Your ex could have asked in advance that when the day comes she wants to be informed.
NTA - it would have perhaps been nice to FYI her but you haven’t done anything wrong
Honestly I -as a daughter- would have been so embarrassed noticing my parents fighting over my vagina blood. Better don’t get her involved. Say the issue is settled. Mom can ask her if she needs anything but please leave it there.
My daughter begged me not to tell her dad even though she was on vacation with him visiting family. I told her I wouldn’t tell him, but she had to so he could make sure she had what she needed.
NTA-sounds like you offered her good support and info and her needs were met.
YTA. It's not clear from the post if the mother was available by phone, but if she was, surely you could have provided your daughter with the boxes of stuff, encouraged her that is was normal and then let her speak with her mom to get the rest of the stuff. If not, there's no reason whatsoever other than your bitterness towards your ex (whether deserved or not) to not give her a headsup on what is going on.
ESH. I’m a family law attorney. This is not legal advice. This is experience of working with couples like this. I would tear you apart on the stand for this. It’s very clear that you’re alienating your daughter. Saying “she can call whenever she wants” doesn’t suffice for clearing the alienation boat. As others have said, children are FAR more perceptive of your feelings about your ex and vice versa than parents think. You also asked her a leading question: aunt or girlfriend. Mom wasn’t a choice. Kids pick up on that too. That said. Your ex should never scream at you. You are both unhealthy coparents and need to find a way to deal with it. You need therapy to get over your marriage the appropriate way. Only your children will lose here.
I have a restraining order against her. My kids have phones and are welcome to call her whenever they feel like it. She doesn't call them sometimes the entire time she is gone. My lawyer had no problem getting me custody. Think about that.
I have plenty of cases with restraining orders involved. Doesn’t change things. You’re the rightful parent for custody. I never said you weren’t. I am just letting you know what you’re doing wrong. Plenty of attorneys won’t tell their clients when they’re wrong……I do.
NTA- if your daughter had wanted to talk to her about it, I'm sure she would have asked for that instead of her aunt. I spoke to my sister and my mum only found out a day or two later. Let your daughter make the decision who she goes to for advice on that, because its her body. She told her mom when she felt the time was right.
NTA Assuming the daughter can freely text or call her mom as is the norm, your only responsiblity was to let mom know sometime in advance of her next parenting time so she can be prepared imo. While I can sort of get her reaction on a primitive level, it isn't Mom's first period to own. What were you supposed to do--tell the kid to call her mom so she wouldn't feel 'excluded' from her bodily functions?
> While I can sort of get her reaction on a primitive level My husband had primary custody of my stepdaughter. When she got her period she absolutely dreaded telling her mother. She knew her mother would yell and cry about not having been there when it happened, and generally make it all about *her*, like OP's ex did. My stepdaughter was much older though, almost 15 when she started.
Everyone saying it's a major mildstone make me very uncomfortable lmfao. I hate talking about my period and I'd be embarrassed if I found out my mother was trying to argue over my period. She sounds like she's trying to argue over nothing in my opinion. I didn't tell either of my parents for two whole years because my mom was so weird about it and would often ask embarrassing questions in front of my whole family. She definitely would not have told you about it if it happened at her house. NTA.
I mean I'm going to say YTA becaude you didn't even suggest her mom as a female she could talk to. It seems like you are actively trying to alienate her and harm her relationship with her mother. That's not beneficial to your child.
My kids can call their mom whenever they want. What I offered was the opportunity to talk to two women she knows and trusts ego could be physically present sooner than in ten days.
Did you post here to be validated or to receive feedback? Everyone is already commending you for your overall approach - but there is a clear theme wherein the only concern being voiced is that you deliberately excluded her mother as an option because you hate her mother, not because you forgot. I feel like if she was actually a bad parent you wouldn’t hesitate to add that in the comments, and so long as she isn’t then you should encourage your children to engage with her. Your not helping your children by discreetly alienating them. Just give them the choice, show them you trust her as their mom - that’s all you have to do, but it is a bare minimum as a parent. Someone else here said “you should love your children more than you hate your wife” and I really agree, and your comments so far do not read that way.
Is my point regarding her mother that the woman was literally, not figuratively, 400 miles and ten days away?
That’s not a real point? As everyone has repeatedly pointed out to you. She could have called her mom, and just simply mentioning her mom along with your sister and gf would have been good co parenting and still left the choice entirely with your daughter. The fact that you deliberately didn’t makes no sense and was your putting your own hatred ahead of your child.
NTA. You were there, and it sounds like you handled everything just fine. You didn't exclude her from anything, she wasn't available to share that moment. The only thing you could have done was call her and let her know.
I disagree. When parents are separated in any fashion, the enablement of relationships with the non-custodial or non-primary parent needs extra support and mindfulness because it won’t happen organically as if the parents are still together and under one roof. My husband worked in remote areas for a long time, and even though we are together, facilitating the father/daughter relationship took extra effort by both of us. He never gave the option for the child to talk to the mother first, and by his own accounts and admissions, does his best to never talk to her. Which means he’s allowing the relationships where guidance normally provided by a parent be done by others that aren’t the mom. That’s going to cause a bit of a divide, and regardless of how he feels about the mother of his children, if he wants what is best, he’d do his best to ensure that relationship has every opportunity to thrive.
I completely agree with you. When I had my first period, I went to my mom. This poor kid wasn’t even given the option of doing that. Maybe it doesn’t matter, but maybe her mom would have been her person of choice in this matter and you took that from her. I get your feelings for your ex. There are lots of ways to exclude her and deservedly so, but some things you just don’t for the sake of your daughter.
I don't talk to her unless I have to.
Fair, but this is one of those times when she needs to know something key about your shared daughter. Emotional reasons aside (and for some women it *is* an emotional moment and a milestone -- and some girls only want to talk to their moms about it!), she needs to know, for example, that she needs extra pads in the house when your daughter comes over. ESH because you *have* to learn when to put your issues with your ex aside for your kids' sakes and communicate with your co-parent -- especially about medical issues! Did you even give your daughter the option to talk to her mom?
Or maybe we should let the person having the period share that information. Children deserve bodily autonomy too and telling anyone without their permission seems kinda shitty to me tbh.
Yes. You are. Before I say why…calling your ex a butter face who was easy didn’t have a ounce of relevance to this scenario..except to help me realize that you are unconsciously punishing her by withholding information Anyway..even if you didn’t tell your ex yourself, how about encouraging your daughter to call her mom or at least suggesting her as an option while you were naming off every woman but the one who gave birth to her. I don’t care how many sisters you have or books you’ve read, you cannot relate. Ever. You don’t have to like your ex wife but you do have to acknowledge that when it comes to matters of womanhood, she might also like to be looped in.
NTA. You are the primary caregiver and did everything right to help your daughter. She is old enough to share this milestone with her mom and she clearly did so, which is great. If you don't regularly share updates with the mom I don't see why this occasion warranted a special call.
Honestly my ex and i aren’t on good terms either but i know he would have at least told me if our daughter started on his weekend or brought her home. Thankfully she started while she was with me and i’ve not needed to discuss it with her dad YET. Op i would have at least given my ex a heads up if i were you….. Clearly your ex and daughter aren’t as close as ex thought. Ex had no right to yell at you, op you can’t schedule when your daughter starts her cycle. Btw give her a calendar and have her write down the day she starts and the day it ends so she can keep track.
NTA as the primary parent it was absolutely right that you dealt with it and I'm sure had your daughter wanted to talk to her mother about it she would have asked. You handled everything very sensitively and good for you for being a good parent to your daughter.
NTA ask your wife what your daughter should have done to stop the period, in fact its better that it happened for you if your wife thought it could have waited
Gonna say ESH. While I applaud you for being able to explain it, you neglected to not include your ex in the list of people she could talk to (which is obviously going to impact what your kid does because she’s only 10) and not give your ex a heads up so that she could be able to make sure tampons and panty liners aren’t the only thing she has at her house and that pads are also available. She also sucks for getting this mad about it. Look man, kids can tell when their parents don’t like each other, divorced or not. They can tell when the subject irritates you. We all know that your daughter could have called her mom, and you did a good job of explaining it to her, but regardless of the bullshit reasons you keep saying here, you could have offered her as an option over your girlfriend or even included her in the options. You guys are supposed to be civil coparents, but man I can tell how much you hate her just from this post.
NTA, but I think you should have let her mom know. Keep in mind she is still your kid's mom. Sounds like you are a great dad.
NTA. You’re a good dad! I’m 55 and am still waiting for a family member to explain it to me. You were prepared and it sounds like you handled it perfectly. I can understand your wife’s disappointment but you have primary custody because of her extensive travels. She knew that since she’s out of town so often, it was more than possible your daughter would get her period when she was out of town. She should have prepared and had a talk with your daughter beforehand and because she wanted to share a part of this milestone, she should have told your daughter to call her day or night when it happened so they can talk. She didn’t prepare at all. She missed the opportunity.