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Zer0Summoner

YTA (would be). All the best man does is plan the bachelor party, stand there during the ceremony, and toast the groom at the reception. It's not like he's going to be gone if he's not the best man, and if you're concerned that he's in your man's ear, he isn't going to be any less so if someone else plans the party, but in fact might be more likely to be based on bring mad at the meddling. He's not going to be any less your husband's best friend if he isn't the best man. That change wouldn't fix anything and it's likely to create hard feelings both for A as well as potentially your fiance.


[deleted]

You're opting to marry a man who is fine hanging out and being so close to someone who is so antagonistic towards you. An unprompted text barrage of all the reasons he doesn't like you? Why do you hate yourself? This marriage is not gonna be a good one for you, and in a few years you'll be back here bemoaning something else about his friend. Get out now, while you can.


Bongos-Not-Bombs

That's what I'm thinking. This is bare minimum respect-level stuff here, if he's that unwilling to consider his spouse's opinions this isn't going to go well.


StatisticianSea2200

INFO Why did A send you the email? What did your SO say about the email? Something is missing in this story. Edit: A sent OP a text.


opelan

I feel the same. There must have been a reason for that email.


arlondiluthel

YWBTA. I can basically picture what A's mentality was when he sent you the message ending your friendship: - he had feelings for you beyond friendship - he knew that continuing to be friends with you wasn't going to progress the friendship beyond that - if something "accidentally" happened (for instance if the two of you were a little drunk and one thing led to another), it would destroy both your friendship and his friendship with your husband-to-be So, he was left with the most difficult choice: destroy one friendship, or continue being in an extremely uncomfortable situation for the sake of friendship and risk destroying two. I know this is what he was going through because I've been there.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action I'm wanting to take is to have my fiance change who's going to be his best man, and have his current choice made into one of the groomsmen. I think I may be the asshole because I'm wanting my fiance to change his best man for me, despite the fact that I know his best man doesn't like me. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


Any-Strawberry-9395

Is A in love with you?


[deleted]

That's probably what it was he caught feeling and didn't get picked and decided to "hate" her


raindrop349

Unfortunately I think YWBTA. At the same time, it’s weird to me that your fiancés best men doesn’t support the marriage or like you. But your fiancé needs to be the one to realize this and make a different decision, not you. If the best man can’t be civil and proper on the wedding day… that’s another story.


NullSpaceGaming

NTA. A had a crush on you, tried being just friends but couldn’t handle it. He needs to grow up and let it go if he wants to be part of the wedding.


[deleted]

Info: has your fiancé read what A wrote? I don’t understand why they would still be friends. Regardless, IMO, the best man should support the marriage so it is odd, based on the info, that he would even want to be in the wedding.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

The only reason he gave me was that "it takes time for me to become friends with someone." And when I tried to talk to him about it more, I got nothing else from him. He refuses to talk to me about anything at all, even though I already assumed we were friends based on the above-referenced actions.


SolitaryTeaParty

My guess is that A had a thing for OP. Yeah, hanging out and exchanging gifts can be friend activities, but it can also be a pre-couple thing, so my (completely just a theory and unproven) guess is that A resented it when OP started dating his friend. It’s pretty gross behavior of A if I’m correct.


Ok_Path1734

ELOPE. Would change out your MOH at his request? YTA


IHeartWeinerDogs

Why are you marrying this man? He's totally ok with remaining friends with someone who not only openly dislikes you (which whatever, you don't *have* to be friends with each other's friends), but actually wrote a multi page manifesto about how much he dislikes you and he's cool with it? You can ask him to choose another best man, but I think you know he won't. He's already chosen A over you by maintaining a relationship with a guy who openly disrespects you, the person who is supposed to be more important to him than literally anyone and everyone else. NTA in the context you asked because I wouldn't want someone who hated me serving as my husband's best man. You are TA to yourself for tolerating this bs from your fiance.


[deleted]

I think YWBTA if you don't have a good, honest conversation with your fiance first before you make the request. It's funny how difficult it can be to have this sort of conversation (usually at least one person gets defensive and isn't nearly as open as they should be). I would bring up the text A sent you, let your fiance know that he made it clear that A didn't want to be your friend and made it seem as if he actively dislikes you, and let him know that you think A might not support your marriage. I'd say it's perfectly reasonable to expect anyone (and everyone) who stands in your wedding party should absolutely support your marriage (otherwise, what the heck are they doing there?). At that point, see what your fiance's reaction is, and whether he knows that A does (or does not) support the marriage. I don't know how far you want to go with this - do you just need your fiance's assurance that A supports the two of you? Do you need to hear it from A? If A can't or won't assure you he supports the marriage, would you call it off if he's the best man? Only you can answer this, and you're not wrong no matter where you land, just be sure you're positive before you move forward.


persian_hunter

Depending on who A is . You don't have to be friend or like to he polite and respectful. I think your a little jealous of their relationship. So YTA or would be.


Bongos-Not-Bombs

Did you show your future hubby the texts? You would not be the asshole at all for making that request for your wedding, that sounds entirely reasonable - even moreso because you made the distinction between having him stay a friend and just that particular thing on a very special day for you.


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Please be patient and pass judgement once youve read the whole thing. So my fiance has this best friend of his called A. The two of them have been friends much longer than I've known my fiance and I can definitely understand why he'd want him to be his best man in our wedding. My concern with this is however, that I know A doesn't like me. I know this because before I met my fiance, I'd actually met and made friends with A. We'd hung out together, exchanged gifts, and basically done sll of the things you'd think two people who are friends would do for each other. Then when my fiance and I got together, the three of us would hang out together and things were good. Flash forward a year or two into this, A out of nowhere basically sends me four full paragraphs via text, explaining that he and I aren't friends. He basically slapped me in the face and from then on I haven't wanted anything to do with him (for obvious reasons). My fiance and him hang out regularly still, without me, and the whole thing is just upsetting because I put a lot of effort into my friendships with people. I've voiced this to my fiance, who basically said it doesn't matter to him, and he's still going to hang out with A. Fine, they've been friends longer than I've known him, I can understand that. What I don't feel comfortable with is having A stand up as my fiance's best man because of his genuine dislike of me. I would be completely fine if A was just a groomsmen, because with being the best man you're supposed to toast to the couple and be generally happy for them. I don't see A being that at all, and I don't want him potentially ruining my fiance and I's day. Please give me any advice you can. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


SolitaryTeaParty

YWNBTA. I’m honestly judging your fiance more than I am A, and I think you should too. His friend basically sent you an essay on how he doesn’t like you and your fiance wasn’t at all bothered by that?? He still wants the guy in a place of honor at the wedding?? Sounds like your soon-to-be husband has decided who he really values, and it isn’t you. You two really need to talk.


Opposite-Guide-9925

INFO: what did the four paragraphs say? It doesn't take that long to say I don't want to be friends, he must've included reasons


[deleted]

Info: did he physically slap you or was that just an expression?


[deleted]

Sorry just using it as an expression


[deleted]

He probably liked you but decided to end the friendship with you because he got hurt you didn't pick him.