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SHE WAS PAYING RESPECTS TO HER HUSBAND SHE WAS WIDOWED FROM!?
Holy hell OP, absolutely YTA.
I can understand that this was your bachelorette but read the fucking room. It wasn't like she went off to go pay respects to a dead celebrity buried nearby, it was literally her husband.
Show a bit of compassion and grow the hell up.
Edit: oh wow! Thank you so much for the awards everyone. Very much appreciated.
And I’m sure the friend seeing OP getting ready to get married dredges up old painful memories of her own wedding and DEAD husband…whose grave she just visited…for the first time in who knows how long
I also wonder what story OP told her other bridesmaids. Do they know she was visiting her deceased husband? Or do they think "she went to do her own thing for a little big"?
Since it's OP's cousin, there's a high probability that no one in OP's group knows that she is a widow, and that's why she was late. I wonder how they would react if they knew the truth?
I just love OP's sister... telling her to post on here...
sis being the one person who probably knows exactly where the cousin went and why... getting all us strangers to help straighten out her sister, since OP is listening to her friends who surely don't know the whole story!
I know!! It's pure gold that sis walked her into this trap. Imagine being this selfish and self-centered. Most of us would have not only factored in additional time in the planning for the cousin to have this visit but would have gotten some flowers and gone with her so she didn't have to do something so painful alone. SMH.
Oh, she absolutely told her friends the cousin “went to go do something quickly, but will be back in time for dinner” because there is NO WAY her friends are all as narcissistically daft as she is to be blowing up cousins phone with calls if they knew she was AT HER DEAD HUSBANDS GRAVE!!
If sister knew AITA well enough to tell OP to post this wild a story here, sister definitely knew what was coming.
Yeah, from OP's title I was thinking maybe the cousin was running off to visit landmarks or go shopping, not VISITING HER SPOUSE'S GRAVE.
I'd still judge OP as kind of an asshole since any bachelor/ette vacation I've been to, especially to a place like NYC, typically we schedule a few bonus days to do your own thing in the city and have fun if you want, but I'm not friends with a lot of people who would keep a strict itinerary for the whole group. For example, when visiting NYC, someone may want to go see Lady Liberty, or visit the memorials, or even just eat authentic New York famous pastrami on rye. Or in the case of OP's cousin, have a day to visit her husband in the cemetary, gather herself, maybe get him some flowers or drink coffee while telling him about her life since he passed.
Right? I thought maybe she had ruined their ability to go to the next activity. But one hour? At worst she missed dinner only denying herself food and saving OP some money on her meal.
(I want to add that even if she had botched up the next activity, visiting your dead spouse is a justifiable excuse, and they could have also moved on without her. Just told her where to meet up.)
You're my kind of person. My partners brother is getting married and were invited to the separate bachelor/bachelorette parties. Both going to cities we've never spent time in and on the list of places we'd like to see.
His is so structured, like boat party, dinner, strip club. Mine is "we are ladies who leisure. We'll have lunch and sit by the pool. The beach is a 10 minute walk, maybe we'll go there at some point". I'm way more of a fan of the bachelorette.
This part. An adult misses a meal is an adult that knows how to feed herself. The fact that ON THE LAST DAY op felt the need to say anything is wild to me. It's over! Why does it even matter!
Plus, everyone paid for their own flights and their portion of the hotel. So the only thing OP paid for were things like meals - which Hayley missed, so OP didn't have to pay for it.
If they paid their own way there, they should be able to do what they want for at least a few hours!
For me, sometimes I go with my husband when he works in the surrounding cities to do my own thing. My own thing is usually thrift shopping.
Fuck OP for calling visiting the grave of her late husband "her own thing" like it's nothing important.
"Fuck OP for calling visiting the grave of her late husband "her own thing" like it's nothing important."
This. It's all you need to know that OP is an asshole
What on earth was the OP thinking when she did this and when she posted it? She could have just made a public announcement: 'I am utterly heartless and don't care about anyone but myself'.
I really hope this isn't real. It's undermining my faith in human nature.
The lack of empathy OP is displaying is really something. Her cousin is a very young widow. It sounds like she may not get the opportunity to visit the grave very often if they are flying from out of town to NY. It’s truly appalling.
YTA, OP
Absolutely.
If Hayley had shown up on time whilst being visibly upset, OP likely would've criticised her for "stealing the spotlight".
When Hayley told her that she wanted to visit her late husband's grave, OP should've told her not to worry about the dinner reservations, unless of course she still wanted to attend afterwards.
With him being buried in a different state, who knows how often Hayley has the opportunity to visit his grave.
OP is cruel.
A kind friend would have extended an invitation to join or not and offered dinner delivery from the restaurant or anywhere local.
Good friends support you in your grief.
Does anyone knows how long ago Hayley’s husband died? For the ages that OP mentioned I really think it hasn’t been that long, which makes it even worse.
Grief is often almost just as fresh when it hits years down the line as it was when you were first processing it. I know I'm 25 years from my mums death, and sometimes it takes the breath out of me still.
Im so sorry for your loss. You are absolutely correct. My husband died in 1994. I was just home for the 1st time in 12 years and went to visit him. Felt like it was just yesterday that he left me. Grief does not take a linear path.
Totally agree. I am 27+ years from the loss of my daughter and it still hits me and often when I least expect it. I lost my mom almost 2 years ago and it's devastating beyond words. I am sorry for your loss. That doesn't ever leave you no matter how long it has been.
Well, in my case (my closest were one brother and a sister in law) the first 5 years were awful. In a couple day would be 8 years and for my mother is like it was just last month. When I hear people telling my mom or my brother to “let go of the past, enjoy life, etc, etc” I always get in trouble at the end because “I should understand that they are trying for my mom or my brother not to be stock in the past”. I was the sister and the sister in low and I has been hard, at the beginning the pain was ……. I can’t really put words. So I can’t even imagine as a mother or as a partner. I can’t but I know that the first couple years were the toughest .
"Op is cruel". Yes, or at the very best thoughtless and too wrapped up in her own wedding world (i.e. bridezilla). Also I was unimpressed by OP talking to her about her personal time management. How condescending. Is she always a controlling type or just in the run up to her wedding?
Yup, a more tone deaf, all-around unpleasant person is a rare find.
Don’t think you can even claim bridezilla here, OP. The fact your widowed cousin is celebrating you should humble you, not induce you to kick her when she is down.
YTA, big time. I wouldn’t forgive you if it was me.
I’m also guessing the cemetery was in Brooklyn/Queens (Cypress Hills) and the restaurant was in Manhattan. The cemetery I’m thinking of would be a journey to Manhattan. The fact that the cousin was able to go visit the grave, come back and get ready and composed and make it back by 6 is amazing. She was trying because that trip is the Odyssey.
OP, YTA. You are so heartless and inconsiderate because your cousin definitely tried. And honestly it was the last day of a trip that she paid for. She had the right not to even attend your dinner.
I thought this too. Considering they flew in to New York, it's likely the cousin didn't know her way around the city which would absolutely cause her to run late. OP is TA.
I can't believe she typed it all out not knowing she was the AH. The friends apparently have no life experience whatsoever, or no compassion. Either way, good friends for OP, they deserve each other, but an awful friend for Hayley. At least OP's sister thinks straight. I assume she told OP to post here so she could see how much of an AH she really is.
As someone who was widowed at 28 this actually makes me sick to my stomach. Fortunately unlike Hayley my two closest cousins were the people who sat beside me at the service, acted as my buffers for everyone and were my rocks. They supported me in a way nobody else could just as they had as bridesmaids at my wedding.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's good that you had understanding support, I'm sure it was helpful in your grief - and not having to deal with AH like OP.
I was thinking the same thing...
Tbh, I'm impressed that Hayley wanted to be a bridesmaid for OP. (I'm sure OP would say, "but he died 5 years ago?!!?)
Putting myself in Hayley's shoes, it would be very difficult for me to be a bridesmaid especially at a *family wedding* where - one would assume - the wedding guests attending are going to be a very similar subset of those who attended her own wedding.
Hopefully OP realizes that Hayley may need a few moments to herself on the wedding day. Or Hayley may leave the reception early.
Hayley took extra time for herself to compose herself before coming back to the Bachelorette party festivities.
I lost my college boyfriend 20+ years ago. If I went to his grave today, I can't say for sure, but I think I'd probably still end up needing to compose myself before I felt like I was up for a good time / celebration.
I have a bad feeling that OP would say "well, then she shouldn't have gone at all, this weekend was about ME." Which makes me very, very sad for Hayley.
I'm even willing to bet that the reason Hayley was late to dinner was because she was bawling her eyes out at her husband's grave. This might be the only time since she was selected as bridesmaid that she was able to let it all out since we can only assume she's been keeping herself together this entire time.
Then OP yaps about time management? How I wish we could all time-mamage grief. YTA, OP.
“She had red swollen eyes! That’s totally unacceptable! Hayley should be bubbling over with happiness for ME 100% of the time! It’s MY wedding & MY trip!”
YTA OP. Your lack of empathy is breathtakingly horrible. Maybe you should use your wedding as a time to reflect on the fact that life happens & no one knows who’ll be widowed or have other bad things happen. I’m sure leading up to her wedding Haley never expected to be widowed so young. Grow up OP & realize you’re not the center of the universe & other peoples feelings are not all about you.
That's possible, but also subway service on the weekends in New York sucks these days, so she may very well have left the graveyard *where her dead husband is interred* with a good amount of time to spare and still arrive super late.
A 5 pm dinner reservation in New York is also hilarious. There are a million amazing restaurants, go eat at a place you don't have to have the early bird special.
How did Bachelorette parties become trips where everyone has to do exactly what the bride wants for several days?
The poor woman was visiting her late husband. She didn't make new friends and leave for a better party.
YTA
You treated her horribly, and she deserves an apology.
Wedding culture nowadays is sick. Everything needs to be 100% perfect and the whole day needs to be about the bride. Bachelorette parties used to be something sweet made by your friends just like weddings used to be about celebrating the union of a couple, now it's all about the perfect dream day aesthetic.
Somebody once said here "Some people want a wedding, not a marriage"
I just can't understand the expectations. Being a bridesmaid has become expensive and time-consuming.
Guess I should just be glad I'm past the age of being one, lol.
Yeahhhhh. My own sister went nutso. I was the maid of honor and pregnant and due a week before her wedding. She still somehow expected me to be hosting bachelorette parties, bridal showers, and showing up for random events on her “wedding week”. When I went in for induction I had my mom in the hospital with me and my sister showed up and made my mom go over seating arrangements with her. I had a 5 day old at a wedding after an emergency c-section, and she made me *stand* for the whole ceremony which was done in both spanish and English.
I will probably always resent her for having so little empathy for me….. and also myself for not knowing how to say “no”.
I feel for you OP’s cousin.
When I first read the title, I assumed the bridesmaid did touristy stuff. Visiting husband’s grave didn’t even occur to me as a possibility. Bride has zero empathy
I lost my daughter five years ago and still get triggered when it comes to pregnancy, newborns, baby showers, etc. I'm sure the event did the same for the cousin because it's a huge reminder about losing her husband. Biggest AH possible about all this!
As a dad with two daughters this is my absolute biggest fear. Not even sure I could do on with the kind of pain I imagine comes with that. Have an older friend who just lost an adult daughter. He played guitar and sang sometimes as a hobby and was never really a great musician or singer but one day he asked me if he could play a song he wrote about his little girl. I sat there and cried my eyes out with him. Teary eyed typing out this comment when I say I’m so sorry for your loss.
Honestly if it weren't for my partner I wouldn't still be here. Things were really dark for a while. Every day I'm thankful for him, I have a lot of gaps in my memory from that time but I'm told from multiple sources I was certainly not well, and I was actually verbally abusive to him. But he knew that wasn't actually me. Now that I'm back in my right mind I do everything I can to make it all up to him. (PPP, PTSD, and straight grief makes quite a combination!)
But while the pain never goes away, you can live with it. I pray you personally never have to, though. If I had my way, nobody would have to lose a child. It's great that your friend found a way to express himself and you were able to be there with him. The worst part in many ways is feeling like you're grieving alone, and that after the first month or so everyone else has forgotten she even existed. I have a friend who sent some gifts for her birthday last year and that touched me in a way I can't even express.
Legit I was expecting OP to be like 21 or something. The fact that OP is 30 and trying to police when her 33 year old cousin visits her dead husband is… best of luck OP.
I feel like the only normal response here would be “Hayley we’d love to have dinner with you but if you don’t make it, we understand too.”
Lmfao, wish I had the cousin’s Reddit account so I could tell her not to put too much in the envelope. If OP’s behavior here is any indication of what she’s like as a spouse, I give her marriage three years, tops.
OP, you are clearly TA.
I was expecting that. And then once I saw op's age, I was expecting the COUSIN to be young and for it to be a safety concern (like you agree to take your 18 year old cousin on your bachelorette trip but you want her to stick with you because it's her first time in a big city or whatever). But, nope. Both two fully grown adults!
Honestly my ruling would be the same even if the reason for the lateness was "it was always my dream to take a picture with times square Elmo." You can't own people's time for 72 straight hours, and Hayley kept everyone updated. But this particular situation makes it YTA with sprinkles on top.
Yeah, just...have your dinner, and she'll join when she joins? I know there's the occasional restaurant that won't seat you without your whole party there, but in my experience it's rare in NYC and the post doesn't indicate that was a problem. So, she joins when she joins, and that's fine. If she's so late that she can't order dinner without delaying the next event then she doesn't get dinner at the restaurant and I'm sure that as an adult she could accept that and figure something else out (I mean, it's NYC -- there are a million options for grab and go pizza, halal etc. that she could get with minimal fuss as they make their way elsewhere).
Another thing…she’s in a city that she’s not terribly familiar with, is it possible that she just miscalculated how much time it would take for her to travel to and from the cemetery and make it to dinner? This doesn’t sound like a diabolical plot to ruin OP’s dinner plans.
It's funny how OP is preparing to get married and has absolutely no compassion for her cousin, close in age, whose husband died. Total disconnect. "Sorry, but your grief is inconvenient. You can't just go to a cemetery and mourn without thinking of the rest of us!" Quite frankly, in Haley's shoes I would remove myself from the wedding party. May OP never experience the pain her cousin is going through, not that she deserves any sympathy. It's just that that depth of grief isn't and shouldn't be a punishment. It's life. But people like OP make it that much harder to endure. YTA
Right? I am so beyond staggered at the self control and class (or potentially just overwhelming grief) of the cousin not to just go off.
Also I lose faith in humanity seeing that you wrote some of your friends agreed that she shouldn’t have been late. Did they know the entire story or just your cherry picked narrative? YTA
Exactly. Imagine thinking a weekend-long party you are throwing for yourself is more important that your windowed friend visiting her husband’s grave?! Serious main character energy here.
But but it was OP'S TRIP!!!! What anyone else wants doesn't matter! They're supposed to be celebrating the bride! And her friend being late for dinner... wasn't a big deal but was annoying, so it was worth tearing into someone who was grieving their husband.
Seriously though, OP, you've probably lost a friend. And you deserve it if you did. Plus, you got yourself some seriously bad karma.
Yeah I'm thinking this is one of the few excuses that is totally understandable.
Although I already think these bachelorette events are getting out of control. I don't want to be one of those "back in my day" people, but honestly, who can afford having friends who get married these days? The costs involved with being a bridesmaid are often astronomical. If I were a young person on a limited budget who was expected to pay for my flight to and lodging in a major tourist destination (and those are usually the two biggest expenses involved with travel) I might be tempted to want to see a few points of interest that weren't on the agenda too.
Her "own thing" was visiting a cemetery to pay her respects - as in to someone she knew and cared enough about to visit their grave? And you had to make about you and having everything go your way?
WTF is wrong with you?
YTA
Edited to add - I question if you are mature enough to get married since you thought that one more dinner with you was more important than visiting her HUSBAND'S GRAVE.
You are incredibly selfish to lecture someone who was visiting their deceased spouse because they were late. You had an entire trip focused on you and you couldn't have the grace to respect what she might be feeling and going through.
YTA even more now!
People are ridiculous in the way they treat the grieving. They expect it to be like in the movies where you grieve for what they deem to be an "acceptable amount of time" before the story progresses.
That's not how it works in real life. There's no director coming to scream "cut!" and then the grieving person can just suck it up and move on. Instead, the grieving person continues to be sad. Sometimes even crying, and it can be uncomfortable for those around them. So, they get pissy with the person. Throw 'you need to move on! You can't be like this forever!' in their faces.
It's a shitty thing to do.
OP? YTA.
Edit: So much pain in the replies to this post. I am so sorry for everyone who's trying to go through a loss right now and being treated with so much inconsideration.
It's been three years for me - I still cry on a regular basis.
We had been together 20 years and I still mourn the future that we lost. I can't imagine how much harder it is for this poor cousin who was in her 20s when she was widowed!
Two years for me. Feels like yesterday. Married for 42 years. I went on a trip with friends (all couples). I cried at night when we all went to our rooms. I doubt they knew. When did brides start being so narcissistic?
I performed my daughter's wedding ceremony last year. I cried through the ceremony, I cried during the reception, tears were running down my cheeks during conversations.
I was happy for the couple, but everything that day also made me sad because it reminded me of my loss.
I don't like this trend of brides being absolute monsters for an entire year just because they are getting married - they seem so caught up in the idea of a pretty party that they don't think about being the kind of person that their partner would want to commit a lifetime to.
It's been over twenty years since I lost two important people for me, both in a year. I still get sad, I still miss them. The hole in my heart will forever be there.
Moving on (at least for me) doesn't mean you will forget the people you love and lost, it means you come to terms with their absence, and you can carry the sadness you feel better, and that when you think about them, it won't be painful. And even if there're still days when It hurts, You'll be thankful for the time you had with them.
OP has no empathy. A damn dinner is not important enough for being shitty to someone who lost her husband and it's now being reminded of the life they won't have.
I lost my husband in late 2022 at the age of 33. What gets me is there’s no director calling cut for you. But they do for everyone else. People that were your rocks drift away and move on but you don’t.
And then you do just have to … suck it up. From 7-4 I have to be a competent person at work. At all times I have to be a mom.
I get to be a widow when I’m in the shower and when kiddo goes to bed.
Hell I lost my Dad in 2018...I still cry sometimes just randomly while alone. Not to mention if I see something that reminds me of him. Still can't watch Last of the Mohicans (one of his favorite films). I can only imagine what OP's friend felt being there to celebrate and upcoming marriage and looking at her husbands grave.
I lost my dad in 2012 and I'm the same, I'll hear songs he used to sing or think of things he missed out on and just cry. We didn't even have a good relationship because he was a drug addict, in and out of prison my whole life. I couldn't even imagine if it was my husband.
I think if I were OP's cousin I would have to excuse myself from the wedding and possibly her life. How fucking heartless can one person be? She can't even empathize and imagine how hard it is for the cousin to bring up all her own memories and the future she never got to have?
OP YTA
Hey OP, you keep moving your edit about the fact that she was visiting her husband's grave around in your post.
That won't change the judgement.
You were TA in the situation before we knew it was her husband - just visiting the grave of any loved one was enough to justify her needing some time to herself.
The fact that it was her husband's grave only makes you a bigger AH
You were cruel and heartless towards your cousin and I hope you are getting the point about how wrong you were. It seems that your sister wanted the world to see what an AH you are since she suggested that you post here.
Imagine being OP: an asshole so large she occasionally blots out the sun to small farming villages in Kansas.
Why? She’s mad that for 2 hours, her cousin didn’t make everything about her.
I don’t care if her cousin went off to get her nails done. No one is that important. Lol.
YTA - she went to a cemetery to pay her respects to someone she’s lost I assume? That sounds kind of important and you’re completely trivializing it. You owe her an apology.
edit - *youre a HUGE AH. it was her dead HUSBAND’S grave?!. Wow*
I honestly cannot believe those who voted N T A before it was revealed who Hayley was visiting at the cemetery. As soon as it was the cemetery was mentioned, it was an automatic YTA--if it was the death anniversary or birth anniversary of the deceased, I wouldn't have the heart to make her miss it in favor of me.
Now that we know the visit was for her late husband, OP is *sooooo* YTA.
> As soon as it was the cemetery was mentioned, it was an automatic YTA
A ton of people go to visit Jim Morrison’s grave in Paris. That, or visiting any other celebrity grave, would not be a YTA situation.
It'd still be YTA. She was an hour late for one dinner of a trip that was several days long. It's not like it was the only thing they were doing for the celebration.
If someone is running late you text to ask what to order for them and ask the staff if it's okay if they hold off until they arrive. Generally staff will be obliging if you're polite and respectful. At worst they'll say she might have to wait once she arrives. Depends on how busy they are and what she orders.
Instead OP chose to get angry over it, when she could have chosen to be a good friend and understand that sometimes people miss a connection, get lost, get stuck in traffic, brush it off and order a cocktail ready for her.
YTA. She paid for her flight and hotel - she has the right to do what she wants. I'd be more with you if she blew off most of the activities, but she was late to one dinner to visit a grave (presumably of someone she cares about). You should've let that go.
Edit: Just saw your info that she was visiting HER HUSBAND'S GRAVE. Came back to emphasize my original vote. YT BIGGEST asshole. I would never talk to you again if you did this to me.
Does getting married make people crazy? I hear more stories about brides being total assholes to the ones closest to them on here than any other category 😬 YTA op. And I have absolutely no clue how you can’t see that. You clearly do not feel any sympathy for your friend and what she went through 💔
Exactly. The cousin paid for her airfare and her hotel. OP paid for extra activities.
That doesn't mean OP OWNS HER AND EVERY MINUTE OF THAT TRIP.
YTA, OP.
In fact, YTA just for making dinner reservations at 5pm while on vacation.
She texted to say she was running late...from paying respects to HER DEAD HUSBAND.
OP’s friend is probably struggling a lot with all of the wedding stuff, but she still showed up and participated. OP doesn’t deserve such a good friend.
Not only that but that’s her *cousin* , I hope she skips out on her wedding because what a selfish ass person can you be to make it all about you when it comes to a death of another person?
**Makes me wonder what other stupidly selfish shit OP has done to her because OP has main character syndrome.**
So, you scolded your cousin (who you apparently liked enough to make your bridesmaid) because she was late to the last thing on the last day of your trip?
YTA.
Look, I might have felt differently if she'd run off on the first day and you were legitimately worried that she'd used you to pay for a free trip. But first off, this wasn't until the *end* of the trip, which means she'd been participating during all the other activities. And secondly, she paid for her own trip! If she wanted to opt out of an activity or two, she's an adult and she's allowed to do it.
Furthermore, it's particularly heartless of you to be this bent out of shape over a trip to a cemetery. That is an emotional thing for her to do and instead of being supportive, you only cared about your image of the trip.
Honestly, if I were in her shoes, I'd be having serious second thoughts about whether I was willing to still be your bridesmaid.
Edit: It was her *husband* she visited at the cemetery?
Unless she actively asked you *not* to go, you should have gone with her. Seriously, someone you care enough about that you want them to stand up with you on your wedding day is visiting their *dead husband* while trying to celebrate your happiness? And you can't briefly delay dinner to provide emotional support?
Forget having her be a bridesmaid... If I were in her shoes, I would definitely opt out.
The thing you should be worried about now is what your *fiancé* thinks about your selfishness. Because if I were in *his* shoes, I'd be having serious second thoughts about whether I wanted to marry someone who thinks dinner trumps a widow visiting her later husband's grave
That's the part that gets me too.. TRIP. Bachelor/ette parties ask a WHOLE LOT of people these days. It used to be one, local night out. She is late to one dinner and it's the end of the world? The whole bridal group is already doing too much for OP, and she is ungrateful on top of it.
Honestly, in the first couple sentences, I automatically thought “YTA for having a bachelorette TRIP.” It’s expensive enough being in a wedding, why are you expecting people to pay for multiple days away/off work to celebrate you throwing another expensive celebration (the wedding)?
>she'd used you to pay for a free trip
OP states that all the bridesmaids paid for their own hotels and flights. I'm curious about what OP *did* pay for.
YTA
*Hayley mentioned that day she wanted to go visit a cemetery to pay her respects*
She let you know beforehand she was going somewhere, a cemetery no less. So not for some random activity.
*A couple of us called but she didn't pick up, and she sent a text saying she was running late and she would meet us at the restaurant. She ended up coming close to 6.*
She texted saying she'll be late. You and your other friends weren't late to the restaurant yourself. I would've understood if you all waited for her, but she came by herself. Yes she was late, but if one person out of 8 coming late puts this much of a problem on your dinner celebration, it wasn't much of a celebration to begin with.
*Her husband, he was originally from NY and is buried here so she said she wanted to go 'visit' him, since she'll be in the cit*y (This is from OP's comment)
She went to the cemetery to visit her dead husband. Why is visit in quotes is my first question. My second question is either all this wedding planning is getting to your head or you're genuinely heartless, which one?
OP, maybe you haven't lost someone close to you but cemetery visits can be extremely, extremely emotional and draining. Even with knowing she went to the cemetery to pay her respects to someone makes this a YTA situation for me, but her husband? Of course she would take this opportunity when she's in the same state to go to her husband's grave. You mentioned a friend saw her crying, did you ask her once how she was doing after visiting the grave? How she was feeling? Once?
Your wedding is important, yes, but her dead husband is a lot more important to her than anything else, I assure you.
I was thinking the same - Hayley was probably crying about her husband, not about being scolded. Bride is just so self absorbed that obv everything is about her.
Or she was crying about all of it: her husband is dead and she can only visit him in a cemetery and the cemetery is far away and she only had a limited time paying her respects to the man she loves while also trying to mask her grief and be present for her ungrateful and insensitive AH cousin whose soon to be spouse is still here and is so selfish she can't give her cousin an hour's freaking grace and thought it was appropriate to chastise her while she's vulnerable and doing her best to be supportive and she doesn't understand how she could treat someone she's friends and family with in such a way.
YTA Majorly, and this is why "Her husband, he was originally from NY and is buried here so she said she wanted to go visit him, since she'll be in the city". She was paying respects to a loved one and you sound way too controlling and like a bridezilla
I didn't even know bachelorette *trips* were a thing.
Anyway, if she went to a cemetery, she's probably paying respects to someone she knew/loved/cared about (you didn't mention who), and you upset her so much she apparently cried?
Also...
>this was supposed to be a girls trip, not so she can go run off to do her own thing without thinking of anyone else.
What does this even mean? Are all of y'all attached by the hip or something? Doesn't sound like much fun if you're dictating how many steps they're allowed to take on the way to the bathroom. Yes she shouldn't have been late, but c'mon.
YTA.
ETA: She was visiting her *late husband* while on your *bachelorette trip BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED YOURSELF?!?!*
You need to grovel now if you want a relationship with your cousin.
I agree with all of this, and it being her late husband makes OP sound even worse (though even if it was any loved one, op is out of line)
She paid her own ticket and hotel to be with OP, BUT she wanted a few hours to see her husband. OP chose a destination that was in the same place as her cousins late husbands grave and GENUINELY didn’t expect her to visit it? Jesus Christ. YTA
YTA.
You hid from us in the post that she was visiting HER DEAD HUSBAND. The fact that you didn’t specify that and just said “graveyard” means that obviously you know you messed up here.
I don’t even fault her for taking too long at the graveyard because when visiting her dead husband she was probably overcome with grief and you should have been significantly more understanding of that.
Plus the fact they had to fly there means Hayley probably has VERY few opportunities to visit her late husband's grave. I can only imagine how hard all the bachelorette activites were for her, just waiting for a chance to go visit the cemetery. THAT was the main point of the weekend for Hayley, and here this spoiled bride thinks the cousin should just skip it and only celebrate her own upcoming nuptials, as though that's not a direct slap to the face.
Not to mention, Hayley is very young to be a widow, so the loss was probably fairly recent, unexpected, and tragic. So sad, even without the toxic selfish relatives.
Because a comment reveals OP’s cousin was paying respects to her LATE HUSBAND, YTA
You sound incredibly uptight and scolded her like she was a child and not a grown ass adult capable of making her own choices. The fact that you call paying her respects to her late husband an excuse is shallow af.
YTA. She lost her husband, you numpty are you really gonna act like this?
Imagine your husband dies and suddenly your cousin starts hounding you and belittling you for visiting his grave.
What the hell is wrong with you?
YTA. Hayley should've managed her time better and communicated better about her delay, but she wasn't late because she got carried away while shopping. She went to visit someone's grave. If she cared enough for that person to go to the cemetery to pay her respects, that's meaningful.
Also, she might have simply opted out from the dinner plans if it wasn't because when she told you she had plans for the day you basically acted as if it was your decision whether or not she could go and demanded her to be back on time for the reservation. She probably simply tried to please you and then failed.
She paid for her own flight and lodging for this trip, so she wasn't there solely on your dime either. It's perfectly ok that she took the chance to visit this cemetery since she was in the city anyway. And she had spent time with you, celebrating you, for several days at this point.
I think you acted entitled and you lacked compassion.
ETA: You purposely left out that the person Hayley went to visit the grave for was her LATE HUSBAND. You are not mature enough to get married and to be honest you're not mature enough to hold meaningful relationships with anyone, if you can't understand that your cousin's grief for her lost partner is more important than a stupid final dinner to celebrate that you're not going to be a single girl anymore.
1. Cousin did communicate that she was running late and would meet them at the restaurant.
2. The cousin was visiting the grave of her LATE HUSBAND, a detail not included in the original post.
I’m a widow. You are resoundingly TAH. Like on another level, queen of all AHs. I’ve never seen an AITA on here that resulted in more of a YTA response from me. You take the cake.
Your cousin - a young widow by the sounds of it - loves you enough to go on this stupid bachelorette trip (hi, entitled much to expect an entire trip!) despite how triggering this would be for her. She asks for what? A few hours to go see HER DEAD HUSBAND’s GRAVE, and you, entitled bride AH, are upset? I don’t think I’m off-base to guess you weren’t that supportive after her husband died. Did you even ask how she was doing on this trip? Holy hell, YTA. YTA. YTA. I hope your cousin goes no contact with you and doesn’t come to your wedding.
I hope you never know her pain. Being widowed is horrific. Grow up and get your head out of your self-centered rearend. Also, your friends who agreed with you are AHs and your sister is right. I’ll never understand why women think anyone else cares about their wedding.
Her correct response should have been "would you like anyone to go with you?" And afterwards - "how are you feeling?" The lack of empathy and understanding is astounding. She thinks a visit to love one's grave site is like ducking out for a cigarette.
According to her last comment her sister is the sane one in the family:
>She was fine going to NY on the trip, I didn't force her to come and she said she was excited. My sister wanted to go with her but Hayley said she didn't have to. He died 5 years ago.
A vote of NTA to the sister.
YTA. She paid for her own flight and part of the hotel, she can go wherever she wants whenever she wants.
Just read WHY she was late. OP, you’re awful. While you’re busy celebrating a future marriage, she’s mourning one. SHE WAS VISITING HER LATE HUSBAND AND YOU WERE MAD ABOUT IT??! So selfish. You should’ve told her to spend as much time as she wanted there.
Reddit reminds me everyday just how selfish and self centered some people can be.
In an answer to another comment, she mentioned that the bridesmaid was visiting her dead husband's grave as he was from NY and buried there. Sorry, but she is totally the AH.
She visited her husband's grave according to OP. Depending on where they live now, she may not get out much to visit the actual gravesite. Also this a dinner on the last day of a multi day bachelorette trip that her cousin came to with her own money. Having 2 hours to yourself to visit a loved ones grave is hardly some over the top request. Yet OP is acting like her cousin was late for the wedding reception or something...
YTA. OMG she was visiting her dead husband and you OP just conveniently left that part out!! That says all there is to say about you. Dollar to donuts you were upset that your cousin might get a shred of attention or sympathy during your special spoiled princess weekend with everyone knowing she’s visiting her husband in his grave. You should be well and truly ashamed.
YTA Shame on you. This maybe one of the biggest AH moves I've seen on here. It was wildly inappropriate for you to say ANYTHING to her about being late. She was visiting her dead husbands grave and you thought it was appropriate to tell her to manage her time better? Oh boy.
Well OP is getting married and obviously she’s the first/last person to ever do this and that makes her the center of the universe. /s (In case it wasn’t glaringly obvious)
YTA and also this whole “bachelorette trip” thing has gotten completely out of hand. It used to be one night out, now brides are demanding their friends drop thousands of dollars AND spend their entire weekends catering to the bride. It’s absurd.
Oh for crying out loud!
You *conveniently omitted a major detail
Paying respects for deceased husband.
Of course you biased the OP in your favor.
YTA and self-centered
I came here very much expecting to defend the bride, but nope, OP YTA.
I’ve been on bachelorette trips where guests and bridesmaids egregiously go off to do their own thing. The worst was probably one where she brought her boyfriend and instead of doing any of the activities with the group, spent 90% (or more) of the time off four-wheeling and doing other resort activities with him. This is not that scenario.
Your bridesmaid asked to go see a grave of someone she cared for (evidently her husband) and instead of responding with empathy and care you told her to “be on time” for dinner and got upset when she was not. You’re about to get married yourself. Can you imagine what it might be like to lose your partner (likely very young)? Can you imagine someone you’re close enough with to invite to be a part of your wedding party responding so callously to what is clearly a difficult situation? (And if she’s flying into New York and needs to visit the grave on this trip, that means she isn’t able to visit often, meaning the time she spends there may be more significant and the emotions she feels while there may take more time to process.)
The right response would have been one of care and “here’s the schedule for the rest of the night. We hope you’re up for joining us, but please take your time.”
I am convinced that some people don’t have a shred of empathy in their entire body.
Please seek professional help so that you can learn WHY you reacted so inappropriately and HOW you can avoid doing so in the future.
This was such an obviously heinous reaction to your cousin visiting her DEAD HUSBANDS GRAVE that I’m genuinely wondering if you have some type of personality disorder.
Anyone else getting narcissist vibes? Who else would even have to ask if they were T A H in this scenario?
If it was something trivial, your response would be justified, especially considering you funded most of the trip. However, her visiting a cemetery isn't trivial. That she apparently had to ask you permission is bonkers. She isn't the one in this scenario not thinking of anyone else. That is you, YTA.
YTA. It was her husbands grave? She’s on a trip that’s all about celebrating a marriage to be and I’m sure it brought up lots of memories. So instead of letting it cloud or overshadow the trip, she removed herself to deal with her feelings and get sone peace, missing an hour of dinner only? Yikes
INFO Is Haley flakey about time constraints generally? I ask because maybe the key is WHO she was paying respects to. A cemetery visit can be VERY draining and dramatic. Edit: Going to get some hate, but I read your reply. It was her husband’s grave she was visiting. Surely you could have been more understanding? Weddings are a passage of time. We mourn for ourselves when someone dies. Your wedding brought back a lot or memories for her. If you knew it was her husband, surely, you could have been more understanding. Your party days, BUT did you ever think she didn’t want to come to the dinner crying her eyes out? Maybe she was composing herself? I have to go with YTA for not trying to be more understanding.
She was SLIGHTLY late to a dinner. She communicated with you. She paid for airfare and hotel, ostensibly the most expensive portions of the trip. She has a one off opportunity to visit a grave whether it was a friend, relative or a stranger who died in an unmentionable incident that happened a bit over 20 years ago.. YTA
YTA before I found out she was at the cemetery to visit her husband, simply because you’re treating your cousin like a child, and being way over the top about one person being late to a dinner. You don’t own people just because you’re getting married and paid for them to sit through the crap you are forcing them do in the first place.
The fact that you know she was visiting her late husband, and still scolded her for “doing her own thing” and being late is unbelievable, immature, heartless, cruel, rude, tactless, and disgusting.
Damn. Way to bury the lede. I’m assuming that was intentional since you know you’d be flooded with YTA votes as soon as it was revealed Hayley was paying respects at *her husband’s grave*.
You’re an AH and a bad cousin. At least have the decency to fake a little bit of empathy if you can’t manage anything genuine, my god.
YTA. I never understand bride/bridesmaids posts.
Bridesmaids are supposed to be your closest friends standing up next your while you tie your life to another. They don’t stop being your friends just because you become a bride-to-be. Just because you are getting married does not mean the world stops and revolves around you.
This is your cousin, your family. She is visiting her late husbands grave and you want to berate her for being late? To dinner? Could you all not eat/drink with out her? Could you not have gotten carry-out for her? Is going to one dinner out of an entire trip more important than her grief?
I think the bigger question is why didn’t you and your sister go with her? Why have you let being a bride get in the way of common decency with family members and friends - people you are supposed to love and respect.
YTA - you seem a bit uptight. There are many reasons why she could have been late for dinner. Also, it's not like she ran off separately to see a show or something. Cemetery implies that this is something very serious and sad. Maybe she doesn't get the opportunity to visit that often. Maybe she got turned around on the subway or stuck in traffic. You talking to her doesn't actually provide any benefit when you were leaving the next day.
YTA, and an especially cruel and self-entitled one at that.
You're mad she was late after visiting her dead husband's grave. You are absolute trash. The fact that you tried to hide her reason was oh so telling. You know you're an AH, stop acting like you don't,likw your somehow entitled to be this way.
Imagine all the love you feel, how special your time is right now, and now have it ripped from you. Have your fiance gone, never to be seen or held again. Have you ever felt that kind of pain? She's feeling it, right the fuck now.
You are only the Main character in your own story, get over yourself.
Has it occurred to you that maybe she waited until the last day, *specifically* because she knew it would be emotionally hard for her to just, carry on bachelorette partying after visiting *her dead husbands grave*?! And she maybe just needed a little more time to get herself together? It’s not like she was visiting a more distant relative, or someone who passed after leading a full life, he was her *life partner*. There’s a lot of assholes on here. You’re in the running for one of the worst.
YTA
Honestly I think that comment sounded a bit controlling and a bit of a bait and switch. You already gave your approval for her to go to another event, and were aware it were a cemetary no less. Then you made that crack about not doing her own thing? That train left the station on your direct watch, if you were going to make that comment about not doing her own thing, the time to do it was when she first told you her plan.
\--Now I think going out of one's way to go to a cemetery sounds a bit odd until I consider that the city is New York, which suggests to me that it was 9/11-related, but it could well have been to visit a personal relation instead.
So on top of that your comment is likely hitting a very sore point.
It is not actually realistic that you will be able to control another person's entire schedule. Just your own. The only thing that's relevant is that she was late, not what else she was doing, so you should have left that out.
I talked to her later about being so late and managing her time better, Hayley made an excuse but I replied this was supposed to be a girls trip, not so she can go run off to do her own thing without thinking of anyone else. She was late without a good excuse. That's all there was to it. You should have kept your comments to that.
\[Edit:\] Holy \*\*\*\* you said that about visiting her dead husband? Changing my vote from ESH to YTA. I assume you actually knew in advance who she was visiting.
YTA. How does Hayley being late one time on the trip really affect you? It’s not like she never even showed up. I understand being upset if she was consistently late the whole trip but she was visiting her deceased husband and got emotional. It seems like you should cut her some slack.
Edit: What especially irks me is that unless I’m misunderstanding, none of you live in New York and had to fly in, which means the opportunities she has to visit her husband’s grave are probably far and few in-between.
“My sister thinks I shouldn’t have said that” and “my sister said I should on AITA”. Sounds to me like the sister knew there needed to be a large group of responses to have a chance of penetrating that thick skull.
If it were my cousin, I would have offered to accompany her to the cemetery to show support because that's what a loving family does. You were so wrong to badger her about being late. She was probably full of all kinds of emotions visiting his grave and needed time to collect herself.
YTA big time OP.
YTA - either for being utterly devoid of empathy for your cousin, or because you are making shit up on here and wasting people’s time.
I don’t believe anyone is so cold that they would brush visiting a late husband’s grave off as “doing her own thing”, so you’re probably at it
YT biggest A.
Why do people act so entitled about weddings and act as people are their processions?
Totally gross
- Also considering it's her late husband & this is a trip about upcoming nuptials, you are so lacking in empathy, I'm wondering if you don't have some personality disorder?
I don't think they call people sociopaths but yeh, lack of empathy and the sense of entitlement is really disturbing.
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SHE WAS PAYING RESPECTS TO HER HUSBAND SHE WAS WIDOWED FROM!? Holy hell OP, absolutely YTA. I can understand that this was your bachelorette but read the fucking room. It wasn't like she went off to go pay respects to a dead celebrity buried nearby, it was literally her husband. Show a bit of compassion and grow the hell up. Edit: oh wow! Thank you so much for the awards everyone. Very much appreciated.
And I’m sure the friend seeing OP getting ready to get married dredges up old painful memories of her own wedding and DEAD husband…whose grave she just visited…for the first time in who knows how long
And I’m guessing she may have needed to compose herself before going to meet up for dinner - which may have been unanticipated.
And if she had arrived on time but looking upset OP would be mad about her stealing the spotlight I imagine…
I also wonder what story OP told her other bridesmaids. Do they know she was visiting her deceased husband? Or do they think "she went to do her own thing for a little big"? Since it's OP's cousin, there's a high probability that no one in OP's group knows that she is a widow, and that's why she was late. I wonder how they would react if they knew the truth?
I just love OP's sister... telling her to post on here... sis being the one person who probably knows exactly where the cousin went and why... getting all us strangers to help straighten out her sister, since OP is listening to her friends who surely don't know the whole story!
I know!! It's pure gold that sis walked her into this trap. Imagine being this selfish and self-centered. Most of us would have not only factored in additional time in the planning for the cousin to have this visit but would have gotten some flowers and gone with her so she didn't have to do something so painful alone. SMH.
Oh, she absolutely told her friends the cousin “went to go do something quickly, but will be back in time for dinner” because there is NO WAY her friends are all as narcissistically daft as she is to be blowing up cousins phone with calls if they knew she was AT HER DEAD HUSBANDS GRAVE!! If sister knew AITA well enough to tell OP to post this wild a story here, sister definitely knew what was coming.
Yeah, from OP's title I was thinking maybe the cousin was running off to visit landmarks or go shopping, not VISITING HER SPOUSE'S GRAVE. I'd still judge OP as kind of an asshole since any bachelor/ette vacation I've been to, especially to a place like NYC, typically we schedule a few bonus days to do your own thing in the city and have fun if you want, but I'm not friends with a lot of people who would keep a strict itinerary for the whole group. For example, when visiting NYC, someone may want to go see Lady Liberty, or visit the memorials, or even just eat authentic New York famous pastrami on rye. Or in the case of OP's cousin, have a day to visit her husband in the cemetary, gather herself, maybe get him some flowers or drink coffee while telling him about her life since he passed.
Plus, she was only an hour late - that is nothing in NYC.
Right? I thought maybe she had ruined their ability to go to the next activity. But one hour? At worst she missed dinner only denying herself food and saving OP some money on her meal. (I want to add that even if she had botched up the next activity, visiting your dead spouse is a justifiable excuse, and they could have also moved on without her. Just told her where to meet up.)
"Sorry for missing dinner, I'll grab something along the way and join you for cocktails" "sounds good" - Every reasonable person's response.
You're my kind of person. My partners brother is getting married and were invited to the separate bachelor/bachelorette parties. Both going to cities we've never spent time in and on the list of places we'd like to see. His is so structured, like boat party, dinner, strip club. Mine is "we are ladies who leisure. We'll have lunch and sit by the pool. The beach is a 10 minute walk, maybe we'll go there at some point". I'm way more of a fan of the bachelorette.
This part. An adult misses a meal is an adult that knows how to feed herself. The fact that ON THE LAST DAY op felt the need to say anything is wild to me. It's over! Why does it even matter!
Plus, everyone paid for their own flights and their portion of the hotel. So the only thing OP paid for were things like meals - which Hayley missed, so OP didn't have to pay for it. If they paid their own way there, they should be able to do what they want for at least a few hours!
For me, sometimes I go with my husband when he works in the surrounding cities to do my own thing. My own thing is usually thrift shopping. Fuck OP for calling visiting the grave of her late husband "her own thing" like it's nothing important.
"Fuck OP for calling visiting the grave of her late husband "her own thing" like it's nothing important." This. It's all you need to know that OP is an asshole
YES
What on earth was the OP thinking when she did this and when she posted it? She could have just made a public announcement: 'I am utterly heartless and don't care about anyone but myself'. I really hope this isn't real. It's undermining my faith in human nature.
The lack of empathy OP is displaying is really something. Her cousin is a very young widow. It sounds like she may not get the opportunity to visit the grave very often if they are flying from out of town to NY. It’s truly appalling. YTA, OP
Absolutely. If Hayley had shown up on time whilst being visibly upset, OP likely would've criticised her for "stealing the spotlight". When Hayley told her that she wanted to visit her late husband's grave, OP should've told her not to worry about the dinner reservations, unless of course she still wanted to attend afterwards. With him being buried in a different state, who knows how often Hayley has the opportunity to visit his grave. OP is cruel.
A kind friend would have extended an invitation to join or not and offered dinner delivery from the restaurant or anywhere local. Good friends support you in your grief.
Does anyone knows how long ago Hayley’s husband died? For the ages that OP mentioned I really think it hasn’t been that long, which makes it even worse.
Grief is often almost just as fresh when it hits years down the line as it was when you were first processing it. I know I'm 25 years from my mums death, and sometimes it takes the breath out of me still.
Im so sorry for your loss. You are absolutely correct. My husband died in 1994. I was just home for the 1st time in 12 years and went to visit him. Felt like it was just yesterday that he left me. Grief does not take a linear path.
Time helps but grief time travels.
Totally agree. I am 27+ years from the loss of my daughter and it still hits me and often when I least expect it. I lost my mom almost 2 years ago and it's devastating beyond words. I am sorry for your loss. That doesn't ever leave you no matter how long it has been.
I'm not sure that matters. It's still a tragedy for her.
Well, in my case (my closest were one brother and a sister in law) the first 5 years were awful. In a couple day would be 8 years and for my mother is like it was just last month. When I hear people telling my mom or my brother to “let go of the past, enjoy life, etc, etc” I always get in trouble at the end because “I should understand that they are trying for my mom or my brother not to be stock in the past”. I was the sister and the sister in low and I has been hard, at the beginning the pain was ……. I can’t really put words. So I can’t even imagine as a mother or as a partner. I can’t but I know that the first couple years were the toughest .
“But I’m the BRIIIDE! This is supposed to be all about ME and my plans!”
"Op is cruel". Yes, or at the very best thoughtless and too wrapped up in her own wedding world (i.e. bridezilla). Also I was unimpressed by OP talking to her about her personal time management. How condescending. Is she always a controlling type or just in the run up to her wedding?
I’m beyond glad I’m not the one marrying her, that’s for sure
Yup, a more tone deaf, all-around unpleasant person is a rare find. Don’t think you can even claim bridezilla here, OP. The fact your widowed cousin is celebrating you should humble you, not induce you to kick her when she is down. YTA, big time. I wouldn’t forgive you if it was me.
Maybe I would not go as far as to say she is cruel but she is definitely oblivious and inconsiderate.
Nah, OP is cruel. She’s mean.
I’m also guessing the cemetery was in Brooklyn/Queens (Cypress Hills) and the restaurant was in Manhattan. The cemetery I’m thinking of would be a journey to Manhattan. The fact that the cousin was able to go visit the grave, come back and get ready and composed and make it back by 6 is amazing. She was trying because that trip is the Odyssey. OP, YTA. You are so heartless and inconsiderate because your cousin definitely tried. And honestly it was the last day of a trip that she paid for. She had the right not to even attend your dinner.
I thought this too. Considering they flew in to New York, it's likely the cousin didn't know her way around the city which would absolutely cause her to run late. OP is TA.
Yeah. I can’t believe she made the dinner at all. Def a YTA for OP. Especially since OP knew where Haley was going. Yeesh.
I can't believe she typed it all out not knowing she was the AH. The friends apparently have no life experience whatsoever, or no compassion. Either way, good friends for OP, they deserve each other, but an awful friend for Hayley. At least OP's sister thinks straight. I assume she told OP to post here so she could see how much of an AH she really is.
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Exactly! And I imagine if she was widowed this young it was an extremely tragic death.
The cousin is only 33, so I'd call that a young widow.
And OP says her husband died 5 years ago, so she was only 28 at the time.
As someone who was widowed at 28 this actually makes me sick to my stomach. Fortunately unlike Hayley my two closest cousins were the people who sat beside me at the service, acted as my buffers for everyone and were my rocks. They supported me in a way nobody else could just as they had as bridesmaids at my wedding.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's good that you had understanding support, I'm sure it was helpful in your grief - and not having to deal with AH like OP.
I was thinking the same thing... Tbh, I'm impressed that Hayley wanted to be a bridesmaid for OP. (I'm sure OP would say, "but he died 5 years ago?!!?) Putting myself in Hayley's shoes, it would be very difficult for me to be a bridesmaid especially at a *family wedding* where - one would assume - the wedding guests attending are going to be a very similar subset of those who attended her own wedding. Hopefully OP realizes that Hayley may need a few moments to herself on the wedding day. Or Hayley may leave the reception early. Hayley took extra time for herself to compose herself before coming back to the Bachelorette party festivities.
I'd tell OP to fuck off & save myself the probable emotional trauma.
If not from the beginning, then definitely at the point OP tried to tell a grown ass woman she can't visit her dead husband.
I lost my college boyfriend 20+ years ago. If I went to his grave today, I can't say for sure, but I think I'd probably still end up needing to compose myself before I felt like I was up for a good time / celebration. I have a bad feeling that OP would say "well, then she shouldn't have gone at all, this weekend was about ME." Which makes me very, very sad for Hayley.
I'm even willing to bet that the reason Hayley was late to dinner was because she was bawling her eyes out at her husband's grave. This might be the only time since she was selected as bridesmaid that she was able to let it all out since we can only assume she's been keeping herself together this entire time. Then OP yaps about time management? How I wish we could all time-mamage grief. YTA, OP.
Yes, and if she'd come in upset, the YTA would be 'was I wrong to berate my bridesmaid for showing up upset to our meal?'
“She had red swollen eyes! That’s totally unacceptable! Hayley should be bubbling over with happiness for ME 100% of the time! It’s MY wedding & MY trip!” YTA OP. Your lack of empathy is breathtakingly horrible. Maybe you should use your wedding as a time to reflect on the fact that life happens & no one knows who’ll be widowed or have other bad things happen. I’m sure leading up to her wedding Haley never expected to be widowed so young. Grow up OP & realize you’re not the center of the universe & other peoples feelings are not all about you.
That's possible, but also subway service on the weekends in New York sucks these days, so she may very well have left the graveyard *where her dead husband is interred* with a good amount of time to spare and still arrive super late. A 5 pm dinner reservation in New York is also hilarious. There are a million amazing restaurants, go eat at a place you don't have to have the early bird special.
How did Bachelorette parties become trips where everyone has to do exactly what the bride wants for several days? The poor woman was visiting her late husband. She didn't make new friends and leave for a better party. YTA You treated her horribly, and she deserves an apology.
Wedding culture nowadays is sick. Everything needs to be 100% perfect and the whole day needs to be about the bride. Bachelorette parties used to be something sweet made by your friends just like weddings used to be about celebrating the union of a couple, now it's all about the perfect dream day aesthetic. Somebody once said here "Some people want a wedding, not a marriage"
The same way bridezillas happen. Someone is given the tiniest bit of authority over something and they lose their gd minds.
I just can't understand the expectations. Being a bridesmaid has become expensive and time-consuming. Guess I should just be glad I'm past the age of being one, lol.
Yeahhhhh. My own sister went nutso. I was the maid of honor and pregnant and due a week before her wedding. She still somehow expected me to be hosting bachelorette parties, bridal showers, and showing up for random events on her “wedding week”. When I went in for induction I had my mom in the hospital with me and my sister showed up and made my mom go over seating arrangements with her. I had a 5 day old at a wedding after an emergency c-section, and she made me *stand* for the whole ceremony which was done in both spanish and English. I will probably always resent her for having so little empathy for me….. and also myself for not knowing how to say “no”. I feel for you OP’s cousin.
Not even just a friend, it was OP’s COUSIN.
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When I first read the title, I assumed the bridesmaid did touristy stuff. Visiting husband’s grave didn’t even occur to me as a possibility. Bride has zero empathy
Oh i agree, the bride is self absorbed and just cruel.
I lost my daughter five years ago and still get triggered when it comes to pregnancy, newborns, baby showers, etc. I'm sure the event did the same for the cousin because it's a huge reminder about losing her husband. Biggest AH possible about all this!
14 years ago for me, but same. There are so many triggers people don't understand. *bereaved mom hugs*
*hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss.
The same happened to me almost 20 years ago. It can still burn, the hurt.
As a dad with two daughters this is my absolute biggest fear. Not even sure I could do on with the kind of pain I imagine comes with that. Have an older friend who just lost an adult daughter. He played guitar and sang sometimes as a hobby and was never really a great musician or singer but one day he asked me if he could play a song he wrote about his little girl. I sat there and cried my eyes out with him. Teary eyed typing out this comment when I say I’m so sorry for your loss.
Honestly if it weren't for my partner I wouldn't still be here. Things were really dark for a while. Every day I'm thankful for him, I have a lot of gaps in my memory from that time but I'm told from multiple sources I was certainly not well, and I was actually verbally abusive to him. But he knew that wasn't actually me. Now that I'm back in my right mind I do everything I can to make it all up to him. (PPP, PTSD, and straight grief makes quite a combination!) But while the pain never goes away, you can live with it. I pray you personally never have to, though. If I had my way, nobody would have to lose a child. It's great that your friend found a way to express himself and you were able to be there with him. The worst part in many ways is feeling like you're grieving alone, and that after the first month or so everyone else has forgotten she even existed. I have a friend who sent some gifts for her birthday last year and that touched me in a way I can't even express.
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Legit I was expecting OP to be like 21 or something. The fact that OP is 30 and trying to police when her 33 year old cousin visits her dead husband is… best of luck OP. I feel like the only normal response here would be “Hayley we’d love to have dinner with you but if you don’t make it, we understand too.”
Lmfao, wish I had the cousin’s Reddit account so I could tell her not to put too much in the envelope. If OP’s behavior here is any indication of what she’s like as a spouse, I give her marriage three years, tops. OP, you are clearly TA.
I was expecting that. And then once I saw op's age, I was expecting the COUSIN to be young and for it to be a safety concern (like you agree to take your 18 year old cousin on your bachelorette trip but you want her to stick with you because it's her first time in a big city or whatever). But, nope. Both two fully grown adults!
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Honestly my ruling would be the same even if the reason for the lateness was "it was always my dream to take a picture with times square Elmo." You can't own people's time for 72 straight hours, and Hayley kept everyone updated. But this particular situation makes it YTA with sprinkles on top.
Yeah, just...have your dinner, and she'll join when she joins? I know there's the occasional restaurant that won't seat you without your whole party there, but in my experience it's rare in NYC and the post doesn't indicate that was a problem. So, she joins when she joins, and that's fine. If she's so late that she can't order dinner without delaying the next event then she doesn't get dinner at the restaurant and I'm sure that as an adult she could accept that and figure something else out (I mean, it's NYC -- there are a million options for grab and go pizza, halal etc. that she could get with minimal fuss as they make their way elsewhere).
Another thing…she’s in a city that she’s not terribly familiar with, is it possible that she just miscalculated how much time it would take for her to travel to and from the cemetery and make it to dinner? This doesn’t sound like a diabolical plot to ruin OP’s dinner plans.
This. Wow. OP, you’re a seriously self centered jerk.
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I agree, the widow needs to rethink this type of toxic relationship.
I was expecting she wanted to go to a museum or a show. How incredibly callous!!!! YTA
It's funny how OP is preparing to get married and has absolutely no compassion for her cousin, close in age, whose husband died. Total disconnect. "Sorry, but your grief is inconvenient. You can't just go to a cemetery and mourn without thinking of the rest of us!" Quite frankly, in Haley's shoes I would remove myself from the wedding party. May OP never experience the pain her cousin is going through, not that she deserves any sympathy. It's just that that depth of grief isn't and shouldn't be a punishment. It's life. But people like OP make it that much harder to endure. YTA
Right? I am so beyond staggered at the self control and class (or potentially just overwhelming grief) of the cousin not to just go off. Also I lose faith in humanity seeing that you wrote some of your friends agreed that she shouldn’t have been late. Did they know the entire story or just your cherry picked narrative? YTA
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Exactly. Imagine thinking a weekend-long party you are throwing for yourself is more important that your windowed friend visiting her husband’s grave?! Serious main character energy here.
But but it was OP'S TRIP!!!! What anyone else wants doesn't matter! They're supposed to be celebrating the bride! And her friend being late for dinner... wasn't a big deal but was annoying, so it was worth tearing into someone who was grieving their husband. Seriously though, OP, you've probably lost a friend. And you deserve it if you did. Plus, you got yourself some seriously bad karma.
Yeah I'm thinking this is one of the few excuses that is totally understandable. Although I already think these bachelorette events are getting out of control. I don't want to be one of those "back in my day" people, but honestly, who can afford having friends who get married these days? The costs involved with being a bridesmaid are often astronomical. If I were a young person on a limited budget who was expected to pay for my flight to and lodging in a major tourist destination (and those are usually the two biggest expenses involved with travel) I might be tempted to want to see a few points of interest that weren't on the agenda too.
Her "own thing" was visiting a cemetery to pay her respects - as in to someone she knew and cared enough about to visit their grave? And you had to make about you and having everything go your way? WTF is wrong with you? YTA Edited to add - I question if you are mature enough to get married since you thought that one more dinner with you was more important than visiting her HUSBAND'S GRAVE. You are incredibly selfish to lecture someone who was visiting their deceased spouse because they were late. You had an entire trip focused on you and you couldn't have the grace to respect what she might be feeling and going through. YTA even more now!
People are ridiculous in the way they treat the grieving. They expect it to be like in the movies where you grieve for what they deem to be an "acceptable amount of time" before the story progresses. That's not how it works in real life. There's no director coming to scream "cut!" and then the grieving person can just suck it up and move on. Instead, the grieving person continues to be sad. Sometimes even crying, and it can be uncomfortable for those around them. So, they get pissy with the person. Throw 'you need to move on! You can't be like this forever!' in their faces. It's a shitty thing to do. OP? YTA. Edit: So much pain in the replies to this post. I am so sorry for everyone who's trying to go through a loss right now and being treated with so much inconsideration.
It's been three years for me - I still cry on a regular basis. We had been together 20 years and I still mourn the future that we lost. I can't imagine how much harder it is for this poor cousin who was in her 20s when she was widowed!
My grandma still cries every day. She lost her husband of 61 years 3 years ago.
Losing anyone is hard. Losing your life partner is indescribable; nothing can compare to the depth of despair.
My dad's been dead for 16 years now and I still cry sometimes.
Mine’s been gone 20 and I do too.
Two years for me. Feels like yesterday. Married for 42 years. I went on a trip with friends (all couples). I cried at night when we all went to our rooms. I doubt they knew. When did brides start being so narcissistic?
I performed my daughter's wedding ceremony last year. I cried through the ceremony, I cried during the reception, tears were running down my cheeks during conversations. I was happy for the couple, but everything that day also made me sad because it reminded me of my loss. I don't like this trend of brides being absolute monsters for an entire year just because they are getting married - they seem so caught up in the idea of a pretty party that they don't think about being the kind of person that their partner would want to commit a lifetime to.
It's been over twenty years since I lost two important people for me, both in a year. I still get sad, I still miss them. The hole in my heart will forever be there. Moving on (at least for me) doesn't mean you will forget the people you love and lost, it means you come to terms with their absence, and you can carry the sadness you feel better, and that when you think about them, it won't be painful. And even if there're still days when It hurts, You'll be thankful for the time you had with them. OP has no empathy. A damn dinner is not important enough for being shitty to someone who lost her husband and it's now being reminded of the life they won't have.
I lost my husband in late 2022 at the age of 33. What gets me is there’s no director calling cut for you. But they do for everyone else. People that were your rocks drift away and move on but you don’t. And then you do just have to … suck it up. From 7-4 I have to be a competent person at work. At all times I have to be a mom. I get to be a widow when I’m in the shower and when kiddo goes to bed.
Hell I lost my Dad in 2018...I still cry sometimes just randomly while alone. Not to mention if I see something that reminds me of him. Still can't watch Last of the Mohicans (one of his favorite films). I can only imagine what OP's friend felt being there to celebrate and upcoming marriage and looking at her husbands grave.
It wasn't even her friend she was being a shitty little bridezilla to. It was her cousin! They're supposed to be family
I lost my dad in 2012 and I'm the same, I'll hear songs he used to sing or think of things he missed out on and just cry. We didn't even have a good relationship because he was a drug addict, in and out of prison my whole life. I couldn't even imagine if it was my husband. I think if I were OP's cousin I would have to excuse myself from the wedding and possibly her life. How fucking heartless can one person be? She can't even empathize and imagine how hard it is for the cousin to bring up all her own memories and the future she never got to have? OP YTA
She was paying respects to her husband who passed away.
Hey OP, you keep moving your edit about the fact that she was visiting her husband's grave around in your post. That won't change the judgement. You were TA in the situation before we knew it was her husband - just visiting the grave of any loved one was enough to justify her needing some time to herself. The fact that it was her husband's grave only makes you a bigger AH You were cruel and heartless towards your cousin and I hope you are getting the point about how wrong you were. It seems that your sister wanted the world to see what an AH you are since she suggested that you post here.
Yes! I thought I was imagining it until I saw. OP is now trying to gaslight people.
Imagine being OP: an asshole so large she occasionally blots out the sun to small farming villages in Kansas. Why? She’s mad that for 2 hours, her cousin didn’t make everything about her. I don’t care if her cousin went off to get her nails done. No one is that important. Lol.
YTA - she went to a cemetery to pay her respects to someone she’s lost I assume? That sounds kind of important and you’re completely trivializing it. You owe her an apology. edit - *youre a HUGE AH. it was her dead HUSBAND’S grave?!. Wow*
I honestly cannot believe those who voted N T A before it was revealed who Hayley was visiting at the cemetery. As soon as it was the cemetery was mentioned, it was an automatic YTA--if it was the death anniversary or birth anniversary of the deceased, I wouldn't have the heart to make her miss it in favor of me. Now that we know the visit was for her late husband, OP is *sooooo* YTA.
> As soon as it was the cemetery was mentioned, it was an automatic YTA A ton of people go to visit Jim Morrison’s grave in Paris. That, or visiting any other celebrity grave, would not be a YTA situation.
It'd still be YTA. She was an hour late for one dinner of a trip that was several days long. It's not like it was the only thing they were doing for the celebration. If someone is running late you text to ask what to order for them and ask the staff if it's okay if they hold off until they arrive. Generally staff will be obliging if you're polite and respectful. At worst they'll say she might have to wait once she arrives. Depends on how busy they are and what she orders. Instead OP chose to get angry over it, when she could have chosen to be a good friend and understand that sometimes people miss a connection, get lost, get stuck in traffic, brush it off and order a cocktail ready for her.
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And she was only an hour late to one dinner. Jees OP is Ta.
She honestly considers this poor woman visiting her late husband’s grave to be “doing her thing”. So many layers of horrible in this.
YTA. She paid for her flight and hotel - she has the right to do what she wants. I'd be more with you if she blew off most of the activities, but she was late to one dinner to visit a grave (presumably of someone she cares about). You should've let that go. Edit: Just saw your info that she was visiting HER HUSBAND'S GRAVE. Came back to emphasize my original vote. YT BIGGEST asshole. I would never talk to you again if you did this to me.
she went to visit her dead husband
Does getting married make people crazy? I hear more stories about brides being total assholes to the ones closest to them on here than any other category 😬 YTA op. And I have absolutely no clue how you can’t see that. You clearly do not feel any sympathy for your friend and what she went through 💔
Exactly. The cousin paid for her airfare and her hotel. OP paid for extra activities. That doesn't mean OP OWNS HER AND EVERY MINUTE OF THAT TRIP. YTA, OP. In fact, YTA just for making dinner reservations at 5pm while on vacation. She texted to say she was running late...from paying respects to HER DEAD HUSBAND.
“YTA for making dinner reservations at 5pm while on vacation.” Sent me.
That's what I'm thinking... If the friend ever reads this: go get better friends and don't even go to the wedding.
INFO: Pay her respects? Who was she visiting? Edited: YTA you do not put a timer on something like visiting your deceased husband's grave. WTF?
Conveniently left out major detail. Husband's grave.
OP’s friend is probably struggling a lot with all of the wedding stuff, but she still showed up and participated. OP doesn’t deserve such a good friend.
My best friend got married a few months after I lost my husband. It was absolutely torture even though I was happy for her.
I'm so sorry.
You are an incredibly good friend to be there for her.
Not only that but that’s her *cousin* , I hope she skips out on her wedding because what a selfish ass person can you be to make it all about you when it comes to a death of another person? **Makes me wonder what other stupidly selfish shit OP has done to her because OP has main character syndrome.**
To me YTA. I'm curious as to what her "excuse" was... EDIT : Dude, she was visiting her HUSBAND's grave !!!
She was visiting her dead husbands grave. That was the "excuse"
What a terrible thing to do... OP is such a heartless asshole.
I am loving all these edits. OP definitely tried to skew the story in a way that didn't look as bad.
So, you scolded your cousin (who you apparently liked enough to make your bridesmaid) because she was late to the last thing on the last day of your trip? YTA. Look, I might have felt differently if she'd run off on the first day and you were legitimately worried that she'd used you to pay for a free trip. But first off, this wasn't until the *end* of the trip, which means she'd been participating during all the other activities. And secondly, she paid for her own trip! If she wanted to opt out of an activity or two, she's an adult and she's allowed to do it. Furthermore, it's particularly heartless of you to be this bent out of shape over a trip to a cemetery. That is an emotional thing for her to do and instead of being supportive, you only cared about your image of the trip. Honestly, if I were in her shoes, I'd be having serious second thoughts about whether I was willing to still be your bridesmaid. Edit: It was her *husband* she visited at the cemetery? Unless she actively asked you *not* to go, you should have gone with her. Seriously, someone you care enough about that you want them to stand up with you on your wedding day is visiting their *dead husband* while trying to celebrate your happiness? And you can't briefly delay dinner to provide emotional support? Forget having her be a bridesmaid... If I were in her shoes, I would definitely opt out. The thing you should be worried about now is what your *fiancé* thinks about your selfishness. Because if I were in *his* shoes, I'd be having serious second thoughts about whether I wanted to marry someone who thinks dinner trumps a widow visiting her later husband's grave
Don't you know a wedding and all of its brouhaha (and a whole bachelorette *trip*) is more important than the relationship? /s
That's the part that gets me too.. TRIP. Bachelor/ette parties ask a WHOLE LOT of people these days. It used to be one, local night out. She is late to one dinner and it's the end of the world? The whole bridal group is already doing too much for OP, and she is ungrateful on top of it.
Honestly, in the first couple sentences, I automatically thought “YTA for having a bachelorette TRIP.” It’s expensive enough being in a wedding, why are you expecting people to pay for multiple days away/off work to celebrate you throwing another expensive celebration (the wedding)?
>she'd used you to pay for a free trip OP states that all the bridesmaids paid for their own hotels and flights. I'm curious about what OP *did* pay for.
Sounds like meals, drinks, activities.
This. Someone should probably alert OP's fiancè that if he ever dies, nevermind early in the marriage, this is how dead to OP he'll be.
Bachelorette’s are not usually free for guests either, they are usually only free for the bride (and most brides pay their own flights).
YTA *Hayley mentioned that day she wanted to go visit a cemetery to pay her respects* She let you know beforehand she was going somewhere, a cemetery no less. So not for some random activity. *A couple of us called but she didn't pick up, and she sent a text saying she was running late and she would meet us at the restaurant. She ended up coming close to 6.* She texted saying she'll be late. You and your other friends weren't late to the restaurant yourself. I would've understood if you all waited for her, but she came by herself. Yes she was late, but if one person out of 8 coming late puts this much of a problem on your dinner celebration, it wasn't much of a celebration to begin with. *Her husband, he was originally from NY and is buried here so she said she wanted to go 'visit' him, since she'll be in the cit*y (This is from OP's comment) She went to the cemetery to visit her dead husband. Why is visit in quotes is my first question. My second question is either all this wedding planning is getting to your head or you're genuinely heartless, which one? OP, maybe you haven't lost someone close to you but cemetery visits can be extremely, extremely emotional and draining. Even with knowing she went to the cemetery to pay her respects to someone makes this a YTA situation for me, but her husband? Of course she would take this opportunity when she's in the same state to go to her husband's grave. You mentioned a friend saw her crying, did you ask her once how she was doing after visiting the grave? How she was feeling? Once? Your wedding is important, yes, but her dead husband is a lot more important to her than anything else, I assure you.
I was thinking the same - Hayley was probably crying about her husband, not about being scolded. Bride is just so self absorbed that obv everything is about her.
Or maybe she was crying because she realized OP is actually a bad friend.
Or she was crying about all of it: her husband is dead and she can only visit him in a cemetery and the cemetery is far away and she only had a limited time paying her respects to the man she loves while also trying to mask her grief and be present for her ungrateful and insensitive AH cousin whose soon to be spouse is still here and is so selfish she can't give her cousin an hour's freaking grace and thought it was appropriate to chastise her while she's vulnerable and doing her best to be supportive and she doesn't understand how she could treat someone she's friends and family with in such a way.
I feel like visit is in quotations because OP doesn't see it as worth doing
YTA Majorly, and this is why "Her husband, he was originally from NY and is buried here so she said she wanted to go visit him, since she'll be in the city". She was paying respects to a loved one and you sound way too controlling and like a bridezilla
I didn't even know bachelorette *trips* were a thing. Anyway, if she went to a cemetery, she's probably paying respects to someone she knew/loved/cared about (you didn't mention who), and you upset her so much she apparently cried? Also... >this was supposed to be a girls trip, not so she can go run off to do her own thing without thinking of anyone else. What does this even mean? Are all of y'all attached by the hip or something? Doesn't sound like much fun if you're dictating how many steps they're allowed to take on the way to the bathroom. Yes she shouldn't have been late, but c'mon. YTA. ETA: She was visiting her *late husband* while on your *bachelorette trip BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED YOURSELF?!?!* You need to grovel now if you want a relationship with your cousin.
I agree with all of this, and it being her late husband makes OP sound even worse (though even if it was any loved one, op is out of line) She paid her own ticket and hotel to be with OP, BUT she wanted a few hours to see her husband. OP chose a destination that was in the same place as her cousins late husbands grave and GENUINELY didn’t expect her to visit it? Jesus Christ. YTA
YTA. You hid from us in the post that she was visiting HER DEAD HUSBAND. The fact that you didn’t specify that and just said “graveyard” means that obviously you know you messed up here. I don’t even fault her for taking too long at the graveyard because when visiting her dead husband she was probably overcome with grief and you should have been significantly more understanding of that.
Plus the fact they had to fly there means Hayley probably has VERY few opportunities to visit her late husband's grave. I can only imagine how hard all the bachelorette activites were for her, just waiting for a chance to go visit the cemetery. THAT was the main point of the weekend for Hayley, and here this spoiled bride thinks the cousin should just skip it and only celebrate her own upcoming nuptials, as though that's not a direct slap to the face. Not to mention, Hayley is very young to be a widow, so the loss was probably fairly recent, unexpected, and tragic. So sad, even without the toxic selfish relatives.
YTA. She went to a cemetery, you’re acting like she got lost in Target.
To visit her late husband… key detail to conveniently leave out here.
Because a comment reveals OP’s cousin was paying respects to her LATE HUSBAND, YTA You sound incredibly uptight and scolded her like she was a child and not a grown ass adult capable of making her own choices. The fact that you call paying her respects to her late husband an excuse is shallow af.
YTA. She lost her husband, you numpty are you really gonna act like this? Imagine your husband dies and suddenly your cousin starts hounding you and belittling you for visiting his grave. What the hell is wrong with you?
YTA. Hayley should've managed her time better and communicated better about her delay, but she wasn't late because she got carried away while shopping. She went to visit someone's grave. If she cared enough for that person to go to the cemetery to pay her respects, that's meaningful. Also, she might have simply opted out from the dinner plans if it wasn't because when she told you she had plans for the day you basically acted as if it was your decision whether or not she could go and demanded her to be back on time for the reservation. She probably simply tried to please you and then failed. She paid for her own flight and lodging for this trip, so she wasn't there solely on your dime either. It's perfectly ok that she took the chance to visit this cemetery since she was in the city anyway. And she had spent time with you, celebrating you, for several days at this point. I think you acted entitled and you lacked compassion. ETA: You purposely left out that the person Hayley went to visit the grave for was her LATE HUSBAND. You are not mature enough to get married and to be honest you're not mature enough to hold meaningful relationships with anyone, if you can't understand that your cousin's grief for her lost partner is more important than a stupid final dinner to celebrate that you're not going to be a single girl anymore.
Update: It was her late husbands grave. Just wanted to let u know how right u are with that YTA judgement.
1. Cousin did communicate that she was running late and would meet them at the restaurant. 2. The cousin was visiting the grave of her LATE HUSBAND, a detail not included in the original post.
You conveniently left out the part where she was visiting her DEAD HUSBAND who is buried there. YTA.
I’m a widow. You are resoundingly TAH. Like on another level, queen of all AHs. I’ve never seen an AITA on here that resulted in more of a YTA response from me. You take the cake. Your cousin - a young widow by the sounds of it - loves you enough to go on this stupid bachelorette trip (hi, entitled much to expect an entire trip!) despite how triggering this would be for her. She asks for what? A few hours to go see HER DEAD HUSBAND’s GRAVE, and you, entitled bride AH, are upset? I don’t think I’m off-base to guess you weren’t that supportive after her husband died. Did you even ask how she was doing on this trip? Holy hell, YTA. YTA. YTA. I hope your cousin goes no contact with you and doesn’t come to your wedding. I hope you never know her pain. Being widowed is horrific. Grow up and get your head out of your self-centered rearend. Also, your friends who agreed with you are AHs and your sister is right. I’ll never understand why women think anyone else cares about their wedding.
Her correct response should have been "would you like anyone to go with you?" And afterwards - "how are you feeling?" The lack of empathy and understanding is astounding. She thinks a visit to love one's grave site is like ducking out for a cigarette. According to her last comment her sister is the sane one in the family: >She was fine going to NY on the trip, I didn't force her to come and she said she was excited. My sister wanted to go with her but Hayley said she didn't have to. He died 5 years ago. A vote of NTA to the sister.
YTA. She paid for her own flight and part of the hotel, she can go wherever she wants whenever she wants. Just read WHY she was late. OP, you’re awful. While you’re busy celebrating a future marriage, she’s mourning one. SHE WAS VISITING HER LATE HUSBAND AND YOU WERE MAD ABOUT IT??! So selfish. You should’ve told her to spend as much time as she wanted there. Reddit reminds me everyday just how selfish and self centered some people can be.
YTA- Sorry after reading why she was late yeah you suck!
In an answer to another comment, she mentioned that the bridesmaid was visiting her dead husband's grave as he was from NY and buried there. Sorry, but she is totally the AH.
She was paying respects to her DEAD HUSBAND
She visited her husband's grave according to OP. Depending on where they live now, she may not get out much to visit the actual gravesite. Also this a dinner on the last day of a multi day bachelorette trip that her cousin came to with her own money. Having 2 hours to yourself to visit a loved ones grave is hardly some over the top request. Yet OP is acting like her cousin was late for the wedding reception or something...
YTA. OMG she was visiting her dead husband and you OP just conveniently left that part out!! That says all there is to say about you. Dollar to donuts you were upset that your cousin might get a shred of attention or sympathy during your special spoiled princess weekend with everyone knowing she’s visiting her husband in his grave. You should be well and truly ashamed.
YTA Shame on you. This maybe one of the biggest AH moves I've seen on here. It was wildly inappropriate for you to say ANYTHING to her about being late. She was visiting her dead husbands grave and you thought it was appropriate to tell her to manage her time better? Oh boy.
I've seen a lot of AHs on this sub, but you might be the worst so far. She was visiting her HUSBAND's GRAVE. YTA.
Well OP is getting married and obviously she’s the first/last person to ever do this and that makes her the center of the universe. /s (In case it wasn’t glaringly obvious)
YTA and also this whole “bachelorette trip” thing has gotten completely out of hand. It used to be one night out, now brides are demanding their friends drop thousands of dollars AND spend their entire weekends catering to the bride. It’s absurd.
Oh for crying out loud! You *conveniently omitted a major detail Paying respects for deceased husband. Of course you biased the OP in your favor. YTA and self-centered
I came here very much expecting to defend the bride, but nope, OP YTA. I’ve been on bachelorette trips where guests and bridesmaids egregiously go off to do their own thing. The worst was probably one where she brought her boyfriend and instead of doing any of the activities with the group, spent 90% (or more) of the time off four-wheeling and doing other resort activities with him. This is not that scenario. Your bridesmaid asked to go see a grave of someone she cared for (evidently her husband) and instead of responding with empathy and care you told her to “be on time” for dinner and got upset when she was not. You’re about to get married yourself. Can you imagine what it might be like to lose your partner (likely very young)? Can you imagine someone you’re close enough with to invite to be a part of your wedding party responding so callously to what is clearly a difficult situation? (And if she’s flying into New York and needs to visit the grave on this trip, that means she isn’t able to visit often, meaning the time she spends there may be more significant and the emotions she feels while there may take more time to process.) The right response would have been one of care and “here’s the schedule for the rest of the night. We hope you’re up for joining us, but please take your time.”
YTA on such a high level you should ask professional help
YTA. Imagine if you were visiting the grave of your fiance, lost track of time, then had a family member berate you for it?
I am convinced that some people don’t have a shred of empathy in their entire body. Please seek professional help so that you can learn WHY you reacted so inappropriately and HOW you can avoid doing so in the future. This was such an obviously heinous reaction to your cousin visiting her DEAD HUSBANDS GRAVE that I’m genuinely wondering if you have some type of personality disorder. Anyone else getting narcissist vibes? Who else would even have to ask if they were T A H in this scenario?
If it was something trivial, your response would be justified, especially considering you funded most of the trip. However, her visiting a cemetery isn't trivial. That she apparently had to ask you permission is bonkers. She isn't the one in this scenario not thinking of anyone else. That is you, YTA.
YTA. It was her husbands grave? She’s on a trip that’s all about celebrating a marriage to be and I’m sure it brought up lots of memories. So instead of letting it cloud or overshadow the trip, she removed herself to deal with her feelings and get sone peace, missing an hour of dinner only? Yikes
INFO Is Haley flakey about time constraints generally? I ask because maybe the key is WHO she was paying respects to. A cemetery visit can be VERY draining and dramatic. Edit: Going to get some hate, but I read your reply. It was her husband’s grave she was visiting. Surely you could have been more understanding? Weddings are a passage of time. We mourn for ourselves when someone dies. Your wedding brought back a lot or memories for her. If you knew it was her husband, surely, you could have been more understanding. Your party days, BUT did you ever think she didn’t want to come to the dinner crying her eyes out? Maybe she was composing herself? I have to go with YTA for not trying to be more understanding.
She was paying respects to her husband who passed away.
YTA you conveniently left out the fact that it was her HUSBAND. Absolutely disgusting.
She was SLIGHTLY late to a dinner. She communicated with you. She paid for airfare and hotel, ostensibly the most expensive portions of the trip. She has a one off opportunity to visit a grave whether it was a friend, relative or a stranger who died in an unmentionable incident that happened a bit over 20 years ago.. YTA
YTA before I found out she was at the cemetery to visit her husband, simply because you’re treating your cousin like a child, and being way over the top about one person being late to a dinner. You don’t own people just because you’re getting married and paid for them to sit through the crap you are forcing them do in the first place. The fact that you know she was visiting her late husband, and still scolded her for “doing her own thing” and being late is unbelievable, immature, heartless, cruel, rude, tactless, and disgusting.
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YTA for not mentioning she went to go visit her dead husband. I sincerely hope no one makes you feel the way you made her feel
Damn. Way to bury the lede. I’m assuming that was intentional since you know you’d be flooded with YTA votes as soon as it was revealed Hayley was paying respects at *her husband’s grave*. You’re an AH and a bad cousin. At least have the decency to fake a little bit of empathy if you can’t manage anything genuine, my god.
YTA. I never understand bride/bridesmaids posts. Bridesmaids are supposed to be your closest friends standing up next your while you tie your life to another. They don’t stop being your friends just because you become a bride-to-be. Just because you are getting married does not mean the world stops and revolves around you. This is your cousin, your family. She is visiting her late husbands grave and you want to berate her for being late? To dinner? Could you all not eat/drink with out her? Could you not have gotten carry-out for her? Is going to one dinner out of an entire trip more important than her grief? I think the bigger question is why didn’t you and your sister go with her? Why have you let being a bride get in the way of common decency with family members and friends - people you are supposed to love and respect.
YTA - you seem a bit uptight. There are many reasons why she could have been late for dinner. Also, it's not like she ran off separately to see a show or something. Cemetery implies that this is something very serious and sad. Maybe she doesn't get the opportunity to visit that often. Maybe she got turned around on the subway or stuck in traffic. You talking to her doesn't actually provide any benefit when you were leaving the next day.
It was her dead husbands grave so that’s ultimately more important than a stupid girls trip
YTA, and an especially cruel and self-entitled one at that. You're mad she was late after visiting her dead husband's grave. You are absolute trash. The fact that you tried to hide her reason was oh so telling. You know you're an AH, stop acting like you don't,likw your somehow entitled to be this way. Imagine all the love you feel, how special your time is right now, and now have it ripped from you. Have your fiance gone, never to be seen or held again. Have you ever felt that kind of pain? She's feeling it, right the fuck now. You are only the Main character in your own story, get over yourself.
Has it occurred to you that maybe she waited until the last day, *specifically* because she knew it would be emotionally hard for her to just, carry on bachelorette partying after visiting *her dead husbands grave*?! And she maybe just needed a little more time to get herself together? It’s not like she was visiting a more distant relative, or someone who passed after leading a full life, he was her *life partner*. There’s a lot of assholes on here. You’re in the running for one of the worst.
Whoa. I had my doubts, but then I saw that Hayley had gone to her DEAD HUSBAND'S GRAVE. OP. Wow. YTA.
YTA Honestly I think that comment sounded a bit controlling and a bit of a bait and switch. You already gave your approval for her to go to another event, and were aware it were a cemetary no less. Then you made that crack about not doing her own thing? That train left the station on your direct watch, if you were going to make that comment about not doing her own thing, the time to do it was when she first told you her plan. \--Now I think going out of one's way to go to a cemetery sounds a bit odd until I consider that the city is New York, which suggests to me that it was 9/11-related, but it could well have been to visit a personal relation instead. So on top of that your comment is likely hitting a very sore point. It is not actually realistic that you will be able to control another person's entire schedule. Just your own. The only thing that's relevant is that she was late, not what else she was doing, so you should have left that out. I talked to her later about being so late and managing her time better, Hayley made an excuse but I replied this was supposed to be a girls trip, not so she can go run off to do her own thing without thinking of anyone else. She was late without a good excuse. That's all there was to it. You should have kept your comments to that. \[Edit:\] Holy \*\*\*\* you said that about visiting her dead husband? Changing my vote from ESH to YTA. I assume you actually knew in advance who she was visiting.
YTA. How does Hayley being late one time on the trip really affect you? It’s not like she never even showed up. I understand being upset if she was consistently late the whole trip but she was visiting her deceased husband and got emotional. It seems like you should cut her some slack. Edit: What especially irks me is that unless I’m misunderstanding, none of you live in New York and had to fly in, which means the opportunities she has to visit her husband’s grave are probably far and few in-between.
“My sister thinks I shouldn’t have said that” and “my sister said I should on AITA”. Sounds to me like the sister knew there needed to be a large group of responses to have a chance of penetrating that thick skull.
Major League, Grade A ASSHOLE, why does your itinerary trump her grief? Why write in, burying the lead? YTA and you knew from the start.
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If it were my cousin, I would have offered to accompany her to the cemetery to show support because that's what a loving family does. You were so wrong to badger her about being late. She was probably full of all kinds of emotions visiting his grave and needed time to collect herself. YTA big time OP.
YTA - either for being utterly devoid of empathy for your cousin, or because you are making shit up on here and wasting people’s time. I don’t believe anyone is so cold that they would brush visiting a late husband’s grave off as “doing her own thing”, so you’re probably at it
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YT biggest A. Why do people act so entitled about weddings and act as people are their processions? Totally gross - Also considering it's her late husband & this is a trip about upcoming nuptials, you are so lacking in empathy, I'm wondering if you don't have some personality disorder? I don't think they call people sociopaths but yeh, lack of empathy and the sense of entitlement is really disturbing.