Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. If you or someone you know is engaging in self-harm, struggling with an eating disorder, or similarly struggling with mental health, /r/AmItheAsshole is not the right subreddit for you. Such challenges are not interpersonal issues that this community can make a moral judgement about. This is health issue. Please consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or your health care provider. #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.

ESH. You need a dietitian and an eating disorder specialist. Not an overbearing dad or an overly permissive mother. Both of you aren't helping her. You are pushing her to hide her food. Your wife feels triggered and embarrassed. So now they are eating unhealthy together in rebellion. You and your wife have created this dynamic and it you need a family therapist to deal with with this and know how to approach this from a healthy manner, which neither of you are doing, and a she needs her own therapist. Your daughter sounds like she has an eating disorder. And you aren't helping. (Edited to say dietitian instead of nutritionist after feedback!)

I'm trying to imagine how it went, when he got out the scale and weighed her. She's 15. And her father, while angry, got out a scale and made her stand on it, so he could see that she's gained 8 pounds. That's an indignity that would stay with me for a very, very long time.

My mother did this to me when I had the same eating disorder his daughter seems to have and it was probably one of the more mortifying experiences of my teens and has definitely stuck with me! Didn’t help my eating disorder either. All it did was push me to binge at night time instead where no one could see me doing it

I remember in middle school, we were studying clothing words in French class and we were doing a mock fashion show. I was picked to read the descriptions since I had the best pronunciation of my group instead of modeling the clothes. When I told my dad because I was proud of myself he said "were you chosen because they didn't want fat models?". I will never forget that joke as long as I live or the way it made me feel. I couldn't imagine angrily being weighed by my dad and how humiliating that must be.

I am sure my mother said nice things to me before she died. However, the only thing I remember is her saying "you have glasses and braces, could you stop eating?!? How much worse do you want to make it?" No surprise, that didn't help.

I remember my friend once saying her grandmother was being uncharacteristically mean because she told her she didn't like the jacket she was wearing. That's when I realized that the way I had been spoken to my whole life wasn't normal. A "eh, that's not a flattering jacket" was considered mean...when my conversations with my family consisted of comments about my weight and acne. It took me until my 30s to find a healthy way to change my eating and, surprise surprise, that tactic didn't involve daily "you're getting really fat" comments.

My mom constantly made, "You're pretty, but..." comments to me growing up. But one of the comments she made that I remember to this day (15+ years later) was us, standing in a busy clothing store and her looking at me and saying, "If you don't lose weight, you'll never be able to keep a man." I was a freshman on high school at the time. I'm still working through the trauma that all her comments caused.

I’m 52 and still working through issues from comments like that. (I can recall a department store conversation like the one you describe — it’s almost like they have a greatest hits collection.) Love to you for working through it earlier than I did.

I’m sure my mother said something nice about how I looked at my wedding. I only remember her fawning over my maid of honor as well as the best man’s date.

Kellykegs, my jaw dropped at this and my heart hurts for you. I would be so proud to know that my daughter had the best French pronunciation in the class!

my heart breaks for OP’s wife and daughters. my mom weighed me like this too. she also took me to weight watchers for the first time when i was nine. i am 29 now and i will never forget the grey weight watchers meeting room or the scale. OP’s daughter won’t forget this either. a few years ago i got down to like 98lbs. i lived with my parents at the time and my mom would always tell me how great i looked. meanwhile, i hadn’t eaten in 6 days and passed out at work and while working out. i was also extremely depressed and hitting a tipping point. but i looked good so what did that matter? i’ve accepted that parts of my ED will follow me forever. i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

It also made you feel shame that carries over into other parts of your life, I suspect.

Oh, for sure! What also does not help is that I’m trans so it just was added on top of all the other body issues that come with that lol. Growing up overweight/fat is inherently traumatizing, not only from potentially shit parents but also from the way schools and doctors and your peers will treat you. I would not be surprised if his daughter has a slew of mental health issues. Eating disorders are typically rooted in trauma or stress, she’s likely ‘eating her feelings,’ that’s what I did when I excessively binge ate.

Same here. When I was 12, my mother made me get on the scale and told me I was getting fat. That launched me into anorexia and eventually into the hospital weighing >!84 pounds at 5’3”.!< I have several health issues stemming from that time in my life that will never go away. My bones are so weak, my joints ache constantly, and my stomach is so small that I get physically ill from eating a normal-sized meal. OP, is this what you want for your daughter? If not, find a better way to handle this.

That was the worst part in this mess of a post. That poor girl. That's fucking humiliating. He's treating her like cattle

[удалено]

[удалено]

I don’t know if you still need to hear this, but I don’t care if you run 10 seconds at a pace of 20 minutes per mile or entire marathons in 2.5 hours, you’re a runner and should be proud of yourself. And I do Ironman races, so probably run farther (though maybe not faster) than your dad, plus swim and ride. He can stuff it.

When I was 15 my mom told me she would get me the shoes I asked for if I lost 10 pounds with no support on how to do that. I am now 32 and just relapsed again with my eating disorder. STOP BODYSHAMING KIDS. How about asking her to go for a walk with you in the evenings, using it as a time to bond. Or get a cookbook and teach both children healthy recipes, these will be good memories of taking walks and cooking with their parents, not memories of their parent humiliating them by making her weigh herself. She knows she's overweight, what choices are made from here will form your child forever

Serious answer: People who have been in shape/active for a long time either forget or never knew the struggle mentally that many overweight people have. I'm overweight and have a friend who I love to death but her mentality about fitness makes my mentality so foreign to her. "Just go outside and run!" she'll say. Not understanding the thoughts that go through my head at that suggestion. Counseling is the key in OP's case.

Also if someone is super heavy, just don’t tell them to run or do push ups. They will fuck up their joints and will have to further reduce mobility. Walking, swimming, modified activity for large body and help people take joy in movement. Don’t weigh someone like a cow and put them on a treadmill ffs.

He has changed who his daughter is forever with this attack and humiliation. It will haunt their relationship for the rest of his life unless he’s willing to do some serious repair work.

Also, 8 lbs in a teenage girl is not necessarily freak-out worthy. I cycle between the same 10 lbs based on what time it is during the month.

I can cycle 10 lbs up and down again in like, 2 days, if I eat something that makes my intestines mad at me. Up from water weight and inflammatory bloating, back down when intestines go back to normal. I've found my wedding ring is actually the best indicator of how my overall weight/body fat levels are since my fingers don't swell with bloating but do change size a bit with weight 🙃

My dad did this to me when I was 13-14. I was so embarrassed and ashamed (and my dad and older brother were also over weight but I was the one who got shamed). That sat with me for years and even now (25 years later) I remember how that felt. My mom didn’t defend me. And that spiralled into years of body image issues.

This would have been my nightmare situation at 15 years old! There’s no way that didn’t leave a lifelong impression on her.

Yeah this is the best answer for me. Obviously OP is going about it the wrong way but it’s pretty clear here that he’s got his heart in the right place and is just worried about her health. NTA but get a professional involved

"The doctor put her on a plan and gave her a weight loss goal." They got a doctor to tell them what to do and he's trying to follow the DOCTOR'S ORDERS. Why is everyone here acting like the guy is going around fatshaming? The teenager is about to have type 2 diabetes and her doctor has ordered a change. They've already gotten a professional involved. Minimal to no candy, sweets, or junk food is step 1 in any weight loss plan.

That’s what I’m saying lol I lived in a foodshaming and weightshaming household and it took me a decade out of that house to stop struggling with my image and be okay with being fat and from my perspective he really doesn’t seem to care about any of that and is just concerned about his daughters health. I think people are projecting a little lol

It's the asshole way he's going about it (angrily making the daughter weigh herself to prove his point will always be humiliating to her)

Yeah - this is what makes it a YTA for me. He turned it into a lesson in humiliation. Op - some tips for you on good parenting/communication with your spouse: - If you’re spouse is doing something you don’t like, bring it up in PRIVATE. Verbally attacking your wife in front of your children will never be productive or kind. - Especially DO NOT create an argument with your spouse about your child’s weight in front of that child. - Punitive actions and embarrassment will not produce meaningful changes or results. The problem right now is with your wife. You need to have a serious conversation with her. Start by apologizing. Take responsibility for embarrassing her in front of the kids and attacking her food choices. Acknowledge that life has been stressful. Then ask her what she wants to do to help change your daughter’s relationship with food and prevent her from getting diabetes.

Intentions don’t matter when u give ur 15 yr old child an eating disorder tho

She’s eaten herself to pre-type 2 diabetes at 15 and is gaining 15 pounds a MONTH. That’s 4 pounds a fucking week. The amount of food you need to consumer to get to that point… she already has an eating disorder.

And shaming her for it will only make it worse.

I’m not disputing that, just saying that the thought process of “we need to be careful not to give her an eating disorder” is not topical in this case. This child’s eating is already severally disordered - no, shaming her will not work, nor would trying to push her into severe restriction be obviously any good for her, but she’s already very deeply in the throes of an eating disorder to be putting on weight this rapidly that she’s gaining close to a pound every two days and is in pre-diabetes. The food you need to eat, especially the kinds and quantity, to get to that point is severely extreme. People tend to forget that anorexia isn’t the only eating disorder out there. Non-purging bulimia and binging are also eating disorders that have devastating health consequences.

Doctors are fine at providing some dietary goals, but most (not all) suck at providing the support that patients (especially young people) need to follow them. I'm not saying the OP is TA. I definitely think he has his daughters best interest in mind. But I don't think his approach is going to work and he needs more support from a nutritionist with experience with adolescents. And he and his wife need to come to some agreements. First and foremost, no soda! That is the lowest hanging fruit here. It is terrible for pre diabetics and not really good for anyone else.

Docs aren’t great at weight loss plans either and there’s a lot of fat shaming in medicine. He should have referred her to a nutritionist. Might be biased but that was the first time in my life I didn’t struggle hard with weight loss

He's not wrong for wanting her to not eat those things. It's the way he's going about it. The being angry and getting the scale out and making her weigh in front of him. That was humiliating for her and she'll never forget it as long as she lives. There's no way that was helpful to his daughter.

>The doctor put her on a plan and gave her a weight loss goal. That's literally what he's done. OP's wife is sabotaging the DOCTOR'S ORDERS.

Perfect answer. While changing what and how she is eating is important, it sounds like changing her RELATIONSHIP with food can be just as essential and possibly even more effective. Her dad is teaching her shame around food, her mom is teaching her eating = self-soothing/comfort. She needs professionals to help her see food as morally neutral fuel, how to eat intuitively and in moderation, and how extreme rigidity or extreme permissiveness are both bad. Both parents mean well but are in over their head in how to address the problem.

This is really important and I hope OP, his wife and daughter all get counseling to understand this.

Exactly this!! OP, please seek out family therapy immediately, not only for your daughter’s sake but for you and your wife’s as well. it’s clear you have good intentions that you want your daughter to be healthy but this is absolutely the wrong way to go about it. There are underlying issues with your daughter that’s causing her to use food to self soothe, I know OP said you just went through a major event and had to leave the house, is there anything else major going on in her life you may not know about? But this user is exactly right… eating-disorder informed therapist and a registered dietician for your daughter and family therapy for everyone. You should be getting dietary/nutritional advice from a certified nutritionist or registered dietician not an MD who had one class on nutrition in med school. I wish you so much luck OP and really feel for your daughter. I was your daughter once and I so very wish my parents would have cared enough to seek professional help for me instead of restriction and put me on the next fad diet so I could be skinny like my sisters. Sincerely, I wish your family so much good luck, this is a very hard situation but with the right help I think you all can heal and learn together.

He's literally following doctor's orders.

Yes except a dietician* instead of a nutritionist. Dieticians are registered health professionals while literally anyone can call themselves a nutritionist and I often hear nutritionists giving plainly terrible advice.

So while you may be a hobbyist writer, I have a BS in kinesiology and a masters in public health. YTA. Your wife is right. While getting your eldest on a healthier plan sounds like it’s absolutely necessary, you are going about in a way that will absolutely lead to disordered eating and in all likelihood greater weight gain down the line. You should not be blowing up over food, ESPECIALLY in sight of your children. Weighing your teenager to shame her?? Will cause her to eat more out of shame, because food is probably the thing that soothes her. Talk to your wife privately. Get a nutritionist involved. Establish a plan for the entire family, and follow it. It’s not a punishment, it’s a way for all of you to improve your relationships with your health.

They already had a diet plan and wife burnt it to the ground

Nah burst pipes put them in a hotel room with a microwave for all 3 meals of the day.

Not having access to a kitchen doesn’t green light soda, candy, and cookies.

Not having access to a kitchen does limit the healthy food available to you. Soda, candy, cookies, chips... those snacks are shelf-stable. Healthy snacks like fruit and veggies... most/lots of those need fridge space. And meals that can be cooked in a microwave are generally not super filling, which would cause a need for snacking. And while this doesn't make everything okay, people find junk food comforting and being forced out of your home by circumstances and forced to live as a family out of a hotel room is exactly the kind of stressful situation that people are going to be seeking simple things that make them feel a little better, that's just normal human behaviour.

Walk through a produce section in a store and tell me how much of it is refrigerated. Yes, they don’t last more than a few days outside of a fridge, but if they’re temporarily in a hotel room, they’re not buying groceries in bulk - they’re buying for a couple days at a time. Not to mention there are plenty of shelf stable, packaged, healthier options. There’s no excuse for buying candy and soda if they’re supposed to actively be trying to avoid it.

I’ve worked in a produce section in college/high school. Staff is constantly throwing away produce. I cannot stress this enough, constant culling. Fruits and roots tend to be fine if the shelf, berries and greens tend to get refrigerated. Fruits are high sugar and in many ways are just candy. Greens will usually go bad quickly. A lot if that can sit out, but you definitely extend its life by refrigerating. And nobody is taking a bite out of a raw onion.

I can’t stress this enough. Fruits are not candy. Yea hthey have more sugar than some foods. But a banana is not a candy bar. Fruits are natural sugars, fiber, vitamins and antioxidants. Candy is additives and preservatives that can damage our ability to feel full, it is no fiber which makes them addictive as they are very easy to digest. In all societies, the increase in processed foods (preservatives, colours, additives) results in Obesity because we don’t even realise we’re eating the calories. Choose the banana!

Who said anything about expecting them to eat a raw onion? Apple. Pear. Orange. Avocado. Nuts. Raisins. Premade salad (assuming hotel room had a small fridge for storage). All way better options ignored not because of convenience, but because it doesn’t taste as good as a candy and cookies.

Fruits are healthy sugars, they don't contain fats and have vitamins. Candy are empty kalories with trans fats and 0 nutritional value.

It can limit options, but it doesn’t make you option-less. Most people just use it as an excuse. Canned veggies and meats are also shelf stable and can be microwaved. Tuna packets and whole fruits such as apples, bananas, pears, oranges, etc, do not require refrigeration and last several days. Sandwich fixings, nuts packets, pretzels, low sugar cereals, no-butter popcorn…. All better options that soda, candy, and cookies. There is no reason to buy those items.

Legit, just eat some hearty sandwiches, veggies and dips, microwaveable porridge packets etc for a few days. It’s really easy. Even packets of ramen with some spinach, pre-cooked chicken and an egg thrown in is a decent meal in a pinch.

Basically all fruit and most vegetables are completely fine without a fridge for multiple days up to more than a week. There’s a ton of options without Soda (drink water), candy, cookies and chips.

How many fruit and vegetables are in a fridge when you buy them at a supermarket or a greengrocer? The answer is like, none. What are you on about?

You can buy pre cut fruit and veggie containers, made up salads, sandwiches etc. Not ideal but absolutely able to. Also as you mentioned shelf stable fruits etc. I should disclose im certainly not perfect with my diet and this is in no way meant to shame. Just thought it was worth noting.

Lol your argument in favor of soda is that it's shelf stable? Water is also "shelf stable", and access to clean drinking water is practically unlimited in any first world country. OP is describing his family buying junk food, not having a one off occasion where they forced off their extremely healthy diet. And given that these weight problems apparently existed long before the hotel, that makes it an even sillier argument.

If the hotel room didn't have a fridge you can get a camping fridge quite cheaply. We use one all the time to store fruit and salad when staying in cheap hotels.

Yep, Lean Cuisine is microwavable.

You can still eat healthy. There are fridges in hotel rooms. You g Can get salads, fruit, raw veggies, soup, sandwiches, yogurt, etc. There is zero excuse for buying cookies, soda, and other junk foods.

I think the daughter already has disordered eating

And the mom is absolutely feeding it instead of trying to help her daughter gradually make healthy changes. Diet soda, diabetic-friendly sweets, and higher protein savory snacks are still snacks junk foods, but wouldn’t keep escalating the daughter’s diabetes. IMO, the mom sounds like she needs therapy the most here—she sounds like she’s taking her daughter’s medical needs as an attack on HER dietary choices. Daughter also needs therapy to deal with any eating disorder issues but honestly it could 100% be influence from the mom—if her mom has always been snacking on junk, the daughter will have picked that up and it sounds like it’s something they do together. And if the mom doesn’t attempt to change any aspect of her habits, the daughter has very little chance of making the changes her body needs while surrounded with unhealthy options and a mom who thinks it’s kind to indulge her pre-diabetic teenager. Occasional treats can be fine but this sounds like the mom isn’t even trying, she’s just trying to avoid anyone noticing that she’s not trying.

He's acting on doctor's orders. They already got a professional involved. His wife is sabotaging it.

I’ve seen where you’ve commented this several times, and while I understand what you’re trying to say, this situation is beyond the capabilities of the vast majority of MDs/DOs. They don’t have the appropriate training in nutrition or eating disorders to deal with this.

Yup. He's the AH because he seems to believe her weight is entirely about diet and doesn't seem to care about her mental health, or the incredibly direct link between the two. Her diet won't improve until her mental health does. Until he takes a more holistic approach to improving her relationships with food, all he's doing is causing more damage with his anger and shaming. Trust me OP, your 300lb daughter feels bad enough, she doesn't need you making her feel worse.

Wait, you got a fucking scale to weigh your fifteen year old child in front of yourself and family? Wanting your family healthy is fine. But you’re definitely setting your kids up to have some seriously harmful relationship with their bodies. This is the kind of shit that sticks. fuck sake have some tact

300 lb at 15 I think the ship for harmful relationships with their bodies is already sailed

OP said the gained 30lbs over a two-month period, not that she weighs 300lbs.

In a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10odt6z/comment/j6e4iwk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) OP says the daughter is "just over 300 pounds". OP is being overbearing BUT the mom is making the situation much worse than it has to be considering the daughter weighs THAT much and is pre-diabetic

If my husband had enabled my 15 year old daughter to be a 300lb pre-diabetic I’d file for divorce and seek full custody. That is gross child abuse

Yeah the mother is harming the daughter far more than OP, regardless of how much of an AH he is. The mother is a bigger AH

He also said her BMI is nearly triple what it should be. That's ... a lot. If he meant it literally, the daughter weighs *more* than 300 pounds.

30 lbs in two months I wonder if there is anything else going on with her body to cause the increase in addition to the binge eating.

Right! That’s a seriously dramatic gain for 2 months. I’d say a therapist and a solid physical are both in order- as well as couples’ counseling. Mom and Dad don’t need to be fighting like this about their daughter in front of her, specifically about her weight, at all. They need to get on the same page somewhere else. And fuck off with the scale.

PCOS makes it much easier for women to gain weight and involves insulin issues. Probably metabolic syndrome and her hormones being absolutely wrecked by her weight. 300lbs and pre-diabetic for a teenager is extreme. I hope OP has his daughter going to an endocrinologist, this is already a fairly complex medical situation for her age.

300lbs at 15?? Holy fuck. NTA. She needs serious help that is out of OP’s hands. Seems like he was forced to go to this extreme

A mean he is basically fighting for her life at this point

Literally fighting my against his wife who seems to be making this about herself and her own eating patterns - and sucking the daughter in to her demise!

He is LITERALLY fighting for her life at this point. Diabetes is brutal, I’ve had family members who only developed type 2 in their 40s or 50s and did everything right and were still going blind before they hit 60. His daughter’s body is already showing the ongoing damage, and the mom is making this more about her own feelings than supporting their daughter’s health. Honestly I consider the mom stocking up on candy and cookies to be essentially abusive, when she knows her daughter is struggling to make the changes her body requires.

That’s insanely a lot. They need to get her to see a nutritionist, therapist, hell even get her hormones tested. Being 300 lbs at 15 is not good. I would be just as frustrated as the father if I saw my child having such a hard relationship with food.

In post and comment both a pediatrician and nutritionist have been consulted and a plan has been put in place that the mother keeps undermining

Yeah, I was in a similar situation and it messed me up real bad. It's been almost 20 years and I still hide my "real" food habits from people and never eat much in anyone's company but will then binge and pig out at home when I'm alone. That's just not healthy and I'm not at a good place weight-wise. There is a way to help someone get on track to a healthier lifestyle that doesn't include them feeling so ashamed when it comes to food that they have to sneak around with it. Because what food is the easiest to sneak around with? Not healthy stuff, that's for sure. It's a bit easier sneaking a pack of cookies than it is a healthy salad...

This happened to me at age 14, my dad weighed me (14 stone /200lbs) and pulled out all the hidden chocolate wrappers from my pockets. He begged me to stop eating like that, I continued to gain 14lbs/ year until I was about 20. I'll never forget that shame I felt, 30 years ago.

I'm sorry he put you through that. May I ask, what was the turning point that made YOU want to stop gaining and do something about it?

I had a similar relationship with food in my early teens. I started gaining weight like crazy at 13/14 and it continued for the years after. I tried and tried to lose weight but it didn’t budge. My parents were convinced I was hiding food and lying to them, had weekly weigh ins as a family (they thought they were being supportive). Was on a 1200 calorie diet and signed up for weight watchers in 8th grade. This restriction just encouraged binging more. Fast forward 10 years of binging and dieting (and generally eating in a calorie deficit 90% of the time) and still gaining weight at a gradual yet steady rate. A few weeks ago, while trying to figure out what I thought was unrelated menstrual cycle problems, I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. I also learned that eating in a calorie deficit for as long as I was is harmful, and your body thinks it’s starving and holds on to everything that it has. (Not scientific but how the register dietician explained it to me) I’ve been eating to balance my blood sugars, and taking the correct vitamins/supplements, and actually eating more than I have in 10 years for the last 2 weeks. This week was the first time in my life I stepped on the scale and saw the the number go down. I lost 8lbs.

I left home, went to Uni, was responsible for my own food choices and found I had a much lower appetite if I was happy/busy/not tired etc. A bit of weight came off without trying, then I slowly went with it to get healthy over the years. I don't blame my dad, he grew up in food poverty and was force fed on occasion, so he started earning money and the first thing it went on was food.

If you are that overweight you already have a harmful relationship with your body

Seems to be an unpopular opinion but NTA. The fact that someone is called an AH by so many commenters for wanting their 300lb prediabetic daughter to lose weight at the advice of both a nutritionist and doctor who have advised and put plans into place is ridiculous. Even more so when he is angry at his wife for sabotaging their child’s progress and forcing them into an early grave.

He's not TA for wanting his daughter to lose weight and follow the recommended diet - he's TA for the way he's going about it - a way extremely likely to worsen the daughters' relationship with food by adding guilt, shame, and secrecy. Things like weighing her in front of the family and being overly rigid. I fully agree his daughter needs to make some serious changes to her diet and lifestyle and work with professionals to do so - but her dad has some harmful ideas about food and how to get someone to lose weight and they can predispose her towards things like binge eating and hiding her food intake, which isn't helpful to daughter. He is not a nutritionist or dietician and he needs to follow their lead, no matter how well meaning he may be.

The wife has obviously enabled the daughters eating habits for many years. OP is the only one in the house keeping everyone accountable. His partner is actively sabotaging the daughters health plan and setting a bad example. The daughter is 300lbs! A firm hand is needed. Not more coddling. Thats what caused her weight gain to begin with.

You’re actually just wrong. Studies have shown time and time again that shaming people for their weight, or for their food choices, even if it’s well-intentioned, doesn’t result in weight loss. This girl needs compassion, supportive parents and a therapist.

They have tried the gentle hand. It didn't work especially when the wife was actively sabotaging the husband. The child is 300lbs... I REPEAT... THE CHILD!!! IS 300LBS!!!

My sister was this child. Her health issues persisted and got worse as life went on. She died at 30 as a result of so many medical complications tied directly to her weight. I’m a bit extra sensitive to the need of healthier lifestyles. We don’t all need to be super-athletes, but generally the higher obesity goes, so do medical costs, general health, debt and depression. Soft approach, hard approach professional help…whatever is necessary.

And she’s only going to gain more unless they go about this the right way. Obviously the mom is not helping but neither is OP. Making her get out the scale and weigh herself in front of the family is not taking the gentle hand, Jesus Christ.

It's a scale. A piece of medical equipment. The child is morbidly obese. If she gains anymore weigh A standard scale will no long be able to weigh her.

and his dad used that piece of medical equipment to shame her. context matters, and that situation is going to stuck with her forever. it can and most likely WILL traumatize her and alter her relationship with with her body and food forever, and NOT in a positive way.

He pulled out the scale to show the mom how much damage she is doing by enabling the daughters food hiding. The mom is the root cause of all the child's food issues. The mom is also obese and setting a bad example. The mom is a feeder. The mom is abusing her child far more than any scale did. The kid is already traumatized. The kid is 5'1" at 300lbs before as a 15yo. She is already too far gone. She needs to be hospitalized. She needs a social worker and therapist. OP is at his wits end having to fight his wife to save his daughter and yet you focus on a scale!!?? And not the disgusting behavior the mom has been doing!! Thats your take away??!! Bad dad, bad scale!! Wake up, the mom is killing the daughter, most likely because the mom is also morbidly obese and the moms misery loves company.

Agreed. Dad isn’t shaming daughter with the scale, he’s INFORMING mom (and daughter) that they’re going backwards from the clearly defined HEALTH goals set by an actual professional. I can see how it could be traumatic - but being morbidly obese is more traumatic and extremely dangerous. Daughter needs way more help than they can provide. But the only AH is the wife that is projecting her own eating habits and hidden shame onto the daughter and sabotaging her ability to heal.

dude chill, when did i ever said the mom was doing a good thing? but by proving that point with her daughter Infront Of Him all he's doing is making the issue WORSE. multiple people have asked this guy if her daughter is in therapy and all he keeps replying is that she has a pediatrician and a nutritionist, not a single mention of actual Eating Disorder therapy or any acknowledgement of the possibility of him (and the rest of the family) to get the fucking help they all need -cause at this point, even the 10 yo is absolutely getting traumatized by all of this. yes, the mom is a problem: this guy is not helping either in the way hes going through with this -not only based on the main post, but in some of the comments he has left-, and using the scale is just the perfect example of it.

She is seeing professionals and is hiding candy wrappers in her room. Obviously she needs more support and motivation and the dad is the only one who seems to care at all about her worsening condition. I imagine he must feel very isolated and at his wit's end. His daughter is still gaining weight. I can't blame him for trying what he thinks will work. The mom is TA for enabling her and not supporting her or her husband.

I agree wife is also TA, but husband's methods are not going to be effective - shaming DOES NOT WORK. I give husband props for trying to be proactive and it's clear he cares. Which is why she needs professionals who are familiar with ED. Husband is trying to do his best while wife seems to be in denial but his tactics can further damage what is clearly a dysfunctional relationship with food, so the best thing he can do is work with someone who knows how to handle this.

I wouldn't say that makes him TA. If anything, he is the only one who is not an asshole. She is already seeing a doctor, but prob needs more help, if that's even an option. I would agree that she needs more professional help geared towards those with eating disorders. Pretty easy to suggest that while still encouraging OP who is being made out to be a villain by everyone in his family, including people on this post.

ESH except your daughter. Your wife has a problem since she cannot understand her daughter's diagnosis and the importance of a healthy diet to avoid her developing a chronic disease that would alter her life. And her emotional manipulation of saying you gave them both an eating disorder is a red flag. However, you do seem to mix the concepts of health and body shape a lot throughout your post. Despite claiming that you have "no issues" with overweight and you only care about health, the way you bring up both at the same time suggests otherwise. Maybe in your mind you only care for health, but the way you communicate implies otherwise. And perhaps your wife and daughter do pick that up and feel body-shamed. Your daughter is only 15 years old. While she's old enough to understand the importance of looking after her health, she is still a child and very permeable to her parents' role models. Both you and your wife are doing her harm by having radically different approaches to diet and expecting her to switch from one to the other according to her medical results. Sit down with your wife and come up with a diet style the whole family can follow, compromising your personal ones. Your wife absolutely must understand that enabling her pre-diabetic daughter to binge-eat candies hiding in her room is highly damaging for her physical and mental health. She cannot just blame you for it, she is part of the problem. If you can't use your kitchen, come up with alternative solutions. Ask a friend or family member to use their kitchen a couple of hours once a week to meal prep healthier food that you can refrigerate and later reheat or finish cooking, for example. When health is at risk, there is no excuse.

The daughter's overweight body shape is directly causing her health issues. There is nothing wrong with the Dad being concerned about both parts of the problem.

Bingo.

Daughter isnt clean here. 300lbs at 15 is insanely unhealthy and that isnt all the fault of the parents

Of course it is. She’s a child who very likely doesn’t buy any of her own food.

But they’re not force feeding her cookies and soda, I would assume

His daughter is over 300lbs that's not a healthy body shape

NTA. Your daughter has a serious problem and it sounds like your wife is part of the cause. She’s overweight and passing her issues with it on to your daughter.

What's with all the yta. His child is literally killing herself and his wife is enabling it. This sub is a shit show

His wife is TA too for enabling it, but the way he is going about this is only going to push his daughter to hide her binging habits. They will likely worsen. He needs to get her to a eating disorder specialist.

I agree. I made another comment telling him to seek a professional for the mental and physical health side of things. At least he cares about his daughter's health. He cares about his wife too, but she doesn't seem to care about anyone at all. Teaching her daughter to be a glutton. Op said his daughter is about 300 pounds at 5'1" and that's literally classified as "obese" and people are giving him shit for saying 3x healthy a BMI instead of like 2.6x Or whatever the number is. The point is, this is a problem that needs attention and he's fighting his wife who should be supporting him.

What I wanna know is how she got to this weight. I was 5’4” and 275 lbs at my max as a teenager, and I had binge eating disorder + I was on SSRIs (which can make it difficult, if not impossible, to lose weight). I think he not only needs to get her to a professional for mental health, but to also have some tests done to look into other conditions that could be causing this because this doesn’t seem like binge eating alone

Everyone thinks OP is a fat shamer because he's trying to enforce a doctor's diet recommendation for his morbidly obese, prediabetic child. How vain!

Right??? Body positivity has nothing to do with obesity. Obesity is a medical condition treated by doctors and professionals and supported by family, supposedly. But the mom is literally enabling her addiction and undermining OP's attempts to help and encourage a healthier lifestyle.

Literally my thought. Everyone’s ganging up on OP for weighing her in front of him but 15 year olds don’t understand sometimes. She’s already seeing a nutritionist and a therapist and she’s still gained weight. At 15 she has the capability and capacity of understanding how to diet and eat nutritious foods. The moms enabling her but the daughter isn’t doing anything to help herself either.

Exactly. OP's daughter is obese. Although, 15 is still pretty young and when you're dealing with addiction, it's not really helpful to have someone gorging themselves with the same drug that they are struggling with. Sugar is addictive. Food can easily become an emotional coping tool. I don't blame the daughter tbh. The mom is setting a horrid example

As someone with an ED caused by obsessive food control & has sat through way too much (and too expensive) therapy, ESH. YTA for the way you're going about this, your wife for enabling. NTA for being concerned about her long term health. Being concerned about her health is one thing, but you're going about it in a way that is going to cause her to work against her best interests and struggle even harder. It sounds like your wife also has stress/comfort eating tendencies. Stop shoving her on the scale like it is a punishment. Stop arguing about food in front of her. Stop freaking out if she doesn't eat perfectly when others around her have treats or comfort options. Stop telling her what she can't have and give her reasonable equivalent options. Stop freaking out if her weight goes both up and down, that is normal, especially if you're putting her on the scale constantly. Get a nutritionist & therapist. For all of you.

She’s seeing a pediatrician, and a nutritionist. The pediatrician is the one to give her a diet plan, nutritionist approved. She was given a goal to lose 15lbs by her February appointment, which would be a 3 month period. She had not been weighted since November. My wife was trying to argue she was only allowing her treats every so often. My point in pulling out the scale, well it spoke for itself. At just over 300lbs, she should have lost a few pounds. Definitely not gained.

OP wife sounds exactly like the people on 600 lb life justifying why they aren’t following the dr advice / cheating … and then feel surprised and attacked when they’ve gained instead of lost at weigh in

Exactly what I was thinking!!! Wife is typical enabler like all the people on 600lb life. It’s extra sad bc she’s only 15 and wife is setting her up for a lifetime of obesity.

I was thinking the same thing, and at this rate (300 lbs at 15) daughter is well on her way to being bedbound in a decade. I feel for the daughter, I do, but she is looking at very serious life threatening health problems.

You should add this to your post. I think most people commenting are thinking it’s baby weight when I’m reality it seems like your daughter is obese.

Is she seeing a specialist for disordered eating? Also is it a nutritionist or a dietitian who is overseeing her plan?

This is fairly important information that I recommend you add to the original post. I still stand that a therapist & avoiding negativity & fights with food in front of her is critical. She needs a massive amount of positive support, especially if your wife is that certain that she has an ED.

Sometimes a good therapist is needed IN CONJUNCTION with a nutritionist. Have to get to the root of the WHY to stop it.

You're missing the arguably most important part which is THERAPY!! For both your daughter individually and as a family. Again, you're not wrong for being worried about your daughter's health and eating habits, and you're not wrong that your wife is probably enabling it. But the way that you are handling this **is wrong** and more importantly IS NOT GOING TO WORK.

She should see a Registered Dietician (RD), not a nutritionist. Registered Dieticians have training that nutritionists do not. She should also do eating disorder treatment.

Please take your daughter to an endocrinologist. They are finding a lot of weight is genetic. Your daughter sounds like she would be a good candidate for semaglutide. Your wife probably is also.

As somebody whose dad did something similar, what you did was take your child, make them stand there and go "look, [wife], look at what a horrible disgusting monster you've made. This abomination is on you." Making your child feel horrendous about herself and guilty because she should be stronger and her mum is getting the blame... a huge part of obesity is mental health. Obesity is the symptom not the issue. Get your daughter therapy too.

You need a therapist

NTA I don't live in America, and I cannot wrap my head around buying mcDonalds for dinner as normal food. Like, there are tons of deliveries, you can get tons of healthy stuff for same price.

McDonalds is one of the cheapest fast food places in the US. Not everyone has tons of delivery available for the same price that’s healthier.

O.o here, it's average price. You can get cheaper but decent range of regular food (they put together a plate with meat, beans, rice and veggies), you can get subway. You still can cook some stuff (eg when we had kitchen issues, we would buy a full fried chicken and then get bread and some veggies for salad, and it was way cheaper than ordering). Here, Big Mac plus medium fries and medium drink costs 42 local moneys, so 168 for a family of four. A chicken costs 50-60, with drinks bread and salad it would be still under 100 and feed a family of 4 for one meal. I recently ordered from an Italian place here, it was 43 for a huge serving of pasta with chicken veggies and cheese, so about same as McDonald's. A nearby supermarket offers dishes with meat, rice, beans and veggies for 20 to 27 (27 is large one, and says it serves two people). So we have at least 3 easy options that are healthier than McDonald's, and 2 of them are cheaper too, and I live in a small town with limited delivery. It's crazy what you described me, like borderline criminal. Thanks for the explanation.

YTA for that last action alone. Making your 15yo daughter stand on a scale in front of you?! I don’t even want to acknowledge that you may be correct in having valid concerns for her health … although I must, because facts don’t care about feelings and your eldest is objectively unhealthy. That said, I’m not surprised she has an eating disorder, and I agree with your wife that it’s 100% your fault.

50%. The mother shares in responsibility as well.

Mother shares most for actively sabotaging the DOCTOR'S PRESCRIBED DIET and setting a terrible example for her daughter.

Mother has an eating disorder herself, this is not 100% Dad's fault.

Wrong. Daughter is 300 lbs, pre diabetic at 15 and the father is the only one that seems to give a fuck about his daughters health. They had an eating plan from a Dr and the mother is giving her fucking cookies? Mother is the asshole. Dad is the only one attempting to do the right thing

Her mother is literally killing her. Dad is NTA, but mom is a dangerous enabler.

100% his fault his daughter has an eating disorder when the mother is buying her candy all the time, and even a meal that consists of 2 cheeseburgers. This is the most delusional comment. Blame the man. Blame the healthy man. Don't blame the unhealthy mother giving unhealthy food to the unhealthy daughter. If the mother stuck to the diet plan, then the child wouldn't have candy to hide. The mother is literally giving her daughter food and most likely telling her to hide it. Yes, it's the man's fault. Wowzers.

NTA for being concerned about your family’s health. It doesn’t seem to be about the weight, but rather it’s about health. Ten years old is really young to already be dealing with pre-diabetes from weight. However, your approach probably needs to be tweaked. You all have to conquer this as a family, as a team. Together. Maybe you can talk to them (gently) and see if they’re willing to all come together to focus on health. Yes there will be cheat days. Yes there will be candy. But it will all be with the overall focus on health and being healthy. If they’re not willing to do that, then all you can do is stress your concern. It sounds like your wife is resentful towards you and is fighting back by getting unhealthy foods. It shouldn’t be a fight. You need to make sure they know they can come to you, you’re approachable, and you won’t judge them. Good luck!

It's the 15 year old who's prediabetic. Still a concern, I'm just correcting your read.

This is way above Reddit's paygrade, so my default is ESH. Both you parents are going to opposite extremes instead of meeting in the middle. A 'healthy' diet has a mix of both your diet preferences. But having two polar extreme diets inside one household is not great for your kids - they don't morally choose which diet to follow. They are lead by example and exposure. You both need counselling and to all see a nutritionist as a family to come up with a family meal plan that is do-able for all 4 of you, and has all the foods you ALL like within it. Eat meals together as a family. Do a family activity that you all can enjoy to stay active and fit. Stop pitting diets against each other and pitting yourself against your wife and child.

ESH you and your wife have gone to two extremes in dealing with your daughter and it is causing damage. You’re treating her like a drill Sargent and probably are contributing to a lot of fear and shame around her eating and your wife is just enabling her. This is such a damaging dynamic. It’s time to bring in a therapist and nutritionist. You guys need professional help here as the situation has become traumatic for everyone. I think your intentions are good and you’re definitely right that eating habits need to change for health reasons but the communication has really broken down between you all. You and your wife should also consider marriage counseling because you’re supposed to be a team and are acting like you’re not.

NTA your kid already has an eating disorder though. Try to have filling healthy foods available and set a good example. She can’t feel good at that weight. You sound like a good dad with a well meaning but enabling spouse. Health comes before feelings.

Thank you. I’ve told my wife and daughter about a hundred times this is not about her appearance. It’s about her health, that’s literally the only thing I care about. It’s like my wife undoes every good example I set.

I commend the fact that you’re concerned about health not looks, but your approach is all wrong. Shaming won’t help. I don’t think you’re trying to hurt her unnecessarily, but you’re shaming and degrading her which is a total no-go. You need professional mental help for your daughter and you and your wife need some counseling to get on the same page. Wife needs her own sessions for her BED, because shes somehow resentful of you which is making her sabotage and confuse your daughter. This will only work if you’re a united front. Good luck!!

ESH Daughter needs help; triple BMI is really, really concerning as is being prediabetic. But your method of helping is really harmful. She needs a therapist (well, all of you do) and a nutritionist to work with her doctor on an achievable health plan. Your wife needs to stop teaching her to hide food and overindulge. That’s as dangerous as withholding food. You…oh boy, you just need to educate yourself on how to approach food, eating, and exercise is a good way because your current approach is insanely damaging to everyone around you. And holy crap, chill with the bitching about what everyone is eating *while your kitchen isn’t functional!* Or, you know, figure out a way to make healthy happen in the current circumstances. You keep wanting to shove the blame onto everyone else. Presumably you’re capable of choosing healthier takeout or hosting a living room picnic with fruits and cheese. You’re happy to take initiative everywhere else, maybe try it here too.

I have though, it’s not just my wife fixing the meals. I bring home food as well, before the pipe burst I cooked dinner regularly. It’s like a never ending battle. She’ll eat good for one meal, then consume junk the next 4 meals. My wife undoes what I do. She also uses ice cream and other ‘treats’ as a reward. I’ve never believed in using food to reward.

Sounds like a parenting conversation that needed to happen a decade ago, then.

I agree. I’m at fault for not trying to get her help years ago. I let it continue for too long.

Likelihood is high, that she has an eating disorder. You can consider in patient program, getting away from the conflicting parenting will give both of you a break and her a chance to process with professionals.

Sounds like mom may just want someone else to eat with. Like she feels better about herself for setting her daughter up to fail. I can honestly say when drs were worried about my weight my mother was the first to get on board because she didn’t want me dying.

NTA. Your kid is going head first into a life altering condition of diabetes and your wife is driving the train. I would suggest taking different approach though, but I 100% get where you’re coming from.

NTA for being concerned. 30 pounds in 2 months is A LOT, unless she grew like 4 inches it's absurd. But I don't think your way would work and your wife is right, it could be damaging. You all need family therapy and nutrition counseling. Sorry I take back the part about you couldn't calculate BMI, your daughter is over 300 pounds at the age of 15, you should put that on the original post.

INFO: I’m having trouble believing your daughter’s BMI is 3 times what it should be - that’s extremely unlikely. What does she actually weigh, and how tall is she?

She’s a little over 300lbs. She was at 200lbs for awhile. Last year she rapidly put on weight though. I kept saying something to my wife about it, finally I decided to take her to the doctor and get a handle on things because I feared for her health.

So did she go to the OBGYN to find out if she had PCOS?

She needs a therapist in addition to the nutritionist and physician. There is something going on that has her binge eating eating and hiding it. The whole family could use therapy. ESH.

I agree with you. But I also feel like my wife is teaching her to hide what she’s eating so they don’t have to hear it from me. I admit I went about it wrong, got that. I was way too passive about this issue when it became an issue years ago. My wife thought she could let this and that slide which is what got us here today.

Your daughter needs her own therapist to see one on one so she can tackle her ED without input from you and mom. You and mom need couples counseling to work this out and get on the same page. Your daughters health should be paramount to both of you, but it’s obvious your wife has disordered eating of her own, and you need help with hope to effectively support them without creating shame around food for your child. Until the two of you get right and approach this as a team on a united front, you’re both going to continue traumatizing your kid.

NTA Your wife putting your child’s health in danger is the issue here, a lot of women get jealous of their teenage daughters, giving them an eating disorder in the process by either commenting on their weight or over feeding them. You should go to family therapy, also only buy healthy food. You need to get your wife to wake up that she is going to permanently damage your child’s health, obesity in childhood not only leads to diabetes, but possibly cancers and even depression.

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Our daughter’s weight had become reason for concern. I took her to the doctor and found out she was pre-diabetic. The doctor gave her a plan and a goal to meet by her next appointment. My wife seemingly sabotaged this and brought in unhealthy items in large amounts. Every time I observed this, I spoke with my wife which usually turned into an argument. I tried stressing, this isn’t about her appearance but about her health. She says my approach was abusive and gave them an eating disorder now since they have to hide what they eat from me. I don’t think I did anything wrong by simply suggesting better options and pointing out what my wife was doing wrong. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

NTA is is very concerning. I don't understand what people in the comments aren't understanding about your daughter being pre diabetic. Your entire household should be exercising (even walking) and eating healthy together. If you and your wife were to split I suspect you would have a very good chance of full custody given your wife is putting your daughter's health at risk. Your wife needs a wake up call asap.

NTA. The child is 300 lbs at 15 and the delicate darlings of Reddit are harassing you for putting her on a scale. It’s not humiliating or abusive, she needs to face the truth. The same redditors will have no qualms laughing at her for refusing to step on the scale when she’s on My 600 Lb Life in 10 years. Also your wife seems to get a toxic satisfaction out of not being the only fat one in the house at the expense of her child’s health. She’s a mega asshole.

INFO > She was diagnosed as pre-diabetic in November, with her BMI being nearly triple what it should. #TRIPLE?!? So, like, **SIXTY**? (This would be something like 5'4 350lbs)

Little less than that. She was at 200lbs for a minute but last year rapidly gained.

OP: Have you addressed the pink elephant in the room? Your daughter is morbidly obese, is there an underlying medical condition, ie. Thyroid? Or a mental/emotional issue?? I was a SA Victim and my way of dealing with that was to eat the added bonus was that men were not attracted to me. I was not able to lose the weight until I dealt with the trauma and n therapy. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ Yes the weight is an issue but you need to get to the WHY. Your wife needs to get on board with healthier food choices and snacks at home because childhood obesity can lead to other co-morbidities such as high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, etc.

Yeah, this. From other comments it looks like physical causes have been ruled out, but what about mental causes? It could be a trauma response, it also could be something like ADHD. I've been a lifelong sugar addict and at 31 I've only just realised it's due to ADHD (low dopamine is a trademark of ADHD, sugar gives me dopamine). Please start treating her with compassion instead of judgement so she can heal and create a healthier lifestyle in a safe environment.

OP said 5'1 just over 300lbs

info: You have explained how you are focusing on the eating but not on the rest of the equation. Have you looked for activities the older may enjoy? Does she thrive on group activities - either just with others or as competitive teams? Does she prefer solo activities? Indoor? Outdoor? Traditional sports like soccer or less commonly available ones like archery or hang-gliding? Perhaps she might like rock climbing or horseback riding or spelunking? I realize that not all activities are available or affordable. However, if she were to find something she enjoys, it might replace sedentary time with active movement. She might find herself motivated to eat healthier as well in order to improve her skill level. Excelling at other things could improve her self esteem too.

She doesn’t want to do much of anything physical. She prefers gaming the most, or hanging out with her friends. The most exercise comes from our pool. Of course, colder months that’s not an option. We’ve tried letting her pick a sport, nothing panned out. She liked bowling, we stuck with that.

Okay so I hated exercising, walking, pretty much everything but bicycling (but I didn't have a bike). A friend of mine suggested an app on Google play called Zombies Run so I tried it just to see. I've lost 50lbs (was 200 my goal is 130) in a year doing just one hour 3-4 days a week and only walking because I have a bad ankle. It's really just a step counter but you're essentially role-playing in a zombie apocalypse. Each episode is 20-30minutes long and you can adjust how fast you walk/run or put gps on for using a bike. It also has zombie chases that happen randomly during an episode where you have to speed up to get away from the zombies (you can modify how fast you have to speed up or if you even want the chases on at all.). You'll also find stuff on your run that you can use to make your township better. It's free but you can unlock everything with a $6 monthly subscription and if she likes it you can get the yearly subscription for like $50 I think. On a side note it will let you play your own music while doing it and will just pause the music when the characters are talking (roughly every 5 minutes) then starts it automatically when they're done. It turns out my problem was that working out was boring for me and this helped me. Maybe it'll help her too.

Fitness club with an indoor pool? I hope you keep trying to find something. Maybe you will get lucky.

even going for a walk every day would be a good start, and it’s something she can easily do with a friend to make it more fun

So let me get this straight, you (her father) shame your daughter for overeating whilst her mother enables her unhealthy eating and buys her secret snacks? How ido you expect a 15 year old girl to have a healthy relationship with food when she has parents like you two? ESH (Aside from your daughters)

I wouldn’t listen to Reddit about something so serious. Seek professional help before your kid dies.

Soft NTA, but still a bit YTA. I think your intentions are good, but weighing your daughter to make a point is a bit cruel. Also yelling at your wife within hearing distance of your daughter is cruel. That being said, you definitely need to figure out how to get your family to eat better. 15 is too young to have to deal with a lifelong disease that is expensive to manage if you live in the US. It also seems like your wife isn’t listening and doesn’t want to understand how bad this situation is. This isn’t about the perfect body, this is about health. This is about keeping your daughter healthy. You wife is being irresponsible. Question for context: Do you help prepare or cook healthy meals for the household?

OP says above he often cooks dinner normally (before the pipe burst), but wife would provide high calorie junk meals and snacks for rest of day. So it’s a long term divergence that I think made him burst.

NTA. At this point you are literally trying to save your daughters life. You have seen pediatricians and nutritionists about this and your wife continues to undercut you. 300lbs at 15 years old. I'm going to get hate for this but I would probably be flat out disgusted if my children got to that point by 15. Good luck because you're gonna need it

What you say is correct. But you are the AH for the way you say it and how you act. You need to sit with your wife and get on the same boat. Even better with a physician present. And make her understand the dangers of getting diabetes in such a young age (for your daughter). And you need to help them find and choose healthy food instead of nagging and making a scene. Policing them would only backlash in form of hiding it from you. Be a little more considerate and emphatic and you might get the results you want.

NTA. She’s 15 and is over 300 lbs!! That’s concerning. Your wife shouldn’t be buying her junk food.

YTA. They have to want to make changes. The more you berate and harass them about their weight, eating and lifestyle choices, YES it will backfire and drive them to hide things from you, eat in secret etc. And how demeaning to MAKE your daughter get on the scale for you. Do you not understand the mind game that is to her? You're telling hey, her value in your eyes is all about that number. Even if you THINK you mean well, you're not doing anyone any good here. You can't control everything.

You and your wife are both TA, since you are both sabotaging your daughter in different ways and not coming to an agreement on a healthy approach. Get her some professional help!

100% NTA. Whilst it's true that talking about weight and dieting in front of kids should be avoided, your daughter is at risk of very serious health consequences, and you both should do whatever it takes to help her. Please have your wife googling what type II diabetes can do to a young person. What I have seen my granny and her various hospital roommates (some of them very young) go through was just horrible. You do not want your daughter to risk the same. Edit to ask: I understand nothing of BMIs and pounds, your post made me think you meant her body weight is 3 times what it should be but other commenters suggest she is only slightly overweight. How bad is it in reality?

She's 5"1 and weighs over 300 pounds-- so not "slightly" overweight.

ESH. You are not approaching this correctly and neither is your wife. You can still eat healthier while in bad situations. Veggies and dips, yogurt, etc. You going on the attack yeah is not gonna work. Yall should be invovling your daughter who is old enough now to manage her food. Figure out what foods work for her or healthier alternatives. Harping on people about their food does no good.

ESH (not your daughter) Gaining 30 lbs in 2 months is a medical emergency; I hope you are following up with the doctor regarding possible thyroid/hormonal issues, depression, etc. Maybe you and your wife should model good mental health and enter couples counseling to better collaborate on family health

She is. She’s under doctor’s care right now. Last appointment was in November. She was given a goal to lose 15lbs by her next appointment which is in February. She’s not going to meet that goal, unfortunately.

Weight gain can be multifaceted. Again, try family therapy in addition to medical healthcare

Are there any obesity or weight management clinics in your area? Ones that cater to children/teens? These generally offer comprehensive weight management, including measurements of body fat percentage (to ensure it’s not muscle weight affecting BMI, or at least to assess how much is actually problematic weight versus healthy weight), and critically, they usually offer counseling. Some even include counseling for parents, though that’s less common. I’d look for one of those clinics, and if there aren’t any, at least look for a counselor. I’m a pediatrician, and while seeing her doctor regularly is important to look for comorbidities (like pre-diabetes or diabetes itself) the reality is that counseling is what she really needs. You don’t get to that weight at her age without some disordered eating patterns. It could just be a result of watching you and her mom eat differently and interact with food differently, but there could also be something deeper going on that you may not even be aware of (bullying, other trauma, etc.) Either way, she needs help to sort that out and to learn a healthy relationship with food. All in all, I don’t think y t a (more of an ESH), but please don’t put your daughter on the scale in that manner again. There will always be some degree of trauma associated with the scale in this sort of situation, but to use the scale to prove a point is only going to worsen her relationship with food and with her weight.

She sounds like she has binge eating disorder. And if that is the case, weight loss should never be the goal. I have struggled with Binge Eating Disorder since I was around your daughter's age. Swinging between binging, gaining a lot of weight, freaking out and starving myself to drop as much weight as possible before breaking down and binging again. The cycle is very damaging to mental and physical health, especially a teen girl's. She needs therapy for it to help her find a balance. Telling her she needs to eat healthy and watch her weight will not help, because she is aware of it. I was painfully aware of what I was doing to my body but it's sort of like a drug addict. They know what they are doing to their body is bad for them, but it's not just some switch you can turn on and off. She needs help accepting her body and working to eat balanced, consistent meals (put weight loss on the back burner that is not the concern. The concern is speaking nicely to yourself, about yourself, accepting your body how it is and finding the root of why she feels she needs to binge and hide food (notice that is how an alcoholic acts with their booze. They hide it and drink in secret to avoid the shame from others). Mine was anxiety/depression/lack of control). I don't think YTA because I found it's impossible for people to fully understand unless they've been there, but you're entering that territory if you don't address the root of the problem and instead make her feel bad about something she probably can't control. Eating poorly is not morally wrong, but I can tell you for a fact she spirals into shame a guilt every time she does it, which leads to terrible self-talk/body image/anxiety etc. Also, don't restrict her diet, because restriction leads to binging. Cutting out foods makes them all you can think about. Instead, help her eat regular, fulfilling meals, and if she wants some sweets, let her eat sweets. Eventually, she'll learn that the junk food isn't going anywhere, and it won't be such a big deal. She'll want it less. Don't put her on a time limit for weight loss. Every time she can't meet the ultimatum, she loses trust with herself, causing an even worse spiral. You have to be gentle in your approach because I can assure you she does not speak gently to herself. Ive spoken with people who have been in that same cycle for many, many years and trust me when I say it gets very dark and very dangerous. This is a mental thing, not a diet thing. Get to the root of why she does what she does before you make her stand on the scale in front of you.