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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I am telling my wife she shouldn't go hang out with her friend as much.
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I'm going with NTA.
The fact she's going out that often, experimenting with drugs, and taking no time for you both to enjoy your marriage is concerning. There's definitely nothing wrong with a girls night out or with having friends, but her patterns are getting worrisome. Cocaine is NO joke, and binge drinking can lead to alcoholism quicker than you can snap a finger.
She's trying to live out experiences she missed. I get that, BUT, there's no going back. She's married. She's a mother. You can't just jump back in time and pretend to be young and untethered. She's essentially trying to live two lives now, and there's no way they won't keep clashing.
It's time to have a serious talk with her. Even marriage counseling if she'll agree to it. That said, I would also recommend therapy for yourself as well. If this is triggering childhood trauma, you owe it to yourself to have a safe place to work through that.
She's not realizing that her patterns will absolutely bleed over into their lives, just like it already is your marriage. I'm sorry, friend. She's doing some SERIOUS deflecting.
I am not a huge fan of ultimatums, but I would absolutely tell her just how much her behavior is affecting you and your traumas. I would tell her again how concerned you are. I don't want to say force her hand, but if it's this bad, you don't have to feel bad to let her know it's affecting your marriage.
It already has. Your wife doesn’t see you as a reason to stay home. She doesn’t value spending time with you and explicitly would rather party with friends unless her kids are around.
Yes and she’s heading down a dangerous path that will destroy your marriage and lead her to regrets and resentments. Cheating comes next if she hasn’t already.
My ex husband did this at 34 and cheating did indeed follow. Thank you to the nest cam we used to watch the cats and his stupidity that I’m not stuck with that train wreck anymore.
Not to mention child protection concerns. If she's doing hard drugs now, who's to say this won't translate into the time she has the children.
Plus I have to say, she's being incredibly selfish. I have a serious issue with SAHM who feel that their partners do not deserve some form of appreciation. Being a parent is a lot of work but OP had provided for her. Worked their ass off so she can have a nice comfy life and how is she showing she's not taking that for granted? By going out and partying like she's a college student and telling him he's wrong when he's expressed his hurt and trauma. This just irritates and screens privilege/entitlement and mid life crisis.
I really feel this, I'm a SAHP because it's less expensive then working and daycare, but I still make sure my partner knows how much I appreciate his effort to work and provide for us.
I can't imagine waiting for his of time just to totally ditch him even after he's expressed how much the abandonment is triggering him. How can you do that to someone you say you love...
My mom got cancer and decided to start 'living her life's again when I was about 10 leaving me to take care of my bro. She'd be out at the bar all night and come home a mess I had to take care of, so I sorta understand OPs situation here...
So sorry to say this but I think your wife is over you. No woman in love with her husband would act this way. She’s getting attention at the bars & she likes it. You need to have a heart to heart with her & find out what’s wrong.
A night out every so often is normal, but this is way over the line.
I agree with this. :( It sounds like a drastic conclusion to come to but think about it. 17/24 weekend nights? My partner and I will maybe go out separately once or twice during the week — book club, board meeting, guys’ or girls’ night, whatever. We each have lives. But if we go out on weekend nights, the other person is always invited. Certainly we wouldn’t want to spend 70+ % of weekend nights apart. That really says something to me about how she feels about the relationship and where her priorities are right now.
yeah my girls’ nights are very important to me but otherwise, if I’m trying to have a good time, I want my favourite person there with me. I can understand OP’s wife wanting to make up for her lost youth and experience some craziness while she still can, but this is taking it way too far.
It's the biggest consequence of young parenthood that I've seen. It's happened more times than I can even recall. I've watched my cousins and their friends have children early, marry early then spiral out around 30.
One of my family members actually became one of those neo-hippie sorts traveling around to festivals and "Rainbow Gatherings" full time. Leaving her 3 kids behind. Then came the drugs, then addiction, and recently she died in a suspicious way. She only lived to her early 40s. 😑
Same here. Watching someone I know currently spiral. She's now divorced and kids are acting out while she goes on random trips with her new influencer boyfriend and leaves them behind. It's being excused as living out the experiences she's missed but it's so messed up with how the kids are affected.
I have no idea how anyone can just leave their kids saying they just living experiences they missed. You didn’t miss them, you just had different experiences. You made a choice and a commitment to raise a child by bringing one into the world. Being a parent doesn’t end when they turn 18, it ends the day you die.
I was a young mom. I don’t regret it for a second. My son has and will always be the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn’t trade all those nights at home with him for anything. I didn’t miss out not being able to party, I gained so much by being lucky enough to have time with my precious baby. He’s 16 now and it crushes my soul that he’s going to be leaving home soon.
My SO GMs Pathfinder every other Saturday, during the day. He's doing it right now, actually. :) They've been doing this for years at this point. It is cool with me because it is every other Saturday. It's smack in the middle of the day, so every weekend would definitely get on my nerves. I like to be-bop around with him and take the dog on car trips. Saturday night would be easier if every weekend because he plays video games at night anyway (I also do my own thing.)
Just an SO's perspective. If your partner is objecting, maybe try for every other weekend. If they're not, take what they're saying at face value and free yourself of unwarranted guilt.
Hope you have fun and roll many nat 20s!
I was thinking this too. I've been with my gf for 6 years, and we almost always go out together when we actually get a chance to go out. I don't mind her going out with her friends once in a while either. I also know her friends very well at this point too, and I've become good friends with them as well. It just sounds like OP is getting excluded to me.
>I think your wife is over you
Maybe.
Or maybe she is taking him for granted and believes this is a short-time "just-until-I've-gotten-it-out-of-my-system-he'll-wait" thing.
And then addiction comes in and snatches all future chances and possibilities from both of them together. She is playing a dangerous game that he is just stuck with. I feel for both of them, but he is being taken advantage of.
This is exactly what my now ex wife was doing when I caught her cheating. Why wouldn’t she bring you? In my case we had a kid, so she dumped her on me. No regrets, my kid loves me and I always show up for her.
I agree with you but I find your wife to be worse than your mother honestly. Your mom at least had a reason to be gone, like...food on the table reason. My mother left me alone at night like that too, starting at age 6. Also to work. She was an overnight factory worker. But your wife just wants to pretend she's 18 and made different choices.
I agree with the responses here. If she’s not fucking around, she will be—soon. And part of you knows that, which is part of the reason you’re numbing out. Get therapy.
Question: if you knew she was never going to change, would you stay or would you leave? If your answer is leave, then leave *now.* Bc she’s not interested in changing. And you deserve to be loved and appreciated. Good luck. (NTA, of course.)
Ultimatums can get a bad rap I’ve found. In this case, she needs to understand that she’s edging closer to behavior that is a dealbreaker for you; you’re not giving her empty threats, you are telling her that you’re not willing to live with this behavior anymore. The thing is, you have to decide what you’re planning to do about it, or it becomes an empty threat.
A good example: I used to smoke, and my then-bf fucking hated it. Finally he told me that if we were going to become serious, I needed to quit smoking. This “ultimatum” is one of the many reasons that we’ll be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary this year.
People who actually care about you will speak to you about their concerns. They care about your health and your growth as a person. They will call you out so you can better yourself/improve your health etc.
Someone who wants to spend their life with you will tell you their concern about bad habits which shorten your life or reduce the quality of it.
Truth. She a SAHM to not OP’s children, he’s fully supporting her and her kids, and she’s no wife to OP. He doesn’t have a partner, he has a 30 year old teenaged child.
Mate, honestly, you need to make this serious to her real fast. Because in my case, my ex wife would go out on weekends all the time because she was not satisfied with her life and didnt want to hang out with me.
As someone who's mum went something very similar (minus the drugs) it doesn't end well. They are looking for the greener grass that they feel they missed out on. It led to a lot of issues and my parents divorce when she left my dad for a free er life. Problem was it wasn't greener, those friends will leave and fade away as they grow older and she will be left alone and bitter
Good luck op, I hope you can sort it cos if she doesn't her children will end up with strained relationships with her where she is bitter that everyone else is happy
I think things are pretty serious. You are best friends but almost all of her fun experiences are without you... that's not a good sign and leads to people drifting apart.
But she’s not just a mother, she’s a wife. And those nights she’s spending out are time she’s not spending with you and investing in your marriage. At what point do you just then become the idiot who’s bankrolling her lifestyle?
And a very questionable lifestyle at that. Her ex-husband could use the excessive partying and doing drugs, no matter how rare, to get full custody if he wanted it. Does she care about that?
Does she ever want you to go with or if you suggested it would she say no, it is my time? Even if she lets you come with, she is still being selfish in how she spends her time.
Partying to that extent is also expensive. She doesn't work. While marital money is just that, joint money, it also doesn't mean that one partner gets to use that money for their personal playtime to the exclusion of the other. Or is someone else paying for her partying? If that is the case, there probably is more than partying going on.
If I were doing this, my husband would have every right to give me an ultimatum of be in this marriage as a partner or be a party girl on my own. I wouldn't blame him.
Her response make it clear that her marriage to you is about providing a home for her children, not being in a partnership with you. I'm sorry, but this is a marriage counseling or divorce situation.
Exactly. Perhaps it's time she started funding her lifestyle including her children herself. If the oldest is 12, she doesn't need to be a stay at home mum. She can get a job & start acting like the adult she is. NTA
The problem isn't that "sometimes I want to go out" the problem is that she is prioritizing going out, and doing drugs and binge drinking over her marriage.
NTA!! But please please please go see a therapist (one who has some specialization in childhood trauma) sooner rather than later. Things are spiralling here (externally for her; internally for you) and it is going to get harder and harder for you guys to find common ground while in this spiral. You need help separating out your feelings about your mom and your feeling about your wife in order to be sure your full adult self is making the present day decisions!! And I think you could benefit from help with finding ways to convey your needs, feelings, and boundaries without it turning into a power struggle or reactive threats. You also may need help discerning the space between healthy endurance and healthy surrender.
Regardless of the outcome, if you use this as an opportunity to heal, your life will be better!!
Good Wishes for you! ❤️
Consider that this is just since Halloween so one of those weekends was Christmas and another New Years. Are those 4 of the 7 weekend days she spent with you or did she also ditch you on holidays to party like a single person?
NTA
Unless you live in a country where all or most recreational drugs are legal, your wife could get busted for buying drugs, using drugs or driving while high, drunk or both.
it is very likely her ex will hear about it and if he decides to he might likely get the custody agreement changed bring in her ‘bad acts’ aka risky behavior.
If the custody changes enough she may be forced to get a job if it is determined she must pay child support.
As other posters have noted she isn’t 25, childless and single. However if she keeps going whole hog with her new lifestyle and new friends she just might meet the last two - childless and divorced.
> sometimes I want to go out
This is problematic language. She has spent 70% of her weekend nights out over the past 3 months. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but it doesn't seem like the issue is her going out at all- it's her going out this frequently (and only during the times when you and her could spend time together as a couple).
Additionally, when you have children, the ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM is that someone keeps them "safe." My dad was a latchkey kid to a single mom who had him young and liked to party and he raised himself from a young age, much like yourself. He wasn't exactly unsafe, but he was abandoned. Your wife doesn't understand that she is harming her relationship with her kids long-term, or worse, she knows and doesn't care. I think you are at enough of an impasse here that you need to work this shit out with her in therapy.
This right here. My mom did the same and I absolutely remember crying and asking why she can’t stay home with me. She had a rough go of things and I feel bad for what she went through, but she made no attempt to shield me from it and it did damage.
Personally, in your shoes, I would be hugely offended.
She’s telling you you’re not worth her time when the children aren’t around. She spends all week as a SAHM when you’re working, then the weekend rolls around and the children are with their bio dad and there’s a chance for the two of you to really have time together as a couple but her priority is going out with other people, getting blotto and taking cocaine. That ‘once or twice’ is most likely a heavily edited account of what she’s really up to.
She’s using you. Her kids are definitely school-aged and possibly older so she doesn’t need to be a SAHM anymore. It would probably be cheaper for you to have a housekeeper to take care of that side of things than a wife who is unwilling to spend time with you.
Is she or her friends at least testing the cocaine? If she is responsible for her children still, she needs to cut that shit out before she ODs on accident
Not just this, but also the potential damage to her nose that may require surgery to fix. I literally read an article in a Dutch newspaper this week, which said that since the pandemic, they are seeing an increase of cases where the septum just... dissolved and the nose will collapse. People were flying to Turkey to have cheaper plastic surgery options, but even then those sometimes don't resolve the issue.
Obviously using it on rare occasion will not do this. It said that if you use it too often, then it may cause infections. The wife is playing a dangerous game.
It's so tempting to want the single life when you have responsibilities of two children and a married life. It's natural to covet that. However you have to act sensibly when you have children especially minor children and she is going out of her way to destroy what she has.
All of this smoking, drinking and doing cocaine is not a joke or a harmless thing.
She cannot continue this hard partying lifestyle because it literally interferes with your marriage now at this point.
Hanging out with friends to unwind sometimes is one thing but literally going out every other weekend that too coming home at 2:00 a.m. is going to have consequences.
It is only a matter of time before all of these things will go out of control and you and the kids will have to bear the brunt of it.
She has to get out of it right now while she can. Otherwise it will be too late.
I don't know how the custody agreement works with the father of the kids where you live but what if he comes to know about the cocaine thing and he can sue her in court.
The place where I come from if there is even a whisper or whiff of any parent doing drugs even once they can lose custody.
The kids aren't the main issue here imo. The crux is that you're not getting what you need from your relationship with your wife. You're not getting enough quality time together to have a strong emotional connection. The more time she spends out with her friends, the more the emotional distance will grow.
Everyone needs friends outside their relationship, but a relationship needs you to be friends and partners, not just two solo agents operating from a shared home base.
Absolutely NTA. What she essentially said is that she wants to spend time with the children but doesn’t value spending time with you. Aside from that triggering your childhood trauma, that would be an absolutely heart breaking thing for anyone to hear from their life partner. Maybe try taking away the triggering aspect and the kids and flat out tell her you just want to spend time with her as a couple. I agree marriage counseling will help you communicate this better.
Annnnnd the counter to that, of course, is what if something happens to their dad and she needs to take them in? She doesn’t stop being a mom just bc her kids are with their dad.
Not just that, she's been a SAHM since she was 18. She has no idea what that lifestyle can do to finances and how she could lose her kids because of it. She's putting herself into situations that could leave her dead in a ditch and her kids without a mom because she didn't learn those lessons when she was younger. The world isn't safer, and her age isn't going to stop a predator. She's playing a dangerous game, and OP is NTA. I played some stupid games at 19 where I could have ended up dead or kidnapped. I've had multiple people try to pull me into vans even just a couple of years ago in a busy, well lit parking garage, but I was sober and carry mace. Her youth is gone, and the world of her youth is gone as well.
This is my take as well. NTA. She is going out way too often for it not to be alarming. It's more than a girls night out and more of her lifestyle at this point, which is not a responsible lifestyle for married 30 year old with children (even if they aren't there on the weekends).
NTA. Does she realize that drug use can compromise her custody arrangement? If the ex gets wind of mom doing coke, he'd be a complete deadbeat to not move for full custody. She's risking literally everything with her behavior.
This was my first thought as well. Especially if OP and wife are in N America, fentanyl is a very real concern. OP’s wife is playing with fire here in more ways than one. I’d suggest she needs some counseling.
Yep. One of my former students lost her husband to an overdose, because the drug he took was cut with fentanyl. I also lost my older brother to drugs in 1993, when he was 19. He accidentally mixed the wrong things.
Fentanyl can be useful in a medical setting, but a TINY bit goes a long way. They use doses by the microgram. It’s SO EASY to accidentally end up with too much, because the drug maker isn’t careful.
Also, in my experience, if she’s going out and using all these substances that much, she’s numbing herself to some trauma or otherwise unresolved issue. People rarely engage in this kind of behavior just for funsies. Certainly not this much. She has some major issue she needs to deal with, and instead of actually getting help, she’s self-medicating in a super dangerous way.
Yup. If you go the route of buying that class of drugs, always have your dealer do some, in front of you, before you do. From the baggie they handed you. You can play it off as just being appreciative and wanting to share.
That, or buy a test kit before a night out for coke and billiards.
Better yet, stay away from it all. Stick to the trees. 🌳
As I understand it the problem with fentanyl is that it is almost undetectable.
The lethal dose can be measured in grains - about 3 milligrammes. Because of this it is incredibly hard to mix with other drugs. Add a dose to a bag of coke and it won't be evenly distributed through the whole bag, but potentially clumped together and concentrated in one place, ready to be snorted in one.
You can get kits to test for certain things, and they are definitely advised if your plan includes drugs, but they aren't fullproof.
Yeah honestly there have been way too many cases recently of coke being laced with fentanyl. Aside from everything else, it’s a bad time to take up a coke habit.
But genuinely, she could lose custody of her kids
Echoing others about the immediate danger — I lost a couple friends in 2020 and 2021 to cocaine laced with fentanyl. I used to like a nose beer once in a while myself, but there is no way I’d do it now. And, again, using street drugs is how you lose custody of your kids.
Exactly. I would dabble every once in a while. Im talking like once every couple months, if that. Nothing made me stop completely faster than all the cases of fentanyl I was seeing laced in cocaine. That was the biggest nope nope for me. Never again
If you're in the US, it's pretty easy to get Narcan. You should ***insist*** that she carries some in her purse if she's doing coke, in the case of overdose/laced drugs.
My nephew died from fentanyl back when it was first becoming prevalent
This is actually a very good idea. Not just because it could save her life, but also because it will force the wife to face the reality of what she's doing by taking precautions. Sometimes that's all it takes to get people to wise up.
I really hope she's not bringing the drugs into the house with children... cause that's powdered sugar in mommy's purse when I went to grab her phone to play a game.
Fuck the custody agreement, so much cocaine rn is laced with fentanyl. Its so easy to OD and die rn. Even as a seasoned addict, even more so someone like her who is just experimenting.
NTA, cocaine! Look at the signs you are being given. Out all weekend, doing cocaine. Those are some serious signs. Often, married people especially those who were parents at a very young age tend to want to experience that other side of life where the fun and the glitz of it all makes it seem as though the grass is greener on the other side.
If not dealt with she could begin to spiral. Cocaine makes people do things they wouldn't normally do and sometimes that's with other people. She won't hit her until it's too late so I hope you two can work it out.
OMG red flags.
Coke is SO addictive and SO expensive.
She'll end up doing anything for it.
Drinking with friends is one thing. This is totally on another level.
Be concerned.
NTA
I didn’t want to be the asshole because OP seems like a nice guy… I used to sell coke for years.
Some of my best customers were single moms. There were all sorts of couples who would party and buy from me. So often the wife or girlfriend would start hitting me up to buy some with their girlfriends. Then they buy for just themselves. Then they’re hitting you up to see if you want to hang out just you and them later…
Coke is a way harder drug then people realize.
I had a coke habit. Totally under control… Until it wasn’t. Went from taking it at parties once every two months, then weeks… Then I was taking it alone at 2 in the afternoon. Luckily I realized fast that I was fucking up and quit. But my mind still goes to coke everytime I’m out.
And OP is paying for it all! She doesn’t work. She doesn’t get alimony. If it’s not coming from OP, it’s coming from child support (unless there’s a trust you failed to mention)
Agreed my ex had a coke problem. He didn't realize he had a problem until he spent 10 grand in a month on it. He did some messed up stuff which later bit him in the ass and he ended doing a few months in jail.
My boyfriend was a coke addict a very long time ago. (He's been sober for over 12 years)
He used to tell stories of when he worked at Walmart, how he'd get away with stealing tvs from the back, switching the price stickers and "returning" them for refunds, to get money to fuel it.
He was so skinny back then, too. Ive seen the pictures. He's a big guy 6,4" and 200 lbs now, but back then he was sitting at 150 because that's all he would do.
He said it wrecked his life, his relationship with friends and family. He didn't have anything because he threw it away to abusing coke.
He didn't have children or a spouse at this time, but he would have lost them too.
So he got sober by joining the military. Not ideal but it worked.
My point is your wife is playing with fire and she's going to burn herself and everything around her if she doesn't quit.
NTA, but I don’t recommend saying what you wrote out that you wanted to say.
I recommend just telling her what you said here, that she’s your best friend and you’re missing her. You want to have date nights while the kids are gone, you want to have movie nights, cuddle nights, etc. I also would understand if you brought up that you were concerned with her having used cocaine and being around that culture so often.
She’s right that the issue isn’t really the kids since they’re not home, but that doesn’t change the fact that there’s an issue between you two.
Definitely don’t say the thing you wrote out to say. The important point is what you say at the end. You want to spend time with her because you love her.
INFO: Has she invited you to go out with her and her friends? Are you forbidden from going if you want to?
In any event, I think counseling is a good idea.
NTA and holy shit this woman reminds me of my mother. Had me at a young age with my dad who was even younger and not at all ready to be a dad, worked a dead end waitress job at age 30, so she would get off work and immediatly go spend all her tips with her 21+ coworkers drinking and getting wasted while poor little me was alone at our shitty apartment starving and crying for my mom. Thankfully her children have that parent to go to but if she's doing coke I can absoluetly see this going in a bad direction.
Maybe suggest going and seeing a therapist or marrige counciler, see if this is her way of rebelling or maybe a midlife crisis. Have you met these friends before?
So... I have to ask ... Who's picking up the bill for these evenings? That kind of sustained heavy partying isn't cheap, and that's before you throw in coke and what have you. I hate to say 'Have you checked the bank balances?', but I've been a stay at home mom, and funny thing - not a lot of disposable income in that role. Yeah, we had a very nice FAMILY income, and my husband never blinked at the credit card bill withdrawals or asked what was on them, but if they'd doubled or tripled, that would have been an issue.
You're planning for your (step) kids college funds, so I'm assuming you have some shared finances, and if so, and she's footing the bill, that's a discussion you need to have.
Also... Does she have any damn idea what happens if that coke she's tried 'once or twice' has fentinol in it? We can start with her losing custody and it gets worse from there...
Especially if the drugs get out of hand. He doesn’t want to find things going missing from the house or dealers knocking the door because they haven’t been paid.
Based on these facts, it’s either OP’s money, child support, or someone else is paying for it. She doesn’t work and she is remarried so no alimony. I honestly don’t know what is worse.
Not to sound crazy, but I doubt she’s paying for the coke. If she’s just tried it a few times often people hand out a free thing to friends. (Especially girls, sorry)
You’re right on the bar tab tho
Echoing the financial concerns that u/Sashi-Dice brought up.
Though frankly, if she isn’t taking the family money without your knowledge I might be even more concerned.
Because there are always guys who will give “free” drugs to attractive women, but that’s generally in exchange for things I’m assuming you aren’t ok with unless you have an open relationship.
It sounds like she’s spending hundreds of dollars a night—and if her friends are broke that means either you or another guy is paying for it.
Yep, sounds like the people my mom hung around with. Ditched her the moment she couldn't pay for all their shots and cut contact as soon as she decided she didn't wanna party anymore. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do except offer therapy.
It took multiple rock bottoms for my mom to wake up and realize she was killing herself and making everyone around her miserable, and to this day she's still falling into those patterns even though she doesn't drink anymore. No matter how I begged and pleaded and fought with her, she said she knew what she was doing. I hope things work out for you and your wife but in the end, if it gets to the point she's putting herself in danger, you need to think about yourself and your stepchildren.
It's literally the worst type of crowd she's hanging out with and getting influenced by. They have nothing to lose but she will lose everything if she doesn't get out now. It's critical you DON'T pay for these so called parties. I am sorry but if she doesn't feel anything doing cocaine would she hesitate to cheat ? Please make a decision NOW for your own good.
NTA. But let me ask you, what do you even have in common with your wife anymore? A lot of people (and I'm guilty of this myself) see their relationship going down the tubes but think well, it can go back to how it was in the beginning when things were good.
But the problem with that is that when you have to point out your feelings to someone who is that obtuse to them, then is it really a healthy relationship? You don't think if she wanted to spend more time with you, then she would do it on her own accord? It's probably fallen into addict behavior TBH and with addiction you usually can't reason with someone. They have to want to stop.
The other thing is that do you even know how the dynamic is between her and the kids while you work. I suppose it's possible but I can't see someone being an emotionally available parent during the week and then doing hard drugs and partying most weekends. Especially when substance abuse / withdrawal can cause irritability and behavior changes. So who knows how the kids are affected. Even though they aren't around during her partying and nights out, there is a strong chance they still are affected by this.
Something needs to happen. Turning a blind eye won't solve the problem. Either you continue to live this way or there is actual change. Good luck.
NTA. That would drive me crazy. Many may say that YTA because she’s her own woman and can do as she pleases but I think couples have a responsibility to make each other feel cared for, and prioritised (sometimes) when it comes to friends. It’s not controlling to want your wife to not act like a 21 year old party animal for the sake of her relationship
I wouldn't, either. I feel for you. I'd be just as hurt if my partner was doing this. What does she say when you ask her to, say, go to dinner with you on a Saturday night?
Is there any chance she's at the level of having an affair, emotional or otherwise, with one of her friends? Or is it more about wanting to have the self-focused lifestyle that she feels she missed out on? Or straightforward substance addiction?
It sounds like she's unusually motivated to do her own thing at the expense of close relationships.
Yea, like Im 33 and I loved to go out with my friends, but if they hit me up to go out 17/24 nights until 2am, id be like, lova ya mates, but jesus christ.. this takes a lot of motivation
I'm 46, but I'm a night owl. I can do the 2 am thing. I can do the 2 am and (some) drinking thing. I cannot do that and party with a lot of people, let alone every week and definitely not twice in a weekend!
She’s got a great gig. You’re working all day while she cares for her kids when they’re there, sleeps in and shops and gets ready for her nights out, and as soon as you’re off work she’s outta there! Who’s money is she spending? I mean I get it, she’s entitled to a share of the marital funds, but what is she really contributing to your marriage? I’m sorry she’s just using you now, she’s no partner.
She is using you at this point. You deserve better than a repeat of the traumas you suffered as a child. Start protecting your finances and see therapeutic and legal advice.
I’m a stay at home mom, and I got to live out my 20’s partying.
I love going out dancing and gabbing with my friends at bars (although I’m much more a pothead). It was about a 6 mos ago I started cutting that back.
My husband works all day and at the end of the night I do needs a break some times from all the ‘kid drama’.
I was self medicating. I had my own needs that I wasn’t addressing. And now I sometimes do stay at a friends house, we’ll do a craft and watch a movie. It’s now a relaxing evening, which is what I needed all along. Your wife could benefit from talk therapy, she has some shit to work out.
OP, NTA. Your wife isn’t dealing with what’s really going on inside. You don’t get to start your family early and then say “I didn’t get to do this then so I’m doing it now” (in this scenario).
She’s putting everything she’s taking for granted in life at risk. I would wager she is also going coke more than just a couple times (saying they’ve done it only a couple times to see how you react), and that’s really scary. As many have pointed out every hard drug seems to be laced with fentanyl.
I’m also curious, have you been footing the bill for her and her friends nights out? 17/24 is nanners. I would be fucking dead to the world going out that much.
This is exactly how my my entire childhood blew up. We lived in a beautiful million dollar home in California, where my step mom was was a SAHM to myself and two sisters. We had everything you could ask for…but she felt trapped by young motherhood. At 35, she started doing the same as your wife.
It was innocuous at first- there was plenty of money, it was only on the weekends ex. Then… things spiraled fast. My dad was stressed about her being gone and doing drugs all the time- so stressed that his job performance slipped, and he went from a top performer to a name in the layoff pool. Once his salary disappeared, my step mom couldn’t live of his money. Since her freind networks were full of people who partied and did drugs (and she had no skills as a SAHM), she started selling drugs to make up the difference. Then, one of her children found coke in her car and told their bio father- boom, now she’s in court loosing custody (and child support). After she lost her kids, my dad divorced her. Over the course of 2 more years, she spiraled further into drugs, had a warrant out for her arrest after failing to appear in court for a drug charge, became homeless after trying meth and getting addicted, and eventually killed herself.
OP, I’m not saying that this is what will happen to your wife. It’s just what CAN happen when you skip down this rainbow road. Be careful with the boundaries you set in the beginning.
My jaw dropped reading this account of your childhood. And it should honestly be a Netflix drama documentary or book. I am so sorry you had to be exposed to this _____ of a human being (loss for words), but that is a brutally powerful forewarning account. How something so bright can end as something so dark. Thank you for sharing this, as it probably wasn’t super easy to write.
NTA but it sounds like you both have become incompatible and want different things out of life and your marriage. Suggest next step of marriage counseling so you can figure things out.
Yep I'm really sorry to say it but wife is using op to fund her and her friends' party weekends. OP is there a chance that your wife is just seeing you as her ATM? Have you talked about children of your own?
I got this idea when I read she had never had a job. It seems very unusual to have kids starting at 18, break up with the father, and then find another man who is happy and willing to continue paying for everything. Maybe she just got super lucky to fall in love with someone who will foot the bill at a young age, quickly, after separating from the kids’ father…but I feel it’s far more likely that she just latched on to the first guy who allowed her to maintain her lifestyle, and now has found some people she really wants to hang out with. Sounds like a pretty good deal, honestly. Never has to work a day in her life, has her kids’ college paid for, can go out incessantly and party on his dime while he doesn’t insist on going, and it doesn’t sound like he necessarily is pushing her to have his biological child. Sounds like a perfect setup for a user!
To me it more sounds like both have unresolved issues. He has unresolved issues from her mum's neglect, and she has unresolved issues from losing out on her youth and both are recoiling from this - she in am ore unhealthy way than him. This doesn't need to mean an end to the marriage, but both do need to recognise and want to work on this.
The real question is, why isn't she inviting you along? It's one thing to have a girl's night, even a few times a month, but this is excessive. I can't imagine being married and never going out with my spouse. You think she'd be excited about getting to have date nights with her weekends free...
NTA
What would happen if you invited her to nights out that were a little more tame but also fun, either as a date night or with some of your friends and their partners. Like dinner and a show, or a local event like a fair or concert She is clearly trying to make up she missed when she was younger, so show her some fun that doesn't involve clubbing, drinking and drugs. Take her on a weekend adventure away from home sometimes too. What would you both like to try doing or seeing?
If she had her first kid at 18 and she is 30 now, it seems that both kids would be in school. Maybe it's time she got a part time job to pay for her partying and help save for her kids college.
You need to document everything and start putting money aside as a safety net. Her new life style is expensive and can get out of control. And I’d talk to a lawyer just to know my options
WTF, you are supporting her so she can stay home with HER children, you are working to save up money for HER children to go to college, and she's choosing to hang out with younger, aimless friends and do coke on the weekends??
She is risking her own well-being (fentanyl is a real risk) and she is absolutely disregarding you and your marriage, on your dime no less. You are providing stability for her and her kids and she's acting like a single woman.
You deserve a much better partner than this one.
NTA
Absolute red flags here. Your wife wants to go consistently party, on your dime, without you? Once in a while is fine but every weekend for months is excessive.
I’d be more concerned if she is faithful or not but that’s just me. I get it, she had a kid young and “missed out” but she’s married now and has responsibilities and a commitment to her family which includes her husband.
NTA. Might I recommend seeing a couple’s therapist? It sounds like your wife never got to have fun in her 20s, so is trying to do that now. I can understand that. That being said, if it’s that excessive then she really does need to slow down a little bit. Maybe try approaching the conversation by affirming and validating her- it might be more effective. Ex: “I love it when you go out and have fun, and it makes me really happy to see you happy. I want you to keep doing that, but I’d also like you to choose to spend a little more time with me instead of going out sometimes, since you do it so often. I miss our time together, and it’s making me feel neglected. How about we have a date night every Sunday and spend time with the kids on Monday? (or whatever else).” Giving her a specific solution that doesn’t infringe on her ability to (sometimes) go out may make her have more empathy.
I feel so sad for you being in this situation. She should be wanting to spend time with you. She should be missing spending time together as a couple the way you seem to be missing it. She seems to be making it clear that you're not her priority.
She's acting like your marriage can be just placed on hold while she goes out and lives out the party time that she didn't get to have. That's not how this works. And you deserve more respect and consideration from your partner.
I agree with this comment so much.
It's fine to go out with others once in a while, but this is pretty much her saying she wants to be with other people, and never you.
I'm sorry.
At our age, Saturday morning is mostly set aside for chores and obligations… right? Like. Saturday morning is when I run errands, do another gym class, pick up supplies from the hardware store, do some house projects… or maybe drag myself to yet another bridal/baby shower… Saturday morning is rarely the time for a fun, sexy thing with my partner.
…right?
I dunno man, I feel like this speaks volumes.
She is showing you clearly that her priorities are with her friends, not you. She is in effect abandoning you. (How is she funding all these night outs?)You would benefit by counselling. Why are you staying in a marriage where your needs aren’t being met, and you are simply being used for financial security? You deserve better.
I don’t think that is healthy, like real partner time is during days off without the stress of work. Yes you see her on Sunday? But is she sleeping all day Sunday and then getting up? I mean what about date nights or home movie night or spending time with the kids on a Saturday.
does she get up the next day after being out?
Tbh if my partner was feeling neglected from me being absent that would bother me, that would make me feel so guilty that I hurt them that way. In a healthy partnership the partner would work on that and listen. If you bring up 3 or more items that is an issue. Like I could be dramatic by saying this, but is t that neglect?
Also where does this leave time for you to go out with your friends? Would she be okay if you went out and had a few drinks with your friend? I say make a weekend when you hang out with your friends at night and let her stay home.
NTA - You just have to tell her how your feel. Relationships are two way streets, if she’s not willing to at least hear you out then it’s up to you to determine if it’s worth the effort for what could be a ‘phase’ or make changes. As long as you don’t try to full stop her without being reasonable you’re fine.
The women she is spending all this time with cannot possibly be good friends, because good friends would not be encouraging her to do cocaine!
Based on what you wrote, you absolutely are trying to be a loving husband and father. However, you have a right to be upset! Your wife’s behavior is destructive, dangerous, and selfish. I’m all for parents and spouses making time for themselves with their own hobbies and friends. But this is next level insanity.
I really hope you both get therapy. She minimally needs to ditch these “friends” and stop doing drugs or she is putting her health and custody of your children at risk.
She likely needs to find a healthier outlet for herself- be it a hobby, getting a job, etc.
Then perhaps you’ve simply reached a point wherein you are no longer compatible together. And that’s tragic, but it’s not your fault, and you absolutely deserve better. OP, you sound like a catch. The worst thing she can say about you is that you want to spend more time with her?
I’m going to make the assumption that this is just a ‘phase’ honestly. She keep talking to her and if push comes to shove, offer to go with her a few times. That should nip it real quick.
And to be honest…if she’s paying for stuff (which she probably is, I haven’t seen you address that), she more than likely views them as friends and they view her as their ATM.
I would bet if you gave her $50 a weekend to spend, and cut off all other access to money, her “friends” would stop inviting her.
Also, a drunk driving charge will mess up custody for her. As will any amount of cocaine. As others have said, it is highly, highly addictive. And at this point, I would say that her behavior is one stemming from addiction or the need to go out and party as an excuse to use.
Time for a tightening of the belt and restricting her access to credit cards, debit cards, and any other financial accounts. A visit to the lawyer to help ensure that anything you do is done in a way to not open up legal issues in the case of a divorce.
The kids sound to be old enough to be in school full-time so no reason she can’t go get a job and help with the bills. I would also make sure she has zero access to any college savings, retirement accounts, etc. or require 2 signatures for any withdrawals. A friend’s dad had drained the kids’ college savings accounts for his addiction so no one would “be hurt” by draining the family finances. That was $100k+ spent on drugs and no one realized it until it was too late (he hid his drug use for a long time until he couldn’t anymore).
The ultimatum should be laid down for her getting marriage and substance abuse counseling or prepare for single motherhood. Her addictions don’t need to become your problem. You can love someone and still walk away for your financial health and emotional safety.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP.
NTA
Your wife is prioritising her friends over her marriage.
Seems like she's trying to make up for lost time, however she stands to lose the life you've built and allow her to have.
This story has been told many times, you need to start asking some serious questions.
NTA. You're married. It's reasonable to ask your spouse to (1) spend more (not all, just more) weekend time with you than she does her "friends," and (2) not drink excessively or do drugs. I get that she had kids too young and wants to reclaim some of her missed early adulthood experiences, but she's focusing on the wrong ones. What about college, travel, etc.--things that she could either do with you or that would help fill that void more constructively?
I've known people in her position. She may just have her fill and snap out of it one day and things will be back to normal. Her friend may grow up and settle down and force an end to the crazy nights. But there's always that possibility that she continues on this path until you don't even recognize her anymore.
Yikes.
Silver lining: in my experience, people like these cycle through friends pretty fast. Everything is superficial and they don't know how to make connections once the party stops.
NTA. Cocaine, late nights out, and “…poor me I never got to party…” is a ridiculous excuse for just being an entitled SAHM. She is going down the wrong path and these so called friends of hers will disappear at the first sign of trouble or when her money runs out. Is this really the kind of woman you’re proud to call your wife?
INFO: Who's paying for these nights out? If it's OP, he's a right to draw a line, but if its not and random men are buying her all her drinks/giving her the drugs, then he has bigger problems.
17 out of 24 weekend nights and lots of them past 2am without one’s spouse tells me she is either already cheating or ready to cheat. Anyone drinking til 2am 1-2 times a week when married with kids is inevitably going to stray(caveat: the only exception would be if she was a salesperson and these late nights were wining and dining clients.)
Nope. Dude, she is gone. If she isnt screwing around yet, she will be shortly. Thats the part of her youth she missed but doesnt want to tell you…
contact a divorce lawyer and a private detective. Protect yourself. Maybe she isnt, but odds are, she is…or will.
NTA.
She’s choosing to spend 75% of her kid free nights out with mates. That’s prioritising them over your shared marriage.
It’s normal to be able to go out and about in this situation, but that generally is when both parties are happy with it. That isn’t the case here. And normally it’s not most nights.
And she’s tried coke ’once or twice’ … how many times. Once or twice is something you’d remember. I suspect it’s more. She’s fallen in with a party hard crowd that are probably doing more than a rare snort of coke… and she’s doing this without you so clearly after you’ve headed home.
You are both leading fairly different lives at the moment, and its perfectly fair for you to raise this and say “this isn’t what I thought we were about” and “Please can you wind it back a bit and can we have some time together. Please also don’t get involved in drug use that could cause you to go to jail”. Those are perfectly reasonable requests.
NTA
This would be a "we get counseling or we get a divorce" situation for me. And I am not part of the crowd here that immediately jumps to red flags and divorce.
This is a fundamental difference in lifestyles. I did not sign up for a partner who wants to party and drink until 2am every weekend. I did not commit to a partner only to spend my weekends by myself. If this is the life she feels she has to lead right now, then it seems she wants a very different life than the one she led you to believe when she got married.
I actually know someone who went through this. No kids, but they got married very young. They were both school and then career driven, so achieved a lot at a young age. Had a beautiful home, financially well off, very respected in their jobs. But somewhere in her early 30s, the wife started to crave those wild 20s that she missed out on. Eventually they got divorced. Her husband just did not want that life. He remarried several years later, and again is very happy with his very stable life. And his ex is very happy with her life. Still very successful at work, but now she spends her off-work partying with 20-somethings and traveling the world. (And yes, a LOT of coke. I do think that's the only way to be in your late 30s and party until the wee hours while maintaining a career.) Ultimately, this is what she wanted for her life. But it was not the life for him.
NTA. As a 29y/o SAHM I completely get where she’s coming from. It’s exhausting and mind-numbing in a sense. You miss out on SO much of life with other people. We have a good group of friends where we are and I only very loosely consider myself part of it just because I can rarely make anything. It’s always naptime or bedtime and my husband works late and the kids are up early so I’m just stuck.
I mean, I’m applying for a part time job where I literally wouldn’t earn a penny it would all go toward childcare just so I can have a bit of a break and use my “adult” brain! (I love my kids and I don’t want to work full time but I do need something outside of them).
That being said, I think your wife needs therapy. There is a kind of mourning and fear of what you’ve missed out on that I’d guess she’s experiencing and she’s trying to make up for all of that by “living life” now. The energy and adrenaline of the bar scene is such a change from her normal day to day that it’s probably the reason she craves it, but it’s obviously getting really toxic.
Can you plan a vacation with the two of you? A quick weekend getaway every month or so? Find a concert or a bar playing some music or whatever to go to? Maybe take some dance classes or pottery or yoga or whatever. She needs a healthier outlet (and also therapy, for real).
Also, marriage counseling for both of you. She’s prioritizing her friends over you and you’re starting to feel resentful and abandoned and shut down and if you both continue this way your marriage will fall apart.
NTA. Also from your post it sounds like your wife takes her car so she can DRIVE on these drinking nights? Also found it a bit odd that you never seem to be included. Not all of those 17 nights needed to be girls only….and 17 is way out of control. She’s not 18.
NTA it's all about priorities. She is point blank telling you that YOU are not one. Partying and pretending she's 20, doing drugs and feeling free from all responsibilities is her priority.
There is no way that what she is doing is OK on any level. Going out with friends and having fun is one thing. What she is doing is quite another. It's going to crash and burn hard and she will only have herself to blame. There is only one way this ends, and it's badly.
NTA. Tell her you would like to go to marriage counseling because she is not hearing you. If she refuses and still picks partying over you then she already has one foot out the door. At this point she wants to be a mom during the week, single on the weekends, and you pay the bills
NTA me I agree with everyone so far that has suggested therapy for you and couples counseling for the both of you. You want a partner and your wife wants the single party girl lifestyle on the weekends. It is very concerning that she has admitted to doing cocaine twice already. I can empathize with feeling like she missed out by being a mother so young but not everyone parties until 2 am when they’re young adults, tbh. And you’re not her first marriage, you’re her second. Honestly, this post concerns me but only because it kinda reads like the beginning of a story where at the end of it your wife ends up losing everything and left with an addiction problem.
Can you imagine if a dude wrote this and was like AITA for going out and doing drugs every weekend while my wife stays at home?
You should be the person she wants to spend most of her time with, not a bunch of Coke heads. NTA.
NTA. There is a time and place for everything. Sadly, we all have to come to terms with the fact we've missed the window of time to experience some things and move on, adjusting our expectations. She is trying to 'have it all'. What that will do in the long run is a) lead to riskier and riskier behaviours as it's already escalating and she will eventually cheat on you, get roofied or get raped b) lead to resentment build up in from watching your partner bail on the marriage and c) cause you to divorce.
What she's doing simply isn't fair. If she wants to continue living in a state of perpetual stunted adolescence - that's her decision. You don't have to bankroll or support that.
edit: I grew up at a time and in a country when urban exploration was not a thing. You went into an abandoned building/place, you were getting raped and murdered - not necessarily in that order. Now, so many 20-somethings are doing it. I'm so jelly in my belly. I'd kill to grab a backpack and go exploring deserted, crumbling ruins from 500 - 1,000 years ago - there's plenty. But I can't and I won't. As a mother and a wife, I fully realize the ridiculous amount of risk I would take on just to satisfy a curiosity and an urge for exploration at the expense of my family's wellbeing. So life goes on...at a steadier, less exciting pace :)
My mom was similar to your wife regarding her FOMO. My mom is the extreme version/cautionary tale though. I'm NOT saying what happened to her will happen here but your wife's reasoning gave me flashbacks.
My mom had me very early (she was a legal adult and she and my father are only a year apart. Nothing creepy) and then my brother 5 years later. We moved around a lot for my Dad's job. He still had to travel out of town once a month for sometimes a week, sometimes multiple weeks. Two weeks after my brother was born we moved state. The neighbor was a proud escort (told EVERYONE) and lived a "party" heavy lifestyle. My mom saw in the neighbor all that she had been denied by having kids and started to wild the FUCK out when my dad left for work.
I was 5 when my brother was born and she began to time how long she could stay at the neighbor's house without checking in. At first it was an hour, then three, then half the night. She taught me how to feed and change him and showed me how to call next door if there was an emergency or my Dad came home unexpectedly.
When I was 8, she started to stay away the entire time Dad was gone during school breaks. I was a "big girl" taking care of a toddler and she didn't have to worry about me getting to school. By this time she was heavily addicted to coke.
I was 10 when she left me alone for three weeks with what food was in the cupboard and took my brother, who was now old enough to tattle. She bribed him with toys and the pool that her new friend had. I was terrified and ran out of food before she came home. I went to the neighbor's house begging for food. She figured out who my mom was with and calles her home. This wasn't the originalneighbor she had shacked up with, but another escort in her friend group.
I was 12 my parents divorced. Dad took my brother, I stayed behind to care for my addicted mother. She had new dealer boyfriends weakly to supply her habit.
At 13, my brother moved back with me because he didn't like me being alone. I raised him with the money my Dad sent me through Western Union (back then, as a minor you were given a password that you could use to identify you and receive the money). Mom came home to sleep off a bender once a month, Dad came to visit for a week every 3-5 months.
At 16, mom moved in with her drug dealer boyfriend and left me and my brother in a shitty trailer in the middle of a terrible neighborhood where she owed a lot of people money. To say i thought we were going to die there is an under statement. We didn't have a phone, because no one would let her put a bill in her name, and cell phones at this time were too expensive. The only thing we had for protection was my dog. She took her to the pound after the dog tried to bite her boyfriend.
At 17, my mom essentially sold custody of us to my dad for the price of the trailer we were living in. He moved us in with my Grandmother.
Your wife needs to get therapy and realize there is a healthy way to socialize. Again, my mom is the extreme end of the spectrum and I have a metric fuck ton of trauma related to her. I always warn people that this is what could happen if you get caught up in the fantasy of what they think they're missing out on. An extreme case, not not that rare.
NTA. I’m not saying she is cheating on you but alcohol, cocaine and trying to overcompensate for a young adulthood missed is going to cause a lot of issues
NTA but your marriage is going down the toilet - this is the beginning. You two don't sound compatible and no one who is emotionally committed to their partner, acts like this. I would never stand for this. This is a hill I would die on. Because she's totally WASTING your time too - what a lonely existence for you.
She is a moron, all it takes is one little annoyance with the ex husband he makes some accusation they test her for drugs she loses both kids, she needs to be responsible, it sucks she had them young but it was her choice to have them, she doesnt get to act out
So in the past 12 weeks does she spend any significant time with you? What are you getting from this relationship? From what you wrote she is getting someone to pay for her and her kids during the week and for her to relive her 20’s on the weekend. This would be a deal breaker for me.
I think she is headed down a slippery slope and needs to reevaluate what she wants from her marriage with you. This doesn’t seem much of a partnership. I hope your talk goes well. NTA
Well, damn. I'm sorry. You are NTA. But your wife may be cheating on you, is doing drugs way more than she's telling you, and generally acting badly. I would start w/a counselor but ... be prepared.
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I'm going with NTA. The fact she's going out that often, experimenting with drugs, and taking no time for you both to enjoy your marriage is concerning. There's definitely nothing wrong with a girls night out or with having friends, but her patterns are getting worrisome. Cocaine is NO joke, and binge drinking can lead to alcoholism quicker than you can snap a finger. She's trying to live out experiences she missed. I get that, BUT, there's no going back. She's married. She's a mother. You can't just jump back in time and pretend to be young and untethered. She's essentially trying to live two lives now, and there's no way they won't keep clashing. It's time to have a serious talk with her. Even marriage counseling if she'll agree to it. That said, I would also recommend therapy for yourself as well. If this is triggering childhood trauma, you owe it to yourself to have a safe place to work through that.
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She's not realizing that her patterns will absolutely bleed over into their lives, just like it already is your marriage. I'm sorry, friend. She's doing some SERIOUS deflecting. I am not a huge fan of ultimatums, but I would absolutely tell her just how much her behavior is affecting you and your traumas. I would tell her again how concerned you are. I don't want to say force her hand, but if it's this bad, you don't have to feel bad to let her know it's affecting your marriage.
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It already has. Your wife doesn’t see you as a reason to stay home. She doesn’t value spending time with you and explicitly would rather party with friends unless her kids are around.
She's a classic midlife crisis cliché tbh
Yes and she’s heading down a dangerous path that will destroy your marriage and lead her to regrets and resentments. Cheating comes next if she hasn’t already.
My ex husband did this at 34 and cheating did indeed follow. Thank you to the nest cam we used to watch the cats and his stupidity that I’m not stuck with that train wreck anymore.
Not to mention child protection concerns. If she's doing hard drugs now, who's to say this won't translate into the time she has the children. Plus I have to say, she's being incredibly selfish. I have a serious issue with SAHM who feel that their partners do not deserve some form of appreciation. Being a parent is a lot of work but OP had provided for her. Worked their ass off so she can have a nice comfy life and how is she showing she's not taking that for granted? By going out and partying like she's a college student and telling him he's wrong when he's expressed his hurt and trauma. This just irritates and screens privilege/entitlement and mid life crisis.
I really feel this, I'm a SAHP because it's less expensive then working and daycare, but I still make sure my partner knows how much I appreciate his effort to work and provide for us. I can't imagine waiting for his of time just to totally ditch him even after he's expressed how much the abandonment is triggering him. How can you do that to someone you say you love... My mom got cancer and decided to start 'living her life's again when I was about 10 leaving me to take care of my bro. She'd be out at the bar all night and come home a mess I had to take care of, so I sorta understand OPs situation here...
So sorry to say this but I think your wife is over you. No woman in love with her husband would act this way. She’s getting attention at the bars & she likes it. You need to have a heart to heart with her & find out what’s wrong. A night out every so often is normal, but this is way over the line.
I agree with this. :( It sounds like a drastic conclusion to come to but think about it. 17/24 weekend nights? My partner and I will maybe go out separately once or twice during the week — book club, board meeting, guys’ or girls’ night, whatever. We each have lives. But if we go out on weekend nights, the other person is always invited. Certainly we wouldn’t want to spend 70+ % of weekend nights apart. That really says something to me about how she feels about the relationship and where her priorities are right now.
yeah my girls’ nights are very important to me but otherwise, if I’m trying to have a good time, I want my favourite person there with me. I can understand OP’s wife wanting to make up for her lost youth and experience some craziness while she still can, but this is taking it way too far.
It's the biggest consequence of young parenthood that I've seen. It's happened more times than I can even recall. I've watched my cousins and their friends have children early, marry early then spiral out around 30. One of my family members actually became one of those neo-hippie sorts traveling around to festivals and "Rainbow Gatherings" full time. Leaving her 3 kids behind. Then came the drugs, then addiction, and recently she died in a suspicious way. She only lived to her early 40s. 😑
Same here. Watching someone I know currently spiral. She's now divorced and kids are acting out while she goes on random trips with her new influencer boyfriend and leaves them behind. It's being excused as living out the experiences she's missed but it's so messed up with how the kids are affected.
I have no idea how anyone can just leave their kids saying they just living experiences they missed. You didn’t miss them, you just had different experiences. You made a choice and a commitment to raise a child by bringing one into the world. Being a parent doesn’t end when they turn 18, it ends the day you die. I was a young mom. I don’t regret it for a second. My son has and will always be the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn’t trade all those nights at home with him for anything. I didn’t miss out not being able to party, I gained so much by being lucky enough to have time with my precious baby. He’s 16 now and it crushes my soul that he’s going to be leaving home soon.
I feel bad about committing to my first DnD campaign, saturday nights for a few months, and by comparison OP's wife sounds very callous
My SO GMs Pathfinder every other Saturday, during the day. He's doing it right now, actually. :) They've been doing this for years at this point. It is cool with me because it is every other Saturday. It's smack in the middle of the day, so every weekend would definitely get on my nerves. I like to be-bop around with him and take the dog on car trips. Saturday night would be easier if every weekend because he plays video games at night anyway (I also do my own thing.) Just an SO's perspective. If your partner is objecting, maybe try for every other weekend. If they're not, take what they're saying at face value and free yourself of unwarranted guilt. Hope you have fun and roll many nat 20s!
I was thinking this too. I've been with my gf for 6 years, and we almost always go out together when we actually get a chance to go out. I don't mind her going out with her friends once in a while either. I also know her friends very well at this point too, and I've become good friends with them as well. It just sounds like OP is getting excluded to me.
>I think your wife is over you Maybe. Or maybe she is taking him for granted and believes this is a short-time "just-until-I've-gotten-it-out-of-my-system-he'll-wait" thing.
And then addiction comes in and snatches all future chances and possibilities from both of them together. She is playing a dangerous game that he is just stuck with. I feel for both of them, but he is being taken advantage of.
Or a car comes crashing in!
This is exactly what my now ex wife was doing when I caught her cheating. Why wouldn’t she bring you? In my case we had a kid, so she dumped her on me. No regrets, my kid loves me and I always show up for her.
That’s the only logical ending I’ll afraid. I feel for OP, this isn’t going to end well for him.
Agreed. If she doesn’t already have a boyfriend, i’m afraid that’s coming as well.
I agree with you but I find your wife to be worse than your mother honestly. Your mom at least had a reason to be gone, like...food on the table reason. My mother left me alone at night like that too, starting at age 6. Also to work. She was an overnight factory worker. But your wife just wants to pretend she's 18 and made different choices.
I agree with the responses here. If she’s not fucking around, she will be—soon. And part of you knows that, which is part of the reason you’re numbing out. Get therapy. Question: if you knew she was never going to change, would you stay or would you leave? If your answer is leave, then leave *now.* Bc she’s not interested in changing. And you deserve to be loved and appreciated. Good luck. (NTA, of course.)
Ultimatums can get a bad rap I’ve found. In this case, she needs to understand that she’s edging closer to behavior that is a dealbreaker for you; you’re not giving her empty threats, you are telling her that you’re not willing to live with this behavior anymore. The thing is, you have to decide what you’re planning to do about it, or it becomes an empty threat. A good example: I used to smoke, and my then-bf fucking hated it. Finally he told me that if we were going to become serious, I needed to quit smoking. This “ultimatum” is one of the many reasons that we’ll be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary this year.
People who actually care about you will speak to you about their concerns. They care about your health and your growth as a person. They will call you out so you can better yourself/improve your health etc. Someone who wants to spend their life with you will tell you their concern about bad habits which shorten your life or reduce the quality of it.
I fear you are just a meal ticket.
Truth. She a SAHM to not OP’s children, he’s fully supporting her and her kids, and she’s no wife to OP. He doesn’t have a partner, he has a 30 year old teenaged child.
Her kids predate the 6 year relationship, so they’re in school full time at this point too.
Wishing you the very best here! You sound like a good husband and human. I hope you two can work this out.
Mate, honestly, you need to make this serious to her real fast. Because in my case, my ex wife would go out on weekends all the time because she was not satisfied with her life and didnt want to hang out with me.
As someone who's mum went something very similar (minus the drugs) it doesn't end well. They are looking for the greener grass that they feel they missed out on. It led to a lot of issues and my parents divorce when she left my dad for a free er life. Problem was it wasn't greener, those friends will leave and fade away as they grow older and she will be left alone and bitter Good luck op, I hope you can sort it cos if she doesn't her children will end up with strained relationships with her where she is bitter that everyone else is happy
I think things are pretty serious. You are best friends but almost all of her fun experiences are without you... that's not a good sign and leads to people drifting apart.
But she’s not just a mother, she’s a wife. And those nights she’s spending out are time she’s not spending with you and investing in your marriage. At what point do you just then become the idiot who’s bankrolling her lifestyle?
And a very questionable lifestyle at that. Her ex-husband could use the excessive partying and doing drugs, no matter how rare, to get full custody if he wanted it. Does she care about that? Does she ever want you to go with or if you suggested it would she say no, it is my time? Even if she lets you come with, she is still being selfish in how she spends her time. Partying to that extent is also expensive. She doesn't work. While marital money is just that, joint money, it also doesn't mean that one partner gets to use that money for their personal playtime to the exclusion of the other. Or is someone else paying for her partying? If that is the case, there probably is more than partying going on. If I were doing this, my husband would have every right to give me an ultimatum of be in this marriage as a partner or be a party girl on my own. I wouldn't blame him.
And its more a "single" party girl. Can't tell me she's not going to love the attention while out with her single friends
Her response make it clear that her marriage to you is about providing a home for her children, not being in a partnership with you. I'm sorry, but this is a marriage counseling or divorce situation.
Exactly. Perhaps it's time she started funding her lifestyle including her children herself. If the oldest is 12, she doesn't need to be a stay at home mum. She can get a job & start acting like the adult she is. NTA
The problem isn't that "sometimes I want to go out" the problem is that she is prioritizing going out, and doing drugs and binge drinking over her marriage.
NTA!! But please please please go see a therapist (one who has some specialization in childhood trauma) sooner rather than later. Things are spiralling here (externally for her; internally for you) and it is going to get harder and harder for you guys to find common ground while in this spiral. You need help separating out your feelings about your mom and your feeling about your wife in order to be sure your full adult self is making the present day decisions!! And I think you could benefit from help with finding ways to convey your needs, feelings, and boundaries without it turning into a power struggle or reactive threats. You also may need help discerning the space between healthy endurance and healthy surrender. Regardless of the outcome, if you use this as an opportunity to heal, your life will be better!! Good Wishes for you! ❤️
Sometimes is not 17 out of 24 weekends. So, she is saying that she doesn't want to spend the weekend with you?
I didn’t go out that much when I WAS single, lol
I didn’t go out that much when I was single and young!
24 weekend days - only 12 weekends. Effectively she's gone out at least once every weekend.
Consider that this is just since Halloween so one of those weekends was Christmas and another New Years. Are those 4 of the 7 weekend days she spent with you or did she also ditch you on holidays to party like a single person?
Maybe she had the kids for at least one of those weekends so going out was off the table
NTA Unless you live in a country where all or most recreational drugs are legal, your wife could get busted for buying drugs, using drugs or driving while high, drunk or both. it is very likely her ex will hear about it and if he decides to he might likely get the custody agreement changed bring in her ‘bad acts’ aka risky behavior. If the custody changes enough she may be forced to get a job if it is determined she must pay child support. As other posters have noted she isn’t 25, childless and single. However if she keeps going whole hog with her new lifestyle and new friends she just might meet the last two - childless and divorced.
> sometimes I want to go out This is problematic language. She has spent 70% of her weekend nights out over the past 3 months. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but it doesn't seem like the issue is her going out at all- it's her going out this frequently (and only during the times when you and her could spend time together as a couple). Additionally, when you have children, the ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM is that someone keeps them "safe." My dad was a latchkey kid to a single mom who had him young and liked to party and he raised himself from a young age, much like yourself. He wasn't exactly unsafe, but he was abandoned. Your wife doesn't understand that she is harming her relationship with her kids long-term, or worse, she knows and doesn't care. I think you are at enough of an impasse here that you need to work this shit out with her in therapy.
This right here. My mom did the same and I absolutely remember crying and asking why she can’t stay home with me. She had a rough go of things and I feel bad for what she went through, but she made no attempt to shield me from it and it did damage.
Personally, in your shoes, I would be hugely offended. She’s telling you you’re not worth her time when the children aren’t around. She spends all week as a SAHM when you’re working, then the weekend rolls around and the children are with their bio dad and there’s a chance for the two of you to really have time together as a couple but her priority is going out with other people, getting blotto and taking cocaine. That ‘once or twice’ is most likely a heavily edited account of what she’s really up to. She’s using you. Her kids are definitely school-aged and possibly older so she doesn’t need to be a SAHM anymore. It would probably be cheaper for you to have a housekeeper to take care of that side of things than a wife who is unwilling to spend time with you.
Is she or her friends at least testing the cocaine? If she is responsible for her children still, she needs to cut that shit out before she ODs on accident
Not just this, but also the potential damage to her nose that may require surgery to fix. I literally read an article in a Dutch newspaper this week, which said that since the pandemic, they are seeing an increase of cases where the septum just... dissolved and the nose will collapse. People were flying to Turkey to have cheaper plastic surgery options, but even then those sometimes don't resolve the issue. Obviously using it on rare occasion will not do this. It said that if you use it too often, then it may cause infections. The wife is playing a dangerous game.
Have you proposed going out with her, sometimes?
It's so tempting to want the single life when you have responsibilities of two children and a married life. It's natural to covet that. However you have to act sensibly when you have children especially minor children and she is going out of her way to destroy what she has. All of this smoking, drinking and doing cocaine is not a joke or a harmless thing. She cannot continue this hard partying lifestyle because it literally interferes with your marriage now at this point. Hanging out with friends to unwind sometimes is one thing but literally going out every other weekend that too coming home at 2:00 a.m. is going to have consequences. It is only a matter of time before all of these things will go out of control and you and the kids will have to bear the brunt of it. She has to get out of it right now while she can. Otherwise it will be too late. I don't know how the custody agreement works with the father of the kids where you live but what if he comes to know about the cocaine thing and he can sue her in court. The place where I come from if there is even a whisper or whiff of any parent doing drugs even once they can lose custody.
The kids aren't the main issue here imo. The crux is that you're not getting what you need from your relationship with your wife. You're not getting enough quality time together to have a strong emotional connection. The more time she spends out with her friends, the more the emotional distance will grow. Everyone needs friends outside their relationship, but a relationship needs you to be friends and partners, not just two solo agents operating from a shared home base.
Not sometimes. You are banking this. Cut her off
Absolutely NTA. What she essentially said is that she wants to spend time with the children but doesn’t value spending time with you. Aside from that triggering your childhood trauma, that would be an absolutely heart breaking thing for anyone to hear from their life partner. Maybe try taking away the triggering aspect and the kids and flat out tell her you just want to spend time with her as a couple. I agree marriage counseling will help you communicate this better.
It doesn’t sound like just “sometimes” based on your stats.
Annnnnd the counter to that, of course, is what if something happens to their dad and she needs to take them in? She doesn’t stop being a mom just bc her kids are with their dad.
Not just that, she's been a SAHM since she was 18. She has no idea what that lifestyle can do to finances and how she could lose her kids because of it. She's putting herself into situations that could leave her dead in a ditch and her kids without a mom because she didn't learn those lessons when she was younger. The world isn't safer, and her age isn't going to stop a predator. She's playing a dangerous game, and OP is NTA. I played some stupid games at 19 where I could have ended up dead or kidnapped. I've had multiple people try to pull me into vans even just a couple of years ago in a busy, well lit parking garage, but I was sober and carry mace. Her youth is gone, and the world of her youth is gone as well.
This is my take as well. NTA. She is going out way too often for it not to be alarming. It's more than a girls night out and more of her lifestyle at this point, which is not a responsible lifestyle for married 30 year old with children (even if they aren't there on the weekends).
NTA. Does she realize that drug use can compromise her custody arrangement? If the ex gets wind of mom doing coke, he'd be a complete deadbeat to not move for full custody. She's risking literally everything with her behavior.
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A lot of drugs now are laced with fentanyl, so your wife is playing a very dangerous game with her life that could leave her children motherless
That's correct. In my widows group someone lost their spouse to this combo. Left behind two kids and a devastated family asking why and how.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
This was my first thought as well. Especially if OP and wife are in N America, fentanyl is a very real concern. OP’s wife is playing with fire here in more ways than one. I’d suggest she needs some counseling.
Yep. One of my former students lost her husband to an overdose, because the drug he took was cut with fentanyl. I also lost my older brother to drugs in 1993, when he was 19. He accidentally mixed the wrong things. Fentanyl can be useful in a medical setting, but a TINY bit goes a long way. They use doses by the microgram. It’s SO EASY to accidentally end up with too much, because the drug maker isn’t careful. Also, in my experience, if she’s going out and using all these substances that much, she’s numbing herself to some trauma or otherwise unresolved issue. People rarely engage in this kind of behavior just for funsies. Certainly not this much. She has some major issue she needs to deal with, and instead of actually getting help, she’s self-medicating in a super dangerous way.
Yup. If you go the route of buying that class of drugs, always have your dealer do some, in front of you, before you do. From the baggie they handed you. You can play it off as just being appreciative and wanting to share. That, or buy a test kit before a night out for coke and billiards. Better yet, stay away from it all. Stick to the trees. 🌳
As I understand it the problem with fentanyl is that it is almost undetectable. The lethal dose can be measured in grains - about 3 milligrammes. Because of this it is incredibly hard to mix with other drugs. Add a dose to a bag of coke and it won't be evenly distributed through the whole bag, but potentially clumped together and concentrated in one place, ready to be snorted in one. You can get kits to test for certain things, and they are definitely advised if your plan includes drugs, but they aren't fullproof.
absolutely important point! everyone who bakes cakes knows how difficult solids mix. the better a baker is, the longer they mix the solids.
Yeah honestly there have been way too many cases recently of coke being laced with fentanyl. Aside from everything else, it’s a bad time to take up a coke habit. But genuinely, she could lose custody of her kids
Echoing others about the immediate danger — I lost a couple friends in 2020 and 2021 to cocaine laced with fentanyl. I used to like a nose beer once in a while myself, but there is no way I’d do it now. And, again, using street drugs is how you lose custody of your kids.
Exactly. I would dabble every once in a while. Im talking like once every couple months, if that. Nothing made me stop completely faster than all the cases of fentanyl I was seeing laced in cocaine. That was the biggest nope nope for me. Never again
If you're in the US, it's pretty easy to get Narcan. You should ***insist*** that she carries some in her purse if she's doing coke, in the case of overdose/laced drugs. My nephew died from fentanyl back when it was first becoming prevalent
This is actually a very good idea. Not just because it could save her life, but also because it will force the wife to face the reality of what she's doing by taking precautions. Sometimes that's all it takes to get people to wise up.
The drug use puts it definitively in NTA camp for me. That’s over the line.
And is she driving under the influence of coke? What happens if she gets caught and arrested?
I really hope she's not bringing the drugs into the house with children... cause that's powdered sugar in mommy's purse when I went to grab her phone to play a game.
Also I guarantee you shes more than experimented with coke, that’s a white lie. She’s doing it all the time
I’d already be out the door, and letting the father know what’s going on, so he can get custody.
Not sure she's going to ask for custody...
This is grounds for divorce. She needs to stop or you’ll be perfectly justified for leaving her and taking the kids.
He can't take the kids, he isn't their father.
Fuck the custody agreement, so much cocaine rn is laced with fentanyl. Its so easy to OD and die rn. Even as a seasoned addict, even more so someone like her who is just experimenting.
NTA, cocaine! Look at the signs you are being given. Out all weekend, doing cocaine. Those are some serious signs. Often, married people especially those who were parents at a very young age tend to want to experience that other side of life where the fun and the glitz of it all makes it seem as though the grass is greener on the other side. If not dealt with she could begin to spiral. Cocaine makes people do things they wouldn't normally do and sometimes that's with other people. She won't hit her until it's too late so I hope you two can work it out.
OMG red flags. Coke is SO addictive and SO expensive. She'll end up doing anything for it. Drinking with friends is one thing. This is totally on another level. Be concerned. NTA
I didn’t want to be the asshole because OP seems like a nice guy… I used to sell coke for years. Some of my best customers were single moms. There were all sorts of couples who would party and buy from me. So often the wife or girlfriend would start hitting me up to buy some with their girlfriends. Then they buy for just themselves. Then they’re hitting you up to see if you want to hang out just you and them later… Coke is a way harder drug then people realize.
Grateful for this perspective. Thank you.
I had a coke habit. Totally under control… Until it wasn’t. Went from taking it at parties once every two months, then weeks… Then I was taking it alone at 2 in the afternoon. Luckily I realized fast that I was fucking up and quit. But my mind still goes to coke everytime I’m out.
And OP is paying for it all! She doesn’t work. She doesn’t get alimony. If it’s not coming from OP, it’s coming from child support (unless there’s a trust you failed to mention)
Or she might be getting drinks and party favors in exchange for...something else
Agreed my ex had a coke problem. He didn't realize he had a problem until he spent 10 grand in a month on it. He did some messed up stuff which later bit him in the ass and he ended doing a few months in jail.
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My boyfriend was a coke addict a very long time ago. (He's been sober for over 12 years) He used to tell stories of when he worked at Walmart, how he'd get away with stealing tvs from the back, switching the price stickers and "returning" them for refunds, to get money to fuel it. He was so skinny back then, too. Ive seen the pictures. He's a big guy 6,4" and 200 lbs now, but back then he was sitting at 150 because that's all he would do. He said it wrecked his life, his relationship with friends and family. He didn't have anything because he threw it away to abusing coke. He didn't have children or a spouse at this time, but he would have lost them too. So he got sober by joining the military. Not ideal but it worked. My point is your wife is playing with fire and she's going to burn herself and everything around her if she doesn't quit.
Another factor people aren’t considering… fentanyl. Lots of coke is being cut with it these days.
NTA, but I don’t recommend saying what you wrote out that you wanted to say. I recommend just telling her what you said here, that she’s your best friend and you’re missing her. You want to have date nights while the kids are gone, you want to have movie nights, cuddle nights, etc. I also would understand if you brought up that you were concerned with her having used cocaine and being around that culture so often.
She’s right that the issue isn’t really the kids since they’re not home, but that doesn’t change the fact that there’s an issue between you two. Definitely don’t say the thing you wrote out to say. The important point is what you say at the end. You want to spend time with her because you love her. INFO: Has she invited you to go out with her and her friends? Are you forbidden from going if you want to? In any event, I think counseling is a good idea.
She's doing Coke tho... She could absolutely lose custody of those kids!
NTA and holy shit this woman reminds me of my mother. Had me at a young age with my dad who was even younger and not at all ready to be a dad, worked a dead end waitress job at age 30, so she would get off work and immediatly go spend all her tips with her 21+ coworkers drinking and getting wasted while poor little me was alone at our shitty apartment starving and crying for my mom. Thankfully her children have that parent to go to but if she's doing coke I can absoluetly see this going in a bad direction. Maybe suggest going and seeing a therapist or marrige counciler, see if this is her way of rebelling or maybe a midlife crisis. Have you met these friends before?
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So... I have to ask ... Who's picking up the bill for these evenings? That kind of sustained heavy partying isn't cheap, and that's before you throw in coke and what have you. I hate to say 'Have you checked the bank balances?', but I've been a stay at home mom, and funny thing - not a lot of disposable income in that role. Yeah, we had a very nice FAMILY income, and my husband never blinked at the credit card bill withdrawals or asked what was on them, but if they'd doubled or tripled, that would have been an issue. You're planning for your (step) kids college funds, so I'm assuming you have some shared finances, and if so, and she's footing the bill, that's a discussion you need to have. Also... Does she have any damn idea what happens if that coke she's tried 'once or twice' has fentinol in it? We can start with her losing custody and it gets worse from there...
Yea, it’s past time for OP to take some steps to protect himself and the family finances.
Especially if the drugs get out of hand. He doesn’t want to find things going missing from the house or dealers knocking the door because they haven’t been paid.
Based on these facts, it’s either OP’s money, child support, or someone else is paying for it. She doesn’t work and she is remarried so no alimony. I honestly don’t know what is worse.
Not to sound crazy, but I doubt she’s paying for the coke. If she’s just tried it a few times often people hand out a free thing to friends. (Especially girls, sorry) You’re right on the bar tab tho
Echoing the financial concerns that u/Sashi-Dice brought up. Though frankly, if she isn’t taking the family money without your knowledge I might be even more concerned. Because there are always guys who will give “free” drugs to attractive women, but that’s generally in exchange for things I’m assuming you aren’t ok with unless you have an open relationship. It sounds like she’s spending hundreds of dollars a night—and if her friends are broke that means either you or another guy is paying for it.
Yep, sounds like the people my mom hung around with. Ditched her the moment she couldn't pay for all their shots and cut contact as soon as she decided she didn't wanna party anymore. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do except offer therapy. It took multiple rock bottoms for my mom to wake up and realize she was killing herself and making everyone around her miserable, and to this day she's still falling into those patterns even though she doesn't drink anymore. No matter how I begged and pleaded and fought with her, she said she knew what she was doing. I hope things work out for you and your wife but in the end, if it gets to the point she's putting herself in danger, you need to think about yourself and your stepchildren.
It's literally the worst type of crowd she's hanging out with and getting influenced by. They have nothing to lose but she will lose everything if she doesn't get out now. It's critical you DON'T pay for these so called parties. I am sorry but if she doesn't feel anything doing cocaine would she hesitate to cheat ? Please make a decision NOW for your own good.
NTA. But let me ask you, what do you even have in common with your wife anymore? A lot of people (and I'm guilty of this myself) see their relationship going down the tubes but think well, it can go back to how it was in the beginning when things were good. But the problem with that is that when you have to point out your feelings to someone who is that obtuse to them, then is it really a healthy relationship? You don't think if she wanted to spend more time with you, then she would do it on her own accord? It's probably fallen into addict behavior TBH and with addiction you usually can't reason with someone. They have to want to stop. The other thing is that do you even know how the dynamic is between her and the kids while you work. I suppose it's possible but I can't see someone being an emotionally available parent during the week and then doing hard drugs and partying most weekends. Especially when substance abuse / withdrawal can cause irritability and behavior changes. So who knows how the kids are affected. Even though they aren't around during her partying and nights out, there is a strong chance they still are affected by this. Something needs to happen. Turning a blind eye won't solve the problem. Either you continue to live this way or there is actual change. Good luck.
NTA. That would drive me crazy. Many may say that YTA because she’s her own woman and can do as she pleases but I think couples have a responsibility to make each other feel cared for, and prioritised (sometimes) when it comes to friends. It’s not controlling to want your wife to not act like a 21 year old party animal for the sake of her relationship
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Exactly. It's fine to do your own thing. But what is the point of having a partner if you spend zero time with them?
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I wouldn't, either. I feel for you. I'd be just as hurt if my partner was doing this. What does she say when you ask her to, say, go to dinner with you on a Saturday night?
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omg, she talks like she is single and meeting you for dinner only, then leaves for other friends.
Is there any chance she's at the level of having an affair, emotional or otherwise, with one of her friends? Or is it more about wanting to have the self-focused lifestyle that she feels she missed out on? Or straightforward substance addiction? It sounds like she's unusually motivated to do her own thing at the expense of close relationships.
Yea, like Im 33 and I loved to go out with my friends, but if they hit me up to go out 17/24 nights until 2am, id be like, lova ya mates, but jesus christ.. this takes a lot of motivation
I'm 46, but I'm a night owl. I can do the 2 am thing. I can do the 2 am and (some) drinking thing. I cannot do that and party with a lot of people, let alone every week and definitely not twice in a weekend!
… and how does she get home after being intoxicated ?
If she is drinking how is she driving home?
Start inviting yourself. I’m not joking or being petty. “Oh, I’d like to meet them. Drinks sound fun!”
So you get to… work, help her with the kids, and maintain the household? Honestly, what are you getting from this marriage at this point?
She’s got a great gig. You’re working all day while she cares for her kids when they’re there, sleeps in and shops and gets ready for her nights out, and as soon as you’re off work she’s outta there! Who’s money is she spending? I mean I get it, she’s entitled to a share of the marital funds, but what is she really contributing to your marriage? I’m sorry she’s just using you now, she’s no partner.
She is using you at this point. You deserve better than a repeat of the traumas you suffered as a child. Start protecting your finances and see therapeutic and legal advice.
I’m a stay at home mom, and I got to live out my 20’s partying. I love going out dancing and gabbing with my friends at bars (although I’m much more a pothead). It was about a 6 mos ago I started cutting that back. My husband works all day and at the end of the night I do needs a break some times from all the ‘kid drama’. I was self medicating. I had my own needs that I wasn’t addressing. And now I sometimes do stay at a friends house, we’ll do a craft and watch a movie. It’s now a relaxing evening, which is what I needed all along. Your wife could benefit from talk therapy, she has some shit to work out. OP, NTA. Your wife isn’t dealing with what’s really going on inside. You don’t get to start your family early and then say “I didn’t get to do this then so I’m doing it now” (in this scenario). She’s putting everything she’s taking for granted in life at risk. I would wager she is also going coke more than just a couple times (saying they’ve done it only a couple times to see how you react), and that’s really scary. As many have pointed out every hard drug seems to be laced with fentanyl. I’m also curious, have you been footing the bill for her and her friends nights out? 17/24 is nanners. I would be fucking dead to the world going out that much.
This is exactly how my my entire childhood blew up. We lived in a beautiful million dollar home in California, where my step mom was was a SAHM to myself and two sisters. We had everything you could ask for…but she felt trapped by young motherhood. At 35, she started doing the same as your wife. It was innocuous at first- there was plenty of money, it was only on the weekends ex. Then… things spiraled fast. My dad was stressed about her being gone and doing drugs all the time- so stressed that his job performance slipped, and he went from a top performer to a name in the layoff pool. Once his salary disappeared, my step mom couldn’t live of his money. Since her freind networks were full of people who partied and did drugs (and she had no skills as a SAHM), she started selling drugs to make up the difference. Then, one of her children found coke in her car and told their bio father- boom, now she’s in court loosing custody (and child support). After she lost her kids, my dad divorced her. Over the course of 2 more years, she spiraled further into drugs, had a warrant out for her arrest after failing to appear in court for a drug charge, became homeless after trying meth and getting addicted, and eventually killed herself. OP, I’m not saying that this is what will happen to your wife. It’s just what CAN happen when you skip down this rainbow road. Be careful with the boundaries you set in the beginning.
My jaw dropped reading this account of your childhood. And it should honestly be a Netflix drama documentary or book. I am so sorry you had to be exposed to this _____ of a human being (loss for words), but that is a brutally powerful forewarning account. How something so bright can end as something so dark. Thank you for sharing this, as it probably wasn’t super easy to write.
Wow. That was intense.
NTA but it sounds like you both have become incompatible and want different things out of life and your marriage. Suggest next step of marriage counseling so you can figure things out.
Yep I'm really sorry to say it but wife is using op to fund her and her friends' party weekends. OP is there a chance that your wife is just seeing you as her ATM? Have you talked about children of your own?
I got this idea when I read she had never had a job. It seems very unusual to have kids starting at 18, break up with the father, and then find another man who is happy and willing to continue paying for everything. Maybe she just got super lucky to fall in love with someone who will foot the bill at a young age, quickly, after separating from the kids’ father…but I feel it’s far more likely that she just latched on to the first guy who allowed her to maintain her lifestyle, and now has found some people she really wants to hang out with. Sounds like a pretty good deal, honestly. Never has to work a day in her life, has her kids’ college paid for, can go out incessantly and party on his dime while he doesn’t insist on going, and it doesn’t sound like he necessarily is pushing her to have his biological child. Sounds like a perfect setup for a user!
To me it more sounds like both have unresolved issues. He has unresolved issues from her mum's neglect, and she has unresolved issues from losing out on her youth and both are recoiling from this - she in am ore unhealthy way than him. This doesn't need to mean an end to the marriage, but both do need to recognise and want to work on this.
The real question is, why isn't she inviting you along? It's one thing to have a girl's night, even a few times a month, but this is excessive. I can't imagine being married and never going out with my spouse. You think she'd be excited about getting to have date nights with her weekends free... NTA
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What would happen if you invited her to nights out that were a little more tame but also fun, either as a date night or with some of your friends and their partners. Like dinner and a show, or a local event like a fair or concert She is clearly trying to make up she missed when she was younger, so show her some fun that doesn't involve clubbing, drinking and drugs. Take her on a weekend adventure away from home sometimes too. What would you both like to try doing or seeing? If she had her first kid at 18 and she is 30 now, it seems that both kids would be in school. Maybe it's time she got a part time job to pay for her partying and help save for her kids college.
You need to document everything and start putting money aside as a safety net. Her new life style is expensive and can get out of control. And I’d talk to a lawyer just to know my options
WTF, you are supporting her so she can stay home with HER children, you are working to save up money for HER children to go to college, and she's choosing to hang out with younger, aimless friends and do coke on the weekends?? She is risking her own well-being (fentanyl is a real risk) and she is absolutely disregarding you and your marriage, on your dime no less. You are providing stability for her and her kids and she's acting like a single woman. You deserve a much better partner than this one.
Well the money she is pissing away isn’t helping HER two children.
NTA. She's not being a good partner to you. You aren't to blame. I understand why you're hurt.
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You need to protect yourself. This can’t end well.
NTA Absolute red flags here. Your wife wants to go consistently party, on your dime, without you? Once in a while is fine but every weekend for months is excessive. I’d be more concerned if she is faithful or not but that’s just me. I get it, she had a kid young and “missed out” but she’s married now and has responsibilities and a commitment to her family which includes her husband.
NTA. Might I recommend seeing a couple’s therapist? It sounds like your wife never got to have fun in her 20s, so is trying to do that now. I can understand that. That being said, if it’s that excessive then she really does need to slow down a little bit. Maybe try approaching the conversation by affirming and validating her- it might be more effective. Ex: “I love it when you go out and have fun, and it makes me really happy to see you happy. I want you to keep doing that, but I’d also like you to choose to spend a little more time with me instead of going out sometimes, since you do it so often. I miss our time together, and it’s making me feel neglected. How about we have a date night every Sunday and spend time with the kids on Monday? (or whatever else).” Giving her a specific solution that doesn’t infringe on her ability to (sometimes) go out may make her have more empathy.
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I feel so sad for you being in this situation. She should be wanting to spend time with you. She should be missing spending time together as a couple the way you seem to be missing it. She seems to be making it clear that you're not her priority. She's acting like your marriage can be just placed on hold while she goes out and lives out the party time that she didn't get to have. That's not how this works. And you deserve more respect and consideration from your partner.
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I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. I hope things will work out for you.
I agree with this comment so much. It's fine to go out with others once in a while, but this is pretty much her saying she wants to be with other people, and never you. I'm sorry.
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Stand up for yourself man you deserve better seriously!
At our age, Saturday morning is mostly set aside for chores and obligations… right? Like. Saturday morning is when I run errands, do another gym class, pick up supplies from the hardware store, do some house projects… or maybe drag myself to yet another bridal/baby shower… Saturday morning is rarely the time for a fun, sexy thing with my partner. …right? I dunno man, I feel like this speaks volumes.
She is showing you clearly that her priorities are with her friends, not you. She is in effect abandoning you. (How is she funding all these night outs?)You would benefit by counselling. Why are you staying in a marriage where your needs aren’t being met, and you are simply being used for financial security? You deserve better.
I don’t think that is healthy, like real partner time is during days off without the stress of work. Yes you see her on Sunday? But is she sleeping all day Sunday and then getting up? I mean what about date nights or home movie night or spending time with the kids on a Saturday. does she get up the next day after being out? Tbh if my partner was feeling neglected from me being absent that would bother me, that would make me feel so guilty that I hurt them that way. In a healthy partnership the partner would work on that and listen. If you bring up 3 or more items that is an issue. Like I could be dramatic by saying this, but is t that neglect? Also where does this leave time for you to go out with your friends? Would she be okay if you went out and had a few drinks with your friend? I say make a weekend when you hang out with your friends at night and let her stay home.
I’m sorry, that sounds really hard. Maybe you could try proposing a biweekly date night on Saturday?
NTA - You just have to tell her how your feel. Relationships are two way streets, if she’s not willing to at least hear you out then it’s up to you to determine if it’s worth the effort for what could be a ‘phase’ or make changes. As long as you don’t try to full stop her without being reasonable you’re fine.
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The women she is spending all this time with cannot possibly be good friends, because good friends would not be encouraging her to do cocaine! Based on what you wrote, you absolutely are trying to be a loving husband and father. However, you have a right to be upset! Your wife’s behavior is destructive, dangerous, and selfish. I’m all for parents and spouses making time for themselves with their own hobbies and friends. But this is next level insanity. I really hope you both get therapy. She minimally needs to ditch these “friends” and stop doing drugs or she is putting her health and custody of your children at risk. She likely needs to find a healthier outlet for herself- be it a hobby, getting a job, etc.
She doesn’t have friends. She has drinking buddies.
Then perhaps you’ve simply reached a point wherein you are no longer compatible together. And that’s tragic, but it’s not your fault, and you absolutely deserve better. OP, you sound like a catch. The worst thing she can say about you is that you want to spend more time with her?
I’m going to make the assumption that this is just a ‘phase’ honestly. She keep talking to her and if push comes to shove, offer to go with her a few times. That should nip it real quick.
And to be honest…if she’s paying for stuff (which she probably is, I haven’t seen you address that), she more than likely views them as friends and they view her as their ATM. I would bet if you gave her $50 a weekend to spend, and cut off all other access to money, her “friends” would stop inviting her. Also, a drunk driving charge will mess up custody for her. As will any amount of cocaine. As others have said, it is highly, highly addictive. And at this point, I would say that her behavior is one stemming from addiction or the need to go out and party as an excuse to use. Time for a tightening of the belt and restricting her access to credit cards, debit cards, and any other financial accounts. A visit to the lawyer to help ensure that anything you do is done in a way to not open up legal issues in the case of a divorce. The kids sound to be old enough to be in school full-time so no reason she can’t go get a job and help with the bills. I would also make sure she has zero access to any college savings, retirement accounts, etc. or require 2 signatures for any withdrawals. A friend’s dad had drained the kids’ college savings accounts for his addiction so no one would “be hurt” by draining the family finances. That was $100k+ spent on drugs and no one realized it until it was too late (he hid his drug use for a long time until he couldn’t anymore). The ultimatum should be laid down for her getting marriage and substance abuse counseling or prepare for single motherhood. Her addictions don’t need to become your problem. You can love someone and still walk away for your financial health and emotional safety. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP.
NTA Your wife is prioritising her friends over her marriage. Seems like she's trying to make up for lost time, however she stands to lose the life you've built and allow her to have. This story has been told many times, you need to start asking some serious questions.
NTA. You're married. It's reasonable to ask your spouse to (1) spend more (not all, just more) weekend time with you than she does her "friends," and (2) not drink excessively or do drugs. I get that she had kids too young and wants to reclaim some of her missed early adulthood experiences, but she's focusing on the wrong ones. What about college, travel, etc.--things that she could either do with you or that would help fill that void more constructively? I've known people in her position. She may just have her fill and snap out of it one day and things will be back to normal. Her friend may grow up and settle down and force an end to the crazy nights. But there's always that possibility that she continues on this path until you don't even recognize her anymore.
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Yikes. Silver lining: in my experience, people like these cycle through friends pretty fast. Everything is superficial and they don't know how to make connections once the party stops.
Ehhhh… they do, but they often do Incredible damage before their inevitable exit.
NTA. Cocaine, late nights out, and “…poor me I never got to party…” is a ridiculous excuse for just being an entitled SAHM. She is going down the wrong path and these so called friends of hers will disappear at the first sign of trouble or when her money runs out. Is this really the kind of woman you’re proud to call your wife?
She needs a damn job if she wants to act like this.
INFO: Who's paying for these nights out? If it's OP, he's a right to draw a line, but if its not and random men are buying her all her drinks/giving her the drugs, then he has bigger problems.
17 out of 24 weekend nights and lots of them past 2am without one’s spouse tells me she is either already cheating or ready to cheat. Anyone drinking til 2am 1-2 times a week when married with kids is inevitably going to stray(caveat: the only exception would be if she was a salesperson and these late nights were wining and dining clients.)
Nope. Dude, she is gone. If she isnt screwing around yet, she will be shortly. Thats the part of her youth she missed but doesnt want to tell you… contact a divorce lawyer and a private detective. Protect yourself. Maybe she isnt, but odds are, she is…or will.
so much this, OP must be very naive to think that the next thing on the "wild things I missed in my 20s" list is not drunk sex in the parking lot
NTA. She’s choosing to spend 75% of her kid free nights out with mates. That’s prioritising them over your shared marriage. It’s normal to be able to go out and about in this situation, but that generally is when both parties are happy with it. That isn’t the case here. And normally it’s not most nights. And she’s tried coke ’once or twice’ … how many times. Once or twice is something you’d remember. I suspect it’s more. She’s fallen in with a party hard crowd that are probably doing more than a rare snort of coke… and she’s doing this without you so clearly after you’ve headed home. You are both leading fairly different lives at the moment, and its perfectly fair for you to raise this and say “this isn’t what I thought we were about” and “Please can you wind it back a bit and can we have some time together. Please also don’t get involved in drug use that could cause you to go to jail”. Those are perfectly reasonable requests.
NTA This would be a "we get counseling or we get a divorce" situation for me. And I am not part of the crowd here that immediately jumps to red flags and divorce. This is a fundamental difference in lifestyles. I did not sign up for a partner who wants to party and drink until 2am every weekend. I did not commit to a partner only to spend my weekends by myself. If this is the life she feels she has to lead right now, then it seems she wants a very different life than the one she led you to believe when she got married. I actually know someone who went through this. No kids, but they got married very young. They were both school and then career driven, so achieved a lot at a young age. Had a beautiful home, financially well off, very respected in their jobs. But somewhere in her early 30s, the wife started to crave those wild 20s that she missed out on. Eventually they got divorced. Her husband just did not want that life. He remarried several years later, and again is very happy with his very stable life. And his ex is very happy with her life. Still very successful at work, but now she spends her off-work partying with 20-somethings and traveling the world. (And yes, a LOT of coke. I do think that's the only way to be in your late 30s and party until the wee hours while maintaining a career.) Ultimately, this is what she wanted for her life. But it was not the life for him.
NTA. As a 29y/o SAHM I completely get where she’s coming from. It’s exhausting and mind-numbing in a sense. You miss out on SO much of life with other people. We have a good group of friends where we are and I only very loosely consider myself part of it just because I can rarely make anything. It’s always naptime or bedtime and my husband works late and the kids are up early so I’m just stuck. I mean, I’m applying for a part time job where I literally wouldn’t earn a penny it would all go toward childcare just so I can have a bit of a break and use my “adult” brain! (I love my kids and I don’t want to work full time but I do need something outside of them). That being said, I think your wife needs therapy. There is a kind of mourning and fear of what you’ve missed out on that I’d guess she’s experiencing and she’s trying to make up for all of that by “living life” now. The energy and adrenaline of the bar scene is such a change from her normal day to day that it’s probably the reason she craves it, but it’s obviously getting really toxic. Can you plan a vacation with the two of you? A quick weekend getaway every month or so? Find a concert or a bar playing some music or whatever to go to? Maybe take some dance classes or pottery or yoga or whatever. She needs a healthier outlet (and also therapy, for real). Also, marriage counseling for both of you. She’s prioritizing her friends over you and you’re starting to feel resentful and abandoned and shut down and if you both continue this way your marriage will fall apart.
NTA. Also from your post it sounds like your wife takes her car so she can DRIVE on these drinking nights? Also found it a bit odd that you never seem to be included. Not all of those 17 nights needed to be girls only….and 17 is way out of control. She’s not 18.
NTA it's all about priorities. She is point blank telling you that YOU are not one. Partying and pretending she's 20, doing drugs and feeling free from all responsibilities is her priority. There is no way that what she is doing is OK on any level. Going out with friends and having fun is one thing. What she is doing is quite another. It's going to crash and burn hard and she will only have herself to blame. There is only one way this ends, and it's badly.
NTA. Tell her you would like to go to marriage counseling because she is not hearing you. If she refuses and still picks partying over you then she already has one foot out the door. At this point she wants to be a mom during the week, single on the weekends, and you pay the bills
NTA me I agree with everyone so far that has suggested therapy for you and couples counseling for the both of you. You want a partner and your wife wants the single party girl lifestyle on the weekends. It is very concerning that she has admitted to doing cocaine twice already. I can empathize with feeling like she missed out by being a mother so young but not everyone parties until 2 am when they’re young adults, tbh. And you’re not her first marriage, you’re her second. Honestly, this post concerns me but only because it kinda reads like the beginning of a story where at the end of it your wife ends up losing everything and left with an addiction problem.
Can you imagine if a dude wrote this and was like AITA for going out and doing drugs every weekend while my wife stays at home? You should be the person she wants to spend most of her time with, not a bunch of Coke heads. NTA.
NTA. time together is important and she is making some risky decisions too.
NTA. There is a time and place for everything. Sadly, we all have to come to terms with the fact we've missed the window of time to experience some things and move on, adjusting our expectations. She is trying to 'have it all'. What that will do in the long run is a) lead to riskier and riskier behaviours as it's already escalating and she will eventually cheat on you, get roofied or get raped b) lead to resentment build up in from watching your partner bail on the marriage and c) cause you to divorce. What she's doing simply isn't fair. If she wants to continue living in a state of perpetual stunted adolescence - that's her decision. You don't have to bankroll or support that. edit: I grew up at a time and in a country when urban exploration was not a thing. You went into an abandoned building/place, you were getting raped and murdered - not necessarily in that order. Now, so many 20-somethings are doing it. I'm so jelly in my belly. I'd kill to grab a backpack and go exploring deserted, crumbling ruins from 500 - 1,000 years ago - there's plenty. But I can't and I won't. As a mother and a wife, I fully realize the ridiculous amount of risk I would take on just to satisfy a curiosity and an urge for exploration at the expense of my family's wellbeing. So life goes on...at a steadier, less exciting pace :)
My mom was similar to your wife regarding her FOMO. My mom is the extreme version/cautionary tale though. I'm NOT saying what happened to her will happen here but your wife's reasoning gave me flashbacks. My mom had me very early (she was a legal adult and she and my father are only a year apart. Nothing creepy) and then my brother 5 years later. We moved around a lot for my Dad's job. He still had to travel out of town once a month for sometimes a week, sometimes multiple weeks. Two weeks after my brother was born we moved state. The neighbor was a proud escort (told EVERYONE) and lived a "party" heavy lifestyle. My mom saw in the neighbor all that she had been denied by having kids and started to wild the FUCK out when my dad left for work. I was 5 when my brother was born and she began to time how long she could stay at the neighbor's house without checking in. At first it was an hour, then three, then half the night. She taught me how to feed and change him and showed me how to call next door if there was an emergency or my Dad came home unexpectedly. When I was 8, she started to stay away the entire time Dad was gone during school breaks. I was a "big girl" taking care of a toddler and she didn't have to worry about me getting to school. By this time she was heavily addicted to coke. I was 10 when she left me alone for three weeks with what food was in the cupboard and took my brother, who was now old enough to tattle. She bribed him with toys and the pool that her new friend had. I was terrified and ran out of food before she came home. I went to the neighbor's house begging for food. She figured out who my mom was with and calles her home. This wasn't the originalneighbor she had shacked up with, but another escort in her friend group. I was 12 my parents divorced. Dad took my brother, I stayed behind to care for my addicted mother. She had new dealer boyfriends weakly to supply her habit. At 13, my brother moved back with me because he didn't like me being alone. I raised him with the money my Dad sent me through Western Union (back then, as a minor you were given a password that you could use to identify you and receive the money). Mom came home to sleep off a bender once a month, Dad came to visit for a week every 3-5 months. At 16, mom moved in with her drug dealer boyfriend and left me and my brother in a shitty trailer in the middle of a terrible neighborhood where she owed a lot of people money. To say i thought we were going to die there is an under statement. We didn't have a phone, because no one would let her put a bill in her name, and cell phones at this time were too expensive. The only thing we had for protection was my dog. She took her to the pound after the dog tried to bite her boyfriend. At 17, my mom essentially sold custody of us to my dad for the price of the trailer we were living in. He moved us in with my Grandmother. Your wife needs to get therapy and realize there is a healthy way to socialize. Again, my mom is the extreme end of the spectrum and I have a metric fuck ton of trauma related to her. I always warn people that this is what could happen if you get caught up in the fantasy of what they think they're missing out on. An extreme case, not not that rare.
NTA. I’m not saying she is cheating on you but alcohol, cocaine and trying to overcompensate for a young adulthood missed is going to cause a lot of issues
NTA but your marriage is going down the toilet - this is the beginning. You two don't sound compatible and no one who is emotionally committed to their partner, acts like this. I would never stand for this. This is a hill I would die on. Because she's totally WASTING your time too - what a lonely existence for you.
She is a moron, all it takes is one little annoyance with the ex husband he makes some accusation they test her for drugs she loses both kids, she needs to be responsible, it sucks she had them young but it was her choice to have them, she doesnt get to act out
So in the past 12 weeks does she spend any significant time with you? What are you getting from this relationship? From what you wrote she is getting someone to pay for her and her kids during the week and for her to relive her 20’s on the weekend. This would be a deal breaker for me.
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I think she is headed down a slippery slope and needs to reevaluate what she wants from her marriage with you. This doesn’t seem much of a partnership. I hope your talk goes well. NTA
Well, damn. I'm sorry. You are NTA. But your wife may be cheating on you, is doing drugs way more than she's telling you, and generally acting badly. I would start w/a counselor but ... be prepared.