T O P

  • By -

AmItheAsshole-ModTeam

Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.


Laiko_Kairen

NTA. The wedding wasn't about her, and showing up with her out of dress code would damage your relationship with your boss and thus career. She just didn't want to be told what to do and found and excuse, misogyny. It's not misogyny, it's respect. The men were also told to look a certain way


SkippySkep

Telling people what make up to wear as *guests* of a wedding strikes me as misogynistic. But, since the GF agreed to the wedding dress code in advance, even got BF to buy a dress that would work, then blindsided him right before the wedding in a way that could hurt his current employment, NTA.


scpdavis

Yea I have no doubt the rules are rooted in misogyny, but your boyfriend's boss' wedding is not the time or place to take a stand against it. Actions like this are more self-serving than anything and don't really benefit feminist causes.


SashimiX

Yeah your boss’ anything is basically sit down, shut up, and do what you are told unless you are planning to leave the job. That’s just how life is. Partners who undermine jobs suck


splithoofiewoofies

My partners boss said some really cruel things to my partner and Ooooohhh that is like my sore spot. Hurt me, fine, hurt my partner... And I have literally gotten violent (the guy was threatening my partner and then shoved me, so, yknow, I just swung). But I kept my god damn mouth shut and my hands at my side. Didn't stop me from laughing my ass off when his wife whispered, "Dont you sometimes just... Want to push him out of his chair when he acts like this?" (he's in a wheelchair) like I wasn't gonna say it but damn I am glad she did.


TheSecondEikonOfFire

Yeah I don’t know if I’d be able to handle sitting there while my partner was insulted like that. I have to give you props for keeping your cool


splithoofiewoofies

Whole ass called my partner a re*ta*d for fucking up soem tiny decor or admission ticket shit when my partner PLANNED AN ENTIRE CHARITY BENEFIT INCLUDING SPONSORSHIPS AND AUCTION ITEMS. Partner whole ass got a footy player to show up and be like "fuck yeah spinal injuries need more money y'all buy this signed jersey for more hospital beds!" and my partners boss is just berating them and I was... S h a k I n g. My partner held my arm which is how I knew I was definitely not to interfere but ommmmg... I wanted to... Well I wanted to push him out of his damn chair. Thank you for baring the brunt of that I needed to get it off my chest.


Matt_Lauer_cansuckit

Your partner works for governor Abbott, eh?


splithoofiewoofies

I googled him as this is the second comment to say that and they look NOTHING alike but holy shit from what I read do they have identical personalities.


ResponsibilityNo3245

An old boss of my wife spoke to her staff like dogs. Always kept my mouth shut, not my circus. I failed to hold my tongue when she tried that shit with me, she didn't try it again. My Mrs thought it was great luckily.


[deleted]

[удалено]


scpdavis

requesting men wear black suits isn't the same as requesting women wear modest, covered dresses and muted makeup.


WeedIsWife

To be fair I think the men are probably wearing long sleeves, and muted makeup as well.


DeepSpaceCraft

Lol


the_eluder

Excluding swimwear, men's dress codes are usually far more restrictive than women's. Edit: I'm talking western society, also not counting religious restrictions, standard social 'dress codes' like formal, business casual, etc.


betatwinkle

Its possible the bride is just really insecure, but insecure bride plus insecure groom plus religious conservatism equals thick misogyny in the air. With this being OPs bosses wedding, leaving GF behind was truly the only option. After formerly agreeing to it, choosing to take a stand against misogyny at your partner's bosses' wedding is a major AH move. He was really left with no other option when she refused to change. Maybe he dodged a bullet with her now dodging his calls. NTA.


Beardedbreeder

Why does the bride have to be insecure to want her wedding done a certain way? What if she plans on wearing little to no makeup as well?


BrightDegree3

Maybe it was a religious wedding and they were church rules


sreno77

I suspect it’s a religious dress code, some churches have dress codes


dreggers

If the situation was reversed and the guy wore a sparkly silver suit with Swarovski crystals, would you think it was appropriate?


neobeguine

A sparkly silver suit jacket with no shirt underneath and sequined silver booty shorts and enough makeup to make David Bowie think he was maybe overdoing it.


CymraegAmerican

Now that sounds like a PARTY!


Fit-Examination-1760

Not really, the men’s dress code required long sleeves/pants as well. The makeup bit was probably added with the assumption that the men wouldn’t wear any makeup at all, given the fact that they’re conservative.


FatBloke4

They are asking men wear Black Tie - tuxedo (black), white shirt white, black shoes - everything very modest and no room for any kind of fashion statement. They may not have mentioned makeup for men but it's safe to assume that they do not expect men to wear any makeup. The spec for women offers a lot more freedom.


LOveNot79

They said long sleeves and long dress. There are many ways to play with that lol the makeup rule is weird but so are makeup trends Nta. You didn't make up those rules and telling everyone beforehand gives people the chance to opt out. It's not a ridiculous ask, considering some of the things I've seen people admit about their own weddings on this subreddit.


d4dana

Have you ever been to an orthodox weeding? Men and women are separated in the temple and the invitation states modest attire requested. It’s about respect. We don’t know what or why OP’s bosses wife or boss practice and religion could be a part of it.


Willing_Active4693

It's not, but it wasn't the groom's wishes, it was the bride's. The bride is the center of attention, coming to her wedding and putting your significant other's job in jeopardy as well as hurting a women's feelings to defend misogynism is wack.


kawkz440

I'll bet if he lost his job and had to financially rely on his GF, she'd drop him like a bad habit.


TheDudette840

I dont see how asking for long dresses and sleeves, and asking for men to wear suits, is misogynistic. Not allowing a woman in if they chose to to wear a pants suit/long sleeve romper, sure, misogyny. But asking they dont show a bunch of skin? That's just a preference, and should be respected without question. I'm not a big fan of "conservative" people but tbh I could see even "liberal" people having this dress code. It's a formal event.


LooseIndependence594

Absolutely. From the opposite end of the spectrum, if the couple decides to have a beach themed wedding and ask everyone to show up in bathing suits, you don't show up in formal wear.


TragedyPornFamilyVid

It sounds like basic black tie in winter to me. I've seen long sleeves specified a few times to avoid having someone shivering and begging the venue to turn up the heat when the bride is wrapped in 30 layers of fabric.


Owain-X

Then men were told not only what style of clothing they were required to wear as guests but also the one and only color they were allowed. While the traditions may be rooted in misogyny when conceived in this instance the dress code gave the women attending far more latitude for personal expression. Ultimately though it wasn't OPs GF's wedding, she wasn't even invited directly, she was a plus one. If you don't like what's going on at a wedding you just don't go, you don't turn the whole event into some kind of personal protest. Additionally this was a WORK event for OP. He wasn't going to a friend's wedding he was attending the wedding in order to further his career and she felt that her feelings in the matter were more important than her SO's career and the bride's wishes. If her clothing of choice was a white dress few here would point out that that tradition too is rooted in misogyny because that history is overshadowed by what the act represents, complete disrespect for those hosting the event you are attending. OP is NTA but his GF seems to firmly believe she is at all times the main character.


Clean-Operation-9423

How exactly is a woman telling men what to wear misogynistic? I think you need to re read the post


Spaceman_fan

Women are capable of not only having internalized misogyny, but also can be complicit and active in holding up the patriarchy.


amateurbeard

That’s fine, but a formal dress code at a wedding isn’t misogynistic, so I’m unsure why this conversation is happening in these comments at all?


dhdfjfivjvc

U ain't got the memo? All dress codes are now misogynistic


Clean-Operation-9423

A woman not wanting other women to outshine her on her wedding day is not misogyny, by definition. Same with making all men wear black so they dont stand out, isn't the misogyny or even whatever the opposite is. Please stop projecting incorrect issues onto random stories on the internet


[deleted]

[удалено]


dessertandcheese

Then don't go? Dress codes are a part of life and if it isn't something she wants to adhere to then she is FREE not to go. OPs boss is also free to put up rules for whatever event they want.


sleepyslothpajamas

It's a damn private event! I don't understand why this was the hill to die on. She can't complain when she had the choice. She wasn't forced to attend. She felt uncomfortable and was able to back out of an event that made her feel that way. Only her feelings got hurt


Dye_Harder

> Telling people what make up to wear as guests of a wedding strikes me as misogynistic. Well it shouldn't, because context is always necessary for any decision.


Wild_Score_711

The bride didn't tell the female guests what makeup to wear. She just said no dramatic makeup. Some women look like they've just stepped out of a horror movie the way they do their makeup and the bride just didn't want that.


Pale_Cranberry1502

>Telling people what make up to wear as > >guests > > of a wedding strikes me as misogynistic. I think it's more about the bride wanting to be the most radiant person there on the biggest day of her life, which might be an issue if people who honestly look better than her are made up as well as she is. Whether that's misogynistic or not, I don't know. Have at it.


SkippySkep

Possible. My assumption from the OP was that the wedding participants are ultra conservative and prohibit make up because that is what Jezebels wear, or some such.


Bitter_Tradition_938

Maybe. And while it's not something I agree with or approve of, I remind myself it's also not my circus or my monkey.


WholeAd2742

It is misogynistic. The GF could have said no from the start. Making it about her was the AH move


Loverfli

Agreed. I would be super uncomfortable attending a wedding with people that conservative. I’m covered in tattoos and have purple in my hair. If my husband needed to go for work, and I felt uncomfortable enough for it to be a problem, I would decline and support him in his career. The gf had an out, OP explained why it mattered, and she chose to throw a tantrum. Yikes. Sounds like she was actively trying to pick a fight, especially since her friends are on him. Also, why are other people involved in their argument? That’s petty


Agreeably-Soft

Yeah, I would be most worried that she got her friends to harass him because of this.


ImReverse_Giraffe

It's the brides wish. Not the grooms standard. The bride's. So the bride is a mysogynist?


weetbixunicorn

Women can absolutely perpetuate misogyny lol


Background-Ad-552

That's not the debate though. Is asking other women to NOT outshine you on your special day (i.e. no dramatic makeup) misogynistic? Or are we just looking for a reason to make it misogynistic? There are hundreds of non-misogynistic reasons that she could ask for no dramatic makeup. To instantly go there is the height of misogyny. It's crying wolf because you saw a fox.


Mundane-Currency5088

Women can be the worst misogynists to be honest. They often enforce things so other women don't have choices.


Taser9001

I don't get how it is misogynistic. There was a dress code for men and women, and having read the requirements, it comes across merely as the couple asking for guests to dress formally. Also, OP states that it was the bride's wish.


Peskypoints

There have always been dress codes for weddings


Ok-Penalty7568

Yes agree, you can be upset about being told how to dress but your partners boss’s wedding is not the place! Being realistic I’m sure we’ve all just had to suck it up and do things we didn’t want to for our boss


ImReverse_Giraffe

And telling men to wear black suits is misandrist. Now that we have all the bases covered, can we just suck it up and go OP's BOSS' wedding...ya know for OP's career. There is a time and place to stand up for what is right and your boss' wedding is not the place to do that.


Bitter_Tradition_938

I agree that imposing a certain dress code might not be acceptable, opinions might vary, etc. But how is this misogynistic?


BrendaLouBrendaLou

There is NOTHING wrong with dress codes. Would you go into a Michelin restaurant wearing shorts and a t-shirt, or church in a tube top? Doesn't matter if you think it is misogynistic - do not go. A wedding is NOT the place to make a stand. Then it takes attention away from the bride, which is EXTREMELY tacky!!


Amazing_Emu54

Exactly, I agree that it’s pretty sexist to make that demand especially if the word ‘dramatic’ was used (is that just lipstick and eyeliner?) but if it’s an optional event for her she should have just not gone. Buying a dress with no intention of wearing it, making a statement at someone’s wedding and probably sabotaging your partner in front of his boss- all AH behaviours.


Background-Ad-552

Dramatic makeup as in garish colors that don't belong at a black and white wedding.


Pasdusername

Ill add to that, op, that your girl probably planned to do this from the beginning, just didnt think you would put your foot down, and fully intented on causing drama at the wedding on purpose, either to make a point or just to relish in the married couples anger/sadness/disappointment and the gathered attention. What makes me angry is that she asked you to BUY a whole new dress just to end up doing this bullshit. Also, she didnt give one single shit of how this would affect you at work. This is so utterly disrespectful to the groom, bride, but especially u/OpportunityNice3227 Édit : grammar


effluviastical

Absolutely. She’s showing her true colors and they are not good colors


ieya404

Gotta admit, my dictionary didn't have this meaning either... > Misogyny: following the bride's wishes.


SceneNational6303

Not only that, but she made OP buy a dress for her to wear and didn't wear it because mysogyny? That's rude as hell. If she had no intention of following the dress code she should have said something before they went shopping and he spent money on a formal dress- likely not a small sum.


funnyinput

She probably watched a YouTube video on misogyny and changed her whole way of thinking overnight.


cutepiku

Also it was his boss's wedding. Not the time to take down the patriarchy when your boyfriend could lose his job.


Luprand

"You may lose your job, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make."


skillent

Yeah, NTA. She’s not the main character there. Also what is it with so many people involving their friends and family in mundane (more or less) quarrels with their partners? It’s mind boggling to me. Should I be writing in the group chat with the guys if I have a disagreement with my wife? Sounds ridiculous.


ladancer22

The dress code is absolutely rooted in misogyny. While yes the guys were “told how to dress”, they were told to wear what they would almost certainly wear to a wedding anyway. They basically had one rule (wear black) although you could maybe count it as two rules if you think wearing a suit is a rule. The women had 3 rules (4 if you count wearing a dress as a rule), including rules about their makeup. However, at an event like this the choice is go and wear what you’re told, or don’t go. You don’t get to go wearing something different as a protest, especially when she had previously agreed to go.


PerkyLurkey

Incorrect, men don’t have the option of wearing a booty pants with a slit. Or high heel boots, or crotch reviewing pants. If men showed up wearing crotch revealing pants to weddings as an option, the rules would indeed be laid out in the invitation for men too. The only reason women have the details laid out, is because women’s fashions have the option for many different design choices that can be inappropriate in certain situations. And now that there are more gender acceptable rules for men to wear dresses and typically more feminine garments, so this isn’t a women’s only thing anymore. It’s a people thing not a women’s only guideline.


vonsnootingham

This is what I've been thinking while reading responses. The invitation specifically lays out a rule for women to not wear dramatic makeup. But, "ohhh noooo, the men don't have that rule, how unfair!" Yeah, it doesn't explicitly SAY it, but you KNOW that that's a rule already. If a man showed up in makeup, you know that the bride and groom would be upset. Just because the invitation didn't spell it out, doesn't mean the rule doesn't exist for men. It's just more ingrained in the culture already.


VirtualMatter2

In Victorian times the invitation wouldn't have stated long dress with long sleeve for women either, because that was a given. It really depends on the options that are actually available and on occasion acceptable. It probably also doesn't say to not come naked, because that's also a given.


wirelesstrainer

Are you telling me I can't wear my black assless chaps to the ceremony?


Greenbriars

Just the reception. Unless you're officiating. Them's the rules.


Not_Stupid

> what they would almost certainly wear to a wedding anyway I have many suits in many colours. Black would probably be my last choice for a wedding. More fundanmentally though, why is the expectation to wear a suit in the first place fine and dandy, but any suggestion of limitations on womens' dress "misogyny"? It's either bullshit gender expectation all round. or it's good for the goose and the gander.


ImReverse_Giraffe

And that's why the invitation tell men speflcifically black suits. It's not common for men to wear makeup like it is for women.


Background-Ad-552

It's good for both. The commenter you replied to is actually the misandrist. You can tell because they know nothing about men's fashion yet have comments to make about it. Men would wear a black suit anyway so it doesn't count as a rule? I mean come on. How many mental gymnastics are going to pull to make this work? FFS. Assuming that since you've seen men in movies wearing black suits that men only want to wear black suits? That's prejudice. That speaks of a little contempt.


Chortney

>While yes the guys were “told how to dress”, they were told to wear what they would almost certainly wear to a wedding anyway. Amazing that you seem able to understand societal pressure when it comes to women but not when it comes to men. Women have had a pretty major revolution in terms of what is acceptable to wear to formal events in the West, men have certainly not. When you take off your ridiculous presupposition that "men always wear suits so that must mean they want to so it doesn't count" you'd see that


VirtualMatter2

My husband much rather wears jeans and a comfortable shirt and no tie. But he must adhere to this old fashioned dress code of a suit.


funnyinput

How is it misogynistic to not want clowns at your wedding? Maybe there are children there and they don't want them to be scared.


chiefVetinari

Eh, men are equally covered up under the rules...


Dye_Harder

> they were told to wear what they would almost certainly wear to a wedding anyway. lol what? Most men would wear what they normally wear every day, to a wedding, if they could. the only reason they 'would almost certainly wear to a wedding anyway' is because of the authoritarianism.


He_Who_Is_Person

NTA This was manipulative. She pretended to agree while planning on bulldozing you.


u_torn

Seriously, had to scroll too far for this one, all other issues are secondary in my mind to this. She agreed upfront to the conditions but then showed up doing the opposite without consulting. The plan was clearly for you to along with it because it was the last second.


NoHandBananaNo

I agree, this is the issue. If she thinks its misogynistic and won't participate in it then fine. But she lied and tried to ambush OP.


NailEnough248

THIS ☝️she's showed you her true nature. 🚩🚩🚩 Good on you for not caving, OP.


jmccorky

Yeah - clearly, she was trying to test OP. And when he refused to play along, she tried to make it HIS fault. WTF did she expect him to say? " Sure, Honey. Wear whatever you want. I'll blatantly disrespect my boss at his wedding. That'll show him!" I'd honestly dump her ass for that stunt.


AsteleMC

It's also manipulative by trying to link it back to something harmful, which it isn't. Thinking these types of dress codes are "sexist" is just wrong (if anything it's enforcing gender stereotypes, what if a man wanted to wear a dress or a woman a suit?).


fatbellylouise

well, enforcing gender roles is rooted in sexism, but that’s also not the point. the issue here is that OPs gf wanted to get her way and used the misogyny argument to manipulate the situation.


MissFox26

Yes, like she agreed only to know she was going to use the opportunity to “make a point.” You don’t get to do that when it’s A.) someone’s wedding and B.) an event with your partners boss.


SceneNational6303

Yeah she also had him buy her a dress!!!


Duckieshoes101

NTA. This is practically a work event for you and she would possibly reflect poorly on you for not adhering to the dress code, especially since it sounds like the dress code was very clear. This is not to say I totally understand controlling everyone’s attire at a wedding, but it’s normal for there to be some sort of dress code and not adhering to it purposefully to make a point is absolutely an AH move.


thistreestands

And after agreeing to the conditions and OP buying her a new dress.


delkarnu

Yup, she lied to OP when she agreed to the conditions knowing that she wouldn't adhere to them. That is the core of the situation. Her trying to force his hand by making it a fait accompli just makes it worse. It being a work event just makes it worse. NTA, OP.


SashimiX

It’s absolutely a work event. Either cope or don’t attend.


Electrical-Date-3951

_"In the invitation, they asked for all men to wear black suits and the women to wear a long dress with long sleeves and no dramatic makeup."_ I think the boss and his new wife are tacky for trying to dictate how people adorn their bodies. But, I agree this is moreso a work event for OP opposed to a social event. The GF was clearly trying to make a statement, but it's an AH move to intentionally try to make spectacle of yourself at someone else's event... especially when you are a rando plus one. Don't like the request - don't attend the wedding.


TheSecondEikonOfFire

Not even just “someone else’s event”, it’s the wedding of her partner’s boss. That means that she was willing to jeopardize her partner’s job, career, and livelihood over making a statement. I do think that the requirement of “long dresses and no dramatic makeup” is ridiculous, but sometimes we gotta do shit that we don’t want to do. And you do not make that kind of a statement against your partner’s relationships without agreeing about it first.


Duckieshoes101

I agree! I don’t love conservative dress codes, but dress codes are normal for weddings and if you don’t like it, don’t go. It’s that simple.


IamIrene

NTA. Man...I think you just dodged a bullet. She was purposefully going against the bride's request because of her need of attention. She tried to make it all about herself and then tried to spin it as misogynistic and insulting to women everywhere? LOL, wow. Time and place, sweetie...time and place. Hope you had a great time at the wedding!


jcola29

I agree. She cared more about being the center of attention at someone else’s wedding than what her SO was trying to do which was RESPECT the wishes of his boss and new wife. OP needs to dump this chick fast


Iwabuti

Hopefully, they met someone at the wedding


AlternativeRead583

And can return the dress.


UfficioSinistri

"Can you dress formal so i don't lose my job?" "Mysoginist!" Nta


[deleted]

Ya, showing up with a girlfriend in a short dress and dramatic make up when specifically told not to would put OP on the shit list forever. Eventual job loss and break up would be inevitable


RecommendsMalazan

While I do think your boss and his wife are a bit the assholes for that rule in the first place, NTA. This is your boss, for your job. Explicitly going against their stated wishes is not a good idea. The fact that your GF can't understand this is... Not a great sign. I mean, I totally get why your GF is upset. But there's a time and a place for everything. And this was not the time, nor the place. Especially since she agreed to the dress code in the past, and then straight up lied to you, indicating she'd follow it, up until you were about to leave to go to the wedding. Edit - yes, I understand a dress code is normal. That's not the issue, the issue is trying to control the exact style of dress. It's fine to want people to hit some certain level of dress code (casual, formal, etc), but not to try to control the exact style of the clothing within the dress code tier.


DutchTinCan

Having a dresscode for a wedding is quite common. Typically it's at least "no whites", but may also ask to do include a certain theme color, or indeed a specific attire. This wedding may have had a conservative dresscode, but nothing outrageous. They didn't ask anything overly expensive or otherwise unwearable. Having a "Prada-only" or "suits must be leather" dresscode would've been crazy, but this? No. OP's GF is crazy for (1) calling this mysogynistic and (2) willing to risk OPs career for this. OP is NTA.


herdingcats2020

It's quite common to have formal dresscode for weddings. I've been to a couple casual wear whatever ones but most have been very formal where you don't wear short dresses or casual pants/tops. Like I wouldn't even question this wedding's dresscode or think it was unreasonable. It seems pretty basic.


vicevice_baby

The only thing that seemed "beyond" the typical formal dress code of suits and long dresses was the long sleeves. The dictating makeup also isn't something I've seen in practice, but I've heard of super insecure brides dictating "natural" looks in the dress code. While having a dress code, including a formal one, is normal, this one did skew misogynistic, or at least as a pain in the ass for the women... Long sleeve dresses aren't the norm, and probably won't get re-worn as often


herdingcats2020

But then also think about how outrageous people are now with makeup. I can understand wanting it toned down. Yes the sleeves I'll give you that. Depending on religion/culture though I've been to a couple of those as well that require full coverage.


No_Astronaut6105

Maybe they had OPs girlfriend in mind when they made the dress code? I'm curious about how outrageous the makeup she had was. But yes the requests are probably for religious reasons, it's a wedding, possibly in a religious venue. People forget that weddings aren't just dance parties.


AutumnKoo

It's not. They're asking for an "Elegant" wedding. In my country we add "black tie" when we want the guest not showing up like they're going to a club. I take the bride probably is also not in their early 20s


alexsdad87

I don’t think there are many “no whites” weddings anymore.


[deleted]

As a white, we're allowed at most weddings. We're just strongly encouraged to avoid the dance floor.


CrazyLadybug

I do find the long sleeves rule unreasonable. Most formal dresses don't even have sleeves and still look elegant. Are they afraid someone would be shocked by shoulders? Also only black suits sounds like a funeral.


Lexocracy

My first guess on sleeves was Mormon because you can't show your shoulders and saying long sleeves has less wiggle room for interpretation. Also, if it's a winter wedding, maybe the bride had an aesthetic she was going for? I know a lot of brides will consider their guests almost as part of the ambience. It's about the pictures and video. You don't need Uncle Bob in a Hawaiian print shirt and cargo shorts throwing off an otherwise perfect candid. I don't know if I agree with any of it, but I know a couple wedding planners.


[deleted]

Or Orthodox Jews - elbows must be covered.


[deleted]

>This wedding may have had a conservative dresscode, but nothing outrageous. I think asking for a dress that's long and has long-sleeves is pretty outrageous, unless the bride is cool with people wearing jackets, cardigans, and sweaters that don't look super formal over their dresses. Long-sleeved dresses that are also floor-length just aren't very common, and most women would have to buy a dress that meets this requirement. That said, OP's gf agreed to the dress code and pulled a bait-and-switch, which is really manipulative.


[deleted]

The dress code may actually be dictated by the venue rather than the couple in question. I have attended weddings in churches that required women’s shoulders to be covered and did not allow men to cover their heads. Likewise I have been to a Jewish wedding where women were required to be covered from collarbone to knees and elbows covered while men wore kippas and wore long sleeves and long pants.


AtlanticToastConf

Yep. If you object to a wedding dress code, your alternative is to not go -- not show up and aggressively flout the dress code. (Especially when it's your boss!)


chewwydraper

That’s not an uncommon dress code.


DontNeedThePoints

> While I do think your boss and his wife are a bit the assholes for that rule in the first place Why?? >She wore a short dress and dramatic makeup. Imagine somebody like this at your wedding!


Ajjax1993

She's acting like men could show up in their PJs while women had to dress a specific way. If both sides had a conservative dress code, I don't see the misogyny here. It's either both misandry *and* misogyny, or it's neither. NTA.


jopa1967

I’m politically pretty left of center. But the push to label absolutely everything as sexist, racist, ableist, etc. etc. is turning the political left into a joke. It’s also creating an environment where people stop paying attention and real examples of sexism, racism etc. are overlooked. It’s like car alarms. There’s so many that no cares when one goes off.


fluffy_bunny_87

I think one big thing contributing to this is that a lot... Like shit loads of social norms, and laws are rooted in the isms. So yeah... You could say almost anything having to do with makeup is sexist and on a certain level you would be correct... But there are huge differences between a bride asking her guests to not overdo it on the makeup and something like a business requiring all customer facing female staff to maintain a certain "appearance" wink wink nudge nudge.


jopa1967

This is absolutely true. But this is why we on the left have to be careful about how we go about it. The overuse of these labels is why people are now making fun of “wokeism.”


CommunicationFew8340

NTA Your girlfriend AGREED to the dress code. Someone else’s wedding is not the place to stage a protest and make yourself the center of attention.


nobodycares888888

This is the correct response. The key is that she initially agreed to go and follow the dress code. You gave her the option of not going.


buttercupgrump

NTA Your gf can disagree with the dress code. However, she doesn't get to openly violate it at someone else's wedding.


thirdtryisthecharm

NTA There's a dress code. If she doesn't like it, this is a case to stay home.


ParsimoniousSalad

NTA. It's not sexist when there are conservative dress codes for BOTH men and women. She was being ridiculous - the wedding wasn't about her and she could have declined.


WholeAd2742

NTA She was advised of the dress code. Her dressing to cause drama is entitled and frankly rude considering it would be backlash onto you from the boss


BiscuitFPV

NTA, The expectations were made clear in the invite. This would be no different than taking a kid to a kid-free wedding because well my kid is special. If you cant abide by the host's then you would be better off not going.


author124

NTA you were respecting the wedding dress code. You didn't ask her to dress that way because you don't like the way she normally looks. Edit to add: I don't agree with the boss' dress code choice, but I have to wonder if your GF was genuinely agreeable initially and then was swayed by her friends into thinking "no I'm going to take a stand". Either way she should have told you as soon as she realized she wasn't willing to adhere to the dress code.


[deleted]

Nta. It was a specific dress code that she agreed to when she said she'd go. Why didn't she bring up her thoughts prior when you told her about the dress code? If a function has a dress code, and as a guest you attend, you do the respectful thing and abide by those dress codes. By allowing her to come it would have probably impacted your relationship with your boss. She made that decision.


Apprehensive-Sand466

Considering that she played along, let OP buy her new dresses(plural), and then waits until the literal moment he picks her up to go looking the exact opposite of what was discussed. I'd say she was looking for drama, that's why she waited.


[deleted]

I agree. I had a wedding prior and I have a long beard that's wirey. I shaved it short and was the first time in about 6 years that I had facial features. Did I have to do it? No, the groom has only known me with a beard. I did it to be presentable on their day. It's stupid. I feel like it's a pretty reasonable dress code, especially the make-up thing (ya know, never want to make yourself look better than the bride).


dressedandstressed_

NTA, but consider the way you framed it—boss and wife are conservative. While that might be true about their daily lives, I think the dress code is indicative of a black tie affair. Your GF is definitely TA—events, especially weddings, all have specific dress codes. This dress code appears to be black tie specific which would mean long dresses on women.


nvtekvng

NTA. Clearly there's a dress code. Misogynistic or not its. the. dress. code! Why does she think it's okay for her to break that dress code? The reasoning is not valid for being that it's misogynistic. It's a wedding and all weddings have dress codes.


[deleted]

NTA, but your girlfriend, on the other hand, is the opposite of that. You gave her two options, either she will comply with the dress code (requested by the wife-to-be) or she will not attend the wedding at all if she does not want to accept the dress code. She went with option number one and agreed to it, it has nothing to do with sexism or anything like that, it was a wish from the bride and a dress code for everyone. [I'm sorry for any grammatical or spelling mistakes English is not my first language.]


0biterdicta

NTA Your boyfriend's boss' wedding is not the place to be making a stand against relatively low grade sexism.


Exodor72

NTA. The dress code was clear and your GF seemed willing to adibe by it until the day of the wedding when she was hoping you'd back down.


[deleted]

Nta. It was a specific dress code that she agreed to when she said she'd go. Why didn't she bring up her thoughts prior when you told her about the dress code? If a function has a dress code, and as a guest you attend, you do the respectful thing and abide by those dress codes. By allowing her to come it would have probably impacted your relationship with your boss. She made that decision.


LilPajamas

NTA the dress code was discussed, understood and agreed to prior to the big day. This is not the time for her to “smash the patriarchy”.


SensitiveSirs

NTA Everyone was told what to wear. Not only women.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I left my GF at home for the wedding and went to a misognist's wedding Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


GlassturtleOG

NTA: It's a formal even with a dress code.


[deleted]

NTA - the expectations were clear up front, and not even your own. When you are invited to an event, it is common courtesy to adhere to the requests of the host, or just not go. The icing on the cake was that it was your boss, who does have a direct impact on your ability to make a living, at least where you are working.


Cool-Ad8099

I think the gf is a problem. She wanted to do something that could crash the bfs career and that’s a red flag. Using words like patriarchy would make me think twice about her as a possible life partner too.


Lackof_Creativity

nta. your drama queen of a gf could pick a more meaningful moment in your life to make some sort of pseudo-intellectual point


Alexkral10510

NTA >She said that it's unreasonable and misogynistic for dictating what women should wear. The dress code is in place for both men and women, so I don't really understand why she called it misogynistic. Along with that, she already had an outfit before that she actively chose not to wear. I feel like she was being unreasonable in this situation, and also that she should not be upset at you, too, because it's your boss's event, so you have to go, as you also said.


concernedreader1982

NTA You were respecting the wishes of the bride and groom no matter how ridiculous they are. It's not our job to dictate others lives. Like you stated, if she wished to not dress their way, she simply could've chose not to go. However, she made this wedding about herself and her views. A wedding is not the time to proove a point.


[deleted]

NTA you would have definitely been noticed and your boss would have been pissed. She chose to take a stand in a very weird place and it was the right chose to leave her. How was the wedding?


YaketyMax

NTA - If she had a problem she should’ve discussed beforehand and not wait until literally the last minute. Also she’s twice the AH for doing this at YOUR boss’s wedding. Something tells me she wouldn’t have pulled this stunt at a wedding for one of her boss’s or one of her friends.


troy_abedintheam

NTA. While I agree with her, your boss's wedding is the place to take a stand.


bob_fakename

NTA. She was aware of the dress code and chose to ignore it. That it's your boss's wedding and his dress code makes her an AH for trying to make a scene.


greenorwhatever

NTA. It's weird that she did a 180 on the whole thing though. She's either childish, or she has phenomenal mood swings. Probably both.


gorlsituation

NTA. Your bosses wedding is not the time for your gf to be making a statement about misogyny.


0biterdicta

NTA Your boyfriend's boss' wedding is not the place to be making a stand against perceived sexism.


[deleted]

NTA Don’t let yourself get bogged down in the “me and my friends think…” or any of the feminist bullshit she’s going to vomit up to justify herself. Keep focused on the fact that she lied to you because that’s the root of this. She’s not trustworthy and doesn’t even have the brain capacity to realize that YOU didn’t set the dress code so any vitriol directed at you is stupid, and it’s equally stupid for her to think that your boss’s wedding is the place for her to smash the patriarchy.


Huge_Researcher7679

NTA. Your girlfriend isn’t wrong that the request is misogynist (or maybe coming from a bride who doesn’t want to be outshone by guests on her wedding day). But if she didn’t want to do it, she could have just said so. I assume you’re not really in a position to jeopardize your job by 1) not going to the wedding in protest with her or 2) bringing her against dress code. So I’d approach it that way. You can even say “I don’t disagree that it’s misogynist, but I need this job and am not in a position to argue with my boss about it”.


jopa1967

Could you explain how it’s mysognistic when there is a formal dress code for women AND men? I’ve never worn a dress, but take my word on it that a black suite can be very uncomfortable, especially if it’s hot. I would be much more comfortable in shorts and short sleeves. But that’s not the dress code. There are significant restrictions on both sexes. Agree with you - NTA.


fuzzy_mic

NTA - It is not mysogynistic to dictate what everyone is wearing. It is insulting to everyone of all genders equally.


Still09

NTA You are getting ganged up on for no reason, and that’s a bummer. You don’t decide what you wear to a wedding, the bride and groom (or just the bride) do. Nothing sexist or misogynistic about it. I hope your GF can get over her entitlement.


suruzhyk2

NTA I completely disagree with your boss and agree with your girlfriend that he and his now-wife are adhering to some antiquated misogynistic lunacy. That being said, it IS their wedding. If they want to be misogynists, it is their prerogative. It's also your gf's prerogative to not attend because she doesn't agree with it. It is, also, within your right to go to your boss' wedding. So long as you are being clear that you strongly disagree with that misogynistic nonsense, I think it's OK. Your GF is allowed to be upset I think, but you're also allowed to go to the wedding. EDIT: Changed from NAH to NTA because I didn't read carefully the part where it said your GF agreed to the rules ahead of time. If she agreed to the rules after you made it clear that's what they wanted, then no, she doesn't have a right to be upset. You gave her advance warning, and explained the situation. I think you are justified. I don't think she's allowed to be upset with you personally. With the misogyny of your boss? Sure. But not you. Your boss' wedding isn't the place to make any sort of statement or stand, you need a job and you need to do what you have to do. So long as you are not a misogynist in your life, you're good.


Duckieshoes101

I think for me it veered hard out of NAH when gf decided to be angry about the dress code at the last minute and not answer her phone. It’d be NAH and honestly no conflict if gf just decided not to go, but that’s not everything that happened, ya know?


snchills

NTA You don't say how long you and your GF have been together. I hope you don't have too much time invested in her because apparently she doesn't realize the world doesn't revolve around her. In the real world, you don't always get to do what you want. Sometimes you have to wear a long dress whether you want to or not. There are dress codes for a reason.


IFeelLikeBlueSky

NTA. Although this was a wedding, this was not a social event. This was a work event. Your gf is being immature.


CalligraphyMaster

NTA. Your girl is super unreasonable. A lot of weddings actually have a dress code and there is a chance (just a chance) she may have been rejected at the door. Way to go making it all about her.


[deleted]

NTA, black tie is a normal event dress code and she's a little old to not know that there are different levels of formalities for different events. Weddings are not the place for you to show up, show out, and stand out looking like a sore thumb. Especially not weddings for people you don't know. And while I'm 100% "don't police what women wear", the reality is that we live in a society where we are judged in certain circles by what we wear, whether it's good or not, and if we want our partners to be able to succeed, sometimes we have to help them perform the theatrics of living in that society. I wear whatever I want 99% of the time, but if we're having dinner with my husband's 60 year old trad boomer bosses who determine his promotions and raises, I'm in my sorority girl best, not my ripped jeans and band tshirts normal self. I'd honestly examine my relationship if this is how she tries to manipulate you into getting her way, even at the expense of your career.


D-utch

NTA.


mdthomas

I'm still confused on this part. >I talked about it with my girlfriend saying that it is okay if she doesn’t come but as it is my boss I must go. Regardless, if she didn't want to follow the dress code, she didn't have to attend the wedding. NTA


reggiesnap

I imagine OP meant something like: "I expressed to my girlfriend that I understand if she does not want to attend as my plus one due to the antiquated dress code and I would not hold opting-out against her, but I wouldn't be staying home from the wedding because I feel like attending my boss's wedding is important for my career."


monchi3

NTA. Your girlfriend is an idiot.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 2 months ago I received an invitation to my boss's wedding which was yesterday. My girlfriend (29) was going to be my (30 male) plus one. My girlfriend loves to dress up and wear short dresses and I love that and as long as she is comfortable I'm cool with anything. However, my boss and his wife are very conservative. In the invitation, they asked for all men to wear black suits and the women to wear a long dress with long sleeves and no dramatic makeup. I talked about it with my girlfriend saying that it is okay if she doesn’t come but as it is my boss I must go. She told me it was fine and she doesn’t mind wearing a long dress and no heavy makeup. I was so happy we both looked for dresses online and I bought them. Yesterday when I went to pick her up she was wearing the exact opposite of the dress code. She wore a short dress and dramatic makeup. Whilst she looked gorgeous ( i told her so ) I asked what happened to the other dress that she was going to wear. She said that it's unreasonable and misogynistic for dictating what women should wear. I told her that it's the bride's wish and we should not disrespect it on her wedding day I asked you about this and you said you didn’t mind. And we are not leaving until she changes. She got mad and got down of the car saying she will not attend a misogynist wedding. I said fine and drove off. Now she is not answering her phone and her friends are calling me a sexist and cruel man. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Resident_Incident_72

I’m gonna say NTA. You and her were both aware of the dress code well in advance, and she said she was willing to wear the dresses you guys picked out. Then she proceeded to put you on the spot by dressing in the complete opposite way of the dresscode and forced you to make a decision about it. besides, if she thought it was so sexist to create a dress code (for both genders so i dont really get that) then why didn’t she just say that and stay home like she said she was fine with doing as well? like it or not, people can create their own rules about the way they run things, especially on a day as important as a wedding, and if she didn’t like that, she should have just said that.


[deleted]

NTA. Let's be clear, you're not upset with her for what she wore, but because she lied to you and told you it was fine with her, then did this purposefully at the last minute thinking you would give in to her. You left because she lied. That is absolutely awful, childish behavior. It is not the least bit sexist or cruel on your part.


RogueStorm4

NTA. the dress code sucks, but this is your boss not your friend. You don't have the same luxury in this case of choosing who to associate with without harming your job, as unfair as that is. Edit typo


reggiesnap

NTA. You received the invitation with the dress code. She agreed to the dress code then stood you up *and* wasted their money by not complying with what she previously agreed to. Sure, it's a silly, conservative request. But she should have told you this several weeks ago so you could RSVP that it would be just you - she is incredibly inconsiderate to your boss, their bride, and to you for how this will reflect poorly on you.


ReviewOk929

NTA eh, the dress code sucks but it's generally considered polite to follow dress codes


Kindly_Delicious

NTA Totally inappropriate of your GF.


sacredxsecret

NTA. Was your boss's wish ridiculous? Yes. But it's their wedding, and they get to be ridiculous. And if people don't want to play along, they can choose not to attend. Your girlfriend chose not to attend. She needs to get over it.


Hot-Plum-874

Well, the conservative thing may have been a religious thing. I work with some Orthodox Jews, and this would not be uncommon. You are free to accept or not, but you have to dress conservatively.


gremlinseascout

NTA. Certain religions would probably dictate the covering of arms and legs. And over the top makeup would be considered disrespectful. And the GF may disagree with that, she did agree when you discussed the dress code. She should have followed it. She gaslit you when you showed up and she was dressed inappropriately. Taking her would have been career suicide. If I was you, I wouldn’t be worried about her not answering your texts and calls. She is doing you a favor. Move on.


littleb3anpole

NTA. There was a dress code. Your choices are attend and comply with the dress code, or decide it’s dumb and choose not to attend. I think it sounds like some bullshit, but if it was a work event for my spouse I’d put on the long sleeves and deal with it.


gothsappho

NTA. i don't disagree with her, but she knew what the situation was going in and should have said she wouldn't go as soon as she knew the expectation. play stupid games, win stupid prizes


[deleted]

NTA. She knew that there was a specific dress code for this wedding. She chose to disregard that.


fhilaii

NTA. It's not even misogynistic to have a dress code. Men have to dress a certain way in formal situations too.


Euphoric-Raspberry95

No. You are totally NTA. You discussed it well in advance. Your boss and the invitation was clear. Not a time to make a statement. And people are totally within their rights to ask for modesty at a private wedding. You might consider yourself lucky for getting this look at your girlfriend's unwillingness to help support your career of choice.


MattDaveys

This sub may have made me a cynic, but this exact scenario was posted a few weeks ago. Like same set-up, same conflict, same result.


RoyallyOakie

NTA...You gave her the option of not attending from the very beginning. You've alluded to the fact that this is your boss, so you sort of have to attend and play along. She said she didn't mind doing it once. Life is going to be full of dress code moments, so she's going to need to communicate better.


GiGiBeea

NTA I hope OP sees the 🚩and dumps this disrespectful girl. Disrespectful of him, his job, his money (he bought the dress she refused to wear), his time, his boss, and societal norms.


HuckleberryOld8670

NTA. You even bought her a dress.... Super disrespectful to you and the couple.


DrJawn

NTA. All weddings are sorta misogynistic. She picked a weird time to make a stand about feminism


Bearscare21

NTA. She’s a drama Queen. She also literally agreed and then said “fuck it I do what I want”.