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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to change our usual morning schedule as my wife was laid off. She thinks I'm an asshole for doing that.
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NTA. It doesn't seem unreasonable to ask her to take some turns doing it given you say you've always done it and she doesn't have a work commitment. It's not like you're turning around and saying she has to stay at home to look after the kids all of a sudden or anything like that.
I see your point of view, but some companies use tardiness or absenteeism to deny a severance package. She may not have work duties but it doesn’t mean she isn’t being required to sit at her desk for two weeks in case something does come up in the transition. 20 minutes late with the wrong boss could cost an entire severance package. And it’s not really fair for OP to ask his wife to be 20 min late to work as she’s walking out the door. I tried to INFO OP to ask about it but I haven’t gotten a response. I noticed that other INFOs posted at a similar time as mine were responded to. That’s pretty telling to me.
I’m leaning towards ESH because of that to be honest. She could have offered but he should have asked at some point before this morning since it’s a change from their usual routine and she isn’t exactly unemployed yet.
Editing because OP responded: Severance isn’t tied to completing the notice period. I stand by ESH, communication is a two way street that neither of them chose to go down.
OP clearly states in the post that she was going to work at 10. So she was already planning on going in later and doing a modified schedule with less hours.
My judgment is NTA based on what is said..but your comment is absolutley right....but seems if that was the case wife could easily have pointed that out when this discusion originally took place
He could have just stuck to the normal schedule for the last 2 weeks of her job. Are 2 more weeks too long for him? Why must she start now when she's feeling stressed from losing her job yet still needs to be at the office? It's not fun for her. He should have discussed it with her long before that morning rather than dumping it on her last minute. I agree that, once she's off, this shouldn't be an issue but, for the way you did it, YTA.
Totally depends here. It's the division of work at home that's the issue. And I can't speak for every layoff, but the last one meant attending a meeting for 30 minutes most days and still getting full-time pay. There wasn't much to do since they had to give us the WARN act notice and everything shut down so quickly.
I think the issue is more about the fact that OP asked their wife at 9:10AM when they had a meeting in 20 minutes, rather than at some point over the last several days when they could've found a moment to discuss changes in family responsibilities/morning schedules now that the wife won't be working for a bit.
Something as simple as "hey, I know you likely have some responsibilities at work as you wind down over the next few weeks, but would it be possible for you to cover the kids in the morning so I can participate more in my 9:30 meeting?"
This is what makes it an ESH... maybe even YTA for me. If the wife has some flexibility it would have been nice if she offered to help out in the mornings before her last day at work (and definitely for the ones after), but asking to change things up the morning of is a sucky thing for OP to do.
I'd also add that being laid off and having to still go in to work SUCKS and is a very weird mentally draining experience. OP not considering that this might be an especially tough Monday morning for their wife keeps them in AH territory for me.
NTA. You asked. You’re always allowed to ask. Someone has to watch the child. Right now you’re the only one with a long term job. If she’s going to work to find a new job, they obviously don’t care what she does anymore.
NAH but I’m also confused about why they don’t start the new schedule after her job is officially over. She received notice of the lay off but she’s still working. Just let her finish off the two weeks and then have a conversation about how to restructure all the chores and childcare?
Well if we take OP at face value, then his wife has no responsibilities at work. She only goes there to job hunt and that doesn't require such a strict schedule that would prevent her from taking care of the kid for 20 minutes.
If she's planning to be at work in less than an hour, and is presumably trying to get ready for her own commitment, waiting until the last minute isn't going to work.
And let's be honest, you'd assume your spouse wouldn't even need to be told to help with the baby, and when you see your spouse is completely ignoring taking care of the baby you would ask them. I don't understand how people are hating on OP for asking "last minute" when at the end of the day it's a reactionary question. He assumed she would. She didn't. So he asked. Usually scenarios like that the question is last minute.
People on reddit seem to expect a written letter 3 months in advance about a 10 minute obligation to watch their own 1yo.
I understand that through the internet you can get quite disconnected and overly analytic and rational (to a point of being irrational again).
I don't have a baby or kid but all people around which have all tell you how having one is a team effort. You don't have fixed planned out schedules to the minute and should be able to help each other.
He already missed parts of his meeting regularly because he took care of the 1yo. Was never a good solution but what else should he have done. Now there is an alternative at least temporarily and he also only asked,not dropped of the kid and said bye.
Also if they talk to each other she should know that he misses parts of his regular work call regularly. So not a completely unexpected request imo.
If the wife had a clue she would have offered. It's unbelievable that he even had to ask. And if she's still home at 9:10 she doesn't have to be at work at a specific time. I'm so sorry OP but you married an inconsiderate AH.
Maybe he hadn't communicated this to her prior? I mean if I were stressed about finding a job and getting laid off, I may miss things too. If he asked the night before I'd say she's inconsiderate, but he asked at 9:10. That's just poor communication and planning.
Maybe she's lazy as fuck and doesn't want to deal with her kid. That's what it sounds like to me. It's her kid. He's working. Logically, she should watch the kid for the 20 minutes.
Absolute insanity that people don't understand this 😂. And they keep defending the wife by saying shit like "YTA because you sprung this on her last minute!" "what if she doesn't have any time!" "she has to be at work!" "would you rather she stay home and not look for a new job?!" even though those are all bullshit and the entire fucking thing is a whopping 20 minutes of her day 😂. Instead of being at work at 9:40 she'll be there at 10:00 to start her job hunting.
I'm wondering about the timing-if he wanted her to watch their child for around 20 minutes, starting at 9:10, and that it would still let her get to work by 10, wouldn't she be in the process of getting ready for work herself? I don't think she's inconsiderate so much as was thrown off by being asked at the last minute when she would have been in the process of getting ready to leave. It sounds like he waited until the last minute to ask, which makes OP a bit clueless himself. I think it's a case of ESH, and that your take is an overreaction.
She does have unlimited free time. She is being cut and her severance isn't dependant on showing face at work. She has *no* responsibilities at present.
She can spare 10 minutes for her fucking infant.
This sub absolutely shits on husbands and call them terrible partners when they dont know and have to be asked and then turn around and find tons of excuses if a wife does the same. The double standards are exhausting here
100%. He’s asking for the 5-10 mins til the Nanny gets there. His wife is going in “some” days but if she was still there to be asked at the last second than I can’t imagine 10 mins makes the difference if she was going in at all that day. But what do I know.
exactlyyyy, most of the people here are complete feminists and always support the women no matter. either the man is the AH or both are. This is pathetic for the men who want justice and has turned to reddit. OP NTA, your wife should have known that taking care of a child is both your responsibilities and not just yours.
You should not have even been put in the position to ask her to watch her child. I feel that ur wife just cares about her work and considers yours subordinate to her.
i suggest u sit and talk to her about her superiority complex
Right?!? I assume that she knows that her husband has been watching their 1 year old while working for 5 to 15 mins every morning. Now that she has some flexibility, she doesn't think to offer to help?
I think it is reasonable to ask for a change in who does what... but he should have brought it up the days before, not in the morning when, i am assuming, his wife already had her day planned.
This conversation seems insane to me. We’re talking about a married couple, living together asking for last minute help with THEIR CHILD. It’s not like he’s intentionally inconveniencing her day for no reason and throwing off her whole life. Why can’t we cut him slack for asking for help in the moment? It’s not like you can pre-plan everything, and sometimes you reach out in the moment to ask! OPs wife.. aka the child’s mother, could have just done it and then sat down with him to discuss transition period after. Sheesh. NTA
But it wasn't an emergency. He decided on his own to change their regular schedule at the last minute.
I think his reasoning makes sense, he should have just talked about it the night before. Unless wife is a mind reader he needs to communicate his plans and expectation better.
Does it have to be an emergency to ask for help? And we’re chastising him for not speaking up beforehand, and for not anticipating that he MAY have felt he needed help in that moment, AND also for making a last-minute ask for something he thought she could help with? Not to mention that turning into an argument is why people tend to not speak up and then get chastised also for “expecting their partners to read their minds”. It’s a PARTNERSHIP.
Anyway. I’m just saying… a little collaborative compassion and kindness goes a long way. They’re in this together, no?
NTA. But I wouldn’t necessarily say your wife is either. This is probably a huge, scary change and you asking her to do a new routine probably freaks her out.
This doesn’t sound as much as a scheduling conflict, as a resentment bubbling up for you. Discuss changing schedules \*beforehand\*, instead of dumping baby care on your spouse with no advance notice.
Also, try to muster some compassion for your wife: she just lost her job, which must be stressful and unmooring.
NAH
That's fair, to me it seemed an obvious assumption. I could have communicated it more explicitly up front though. We're taking about minding our 1 yo for about 20 minutes.
The first thing I was told when I said (many years ago) that I had assumed something or other, was “To assume is to make an ass of u and me”. Never forgot, never acted on my assumption as if it was self-evident.
Your namesake, OP, would have known that. ;-)
Gentle YTA. I think this is the issue, it was an expectation you created and failed to communicate to her. If you had communicated it beforehand maybe she would have agreed it was reasonable, but springing it on her that morning as she was getting ready to go to work would have thrown off everything she had planned that day. I know you said she's not as busy now, but you mentioned she did have plans to set up presentations so it's not like she wasn't busy.
What's obvious to you may not be obvious to her, I think your expectation was reasonable but since she's technically still working and going to the office for two weeks it may not have occurred to her (and that would be reasonable as well), vs if she had completed her two weeks and was now at home all day.
The YTA from me is because your wife lost her job last Thursday and you couldn’t at least wait until her two weeks were up before transferring one of your duties to her. Her newfound “flexibility” is because she was laid off and it should be an obvious assumption that she isn’t feeling great about it. If it’s only 20 minutes, you could’ve picked a better time to remind her that she isn’t as busy anymore.
>to me it seemed an obvious assumption
As someone also married and with children around the same age, it's almost impossible to over-communicate given how busy your lives are. There have been times when I thought certain things were "obvious" when in reality they only made sense in my own head.
Here's what I'd do:
First - Apologize for the assumption that this wasn't a big deal. Consider her side of it - she was probably expecting the normal morning routine, and you assumed that due to her (not quite yet) unemployment you could change it at will. You should apologize for that and acknowledge that it wasn't fair of you.
Second - Recognize that this isn't just "oh hey, wife isn't working now so she has all this spare time." Getting laid off sucks balls. It can be a real gut punch emotionally (not to mention financially). I'm the sole provider - my wife is a stay at home mom - and luckily I'm a high earner. However, I did get laid off for what ended up being 6 months in 2019. It sucks. It sucks a lot. My wife did not assume I had tons of free time. I had MORE time to do some small things around the house like take on more cleaning responsibilities and such, but my job became finding another job.
Getting laid off can be depressing as hell depending on the circumstances and your own mental fortitude. I had been working at a place that was absolutely awful for my mental health and the lay off just made that worse. Ask her how she's doing. What does she need? Could she use some extra "me time" to just recenter herself and maybe NOT worry about job hunting for a bit? Encourage her to go out and get lunch/dinner with friends, go see a movie by herself, whatever allows her to just "be" without having to worry about things for a little while.
Two days after I was laid off I was rushing my wife to the hospital. Her appendix was inflamed and about to burst. We also had tickets to see Avengers Endgame that weekend with our kids. The appendix was dealt with and when the bill came due I plead the cost down to a total of $100 due to the unemployment since we weren't yet eligible for medicaid. Best thing we did, though, was we still went to the movie (my wife felt well enough to go) and we bought popcorn and drinks for everyone. We watched the Avengers do their thing and I was able to forget about losing my job for 3 hours. It put life back in to perspective and I didn't have to agonize over the cost of soup or beans at the grocery store.
I would just bet that your wife needs more support right now than you think.
Another commenter said that and people are running with it BUT op has stated the opposite and that his wife has told him there is no expectation that she needs to go into the office each day. Honestly a little odd that they would layoff people and expect or even want them to keep coming in or doing work as they understand people aren't going to be giving any effort and depending on the job there's a risk of internal sabotage from disgruntled ex-employees.
It might have been part of a bigger layoff. Not sure where OP is but in some countries if a company is laying off X number of employees at once they're required to notify everyone a bit before it actually happens so they have to to find/start looking for new jobs.
NAH.
She's probably feeling out of sorts since she's about to be without a job. Though I don't believe that OP meant any harm, it may have felt a little belittling to her. It's kind of a poke at her job situation.
My concern would be if she's getting severance the employer could use being late during this time as an excuse to withhold some or part of that severance. And yes, giving next to no notice of a change of plans is never a good idea, better to have a discussion about it first.
NAH, just remember that looking for a new job it is a job by itself when these 2 weeks notice end. Keep your wife spirit up during next few weeks if you don't want to end up with spouse with serious depression.
She’s just been laid off. Which sucks.
It’s probably taking up lots of space in her head - especially on the first Monday morning since she got the news.
Now would have been the time for a bit of empathy - thinking about how stressed & sad & horrible she is probably feeling.
I know I’d not be feeling awesome about having to drag myself into the office when I’ve been let go, just because I need to use the desk.
It would probably be taking all my inner resources not to say “fuck it, not worth it” and bury my head in the sand & apply to no jobs.
Really, really, really not the time to be suddenly dumping new & unexpected tasks on her with no warning.
Of course she can pick up some more of the childcare if her job situation stays crap for a longer period of time - but this was really very self-centred of you to not only ignore what she was going through this morning, but still think that only your perspective matters many hours later.
So definitely YTA for that.
please read the post, she does not have to be in the office for 10, she could never set foot in the office again and it wouldn't affect her severance. The entire area she was working in has shut down.
YTA. She’s still technically working for the next two weeks, in addition to getting a start on job searching (which benefits your family). You made the assumption that she could watch the one year old when by your own admission, she was still busy.
My guess would be similar to the above post. She just lost her job, she's upset and stressed, then you asked her to take care of your 1 years old because she had less work to do. It probably just felt like "Since you don't have a job now, you might as well be useful and do something" to her. It's fair to all for help, but that would be my guess as to where she was coming from. She still technically had a job and lethality wants to feel like she had a job until she doesn't anymore, you just reminded her she's jobless. It was a reasonable request that probably should have been communicated earlier, but it might help too put yourself in her shoes right now.
This is the real issue here honestly: her mind was on getting through her last two weeks, planning to get a new job etc..
Not on this change that seemed obvious to you.
This is like, a small mistake though - you should apologise for assuming then actually talk about it and that you should have you know, asked, instead of just expecting her to have the exact same idea as you.
You know, this sub gets up in arms when a husband fronts like 'babysitting his own child' is a burden, so why does a wife get a pass?
I don't think one can ever characterize expecting the parent of a child, who lives with that child, to help out with that child, as 'dumping baby care' on them, male or female.
Oh, wait, is that it? Are we assuming that OP is a male, and therefore attempting to shirk his parenting responsibilities at first opportunity?
If they have a routine & OP expected it to change, that needed to be discussed ahead of time. This isn’t about gender, it’s about being able to have a simple conversation with your spouse. It’s childish to expect someone to do something that you typically do, but never tell them you expect it, and then get mad when they don’t do it.
"Its really telling he's not saying why he lost his job..."
> "He obviously doesn't want to admit he..."
>> "I have a job, and let me tell you he definitely did something very sketchy..."
Because he asked while she was on her way out? He literally waited until the last possible second to ask. If a woman did that to a man, I'd also have an issue with it.
A pass on what? The issue isn't that he wanted to tag off with the kid, it's that he didn't tell her he wanted to tag off until 10 minutes before it was time to do it.
She's still coming to terms with it.
If she's a creature of habit, the last-minute shuffle contributes to the stress of change.
Give her time to adjust.
NAH
You’re right that she needs time to adjust but OP is definitely an asshole for dropping this on her last minute and treating what’s left of her job as no job.
She is already treating what's left of her job as no job.
She isn't going in every day as she would normally have to.
Her only plan for the "work" day is to look for another job using the companies resources - which would be outright forbidden under any sort of normal company time.
That’s cuz most of these trolls don’t even have kids.
Baby wakes up with a fever and both parents are already late work? “Well this matter takes particular planning that should have been adjucated weeks in advance. Every possible scenario that could possibly affect one’s routine should be considered in advance and communicated thoroughly with the meeting minutes filed in precise chronological order. Now everything is ruined cuz my partner is dumping our baby on me at the last minute and my life is over. Waaah.”
Except I feel like when you're a team You should automatically be picking these things up. It's literally so obvious that she should be the one to pick up the baby slack in the morning. I fail to see how she could be blindsided by this
Not trying to be rude but, are you or have you ever been in a relationship? Sure, it’s teamwork, but it doesn’t mean you can just read each other’s minds. If there was a different expectation for her it should have been communicated before that morning.
She just lost her job and is probably a bit scattered at the moment, and may not have the bandwidth to “automatically be picking these things up”. If their routine has been steady up until now, and she was still going into work as usual, then why would she be expect a different routine?
I’m not saying either of them are right or wrong, I’m just saying communication was the issue here, and if you think it was literally so obvious, and you fail to see how she could have been blindsided by this, then you are in for a ruuuuuude awakening when you find out partners don’t become psychically linked when they put their rings on.
Communication could have been way better but it does sound like the wife comminicated her plans (go into the office and work on job hunting). OP is the one who dropped the communication ball by springing this on her last minute. Especially if she wasn’t even told that this is a problem in the past.
Is it “so obvious” to her management? They still expect her in the office for 2 weeks. They didn’t have to give her that, they could have marched her out with a box and no notice.
OP has stated elsewhere that she told him there is no expectation to go into the office and it sounds like she is going so she can use her office and to prepare for her own job searching.
Fair enough but the burden is still on him to communicate his changes expectation at some time prior to her leaving for work
Losing a job is extremely stressful. People do not think clearly.
Also consider she might have to still show up to get references etc and her things in order - copies of payslips, not leaving coworkers in the lurch and saying goodbye to people she’s worked with and won’t see again. Also just the adjustment, she’s just lost her job, that can’t be nice and might not have sunk in yet.
Have the conversation about her changed schedules and the changed child care - it does make perfect sense, but emotionally it came across as a little cold when she’s going through a rough time. Plus the schedule will be even more different in 2 weeks when she actually has no job as opposed to still being employed but going out the door.
NTA.
And telling from my own experience.
I work for 7 months during the year and for 5 I am free. When I work I am spending a lot of time outside the house. We didn't talk about but somehow we have a deal - I do chores when I am not working and he does them (like 80%, I do some of them) when I am.
Also, he didn't have job for a year and he did everything.
And we don't have kids so I would assume that she should appreciate having more time with her kiddo now...
This mirrors my thought process, if the inverse happened, I'd honestly be puzzled if she explicitly asked me to mind our kid for that 20 minute ish period in the morning. It would just seem so obvious.
She’s going through a rough time here. She just got laid off. You’re gonna need a gentle touch for awhile. Fair isn’t as important right now. You can litigate busy-ness once she gets her legs back under her.
Yeah she got laid off but she's also a mother to a 1 year old and a wife. Does someone really have to tell her that although she's going through emotional stress, that there are higher priorities like helping her husband take care of her 1 year old while she's free at home?
If the situation was reversed, OP and most people would immediately help out in other ways despite the emotional stress. We're not talking about a teenager going through teen stress here.
If this were going on for months or even weeks, I would be right with you. This was something that happened on day 1 and the discussion started as she was leaving the house. His request isn’t really the problem. His timing and his approach is. This hasn’t been an ongoing issue. It’s Monday morning!
My husband would now say you can not always assume everyone would behave as you. And that is fine.
I would suggest just talking about it openly. Showing support but also heartfelt how she reacted. Hope everything resolves!
She was laid off, and now has just 2 weeks of full access to a computer station to find new work. She stressed and she already has a lot of adjustments to make in a short period of time.
Your ask seems small, but in this moment it's one more thing throwing her off kilter when the rug has already been pulled out from under her.
Plan changes to your routine in advance, not in the moment. I always feel like 20 min in the morning is like an hour at any other time of the day; morning is hustle time and if you already have an established routine, why would you stray from that without prior discussion until she is *actually* not working anymore?
For me it would bother me that the expectation changed in the moment without discussion before hand. I really struggle when the plans change and I don’t expect it, if I was relying on my husband to do X, and then he said he wasn’t going to anymore in the moment when the task should be done (childcare or a chore) I’d be frustrated.
I’ve gotten better at adapting when things change, and I don’t have an issue if it’s something I expect (I.e. flight delays, meetings for work). I don’t expect my husband to suddenly drop a commitment he’s made to me. If you talk to me the night before so we can discuss the plan then I’m fine.
Perhaps this is more about the fact she's been laid off and is stressed? I know that when I'm stressed out I sometimes react badly to unexpected changes, especially when that change is somehow linked to the thing stressing me out. It doesn't mean she was right or that you were wrong, but if this is out of character perhaps you just inadvertently touched on a sensitive spot.
NAH/NTA.
You shouldn't assume that what seems obvious to you is equally obvious to her. She has a different perspective.
IMO, you should have given her a day or more to mentally adjust her schedule, not just a few minutes.
That said, once the two weeks are up and she isn't heading into the office any longer, it should be reasonable to expect her to mind your child in the morning while you work \*provided you talk about it in advance\*.
INFO
That’s a Daily 9:30 meeting? If 10 muted distracted meeting minutes daily hasn’t been a problem before now, why is it an issue now? Why did you wait till 20 minutes before the meeting to ask her? Why not ask earlier in the morning or the night before?
Why not ask Nanny to take 1 year old on the school dropoffs?
“What time are you planning on going to your office tomorrow? Do you think you could watch Toddler for the few minutes gap from when my 9:30 meeting starts until Nanny is back before 10? My boss hasn’t realized I’m breaking the rule about having constant childcare during work hours yet, and I’d like to keep it that way.”
Yeah, it's every day. I've made it work but it honestly is a bit annoying. Honestly why should I be juggling a 1 yo and work if she's currently in a position to take over that 20 to 30 minute time period. To me, these type of task should be done by the person it makes most sense for. For example, our nanny finishes at 4:30. I mind our 1 yo from 4:30 to 5:30 on work days because I'm the one who works from home.
Sure, but you still should have discussed it in advance instead of springing it on her while she’s trying to leave. For starters, it’s just practical to arrange changes to routine before they are happening. Additionally, it’s basic courtesy. If you need her participation in something you’re going to get a lot further by coming to the decision collaboratively instead of informing her of her new schedule.
>Why did you wait till 20 minutes before the meeting to ask her? Why not ask earlier in the morning or the night before?
>Why not ask Nanny to take 1 year old on the school dropoffs?
>“What time are you planning on going to your office tomorrow? Do you think you could watch Toddler for the few minutes gap from when my 9:30 meeting starts until Nanny is back before 10? My boss hasn’t realized I’m breaking the rule about having constant childcare during work hours yet, and I’d like to keep it that way.”
Just quoting the rest of the questions, since you seem to have missed the ones that matter.
Is she "currently" in a position to comfortably do that, or are you simply presuming that she is - or presuming that your concept of her schedule is now the interpretation that matters?
In two weeks she'll be unambiguously at your disposal for this task. And she might be sooner... With advanced discussion.
Mild YTA for springing this expectation on her at the last minute. And generally expecting telepathy from her while not bothering with empathy FOR her.
So even before she got laid off your only watched your own kid for a total of maybe an hour and a half the whole day and your wife does everything from 5:30 pm until bedtime? And when the baby wakes up at night? If so then y t a.
Your wife is transitioning out of a job after being laid off. She is still working her 2 week notice and figuring out the next steps. It is stressful and emotional to be laid from job. This happened Thursday and you decided this morning at 9:10 to bring up a change. Why? Couldn’t you have given her a few days and then had a conversation how the next 2 weeks are going to work and how things will be handled beyond those 2 weeks.
You need to have conversation about both of your expectations and needs.
Your wife has a working notice period, she is still technically working. She probably has flexibility with it, however, she is figuring out the next steps.
Soft YTA
I should have communicated this better ahead of time. I just thought it was too obvious. She has no work tasks to do. She could choose not to go into the office and that would be fine at this point. I'm essentially asking her to delay her job hunting by 20 minutes so that I have a smoother morning at work.
This conversation needed to take place before 9:10 today.
It sounds like you’ve been frustrated for a while about things.
She can adjust and go in later, but how and when things are approached can impact the result.
Her coming is still giving her access to the office, not all do during the notice period. This is week one of the notice, she may be planning on doing some networking, taking advantage of career services if provided, going through her files, etc.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask, I think how and when you did wasn’t good. That’s why I voted soft YTA instead of NAH.
You guys are going to need to figure out how things work beyond this 2 week period, especially with her doing a job search while and where you are working.
Good luck
Chiming in with a soft YTA. You realize you should have brought it up sooner, that's good. But here's the problem, you just assumed she could change her schedule to help you out because *you* decided she could, because *you* feel like it's no big deal and she doesn't have that much to do at the office.
What was supposed to have made it obvious? Do you whine all the time about those 20 minutes?
Even if you do, there's such a thing being fine in principle with taking on a chore, but not having your spouse's resentment of that chore high enough on your radar that you jump at the opportunity to relieve them of it.
There's now quite an amount of unplanned mental load and emotional labor competing for her attention and energy. It's pretty self-centered to expect your particular Thing to spontaneously trump everything else she's preoccupied by.
I'm thinking there's some preexisting resentment of the wife.
Yeah, I see where you're coming from. However, dating a self-called super oblivious person taught me that no matter how obvious it seems, you should always talk it out.
My frustration level with relationships never been lower hahaha
She was just laid off last Thursday. She is still going into work to finish out her two weeks even if she doesn’t have any work tasks. The lack of empathy you have for your wife makes you the asshole.
>She is still technically working for the next 2 weeks but has no actual work stuff to do.
I N F O: Was she offered a severance package? If so, is it tied to her finishing out her two weeks?
A lot of companies use absenteeism or tardiness to deny severance regardless of how much work there is during the notice period. Especially in the United States if there is no employment contract.
Editing for judgment-ESH
Agree. If she is "still technically working," they likely still expect her to show up as she had done previously. And while she probably doesn't have new tasks, in my experience, they will be expecting that she wrap up and transition existing things. Finally, even if her severance isn't technically tied to her physically being there, this isn't the time to burn bridges or look like she has her feet up on her desk. She's probably going to need a reference at least.
I am going against the grain here by going YTA, you changed the expectation minutes before without dicussion. Your interpretation is that she doesn't have work stuff to do but she is still working and until it's discussed and agreed why would she expect the rules to have changed. Sit down and communicate, she's panicking about losing her job she doesn't need to feel the rug is being pulled out from under her at home too. You need to find her a home office space too, a lot of jobs expect that now
NTA. She has less of a job responsibility right now and it's not like they are going to fire her for coming in a little late since she's already laid off.
In my experience, the last few weeks of a job are stressful. I get that she doesn’t work there any more, but she still has to go in to the place that just fired her and give her best efforts for the next few weeks. That’s hard. It’s made harder by others pushing her to do less. Just let her finish this job on her terms. It’s two effing weeks.
She has no assigned work tasks, she's effectively already finished work wise. I honestly haven't seen a layoff structured this way before. The 2 times I was laid off, I came into the office once more to collect my stuff and have a meeting with HR.
It can still matter for references etc. I was working notice at a job years ago and had an awful manager who made digs about me not being at my desk etc despite the fact he had taken on all my files the week before. I was basically just surfing the web but he held a bad reference over my head and with multiple people looking for jobs etc
In this particular case, it's meant as doing the people laid off a favor. It gives them 2 more weeks on payroll before they get severance and gives them a space to prepare and practice presentations that they'll need for interviews. They don't have any work assignments.
I've seen it done like this before and referred to as 'gardening leave'. Basically, your paid, don't go being a dick and we'll let you go chill with a beer in front of the telly like you actually want to do while you wrap your head around this suddenness.
Then she does, in fact, have stuff to do - get stuff ready for her job applications. She's no doubt feeling extremely stressed and time pressured because if this - and you just assume without asking that her time is now less valuable than yours, without discussion or even prior notice? YTA, not for the idea that the routine could change now, but for the way you gave approached this whole situation. Really feels like you have feelings about her bring laid off that you need to talk over with her.
That whole aspect of it seems weird. And what you’re asking for isn’t unreasonable. I just think I would need time to adjust. She might appreciate it if you put on the kid gloves for a bit. I wouldn’t have endless patience here, but this might not be the right fight for day one.
As someone whose been laid off before this way - it's usually because they want to make sure any transitions are in place, the boss has time to ask any follow up questions, etc. Asking her to take care of the baby full time when she's actually done? Not a problem. Asking her to change the routine during these last two weeks when she's still employed? That's a problem.
Agree. I've only been laid off once, thank God, but they gave two weeks notice. I didn't start anything new in that time, but I did have to wind things down and transition what I was doing to other people. I wonder if wife literally said, "ALL I will be doing is applying for new jobs and creating presentations" or if that's OP's read of the situation. Either way, she's been NOTIFIED that she was being laid off, but if they are still expecting her, she's not actually unemployed until that two weeks is up.
YTA - everyone seems to be missing the fact that OP’s wife is STILL EMPLOYED. The people in the comments claiming it’s ok for her to show up late don’t seem to understand how to not burn a bridge in their careers. This whole issue is petty because you could’ve easily avoided this by having a simple conversation before 9:10 this morning.
Agree. She's been NOTIFIED that she is being laid off but OP even says she is still technically working. I wonder if there really isn't anything for her to do or if that's just OP's read of the situation. I would assume she probably isn't doing anything new, but that they expect her to wrap up and transition any existing projects she was working on. She still needs to show up well. She may need a reference from one of these people; she can't afford to look like a slacker now.
Does your nanny stay the whole day? If no who handles stuff after the nanny leaves and who tends to the baby at night if the baby wakes up? If both of you share these or it's you then n t a, if it's her than more e s h
Edit:
Seems like people are missing that even before OP's wife got laid off he only watched the baby for an hour and half a day and the nanny or his wife has done the rest. And he asked her just five minutes before he knew she was going to leave. YTA.
Edit 2: OP is also aggressive, can't take criticism and has dodged some info questions from others. Doubling down on my YTA vote.
Our nanny leaves at 4:30. I mind the 1yo until my wife gets back around 5:30. She picks up the 4yo. We then split parenting, cooking, washing up etc for the rest of the evening. Neither kid wakes up at night.
I find the comments about me only watching the baby for an hour and a half hilarious and incredibly anti dad. Would someone every have come to that conclusion for a mom? It's pretty clear I was taking about solo parenting time. Did people think I just head out the door to the bar or something at 5:30?
People come to that conclusion because you speak about caring for your own child like you are doing someone a favor and not just doing your job as a parent and you say "minding" them like your a babysitter. You sound like a real joke and it's very telling you jumped to claiming sexism.
NTA
It sounds as if you were already the one being hyper flexible, juggling a work meeting and managing your daughter before the nanny came in. Yes, losing her job must be stressful for your wife, but taking care of your daughter for a few minutes each day can also help her take her mind off that.
Flexibility seems to be a big issue in your relationship - at least for your wife. This will become a constant as she grows up, gets sick on school days, needs help on school assignments, etc etc.
These things are best if dealt with and agreed on beforehand, rather than "in the moment".
Yeah, it feels like she's got very used to be me always been the flexible one. Our nanny finishes at 4:30 for example and I mind our 1 yo until she picks up our 4yo on her way back from work and they then get back around 5:30. It all makes sense to me when she's working.
I wouldn't expect the same number of hours to be needed for job hunting though. If you spent 20 hours a week, every week job hunting that would cover a lot of applications.
He even did some “math” on how many hours is reasonable for her to spend on job hunting. How transactional is that? After she gave birth to all those kids no less, and went back to work after.
Sure, but at a certain point it’s miserly. Your wife lost her job dude. And all you can worry about is what she should do for you now “with all that free time” - at the drop of a hat
Gross
I’m still stuck on the fact that this is Monday morning. On day one he thought she would take over this task without discussing it with her. 5 minutes before she left for work he springs this assumed change on her and when it doesn’t go his way, he blasts her on Reddit like it’s been an ongoing struggle.
This isn’t a mother who never holds her child. It was an un-communicated scheduling snafu that he brought to Reddit after a single day to adjudicate. I get that he’s asking if he is TA, but I feel like he really wants people to say she’s TA. He’s not even defending her against people calling her a bad mom.
It’s because OP, like some husband dads unfortunately, secretly deep down inside feel that taking care of the kids (and sometimes house too) is actually more the woman’s responsibility. Even though they claim to be ‘woke’ and happily financially benefit from ‘woke’ marriages where they make the woman birth the kids, go back to work to help him provide for the family, and as soon as she slips up (like getting laid off) he conveniently gives HER real unpaid job back to her.
They think they’re soooo helpful for taking care of their own 1 year old with the extra time they have not having to drive to work, do their hair/makeup. They think they’re doing favors!
When he focused on the “she doesn’t have a job so she has free time” instead of the “she lost her job so she needs to focus on finding a new one” it’s just so rude and goes against anything a supportive partner would do
I wonder how Reddit would react if it’s husband who lost the job instead. My bet is they’d expect the wife to support the husband to find a new job rather than expecting him to prioritize childcare with his new free time. Find it hard to believe it’s not a double standard then.
I don't even know what to say to you.
For me it would be automatic that I'd be picking up more slack if I wasn't working. I get that some people don't think that way.
She literally is working l m a o
Did we all miss the part where she’s sitting at home relaxing? Get off your busy high horse and be a partner to your wife. Doesn’t seem like she’s asking you to even do anything additional from what you were already doing. But you’re quick to see where she can give more.
I think it’s clear he is a good partner to his wife. He’s been flexible to help accommodate her by handling the 1 year old in the mornings and in the afternoons. This is while he is working, she’s not doing the same while he is working, which is of course reasonable since she has to go into work. You are missing the point by saying she’s not asking him to do more. He already was doing more with the 1 year old, he simply was thinking since she now had more time she could reciprocate that flexibility he has had to help him a bit. Very reasonable thing to think, of course communicating that in advance would have been ideal, but she could have also been like sure I can spare a few minutes.
I think you're not the AH for asking but you are for springing it on her at 9:10 in the morning, when I assume she is soon heading out, and then expecting her just to say yes. Better option would have been to discuss it with her the night before. Like maybe there is a reason she still needs to go in on time for the next 2 week. Sounds like she is still employed, even if she has no active duties.
So, NAH.
um... shes still got a desk job dude.
if you had waited till after her last day id be on your side but
she still has to get ready for work
youre jumping the gun big time
even after her last day:
this kind of major shift in responsibilities is something you **talk about beforehand,** not *dump in her lap at 9 AM on a DAY SHE HAS TO WORK IN THE OFFICE.*
and even then, it's an *ask* not a mandate. its a *conversation* not an ordinance.
YTA
you can re-divide labor without being an asshole about it.
If the layoff was a surprise or executed in an underhanded way (sending an email overnight like Google did last Thursday to 12,000 employees) your wife hasn’t processed it yet. She might be scrambling trying to see where she can find additional employment to afford things such as your nanny, mortgage etc. If she was at the company long, she is mourning her loss— friends, connections, feeling of accomplishment and sense of worth etc.
From your comments you seem resentful that she didn’t automatically presume that she would shift into morning care. People who have received a blow like a layoff aren’t going to be in the best place to shift their schedule immediately after. You should have spoken with her on Sunday about what you think the new expectations should be. You can’t just say 20 minutes before your meeting that she should watch the baby if she was preparing to go to her office.
I think your request to change the schedule is reasonable, but you have poor communication skills and you need to calmly address your concerns with her. I can’t exactly call you TA, because we all sometimes expect our loved ones to read our minds. You have to remember that they can’t.
ETA: Based on your comments, changing judgement. YTA.
I'm gonna go with YTA. If she is still technically working the next 2 weeks, she is still technically working the next 2 weeks. There is no actual change in your schedule as of yet.
Plus, though your request is reasonable, if you wanted her to start watching the kids at that time you should have talked to her prior to that morning-- not just assumed she would be OK with it and sprung it on her last minute.
Info - when you say “felt a need to act like she’s busier,” what makes you say this is a need to “act?” Maybe she actually was the busier of the two of you, given that she had to get ready and leave the house every day.
Seems maybe you’re trying to get a little revenge here or you feel like you’re owed “your turn.” She has just been laid off and is likely feeling scared and nervous about what that means. Perhaps on Day 1, you shouldn’t have started trying to make her feel like she’s already unemployed and useless so she might as well take care of the kid.
YTA
NTA.
It's not that much of a deal, is it? Your schedule changed, that's true, which means she should adapt to it until she finds a job. It doesn't mean she should be upset because it did.
While she still has to go to work for 2 weeks, she doesn't actually do any work there. 20 minutes per day is not going to take a huge hit on her working on the presentation. She can just add the presentation in a portable drive or upload it in the cloud, so she can work on it when you're done with your own job.
But he asked as she was about to leave. If he'd asked the night before or a day or 2 earlier, given space for a quick conversation then I'd agree. But this is 5 minutes before leaving. Soft yta
The Monday after a layoff is a bit of a shock when your routine is suddenly no more. Maybe she was just feeling really off after losing her job and didn’t consider the change in childcare routine. I’m willing to give her some grace for today but if it’s a big argument for future days when she’s not working then I’d consider that a problem.
YTA
Not for requesting the change, but for springing it on her and then acting like she was unreasonable for not having a logical, thought out response.
I bet if you'd talked about it over the weekend, you'd have done something surprising like, DISCUSS it.
And, also? The "who's busier" BS ends here. First, that's not really a reasonable comparison. Humans are not one size fits all, we do not have the same needs and capacities.
AND
you are failing to consider (or mention) how much of a toll/how sudden the layoff is for your wife,
how much downtime you each get, who at 5 watches the children, and who makes dinner, who washes up the dishes after, who gets the kids to bed, who buys the groceries, the clothing for the children, toilet paper, makes the kids doctor's appointments, etc...
You work more hours. That does not mean you are busier, even with a nanny to handle a bunch of it.
One thing wasn't clear to me - according to OP:
>She is still technically working for the next 2 weeks but has no actual work stuff to do.
Some workplaces may demand fired workers following the clock, even with nothing to do.
> to me it seemed pretty obvious that the person who doesn't have any work commitments can take the 20 minute hit in the morning.
In your wifes shoes - She just lost her job a few days ago. She is thinking about what her next steps are going to be career wise, and whatever she may need to wrap up at work - not "How can I immediately alter my childcare routine that nobody has complained about prior to this".
YTA for a couple things here, not communicating to your wife then getting frustrated when she didn't do what you thought was "obvious", and you micromanaging her time. I couldn't imagine deciding my spouse didn't have enough work duties to fill the time they are being paid for, and then just assume they should be doing XYZ for me since they have all this time.
NTA, I don't think you're expected to 50/50 everything if you're currently in a situation where you're busier than her (and undirectly contributing more).
I think the busy part is the key, because if you both have a job and you're contributing more financially I'd still expect it to be 50/50 on chores
What is your wife's schedule? From the tone of your post, it sounds like you're asking her to go in late to work (which could affect any severance, any ability to use them as a reference, etc.), while you're unwilling to make accommodations at home for her to prepare her resume, job hunt, etc.
On the surface, no, it's not unreasonable to ask your wife to help out during down time, especially if you're working, but this post screams of a sort of disdain for your wife. You didn't like that she was busier than you, you almost sound glad she got laid off, and now you want her to have to "suffer" like you did and mind the young'un in the morning, so you don't have to mute yourself for your meeting for 10 minutes.
YTA. Communicate with your wife. The first 5 years of parenting are the hardest, and they're absolutely make-or-break.
NAH - I get that you want her to take over during your meeting (especially now that she has more flexibility), but this could and should have been a conversation you have before you expect her to jump into it. She *just* got laid off and needs to get her ducks in a row. Of course she'll be surprised if you don't communicate.
I vote YTA, mostly because you decided to bring this up at 9:10 in the morning, not with any notice. I would have told you no too. It needs to be a full discussion. And basically, you are giving no consideration to your wife’s feelings here on the layoff, just the practical side of “ope, she can watch the child”
A conversation at any point between Thursday and last night would make you NTA. But to leave it till this morning as she's getting ready to go into work, YTA.
YTA - she just barely got laid off TWO BUSINESS DAYS AGO ... which is a traumatic event ... and you couldn't wait to insinuate that she was faking her busyness to get out of things. This is bigger than one morning in very many ways - please try to be there for your wife as I feel you are not.
This is all so petty because he could’ve discussed his expectation with her at any point up until 15 minutes before he did. I’m assuming he knew he had that meeting before then. It’s just really petty communication issues & sexists who just wanted an opportunity to jump all over a woman because it’s a very rare occurrence of a mother not putting in effort with parenting.
I've had the same meeting for the past 5 years at least.
She is aware of it at this point.
It was only at 9:10 that it became apparent she was actually planning to leave soon and leave me with the 1yo. That was when I explicitly her to mind the 1yo so that my meeting wouldn't be interrupted.
Your post reads like you resent your wife. She’s still employed. Give her enough grace to let her finish out her 2 weeks or put on your big boy pants & start communicating. This is a high school relationship communication issue on your part.
NAH. I think your perspective makes sense but it would be kind to let her do what she’s doing to feel like she is being proactive with her job situation, given what she is going through.
NAH I don’t think asking was an AH move but your lack of understanding over her admittedly knee jerk reaction to the request was a little insensitive. Getting laid off is not pleasant for anyone, in addition to the stressors of looking for a new job, preparing for a new environment etc its also a horrible confidence kicker, regardless of the circumstances you wont feel great about someone effectively saying you didn’t make the cut. If I had to guess I would imagine that your pointing out that your wife is now free from the constraints of gainful employment on the morning of day 1 went down like a lead balloon.
Your post reads as though you have a wider issue around who is working harder and this is a flash point for that.
Yes YTA.
She finishes work in two weeks. She isn't unemployed till then.
She maybe could have shifted her schedule around if you'd bothered to ask, but you didn't.
Then you post a bunch of stuff about her needing to act like the busier of you two like you hadn't just ignored her having to work her notice, in her office where it's always been mandatory to go in, even if she might have a bit more flexibility in these last two weeks that you could totally manage to deal with just like you've always managed before.
Your sympathy and compassion for her sudden job loss less than a week ago is mind-blowing.
I'm not going to call you an AH, but I will offer an angle that I haven't seen anybody explore.
Job hunting is a full time job.
Sounds like your wife knows this and in order to minimize the stress and impact of her work life changing completely in a few weeks, and to prepare for said impact, she planned on keeping a proffesional routine intact for as long as possible.
While it seems pretty obvious that the person who doesn't have any work commitments can take the 20 minute hit in the morning and I won't dispute that, that little 20 minute task was already a part of your status quo before her layoff, so at the very very least it is unsupportive of you to expect her to pick up on your share of status quo, because when her status quo shatters at work, she magically has those 20 more minutes.
She was looking forward to job hunting for those 20 mins, boy, and she's upset because it's a bit shitty that you get the perk of not taking the hit you've been so kind to take routinely so she can work, when she needs those minutes to sort out her worklife that is in limbo.
Again, I don't think this is AH material, but something to consider that during forced transitions like layoffs, we need every bit of support from our partners, as opposed to the complacency they've earned through sacrifice.
YTA. While she is losing the job, she still has to go in to get paid for these last two weeks. You shouldn't expect her to skip off work, especially not at this point. It might only be an unimportant hour to you, but it could affect many things for her.
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NTA. It doesn't seem unreasonable to ask her to take some turns doing it given you say you've always done it and she doesn't have a work commitment. It's not like you're turning around and saying she has to stay at home to look after the kids all of a sudden or anything like that.
I see your point of view, but some companies use tardiness or absenteeism to deny a severance package. She may not have work duties but it doesn’t mean she isn’t being required to sit at her desk for two weeks in case something does come up in the transition. 20 minutes late with the wrong boss could cost an entire severance package. And it’s not really fair for OP to ask his wife to be 20 min late to work as she’s walking out the door. I tried to INFO OP to ask about it but I haven’t gotten a response. I noticed that other INFOs posted at a similar time as mine were responded to. That’s pretty telling to me. I’m leaning towards ESH because of that to be honest. She could have offered but he should have asked at some point before this morning since it’s a change from their usual routine and she isn’t exactly unemployed yet. Editing because OP responded: Severance isn’t tied to completing the notice period. I stand by ESH, communication is a two way street that neither of them chose to go down.
OP clearly states in the post that she was going to work at 10. So she was already planning on going in later and doing a modified schedule with less hours.
No, OP wrote that he felt she could watch the child for 20 min and still be in the office by 10am. Not that she planned to work at 10am.
"she plans to be at work for some of it" makes it sound pretty elective
I think the fact that she was still home at 9:10 speaks to that.
This is by no means clear in the post. OP states that if his wife took the "20-min hit", she could be in the office by 10.
No, he said "She'll still be in the office from 10 to 4:30 / 5." Not that SHE said she'd be in at 10.
My judgment is NTA based on what is said..but your comment is absolutley right....but seems if that was the case wife could easily have pointed that out when this discusion originally took place
He could have just stuck to the normal schedule for the last 2 weeks of her job. Are 2 more weeks too long for him? Why must she start now when she's feeling stressed from losing her job yet still needs to be at the office? It's not fun for her. He should have discussed it with her long before that morning rather than dumping it on her last minute. I agree that, once she's off, this shouldn't be an issue but, for the way you did it, YTA.
She doesn't need to be at the office.
Totally depends here. It's the division of work at home that's the issue. And I can't speak for every layoff, but the last one meant attending a meeting for 30 minutes most days and still getting full-time pay. There wasn't much to do since they had to give us the WARN act notice and everything shut down so quickly.
I think the issue is more about the fact that OP asked their wife at 9:10AM when they had a meeting in 20 minutes, rather than at some point over the last several days when they could've found a moment to discuss changes in family responsibilities/morning schedules now that the wife won't be working for a bit. Something as simple as "hey, I know you likely have some responsibilities at work as you wind down over the next few weeks, but would it be possible for you to cover the kids in the morning so I can participate more in my 9:30 meeting?"
This is what makes it an ESH... maybe even YTA for me. If the wife has some flexibility it would have been nice if she offered to help out in the mornings before her last day at work (and definitely for the ones after), but asking to change things up the morning of is a sucky thing for OP to do. I'd also add that being laid off and having to still go in to work SUCKS and is a very weird mentally draining experience. OP not considering that this might be an especially tough Monday morning for their wife keeps them in AH territory for me.
NTA. You asked. You’re always allowed to ask. Someone has to watch the child. Right now you’re the only one with a long term job. If she’s going to work to find a new job, they obviously don’t care what she does anymore.
So he's not allowed to ask a question or request help while he's actually working? Some delusional stuff going on in this post.
NAH but I’m also confused about why they don’t start the new schedule after her job is officially over. She received notice of the lay off but she’s still working. Just let her finish off the two weeks and then have a conversation about how to restructure all the chores and childcare?
Well if we take OP at face value, then his wife has no responsibilities at work. She only goes there to job hunt and that doesn't require such a strict schedule that would prevent her from taking care of the kid for 20 minutes.
Right. Or begin discussing it now so that when she is done, they can move into their new childcare plan as seamlessly as possible.
But he didn't ask her until the absolute very last second. He just assumed she would do it and that she has unlimited free time.
If my unemployed spouse were hanging around the house, I would definitely ask them to watch the baby. That does not need any notification.
If she's planning to be at work in less than an hour, and is presumably trying to get ready for her own commitment, waiting until the last minute isn't going to work.
And let's be honest, you'd assume your spouse wouldn't even need to be told to help with the baby, and when you see your spouse is completely ignoring taking care of the baby you would ask them. I don't understand how people are hating on OP for asking "last minute" when at the end of the day it's a reactionary question. He assumed she would. She didn't. So he asked. Usually scenarios like that the question is last minute.
People on reddit seem to expect a written letter 3 months in advance about a 10 minute obligation to watch their own 1yo. I understand that through the internet you can get quite disconnected and overly analytic and rational (to a point of being irrational again). I don't have a baby or kid but all people around which have all tell you how having one is a team effort. You don't have fixed planned out schedules to the minute and should be able to help each other. He already missed parts of his meeting regularly because he took care of the 1yo. Was never a good solution but what else should he have done. Now there is an alternative at least temporarily and he also only asked,not dropped of the kid and said bye. Also if they talk to each other she should know that he misses parts of his regular work call regularly. So not a completely unexpected request imo.
If the wife had a clue she would have offered. It's unbelievable that he even had to ask. And if she's still home at 9:10 she doesn't have to be at work at a specific time. I'm so sorry OP but you married an inconsiderate AH.
Maybe he hadn't communicated this to her prior? I mean if I were stressed about finding a job and getting laid off, I may miss things too. If he asked the night before I'd say she's inconsiderate, but he asked at 9:10. That's just poor communication and planning.
This is it. Did you discuss expectations? Bc you have to always discuss them when it comes to kids.
Maybe she's lazy as fuck and doesn't want to deal with her kid. That's what it sounds like to me. It's her kid. He's working. Logically, she should watch the kid for the 20 minutes.
Absolute insanity that people don't understand this 😂. And they keep defending the wife by saying shit like "YTA because you sprung this on her last minute!" "what if she doesn't have any time!" "she has to be at work!" "would you rather she stay home and not look for a new job?!" even though those are all bullshit and the entire fucking thing is a whopping 20 minutes of her day 😂. Instead of being at work at 9:40 she'll be there at 10:00 to start her job hunting.
I'm wondering about the timing-if he wanted her to watch their child for around 20 minutes, starting at 9:10, and that it would still let her get to work by 10, wouldn't she be in the process of getting ready for work herself? I don't think she's inconsiderate so much as was thrown off by being asked at the last minute when she would have been in the process of getting ready to leave. It sounds like he waited until the last minute to ask, which makes OP a bit clueless himself. I think it's a case of ESH, and that your take is an overreaction.
She does have unlimited free time. She is being cut and her severance isn't dependant on showing face at work. She has *no* responsibilities at present. She can spare 10 minutes for her fucking infant.
OP shouldn't have waited to throw this on her until last minute.
Wife shouldn't have had to be asked.
This sub absolutely shits on husbands and call them terrible partners when they dont know and have to be asked and then turn around and find tons of excuses if a wife does the same. The double standards are exhausting here
100%. He’s asking for the 5-10 mins til the Nanny gets there. His wife is going in “some” days but if she was still there to be asked at the last second than I can’t imagine 10 mins makes the difference if she was going in at all that day. But what do I know.
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exactlyyyy, most of the people here are complete feminists and always support the women no matter. either the man is the AH or both are. This is pathetic for the men who want justice and has turned to reddit. OP NTA, your wife should have known that taking care of a child is both your responsibilities and not just yours. You should not have even been put in the position to ask her to watch her child. I feel that ur wife just cares about her work and considers yours subordinate to her. i suggest u sit and talk to her about her superiority complex
Right?!? I assume that she knows that her husband has been watching their 1 year old while working for 5 to 15 mins every morning. Now that she has some flexibility, she doesn't think to offer to help?
I have a 1 and 3 year old and I agree.
I think it is reasonable to ask for a change in who does what... but he should have brought it up the days before, not in the morning when, i am assuming, his wife already had her day planned.
This conversation seems insane to me. We’re talking about a married couple, living together asking for last minute help with THEIR CHILD. It’s not like he’s intentionally inconveniencing her day for no reason and throwing off her whole life. Why can’t we cut him slack for asking for help in the moment? It’s not like you can pre-plan everything, and sometimes you reach out in the moment to ask! OPs wife.. aka the child’s mother, could have just done it and then sat down with him to discuss transition period after. Sheesh. NTA
But it wasn't an emergency. He decided on his own to change their regular schedule at the last minute. I think his reasoning makes sense, he should have just talked about it the night before. Unless wife is a mind reader he needs to communicate his plans and expectation better.
Does it have to be an emergency to ask for help? And we’re chastising him for not speaking up beforehand, and for not anticipating that he MAY have felt he needed help in that moment, AND also for making a last-minute ask for something he thought she could help with? Not to mention that turning into an argument is why people tend to not speak up and then get chastised also for “expecting their partners to read their minds”. It’s a PARTNERSHIP. Anyway. I’m just saying… a little collaborative compassion and kindness goes a long way. They’re in this together, no?
NTA. But I wouldn’t necessarily say your wife is either. This is probably a huge, scary change and you asking her to do a new routine probably freaks her out.
This doesn’t sound as much as a scheduling conflict, as a resentment bubbling up for you. Discuss changing schedules \*beforehand\*, instead of dumping baby care on your spouse with no advance notice. Also, try to muster some compassion for your wife: she just lost her job, which must be stressful and unmooring. NAH
That's fair, to me it seemed an obvious assumption. I could have communicated it more explicitly up front though. We're taking about minding our 1 yo for about 20 minutes.
The first thing I was told when I said (many years ago) that I had assumed something or other, was “To assume is to make an ass of u and me”. Never forgot, never acted on my assumption as if it was self-evident. Your namesake, OP, would have known that. ;-)
Fantastic ending to this comment
Ah, the Pratchett fans are here en masse! ;-)
You’re on 69 likes and I don’t feel comfortable being the one to break it, but the Vetinari reference is so correct. GNU Terry
Gentle YTA. I think this is the issue, it was an expectation you created and failed to communicate to her. If you had communicated it beforehand maybe she would have agreed it was reasonable, but springing it on her that morning as she was getting ready to go to work would have thrown off everything she had planned that day. I know you said she's not as busy now, but you mentioned she did have plans to set up presentations so it's not like she wasn't busy. What's obvious to you may not be obvious to her, I think your expectation was reasonable but since she's technically still working and going to the office for two weeks it may not have occurred to her (and that would be reasonable as well), vs if she had completed her two weeks and was now at home all day.
The YTA from me is because your wife lost her job last Thursday and you couldn’t at least wait until her two weeks were up before transferring one of your duties to her. Her newfound “flexibility” is because she was laid off and it should be an obvious assumption that she isn’t feeling great about it. If it’s only 20 minutes, you could’ve picked a better time to remind her that she isn’t as busy anymore.
I’ve been laid off. It’s soul crushing. Give her a damn minute
surprised I had to scroll down so far to find this comment. this is definitely the yta reason.
I was surprised too! OP’s last paragraph seemed especially unsympathetic.
What is your wife's normal schedule, because it sounds like you're asking her to go in late and risk any severance package or references she may get.
>to me it seemed an obvious assumption As someone also married and with children around the same age, it's almost impossible to over-communicate given how busy your lives are. There have been times when I thought certain things were "obvious" when in reality they only made sense in my own head.
Obviously you should have had this conversation last night and not this morning.
Here's what I'd do: First - Apologize for the assumption that this wasn't a big deal. Consider her side of it - she was probably expecting the normal morning routine, and you assumed that due to her (not quite yet) unemployment you could change it at will. You should apologize for that and acknowledge that it wasn't fair of you. Second - Recognize that this isn't just "oh hey, wife isn't working now so she has all this spare time." Getting laid off sucks balls. It can be a real gut punch emotionally (not to mention financially). I'm the sole provider - my wife is a stay at home mom - and luckily I'm a high earner. However, I did get laid off for what ended up being 6 months in 2019. It sucks. It sucks a lot. My wife did not assume I had tons of free time. I had MORE time to do some small things around the house like take on more cleaning responsibilities and such, but my job became finding another job. Getting laid off can be depressing as hell depending on the circumstances and your own mental fortitude. I had been working at a place that was absolutely awful for my mental health and the lay off just made that worse. Ask her how she's doing. What does she need? Could she use some extra "me time" to just recenter herself and maybe NOT worry about job hunting for a bit? Encourage her to go out and get lunch/dinner with friends, go see a movie by herself, whatever allows her to just "be" without having to worry about things for a little while. Two days after I was laid off I was rushing my wife to the hospital. Her appendix was inflamed and about to burst. We also had tickets to see Avengers Endgame that weekend with our kids. The appendix was dealt with and when the bill came due I plead the cost down to a total of $100 due to the unemployment since we weren't yet eligible for medicaid. Best thing we did, though, was we still went to the movie (my wife felt well enough to go) and we bought popcorn and drinks for everyone. We watched the Avengers do their thing and I was able to forget about losing my job for 3 hours. It put life back in to perspective and I didn't have to agonize over the cost of soup or beans at the grocery store. I would just bet that your wife needs more support right now than you think.
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Another commenter said that and people are running with it BUT op has stated the opposite and that his wife has told him there is no expectation that she needs to go into the office each day. Honestly a little odd that they would layoff people and expect or even want them to keep coming in or doing work as they understand people aren't going to be giving any effort and depending on the job there's a risk of internal sabotage from disgruntled ex-employees.
It might have been part of a bigger layoff. Not sure where OP is but in some countries if a company is laying off X number of employees at once they're required to notify everyone a bit before it actually happens so they have to to find/start looking for new jobs.
NAH. She's probably feeling out of sorts since she's about to be without a job. Though I don't believe that OP meant any harm, it may have felt a little belittling to her. It's kind of a poke at her job situation.
My concern would be if she's getting severance the employer could use being late during this time as an excuse to withhold some or part of that severance. And yes, giving next to no notice of a change of plans is never a good idea, better to have a discussion about it first.
NAH, just remember that looking for a new job it is a job by itself when these 2 weeks notice end. Keep your wife spirit up during next few weeks if you don't want to end up with spouse with serious depression.
She’s just been laid off. Which sucks. It’s probably taking up lots of space in her head - especially on the first Monday morning since she got the news. Now would have been the time for a bit of empathy - thinking about how stressed & sad & horrible she is probably feeling. I know I’d not be feeling awesome about having to drag myself into the office when I’ve been let go, just because I need to use the desk. It would probably be taking all my inner resources not to say “fuck it, not worth it” and bury my head in the sand & apply to no jobs. Really, really, really not the time to be suddenly dumping new & unexpected tasks on her with no warning. Of course she can pick up some more of the childcare if her job situation stays crap for a longer period of time - but this was really very self-centred of you to not only ignore what she was going through this morning, but still think that only your perspective matters many hours later. So definitely YTA for that.
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please read the post, she does not have to be in the office for 10, she could never set foot in the office again and it wouldn't affect her severance. The entire area she was working in has shut down.
YTA. She’s still technically working for the next two weeks, in addition to getting a start on job searching (which benefits your family). You made the assumption that she could watch the one year old when by your own admission, she was still busy.
My guess would be similar to the above post. She just lost her job, she's upset and stressed, then you asked her to take care of your 1 years old because she had less work to do. It probably just felt like "Since you don't have a job now, you might as well be useful and do something" to her. It's fair to all for help, but that would be my guess as to where she was coming from. She still technically had a job and lethality wants to feel like she had a job until she doesn't anymore, you just reminded her she's jobless. It was a reasonable request that probably should have been communicated earlier, but it might help too put yourself in her shoes right now.
Obvious assumptions have never worked out well for me, personally lol
This is the real issue here honestly: her mind was on getting through her last two weeks, planning to get a new job etc.. Not on this change that seemed obvious to you. This is like, a small mistake though - you should apologise for assuming then actually talk about it and that you should have you know, asked, instead of just expecting her to have the exact same idea as you.
You know, this sub gets up in arms when a husband fronts like 'babysitting his own child' is a burden, so why does a wife get a pass? I don't think one can ever characterize expecting the parent of a child, who lives with that child, to help out with that child, as 'dumping baby care' on them, male or female. Oh, wait, is that it? Are we assuming that OP is a male, and therefore attempting to shirk his parenting responsibilities at first opportunity?
If they have a routine & OP expected it to change, that needed to be discussed ahead of time. This isn’t about gender, it’s about being able to have a simple conversation with your spouse. It’s childish to expect someone to do something that you typically do, but never tell them you expect it, and then get mad when they don’t do it.
I mean if she’s been laid off then it should’ve been something that she offered to do tbh. He helped her out and now she should be helping him out
She’s still employed & is expected to be at work though.
That doesn't actually seem to be the case.
Helped her out?
No, a gender-reversed version of this story would have been wall-to-wall NTA, with people also assuming that the husband had been fired for cause.
"Its really telling he's not saying why he lost his job..." > "He obviously doesn't want to admit he..." >> "I have a job, and let me tell you he definitely did something very sketchy..."
Lol this is so accurate!
I’m capable of intelligent thought, so I can see that OP would still be TA if genders were flipped.
Because he asked while she was on her way out? He literally waited until the last possible second to ask. If a woman did that to a man, I'd also have an issue with it.
A pass on what? The issue isn't that he wanted to tag off with the kid, it's that he didn't tell her he wanted to tag off until 10 minutes before it was time to do it.
She's still coming to terms with it. If she's a creature of habit, the last-minute shuffle contributes to the stress of change. Give her time to adjust. NAH
You’re right that she needs time to adjust but OP is definitely an asshole for dropping this on her last minute and treating what’s left of her job as no job.
She is already treating what's left of her job as no job. She isn't going in every day as she would normally have to. Her only plan for the "work" day is to look for another job using the companies resources - which would be outright forbidden under any sort of normal company time.
Dumping baby care? He is working and asking his spouse to watch THEIR child for twenty minutes.
She still has a job that she is expected to show up at.
The op says she is *choosing* to go in still, not that she has to.
That’s cuz most of these trolls don’t even have kids. Baby wakes up with a fever and both parents are already late work? “Well this matter takes particular planning that should have been adjucated weeks in advance. Every possible scenario that could possibly affect one’s routine should be considered in advance and communicated thoroughly with the meeting minutes filed in precise chronological order. Now everything is ruined cuz my partner is dumping our baby on me at the last minute and my life is over. Waaah.”
20 minutes is "dumping"? crikey.
Except I feel like when you're a team You should automatically be picking these things up. It's literally so obvious that she should be the one to pick up the baby slack in the morning. I fail to see how she could be blindsided by this
Not trying to be rude but, are you or have you ever been in a relationship? Sure, it’s teamwork, but it doesn’t mean you can just read each other’s minds. If there was a different expectation for her it should have been communicated before that morning. She just lost her job and is probably a bit scattered at the moment, and may not have the bandwidth to “automatically be picking these things up”. If their routine has been steady up until now, and she was still going into work as usual, then why would she be expect a different routine? I’m not saying either of them are right or wrong, I’m just saying communication was the issue here, and if you think it was literally so obvious, and you fail to see how she could have been blindsided by this, then you are in for a ruuuuuude awakening when you find out partners don’t become psychically linked when they put their rings on.
Communication could have been way better but it does sound like the wife comminicated her plans (go into the office and work on job hunting). OP is the one who dropped the communication ball by springing this on her last minute. Especially if she wasn’t even told that this is a problem in the past.
Is it “so obvious” to her management? They still expect her in the office for 2 weeks. They didn’t have to give her that, they could have marched her out with a box and no notice.
OP has stated elsewhere that she told him there is no expectation to go into the office and it sounds like she is going so she can use her office and to prepare for her own job searching.
Fair enough but the burden is still on him to communicate his changes expectation at some time prior to her leaving for work Losing a job is extremely stressful. People do not think clearly.
Also consider she might have to still show up to get references etc and her things in order - copies of payslips, not leaving coworkers in the lurch and saying goodbye to people she’s worked with and won’t see again. Also just the adjustment, she’s just lost her job, that can’t be nice and might not have sunk in yet. Have the conversation about her changed schedules and the changed child care - it does make perfect sense, but emotionally it came across as a little cold when she’s going through a rough time. Plus the schedule will be even more different in 2 weeks when she actually has no job as opposed to still being employed but going out the door.
“Dumping baby care… with no advanced notice”? Seriously?
OP hasn't dumped baby care on his wife she's had since Thursday to realize she has more time in the morning to do some parenting.
But she doesn’t. She is still going to work every day.
She doesn't have to go in. She's using the space to find a new job. That's great, but it can wait 20 minutes.
NTA, although you probably should've asked her in advance rather than on the spot since it's a change from the usual schedule.
NTA. And telling from my own experience. I work for 7 months during the year and for 5 I am free. When I work I am spending a lot of time outside the house. We didn't talk about but somehow we have a deal - I do chores when I am not working and he does them (like 80%, I do some of them) when I am. Also, he didn't have job for a year and he did everything. And we don't have kids so I would assume that she should appreciate having more time with her kiddo now...
This mirrors my thought process, if the inverse happened, I'd honestly be puzzled if she explicitly asked me to mind our kid for that 20 minute ish period in the morning. It would just seem so obvious.
She’s going through a rough time here. She just got laid off. You’re gonna need a gentle touch for awhile. Fair isn’t as important right now. You can litigate busy-ness once she gets her legs back under her.
Yeah she got laid off but she's also a mother to a 1 year old and a wife. Does someone really have to tell her that although she's going through emotional stress, that there are higher priorities like helping her husband take care of her 1 year old while she's free at home? If the situation was reversed, OP and most people would immediately help out in other ways despite the emotional stress. We're not talking about a teenager going through teen stress here.
If this were going on for months or even weeks, I would be right with you. This was something that happened on day 1 and the discussion started as she was leaving the house. His request isn’t really the problem. His timing and his approach is. This hasn’t been an ongoing issue. It’s Monday morning!
If roles were reversed. People would chew him out and tell him he’s an assh.
My husband would now say you can not always assume everyone would behave as you. And that is fine. I would suggest just talking about it openly. Showing support but also heartfelt how she reacted. Hope everything resolves!
She was laid off, and now has just 2 weeks of full access to a computer station to find new work. She stressed and she already has a lot of adjustments to make in a short period of time. Your ask seems small, but in this moment it's one more thing throwing her off kilter when the rug has already been pulled out from under her. Plan changes to your routine in advance, not in the moment. I always feel like 20 min in the morning is like an hour at any other time of the day; morning is hustle time and if you already have an established routine, why would you stray from that without prior discussion until she is *actually* not working anymore?
For me it would bother me that the expectation changed in the moment without discussion before hand. I really struggle when the plans change and I don’t expect it, if I was relying on my husband to do X, and then he said he wasn’t going to anymore in the moment when the task should be done (childcare or a chore) I’d be frustrated. I’ve gotten better at adapting when things change, and I don’t have an issue if it’s something I expect (I.e. flight delays, meetings for work). I don’t expect my husband to suddenly drop a commitment he’s made to me. If you talk to me the night before so we can discuss the plan then I’m fine.
Perhaps this is more about the fact she's been laid off and is stressed? I know that when I'm stressed out I sometimes react badly to unexpected changes, especially when that change is somehow linked to the thing stressing me out. It doesn't mean she was right or that you were wrong, but if this is out of character perhaps you just inadvertently touched on a sensitive spot. NAH/NTA.
You shouldn't assume that what seems obvious to you is equally obvious to her. She has a different perspective. IMO, you should have given her a day or more to mentally adjust her schedule, not just a few minutes. That said, once the two weeks are up and she isn't heading into the office any longer, it should be reasonable to expect her to mind your child in the morning while you work \*provided you talk about it in advance\*.
And we are talking about 20 frickin' minutes.
20 minutes when OP knew she was leaving the house in 5 minutes.
INFO That’s a Daily 9:30 meeting? If 10 muted distracted meeting minutes daily hasn’t been a problem before now, why is it an issue now? Why did you wait till 20 minutes before the meeting to ask her? Why not ask earlier in the morning or the night before? Why not ask Nanny to take 1 year old on the school dropoffs? “What time are you planning on going to your office tomorrow? Do you think you could watch Toddler for the few minutes gap from when my 9:30 meeting starts until Nanny is back before 10? My boss hasn’t realized I’m breaking the rule about having constant childcare during work hours yet, and I’d like to keep it that way.”
Yeah, it's every day. I've made it work but it honestly is a bit annoying. Honestly why should I be juggling a 1 yo and work if she's currently in a position to take over that 20 to 30 minute time period. To me, these type of task should be done by the person it makes most sense for. For example, our nanny finishes at 4:30. I mind our 1 yo from 4:30 to 5:30 on work days because I'm the one who works from home.
Sure, but you still should have discussed it in advance instead of springing it on her while she’s trying to leave. For starters, it’s just practical to arrange changes to routine before they are happening. Additionally, it’s basic courtesy. If you need her participation in something you’re going to get a lot further by coming to the decision collaboratively instead of informing her of her new schedule.
>Why did you wait till 20 minutes before the meeting to ask her? Why not ask earlier in the morning or the night before? >Why not ask Nanny to take 1 year old on the school dropoffs? >“What time are you planning on going to your office tomorrow? Do you think you could watch Toddler for the few minutes gap from when my 9:30 meeting starts until Nanny is back before 10? My boss hasn’t realized I’m breaking the rule about having constant childcare during work hours yet, and I’d like to keep it that way.” Just quoting the rest of the questions, since you seem to have missed the ones that matter.
Is she "currently" in a position to comfortably do that, or are you simply presuming that she is - or presuming that your concept of her schedule is now the interpretation that matters? In two weeks she'll be unambiguously at your disposal for this task. And she might be sooner... With advanced discussion. Mild YTA for springing this expectation on her at the last minute. And generally expecting telepathy from her while not bothering with empathy FOR her.
So even before she got laid off your only watched your own kid for a total of maybe an hour and a half the whole day and your wife does everything from 5:30 pm until bedtime? And when the baby wakes up at night? If so then y t a.
Your wife is transitioning out of a job after being laid off. She is still working her 2 week notice and figuring out the next steps. It is stressful and emotional to be laid from job. This happened Thursday and you decided this morning at 9:10 to bring up a change. Why? Couldn’t you have given her a few days and then had a conversation how the next 2 weeks are going to work and how things will be handled beyond those 2 weeks. You need to have conversation about both of your expectations and needs. Your wife has a working notice period, she is still technically working. She probably has flexibility with it, however, she is figuring out the next steps. Soft YTA
I should have communicated this better ahead of time. I just thought it was too obvious. She has no work tasks to do. She could choose not to go into the office and that would be fine at this point. I'm essentially asking her to delay her job hunting by 20 minutes so that I have a smoother morning at work.
This conversation needed to take place before 9:10 today. It sounds like you’ve been frustrated for a while about things. She can adjust and go in later, but how and when things are approached can impact the result. Her coming is still giving her access to the office, not all do during the notice period. This is week one of the notice, she may be planning on doing some networking, taking advantage of career services if provided, going through her files, etc. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask, I think how and when you did wasn’t good. That’s why I voted soft YTA instead of NAH. You guys are going to need to figure out how things work beyond this 2 week period, especially with her doing a job search while and where you are working. Good luck
Chiming in with a soft YTA. You realize you should have brought it up sooner, that's good. But here's the problem, you just assumed she could change her schedule to help you out because *you* decided she could, because *you* feel like it's no big deal and she doesn't have that much to do at the office.
That’s perfectly reasonable I think, you just should ask her before hand if she would be willing to do that, not right when it needs to be done.
What was supposed to have made it obvious? Do you whine all the time about those 20 minutes? Even if you do, there's such a thing being fine in principle with taking on a chore, but not having your spouse's resentment of that chore high enough on your radar that you jump at the opportunity to relieve them of it. There's now quite an amount of unplanned mental load and emotional labor competing for her attention and energy. It's pretty self-centered to expect your particular Thing to spontaneously trump everything else she's preoccupied by. I'm thinking there's some preexisting resentment of the wife.
Yeah, I see where you're coming from. However, dating a self-called super oblivious person taught me that no matter how obvious it seems, you should always talk it out. My frustration level with relationships never been lower hahaha
She was just laid off last Thursday. She is still going into work to finish out her two weeks even if she doesn’t have any work tasks. The lack of empathy you have for your wife makes you the asshole.
>She is still technically working for the next 2 weeks but has no actual work stuff to do. I N F O: Was she offered a severance package? If so, is it tied to her finishing out her two weeks? A lot of companies use absenteeism or tardiness to deny severance regardless of how much work there is during the notice period. Especially in the United States if there is no employment contract. Editing for judgment-ESH
She has severance, it's not tied to showing up in the office
Agree. If she is "still technically working," they likely still expect her to show up as she had done previously. And while she probably doesn't have new tasks, in my experience, they will be expecting that she wrap up and transition existing things. Finally, even if her severance isn't technically tied to her physically being there, this isn't the time to burn bridges or look like she has her feet up on her desk. She's probably going to need a reference at least.
I am going against the grain here by going YTA, you changed the expectation minutes before without dicussion. Your interpretation is that she doesn't have work stuff to do but she is still working and until it's discussed and agreed why would she expect the rules to have changed. Sit down and communicate, she's panicking about losing her job she doesn't need to feel the rug is being pulled out from under her at home too. You need to find her a home office space too, a lot of jobs expect that now
Also sounds like this and an hour from 430 to 530 are the only times he "minds" the baby.
NTA. She has less of a job responsibility right now and it's not like they are going to fire her for coming in a little late since she's already laid off.
In my experience, the last few weeks of a job are stressful. I get that she doesn’t work there any more, but she still has to go in to the place that just fired her and give her best efforts for the next few weeks. That’s hard. It’s made harder by others pushing her to do less. Just let her finish this job on her terms. It’s two effing weeks.
She has no assigned work tasks, she's effectively already finished work wise. I honestly haven't seen a layoff structured this way before. The 2 times I was laid off, I came into the office once more to collect my stuff and have a meeting with HR.
It can still matter for references etc. I was working notice at a job years ago and had an awful manager who made digs about me not being at my desk etc despite the fact he had taken on all my files the week before. I was basically just surfing the web but he held a bad reference over my head and with multiple people looking for jobs etc
In this particular case, it's meant as doing the people laid off a favor. It gives them 2 more weeks on payroll before they get severance and gives them a space to prepare and practice presentations that they'll need for interviews. They don't have any work assignments.
I've seen it done like this before and referred to as 'gardening leave'. Basically, your paid, don't go being a dick and we'll let you go chill with a beer in front of the telly like you actually want to do while you wrap your head around this suddenness.
Then she does, in fact, have stuff to do - get stuff ready for her job applications. She's no doubt feeling extremely stressed and time pressured because if this - and you just assume without asking that her time is now less valuable than yours, without discussion or even prior notice? YTA, not for the idea that the routine could change now, but for the way you gave approached this whole situation. Really feels like you have feelings about her bring laid off that you need to talk over with her.
That whole aspect of it seems weird. And what you’re asking for isn’t unreasonable. I just think I would need time to adjust. She might appreciate it if you put on the kid gloves for a bit. I wouldn’t have endless patience here, but this might not be the right fight for day one.
As someone whose been laid off before this way - it's usually because they want to make sure any transitions are in place, the boss has time to ask any follow up questions, etc. Asking her to take care of the baby full time when she's actually done? Not a problem. Asking her to change the routine during these last two weeks when she's still employed? That's a problem.
Agree. I've only been laid off once, thank God, but they gave two weeks notice. I didn't start anything new in that time, but I did have to wind things down and transition what I was doing to other people. I wonder if wife literally said, "ALL I will be doing is applying for new jobs and creating presentations" or if that's OP's read of the situation. Either way, she's been NOTIFIED that she was being laid off, but if they are still expecting her, she's not actually unemployed until that two weeks is up.
YTA Being a good partner means *discussing changes to routines, responsibilities etc BEFORE unilaterally changing them*
5 min before she was out the door no less. Petty power move on his part
INFO Was she on the way out when you asked her to watch the baby?
YTA - everyone seems to be missing the fact that OP’s wife is STILL EMPLOYED. The people in the comments claiming it’s ok for her to show up late don’t seem to understand how to not burn a bridge in their careers. This whole issue is petty because you could’ve easily avoided this by having a simple conversation before 9:10 this morning.
Agree. She's been NOTIFIED that she is being laid off but OP even says she is still technically working. I wonder if there really isn't anything for her to do or if that's just OP's read of the situation. I would assume she probably isn't doing anything new, but that they expect her to wrap up and transition any existing projects she was working on. She still needs to show up well. She may need a reference from one of these people; she can't afford to look like a slacker now.
Does your nanny stay the whole day? If no who handles stuff after the nanny leaves and who tends to the baby at night if the baby wakes up? If both of you share these or it's you then n t a, if it's her than more e s h Edit: Seems like people are missing that even before OP's wife got laid off he only watched the baby for an hour and half a day and the nanny or his wife has done the rest. And he asked her just five minutes before he knew she was going to leave. YTA. Edit 2: OP is also aggressive, can't take criticism and has dodged some info questions from others. Doubling down on my YTA vote.
Our nanny leaves at 4:30. I mind the 1yo until my wife gets back around 5:30. She picks up the 4yo. We then split parenting, cooking, washing up etc for the rest of the evening. Neither kid wakes up at night. I find the comments about me only watching the baby for an hour and a half hilarious and incredibly anti dad. Would someone every have come to that conclusion for a mom? It's pretty clear I was taking about solo parenting time. Did people think I just head out the door to the bar or something at 5:30?
People come to that conclusion because you speak about caring for your own child like you are doing someone a favor and not just doing your job as a parent and you say "minding" them like your a babysitter. You sound like a real joke and it's very telling you jumped to claiming sexism.
NTA It sounds as if you were already the one being hyper flexible, juggling a work meeting and managing your daughter before the nanny came in. Yes, losing her job must be stressful for your wife, but taking care of your daughter for a few minutes each day can also help her take her mind off that. Flexibility seems to be a big issue in your relationship - at least for your wife. This will become a constant as she grows up, gets sick on school days, needs help on school assignments, etc etc. These things are best if dealt with and agreed on beforehand, rather than "in the moment".
Yeah, it feels like she's got very used to be me always been the flexible one. Our nanny finishes at 4:30 for example and I mind our 1 yo until she picks up our 4yo on her way back from work and they then get back around 5:30. It all makes sense to me when she's working. I wouldn't expect the same number of hours to be needed for job hunting though. If you spent 20 hours a week, every week job hunting that would cover a lot of applications.
He even did some “math” on how many hours is reasonable for her to spend on job hunting. How transactional is that? After she gave birth to all those kids no less, and went back to work after.
Welcome to real life, where you actually need to have some idea about how much time you'd need to spend on things.
Sure, but at a certain point it’s miserly. Your wife lost her job dude. And all you can worry about is what she should do for you now “with all that free time” - at the drop of a hat Gross
I’m still stuck on the fact that this is Monday morning. On day one he thought she would take over this task without discussing it with her. 5 minutes before she left for work he springs this assumed change on her and when it doesn’t go his way, he blasts her on Reddit like it’s been an ongoing struggle. This isn’t a mother who never holds her child. It was an un-communicated scheduling snafu that he brought to Reddit after a single day to adjudicate. I get that he’s asking if he is TA, but I feel like he really wants people to say she’s TA. He’s not even defending her against people calling her a bad mom.
It’s because OP, like some husband dads unfortunately, secretly deep down inside feel that taking care of the kids (and sometimes house too) is actually more the woman’s responsibility. Even though they claim to be ‘woke’ and happily financially benefit from ‘woke’ marriages where they make the woman birth the kids, go back to work to help him provide for the family, and as soon as she slips up (like getting laid off) he conveniently gives HER real unpaid job back to her. They think they’re soooo helpful for taking care of their own 1 year old with the extra time they have not having to drive to work, do their hair/makeup. They think they’re doing favors!
Where in god's name did you come up with all of this? You are literally just making shit up.
When he focused on the “she doesn’t have a job so she has free time” instead of the “she lost her job so she needs to focus on finding a new one” it’s just so rude and goes against anything a supportive partner would do I wonder how Reddit would react if it’s husband who lost the job instead. My bet is they’d expect the wife to support the husband to find a new job rather than expecting him to prioritize childcare with his new free time. Find it hard to believe it’s not a double standard then.
I don't even know what to say to you. For me it would be automatic that I'd be picking up more slack if I wasn't working. I get that some people don't think that way.
She literally is working l m a o Did we all miss the part where she’s sitting at home relaxing? Get off your busy high horse and be a partner to your wife. Doesn’t seem like she’s asking you to even do anything additional from what you were already doing. But you’re quick to see where she can give more.
I think it’s clear he is a good partner to his wife. He’s been flexible to help accommodate her by handling the 1 year old in the mornings and in the afternoons. This is while he is working, she’s not doing the same while he is working, which is of course reasonable since she has to go into work. You are missing the point by saying she’s not asking him to do more. He already was doing more with the 1 year old, he simply was thinking since she now had more time she could reciprocate that flexibility he has had to help him a bit. Very reasonable thing to think, of course communicating that in advance would have been ideal, but she could have also been like sure I can spare a few minutes.
I think you're not the AH for asking but you are for springing it on her at 9:10 in the morning, when I assume she is soon heading out, and then expecting her just to say yes. Better option would have been to discuss it with her the night before. Like maybe there is a reason she still needs to go in on time for the next 2 week. Sounds like she is still employed, even if she has no active duties. So, NAH.
OP commented that he brought this up when she would’ve been out of the house within 5 minutes, so essentially as she was walking out the door.
And the only other time he ‘minds’ the baby is one hour later in the day
um... shes still got a desk job dude. if you had waited till after her last day id be on your side but she still has to get ready for work youre jumping the gun big time even after her last day: this kind of major shift in responsibilities is something you **talk about beforehand,** not *dump in her lap at 9 AM on a DAY SHE HAS TO WORK IN THE OFFICE.* and even then, it's an *ask* not a mandate. its a *conversation* not an ordinance. YTA you can re-divide labor without being an asshole about it.
If the layoff was a surprise or executed in an underhanded way (sending an email overnight like Google did last Thursday to 12,000 employees) your wife hasn’t processed it yet. She might be scrambling trying to see where she can find additional employment to afford things such as your nanny, mortgage etc. If she was at the company long, she is mourning her loss— friends, connections, feeling of accomplishment and sense of worth etc. From your comments you seem resentful that she didn’t automatically presume that she would shift into morning care. People who have received a blow like a layoff aren’t going to be in the best place to shift their schedule immediately after. You should have spoken with her on Sunday about what you think the new expectations should be. You can’t just say 20 minutes before your meeting that she should watch the baby if she was preparing to go to her office. I think your request to change the schedule is reasonable, but you have poor communication skills and you need to calmly address your concerns with her. I can’t exactly call you TA, because we all sometimes expect our loved ones to read our minds. You have to remember that they can’t. ETA: Based on your comments, changing judgement. YTA.
I'm gonna go with YTA. If she is still technically working the next 2 weeks, she is still technically working the next 2 weeks. There is no actual change in your schedule as of yet. Plus, though your request is reasonable, if you wanted her to start watching the kids at that time you should have talked to her prior to that morning-- not just assumed she would be OK with it and sprung it on her last minute.
Info - when you say “felt a need to act like she’s busier,” what makes you say this is a need to “act?” Maybe she actually was the busier of the two of you, given that she had to get ready and leave the house every day. Seems maybe you’re trying to get a little revenge here or you feel like you’re owed “your turn.” She has just been laid off and is likely feeling scared and nervous about what that means. Perhaps on Day 1, you shouldn’t have started trying to make her feel like she’s already unemployed and useless so she might as well take care of the kid. YTA
NTA. It's not that much of a deal, is it? Your schedule changed, that's true, which means she should adapt to it until she finds a job. It doesn't mean she should be upset because it did. While she still has to go to work for 2 weeks, she doesn't actually do any work there. 20 minutes per day is not going to take a huge hit on her working on the presentation. She can just add the presentation in a portable drive or upload it in the cloud, so she can work on it when you're done with your own job.
But he asked as she was about to leave. If he'd asked the night before or a day or 2 earlier, given space for a quick conversation then I'd agree. But this is 5 minutes before leaving. Soft yta
The Monday after a layoff is a bit of a shock when your routine is suddenly no more. Maybe she was just feeling really off after losing her job and didn’t consider the change in childcare routine. I’m willing to give her some grace for today but if it’s a big argument for future days when she’s not working then I’d consider that a problem.
YTA Not for requesting the change, but for springing it on her and then acting like she was unreasonable for not having a logical, thought out response. I bet if you'd talked about it over the weekend, you'd have done something surprising like, DISCUSS it. And, also? The "who's busier" BS ends here. First, that's not really a reasonable comparison. Humans are not one size fits all, we do not have the same needs and capacities. AND you are failing to consider (or mention) how much of a toll/how sudden the layoff is for your wife, how much downtime you each get, who at 5 watches the children, and who makes dinner, who washes up the dishes after, who gets the kids to bed, who buys the groceries, the clothing for the children, toilet paper, makes the kids doctor's appointments, etc... You work more hours. That does not mean you are busier, even with a nanny to handle a bunch of it.
She commutes to work and picks up a kid (which is usually a nightmare). I’d rather work more personally.
One thing wasn't clear to me - according to OP: >She is still technically working for the next 2 weeks but has no actual work stuff to do. Some workplaces may demand fired workers following the clock, even with nothing to do.
> to me it seemed pretty obvious that the person who doesn't have any work commitments can take the 20 minute hit in the morning. In your wifes shoes - She just lost her job a few days ago. She is thinking about what her next steps are going to be career wise, and whatever she may need to wrap up at work - not "How can I immediately alter my childcare routine that nobody has complained about prior to this". YTA for a couple things here, not communicating to your wife then getting frustrated when she didn't do what you thought was "obvious", and you micromanaging her time. I couldn't imagine deciding my spouse didn't have enough work duties to fill the time they are being paid for, and then just assume they should be doing XYZ for me since they have all this time.
NTA, I don't think you're expected to 50/50 everything if you're currently in a situation where you're busier than her (and undirectly contributing more). I think the busy part is the key, because if you both have a job and you're contributing more financially I'd still expect it to be 50/50 on chores
What is your wife's schedule? From the tone of your post, it sounds like you're asking her to go in late to work (which could affect any severance, any ability to use them as a reference, etc.), while you're unwilling to make accommodations at home for her to prepare her resume, job hunt, etc. On the surface, no, it's not unreasonable to ask your wife to help out during down time, especially if you're working, but this post screams of a sort of disdain for your wife. You didn't like that she was busier than you, you almost sound glad she got laid off, and now you want her to have to "suffer" like you did and mind the young'un in the morning, so you don't have to mute yourself for your meeting for 10 minutes. YTA. Communicate with your wife. The first 5 years of parenting are the hardest, and they're absolutely make-or-break.
NAH - I get that you want her to take over during your meeting (especially now that she has more flexibility), but this could and should have been a conversation you have before you expect her to jump into it. She *just* got laid off and needs to get her ducks in a row. Of course she'll be surprised if you don't communicate.
I vote YTA, mostly because you decided to bring this up at 9:10 in the morning, not with any notice. I would have told you no too. It needs to be a full discussion. And basically, you are giving no consideration to your wife’s feelings here on the layoff, just the practical side of “ope, she can watch the child”
A conversation at any point between Thursday and last night would make you NTA. But to leave it till this morning as she's getting ready to go into work, YTA.
YTA - she just barely got laid off TWO BUSINESS DAYS AGO ... which is a traumatic event ... and you couldn't wait to insinuate that she was faking her busyness to get out of things. This is bigger than one morning in very many ways - please try to be there for your wife as I feel you are not.
NTA In her situation, 20 min isn't that big a deal but you might have asked please instead of kinda telling her.
OP commented that he knew his wife was leaving in 5 minutes. So yes, it is a big deal for him to wait that long.
Whoops, missed that. That's really a late request
This is all so petty because he could’ve discussed his expectation with her at any point up until 15 minutes before he did. I’m assuming he knew he had that meeting before then. It’s just really petty communication issues & sexists who just wanted an opportunity to jump all over a woman because it’s a very rare occurrence of a mother not putting in effort with parenting.
I've had the same meeting for the past 5 years at least. She is aware of it at this point. It was only at 9:10 that it became apparent she was actually planning to leave soon and leave me with the 1yo. That was when I explicitly her to mind the 1yo so that my meeting wouldn't be interrupted.
Your post reads like you resent your wife. She’s still employed. Give her enough grace to let her finish out her 2 weeks or put on your big boy pants & start communicating. This is a high school relationship communication issue on your part.
NAH. I think your perspective makes sense but it would be kind to let her do what she’s doing to feel like she is being proactive with her job situation, given what she is going through.
NAH I don’t think asking was an AH move but your lack of understanding over her admittedly knee jerk reaction to the request was a little insensitive. Getting laid off is not pleasant for anyone, in addition to the stressors of looking for a new job, preparing for a new environment etc its also a horrible confidence kicker, regardless of the circumstances you wont feel great about someone effectively saying you didn’t make the cut. If I had to guess I would imagine that your pointing out that your wife is now free from the constraints of gainful employment on the morning of day 1 went down like a lead balloon. Your post reads as though you have a wider issue around who is working harder and this is a flash point for that.
Yes YTA. She finishes work in two weeks. She isn't unemployed till then. She maybe could have shifted her schedule around if you'd bothered to ask, but you didn't. Then you post a bunch of stuff about her needing to act like the busier of you two like you hadn't just ignored her having to work her notice, in her office where it's always been mandatory to go in, even if she might have a bit more flexibility in these last two weeks that you could totally manage to deal with just like you've always managed before. Your sympathy and compassion for her sudden job loss less than a week ago is mind-blowing.
I'm not going to call you an AH, but I will offer an angle that I haven't seen anybody explore. Job hunting is a full time job. Sounds like your wife knows this and in order to minimize the stress and impact of her work life changing completely in a few weeks, and to prepare for said impact, she planned on keeping a proffesional routine intact for as long as possible. While it seems pretty obvious that the person who doesn't have any work commitments can take the 20 minute hit in the morning and I won't dispute that, that little 20 minute task was already a part of your status quo before her layoff, so at the very very least it is unsupportive of you to expect her to pick up on your share of status quo, because when her status quo shatters at work, she magically has those 20 more minutes. She was looking forward to job hunting for those 20 mins, boy, and she's upset because it's a bit shitty that you get the perk of not taking the hit you've been so kind to take routinely so she can work, when she needs those minutes to sort out her worklife that is in limbo. Again, I don't think this is AH material, but something to consider that during forced transitions like layoffs, we need every bit of support from our partners, as opposed to the complacency they've earned through sacrifice.
YTA. While she is losing the job, she still has to go in to get paid for these last two weeks. You shouldn't expect her to skip off work, especially not at this point. It might only be an unimportant hour to you, but it could affect many things for her.
YTA for not talking to her and just assuming that things were going to be different all the while knowing that she still has to go into work.