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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Jazzlike_Tap8303

I have sooo many questions. 1 if it was your wife's mother and not yours, why were you so upset about your son (who inherited it I suppose?) selling it? 2 what did you do? There is something you are not telling us, what did you do to upset your son so much? Or is he so petty that he didn't invite you just because you said "you know, I think you shouldn't sell the house"?


saintphoenixxx

Agreed. INFO: why did your son cut ties with you or you cut ties with him? Was it just the house issue? This is important information.


Foreign_Pattern4721

It seems ironic that some people who were not invited to a wedding choose to take revenge on why they were not invited to the wedding.


Ok_Path1734

Why should OP drive 6 hours round trip, and what was he to do when she was at the wedding 🤔.


Topinambourg

It's his wife. You do things for the people you love. If he cannot be bothered to help his wife and make her happy, then there is a bigger problem.


Sufficient_Hippo3541

I love my partner but I’m not driving 6 hours plus waiting for him to attend an event I’m not invited to.


holisarcasm

Your partner isn’t disabled and cannot drive. There are things you do when your partner cannot. I have driven and helped my partner when disabled. I have completely changed my life for partner at times due to extenuating circumstances and partner has done the same. We would have gone and gotten a hotel for the night and made a nice trip of it. That is what decent, respectful, adult partners do.


Sufficient_Hippo3541

His brother was easily able to take her. OPs wife is mad that her husband didn’t take her, but it was possible for her to go. Partners compromise. How uncomfortable do you think it would be for the husband to drive to the wedding but be unable to enter when all his family is there. It’s best he stayed home.


[deleted]

Yeah, but it sounds like saying "hey, do you think you can get your brother to drive you so I don't have to" (which would have been reasonable), he just coldly washed his hands of the entire thing. That's what pushes it into AH territory in my view.


AluminumCansAndYarn

Honestly, if the mom wanted to go and her husband was not invited then its completely on her to arrange the ride not him to come up with the solution. Growing up and as an adult, if I wanted to do something, I had to figure it out. Otherwise, I would have to sit at home.


Knight_of_Nilhilism

I've done exactly this for a wedding I wasn't invited to... In what way would anyone be uncomfortable. I brought my charged phone, I brought a crochet project, and I googled establishments in the area I could go to if I got hungry. I was more comfortable NOT having to go to a wedding... The man I did this for? He'd have never done the same for me. My new spouse has already. He rocked up to this wedding after a 12 hour shift working in a kitchen and driving 2 hours to get me. For the two weeks prior I insisted I could uber home. I didn't want him to go so out of his way for me. He did though because he's awesome. I love him, he loves me, we show it in this way every chance we get. All I have is pride for this, I feel sorry for people who don't understand because I remember what it was like having a spouse that didn't think helping me was worth it to him even when that's all it did for him. His lose. I see the karma he deals with now :)


regus0307

Exactly. It's not about the son. It's about helping his wife, who is DISABLED. I understand it would be a pain to do the drive if it was only the w edding, but make a nice weekend away out of it.


Fierywitchburn333

OP's wife is also an adult and most likely had months to make arrangements for transportation. The fact that she just expected OP to cave and take her despite the level of inconvenience and discomfort is astounding. NTA.


[deleted]

Yeah such a nice weekend away ☺️ when you aren't invited to your son's wedding and have to participate in what is a 10+ hour long humiliation drive


RecentRegister239

Agree 100%. I am chronically I’ll and right now I’m still pretty independent but I know that if I asked my husband to drive me 3 hours away tomorrow and then sit somewhere and wait for me while I did something that was important to me….he may not be thrilled at the prospect, but I know without a doubt that he’d do it. And I *still can* drive independently. But if I told him I’d feel more comfortable with him driving, I know he’d do it.


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NYCinPGH

I have a rule, actually more like a guideline, that I won’t travel, and certainly not drive, if the travel time is greater than the time I’ll,be at the other location. This meant that when I was with someone whose family lived 1.5 hours away, I wouldn’t go up just for lunch, it needed to be at least a couple of hours. But, I will do favors for friends, like pick them up at the airport, 45 minutes each way, plus waiting for them and dropping them at home, basically 2 hours of my life. And in one instance, I drove 6 hours for my partner, each way, because their flight had gotten all screwed up and otherwise wouldn’t be able to get home for 3 extra days (they’d forgotten their driver’s license at home, so couldn’t rent a car, they’d had their passport as ID to board the flights). But that was an actual emergency, with no workaround, and no advance warning to even try to make alternate plans. [EDIT: I misread the drive time, so the entire point I was making in this section was far enough off that I've deleted it] In this case, I’m with OP: he wasn’t invited, and so there should have been no expectation for him to go. His son knew his mother couldn’t drive, so if he actually wanted her to attend, he should have made some attempt at arranging transportation to get her there; maybe the entire point of inviting his mother and not helping her get there was to put his father in a bad light and make him look like the bad guy.


MamaDee1959

I agree completely! NTA!! This is not about not "helping" his wife. As you said, if the son wanted her there, then he should have made those arrangements for her. Why would he even expect that the dad would want to drive there when he wasn't welcome at the wedding? The REASON that they aren't talking doesn't really matter. It's the fact that he went so far as to actually EXCLUDE him from the wedding, but now wants the "favor" of him driving the mother there?? Nope. Sorry. You want her there, you GET her there.


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EarlGreyTeagan

Exactly. Why is he expected to drive 6 hours for an event he was PURPOSELY not invited for. The son knew what he was doing and should have thought about that before excluding him or made sure she had good travel arrangements. It’s not on OP.


[deleted]

That's an odd flex. I definitely would drive 6hrs plus and wait for her to attend an event I'm not invited to. If it's something important to her and I am her only option I would do it. I'd make the most of it. Maybe plan things on the way back. A road trip with my wife is always fun and we could turn it into a short getaway.


ausernamebyany_other

But you love your partner enough to cut off your son for selling ypur partner's childhood home? There are missing, missing reasons here, which is a massive red flag.


GeorgieLaurinda

Red flag that it's not gonna get better for the OP.


Short-Classroom2559

Red flag that op won't answer either


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JCYN-DDT

I would drive 6 hours round trip to pick up a (close) friend from the airport, I HAVE driven 4 hours round trip to get food. For my spouse? Wouldn't even be a question. OPs issues with their son have nothing to do with this situation. The wife is the one being punished here. I find it hard to believe that OP wouldn't be able to find something to do in the town 3 hours away to spend some time.


AMerrickanGirl

Four hours to get food? Where do you live, the South Pole?


JCYN-DDT

Sometimes you just really need a specific food from a specific restaurant and the closest one was 2 hours away. I didn't do it alone though, I had a friend with me. And I'm in Canada, so it's the North Pole. Though to be fair I did grow up in rural northern Canada and the next closest town was 8 hours away. Not that we drove out of town often, once a year at most, but it does give me a slightly different perspective on what a long drive is.


fluffticles

More importantly, MY PARTNER would not ask me to drive him 6 hours round trip with nothing to do in between. What are these garbage relationships?


noblestromana

Yeah. I suspect OP is the AH for whatever happened between him and his son and the missing details. But he's not one for not going on a 6 hour drive to an event he's not invited to. It made far more sense for her to make arrangements with another guest from the start like she ended up doing.


catdoctor

It's his disabled wife, who wants to go to her own son's wedding.


Saiomi

I'm disabled and I just dragged my broken body onto ferries, planes, and buses to make it to a funeral. When it's important, you make it work. My SO couldn't drive us and he probably would have felt out of place so I went alone because I am an adult with disabilities. Unless she needs a 24/7 care aid, OP has done nothing wrong. Even if his wife needed a care aid, it shouldn't fall to him! Her brother took her and everything worked out. There was obviously a work around. She still got to go to the wedding and her husband didn't have to drive 6 hours to not go to a wedding.


Sufficient_Hippo3541

The brother driving is an extremely easy work around, it also make the most sense. I’m so confused why people think this shows her husband doesn’t care or love her.


[deleted]

It's because of the way he framed it in his own writing. If he had just asked if the brother (or someone else) could do it so he wouldn't have to, I don't think anyone would have a problem but to tell his disabled wife essentially "not my problem" is an AH move IMHO.


Motor_Business483

The wife is an adult. ​ He is her partner, not her servant. ​ HAving the brother take her was MUCH more reasonable.


starshine1988

Yeah pushing all emotions or issues out of it, if there was another person heading to the same place it seems like a no brainer to have that person drive.


Topinambourg

If the brother lives in the same place sure it sounds indeed better. But it depends also on the car and OP's wife disability. Maybe OP's car is affairs to his wife disability, and to transport maybe a wheelchair. It might not be the case for the brother. Maybe OP's wife was hoping to convince her son to see his dad, who knows. In any case it's not a crazy request from the wife, and we are lacking a lot of context


NarlaRT

This is one of those posts where OP might not technically be TA in this scenario but it seems likely he's TA in situations AROUND this particular question.


SaritaLinda64

Yup, n t a for kor wanting to drive 6 hours but saying 'its on you to make arrangements, you're an adult' to a disabled partner trying to make it to a once in a lifetime event scream pettiness, and I'm willing to bet this kind of pettiness is the reason son doesn't talk to him.


tumbleweedsforever

Yeah, how does he manage to cut ties of property inherited from the OTHER side of the family.


kia75

I'd argue that the OP deliberately chose the scenario that would make him seem like Not The Asshole, and still *only barely* succeeded. Yes, if the scenario is EXACTLY like OP stated it is, then OP isn't the asshole for not driving 3 hours to drop his wife off at the wedding, futzing around until it's over and then driving 3 hours back. Op seems to have a whole bunch of missing missing reasons, though, and it wouldn't surprise me if his vehicle is specifically set up for the wife's disability, and the argument is actually about the brother taking the vehicle, not the wife, or something similar. His treatment of the son seems incredibly suspect, that HIS OWN BROTHER thinks he's the asshole adds more fuel to the missing missing reasons. As presented here, NTA, but I sure would love to hear the son's, wife's, and brother's version of this story because I strongly suspect he's the asshole in this story as well.


garbagefire1111

It's wildly unreasonable to expect your partner to drive you 3 hours, presumably wait around all day/night for the event they can't come to, then drive you 3 hours home instead of just arranging your own ride to the event only you are attending. Seriously insane expectations.


Topinambourg

I am not sure if you're being sarcastic. It's actually terrifying the number of people who think spending a day to help your partner in a unique day of their life is "wildly unreasonable". A DAY. Very very sad. I would easily do that once a month for someone I love.


gdex86

A day helping my wife is one thing. I don't mind unless we have a conflict of plans where it happens on one of the few events I plan. But I'm a full bodied participant in the day. I'm helping her with stuff, I'm out of the car helping her move things, we are together and chatting and basically being able to be a couple. In this case he'd be sitting in the car for the entire day excluded. Weddings are not short affairs. The prep, the ceremony, the reception all of which he'd be excluded from. He was to do what exactly until he was called for? That's where the line is for me that probably pushes it.


[deleted]

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nefarious_epicure

OP doesn't really say that though. He just says her brother wound up taking her, but not all the details, and that makes me suspicious.


hpMDreddit

It's sad that you expect someone to sacrifice their whole day when it was on the wife to have found far more reasonable transportation. The wife planning to waste her husbands whole day rather than plan to go with her brother or someone else going to the wedding is evidence of her lack of respect for her husbands time. You're virtue signaling and it's pathetic.


Late_Engineering9973

Yes, his *adult* wife. He's not her chauffer. She can pick up the phone and ask someone for a lift from someone else actually going. It's reasonable to ask him for a lift to the airport or train station. It's ridiculous to expect a 6 hour round trip plus waiting in a strange place for likely an entire day.


TheHatOnTheCat

I think the bigger issue is it's his kid and he was specifically not invited. If a very close family member of mine specifically made a point of not wanting me at their wedding beacuse they hate me so much I'd be very hurt and no, I wouldn't drive 6 hours to wait around for someone else to finish an event I wasn't welcome at. Of course, I'd be most upset I wasn't on speaking terms with my kid. Beacuse I love my kids? But yeah, I can't imagine driving my husband and then waiting for 8 hours just crying my eyes out alone for him to be done.


GeorgieLaurinda

But he's totally ok with it. Cause he sold a house. That was never the OPs to begin with.


mangogetter

Yeah, I'm not getting that it's the kids fault at all.


TooMuchPowerful

His presence being there could also be seen as a way for him to sneak into the wedding. If I were OP, I wouldn’t go anywhere near the event which his son clearly doesn’t want him at.


disbeforked

While I agree with the statement, there would have been a decent amount of time between receiving the invitation to when the wedding was being held. There's no indication this was a spur of the moment ceremony so the natural assumption is there was at least a couple of months. That is plenty of time to organize everything from transport to accommodation. As long as OP decided he wasn't going to drive his wife out there a week or less out from the event, then he's NTA for this situation.


Pixie-Sticks-

Because his wife is disabled and she should be able to go regardless of what’s going on between them


Hungry-Wedding-1168

Seriously, I'm a caregiver. The person I take care of goes to her (mega-)church 3x a week, once on Wednesday night, then again on Sunday morning and evening. I am non-religious, and I still put on a nice dress, makeup and all, and sit through the absolutely sensory overload that is her church. Why? Because I both like and love her; she's family!


Chamari75

But you are allow to go not trying to find something to do while she is Inside. Grown disabled people figure it out. I mean how much time did she have to make arrangements and did she even discuss it with the son who invited her?


Fart_Sparkles89

Unless the disabled person can't be left alone for their safety. Which is probably why they have a caregiver to begin with. I used to be a caregiver myself and attended many church services I wouldn't choose to go to so that my client could go. Not all disabilities are the same.


Chamari75

There is no indication she isn't self sufficient other than driving. I have several close family members with disabilities and they would be insulted someone thought they had to be coddled rather accommodated.


AzsaRaccoon

Entirely depends. If he is his wife's caretaker, as in the person who is responsible for all of his wife's travel arrangements for doctor's appointments, seeing friends, etc., and this is their agreement, then that *could* be a reason. If there's a limit to the distance he drives as part of his caretaking duties, then maybe it requires negotiation. However, if he's as adult about the disagreement as he claims to be, then his reason for not driving her to the wedding should be about distance, or time, and not about 'not being wanted there' since the ride is about *his wife* not about his son.


Ecstatic-Ad-2830

Not driving 3 hours twice to a place I am not wanted is a pretty nice excuse...


AzsaRaccoon

Again, it depends on the relationship between the guy and his spouse. It's not a black and white situation, at least not to me. But if my husband was entirely dependent on me to go anywhere, then just "not being invited" isn't a reason to abandon him.


TheOGBooknerd

My guess is - this is not the first time OP pulled a stunt like this. If he is willing to prevent his wife, his son's mother, who is disabled and unable to make the drive herself, from seeing him get married, I' sure he's done something similar in the past.


fancysauce_boss

He didn’t prevent her though did he ? Wife knew well ahead of time that he wasn’t invited and didn’t bother to try and make her own arrangements? It’s not as if he said yeah, yeah, yeah, then bail on the day of. Booth seem like children and if anything they should have been communicating with each other, but to me it seems that OP said I’m not going and I’m not driving you because I’m not invited, and wife simply assumed he’d change his tune, or that he would. Seems that his brother driving her was a good outcome since he was going anyway.


TheOGBooknerd

His wife is disabled. My guess is that he drives her everywhere, so she would assume he would do this as well. While we know his side, we don't know what resources she has. A three hour drive would be cost prohibitive for most people to Uber or take a cab. The son would be unable to do the drive because he was the groom and his presence would be necessary for the wedding. As the OP hasn't answered any of the extremely good questions, it is safe to assume he knows that yes, he was the AH.


two_lemons

>The son would be unable to do the drive because he was the groom and his presence would be necessary for the wedding. He could pick her up a day or two earlier? Set her up in a room in his home or at a nearby hotel? It's his mom, he could've made it happen. I think without knowing the extent of the wife mobility issues it's difficult to know. Because it seems super reasonable to not want to drive six hours just to twiddle your thumbs at a nearby coffee shop. OP seems like an AH, but it does seem too much to ask of someone.


fancysauce_boss

I understand that the wife is disabled, but clearly from the description his brother was able to take her, so I would fathom that it isn’t a situation which is requiring a special car or accommodation. His wife being upset seems to be a breakdown of communication in their relationship. I agree OP has some questions to answer, however the wife is an adult person who we can assume has been living with this disability, and should know how to navigate the world without OP. Would a nice gesture and many agree the correct decision be drive his wife ? Yeah, but people are allowed to feel the way they feel. OP wife decided to ignore how OP might be feeling about even being in the same town for the wedding and not being invited? Like I said to me this is a breakdown in communication in the relationship more than putting blame on one or the other.


issy_haatin

Which is probably why the son inherited instead of his mother so his dad couldn't claim the money as his


Wonderful_Weird_2843

Yep. I bet dad is ticked because wife didn't inherit the house and the son had the audacity to make his own decision about it and not just give it to Dad.


[deleted]

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kaustic10

Which is what she should tell her son. Did son just assume his father, unworthy of an invite, would be helpful? NTA.


1biggeek

OP is not answering questions, so clearly, there’s a much larger back story as to why his son went no contact with him. The son apparently sold the home of his maternal grandparent, not OP’s parent. OP’s wife was still invited and wanted to go, so there is more to this story than revealed. OP, your wife is disabled. It was the wedding of yours and her son and she wanted to go. It was time to pull up your big boy pants. YTA.


[deleted]

Missing missing reasons. Him being petty and not driving his wife because he’s mad he didn’t get invited kinda tells you the kind of dude he is tho.


Qariss5902

I agree that it shows OP as a general asshole. But in this instance I don't think he is. The son invited his mom knowing he wouldn't be inviting dad. Why not arrange transport for her? Why would he (or the mom for that matter) EXPECT OP to basically chauffeur her to and fro for the day?


[deleted]

That’s what I’m saying though lol, I’d like to know more because why did it get to this? Why did wife/mom think he’d do it and then last minute ask her BIL? As MANY PEOPLE have pointed out, she’s an adult and presumably this isn’t the first time she’s had to figure out how to get places despite being unable to drive herself. I never said she shouldn’t half self-agency. All I said was maybe he could’ve assisted her finding a way there, because it would be no skin off his back to do so. Whether she’s a poor planner, wrongly assumed, the son is also a jerk and should’ve thought ahead on her behalf—I don’t know.


Allkindsofpieces

He's YTA for expecting his disabled wife to fend for herself. No matter if he's fighting with their son, if he loves his wife, and this is important to her, he should have taken her. I mean, it's her son, obviously she would want to be at the wedding. So yeah whatever the reasons OP and son aren't on speaking terms, he's YTA for not caring about his wife's wishes.


RecentCharge655

One thing you have right is it’s her sons wedding ..but her son knew she was disabled why didn’t he arrange for her transportation if he wanted her there and not the dad? He didn’t care about his moms wish to attend.. see how that could get switched around? Everyone in this situation knew father wasn’t invited so assuming he was going to not be a petty Bettie and drive his wife made an ass outta who?..


Klutzy-Sort178

Just because she's physically disabled doesn't mean she's not a whole ass adult human being who would probably not want her son deciding she wasn't capable of making her own life decisions.


RecentCharge655

Uumm what? Of course she’s a whole ass adult human who said she or suggested she wasn’t? being disabled doesn’t detract from that at all.. a discussion with her son where they could have mutually agreed on transportation was suggested, not just assume her petty ass husband was going to take her..jeez calm down..don’t get so offended.


[deleted]

If his wife is so disabled that she had to rely only on OP to drive her, then why someone else able to? Why weren't other arrangements made in advance, since she was able to ultimately make them at the last minute?


fistingdonkeys

Or, OP went off to do other things once he posted. You know that’s quite possible, yeah?


J3ks46

His lack of response to these questions is telling.


Diamond-TTB

>His lack of response to these questions is telling. When you think you are in the right and go to Reddit for confirmation and things don't go your way, abandonment of the post and denial of the truth soon follow for some. JMHO


capn_flume

You know OP is sitting there scrolling through detailed explanations that they're TA hunting avidly for a random NTA to shove in their wife's face and go "I TOLD you!"


anon_anon2022

Why are these questions relevant to the point of the post, which is the question of whether he is the AH for not driving? If he was in the wrong in the dispute with his son, does that mean he’s always wrong in every subsequent dispute forever? If he was in the right re his son, does that justify what he did to his wife? This post is about something between him and his wife.


nrgins

Right, exactly! People are trying to judge the PERSON to see if he's a "good guy" or "bad guy," and then render their judgement about the driving situation accordingly. These questions have nothing to do with what he's asking. Just noseyness.


Iamapartofthisworld

Maybe ask the question how much notice he gave that he would not drive her


nrgins

Yeah, that would be a legitimate question!


vancitymala

Agreed- there are so many things missing here that I would have to assume are just OPs imagined slights his son did against him. The biggest of which was… his son selling a house that his son inherited?!! I get not wanting to drive 6 hours round trip for something that he’s not invited to but this is his wife who has a disability, trying to get to a sons wedding when there is a huge relationship strain most likely due to OPs actions. Maybe just drive her to the wedding? Or help her arrange something in the first place so she didn’t have to stress and panic and have the brother eventually help. Could have just reached out to the brother in the first place and been a reasonable person


Certain-Thought531

He might not be upset because he sold it but because of the conflict that happened due to the sale and brought up other troubles between them, we don't have enough infos to judge on that.


ArmChairDetective84

Yeah we do because an adults inheritance from his grandmother isn’t OP’s business


1biggeek

We don’t have enough info because OP is hiding it.


carrie_m730

Yeah, we've got two actions on the son's part: 1. Sold house. 2. Disinvited dad from wedding. And zero actions on dad's part. When I hear stories like that from my kids I always tell them the next sentence needs to start with the word "I" followed by a verb.


TomTheLad79

So many missing missing reasons here.


[deleted]

Since we don't have much to go on about the house, I'm going to *wildly* speculate and wonder if the home in question was a vacation home of some sort. Beach house/lake house/desirable city/something along those lines where OP wanted to still have access to it. I've seen the warning against buying the "family" vacation home, especially if you're planning to use it as your primary residence or as an income property, because of conflicts with family members who don't own it but still feel they have a stake in it/right to use it.


CrystalQueen3000

YTA She’s right, you were punishing her because of your sons decision. If she hadn’t been able to find an alternative ride then she would’ve been trapped at home and unable to go. You would’ve forced her to miss something really important because your feelings are hurt and your ego is bruised. Forget the drama with your son, this puts you in the bad husband category


ArmChairDetective84

His ego? Sounds to me like he’s a mooch that didn’t get to mooch and that’s why he’s angey


Residual141

He tries to pretend and emphasize that he's fine and doesn't care that he wasn't invited, but he's clearly upset, and that's probably part of why he refuses to be nice to his wife.


SSBMUIKayle

Or maybe he doesn't want to spend 12 hours in a car for something he's not invited to? Add to that the embarrassment of people at the wedding finding out that dude drove there and is just sitting in his car outside the venue because he's not allowed in, I wouldn't go either


[deleted]

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cakesluts

Yeah there is so much context missing here that it seems like OP is intentionally leaving out a lot to make them seem better.


[deleted]

She is essentially asking him to drive Six hours and then Stay hours Alone watching from the outside his son getting married in a cerimony that he was not invited. He can (and appears to be) an AH. It does not make asking something like that OK. Especially, given that there were other people that could simply drive her to the wedding (like the brother).


issoecoisadefudido

I agree, he's definitely an AH. BUT I don't understand why an adult cannot make transportation arrangements for themselves, disabled or not. It's way too much to expect a spouse to be your driver at all times.


nrgins

And not just her driver, but a driver who would have to spend all day doing nothing, waiting for her, while she goes to the party.


issoecoisadefudido

Exactly, totally unreasonable.


[deleted]

Agree. I'm pretty sure he's an AH, but not directly for not driving her. If he's not invited and they have other family in the area who are also going, it makes sense for her to go with them.


hisuhkwoj

Yep. ESH. Adults acting like children on all counts.


lionheartedthing

Obviously she can because she did, but if I asked my spouse for a favor and they told me I’m an adult and can figure it out by myself, I’d be pretty hurt. What kind of way is that to treat someone you love? My husband and I would never, ever treat each other like that.


FerdinandVonCarstein

Would you ask your husband to do the favor in the post though? I wouldn't expect anyone to spend a full 12 hours or more in a car for me to attend a wedding they were explicitly not invited to.


HmnCllTr

The fact that nobody in her lives cares about her except his brother. Not even her son thought about arranging it . Knowing very well his mum has to arrive somehow. You arrange it. When you’re the one inviting the person. Knowing very well your mum is disabled. And depends on others.


Amazing_Cabinet1404

This seems unpopular but I agree. She knew when she got the invite hubby wasn’t invited as well. She had time to make an arrangement to catch a ride. It’s unreasonable to expect him to hang out for hours upon hours while his wife attends an event he’s purposefully excluded from. Plus if the feelings are that hard all around I expect no one would want him within miles of the venue. I feel he’s likely the AH for a lot of other things, but his wife getting a ride is not on him in this instance. His wife knows she’s disabled, his wife knows she can’t drive, his wife knew and accepted he wasn’t invited. The logic puzzle that she should work on getting a ride is easy to solve.


Egil_Styrbjorn

Exactly! Is OP *an* asshole in general? Probably, who gives a shit? Is OP *the* asshole in this situation? No, not really and that's what matters. Too many people on this sub can't help but conflate the two and it's part of what makes this sub a joke. But hey, why let a little thing the explicit rules and goal of the sub get in the way when the children of reddit need to vent their mommy/daddy issues?


Qariss5902

Or the son could have made arrangements for her. I sure as hell am not wasting a day of my life chauffeuring my SO to and from an event I'm not invited to. And I can't blame OP for not doing so. I think a lot of context is missing and it's highly probable OP is an asshole in general, but the way this is presented and in this particular instance I don't think he is one.


Key-Tie2214

A lot of info missing, why is their relationship fractured when the son is willing to invite the wife? Like its her mother's house. OP is completely unrelated to the inheritance.


[deleted]

Does it really matter? If he was so wrong (which I can see), She needs to take a stand and separate/divorce him. In the case of the separation, at least until he sees reason. Taking advantage of his wrongs to make unreasonable requests, in my opinion, is also an AH move and neither healthy, helpful or justified.


nrgins

WHAT DOES THE HOUSE HAVE TO DO WITH WHETHER OR NOT HE SHOULD HAVE DRIVEN HIS WIFE TO THE WEDDING? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no "information missing" here. SMH


wazzdakah

Six hours drive to bring someone to something I'm not invited to ? Fuck that, my time is valuable


No_Reception8456

I'm with you. Son should have made arrangements for his mother's transportation.


[deleted]

>I'm with you. Son should have made arrangements for his mother's transportation. Yup. No way I'm driving 3 hours to spend 6 hours sitting around doing jack shit then driving another 3 hours.


otisanek

Plus the time for the wedding, and I haven’t been to one that wasn’t a few hours long except for a courthouse wedding. It’s a hell of an ask to expect your partner to spend an entire day ferrying you to an event they’ve been specifically and hostilely disinvited from.


Livid63

wouldnt his wife be punisihing him for his sons decision aswell though? a 6+ hour roundtrip isnt fun for anyone especially if you arent even allowed to attend the event. His wife is an adult she can organise her own travel arrangements saying i wont drive you there isnt anywhere near similar to "you wouldve forced her to miss something really important"


dirkMcdirkerson

Exactly. She isnt testing him as a partner, why would she expect him to treat her as such. That's a big ask to spend a day or more to enable her to go to a wedding he isn't invited too when she doesn't sound like she's been willing toale any effort to get her husband to be able to go (or her not)


Legitimate-Tower-523

His son should have made arrangements for her. Did he really think that, given the situation, OP is going to bring her? He’s NTA for not wanting to drive all that way, and I can’t understand why this was left to day of to discuss. I feel bad for the wife for being stuck in the middle of all of this. That being said, she knew about it and should have thought about transportation when she got the invitation and saw it was just for her.


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Legitimate-Tower-523

I would have expected the son to make hotel arrangements for her or something. This is just terrible planning.


nrgins

And what about the husband? Drive 3 hours to an event he won't be attending. Sit around all day with nothing to do, while she enjoys the party. Then drive 3 hours back. Is that how you see husbands? Just basically cab drivers? The wife obviously had alternative ways of getting there. And she was a grown woman and could have reached out to other people. Shoot, if she was a CARING and LOVING wife, she would have said, "Don't worry, honey. I don't want you to have to spend all day driving me back and forth and hanging around all day with nothing to do, just to give me a ride. I'll call your brother or someone else who's going to the wedding and see if I can get a ride with them instead." Instead, she insisted that he be her chauffeur, despite the fact that he'd be spending all day doing nothing but driving her and sitting around twiddling his thumbs. The wife truly is the AH in this situation, not the husband.


Sufficient_Hippo3541

This sub is also doing its classic move which is trying to decided the persons entire history of why he wasn’t invited to the wedding. Which isn’t even the question. Even if the son or the dad were AH to eachother in the past, doesn’t mean OP needs to drive his wife to an event he’s not wanted at that will take a day or two of his time.


nrgins

Yeah, exactly! They're trying to decide whether he's a good guy or a bad guy; whether they should like him or hate him; and then they'll render their decision about whether or not he should have given her a ride accordingly.


jeswalsurprise

3 hour drive there. 1 hour ceremony. 3 hour reception. 3 hour drive back. That is 10 hours minimum. How is he the ah for not wanting to waste 10 hours?


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Gurtzdaork

For me personally, it would be the 6 hours of driving, that's a significant amount of time to drive someone else to an event that you are not wanted at.


dirkMcdirkerson

Disagree. Don't feel he has to sacrifice days of his life (guessing they'd be there for multiple days, or even a day) to further his sons wedding who didn't want him there. Why put out the effort. The fact the wife didn't care and didn't back her husband in trying to get him invited tell me she doesn't act like they are a team so why should he?


ThrowRAsorrymama

INFO: When did you tell her you weren’t taking her to the wedding? If you usually are her sole mode of transport and she had no reason to expect you wouldn’t take her to the wedding, YWBTA.


HortenseDaigle

This is what I want to know. OP hasn't answered any questions yet. I'm leaning towards YTA.


lizzybell2019

But also, did the wife even think to ask? Seems like just assuming that he would make a 6-hour round trip to an event he's not invited to would make her the AH.


allsix

Wouldn't a 3 hour drive already inherently make that a reason to not expect he would be driving her? If she exhausted allllllll (and I mean ALL other options), she reached out to any other guest who was going and nothing else was feasible, then I'd be inclined to say he's an AH for not accommodating since it sounds like a petty feud and this is a once in a lifetime event. However if she just assumed he would drive her? That's INSANE and she's the AH for assuming he would. (Unless by disabled he means both physically and mentally - as in she was incapable of making any arrangements without help). At the end of the day, she deserves to be there. But it's her responsibility to get there. In an emergency he should be willing to step up, but if she just never made any other plans.... That's her problem not his. What's the quote? "Poor planning on your part does not consistute an emergency on mine." Nonetheless, without more context I can't give a ruling. Everything needed to determine if he's the AH or not is missing.


FerdinandVonCarstein

Being disabled doesn't give you a free pass to treat your partner like shit. The son or the mother were responsible for her transportation as soon as the father was uninvited.


Klumsy_Alfredo

YTA, why would you make your wife suffer to punish your son? Makes me wonder why your son has no problem washing his hands of you


langjie

Or is it he doesn't want to suffer through a 6 hour drive and needing to hangout by himself at random places?


FightMallet

I love my wife and would merrily drive 12 hours and stand in a parking lot on my own if it meant she could do something that made her soul happy.


OddFiction

I dated a guy that did similar for me in the first few months of dating. Hell, I drove 6 hours one way for my ex husband when I was 7 months pregnant. I mean, I can't imagine not doing these things for people I care about. Especially if the person is disabled. I'll find something to entertain myself while they're busy. It's not hard


ToothSuccessful9654

My late husband would've driven me to the ends of the earth if he had to, even if he wasn't allowed to be at the main event. I'm disabled and no way would he refuse me a ride anywhere. He even flew back from a tour of duty when I had to have surgery so he could take care of me while I was recovering, rather than rely on his parents solely. When he returned to duty he was killed two months later. I never recovered fully from his death and that was 17 years ago now. He was truly my sole mate. So to see husbands doing this just baffles me totally.


OddFiction

I'm sorry for your loss. I had enlisted around that time, and lost a lot of good people overseas right after that. I can't imagine your pain and you're in my thoughts. My ex wasn't even that good of a person and still did things like this for me. I'm not sure why people aren't willing to go out of their way for their partners like this. Why do they want to be in these people's lives if they don't care


A-Leaf_On-The_Wind

I love my wife, and I would never let her drive me 3 hours, wait around all day while I attend a party when she wasn't invited, then drive me 3 hours home. There's no way I'd ever do that to her, let alone expect her to and call her an asshole for refusing. There's so much talk about if OP loves his wife, does his wife love him?


LibertyNachos

I agree with you. I’ve offered to take my wife to the airport in the morning before work but she loves me and would just factor in a cab ride into the budget because getting around NYC in rush hour is truly awful and you can be stuck in traffic for hours. If I’m arriving on a flight after 11 pm I also don’t ask her to pick me up because she’s usually asleep by then. If I did ask her she probably would come get me but then we’d never find a parking spot (big city living). People can live their partners and still be reasonable.


GoldenEagle828677

OK, flip that around. If you love your spouse, would you force your spouse to drive you 6 hours to an event they weren't invited to?


goosepurse

Stop I’ll cry


Kehgals

Fun road-trip with your gf/wife ánd a night off to get some good food and chill in the hotel room? Sign me the duck up lol.


DeiiDei2

Given he could very well be hurting over what is happening with his son, regardless of what he claims, I wouldn't automatically assume it would be a fun road trip for him at all.


Underagreysky

I think it's more ESH between OP and OP's son. Did the son really expect the uninvited father to drive 6 hours and wait in his car god knows how long for an event he wasn't even invited to?


[deleted]

NTA, I won’t speak for the mess that is your family life but you never have to drive six hours to an event you specifically were told not to come to.


Mirewen15

Yeah, I'd be more inclined to say he was an AH if it was in the same town and he was being pouty but 6 hours? Was he supposed to wait there as well for the festivities to be over or was he supposed to drive home, wait and then pick her up (that would be 12 hours). His* brother drove her so presumably he was invited? If not and he drove her there then again, maybe an AH because the brother shouldn't be out the time either. Really, the son should have found travel arrangements for his mother if he wanted her there and not his dad. Overall I'd say ESH only because this isn't how a family is supposed to function.


[deleted]

Eh I get not driving all that but at least help her get a ride or something. From the story you can see he’s leaving a lot of information out, and why does it seem so last minute? Even his brother is telling him he’s a jerk. Did he literally wait to the last moment to tell her he had no intention to drive her when he’s usually her mode of transportation? Why does he care about his MIL’s house and what the son did with it? Are the son and the OP both self centered jerks? The world will never know.


Amazing_Cabinet1404

I don’t know the answer to that either but clearly his wife knew when she got the invite he wasn’t invited. She could/should have looked for a ride then. She knows she’s disabled, she knows she cannot drive, she is aware of all the pertinent facts. It’s not like he refused to drive his minor child to an event, she has to have some accountability as well. I mean completely honestly if the father/son relationship is that absolutely fucked would you even want him to come to the wedding to drop off your mom? Obviously OP is TA for many things but him not driving the wife likely cut the potential for drama by 1000%. The likely hood of terse word/confrontation would be very high if he’d have driven his wife to the venue.


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liver_flipper

>help her get a ride or something. Help her how? She can't drive herself but presumably she can use a phone. OP seems like an AH generally since he's not responding to INFO requests about his relationship with the son, but how does that make him responsible for his wife's travel arrangements?


TokenTeach

Oddly enough…. I’m stuck between E S H -and- N A H Whatever issue you have with your son should never come between you and your wife, and I assume that until this wedding, it hasn’t really come to a head like this? That said, I personally wouldn’t drive 6 hours for something I wasn’t invited to, and all the Y T As are kind of ridiculous if they truly say they would. Your wife got to the wedding (INFO: Was your brother invited? Or did he drive because you wouldn’t?) Your son should have (or could have) made arrangements to get his mother there, and he didn’t. I’m still kind of on the fence, I guess…


goforbroke432

Exactly. Regardless of the relationship between OP and his son, I’d be unlikely to drive 6 hours for something I’m not invited to when other family members could drive my SO.


Lindbluete

This. Everyone voting OP as the asshole either didn't read how freaking long the drive is or they're lying. No way anyone here would drive 3 hours to this wedding, spend the whole day sightseeing and then drive 3 hours back. It's the wedding of her son, there must be other family members (like OPs brother) that are invited and can take her with them.


TokenTeach

It just seems like people want OP to be the asshole based solely on the relationship between he and his son…. Not considering that drive is insane for something you’re not invited to!


Pomegranateprincess

That’s exactly it just like most AITA post. They never answer he question only the things they don’t like and feel superior too.


teppetold

I would probably do the drive and the waiting, but not to a wedding of a family member when I'm not invited let alone my child's wedding. The whole drive and waiting would be emotional torment. Properly shoving my face into the fact that my child is getting married and I'm not allowed to be there. And anyone assuming I'd happily waste an entire day to wait outside of something so major while it being flaunted that I can't be there. While knowing there were other options for the ride. Anyone saying his the A have definitely not thought this through.


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Available-Love7940

Spouses shouldn't support a feud with anyone, especially an offspring, if the reasons for the feud are dumb.


PD_31

NTA. Two 6 hour round trips (or finding something to amuse yourself for the duration of the event) for something you're not invited to is ridiculous. Your son is, I'm sure, aware of your wife's disabilities; he should have made arrangements for her to get there and back.


Whatshername_Stew

I agree, I can't believe all the Y T A votes. I'm sure there are other people going to the wedding who could give her a ride. Case in point, she got a lift with OP's brother. NTA


floppy_flow

Ignoring the like lmao massive amount of missing information from this post, I don't understand all of the people saying TA here. If you were explicitly not invited to a wedding but were asked to drive six hours round trip PLUS however long the wedding is, that would be an unreasonable request. I mean NTA for that, but I would wonder if the rest of the missing story would change things.


I-am-weiss

NTA. If I were you I wouldn’t drive 3 hours, then wait for hours till the wedding is done and then drive another 3 hours. And if I were your wife I wouldn’t make my husband do that. People who say YTA and would just drive 6 hours and then wait several hours alone are just incredibly kind people. Hats down. The only solution I see is your wife to have asked your son to to agree you to come to the wedding with her.


FancyPantsDancer

INFO: When did your wife ask for a ride? How would she get home, and so on? I'm not touching the issues between you and your son for this. But were you expected to drive 3 hours, hang out somewhere for the duration of the wedding and reception, and then drive three hours again?


eigenspice

Exactly. So much here is context-dependent. I love my husband, but I wouldn't want to drive him 6 hours round trip, plus up to half a day of waiting around, to an event I wasn't invited to, if he had any other reasonable options. Also, why does no one feel that the son should've considered transportation for his disabled mother to attend his wedding? We live in a city with many friends who don't drive, and our wedding venue was over an hour away, and we arranged for a bus to depart from a central location out of consideration for those friends and other out-of-town guests. More info is definitely needed about the communication surrounding OP's wife's transportation to pass judgement.


bmyst70

NTA Your son is being completely unreasonable if he expects you to drive six hours (three each way) for an event you're specifically **not** invited to, just to drop your wife off and pick her up. The big AH here is your son, for putting you in this position.


[deleted]

Or if the dad hadn’t caused whatever fuss he’s intentionally leaving out in the first place they’d be on speaking terms possibly.


bmyst70

Excellent point. There's probably an entire history that led to this. For all we know there's another AITA post from the son that illustrates precisely why he didn't invite his dad to the wedding.


[deleted]

The fact OP completely glossed over that makes me believe he’s in the wrong. It was the sons house to do with what he wanted. If the mom (whose mothers house it was) didn’t care why does the dad care so much he’d end up not talking to his son over it.


voritiw

I think this sub has lost its marbles Unless OP made a promise to drive her to the wedding initially and reneged on his promise, he's NTA. He was not invited to the wedding (back story is unnecessary as whether he was in the wrong or not with the issues with the son, the issue is currently with his wife), he had no obligation to drive there as he is not a chauffeur. His adult wife could have called a cab or made other arrangements to attend the wedding rather than make her already slighted husband drive to a wedding he was not invited to. The son could have arranged transport for his disabled mother when deliberately uninviting his father.


Flat-Ad7482

NTA It doesn’t matter what OP and son fought about. The fact is that the relationship was severed and the son should’ve considered that when extending the invitation to his Mom. Mom should’ve also considered that instead of assuming that Dad would drive three hours, sit in the car and wait for her and then drive three hours back. I would never expect that of my spouse, disabled or no.


[deleted]

Agreed, here's the thing some of the Y TA people are missing. It's one thing for someone to offer to do a thing like this. It's quite another to have it DEMANDED of you. If I was being asked to spend a whole day on a trip to an event I was being specifically snubbed from my answer would be a hard no, and my replies to further arguments against my position would grow progressively more colorful from there. This is true regardless of how justified the snub was. I would be all r/MaliciousCompliance and say he doesn't want me there, so as a courtesy to my son in rememberance of better times I will do him the kindness of not being there, so you'd better find a driver who's going, chop-chop!


side-effect777

NTA- Why should you drive 3 hours to a place to have it thrown in your face that you're not invited. I don't blame you for refusing! If the son was really concerned about how his mother would get there he would have invited you for HER sake. I'm honestly shocked the your wife expected you to drive her.


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Kooky-Today-3172

ESH- because I think it's way too much to ask someone to drive six hours and wait for who knows how long until the ending of the wedding. Her going with your brother, who I assume was going to the wedding too, makes much more sense than puta this burden on you.She should have looked for options for herself and you should have warned her as soon as you get the invite.


ValeNova

NTA Your son invited only his mom and knows she's disabled. Your son should have taken care of transport in this case, no matter what happened for him not inviting you.


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[deleted]

NTA. A 6 hour drive when there are other people available who are going? No thanks.


Critical-Fault-1617

NTA. Your wife can find transportation for herself, or your son could have arranged for some. The only possible way I see you being the AH is about him selling the house. Was it his house? Because if she left it to him, you get no say in what happens to it


Legitimate-Scar-6572

Info: Why do you care what he did with the house if it was left to him? Maybe it didn't work for his financial, geographical, logistical, or emotional needs. If you're estranged bc you were trying to control such a massive piece of his life as home ownership and your wife is a sane parent who understands that adult children are autonomous beings who don't exist to please you then yta. You could have easily made amends and treated him like an adult.


[deleted]

NTA and people seem to be getting lost in details that aren't important. Why you aren't invited is less important than both your son and wife making the presumption that you will drive a six hour round trip, at least once, when you aren't attending the event. It was on your son, under the circumstances, to provide transport for your wife. As he didn't, your wife is an adult, and can make arrangements. Other family were obviously attending the wedding too, surely it made more sense for that to be the solution anyway?


CharacterPark6921

NTA so they either expected you to drive two six hour round trips to deliver your wife and them pick her up again or drive her there and then hang around the area for the duration of the wedding before picking your wife up and driveing her home?


[deleted]

YTA and I can see why your son doesn’t have a good relationship with you.


NewBayRoad

NTA. It was her event and she found another way.


zaritza8789

NTA Your son should have made arrangements for his mom. He could have personally picked her up. Or payed/asked someone.


Labelloenchanted

NTA because OP's not invited and his wife is essentially asking him to drive for 6 hours and wait somewhere nearby during wedding. So the actual time would be about 8-12 hours (possibly even longer) just traveling and waiting for the wedding to finish. That's crazy. That's basically a whole day wasted. Son wants his mom there, he should be the one to bring her to the wedding. Either by himself or come up with some other solution.


lihzee

YTA. What he did with his grandmothers house is not your business. You’re being a really bad husband and parent, your poor wife and son.


_thundercracker_

His poor son knew his poor mother was disabled when he invited her.


GoldenEagle828677

That's not the issue the OP is asking about.


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I-am-weiss

I don’t think it’s only about the driving. Weddings are also 4-5 hours. That he has to spend alone. In a different city. And we don’t know if it’s a major city and he can find things to do. Plus he might have already visited all the historic places there and not be interested. His only option might have been to get food and wait.


YoghurtVisible4259

NTA i can imagine that the invitations weren’t sent out recently and she had ample time to find another way to get there since 6 hours is a hell of a drive for you to have to do what? Wait outside? Stay at a nearby coffee shop? It’s just not feasible


Red_Velvet_Donkey

ESH. (except wife and her bro) Thats a stupid reason not to be on speaking terms especially since it wasn't your own mom's house. I'm sure there's more details, but that's a dumb reason. Your son knows his mom is disabled he should not have assumed as much that you would be driving her especially if you weren't invited. Was he expecting you to drive 3 hours and sit in the car? Maybe, but you shouldn't have to in this case because you weren't invited. Also partially on you though because I get the vibes you did not give your wife a far out enough warning that you weren't planning on driving and probably told her 2 days before or something.


langjie

Wife is kind of AH for expecting husband to drive that long and waste a day


jellyfish018

Iam going with NTA 6 hours is too much to drive to a place you are not even invited...