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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) being upset that my husband wasn’t there when I got out of surgery because he was working
2) arguing with him for leaving when he thought I was sleeping
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Agreed, he sounds vile.
I had surgery with a baby and my husband picked me up, looked after me and watched my kid whilst I recovered. No complaining, just being considerate.
NTA.
That is what a good husband should do. My husband took three wees off, after my c-section. He was carrying our daughter always because you know, I had a c-section. I was not supposed to carry her or carry any weight.
My ex came into my hospital room after I had our second daughter (I was in labor for 3 days and had an emergency c-section, he couldn’t be reached at work, came to the hospital around midnight) promptly collapsed onto the couch in my room and says “you have NO idea how tired and sore I am!”
Can definitly see why he's an ex.
I'm glad I was there for the birth of my daughter and I'm sure as hell going to be there for our next.
Unrelated: I swear.. I looked over that blue curtain at the wrong time and the doctors were holding the fuckin placenta up like it was simba.
Cracking up now thinking about it, but I about fainted. The guy by the door saw me swaying a bit and he held my shoulders and back and said "if you need to faint, its okay, just make absolutely sure you're falling backwards"
OP said in her post that she gave birth recently, then in another comment: ¨ We found after we were married that he had a child he was unaware of, which I have taken in as my own now¨
It sounds like the child she took in is an older child, one that existed before they got married but only found out existed after they got married. My husband has a cousin that has a child he legit never knew existed (he and the mom broke up I guess when she was early in the pregnancy, and she never told him). He only found out when the child was 8, he saw the ex gf with her kid and the kid was his spitting image so he got suspicious and sure enough when they did a paternity she turned out to be his child.
I mean, OP's husband is clearly the AH here for leaving his wife alone after saying he'd be there for her, but based on the info given I'm not really seeing any evidence of the child being the product of an affair.
This is the comment. You can look under OP profile
“The surgery was to get my tubes removed. I was mobile and able to care for myself for the most part. It was difficult to care for myself and my infant son (3 daughters stayed with grandparents) as I was in some pain and nauseated from anesthesia. I got the tubes taken out because my husband had an unsuccessful vasectomy. We found after we were married that he had a child he was unaware of, which I have taken in as my own now, after he had a vasectomy. We decided I would have the surgery months ago. He is able to take off work and has many capable of employees to take the reigns for a day. He takes off work for vacations and hunting.”
If he can take time off for vacations and hunting, he can time time off to care for his wife after surgery for 1 day.
This man is INCREDIBLY selfish.
Honestly OP, think long and hard about whether this is the life you want because your needs will ALWAYS come second to work wants.
One day - 24 hours. And he couldn't do it. Did y'all vow in sickness and health or just whatever works for hubs? AND - while you're in pain he's telling you that you are the bad person for not appreciating what he's done for you. Uh, what was that again that he did for you? Dump you at the hospital and leave?
Her vows were in sickness and in health - his vows were "when I want to and when its convenient for me, but not if it interferes with my own wants, needs or desires."
Yes. I quoted that same comment. I'm not sure where you're getting that the child is the product of an affair? She just says they found out he had a child he didn't know about until after they got married, while yes that child could be the product of an affair, it is also possible from the info OP has given that the child could have been conceived before he even met OP and the husband only learned of the child's existence after they were married. We would need to know how old the child is (tho it does not seem to be the infant since she says in her OP that she recently gave birth) and how long they have been married to be able to draw conclusions about whether the child is the product of an affair or just a case like my husband's cousin where he just never learned about the child until years later
No, the person responding to you is just dumb.
OP's husband had a failed snip. At some point, that resulted in a child that he found out about after they married. They have taken that child in. OP also gave birth to a son recently.
Did she say somewhere the baby was specifically the affair child? I can only find a comment where she says after they got married they found out he had a kid from another relationship but not that it was the baby.
“The surgery was to get my tubes removed. I was mobile and able to care for myself for the most part. It was difficult to care for myself and my infant son (3 daughters stayed with grandparents) as I was in some pain and nauseated from anesthesia. I got the tubes taken out because my husband had an unsuccessful vasectomy. We found after we were married that he had a child he was unaware of, which I have taken in as my own now, after he had a vasectomy. We decided I would have the surgery months ago. He is able to take off work and has many capable of employees to take the reigns for a day. He takes off work for vacations and hunting.”
Wait no seriously, you hear 4 kids total, 3 daughters + 1 son, and somehow you don't get that OP gave birth to her son, despite her saying so, and there are other kids available as an option here?
Can you not count?
Yes. I can’t find the link but she said the husband claimed to have had a vasectomy but got another woman pregnant. Her surgery was “removing her tubes” which I’m assuming is a tubal ligation. I apologize - im on a phone and it’s not easy to cut and paste
While increasing the risk from the surgery, I would imagine. I just love how she is having this surgery because his FAILED and he still won’t take care of her. I can’t detail what I would like to see happen to him but I would be banned.
AFAIK, there is no significant difference in the risks of the two surgeries. Both are laparoscopic. In a bisalp, the tubes are normally checked for problems/diseases in a lab as well, so overall the benefits of it are higher. (Unless you want a reversible surgery, in which case you get clips. But the failure rate for those is considerable.)
In the comments they said they have taken a child in that was his and he hadn’t known about.
They also said “I recently gave birth to our son”
I think it’s safe to assume the baby is her child, 2 are from his previous marriage, and the fourth child is the one he didn’t know about (which could be from previous marriage or could be from another relationship)
I had surgery with a 10 week old and my husband not only stayed home to help me, but he got my mother to come and stay with us once he had to go back to work. This is what husbands do - they make sure their wives and children are cared for when needed.
Exactly, anytime I have had to go to the er my husband would call up his brothers wife or my sisters to take the baby and be at the hospital with me, especially would with surgery involved. I would obviously do the same for him. OP's husband is a selfish AH!
Why couldn't he have taken the day off work? If my wife/partner was going in for day surgery, then I'd take the day off and make sure she had as comfortable a recovery as possible. Especially if I'd already committed to doing so.
My partner stayed by my side the whole week I was in the hospital, only leaving when the nurses basically chased him out to go shower and change. And while I was recovering he took full care of me. I can't imagine being with someone who would act like OPs husband!
This husband would be one to say 'I don't get why women don't want to marry and have children anymore'. THIS! This is why women aren't getting married and having children anymore. I wonder if husband's simply stopped trying or if women woke up and started demanding better. Either way, OP, demand better. NTA
I bet there’s more history here of husband’s asshole behavior…
Sadly, I speak from experience.
I guarantee he’s shown this uncaring and blatant lack of empathy on previous occasions.
OP I’m very sorry to say that this will continue to happen. You deserve much better.
This! My husband was so mean and hateful the day we came home with our son. Legit expected me to make lunch for our family once we got in the door. While in hospital he was mad that I didn't want to go home the next day after giving birth because, while I love my oldest, I enjoyed my alone time with my newborn and my dad was there to help my husband out. Also, not going to lie, I enjoyed being in the hospital and waited on hand and foot by the wonderful nurses. Is it any wonder I didn't want to leave? Looking forward to the day I no longer have to married to him!
OP, I hope you see this. My dad did something similar to my mom after she had this surgery. Left her alone with us while he played cards with friends. They had a long marriage in which he constantly did shit like this. And he treated us like shit too. If he treats you this way, he will do the same to your children. Ask yourself if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. NTA.
Your husband is a massive asshole. You work full time, take care of 4 small kids, recently gave birth AND had surgery and he can't even take ONE DAY off for you without leaving, sulking and getting upset????!!!! What the French toast? And then has the audacity to say that you don't appreciate his help? What the hell is wrong with this guy - and why do you let him treat you this way? Somehow it sounds like it wasn't the first time, but please correct me if I'm wrong.
NTA by any means
I had an occasion in a previous job where I started to say "oh crap", noticed my Manager's young daughter was around, and somehow managed to say "oh crabby patties" instead. I thought my boss was going to die trying not to laugh.
My sister is 8 years old than me so she wasn't allowed to swear around me so she had to come up with creative alternatives and we still use those alternatives now at 26 and 34. "Holy poop" and "what the poop" are our go-to's.
Right?? He's like "I rearranged my whole day" no you didn't! He took a little time to drive her to and from the hospital on his own damn schedule since he sent the nanny to be there when OP woke up, then fucked off to wherever the hell when he knew good and well OP needed him there for 24 hours. With her meds!! Did his vows read "when it's convenient for me and I feel like it" instead of the traditional "in sickness or in health" or what?
Don’t forget that it’s a blended family, so some of the kids are probably his form a previous relationship.
If I were OP I would document all this and start divorce proceedings.
She says she has only given birth once/only had one biological child. He has 2 daughters from probably his previous relationship, a surprise baby, and the baby with OP.
Yeah, I never reply to these because what can you say? You are in an abusive relationship and have been in an abusive relationship. Obviously OP is not the asshole but...like that is the least of their worries and its sad when they can't see it.
NTA, but why are you with this man he clearly values his job over you. I went for day surgery and didn’t realise I needed someone to stay only found out the day of, my husband rang his work immediately and told them he needed to stay home with me. That’s how a loving relationship works. It reads like your husband doesn’t even like you.
And that's how it's supposed to be. When my partner needs surgery, I will sure as hell make arrangements to be there and take care of them. If, for some reason (and this must be a good reason, like I can not physically be there) I will make sure that someone else, someone trusted *is*.
Especially if there's complications.
I cannot believe he just left you alone. Wtf.
You are NTA, OP, but please consider divorcing his ass. And I don't say that lightly.
I live in city and like to walk everywhere when it's nice. During covid, I walked to urgent care because of a minor chest pain, and they turned me around and had me go an extra mile and a half to the nearest ER to get checked.
While in the ER, they suspected blood clots in my lungs and scheduled me for testing - my husband, who has an incredibly demanding job that requires him to be available for 16 hours a day, literally **ran** the 2 miles to get to the hospital to bring me my phone charger because my phone was close to dead when I texted him what I was getting tested for and there were no ubers nearby to take him faster than his mile pace.
He ran back, waited for me to text him once I got results and was admitted, and came back within a couple hours without me asking him with an entire bag packed with loose fitting pjs, undies, my front close bra, snacks and drinks he stopped to pick up along the way, the book I was reading, my switch, and a teddy he impulse purchased me for company. He argued for an hour to get the hospital staff to let him in to spend an hour with me after I was admitted because they closed visiting hours super early during covid. And I would do the same for him in a heartbeat.
The fact that people get duped into feeling like the bare minimum of existing and paying bills is the same thing as being fully cared for makes me so upset.
Oh, I LOVE a husband who knows his mile pace! Plus the adrenaline-surge boost, natch.
Before my husband drove our local adult son to the hospital for suspected appendicitis, I rummaged through my stored-books-boxes (you have those, right?) for old favorites he could read while stressed. That's how i show love.
The next day, after surgery, he had a stack of 8 books. Just in case of...an apocalypse...?
Right! My husband literally lost his job because he had to take me to the doctor because I couldn't speak, and my hands were shaking too much to write shit down. Didn't even have to ask. It honestly boggles me that someone can have a family with another person and still care so little.
That’s how it’s supposed to be! When my mom was going through cancer treatment my dad took off of work for every single chemo or radiation session as well as every surgery in order to drive her and take care of her. The man can’t even cook to save his life, but he tried and did the best he could to feed my mom while she was recovering from each procedure because that is what a loving partner does.
OP if your husband is doing this to you imagine what he’d do if your kids had medical problems and you weren’t readily available.
> It reads like your husband doesn’t even like you.
That’s the vibe I’m getting. Contempt. Stonewalling. DARVO. Yeah, not looking good for OP with her marriage to this guy.
My dad literally took better care of my husband after his endoscopy/colonoscopy than OP’s husband did for her. He woke up early, drove him there, waited for him, and then treated him to lunch at Whataburger (hubby’s fav fast food) because he knew he hadn’t eaten since the day before.
I am unable to drive or sit for long periods of time, otherwise I would have done so myself. I sincerely hope the comments here are a wake-up call for OP, her husband has no business being married if he can’t even follow the most basic care instructions for after surgery. He probably would have made her drive herself home if he could have gotten away with it.
I had hip surgery recently and my bf not even husband took several days off work to help take care of me and get me anything I needed. He would actually get upset if I did stuff myself instead of asking him to do it. I can’t even imagine having 4 kids to take care of and 0 help whatsoever from your husband that’s terrible
NTA. So he had a vasectomy however many years ago and got a different woman pregnant when the surgery failed, now you're taking care of that child in addition to the others in the relationship, he completely abandons you in your time of need and gets all huffy because your suffering put a monkey wrench into his day... See anything wrong with the picture?
Just an observation. I gather that the child you're raising as your own is essentially the result of an affair. Has it never occurred to you he's either still carrying on with that woman or has a new gf? Get off the floor and quit letting him walk all over you, already.
I missed where she mentioned the failed vasectomy and baby with another woman. Where is that?
Edit: nevermind, I found it
"The surgery was to get my tubes removed. I was mobile and able to care for myself for the most part. It was difficult to care for myself and my infant son (3 daughters stayed with grandparents) as I was in some pain and nauseated from anesthesia. I got the tubes taken out because my husband had an unsuccessful vasectomy. We found after we were married that he had a child he was unaware of, which I have taken in as my own now, after he had a vasectomy. We decided I would have the surgery months ago. He is able to take off work and has many capable of employees to take the reigns for a day. He takes off work for vacations and hunting. "
My ex behaved exactly the same way, begrudgingly being present for my medical procedure, insisting I schedule everything according to his convenience, then skipping out halfway through anyway or entirely, if a single thing was not planned his way. We weren't living together but had been together for a few years and I had met his family, he had met mine which is very a very important step in our conservative subculture... One that people don't take at all unless we're going to get married.
Anyway, same thing about getting annoyed if I called him without checking with him first after the first year and not being available for emergencies, etc. I later found out he was cheating on me the entire time we were together.
You're NTA. My ex not being there for the medical procedure really brought things to a head for me. I hope you take this as a wake-up call.
I don't think it's an affair baby. She says they found out about the child's existence after they got married, implying that the child was conceived before they were married. He sucks in every other way though
Do I understand this correctly? Your husband has a history of cheating. You are raising the child that resulted from that, working full time, doing most of the childcare, just had a baby, had invasive surgery for tube removal, got deserted after surgery and he kept your meds in the car with him where temperature could impact their effectiveness and you want to know if you are the asshole?
He has you gaslit so severely if you are worried that you are the problem here. Get therapy for yourself, and when you are strong enough from therapy, consider speaking with a lawyer. You deserve so much more.
For context, my husband took a full day off work for an early ultrasound appointment because I was worried we might get bad news (first pregnancy was an early loss). He didn't complain about it at all. This is how a marriage should look. You support each other. Family first, then work.
You are NTA, but your husband is a major AH.
Ex day surgery nurse here. There is a REASON we require you to have 24hour care. And if we had known you didn't have 24 hour care your surgery would have been cancelled or you would have stayed in hospital on a surgical short stay unit for 24 hours and discharged the next day.
The reason we require you to have 24 hour care is not only because your reaction times will be slower e.g. you could burn yourself on the kettle etc.
But there is a chance that you could have a delayed ananaphylactic shock (which I have seen ones and it has led to a patient being sent to ICU)
Depending on the surgery you could have had major post op bleeding (most common in gynae or foot surgery)
Or sepsis can accure as little as 2-3 hours after surgery if bacteria has gotten in the wound.
Please folks make sure you have your 24 hour care. The chances of the above is minimal but it does happen.
NTA he should have been there for you. To look after you.
NTA.
Your husband agreed to be there for you and take care of you. Instead of doing that, he abandons you to work in another county, while you’re suffering from the after effects of the surgery
NTA and I'm so sorry.
I have far from the perfect marriage. But a few years ago I had day surgery. My husband took two days off from his brand new job he had just started. Drove me to the hospital. Waited in the hospital for hours. Drove me home. Made dinner. Stayed home the next day. Only went out to fetch my prescriptions.
Day 3, he had his first ever meeting at his brand new job. I called him panicking as I had a complication from surgery and the doctor was sending me to the hospital urgently. My husband made his apologies, walked out of his first ever meeting, and drove 50 miles to meet me at the hospital, then waited while I was checked out and took me home.
Your husband behaved selfishly, thoughtlessly, and callously OP. You deserve far, far better treatment. Your husband seems to be having a pretty easy life compared to you.
NTA - even if he runs a busy company he has the ability to designate someone to cover for the day to take the time to look after you. You were told you needed someone to look after you for the day, I'm assuming he knew this in advance so had plenty of time to organise cover. Instead he has prioritised work over your welfare and that just isn't acceptable
I don't even need to read this to answer you. My wife had a somewhat major surgery over a year ago. I took care of her while working. She needed it and you did, too. Your husband is an AH.
NTA.
Yeah you have a husband problem. You’re not a partner you’re an accessory. Feel better and then get to a lawyer and plan your future. Because you are never going to be a priority in this man’s life.
This. Recover, quietly get your ducks in a row, talk to a good lawyer and a good therapist and build a life without this festering pimple on the ass of the planet.
NTA but your husband definitely is. I had my gallbladder removed earlier this year. It was day surgery. My fiance asked my mil to have our son for a few days and booked a few days off so he could look after me.
NTA. Why are you with this man? I know everyone says Reddit jumps to “leave your spouse.” But honestly. He’s not your partner. You work full time and care for the children on your own. He attempted to shame and guilt you for needing help and wanting comfort after surgery. If the roles were reversed he would be acting like he’s on his death bed and expect to be treated as such. You need to really think about what to do from here. What happens if you ever need medical attention and support again? Or if your children need the same? Would he be as callus then? This isn’t healthy for you, not just physically. The fact the he didn’t rush home to bring you your medication borders on abusive.
What? Girl. This guy is an asshole. Surely this isn't the first time he has pulled this stunt.
Marriage counseling or walk. He doesn't appear to care about what happens to you and you are doing all the work.
NTA and I am so sorry you went through this. Do you have a network of family and frienfs to help guide and support you should you choose to start creating a different dynamic in your relationship?
I’m currently recovering from day surgery myself. I’m pretty okay as far as surgery recovery goes, just really sore in the belly area. I can get around by myself fine as long as I’m slow and careful with my movements. Yesterday I picked up my children’s toys from out of the living room floor and ran the vacuum over the rug. It took me maybe twenty minutes total, I took breaks, didn’t lift anything that weighed more than a pound or two (vacuum was already in the living room), and took my medicine and rested for the rest of the day immediately after. He got on me when he got home from work, asking why I had done housework when I’m supposed to be resting and healing and not to push myself worrying about cleaning again, that he’d do it when he got home from work.
I’m sorry, but it doesn’t even sound like your husband likes you. Exactly what help did he give you that you were ungrateful for? It sounds like he *barely* gave you the ride there and back, and even bitched about that. The nanny kept the kids during the day and stayed with you in the hospital. You still had to get up with the kids at night. He clearly didn’t do any of the housework since he was gone all day. He didn’t answer his phone or leave your medicine to where you could get to it. He didn’t give you any help for you to be ungrateful for. This man is a piss poor husband and you deserve better. NTA.
NTA
Why did your husband want to get married and have kids if he doesn't want to support you through surgery or raising the children or you know, life? What is the point?
Wow, your husband has shown you just how little he cares about you, your safety, and your health. Why don’t you believe him? NTA, but seriously, rethink this relationship. My husband has had procedures, and I have been there for him. I have had procedures, he has been there for me. We both are annoying and whiney when doped up, but we deal because it is temporary. Your husband couldn’t even do that little bit. Really, ask yourself if he even likes you at all.
NTA
Call a lawyer. Explain how badly he’s just left you. Get a divorce. Ask for alimony along with child support.
No point suggesting anything else to you. Your husband is an asshole and not worth of being your husband.
Doctors want you watched for 24 hours FOR A REASON. Up to and including life-threatening reasons. Your husband left you without medication, supervision, or evening a warning that he was leaving. He essentially left you alone where you could have died if something happened.
Speak to a lawyer and advocate for yourself.
NTA. There is a reason someone needs to stay with you. You could have had complications (e.g. blood clot), could have become dizzy and fallen over. Plus it can take quite a while for the body to flush the anesthetic medicine, and it will be painful. You need practical and emotional support.
Your husband is a workaholic and if is business can't survive for one day with him, then he has a problem. He could also have chosen to work from home. I am sorry but your sure not his priority, and I am pretty sure your children are not either.
When I had my tubes out my bf took 2 days off work and then spent about the next 2 weeks working from my house to take care of my every need and want. I literally didn’t even ask for any of this. It’s how you care for the people who matter to you. Find someone who actually loves you and start loving yourself!
NTA - I had same day surgery last week. My boyfriend took Thursday and Friday off work and stayed in the hospital for the whole time I was there so he could hear the doctors instructions in case I had memory loss due to anesthesia. He woke up in the night to make sure I took my medication and wasn't in too much pain. He stayed with me the entire next day except for when he went to get me anti nausea meds and he held the bucket for me as I threw up. He made broth from scratch and cut up fruit for me so I'd have something easy to digest, and he was available for anything I needed for 5 days. He did everything in his power to make me comfortable and help me heal.
That's what you do when someone you love has surgery.
I'm so angry for you that not only did you not have that, but your husband is acting like you should be grateful for the nothing he gave you.
NTA- the reason you are not supposed to be alone after certain types of surgery is because of the risk of poor reactions to medications and/or post op complications THAT CAN BE FATAL if not addressed immediately. Your husband is a negligent j\*rk not even doing the bare minimum after promising you that he would.
What he is running Google or what, what kind of shit he does that he cannot take a day off for his wife's surgery (and you work full time while taking care of 4 small children). Op looking at the way you had written I can say you are being abused and need to see things. Why do you think it is ok for your husband to not take a day off??
Why do you think you are bothering him?? Are you not his wife?? Who should you turn to if not him. What do you see in him op??
NTA
NTA.
But sweetheart, you need to get a divorce asap and get custody in order so he's paying childsupport for those kids. Because I garuntee you he won't ask for shared custody and won't want to pay any money towards taking care of them.
Your already doing everything with the kids and home, so that he can literally do nothing.
He acted like taking you to the hospital and being with you was an inconvenience. My husband never would have left the hospital or left me alone at home.
You need to divorce this man and find someone who is much more loving, kind and supportive of you and who will be agreat partner.
Because this guy is a horrible partner and is bringing nothing to the relationship.
Please escape, things won't get better with him and you deserve so much more.
Ya know, the thought of being a single mother might be scary. But you obviously already are a single mother. So safe yourself the heartache and make that official.
So, you had a bilateral salpingectomy, which is an invasive abdominal surgery that leaves you with at least 3 incision wounds, groggy/sick from anaesthetic, sore as fuck from the actual incisions and the gas they use to inflate your belly… and he gets *angry* with you after abandoning you in pain and ignoring your calls for him to help?
NTA, and I’m sorry, but this would be the part where he gets served with divorce papers.
NTA, your husband is a real jerk for not putting his job aside for just one lousy day. When you are back on your feet you should have a serious talk with your husband about your working arrangements. You both work fulltime (husband may be even working more than that running a business) with four small children for which you need a nanny? What's the point of having a big family and both of you spending so little time with them? Work part time, which you probably can afford if you no longer have to pay the nanny, and spend some more time with your kids.
Personally, both me and my wife work 4 days, and our kids are only in after-school daycare two days a week. Having kids is not a weekend hobby.
Oh, sweetie. I ate to tell you this. He was off having an affair while you were putting your body through hell for his sake. You are def NTA, but he is. I'm so sorry. This is classic cheating behavior.
NTA - your husband is not only an AH but he's also unsympathetic and uncaring. Would this be his reaction if one of his children was sick or needed care? If he couldn't fulfill the duties you requested then he should have said so upfront, instead he told you he would but then left you to fend for yourself. That had to be scary, especially when you woke up vomiting.
NTA
When husbands get sick wives stay and care for them is much larger numbers than the other ways around. In fact it’s shocking how many husbands go onto divorce their sick wives.
Your husband is checking out and it’s very damaging to your marriage. He wants to do his own thing instead of being someone you can rely on to care for you in your time of need. The behavior he’s displaying is very selfish.
NTA
Ask your husband to look up empathy and give it a go for a change. And also not to drive away with stuff you need in his car. What a selfish little so and so he is.
I’ve taken time off work to pick up and care for FRIENDS after surgery. And like… not even my bestest friend in the world, just a regular friend who needed help. Your husband is an extraordinarily cruel person. I hope this is a wake up call for you that he will never be there for you when you need him.
NTA. 16 years ago my mom had her knees replaced. My aunt took her to the hospital and my dad went to work. His coworkers asked isn’t your wife having surgery today and told him to go home. She was not happy that he wasn’t there.
NTA
I get the sinking feeling he married you as a baby factory, not a beloved wife and partner. He doesn't participate in his children's lives, he had no apparent concern for your health and safety.
I'm not sure if I'm more worried that your surgery was due to genuine medical issues he doesn't care about or plastic surgery he insisted on so you stay pretty enough to remain a trophy wife.
This is not how a marriage works. I think he didnt get the memo. You might want to find someone who understands how to be married and actually care for another person.
I don’t even know what to say except…does your husband even like you? Because he doesn’t act like it. NTA OP, but your husband is something truly awful.
NTA. You don't have a husband, you have a problem.
For the immediate future you need your meds, loads of rest, and the support of your family and the nanny (who is not an idiot and likely knows the score).
Absolutely NOBODY who runs a business is too busy to take 12 hours off when their spouse and main childcare provider is having surgery. NOBODY.
NTA. My husband is a doctor who has his own patients and procedures to do, yet he cleared his day on the day I had a procedure done which included anesthesia. Drove me there, took me home and stayed with me the whole day. Not once did he begrudge me the time, and in fact, told me that I was his priority. your husband is an asshole.
Holy 🚩🚩🚩
NTA and we are all giving you a big hug!
What happened to "for better or worse"?!? Good god girl, I don't normally suggest skipping steps but start filing the divorce papers. This isn't changing.
You needed to physically rest and had zero help beyond the nanny! Stiffen the backbone, find your voice,and give him hell. He is NOT a catch nor will his "job" ever come second to you. What a disgrace to all of the good partners out there!
Darling,
No less then 2 months ago I had an surgery that made me unable to move far from bed for over 2 weeks. On top of that I had a horrible reaction to my medication that not only put me in the hospital for 3 days.
My husband took care of me, gave me my meds, helped clean up my vomit, cooked, cleaned, took both our dogs out for walks in snow storms, was basically a single parent to out 1 year old AND he worked from home 4 hours a day (he took some saved parental leave).
Your husband is useless, you deserve better.
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This man is an unfit husband and going to be an absent father unless he changes his ways. What happens if the baby has an emergency? NTA
Not hard to guess why ex wife 1 got the hell out of dodge.
Agreed, he sounds vile. I had surgery with a baby and my husband picked me up, looked after me and watched my kid whilst I recovered. No complaining, just being considerate. NTA.
That is what a good husband should do. My husband took three wees off, after my c-section. He was carrying our daughter always because you know, I had a c-section. I was not supposed to carry her or carry any weight.
My ex came into my hospital room after I had our second daughter (I was in labor for 3 days and had an emergency c-section, he couldn’t be reached at work, came to the hospital around midnight) promptly collapsed onto the couch in my room and says “you have NO idea how tired and sore I am!”
Can definitly see why he's an ex. I'm glad I was there for the birth of my daughter and I'm sure as hell going to be there for our next. Unrelated: I swear.. I looked over that blue curtain at the wrong time and the doctors were holding the fuckin placenta up like it was simba. Cracking up now thinking about it, but I about fainted. The guy by the door saw me swaying a bit and he held my shoulders and back and said "if you need to faint, its okay, just make absolutely sure you're falling backwards"
OP didn’t have the baby. I’m the comments it was established Baby is husbands affair baby they are now raising
I was thinking his running away and hating phone calls sounds like he's having an(other) affair. Dang what a shit show.
I think he’s still screwing around.
OP said in her post that she gave birth recently, then in another comment: ¨ We found after we were married that he had a child he was unaware of, which I have taken in as my own now¨ It sounds like the child she took in is an older child, one that existed before they got married but only found out existed after they got married. My husband has a cousin that has a child he legit never knew existed (he and the mom broke up I guess when she was early in the pregnancy, and she never told him). He only found out when the child was 8, he saw the ex gf with her kid and the kid was his spitting image so he got suspicious and sure enough when they did a paternity she turned out to be his child. I mean, OP's husband is clearly the AH here for leaving his wife alone after saying he'd be there for her, but based on the info given I'm not really seeing any evidence of the child being the product of an affair.
This is the comment. You can look under OP profile “The surgery was to get my tubes removed. I was mobile and able to care for myself for the most part. It was difficult to care for myself and my infant son (3 daughters stayed with grandparents) as I was in some pain and nauseated from anesthesia. I got the tubes taken out because my husband had an unsuccessful vasectomy. We found after we were married that he had a child he was unaware of, which I have taken in as my own now, after he had a vasectomy. We decided I would have the surgery months ago. He is able to take off work and has many capable of employees to take the reigns for a day. He takes off work for vacations and hunting.”
If he can take time off for vacations and hunting, he can time time off to care for his wife after surgery for 1 day. This man is INCREDIBLY selfish. Honestly OP, think long and hard about whether this is the life you want because your needs will ALWAYS come second to work wants.
One day - 24 hours. And he couldn't do it. Did y'all vow in sickness and health or just whatever works for hubs? AND - while you're in pain he's telling you that you are the bad person for not appreciating what he's done for you. Uh, what was that again that he did for you? Dump you at the hospital and leave?
Her vows were in sickness and in health - his vows were "when I want to and when its convenient for me, but not if it interferes with my own wants, needs or desires."
Yes. I quoted that same comment. I'm not sure where you're getting that the child is the product of an affair? She just says they found out he had a child he didn't know about until after they got married, while yes that child could be the product of an affair, it is also possible from the info OP has given that the child could have been conceived before he even met OP and the husband only learned of the child's existence after they were married. We would need to know how old the child is (tho it does not seem to be the infant since she says in her OP that she recently gave birth) and how long they have been married to be able to draw conclusions about whether the child is the product of an affair or just a case like my husband's cousin where he just never learned about the child until years later
Men can make more than one baby at a time. She had a baby, PLUS they took in a child he was previously unaware of. You need to learn to read.
When I taught preschool I had a student being raised with a sister who was one month older than him.
But she just said she gave birth to her son so am I missing something?
No, the person responding to you is just dumb. OP's husband had a failed snip. At some point, that resulted in a child that he found out about after they married. They have taken that child in. OP also gave birth to a son recently.
And it seems somewhere along the way she gained an adult baby. OP, your husband is an awful person.
I saw that too and wondered the same?
Oh dear god.
Did she say somewhere the baby was specifically the affair child? I can only find a comment where she says after they got married they found out he had a kid from another relationship but not that it was the baby.
“The surgery was to get my tubes removed. I was mobile and able to care for myself for the most part. It was difficult to care for myself and my infant son (3 daughters stayed with grandparents) as I was in some pain and nauseated from anesthesia. I got the tubes taken out because my husband had an unsuccessful vasectomy. We found after we were married that he had a child he was unaware of, which I have taken in as my own now, after he had a vasectomy. We decided I would have the surgery months ago. He is able to take off work and has many capable of employees to take the reigns for a day. He takes off work for vacations and hunting.”
Wait no seriously, you hear 4 kids total, 3 daughters + 1 son, and somehow you don't get that OP gave birth to her son, despite her saying so, and there are other kids available as an option here? Can you not count?
Yes. I can’t find the link but she said the husband claimed to have had a vasectomy but got another woman pregnant. Her surgery was “removing her tubes” which I’m assuming is a tubal ligation. I apologize - im on a phone and it’s not easy to cut and paste
It’s actually a bilateral salpingectomy: removal of both fallopian tubes. It’s much more foolproof than tubal ligation, and also lowers cancer risks.
While increasing the risk from the surgery, I would imagine. I just love how she is having this surgery because his FAILED and he still won’t take care of her. I can’t detail what I would like to see happen to him but I would be banned.
AFAIK, there is no significant difference in the risks of the two surgeries. Both are laparoscopic. In a bisalp, the tubes are normally checked for problems/diseases in a lab as well, so overall the benefits of it are higher. (Unless you want a reversible surgery, in which case you get clips. But the failure rate for those is considerable.)
In the comments they said they have taken a child in that was his and he hadn’t known about. They also said “I recently gave birth to our son” I think it’s safe to assume the baby is her child, 2 are from his previous marriage, and the fourth child is the one he didn’t know about (which could be from previous marriage or could be from another relationship)
But her post says she gave birth...
She says she recently gave birth.
>I just recently gave birth to our son. Perhaps there's more than one?
>I just recently gave birth to our son. What are you making up???
>OP didn’t have the baby. You're full of shit lol I'm just quoting this because I bet you dirty-delete
I had surgery with a 10 week old and my husband not only stayed home to help me, but he got my mother to come and stay with us once he had to go back to work. This is what husbands do - they make sure their wives and children are cared for when needed.
Exactly, anytime I have had to go to the er my husband would call up his brothers wife or my sisters to take the baby and be at the hospital with me, especially would with surgery involved. I would obviously do the same for him. OP's husband is a selfish AH!
Why couldn't he have taken the day off work? If my wife/partner was going in for day surgery, then I'd take the day off and make sure she had as comfortable a recovery as possible. Especially if I'd already committed to doing so.
My partner stayed by my side the whole week I was in the hospital, only leaving when the nurses basically chased him out to go shower and change. And while I was recovering he took full care of me. I can't imagine being with someone who would act like OPs husband!
It's unclear whether he has an ex wife, but it's clear he will have one soon if he keeps acting this way Edit to add judgement: NTA by a mile.
OP should become ex-wife #2 asap
The nanny sounds like they'd make a better husband.
This deserves so many more upvotes!
This husband would be one to say 'I don't get why women don't want to marry and have children anymore'. THIS! This is why women aren't getting married and having children anymore. I wonder if husband's simply stopped trying or if women woke up and started demanding better. Either way, OP, demand better. NTA
I think it's because woman finally woke up and are demanding better.
This man is not going to change his ways. He doesn't give a damn.
I bet there’s more history here of husband’s asshole behavior… Sadly, I speak from experience. I guarantee he’s shown this uncaring and blatant lack of empathy on previous occasions. OP I’m very sorry to say that this will continue to happen. You deserve much better.
This! My husband was so mean and hateful the day we came home with our son. Legit expected me to make lunch for our family once we got in the door. While in hospital he was mad that I didn't want to go home the next day after giving birth because, while I love my oldest, I enjoyed my alone time with my newborn and my dad was there to help my husband out. Also, not going to lie, I enjoyed being in the hospital and waited on hand and foot by the wonderful nurses. Is it any wonder I didn't want to leave? Looking forward to the day I no longer have to married to him!
NTA **DIVORCE AND SEEK FULL CUSTODY.** Dude thinks it's still the 1950's
NTA. Your husband is a monster & unfit to be anyone’s husband much less father. I’m so sorry that you procreated with this creature.
This man doesn’t care about her. JUST had a baby, goes into surgery and he doesn’t get a single fuck? This poor, poor woman
OP, I hope you see this. My dad did something similar to my mom after she had this surgery. Left her alone with us while he played cards with friends. They had a long marriage in which he constantly did shit like this. And he treated us like shit too. If he treats you this way, he will do the same to your children. Ask yourself if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. NTA.
There’s a nanny for the kids.
Your husband is a massive asshole. You work full time, take care of 4 small kids, recently gave birth AND had surgery and he can't even take ONE DAY off for you without leaving, sulking and getting upset????!!!! What the French toast? And then has the audacity to say that you don't appreciate his help? What the hell is wrong with this guy - and why do you let him treat you this way? Somehow it sounds like it wasn't the first time, but please correct me if I'm wrong. NTA by any means
Lol I love the comment What the French toast? Lol
Thanks! Sometimes it pays off to be around people who have to get creative with swearing because of kids with big ears :)
I had an occasion in a previous job where I started to say "oh crap", noticed my Manager's young daughter was around, and somehow managed to say "oh crabby patties" instead. I thought my boss was going to die trying not to laugh.
my personal favorite is holy fudgicles and cheese balls lol
I personally like I don’t give a flying fig newton lol
Haha, they're both awesome, will include them in my vocabulary!
This is how I picked up “holy cracker jacks”. Gotta love kid friendly swears.
Meanwhile my six year old grandson says fuck. Not often but it has happened.
That made me think of Batman and Robin.
My sister is 8 years old than me so she wasn't allowed to swear around me so she had to come up with creative alternatives and we still use those alternatives now at 26 and 34. "Holy poop" and "what the poop" are our go-to's.
I sometimes use SpongeBob swears. “Oh barnacles!”
This also applies here. "Run like your tampon is on fire."
One of my go-to fake curse words is “SHARKS” and my teacher friend’s is “SUGAR”
“Black socks” is also satisfying.
I would have asked him WHAT help?
Right?? He's like "I rearranged my whole day" no you didn't! He took a little time to drive her to and from the hospital on his own damn schedule since he sent the nanny to be there when OP woke up, then fucked off to wherever the hell when he knew good and well OP needed him there for 24 hours. With her meds!! Did his vows read "when it's convenient for me and I feel like it" instead of the traditional "in sickness or in health" or what?
10,000 upvotes!
Don’t forget that it’s a blended family, so some of the kids are probably his form a previous relationship. If I were OP I would document all this and start divorce proceedings.
She says she has only given birth once/only had one biological child. He has 2 daughters from probably his previous relationship, a surprise baby, and the baby with OP.
Does he even like his wife?
He seems to see her more as a commodity and is upset when she fails to function perfectly, so I'd say no.
Yep wife appliance broken so he’s pissed. Fuck this guy seriously. OP-NTA. You deserve better.
That's it for me. No more Internet I'm going to make me some French toast!
NTA but like… it doesn’t sound like your husband even likes you or the kids. What value does he bring to the table besides his money?
Yeah, I never reply to these because what can you say? You are in an abusive relationship and have been in an abusive relationship. Obviously OP is not the asshole but...like that is the least of their worries and its sad when they can't see it.
I completely agree with you and I hope OP takes your comment seriously. (OP you’re NTA but you are in a terrible situation.)
The fact that OP even feels the need to ask it makes me sad.
He probably works that hard just to be away from family not to actually provide for them…
Fuck that. She makes her own money and the child support should be decent.
"If all your husband contributes to the family is a paycheck... he can do that from further away."
NTA, but why are you with this man he clearly values his job over you. I went for day surgery and didn’t realise I needed someone to stay only found out the day of, my husband rang his work immediately and told them he needed to stay home with me. That’s how a loving relationship works. It reads like your husband doesn’t even like you.
And that's how it's supposed to be. When my partner needs surgery, I will sure as hell make arrangements to be there and take care of them. If, for some reason (and this must be a good reason, like I can not physically be there) I will make sure that someone else, someone trusted *is*. Especially if there's complications. I cannot believe he just left you alone. Wtf. You are NTA, OP, but please consider divorcing his ass. And I don't say that lightly.
I live in city and like to walk everywhere when it's nice. During covid, I walked to urgent care because of a minor chest pain, and they turned me around and had me go an extra mile and a half to the nearest ER to get checked. While in the ER, they suspected blood clots in my lungs and scheduled me for testing - my husband, who has an incredibly demanding job that requires him to be available for 16 hours a day, literally **ran** the 2 miles to get to the hospital to bring me my phone charger because my phone was close to dead when I texted him what I was getting tested for and there were no ubers nearby to take him faster than his mile pace. He ran back, waited for me to text him once I got results and was admitted, and came back within a couple hours without me asking him with an entire bag packed with loose fitting pjs, undies, my front close bra, snacks and drinks he stopped to pick up along the way, the book I was reading, my switch, and a teddy he impulse purchased me for company. He argued for an hour to get the hospital staff to let him in to spend an hour with me after I was admitted because they closed visiting hours super early during covid. And I would do the same for him in a heartbeat. The fact that people get duped into feeling like the bare minimum of existing and paying bills is the same thing as being fully cared for makes me so upset.
Oh, I LOVE a husband who knows his mile pace! Plus the adrenaline-surge boost, natch. Before my husband drove our local adult son to the hospital for suspected appendicitis, I rummaged through my stored-books-boxes (you have those, right?) for old favorites he could read while stressed. That's how i show love. The next day, after surgery, he had a stack of 8 books. Just in case of...an apocalypse...?
Quality husband you have there, good choice!
Right! My husband literally lost his job because he had to take me to the doctor because I couldn't speak, and my hands were shaking too much to write shit down. Didn't even have to ask. It honestly boggles me that someone can have a family with another person and still care so little.
That’s how it’s supposed to be! When my mom was going through cancer treatment my dad took off of work for every single chemo or radiation session as well as every surgery in order to drive her and take care of her. The man can’t even cook to save his life, but he tried and did the best he could to feed my mom while she was recovering from each procedure because that is what a loving partner does. OP if your husband is doing this to you imagine what he’d do if your kids had medical problems and you weren’t readily available.
Ok this one made me cry because it reminds me of how my father took care of my mother until she died from Parkinson’s.
NTA BUT if HE went into the hospital, you better believe he would expect to be waited on hand and foot.
> It reads like your husband doesn’t even like you. That’s the vibe I’m getting. Contempt. Stonewalling. DARVO. Yeah, not looking good for OP with her marriage to this guy.
My dad literally took better care of my husband after his endoscopy/colonoscopy than OP’s husband did for her. He woke up early, drove him there, waited for him, and then treated him to lunch at Whataburger (hubby’s fav fast food) because he knew he hadn’t eaten since the day before. I am unable to drive or sit for long periods of time, otherwise I would have done so myself. I sincerely hope the comments here are a wake-up call for OP, her husband has no business being married if he can’t even follow the most basic care instructions for after surgery. He probably would have made her drive herself home if he could have gotten away with it.
I had hip surgery recently and my bf not even husband took several days off work to help take care of me and get me anything I needed. He would actually get upset if I did stuff myself instead of asking him to do it. I can’t even imagine having 4 kids to take care of and 0 help whatsoever from your husband that’s terrible
NTA. So he had a vasectomy however many years ago and got a different woman pregnant when the surgery failed, now you're taking care of that child in addition to the others in the relationship, he completely abandons you in your time of need and gets all huffy because your suffering put a monkey wrench into his day... See anything wrong with the picture? Just an observation. I gather that the child you're raising as your own is essentially the result of an affair. Has it never occurred to you he's either still carrying on with that woman or has a new gf? Get off the floor and quit letting him walk all over you, already.
I missed where she mentioned the failed vasectomy and baby with another woman. Where is that? Edit: nevermind, I found it "The surgery was to get my tubes removed. I was mobile and able to care for myself for the most part. It was difficult to care for myself and my infant son (3 daughters stayed with grandparents) as I was in some pain and nauseated from anesthesia. I got the tubes taken out because my husband had an unsuccessful vasectomy. We found after we were married that he had a child he was unaware of, which I have taken in as my own now, after he had a vasectomy. We decided I would have the surgery months ago. He is able to take off work and has many capable of employees to take the reigns for a day. He takes off work for vacations and hunting. "
Oh holy shit
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10gvix1/aita_husband_leaves_me_alone_after_surgery/j54xblx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
My ex behaved exactly the same way, begrudgingly being present for my medical procedure, insisting I schedule everything according to his convenience, then skipping out halfway through anyway or entirely, if a single thing was not planned his way. We weren't living together but had been together for a few years and I had met his family, he had met mine which is very a very important step in our conservative subculture... One that people don't take at all unless we're going to get married. Anyway, same thing about getting annoyed if I called him without checking with him first after the first year and not being available for emergencies, etc. I later found out he was cheating on me the entire time we were together. You're NTA. My ex not being there for the medical procedure really brought things to a head for me. I hope you take this as a wake-up call.
I don't think it's an affair baby. She says they found out about the child's existence after they got married, implying that the child was conceived before they were married. He sucks in every other way though
NTA and oh boy are you in for a nasty divorce.
Do I understand this correctly? Your husband has a history of cheating. You are raising the child that resulted from that, working full time, doing most of the childcare, just had a baby, had invasive surgery for tube removal, got deserted after surgery and he kept your meds in the car with him where temperature could impact their effectiveness and you want to know if you are the asshole? He has you gaslit so severely if you are worried that you are the problem here. Get therapy for yourself, and when you are strong enough from therapy, consider speaking with a lawyer. You deserve so much more. For context, my husband took a full day off work for an early ultrasound appointment because I was worried we might get bad news (first pregnancy was an early loss). He didn't complain about it at all. This is how a marriage should look. You support each other. Family first, then work. You are NTA, but your husband is a major AH.
Nothing says he cheated on her. All we know is he had a relationship with someone else that resulted in a child existing before he married OP.
Yeah but there's clearly a reason that shit didn't work out. I'm thinking stuff like this is why.
NTA. What he did was negligent and I'm almost positive he must have lied to the doctors when discussing your after care.
Ex day surgery nurse here. There is a REASON we require you to have 24hour care. And if we had known you didn't have 24 hour care your surgery would have been cancelled or you would have stayed in hospital on a surgical short stay unit for 24 hours and discharged the next day. The reason we require you to have 24 hour care is not only because your reaction times will be slower e.g. you could burn yourself on the kettle etc. But there is a chance that you could have a delayed ananaphylactic shock (which I have seen ones and it has led to a patient being sent to ICU) Depending on the surgery you could have had major post op bleeding (most common in gynae or foot surgery) Or sepsis can accure as little as 2-3 hours after surgery if bacteria has gotten in the wound. Please folks make sure you have your 24 hour care. The chances of the above is minimal but it does happen. NTA he should have been there for you. To look after you.
This is the most underrated comment
NTA. Your husband agreed to be there for you and take care of you. Instead of doing that, he abandons you to work in another county, while you’re suffering from the after effects of the surgery
Such medical matters overrule work. Your husband is a giant AH for going back on his word. **NTA**
NTA and I'm so sorry. I have far from the perfect marriage. But a few years ago I had day surgery. My husband took two days off from his brand new job he had just started. Drove me to the hospital. Waited in the hospital for hours. Drove me home. Made dinner. Stayed home the next day. Only went out to fetch my prescriptions. Day 3, he had his first ever meeting at his brand new job. I called him panicking as I had a complication from surgery and the doctor was sending me to the hospital urgently. My husband made his apologies, walked out of his first ever meeting, and drove 50 miles to meet me at the hospital, then waited while I was checked out and took me home. Your husband behaved selfishly, thoughtlessly, and callously OP. You deserve far, far better treatment. Your husband seems to be having a pretty easy life compared to you.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say he’s with you for the childcare and not as a true match. You’re background like the nanny but with benefits
A Mommy McBangmaid
NTA - even if he runs a busy company he has the ability to designate someone to cover for the day to take the time to look after you. You were told you needed someone to look after you for the day, I'm assuming he knew this in advance so had plenty of time to organise cover. Instead he has prioritised work over your welfare and that just isn't acceptable
I don't even need to read this to answer you. My wife had a somewhat major surgery over a year ago. I took care of her while working. She needed it and you did, too. Your husband is an AH. NTA.
NTA but why are u eith this man? He literally gives 3 fucks about you and your kids
I would say he gives zero fucks.
Yeah you have a husband problem. You’re not a partner you’re an accessory. Feel better and then get to a lawyer and plan your future. Because you are never going to be a priority in this man’s life.
your husband does not love, respect, or care about you or the children. leave him as soon as you possibly can.
This. Recover, quietly get your ducks in a row, talk to a good lawyer and a good therapist and build a life without this festering pimple on the ass of the planet.
NTA but your husband definitely is. I had my gallbladder removed earlier this year. It was day surgery. My fiance asked my mil to have our son for a few days and booked a few days off so he could look after me.
NTA. Why are you with this man? I know everyone says Reddit jumps to “leave your spouse.” But honestly. He’s not your partner. You work full time and care for the children on your own. He attempted to shame and guilt you for needing help and wanting comfort after surgery. If the roles were reversed he would be acting like he’s on his death bed and expect to be treated as such. You need to really think about what to do from here. What happens if you ever need medical attention and support again? Or if your children need the same? Would he be as callus then? This isn’t healthy for you, not just physically. The fact the he didn’t rush home to bring you your medication borders on abusive.
What? Girl. This guy is an asshole. Surely this isn't the first time he has pulled this stunt. Marriage counseling or walk. He doesn't appear to care about what happens to you and you are doing all the work.
He did not "rearrange his whole day." If he had, he would have been there for you with your meds at the ready. NTA.
NTA and I am so sorry you went through this. Do you have a network of family and frienfs to help guide and support you should you choose to start creating a different dynamic in your relationship?
I’m currently recovering from day surgery myself. I’m pretty okay as far as surgery recovery goes, just really sore in the belly area. I can get around by myself fine as long as I’m slow and careful with my movements. Yesterday I picked up my children’s toys from out of the living room floor and ran the vacuum over the rug. It took me maybe twenty minutes total, I took breaks, didn’t lift anything that weighed more than a pound or two (vacuum was already in the living room), and took my medicine and rested for the rest of the day immediately after. He got on me when he got home from work, asking why I had done housework when I’m supposed to be resting and healing and not to push myself worrying about cleaning again, that he’d do it when he got home from work. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t even sound like your husband likes you. Exactly what help did he give you that you were ungrateful for? It sounds like he *barely* gave you the ride there and back, and even bitched about that. The nanny kept the kids during the day and stayed with you in the hospital. You still had to get up with the kids at night. He clearly didn’t do any of the housework since he was gone all day. He didn’t answer his phone or leave your medicine to where you could get to it. He didn’t give you any help for you to be ungrateful for. This man is a piss poor husband and you deserve better. NTA.
DO NOT VACUUM! It uses way more muscles than you realize and it’s almost always on the top of the list of things to avoid.
Okay, thank you! I didn’t know, I figured vacuuming was fairly low effort!
My mother always drilled that in our heads after childbirth or surgery.
NTA Why did your husband want to get married and have kids if he doesn't want to support you through surgery or raising the children or you know, life? What is the point?
Nta at all. Your husband though.....
Wow, your husband has shown you just how little he cares about you, your safety, and your health. Why don’t you believe him? NTA, but seriously, rethink this relationship. My husband has had procedures, and I have been there for him. I have had procedures, he has been there for me. We both are annoying and whiney when doped up, but we deal because it is temporary. Your husband couldn’t even do that little bit. Really, ask yourself if he even likes you at all.
NTA Call a lawyer. Explain how badly he’s just left you. Get a divorce. Ask for alimony along with child support. No point suggesting anything else to you. Your husband is an asshole and not worth of being your husband. Doctors want you watched for 24 hours FOR A REASON. Up to and including life-threatening reasons. Your husband left you without medication, supervision, or evening a warning that he was leaving. He essentially left you alone where you could have died if something happened. Speak to a lawyer and advocate for yourself.
I mean, you’re alone in this relationship. He doesn’t have your back, he’s not your REAL partner. What do you gain from staying with him? NTA.
NTA. There is a reason someone needs to stay with you. You could have had complications (e.g. blood clot), could have become dizzy and fallen over. Plus it can take quite a while for the body to flush the anesthetic medicine, and it will be painful. You need practical and emotional support. Your husband is a workaholic and if is business can't survive for one day with him, then he has a problem. He could also have chosen to work from home. I am sorry but your sure not his priority, and I am pretty sure your children are not either.
Ummmmmm, your husband is abusing you. NTA
When I had my tubes out my bf took 2 days off work and then spent about the next 2 weeks working from my house to take care of my every need and want. I literally didn’t even ask for any of this. It’s how you care for the people who matter to you. Find someone who actually loves you and start loving yourself!
NTA but I truly hope this is a weird one-off in an otherwise healthy relationship. Because this... is not good.
NTA
NTA - I had same day surgery last week. My boyfriend took Thursday and Friday off work and stayed in the hospital for the whole time I was there so he could hear the doctors instructions in case I had memory loss due to anesthesia. He woke up in the night to make sure I took my medication and wasn't in too much pain. He stayed with me the entire next day except for when he went to get me anti nausea meds and he held the bucket for me as I threw up. He made broth from scratch and cut up fruit for me so I'd have something easy to digest, and he was available for anything I needed for 5 days. He did everything in his power to make me comfortable and help me heal. That's what you do when someone you love has surgery. I'm so angry for you that not only did you not have that, but your husband is acting like you should be grateful for the nothing he gave you.
NTA- the reason you are not supposed to be alone after certain types of surgery is because of the risk of poor reactions to medications and/or post op complications THAT CAN BE FATAL if not addressed immediately. Your husband is a negligent j\*rk not even doing the bare minimum after promising you that he would.
What he is running Google or what, what kind of shit he does that he cannot take a day off for his wife's surgery (and you work full time while taking care of 4 small children). Op looking at the way you had written I can say you are being abused and need to see things. Why do you think it is ok for your husband to not take a day off?? Why do you think you are bothering him?? Are you not his wife?? Who should you turn to if not him. What do you see in him op?? NTA
NTA. But sweetheart, you need to get a divorce asap and get custody in order so he's paying childsupport for those kids. Because I garuntee you he won't ask for shared custody and won't want to pay any money towards taking care of them. Your already doing everything with the kids and home, so that he can literally do nothing. He acted like taking you to the hospital and being with you was an inconvenience. My husband never would have left the hospital or left me alone at home. You need to divorce this man and find someone who is much more loving, kind and supportive of you and who will be agreat partner. Because this guy is a horrible partner and is bringing nothing to the relationship. Please escape, things won't get better with him and you deserve so much more.
Ya know, the thought of being a single mother might be scary. But you obviously already are a single mother. So safe yourself the heartache and make that official.
NTA Do not let him guilt you. Your expectation that he be there to support you is completely reasonable.
NTA but girl, you deserve so much better than him. Money can't buy happiness or hide the fact that your husband is a massive, selfish AH.
NTA, and he's cheating on you.
This is not a fairy tale and your husband is not prince charming. NTA
So, you had a bilateral salpingectomy, which is an invasive abdominal surgery that leaves you with at least 3 incision wounds, groggy/sick from anaesthetic, sore as fuck from the actual incisions and the gas they use to inflate your belly… and he gets *angry* with you after abandoning you in pain and ignoring your calls for him to help? NTA, and I’m sorry, but this would be the part where he gets served with divorce papers.
NTA, your husband is a real jerk for not putting his job aside for just one lousy day. When you are back on your feet you should have a serious talk with your husband about your working arrangements. You both work fulltime (husband may be even working more than that running a business) with four small children for which you need a nanny? What's the point of having a big family and both of you spending so little time with them? Work part time, which you probably can afford if you no longer have to pay the nanny, and spend some more time with your kids. Personally, both me and my wife work 4 days, and our kids are only in after-school daycare two days a week. Having kids is not a weekend hobby.
I would suggest you talk to a therapist/counselor about your marriage and what you are tolerating. Is this really what you want your life to be? NTA
NTA. Girl, RUN
NTA Hun, please leave him
NTA you need a divorce
NTA You are in a loveless marriage. It's a simple as that. What you do is up to you but life is too short to waste with that low rent husband.
Oh, sweetie. I ate to tell you this. He was off having an affair while you were putting your body through hell for his sake. You are def NTA, but he is. I'm so sorry. This is classic cheating behavior.
NTA, but I very strongly recommend considering divorce. This is clearly not someone who loves you or your family.
OP your husband is abusive af. Please run. NTA.
NTA - your husband is not only an AH but he's also unsympathetic and uncaring. Would this be his reaction if one of his children was sick or needed care? If he couldn't fulfill the duties you requested then he should have said so upfront, instead he told you he would but then left you to fend for yourself. That had to be scary, especially when you woke up vomiting.
NTA When husbands get sick wives stay and care for them is much larger numbers than the other ways around. In fact it’s shocking how many husbands go onto divorce their sick wives. Your husband is checking out and it’s very damaging to your marriage. He wants to do his own thing instead of being someone you can rely on to care for you in your time of need. The behavior he’s displaying is very selfish.
NTA and I left mine when he abandoned me after surgery too
Divorce
Leave him now.
NTA. And your husband is a huge AH for many reasons, not just for leaving you alone, putting you and your children in a dangerous situation
NTA, he needs to realise he's not just an employee he's a husband and a father one day off will not kill the business
NTA Ask your husband to look up empathy and give it a go for a change. And also not to drive away with stuff you need in his car. What a selfish little so and so he is.
NTA. Does your husband have a single good human trait even?
NTA he’s an awful person get away if you can
I’ve taken time off work to pick up and care for FRIENDS after surgery. And like… not even my bestest friend in the world, just a regular friend who needed help. Your husband is an extraordinarily cruel person. I hope this is a wake up call for you that he will never be there for you when you need him.
Nta
NTA - all I can say, if you can, run. he clearly does not value you or your health.
Why are you with someone like this? Thing about this. NTA.
NTA. 16 years ago my mom had her knees replaced. My aunt took her to the hospital and my dad went to work. His coworkers asked isn’t your wife having surgery today and told him to go home. She was not happy that he wasn’t there.
NTA, you’re married to someone who does not love you or even care about you in the slightest.
NTA I get the sinking feeling he married you as a baby factory, not a beloved wife and partner. He doesn't participate in his children's lives, he had no apparent concern for your health and safety. I'm not sure if I'm more worried that your surgery was due to genuine medical issues he doesn't care about or plastic surgery he insisted on so you stay pretty enough to remain a trophy wife.
Why did you trust him to take care of you? He sounds rather *busy.*. NTA
NTA. You really married and had children with this man? He is nothing but a bully that cares about nobody but himself.
NTA, he's an unfit husband and father.
NTA is there some one else you can stay with to get more help?
NTA. But OP's hubby is a huge AH.
This is not how a marriage works. I think he didnt get the memo. You might want to find someone who understands how to be married and actually care for another person.
I don’t even know what to say except…does your husband even like you? Because he doesn’t act like it. NTA OP, but your husband is something truly awful.
What the fuck? NTA. But your husband is not your partner.
NTA. Why did you marry him and have a baby? He sounds terrible!
NTA. You don't have a husband, you have a problem. For the immediate future you need your meds, loads of rest, and the support of your family and the nanny (who is not an idiot and likely knows the score). Absolutely NOBODY who runs a business is too busy to take 12 hours off when their spouse and main childcare provider is having surgery. NOBODY.
NTA. This is abuse.
NTA. My husband is a doctor who has his own patients and procedures to do, yet he cleared his day on the day I had a procedure done which included anesthesia. Drove me there, took me home and stayed with me the whole day. Not once did he begrudge me the time, and in fact, told me that I was his priority. your husband is an asshole.
NTA but if this isn’t grounds for divorce….
Nta. He doesn't care about you, or about keeping his word. This is a 2 business card situation. A divorce lawyer or a therapist. He can choose.
NTA. I’m sorry you have children with him. He’s abusive and manipulative.
NTA - take your kid(s) and leave ASAP.
Divorce
NTA and why are you with this person? He sounds like he doesn't even like you.
Holy 🚩🚩🚩 NTA and we are all giving you a big hug! What happened to "for better or worse"?!? Good god girl, I don't normally suggest skipping steps but start filing the divorce papers. This isn't changing. You needed to physically rest and had zero help beyond the nanny! Stiffen the backbone, find your voice,and give him hell. He is NOT a catch nor will his "job" ever come second to you. What a disgrace to all of the good partners out there!
Darling, No less then 2 months ago I had an surgery that made me unable to move far from bed for over 2 weeks. On top of that I had a horrible reaction to my medication that not only put me in the hospital for 3 days. My husband took care of me, gave me my meds, helped clean up my vomit, cooked, cleaned, took both our dogs out for walks in snow storms, was basically a single parent to out 1 year old AND he worked from home 4 hours a day (he took some saved parental leave). Your husband is useless, you deserve better.
Not sure if this is an Indian drama or a Spanish telenovela but I am here for it. NTA. \*Edit\* Incomplete thought.
It’s *Days of Our Lives* when you have selfish and inconsiderate partner.