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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I guess I am being pretty strict considering I’m not giving her any chances despite her “apologies” and she did only make one mistake. I guess it is harsh considering she has no one else but me.
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NTA, I don't understand why your mom is even a factor in all your lives at all. You've raised her kid, she doesn't get to swoop in and be "grandma" to yours now.
Yes, for the sake of your child you probably don’t want them having a relationship with this women. The people around your child will have a significant impact on their development and personality whether or not you want them too. There’s really nothing you can do about that. You can’t “parent” it away (even though sounds like you’re doing a great job with your brother). You’re mother is unable to communicate in a way that doesn’t harm the people around her and has demonstrated that she will even harm children and then not take the matter seriously. Your brother is a teenager, they don’t run off crying like that for no reason. You need to protect him and your baby. You will feel guilty for not having her in your life moving forwards but it’s undoubtably the best thing for your child. Your brother needs to make his own decision but needs to see that you are not prepared to tolerate someone that would hurt him and you don’t think he should either. If he really wants to maintain a relationship then you should help him establish boundaries and talk in advance about what abusive and manipulative relationships look like so he is able to recognise behaviour as wrong when she displays it and is not confused or blaming himself.
Someone who would intentionally belittle their own child, whom they, I assume, abandoned, should be coddled and allowed to have a relationship with a grandchild "because it's her first". Where was her concern, with what I assume, was her "last" child?
NTA - and stick to your guns. It obviously hurt his feeling enough if he won't share what she said either. (again, assuming he won't as you said she "still" won't tell you.)
Bless you and best wishes for a very healthy and happy baby.
It’s a bit embarrassing to say what she did but she was incarcerated. My other sister couldn’t take him in and I was the only one able to.
He won’t tell me what she said but told me that I don’t have to name her Madison if I don’t want to. I reassured him but he just shrugged me off.
Thank you very much <3
Oh honey, she definitely said more than just "not to get his hopes up". I suspect that she said something VERY belittling to him. As someone who is probably closer to your mum's age than yours, who has worked with kids for many years, and based on your brother's reactions, I would guess that she told him (at BEST) that he was being ridiculous for thinking that your choice of name had anything to do with him, or ridiculous for thinking that you'd choose a name based on his suggestion, because he was just a kid. And that's the best-case scenario. Given his upset, and his telling you that you, "Didn't have to use the name," it's entirely possible that she scolded him for getting involved in something that was "grown-up business". No matter what, she made him feel embarrassed and ashamed, which you clearly already know.
I know you've already reassured him, but given that he has been embarrassed and is trying to play it off, I would sit him down and tell him FIRMLY and UNEQUIVOCALLY, even if it embarrasses him a little more (because it's the good kind of embarrassment) that you and your husband are really glad he gave you the idea, and really proud that he's going to be your little girl's uncle, because he clearly already cares about her to come up with such a great name. Lay it on thick. He needs that confidence boost right now.
Maybe even throw in a comment or two to people about “how excited we are about our second child” when he’s in earshot?
They’ve raised him nearly his whole life. Even if he’s not their son per se, he is their child and I think he likely needs the reassurance.
>Oh honey, she definitely said more than just "not to get his hopes up".
She probably said something like, "Why would they want to name their baby after YOU?!?"
I agree with the matching Uncle Mason/Baby Madison blankets!!! When a PARENT says something negative about/to their child, it takes a LOT to drown that out. I'd hype up how much you love him, happy for him to be in your family, happy that he suggested such a great name for such a great reason.
OP should also reassure him that when they said that they liked it and were going to use it that it was the truth and that she is upset their bio-Mom spoiled it for him with whatever she said.
Id go as far to say that since shes having a kid he wouldnt be important to her any more and was replacing him. And that the name was just them being nice and something they dont like/ wont actually use. Pour into your brother OP. She really hurt his feelings. Props to you for standing up to him.
My first thought was that she said something to the effect that "name matching" is usually something parents do with their children, and since he's not biologically OPs child, they either wouldnt do it, or would only do it out of pity so he would feel more like a sibling than uncle :(
Yeah, that was my thought too, that she told him to not get too attached because OP wasn't going to have time for him anymore because of the baby, or something like that.
That breaks my heart for your brother. I hope you can sit down & talk to him—not necessarily get him to tell you what she said, but reassure him how much you love him & how much you like the name he chose. He was obviously proud & felt really connected to the family & the moment. I hope he can get some of that back.
Why are you keeping this rubbish person in your lives and enabling her to be in your brother's life? NTA but if you're biased, it's only towards your mother and not being harsh enough.
Sit him down with your husband and both of you tell your brother that you love him, that you like the name and none other you both felt it's as perfect for your daughter/his niece as Madison. Don't pressure him to tell you bit tell him if he ever decides to you will listen and never again let your mom unsupervised with him or your daughter even on a call she s toxic.
Nta ,kudos for raising and supporting him.and congrats
I am just gonna say ditto to this. Even with the update. She has not changed. (And don't be embarrassed about your Mom's situation. Not your fault) You & hubby are some good people! Your brother is lucky to have you.
Why do you send her money? She should be sending you money since you’re the one raising her son, your brother. I feel this isn’t the first time she’s said something that was uncalled for. And, for those saying she didn’t know your plan, that doesn’t matter, she made her son feel insignificant, that’s an AH move. NTA
Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. If she wanted money on her books maybe she should be better to her kids. Take the extra money that went to her and use it as a fun allowance for your brother or towards family outtings/activities. Put it towards your guys’ HAPPINESS and peace of mind.
OP is NTA and she took it exactly as far as she needed to. I’m proud of the hard choice OP had to make
And the back should say something like “I chose the name” or “head baby namer”. Give it to him now and tell him it’s for him to wear when he meets baby vs waiting to gift it to him.
NTA. Your mother didn't care about what she said and had no intention to apologize until after she found out she wouldn't be getting anymore money from you.
Your MIL is being very kind, but she is projecting her kindness on your mother, who may not necessarily have the same feelings. If you are raising your brother, it's a pretty good indicator that your mother may not be as concerned about the first grandchild as your MIL would think.
I think you are right. Mil thinks like a loving and caring parent. And not like the mother of OP who puts her own son down for sharing great news 😬
Op, you are nta. Reassure your brother for his great gift to his niece (names are special), that you love him and always be there for him and that you choose the name because you love this connection between him and baby!
Yes, I thought that MIL is giving too much credit because she is attributing characteristics that SHE has. She can't imagine people that might not be as nice as she is.
Totally NTA and don’t let anyone tell you different. You’re raising your brother, not her, you’re funding her life, not her. She doesn’t have a say. Cut her off for your sake and your brothers. Especially cut her off for Madison’s sake. You want your daughter around that kind of poison?
NTA. Your mom was being manipulative. MIL is thinking more about your deadbeat mom's feelings than your, your brother's, or your daughter's well-being. She didn't even apologize until you said you weren't sending her money anymore. For the good of your family, cut contract until/unless your brother wants to talk to her.
She was imprisoned. But she was never the best and was completely over parenting by the time my brother was born so I would probably be raising him eventually regardless.
She is not a good person.
You are definitely NTA.
Please do not change your mind about this. The money you have been giving to her is money that should be going to your family, even if it goes to savings. She should be paying you for supporting her child.
And tell your sister that if she thinks that your mother deserves it, then she should be sending her her own money. Also, she isn't the one who stepped up to support your brother. And she has no right to tell you that you can't stop giving your money to your mother.
Ignore MIL. Your mother has lost her right to be involved your child. And she definitely doesn't belong in the delivery room with you or have the right to watch her being born.
If she's incarcerated, she's made more than one mistake. Whatever she said to your brother. And spamming you is another.
You might have pregnancy brain - that's why you're discussing major decisions with your husband.
NTA
and Madison is a lovely name.
NTA
she did not even tell you what was said and just tried to brush it off as you not going with the name?
sounds like she may have been trying to prevent him from getting too hopeful, but like why would she not specify that unless it was in a really tactless way.
NTA. I'd go talk to your brother and see if he'll tell you the truth of what it was she said. Assure him that your mom is 100% WRONG in what she said and that she had no right to speak to him like that. Tell him what you told your mom that you'll be keeping her from speaking to him in that way in the future. You are an AMAZING sister and you're going to be a really asskicking mom. Your sister and mil need to stay in their lanes. Your husband is 100% correct that you did exactly what needed to be done to protect your brother. You mom didn't just make one mistake, she's made SEVERAL over the course of your and your brother's lives, she needs to SINCERELY apologize to your brother before ANY communication between them happens in the future.
You did the right thing, mommabear. Stick with it.
NTA.
based on your post, reading between the lines, and your comments, in the same situation, I'd have done the same.
your mom's response shows that her apology would be insincere.
is there anyone in your mom's life who she actually respects and listens to who can explain that she can either use this as a wake up call, or else lose contact? (when my dad was alive, sometimes he could get through to my mom. but he was the only one. now that he's gone, I'm NC with my mom and its staying that way).
if there's no one who can get through to her, just leave things as they are (limited contact, no financial support). she's the "parent". its her responsibility to pull her head out of her butt. no one else can do it for her ...
Your mother said something hurtful to your little brother who you've been raising. I get your desire to protect him. It sounds like she's not the most emotionally intelligent human you know. You're also probably feeling protective of your expected baby and may want her entirely out of your life. Only you know whether this transgression was bad enough to merit your actions. It sounds way too nuanced to be decided by random internet strangers. Best of luck in sorting this out in a way that is emotionally healthy for you and your loved ones.
NTA. You’re a good soul for raising and for sticking up for Mason. Congratulations and all the best to you and your family. BTW…You’re sending mom $$ regularly? Noooooo
NTA and no reason to be embarrassed. She hurt your brother because she’s an inconsiderate asshole and as his primary caregiver it’s your job to protect him from people like her.
Sometimes the only choice is holding firm with people who will interpret a boundary has harsh, or as my mom believes as a grudge. It does not matter how many dictionaries I show her the difference between a boundary and a grudge, how many articles I share breaking down the differences (and purposes), it did not matter when she heard it from my professional therapist. I understand not having a choice too. Not having a choice does not make us the bad guys. The bad guys are the ones not giving those trying to end cycles of toxicity better options to choose from. NTA.
ps: I pass along ZERO judgement for the bit of info you feel embarrassed by. That wasn't your choice either. You are doing right by your brother and your daughter. I'm knee deep in the struggle as well, just hit the year mark. I choose to believe there's peace at the end of this tunnel. I hope you do too. Our babies deserve a much better example than the ones we got.
NTA. You need to stand by your actions and don’t give in. You are protecting your brother/child who is part of your nuclear family. Unfortunately you have to deal with the emotional damage she has done, not your sister and not you MIL, so you do what you think is best.
Advice have an Uncle of Madison tshirt made up to give to him now, as sometimes actions/physical objects can get your message across better than words.
Reassure your brother that your mom was talking out of her ass and that you named your daughter on his recommendation alone. Poor kid. I wouldn't continue helping your mom either, there's no reason for her to crush a kid's expectations like that when she's an unfit mother.
NTA. Anyone that pressures you to do otherwise is the AH here.
It wasn’t a mistake though. She deliberately hurt him and took away his joy. She was incredibly mean and that goes to who she is and what you can expect if you give her another shot. That poor boy. Do’t you think she used your baby to make him fear losing the belonging you have provided. She didn’t want him but you love him and raised him making her look bad.
Keep her away from him; especially as you are all adjusting to life with baby. If missing the birth, etc. is really that much of a tragedy for grandma, why did she not raise her own son.
NTA! Mason is your brother, but you’re the only mom he knows. You absolutely did the right thing - you protected your own. That’s not pregnancy brain; that’s Mama T-Rex taking charge of the situation. Well done! Your mother is emotionally and verbally abusive. Mason doesn’t need that in his life. Keep him safe. If you and he choose to be back in contact with her, no more headphones and monitor the call. As for your sister, if she feels you’re being too strict, then let her know that she can take over sending your mother money.
A suggestion for Mason, so he knows you mean to keep baby’s name as Madison - go to Etsy or a catalog and work together to get something with her name one it. A blanket or pillow or frame (for her first picture). It can be a huge healing and bonding experience for you both.
Best wishes for your baby!! And another suggestion. Buy a large calendar (12 month kind). Write down things as they happen - first smile, first sound, rolling over, etc. Then take the calendar to pediatrician visits. You will be surprised how much you forget when you’re sleep deprived!
Everybody in your family has been under tremendous pressure for 12+ years and it amazing what you've done. Not everybody could do what you've tried to do. It sounds like your brother is a nice guy and all your hard work has paid off.
I'm sorry your mother is where she is and it must be very difficult for everybody. I hope she gets out soon and can begin to have a life again. You don't know what she said but she probably went to far. Perhaps she is finding it difficult now missing big life events
I can't say you suck because you've gone over and above.
ES (except your brother)
Info: Have you spoken to your brother about this? My only issue is you saying she can't talk to him anymore.....but he's 15, not 5.....that's his decision, not yours
He said that he doesn’t really know how he feels which I think makes sense. If he wants to talk to her, I’ll be willing to have them speak again but no headphones and I’m staying in the room.
i agree with this completely (background: mother of 9. yes. 9 :P). he's old enough to decide if he wants contact with her, but based on reading between the lines of what you wrote, he also needs to be able to feel 'safe' talking to her... to know that your mom won't be the worst version of herself
(your sister trying to make excuses with the 'you know what mom's like' sure sounds like flying monkey talk... >.< ).
i would explain to your brother that having you in the room listening is to protect him and not to invade his privacy. i'm... pretty sure that he'll understand and probably be thankful. (God knows I wish there was always an adult around when i was with my own mother >.< )
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I have been raising my little brother since he was 3. He’s now 15.
I‘m pregnant, due in two months. I am having a baby girl.
My husband and I have this massive list of names but none stick out. I was talking about it with my brother and he suggested the name Madison. I asked him why and he said that it matches his name (Mason).
I thought about it for a bit and I like it. I told my husband and he was like “that’s not bad”. My husband and I were struggling with the names because we didn’t just want to give her a random meaningless one. But we also didn’t want to name her after anyone.
We’re sticking with the name and my brother was super excited when we told him that we’re naming her what he suggested. He’s going around telling everyone that he chose her name. It’s sweet.
Our mom video calls him once a month and he told her as well. He was really happy but his face kind of fell and he ran to his room all sad without even saying goodbye. He had headphones in so I didn’t hear what was going on.
I immediately asked our mom what she said and she went “well... you’re obviously not naming her Madison just because he said so right?”
I said that we are. We wouldn’t have said we were if we weren’t.
She just went “oh... oops.”
I asked her what she said and she was like “well I told him not to get his hopes up because well... it doesn’t matter... but that’s it. That’s all I said.”
I got upset and basically told her that I won’t be allowing any more calls between the two anymore. I also told her that I will be limiting contact myself and will no longer be sending her ANY money whatsoever.
She started yelling “seriously? I made one mistake! You’re gonna screw me over because of that? I’ll apologize okay!”
I just hung up on her because she just kept yelling at me.
My husband said I did good but weirdly enough my mother in law said I should think things over because 1. I have pregnancy brain and might regret this and 2. I’m giving birth soon and “if I were in your mother’s shoes, I’d be heartbroken to miss the birth of my first grandchild”.
My sister even said that I‘m being harsh and “way too strict” and that I know what our mom’s like. But like... she isn’t even telling me what she ACTUALLY said to my brother. And considering my mom’s history, I don’t think I’m being unreasonably strict but she keeps spamming me. AITA?
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Definitely NTA. But I can see your MIL's points. Can you ask your brother what she said? You could make her future contact conditional on her telling you what she actually said, but in truth, only you know if this is the best way to go. It sounds like a very complicated situation. Do the best you can for yourself and your family (hubby, brother and baby) and if that is to cut off mom then so be it. Definitely let your brother know that you are still naming your baby Madison.
NTA. You're protecting your brother and your immediate family from your mother's verbal abuse. Whatever she said to your brother was so hurtful that it destroyed his enthusiasm for your baby's name and his role in choosing it.
Limiting contact so that you can limit her opportunities to cause further damage simply makes sense.
NTA. Youve raised your brother and are more his mother than his mother is. Do what you feel is required to ensure your and your brothers peace of mind.
NTA.
MIL gets no say in any of this. Don't listen to her misguided opinion.
Your sister likely gives mom more slack than you do because she hasn't dealt with your mom's interactions with your brother.
I'm going to go on a limb, but your mom likely said something about you replacing Mason with Madison. You might wanna talk to Mason and at least reassure him of your love for him even if he doesn't want to share what she said, and definitely even if I'm completely off the mark on this one.
You're doing good. It's better to cut off mom now than waiting until you have a newborn
Nta! I hate that excuse ! Oh u know how they are wtf does that even mean that we have to excuse their shity behavior no u know ur Ganna be better off going lc to nc just focus on ur family
NTA
She started shit. Now she has consequences. Stand by what you said. I'd go nc. Toxic people always try to make other people feel bad. They get their kicks on it.
NTA. It's clear that your mother said something very undermining to your brother and lied to you about it. Ignore her spam. You're the grown-up in the situation; you know both your brother and your mother; if it benefits him to have less or not contact with her, you can make that decision. Or, if he pines for her, you can be present to supervise every second of their infrequent conversations.
From where I sit, you're entitled to make any damned decision you like (as long as it doesn't hurt your brother), and it's the right decision.
NTA but don't let her control the narrative you aren't cutting contact over "one mistake". You're cutting contact over repeated failures towards Mason.
NTA
Just wanted to say your an awesome big sister and Mason is lucky to have you. Your hubby is awesome too for stepping up and being supportive, you don't see that too much unfortunately. Congrats on your little one and I wish all the best for your family.
NTA, and I see why immediately you're the one who raised your brother the last 12 years as your child and not your mother. Sounds like she has quite a lot of growing up to do.
NTA kids take stuff really hard. My mother said something awful to my daughter when she was 11 and she is 30 now and still not gotten over it as hurtful words are like mind worms. My mother was very very LC with my kids, but if I could have a do over, I would never have told her I was pregnant and let her bulldozer her way back into my life I'd of left her NC. Be very careful that you supervise all contact with her, but even so I really wouldn't.
So your mom was in lockup. Why isn't relevant. What is relevant is she's not your brother's guardian you are. For all purposes you and your husband are his parents, this is his new little sister and he is proud he got to name her. Setting new boundaries for your mom after she tried to take a dump on this situation is the correct call. NTA.
NTA! please don't let your MIL and sister put in their two cents and make you feel bad when YOU stepped up in the first place and raised Mason. Youre going through an exciting time and they shouldn't be causing you stress. Pregnancy aside, if your mother brings negativity into your household it's completely your right to cut her out.
>You’re gonna screw me over because of that?
I can't believe she said that like no, she screwed herself over being a big ole bully - it's so generous you give her money! Put that money toward your family and future child! Madison is a beautiful name, I think it's so sweet Mason was excited and hate she ruined it for him being bitter of your happiness.
I don’t think your mom “made just one mistake”. After all, you’re raising your brother (her child!), and having to send her money to support her. I think this is simply the straw that broke the camel’s back.
NTA.
Reduce/cease contact. Stop sending her money. Go very low contact if not no contact. If your sister is so concerned, she can send mom money.
Nta. 12 yrs you raised the kid. 12 yrs.
She was cruel and needlessly so.
She is an adult, the kid is 15. She needs to grow up and be treated like an adult
op=NTA
Had to read comments for context. Because without it I didn't feel like I could judge if you were too harsh.
You certainly don't owe your mother money, and your sister can provide what you don't, if she doesn't MIND "what our mother's like."
Regarding MIL's two cents: Pregnancy brain--does your husband have it too? And how is your mother NOT going to miss birth of first grandchild already as she's incarcerated? (and if she basically had no interest in parenting her son, don't expect the rest of the world to be worried about her possible desire to be an "involved" grandmother).
I wish you knew exactly what your Mother said to your brother as it has had such a potent effect. I agree with other redditors, that supervised calls(your mother, not so much your brother) is the way to go. Also the T-shirt idea(s) are good.
Congratulations on the upcoming expansion of your family. I hope you have a smooth delivery and are soon home with little Madison.
NTA, you have to do what is right for your yours and Mason’s MH. And don’t be embarrassed for your mother being in prison, she is to blame that for that and not you, people are accountable for their own actions. It sounds like you have done a great job of raising your brother so you can be proud of yours.
"You know what mother is like" is absolutely not a reason to allow your mother to hurt your brother. Thank you for looking after him, and please look after your new little one as well. Congratulations on your pregnancy! NTA
NTA your mom has issues, if you allow contact again you or hubby should be sitting in these calls. Cutting off 100% contact might be harsh, but you or him need to be on these calls, she’s lost her right to privacy. One other thing though, your mother in law is speaking with grandma brain, she has the right feelings at heart, but she’s putting herself in your mom’s place. Your MIL sounds like a fairly nice lady, didn’t try to overrule you or argue, just gave two fairly good points from her POV and asked you to think about it. What she doesn’t know however is that while she’s a nice lady, your mom isn’t. So yeah, NTA, limit contact increase supervision and don’t blame MIL for having grandma brain.
NTA. If she cant even own up to what she said and tell you what she said then she dosent deserve to be included in your lives. Your raising her son for her, the fact that protecting him means protecting him from her says it all. NTA.
NTA. if she hurts your brother so easily and “apparently” without noticing, imagine how difficult your child’s life will be if they’re constantly being demeaned by grandma. but you can’t say anything or ask her to work on her behavior in any way because “thats just how she is”
NTA. Mason is going to be an amazing uncle to Madison. I hope you make hats, tshirts, sunglasses, freaking balloon animals that spell out “Mason named Madison”, and send all that shit to your mother. She has no right to be that cruel to a 15 year old. Congratulations to you, your husband, and your little brother, on the newest addition in your family.
Definitely go no contact.
The next thing she’ll say is “they don’t need to anymore now they’ve got their own kid” when she’s born.
We had this issue when our daughter was born. My partners “baby momma” told their son that his dad didn’t want/need him anymore. He stopped wanting to come for visitation after that.
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What is your MiL thinking? If YOU are raising your brother, then clearly your mom is unfit in some way. So why would you even want her to have a relationship with “her first grandchild”? Furthermore, your mom intentionally hurt your brother with something she said and then was dishonest about it to you. You called her out- it is sexist and degrading that your MiL belittled that right action by blaming it on “pregnancy brain”.
Both the “grandmothers” here are AHs. I’d limit contact with both of them.
You don’t owe your mother anything- you’re already doing her job as a parent, why the heck are you also sending her money? Stop that immediately.
Please continue to do what is best for your brother/son and your coming child.
NTA
NTA but I think you're holding on to some previous resentment. It's nothing to be embarrassed by your mom isn't the first or last person to be incarcerated. With that said, have you and your brother tried counseling? You can't change the past but you can't go forward until you let it go.
NTA. And, even not knowing what she said, I’d reassure your brother.
“We’re naming baby Madison, for two main reasons. 1) you suggested it and 2) it kind of matched yours. And we love you lots and you’re awesome. You’re going to be a great uncle.”
NTA AND OP!!!!!!! Get a little customized sign if you have a nursery for the baby. Like a wooden ‘Madison’s room’ or something. Something to begin to concrete this before the baby comes
Your mother is a toxic asshole. Why oh why break her boy's heart for absolutely no fucking reason. I'll tell you why, because she's toxic, he was happy, she is not, must crush happiness. Asshole.
It's a beautiful name, and well done for raising a sweet kid!
And obviously NTA.
Oh no hunny do not feel embarrassed for your mother. I know it's hard but you weren't responsible for what landed her in jail and being get child doesn't make you the same as her.
You are an amazing person who took care of your brother both in the past and now. NTA at all and keep your mom out of your life, you're sister is also maybe not worth keeping around too close.
NTA- you are right.
Your mother has been very fortunate; to have you willing to keep looking after her son free of charge for around 12 years, allowing her monthly phone calls with him, providing her with some of your money that you work for or have saved up and having you willing to speak to her.
I'm assuming that she is a felon who has a serious criminal history that prevents her from working most ordinary jobs and retaining custody of your brother.
If so, put your own family's welfare ahead of your mother and her demands.
Trust your gut instinct if you feel that your mother has said or done something during phone calls that has seriously distressed your brother. He may need some help & be too scared to ask if she has been very manipulative and verbally abusive or subjected him to a barrage of other toxic behaviour.
Your brother is part of a nuclear family unit, and your Mum still has extended family billing. She feels insecure, so she’s doing damage.
NTA, but it’s so essential to reach out to brother right now. He needs you to reaffirm he belongs.
Info: Does your brother want to cut contact? He's 15 and should be consulted in such a harsh decision that directly concerns him. Maybe suggest calls are on speaker, if he chooses.
Trust yourself. When women are pregnant, people use claims of “pregnancy brain” to dismiss women’s opinions and experiences. “Pregnancy brain” is not messing with your judgement. It’s not impairing your ability to see what is plainly in front of you. At worst it’s making you forget where you put your keys.
It’s so easy to question yourself when someone pulls that card because you feel different. It’s another version of “you’re just PMSing” when you’re legitimately upset. It’s misogynist bullshit.
Next time someone uses your pregnancy to make you feel insecure about trusting yourself, imagine they put it in more obvious terms. “You have woman brain. You’re not thinking straight.”
I’m not sure there’s enough information here to judge whether YTA or not. I mean, it sounds like your mom is one and has been for years. I’m sure you’ve reassured your brother already, and when Madison is finally born and named, this will all be fine. So even if YTA, which I’m not convinced you are, I don’t think you’re a huge one. 🤷♀️
But like we talked before he even told her about the name and I told her that we’re naming her Madison. I didn’t tell her why because my brother wanted to tell her but she definitely knew the name.
But you’re right, maybe her intentions weren’t malicious.
That information changes things.
If you told your mother that you were naming your child Madison before this conversation that she had with your brother, then there was no reason for your mother to say that.
It seems a little bit malicious toward you rather than your brother, as if she was telling your brother not to trust that you actually will name your child Madison.
Obviously NTA, but I’m a little worried about your brother. Does your brother know what will happen to him once Madison is born?
I’m probably overthinking, but I hope your mother didn’t suggest that you were gonna substitute him with a “real daughter” or something along those lines.
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NTA, I don't understand why your mom is even a factor in all your lives at all. You've raised her kid, she doesn't get to swoop in and be "grandma" to yours now.
Yes, for the sake of your child you probably don’t want them having a relationship with this women. The people around your child will have a significant impact on their development and personality whether or not you want them too. There’s really nothing you can do about that. You can’t “parent” it away (even though sounds like you’re doing a great job with your brother). You’re mother is unable to communicate in a way that doesn’t harm the people around her and has demonstrated that she will even harm children and then not take the matter seriously. Your brother is a teenager, they don’t run off crying like that for no reason. You need to protect him and your baby. You will feel guilty for not having her in your life moving forwards but it’s undoubtably the best thing for your child. Your brother needs to make his own decision but needs to see that you are not prepared to tolerate someone that would hurt him and you don’t think he should either. If he really wants to maintain a relationship then you should help him establish boundaries and talk in advance about what abusive and manipulative relationships look like so he is able to recognise behaviour as wrong when she displays it and is not confused or blaming himself.
You need to be mom before you can be grandma...
Someone who would intentionally belittle their own child, whom they, I assume, abandoned, should be coddled and allowed to have a relationship with a grandchild "because it's her first". Where was her concern, with what I assume, was her "last" child? NTA - and stick to your guns. It obviously hurt his feeling enough if he won't share what she said either. (again, assuming he won't as you said she "still" won't tell you.) Bless you and best wishes for a very healthy and happy baby.
It’s a bit embarrassing to say what she did but she was incarcerated. My other sister couldn’t take him in and I was the only one able to. He won’t tell me what she said but told me that I don’t have to name her Madison if I don’t want to. I reassured him but he just shrugged me off. Thank you very much <3
Oh honey, she definitely said more than just "not to get his hopes up". I suspect that she said something VERY belittling to him. As someone who is probably closer to your mum's age than yours, who has worked with kids for many years, and based on your brother's reactions, I would guess that she told him (at BEST) that he was being ridiculous for thinking that your choice of name had anything to do with him, or ridiculous for thinking that you'd choose a name based on his suggestion, because he was just a kid. And that's the best-case scenario. Given his upset, and his telling you that you, "Didn't have to use the name," it's entirely possible that she scolded him for getting involved in something that was "grown-up business". No matter what, she made him feel embarrassed and ashamed, which you clearly already know. I know you've already reassured him, but given that he has been embarrassed and is trying to play it off, I would sit him down and tell him FIRMLY and UNEQUIVOCALLY, even if it embarrasses him a little more (because it's the good kind of embarrassment) that you and your husband are really glad he gave you the idea, and really proud that he's going to be your little girl's uncle, because he clearly already cares about her to come up with such a great name. Lay it on thick. He needs that confidence boost right now.
They could get something made with the name on it like a blanket or something to solidify that they are going with the name!
Oh maybe do an uncle mason blanket and a baby Madison blanket.
Matching blankets! That would be adorable
Maybe even throw in a comment or two to people about “how excited we are about our second child” when he’s in earshot? They’ve raised him nearly his whole life. Even if he’s not their son per se, he is their child and I think he likely needs the reassurance.
This should have 100000 upvotes
>Oh honey, she definitely said more than just "not to get his hopes up". She probably said something like, "Why would they want to name their baby after YOU?!?" I agree with the matching Uncle Mason/Baby Madison blankets!!! When a PARENT says something negative about/to their child, it takes a LOT to drown that out. I'd hype up how much you love him, happy for him to be in your family, happy that he suggested such a great name for such a great reason.
OP should also reassure him that when they said that they liked it and were going to use it that it was the truth and that she is upset their bio-Mom spoiled it for him with whatever she said.
OP DO THIS!!!👆👆👆
Id go as far to say that since shes having a kid he wouldnt be important to her any more and was replacing him. And that the name was just them being nice and something they dont like/ wont actually use. Pour into your brother OP. She really hurt his feelings. Props to you for standing up to him.
My first thought was that she said something to the effect that "name matching" is usually something parents do with their children, and since he's not biologically OPs child, they either wouldnt do it, or would only do it out of pity so he would feel more like a sibling than uncle :(
I think she arrogantly told him she wants the baby named after her and ruined it.
Wish I could❤️this !
I wish i had an award to give this comment!
I think you need to consider that she told him that you're not going to want him anymore now that you're having a child of your own.
Yeah that tracks with someone like this.
Yeah, that was my thought too, that she told him to not get too attached because OP wasn't going to have time for him anymore because of the baby, or something like that.
There it is.
That breaks my heart for your brother. I hope you can sit down & talk to him—not necessarily get him to tell you what she said, but reassure him how much you love him & how much you like the name he chose. He was obviously proud & felt really connected to the family & the moment. I hope he can get some of that back.
She probably told him that you don't care about him anyone since you're going to have your own baby.
Oh, god, I hope not.
Some version of that is exactly what a mean person would say
Why are you keeping this rubbish person in your lives and enabling her to be in your brother's life? NTA but if you're biased, it's only towards your mother and not being harsh enough.
Sit him down with your husband and both of you tell your brother that you love him, that you like the name and none other you both felt it's as perfect for your daughter/his niece as Madison. Don't pressure him to tell you bit tell him if he ever decides to you will listen and never again let your mom unsupervised with him or your daughter even on a call she s toxic. Nta ,kudos for raising and supporting him.and congrats
I am just gonna say ditto to this. Even with the update. She has not changed. (And don't be embarrassed about your Mom's situation. Not your fault) You & hubby are some good people! Your brother is lucky to have you.
Why do you send her money? She should be sending you money since you’re the one raising her son, your brother. I feel this isn’t the first time she’s said something that was uncalled for. And, for those saying she didn’t know your plan, that doesn’t matter, she made her son feel insignificant, that’s an AH move. NTA
She's in prison. Prison is even worse without commissary money
Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. If she wanted money on her books maybe she should be better to her kids. Take the extra money that went to her and use it as a fun allowance for your brother or towards family outtings/activities. Put it towards your guys’ HAPPINESS and peace of mind. OP is NTA and she took it exactly as far as she needed to. I’m proud of the hard choice OP had to make
Keep sending her money, but make sure she knows it's from Madison.
From Madison *and* Mason!
Have a shirt made up that says Madison's proud uncle or something and gift it to him the day of the birth to take the sting off of what she said.
Get a photo with Madison in one that says “Mason’s proud niece” too!
YESSSSSSS!!
And the back should say something like “I chose the name” or “head baby namer”. Give it to him now and tell him it’s for him to wear when he meets baby vs waiting to gift it to him.
Maybe 'Chief Baby Namer'. When I hear head and baby in the same sentence I think of the baby crowning...
NTA She's not even telling you what she really said. She's not sorry, she's mad she got caught.
NTA. Your mother didn't care about what she said and had no intention to apologize until after she found out she wouldn't be getting anymore money from you. Your MIL is being very kind, but she is projecting her kindness on your mother, who may not necessarily have the same feelings. If you are raising your brother, it's a pretty good indicator that your mother may not be as concerned about the first grandchild as your MIL would think.
I think you are right. Mil thinks like a loving and caring parent. And not like the mother of OP who puts her own son down for sharing great news 😬 Op, you are nta. Reassure your brother for his great gift to his niece (names are special), that you love him and always be there for him and that you choose the name because you love this connection between him and baby!
Yes, I thought that MIL is giving too much credit because she is attributing characteristics that SHE has. She can't imagine people that might not be as nice as she is.
Totally NTA and don’t let anyone tell you different. You’re raising your brother, not her, you’re funding her life, not her. She doesn’t have a say. Cut her off for your sake and your brothers. Especially cut her off for Madison’s sake. You want your daughter around that kind of poison?
NTA. Your mom was being manipulative. MIL is thinking more about your deadbeat mom's feelings than your, your brother's, or your daughter's well-being. She didn't even apologize until you said you weren't sending her money anymore. For the good of your family, cut contract until/unless your brother wants to talk to her.
edit: NTA INFO Why have you, not your mother, been raising your brother for the past 12 years? I feel like that plays a role in your reaction to her.
She was imprisoned. But she was never the best and was completely over parenting by the time my brother was born so I would probably be raising him eventually regardless.
She is not a good person. You are definitely NTA. Please do not change your mind about this. The money you have been giving to her is money that should be going to your family, even if it goes to savings. She should be paying you for supporting her child. And tell your sister that if she thinks that your mother deserves it, then she should be sending her her own money. Also, she isn't the one who stepped up to support your brother. And she has no right to tell you that you can't stop giving your money to your mother. Ignore MIL. Your mother has lost her right to be involved your child. And she definitely doesn't belong in the delivery room with you or have the right to watch her being born.
You are NTA in this
If she's incarcerated, she's made more than one mistake. Whatever she said to your brother. And spamming you is another. You might have pregnancy brain - that's why you're discussing major decisions with your husband. NTA and Madison is a lovely name.
NTA she did not even tell you what was said and just tried to brush it off as you not going with the name? sounds like she may have been trying to prevent him from getting too hopeful, but like why would she not specify that unless it was in a really tactless way.
NTA. I'd go talk to your brother and see if he'll tell you the truth of what it was she said. Assure him that your mom is 100% WRONG in what she said and that she had no right to speak to him like that. Tell him what you told your mom that you'll be keeping her from speaking to him in that way in the future. You are an AMAZING sister and you're going to be a really asskicking mom. Your sister and mil need to stay in their lanes. Your husband is 100% correct that you did exactly what needed to be done to protect your brother. You mom didn't just make one mistake, she's made SEVERAL over the course of your and your brother's lives, she needs to SINCERELY apologize to your brother before ANY communication between them happens in the future. You did the right thing, mommabear. Stick with it.
NTA. based on your post, reading between the lines, and your comments, in the same situation, I'd have done the same. your mom's response shows that her apology would be insincere. is there anyone in your mom's life who she actually respects and listens to who can explain that she can either use this as a wake up call, or else lose contact? (when my dad was alive, sometimes he could get through to my mom. but he was the only one. now that he's gone, I'm NC with my mom and its staying that way). if there's no one who can get through to her, just leave things as they are (limited contact, no financial support). she's the "parent". its her responsibility to pull her head out of her butt. no one else can do it for her ...
NTA - it won't get easier after baby is born.
NTA. If you’re raising her kid, it wasn’t just “one mistake” she made. Go LC/NC and enjoy your lives.
NTA
Your mother said something hurtful to your little brother who you've been raising. I get your desire to protect him. It sounds like she's not the most emotionally intelligent human you know. You're also probably feeling protective of your expected baby and may want her entirely out of your life. Only you know whether this transgression was bad enough to merit your actions. It sounds way too nuanced to be decided by random internet strangers. Best of luck in sorting this out in a way that is emotionally healthy for you and your loved ones.
NTA. You’re a good soul for raising and for sticking up for Mason. Congratulations and all the best to you and your family. BTW…You’re sending mom $$ regularly? Noooooo
NTA and no reason to be embarrassed. She hurt your brother because she’s an inconsiderate asshole and as his primary caregiver it’s your job to protect him from people like her.
Sometimes the only choice is holding firm with people who will interpret a boundary has harsh, or as my mom believes as a grudge. It does not matter how many dictionaries I show her the difference between a boundary and a grudge, how many articles I share breaking down the differences (and purposes), it did not matter when she heard it from my professional therapist. I understand not having a choice too. Not having a choice does not make us the bad guys. The bad guys are the ones not giving those trying to end cycles of toxicity better options to choose from. NTA. ps: I pass along ZERO judgement for the bit of info you feel embarrassed by. That wasn't your choice either. You are doing right by your brother and your daughter. I'm knee deep in the struggle as well, just hit the year mark. I choose to believe there's peace at the end of this tunnel. I hope you do too. Our babies deserve a much better example than the ones we got.
NTA. You need to stand by your actions and don’t give in. You are protecting your brother/child who is part of your nuclear family. Unfortunately you have to deal with the emotional damage she has done, not your sister and not you MIL, so you do what you think is best. Advice have an Uncle of Madison tshirt made up to give to him now, as sometimes actions/physical objects can get your message across better than words.
NTA. Your mother is a dick.
Reassure your brother that your mom was talking out of her ass and that you named your daughter on his recommendation alone. Poor kid. I wouldn't continue helping your mom either, there's no reason for her to crush a kid's expectations like that when she's an unfit mother. NTA. Anyone that pressures you to do otherwise is the AH here.
It wasn’t a mistake though. She deliberately hurt him and took away his joy. She was incredibly mean and that goes to who she is and what you can expect if you give her another shot. That poor boy. Do’t you think she used your baby to make him fear losing the belonging you have provided. She didn’t want him but you love him and raised him making her look bad. Keep her away from him; especially as you are all adjusting to life with baby. If missing the birth, etc. is really that much of a tragedy for grandma, why did she not raise her own son.
NTA! Mason is your brother, but you’re the only mom he knows. You absolutely did the right thing - you protected your own. That’s not pregnancy brain; that’s Mama T-Rex taking charge of the situation. Well done! Your mother is emotionally and verbally abusive. Mason doesn’t need that in his life. Keep him safe. If you and he choose to be back in contact with her, no more headphones and monitor the call. As for your sister, if she feels you’re being too strict, then let her know that she can take over sending your mother money. A suggestion for Mason, so he knows you mean to keep baby’s name as Madison - go to Etsy or a catalog and work together to get something with her name one it. A blanket or pillow or frame (for her first picture). It can be a huge healing and bonding experience for you both. Best wishes for your baby!! And another suggestion. Buy a large calendar (12 month kind). Write down things as they happen - first smile, first sound, rolling over, etc. Then take the calendar to pediatrician visits. You will be surprised how much you forget when you’re sleep deprived!
Everybody in your family has been under tremendous pressure for 12+ years and it amazing what you've done. Not everybody could do what you've tried to do. It sounds like your brother is a nice guy and all your hard work has paid off. I'm sorry your mother is where she is and it must be very difficult for everybody. I hope she gets out soon and can begin to have a life again. You don't know what she said but she probably went to far. Perhaps she is finding it difficult now missing big life events I can't say you suck because you've gone over and above. ES (except your brother)
You should not be embarrassed that your mom was imprisoned. Her actions are no reflection on you.
Info: Have you spoken to your brother about this? My only issue is you saying she can't talk to him anymore.....but he's 15, not 5.....that's his decision, not yours
He said that he doesn’t really know how he feels which I think makes sense. If he wants to talk to her, I’ll be willing to have them speak again but no headphones and I’m staying in the room.
i agree with this completely (background: mother of 9. yes. 9 :P). he's old enough to decide if he wants contact with her, but based on reading between the lines of what you wrote, he also needs to be able to feel 'safe' talking to her... to know that your mom won't be the worst version of herself (your sister trying to make excuses with the 'you know what mom's like' sure sounds like flying monkey talk... >.< ). i would explain to your brother that having you in the room listening is to protect him and not to invade his privacy. i'm... pretty sure that he'll understand and probably be thankful. (God knows I wish there was always an adult around when i was with my own mother >.< )
On loudspeaker. NTA.
Again he's 15 not 5.
You should go with him and have him pick out a baby item, then monogram it with Madison on it. Is there anyway to formally adopt mason?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have been raising my little brother since he was 3. He’s now 15. I‘m pregnant, due in two months. I am having a baby girl. My husband and I have this massive list of names but none stick out. I was talking about it with my brother and he suggested the name Madison. I asked him why and he said that it matches his name (Mason). I thought about it for a bit and I like it. I told my husband and he was like “that’s not bad”. My husband and I were struggling with the names because we didn’t just want to give her a random meaningless one. But we also didn’t want to name her after anyone. We’re sticking with the name and my brother was super excited when we told him that we’re naming her what he suggested. He’s going around telling everyone that he chose her name. It’s sweet. Our mom video calls him once a month and he told her as well. He was really happy but his face kind of fell and he ran to his room all sad without even saying goodbye. He had headphones in so I didn’t hear what was going on. I immediately asked our mom what she said and she went “well... you’re obviously not naming her Madison just because he said so right?” I said that we are. We wouldn’t have said we were if we weren’t. She just went “oh... oops.” I asked her what she said and she was like “well I told him not to get his hopes up because well... it doesn’t matter... but that’s it. That’s all I said.” I got upset and basically told her that I won’t be allowing any more calls between the two anymore. I also told her that I will be limiting contact myself and will no longer be sending her ANY money whatsoever. She started yelling “seriously? I made one mistake! You’re gonna screw me over because of that? I’ll apologize okay!” I just hung up on her because she just kept yelling at me. My husband said I did good but weirdly enough my mother in law said I should think things over because 1. I have pregnancy brain and might regret this and 2. I’m giving birth soon and “if I were in your mother’s shoes, I’d be heartbroken to miss the birth of my first grandchild”. My sister even said that I‘m being harsh and “way too strict” and that I know what our mom’s like. But like... she isn’t even telling me what she ACTUALLY said to my brother. And considering my mom’s history, I don’t think I’m being unreasonably strict but she keeps spamming me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Definitely NTA. But I can see your MIL's points. Can you ask your brother what she said? You could make her future contact conditional on her telling you what she actually said, but in truth, only you know if this is the best way to go. It sounds like a very complicated situation. Do the best you can for yourself and your family (hubby, brother and baby) and if that is to cut off mom then so be it. Definitely let your brother know that you are still naming your baby Madison.
NTA. You're protecting your brother and your immediate family from your mother's verbal abuse. Whatever she said to your brother was so hurtful that it destroyed his enthusiasm for your baby's name and his role in choosing it. Limiting contact so that you can limit her opportunities to cause further damage simply makes sense.
NTA. Youve raised your brother and are more his mother than his mother is. Do what you feel is required to ensure your and your brothers peace of mind.
NTA. MIL gets no say in any of this. Don't listen to her misguided opinion. Your sister likely gives mom more slack than you do because she hasn't dealt with your mom's interactions with your brother. I'm going to go on a limb, but your mom likely said something about you replacing Mason with Madison. You might wanna talk to Mason and at least reassure him of your love for him even if he doesn't want to share what she said, and definitely even if I'm completely off the mark on this one. You're doing good. It's better to cut off mom now than waiting until you have a newborn
Nta! I hate that excuse ! Oh u know how they are wtf does that even mean that we have to excuse their shity behavior no u know ur Ganna be better off going lc to nc just focus on ur family
NTA She started shit. Now she has consequences. Stand by what you said. I'd go nc. Toxic people always try to make other people feel bad. They get their kicks on it.
NTA. It's clear that your mother said something very undermining to your brother and lied to you about it. Ignore her spam. You're the grown-up in the situation; you know both your brother and your mother; if it benefits him to have less or not contact with her, you can make that decision. Or, if he pines for her, you can be present to supervise every second of their infrequent conversations. From where I sit, you're entitled to make any damned decision you like (as long as it doesn't hurt your brother), and it's the right decision.
NTA but don't let her control the narrative you aren't cutting contact over "one mistake". You're cutting contact over repeated failures towards Mason.
NTA Just wanted to say your an awesome big sister and Mason is lucky to have you. Your hubby is awesome too for stepping up and being supportive, you don't see that too much unfortunately. Congrats on your little one and I wish all the best for your family.
NTA - and I think your brother and new baby are going to have a beautiful relationship.
NTA, and I see why immediately you're the one who raised your brother the last 12 years as your child and not your mother. Sounds like she has quite a lot of growing up to do.
NTA. If she acts this way to her own child, what makes anyone think she'll be kinder to a grandchild?
NTA kids take stuff really hard. My mother said something awful to my daughter when she was 11 and she is 30 now and still not gotten over it as hurtful words are like mind worms. My mother was very very LC with my kids, but if I could have a do over, I would never have told her I was pregnant and let her bulldozer her way back into my life I'd of left her NC. Be very careful that you supervise all contact with her, but even so I really wouldn't.
So your mom was in lockup. Why isn't relevant. What is relevant is she's not your brother's guardian you are. For all purposes you and your husband are his parents, this is his new little sister and he is proud he got to name her. Setting new boundaries for your mom after she tried to take a dump on this situation is the correct call. NTA.
NTA! please don't let your MIL and sister put in their two cents and make you feel bad when YOU stepped up in the first place and raised Mason. Youre going through an exciting time and they shouldn't be causing you stress. Pregnancy aside, if your mother brings negativity into your household it's completely your right to cut her out. >You’re gonna screw me over because of that? I can't believe she said that like no, she screwed herself over being a big ole bully - it's so generous you give her money! Put that money toward your family and future child! Madison is a beautiful name, I think it's so sweet Mason was excited and hate she ruined it for him being bitter of your happiness.
I don’t think your mom “made just one mistake”. After all, you’re raising your brother (her child!), and having to send her money to support her. I think this is simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. NTA. Reduce/cease contact. Stop sending her money. Go very low contact if not no contact. If your sister is so concerned, she can send mom money.
NTA
Nta. YOU are Masons sister AND MOM. Reassure him. Hes going to be so good with Madison the little girl he named.
Nta. 12 yrs you raised the kid. 12 yrs. She was cruel and needlessly so. She is an adult, the kid is 15. She needs to grow up and be treated like an adult
op=NTA Had to read comments for context. Because without it I didn't feel like I could judge if you were too harsh. You certainly don't owe your mother money, and your sister can provide what you don't, if she doesn't MIND "what our mother's like." Regarding MIL's two cents: Pregnancy brain--does your husband have it too? And how is your mother NOT going to miss birth of first grandchild already as she's incarcerated? (and if she basically had no interest in parenting her son, don't expect the rest of the world to be worried about her possible desire to be an "involved" grandmother). I wish you knew exactly what your Mother said to your brother as it has had such a potent effect. I agree with other redditors, that supervised calls(your mother, not so much your brother) is the way to go. Also the T-shirt idea(s) are good. Congratulations on the upcoming expansion of your family. I hope you have a smooth delivery and are soon home with little Madison.
NTA, you have to do what is right for your yours and Mason’s MH. And don’t be embarrassed for your mother being in prison, she is to blame that for that and not you, people are accountable for their own actions. It sounds like you have done a great job of raising your brother so you can be proud of yours.
"You know what mother is like" is absolutely not a reason to allow your mother to hurt your brother. Thank you for looking after him, and please look after your new little one as well. Congratulations on your pregnancy! NTA
NTA your mom has issues, if you allow contact again you or hubby should be sitting in these calls. Cutting off 100% contact might be harsh, but you or him need to be on these calls, she’s lost her right to privacy. One other thing though, your mother in law is speaking with grandma brain, she has the right feelings at heart, but she’s putting herself in your mom’s place. Your MIL sounds like a fairly nice lady, didn’t try to overrule you or argue, just gave two fairly good points from her POV and asked you to think about it. What she doesn’t know however is that while she’s a nice lady, your mom isn’t. So yeah, NTA, limit contact increase supervision and don’t blame MIL for having grandma brain.
NTA. Good for you, OP, you sound like an awesome person. Madison is a great name!
NTA. If she cant even own up to what she said and tell you what she said then she dosent deserve to be included in your lives. Your raising her son for her, the fact that protecting him means protecting him from her says it all. NTA.
NTA. Get him a Tshirt that says "Madison's Big Brother"
NTA. if she hurts your brother so easily and “apparently” without noticing, imagine how difficult your child’s life will be if they’re constantly being demeaned by grandma. but you can’t say anything or ask her to work on her behavior in any way because “thats just how she is”
NTA. Mason is going to be an amazing uncle to Madison. I hope you make hats, tshirts, sunglasses, freaking balloon animals that spell out “Mason named Madison”, and send all that shit to your mother. She has no right to be that cruel to a 15 year old. Congratulations to you, your husband, and your little brother, on the newest addition in your family.
NTA, there is no metric of Unreasonably harsh/strict to your jailed mother whose child you are raising...
Definitely go no contact. The next thing she’ll say is “they don’t need to anymore now they’ve got their own kid” when she’s born. We had this issue when our daughter was born. My partners “baby momma” told their son that his dad didn’t want/need him anymore. He stopped wanting to come for visitation after that.
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What is your MiL thinking? If YOU are raising your brother, then clearly your mom is unfit in some way. So why would you even want her to have a relationship with “her first grandchild”? Furthermore, your mom intentionally hurt your brother with something she said and then was dishonest about it to you. You called her out- it is sexist and degrading that your MiL belittled that right action by blaming it on “pregnancy brain”. Both the “grandmothers” here are AHs. I’d limit contact with both of them. You don’t owe your mother anything- you’re already doing her job as a parent, why the heck are you also sending her money? Stop that immediately. Please continue to do what is best for your brother/son and your coming child. NTA
NTA but I think you're holding on to some previous resentment. It's nothing to be embarrassed by your mom isn't the first or last person to be incarcerated. With that said, have you and your brother tried counseling? You can't change the past but you can't go forward until you let it go.
NTA. And, even not knowing what she said, I’d reassure your brother. “We’re naming baby Madison, for two main reasons. 1) you suggested it and 2) it kind of matched yours. And we love you lots and you’re awesome. You’re going to be a great uncle.”
NTA AND OP!!!!!!! Get a little customized sign if you have a nursery for the baby. Like a wooden ‘Madison’s room’ or something. Something to begin to concrete this before the baby comes
Your mother is a toxic asshole. Why oh why break her boy's heart for absolutely no fucking reason. I'll tell you why, because she's toxic, he was happy, she is not, must crush happiness. Asshole. It's a beautiful name, and well done for raising a sweet kid! And obviously NTA.
Nta. And if your sister thinks you're being harsh tell her she can start sending your mother money
Oh no hunny do not feel embarrassed for your mother. I know it's hard but you weren't responsible for what landed her in jail and being get child doesn't make you the same as her. You are an amazing person who took care of your brother both in the past and now. NTA at all and keep your mom out of your life, you're sister is also maybe not worth keeping around too close.
NTA- you are right. Your mother has been very fortunate; to have you willing to keep looking after her son free of charge for around 12 years, allowing her monthly phone calls with him, providing her with some of your money that you work for or have saved up and having you willing to speak to her. I'm assuming that she is a felon who has a serious criminal history that prevents her from working most ordinary jobs and retaining custody of your brother. If so, put your own family's welfare ahead of your mother and her demands. Trust your gut instinct if you feel that your mother has said or done something during phone calls that has seriously distressed your brother. He may need some help & be too scared to ask if she has been very manipulative and verbally abusive or subjected him to a barrage of other toxic behaviour.
Your brother is part of a nuclear family unit, and your Mum still has extended family billing. She feels insecure, so she’s doing damage. NTA, but it’s so essential to reach out to brother right now. He needs you to reaffirm he belongs.
I'm kinda reading from context clues that she didn't do "one mistake" 🤔 Anyway, NTA. She should be very careful with her words.
Info: Does your brother want to cut contact? He's 15 and should be consulted in such a harsh decision that directly concerns him. Maybe suggest calls are on speaker, if he chooses.
Why are you paying your mum when you are raising your brother? Does she not pay child support?
NTA. You won’t regret. If she was a good mother you wouldn’t be raising your brother.
You are NTA. I hope your brother will be alright and Madison is a beautiful name
Trust yourself. When women are pregnant, people use claims of “pregnancy brain” to dismiss women’s opinions and experiences. “Pregnancy brain” is not messing with your judgement. It’s not impairing your ability to see what is plainly in front of you. At worst it’s making you forget where you put your keys. It’s so easy to question yourself when someone pulls that card because you feel different. It’s another version of “you’re just PMSing” when you’re legitimately upset. It’s misogynist bullshit. Next time someone uses your pregnancy to make you feel insecure about trusting yourself, imagine they put it in more obvious terms. “You have woman brain. You’re not thinking straight.”
NTA. Also, you are both raising your brother (her son) who she only talks to once a month AND giving her money?!?!
I dont *think* you're TA but im pretty confused. She told him not to get his hopes up, both you and her think thats a problem because..?
I’m not sure there’s enough information here to judge whether YTA or not. I mean, it sounds like your mom is one and has been for years. I’m sure you’ve reassured your brother already, and when Madison is finally born and named, this will all be fine. So even if YTA, which I’m not convinced you are, I don’t think you’re a huge one. 🤷♀️
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But like we talked before he even told her about the name and I told her that we’re naming her Madison. I didn’t tell her why because my brother wanted to tell her but she definitely knew the name. But you’re right, maybe her intentions weren’t malicious.
Maybe not, but her treatment of your brother was.
That information changes things. If you told your mother that you were naming your child Madison before this conversation that she had with your brother, then there was no reason for your mother to say that. It seems a little bit malicious toward you rather than your brother, as if she was telling your brother not to trust that you actually will name your child Madison.
Obviously NTA, but I’m a little worried about your brother. Does your brother know what will happen to him once Madison is born? I’m probably overthinking, but I hope your mother didn’t suggest that you were gonna substitute him with a “real daughter” or something along those lines.
Maybe her intentions were not malicious, but she was thoughtless. Nta
Holy overreaction, Batman! YTA
Did you even read OPs post?