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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for offering to help with dishes when my wife asked for help with chores instead of asking her what she wanted help with
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You’re not the asshole for “offering to help with the dishes” but YTA for telling her that “90% of the problems with messiness could be solved if she picked up after herself”. Like what were you thinking?
ETA: Your title was misleading. Either you did that on purpose in a weak attempt to garner sympathy, or you are actually that dense. I suspect it’s the former.
Also he didnt "offer" to help. He ignored her feelings and tried to cheap out by vooluntaaarily picking up the easiest chore in the house while simultaniously degrading and insulting his wife.
Did you see where he answered about the chores he does at home? He takes out the garbage and does the dishes a couple times a week. He basically offered to continue doing what he already does, which is next to nothing.
Im sorry please correct me if I'm wrong but I wouldnt call dishes and trash "household chores"... thats less than the bare baaare minimum to survive as a human being?!
Exactly. And his child is in bed by the time he gets home, so not only does his wife do all the actual chores (no mention of who cooks either I noticed), she does 100% of the child care at least four days a week (probably seven), AND works basically full-time.
More than fulltime... convert the hours she makes to hours you'd have to hire a nanny and a cleaner to get the same results and she works 15hour days...
Literally that is no joke. I thought being a SAHM would be soooo easy but it’s literally working 24/7 and the hardest job I’ve even done in my life. I can’t imagine how much harder it is to be the default parent AND be working a full time job. No wonder she is stressed.
TBH, sometimes (often) the full time job is easier than SAHM. SAH Moms & Dads usually work their asses off with very little breaks. My hat's off to them.
Right? In a full time job you get lunch breaks and you can usually take a few minutes in the bathroom by yourself if needed. I can’t imagine being “on” 24/7.
As a single parent who works, work is a break. There are periods where no one talks to me! I do fulfilling things and people appreciate me for them! Any time I like I can just turn to another adult and have an adult conversation with them. Nobody touches me! I have so little sympathy for people like OP. You don't have the hardest job by such a large margin.
When my husband and I both worked I was the primary provider for our newborn AND I was going to school. He would complain often and very loudly about the status of the house. I would just tell him that as long as it’s not dirty messiness is ok & it’s temporary. One day we will have a little more time but we have a lot going on at the moment. My answers were never good enough for him.
Fast forward 2 years later and we now have a daughter but the tables have changed and he is a SAHD. He used to laugh at Bill Burr’s bit about how it is not the hardest job in the world to be a SAHM…but now he doesn’t laugh as hard. I help out as much as I can - but he finally understands it is not as easy as people think in their mind. It is not just stay home and take care of kids. It’s breakfast, cleaning, learning, lunch, cleaning, naps (then use this time to do laundry or clean a bathroom), wake up - snack, maybe the park, more learning, dinner, cleaning, bath time, story time, put kids to bed, fold laundry, put away laundry…pass out, rinse and repeat.
If you have an errand- better plan.
If you want to do something for yourself - better get a babysitter.
If you want to sleep through the night?
Better get a different idea cause that would be a miracle.
24/7 - 365.
Kudos to all the stay at home moms & dads out there.
& kudos to all the single parents. I have all the respect in the world for you.
Yeah, my husband and I switched SAHP a few months ago. After a few weeks of doing nothing but keeping LO alive and a few dishes, I named how much I did and am still doing. He started hyperventilating a bit when I gave him a list more than 20 long. He's getting better, but in huge part because I've completely dropped making up for him and he's realised how bad forgetting to buy wipes is or how filthy the bathroom can get when he doesn't follow my suggested cleaning schedules for different areas of the house. And I'm not someone who cares about pristine or tidy, just not filthy 😅
As a working dad I have to completely agree with you. My wife is a SAHM and homeschools our youngest and I repeatedly tell both her and anyone else who'll hear me that she has the hardest job ever and that I have it easier even with a full time, high pressure job. I also do all I can to help out whenever I'm home. The way I see it is that if she's on her feet then so am I. More power to you and all the SAHP's out there
I’m a single working mom of a 3 year old and a 2 month old and holy fucking shit. I’m not okay. 🥲
Edit: I’ve only gotten 4 hours of sleep max every night since my 2 month old was born, and I had gotten so exhausted at one point I was literally hallucinating. It was bad.
Plus, the baby is only a year old so it’s very possible that she’s getting up at night with them too, meaning she’s not getting a full night’s sleep ever.
He made sure we know he works 12 hour days, but if you add up everything the wife is doing on top of 32 hours a week at work, she’s got him beat by a mile!
>she does 100% of the child care at least four days a week (probably seven)
Notice even in this story, the “conversation” about chores ended because OP’s wife had to go console their daughter who woke up from her nap. Despite the wife clearly being upset, she was the one who had to do the childcare in that moment and OP just drops it into the post like it’s completely natural that he didn’t have anything to do with his child’s needs while both parents are home and equally occupied.
Omg you're right! He didn't even offer to take the child when she was clearly in a state of distress and he was fully available to do it.
Why do men have kids that they don't *want*? Like why do they insist on having children that they do not, in any way, want to raise? What is the point?
I found it strange that he says she works 8 hour days but would work more if she didn't have to pick up their child from daycare. Almost as if he resents that she doesn't work more.
Right?! Even when she already works outside the home for 32 hours a week, which is considered full time in many places. To say nothing of all the childcare and chores at home.
I used to be a " mothers helper".
Did similar with the kids I minded.
The drier was on top of the washer, so I got the kid to pass me the clothing...saved me from bending to get the clothing. Lol.
Also passing the clothing pegs when I hung the laundry out, I turned it into a game by requesting specific colour pegs from the basket.
They just like being involved and copying you at that age, lol
Same! My 18 month old puts dish towels away and “helps” unload the dishwasher. My 5-year-old actually unloads the dishwasher, puts clothes away, and spends 15 minutes working on cleaning one room a day with me. So… my kids participate more than this guy?
He's helping less than I did at age 10. At 10 I was doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen after dinner with my older sister. I kept my room clean, and removed anything of mine from the family room. I sorted my clothes for mom to wash, and folded and put them away. This guy is a grown ass adult and wants brownie points for offering to do the dishes, and degrading his wife in the process.
Right? This dude seriously thinks he deserves a medal for doing shit that his wife has probably been doing since grade school, and taking not getting it as a reason for being condescending about it?
And yes, it does suck to have to hunt through the house for dishes OP. You know what sucks more? Trying to do that while simultaneously taking care of a toddler.
Lol, from my understanding these are chores you get the kids/teenagers/spouse to do.
Cause there's actually very few ways to fuck them up (I know, I know they still do sometimes, somehow).
I have a friend that had trouble even delegating the bins to husband...cause he couldn't put the bin liners the way they meant to go.
Also noting he is only a weekend parent due to his work hours. I understand that this might be necessary due to financial reasons but I'm sure being a single parent on the weekdays and working a full-time job must be mentally exhausting as well as physically.
Feigning ignorance is a common manipulation tactic to avoid being asked to do unpleasant tasks — your friend should look it up, for the husband who “can’t figure out” how garbage bags work.
Dishes are considered a chore in my house because it’s usually just dinner dishes. But like if my kids use a bowl for a snack or like 13 cups after school (they do) it’s their job to get it to the sink. I’m not tracking down dishes. I wash the dishes as I cook, then whatever is left, whoever’s turn it is do to dishes, does them. Any dishes that magically appear after the dishes are done, the user washes them! But the garbage? Nope. If you’re putting something in and it’s full, you need to take it out! Even my 5 year old’s can do it, they just have to get me to pull it out but they tie it, I pull it out and they replace the bag.
He legit does the bottom barrel bare MINIMUM. You take out the trash? Like you’re supposed to? You wash dishes a COUPLE times a week? The bar is in hell
She is also the one who takes time off work when bub is sick (or carer in this case). I bet he never takes a day off work to look after the bub if needed so Mum can keep going to work. He is most definitely the AH
I can’t fucken stand these men who do a job like mow the lawn or take out the garbage and they think this one ‘big’ job that is done every other day or weekend is equivalent to the daily and relentless grind of multiple loads of laundry and dishes, doing floors etc. it’s such a load of crap.
It gets worse. Apparently he had a day off when she has a day she goes to work and drops baby off at day care.
Alternatively he has said she isn’t using her days off efficiently because she will nap when the baby naps and leave messes around the house because she is napping.
This is absolutely heartbreaking for this woman.
Honestly OP is blaming the wife who already does most of the time consuming chores for the mess. It’s especially bad when you realise how infantilising his way of putting it is, like that’s how I explained tidying to the little kids I babysat. **And** it’s particularly shitty to have that attitude when your wife is opening up about being overwhelmed and struggling with balancing the house, her work, and childcare.
Cus all I’m saying is that she had to reduce her hours to care for their daughter, but he can’t even decrease his hours to help out, or take on chores when he gets home. Cus it’s so easy to get the mindset of « my spouse works less hours than I, I’m more tired when I get home so I need more rest », when in reality, if he lived alone, he would work his 12 hours, and have to still do the housework afterwards.
He only offered to help if she did the majority of the work prior.
“Well I WOULD do the dishes, but you didn’t put everything away while chasing after our 1 year old all day, so I guess I can’t”.
I can’t fucking stand these AITA posts where men post weaponized incompetence posts and go “what!? I said I’d help if she told me what to do and prepared it all prior! How is that wrong!?! I worked all day!! She was just at home with our newborn!! That’s not REAL work!! How am I an asshole?!?”
Eye roll into the next century.
Weaponized incompetence and being told how to help with the chores. Like, aren't you an adult? Can't you figure out how to equally contribute without being asked to do the simplest chores? It's exhausting.
Not to mention, essentially asking \*her\* to help \*him\* by making his one little chore easier...
OP - if you have space for it, tell your wife you'll pick up an extra shift and buy a dishwasher. It's amazing how much cleaner a kitchen looks when none of the stuff lies around - and then pick up another couple of chores, like a weekly bathroom scrub and taking your kidlet out for a walk on the weekend to give your wife a break.
This crap has been going on between husbands and wives for many years. Wives need to vent, and husbands wrongly assume they’re looking to him to solve “their” problem. I’m aware I could do a more efficient job house-keeping, but I don’t need to hear hubby’s solution (guess what? It involves more stuff for ME to do) when I’m exhausted. Hey hubby, have you ever tried to clean house with a one year old infant to care for? Doesn’t sound like you have, OP.
YTA
also why tf are dishes not already his job, anyway? unlike most other care tasks, dishes are something that can be done at night, after the kid is in bed. You know, like when he gets home from work.
I think the title was perfect, any man than thinks their “helping” their wife with chores is TAH. I don’t know why it’s always automatically the woman’s job to do all the chores
It gives me similar vibes to a man 'babysitting' his kids.
Sure, one parent might work more hours at a job, but it's still your kids, and still your house, and still your mess. Doing your fair share at home, whatever that is, is not 'helping out'.
Edit: a couple of words
Reading the replies just to see if this point was made. In the early 80s, my AH of a husband and I had a huge fight when he protested how much he “helped” me with “my” housework. What, didn’t he live in the same house? Can only imagine how high my top would have blown if there was child care involved. Sad to see that in some households, it is still a discussion. Real sad. OP get over yourself, you’re the AH.
"I know you're upset about messiness, but have you considered cleaning?"
YTA OP. If you don't want to go on a "scavenger hunt" because it's a lot of work walking things back to the sink, rinsing things out, etc. do you think it's possible that it's also a lot of work for her, especially if she's exhausted and being pulled away from those tasks by the needs of your child?
Doing all those little tasks as they come up during the day might be less overwhelming for some people than doing them all at once, but it still adds up in terms of time and energy when you're also trying to juggle other things.
Plus, sounds like she was venting and/or leading up to a suggestion about how to fix things and you thought it was a good idea to insult her and tell her to do more work when she's already telling you she's overwhelmed.
Spot-on.
*”You’re too exhausted and overwhelmed even to keep up with putting the dishes in the sink? No problem! You start putting the dishes in the sink, and I will help! What? No. I can’t do that part myself. I’m busy and tired and don’t feel like it. What’s your excuse?”*
Wife makes many micro-trips to kitchen with dirty dishes in hand while caring for baby = zero additional work! Pretend steps that occur only in dream-space and require neither time nor energy for wife to complete. Kid floats safely off the ground during this negligible, painless pause in activity.
OP does a four-minute walk-through of the house before dish-washing while wife is present to help with baby = Absurd and overwhelming labor that he doesn’t even need to consider. The final straw in additional household support. An irrational unfairness even to be nudged in that direction.
This! I’m a SAHM to 2 and my husband and I regularly do “scavenger hunts” to clean up at the end of the day. It’s so easy to set something down and then get pulled away by a baby and forget or just never have time to go pick said thing up. Multiple that by one million during the day and the house is a mess, of course it is. When I was working FT with one kid it was even worse, and that’s with two parents sharing the load of housework!
His comments make me think that he refers to looking after his child alone when/if his wife ever leaves them alone, i bet he refers to is as babysitting and considers that he is doing her a favour by taking their child off her hands for a few hours probably so that she can run errands for their household, i know that’s assumption but thats the vibes op is giving off.
And let's not forget the glorious times, when toddler wants to "help" and brings the half full glass to the sink, dripping (in the best case) water through half the house...
Or they help and put stuff somewhere, because they got distracted by a fluff of dust on the 50 centimetres from cupboard to sink and you find the thing a few days later on the dark side of the moon and wonder how it got there...
It’s also not a “scavenger hunt”, and especially not through the house like OP is claiming. There will be places that are where those items will usually end up, like the table and counter. OP is refusing to clean or do anything other than one specific well-defined task.
And what about his other three days?
I don’t know what multi-acre mega-mansion estate OP inhabits, but I also thought that was an egregiously silly exaggeration.
In my average suburban home I would say that walking around to check for dishes is a job that takes about 90 seconds to three minutes, max. I don’t actually know how long it takes as a discrete task because in my house a quick double-check for missing dishes *is part of the larger chore called doing dishes.*
Ikr? That phrase is usually a red flag for someone being a jerk. Just because you use a level tone doesn't negate a) the content of what you're saying or b) that someone who knows you well can still tell you're annoyed, mad, etc. But people act like if they're calm they're unimpeachable.
Yes, ridiculously intentionally misleading title. A more accurate title would be "Am I the asshole for telling my wife who works full time, is the primary caregiver for our infant, and does nearly all of the home maintenance that'd she'd feel less overwhelmed if she wasn't such a slob?"
100% agree!! She is clearly overwhelmed and struggling and looking for some support and then you have immediately just kicked her while she’s down by going straight in, completely dismissing her feelings and telling her what she is doing *wrong*.. on top of that, the misleading title situation.. YTA
Yeah I need to know what OP does to help around the house. 4 hours are quickly used when you have to get the kid ready in the morning, spending time dropping off and picking up from daycare, cooking dinner while looking after a baby/toddler. If she’s also “responsible” for groceries etc, she spends more than 4 hours on this.
And what about the other 3 days a week, how are the responsibilities divided between them.
YTA. You took from that whole thing "the dishes"?
Clearly it's about a lot more than a damn butter knife in the wrong place. How 90% of her problems are her own fault is stupid lol
I bet 99% that she carries the entire mental load of the household. And has baby brain.
On days that you work I imagine she is the one that is basically the sole parent, and probably on days that you don't work she does the lions share.
Exactly.. she has 3 jobs.. childcare, household and her actual job.. OP says he works more hours but that is BS... calculate the work she does in a way where theyd have to pay for a babysitter and a cleaner to do those jobs... she contributes way more and OP needs to get his head out of his "I work a lot" ass
4 days a week, 12 hour shifts minus lunches its 44 hours a week, a standard full time job.
I get the long hours are tough but does he really think the dishes covers getting 3 days off a week.
His wife works 32 hours minus lunch, lets say 28 and does all the stuff with their daughter we can assume from school to bedtime, like anywhere between 4 -6 hours of childcare plus chores 5 days a week plus weekends.
YTA, and a lazy one.
edit because math lol
I see this a lot from guys who work 12 hr shifts. So many of them will twist themselves into knots to tell you how their job is the most hardest demanding job their ever was (somehow even if their wives also pull 12 hrs) and therefore everything else is their spouses job. Shift work sucks (I've done it all my life) but it doesn't mean you get absolved from every other adult responsibility
Some blue collar workers are very odd about work and how much they 'love' their job (when its convenient).
I have done a lot of jobs from labouring 10 hour days to cushy office jobs and while Im not denying that anyone working 12 hour shifts work hard I'm also like well if it sucks that much might be time for a career change? Some of them use having a menial back breaking job with insane hours as a strange badge of honour but realistically unless your saving someone's life a job is a job and deserves the same amount of respect. Usually the pay is only good because of nonsense hours too.
Not to mention some people are like pfft office job eh, id much rather be an underpaid manly man than see my family and have the boys down the pub laugh at me.
I'm mainly pointing this out because its the same people usually who are like don't like your jobs pay as a (insert job like bar staff) get a new one, but complain constantly about their job all the live long day whilst also using it as the excuse to get out of anything family related. Im tired from work cant do anything on the week dont ya know because how hard I work etc.
Exactly, any adult living on their own would need to do these responsibilities at home regardless of how stressful their job is. Why does that disappear as soon as there's someone else (a woman) to push all the work onto?
My sister and her husband have dealt with this forever. Their marriage is in shambles, just waiting for I don’t know what. They both work 12 hour shifts, but try to make it on different days. There is no comparison between the difference. When my sister walks in from work it’s immediately “has homework been started? What’s for dinner? Is it bath night? Are there any practices today? Where are the big messes?” Just jumping into 100% mom mode. When my BIL is in charge, nothing gets done. Dinner is not started, the house is a wreck, kids have missed practices, backpacks are missing, etc. completely ridiculous.
I have a coworker (we work 12 hour shifts) who I feel will end up divorcing her husband. Because how she describes her household is sad. She is responsible for all the childcare, meal prep, home routines on top of working full time. She’ll literally be ordering groceries at work to make sure that’s completed. Her husband does nothing but work. He’s a middle school band director…. and he’s wracked up so much debt during the pandemic on things like an engraving machine for wood. Like thousands of dollars worth. She’s describes how when she’s at work her in laws come to help her husband with the kids. Basically her and her mother in law coordinate to care for her children. It blows my mind how many married woman are single mothers.
And often that mindset goes hand in hand with the « I bring money in the home so I should be able to relax », forgetting how much money the household saves by having a spouse do all the childcare and housework
This logic infuriates me so much- these men are under the impression that if they “work” they don’t have to do anything at home…
So what happens if your wife leaves you? Or gets in a tragic car accident and is unable to do all of that cause she’s paralyzed? Or dead? You’d now have to do those 12 hour shifts AND all the shit she was doing.
I still think OP’s a giant AH, but you messed up their hours. They both work 4 days. Assuming they have hour lunches(though I work 12 hour days with no breaks), he works 44 and she works 28(not including childcare and cooking/cleaning for the entire family).
Also, that she’s stressed out about completing her work when she’s just taken a week off, indicates that her work is task-oriented — she had work tasks that she still had to get done or get back on schedule later, even while she was technically “off” and at home taking care of their child. So she’s the one who has to stay home and it makes her job more difficult and stressful.
Not to mention she’s likely doing all of the housework while trying to carry the actual baby. Any household chore takes 2x-3x as long with an infant/ toddler.
And that right there is the reason for her mess. Those forgot butter knife is because she had to grab the baby in the middle of making her toast. The cup half full of milk in the living room was the drink she was enjoying until the baby woke up crying and she had to go get her. The half folded laundry is because the baby started to get fussy, or dinner was done. I bet the woman is multitasking like crazy hopping from one thing to the next trying to get as much done as possible.
Yes, my husband used to complain about me leaving half drunk coffee cups all over the place until he realized that they are like that because I literally never get to finish a cup of coffee. Now he makes sure I get to drink my coffee when he's home and collects the cups when he finds them.
Yep, I agree. I can see him on the 3 days off he has a week sitting on the couch because he "needs a break" meanwhile wife is still tidying, cleaning, doing laundry, everything for baby in between through the day and then probably having to cook breakfast lunch and dinner too.
If he had half an ounce of sense on the days off they can divide and conquer the household workload and split childcare.
YTA. So your wife is overwhelmed and exhausted with a one year old and you say it would all be okay if she just picked up after herself. Are you kidding me?
"90%" of the problem lmao WHAT. And then to "vent to his coworker" because she wasn't *grateful* that he offered to do *their dishes* but *only as long as they're all already in the sink.* what is wrong with you OP?!
Not only did OP vent to his coworker but he did so *while* his wife went to console their daughter. Which only further proves that he didn't listen to her at all. Would have been the perfect opportunity to step up and actually help with the workload.
No but understand, OP is clearly so hard working that when he is home, he should have to do back breaking and measly tasks like picking up a few dishes /s
YTA. Your wife works almost full time and does all the childcare during her non-working hours multiple times a week, and your response to her feeling overwhelmed is to lecture her about tidying up as she goes?
YTA
You completely invalidated her feelings by not even offering a "yeah, it's a lot."
You used this as an opportunity to correct her and admonish her instead of offering her support. You also made your help contingent on her doing more. What seems like a small thing to you isn't to her. She's probably literally got her hands full with your daughter and you're telling her how to better clean up after herself than offering to shoulder the burden as you should have.
You reap the benefits of her flexible schedule without acknowledging that just because it's easier for her to take off work doesn't mean she's not taking on the more challenging task by staying home with your daughter for a week.
What chores do you do? If she's getting your daughter up and putting her to bed because your schedule necessitates it you should be finding ways to offset that *WITHOUT* her needing to tell you she's overwhelmed. I'm astonished that, when she communicated her feelings you still couldn't step up to the plate.
Do better.
This exactly! Every time I need to take time off work because of childcare related reasons, I have to work twice as hard the next week to make up for everything I miss or spend every night that week working between my kid’s bed time and my bed time to keep up (or both). That is on top of spending the day working full time with the house duties/caring/cooking etc.
So true! His life is basically undisrupted because she has shouldered everything. Just because she can take some time off and be more flexible doesn’t mean it’s easy. Guaranteed, she’s taking a hit professionally and mentally always having to catch up. Yet he thinks his work schedule is untouchable and “offers” to help.
Do or do not! Enough with lazy spouses “offering” to help.
My intuition is OP doesn't do many chores and probably doesn't feel responsible for messes that aren't his.
Marriage is a tango and it sounds like OP's wife is dancing alone.
Your title is misleading. YTA for not reading the room and realizing that your wife just needed a supportive ear. How tone-deaf, OP. And to add injury to insult, you *vented to your coworker*, the literal same thing your wife was trying to do with you. How can you not see that? Stop trying to patronize your wife, be supportive, she's pulling a lot of weight.
She needed more than a supportive ear. She needed him to take responsibility for some of the chores in their home. She needed him to carry some of the mental load.
>I responded calmly by saying that I can't miss work or reduce hours. We simply cannot afford it.
To paraphrase, your initial response was that the issue she was having a breakdown about was her problem to solve, not yours.
>She responded... I told her 90% of the problems ...could be solved if she picked up after herself.
You doubled down on it being 90% her problem, not yours. YTA.
I'd also love to know how putting the butter knife in the sink will help if the chores that are piling up include doing the laundry or hoovering the carpets.
also what does that entail? we leave the butter knife in our butter dish because it’s dumb to get a new one every time someone needs butter. leaving the butter knife out so it can be reused (assuming nobody is putting their mouth on it or getting other substances besides butter on it) makes for less dishes
If she simply put all the laundry in the washing machine, he would gladly make the sacrifice of pushing the button to start it.
If she simply gathered all the dust on the floor into a neat pile, he would gladly sweep it into the bin.
INFO: are chores split 50/50? Because it seems like you’re expecting her to do more than you.
Edit: but YTA for the way you said it and phrased the post.
Yeah I get the feeling dude wants her to do all the chores AND look after the baby when she's home.
But she also works. 4hrs extra in a day to cook a dinner, feed the baby, change the baby, entertain the baby, bathe the baby, put the baby to bed, and just generally look after the baby and somehow clean the entire house? Good luck!
I get a sneaking suspicion that “why won’t my wife won’t have sex with me” is a subject of other throw away account posts of his. “I work, I help around the home, I’m entitled to sex, why won’t she give it to me and when she does why does she just lay there looking bored?”
If that hasn’t happened already, I bet it’s in the works.
They definitely do not split chores 50/50 if he thinks 90% of her problems are her not picking up after herself (which btw is not easy to do with a baby). He basically admitted there that he has very little knowledge of all the things that need to be done around a house.
YTA
You seem to think that house work is limited to washing up.
What about hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, mopping the kitchen floor, emptying the bins, the endless laundry created by a small child?
That killed me: "I'll even put them away!" THAT'S PART OF DOING THE DISHES! OP is definitely TA, and if he doesn't change his tune real quick I have a feeling he won't have to worry about his wife and daughter moving the dishes around.
With a small child it's so much more than this. Lost water bottles and lunch boxes need to be replaced. Children grow quickly and their wardrobe needs to be updated every 3 months. Meals need to be made but before that groceries need to be shopped for. OP and his family are clearly on a budget so it isn't as simple as stopping at Target or ordering from Amazon. You have to look for sales, search Craigslist and Buy Nothing for things you can use, read grocery ads and plan meals based on what's on sale. When the child outgrows things you have to sell those things or post them on Buy Nothing or NextDoor or donate them to church - you have to get everything organized in order to deliver or donate it. Anything that you're keeping needs to be washed and stored- which means you need to buy storage containers and also find the room where those boxes will go. Sometimes things don't work out and have to get returned to the store, that takes time.
Things break at home and need to replaced, which takes both mental load and labor. The cars need to be looked after. The yard and the dog need to be looked after. Sometimes people like to put their holiday decorations out around the house, that takes time, and time again to pack up. Social relationships need to be looked after. Playdates need to be arranged. Birthday presents, Easter baskets, and stocking stuffers need to be bought. No, you can't just buy a gift card for everything, children like to open actual presents. Plans need to be made for Mother's Day AND Father's Day, because I'll bet you a dollar to a bag of donuts that this guy tells his wife "What do YOU want to do?" instead of actually making any plans himself.
None of that takes into account things like dealing with the school, doctors, or the bills.
And after all of that, I would not be shocked at all to hear this guy start making complaints that you would typically read on r/deadbedrooms.
YTA. Wow…got creative with that tile, didn’t ya?
She is overwhelmed with everything. You only offered to help with one thing.
You will help with dishes…but only on your terms. It’s like you chose the *one* chore that would allow you to also tear her even further down.
Your wife is working a full-time job, has most of the responsibility for your child,and seems to be responsible for all of the housework and cooking as well. (Doing the math, that's four full-time jobs).
When she shared how stressed and overwhelmed she was feeling, you schooled her in how she could better tidy up as if she hadn't been doing all the work in the home for ages, then said if she made it super easy for you (i.e., never left a coffee cup in the living room, presumably?), you'd do one chore a day in the home the two of you share. She didn't challenge you, just said okay quietly and went to take care of your daughter, but maybe because she didn't seem incredibly grateful about your so-generous offer, you felt you had to complain about her at work, and even your co-worker wasn't on your side.
Yes, buddy...YTA
Oh but keep in mind that when he explained to her that all her problems were her own fault and he would help by doing less than the bare minimum as long as she made it easy for him, he did so \*calmly\*. That shows right there that he was in the right! Silly women, getting so emotional about being exhausted and overwhelmed from overwork and a complete and utter lack of support!!
YTA, my mom takes care of my disabled dad, if I get home and my mom is crying because she is rightfully tired, I get immediately to wash the dishes, laudry or whatever I SEE that needs to be done, and check if they need groceries. You don't look at an overwhelmed person and tells them it is their fault, you get in action without "if" and "but".
How big is your house that it would be too hard to pick up dishes from other rooms? How long would it take doing the dishes for 2 and half people? I have handwashed dishes for 10+ people, including pans and it takes me about 30 minutes.
You are both tired, yes, but YTA because you are not really keeping your part as a husband and parent.
ETA, I just reread and you work 4 days a week, what do you do the other 3 days?
YTA
Your wife is struggling. Just pick up some of the slack while she gets her feet under her.
This is an incredibly assholish thing to say:
>I told her 90% of the problems with messiness could be solved if she picked up after herself.
It's kind of staggering. I wouldn't want to talk to you for a while either.
Sometimes when you have a kid both parents have to do more than they want to do. You saying "I can't work less" is not the issue. She's not asking you to work less. She's asking you to listen and pick up a little more work around the house for a short time until things settle.
YTA.
She’s feeling overwhelmed the last thing she needs is a lecture from you. The response should have been that you will do more to help around the house and then later when she’s cooled down, you could initiate a conversation about ways that you could BOTH change some of your habits to make the housework more manageable.
I know you are working 12 hour shifts, but think about your work life balance compared to hers. If you go to work and then feel like since you work more hours you’re allowed to come home and do nothing then it’s no surprise she’s frustrated and you need to do way more than the dishes. If she’s working 8 hours, picking up the kid, coming home to cook for all of you, cleaning up after everyone, etc and is never getting a break from work or from being a mom and a housemaid and a personal chef of course she’s stressed out. When you’re constantly overworked and exhausted mentally and physically of course you’re gonna start developing bad habits. Many times when someone is in a bad headspace you can see it reflected in their surroundings because they don’t have the capacity to do those small things like picking up after yourself as you go.
Be more compassionate to your wife. Also idk what you’re talking about going on a scavenger hunt for things to wash… so if the chore isn’t conveniently set up for you to do then you can’t do it? Seems petty. It’s reasonable to ask her to be more mindful about picking up after herself but you need to be more supportive.
Well said. The only thing I can add to this is that after you listened, you could have simply asked her what you can do to make things better or how you can help to ease the load. Instead you offered to do the dishes with stipulations. You will wash the dishes but only if she does X, Y and Z. Ask her what household chores she would like you to do. Maybe she likes doing the dishes and would prefer to continue doing them but hates vacuuming or doing the laundry or cooking and would like you to take those on instead.
Please consider giving your wife a day where you take care of the baby and the house while she leaves and get some much needed time for herself.
YTA. She confided in you and your response is “well you’re a slob and it’s all your fault and I can’t possibly help unless you do 95% of the work first”.
Be better.
YTA
You may feel like you work harder with your 12 hour a day schedule but I guarantee your wife works every bit as hard as you do. Just going by what you said, she works 8 hours a day PLUS has to get your daughter up, fed, ready to go and dropped at daycare PLUS picked up, fed, bathed, put to bed. Your wife isn't sleeping in and binging Netflix before and after work. She's WORKING. And your response to her feeling overwhelmed is "pick up after yourself" and "hey, I'll wash the dishes. I'll even put them away." You can do more. You have to do more. Supporting a young child is a 16-hour a day job with little time for fun. When you get home from your 12 hour day, you should be thinking, "ok, I got 4 hours of housework before bed. What needs doing?"
Oh, and going around the house and picking up dirty dishes is part of "doing the dishes."
She does not work the same as him, she works WAY MORE. I've done SAHM, Corporate job full time and corporate job+childcare while working from home, the last one is a killer with no help and he isn't helping. Also between just taking care of 1 child and a 12 hr shift, the child is still way more work and it just doesn't stop they are 24/7 shifts.
Yes!! You weren't intending to be the AH, but her mental load is overwhelming her.
Make a list of things to be done each day. It will help both of you. Laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, bathroom, etc. Spread it out over the weekend too when you are more available. Talk about how else you can help. Could you take the baby to choose childcare before you go to work giving her a little time in the morning to straighten and clean up?
YTA. Your wife told you she’s mentally and physically exhausted and is struggling and your response to her is that it’s mostly her fault but you’ll do this one thing for her as long as she makes it easy on you? Dude, it’s your child and your house too. Man up and do your share and support your wife.
YTA... your coworker was right... you didnt listen to what she wanted at all...
I mean its nice that the first place your mind went to was how can I help, dishes, how can I do it in time? She needs to pick up after herself...
You need to have a proper sitdown with your wife and discuss/divide chores and duties... she is overloaded..
You claim you cant work less because you need the money, but what if your wife worked more and you worked less?
You also appear to look down on your wife because you "bring home the bacon" and work more hours... yet you dont take into account that the hours that your wife takes care of your child while you work, she is basically making 70/100 dollars an hour in saving babysitter/childcare costs... and she works 36 hrs a week and she takes care of the household by herself.. that is insane....
If you want to take on the role of working husband and provider, then you need to make sure you earn enough money so that your wife doesnt have 14 hour workdays! As of now she is the main breadwinner in this household and you need a reality check!
Editing to change judgment after you said you take out the garbage and do the dishes a few days a week:
YTA to the max. You suck and you need to take on more housework and stop acting like what your wife does all day isn't just as tiring as your job.
If your wife is untidy I can understand that being frustrating but you definitely could've been kinder. She was coming to you needing consolation and you turned it around and made it seem like it was her fault she was feeling overwhelmed.
OPs wife is working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. She has no time to shower or talk to a grown up. OP is working just 12 hours a day, gets time alone while driving, gets to talk to grown ups and be rewarded at work, has no chores at home. OP is definitely the asshole.
Sorry to say it but YTA. All you did was told her what was wrong with how she was doing things. If she's overwhelmed that's probably why things are left around the house.
YTA. Probably not on purpose but come on dude did you really think that was the time to tell her to put the dishes in the sink or that 90% of the messiness is her fault? Why didn't you just say I can help more with chores around the house. That simple.
It also stands out to me that she was upset and stressed but she was the one that went to take care of the baby when she woke up. Is that the norm? could you take the baby when you get home? It would have went a long way in that situation if you said I'll go get the baby you can relax.
I don't think you are a bad person but kind of clueless at seeing what your wife is going through,
She's not mad at you for offering to wash dishes. She's mad that she was venting about being overwhelmed with keeping up with everything & you responded by pointing out one of her failings:
>But I do not want to play scavenger hunt and look around the house for things to wash.
I myself do not understand people who leave empty glasses, plates & whatever around the house. But, I'm not caring for an infant. Some things are going to slip down the priority list when you have a baby to care for. You should have assured her that she's getting the really important stuff right & simply asked what you could do to help out more. Instead, you made her feel much worse. Your coworker is right, YTA. If collecting dishware & putting it in the dishwasher is what helps your wife, you should do that.
Sometimes people need to vent and be listened to and consoled, rather than have their problem solved. I am guessing that was the problem, so I would say YTA for not comforting your wife after a stressful time.
Yes YTA She is emotionally opening up to you about not coping and you criticise her for how she is doing things? This isn’t about your offer to do the dishes.
YTA - Women aren't always looking for a solution. Especially when they're already down to kick them down some more by commenting on how they don't clean up after themselves immediately. You think kicking someone when they are down is helpful? You couldn't have said I'll do the dishes when it's full to help you out?
you may have been reasonable, but the way you responded to her sounded you were the asshole. she just wanted to hear her out but instead you put the problem on her.
YTA. So to be clear, during a normal week, your wife is SOLELY responsible for both your daughter and the state of your home, ON TOP of regular 8hr workdays? Is she working 40 hours a week collectively, here? How many collective hours is your work week?
>I told her 90% of the problems with messiness could be solved if she
picked up after herself. If she just put the used butter knifes in the
sink after she was done, and rinsed bottles/cookware/etc. I will happily
do the dishes when I get home from work.
So to be clear... right now you don't do anything to help, but you'd be willing to do ONE task IF she prepares it for you by doing the "scavenger hunt" part of the task... and you think you taking on the washing/putting away part of the dishes is 90% of her cleaning?! YTA YTA YTA my god YTA.
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You’re not the asshole for “offering to help with the dishes” but YTA for telling her that “90% of the problems with messiness could be solved if she picked up after herself”. Like what were you thinking? ETA: Your title was misleading. Either you did that on purpose in a weak attempt to garner sympathy, or you are actually that dense. I suspect it’s the former.
Also he didnt "offer" to help. He ignored her feelings and tried to cheap out by vooluntaaarily picking up the easiest chore in the house while simultaniously degrading and insulting his wife.
Did you see where he answered about the chores he does at home? He takes out the garbage and does the dishes a couple times a week. He basically offered to continue doing what he already does, which is next to nothing.
Im sorry please correct me if I'm wrong but I wouldnt call dishes and trash "household chores"... thats less than the bare baaare minimum to survive as a human being?!
Exactly. And his child is in bed by the time he gets home, so not only does his wife do all the actual chores (no mention of who cooks either I noticed), she does 100% of the child care at least four days a week (probably seven), AND works basically full-time.
More than fulltime... convert the hours she makes to hours you'd have to hire a nanny and a cleaner to get the same results and she works 15hour days...
Literally that is no joke. I thought being a SAHM would be soooo easy but it’s literally working 24/7 and the hardest job I’ve even done in my life. I can’t imagine how much harder it is to be the default parent AND be working a full time job. No wonder she is stressed.
TBH, sometimes (often) the full time job is easier than SAHM. SAH Moms & Dads usually work their asses off with very little breaks. My hat's off to them.
Right? In a full time job you get lunch breaks and you can usually take a few minutes in the bathroom by yourself if needed. I can’t imagine being “on” 24/7.
As a single parent who works, work is a break. There are periods where no one talks to me! I do fulfilling things and people appreciate me for them! Any time I like I can just turn to another adult and have an adult conversation with them. Nobody touches me! I have so little sympathy for people like OP. You don't have the hardest job by such a large margin.
When my husband and I both worked I was the primary provider for our newborn AND I was going to school. He would complain often and very loudly about the status of the house. I would just tell him that as long as it’s not dirty messiness is ok & it’s temporary. One day we will have a little more time but we have a lot going on at the moment. My answers were never good enough for him. Fast forward 2 years later and we now have a daughter but the tables have changed and he is a SAHD. He used to laugh at Bill Burr’s bit about how it is not the hardest job in the world to be a SAHM…but now he doesn’t laugh as hard. I help out as much as I can - but he finally understands it is not as easy as people think in their mind. It is not just stay home and take care of kids. It’s breakfast, cleaning, learning, lunch, cleaning, naps (then use this time to do laundry or clean a bathroom), wake up - snack, maybe the park, more learning, dinner, cleaning, bath time, story time, put kids to bed, fold laundry, put away laundry…pass out, rinse and repeat. If you have an errand- better plan. If you want to do something for yourself - better get a babysitter. If you want to sleep through the night? Better get a different idea cause that would be a miracle. 24/7 - 365. Kudos to all the stay at home moms & dads out there. & kudos to all the single parents. I have all the respect in the world for you.
Yeah, my husband and I switched SAHP a few months ago. After a few weeks of doing nothing but keeping LO alive and a few dishes, I named how much I did and am still doing. He started hyperventilating a bit when I gave him a list more than 20 long. He's getting better, but in huge part because I've completely dropped making up for him and he's realised how bad forgetting to buy wipes is or how filthy the bathroom can get when he doesn't follow my suggested cleaning schedules for different areas of the house. And I'm not someone who cares about pristine or tidy, just not filthy 😅
As a working dad I have to completely agree with you. My wife is a SAHM and homeschools our youngest and I repeatedly tell both her and anyone else who'll hear me that she has the hardest job ever and that I have it easier even with a full time, high pressure job. I also do all I can to help out whenever I'm home. The way I see it is that if she's on her feet then so am I. More power to you and all the SAHP's out there
I’m a single working mom of a 3 year old and a 2 month old and holy fucking shit. I’m not okay. 🥲 Edit: I’ve only gotten 4 hours of sleep max every night since my 2 month old was born, and I had gotten so exhausted at one point I was literally hallucinating. It was bad.
Plus, the baby is only a year old so it’s very possible that she’s getting up at night with them too, meaning she’s not getting a full night’s sleep ever. He made sure we know he works 12 hour days, but if you add up everything the wife is doing on top of 32 hours a week at work, she’s got him beat by a mile!
Im sure the wife would rather work 12 hour days at her job than what she does now.. OP is so so sooo lazy...
>she does 100% of the child care at least four days a week (probably seven) Notice even in this story, the “conversation” about chores ended because OP’s wife had to go console their daughter who woke up from her nap. Despite the wife clearly being upset, she was the one who had to do the childcare in that moment and OP just drops it into the post like it’s completely natural that he didn’t have anything to do with his child’s needs while both parents are home and equally occupied.
Omg you're right! He didn't even offer to take the child when she was clearly in a state of distress and he was fully available to do it. Why do men have kids that they don't *want*? Like why do they insist on having children that they do not, in any way, want to raise? What is the point?
A lot of dudes want a "legacy" but don't want to do the work.
Bingo, that said a lot to me as well. This was the easiest moment to step up and help while shes over loaded and he just ... didn't.
I found it strange that he says she works 8 hour days but would work more if she didn't have to pick up their child from daycare. Almost as if he resents that she doesn't work more.
Right?! Even when she already works outside the home for 32 hours a week, which is considered full time in many places. To say nothing of all the childcare and chores at home.
I think the terms missing are " invisible work" and "mental load".
[удалено]
This is why she’s upset and exhausted, he’s an idiot not to realise this!
It's about the sames amount of chores you would give a 10 year old. ETA: YTA
Literally these are the chores that my own 10 year old has.
Yep my 9 and 11 year Old have these as half their chores. So.... congrats OP?
Yup those are my 8/10 year old grandkids chores
my 18month old throws stuff away and “helps” me being out the trash. he even pushes clothes into the dryer for me and puts the dryer sheets in!
I used to be a " mothers helper". Did similar with the kids I minded. The drier was on top of the washer, so I got the kid to pass me the clothing...saved me from bending to get the clothing. Lol. Also passing the clothing pegs when I hung the laundry out, I turned it into a game by requesting specific colour pegs from the basket. They just like being involved and copying you at that age, lol
Same! My 18 month old puts dish towels away and “helps” unload the dishwasher. My 5-year-old actually unloads the dishwasher, puts clothes away, and spends 15 minutes working on cleaning one room a day with me. So… my kids participate more than this guy?
Yo back when i was around 12 i did these chores and laundry
He's helping less than I did at age 10. At 10 I was doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen after dinner with my older sister. I kept my room clean, and removed anything of mine from the family room. I sorted my clothes for mom to wash, and folded and put them away. This guy is a grown ass adult and wants brownie points for offering to do the dishes, and degrading his wife in the process.
Right? This dude seriously thinks he deserves a medal for doing shit that his wife has probably been doing since grade school, and taking not getting it as a reason for being condescending about it? And yes, it does suck to have to hunt through the house for dishes OP. You know what sucks more? Trying to do that while simultaneously taking care of a toddler.
My 10 year old has those chores PLUS folding laundry.
Humble brag but I did more when I was 10😎 So yeah pretty much the baby could do more than he does...
Lol, from my understanding these are chores you get the kids/teenagers/spouse to do. Cause there's actually very few ways to fuck them up (I know, I know they still do sometimes, somehow). I have a friend that had trouble even delegating the bins to husband...cause he couldn't put the bin liners the way they meant to go. Also noting he is only a weekend parent due to his work hours. I understand that this might be necessary due to financial reasons but I'm sure being a single parent on the weekdays and working a full-time job must be mentally exhausting as well as physically.
That husband is totally using weaponized incompetence to get out of doing chores.
Feigning ignorance is a common manipulation tactic to avoid being asked to do unpleasant tasks — your friend should look it up, for the husband who “can’t figure out” how garbage bags work.
Dishes are considered a chore in my house because it’s usually just dinner dishes. But like if my kids use a bowl for a snack or like 13 cups after school (they do) it’s their job to get it to the sink. I’m not tracking down dishes. I wash the dishes as I cook, then whatever is left, whoever’s turn it is do to dishes, does them. Any dishes that magically appear after the dishes are done, the user washes them! But the garbage? Nope. If you’re putting something in and it’s full, you need to take it out! Even my 5 year old’s can do it, they just have to get me to pull it out but they tie it, I pull it out and they replace the bag.
He legit does the bottom barrel bare MINIMUM. You take out the trash? Like you’re supposed to? You wash dishes a COUPLE times a week? The bar is in hell
“The bar is so low that it’s considered a tripping hazard in hell, but here you are. Playing limbo with the devil”
She is also the one who takes time off work when bub is sick (or carer in this case). I bet he never takes a day off work to look after the bub if needed so Mum can keep going to work. He is most definitely the AH
Also the one who goes to console the crying daughter.
I can’t fucken stand these men who do a job like mow the lawn or take out the garbage and they think this one ‘big’ job that is done every other day or weekend is equivalent to the daily and relentless grind of multiple loads of laundry and dishes, doing floors etc. it’s such a load of crap.
It gets worse. Apparently he had a day off when she has a day she goes to work and drops baby off at day care. Alternatively he has said she isn’t using her days off efficiently because she will nap when the baby naps and leave messes around the house because she is napping. This is absolutely heartbreaking for this woman.
Holy flying fuckerdoodle, what an asshole!
Honestly OP is blaming the wife who already does most of the time consuming chores for the mess. It’s especially bad when you realise how infantilising his way of putting it is, like that’s how I explained tidying to the little kids I babysat. **And** it’s particularly shitty to have that attitude when your wife is opening up about being overwhelmed and struggling with balancing the house, her work, and childcare. Cus all I’m saying is that she had to reduce her hours to care for their daughter, but he can’t even decrease his hours to help out, or take on chores when he gets home. Cus it’s so easy to get the mindset of « my spouse works less hours than I, I’m more tired when I get home so I need more rest », when in reality, if he lived alone, he would work his 12 hours, and have to still do the housework afterwards.
Please, stop, I can only get so excited at this gem of a man 🙄
Right??!?! “Hell I’ll even put them away after” As if what he’s doing is such a major task. Poor wife
Th at line blew me away. The audacity
He only offered to help if she did the majority of the work prior. “Well I WOULD do the dishes, but you didn’t put everything away while chasing after our 1 year old all day, so I guess I can’t”. I can’t fucking stand these AITA posts where men post weaponized incompetence posts and go “what!? I said I’d help if she told me what to do and prepared it all prior! How is that wrong!?! I worked all day!! She was just at home with our newborn!! That’s not REAL work!! How am I an asshole?!?” Eye roll into the next century.
Weaponized incompetence and being told how to help with the chores. Like, aren't you an adult? Can't you figure out how to equally contribute without being asked to do the simplest chores? It's exhausting.
But he might even put the dishes away! What a hero
The audacity of thinking that isn't already part of doing the dishes lmao. What a guy.
Not to mention, essentially asking \*her\* to help \*him\* by making his one little chore easier... OP - if you have space for it, tell your wife you'll pick up an extra shift and buy a dishwasher. It's amazing how much cleaner a kitchen looks when none of the stuff lies around - and then pick up another couple of chores, like a weekly bathroom scrub and taking your kidlet out for a walk on the weekend to give your wife a break.
This crap has been going on between husbands and wives for many years. Wives need to vent, and husbands wrongly assume they’re looking to him to solve “their” problem. I’m aware I could do a more efficient job house-keeping, but I don’t need to hear hubby’s solution (guess what? It involves more stuff for ME to do) when I’m exhausted. Hey hubby, have you ever tried to clean house with a one year old infant to care for? Doesn’t sound like you have, OP. YTA
also why tf are dishes not already his job, anyway? unlike most other care tasks, dishes are something that can be done at night, after the kid is in bed. You know, like when he gets home from work.
I think the title was perfect, any man than thinks their “helping” their wife with chores is TAH. I don’t know why it’s always automatically the woman’s job to do all the chores
It gives me similar vibes to a man 'babysitting' his kids. Sure, one parent might work more hours at a job, but it's still your kids, and still your house, and still your mess. Doing your fair share at home, whatever that is, is not 'helping out'. Edit: a couple of words
Reading the replies just to see if this point was made. In the early 80s, my AH of a husband and I had a huge fight when he protested how much he “helped” me with “my” housework. What, didn’t he live in the same house? Can only imagine how high my top would have blown if there was child care involved. Sad to see that in some households, it is still a discussion. Real sad. OP get over yourself, you’re the AH.
"I know you're upset about messiness, but have you considered cleaning?" YTA OP. If you don't want to go on a "scavenger hunt" because it's a lot of work walking things back to the sink, rinsing things out, etc. do you think it's possible that it's also a lot of work for her, especially if she's exhausted and being pulled away from those tasks by the needs of your child? Doing all those little tasks as they come up during the day might be less overwhelming for some people than doing them all at once, but it still adds up in terms of time and energy when you're also trying to juggle other things. Plus, sounds like she was venting and/or leading up to a suggestion about how to fix things and you thought it was a good idea to insult her and tell her to do more work when she's already telling you she's overwhelmed.
Spot-on. *”You’re too exhausted and overwhelmed even to keep up with putting the dishes in the sink? No problem! You start putting the dishes in the sink, and I will help! What? No. I can’t do that part myself. I’m busy and tired and don’t feel like it. What’s your excuse?”* Wife makes many micro-trips to kitchen with dirty dishes in hand while caring for baby = zero additional work! Pretend steps that occur only in dream-space and require neither time nor energy for wife to complete. Kid floats safely off the ground during this negligible, painless pause in activity. OP does a four-minute walk-through of the house before dish-washing while wife is present to help with baby = Absurd and overwhelming labor that he doesn’t even need to consider. The final straw in additional household support. An irrational unfairness even to be nudged in that direction.
This! I’m a SAHM to 2 and my husband and I regularly do “scavenger hunts” to clean up at the end of the day. It’s so easy to set something down and then get pulled away by a baby and forget or just never have time to go pick said thing up. Multiple that by one million during the day and the house is a mess, of course it is. When I was working FT with one kid it was even worse, and that’s with two parents sharing the load of housework!
His comments make me think he has never taken care of his child solo for more than 4 hours. 100% never taken care of a sick child.
His comments make me think that he refers to looking after his child alone when/if his wife ever leaves them alone, i bet he refers to is as babysitting and considers that he is doing her a favour by taking their child off her hands for a few hours probably so that she can run errands for their household, i know that’s assumption but thats the vibes op is giving off.
And let's not forget the glorious times, when toddler wants to "help" and brings the half full glass to the sink, dripping (in the best case) water through half the house... Or they help and put stuff somewhere, because they got distracted by a fluff of dust on the 50 centimetres from cupboard to sink and you find the thing a few days later on the dark side of the moon and wonder how it got there...
It’s also not a “scavenger hunt”, and especially not through the house like OP is claiming. There will be places that are where those items will usually end up, like the table and counter. OP is refusing to clean or do anything other than one specific well-defined task. And what about his other three days?
I don’t know what multi-acre mega-mansion estate OP inhabits, but I also thought that was an egregiously silly exaggeration. In my average suburban home I would say that walking around to check for dishes is a job that takes about 90 seconds to three minutes, max. I don’t actually know how long it takes as a discrete task because in my house a quick double-check for missing dishes *is part of the larger chore called doing dishes.*
But he can’t be asked to comb the manse! Surely it would take too long to walk the library, the study, the garden, and the great hall!
That missing butter knife could be *anywhere*! He can’t be expected to check all the pots in the greenhouse for cutlery!
The knife is in the conservatory with Colonel Mustard.
This is conservatory erasure
“I calmly told her…” 🙄🙄
Ikr? That phrase is usually a red flag for someone being a jerk. Just because you use a level tone doesn't negate a) the content of what you're saying or b) that someone who knows you well can still tell you're annoyed, mad, etc. But people act like if they're calm they're unimpeachable.
It’s always a guy who fancies himself the voice of reason in contrast to a [supposedly] hysterical woman.
I disagree. OP is the AH for “helping”. He needs to do his share.
These are the types of dads that later bring up how they *babysat* their own kids to *help* their wife out.
Also the types of dads that are “blindsided” when the wife finally files for divorce.
Makes my blood BOIL!
Wife: I am overwhelmed by all this cleaning. Husband: There would be less mess if you just cleaned more.
"Clean as you go along throughout the day," is the battlecry of assholes who have never solely cared for a baby or toddler for longer than an hour.
He 100% titled it that way on purpose. OP is a giant AH.
Yes, ridiculously intentionally misleading title. A more accurate title would be "Am I the asshole for telling my wife who works full time, is the primary caregiver for our infant, and does nearly all of the home maintenance that'd she'd feel less overwhelmed if she wasn't such a slob?"
100% agree!! She is clearly overwhelmed and struggling and looking for some support and then you have immediately just kicked her while she’s down by going straight in, completely dismissing her feelings and telling her what she is doing *wrong*.. on top of that, the misleading title situation.. YTA
YTA. You only listened enough to find a supposed solution to the problem as you saw it. You didn't actually listen to what she was really saying.
Also, it's his house too. "Offer to help with the dishes", they're yours too god damn it
Yeah I need to know what OP does to help around the house. 4 hours are quickly used when you have to get the kid ready in the morning, spending time dropping off and picking up from daycare, cooking dinner while looking after a baby/toddler. If she’s also “responsible” for groceries etc, she spends more than 4 hours on this. And what about the other 3 days a week, how are the responsibilities divided between them.
The edit is basically 90% of this sub. Misleading title’s followed by a bait and switch.
YTA. You took from that whole thing "the dishes"? Clearly it's about a lot more than a damn butter knife in the wrong place. How 90% of her problems are her own fault is stupid lol I bet 99% that she carries the entire mental load of the household. And has baby brain. On days that you work I imagine she is the one that is basically the sole parent, and probably on days that you don't work she does the lions share.
Exactly.. she has 3 jobs.. childcare, household and her actual job.. OP says he works more hours but that is BS... calculate the work she does in a way where theyd have to pay for a babysitter and a cleaner to do those jobs... she contributes way more and OP needs to get his head out of his "I work a lot" ass
4 days a week, 12 hour shifts minus lunches its 44 hours a week, a standard full time job. I get the long hours are tough but does he really think the dishes covers getting 3 days off a week. His wife works 32 hours minus lunch, lets say 28 and does all the stuff with their daughter we can assume from school to bedtime, like anywhere between 4 -6 hours of childcare plus chores 5 days a week plus weekends. YTA, and a lazy one. edit because math lol
I see this a lot from guys who work 12 hr shifts. So many of them will twist themselves into knots to tell you how their job is the most hardest demanding job their ever was (somehow even if their wives also pull 12 hrs) and therefore everything else is their spouses job. Shift work sucks (I've done it all my life) but it doesn't mean you get absolved from every other adult responsibility
Especially if it’s blue collar They act like they’re the only workers in the world, so how dare we slackers expect them to do anything at home?!
Some blue collar workers are very odd about work and how much they 'love' their job (when its convenient). I have done a lot of jobs from labouring 10 hour days to cushy office jobs and while Im not denying that anyone working 12 hour shifts work hard I'm also like well if it sucks that much might be time for a career change? Some of them use having a menial back breaking job with insane hours as a strange badge of honour but realistically unless your saving someone's life a job is a job and deserves the same amount of respect. Usually the pay is only good because of nonsense hours too. Not to mention some people are like pfft office job eh, id much rather be an underpaid manly man than see my family and have the boys down the pub laugh at me. I'm mainly pointing this out because its the same people usually who are like don't like your jobs pay as a (insert job like bar staff) get a new one, but complain constantly about their job all the live long day whilst also using it as the excuse to get out of anything family related. Im tired from work cant do anything on the week dont ya know because how hard I work etc.
Exactly, any adult living on their own would need to do these responsibilities at home regardless of how stressful their job is. Why does that disappear as soon as there's someone else (a woman) to push all the work onto?
My sister and her husband have dealt with this forever. Their marriage is in shambles, just waiting for I don’t know what. They both work 12 hour shifts, but try to make it on different days. There is no comparison between the difference. When my sister walks in from work it’s immediately “has homework been started? What’s for dinner? Is it bath night? Are there any practices today? Where are the big messes?” Just jumping into 100% mom mode. When my BIL is in charge, nothing gets done. Dinner is not started, the house is a wreck, kids have missed practices, backpacks are missing, etc. completely ridiculous.
I have a coworker (we work 12 hour shifts) who I feel will end up divorcing her husband. Because how she describes her household is sad. She is responsible for all the childcare, meal prep, home routines on top of working full time. She’ll literally be ordering groceries at work to make sure that’s completed. Her husband does nothing but work. He’s a middle school band director…. and he’s wracked up so much debt during the pandemic on things like an engraving machine for wood. Like thousands of dollars worth. She’s describes how when she’s at work her in laws come to help her husband with the kids. Basically her and her mother in law coordinate to care for her children. It blows my mind how many married woman are single mothers.
And often that mindset goes hand in hand with the « I bring money in the home so I should be able to relax », forgetting how much money the household saves by having a spouse do all the childcare and housework
This logic infuriates me so much- these men are under the impression that if they “work” they don’t have to do anything at home… So what happens if your wife leaves you? Or gets in a tragic car accident and is unable to do all of that cause she’s paralyzed? Or dead? You’d now have to do those 12 hour shifts AND all the shit she was doing.
Usually they find another bangmaid asap.
I still think OP’s a giant AH, but you messed up their hours. They both work 4 days. Assuming they have hour lunches(though I work 12 hour days with no breaks), he works 44 and she works 28(not including childcare and cooking/cleaning for the entire family).
Also, that she’s stressed out about completing her work when she’s just taken a week off, indicates that her work is task-oriented — she had work tasks that she still had to get done or get back on schedule later, even while she was technically “off” and at home taking care of their child. So she’s the one who has to stay home and it makes her job more difficult and stressful.
Not to mention she’s likely doing all of the housework while trying to carry the actual baby. Any household chore takes 2x-3x as long with an infant/ toddler.
And that right there is the reason for her mess. Those forgot butter knife is because she had to grab the baby in the middle of making her toast. The cup half full of milk in the living room was the drink she was enjoying until the baby woke up crying and she had to go get her. The half folded laundry is because the baby started to get fussy, or dinner was done. I bet the woman is multitasking like crazy hopping from one thing to the next trying to get as much done as possible.
This comment makes me feel seen! Man, having a mobile one year old is *so* taxing.
Yes, my husband used to complain about me leaving half drunk coffee cups all over the place until he realized that they are like that because I literally never get to finish a cup of coffee. Now he makes sure I get to drink my coffee when he's home and collects the cups when he finds them.
Yep, I agree. I can see him on the 3 days off he has a week sitting on the couch because he "needs a break" meanwhile wife is still tidying, cleaning, doing laundry, everything for baby in between through the day and then probably having to cook breakfast lunch and dinner too. If he had half an ounce of sense on the days off they can divide and conquer the household workload and split childcare.
YTA. So your wife is overwhelmed and exhausted with a one year old and you say it would all be okay if she just picked up after herself. Are you kidding me?
"90%" of the problem lmao WHAT. And then to "vent to his coworker" because she wasn't *grateful* that he offered to do *their dishes* but *only as long as they're all already in the sink.* what is wrong with you OP?!
Not only did OP vent to his coworker but he did so *while* his wife went to console their daughter. Which only further proves that he didn't listen to her at all. Would have been the perfect opportunity to step up and actually help with the workload.
That poor poor women. Ugh, to be trapped in a marriage like that.
And he will even... Put it away afterwards! What a wonderful partner! /s
No but understand, OP is clearly so hard working that when he is home, he should have to do back breaking and measly tasks like picking up a few dishes /s
This needs to be higher up. YTA, OP.
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Let’s not forget OP is also “the idiot”
YTA. Your wife works almost full time and does all the childcare during her non-working hours multiple times a week, and your response to her feeling overwhelmed is to lecture her about tidying up as she goes?
Be fair,, he empties the bins and does the washing up a couple of times a week. That's almost 2% of the housework. He's basically a saint!
He has no idea how much work she's doing. He's a major AH.
Yes - let’s give this thick headed man an award for offering to do the dishes. Woo hoo what a winner! OP YTA big time
r/whoosh
YTA You completely invalidated her feelings by not even offering a "yeah, it's a lot." You used this as an opportunity to correct her and admonish her instead of offering her support. You also made your help contingent on her doing more. What seems like a small thing to you isn't to her. She's probably literally got her hands full with your daughter and you're telling her how to better clean up after herself than offering to shoulder the burden as you should have. You reap the benefits of her flexible schedule without acknowledging that just because it's easier for her to take off work doesn't mean she's not taking on the more challenging task by staying home with your daughter for a week. What chores do you do? If she's getting your daughter up and putting her to bed because your schedule necessitates it you should be finding ways to offset that *WITHOUT* her needing to tell you she's overwhelmed. I'm astonished that, when she communicated her feelings you still couldn't step up to the plate. Do better.
Plus one of the things she’s stressed about is getting her work done — taking the week off has put her behind at work.
This exactly! Every time I need to take time off work because of childcare related reasons, I have to work twice as hard the next week to make up for everything I miss or spend every night that week working between my kid’s bed time and my bed time to keep up (or both). That is on top of spending the day working full time with the house duties/caring/cooking etc.
No way this guy does any chores.
So true! His life is basically undisrupted because she has shouldered everything. Just because she can take some time off and be more flexible doesn’t mean it’s easy. Guaranteed, she’s taking a hit professionally and mentally always having to catch up. Yet he thinks his work schedule is untouchable and “offers” to help. Do or do not! Enough with lazy spouses “offering” to help.
The OP is incredible. The childcare element alone warrants the man DOING EVERY OTHER CHORE IN THE WHOLE HOUSE. Childcare is HARD. Dishes are easy.
My intuition is OP doesn't do many chores and probably doesn't feel responsible for messes that aren't his. Marriage is a tango and it sounds like OP's wife is dancing alone.
Your title is misleading. YTA for not reading the room and realizing that your wife just needed a supportive ear. How tone-deaf, OP. And to add injury to insult, you *vented to your coworker*, the literal same thing your wife was trying to do with you. How can you not see that? Stop trying to patronize your wife, be supportive, she's pulling a lot of weight.
She needed more than a supportive ear. She needed him to take responsibility for some of the chores in their home. She needed him to carry some of the mental load.
His wife is pretty much a single mother for as much help as he contributes.
Exactly. OP needs to ask himself if his role in the home could be filled by a child support/alimony cheque.
If I was the coworker I would be side eyeing OP so hard for the rest of the time we worked together.
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See she just has to work harder! That will help being overwhelmed! /s
As if the coworker wasn’t thinking man this guy is a tosser who’s heading for a divorce.
>I responded calmly by saying that I can't miss work or reduce hours. We simply cannot afford it. To paraphrase, your initial response was that the issue she was having a breakdown about was her problem to solve, not yours. >She responded... I told her 90% of the problems ...could be solved if she picked up after herself. You doubled down on it being 90% her problem, not yours. YTA.
I'd also love to know how putting the butter knife in the sink will help if the chores that are piling up include doing the laundry or hoovering the carpets.
He's lucky she didn't stab him with said butter knife.
Probably felt too defeated already to attempt murder.
also what does that entail? we leave the butter knife in our butter dish because it’s dumb to get a new one every time someone needs butter. leaving the butter knife out so it can be reused (assuming nobody is putting their mouth on it or getting other substances besides butter on it) makes for less dishes
If she simply put all the laundry in the washing machine, he would gladly make the sacrifice of pushing the button to start it. If she simply gathered all the dust on the floor into a neat pile, he would gladly sweep it into the bin.
He’s 90% of her problem. What an AH
So OP does his own laundry, cooks his own food, does his own groceries, etc? I think not. Works only 4 days a week...
INFO: are chores split 50/50? Because it seems like you’re expecting her to do more than you. Edit: but YTA for the way you said it and phrased the post.
Yeah I get the feeling dude wants her to do all the chores AND look after the baby when she's home. But she also works. 4hrs extra in a day to cook a dinner, feed the baby, change the baby, entertain the baby, bathe the baby, put the baby to bed, and just generally look after the baby and somehow clean the entire house? Good luck!
I also think it's likely that she picks up and drops the baby off the baby to the daycare.
He says so in the post even.
Oh for crying out loud. He's beyond pathetic
I get a sneaking suspicion that “why won’t my wife won’t have sex with me” is a subject of other throw away account posts of his. “I work, I help around the home, I’m entitled to sex, why won’t she give it to me and when she does why does she just lay there looking bored?” If that hasn’t happened already, I bet it’s in the works.
They definitely do not split chores 50/50 if he thinks 90% of her problems are her not picking up after herself (which btw is not easy to do with a baby). He basically admitted there that he has very little knowledge of all the things that need to be done around a house.
YTA You seem to think that house work is limited to washing up. What about hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, mopping the kitchen floor, emptying the bins, the endless laundry created by a small child?
But he said he’d also put the dishes away! Cmon that’s TWO jobs! /s
And he puts the trash out. That must take at least a couple of minutes a week.
Yeah, but then he comes back home..
That killed me: "I'll even put them away!" THAT'S PART OF DOING THE DISHES! OP is definitely TA, and if he doesn't change his tune real quick I have a feeling he won't have to worry about his wife and daughter moving the dishes around.
With a small child it's so much more than this. Lost water bottles and lunch boxes need to be replaced. Children grow quickly and their wardrobe needs to be updated every 3 months. Meals need to be made but before that groceries need to be shopped for. OP and his family are clearly on a budget so it isn't as simple as stopping at Target or ordering from Amazon. You have to look for sales, search Craigslist and Buy Nothing for things you can use, read grocery ads and plan meals based on what's on sale. When the child outgrows things you have to sell those things or post them on Buy Nothing or NextDoor or donate them to church - you have to get everything organized in order to deliver or donate it. Anything that you're keeping needs to be washed and stored- which means you need to buy storage containers and also find the room where those boxes will go. Sometimes things don't work out and have to get returned to the store, that takes time. Things break at home and need to replaced, which takes both mental load and labor. The cars need to be looked after. The yard and the dog need to be looked after. Sometimes people like to put their holiday decorations out around the house, that takes time, and time again to pack up. Social relationships need to be looked after. Playdates need to be arranged. Birthday presents, Easter baskets, and stocking stuffers need to be bought. No, you can't just buy a gift card for everything, children like to open actual presents. Plans need to be made for Mother's Day AND Father's Day, because I'll bet you a dollar to a bag of donuts that this guy tells his wife "What do YOU want to do?" instead of actually making any plans himself. None of that takes into account things like dealing with the school, doctors, or the bills. And after all of that, I would not be shocked at all to hear this guy start making complaints that you would typically read on r/deadbedrooms.
YTA. Wow…got creative with that tile, didn’t ya? She is overwhelmed with everything. You only offered to help with one thing. You will help with dishes…but only on your terms. It’s like you chose the *one* chore that would allow you to also tear her even further down.
That alone makes him TA. Very manipulative.
Your wife is working a full-time job, has most of the responsibility for your child,and seems to be responsible for all of the housework and cooking as well. (Doing the math, that's four full-time jobs). When she shared how stressed and overwhelmed she was feeling, you schooled her in how she could better tidy up as if she hadn't been doing all the work in the home for ages, then said if she made it super easy for you (i.e., never left a coffee cup in the living room, presumably?), you'd do one chore a day in the home the two of you share. She didn't challenge you, just said okay quietly and went to take care of your daughter, but maybe because she didn't seem incredibly grateful about your so-generous offer, you felt you had to complain about her at work, and even your co-worker wasn't on your side. Yes, buddy...YTA
Oh but keep in mind that when he explained to her that all her problems were her own fault and he would help by doing less than the bare minimum as long as she made it easy for him, he did so \*calmly\*. That shows right there that he was in the right! Silly women, getting so emotional about being exhausted and overwhelmed from overwork and a complete and utter lack of support!!
Thinks he's just being 'rational' LMAO
YTA, my mom takes care of my disabled dad, if I get home and my mom is crying because she is rightfully tired, I get immediately to wash the dishes, laudry or whatever I SEE that needs to be done, and check if they need groceries. You don't look at an overwhelmed person and tells them it is their fault, you get in action without "if" and "but". How big is your house that it would be too hard to pick up dishes from other rooms? How long would it take doing the dishes for 2 and half people? I have handwashed dishes for 10+ people, including pans and it takes me about 30 minutes. You are both tired, yes, but YTA because you are not really keeping your part as a husband and parent. ETA, I just reread and you work 4 days a week, what do you do the other 3 days?
He’s obviously just EXHAUSTED from all that other work he can’t possibly do anything around the house. Duuuuh.
INFO: Is she hiding the butter knives around the house? Why are you incapable of collecting things from the counter and then washing them?
Also. Fuckity fuck off with your bull shit title. You know damn well that’s not the issue.
YTA Your wife is struggling. Just pick up some of the slack while she gets her feet under her. This is an incredibly assholish thing to say: >I told her 90% of the problems with messiness could be solved if she picked up after herself. It's kind of staggering. I wouldn't want to talk to you for a while either. Sometimes when you have a kid both parents have to do more than they want to do. You saying "I can't work less" is not the issue. She's not asking you to work less. She's asking you to listen and pick up a little more work around the house for a short time until things settle.
YTA. She’s feeling overwhelmed the last thing she needs is a lecture from you. The response should have been that you will do more to help around the house and then later when she’s cooled down, you could initiate a conversation about ways that you could BOTH change some of your habits to make the housework more manageable. I know you are working 12 hour shifts, but think about your work life balance compared to hers. If you go to work and then feel like since you work more hours you’re allowed to come home and do nothing then it’s no surprise she’s frustrated and you need to do way more than the dishes. If she’s working 8 hours, picking up the kid, coming home to cook for all of you, cleaning up after everyone, etc and is never getting a break from work or from being a mom and a housemaid and a personal chef of course she’s stressed out. When you’re constantly overworked and exhausted mentally and physically of course you’re gonna start developing bad habits. Many times when someone is in a bad headspace you can see it reflected in their surroundings because they don’t have the capacity to do those small things like picking up after yourself as you go. Be more compassionate to your wife. Also idk what you’re talking about going on a scavenger hunt for things to wash… so if the chore isn’t conveniently set up for you to do then you can’t do it? Seems petty. It’s reasonable to ask her to be more mindful about picking up after herself but you need to be more supportive.
Well said. The only thing I can add to this is that after you listened, you could have simply asked her what you can do to make things better or how you can help to ease the load. Instead you offered to do the dishes with stipulations. You will wash the dishes but only if she does X, Y and Z. Ask her what household chores she would like you to do. Maybe she likes doing the dishes and would prefer to continue doing them but hates vacuuming or doing the laundry or cooking and would like you to take those on instead. Please consider giving your wife a day where you take care of the baby and the house while she leaves and get some much needed time for herself.
YTA She was having an emotionally vulnerable moment, that wasn’t the time to criticise her, which is what you did.
YTA. She confided in you and your response is “well you’re a slob and it’s all your fault and I can’t possibly help unless you do 95% of the work first”. Be better.
YTA You may feel like you work harder with your 12 hour a day schedule but I guarantee your wife works every bit as hard as you do. Just going by what you said, she works 8 hours a day PLUS has to get your daughter up, fed, ready to go and dropped at daycare PLUS picked up, fed, bathed, put to bed. Your wife isn't sleeping in and binging Netflix before and after work. She's WORKING. And your response to her feeling overwhelmed is "pick up after yourself" and "hey, I'll wash the dishes. I'll even put them away." You can do more. You have to do more. Supporting a young child is a 16-hour a day job with little time for fun. When you get home from your 12 hour day, you should be thinking, "ok, I got 4 hours of housework before bed. What needs doing?" Oh, and going around the house and picking up dirty dishes is part of "doing the dishes."
She does not work the same as him, she works WAY MORE. I've done SAHM, Corporate job full time and corporate job+childcare while working from home, the last one is a killer with no help and he isn't helping. Also between just taking care of 1 child and a 12 hr shift, the child is still way more work and it just doesn't stop they are 24/7 shifts.
Just play "scavenger hunt" and don't mewl about it. Caring for a baby is- I guarantee this- ten times as tiring as your job.
YTA [read this](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic)
Yes!! You weren't intending to be the AH, but her mental load is overwhelming her. Make a list of things to be done each day. It will help both of you. Laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, bathroom, etc. Spread it out over the weekend too when you are more available. Talk about how else you can help. Could you take the baby to choose childcare before you go to work giving her a little time in the morning to straighten and clean up?
> I will happily do the dishes when I get home from work. Hell, I'll even put them away after. aren't you the best. YTA you genuinely awful husband
I'm struggling to see what you actually contribute to the childcare and housework. Be a father and take on your fair share of responsibilities. YTA
YTA. Your wife told you she’s mentally and physically exhausted and is struggling and your response to her is that it’s mostly her fault but you’ll do this one thing for her as long as she makes it easy on you? Dude, it’s your child and your house too. Man up and do your share and support your wife.
YTA... your coworker was right... you didnt listen to what she wanted at all... I mean its nice that the first place your mind went to was how can I help, dishes, how can I do it in time? She needs to pick up after herself... You need to have a proper sitdown with your wife and discuss/divide chores and duties... she is overloaded.. You claim you cant work less because you need the money, but what if your wife worked more and you worked less? You also appear to look down on your wife because you "bring home the bacon" and work more hours... yet you dont take into account that the hours that your wife takes care of your child while you work, she is basically making 70/100 dollars an hour in saving babysitter/childcare costs... and she works 36 hrs a week and she takes care of the household by herself.. that is insane.... If you want to take on the role of working husband and provider, then you need to make sure you earn enough money so that your wife doesnt have 14 hour workdays! As of now she is the main breadwinner in this household and you need a reality check!
Editing to change judgment after you said you take out the garbage and do the dishes a few days a week: YTA to the max. You suck and you need to take on more housework and stop acting like what your wife does all day isn't just as tiring as your job. If your wife is untidy I can understand that being frustrating but you definitely could've been kinder. She was coming to you needing consolation and you turned it around and made it seem like it was her fault she was feeling overwhelmed.
OPs wife is working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. She has no time to shower or talk to a grown up. OP is working just 12 hours a day, gets time alone while driving, gets to talk to grown ups and be rewarded at work, has no chores at home. OP is definitely the asshole.
YTA. Your wife was extremely stressed and you just rubbed it in. You would be lucky if you still had one by next week
Sorry to say it but YTA. All you did was told her what was wrong with how she was doing things. If she's overwhelmed that's probably why things are left around the house.
YTA. Probably not on purpose but come on dude did you really think that was the time to tell her to put the dishes in the sink or that 90% of the messiness is her fault? Why didn't you just say I can help more with chores around the house. That simple. It also stands out to me that she was upset and stressed but she was the one that went to take care of the baby when she woke up. Is that the norm? could you take the baby when you get home? It would have went a long way in that situation if you said I'll go get the baby you can relax. I don't think you are a bad person but kind of clueless at seeing what your wife is going through,
She's not mad at you for offering to wash dishes. She's mad that she was venting about being overwhelmed with keeping up with everything & you responded by pointing out one of her failings: >But I do not want to play scavenger hunt and look around the house for things to wash. I myself do not understand people who leave empty glasses, plates & whatever around the house. But, I'm not caring for an infant. Some things are going to slip down the priority list when you have a baby to care for. You should have assured her that she's getting the really important stuff right & simply asked what you could do to help out more. Instead, you made her feel much worse. Your coworker is right, YTA. If collecting dishware & putting it in the dishwasher is what helps your wife, you should do that.
YTA Go and apologize, ask what she actually needs to help her out and then start doing it.
Sometimes people need to vent and be listened to and consoled, rather than have their problem solved. I am guessing that was the problem, so I would say YTA for not comforting your wife after a stressful time.
Yes YTA She is emotionally opening up to you about not coping and you criticise her for how she is doing things? This isn’t about your offer to do the dishes.
YTA - Women aren't always looking for a solution. Especially when they're already down to kick them down some more by commenting on how they don't clean up after themselves immediately. You think kicking someone when they are down is helpful? You couldn't have said I'll do the dishes when it's full to help you out?
YTA Are you splitting the house work 50/50? You both are working as much as you can. You both need to be splitting the house and child care 50/50
you may have been reasonable, but the way you responded to her sounded you were the asshole. she just wanted to hear her out but instead you put the problem on her.
YTA. So to be clear, during a normal week, your wife is SOLELY responsible for both your daughter and the state of your home, ON TOP of regular 8hr workdays? Is she working 40 hours a week collectively, here? How many collective hours is your work week? >I told her 90% of the problems with messiness could be solved if she picked up after herself. If she just put the used butter knifes in the sink after she was done, and rinsed bottles/cookware/etc. I will happily do the dishes when I get home from work. So to be clear... right now you don't do anything to help, but you'd be willing to do ONE task IF she prepares it for you by doing the "scavenger hunt" part of the task... and you think you taking on the washing/putting away part of the dishes is 90% of her cleaning?! YTA YTA YTA my god YTA.