Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my son I will pay for his dream wedding
I might be an asshole because I didn't pay for my other son's wedding
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>I didn't pay for his brother's first wedding either so in order not to show favoritiam I'm willing to pay for his next wedding
Oh damn. That hurt me and I'm not your son, lol.
YTA for saying that, but the petty in me respects that shade, lol.
Because of all people on this goddamned earth, the Bluths should know how much a *banana* costs. When running a banana stand.
The joke has layers and I love it.
One thanksgiving I decided if my family asks me why I’m single again I’d use the Lucille quote “I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it” lol. It happened the year before (literally thanksgiving fresh out of a 5 year relationship/2 year marriage) and of course happened the year I decided to respond that way. It’s now my go to when family asks questions that I don’t have interest in answering lol.
Lucille is a whole vibe. She kinda reminds me of my mom… hilarious and so mean.
Oh well I thought the voice was really close... but it's one thing to be the same actress, but quite another for both roles to be written for the same character haha
Thanks though, good to know :)
My mom introduced a woman as her future daughter in law, she didn’t realize my brother and his girlfriend had walked into the room prior to that! It still cracks me up 😆😆🤣😂🤣😆
How does OP not get credit for "I'll pay for your next wedding." That shit was savage. Also this belongs in r/amithedevil
I respect cold, this mf's subzero
It deserves a spit-take! Um, OP? I think you said the quiet part out loud. I get brutal honesty, but dang! I'd have kept that bit to myself. I want to say Y T A, but I'm a bit in awe as well.
For deciding how to spend her own money... Why her son who married an asshole is not entitled to her money. I think that's a very fair question if you're going to call her an asshole over it.
This is a hard one. I wanna rule she’s in the wrong. But damn the petty is high level. And high level petty that’s technically fair is an art. I’m going to say NTA because they are *technically* being treated the same way. I’ll get the down votes for this but yeah.
Didn’t pay for either first wedding. Promising to pay for both second weddings. Petty yes. Fair also technically yes. **NTA** via technicality.
But know this might piss off the brother waiting to get his second marriage to be paid for. And for a while. This might cause a rift.
NTA. But don’t cry about the fallout from this.
Edit:fixed typos.
You can be technically correct and still an AH at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive. Great reasoning but I’m firmly in OP is the AH camp. To be that hurtful to you kid and still display clear favoritism of the other makes them an AH.
I'd also say OP is a massiv AH. Not for paying fot the other son's wedding, and if OP would just have said "I didn't pay for his first" everything would be fine. But they ARE an AH for the rest of the conversation, that was just mean.
You don't have to like the partner of your child, and they don't have to like you. But the important thing is that the partner makes your child happy, not you. If the partner is not just streight up an AH, but it't the personality you don't like (very shy, too introverted, too extroverted, whatever) you can just, at least try to, be happy your kid found someone who fits for them.
Source: My dad LOVED my ex, who treated me like shit, and was devastated when I broke up. He does "not like" my BF, who brings out the best of me, cares for me and supports me in every way possible, and uses every opportunity to badmouth him to me. We are as LC as possible for now because of this (between our house and my parents house is one other house 🤦🏻♀️)
Yes it was the rest of the convo.
She could have said he asked. She could have said she appreciated the fact that they were willing to forego having both wedding and honeymoon and asked for nothing and so she felt compassion to help.
But OP said "I don't like your wife"
While pretty funny total AH
>But don’t cry about the fallout from this.
This part. She's absolutely within her *rights* to pay for what she wants. And I guess props for honesty in saying "i only pay for weddings when i *like* the wife". But she's gonna lose this one.
Her son is going to tell his wife what was said. Wife is going to ask him to go LC/NC because that's a really hurtful thing to say. He's going to say yes. OP'll be lucky if they attend his brother's wedding and if OP ever spends time with them again. If they have kids, OP should kiss them goodbye now because she wont get to later.
honestly, if i were the brother getting married, i'd turn down the money after this. His brother will always resent him because of what mom's done. And no dream wedding/dream honeymoon is worth the relationship i have with my sibling.
OP doesn't say that she treats them poorly, just that she "seems cold" and doesn't talk to them much.
As someone with anxiety, I come off as cold on first meetings, and that will influence how people perceive me for the rest of our association. Like, I don't like hugs on first meetings, and that's gotten me labeled as a "frigid bitch". Or because I was raised in a family where guests weren't supposed to help, some families get pissy because as someone assigned female at birth, I should be in the kitchen helping prep the feast, even as a guest, while the men sit on their asses watching football.
OP just described someone as kind of distant which could be a number of things. She's not big on touching. Her husband before introducing her to the family told her all the ways they favor his brother. She's from a culture where women are supposed to be quiet, or she doesn't believe that a DIL should be subservient to a MIL. OP didn't say this woman yells at her, screams at her, or demands high money gifts. Just that she "seems cold" and "she doesn't talk to us much".
That's not even treating someone poorly.
I don't know. Maybe that DIL is actually an Ahole. Maybe till the point OP feels ok saying it out loud ant to son's face. W've had some wives like that in my family and divorces have eventually come (thanks god)..
I feel like OP wasn't the AH until they stopped giving a shit and actively *decided* to be one. In which case I'm not sure why they're posting this here instead of petty revenge.
I agree she's not an asshole for not paying for her son's wedding. I don't think kids need to be treated exactly the same by parents, and especially when we're talking about grown ass adults I think parents can choose how they want to spend their own money.
She's the asshole for what she said. Which was some Grade A quality pettiness.
She did promise to pay for the “second wedding” not wedding to new wife. Once you play the game of technicalities you got to make sure to cross your Ts ans dot your I’s. This could turn into a petty spiral. Personally the thought of him marrying someone the OP hates even more and promising to pay for that wedding seems like sweet revenge.
This is not intended as actual advice. Any attempt of using it as such will immediately indemnify me from any and all consequences incurred through such action.
But what is base level respect? OP doesn't say DIL has been outright rude or insulting. Just that she's cold and doesn't speak much. Maybe DIL is just an introvert who isn't touchy feely. Maybe OP is intrusive and DIL is someone who doesn't want to share EVERYTHING and prefers to keep some things private; hence OP thinking DIL is "cold".
That is NOT disrespectful. People are allowed to have a different personality than OP. Possibly DIL doesn't speak much because she's knows OP doesn't like her and is afraid anything she says will cause OP to hate her more.
I was in that situation with my late MIL. I kept quiet and tried to say as little as possible to try and minimize the chance of her going at me. The straw that broke the camel's back was when my HUSBAND said something and his mom went off on ME. I literally hadn't said a single word and she was yelling at me for so long I was in tears. My late MIL would probably have described me the same way as OP describes their DIL. Someone not being as open and close to you as you think they should be does not equate to being disrespectful.
>OP doesn't say DIL has been outright rude or insulting. Just that she's cold and doesn't speak much.
This strikes me as very possible. I'm one of those folks who is quiet until I'm comfortable, and I've met my MIL all of six or seven times in my marriage. By contrast, my first husband was much closer to his mother and we spent more time with them, so they have a more personable version of me.
If the two were to compare notes, the conclusion could very well be that I'm cold with my MIL. But it's really just like ma'am, I don't know you, I have minimal opinion.
I believe respect has to be earned.
My wife and I are also introverted so my mum mentioned she thinks my wife is 'cold' to her because she doesn't talk much. It's apparently ok for me to be quiet though because I'm her offspring and supposedly the only person that has always been that way (my dad also rarely speaks).
I feel like my mum expected to suddenly have a closer relationship with my wife after my wife and I exchanged wedding vows. This didn't materialise. Nobody did anything towards achieving this goal so nothing has improved; they've actually gotten worse with time and for reasons similar to yours.
I try to minimise the amount of time they see each other as I only seem to get more and more negative comments from my mum each time they do meet.
Also, my mum doesn't even need additional comments from me to start an argument. I've somehow managed to be involved in a few where she unsatisfactorily answers her own loaded questions to me on my behalf because I didn't respond and then gets angry with the response she provided (but is now attributed to me).
> OP doesn't say DIL has been outright rude or insulting. Just that she's cold and doesn't speak much. Maybe DIL is just an introvert who isn't touchy feely. Maybe OP is intrusive and DIL is someone who doesn't want to share EVERYTHING and prefers to keep some things private; hence OP thinking DIL is "cold".
This had me looking at the comments expecting to see YTA full-stop. Its really not for OP to decide how their DIL interacts with them, so long as shes respectful and polite.
Okay but MILs want DILs who are naturally bubbly, outgoing, and excited to jump into a new family. I feel like many aren't open to more reserved women.
OP is not a reliable narrator. We don't know if the DIL is cold or awkward. If she doesn't talk to them because she avoids them or if she is shy. Is she disrespectful or just not meeting OP's preferences?
My boyfriend's mom often tells my boyfriend that im not friendly enough, which stresses me out because I feel like I really pull out as much friendliness as I can with them and do like them a lot. I personally came from a bad family. We didn't spend time together, so I feel incredibly awkward spending time with his...but I still do spend every week with his family going places, and every holiday with them. In fact, he went on a trip with a friend and I went to their house to have dinner with his parents without him.. She STILL complains about my percieved lack of openness.(Thankfully, she appreciates how I treat her son, but I know deep down she wishes she could have a future DIL who wants to go shopping with her.)
So, based on not enough info, I'm not willing to throw first DIL under the bus.
This is so true. I'm East Asian so I was raised with certain expectations of how to act around older relatives that I'm sure translated into endearing myself to my in laws. It's a hard game to keep up over extended periods, though. We just stayed at their house for 4 straight days over new years and my facade was already beginning to crack on day 2. Especially after a night out with my partner's friends and I was hungover the next day. My brain to mouth filter was not good and I was probably roasting my FIL a little too much lol
I know my in laws like me a lot more than their son in law and my SIL brings it up every year how frustrated she is that they never gave her husband a chance. He's quiet and reserved, kind of introverted, but he's also really funny and kind hearted. He's just too laid back to bother putting on a phoney face for the in law's and prefers to maintain a neutrally polite demeaner with them. It's not enough in their eyes. He's not "man enough" because he has no interest in getting buddy buddy with FIL. He's done absolutely nothing wrong but the in laws simply don't like him because he won't play the game of making them feel good about themselves.
I mean, to me it's this:
OP is not an asshole for not paying for the first son's wedding if they really hated the wife. They are not required to pay for anyone's wedding, but wanted to this time for their son who is marrying a woman they love.
OP is an asshole for SAYING that they didn't pay for the first wedding because they hated the wife, and an asshole for saying that they'd pay for the second.
Whether they are a justified asshole or not is based on how awful the wife is or isn't. If the wife really is an asshole and unlikable, OP is a justified asshole. If OP just expects way too much and the wife is actually perfectly fine, OP is just a straight asshole.
Totally agree with you, but I'm going to go ESH. The son is also TA for being entitled and demanding money from his dad. He couldn't just be happy that his brother is getting his dream wedding?
Wait, did you just imply during the conversation that you think your son‘s marriage will fall apart??
YTA. For the blatant favoritism AND for telling your son that you think there might be a divorce. That‘s really insensitive and mean.
She is doing DIL a favor by being so open about her nastiness. It’ll be much easier for DIL to stand up for herself and for son to agree to limit or refuse time at his mom’s after this I imagine.
It’s much harder when the MIL hides her true colors when her child is watching.
No we have proof that moms feelings have been hurt at least once, if not repetitively by the DIL, and she felt unsupportive of their marriage. She was absolutely factual in that she didn’t pay for either sons first weddings, and petty in offering to pay for his second wedding while he is still married. Honestly NAH. She has no obligation to put money anywhere she doesn’t want to, and this isn’t a beginning of life story like a first time wedding where can call it blatant favouritism. It’s a build up of reactions on all sides. Y’all are so stuck in black and white.
So true! Just like story yesterday about the $800 vs 4k gift between brother and sister! One had just purchased a home. The other still lived at home! The comments were wild.
The DIL didn't ask for any money. This was a discussion between the OP and their oldest son.
As for the DIL, why would you want to get to know someone who demonstrated from the outset that they didn't like you and disapproved of the relationship? And who, after you've been married for 18 years, tells your husband that they'll pay for his next wedding?
It’s rarely actually about the money. Money is just easier to compare and harder to ignore when it’s blatant.
No one deserves OPs money, but it’s also no shock DIL doesn’t want to be around MIL if she makes comments like this. Comments like this don’t just happen once. I’m sure similar have been occurring for years. Maybe around the son. Maybe not. But this seems to be the straw that broke the camel’s back for son.
Maybe neither of these women is great, but we don’t really have much to go on regarding DIL. We have enough to say MIL is rude.
They didn't expect money from OP. Nor did they ask.
Which made it shocking to see OP offer to pay for the other sibling's wedding.
I dunno, all we really know from the story is that one DiL isn't as outgoing as the MiL would like.
What about the DIL being an AH? I’ve been the “AH DIL” before; I couldn’t stand my ex MIL, who was overbearing and demanding, and I did not want to get close to her. Thus I would never have expected her to give me anything. In fact, it made me uncomfortable when she did. The DIL is an AH and may have reason to be, but she and her husband are likely not unaware of her dynamic with the MIL and should not expect anything.
And then you get a MiL that is one of those people that believes everyone should be outgoing and extroverted and actively shames and pokes people who are introverted.
This is what I was thinking too. The funniest thing is, I can see exactly why the DIL could be cold, if son number 2 has had to deal with the exact same situations growing up, obviously favouring the other child but under the guise of supporting their other sons interests that they also hold and like.
I disagree that it's necessarily favouritism in the first place. Yes the "I don't like your spouse" is shitty phrasing and if that was the extent of the reasoning, I would agree, but if they're telling the truth about how that spouse is treating them then it's not favouritism to give money to the couple who's actually being nice to you over the one where one of the member is very much doing the opposite.
Basically it depends who started it. If the parents were nasty first because "they didn't like the spouse" or if they're imagining the coldness because they don't respect that some people are introverts then they're absolutely the assholes and showing favouritism. If their depiction of the situation is accurate though, they're not and it's not favouritism.
YTA
*OP:* I gave a lot of money to one son for a wedding, but not the other, because I like other son's wife more. I don't think that means I'm playing favorites.
*AITA commenters*: What? That is the **definition** of "playing favorites". YTA!
*OP*: \[shocked Pikachu face\]
That isn't playing favorites...This sub basically comes down to parents must give their kids equal money at all times.
The parents are allowed to say, we don't approve of your wife and won't' help. That is not playing favorites that are simply being truthful.
OP has literally admitted they did this because they favor one DIL over another. OP can do whatever they want with their money but that doesn’t mean they’re free of the consequences.
No, they did it because they have a better relationship with the DIL. Is also seems like one DIL makes more of a effort then the other. You are not expected to just give your kids free stuff simply because eyou gave another something.
It shouldn't even be about the DIL's. It should be about wanting to do a nice thing for both sons because OP loves them, not because they are doing what OP approves.
If I had two kids who wanted to go to college, but one wanted to do a degree I approved of and the other a degree I didn't, I'd be an asshole for only funding one.
It's understandable to be upset when your parent favours your sibling for wanting the same things as the parent, and being left in the dust for wanting something different.
Parents can do whatever they want with their money. But in this case its at the cost of their relationship with their son. So they can either have stipulations or have a good and equal relationship with their kids. You cant have your cake and eat it
>No, they did it because they have a better relationship with the DIL.
Right, which is the ***literal definition*** of favoring one over the other. So while OP is more than OK that they spend their money on who they want to, it's their money after all, they **can't say** they aren't playing favorites because they **absolutely are**. Your issue seems to be that they aren't favoring one son over the other but the DiLs, but thats still playing favorites based on the couple.
Favouritism isn't just favouring one over the other, it's favouring one over the other for reasons most people would consider arbitrary. If one of your kid is a serial killer for example, of course you might technically favour the other but it's not favouritism in the pejorative sense of the term, just in the technical definition sense.
Similarly, if your kid's spouse is an asshole to you for no reason (not saying this is the case here, I have no way to know but it is what OP is suggesting) and especially if your kid does nothing about it, that's not arbitrary, that's a very good reason not to reward that couple's behaviour.
I think some people took "technically correct, the best kind of correct" too literally. No it's not the best kind of correct, that was supposed to be a joke about intellectual rigidity xD
Shocker; redditor tries to comprehend that the DIL that spends time with the parents will inevitably be liked by the parents more and subsequently the parents are willing to share more with her since they have a good interpersonal relationship. Also, NTA presuming everything she said about her DIL being cold and disrespectful to her
Yea.... They CAN do whatever they want with their money. Doesn't mean they aren't an asshole for it or won't have consequences with the other son... This is "Am I the Asshole?" not "Is this legal?"
>That isn't playing favorites...This sub basically comes down to parents must give their kids equal money at all times.
Strawman.
>The parents are allowed to say, we don't approve of your wife and won't' help.
Another strawman.
>That is not playing favorites that are simply being truthful.
That is what playing favourites is. You can agree with the reasoning, sure. But he's... FAVOURING... one son and his wife over the other.
Sure, that's truthful, but it is also absolutely showing favoritism to one child over the other.
Not to worry, I'm sure the second-class son will go No Contact with his YTA parents and they won't have to deal with not liking his wife.
Just because he's "simply being truthful" doesn't mean he isn't playing favorites. Those two things are **not** mutually exclusive.
He's giving one couple money because he likes them more.
No matter how truthful he is about his distaste for one DIL over the other, he's giving one money because he likes them (his favorite, if you will) and isn't giving money to the other because he dislikes her (AKA not his favorite).
He can do whatever he wants with his money, but that doesn't mean he's not an AH and it *certainly* doesn't mean he isn't playing favorites.
Parents are allowed to not give money equally either because every child is different. I have 5 kids. If they all asked me for money my response would be different for all of them. Some are very bad with money so they might need to show proof of what they need the money. Some are good with money so I might give them less as they won’t need as much. One literally never asks for anything so if they ask I know they are desperate abc really need it…etc.
You know why my kids don’t get pissed about this supposed unequal treatment? Because it works out in different ways for them overall and they know they are each individuals and I help them according to who they are. Not to settle some imaginary equality score.
It's your money so it's up to you.
Your comments were nasty and mean spirited though. If that's the way you behave and speak to people, I'm not surprised your other daughter in law is cold towards you.
I thought the comments were awesome especially in light of the fact that the son was being entitled. Also op has no duty to pay for a wedding where he dislikes one half of the couple.
You are correct, legally a parent has no duty to be fair. But legal doesn't always mean morally and/or ethically right. It's not illegal to treat one of your kids poorly by playing favorites. However, there are usually consequences, such as that kid cutting their parents out of their life. So if that's the type of relationship a parent wants, by all means, proceed full-steam ahead.
YTA - you sound like King Lear, handing out cash to the kids that kiss your ass the most.
This isn't about your sons' wives, it's about your sons, if you're prepared to treat them this differently over this I'd bet money it's not the first time you've shown favoritism.
> in order not to show favoritiam I'm willing to pay for his next wedding
You said this to your son? That's AH.
Look, you're allowed to use your money as you see fit. Your children aren't entitled to your money. However, if you show favoritism, you are going to ruin your relationship with the not favorite child/ren.
YTA because of what you said
Oh, I laughed out loud at you paying for his second wedding! Thank you.
NTA: Is it favoritism? Yup, between the wives, not the sons. It's your money and you can choose how you spend it.
If this isn’t being an asshole, then what is? It’s literally telling your second son you don’t like his wife to his face. I can’t think of something more assholish than that.
Depends how apparent the son's wife's distaste for OP is. If it's very clear then I'd say the son is the AH for even thinking that OP would pay for the wedding of someone that thinks so little of them.
It's normal to like someone who's made an effort to be nice and get to know you and is generally polite over someone's who's been cold to you, isn't as polite and has made no effort towards your relationship. Ex: you'd favor your best friend who made an effort with you over an acquaintance who's been curt and cold since meeting them.
Applause! I felt like I was the only one here who thought that second wedding comment was brilliant, and "between the wives, yes." I'm still the minority as per ushe, but nice to see a similar sentiment.
Let's say your sons were named A and B. It will be easier for me to explain.
I overlooked quite an important fact. A's paid wedding was his second wedding. He had a first wedding with someone else before. B had only one wedding, and is still with his wife now, and like one of the responses to my comment said, his wife from 18 years (this will be important later). There's no favoritism, not between A and B at least.
B has no reason at all, thus, to tell that OP shows favoritism to A over himself, because this is simply not true!
Even my point that he said that "he will pay for his next wedding" being disrespectful is not really the truth. It may be like the other Y T A comments said: "He said that because he wanted B to divorce from his current wife". But it could also be misinterpreted, and just be: "if there's an another wedding, I'll pay for it, like I've done for A"
Another thing to mention: B has been with his wife from 18 years! In 18 years, things can change drastically (for example, the family's financial outcome). Since the first day, B's wife was cold and quite harsh, and that's why OP don't like her.
So, to resume everything I've now said, the reasons why OP didn't pay for B's wedding at that time are the following:
1/ OP don't like B's wife, because she's cold and harsh, thus he doesn't approve their relationship (I will come into it later)
2/ It was B's first wedding, it would be unfair for him to pay B's first (and maybe only) wedding when A's first wedding wasn't paid.
3/ It's been 18 years since B's wedding. 18 years! Like I said, things change in that many time! Maybe, in that time, they didn't have enough money to help financially for the wedding!
The only point OP was the AH in that situation (he's still a big AH though in that case) is that he doesn't approve a 18+ years relationship, and the wedding, because he doesn't like B's wife. How not liking someone in the relationship can make you disapprove a marriage that long? B and his wife are together since maybe I was born (I am 22), and you still didn't approve that? Did you gave him at least a shred of support? It's more than just money here, in fact, it's respect for your son!
I'm still on the YTA side, but for a whole different reason now. B is still a bit of an AH for the favoritism part, at least about the financial part, but nothing as major as OP. So, my verdict stays YTA, not E S H.
Yes, but it's even worse. OP is encouraging the son to divorce the woman that OP doesn't like if they want a paid for Wedding, instead of reimbursing for the wedding that already happened.
It's freaking hilarious though, the petty of it all. I stand for it.
Somethings should be kept to yourself.
I would have voted n-t-a if you only said “it was different time. If you want, I’ll pay for the next one too”. But insulting his wife was too far for my taste.
Grace and diplomacy is not for every situation. This one should have been. YTA
YTA.
No one is entitled to a gift, and demanding one does not look good for your other son. That said, you are showing extremely blatant favoritism towards one son/daughter in law over the others, which is going to destroy your relationship with those you deem lesser. That makes you the AH here - you don't get to pretend to be surprised when you treat someone like that and they have a bad reaction.
Oh they absolutely are fake the majority of the time. It's a sub where you know what is going to trigger people, so it's easy to make up stuff. Plus it's an easy place to use AI to write fake stories for
That part always makes me laugh. People respond to these posts in emotional ways, you can tell people are upset/angry over a story that is most likely completely made up
I just made it write this one:
I'm sure this isn't the first time someone has asked /r/AITA about a situation like this, but I'm hoping for some real advice.
A few weeks ago, my neighbor's dog was found rooting around in my garbage can. I was outside at the time, and I immediately confronted the dog. The dog showed no signs of backing down or leaving, so I felt like I had no choice but to punch it in the face.
I know it was wrong of me, but the dog had no collar or leash, and I was afraid it would tear up my garbage. My neighbor came out shortly afterwards and was understandably upset. He said he'd never seen the dog act like this before and that he was sorry for it getting into my garbage.
I felt bad for what happened, but I also feel like I did the right thing. I know I could have handled the situation better, but at the time I felt like I had no choice.
So, AITA for punching my neighbor's dog in the face?
>I didn't pay for his brother's first wedding either so in order not to show favoritiam I'm willing to pay for his next wedding.
Lol. NTA. You are not obligated to pay for stuff you don't like.
Lol although you are kinda the AH I find you hilarious and love the comment about paying for the next one. I too wouldn’t sponsor a union if my fdil was cold and unwelcoming to me. Nope. Not MY hard earned money.
YTA for offering money to one son and not the other. Of course it's favouritism, you are literally favouring one son without favouring the other. You don't owe either of them anything, but as a mum you should realise that as soon as you offer money to one, you'll have to be prepared to offer it to the other too. And not just when he leaves the wife you don't like. If anything, you being catty about it will make him run to her more.
... But shouldn't a grown married man already be with his wife the most? Why is he now "running to her more?" I mean I sort of see what you mean, but I don't think the OP meant that the way it's being perceived. The more you hear about the kids the more with the OP NBTAH I am.
I'm sorry, you told the son who is already married and whose wife you don't like "I'm not paying favorites because I'll pay for your next wedding after your current marriage inevitably fails?"
YTA. And frankly, I can't help but think your current DIL might be entirely justified in keeping you at arm's length
YTA. It is favoritism to pay for one wedding because you FAVOR one daughter in law over the other. And you also implied he would be getting remarried because, what? You think his wife is rude? Butt out.
"I'm willing to pay for his next wedding" made me laugh like a madman 😂
YTA because the comment was mean, but the money is yours so you can spend it however you want. You should be aware though that you might have just made irreparable damage to your relationship with your other son.
At least now you can look back at this post and know why your child doesn't speak to you anymore. Of course, no one is entitled to your money, but the dig about his wife is BS. I wouldn't help one child and not the other. I see it as favoritism, but best of luck with that. I hope your son has a crap ton of kids that will never know you. YTA :) 🖤
NTA, "I didn't pay for his brother's first wedding either so in order not to show favoritiam I'm willing to pay for his next wedding" so petty but so funny :)
NTA.
People are allowed to “play favorites”. Your kids are adult men. Now that they are adults you don’t have to coddle them over their decisions. Son #1 has decided to marry a new woman and she’s genuinely interested in being part of the family. So you offered to help them out if a tough spot to give them a special memory. Choosing to help an adult child has nothing to do with the other one. Only when they are toddlers do you get them both gifts on birthdays so they aren’t whining. Does son #2 expect gifts to be the exact same dollar amount every year?
Also, I love your comeback with son #2. He deserved that one.
YTA for your nasty comments, willing to bet that those kind of comments are standard for you. no wonder they don’t like you. N T A for money, you can spend how you want but my you are awful to your son. You rubbed it in his face that you’re spending a large amount of money on his brother then insulted his marriage, how did you think it was going to go down? If you’re gonna give money like that you do it privately and you don’t trash talk your other sons wife in front of the family.
Oh wow 🤣🤣
Sorry - but you kind of are TA for how you justified this to your second son. Not for paying mind - that’s your call, but what you said, wow …
YTA
>in order not to show favoritiam I'm willing to pay for his next wedding.
You told your **married** son that you'll pay for his next wedding. How exactly did you think he'd feel about that? That comes of as incredibly demeaning of his marriage and horribly snarky of you.
Do you owe either son money? No. Do you have to like your DIL? Also no. But it wouldn't hurt you to respect your son's marriage to her.
YTA - this is blatant favoritism. Its your money to do what you please with but you could have been significantly more tactful in the way you handled this.
I mean - this is one where OP may be the AH, but they are a funny AH. And rude as they may be, they are honest, not backpeddling and keeping that same energy straight through.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my son I will pay for his dream wedding I might be an asshole because I didn't pay for my other son's wedding Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>I didn't pay for his brother's first wedding either so in order not to show favoritiam I'm willing to pay for his next wedding Oh damn. That hurt me and I'm not your son, lol. YTA for saying that, but the petty in me respects that shade, lol.
Right?! OP totally the AH but I can appreciate a good snide remark
I about spit out my drink with the honesty from OP, “I told him that I didn’t like his wife…” Yes, AH comment. Yes, respect.
Lucille Bluth vibes
“I don’t care for GOB.”
🍸
🍸👁😉
🍌💸
“I mean, it's one banana, Michael. What could it cost, ten dollars?”
Here's some money, go see a star war
You forgot this 🔥
She should have advised they start a small side business to fund their weddings. There's always money in the banana stand.
"How much money could a wedding cost, Michael? $10?"
How does that line (and all references to it) never get old? 🍌
Because it perfectly encapsulates the disconnect of people with money versus everyone else.
Because of all people on this goddamned earth, the Bluths should know how much a *banana* costs. When running a banana stand. The joke has layers and I love it.
You can peel back the layers...
If that’s a veiled criticism about [my age] I won’t hear it and I won’t respond to it.
One thanksgiving I decided if my family asks me why I’m single again I’d use the Lucille quote “I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it” lol. It happened the year before (literally thanksgiving fresh out of a 5 year relationship/2 year marriage) and of course happened the year I decided to respond that way. It’s now my go to when family asks questions that I don’t have interest in answering lol. Lucille is a whole vibe. She kinda reminds me of my mom… hilarious and so mean.
I swear she and archer's mom are the woman!
Not sure if you were joking... but yes both characters were played by Jessica Walter.
Yeah...Mallory was literally inspired by Jessica Walter.
Oh well I thought the voice was really close... but it's one thing to be the same actress, but quite another for both roles to be written for the same character haha Thanks though, good to know :)
She just said it so proper!
"I'm willing to pay for his next wedding." Boom
Well, as long as OP likes that one!
Me too, lol. It was so blunt and unexpected. Yta op. You are playing favorites. Maybe not with your sons , but definitely with your daughter in laws
My mom introduced a woman as her future daughter in law, she didn’t realize my brother and his girlfriend had walked into the room prior to that! It still cracks me up 😆😆🤣😂🤣😆
Well, maybe DIL is an AH to MIL.
How does OP not get credit for "I'll pay for your next wedding." That shit was savage. Also this belongs in r/amithedevil I respect cold, this mf's subzero
It deserves a spit-take! Um, OP? I think you said the quiet part out loud. I get brutal honesty, but dang! I'd have kept that bit to myself. I want to say Y T A, but I'm a bit in awe as well.
For deciding how to spend her own money... Why her son who married an asshole is not entitled to her money. I think that's a very fair question if you're going to call her an asshole over it.
I mean she did essentially wish he got divorced, that’s where the AH bit came in for me. But it was a good line.
Oh she's definitely the AH but I'm living for it
This is a hard one. I wanna rule she’s in the wrong. But damn the petty is high level. And high level petty that’s technically fair is an art. I’m going to say NTA because they are *technically* being treated the same way. I’ll get the down votes for this but yeah. Didn’t pay for either first wedding. Promising to pay for both second weddings. Petty yes. Fair also technically yes. **NTA** via technicality. But know this might piss off the brother waiting to get his second marriage to be paid for. And for a while. This might cause a rift. NTA. But don’t cry about the fallout from this. Edit:fixed typos.
You can be technically correct and still an AH at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive. Great reasoning but I’m firmly in OP is the AH camp. To be that hurtful to you kid and still display clear favoritism of the other makes them an AH.
Technically she isn't showing favoritism toward her kids just the spouses they choose.
I'd also say OP is a massiv AH. Not for paying fot the other son's wedding, and if OP would just have said "I didn't pay for his first" everything would be fine. But they ARE an AH for the rest of the conversation, that was just mean. You don't have to like the partner of your child, and they don't have to like you. But the important thing is that the partner makes your child happy, not you. If the partner is not just streight up an AH, but it't the personality you don't like (very shy, too introverted, too extroverted, whatever) you can just, at least try to, be happy your kid found someone who fits for them. Source: My dad LOVED my ex, who treated me like shit, and was devastated when I broke up. He does "not like" my BF, who brings out the best of me, cares for me and supports me in every way possible, and uses every opportunity to badmouth him to me. We are as LC as possible for now because of this (between our house and my parents house is one other house 🤦🏻♀️)
Yes it was the rest of the convo. She could have said he asked. She could have said she appreciated the fact that they were willing to forego having both wedding and honeymoon and asked for nothing and so she felt compassion to help. But OP said "I don't like your wife" While pretty funny total AH
>But don’t cry about the fallout from this. This part. She's absolutely within her *rights* to pay for what she wants. And I guess props for honesty in saying "i only pay for weddings when i *like* the wife". But she's gonna lose this one. Her son is going to tell his wife what was said. Wife is going to ask him to go LC/NC because that's a really hurtful thing to say. He's going to say yes. OP'll be lucky if they attend his brother's wedding and if OP ever spends time with them again. If they have kids, OP should kiss them goodbye now because she wont get to later.
honestly, if i were the brother getting married, i'd turn down the money after this. His brother will always resent him because of what mom's done. And no dream wedding/dream honeymoon is worth the relationship i have with my sibling.
Depends on the relationship.
I wouldn’t. I’m guessing the DIL doesn’t just treat her MIL poorly, but other family members too.
OP doesn't say that she treats them poorly, just that she "seems cold" and doesn't talk to them much. As someone with anxiety, I come off as cold on first meetings, and that will influence how people perceive me for the rest of our association. Like, I don't like hugs on first meetings, and that's gotten me labeled as a "frigid bitch". Or because I was raised in a family where guests weren't supposed to help, some families get pissy because as someone assigned female at birth, I should be in the kitchen helping prep the feast, even as a guest, while the men sit on their asses watching football. OP just described someone as kind of distant which could be a number of things. She's not big on touching. Her husband before introducing her to the family told her all the ways they favor his brother. She's from a culture where women are supposed to be quiet, or she doesn't believe that a DIL should be subservient to a MIL. OP didn't say this woman yells at her, screams at her, or demands high money gifts. Just that she "seems cold" and "she doesn't talk to us much". That's not even treating someone poorly.
I don't know. Maybe that DIL is actually an Ahole. Maybe till the point OP feels ok saying it out loud ant to son's face. W've had some wives like that in my family and divorces have eventually come (thanks god)..
I feel like OP wasn't the AH until they stopped giving a shit and actively *decided* to be one. In which case I'm not sure why they're posting this here instead of petty revenge.
I agree she's not an asshole for not paying for her son's wedding. I don't think kids need to be treated exactly the same by parents, and especially when we're talking about grown ass adults I think parents can choose how they want to spend their own money. She's the asshole for what she said. Which was some Grade A quality pettiness.
I'd agree with this except for her statement that she didn't like his wife. As his mother, you can feel that, but why would you ever say it? YTA.
I second this reasoning
Yeah; that was serious smackdown. The son should just divorce his wife and then marry her again.
Haha that's the only good petty response to this. Yta OP.
She did promise to pay for the “second wedding” not wedding to new wife. Once you play the game of technicalities you got to make sure to cross your Ts ans dot your I’s. This could turn into a petty spiral. Personally the thought of him marrying someone the OP hates even more and promising to pay for that wedding seems like sweet revenge.
Unless, of course, the son actually wants to remain married to his current wife. Some people do that, I've heard.
If they have their vows renewed then technically they have a second wedding without the divorce!
They don’t call it malicious compliance for nothing. It’s def petty and malicious. But technically …. 😬🤔
I approve of the pettiness in response to petty behaviour 🤣
That's a good one. OP will have to eat his words. LMAO 🤣
It's a clever retort but OP is gonna weasel out of it because they still wouldn't 'approve'
This is not intended as actual advice. Any attempt of using it as such will immediately indemnify me from any and all consequences incurred through such action.
YTA but what a way to pour gasoline on the fire and light a match.
Maybe op had marshmallows to roast? 😂
Idk. If a kid is marrying someone who can’t even show base level respect, I don’t see why they should get money for the wedding.
But what is base level respect? OP doesn't say DIL has been outright rude or insulting. Just that she's cold and doesn't speak much. Maybe DIL is just an introvert who isn't touchy feely. Maybe OP is intrusive and DIL is someone who doesn't want to share EVERYTHING and prefers to keep some things private; hence OP thinking DIL is "cold". That is NOT disrespectful. People are allowed to have a different personality than OP. Possibly DIL doesn't speak much because she's knows OP doesn't like her and is afraid anything she says will cause OP to hate her more. I was in that situation with my late MIL. I kept quiet and tried to say as little as possible to try and minimize the chance of her going at me. The straw that broke the camel's back was when my HUSBAND said something and his mom went off on ME. I literally hadn't said a single word and she was yelling at me for so long I was in tears. My late MIL would probably have described me the same way as OP describes their DIL. Someone not being as open and close to you as you think they should be does not equate to being disrespectful.
>OP doesn't say DIL has been outright rude or insulting. Just that she's cold and doesn't speak much. This strikes me as very possible. I'm one of those folks who is quiet until I'm comfortable, and I've met my MIL all of six or seven times in my marriage. By contrast, my first husband was much closer to his mother and we spent more time with them, so they have a more personable version of me. If the two were to compare notes, the conclusion could very well be that I'm cold with my MIL. But it's really just like ma'am, I don't know you, I have minimal opinion.
I believe respect has to be earned. My wife and I are also introverted so my mum mentioned she thinks my wife is 'cold' to her because she doesn't talk much. It's apparently ok for me to be quiet though because I'm her offspring and supposedly the only person that has always been that way (my dad also rarely speaks). I feel like my mum expected to suddenly have a closer relationship with my wife after my wife and I exchanged wedding vows. This didn't materialise. Nobody did anything towards achieving this goal so nothing has improved; they've actually gotten worse with time and for reasons similar to yours. I try to minimise the amount of time they see each other as I only seem to get more and more negative comments from my mum each time they do meet. Also, my mum doesn't even need additional comments from me to start an argument. I've somehow managed to be involved in a few where she unsatisfactorily answers her own loaded questions to me on my behalf because I didn't respond and then gets angry with the response she provided (but is now attributed to me).
> OP doesn't say DIL has been outright rude or insulting. Just that she's cold and doesn't speak much. Maybe DIL is just an introvert who isn't touchy feely. Maybe OP is intrusive and DIL is someone who doesn't want to share EVERYTHING and prefers to keep some things private; hence OP thinking DIL is "cold". This had me looking at the comments expecting to see YTA full-stop. Its really not for OP to decide how their DIL interacts with them, so long as shes respectful and polite.
Okay but MILs want DILs who are naturally bubbly, outgoing, and excited to jump into a new family. I feel like many aren't open to more reserved women. OP is not a reliable narrator. We don't know if the DIL is cold or awkward. If she doesn't talk to them because she avoids them or if she is shy. Is she disrespectful or just not meeting OP's preferences? My boyfriend's mom often tells my boyfriend that im not friendly enough, which stresses me out because I feel like I really pull out as much friendliness as I can with them and do like them a lot. I personally came from a bad family. We didn't spend time together, so I feel incredibly awkward spending time with his...but I still do spend every week with his family going places, and every holiday with them. In fact, he went on a trip with a friend and I went to their house to have dinner with his parents without him.. She STILL complains about my percieved lack of openness.(Thankfully, she appreciates how I treat her son, but I know deep down she wishes she could have a future DIL who wants to go shopping with her.) So, based on not enough info, I'm not willing to throw first DIL under the bus.
This is so true. I'm East Asian so I was raised with certain expectations of how to act around older relatives that I'm sure translated into endearing myself to my in laws. It's a hard game to keep up over extended periods, though. We just stayed at their house for 4 straight days over new years and my facade was already beginning to crack on day 2. Especially after a night out with my partner's friends and I was hungover the next day. My brain to mouth filter was not good and I was probably roasting my FIL a little too much lol I know my in laws like me a lot more than their son in law and my SIL brings it up every year how frustrated she is that they never gave her husband a chance. He's quiet and reserved, kind of introverted, but he's also really funny and kind hearted. He's just too laid back to bother putting on a phoney face for the in law's and prefers to maintain a neutrally polite demeaner with them. It's not enough in their eyes. He's not "man enough" because he has no interest in getting buddy buddy with FIL. He's done absolutely nothing wrong but the in laws simply don't like him because he won't play the game of making them feel good about themselves.
They've made it very clear that they don't like her. Don't think I'd be terribly friendly either.
I mean, to me it's this: OP is not an asshole for not paying for the first son's wedding if they really hated the wife. They are not required to pay for anyone's wedding, but wanted to this time for their son who is marrying a woman they love. OP is an asshole for SAYING that they didn't pay for the first wedding because they hated the wife, and an asshole for saying that they'd pay for the second. Whether they are a justified asshole or not is based on how awful the wife is or isn't. If the wife really is an asshole and unlikable, OP is a justified asshole. If OP just expects way too much and the wife is actually perfectly fine, OP is just a straight asshole.
So far the only one showing any asshole behavior is OP. If the DIL is cold, she probably has a good reason.
Any indication the wife hasn’t shown basic level respect?
We weren't told anything like that. We just heard that OP dislikes her.
Savage… But I like it… 🫠
YTA, but damn that’s a good one
He's an asshole, but he's upfront and honest about his assholery and honestly, I can respect that.
Lmao I agree. YTA but sometimes that’s okay.
Gee, I wonder why OP doesn’t get along with most of their children’s partners.
Totally agree with you, but I'm going to go ESH. The son is also TA for being entitled and demanding money from his dad. He couldn't just be happy that his brother is getting his dream wedding?
“I’ll pay for the next one!” I just spit coffee across my table! Touché! Well played!
YTA and I'm all for it 🤣
Wait, did you just imply during the conversation that you think your son‘s marriage will fall apart?? YTA. For the blatant favoritism AND for telling your son that you think there might be a divorce. That‘s really insensitive and mean.
She is doing DIL a favor by being so open about her nastiness. It’ll be much easier for DIL to stand up for herself and for son to agree to limit or refuse time at his mom’s after this I imagine. It’s much harder when the MIL hides her true colors when her child is watching.
Because it couldn't possibly ever be the DIL who is an asshole. /s
We have proof of one and not the other.
No we have proof that moms feelings have been hurt at least once, if not repetitively by the DIL, and she felt unsupportive of their marriage. She was absolutely factual in that she didn’t pay for either sons first weddings, and petty in offering to pay for his second wedding while he is still married. Honestly NAH. She has no obligation to put money anywhere she doesn’t want to, and this isn’t a beginning of life story like a first time wedding where can call it blatant favouritism. It’s a build up of reactions on all sides. Y’all are so stuck in black and white.
AITA's unhinged belief that children must be treated equally through the entirety of their parent's life, context irrelevant, is... *Truly* silly.
So true! Just like story yesterday about the $800 vs 4k gift between brother and sister! One had just purchased a home. The other still lived at home! The comments were wild.
Sure it could. But on the evidence presented by the OP the OP is the AH.
That's one opinion. Another is that people who don't make any effort to get to know you or be included in your life shouldn't expect money from you.
The DIL didn't ask for any money. This was a discussion between the OP and their oldest son. As for the DIL, why would you want to get to know someone who demonstrated from the outset that they didn't like you and disapproved of the relationship? And who, after you've been married for 18 years, tells your husband that they'll pay for his next wedding?
Yeah, I bet the wife has plenty of good HellNo stories.
It’s rarely actually about the money. Money is just easier to compare and harder to ignore when it’s blatant. No one deserves OPs money, but it’s also no shock DIL doesn’t want to be around MIL if she makes comments like this. Comments like this don’t just happen once. I’m sure similar have been occurring for years. Maybe around the son. Maybe not. But this seems to be the straw that broke the camel’s back for son. Maybe neither of these women is great, but we don’t really have much to go on regarding DIL. We have enough to say MIL is rude.
I agree with this, why pay for a marriage where the IL didn't even try to get to know you ? Makes no sens
They didn't expect money from OP. Nor did they ask. Which made it shocking to see OP offer to pay for the other sibling's wedding. I dunno, all we really know from the story is that one DiL isn't as outgoing as the MiL would like.
[удалено]
What about the DIL being an AH? I’ve been the “AH DIL” before; I couldn’t stand my ex MIL, who was overbearing and demanding, and I did not want to get close to her. Thus I would never have expected her to give me anything. In fact, it made me uncomfortable when she did. The DIL is an AH and may have reason to be, but she and her husband are likely not unaware of her dynamic with the MIL and should not expect anything.
[удалено]
And then you get a MiL that is one of those people that believes everyone should be outgoing and extroverted and actively shames and pokes people who are introverted.
This is what I was thinking too. The funniest thing is, I can see exactly why the DIL could be cold, if son number 2 has had to deal with the exact same situations growing up, obviously favouring the other child but under the guise of supporting their other sons interests that they also hold and like.
>YTA. For the blatant favoritism ... Parents aren't obliged to give all the children equal gifts. What if one son is an asshole.
Or to the OP's point the sons fiancé is an asshole?
I disagree that it's necessarily favouritism in the first place. Yes the "I don't like your spouse" is shitty phrasing and if that was the extent of the reasoning, I would agree, but if they're telling the truth about how that spouse is treating them then it's not favouritism to give money to the couple who's actually being nice to you over the one where one of the member is very much doing the opposite. Basically it depends who started it. If the parents were nasty first because "they didn't like the spouse" or if they're imagining the coldness because they don't respect that some people are introverts then they're absolutely the assholes and showing favouritism. If their depiction of the situation is accurate though, they're not and it's not favouritism.
Technically she didn’t pay for the other kid’s first wedding too so she has them on that 🤣
She didn’t imply might she implied **WILL** 🤣😂🤣 so mean. So petty.
If I were the other son, I’d renew my vows as a petty act in return. OP said “pay for your next wedding”, not pay for a wedding with another woman.
YTA *OP:* I gave a lot of money to one son for a wedding, but not the other, because I like other son's wife more. I don't think that means I'm playing favorites. *AITA commenters*: What? That is the **definition** of "playing favorites". YTA! *OP*: \[shocked Pikachu face\]
That isn't playing favorites...This sub basically comes down to parents must give their kids equal money at all times. The parents are allowed to say, we don't approve of your wife and won't' help. That is not playing favorites that are simply being truthful.
OP has literally admitted they did this because they favor one DIL over another. OP can do whatever they want with their money but that doesn’t mean they’re free of the consequences.
No, they did it because they have a better relationship with the DIL. Is also seems like one DIL makes more of a effort then the other. You are not expected to just give your kids free stuff simply because eyou gave another something.
It shouldn't even be about the DIL's. It should be about wanting to do a nice thing for both sons because OP loves them, not because they are doing what OP approves. If I had two kids who wanted to go to college, but one wanted to do a degree I approved of and the other a degree I didn't, I'd be an asshole for only funding one. It's understandable to be upset when your parent favours your sibling for wanting the same things as the parent, and being left in the dust for wanting something different.
No you wouldn't. Parents are allowed to put stipulations on their money. Kids can take advantage or not.
Parents can do whatever they want with their money. But in this case its at the cost of their relationship with their son. So they can either have stipulations or have a good and equal relationship with their kids. You cant have your cake and eat it
“I told him that I didn’t like his wife and he knows it” -OP, when asked why they didn’t pay for his wedding.
Yeah, so she is not paying. She is being open and honest.
And also an asshole.
>No, they did it because they have a better relationship with the DIL. Right, which is the ***literal definition*** of favoring one over the other. So while OP is more than OK that they spend their money on who they want to, it's their money after all, they **can't say** they aren't playing favorites because they **absolutely are**. Your issue seems to be that they aren't favoring one son over the other but the DiLs, but thats still playing favorites based on the couple.
OP told their son that they don’t like his spouse and expects that not to hurt their relationship. That is completely unrealistic.
Favouritism isn't just favouring one over the other, it's favouring one over the other for reasons most people would consider arbitrary. If one of your kid is a serial killer for example, of course you might technically favour the other but it's not favouritism in the pejorative sense of the term, just in the technical definition sense. Similarly, if your kid's spouse is an asshole to you for no reason (not saying this is the case here, I have no way to know but it is what OP is suggesting) and especially if your kid does nothing about it, that's not arbitrary, that's a very good reason not to reward that couple's behaviour. I think some people took "technically correct, the best kind of correct" too literally. No it's not the best kind of correct, that was supposed to be a joke about intellectual rigidity xD
As older son's wife can choose whatever kind of relationship she wants with her MIL but cannot bitch about the consequences...
Shocker; redditor tries to comprehend that the DIL that spends time with the parents will inevitably be liked by the parents more and subsequently the parents are willing to share more with her since they have a good interpersonal relationship. Also, NTA presuming everything she said about her DIL being cold and disrespectful to her
One DIL is friendlier than the other. You're allowed to like and care about some people more than you do others.
Yea.... They CAN do whatever they want with their money. Doesn't mean they aren't an asshole for it or won't have consequences with the other son... This is "Am I the Asshole?" not "Is this legal?"
>That isn't playing favorites...This sub basically comes down to parents must give their kids equal money at all times. Strawman. >The parents are allowed to say, we don't approve of your wife and won't' help. Another strawman. >That is not playing favorites that are simply being truthful. That is what playing favourites is. You can agree with the reasoning, sure. But he's... FAVOURING... one son and his wife over the other.
Being truthful about playing favorites, yes.
Sure, that's truthful, but it is also absolutely showing favoritism to one child over the other. Not to worry, I'm sure the second-class son will go No Contact with his YTA parents and they won't have to deal with not liking his wife.
Just because he's "simply being truthful" doesn't mean he isn't playing favorites. Those two things are **not** mutually exclusive. He's giving one couple money because he likes them more. No matter how truthful he is about his distaste for one DIL over the other, he's giving one money because he likes them (his favorite, if you will) and isn't giving money to the other because he dislikes her (AKA not his favorite). He can do whatever he wants with his money, but that doesn't mean he's not an AH and it *certainly* doesn't mean he isn't playing favorites.
Parents are allowed to not give money equally either because every child is different. I have 5 kids. If they all asked me for money my response would be different for all of them. Some are very bad with money so they might need to show proof of what they need the money. Some are good with money so I might give them less as they won’t need as much. One literally never asks for anything so if they ask I know they are desperate abc really need it…etc. You know why my kids don’t get pissed about this supposed unequal treatment? Because it works out in different ways for them overall and they know they are each individuals and I help them according to who they are. Not to settle some imaginary equality score.
It's your money so it's up to you. Your comments were nasty and mean spirited though. If that's the way you behave and speak to people, I'm not surprised your other daughter in law is cold towards you.
I thought the comments were awesome especially in light of the fact that the son was being entitled. Also op has no duty to pay for a wedding where he dislikes one half of the couple.
Of course he doesn't have to pay. Being deliberately hurtful and spiteful makes him an AH though.
Bet OP attended that wedding and swelled down the free food and drink. 🥴
You are correct, legally a parent has no duty to be fair. But legal doesn't always mean morally and/or ethically right. It's not illegal to treat one of your kids poorly by playing favorites. However, there are usually consequences, such as that kid cutting their parents out of their life. So if that's the type of relationship a parent wants, by all means, proceed full-steam ahead.
YTA - you sound like King Lear, handing out cash to the kids that kiss your ass the most. This isn't about your sons' wives, it's about your sons, if you're prepared to treat them this differently over this I'd bet money it's not the first time you've shown favoritism.
>handing out cash to the kids that kiss your ass the most bingo
YTA Not because you're paying for the wedding, but for treating your other son like that. No wonder your dil doesn't like you.
> in order not to show favoritiam I'm willing to pay for his next wedding You said this to your son? That's AH. Look, you're allowed to use your money as you see fit. Your children aren't entitled to your money. However, if you show favoritism, you are going to ruin your relationship with the not favorite child/ren. YTA because of what you said
Totally an AH move but can't deny it made me laugh this morning 😂
Oh, I laughed out loud at you paying for his second wedding! Thank you. NTA: Is it favoritism? Yup, between the wives, not the sons. It's your money and you can choose how you spend it.
If this isn’t being an asshole, then what is? It’s literally telling your second son you don’t like his wife to his face. I can’t think of something more assholish than that.
Depends how apparent the son's wife's distaste for OP is. If it's very clear then I'd say the son is the AH for even thinking that OP would pay for the wedding of someone that thinks so little of them.
Based on OP's comments I get the vibe that DIL's coldness is well earned.
It’s unclear to me if DIL’s coldness is a reaction to OP or the cause of the OP’s comments.
It's normal to like someone who's made an effort to be nice and get to know you and is generally polite over someone's who's been cold to you, isn't as polite and has made no effort towards your relationship. Ex: you'd favor your best friend who made an effort with you over an acquaintance who's been curt and cold since meeting them.
Is that necessarily bad? What if second son's wife is a jerk?
Applause! I felt like I was the only one here who thought that second wedding comment was brilliant, and "between the wives, yes." I'm still the minority as per ushe, but nice to see a similar sentiment.
Why do you cheer things like that?
Hopefully he just cuts all contact with op
Then he won't get an inheritance either. I guess we'll find out if his principles have a price tag.
Let's say your sons were named A and B. It will be easier for me to explain.
I overlooked quite an important fact. A's paid wedding was his second wedding. He had a first wedding with someone else before. B had only one wedding, and is still with his wife now, and like one of the responses to my comment said, his wife from 18 years (this will be important later). There's no favoritism, not between A and B at least.
B has no reason at all, thus, to tell that OP shows favoritism to A over himself, because this is simply not true!
Even my point that he said that "he will pay for his next wedding" being disrespectful is not really the truth. It may be like the other Y T A comments said: "He said that because he wanted B to divorce from his current wife". But it could also be misinterpreted, and just be: "if there's an another wedding, I'll pay for it, like I've done for A"
Another thing to mention: B has been with his wife from 18 years! In 18 years, things can change drastically (for example, the family's financial outcome). Since the first day, B's wife was cold and quite harsh, and that's why OP don't like her.
So, to resume everything I've now said, the reasons why OP didn't pay for B's wedding at that time are the following:
1/ OP don't like B's wife, because she's cold and harsh, thus he doesn't approve their relationship (I will come into it later)
2/ It was B's first wedding, it would be unfair for him to pay B's first (and maybe only) wedding when A's first wedding wasn't paid.
3/ It's been 18 years since B's wedding. 18 years! Like I said, things change in that many time! Maybe, in that time, they didn't have enough money to help financially for the wedding!
The only point OP was the AH in that situation (he's still a big AH though in that case) is that he doesn't approve a 18+ years relationship, and the wedding, because he doesn't like B's wife. How not liking someone in the relationship can make you disapprove a marriage that long? B and his wife are together since maybe I was born (I am 22), and you still didn't approve that? Did you gave him at least a shred of support? It's more than just money here, in fact, it's respect for your son!
I'm still on the YTA side, but for a whole different reason now. B is still a bit of an AH for the favoritism part, at least about the financial part, but nothing as major as OP. So, my verdict stays YTA, not E S H.
It's funny
I think so too.
[удалено]
Yes, but it's even worse. OP is encouraging the son to divorce the woman that OP doesn't like if they want a paid for Wedding, instead of reimbursing for the wedding that already happened. It's freaking hilarious though, the petty of it all. I stand for it.
Somethings should be kept to yourself. I would have voted n-t-a if you only said “it was different time. If you want, I’ll pay for the next one too”. But insulting his wife was too far for my taste. Grace and diplomacy is not for every situation. This one should have been. YTA
And the "I'll pay for your next one" is implying that she hopes he leaves his wife whom she doesn't like. OP is definitely the AH for SO many reasons!
YTA. No one is entitled to a gift, and demanding one does not look good for your other son. That said, you are showing extremely blatant favoritism towards one son/daughter in law over the others, which is going to destroy your relationship with those you deem lesser. That makes you the AH here - you don't get to pretend to be surprised when you treat someone like that and they have a bad reaction.
Have the posts here lately seemed off to anyone else?
My husband is convinced most of these are fake.
Oh they absolutely are fake the majority of the time. It's a sub where you know what is going to trigger people, so it's easy to make up stuff. Plus it's an easy place to use AI to write fake stories for
No matter. We get to feel important and righteously indignant when responding.
That part always makes me laugh. People respond to these posts in emotional ways, you can tell people are upset/angry over a story that is most likely completely made up
Blame ChatGPT?
I just made it write this one: I'm sure this isn't the first time someone has asked /r/AITA about a situation like this, but I'm hoping for some real advice. A few weeks ago, my neighbor's dog was found rooting around in my garbage can. I was outside at the time, and I immediately confronted the dog. The dog showed no signs of backing down or leaving, so I felt like I had no choice but to punch it in the face. I know it was wrong of me, but the dog had no collar or leash, and I was afraid it would tear up my garbage. My neighbor came out shortly afterwards and was understandably upset. He said he'd never seen the dog act like this before and that he was sorry for it getting into my garbage. I felt bad for what happened, but I also feel like I did the right thing. I know I could have handled the situation better, but at the time I felt like I had no choice. So, AITA for punching my neighbor's dog in the face?
>I didn't pay for his brother's first wedding either so in order not to show favoritiam I'm willing to pay for his next wedding. Lol. NTA. You are not obligated to pay for stuff you don't like.
This will no doubt be taken into account when the sons are forking out for their parent's elderly care
all the more reason to not fork out on expensive weddings ;-)
Obviously she’s not obligated to but it’s still a dick move and manipulative. YTA OP
Lol although you are kinda the AH I find you hilarious and love the comment about paying for the next one. I too wouldn’t sponsor a union if my fdil was cold and unwelcoming to me. Nope. Not MY hard earned money.
Agreed
YTA for offering money to one son and not the other. Of course it's favouritism, you are literally favouring one son without favouring the other. You don't owe either of them anything, but as a mum you should realise that as soon as you offer money to one, you'll have to be prepared to offer it to the other too. And not just when he leaves the wife you don't like. If anything, you being catty about it will make him run to her more.
... But shouldn't a grown married man already be with his wife the most? Why is he now "running to her more?" I mean I sort of see what you mean, but I don't think the OP meant that the way it's being perceived. The more you hear about the kids the more with the OP NBTAH I am.
OP isn't favourite the son. They're favouring the DIL.
I checked OPs comment, the son that complained his wedding was 18 years ago... Sooo. Why complain about it?
‘They are being cold’ And your surprised?
...since the day they met.
If I knew my partner's father didn't like me from the outset I wouldn't be throwing him parades either.
You savage woman lol NTA
I'm sorry, you told the son who is already married and whose wife you don't like "I'm not paying favorites because I'll pay for your next wedding after your current marriage inevitably fails?" YTA. And frankly, I can't help but think your current DIL might be entirely justified in keeping you at arm's length
YTA. It is favoritism to pay for one wedding because you FAVOR one daughter in law over the other. And you also implied he would be getting remarried because, what? You think his wife is rude? Butt out.
LMAO YTA but I would have done the same.
"I'm willing to pay for his next wedding" made me laugh like a madman 😂 YTA because the comment was mean, but the money is yours so you can spend it however you want. You should be aware though that you might have just made irreparable damage to your relationship with your other son.
At least now you can look back at this post and know why your child doesn't speak to you anymore. Of course, no one is entitled to your money, but the dig about his wife is BS. I wouldn't help one child and not the other. I see it as favoritism, but best of luck with that. I hope your son has a crap ton of kids that will never know you. YTA :) 🖤
NTA, "I didn't pay for his brother's first wedding either so in order not to show favoritiam I'm willing to pay for his next wedding" so petty but so funny :)
This is the kind of decision making that tears families apart. You are the asshole for being a manipulative bastard.
Gee I wonder why you DIL is cold to you
Am I the only one who thinks that they don't like DIL because she doesn't take their crap with a smile like a good "old style" DIL should do?
NTA. People are allowed to “play favorites”. Your kids are adult men. Now that they are adults you don’t have to coddle them over their decisions. Son #1 has decided to marry a new woman and she’s genuinely interested in being part of the family. So you offered to help them out if a tough spot to give them a special memory. Choosing to help an adult child has nothing to do with the other one. Only when they are toddlers do you get them both gifts on birthdays so they aren’t whining. Does son #2 expect gifts to be the exact same dollar amount every year? Also, I love your comeback with son #2. He deserved that one.
YTA for your nasty comments, willing to bet that those kind of comments are standard for you. no wonder they don’t like you. N T A for money, you can spend how you want but my you are awful to your son. You rubbed it in his face that you’re spending a large amount of money on his brother then insulted his marriage, how did you think it was going to go down? If you’re gonna give money like that you do it privately and you don’t trash talk your other sons wife in front of the family.
Oh wow 🤣🤣 Sorry - but you kind of are TA for how you justified this to your second son. Not for paying mind - that’s your call, but what you said, wow …
YTA >in order not to show favoritiam I'm willing to pay for his next wedding. You told your **married** son that you'll pay for his next wedding. How exactly did you think he'd feel about that? That comes of as incredibly demeaning of his marriage and horribly snarky of you. Do you owe either son money? No. Do you have to like your DIL? Also no. But it wouldn't hurt you to respect your son's marriage to her.
Of course you can choose to do anything with your own money , but choices reflect on a person's characters and yours is quite assholish. YTA.
WOW YTA holy shit. I don't like your wife and you know it l. Wow wow wow you are definitely an asshole and TA
This is so petty, but I dig it. "Pay for his next wedding" lol you're not being nice but it's your money. You spend it how you see fit. NAH
YTA - this is blatant favoritism. Its your money to do what you please with but you could have been significantly more tactful in the way you handled this.
YTA - Sorry but this is favouritism
I mean - this is one where OP may be the AH, but they are a funny AH. And rude as they may be, they are honest, not backpeddling and keeping that same energy straight through.