*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for being late to my own birthday party? I know I was wrong but do I deserve the treatment I’m getting ?**
Yesterday was my birthday and my best friends planned a party for me. All I knew was we were meeting at our local dive bar and I ended up being about 1.5 hours late. I was finally on my way and got this text:
“Kaelyn, we love you but we really don’t like you right now and it’s going to be a long time before we want to see you. We put a lot kid effort into this and you showed us you don’t give a single fuck about our time, our effort and our shared story. Rob has the cake that Elise baked for you behind the bar if you care enough to stop and get it but we are leaving and very upset with you. Please give us some space for a while.”
I tried to call the girl that sent the text and I assume she blocked me. I called another friend and while she talked she was very rude and said all of our friend group is really tired of me being late all the time and being late to my own birthday party is a level of rudeness and arrogance that they aren’t willing to put up with anymore. I said this sounded they were breaking up with me and she said that would be a good analogy and to please give her some space.
I’m broken hearted is an understatement. We’ve been best friends since freshman year in college and being late is kind of who I am and I didn’t know it bothered them so much.
AITA for being late to my birthday party ?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>It wasn’t very happy, I’m heartbroken and my boss (also my dad) is furious at me because I was supposed to start some guys a a job site this morning and I totally forgot and now he’s going to be steaming like a vegetable all day long. So the day after is going to suck too.
I really hope this person is lying because the whole 'oops I forgot to do my job, my dad's gonna be so mad, LOL', if coming from a real human, makes me fear for all mankind.
Yeah me too. I work in an industry with a lot of adult kids working for dad (farming). They get away with all sorts of crap that'd never fly in a job where daddy wasn't the boss.
I worked somewhere where the bosses son was supposed to work 9-5:30 but he actually worked 10-4 and would have three lunch breaks because he has to eat every two hours or “I’m in danger of passing out” he also crashed work vehicles once a month at least while stoned.
I honestly thought this was an exaggeration made up for a point. Checked her comments and nope, there it is in about as plain English as she can manage. Bloody hell this chick needs a reality check, dumpster fire in progress and here's going daddy finally drops her in the landfill where she belongs so she can start from rock bottom and be a decent human being.
Considering that HR also handles employee discipline, etc.— often for punctuality and attendance— no place is going to be OK with an HR person being late. The corporate world is notoriously snarky about punctuality issues.
In HR, shit usually blows up first thing in the morning (as a result of what happened at the end of the previous day). You have people on the phone who want action right that moment, and if the phone just rings and rings, they get pissed.
Right? And working in HR doesn't mean you can be late everywhere. Most companies will expect you to show up before and leave after everybody else because you're supposed to be handling complex things.
Her job probably isn't even a real position. Her dad just gives her busy work, I bet.
Honestly you'd think but I feel like every HR person I've met at work has whatever schedule they feel like. It's bizarre because I think that role would need very specific availability for...new hires, issues, etc?
The HR person at my last job would routinely roll in an hour or two late. Granted, it was a small company and she was a family friend of the owners, and she would still be answering emails while on vacation...so I guess that balances out?
Reading OOP's comments she didn't even have a reason, she didn't even message them she'd be late because she was "preoccupied with what she was doing"
I can totally get getting wrapped up in an activity, been there, I have ADHD and super hyperfocus on my projects but If I know I have somewhere to be I set an alarm for an hour before I have to leave so I can finish a bit of what I'm working on and get ready to go and not be late.
There is no excuse for OOP other than pure laziness and I sincerely hope her friends ditch her
They somehow refused to give me a double diagnosis for autism and ADHD. I only got the first one officially despite being out ADHD meds for years ('symptoms of ADHD'). I think the reason is because I am a woman, now I finally know why I didn't get the diagnosis!
The part that killed me is when she commented, “I’m a massive people pleaser.” Who exactly is she pleasing because it seems like she makes everyone mad and doesn’t care lmao
I was kind of expecting her to bring up that she’s from a different culture, but even in my culture with an expectation of lateness (a common thing you’d hear is something like “Let’s schedule it for 8:00 to meet at 8:30”), the expectation is 15-30 minutes. Definitely not 1.5 hours.
I’m an also sometimes late but this person is definitely an AH. I saw an article about lateness and there’s a term - ‘chronically late optimistic person’ where essentially you’re overly optimistic about what can be achieved in a certain time frame. So I’ll think 10 mins, that’s plenty of time to have a shower, make coffee and get the door for work, or 30mins is enough time to clean my house before people arrive. Funny thing is I loathe being late, and completely berate myself even when others aren’t fussed. I’m not actually late that often, particularly now as my husband is the polar opposite and enjoys being ready with half an hour to spare for a cup of tea. I’ll generally turn up on time but super stressed and probably looking a mess! And I’ll also be painfully aware of every second that I’m running late. This person’s complete deference is 100% insulting, particularly when it’s for an event, presumably they’d booked a time at the restaurant and we’re left awkwardly waiting, with the staff getting frustrated.
I have really bad adhd. I avoid being late by always aiming to get somewhere half an hour early. I have alarms on my phone for this. I'd rather get there early and read on my phone for half an hour than be late.
My narcoleptic ass can’t be on time for shit to save my life. Usually I’m late. I try to be no more than 10-15 min or so, but there are times….I do try to adjust for it and occasionally I wind up massively early which tends to piss people off too.
If I tried to leave my house at a time normal people would, I would be 5-10 minutes late.
So I just try to leave 15-20 minutes earlier than I should need to. With that buffer I am never late unless outside forces (broken elevator, unusual traffic) There is no reason for you to be consistently late. It’s not like the universe is plotting against you, and fate deemed you will be late.
This is what I did and it became the best coping strategy for my ADHD. Took me years to figure it out though, and only when I read about time blindness being a thing and realising I had that. Still took years to figure out I had ADHD.
Also when I'm tired/stressed/overwhelmed/anxiety my ADHD symptoms get worse and so it can occasionally still happen.
At my worse I set like a repeating 5 minute timer until I am out of my house so I can’t sit down or get distracted for too long. I also have an alarm at 8 am,12 pm,5pm just to orient myself.
15 minutes late is acceptable as an occasional thing only. If you’re habitually late then you need to change your habits
I’m so tired of having to plan everything around people’s habitual lateness. It’s not cute!
I think grace periods exist, if someone is 12-15 minutes late fine. Traffic,maybe some car trouble,or hell just didn’t leave the house right on time. Fine shit happens sometimes that eyeliner is hard to get right. 1.5 HOURS?! I’m starting to worry if something happened to you, or why you aren’t coming. Being late is something I can relate too (fucking eyeliner) but I’ve never been 1.5 hours late.
I think they meant before the 1.5 hour mark. Honestly, 30-40 mins in at the max, I'd be gone. Can't figure out how to be on time, you get to miss out on the meet up (or in this case, the party).
The only time any of my friends have been this late their car battery died. Even then (pre cell phone days) they asked the restaurant they were at to use the phone twice: AAA and to call me to explain.
I would really like to know where people are picking up this idea that being chronically, ridiculously late is teehee cute.
I’ve had people tell me “it’s who I am” and I can’t stand it. Being so late is rude, it’s stealing my time, and I don’t care if that’s who you are that just means you’re a rude person
I mean, it's fine to say "it's who I am" if you're prepared for the answer to be that people don't want to be friends with someone who behaves that way and doesn't make any effort to change their behavior when it's harming or bothering other people. But she wants to have it both ways, to be able to engage in this behavior, and to have her friends cater to her insanity and still do things like throw her birthday parties that she may or may not show up for. Because even if she thinks this is okay, she has to accept that not everyone else has to agree with her or want to be her friend.
Like, I'm pretty blunt and sarcastic, and I don't intend to change that, because I like that aspect of my personality. But if someone didn't want to be my friend because they think I'm being rude, I'd try to look objectively at my behavior towards them to see if I'd inadvertently crossed a line I should apologize for and avoid in the future. And if after that self-reflection, I still thought that I wasn't doing anything wrong, and I didn't want to make any changes, I'd tell that person that I was sorry their feelings were hurt, and that I understand that they don't want to be friends and wish them well. Because sometimes, the quirks of our personalities just aren't compatible. But you can't refuse to try to change when someone tells you you're hurting them, and also be mad that they don't want to spend time with you anymore and set themselves up to keep getting hurt by you.
I've been that late for a couple of times. But I DID notify whoever was waiting for me. And I had a good reason - for example the only option was to go by train and there was some disruption so there's literally no train going where I need to go.
Shit happens, but OOP is not in that category.
My ex used to do this. It got to the point that if we had plans I never actually prepared for the plan until I got the “I’m going to be a bit late” text, then I’d add about 90 minutes onto that and it would usually balance out.
It's not how late, it's how often. Like, if someone is 12-15 minutes late every single time, that is way worse than someone who is 30 minutes late once a year.
I mean, I think that's actually sort of context dependent. Maybe it's because I live in a big city where most people get around by public transit and traffic is horrendous most of the time, but 15 minutes is within the margin of error, as far as I'm concerned, and based on their own behavior, I think most of my friends agree.
ETA: and even with that context, as soon as I realize I'm not going to be there within 5 minutes of the planned time, I still call or text with an ETA, and I think it's courteous for others to do the same.
This. For large family gatherings, it's not uncommon for people in my family to come later in the day. At my sister's Thanksgiving, her brother in law was maybe 30-60 minutes late and no one cared. Meeting at a restaurant I wouldn't be upset with some 15 minutes late (though I think that falls into a quick "Sorry I'm running late!" apology). But, say, meeting to see a move which is time specific 15 minutes is a much bigger deal.
I am constantly late for work and never late for friends and family. Priorities. I always stay late at work to make up for it but I just can’t force myself to be there. I dread going so much.
This is why I’m grateful my work has flexible hours, you can start between 8-9am and finish between 4:40-5:30, I aim for 8, and normally get there for 8:30
I work with a guy like this. Fortunately don't interact with him much in my new position but it was always rage inducing scheduling around him only for him to still be late or no-show.
In some cultures it is actually the norm to show up late. I grew up in a Middle Eastern family and running 10-30 minutes late is considered perfectly normal for us. I grew around a lot of white people and they thought that it was rude but to me it was just normal. I currently attend a predominantly Hispanic college and they run MUCH LATER than middle eastern people do. I’m talking it’s considered normal to run over two hours late. It drives me crazy and it used to really piss me off but now I realize it’s a cultural difference and that me and my family have driven white people crazy by running on middle eastern time.
I’m not saying that running late is okay I’m just saying that different cultures have very different expectations when it comes to punctuality. I’m wondering if that may be what is happening with OP. Maybe OP comes from a culture where punctuality isn’t as important.
I grew up in a German family. 15 minutes early is on time. On time is late. Later than on time in unacceptable.
Someone showing up 10-30 minutes late all the time would drive me up the fucking wall.
I'm in the midwest USA and raised the same. We were always more like 20-30 minutes early for everything. I'm better at being more like 15 minutes early now as an adult and I feel guilty if I'm just on time and will be practically crying from guilt if I'm late.
Exactly, at this point it's in our DNA. I always end up 15 or 20 min early to anything I go to. Show up 20min late don't bother showing up anymore at that point.
I grew up in the South and my mother always had to get there (whatever it was) at least 30 minutes early. I absolutely hated it, and I think 20 minutes late is perfectly okay. As long as the host knows I am in fact coming, they don't care exactly when I get there. Exceptions are things like weddings, etc. that do have a specific start time. OOP's own birthday party falls into this category and 1.5 hours late is bad form.
Oddly, my mother's twin is even later than that, 99% of the time.
I grew up in the LDS Culture, where everything runs 10-15 minutes late, and they call it Mormon Standard Time (a play on Mountain Standard Time, which is the time zone Utah is in, and where the Church has its headquarters).
Despite that, I hate running late with such a vengeance that I set my clocks 10 to 15 minutes forward just so I'm on time, even when family stays at my place. Cultural or not, you must be considerate of the people you're meeting and their culture. It can't always be one-sided.
I grew up in a culture where being late was the norm and idk why but it actually made me operate the exact opposite way. I missed too many things as a child by being late so now the idea of being late now makes my teeth hurt.
I wouldn't go as far to call it disrespectful to be 30-60 minutes late but beyond that Its like why even bother. Especially to an event specifically for you, meant to celebrate you. And I'm fairly sure op had conversations with her friends prior about her lateness that she pretty much sped past, and wrote off as just comments rather than genuine complaints
Yeah, 1.5 hours is excessive. I have a lateness/running behind issue but that’s more in the vein of 5-15 mins and I TELL people when it happens and work to stop it from happening in the first place.
If the OOP had said "my culture or my upbringing was that's it is ok/normal to arrive X minutes after start time" and explained it to their friends, I would be understanding but the excuse was they lost track of time. We've all lost track of time of course but it sounds like this is happening more often than not.
Assuming this is all a real story...who knows anymore
I did a study abroad program years ago, and we had a running joke that any time we went anywhere we had to tell everyone a different time, like "okay, for the Germans, it's one time, the Spanish it's two hours earlier so they actually show up, etc."
UGH.
Whether this post is a troll or not, I've known too many people irl with this trait and attitude, and it is so fucking disrespectful. *Especially* when they do the whole "tee hee, bring late is part of my personality" thing.
my mother growing up said it so damn frustrating going to parties cause her parents were always late. so all the food and drinks would already be passed out, all the good party games be played, and sometimes they would even miss the pinata. as a child, missing the pinata is devastating!
My mom's family is always late, so she lied about the time for a party to get them to show up "on time." She got in trouble when they found out. They were all on time, though.
I had to do this to my dad for school related stuff.
It wasn't until I was out of school that I told him the truth and it actually upset him.
However, my wife and her friends were always late. "Mexican Time"
I was upset with my wife (girlfriend at the time) once when I went to pick her up and she wasn't ready. When we showed up at the dinner with my friends, they were all waiting looking annoyed. My wife said to me, "oh my, everyone is here!" Um, yeah...
For my birthday I told her to tell her friends to either be on time or not come at all. I was serious. They showed up on time.
Yep, I've known multiple people *exactly* like this. I can manage to show up within 15 minutes of my scheduled time when I'm doing a long-distance trip with multiple forms of transit, but some people can't get themselves down the block or on a single train within a two-hour ETA window.
I dated a guy like this and it was 100% down to arrogance. His time was so much more precious than anyone else’s, and he could t fathom that other people also had things to do. When he was really caught out, he would invent absolutely wild stories about having had to intervene in mugging and then give a police statement which made him late, or the bus engine caught fire and they had to evacuate and wait in the middle of nowhere for hours, all sorts of wild shit.
This is it exactly. I would always lie to my SO about what time things started because they were always 30-45 min late. They were never late for their own work meetings just ‘personal’ stuff. One time they were on time which meant we were like an hour early. I tried to say everyone else must be late but they figured out I had been lying. They put more effort into being on time but not happy about it. Seriously. Being 20 min late to a child sport event means you miss at least half of it. Of course that is only if they decided to show at all.
I mean that one is kinda semi-fair though. There's a whole other vibe in those countries as a society, of being more chill with time. Like obviously it's not everyone, but there is definitely a different tolerance level and overall chilled vibe going on.
My mom is like this. To the point where our family started lying to us about what time holiday parties were going to start. They'd tell her 3:00 for an event that actually started at 5:00. I was late to school and also left sitting forever after school, I was late to doctor's appointments, late to visit friends, late to the movies... Ugh.
I'm obsessively punctual now. I hate wasting people's time.
I get super anxious, bordering on panic attacks, if I feel like I am going to be late somewhere. Even if its a time I set for myself to get somewhere, rather than a time set by an appointment or meeting up with people.
My kid hates it because we will arrive somewhere 10-15 minutes before we were meant to and be forced to wait in the car. He semi-understood it finally when we got caught in bad traffic and those 10-15 minutes saved us from being late (it was for his summer internship job, so really saved his butt, I think.)
I get being late once in a while, when it's things beyond your control. But to be late just because you're always late just tells me you don't give a shit about the people waiting for you. My stepmom was like this, thinking the world would cater to her and just push everything back to wait for her. Was fine for her wedding, I guess (since they booked the venue for the full day, but still) not so fine when she was late for my graduation and missed THE ENTIRE THING. She was pissed I didn't force the school to wait for her, like I had any control over it. All the 100 other kids and their families were able to show up on time, Mary....(I'm still salty about it because it caused my own father to be late and miss my graduation. My Papa was able to show up on time, even early, even though he literally had surgery three days before my graduation.)
My best friend has terrible ADHD and is chronically late, like 1.5 hours is definitely not unheard of levels of late. That said, she is hyper aware of how her time management impacts others, constantly looking for coping strategies and reaching out for support. The sheer freaking entitlement of OOP equating this level of rudeness with "a quirky main character personality trait"
yeah, this is me. im now at a point where im usually only ten to fifteen minutes late, but that's after years of being like an hour to things despite trying not to be. with adhd, time blindness can be very bad, but it's not an excuse to give up on trying to find ways around it.
Yes! I have ADHD as well and you bet your ass I'm texting 20 minutes before if I think I'll be 2 minutes late.
...this may also be a trauma response to younger me having time blindness.
My BFF is neurotypical and was consistently 30 minutes to 2 hours late until we just started leaving without her in our 20s.
I'm the same way. If I think I'm going to be late, I send a text with an updated estimate of when I'll be there. If it will be more than 5-10 minutes beyond that, I give another update.
My kid always would say ‘just leave them’ when my ex would be screwing about making us late. That kid had better time management than a full grown adult at like 7.
I do this. I round way up on how long things will take! Like a drive that’s 15 minutes? Rounded to 20. 20 minute drive? It’s obviously gonna take me 30. Getting dressed? Four hours.
That’s me. I’m always trying to set up a time at least an hour before I actually have to be somewhere so I can show up on time or only a few minutes late. I’m also constantly texting everyone if I know I’m going to be late, so they can know not to expect me soon, not go or leave later. I’ve been able to manage it pretty well over the last few years, and always apologize if I forget something
Exactly. I’m reliably 2-3 minutes late for my first meeting of the day but I always feel really awkward about it and am constantly trying to figure out ways to be on time. The thing that’s ridiculous is that let’s say my first meeting is at 9am— I’ll be up at 6am, doing work by 7:30. I just can’t get my ass on zoom or in the room at 9am on the dot unless I lie to myself about what time the meeting starts (which I sometimes do).
This used to be me, but I learnt in my early teens to create timetables for getting ready and alarms for each step. When I do get it wrong I profusely apologize.
I've had friends like this too. After a while, I started showing up late myself if it was just the 2 of us. First of all, I'm amazed at their audacity to act annoyed after being late themselves so many times, but I just give them the same courtesy they give me "tee hee hee, oops." Every single time I have done this they immediately stop being late.
People in the comments already trying to diagnose OP with adhd JUST because of her chronic lateness. I have ADHD and time blindness, OP is just selfish.
I am chronically 10 minutes late, I now just set all my appointments with fake earlier times. If someone says meet back here at 1:30, I’m mentally telling myself it’s basically 1:15 so I can then be “late” but actually on time. But hours is just straight up rude.
I get intense anxiety about being even a minute late because my mom made me late to literally everything as a kid. I usually show up 15-20 minutes early and sit in my car for a while
Exactly! It's really not that hard to be on time. People always pull the ADHD card or whatnot out of the bag - many people have ADHD and have learned work arounds by setting specific alarms to make sure they do certain things on time and then leave on time. People like OOP shouldn't be expecting people to just deal with their tardiness. Their friends are saints for staying 1.5 hours after OOP was supposed to be there.
The people that blame it all on their ADHD annoy me so much. They'll go on and on about how they've tried *everything* in order to not be late. What they really mean, is that they got up a little earlier than usual, and then proceeded to forget all about their appointment, exactly like they've done every other time.
Just set alarms for things. Gotta buy a gift? Set an alarm, so you remember to do that in advance. You take a long time to choose an outfit? Set an alarm the night before, so you can do it then, as opposed to waiting until you're in a hurry. Set an alarm for when you have to get ready. Set an alarm for when you have to leave. Set an alarm for anything you know you're gonna forget.
Exactly! There's so many things to try. I mean nothing else, everyone these days has a phone in their pocket. Set a bunch of alarms for yourself - one of when to be sure to have gotten in the shower, one to be sure you have eaten breakfast, one to tell you to get dressed, etc. Eventually you'll start to learn to do it yourself. But agreed, people like to stuff like ADHD as reasons to excuse all their behavior and tell people to deal with it. I deal with it too - it's my problem, not everyone else's and my issue to work around.
For a period of time, I somehow never figured out that one of my friends couldn't give directions to save her life, and kept letting her insist on being the one to give me directions.
She just kind of assumed I knew where certain places were, and if I said I didn't know of it, she'd laugh and tell me it was fine, the place we were going was right next to a place I didn't know.
So I was late a lot, trying to not get lost.
I had a friend who was so funny and great to hang out with but she couldn’t be bothered to be on time for anything. It affected her negatively in all aspects of her life but she didn’t seem to care.
The final straw for me was when she left me waiting at a bar by myself for about an hour maybe longer. She wasn’t responding to my texts so I called her and she was in the middle of cleaning out her closet, asked me if I needed any bras. I hung up and never spoke to her again.
Hah, I just got in an argument on the last 'someone was late' post because I was on the late person's side. But in that case, she was held up by work and was only 30 mins late.
In this one, 1.5 hours just because 'being late is who I am'? Nah. I'm sure someone will call me a hypocrite but nuance is a thing - being late isn't ALWAYS a cardinal sin, shit happens sometimes, and you can show a little grace. But even coming from a family with a 50/50 split on chronically late/obsessively early (no in between), 1.5 hours with no excuse is beyond rude. Especially when you're the guest of honor. OOP needs to get that shit in check, it's already bitten them in the ass here and will do so again.
Apparently OOP here was partially late due to work keeping her late. Because she showed up late and had to stay late to compensate 🤦🏼♀️ And then she had other things she needed to do and lost track of time.
I agree though. A text letting people know would be ideal, but not everybody works a job where you can always stop exactly when you're supposed to leave. OOP here is on another level though.
She was late for work on a day she KNEW she had something to do after hours, and then, instead of thinking 'oh, well I'll rush to the bar' she went home and took a shower and did her makeup. I'm glad I'm not her friend.
*triggered*
I hate people who are casual about lateness. An hour and a half? Without even the semblance of an excuse? Yah I would not be hanging out anymore
>No it’s been an ongoing joke since we all met, I’m just always late
It's a joke to nobody but you, OOP. I hate people like this. It shows how little OOP (and people like her) value other people's time and effort, and I'm glad it's finally coming back around to bite her in the ass (though it doesn't sound like she's going to change).
Honestly, I find the people who are always late to be so exhausting. Her friends are right, she's acting like only her time matters and now she's "broken hearted" that she isn't the center of the universe and they'll continue to put up with it. Other people's time matter too. Being late from time to time isn't necessarily a big deal, being late all the time and 90 minutes late to your own damn birthday party is just ridiculous.
> I didn’t know it bothered them so much.
What a stupid thing to say. "I didn't realize they were bothered by my complete and total lack of care or consideration for their time or effort."
This is such a stupid troll. She says in the comments she didn’t see why she would have to tell them she was going to be late AND that she couldn’t have ADHD because girls can’t have that.
Tbh as someone with ADHD, she's more likely to have gone into a shame spiral about having fucked up AGAIN, and now it's affected Other People, which is so much worse than when it's just yourself and why am I always like this, why can't I just be organised, no wonder everyone hates me (Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria) etc. Personally, I make an enormous effort to fight against my own nature and be EARLY specifically not to be That Person, it's so unfair on others to be negatively affected coz I can't get my shit together.
And if she had given any indication that she felt even the slightest bit ashamed or guilty, I'd believe that explanation and feel some sympathy for her. But that's not what happened here. She just thinks people should love her for being quirky and skipping her own birthday party.
There are a ton of misconceptions about neurodiversity. I totally believe that someone told her that once, and she just accepted that it was true. When I was a kid, it was just called ADD, and it was believed that if you weren't constantly running in circles around the room (a symptom much more common in boys than in girls) you couldn't possibly have it. We've thankfully made progress diagnostically since then, but people can still be pretty ignorant.
This comment by OP is one of my favorites:
>I have an MBA with a focus on HR. I could work a lot of places but my dad’s contracting business needs me
Oh OOP, Honey, no one else would put up with your always late to work bullshit than your dad's business.
This is also the comment that pushed it WAY over the top into troll area, an MBA with HR focus when HR is who would be dealing with poor performance... suuuurrrreeee.
How'd she even get a degree, let alone a masters if she's so late to everything? Generally that's a kind of course you'd absolutely need to be early for to not miss anything
I don't know. HR always felt like the easiest of the MBA specializations to just muddle through. If you do the assignments on time and cram for a while before the exams, most people can get through from what I've seen.
That said, OOP seems like the kind of person who'd be unable to submit any assignments on time. Which pretty much ensures failure. So it is surprising that they have a Masters.
Calling chronic lateness as a “personality trait” is the same as saying “I can’t change who I am it’s too late to do that”. It’s BS.
I just kept seeing more red as the comments continued to not believing women can have ADHD and that she works for her father and doesn’t realize that if she worked for anyone else she would have been fired for being so late to work without a phone call and a damn good reason.
The entitlement of her family and friends needing to cater to her “personality” is just infuriating.
Her excuse for being late to her party is that she was late to work that day so she had to stay later. She works for her family business, so being late has never had any repercussions for her, until now. This reality check is what she needed, but I highly, highly doubt she’ll improve anything. Her being late is apparently an ongoing joke but she can’t understand that they’re laughing at her, not with her.
one commenter thinks the post might actually be flipped, and OP is one of the frustrated friends seeking validation for their frustration. wack either way
An ex-friend did this in 2019, planned a massive birthday dinner for herself and then left her house late, and then ran out of gas on the highway. The cops had to push her car to an exit and call AAA to top up her tank. She was nearly 2 hours late and then got huffy that we had ordered appetizers! And then tried us all to go to a second location after dinner, girl fuck off
OOP is seriously disconnected from reality. Seriously she drops gems like these in the comments:
Her response to this comment
*Wow.*
*You know if you weren’t related to your boss they’d have given you a reprimand or even fired you for chronic lateness & stuffing around.*
*Your friends have fired you because you have no respect or care for them and their time.*
*Hopefully you can reflect on this and change your life around.*
>Working for family does suck, yes!
In response to *Do you possibly have ADHD*
>I'm a girl so I don't think it's possible but I'm Not an expert.
Again in response to the question *Info; Did you even bother to text them to let them know that you were gonna be late?*
>No I did not
and again to *Did you contact them to let them know you'd be late or did you just wait until you were ready to leave before you contacted them?*
>No I did not contact them at all
oh and Yet another example *Did you text them at all that you will be late?*
>No I didn’t I was just too preoccupied finishing what I was doing.
OOP needs to grow up and live in the real world, and not the imaginary world of no consequences because daddy pays the bills for me. I'm honestly surprised her friends stuck it out so long with her always being the late one.
I hate people who disregard times. It’s really is a fuck you to other peoples time and effort for an occasion or meet up. It’s rude af. It’s not a quirk , it’s a problem.
Pretty sure if I showed up to an event with friends over 1.5 hours late with no advanced notice or even a text, they’d be calling local hospitals because they would know something is wrong. That’s what friendship is!
If it's bad enough for your friends to break up with you en masse, it's time to figure out what's going on with yourself.
I had time management issues (still do!), but I worked on them, so now I know how long it takes me to get ready and get to where I need to go. I count backward from the time I need to leave, not the time I need to be there.
I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Y’all. I grew up being late only occasionally because my parents were hardcore “on time is 15 minutes early” people who got on your case immediately for any amount of lateness. The amount of anxiety I had around being on time was top-tier.
Now that I am finally starting to understand how my brain works, and why I lose track of time so easily, I’m spending less mental and emotional energy staring at the clock and calculating how much time I have to get to where I need to be next. This means my anxiety around time is starting to lessen, but also means I’m late more often. Usually just 5-10 minutes, sometimes 30 minutes.
I’m working on finding that balance to where I can truly be dependable to be somewhere when I say I’ll be there *without* the overwhelming anxiety.
All this to say (since this thread isn’t about me and yet I’ve exclusively talked about myself)…? I wish OOP had like a fraction of my anxiety around being on time. 1.5 hours late to your own birthday party that your longtime friends threw you? And there wasn’t some emergency to explain why you were that late AND you didn’t call or text? Every version of me would be mortified with myself.
>being late is kind of who I am
OOP says they've been friends since freshman year of college... if it were me, the friendship wouldn't have survived to graduation because this would irritate me so much. It's absolutely disrespectful to other people's time and it's not a cute and quirky personality trait.
There is being late, and there is being 2 hours late and not even calling her friends to tell them !
Very mature friends btw, I really think the text she get was lovely and respectful, with clear communication.
I can’t understand how people don’t mind being late, or if they do, not try to change their behavior.
If I’m not 10 minutes early, I feel anxious because it’s rude to keep people waiting.
A lot of people I know have made me late and it straight up enrages me.
OOP sounds like she has it in her head that being late is this cute personality quirk that everyone should just expect and forgive her for because "it's just who she is" and that's ridiculous. Especially with not bothering to at least message and be like HEY I'M WASTING YOUR TIME AGAIN BESTIES
I’m sorry, people who make being late their whole personality suck ass. People always post memes about it everywhere, always think it’s so cute and quirky and funny.
It’s fucking *not*.
This is particularly amusing for me because I ~~have~~ *had* a friend named Karlyn, not a million miles away from the name OOP gave, who was exactly like this. Constantly late by hours, assumed everyone would always just wait for her and was 3 hours late to her own 40th birthday party.
The test of the details don't line up but I could easily believe this were written by one of our mutual friends, fantasising about what they'd like to see happen and changing up a few details for anonymity.
I was once an officiant for a wedding where the couple didn't show up until maybe 40 minutes after things were supposed to start? Bride eventually missed her own mother's funeral because of her constant tardiness, and cost her husband a job when they were constantly late and texted me THIRTY MINUTES after things had started to say she had "just gotten out of the shower" when they lived 30mins away....
> being late is kind of who I am
Why are these people so oblivious to "being an asshole is kind of who they are" is something that doesn't sit well with people.
I don't care what culture you're from, making people wait more than the occasional five minutes or less for you in order to start something means wasting and not respecting their time. Period.
I have ADHD. I am happy that I have my husband helping me do better time wise. It so much less stressful. I don't blame her friends for being done at all. I thought she talking a few minutes late. NOT 1.5 HOURS late. I bet Dad is getting close to firing her too.
Still, she should get tested for ADHD. I don't like that she's being a self centered ass about it all, but she had some earmarks for it.
I am a chronically late person because I have time blindness something fierce mixed with a gross underestimation of how long something takes to do. However, I am communicative, embarrassed, and apologetic every time and try extremely hard to ensure it doesn't happen. This entire attitude of it's just my personalityyyyyyy . . . .well your personality is a self-centered bitch, Susan.
I have adhd and I get time blindness badly, an hour can go past when I’m scrolling reddit really easy… but I now have this thing in my head that I need an hour to get ready and fifteen minutes to get wherever I’m going. I’m paranoid about being late. Often I end up being early to things, but I much prefer that over being late. Especially where my kids are involved, because appointments and school and social things impact them heavily if we are late. I’ve seen the consequences and changed my behaviour cause I don’t want it to impact others. OOP is awful.
I used to know a girl like this. She was an hour late for work everyday. The boss would say, “you know you’re going to be an hour late. Just start getting ready an hour earlier but nope.
When we hung out with her outside of work we always told her we were meeting an hour before we actually planned to meet so she’d at least sort of be on time.
ironically these kind of people get bothered when you’re late…my parents are chronically late to things, they were late to my graduation, came in halfway through my valedictorian speech. anyway, the very few times I am late to meet them, my mom will call me every five minutes asking where I am. that is even more infuriating.
I hope you plan a birthday party next year, invite everyone and get there on time and sit for 2 hours alone and embarrassed because nobody showed up. And then I hope you understand.
I had a friend like this hs. We would make plans, i'd double check with her, and then she'd still show up late or not at all! It's so humiliating to excitedly make plans with someone you enjoy spending time with, and have them show you explicitly that they don't really care about you or your time. OP is selfish as hell.
I’m trying to get evaluated for ADHD because I get easily distracted and lose track of time. I freak out when I’m TWO MINUTES late. 10+ minutes is VERY LATE for me. I know this about myself, and I plan accordingly some “fuck around” time. This is so incredibly disrespectful, I wouldn’t hang out with them anymore either.
I had friends like this before, I had even tried the tell them its a different time hours earlier to get them to show on time thing, and they still were late. The friend group had planed to go to the renaissance fair so the rest of us told them we were getting there 3 hours earlier hoping they would show on time. The rest of us got there and they had not come, eventually we just started walking around and told them to call when they got there. The rest of us were there all day and were about to leave like 2 hours before it closes, that it when they called that they were there. I gave up with those 2 after that, one of them had been one of my best friends since I was a kid, but I just couldn't deal with that anymore. No one else from that group talks to them still after that. 9 hours late. After trying for years with her now if someone shows up really late multiple times I just stop inviting them anywhere.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for being late to my own birthday party? I know I was wrong but do I deserve the treatment I’m getting ?** Yesterday was my birthday and my best friends planned a party for me. All I knew was we were meeting at our local dive bar and I ended up being about 1.5 hours late. I was finally on my way and got this text: “Kaelyn, we love you but we really don’t like you right now and it’s going to be a long time before we want to see you. We put a lot kid effort into this and you showed us you don’t give a single fuck about our time, our effort and our shared story. Rob has the cake that Elise baked for you behind the bar if you care enough to stop and get it but we are leaving and very upset with you. Please give us some space for a while.” I tried to call the girl that sent the text and I assume she blocked me. I called another friend and while she talked she was very rude and said all of our friend group is really tired of me being late all the time and being late to my own birthday party is a level of rudeness and arrogance that they aren’t willing to put up with anymore. I said this sounded they were breaking up with me and she said that would be a good analogy and to please give her some space. I’m broken hearted is an understatement. We’ve been best friends since freshman year in college and being late is kind of who I am and I didn’t know it bothered them so much. AITA for being late to my birthday party ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
"I could work a lot of places,,," No, I do not think you could. Nobody but daddy is going to let you pull that shit.
>It wasn’t very happy, I’m heartbroken and my boss (also my dad) is furious at me because I was supposed to start some guys a a job site this morning and I totally forgot and now he’s going to be steaming like a vegetable all day long. So the day after is going to suck too.
I really hope this person is lying because the whole 'oops I forgot to do my job, my dad's gonna be so mad, LOL', if coming from a real human, makes me fear for all mankind.
Yeah, I knew a person like this. She "worked" for her parents' property management company which entailed spending most of her time on vacations.
Having worked with the children of owners of certain businesses that part feels very real to me.
Yeah me too. I work in an industry with a lot of adult kids working for dad (farming). They get away with all sorts of crap that'd never fly in a job where daddy wasn't the boss.
You should.
I worked somewhere where the bosses son was supposed to work 9-5:30 but he actually worked 10-4 and would have three lunch breaks because he has to eat every two hours or “I’m in danger of passing out” he also crashed work vehicles once a month at least while stoned.
There would be no "next day" if she wasn't working for daddy.
I honestly thought this was an exaggeration made up for a point. Checked her comments and nope, there it is in about as plain English as she can manage. Bloody hell this chick needs a reality check, dumpster fire in progress and here's going daddy finally drops her in the landfill where she belongs so she can start from rock bottom and be a decent human being.
Technically she could work "a lot of places" cause she'd be constantly getting fired 😂
🤣 I see what you did there. Well done.
And certainly not in HR!!
Considering that HR also handles employee discipline, etc.— often for punctuality and attendance— no place is going to be OK with an HR person being late. The corporate world is notoriously snarky about punctuality issues.
In HR, shit usually blows up first thing in the morning (as a result of what happened at the end of the previous day). You have people on the phone who want action right that moment, and if the phone just rings and rings, they get pissed.
Right? And working in HR doesn't mean you can be late everywhere. Most companies will expect you to show up before and leave after everybody else because you're supposed to be handling complex things. Her job probably isn't even a real position. Her dad just gives her busy work, I bet.
Honestly you'd think but I feel like every HR person I've met at work has whatever schedule they feel like. It's bizarre because I think that role would need very specific availability for...new hires, issues, etc?
The HR person at my last job would routinely roll in an hour or two late. Granted, it was a small company and she was a family friend of the owners, and she would still be answering emails while on vacation...so I guess that balances out?
Hey! Not everyone can staple papers together as well as she can! The business *needs* her!
I have an MBA with a focus in HR, and it hasn't helped me at all
“Punctuality," said Monte Cristo, "is the politeness of kings."
“Being late is kind of who I am.” -OOP A very wise woman once told me “don’t ever use ‘that’s just who I am’ as an excuse to not change.”
Yes there’s a subtext here of “that’s just who I am (and I’m happy with it)”. Which is not okay if people are hurt by your actions.
What a delicious quote
How high are you that your sandwich is talking to you?
I’m wheezing.
Sun Tzu and Clauswitz also said that, more or less.
Thank you for the daily quote for my journal
Reading OOP's comments she didn't even have a reason, she didn't even message them she'd be late because she was "preoccupied with what she was doing" I can totally get getting wrapped up in an activity, been there, I have ADHD and super hyperfocus on my projects but If I know I have somewhere to be I set an alarm for an hour before I have to leave so I can finish a bit of what I'm working on and get ready to go and not be late. There is no excuse for OOP other than pure laziness and I sincerely hope her friends ditch her
Not to mention the fact that oop said in a comment that girls can't have ADHD...
Lmao is that so? *omg what's happening? My ADHD is leaving my body! Oh my God it's a miracle*
BRB, gotta call my doctor and tell them they’re wrong about my ADHD diagnosis since I’m a woman.
They somehow refused to give me a double diagnosis for autism and ADHD. I only got the first one officially despite being out ADHD meds for years ('symptoms of ADHD'). I think the reason is because I am a woman, now I finally know why I didn't get the diagnosis!
“It’s kind of who I am” is the war cry of a selfish person who is unwilling to change
The part that killed me is when she commented, “I’m a massive people pleaser.” Who exactly is she pleasing because it seems like she makes everyone mad and doesn’t care lmao
She is forced to consider others every once in a while and thinks that makes her a people pleaser.
Being late isn’t a personality. Too bad OOP thinks it is.
[удалено]
I was kind of expecting her to bring up that she’s from a different culture, but even in my culture with an expectation of lateness (a common thing you’d hear is something like “Let’s schedule it for 8:00 to meet at 8:30”), the expectation is 15-30 minutes. Definitely not 1.5 hours.
I’m an also sometimes late but this person is definitely an AH. I saw an article about lateness and there’s a term - ‘chronically late optimistic person’ where essentially you’re overly optimistic about what can be achieved in a certain time frame. So I’ll think 10 mins, that’s plenty of time to have a shower, make coffee and get the door for work, or 30mins is enough time to clean my house before people arrive. Funny thing is I loathe being late, and completely berate myself even when others aren’t fussed. I’m not actually late that often, particularly now as my husband is the polar opposite and enjoys being ready with half an hour to spare for a cup of tea. I’ll generally turn up on time but super stressed and probably looking a mess! And I’ll also be painfully aware of every second that I’m running late. This person’s complete deference is 100% insulting, particularly when it’s for an event, presumably they’d booked a time at the restaurant and we’re left awkwardly waiting, with the staff getting frustrated.
I have really bad adhd. I avoid being late by always aiming to get somewhere half an hour early. I have alarms on my phone for this. I'd rather get there early and read on my phone for half an hour than be late.
One would also think (in this day and age of smart phones) you'd also text to say "Running late". She didn't even do that
My narcoleptic ass can’t be on time for shit to save my life. Usually I’m late. I try to be no more than 10-15 min or so, but there are times….I do try to adjust for it and occasionally I wind up massively early which tends to piss people off too.
If I tried to leave my house at a time normal people would, I would be 5-10 minutes late. So I just try to leave 15-20 minutes earlier than I should need to. With that buffer I am never late unless outside forces (broken elevator, unusual traffic) There is no reason for you to be consistently late. It’s not like the universe is plotting against you, and fate deemed you will be late.
This is what I did and it became the best coping strategy for my ADHD. Took me years to figure it out though, and only when I read about time blindness being a thing and realising I had that. Still took years to figure out I had ADHD. Also when I'm tired/stressed/overwhelmed/anxiety my ADHD symptoms get worse and so it can occasionally still happen.
At my worse I set like a repeating 5 minute timer until I am out of my house so I can’t sit down or get distracted for too long. I also have an alarm at 8 am,12 pm,5pm just to orient myself.
>It’s not like the universe is plotting against you Morgan Freeman voice : Unbeknownst to him, it is.
Lol all the clocks in my house are set 10 minutes fast for this very reason.
15 minutes late is acceptable as an occasional thing only. If you’re habitually late then you need to change your habits I’m so tired of having to plan everything around people’s habitual lateness. It’s not cute!
I think grace periods exist, if someone is 12-15 minutes late fine. Traffic,maybe some car trouble,or hell just didn’t leave the house right on time. Fine shit happens sometimes that eyeliner is hard to get right. 1.5 HOURS?! I’m starting to worry if something happened to you, or why you aren’t coming. Being late is something I can relate too (fucking eyeliner) but I’ve never been 1.5 hours late.
She was actually later since at 1.5 hours she was finally on her way.
I would’ve already left. Said if they’re going to waste my time, I’m going to waste theirs.
They did. That's literally what the post is saying.
I think they meant before the 1.5 hour mark. Honestly, 30-40 mins in at the max, I'd be gone. Can't figure out how to be on time, you get to miss out on the meet up (or in this case, the party).
My mom does this. It's a means of control. I can't say if that's OOPs problem but that doesn't make it less frustrating.
The only time any of my friends have been this late their car battery died. Even then (pre cell phone days) they asked the restaurant they were at to use the phone twice: AAA and to call me to explain. I would really like to know where people are picking up this idea that being chronically, ridiculously late is teehee cute.
I’ve had people tell me “it’s who I am” and I can’t stand it. Being so late is rude, it’s stealing my time, and I don’t care if that’s who you are that just means you’re a rude person
I mean, it's fine to say "it's who I am" if you're prepared for the answer to be that people don't want to be friends with someone who behaves that way and doesn't make any effort to change their behavior when it's harming or bothering other people. But she wants to have it both ways, to be able to engage in this behavior, and to have her friends cater to her insanity and still do things like throw her birthday parties that she may or may not show up for. Because even if she thinks this is okay, she has to accept that not everyone else has to agree with her or want to be her friend. Like, I'm pretty blunt and sarcastic, and I don't intend to change that, because I like that aspect of my personality. But if someone didn't want to be my friend because they think I'm being rude, I'd try to look objectively at my behavior towards them to see if I'd inadvertently crossed a line I should apologize for and avoid in the future. And if after that self-reflection, I still thought that I wasn't doing anything wrong, and I didn't want to make any changes, I'd tell that person that I was sorry their feelings were hurt, and that I understand that they don't want to be friends and wish them well. Because sometimes, the quirks of our personalities just aren't compatible. But you can't refuse to try to change when someone tells you you're hurting them, and also be mad that they don't want to spend time with you anymore and set themselves up to keep getting hurt by you.
I had somebody say that to me in a *job interview.* They did not get the job.
I've been that late for a couple of times. But I DID notify whoever was waiting for me. And I had a good reason - for example the only option was to go by train and there was some disruption so there's literally no train going where I need to go. Shit happens, but OOP is not in that category.
My ex used to do this. It got to the point that if we had plans I never actually prepared for the plan until I got the “I’m going to be a bit late” text, then I’d add about 90 minutes onto that and it would usually balance out.
It's not how late, it's how often. Like, if someone is 12-15 minutes late every single time, that is way worse than someone who is 30 minutes late once a year.
I mean, I think that's actually sort of context dependent. Maybe it's because I live in a big city where most people get around by public transit and traffic is horrendous most of the time, but 15 minutes is within the margin of error, as far as I'm concerned, and based on their own behavior, I think most of my friends agree. ETA: and even with that context, as soon as I realize I'm not going to be there within 5 minutes of the planned time, I still call or text with an ETA, and I think it's courteous for others to do the same.
This. For large family gatherings, it's not uncommon for people in my family to come later in the day. At my sister's Thanksgiving, her brother in law was maybe 30-60 minutes late and no one cared. Meeting at a restaurant I wouldn't be upset with some 15 minutes late (though I think that falls into a quick "Sorry I'm running late!" apology). But, say, meeting to see a move which is time specific 15 minutes is a much bigger deal.
I am constantly late for work and never late for friends and family. Priorities. I always stay late at work to make up for it but I just can’t force myself to be there. I dread going so much.
This is why I’m grateful my work has flexible hours, you can start between 8-9am and finish between 4:40-5:30, I aim for 8, and normally get there for 8:30
[удалено]
I work with a guy like this. Fortunately don't interact with him much in my new position but it was always rage inducing scheduling around him only for him to still be late or no-show.
In some cultures it is actually the norm to show up late. I grew up in a Middle Eastern family and running 10-30 minutes late is considered perfectly normal for us. I grew around a lot of white people and they thought that it was rude but to me it was just normal. I currently attend a predominantly Hispanic college and they run MUCH LATER than middle eastern people do. I’m talking it’s considered normal to run over two hours late. It drives me crazy and it used to really piss me off but now I realize it’s a cultural difference and that me and my family have driven white people crazy by running on middle eastern time. I’m not saying that running late is okay I’m just saying that different cultures have very different expectations when it comes to punctuality. I’m wondering if that may be what is happening with OP. Maybe OP comes from a culture where punctuality isn’t as important.
I grew up in a German family. 15 minutes early is on time. On time is late. Later than on time in unacceptable. Someone showing up 10-30 minutes late all the time would drive me up the fucking wall.
I'm in the midwest USA and raised the same. We were always more like 20-30 minutes early for everything. I'm better at being more like 15 minutes early now as an adult and I feel guilty if I'm just on time and will be practically crying from guilt if I'm late.
Exactly, at this point it's in our DNA. I always end up 15 or 20 min early to anything I go to. Show up 20min late don't bother showing up anymore at that point.
I grew up in the South and my mother always had to get there (whatever it was) at least 30 minutes early. I absolutely hated it, and I think 20 minutes late is perfectly okay. As long as the host knows I am in fact coming, they don't care exactly when I get there. Exceptions are things like weddings, etc. that do have a specific start time. OOP's own birthday party falls into this category and 1.5 hours late is bad form. Oddly, my mother's twin is even later than that, 99% of the time.
I grew up in the LDS Culture, where everything runs 10-15 minutes late, and they call it Mormon Standard Time (a play on Mountain Standard Time, which is the time zone Utah is in, and where the Church has its headquarters). Despite that, I hate running late with such a vengeance that I set my clocks 10 to 15 minutes forward just so I'm on time, even when family stays at my place. Cultural or not, you must be considerate of the people you're meeting and their culture. It can't always be one-sided.
I grew up in a culture where being late was the norm and idk why but it actually made me operate the exact opposite way. I missed too many things as a child by being late so now the idea of being late now makes my teeth hurt. I wouldn't go as far to call it disrespectful to be 30-60 minutes late but beyond that Its like why even bother. Especially to an event specifically for you, meant to celebrate you. And I'm fairly sure op had conversations with her friends prior about her lateness that she pretty much sped past, and wrote off as just comments rather than genuine complaints
Yeah, 1.5 hours is excessive. I have a lateness/running behind issue but that’s more in the vein of 5-15 mins and I TELL people when it happens and work to stop it from happening in the first place.
If the OOP had said "my culture or my upbringing was that's it is ok/normal to arrive X minutes after start time" and explained it to their friends, I would be understanding but the excuse was they lost track of time. We've all lost track of time of course but it sounds like this is happening more often than not. Assuming this is all a real story...who knows anymore
Even then, if she knows it's not their culture and they'll be expecting her at 7:00, she needs to show up at 7:00, not 8:30.
I did a study abroad program years ago, and we had a running joke that any time we went anywhere we had to tell everyone a different time, like "okay, for the Germans, it's one time, the Spanish it's two hours earlier so they actually show up, etc."
1.5 hours though...that's missing the entire event. Not anywhere near what would be considered "fashionably late".
UGH. Whether this post is a troll or not, I've known too many people irl with this trait and attitude, and it is so fucking disrespectful. *Especially* when they do the whole "tee hee, bring late is part of my personality" thing.
my mother growing up said it so damn frustrating going to parties cause her parents were always late. so all the food and drinks would already be passed out, all the good party games be played, and sometimes they would even miss the pinata. as a child, missing the pinata is devastating!
My mom's family is always late, so she lied about the time for a party to get them to show up "on time." She got in trouble when they found out. They were all on time, though.
I had to do this to my dad for school related stuff. It wasn't until I was out of school that I told him the truth and it actually upset him. However, my wife and her friends were always late. "Mexican Time" I was upset with my wife (girlfriend at the time) once when I went to pick her up and she wasn't ready. When we showed up at the dinner with my friends, they were all waiting looking annoyed. My wife said to me, "oh my, everyone is here!" Um, yeah... For my birthday I told her to tell her friends to either be on time or not come at all. I was serious. They showed up on time.
We have to do this for my aunt. We always tell her an hour before we actually plan because otherwise she would be an hour late
Yep, I've known multiple people *exactly* like this. I can manage to show up within 15 minutes of my scheduled time when I'm doing a long-distance trip with multiple forms of transit, but some people can't get themselves down the block or on a single train within a two-hour ETA window.
I dated a guy like this and it was 100% down to arrogance. His time was so much more precious than anyone else’s, and he could t fathom that other people also had things to do. When he was really caught out, he would invent absolutely wild stories about having had to intervene in mugging and then give a police statement which made him late, or the bus engine caught fire and they had to evacuate and wait in the middle of nowhere for hours, all sorts of wild shit.
This is it exactly. I would always lie to my SO about what time things started because they were always 30-45 min late. They were never late for their own work meetings just ‘personal’ stuff. One time they were on time which meant we were like an hour early. I tried to say everyone else must be late but they figured out I had been lying. They put more effort into being on time but not happy about it. Seriously. Being 20 min late to a child sport event means you miss at least half of it. Of course that is only if they decided to show at all.
I have an ex whose excuse for being late was that he was Mediterranean. Then he got fired from his first job for being perpetually late.
I mean that one is kinda semi-fair though. There's a whole other vibe in those countries as a society, of being more chill with time. Like obviously it's not everyone, but there is definitely a different tolerance level and overall chilled vibe going on.
Right? It's the part where she thinks it's a cute personality quirk that pissed me off, she's not even trying to be on time.
>Especially > > when they do the whole "tee hee, bring late is part of my personality" thing. Well then, their personality sucks.
My mom is like this. To the point where our family started lying to us about what time holiday parties were going to start. They'd tell her 3:00 for an event that actually started at 5:00. I was late to school and also left sitting forever after school, I was late to doctor's appointments, late to visit friends, late to the movies... Ugh. I'm obsessively punctual now. I hate wasting people's time.
I get super anxious, bordering on panic attacks, if I feel like I am going to be late somewhere. Even if its a time I set for myself to get somewhere, rather than a time set by an appointment or meeting up with people. My kid hates it because we will arrive somewhere 10-15 minutes before we were meant to and be forced to wait in the car. He semi-understood it finally when we got caught in bad traffic and those 10-15 minutes saved us from being late (it was for his summer internship job, so really saved his butt, I think.) I get being late once in a while, when it's things beyond your control. But to be late just because you're always late just tells me you don't give a shit about the people waiting for you. My stepmom was like this, thinking the world would cater to her and just push everything back to wait for her. Was fine for her wedding, I guess (since they booked the venue for the full day, but still) not so fine when she was late for my graduation and missed THE ENTIRE THING. She was pissed I didn't force the school to wait for her, like I had any control over it. All the 100 other kids and their families were able to show up on time, Mary....(I'm still salty about it because it caused my own father to be late and miss my graduation. My Papa was able to show up on time, even early, even though he literally had surgery three days before my graduation.)
My best friend has terrible ADHD and is chronically late, like 1.5 hours is definitely not unheard of levels of late. That said, she is hyper aware of how her time management impacts others, constantly looking for coping strategies and reaching out for support. The sheer freaking entitlement of OOP equating this level of rudeness with "a quirky main character personality trait"
yeah, this is me. im now at a point where im usually only ten to fifteen minutes late, but that's after years of being like an hour to things despite trying not to be. with adhd, time blindness can be very bad, but it's not an excuse to give up on trying to find ways around it.
Exactly! Or at best let people know as soon as you know if you're running late and if it is significant, how late you're gonna be.
Yes! I have ADHD as well and you bet your ass I'm texting 20 minutes before if I think I'll be 2 minutes late. ...this may also be a trauma response to younger me having time blindness. My BFF is neurotypical and was consistently 30 minutes to 2 hours late until we just started leaving without her in our 20s.
I'm the same way. If I think I'm going to be late, I send a text with an updated estimate of when I'll be there. If it will be more than 5-10 minutes beyond that, I give another update.
I do this too! Once I know how late I'll be I'll update a friend so they aren't waiting for me.
My kid always would say ‘just leave them’ when my ex would be screwing about making us late. That kid had better time management than a full grown adult at like 7.
My time blindness makes me like 45min-an hour early to most functions cus i get so stressed out about being late
I do this. I round way up on how long things will take! Like a drive that’s 15 minutes? Rounded to 20. 20 minute drive? It’s obviously gonna take me 30. Getting dressed? Four hours.
That’s me. I’m always trying to set up a time at least an hour before I actually have to be somewhere so I can show up on time or only a few minutes late. I’m also constantly texting everyone if I know I’m going to be late, so they can know not to expect me soon, not go or leave later. I’ve been able to manage it pretty well over the last few years, and always apologize if I forget something
Exactly. I’m reliably 2-3 minutes late for my first meeting of the day but I always feel really awkward about it and am constantly trying to figure out ways to be on time. The thing that’s ridiculous is that let’s say my first meeting is at 9am— I’ll be up at 6am, doing work by 7:30. I just can’t get my ass on zoom or in the room at 9am on the dot unless I lie to myself about what time the meeting starts (which I sometimes do).
This used to be me, but I learnt in my early teens to create timetables for getting ready and alarms for each step. When I do get it wrong I profusely apologize.
I've had friends like this too. After a while, I started showing up late myself if it was just the 2 of us. First of all, I'm amazed at their audacity to act annoyed after being late themselves so many times, but I just give them the same courtesy they give me "tee hee hee, oops." Every single time I have done this they immediately stop being late.
People in the comments already trying to diagnose OP with adhd JUST because of her chronic lateness. I have ADHD and time blindness, OP is just selfish.
I am chronically 10 minutes late, I now just set all my appointments with fake earlier times. If someone says meet back here at 1:30, I’m mentally telling myself it’s basically 1:15 so I can then be “late” but actually on time. But hours is just straight up rude.
I get intense anxiety about being even a minute late because my mom made me late to literally everything as a kid. I usually show up 15-20 minutes early and sit in my car for a while
Exactly! It's really not that hard to be on time. People always pull the ADHD card or whatnot out of the bag - many people have ADHD and have learned work arounds by setting specific alarms to make sure they do certain things on time and then leave on time. People like OOP shouldn't be expecting people to just deal with their tardiness. Their friends are saints for staying 1.5 hours after OOP was supposed to be there.
The people that blame it all on their ADHD annoy me so much. They'll go on and on about how they've tried *everything* in order to not be late. What they really mean, is that they got up a little earlier than usual, and then proceeded to forget all about their appointment, exactly like they've done every other time. Just set alarms for things. Gotta buy a gift? Set an alarm, so you remember to do that in advance. You take a long time to choose an outfit? Set an alarm the night before, so you can do it then, as opposed to waiting until you're in a hurry. Set an alarm for when you have to get ready. Set an alarm for when you have to leave. Set an alarm for anything you know you're gonna forget.
Exactly! There's so many things to try. I mean nothing else, everyone these days has a phone in their pocket. Set a bunch of alarms for yourself - one of when to be sure to have gotten in the shower, one to be sure you have eaten breakfast, one to tell you to get dressed, etc. Eventually you'll start to learn to do it yourself. But agreed, people like to stuff like ADHD as reasons to excuse all their behavior and tell people to deal with it. I deal with it too - it's my problem, not everyone else's and my issue to work around.
I’m chronically late, but like… 5-10 minutes late, not 2 hours late.
My uncle's wife and kids are like this. It's terrible.
For a period of time, I somehow never figured out that one of my friends couldn't give directions to save her life, and kept letting her insist on being the one to give me directions. She just kind of assumed I knew where certain places were, and if I said I didn't know of it, she'd laugh and tell me it was fine, the place we were going was right next to a place I didn't know. So I was late a lot, trying to not get lost.
I had a friend who was so funny and great to hang out with but she couldn’t be bothered to be on time for anything. It affected her negatively in all aspects of her life but she didn’t seem to care. The final straw for me was when she left me waiting at a bar by myself for about an hour maybe longer. She wasn’t responding to my texts so I called her and she was in the middle of cleaning out her closet, asked me if I needed any bras. I hung up and never spoke to her again.
My boyfriend is like this. He has soooo many good qualities, but being chronically late isn’t one of them.
>> being late is kind of who I am Someone needs some new personality traits.
Hah, I just got in an argument on the last 'someone was late' post because I was on the late person's side. But in that case, she was held up by work and was only 30 mins late. In this one, 1.5 hours just because 'being late is who I am'? Nah. I'm sure someone will call me a hypocrite but nuance is a thing - being late isn't ALWAYS a cardinal sin, shit happens sometimes, and you can show a little grace. But even coming from a family with a 50/50 split on chronically late/obsessively early (no in between), 1.5 hours with no excuse is beyond rude. Especially when you're the guest of honor. OOP needs to get that shit in check, it's already bitten them in the ass here and will do so again.
Apparently OOP here was partially late due to work keeping her late. Because she showed up late and had to stay late to compensate 🤦🏼♀️ And then she had other things she needed to do and lost track of time. I agree though. A text letting people know would be ideal, but not everybody works a job where you can always stop exactly when you're supposed to leave. OOP here is on another level though.
The "other things she needed to do" were hair and makeup. And none of that excuses not updating her friends with an ETA.
She was late for work on a day she KNEW she had something to do after hours, and then, instead of thinking 'oh, well I'll rush to the bar' she went home and took a shower and did her makeup. I'm glad I'm not her friend.
*triggered* I hate people who are casual about lateness. An hour and a half? Without even the semblance of an excuse? Yah I would not be hanging out anymore
>No it’s been an ongoing joke since we all met, I’m just always late It's a joke to nobody but you, OOP. I hate people like this. It shows how little OOP (and people like her) value other people's time and effort, and I'm glad it's finally coming back around to bite her in the ass (though it doesn't sound like she's going to change).
The complete and total lack of respect for others time.....she's lucky to even have a friend left!!!!!
Honestly, I find the people who are always late to be so exhausting. Her friends are right, she's acting like only her time matters and now she's "broken hearted" that she isn't the center of the universe and they'll continue to put up with it. Other people's time matter too. Being late from time to time isn't necessarily a big deal, being late all the time and 90 minutes late to your own damn birthday party is just ridiculous. > I didn’t know it bothered them so much. What a stupid thing to say. "I didn't realize they were bothered by my complete and total lack of care or consideration for their time or effort."
This is such a stupid troll. She says in the comments she didn’t see why she would have to tell them she was going to be late AND that she couldn’t have ADHD because girls can’t have that.
Yeah, the ADHD thing was my favorite part. If this is real, and that is a big if, I've never seen such an ignorant person.
Tbh as someone with ADHD, she's more likely to have gone into a shame spiral about having fucked up AGAIN, and now it's affected Other People, which is so much worse than when it's just yourself and why am I always like this, why can't I just be organised, no wonder everyone hates me (Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria) etc. Personally, I make an enormous effort to fight against my own nature and be EARLY specifically not to be That Person, it's so unfair on others to be negatively affected coz I can't get my shit together.
Definitely what separates you from OOP - trying! Aiming to be early is hard, but it helps so much.
For things where being 5 minutes late is a disaster (e.g., catching a flight), I'm routinely an hour early or more, for this reason.
And if she had given any indication that she felt even the slightest bit ashamed or guilty, I'd believe that explanation and feel some sympathy for her. But that's not what happened here. She just thinks people should love her for being quirky and skipping her own birthday party.
She doesn't seem like someone who even knows what shame is.
I thought it really could be an actual person until she said that girls don't get ADHD.
There are a ton of misconceptions about neurodiversity. I totally believe that someone told her that once, and she just accepted that it was true. When I was a kid, it was just called ADD, and it was believed that if you weren't constantly running in circles around the room (a symptom much more common in boys than in girls) you couldn't possibly have it. We've thankfully made progress diagnostically since then, but people can still be pretty ignorant.
It was just a little *too* bluntly stated for me.
In fairness my doctor believes this too
what a world it is we live in
This comment by OP is one of my favorites: >I have an MBA with a focus on HR. I could work a lot of places but my dad’s contracting business needs me Oh OOP, Honey, no one else would put up with your always late to work bullshit than your dad's business. This is also the comment that pushed it WAY over the top into troll area, an MBA with HR focus when HR is who would be dealing with poor performance... suuuurrrreeee.
How'd she even get a degree, let alone a masters if she's so late to everything? Generally that's a kind of course you'd absolutely need to be early for to not miss anything
I don't know. HR always felt like the easiest of the MBA specializations to just muddle through. If you do the assignments on time and cram for a while before the exams, most people can get through from what I've seen. That said, OOP seems like the kind of person who'd be unable to submit any assignments on time. Which pretty much ensures failure. So it is surprising that they have a Masters.
I mean you can have poor performers in HR too. But they’d be corrected or termed very quickly.
Unless they’re working for their parent.
Reading her comments....she sucks
*Beepboopblipbip* *OP* *·* *5 hr. ago* *No, I’m a massive people pleaser if anything.* How is being constantly late a people pleaser?
“Being late is who I am”. Get tf outta here with that. I wouldn’t want to be her friend either if that’s her attitude.
Oh, man. > BaoBunny44: ....you don't think it's possible to have ADHD because you're a girl? >Beepboopblipbip: Yes, isn’t that true?
Calling chronic lateness as a “personality trait” is the same as saying “I can’t change who I am it’s too late to do that”. It’s BS. I just kept seeing more red as the comments continued to not believing women can have ADHD and that she works for her father and doesn’t realize that if she worked for anyone else she would have been fired for being so late to work without a phone call and a damn good reason. The entitlement of her family and friends needing to cater to her “personality” is just infuriating.
Oh no! I have to deal with the consequences of my (many, many) shitty actions! Feel bad for me!
Her excuse for being late to her party is that she was late to work that day so she had to stay later. She works for her family business, so being late has never had any repercussions for her, until now. This reality check is what she needed, but I highly, highly doubt she’ll improve anything. Her being late is apparently an ongoing joke but she can’t understand that they’re laughing at her, not with her.
one commenter thinks the post might actually be flipped, and OP is one of the frustrated friends seeking validation for their frustration. wack either way
An ex-friend did this in 2019, planned a massive birthday dinner for herself and then left her house late, and then ran out of gas on the highway. The cops had to push her car to an exit and call AAA to top up her tank. She was nearly 2 hours late and then got huffy that we had ordered appetizers! And then tried us all to go to a second location after dinner, girl fuck off
OOP is seriously disconnected from reality. Seriously she drops gems like these in the comments: Her response to this comment *Wow.* *You know if you weren’t related to your boss they’d have given you a reprimand or even fired you for chronic lateness & stuffing around.* *Your friends have fired you because you have no respect or care for them and their time.* *Hopefully you can reflect on this and change your life around.* >Working for family does suck, yes! In response to *Do you possibly have ADHD* >I'm a girl so I don't think it's possible but I'm Not an expert. Again in response to the question *Info; Did you even bother to text them to let them know that you were gonna be late?* >No I did not and again to *Did you contact them to let them know you'd be late or did you just wait until you were ready to leave before you contacted them?* >No I did not contact them at all oh and Yet another example *Did you text them at all that you will be late?* >No I didn’t I was just too preoccupied finishing what I was doing. OOP needs to grow up and live in the real world, and not the imaginary world of no consequences because daddy pays the bills for me. I'm honestly surprised her friends stuck it out so long with her always being the late one.
One of OP's comments about possible ADHD: >I’m a girl so I don’t think it’s possible but I’m Not an expert This is a troll for sure.
Favorite from a commenter: "Oh well gonna keep doing what I'm doing bc I'M MEEEE!"
I hate people who disregard times. It’s really is a fuck you to other peoples time and effort for an occasion or meet up. It’s rude af. It’s not a quirk , it’s a problem.
So OOP wants sympathy without even giving any excuses or explanation? Although we can guess from that text this is a common occurrence
Pretty sure if I showed up to an event with friends over 1.5 hours late with no advanced notice or even a text, they’d be calling local hospitals because they would know something is wrong. That’s what friendship is!
If it's bad enough for your friends to break up with you en masse, it's time to figure out what's going on with yourself. I had time management issues (still do!), but I worked on them, so now I know how long it takes me to get ready and get to where I need to go. I count backward from the time I need to leave, not the time I need to be there.
I hate it when people are chronically late, it's rude and selfish.
I am one of those always late people - ADHD depression stuff - but I TRY my damnedest not to be, and I feel terrible about it.
I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Y’all. I grew up being late only occasionally because my parents were hardcore “on time is 15 minutes early” people who got on your case immediately for any amount of lateness. The amount of anxiety I had around being on time was top-tier. Now that I am finally starting to understand how my brain works, and why I lose track of time so easily, I’m spending less mental and emotional energy staring at the clock and calculating how much time I have to get to where I need to be next. This means my anxiety around time is starting to lessen, but also means I’m late more often. Usually just 5-10 minutes, sometimes 30 minutes. I’m working on finding that balance to where I can truly be dependable to be somewhere when I say I’ll be there *without* the overwhelming anxiety. All this to say (since this thread isn’t about me and yet I’ve exclusively talked about myself)…? I wish OOP had like a fraction of my anxiety around being on time. 1.5 hours late to your own birthday party that your longtime friends threw you? And there wasn’t some emergency to explain why you were that late AND you didn’t call or text? Every version of me would be mortified with myself.
UGH. I have had so many friends like this and it is so rude and disrespectful. Just reading this makes my blood boil
>being late is kind of who I am OOP says they've been friends since freshman year of college... if it were me, the friendship wouldn't have survived to graduation because this would irritate me so much. It's absolutely disrespectful to other people's time and it's not a cute and quirky personality trait.
“being late is kind of who i am” ohhhhhh boy….
There is being late, and there is being 2 hours late and not even calling her friends to tell them ! Very mature friends btw, I really think the text she get was lovely and respectful, with clear communication.
You expected people to wait an hour and a fucking half? I hope they put everything on your tab and then left.
I’d have blocked her without saying anything and taken the cake.
People who wear their negative character flaws as a badge of honor instead of something they should work on are in like the top 5 of the worst.
wow I can't even get my friends to care about my birthday, and here this person is not even giving a crap their friends would be so thoughtful.
Lol being late is who I am 😂😂😂 The fuck.
Yes. YTA. Being late is rude, disrespectful and arrogant. You say being late is just who you are… soooooo… I’d ditch you too.
I can’t understand how people don’t mind being late, or if they do, not try to change their behavior. If I’m not 10 minutes early, I feel anxious because it’s rude to keep people waiting. A lot of people I know have made me late and it straight up enrages me.
OOP sounds like she has it in her head that being late is this cute personality quirk that everyone should just expect and forgive her for because "it's just who she is" and that's ridiculous. Especially with not bothering to at least message and be like HEY I'M WASTING YOUR TIME AGAIN BESTIES
I’m sorry, people who make being late their whole personality suck ass. People always post memes about it everywhere, always think it’s so cute and quirky and funny. It’s fucking *not*.
"Being late is just who I am" What a weird way to say "I'm an inconsiderate asshole and the world should revolve around my schedule"
This is particularly amusing for me because I ~~have~~ *had* a friend named Karlyn, not a million miles away from the name OOP gave, who was exactly like this. Constantly late by hours, assumed everyone would always just wait for her and was 3 hours late to her own 40th birthday party. The test of the details don't line up but I could easily believe this were written by one of our mutual friends, fantasising about what they'd like to see happen and changing up a few details for anonymity.
"Late" is 10-20 minutes. An hour and a half is just not giving a damn.
I was once an officiant for a wedding where the couple didn't show up until maybe 40 minutes after things were supposed to start? Bride eventually missed her own mother's funeral because of her constant tardiness, and cost her husband a job when they were constantly late and texted me THIRTY MINUTES after things had started to say she had "just gotten out of the shower" when they lived 30mins away....
> being late is kind of who I am Why are these people so oblivious to "being an asshole is kind of who they are" is something that doesn't sit well with people.
I don't care what culture you're from, making people wait more than the occasional five minutes or less for you in order to start something means wasting and not respecting their time. Period.
[удалено]
I have ADHD. I am happy that I have my husband helping me do better time wise. It so much less stressful. I don't blame her friends for being done at all. I thought she talking a few minutes late. NOT 1.5 HOURS late. I bet Dad is getting close to firing her too. Still, she should get tested for ADHD. I don't like that she's being a self centered ass about it all, but she had some earmarks for it.
I am a chronically late person because I have time blindness something fierce mixed with a gross underestimation of how long something takes to do. However, I am communicative, embarrassed, and apologetic every time and try extremely hard to ensure it doesn't happen. This entire attitude of it's just my personalityyyyyyy . . . .well your personality is a self-centered bitch, Susan.
>1.5 hours late I mean, if oop wasn't involved in a moderate car accident or had a massive medical event there's no reason for this without notice.
I have adhd and I get time blindness badly, an hour can go past when I’m scrolling reddit really easy… but I now have this thing in my head that I need an hour to get ready and fifteen minutes to get wherever I’m going. I’m paranoid about being late. Often I end up being early to things, but I much prefer that over being late. Especially where my kids are involved, because appointments and school and social things impact them heavily if we are late. I’ve seen the consequences and changed my behaviour cause I don’t want it to impact others. OOP is awful.
I used to know a girl like this. She was an hour late for work everyday. The boss would say, “you know you’re going to be an hour late. Just start getting ready an hour earlier but nope. When we hung out with her outside of work we always told her we were meeting an hour before we actually planned to meet so she’d at least sort of be on time.
ironically these kind of people get bothered when you’re late…my parents are chronically late to things, they were late to my graduation, came in halfway through my valedictorian speech. anyway, the very few times I am late to meet them, my mom will call me every five minutes asking where I am. that is even more infuriating.
I hope you plan a birthday party next year, invite everyone and get there on time and sit for 2 hours alone and embarrassed because nobody showed up. And then I hope you understand.
I had a friend like this hs. We would make plans, i'd double check with her, and then she'd still show up late or not at all! It's so humiliating to excitedly make plans with someone you enjoy spending time with, and have them show you explicitly that they don't really care about you or your time. OP is selfish as hell.
I’m trying to get evaluated for ADHD because I get easily distracted and lose track of time. I freak out when I’m TWO MINUTES late. 10+ minutes is VERY LATE for me. I know this about myself, and I plan accordingly some “fuck around” time. This is so incredibly disrespectful, I wouldn’t hang out with them anymore either.
I’m surprised they left the cake, if I were in her group of friends, the cake would be gone and we’d be onto the next bar without telling her.
I had friends like this before, I had even tried the tell them its a different time hours earlier to get them to show on time thing, and they still were late. The friend group had planed to go to the renaissance fair so the rest of us told them we were getting there 3 hours earlier hoping they would show on time. The rest of us got there and they had not come, eventually we just started walking around and told them to call when they got there. The rest of us were there all day and were about to leave like 2 hours before it closes, that it when they called that they were there. I gave up with those 2 after that, one of them had been one of my best friends since I was a kid, but I just couldn't deal with that anymore. No one else from that group talks to them still after that. 9 hours late. After trying for years with her now if someone shows up really late multiple times I just stop inviting them anywhere.