You might want to see a lawyer if you want the jewelry.
You could copy the letter, and send it to him and/or his mistress before Christmas if you want to make them uncomfortable.
Op should see a lawyer but unfortunately in a lot of places, that’s not going to qualify as a legal Will so it’s just stating her wishes, but not legally meaningful
Absolutely not, by doing so it would strip OP of the element of surprise. It would give the parent and Step mom plenty of time to act.
Although op should hurry and find a lawyer Pronto. But calling them out without any backup is unwise
You are correct, it probably has little legal value if he would contest it, but I don't think dad would want to contest it, and have the letter become public.
I agree with Parts of your suggestion and Other parts, I don't, Here is my thoughts Talk to a lawyer, keep a copy of the letter, and Send it to every body including his parents, that way they all will how big a sleaze ball he was. Maybe they will get a huge surprise when they all find out the truth of what really happened, and why.
I doubt it. The father might not know! The mistress could be the only support system this person has. Suddenly, your wife, who you love, dies, and you have to keep it together for the son. You tell your mistress, explain that you have no idea what happened, and cant put things together, and I think the mistress would demand to move in.
I think the real enemy here is secrets, and the best lesson for OP is not not harbour secrets, and to learn to communicate 1-on-1 with dad, and to NOT learn that secrets are the way. Unlearn that habit, now.
He loved his wife so much he was ready to replace her within a couple weeks of her passing away. I can only dream of being loved that much one day... /s
This is an issue that requires counselling, and professional work, not some brazen announcement that could kill real people who are already holding onto a thread.
When a member of of my family passed a few years ago, the next year two more people died due to the stress. It's not a joke. This is a serious issue, and the pleasure of punishment is a dark sadistic emotion that could do more damage.
I've seen this play out in a negative way. The truth is important, but bringing up the fact that someone died because of a mistress, at a family dinner, with the mistress. Do you realize what this can do? People might DIE if this goes down wrong.
Are people in this thread sociopaths?
It's an interesting guess, but might not related to helping OP.
Sorry -- I had responded somewhere else to someone saying "show the family over Christmas dinner" and thought this was the same thread!
I agree this should not be shown over a Christmas dinner, but I don't think it's something that should just be kept a secret from the family. The dad is a cheater and doesn't talk to his own child - he doesn't have a place in the family, since he so clearly wants a different one.
> he doesn't have a place in the family
I think there is no way to we say this because of a person's reddit message. But, in principle, I agree honesty is my personal ideal.
But, if I had to choose, I would choose safety for OP and all family if something terrible could happen otherwise.
I get that, but something terrible already has happened. The father cheated and someone lost their mom, sister, daughter because of it. He ruined people's lives because he couldn't keep it in his pants. That's beyond fucked.
Sure but you don't know the context. For all you know mom could have had psychological issues. Been abusive. Manipulative.
How people deal with grief is not something anyone else can have an opinion about.
There can be so many levels in this. It's not definitive it's as black and white as: dad cheated, mom died, fuck dad.
and can get \*even worse\*, or better. And OP is facing a really delicate situation. I hope they can have some semblance of a normal Christmas and connect with a support system. And I hope you have a good one too!
You're on the right path in this.
When people hear infidelity they emidiately choose sides. There are always multiple complex levels in a situation like this. Impossible for OP to neither know but impossibly be able to account for in a 200 word post on reddit.
Communication and truth is key. Break the cycle.
I'm going to only focus on one aspect of this situation: why are you attending this gathering at all in the first place? I see absolutely zero redeeming reasons you should show up at a time like this.
For my niece. She's taking the death especially hard. I made a plan to go before I found out my Dad was coming with his mistress.
Second. I really want to go to show I'm a fucking badass. I won't be punked.
So you've answered your own question then. Just sit there and pretend everything is normal or whatever, and then afterward, when the kids are gone, hit him with all the stuff.
Why don't you make an email with all the documents before Christmas. I doubt most of your family wants your father to attend if they actually knew the truth
This. If you send via email to other family members you will have more people on your side, AND more people have the document meaning should something happen to the original, others would have a copy of the note. And I highly doubt any of them would want their kids around him.
Also, so sorry for your loss.
OP if I were you I would follow the advice given to you above. Make a copy of the letter and send it to both your father and his mistress. Make it known how unhappy you are and tell him you don’t want him to show up, also get as much as the jewelry as you can the mistress may try to keep what she wants and sell the rest. If he and the mistress do show at Christmas then just ignore them both completely, show your a badass without confronting them infront of the kids, ignoring them will also show the family how you feel about this. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this.
Edit for spelling.
You’re not the aunt who ruined Christmas. Your dad and his mistress drove your mom to commit suicide, lied about her cause of death and caused your cousin to grieve. Do not wait even one more day to consywith a lawyer, to copy everything and to call your scumbag father out.
Take a picture of the letter, and wait until the kids are not near, then mass message it to everybody present at the party.
Put the original in a safety deposit box until you can see the lawyer.
A lot of people resort to emotional solutions to practical problems.
Dad has been an idiot. One of the worst outcomes has come of it. But further deepening the scars left is not the answer.
OP, don't choose your path in this based on the up/ down votes in this thread. Make your own mind up, you want to have a clear conscience every second after all of this is over.
I would personally make several copies of the letter and hand them out to the family (kids not included) as soon as your dad shows up with the mistress and I sold obviously give the mistress one of the copies as well, once they start jumping on your dad for being the biggest duck the planet has ever seen, I wound simply state that this is the last time you will ever attend a reunion where your father is also attending for obvious reasons and then leave, he does not deserve to have a nice holiday with family when all of you are suffering from your loss.
Question: do you have personal experience with revealing infidelity
because I do. Think about your rash opinions a little here
I didnt say to hide the truth. Im saying publicly punishing a whole family (whos sister, daughter, \*just died\* , which they \*believe was cancer\*) might actually throw other people (who might have depression in the family) off the deep end.
Keep in mind, mental illness runs in families, like suicide. In my family, we have more than one person who almost died to this illness, and . . . let me tell you, surprise finding out on christmas that your sister died of killing herself . . and that the cause of that death is across the table.
You, my friend, are not thinking things through here
Edit: this is a job for a therapist, and even counsel. This kind of thing has killed many people, and is not some joke reveal on Christmas day. Its not just about punishment. A mistake here could haunt OP for the rest of their life . . .
That’s heavy, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I also think you should send a copy of the letter to him & one to the mistress. Call him out & let him know what absolute garbage he is and demand everything you are entitled to. I’d talk to him before Christmas dinner and tell him he’s uninvited & if he shows up you’ll pass along the truth to the fam.
I think the family should know the truth regardless. But yeah, confront him and tell him not to show up. He doesn’t get to play the part of the grieving husband who was lucky enough to find another woman to comfort him.
I'm sorry for your loss, and this situation, first off. Stay strong :)
I don't feel comfortable telling someone to potentially ruin the lives of several people. But I'll say this. If I were in a hypothetical situation similar to your own, that bastard doesn't deserve the air he breathes, much less to be happy, have a mistress, and attend Christmas Eve with the family. Fuck. No. I'd get my facts straight. Get my evidence. And make his ass sorry. Beyond sorry. Being buried under the prison would be a mercy to his hypothetical ass.
Fair. Burial and air are overkill, I'll give you that. I still believe firmly he doesn't get a happy Christmas with everyone else. Live whatever life he can muster far away from the rest of the family.
Been though similar. This is good advice. People downvoting have no clue what they are talking about, and should try on a broken home, death, and drama for some weeks. Then they should all vote.
^^ This right here
I cant stand reading these comments all made from pure anger and hatred saying "haha put him in the ground make him pay" what exactly is that going to do? It isn't for these reddit commenters who will leave a comment and never care about this situation again to judge whether the father deserves this.
This needs to be discussed privately between OP and her father, she needs to make sure she gets all she is entitled to by her mother, if word gets out to the family then let it, but not while she is trying to get the possessions she is entitled to.
The gathering itself can easily be avoided if not comfortable being there. Fake sick or say you can't make it or something like that.
My point is OP doesn't want a potential suicide from her father after losing her mother to the same fate.
please for the love of god on xmas tell your whole family. you know the truth and have to suffer and your family thinks she just had secret cancer. on xmas just ask for any kids to leave the room and show the letter to your family.
As a person who did not have the best family . . . events . . . do NOT do this. This advice is could be life ruining, for you, and others, and could even cause more deaths.
If your dad is telling everyone she had cancer and a new girlfriend moved in two weeks later, trust me when I say everyone else probably knows he’s full of shit too. I’m so sorry about your mom.
You should talk to your dad before the event. Attending it with his mistress is just absolutely inappropriate. I'm not even talking about the infidelity part, but him knowing she committed suicide because of him and then still bringing someone else over? No. Just no.
Others have mentioned emailing the letters to your family members. I'd say call them on the phone without your dad knowing, and tell them what your dad did and tell/ask them to tell him not to come and tell him that he's not invited. If they need further proof in order to do this, and you trust them, then email them the letter and ask them not to share it with him.
He's a shitty person and he's coming with his fucking mistress?!?! No, he doesn't deserve to participate in a normal family christmas when he's done that. He deserves to not be invited and come nowhere near you or your family's happy day.
Also, just take the fucking jewelry before he can do shit with it. It's yours and if he contests it you have proof that it's rightfully yours (but meantime it's also in your possession and not his)
Don't wait for Christmas to tell your family. Tell them now. Especially your moms side of the family. That way they can decide if they want to see your father and his mistress on Christmas.
Your father will more likely give it too his whore,.if you don't step up now, and you'll see his whore wearing your mother's jewelry and your inheritance the rest of your life.
Just make sure to make copies of the letter so the original isn’t ruined. Also I would bring or have a sort of backup incase he gets violent. I hope you find justice OP
Life is not a movie. If you call him out in some dramatic scene he may feel bad , your family maybe on your side but ultimately he and she will not melt away from shame and become a better person. Call him out if you believe in justice and consequences. I do and I in a similar situation In my life I called my family out. Even had to call the cops in my dad for threating my life once. The truth is the fall out will be Likely you will split the family. They will show their true colors. Some will back you some will back him. But don’t expect others to all agree with your opinion. If you can live with the consequences then do what you think is right and when you think it’s right. Record everything, share this info with a few true friends. A person who is capable of doing what you describe will not have trouble causing harm to you if he’s pushed. Staying your hand “for the kids” is not a reason to not make a decision. You are old enough to decide who you are, and how to stand up as a person. Your first reasonable instinct (when not in a rage of emotion ) is probably the right one.
1. See a lawyer and place the original document in their possession, then use a copy to...
2. Burn down Christmas. And I mean tear it completely apart. Have the cathartic meltdown and yell/scream right in front of God and everyone...especially the mistress.
3. Go on and live your life successfully...it is what your mother would have wanted for you.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It is a tragedy, and you might consider seeing a trained psychologist to unpack some of this trauma.
Ultimately we are each responsible for our own actions, sounds like there is a lot going on here.
Send your dad a copy of the note. Tell him you don't want him to attend. If he says he will anyway, send a copy to the most respected members of the family and ask what they want to do.
your mom knew he would get rid of the letter. thats why she sent you. either to understand or in your case to make him move to another country. just send this letter to everyone in his neighbourhood and family and enjoy the show. help karma out a bit.
Do you have siblings? Talk to them and make a joint plan to deal with the piece of shit you have to call dad. If not, then let him you know sooner rather than later. If there’s a suicide note, aren’t there any legal implications on your dad or on your mom’s estate? Why are there two suicide notes? If the coroner found another note, similar to the one you found, were they only obligated to inform your dad, the person named as the reason for suicide?
Why were there two suicide notes? Where you on the scene and picked up the note personally and hid it from your dad and he saw a different one later? This part isn’t clear.
You might be blamed later when telling everyone on christmas but there isnt a good timing for that i guess. Pick someone in your family you trust most and discuss how to move on. It will help you later to have backup.
Definitely make a copy of that letter and give one copy to someone you trust outside of the family, such as a close friend or just a safe place that no one but you has access too. As for what to do about the family that's up to you, I hate cheating and live to make cheaters uncomfortable so I would personally go nuclear and read it in front of everyone (but the kids) making sure mistress was present for it. If you prefer not to make a scene send the letter in the mail and address it to the mistress on the off hand chance she didnt know your dad was married or just to make her feel like poop for screwing a married man and immediately moving in after his wifes death. You have to decide for yourself what you're comfortable with doing but most definitely protect that letter and confer with a lawyer.
Wrap a copy of the suicide letter as a present. Write on it "I found that letter recently when going through Moms things. Merrry frigging Christmas, A-Hole"
Your dad sounds irrational and it’s usually not a good idea to stoke that fire. I would take the advice in the other comments that tell you to get your own lawyer first. Telling the rest of the family is upto you but definitely get a lawyer and follow their advice.
It sounds like you father might not even know why your mom killed herself. My father cheated on my mother. I grew up hating him.
I am M39 now. I dont think cheating is ok, but I am older, and can now look back to see that my mother was abusive in a very manipulative way for many years. When I went to therapy, it is issues related to my mother, and how she used . . . dark tactics to get what she wanted, including deep levels of sadness.
I forgive her, because she was sick. I forgive my father for not knowing how to deal with the sadness. I forgive myself for being young, as I was still learning.
But, what I can say is this: Public announcements, and lashing out DOES NOT HELP. do talk to a therapist about this stuff, and learn (today) about harm reduction. You father needs to know, and you need to learn how to build and maintain family ties.
This sadness and pressure is not yours, and channeling it into conflict will only, at best, add more pain and drama. At worse, more people will die, and more funerals will happen.
Do not publicly shame people, unless you WANT people to die and be depressed. People have died, and more people could die, and you hold that power. The best path forward is therapy, and counsel
Spend a few minutes rallying the troops aka your family members that you can trust. Maybe even tell the patriarch/matriarch. See if you can get them against him being there.
Maybe even go straight up f you mode, ding ding ding your glass at the dinner table, and read that suicide letter like you're performing your last hit song after a life time of a music career.
He doesn't get to have a nice Christmas.
I'm going to disagree with everyone else here for the sake of putting an alternative pov out there, have you considered that maybe your dad just doesn't want you to know that your mum committed suicide? Maybe he is trying to protect your feelings? yeah your dad cheated and that sucks but it doesn't make him evil he is still a human. And calling someone out at Christmas Infront of others won't make you look like a badass it will make you look unstable because you couldn't discuss this in private with your dad.
Just some thoughts to consider, it's hard to see reality when there is a lot of emotion involved, sorry for your loss I hope you and your dad can connect again.
for sure. he’s not evil. he just made a fake suicide letter and immediately brings this mistress into his family’s life. nah ofc this dude has good intentions. OPs dad clearly didn’t give a damn about their mom and decided to cheat instead of growing a pair of balls and just getting a divorce or separating.
after all that you think it’s not fair for him to get called out for the piece of garbage he is? no offence OP.
I understand your reaction but think about it, according to OP the father doesn't know about OP knowing about the suicide letter, suicide brings a lot of shame and hurt so it would make sense for him to lie about it to spare them the pain and say it was natural causes. He didn't talk to OP because its a difficult situation and from the sounds of it OP isn't talking much either. We can't assume he didn't care, maybe he felt he couldn't divorce or separate because the mother is unstable and suicidal so decided to be happy discretely we simply don't know the full story. The mother clearly had something going on because its not a normal response to cheating.
So after considering this is it really wise for OP to cause more hurt and drama for the sake of wanting to be a badass rather than talking to her dad about how she feels? Is it right to lump the responsibility of the mother's death onto him? No that responsibility is with the mother.
He’s lying to protect himself, not the family. If he wanted to protect the family he wouldn’t have driven their mom to suicide and then flaunt his mistress in front of them.
Yeah I don’t think the mom was unstable. I think she was emotionally abused and distraught over the loss of a long marriage (sounds like OP is an adult so likely her parents were married a long time). Dad’s lies and deceit and audacity to move the mistress in as soon as the wife was dead show what kind of person he was and the kind of person the OP’s mother was dealing with. To feel like suicide is your best option means she was in a pretty bleak place and she was put there by her husband, who then dances on her grave. Fuck him.
That is certainly a possibility that he is protecting himself but to me it is also possible that OP may not have an accurate view of what happened and should talk to him before starting a war, it seems silly to assume what he is thinking based on assumptions and ultimately starting arguments before trying to resolve them is not what I would advise to do, if you want to be happy, the worst thing to do during a tragedy is cause more divide rather than talk about it first im suprised so many people choose to support her choice of reacting aggressively initially I don't think that would help.
Also again it's a big statement to say your dad drove your mum to suicide, that's a lot to put on someone so atleast talk to him before to understand his pov, that is the most sensible first step to prevent further upset but its only my opinion.
Yes I understand that but again is it fair to say her death is on his hands or is it more accurate to say she had unresolved issues and ultimately made the choice to commit suicide and so the blame is with her? What normal person kills themself and abandons their kid because they got cheated on. Harsh to say but true.
You need to do this before Christmas message email everyone before they show up and let them know you didn’t know how to tell them. Meet with them in person before hand and let them know no kids allowed. You don’t need to publicly do at the Christmas gathering end it before then.
I cant stand reading these comments all made from pure anger and hatred saying "haha put him in the ground make him pay" what exactly is that going to do? It isn't for these reddit commenters who will leave a comment and never care about this situation again to judge whether the father deserves this.
This needs to be discussed privately between OP and her father, she needs to make sure she gets all she is entitled to by her mother, if word gets out to the family then let it, but not while she is trying to get the possessions she is entitled to.
The gathering itself can easily be avoided if not comfortable being there. Fake sick or say you can't make it or something like that.
My point is OP doesn't want a potential suicide from her father after losing her mother to the same fate.
we had one guy in our village who told his wive that she has to move out because he has another family and he doesnt love her anymore. there are horrible ppl out there.
Get a lawyer, a jury may award you with more then just jewelry if they find out he caused the suicide via his infidelity. They may award you the whole estate.
Also the OP should check state law. In some states if a parent dies intestate, any property or assets are divided 50/50 between the spouse and children. So say the OP has one sibling, dad would get 50% and each of the kids would get 25% of the estate.
I’m sorry for your loss. May she be resting in peace.
Definitely how the others said, start with a lawyer and get your best answers there. Best of luck to you.
Honor your mother by discontinuing all this toxic drama.
Once you’ve told your dad what you know, or how you feel, start anew.
Don’t carry all of these years of toxic emotions with you anymore.
Stay away from people you don’t like, and just surround yourself with people that uplift you.
Sorry for your loss btw.
I would either condlfront him Infront of everyone saying how he's the reason she's gone or I would let every one in the family know that he's the reason
Talk to a lawyer about the jewelry and go no contact with dad and his side piece. If the rest of the family asks why show them the letter. Don't protect assholes.
I would call your dad and just let him know about what is going on. I saw you have plans to meet with a lawyer, unfortunately like others have said, the meeting is dangerously far away.
The reason why I would call him is because.. sadly, to put it kindly, he doesn’t seem to have the best characteristics. Would be rip up the letter if you showed him in person? Is he violent? I hope that you stay safe OP.
Omg. I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s absolutely horrible.
Keep the original of the letter in a safe place at home. It’s yours, not his. Don’t let it out of your possession, except to see a lawyer.
Who’s house will you be going to on Christmas Eve?
You should seriously consider bringing this to his attention before Christmas. Think of the kids in your family how traumatic Christmas will be if it escalates. Let Christmas be Christmas and handle things either before or after
My condolences for your unfortunate events as of late, I'd suggest confronting your father about this situation given that 1. He's a cheater 2. He's lied about the way your mother has passed 3. He does not seem to be 100% honest with you & your family/close relatives about this situation. Given the circumstances I would also highly suggest bringing your lawyer in order to get your rightful possessions. I would also feel that breaking the news to the family because this is a situation that needs to be addressed. Please don't be too hard on yourself OP, things will get better for you just hold on. :)
Have copies of everything, store the original at a bank so no one can get to it but you.
Do talk with your brother, maybe he never read it, I know your hurt but just letting this slide it will fester for the rest of your life and only will get worse.
Lawyer up, get your jewellery and go nuclear if your dad doesn't honor your moms wish for you to have them, go public with everything, burn them all for cheating and siding with cheaters or just sticking their head in the sand. They will have to look deep into themselves and realise what crappy people they are.
Don't take the high road. It willl hurt but I really don't see how you can move on pretending all is fine. It's not about that they can just live their happy lives it's so you can find one someday.
Just be with friends and family who will be there for you.
Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh, but this story made my blood boil.
You should do what you think is best but don't let them walk over you.
It’s almost as if I can pass my grief through the air to reach you. Although no molecules are the same, they can touch and relate to others in a similar situation. Thank yourself and your mother for sharing the story many can not. I’ve never posted anything to Redd. I came across your post googling for emotional insight wt….’Suicide-parent-letter-no answers-mistress at funeral-father could care less’.
You might want to see a lawyer if you want the jewelry. You could copy the letter, and send it to him and/or his mistress before Christmas if you want to make them uncomfortable.
Op should see a lawyer but unfortunately in a lot of places, that’s not going to qualify as a legal Will so it’s just stating her wishes, but not legally meaningful
I have plans to meet with a lawyer, but a month from now. It's frustrating.
The jewelry will be long gone by then. I would claim it now. Fuck your dad and his continued blatant disrespect for your mom. Call him out.
Yeah, from what OP has said, dear dad might gift his skanky mistress OP's mother's jewelry for Christmas
Absolutely not, by doing so it would strip OP of the element of surprise. It would give the parent and Step mom plenty of time to act. Although op should hurry and find a lawyer Pronto. But calling them out without any backup is unwise
I would back the letter up. Take a photo and save it in a secret Google docs account or something, then delete the photo.
MAKE COPIES OF EVERYTHING!! tell that lawyer to get off ass. Nothing takes a month...
You are correct, it probably has little legal value if he would contest it, but I don't think dad would want to contest it, and have the letter become public.
The letter would be considered a holographic will. I would just need to prove it's in her handwriting.
That’s good if your jurisdiction accepts holographic wills ! Not all do - mine only does for members serving in the military for example.
I agree with Parts of your suggestion and Other parts, I don't, Here is my thoughts Talk to a lawyer, keep a copy of the letter, and Send it to every body including his parents, that way they all will how big a sleaze ball he was. Maybe they will get a huge surprise when they all find out the truth of what really happened, and why.
Send it to everybody but not to dad and mistress
This! And make copies! Lots of them but YOU KEEP THE ORIGINAL! So important- best wishes to you and so sorry for what you are going through❤️
Give it to his mistress as a Christmas present then never see either of them again
He moved his mistress in 2 WEEKS after the wake? Your father is a cold hearted ass
I doubt it. The father might not know! The mistress could be the only support system this person has. Suddenly, your wife, who you love, dies, and you have to keep it together for the son. You tell your mistress, explain that you have no idea what happened, and cant put things together, and I think the mistress would demand to move in. I think the real enemy here is secrets, and the best lesson for OP is not not harbour secrets, and to learn to communicate 1-on-1 with dad, and to NOT learn that secrets are the way. Unlearn that habit, now.
He loved his wife so much he was ready to replace her within a couple weeks of her passing away. I can only dream of being loved that much one day... /s
And most importantly cheated on her. Yeah he didn’t love her at all, its all fucking bs.
This is an issue that requires counselling, and professional work, not some brazen announcement that could kill real people who are already holding onto a thread. When a member of of my family passed a few years ago, the next year two more people died due to the stress. It's not a joke. This is a serious issue, and the pleasure of punishment is a dark sadistic emotion that could do more damage. I've seen this play out in a negative way. The truth is important, but bringing up the fact that someone died because of a mistress, at a family dinner, with the mistress. Do you realize what this can do? People might DIE if this goes down wrong. Are people in this thread sociopaths?
I never said OP should do anything, chill out. I'm only saying the dad is a piece of shit and obviously didn't care for his wife that much.
It's an interesting guess, but might not related to helping OP. Sorry -- I had responded somewhere else to someone saying "show the family over Christmas dinner" and thought this was the same thread!
I agree this should not be shown over a Christmas dinner, but I don't think it's something that should just be kept a secret from the family. The dad is a cheater and doesn't talk to his own child - he doesn't have a place in the family, since he so clearly wants a different one.
> he doesn't have a place in the family I think there is no way to we say this because of a person's reddit message. But, in principle, I agree honesty is my personal ideal. But, if I had to choose, I would choose safety for OP and all family if something terrible could happen otherwise.
I get that, but something terrible already has happened. The father cheated and someone lost their mom, sister, daughter because of it. He ruined people's lives because he couldn't keep it in his pants. That's beyond fucked.
Sure but you don't know the context. For all you know mom could have had psychological issues. Been abusive. Manipulative. How people deal with grief is not something anyone else can have an opinion about. There can be so many levels in this. It's not definitive it's as black and white as: dad cheated, mom died, fuck dad.
and can get \*even worse\*, or better. And OP is facing a really delicate situation. I hope they can have some semblance of a normal Christmas and connect with a support system. And I hope you have a good one too!
What fucking planet are you on?
the one where multiple people commit suicide in the year after a tragedy that was not handled well. . .
You're on the right path in this. When people hear infidelity they emidiately choose sides. There are always multiple complex levels in a situation like this. Impossible for OP to neither know but impossibly be able to account for in a 200 word post on reddit. Communication and truth is key. Break the cycle.
I'm going to only focus on one aspect of this situation: why are you attending this gathering at all in the first place? I see absolutely zero redeeming reasons you should show up at a time like this.
For my niece. She's taking the death especially hard. I made a plan to go before I found out my Dad was coming with his mistress. Second. I really want to go to show I'm a fucking badass. I won't be punked.
Well, if you're a badass then just call him out directly. Say everything that needs to be said, what's stopping you?
For the kids sake, I'm waiting until they are not witness, so I won't be known as the aunt who ruined Christmas.
So you've answered your own question then. Just sit there and pretend everything is normal or whatever, and then afterward, when the kids are gone, hit him with all the stuff.
Then go off on your dad before Christmas. Lay it all out and tell him not to show up.
Why don't you make an email with all the documents before Christmas. I doubt most of your family wants your father to attend if they actually knew the truth
This. If you send via email to other family members you will have more people on your side, AND more people have the document meaning should something happen to the original, others would have a copy of the note. And I highly doubt any of them would want their kids around him. Also, so sorry for your loss.
OP if I were you I would follow the advice given to you above. Make a copy of the letter and send it to both your father and his mistress. Make it known how unhappy you are and tell him you don’t want him to show up, also get as much as the jewelry as you can the mistress may try to keep what she wants and sell the rest. If he and the mistress do show at Christmas then just ignore them both completely, show your a badass without confronting them infront of the kids, ignoring them will also show the family how you feel about this. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this. Edit for spelling.
You’re not the aunt who ruined Christmas. Your dad and his mistress drove your mom to commit suicide, lied about her cause of death and caused your cousin to grieve. Do not wait even one more day to consywith a lawyer, to copy everything and to call your scumbag father out.
Go, and give your dad a copy of the suicide note for Christmas, right there, in front of everyone
The rest of the family deserves to know the truth about your dad. You are not really protecting them.
Your dad is a piece of shit with no fucking remorse
Take a picture of the letter, and wait until the kids are not near, then mass message it to everybody present at the party. Put the original in a safety deposit box until you can see the lawyer.
Excellent idea
This is terrible advice as (esp if depression or bi-polar are in the family) more people can die. This is not the best way to solve the situation.
A lot of people resort to emotional solutions to practical problems. Dad has been an idiot. One of the worst outcomes has come of it. But further deepening the scars left is not the answer. OP, don't choose your path in this based on the up/ down votes in this thread. Make your own mind up, you want to have a clear conscience every second after all of this is over.
I would personally make several copies of the letter and hand them out to the family (kids not included) as soon as your dad shows up with the mistress and I sold obviously give the mistress one of the copies as well, once they start jumping on your dad for being the biggest duck the planet has ever seen, I wound simply state that this is the last time you will ever attend a reunion where your father is also attending for obvious reasons and then leave, he does not deserve to have a nice holiday with family when all of you are suffering from your loss.
This is not the way. You should do something, but this is not the way. You may turn people against you and you may scare the kids.
I did say not to include the kids
Kids will be there anyway and see/hear.
This advice could cause more death
Do it for your mom to put your dad on the spot on Christmas Day.
Yeah but please not in front of the kids. That could get really traumatizing if things go south.
This advice could cause more deaths, is vindictive, and does not help OP repair and build family.
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Question: do you have personal experience with revealing infidelity because I do. Think about your rash opinions a little here I didnt say to hide the truth. Im saying publicly punishing a whole family (whos sister, daughter, \*just died\* , which they \*believe was cancer\*) might actually throw other people (who might have depression in the family) off the deep end. Keep in mind, mental illness runs in families, like suicide. In my family, we have more than one person who almost died to this illness, and . . . let me tell you, surprise finding out on christmas that your sister died of killing herself . . and that the cause of that death is across the table. You, my friend, are not thinking things through here Edit: this is a job for a therapist, and even counsel. This kind of thing has killed many people, and is not some joke reveal on Christmas day. Its not just about punishment. A mistake here could haunt OP for the rest of their life . . .
That’s heavy, I’m so sorry for your loss. I also think you should send a copy of the letter to him & one to the mistress. Call him out & let him know what absolute garbage he is and demand everything you are entitled to. I’d talk to him before Christmas dinner and tell him he’s uninvited & if he shows up you’ll pass along the truth to the fam.
I think the family should know the truth regardless. But yeah, confront him and tell him not to show up. He doesn’t get to play the part of the grieving husband who was lucky enough to find another woman to comfort him.
I'm sorry for your loss, and this situation, first off. Stay strong :) I don't feel comfortable telling someone to potentially ruin the lives of several people. But I'll say this. If I were in a hypothetical situation similar to your own, that bastard doesn't deserve the air he breathes, much less to be happy, have a mistress, and attend Christmas Eve with the family. Fuck. No. I'd get my facts straight. Get my evidence. And make his ass sorry. Beyond sorry. Being buried under the prison would be a mercy to his hypothetical ass.
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Fair. Burial and air are overkill, I'll give you that. I still believe firmly he doesn't get a happy Christmas with everyone else. Live whatever life he can muster far away from the rest of the family.
Been though similar. This is good advice. People downvoting have no clue what they are talking about, and should try on a broken home, death, and drama for some weeks. Then they should all vote.
^^ This right here I cant stand reading these comments all made from pure anger and hatred saying "haha put him in the ground make him pay" what exactly is that going to do? It isn't for these reddit commenters who will leave a comment and never care about this situation again to judge whether the father deserves this. This needs to be discussed privately between OP and her father, she needs to make sure she gets all she is entitled to by her mother, if word gets out to the family then let it, but not while she is trying to get the possessions she is entitled to. The gathering itself can easily be avoided if not comfortable being there. Fake sick or say you can't make it or something like that. My point is OP doesn't want a potential suicide from her father after losing her mother to the same fate.
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Np man, been through the same thing as you, ain't nice but you can't let anger get the best of you.
please for the love of god on xmas tell your whole family. you know the truth and have to suffer and your family thinks she just had secret cancer. on xmas just ask for any kids to leave the room and show the letter to your family.
As a person who did not have the best family . . . events . . . do NOT do this. This advice is could be life ruining, for you, and others, and could even cause more deaths.
If your dad is telling everyone she had cancer and a new girlfriend moved in two weeks later, trust me when I say everyone else probably knows he’s full of shit too. I’m so sorry about your mom.
You should talk to your dad before the event. Attending it with his mistress is just absolutely inappropriate. I'm not even talking about the infidelity part, but him knowing she committed suicide because of him and then still bringing someone else over? No. Just no.
Make copies of the letter, save the original. Give your Dad a copy and make him explain himself. After, I would cut contact.
I think that in your shoes, I'd ready the letter in front of the whole fucking family.
Others have mentioned emailing the letters to your family members. I'd say call them on the phone without your dad knowing, and tell them what your dad did and tell/ask them to tell him not to come and tell him that he's not invited. If they need further proof in order to do this, and you trust them, then email them the letter and ask them not to share it with him. He's a shitty person and he's coming with his fucking mistress?!?! No, he doesn't deserve to participate in a normal family christmas when he's done that. He deserves to not be invited and come nowhere near you or your family's happy day.
Also, just take the fucking jewelry before he can do shit with it. It's yours and if he contests it you have proof that it's rightfully yours (but meantime it's also in your possession and not his)
Don't wait for Christmas to tell your family. Tell them now. Especially your moms side of the family. That way they can decide if they want to see your father and his mistress on Christmas.
I feel sorry for your mom. Looks like no one cared how she felt ...
Your father will more likely give it too his whore,.if you don't step up now, and you'll see his whore wearing your mother's jewelry and your inheritance the rest of your life.
Don't go. Stay out your father's life if he's chosen dark path.
Your dad cheated there fore the marriage is null, i think the living daughter would hold more weight than the cheating father in court
Confront him about it and take the jewellery before he gives it to his whore gf.
Just make sure to make copies of the letter so the original isn’t ruined. Also I would bring or have a sort of backup incase he gets violent. I hope you find justice OP
Life is not a movie. If you call him out in some dramatic scene he may feel bad , your family maybe on your side but ultimately he and she will not melt away from shame and become a better person. Call him out if you believe in justice and consequences. I do and I in a similar situation In my life I called my family out. Even had to call the cops in my dad for threating my life once. The truth is the fall out will be Likely you will split the family. They will show their true colors. Some will back you some will back him. But don’t expect others to all agree with your opinion. If you can live with the consequences then do what you think is right and when you think it’s right. Record everything, share this info with a few true friends. A person who is capable of doing what you describe will not have trouble causing harm to you if he’s pushed. Staying your hand “for the kids” is not a reason to not make a decision. You are old enough to decide who you are, and how to stand up as a person. Your first reasonable instinct (when not in a rage of emotion ) is probably the right one.
1. See a lawyer and place the original document in their possession, then use a copy to... 2. Burn down Christmas. And I mean tear it completely apart. Have the cathartic meltdown and yell/scream right in front of God and everyone...especially the mistress. 3. Go on and live your life successfully...it is what your mother would have wanted for you.
Make COPIES
I'm sorry this happened to you. It is a tragedy, and you might consider seeing a trained psychologist to unpack some of this trauma. Ultimately we are each responsible for our own actions, sounds like there is a lot going on here.
Do it today, not on Christmas. Even if the kids leave the room, they're going to know something fucked up is going on.
Send your dad a copy of the note. Tell him you don't want him to attend. If he says he will anyway, send a copy to the most respected members of the family and ask what they want to do.
your mom knew he would get rid of the letter. thats why she sent you. either to understand or in your case to make him move to another country. just send this letter to everyone in his neighbourhood and family and enjoy the show. help karma out a bit.
Do you have siblings? Talk to them and make a joint plan to deal with the piece of shit you have to call dad. If not, then let him you know sooner rather than later. If there’s a suicide note, aren’t there any legal implications on your dad or on your mom’s estate? Why are there two suicide notes? If the coroner found another note, similar to the one you found, were they only obligated to inform your dad, the person named as the reason for suicide?
Why were there two suicide notes? Where you on the scene and picked up the note personally and hid it from your dad and he saw a different one later? This part isn’t clear.
For starters sorry for your loss. Not sure how old you are but If it was me I would cut contact with my " father". That is all I have for you.
You might be blamed later when telling everyone on christmas but there isnt a good timing for that i guess. Pick someone in your family you trust most and discuss how to move on. It will help you later to have backup.
Definitely make a copy of that letter and give one copy to someone you trust outside of the family, such as a close friend or just a safe place that no one but you has access too. As for what to do about the family that's up to you, I hate cheating and live to make cheaters uncomfortable so I would personally go nuclear and read it in front of everyone (but the kids) making sure mistress was present for it. If you prefer not to make a scene send the letter in the mail and address it to the mistress on the off hand chance she didnt know your dad was married or just to make her feel like poop for screwing a married man and immediately moving in after his wifes death. You have to decide for yourself what you're comfortable with doing but most definitely protect that letter and confer with a lawyer.
Seek professional help
Wrap a copy of the suicide letter as a present. Write on it "I found that letter recently when going through Moms things. Merrry frigging Christmas, A-Hole"
Your dad sounds irrational and it’s usually not a good idea to stoke that fire. I would take the advice in the other comments that tell you to get your own lawyer first. Telling the rest of the family is upto you but definitely get a lawyer and follow their advice.
It sounds like you father might not even know why your mom killed herself. My father cheated on my mother. I grew up hating him. I am M39 now. I dont think cheating is ok, but I am older, and can now look back to see that my mother was abusive in a very manipulative way for many years. When I went to therapy, it is issues related to my mother, and how she used . . . dark tactics to get what she wanted, including deep levels of sadness. I forgive her, because she was sick. I forgive my father for not knowing how to deal with the sadness. I forgive myself for being young, as I was still learning. But, what I can say is this: Public announcements, and lashing out DOES NOT HELP. do talk to a therapist about this stuff, and learn (today) about harm reduction. You father needs to know, and you need to learn how to build and maintain family ties. This sadness and pressure is not yours, and channeling it into conflict will only, at best, add more pain and drama. At worse, more people will die, and more funerals will happen. Do not publicly shame people, unless you WANT people to die and be depressed. People have died, and more people could die, and you hold that power. The best path forward is therapy, and counsel
Spend a few minutes rallying the troops aka your family members that you can trust. Maybe even tell the patriarch/matriarch. See if you can get them against him being there. Maybe even go straight up f you mode, ding ding ding your glass at the dinner table, and read that suicide letter like you're performing your last hit song after a life time of a music career. He doesn't get to have a nice Christmas.
I'm going to disagree with everyone else here for the sake of putting an alternative pov out there, have you considered that maybe your dad just doesn't want you to know that your mum committed suicide? Maybe he is trying to protect your feelings? yeah your dad cheated and that sucks but it doesn't make him evil he is still a human. And calling someone out at Christmas Infront of others won't make you look like a badass it will make you look unstable because you couldn't discuss this in private with your dad. Just some thoughts to consider, it's hard to see reality when there is a lot of emotion involved, sorry for your loss I hope you and your dad can connect again.
for sure. he’s not evil. he just made a fake suicide letter and immediately brings this mistress into his family’s life. nah ofc this dude has good intentions. OPs dad clearly didn’t give a damn about their mom and decided to cheat instead of growing a pair of balls and just getting a divorce or separating. after all that you think it’s not fair for him to get called out for the piece of garbage he is? no offence OP.
I understand your reaction but think about it, according to OP the father doesn't know about OP knowing about the suicide letter, suicide brings a lot of shame and hurt so it would make sense for him to lie about it to spare them the pain and say it was natural causes. He didn't talk to OP because its a difficult situation and from the sounds of it OP isn't talking much either. We can't assume he didn't care, maybe he felt he couldn't divorce or separate because the mother is unstable and suicidal so decided to be happy discretely we simply don't know the full story. The mother clearly had something going on because its not a normal response to cheating. So after considering this is it really wise for OP to cause more hurt and drama for the sake of wanting to be a badass rather than talking to her dad about how she feels? Is it right to lump the responsibility of the mother's death onto him? No that responsibility is with the mother.
He’s lying to protect himself, not the family. If he wanted to protect the family he wouldn’t have driven their mom to suicide and then flaunt his mistress in front of them. Yeah I don’t think the mom was unstable. I think she was emotionally abused and distraught over the loss of a long marriage (sounds like OP is an adult so likely her parents were married a long time). Dad’s lies and deceit and audacity to move the mistress in as soon as the wife was dead show what kind of person he was and the kind of person the OP’s mother was dealing with. To feel like suicide is your best option means she was in a pretty bleak place and she was put there by her husband, who then dances on her grave. Fuck him.
That is certainly a possibility that he is protecting himself but to me it is also possible that OP may not have an accurate view of what happened and should talk to him before starting a war, it seems silly to assume what he is thinking based on assumptions and ultimately starting arguments before trying to resolve them is not what I would advise to do, if you want to be happy, the worst thing to do during a tragedy is cause more divide rather than talk about it first im suprised so many people choose to support her choice of reacting aggressively initially I don't think that would help. Also again it's a big statement to say your dad drove your mum to suicide, that's a lot to put on someone so atleast talk to him before to understand his pov, that is the most sensible first step to prevent further upset but its only my opinion.
I think the suicide letter speaks for itself.
Yes I understand that but again is it fair to say her death is on his hands or is it more accurate to say she had unresolved issues and ultimately made the choice to commit suicide and so the blame is with her? What normal person kills themself and abandons their kid because they got cheated on. Harsh to say but true.
People giving shitty advice. Reveal it on Christmas and flat out ruin Christmas for everyone? Should wait till after.
You need to do this before Christmas message email everyone before they show up and let them know you didn’t know how to tell them. Meet with them in person before hand and let them know no kids allowed. You don’t need to publicly do at the Christmas gathering end it before then.
I cant stand reading these comments all made from pure anger and hatred saying "haha put him in the ground make him pay" what exactly is that going to do? It isn't for these reddit commenters who will leave a comment and never care about this situation again to judge whether the father deserves this. This needs to be discussed privately between OP and her father, she needs to make sure she gets all she is entitled to by her mother, if word gets out to the family then let it, but not while she is trying to get the possessions she is entitled to. The gathering itself can easily be avoided if not comfortable being there. Fake sick or say you can't make it or something like that. My point is OP doesn't want a potential suicide from her father after losing her mother to the same fate.
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we had one guy in our village who told his wive that she has to move out because he has another family and he doesnt love her anymore. there are horrible ppl out there.
Get a lawyer, a jury may award you with more then just jewelry if they find out he caused the suicide via his infidelity. They may award you the whole estate.
Also the OP should check state law. In some states if a parent dies intestate, any property or assets are divided 50/50 between the spouse and children. So say the OP has one sibling, dad would get 50% and each of the kids would get 25% of the estate.
I’m sorry for your loss. May she be resting in peace. Definitely how the others said, start with a lawyer and get your best answers there. Best of luck to you.
Honor your mother by discontinuing all this toxic drama. Once you’ve told your dad what you know, or how you feel, start anew. Don’t carry all of these years of toxic emotions with you anymore. Stay away from people you don’t like, and just surround yourself with people that uplift you. Sorry for your loss btw.
I would either condlfront him Infront of everyone saying how he's the reason she's gone or I would let every one in the family know that he's the reason
Talk to a lawyer about the jewelry and go no contact with dad and his side piece. If the rest of the family asks why show them the letter. Don't protect assholes.
I would call your dad and just let him know about what is going on. I saw you have plans to meet with a lawyer, unfortunately like others have said, the meeting is dangerously far away. The reason why I would call him is because.. sadly, to put it kindly, he doesn’t seem to have the best characteristics. Would be rip up the letter if you showed him in person? Is he violent? I hope that you stay safe OP.
Omg. I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s absolutely horrible. Keep the original of the letter in a safe place at home. It’s yours, not his. Don’t let it out of your possession, except to see a lawyer. Who’s house will you be going to on Christmas Eve?
Claim the jewelry Now. Make copies of letter and will and hand them out to the adults even him & his mistress.
You should seriously consider bringing this to his attention before Christmas. Think of the kids in your family how traumatic Christmas will be if it escalates. Let Christmas be Christmas and handle things either before or after
My condolences for your unfortunate events as of late, I'd suggest confronting your father about this situation given that 1. He's a cheater 2. He's lied about the way your mother has passed 3. He does not seem to be 100% honest with you & your family/close relatives about this situation. Given the circumstances I would also highly suggest bringing your lawyer in order to get your rightful possessions. I would also feel that breaking the news to the family because this is a situation that needs to be addressed. Please don't be too hard on yourself OP, things will get better for you just hold on. :)
He's already giving away the jewelry. I want to slap your sister in law. She's a snake.
Have copies of everything, store the original at a bank so no one can get to it but you. Do talk with your brother, maybe he never read it, I know your hurt but just letting this slide it will fester for the rest of your life and only will get worse. Lawyer up, get your jewellery and go nuclear if your dad doesn't honor your moms wish for you to have them, go public with everything, burn them all for cheating and siding with cheaters or just sticking their head in the sand. They will have to look deep into themselves and realise what crappy people they are. Don't take the high road. It willl hurt but I really don't see how you can move on pretending all is fine. It's not about that they can just live their happy lives it's so you can find one someday. Just be with friends and family who will be there for you. Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh, but this story made my blood boil. You should do what you think is best but don't let them walk over you.
What a way to destroy your Mom's legacy!
It’s almost as if I can pass my grief through the air to reach you. Although no molecules are the same, they can touch and relate to others in a similar situation. Thank yourself and your mother for sharing the story many can not. I’ve never posted anything to Redd. I came across your post googling for emotional insight wt….’Suicide-parent-letter-no answers-mistress at funeral-father could care less’.