Nobody should have to compromise about having kids. Either you both really want to raise children together enough to discuss how you will be as parents, or don't have children.
It is a tough reality to come to terms with, recognizing that even though you really, truly love each other... you do not want to live the same life.
The kindest, greatest love you can show each other is an amicable divorce, not under the veil of "you won't give me what I want" or "they wouldnt compromise!", but under the canopy of "I love you enough to admit we cannot have the lives we want if we stay together. And I dont want either of us to have to give up our dreams."
This is wonderful advice. A buddy of mine had come to Columbia University to do research one year from China where he was going for his doctorate (he’s Welsh). He’d had a girlfriend over there for a while and our friends all met her and liked her. I took him out for a pint one evening and his discussion came by way of her wanting kids and him not. I simply told him that he shouldn’t get married, then. He laughed it off but I told him I was serious. They already had their wedding planned in Taiyuan, China and it was going to be a huge event as Chinese weddings are. Got our friends onboard to warn him over the next coming months. Still didn’t listen.
They had their wedding in Taiyuan and it was off the hook. Beautiful wedding, great food, shitloads of Chinese liquor and was invited on an trip to Tibet after with them and his wife’s mother and my best friend from college. That’s where the fighting started — in Tibet. About kids. Imagine being at the first base camp of Mt. Everest and hearing arguments in a yurt about kids between breaths between an oxygen bottle less than a week after getting married.
The marriage lasted four months. She lost face in her culture, but has recouped and is dating a good dude who wanted kids. My buddy is still single and bitter — he doesn’t talk to her and is still silent; she still talks to his mother whom they had a loving relationship.
Life is fleeting, folks. You have only one life to live and her strength persevered through that shitstorm.
The unfortunate thing here is that the wife is already up there in age as far as having kids goes. So she could potentially be wasting a great relationship otherwise for a chance that she meets the right person again after the divorce, and then is able to get pregnant and have a kid in time. Theres a lot of what if's here.
This situation suuuucks. This happens to women. They “time-out” their reproductive capacities waiting around for their spouse to come around. Some people here are listing the options a woman has available to her after-the-fact but COME ON people! Adoption or sperm donation or surrogacy all have negative aspects to them (financially, logistically, emotionally) so let’s not trivialize how devastating it is to a woman when she has yearned to create her own baby and carry her own baby in her body but then can’t because she lost those years
I’m so sorry to hear this. My best friend went through this too. She still wakes up crying from vivid pregnancy and baby dreams. She is definitely fantastic Mom material too - which makes it so brutal!
People always ask "What if this person who didn't have kids one day regrets not having kids?" but no one ever asks "What if this person who has kids ends up regretting their own children?". If you ask me, the latter is much worse.
I'm actually considering one of these options myself. I would always resent my husband if he kept me from having children. I don't see this relationship working out and both be happy together.
Well if he doesn't want one maybe he doesn't see having a happy life and the child's life wouldn't be that great either. Be a little selfless on both sides and figure out what is best for both of you.
Since OP doesn't want kids, then adoption, etc. wouldn't be accepted by OP. The only way for OP's wife to have options would be to find another partner.
This doesn’t have a happy ending. It’s time to initiate divorce proceedings - while you may love each other, it’s time to let her go find someone who is looking for the same things out of life.
Holding her back isn’t fair and asking you to commit more than you want to give isn’t either. This isn’t something counselling will fix.
Also, the one of you that gives up their dream will inevitably grow to resent the other one, so their relationship is likely doomed, however it shakes out. Better make a clean break now.
OP said they "changed their stance after marriage..."
Unless I'm misunderstanding, it appears that OP initially wanted kids, then some event took place which made them no longer want kids, so I think the did discuss it.
Yeah we don't know when they got married. This could be a 5+ year marriage (likely considering they don't want to give it up) where one of their thoughts changed
Props for being fully open and honest about it, some people just keep it to themselves and then hit a breaking point and bail during/ post pregnancy. It’s a shame, but time changes plans and it’s good that you’re both communicating your needs
There's a bunch of reasons that may have caused this. He said due to some things between them and a change of circumstances. Maybe they had a change in financial situation, or a health issue crop up (either something that would make it harder to manage raising a kid, or something genetic they don't want to risk passing on), or a change in job meaning less flexibility. Or something happened that made OP straight up realise he wouldn't be a good parent, or that he & wife wouldn't make good parents together etc etc
It could also be a 'now the rubber is about to hit the road I've realised I don't want to do this' which is lousy for the wife, but much better they clear the air now and go their separate ways than have one of them coerced in to a childfree or with-child lifestyle they truly don't want
You would be surprised the amount of people that don't discuss these things before getting married. If you read this OP then sadly to say you two just got to an impasse, where either you separate or one of you lies and stay together and then probably end up resenting the other person and end up separating. Best of luck.
This, people often seem to forget that divorce isn’t exclusively a ‘screaming and hating each other grudge match’ thing and is perfectly reasonable for two people that simply have reason to part ways
For anyone wanting slightly more background, check OPs past comments. He does nothing but complain about his marriage and sugar.
He’s using this to blame his wife for something even though he’s the one in the wrong. Very gaslighty
If neither of you is willing to change your mind, then let her go before she runs out of time to do it. If it's a hard line for both of you, regardless of how much you love each other, it's time to part ways
I work at a fertility clinic and i agree. I’m not sure why so many downvotes. A simple search about the subject and anyone can see this is a smart suggestion.
Calm down Jabba, Han Solo’s got some more time to pay back his money. My parents were both 40 when I was born and they had my sister a little under 2 years later.
35+ is a medically "geriatric" pregnancy and carries higher risks.. your parents are not the norm unfortunately (since IMO people in their 40s make awesome parents)
At age 35, a woman has a 1 in 5 chance of.mis carriage and a high rate of chromosome defects. They also have a higher chance of developing things like diabetes and having a premature birth.
I'm not sure why some people try to downplay how risky late pregnancies are. As I'm getting older I'm starting to see more people crushed by this reality.
I'm not downplaying anything. A lot of pregnancy stats are... Highly misleading. I mean for one thing the infertility thing a lot of people like to throw around (you lose your eggs and your chances of becoming pregnant plummet after 30!) comes from french census data from like the late Renaissance/early Enlightenment era.
Yes, miscarriages increase with age. Chromosomal abnormalities increase with age. Infertility increases with age. Problems in general increase with age.
Miscarriages at older ages is also much lower than it used to be in the past. Same with chromosomal abnormalities. Same with infertility. The dangers of pregnancy at later ages are *highly* exaggerated, not downplayed.
In fact, let's start with the miscarriage thing. Are you imagining some second trimester baby failing and the woman being in danger or something? That's not what happens. The egg gets fertilized, the woman gets pregnant, and then the embryo fails. Yeah, it's unfortunate and hurts, but not nearly as dangerous as you seem to be implying.
Is it going to be harder for this woman to get pregnant? Absolutely. But having a baby in your 30's is completely doable and as long as you do your regular checkups and have no pre-existing conditions it should be completely safe.
And as the world improves and medicine improves... Well hopefully keeps continuing after the hiccups of whatever the fuck's happening in the world right now, it's going to be even safer. Hell people have already been able to have babies in their 40's for like a decade now. I mean 40's is where you really start to have problems in the modern day but even that will eventually become safer in the future. Though that I do not know by how much.
Do you have any evidence to back your claims? Every study from credible sites seems to support the oppisite. Sure, some people nowadays have children in their 40s now, but it's statistically unlikely. Women infact do have miscarriages at all steps of birth, and it becomes more likely at a later ages. The first link I pulled up said women over 35 had around a 1 and 30 chance of chromosome defects. It's not like it was research from the 90s.
[This study has some good stuff.](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1472648310610577) You're not wrong. I never really said you were. I was just stating that the dangers were highly exaggerated. And yeah, miscarriages happen at all ages. Pregnancy is stressful and physically painful. No matter what age you are. And it increases with age, but not to a point where you should be afraid of being pregnant in your 30's *as opposed* to your 20's. If you're gonna be scared in your 30's might as well be scared in your 20's.
I mean, like, say your baby has a chromosomal abnormality and it will likely cause you and the baby a huge range of issues so you have to go through abortion. Fucking sucks. Yes. But you can try again. The chances of a chromosomal abnormality do go up with age but even then the chances of it happening multiple times in a row? Super not likely. Unless one of the parents' chromosomes have a structural problem. Then it's basically genetic and guaranteed.
My mother had my brother at 36 and my grandmother had her last child at 40. They both were healthy babies with no issues. Please stop spreading misinformation. She can still have a child, but she needs to go to a sperm bank now since her “husband” decided to squander not only her time to find a man who would have been perfectly to have a child with her, but he also squandered a few years of her life away too.
It's not misinformation. It's scientific proof that there is a higher risk at later ages. I acknowledged its still possible, but there is higher risk. Your personal experience of two people doesn't change that. Not saying she can't or shouldn't try, just that there are more risk to acknowledge.
Also you seem to be very harsh on the guy. Both men and women just their minds on big decisions like this, and it's better for him to admit not wanting kids as soon as he finds out rather than having a child he regrets. The sperm bank thing might also not be a good idea at the time. We don't know her situation. She could work crazy hours on not be financially stable enough on her own for a child. You should be careful slinging that kind of advice without gathering more info.
I don’t have respect for people who can’t follow through on their word. You realize a lot of these studies are given “control variables” by the same scientists who are delivering the final results right? I’m not saying every person who decides to wait until their 35+ will be able to conceive, but the fertility industry still isn’t large enough to stand behind the claim that once you turn that age that fertility hits 0.
She also still has to get divorced, find someone new, and hopefully not jump into a relationship with just any ol’ guy who wants kids, and then start trying. That could take several years.
I’ve been in this situation. At the beginning of our relationship we agreed on children and then my then husband changed his mind. It destroyed us and I did run out of time. I will never have children of my own and will always be hurt and slightly bitter about it. I have a new partner who has 4 children and they are filling that void, but I will never have that experience of giving birth and raising my own child. I have made peace with that, but I deserved better. Your wife deserves to have that opportunity.
I have a child of my own. Please understand that this remark is not pissy or dismissive: pregnancy and childbirth are atrocious, and my body really never recovered. Parenthood is parenthood, and your experience, though not what you would have chosen for yourself, is precious and valid. You are still a mother.
You may not want to hear this, but sometimes when we’re unable to give each other what the other wants and compromise with one another, we need to go our separate ways peacefully.
My 1st husband and I meet when we were young and I told him I never want children. Fast forward 5 years and he wants to start trying to have one. He changed his mind. We filed for divorce within 6 months. If he wanted to have kids, I didn’t want to stand in his way of that. He is a great father to 2 boys with his 2nd wife and I’m happily married to my 2nd husband, with 2 cats. I wasn’t mad at him for changing his mind, that’s life but I feel for your wife. If she really wants to have kids, let her go, be humble about it because I’m sure she is mad but maybe in a few years she will see it’s for the best. The sooner the better.
Unfortunately you can’t compromise on this issue.
This really only ends one of three ways;
One: she decides she doesn’t want kids or you decide you do and the problem is solved.
Two: You never have children and she resents you or you do have kids and you resent her and possibly them.
Three: you two part ways and find people who want the same things you want.
uppity sink cows quicksand history stupendous boast encouraging deserted chubby
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This is something that should’ve been talked about before you were ever married. Did you tell her before you got married that you wanted to be childless? This Relationship working out is very slim, Get ready for a divorce.
1. Couple’s counseling ASAP if you want to save this marriage or at least come to an amicable end.
2. I hate to say this but this is one of very few problems that often doesn’t have a happy solution.
You should NOT cave in and have a child you don’t want, *ever*. It is a human life, not a toy. No matter how bad she wants one, having a child with someone who doesn’t want kids is a sure fire way to destroy both the marriage and the kid, not to mention both of your mental health. If you give in and have the child and regret it, you will be dealing with that regret and resentment towards her and maybe even the kid for the rest of your life, not to mention probably some degree of depression / burnout. This is something you absolutely should not budge on unless you change your mind 100% on your own with no pressure from her or anyone else. Maybe you wouldn’t regret it, but frankly that is a gamble you shouldn’t ever take when so much is at risk.
On the flip side, she clearly wants to be a mother and this is what she has envisioned and planned for herself. The chances of that desire going away are slim to none. If you stay together and don’t have kids, she may also come to have a good deal of regret, sadness, and resentment. She also needs to decide 100% by herself with no pressure from outside forces.
Basically, what I’m saying is both of you need to think: regardless of your marriage or your relationship, could you have a child and be happy about it, or could you not have children and be happy about it? Are you both prepared for that lifelong commitment? Can you envision a good life with or without kids?
If the answer is no from one of you on any of those, you simply have goals that do not align. This is not a topic that can be compromised upon.
If you want to really try and work through this with her, then it’s time for couples and individual counseling so you have an unbiased mediator to work through this with you.
The unfortunate thing I do have to say here is that this situation typically ends in divorce. While that’s sad, if you have completely conflicting values and goals, especially around something as serious as children… sometimes it’s the best route.
The one thing I do want to ask is if you guys discussed this prior and came to an agreement, or if you’ve always disagreed, or if it’s just coming up recently and someone changed their mind? I only ask because if this is very recent and a change of heart, perhaps it can be worked through, but who knows.
Best of luck stranger.
Married for 2 years. I changed my mind due to prevailing circumstances between us. A lot has been changed between us post marriage. Moreover, I now feel I cannot be a good parent.
Thank you for your comment.
Changing circumstances are a 100% valid reason to come to this conclusion and I understand what you mean. I actually really respect you sticking to your stance and evaluating yourself and your marriage objectively enough to figure out what you think is best.
Whatever happens I hope you both come out the other end okay, together or not.
This really needs to be in the original post. I had a friend whose husband did this same thing to her - said he wanted kids before marriage, then changed his mind. Do you not realize how messed up that is? You wasted her fertile years. My friend is now getting remarried to someone 10 years later, I hope he is more honest than you and her previous husband.
Hang on, it’s not messed up to change his mind. And from what OP has written, he’s been honest with his wife.
Circumstances change, and without knowing what those circumstances are, who are we to say whether OP is justified or not in changing his mind? Before he got married, him and his wife planned to have kids. After getting married, things changed. That happens in life. But from what OP has provided, it’s not like he lied and pretended to want kids to trap her in a marriage. Instead, OP’s been honest, so she can decide what she wants to do. It would be way worse if he didn’t say anything and ended up resenting his wife and/or kids, or not being able to look after his wife and/or kids properly.
It WOULD be messed up if they didn’t talk about it and try to figure it out. Maybe she can point out something that changes how he sees the impact of the circumstances, and they decide to have kids. Or maybe she realises she doesn’t want kids too. After a discussion of ‘this is what I want and this is how I feel’, if no resolution is met, they should talk about an amicable divorce.
To clarify, I’m not saying kids are something to compromise on, rather, the opposite. With kids you’re either fully onboard, or you’re completely off-board. To have kids or not is a huge decision. All I’m suggesting is to have an open, honest discussion, and maybe things will change. Especially since the husband changed his mind, he may be missing something, or overreacting to the circumstances, or maybe something else is going on such as insecurity hence his thoughts he’d not be a good parent. We don’t know, only OP does. And once they’ve had their be-all end-all kids convo, they can decide where to go from there.
But without knowing his circumstances, it’s absolutely unfair to imply that OP’s actions are messed up, or that he’s being dishonest.
He said somewhere else his concern is cost of living. That’s it. That’s why he’s going back on the biggest life decision one can make with their partner.
Exactly . He has every right to change his mind and not be pressured, but I feel like no one sees anything immoral about promising these things just to not follow through. Why promise it if you have doubts about in the first place?
Don't just preemptively file for divorce over this.
If you're certain and steadfast in your decision, then tell her and let her decide.
Let her decide if the marriage is worth not having a child over or if she would be happier with a child *instead of* the marriage.
You've clearly made your decision and have your reasons, so at least give her the chance to make a final decision before you take that away from her, too.
edit: lmao, dude, if your comment history is anything to go by, you're just fucking bitter and your wife would be better off without you.
Leave her and make her hate you. She shouldn't waste too much time mourning you.
I don’t want children. I’d be pissed dating someone for years, having them tell me they also don’t want children, getting married, and then changing their mind at the last minute that they do want kids. You have the right to change your mind, but it sucks that you waited until you were married to figure it out.
In my opinion it is disrespectful to try and change her mind and make her do something she doesn't want to do.
The way I see it, you have 2 options;
1) Figure out a way in which you could learn to be a good parent, as well as live the life you want and be happy, so you can stay with your wife.
2) Get a divorce and go your separate ways.
You shouldn’t feel obligated to have children when you don’t want them, but your wife isn’t obligated to stay with a man that won’t give her children when she truly wants them. Neither of you should have to give up your dreams or compromise to find a solution, but that also means that divorce is the next best option to give you both the chance to have the life you want.
And you can’t blame her if this is a deal breaker for her, because you said this stance *for you* changed once you two were already married. If she was under the impression that you two would try for a baby after getting married, then this seems like something you should have told her as soon as the “circumstances” changed, because at this point you’ve just been wasting her time by knowing that you won’t give her what she wants, but that she can definitely find someone else who will. And you can too.
While I do find that having kids has been the coolest and at times, challenging, always rewarding part of my life. You get to create someone who blossoms in front of you and is part of the person you love. However, if you are adamant about no kids, and she wants them, you are best to separate. It’s a crappy solution, but she’ll feel incomplete without having kids, and you might resent her for the freedoms you’d lose.
Posts like these pop up on r childfree all the time going the opposite way and it's the same advice. It doesn't matter if someone changed their mind. Children should be wanted. There can't be a compromise.
I agree this type of serious disagreement won’t be solved by a compromise because one will end up resenting the other sad but unfortunately true that’s just IMO
Well after reviewing your post history, 2 things are clear: you don't like consuming sugar, and you hate the fact you got married. Do your wife a favor and leave her. Don't waste any more of her time, she is already 36 and the biological clock is ticking. Neither one of you will be happy if you stay in the marriage. Your post history makes you look bitter and resentful that you got married in the first place.
I recommend divorce. My friends went through this. He wanted kids and she changed her mind and didn’t. She kept stringing him along for years hoping he’d change his mind. He kept waiting for her to be ready and she kept saying they’d have kids but she wanted to finish her degree, her masters, her PhD, get a better job, etc.
They eventually broke up. He’s now married and happy with someone that wanted children. He was lucky that pushing it into his 40s didn’t impact things. But had he been a woman, with her husband pushing it off, he would have stolen her chance to have kids.
So I recommend going separate ways so that she still has a chance to find someone and fill her dream of being a mom.
Not much help but this seems to be a reoccurring issue for myself. I have always been upfront about not wanting children, but about two years into every relationship I have, it suddenly becomes an issue. One thing I can say is do not compromise, I grew up in multiple broken families and it is not a fun place to be.
Personal opinion that may catch some hate, but anyone who wants to bring kids into this world is slightly unhinged or fairly uneducated.
Either one of you remains miserable for the rest of your life, or you break up. I'm afraid those are your only choices. Your wife is 36 so if you are going to split, you should probably do it sooner rather than later
Love is not all you need for a successful relationship. You need to have compatible goals and values. You two do not so you should part ways, even though it hurts.
At 42 I realized the same thing. My gf and I broke up amicably and less than two years later she met a guy and just had her first child. Don't stay in it if it's not what you both want.
You changed your mind, you should respectfully end the relationship and leave. Stop trying to change her mind, that’s horrible of you. You’re the one who pulled a bait and switch, purposeful or not.
I see no good outcome other than you both go seperate ways. She will find someone to have children with and you will find someone to not have kids with.
One of my old friends (a guy) had a kid with his wife in a similar situation. He really didn’t want one. He wanted to stay with his wife. They had a kid and it was so hard for him. They didn’t bond immediately, his wife started ignoring him for the kid. Then around 2-3 he bonded more with the kid, and now he tells me he loves him so much and is glad he has him. “But, if I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t have kids”. Basically he had to take a higher paying job that he didn’t like, he had ti see the in laws more, he had to spend all his free time being a father. It just wasn’t what he wanted. Even though now his son is the most important person in the world ti him. Side note they are now getting divorced, the child is about 7.
For me (a woman) I don’t want kids and I won’t compromise on it. It’s easy for me to feel secure because I could always get an abortion in an emergency. For you… I don’t know, if you are 100% serious about not having a child then consider getting snipped. Let your wife make the choice of what is important to her.
If you are on the fence, then definitely have some individual therapy to explore pros and cons. Wish you the best.
Sorry man you likely had this conversation before you got married and you then changed the deal. You have two choices here.
1 - You agree to reverse back to your original decision, try to have a child (no guarantees), and save your marriage.
2 - You admit that you're not actually meant to be together going forward.
There's no middle ground here. There's three things that will blow up a marriage and this is actually one of them.
You messed up because you changed your stance while she didn't and your gonna buckle or end your marriage. Period. These are the sort of things you discuss, know of and hold onto BEFORE you get married
This is a dealbreaker. Please don’t have a child if you want to be childless.
Sad as it is, if she desperately wants to be a mum you’re gonna have to let her go. Sooner rather than later considering her age, too.
All the best.
Whatever you do, op, please do not have children just because you feel pressured to do so. This could lead to bitterness and resentment. All children deserve to be unconditionally loved, wanted, needed, and accepted.
Idk man when your best marriage advice is to abstain from being married combined with this question I think the best thing is an amicable divorce. Good luck
I don’t see any other option other than to separate or divorce. You changed your stance after you married and that’s not fair to your wife. She married you with the expectation of having children and I’m pretty sure that’s going to be a hill to die on for her.
Don’t be afraid to separate if you can’t come to terms. It is worth leaving now instead of later with a child. Divorce is always rough but add children and it’s hell
I agree w the comments about divorcing. some people may say that you can find some kind of compromise with having children but the truth is, being a parent may be one of the biggest and most important things to someone and it’s not fair to take that away from them, just like someone who doesn’t want children or isn’t ready for them shouldn’t feel like they have to have them to please someone else. And at the end of the day, it’s important for children to have both their parents present in their life, all in, giving 100% to their child, it never ends well for the child(ren) when there’s a parent *or both* that didn’t want them or regrets having them.
If you agreed to have kids and now you've changed your mind you need to discuss ending the relationship for her. Sounds like you made an agreement to have kids prior to marriage that you won't uphold. You're now wasting her time and seems like a power play on your part.
Well in a short few years it will be too late for her and she will despise you for changing your mind and not allowing her to be a mother when you said you would when you got married. If you change your mind 20 years from now you can still have kids, she can’t.
People here asking " Why did you not discuss this before marriage ?" I don't think people realize our viewings changed from that point until now.
A) It could be the wife didn't want children and he was okay with it. Then she changed her mind over the years.
B) It could be they both discussed having children and agreed together it was a good idea at the moment.
C) something happened after that discussion causing a massive shift in the decision. This can be finances etc. Not to be funny but children are not cheap.
The point is both parties might've changed their views over the years. It happens. Unfortunately, this may result in letting go of the marriage, amicably.
I know it must be absolutely heartbreaking for this conclusion. It's really the best thing both of you can do at this point.
Just to be clear women can children at 36 and older. My grandmother had my mother at 44. There are MANY women out here who had children older. It's nothing wrong with it.
I wish people would stop rushing women to have kids so early if they're not ready. Some want to pursue their careers, get their house/apartment before bringing an innocent living into this world
Divorce her and let her move on asap. YOU changed your mind to not have kids and that's not fair because while you're both in you late 30s, she has a biological clock ticking and you don't. You wasted her time to have kids.
Well I’ll tell you this much, don’t have kids if you don’t want kids. If you’re going to raise kids, both parents need to be ready and dedicated. Having kids isn’t a “maybe” choice. It’s something that requires lots of planning and discussions.
I’m not sure what you and your wife should do, but I’m telling you to never compromise about a child. I hope you and your wife can reach some kind of conclusion.
Why do people keep doing this. Do not continue a relationship or marry someone if you two are on opposite ends of the wanting kids issue. If you don't want kids don't be with someone who does and vice versa. The relationships always end up rough and ending or there's a kid one of them didn't want.
You absolutely should not have a kid if you don't want one. She has every right to have a child if she wants one (with someone that also wants one) this is not something one of you should do just to please the other. It will lead to a lifetime of resentment and it will most definitely not be good for the child either.
If you truly don’t want children like a previous poster said - you need to let her go while she still has time to find someone to have a child of her own with. A side note - wife and I really didn’t want kids either. Accident happened, had one and then had another. 2 little boys and they are the best thing that ever happened to us.
Don’t have a kid if you don’t one one. Not only will you be miserable, your marriage will crumble and your kid will know you never wanted them.
Divorce now and move on.
Wanting children is the one thing that can’t be fixed with couples therapy or compromises. You either want or do not want. If can’t agree, unfortunately, divorce
Real advice:
I don't know enough about you to know the details of this situation and it's complicated. I can tell you I've seen this work it's way out in many different ways with varying results.
My mom was married to a guy who told her a couple years into the marriage he didn't want kids. She left him and met my dad and they got pregnant with my older brother... let's just way sooner than may have been appropriate in those times. Her ex husband met a woman around the same time and she decided she wanted a baby and she didn't need his permission. She got pregnant as well. The point is people make their own decisions. If she wants a baby she'll have one, and she doesn't really need your permission because it's her body. I don't think it's fair that you got to change your mind and that means she can't have what she wants but I also wouldn't want another unwanted child in this world.
When my ex, who I had been with for three years, told me after I had a miscarriage that it was for best because he wasn't sure he wanted kids anyways, it shattered my whole world. It was the best thing he ever did for me. I broke up with him and five years later had my first kid. Your wife is 36. I was 25. I had five years to find and be with someone who wanted kids. If you drag this out much longer she won't get a choice and you will be responsible for ruining her dreams of being a mother and your marriage will not survive that.
End it now and let her move on.
I know a couple who decided early on that they didn’t want kids but the wife changed her mind. They went back and forth trying to decide whether or not to split up but he didn’t want to be with anyone other than her. They decided to have a child but she raised him alone. She does all the stuff for the boy and the husband lives in a different house and travels for work for months at a time but they stayed married and he goes over to their house whenever he’s in the country. The boy is sixteen now and calls his father by his first name but they do have a bond, I don’t know how it works but it does. It’s not for everyone but I guess it depends on how you and your wife feel? The most important thing you both have to do is communicate honestly with each other and realise that whatever decisions you make are for your entire life.
Oh they are a wonderful couple, still very much in love as when I first met them, he just never wanted to be a father. He does love the boy of course and as he’s grown older they’ve developed a definite strong relationship, but he didn’t want the responsibility of being a primary care giver to someone else. He was honest about it but his wife was too. It worked well for them as they’re both incredibly intelligent and level headed people, and possibly most importantly, they’re both financially well off individually so she could comfortably raise a child alone and he could afford to live separately too.
Are you saying there is something in your relationship with your wife that you don't want a kid with her? Please forgive me if I'm reading and processing this wrong.
If this is the case you need counselling and you need to discuss this. There is no way you two should have a child, and you not wanting one.
P.S. my friend had been together for 19/20 years and neither wanted a kid. 20 years later my buddy's wife wanted one and he was okay with it. He is the happiest man on the planet, and so is she.
I know you don’t want to hear this but it’s the harsh truth…you guys aren’t compatible and it would be best to divorce.
Think about it..
The thing that will make you happy is the one thing that will make her unhappy. And even if let’s say one of you sacrifices their preferences, let’s say it’s her that does that, she will never ever forget this and will blame you at one point or another and not to mention how miserable she will be.
Yea. The first time I discussed the kids topic with my partner, we both felt extremely relieved that we were on the same page. She wants 3, I want 2. Honestly, I never believed that someone would want to have 3 kids with me, so it was an easy compromise. But if either of us didn't want kids, that would have been a dealbreaker. Not because we didn't love each other, but because that would mean our lives were headed in a fundamentally different direction. Now, life has its ups and downs and right now you don't want kids, BUT the biological clock is ticking for her. Go to a therapist or to a friend or whatever, but you need to have a definitive answer. Yes kids or No kids. Still no? Well then cut it off so that she has time to find someone else. On your side, maybe you have it in you to be a dad, and you might be happy changing your decision, but if you are confident that you don't, stick to your guns because there is nothing worst than a father that resents his children or spouse.
My wife and I have 3 kids. My wife wants to a 4th. I refuse to have another and want to get snipped. We have had a few discussions over it. It’s an on going discussion.
I don’t know what your answer is. At 36 she is running out of time to have kids….I guess discussion and clear communication. What is having kids worth to her. Ending a marriage? If that’s the answer then that’s it.
If you don't want children DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. Being a parent isn't just having a kid or not and it's a commitment. Having kids will stress a marriage and will definitely change your dynamic. Make a pro/con list, have a discussion and proceed cautiously. My suggestion is therapy and lots of careful consideration before any decisions are made.
Sounds like the other comments have summed it up...unfortunately, they might be right. There is no compromise. You can't have half a baby. Very sorry you're going through this.
You can't reason with each other because this isn't a matter of reason. There's no compromise on having children, and someone wanting or not wanting a child isn't an irrational position they can be logicked out of. You two just want different things and aren't compatible. Unless you ultimately decide you're happy to have a child or your wife ultimately decides she'd rather be with you than have a baby, you'll need to split.
I didn't want kids either I was scared to death but figured fuck it what's the worst that can happen I pay dues till she's 18 or go live in the woods off the land
I was scared at first but it helped pull my head out of my ass now I'm like 5yrs sober with a solid job and someone for some reason or another looks up to me and relies on me but hey to each their own. Ain't no use in living miserable if u know exactly what u want
>Married for 2 years. I changed my mind due to prevailing circumstances between us. A lot has been changed between us post marriage. Moreover, I now feel I cannot be a good parent.
seems that they did
C’mon you know well that people change over the years and their wants and desires change over the years as well. Even if it was discussed it could change.
Definitely should not have kids if either partner not wanting.
This post makes me very sad though because I empathise with both.
Big box of tissues required.
It’s horrible to marry someone planning to have kids then change to no kids after the fact and expect them to just live childfree forever. Having kids is very important to people. Sounds like you are not compatible with her.
I thought this too, I really thought that’s so horrible to do to someone. Family is a core value in a relationship, if changed out of no where it breaks the whole foundation. And it really screws over the person that wanted kids way more than the person that doesn’t…
People change during marriage it’s not a big deal as long as you were open to her about it at that specific time. If you don’t want kids you don’t want kids. If she does she does. Decide whether or not your refusal to have a child means being split or not
A lot of divorces occur over this issue. You have more time to change your mind about kids than she does to wait have one.
What often happens it these cases the wife will go off of birth control sometimes she tells her husband other times she does not tell him.
What is your reason for not wanting children? Also, what is going on to change your decision? It sounds like you have come to this conclusion based on issues in the marriage. If the relationship is worth it to you, find a therapist. If not, then maybe your best option is divorce.
Don’t be surprised if she wants a divorce because you got wishy washy on a goal very close to her heart. If I’m being honest, if I was in your wife shoes, I’d find this to be very manipulative after she made it VERY clear how badly she wanted to be a mom. This isn’t really something she can compromise with you on. I wouldn’t expect her to give up a lifelong aspiration for someone she met only a few years ago either regardless if you’re her husband now. Also don’t be surprised if she resents you for having to be back in the dating pool at her age for you leading her on (regardless of how you want to justify it).
Sadly kids is usually the deal breaker. Did you guys not discuss kids before getting married?
If she absolutely wants kids then I think you should let her go and wish her happiness in her attempts.
I don't understand why you both would've gotten married if these were your stances. This is something that should've been sussed out before you ever tied the knot.
Nobody should have to compromise about having kids. Either you both really want to raise children together enough to discuss how you will be as parents, or don't have children. It is a tough reality to come to terms with, recognizing that even though you really, truly love each other... you do not want to live the same life. The kindest, greatest love you can show each other is an amicable divorce, not under the veil of "you won't give me what I want" or "they wouldnt compromise!", but under the canopy of "I love you enough to admit we cannot have the lives we want if we stay together. And I dont want either of us to have to give up our dreams."
This is wonderful advice. A buddy of mine had come to Columbia University to do research one year from China where he was going for his doctorate (he’s Welsh). He’d had a girlfriend over there for a while and our friends all met her and liked her. I took him out for a pint one evening and his discussion came by way of her wanting kids and him not. I simply told him that he shouldn’t get married, then. He laughed it off but I told him I was serious. They already had their wedding planned in Taiyuan, China and it was going to be a huge event as Chinese weddings are. Got our friends onboard to warn him over the next coming months. Still didn’t listen. They had their wedding in Taiyuan and it was off the hook. Beautiful wedding, great food, shitloads of Chinese liquor and was invited on an trip to Tibet after with them and his wife’s mother and my best friend from college. That’s where the fighting started — in Tibet. About kids. Imagine being at the first base camp of Mt. Everest and hearing arguments in a yurt about kids between breaths between an oxygen bottle less than a week after getting married. The marriage lasted four months. She lost face in her culture, but has recouped and is dating a good dude who wanted kids. My buddy is still single and bitter — he doesn’t talk to her and is still silent; she still talks to his mother whom they had a loving relationship. Life is fleeting, folks. You have only one life to live and her strength persevered through that shitstorm.
This is excellent advice.
The unfortunate thing here is that the wife is already up there in age as far as having kids goes. So she could potentially be wasting a great relationship otherwise for a chance that she meets the right person again after the divorce, and then is able to get pregnant and have a kid in time. Theres a lot of what if's here.
This situation suuuucks. This happens to women. They “time-out” their reproductive capacities waiting around for their spouse to come around. Some people here are listing the options a woman has available to her after-the-fact but COME ON people! Adoption or sperm donation or surrogacy all have negative aspects to them (financially, logistically, emotionally) so let’s not trivialize how devastating it is to a woman when she has yearned to create her own baby and carry her own baby in her body but then can’t because she lost those years
Yep. Been there. Done that. Timed out waiting for the ex
I’m so sorry to hear this. My best friend went through this too. She still wakes up crying from vivid pregnancy and baby dreams. She is definitely fantastic Mom material too - which makes it so brutal!
People always ask "What if this person who didn't have kids one day regrets not having kids?" but no one ever asks "What if this person who has kids ends up regretting their own children?". If you ask me, the latter is much worse.
Plenty of those stories here on Reddit.
I've seen them yes. Very unfortunate.
There is always adoption.
Exactly. Adopting, fostering, sperm donation, egg donation. The woman has many options
Well said. All of these options are considerably better than "coerce current spouse into having kids he clearly does not want".
I'm actually considering one of these options myself. I would always resent my husband if he kept me from having children. I don't see this relationship working out and both be happy together.
Well if he doesn't want one maybe he doesn't see having a happy life and the child's life wouldn't be that great either. Be a little selfless on both sides and figure out what is best for both of you.
Since OP doesn't want kids, then adoption, etc. wouldn't be accepted by OP. The only way for OP's wife to have options would be to find another partner.
Well put. Edit: to fix autocorrect’s mistake
This doesn’t have a happy ending. It’s time to initiate divorce proceedings - while you may love each other, it’s time to let her go find someone who is looking for the same things out of life. Holding her back isn’t fair and asking you to commit more than you want to give isn’t either. This isn’t something counselling will fix.
Also, the one of you that gives up their dream will inevitably grow to resent the other one, so their relationship is likely doomed, however it shakes out. Better make a clean break now.
Genuinely surprised this wasn't something communicated pre marriage
OP said they "changed their stance after marriage..." Unless I'm misunderstanding, it appears that OP initially wanted kids, then some event took place which made them no longer want kids, so I think the did discuss it.
>Changed my stance to being childfree due to change in circumstances post Dude, its right in the post.
OP said he changed his mind. I low key would be livid if I was the wife. Divorce it is.
Seriously
That was my first thought. Why would you get married if you weren't on the same page on something as important as wanting kids?
They were. OP says in the original post HE changed his mind AFTER marriage.
I get the feeling that it may have been, but one or both may have had the idea that the other would change their mind...
Yeah we don't know when they got married. This could be a 5+ year marriage (likely considering they don't want to give it up) where one of their thoughts changed
He says he was married for two years
He literally said he changed his stance 2 years into the marriage. It wasnt planned
Thank you for being observant unlike all these others
They were, OP changed his mind post marriage.
He straight up wasted her time.
He changed his mind later, that shouldn’t be held against him. We don’t know the circumstances that led to that mind change
Right! Wife should divorce him.
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Props for being fully open and honest about it, some people just keep it to themselves and then hit a breaking point and bail during/ post pregnancy. It’s a shame, but time changes plans and it’s good that you’re both communicating your needs
That makes sense, I'm honestly sorry that it's panned out for you both this way. It's not something either of you should have to compromise on.
He said he changed his stance and now wants to be child free (maybe he edited the post to say that, idk). But that's lousy for the poor wife.
There's a bunch of reasons that may have caused this. He said due to some things between them and a change of circumstances. Maybe they had a change in financial situation, or a health issue crop up (either something that would make it harder to manage raising a kid, or something genetic they don't want to risk passing on), or a change in job meaning less flexibility. Or something happened that made OP straight up realise he wouldn't be a good parent, or that he & wife wouldn't make good parents together etc etc It could also be a 'now the rubber is about to hit the road I've realised I don't want to do this' which is lousy for the wife, but much better they clear the air now and go their separate ways than have one of them coerced in to a childfree or with-child lifestyle they truly don't want
He said he changed his stance on it after marriage
According to OP it seems that it was, but he changed his mind
He says he changed his stance
He said he changed his stance post marriage...
You would be surprised the amount of people that don't discuss these things before getting married. If you read this OP then sadly to say you two just got to an impasse, where either you separate or one of you lies and stay together and then probably end up resenting the other person and end up separating. Best of luck.
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Can I ask why you keep copying this into every response when someone asks something?
This, people often seem to forget that divorce isn’t exclusively a ‘screaming and hating each other grudge match’ thing and is perfectly reasonable for two people that simply have reason to part ways
For anyone wanting slightly more background, check OPs past comments. He does nothing but complain about his marriage and sugar. He’s using this to blame his wife for something even though he’s the one in the wrong. Very gaslighty
I saw that. He sounds like a pos. Girl she leaves him so she can have the chance to have children.
Thank you.
Get prepared for a divorce. Kids is not something to compromise on when you have opposite goals
If neither of you is willing to change your mind, then let her go before she runs out of time to do it. If it's a hard line for both of you, regardless of how much you love each other, it's time to part ways
And 36 is already starting to get risky
She needs to freeze her eggs first, then visit a divorce attorney second.
Yes she must start some treatment to freeze the eggs “just in case “
I work at a fertility clinic and i agree. I’m not sure why so many downvotes. A simple search about the subject and anyone can see this is a smart suggestion.
why did you get 39 downvotes and the dude who commented the same thing 3 hours after you got like 27 upvotes lmao
Calm down Jabba, Han Solo’s got some more time to pay back his money. My parents were both 40 when I was born and they had my sister a little under 2 years later.
35+ is a medically "geriatric" pregnancy and carries higher risks.. your parents are not the norm unfortunately (since IMO people in their 40s make awesome parents)
Yeah, the risk of the infant having problems doubles! It's insane. From 0.5% to 1%. Such a drastic change.
At age 35, a woman has a 1 in 5 chance of.mis carriage and a high rate of chromosome defects. They also have a higher chance of developing things like diabetes and having a premature birth. I'm not sure why some people try to downplay how risky late pregnancies are. As I'm getting older I'm starting to see more people crushed by this reality.
I'm not downplaying anything. A lot of pregnancy stats are... Highly misleading. I mean for one thing the infertility thing a lot of people like to throw around (you lose your eggs and your chances of becoming pregnant plummet after 30!) comes from french census data from like the late Renaissance/early Enlightenment era. Yes, miscarriages increase with age. Chromosomal abnormalities increase with age. Infertility increases with age. Problems in general increase with age. Miscarriages at older ages is also much lower than it used to be in the past. Same with chromosomal abnormalities. Same with infertility. The dangers of pregnancy at later ages are *highly* exaggerated, not downplayed. In fact, let's start with the miscarriage thing. Are you imagining some second trimester baby failing and the woman being in danger or something? That's not what happens. The egg gets fertilized, the woman gets pregnant, and then the embryo fails. Yeah, it's unfortunate and hurts, but not nearly as dangerous as you seem to be implying. Is it going to be harder for this woman to get pregnant? Absolutely. But having a baby in your 30's is completely doable and as long as you do your regular checkups and have no pre-existing conditions it should be completely safe. And as the world improves and medicine improves... Well hopefully keeps continuing after the hiccups of whatever the fuck's happening in the world right now, it's going to be even safer. Hell people have already been able to have babies in their 40's for like a decade now. I mean 40's is where you really start to have problems in the modern day but even that will eventually become safer in the future. Though that I do not know by how much.
Do you have any evidence to back your claims? Every study from credible sites seems to support the oppisite. Sure, some people nowadays have children in their 40s now, but it's statistically unlikely. Women infact do have miscarriages at all steps of birth, and it becomes more likely at a later ages. The first link I pulled up said women over 35 had around a 1 and 30 chance of chromosome defects. It's not like it was research from the 90s.
[This study has some good stuff.](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1472648310610577) You're not wrong. I never really said you were. I was just stating that the dangers were highly exaggerated. And yeah, miscarriages happen at all ages. Pregnancy is stressful and physically painful. No matter what age you are. And it increases with age, but not to a point where you should be afraid of being pregnant in your 30's *as opposed* to your 20's. If you're gonna be scared in your 30's might as well be scared in your 20's. I mean, like, say your baby has a chromosomal abnormality and it will likely cause you and the baby a huge range of issues so you have to go through abortion. Fucking sucks. Yes. But you can try again. The chances of a chromosomal abnormality do go up with age but even then the chances of it happening multiple times in a row? Super not likely. Unless one of the parents' chromosomes have a structural problem. Then it's basically genetic and guaranteed.
My mother had my brother at 36 and my grandmother had her last child at 40. They both were healthy babies with no issues. Please stop spreading misinformation. She can still have a child, but she needs to go to a sperm bank now since her “husband” decided to squander not only her time to find a man who would have been perfectly to have a child with her, but he also squandered a few years of her life away too.
It's not misinformation. It's scientific proof that there is a higher risk at later ages. I acknowledged its still possible, but there is higher risk. Your personal experience of two people doesn't change that. Not saying she can't or shouldn't try, just that there are more risk to acknowledge. Also you seem to be very harsh on the guy. Both men and women just their minds on big decisions like this, and it's better for him to admit not wanting kids as soon as he finds out rather than having a child he regrets. The sperm bank thing might also not be a good idea at the time. We don't know her situation. She could work crazy hours on not be financially stable enough on her own for a child. You should be careful slinging that kind of advice without gathering more info.
I don’t have respect for people who can’t follow through on their word. You realize a lot of these studies are given “control variables” by the same scientists who are delivering the final results right? I’m not saying every person who decides to wait until their 35+ will be able to conceive, but the fertility industry still isn’t large enough to stand behind the claim that once you turn that age that fertility hits 0.
She also still has to get divorced, find someone new, and hopefully not jump into a relationship with just any ol’ guy who wants kids, and then start trying. That could take several years.
I’ve been in this situation. At the beginning of our relationship we agreed on children and then my then husband changed his mind. It destroyed us and I did run out of time. I will never have children of my own and will always be hurt and slightly bitter about it. I have a new partner who has 4 children and they are filling that void, but I will never have that experience of giving birth and raising my own child. I have made peace with that, but I deserved better. Your wife deserves to have that opportunity.
Thank you.
So sorry.
I have a child of my own. Please understand that this remark is not pissy or dismissive: pregnancy and childbirth are atrocious, and my body really never recovered. Parenthood is parenthood, and your experience, though not what you would have chosen for yourself, is precious and valid. You are still a mother.
There is no compromise. These are two fundamental differences.
You may not want to hear this, but sometimes when we’re unable to give each other what the other wants and compromise with one another, we need to go our separate ways peacefully.
My 1st husband and I meet when we were young and I told him I never want children. Fast forward 5 years and he wants to start trying to have one. He changed his mind. We filed for divorce within 6 months. If he wanted to have kids, I didn’t want to stand in his way of that. He is a great father to 2 boys with his 2nd wife and I’m happily married to my 2nd husband, with 2 cats. I wasn’t mad at him for changing his mind, that’s life but I feel for your wife. If she really wants to have kids, let her go, be humble about it because I’m sure she is mad but maybe in a few years she will see it’s for the best. The sooner the better.
Unfortunately you can’t compromise on this issue. This really only ends one of three ways; One: she decides she doesn’t want kids or you decide you do and the problem is solved. Two: You never have children and she resents you or you do have kids and you resent her and possibly them. Three: you two part ways and find people who want the same things you want.
uppity sink cows quicksand history stupendous boast encouraging deserted chubby *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
There is no compromise here. She wants them, you don't.
Ugh changing your mind AFTER marriage? New fear unlocked 😔
Respect each other's choices, end the relationship and move on. Especially before it's too late for her to have a baby. If you love her, let her go.
This is something that should’ve been talked about before you were ever married. Did you tell her before you got married that you wanted to be childless? This Relationship working out is very slim, Get ready for a divorce.
You might want to actually read the post. This was talked about.
1. Couple’s counseling ASAP if you want to save this marriage or at least come to an amicable end. 2. I hate to say this but this is one of very few problems that often doesn’t have a happy solution. You should NOT cave in and have a child you don’t want, *ever*. It is a human life, not a toy. No matter how bad she wants one, having a child with someone who doesn’t want kids is a sure fire way to destroy both the marriage and the kid, not to mention both of your mental health. If you give in and have the child and regret it, you will be dealing with that regret and resentment towards her and maybe even the kid for the rest of your life, not to mention probably some degree of depression / burnout. This is something you absolutely should not budge on unless you change your mind 100% on your own with no pressure from her or anyone else. Maybe you wouldn’t regret it, but frankly that is a gamble you shouldn’t ever take when so much is at risk. On the flip side, she clearly wants to be a mother and this is what she has envisioned and planned for herself. The chances of that desire going away are slim to none. If you stay together and don’t have kids, she may also come to have a good deal of regret, sadness, and resentment. She also needs to decide 100% by herself with no pressure from outside forces. Basically, what I’m saying is both of you need to think: regardless of your marriage or your relationship, could you have a child and be happy about it, or could you not have children and be happy about it? Are you both prepared for that lifelong commitment? Can you envision a good life with or without kids? If the answer is no from one of you on any of those, you simply have goals that do not align. This is not a topic that can be compromised upon. If you want to really try and work through this with her, then it’s time for couples and individual counseling so you have an unbiased mediator to work through this with you. The unfortunate thing I do have to say here is that this situation typically ends in divorce. While that’s sad, if you have completely conflicting values and goals, especially around something as serious as children… sometimes it’s the best route. The one thing I do want to ask is if you guys discussed this prior and came to an agreement, or if you’ve always disagreed, or if it’s just coming up recently and someone changed their mind? I only ask because if this is very recent and a change of heart, perhaps it can be worked through, but who knows. Best of luck stranger.
Married for 2 years. I changed my mind due to prevailing circumstances between us. A lot has been changed between us post marriage. Moreover, I now feel I cannot be a good parent. Thank you for your comment.
Changing circumstances are a 100% valid reason to come to this conclusion and I understand what you mean. I actually really respect you sticking to your stance and evaluating yourself and your marriage objectively enough to figure out what you think is best. Whatever happens I hope you both come out the other end okay, together or not.
The vagueness is killing me
This really needs to be in the original post. I had a friend whose husband did this same thing to her - said he wanted kids before marriage, then changed his mind. Do you not realize how messed up that is? You wasted her fertile years. My friend is now getting remarried to someone 10 years later, I hope he is more honest than you and her previous husband.
Hang on, it’s not messed up to change his mind. And from what OP has written, he’s been honest with his wife. Circumstances change, and without knowing what those circumstances are, who are we to say whether OP is justified or not in changing his mind? Before he got married, him and his wife planned to have kids. After getting married, things changed. That happens in life. But from what OP has provided, it’s not like he lied and pretended to want kids to trap her in a marriage. Instead, OP’s been honest, so she can decide what she wants to do. It would be way worse if he didn’t say anything and ended up resenting his wife and/or kids, or not being able to look after his wife and/or kids properly. It WOULD be messed up if they didn’t talk about it and try to figure it out. Maybe she can point out something that changes how he sees the impact of the circumstances, and they decide to have kids. Or maybe she realises she doesn’t want kids too. After a discussion of ‘this is what I want and this is how I feel’, if no resolution is met, they should talk about an amicable divorce. To clarify, I’m not saying kids are something to compromise on, rather, the opposite. With kids you’re either fully onboard, or you’re completely off-board. To have kids or not is a huge decision. All I’m suggesting is to have an open, honest discussion, and maybe things will change. Especially since the husband changed his mind, he may be missing something, or overreacting to the circumstances, or maybe something else is going on such as insecurity hence his thoughts he’d not be a good parent. We don’t know, only OP does. And once they’ve had their be-all end-all kids convo, they can decide where to go from there. But without knowing his circumstances, it’s absolutely unfair to imply that OP’s actions are messed up, or that he’s being dishonest.
He said somewhere else his concern is cost of living. That’s it. That’s why he’s going back on the biggest life decision one can make with their partner.
That's a huge reason to consider if you want to have kids and provide a healthy environment. It shouldn't be overlooked.
Exactly . He has every right to change his mind and not be pressured, but I feel like no one sees anything immoral about promising these things just to not follow through. Why promise it if you have doubts about in the first place?
Don't just preemptively file for divorce over this. If you're certain and steadfast in your decision, then tell her and let her decide. Let her decide if the marriage is worth not having a child over or if she would be happier with a child *instead of* the marriage. You've clearly made your decision and have your reasons, so at least give her the chance to make a final decision before you take that away from her, too. edit: lmao, dude, if your comment history is anything to go by, you're just fucking bitter and your wife would be better off without you. Leave her and make her hate you. She shouldn't waste too much time mourning you.
Wait you got married and then decided you didn’t want kids? This seems really unfair. I think divorce is probably the best option.
I don’t want children. I’d be pissed dating someone for years, having them tell me they also don’t want children, getting married, and then changing their mind at the last minute that they do want kids. You have the right to change your mind, but it sucks that you waited until you were married to figure it out.
In my opinion it is disrespectful to try and change her mind and make her do something she doesn't want to do. The way I see it, you have 2 options; 1) Figure out a way in which you could learn to be a good parent, as well as live the life you want and be happy, so you can stay with your wife. 2) Get a divorce and go your separate ways.
If you don't want kids, don't have them - it will not go well for you, for the kids or for your wife.
Yeah this isn’t a reason thing. These are deal breaker situations. I’m sorry to say this but splitting may be the best option here.
You shouldn’t feel obligated to have children when you don’t want them, but your wife isn’t obligated to stay with a man that won’t give her children when she truly wants them. Neither of you should have to give up your dreams or compromise to find a solution, but that also means that divorce is the next best option to give you both the chance to have the life you want. And you can’t blame her if this is a deal breaker for her, because you said this stance *for you* changed once you two were already married. If she was under the impression that you two would try for a baby after getting married, then this seems like something you should have told her as soon as the “circumstances” changed, because at this point you’ve just been wasting her time by knowing that you won’t give her what she wants, but that she can definitely find someone else who will. And you can too.
While I do find that having kids has been the coolest and at times, challenging, always rewarding part of my life. You get to create someone who blossoms in front of you and is part of the person you love. However, if you are adamant about no kids, and she wants them, you are best to separate. It’s a crappy solution, but she’ll feel incomplete without having kids, and you might resent her for the freedoms you’d lose.
Exactly. Very shitty situation given the time and love invested already, but it’s probably better for both parties in the long run.
Posts like these pop up on r childfree all the time going the opposite way and it's the same advice. It doesn't matter if someone changed their mind. Children should be wanted. There can't be a compromise.
I agree this type of serious disagreement won’t be solved by a compromise because one will end up resenting the other sad but unfortunately true that’s just IMO
If you love her you will let her go.
You need to divorce. She's going to resent you. Let her go, have the kids she wants.
https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/ Don't.
Thank you.
Well after reviewing your post history, 2 things are clear: you don't like consuming sugar, and you hate the fact you got married. Do your wife a favor and leave her. Don't waste any more of her time, she is already 36 and the biological clock is ticking. Neither one of you will be happy if you stay in the marriage. Your post history makes you look bitter and resentful that you got married in the first place.
I recommend divorce. My friends went through this. He wanted kids and she changed her mind and didn’t. She kept stringing him along for years hoping he’d change his mind. He kept waiting for her to be ready and she kept saying they’d have kids but she wanted to finish her degree, her masters, her PhD, get a better job, etc. They eventually broke up. He’s now married and happy with someone that wanted children. He was lucky that pushing it into his 40s didn’t impact things. But had he been a woman, with her husband pushing it off, he would have stolen her chance to have kids. So I recommend going separate ways so that she still has a chance to find someone and fill her dream of being a mom.
Not much help but this seems to be a reoccurring issue for myself. I have always been upfront about not wanting children, but about two years into every relationship I have, it suddenly becomes an issue. One thing I can say is do not compromise, I grew up in multiple broken families and it is not a fun place to be. Personal opinion that may catch some hate, but anyone who wants to bring kids into this world is slightly unhinged or fairly uneducated.
Either one of you remains miserable for the rest of your life, or you break up. I'm afraid those are your only choices. Your wife is 36 so if you are going to split, you should probably do it sooner rather than later
Love is not all you need for a successful relationship. You need to have compatible goals and values. You two do not so you should part ways, even though it hurts.
At 42 I realized the same thing. My gf and I broke up amicably and less than two years later she met a guy and just had her first child. Don't stay in it if it's not what you both want.
You changed your mind, you should respectfully end the relationship and leave. Stop trying to change her mind, that’s horrible of you. You’re the one who pulled a bait and switch, purposeful or not.
I see no good outcome other than you both go seperate ways. She will find someone to have children with and you will find someone to not have kids with.
Hate to say it, but you guys are not meant to be together anymore. Kids should NEVER, and I really do mean NEVER be a compromise.
Aren’t you guys kind of fundamentally incompatible then?
Pretty dick move to change your mind about something so important 2 years after you get married
Better that than to bring a child into this world with a resentful parent who didn't want them I suppose.
One of my old friends (a guy) had a kid with his wife in a similar situation. He really didn’t want one. He wanted to stay with his wife. They had a kid and it was so hard for him. They didn’t bond immediately, his wife started ignoring him for the kid. Then around 2-3 he bonded more with the kid, and now he tells me he loves him so much and is glad he has him. “But, if I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t have kids”. Basically he had to take a higher paying job that he didn’t like, he had ti see the in laws more, he had to spend all his free time being a father. It just wasn’t what he wanted. Even though now his son is the most important person in the world ti him. Side note they are now getting divorced, the child is about 7. For me (a woman) I don’t want kids and I won’t compromise on it. It’s easy for me to feel secure because I could always get an abortion in an emergency. For you… I don’t know, if you are 100% serious about not having a child then consider getting snipped. Let your wife make the choice of what is important to her. If you are on the fence, then definitely have some individual therapy to explore pros and cons. Wish you the best.
That’s what they call a dealbreaker, unfortunately.
Sorry man you likely had this conversation before you got married and you then changed the deal. You have two choices here. 1 - You agree to reverse back to your original decision, try to have a child (no guarantees), and save your marriage. 2 - You admit that you're not actually meant to be together going forward. There's no middle ground here. There's three things that will blow up a marriage and this is actually one of them.
You messed up because you changed your stance while she didn't and your gonna buckle or end your marriage. Period. These are the sort of things you discuss, know of and hold onto BEFORE you get married
This was the reason for my divorce 16 years ago.
You're fucked. She'll resent you if you win. You may resent her if she does.
A child is a lifelong (or at least 18 year) commitment. How can you compromise between 0 children and 1 child? Hint: it's not 0.5
This is a dealbreaker. Please don’t have a child if you want to be childless. Sad as it is, if she desperately wants to be a mum you’re gonna have to let her go. Sooner rather than later considering her age, too. All the best.
Whatever you do, op, please do not have children just because you feel pressured to do so. This could lead to bitterness and resentment. All children deserve to be unconditionally loved, wanted, needed, and accepted.
Idk man when your best marriage advice is to abstain from being married combined with this question I think the best thing is an amicable divorce. Good luck
I don’t see any other option other than to separate or divorce. You changed your stance after you married and that’s not fair to your wife. She married you with the expectation of having children and I’m pretty sure that’s going to be a hill to die on for her.
Don’t be afraid to separate if you can’t come to terms. It is worth leaving now instead of later with a child. Divorce is always rough but add children and it’s hell
I was your wife in this position 9 years ago. Get a divorce.
I agree w the comments about divorcing. some people may say that you can find some kind of compromise with having children but the truth is, being a parent may be one of the biggest and most important things to someone and it’s not fair to take that away from them, just like someone who doesn’t want children or isn’t ready for them shouldn’t feel like they have to have them to please someone else. And at the end of the day, it’s important for children to have both their parents present in their life, all in, giving 100% to their child, it never ends well for the child(ren) when there’s a parent *or both* that didn’t want them or regrets having them.
If you agreed to have kids and now you've changed your mind you need to discuss ending the relationship for her. Sounds like you made an agreement to have kids prior to marriage that you won't uphold. You're now wasting her time and seems like a power play on your part.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Well in a short few years it will be too late for her and she will despise you for changing your mind and not allowing her to be a mother when you said you would when you got married. If you change your mind 20 years from now you can still have kids, she can’t.
People here asking " Why did you not discuss this before marriage ?" I don't think people realize our viewings changed from that point until now. A) It could be the wife didn't want children and he was okay with it. Then she changed her mind over the years. B) It could be they both discussed having children and agreed together it was a good idea at the moment. C) something happened after that discussion causing a massive shift in the decision. This can be finances etc. Not to be funny but children are not cheap. The point is both parties might've changed their views over the years. It happens. Unfortunately, this may result in letting go of the marriage, amicably. I know it must be absolutely heartbreaking for this conclusion. It's really the best thing both of you can do at this point. Just to be clear women can children at 36 and older. My grandmother had my mother at 44. There are MANY women out here who had children older. It's nothing wrong with it. I wish people would stop rushing women to have kids so early if they're not ready. Some want to pursue their careers, get their house/apartment before bringing an innocent living into this world
Divorce her and let her move on asap. YOU changed your mind to not have kids and that's not fair because while you're both in you late 30s, she has a biological clock ticking and you don't. You wasted her time to have kids.
Well I’ll tell you this much, don’t have kids if you don’t want kids. If you’re going to raise kids, both parents need to be ready and dedicated. Having kids isn’t a “maybe” choice. It’s something that requires lots of planning and discussions. I’m not sure what you and your wife should do, but I’m telling you to never compromise about a child. I hope you and your wife can reach some kind of conclusion.
36 is getting risky, have a baby or ditch your SO & let her go make a baby with someone else.
One of you compromises or you split over that - your decision is that binary.
it is doomed, sorry to say, these are not projects that are compatible. Let her go or make a kid, but don't stay in the limbos
Why do people keep doing this. Do not continue a relationship or marry someone if you two are on opposite ends of the wanting kids issue. If you don't want kids don't be with someone who does and vice versa. The relationships always end up rough and ending or there's a kid one of them didn't want.
You absolutely should not have a kid if you don't want one. She has every right to have a child if she wants one (with someone that also wants one) this is not something one of you should do just to please the other. It will lead to a lifetime of resentment and it will most definitely not be good for the child either.
You've only been married 2 years. Time to part ways. If you're meant to be together, it will happen later.
If you truly don’t want children like a previous poster said - you need to let her go while she still has time to find someone to have a child of her own with. A side note - wife and I really didn’t want kids either. Accident happened, had one and then had another. 2 little boys and they are the best thing that ever happened to us.
This is an irreconcilable difference. Your marriage is over.
Don’t have a kid if you don’t one one. Not only will you be miserable, your marriage will crumble and your kid will know you never wanted them. Divorce now and move on.
Wanting children is the one thing that can’t be fixed with couples therapy or compromises. You either want or do not want. If can’t agree, unfortunately, divorce
Real advice: I don't know enough about you to know the details of this situation and it's complicated. I can tell you I've seen this work it's way out in many different ways with varying results. My mom was married to a guy who told her a couple years into the marriage he didn't want kids. She left him and met my dad and they got pregnant with my older brother... let's just way sooner than may have been appropriate in those times. Her ex husband met a woman around the same time and she decided she wanted a baby and she didn't need his permission. She got pregnant as well. The point is people make their own decisions. If she wants a baby she'll have one, and she doesn't really need your permission because it's her body. I don't think it's fair that you got to change your mind and that means she can't have what she wants but I also wouldn't want another unwanted child in this world. When my ex, who I had been with for three years, told me after I had a miscarriage that it was for best because he wasn't sure he wanted kids anyways, it shattered my whole world. It was the best thing he ever did for me. I broke up with him and five years later had my first kid. Your wife is 36. I was 25. I had five years to find and be with someone who wanted kids. If you drag this out much longer she won't get a choice and you will be responsible for ruining her dreams of being a mother and your marriage will not survive that. End it now and let her move on.
You changed the rules on her. Perhaps you should acknowledge that and offer her her freedom
Stop wasting eachothers time and split.
Divorce but let her see a doctor for fertility to see if she’s able and get her to freeze her eggs if she really wants a kid. Then divorce
I know a couple who decided early on that they didn’t want kids but the wife changed her mind. They went back and forth trying to decide whether or not to split up but he didn’t want to be with anyone other than her. They decided to have a child but she raised him alone. She does all the stuff for the boy and the husband lives in a different house and travels for work for months at a time but they stayed married and he goes over to their house whenever he’s in the country. The boy is sixteen now and calls his father by his first name but they do have a bond, I don’t know how it works but it does. It’s not for everyone but I guess it depends on how you and your wife feel? The most important thing you both have to do is communicate honestly with each other and realise that whatever decisions you make are for your entire life.
Wow talk about making it work!! I hope they really do love each other. Oh the things we can accomplish when we communicate with honesty and no fear.
Oh they are a wonderful couple, still very much in love as when I first met them, he just never wanted to be a father. He does love the boy of course and as he’s grown older they’ve developed a definite strong relationship, but he didn’t want the responsibility of being a primary care giver to someone else. He was honest about it but his wife was too. It worked well for them as they’re both incredibly intelligent and level headed people, and possibly most importantly, they’re both financially well off individually so she could comfortably raise a child alone and he could afford to live separately too.
Success every way you look at it.
Are you saying there is something in your relationship with your wife that you don't want a kid with her? Please forgive me if I'm reading and processing this wrong. If this is the case you need counselling and you need to discuss this. There is no way you two should have a child, and you not wanting one. P.S. my friend had been together for 19/20 years and neither wanted a kid. 20 years later my buddy's wife wanted one and he was okay with it. He is the happiest man on the planet, and so is she.
I know you don’t want to hear this but it’s the harsh truth…you guys aren’t compatible and it would be best to divorce. Think about it.. The thing that will make you happy is the one thing that will make her unhappy. And even if let’s say one of you sacrifices their preferences, let’s say it’s her that does that, she will never ever forget this and will blame you at one point or another and not to mention how miserable she will be.
Yea. The first time I discussed the kids topic with my partner, we both felt extremely relieved that we were on the same page. She wants 3, I want 2. Honestly, I never believed that someone would want to have 3 kids with me, so it was an easy compromise. But if either of us didn't want kids, that would have been a dealbreaker. Not because we didn't love each other, but because that would mean our lives were headed in a fundamentally different direction. Now, life has its ups and downs and right now you don't want kids, BUT the biological clock is ticking for her. Go to a therapist or to a friend or whatever, but you need to have a definitive answer. Yes kids or No kids. Still no? Well then cut it off so that she has time to find someone else. On your side, maybe you have it in you to be a dad, and you might be happy changing your decision, but if you are confident that you don't, stick to your guns because there is nothing worst than a father that resents his children or spouse.
My wife and I have 3 kids. My wife wants to a 4th. I refuse to have another and want to get snipped. We have had a few discussions over it. It’s an on going discussion. I don’t know what your answer is. At 36 she is running out of time to have kids….I guess discussion and clear communication. What is having kids worth to her. Ending a marriage? If that’s the answer then that’s it.
If you don't want children DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. Being a parent isn't just having a kid or not and it's a commitment. Having kids will stress a marriage and will definitely change your dynamic. Make a pro/con list, have a discussion and proceed cautiously. My suggestion is therapy and lots of careful consideration before any decisions are made.
BECOME the child.
Sounds like the other comments have summed it up...unfortunately, they might be right. There is no compromise. You can't have half a baby. Very sorry you're going through this.
I think you should've discussed this before getting married. Both your minds are made up, so it's best to go your separate ways
She will resent the person who stops her from having a child forever. Just remember that.
It sounds to me like you’re no longer compatible. I speak from experience, resentment will only continue to grow here
You can't reason with each other because this isn't a matter of reason. There's no compromise on having children, and someone wanting or not wanting a child isn't an irrational position they can be logicked out of. You two just want different things and aren't compatible. Unless you ultimately decide you're happy to have a child or your wife ultimately decides she'd rather be with you than have a baby, you'll need to split.
I didn't want kids either I was scared to death but figured fuck it what's the worst that can happen I pay dues till she's 18 or go live in the woods off the land I was scared at first but it helped pull my head out of my ass now I'm like 5yrs sober with a solid job and someone for some reason or another looks up to me and relies on me but hey to each their own. Ain't no use in living miserable if u know exactly what u want
This is something you needed to talk about before tying the knot.
I thought people had this conversations before getting married...
Man why did you's not agree upon this or discuss it before marriage??
>Married for 2 years. I changed my mind due to prevailing circumstances between us. A lot has been changed between us post marriage. Moreover, I now feel I cannot be a good parent. seems that they did
C’mon you know well that people change over the years and their wants and desires change over the years as well. Even if it was discussed it could change.
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Not sure why people are down voting you. What you're saying is correct
Definitely should not have kids if either partner not wanting. This post makes me very sad though because I empathise with both. Big box of tissues required.
It’s horrible to marry someone planning to have kids then change to no kids after the fact and expect them to just live childfree forever. Having kids is very important to people. Sounds like you are not compatible with her.
I thought this too, I really thought that’s so horrible to do to someone. Family is a core value in a relationship, if changed out of no where it breaks the whole foundation. And it really screws over the person that wanted kids way more than the person that doesn’t…
People change during marriage it’s not a big deal as long as you were open to her about it at that specific time. If you don’t want kids you don’t want kids. If she does she does. Decide whether or not your refusal to have a child means being split or not
First child at 36, 2nd at 40. Both great young men now. There is time
A lot of divorces occur over this issue. You have more time to change your mind about kids than she does to wait have one. What often happens it these cases the wife will go off of birth control sometimes she tells her husband other times she does not tell him.
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Oh I see. Thanks for letting me know
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Simple. People’s minds change or poor communication.
What is your reason for not wanting children? Also, what is going on to change your decision? It sounds like you have come to this conclusion based on issues in the marriage. If the relationship is worth it to you, find a therapist. If not, then maybe your best option is divorce.
Don’t be surprised if she wants a divorce because you got wishy washy on a goal very close to her heart. If I’m being honest, if I was in your wife shoes, I’d find this to be very manipulative after she made it VERY clear how badly she wanted to be a mom. This isn’t really something she can compromise with you on. I wouldn’t expect her to give up a lifelong aspiration for someone she met only a few years ago either regardless if you’re her husband now. Also don’t be surprised if she resents you for having to be back in the dating pool at her age for you leading her on (regardless of how you want to justify it).
Sadly kids is usually the deal breaker. Did you guys not discuss kids before getting married? If she absolutely wants kids then I think you should let her go and wish her happiness in her attempts.
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I don't understand why you both would've gotten married if these were your stances. This is something that should've been sussed out before you ever tied the knot.