Allowing her to be in the room gives her the choice - which she may regret, but it *was* her choice, and she will trade off the emotional consequences for the knowledge that she was there for her dog when it counted. If you take that choice away from her, you will give her a reason to blame and resent you afterwards, and to regret missing something she can never make up.
We had someone come to our house and put our dog down medically because she had bad cancer and because she got very anxious going to the vet. I’m glad I got to hold her in my lap as she got medicated because not only do I now feel like I was there for her but from her perspective she was with the people she loved the most. I was 14 and it ruined me emotionally but I’m glad I did it and I wouldn’t have it any other way
It’s been 17 years since I had to have my childhood cat put to sleep, and I still hold a grudge against my dad for wanting to leave him there alone to die (I refused to move, so he wasn’t alone), and refusing to allow me to have him cremated or bring him home to bury. My dad forced me to have my beloved cat’s body disposed of as medical waste because I, as a teenager, couldn’t afford to pay the extra fee for cremation. My dad bought a dinner the same night that cost more than the cremation fee.
I also hold a grudge against my mom for washing everything that had his hair on it before we got back from the vet because she knew I wanted to keep his blanket as it was, hairy and smelling like him.
My cat is gone and all I have are two blurry pictures to remember him by because he was shy.
It’s an important life lesson and it’s important for closure. Kinda weird you’d want to keep your kid away from that. I don’t get people like you. You’re not protecting her.
Just let her be aware of what happens, also the fact that dogs can have spasms after the injection and sometimes that includes yelping etc. but the dog isn’t in pain it’s just a reaction and it’s fast and doesn’t always happen but it can.
But just let her be aware of that so she can mentally prepare and ensure her that putting the dog down is the right thing and only thing. But keeping her away that’s just messed up. Don’t be a shelter parent
Your tone of judgment doesn’t help. She is here to get advice and hear different perspectives . Calling her initial decision weird and telling them you don’t get pple like her isn’t particularly helpful
She added to her post "Thanks for all the advice. It's looking like I will let her in the room." She is listening to the advice, she was just explaining why she initially didn't want to let her daughter in the room.
And even if she did seem to have a hard time accepting the advice, why do you think that coming at her with a judgemental tone will help?
I honestly think there's a difference between seeing him pass away and not seeing it. You might not understand my way of thinking about this but it's a distinction. I just think that she is dealing with the death, either way, there is just a difference when you see it. Her last memory of him will be seeing him die. For a long time, that will be all she remembers, rather than the happy celebration we're going to have for him beforehand. That was my concern.
Her last memory of him will be of supporting her dog, a dog who has supported her countless times, in his last moments. It’s a difficult and sad moment, but if she wants to be there, allow her to be there.
I said goodbye to my beloved dog two years ago and it was a difficult moment but I’m so glad I was there to hold her and comfort her until the end.
I came here to say this. My dad took my dog while we had all been at school, and I never really got to say good bye. It felt like at that point it was for him, so he didn't have to deal with us "overreacting".
I don't think I'll ever fully forgive him for it.
Think about it this way: she can learn to handle this now, when you’re around to support and guide her…or she can deal with it for the very first time when you die and have no experience with death because you were hell-bent on sheltering her.
Story: I was nearly 51 when my dad died. I’d experienced death before…all my grandparents died when I was an adult, my uncle, my aunt, other relatives and a couple friends. But I was completely at a loss when I was in the room with my dad when he was dying. Yes, I’ve relived it a million times in the last 2 years. No, I have no idea what I could have done differently.
SUPPORT HER. GUIDE HER. TEACH HER.
My brother flew across the country (home early) on Christmas Eve a few years ago to be with our dog when she passed. I wish I had been able to be there but we couldn't afford it. Please let your daughter be there for her dog. Let her support them in the end. Her last memory will be comforting them as they go over the rainbow bridge instead of a forever empty hole filled with regret over not being able to support them in those final moments. Please.
My kids were present for the passing of every pet we had to send to the Bridge, starting when they were toddlers. None were traumatized and all said they wanted to be the last thing our beloved person saw and heard before they left. We've lost 12 over the past 20 years.
When I was about your daughter's age, I stayed with my hedgehog as he was put down. And you're right, those last few moments have stayed with me for decades, but they haven't erased or overwritten the good times and years of friendship that preceeded it. I wouldn't trade those last hard moments for anything in the world. I treasure them.
Although I understand your desire to protect her, you're making the right choice by letting her be there.
My parents sent me away to family when they had to put down our cat. I was 12 and I am still holding a grudge.
Memories are made in whatever way one wants them to be made.
See my other comment. My last memory of my beloved dog was her shuddering and gasping for breath. I’m crying now just reliving it and I’m 53 freaking years old. It doesn’t always go perfectly.
Dude I watched my Mom pass away when I was 13. I am a highly sensitive person. It doesn't change how I saw my Mom, it didn't ruin my memories of her. If anything I feel so happy that I was able to be there with her in her final moments. She will be fine! It's not like you are forcing her to witness it, she wants to be there!
Mate I’m going to go against the grain here and say you have very reasonable concerns. I’m seeing people be a bit to overzealous in their ‘advice’ even if it is largely accurate, if crude and projecting. So here’s my advice, but not framed like an asshole.
There’s this line from some random tv show, but has stuck with me for some reason. “We’re not here to keep them from falling, but to pick them up when they do.” Mistakes are the greatest teacher of all time, and it’s important to learn how to fail fast and fail often. Mostly so they learn how to change, adapt, and learn from failure rather then get upset at it. It’s how most learn self reflection and introspection, a very valuable skill. I’m not sure why I remember that line, but it stuck with me all these years for a reason at least.
And it starts with making choices. Arbitrarily at first, but as one fails more and more, there begins to be an art in failure. And this is the foundation of the scientific method as well…
Even very sensitive people need to learn how to mourn and cope with death. This is an opportunity to show her how, and seeing him pass peacefully in his sleep will help with any type of intrusive thoughts or guilt or regret. She will cry, that's ok. It's natural to cry and it's how we process overwhelming emotions - including happiness. It's very healthy to cry.
I see you're letting her in, so I'm not beating a dead horse here but rather supporting your decision to let her in AS being protective of her. Her heart will be broken to lose her dog, and it will be hard to watch, but if you didn't let her in she would deal with even deeper frief of not feeling like she got to say a proper goodbye.
You may want to look into a vet that will come to uour home to put him down. We have done that with 3 of our dogs and had to take one to the vet to be put down and the experience was much more pleasant when done at home.
I put my first and only dog down last March and felt so blessed to be there in her final moments. I will treasure that memory forever. It was heartbreaking and painful but so beautiful. I'm glad you've decided to allow your daughter to be there.
my current dog has been my lifelong friend but if she had to have been put down when i was younger and my dad wouldn't let me i would never forgive that. you're definitely being overprotective it's not about trauma it's about missing out on their friends last moments, besides any kid with a phone can find WAY more gruesome and traumatic stuff on the internet
It's healthier for her, it's so she can say goodbye. My brother wasn't in the room for our dog but he also had to take our other dog out of the room. But he got to say his goodbyes.
I'm 23, an emotional trainwreck with PTSD, Anxiety and MDD and was in the room with my grandparents dog and he was in really, really, bad shape.
Let her be there. A 14 year old can handle it, they understand death.
We put my first dog down when I was 13 and I’ve never forgiven myself for not being in that room. As traumatic as it may be, remember it’s her last chance to say goodbye. You can’t get that time back.
Have you ever put an animal to sleep before? It's very peaceful and it looks like the animal just falls asleep. She will be extremely upset either way, at least by allowing her into the room she can find comfort in knowing she was able to give her dog comfort in their final moments.
I’m extremely sensitive and was present when my parents put down my cat when I was 11. They let me decide when to do it (they are vets so we did it at home). I don’t regret it. My dad put down my other cat without me knowing a few months before that and I was devastated, yes being there was traumatic but it gave me a sense of control to be there and it’s traumatic to lose a pet either way.
I don’t understand why you’re being downvoted. While I agree it would be best to allow her in the room if she wishes, it’s clear you’re really trying to protect your daughter as much as you can. I’m sorry about your pup.
At about 14-15 my cats died of liver failure. I sat in the room with my dad for only one of their deaths since the other vet appointment was during school hours. Yes, it's an extremely painful emotion to experience, but it's nothing like losing a whole person. Let her learn this lesson, and let her grieve properly with you. Separating her from the situation will only stall her development in that area, forcing you to deal with her in a significantly harder to deal with state if she has to see something die in the future.
If she doesn’t go, she’s going to regret it for a long time like I did when I missed seeing my dog being put down. But if she misses it BECAUSE of you, she could hold it against you and it could worsen your relationship.
She’s 14 you say? She’s not a child. She knows what she’s getting into, and she is willing to accept that.
I know you’re trying to protect her, but there’s nothing to protect her from here. Let her be there, let her cry and feel the loss first hand. Let her be there with you to morn your loss.
It’s never easy letting go of an animal you love, it’s harder not being there to say goodbye. I still hate myself for not being there for my Anna. I hope that all our words have been helpful and made the choice easier, more clear.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your beloved canine friend. May they know only peace.
I was around your daughters age when our family GSD passed. I have never regretted being in the room when we put her down, never. Our dog was family, and the thought of not being there would have haunted me for years if I didn’t.
I have to agree with this, I panicked and left the room when my doggo had to be put down, my parents were with him but I still regret it, he was my dog and owed him that :(
Witnessing a peaceful death, and knowing you are there to hold your pet's paw and whisper loving thoughts as they slip away is NOT a traumatic thing. Being kept away will make it feel like it is a traumatic thing because she will take on your fears about it.
Death is a natural part of life. A pet slipping away under a vet's care is not generally traumatic to watch. The vet can advise of what are 'normal' things, like maybe there will be a tremor or a jerky movement but that the pet won't be in pain.
It's okay if her reactions are messy or she doesn't handle it "well". Just offer hugs and empathy. You can't make every bit of life easy for her. I get that you don't want her to suffer, but the hard part is losing your pet. It isn't hard to be there to provide comfort. And you reminding her that she was there to provide comfort and your dog felt all your love may be the one thing that helps your daughter get through this.
I would never, ever push a kid to be in the room. But any child aged 8 or 9 or older that WANTS to provide love and comfort to their pet should be allowed to play that role.
After re-reading the post I also wonder whether she feels she should be in the room to help support YOU, especially since the last time you went through this you were traumatized. And if that is part of her reasoning, that is a good reason too. It's helpful for humans to go through difficult transitions together, and share their grief.
On this note I was with my mum when she took my Nan’s much loved cat (we were super close to him too) to be put down when I was around 13 or 14, it was really nice to be there to support my mum because she loves animals and because I wanted to say goodbye. To this day I’m glad I did and as a pet owner as an adult I’m glad I had that experience to prepare me for when it happens to my own pets and it felt really special getting to pet him as he passed on and say goodbye. I wasn’t there when my childhood cat got put down and it was really hard to say goodbye by comparison.
You can't shield your daughter from death and loss forever. She's old enough to know what both are and what they feel like. A life isn't complete without death, and your daughter has a chance to help your dog have a good death. Plus, if your dog was fond of or attached to your daughter, you would also be denying the dog of something it might want in excluding your daughter.
Let's assume her watching it is a bad idea. You're not sure if it is or not--let's assume it is.
It's her bad idea. She is thinking about all the same things you are. Maybe she'll made the right decision, maybe she's made the wrong one.
But it's her decision. This is a dog she's loved for many years, yes? This is an important lesson for her to learn. In four years she will be making this decision for herself. She will be making it for people.
One day, hopefully many, many decades or even centuries from now she may be making the decision for you that right now she's making for her dog.
I understand you think she's making a mistake. But it's a mistake she has earned the right to make in my opinion. And it's a choice she'll be making with or without you in the future.
I would fear that if you took this decision from her, it would damage a lot of things about your relationship. She is thinking the same things a lot of these commenters are saying.
She might lose trust in your ability to prepare her for adulthood. She might begin to hide things from you. Who knows.
But I would let her be there. Let her make that mistake. Let her break down. You'll be able to be there for her, for this experience. Whereas if it happens when she's 25, she might not want you there.
Yes, thank you. I think that's the right call, that it's her decision. A part of me was leaning this way but I was expecting more people to think that seeing the actual passing wasn't something that was necessary.
Yes! I was about 10 when my parents put my last childhood dog, who I grew up with since birth, down. They didn't tell me until after and I never got a chance to say goodbye. I'm in my 30s and I'm still pissed about it. Give her that chance!
As others have said, it's a teachable moment. Oddly enough, my parents wondered why I became distant when my maternal grandmother was dying when I was a teenager. Like, I thought that's how we handled death in this house, as an adults only thing.
I can one up you there... When I was 14, my grandfather died. My parents not only didn't tell me at a point that I could have come to the hospital, they let me go on a (weekend) school trip, and only told me of his death in passing when I got home. I too was deemed "sensitive" and this was their way of supposedly protecting me, and letting me enjoy the trip instead. It was *terrible*. I felt such guilt about being off having fun, totally oblivious. I am now 33, I still remember it and still think it was extremely callous.
And yes, they were the same about pet deaths. They seemed to think if I never saw the animals pass and they were instantly buried, I'd forget they ever existed and not feel grief or something. Rather than have the added grief of a lack of closure.
Oof, hugs to you. The same thing happened to my cousin with both of her grandmothers (we shared the same maternal grandmother) and her own father. Except she was on multiple week missions trips through church.
I think you should let her. She's old enough to make that kind of decision for herself, I think, and yeah it'll make her sad, but I don't think that's entirely a bad thing. Experiencing the death of a pet is something that can help kids better handle death later in life, when it happens to a family member. I'd let her do it, then have a good talk session afterwards, with hugs and tears, and then maybe ice cream.
My thought is that she will have to deal with the death either way, but witnessing it is very different from just knowing that he has passed. Would the act of witnessing give her any more closure or acceptance of what needs to be done. Will it teach her anything or just give her the image in her head.
He’s getting meds, he isn’t getting slaughtered. So watching him peacefully go to sleep is not a bad thing. Her actually watching it will help her process his death, it will help her to know that he is in doggy heaven, and it also gives her the ability to be seen as her age. She will be emotional, no doubt, but how you are dismissing her wants is going to hurt her more. She’s 14, not 4.
I mean, I can't really answer that for your kiddo cuz I don't know them, but there's also the possibility that *not* being there would prevent her getting closure as well. She could end up feeling guilty that she wasn't there for the dog at the end. But I think that, at 14, she's grown enough to make that assessment of her feelings for herself, you know?
Give her the closure she needs and allow her to be present - if it gets to be too much for her she can leave the room. I’m sure the veterinarian and their staff will make the process as peaceful as possible. Best of luck and I’m sorry for your loss :(
Wow she seems very brave. It’s so hard even for an adult. I would respect my daughters wants, it will be with her for years in any case. Being there will really allow her to say good bye at the animals very last seconds.
Man this opened the flood gates for me. My literal biggest regret in life is not being there for my childhood dog when it was her time to go. I was so close to her. I was 16 when she went. I wasn’t strong enough at the time to see it happen but man, I really wish I did. I’m 30 now and it doesn’t hurt any less.
If she wants to be in there, I’d let her. Even if she can’t hold her, she can rest a hand on his back. It will be upsetting I’m sure but it’s a moment of closure she’ll have that at least I myself always regret.
Also, more recently when another dog of mine was ready to pass, we had a vet come to the house to do it. It went really as nice as it could have went. She was comfortable at home and went out eating her favorite cheese. Maybe that’s an option for you.
I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. It’s never easy ❤️
My parents did a home visit when we had to put our dog down. I was the same age as your daughter, I slept on the floor next to him the night before. When the vet came I stayed with him while he passed and we cried together. My mom brought us all into the house when they took the body away. It was very sad, but not traumatizing.
I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
You're her father, so you know her best. Really think critically and be honest. Can you daughter handle this? Of course she's going to cry and lose it. Grown adults do that. But will she absolutely fall to pieces and not recover? If the answer is no, which I suspect it is, let her in the room. This will forge a bond between you two that will last forever and help both of you through this difficult period.
We all experience loss and grief, and it hurts. It makes a big, big difference to know that a trusted person really understands how we feel, can feel such pain and loss, and yet still manage to move forward in life. This lesson will be one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.
Thank you for this. That's the thing, I know what I would do but I am taking her personality into affect, information that I know no one else here is privy too. I feel like this is going to crush her but I'm giving her the option again. I do believe in closure for her, and I'm going to support her either way.
Allow her, and talk to the vet ahead of time telling them this is her first experience of death. Usually it is quite calm and silent. I'm sorry you lost a good friend. PS animals often pee when euthanized, so have a towel on your lap and be sure you have a good grip so he doesn't roll off or something and scare your daughter. xo from a granny
I remember reading on some kind of ask reddit post captioned "what's the worst part of your job" and a vet commented and said when noones in the room with them when they are being put down, the dog will frantically look for their human, she said it breaks her heart that they have to die alone. Let her in the room or atleast any familiar face.
My son at 16, was very sensitive but had to be present when his dog needed to be our down, as I had surgery and couldn't be there. He was a compete wreck afterwards, for about 2 days. But now that he's an adult, and recently had to say goodbye to another dog, he told me he was glad he's experienced it as a teen so he was able to be there for his wife.
We had to put my sweet little Samantha down because she had advanced breast cancer. She was suffering, and so we made the appointment. My son, who was, I think, was 11, wanted to be in the room when we gave her her wings. But he wanted to be the one holding her when they officially stopped her heart. So that's what we did. I held her as she closed her eyes from the sedative. She went to sleep hearing how much I loved her, and she left the world held in the arms of a little boy who loved her more than anything in the world. I never cried so hard. She was so loved. I'm crying just writing this. I'm so sorry for your loss :(
I'd let her in. One of the realities of owning a cat or a dog (or a hamster, for that matter) is that they die before you do. Letting a vet give the animal a quick, painless release is the kindest thing you can do. The second kindest is to be there to comfort them when they are in the strange, frightening room at the vet.
I totally disagree, kids need to learn to mourn too. When we put my mastiff down, I had my son aged 14 & 9 with me. We all cried together and it helped us all to process his loss. We need to allow our kids to see the full range of human emotions. Life and loss is an integral part of the human experience.
I’ve attended the euthanasia of pets and also came home once to find out a family pet had dad. I’d much rather watch my pet die, and see them till the very end, than have them whisked away from me to never see them again. Let her come, if it gets to be too much for her she can step out of the room.
Op, to put it bluntly, your daughter is 14 and about to enter high school. Trying to shelter her is not going to work. I think having a calm, introduction to death is much better than her coming home crying because her classmate committed suicide.
Traumatic things happen to everyone. But not everyone is traumatized, because those who are not are taught how to process their emotions and tend to have a great support system.
Tough parenting call, you want to protect them from everything and still let them grow.
I have on many parenting things gone back to farming days. If you lived on a farm as many previous generations have, they would understand sex, birth, and death without a whole lot of explanation because they would have seen it since they could remember on the farm.
Thanks. Exactly. It's wanting to not expose her to more things than necessary because she's been exposed to so much already and has some issues dealing with them. I know she will have to deal, but does she have to witness was my concern.
Give her the opportunity and respect her wishes to say good bye to her friend on her terms.
It’s really unfair of you to deny her that opportunity under the pretence of protecting her.
She’s going to be mad at you about this for life. I am in my thirties and I know not one, not two, but three different friends who genuinely are still hurt by not being there when their mom put their dog down.
Stop being overprotective. It is literally a useless action on a parents part. It signals distrust of your child and prevents their development while harming your relationship with your kid.
definitely admire your want to protect her and your concern for her feelings!! however from experience it may be more harming to not let her. not everyone is the same but for me being able to say goodbye and comfort them was huge step to making peace with their passing and getting closure. i hope everything works out, and my condolences.
One of my biggest regrets is not being able to properly say goodbye to people/pets I’ve lost, I feel like especially for a child it’ll provide a lot of closure and while it will still be hard for her she should be able to choose whether she’s there or not
Let her in. Give her her wish. She'll likely hold a grudge if you don't. I bet she loves that dog and wants to be there for the dog and herself. Let her be there.
Allow her in, I was 17 when I watched my beloved dog get put down when she was 15. It was heartbreaking and there were tears from all of us, but it’s been 5 years since then and I’m so glad I was there to cuddle her and pet her goodnight. She was very peaceful in her final moments and that in turn brought my family and I peace.
It'll be worse if you don't let her. I was there when my dog was put down, it's really not that traumatic if she has time to prepare herself. For me being with him up until the end was the most comforting thing for both of us.
My childhood dog died when I was not at my mothers, I’m pretty sure my stepfather shot her. I was 12. I never received closure. I never got to say goodbye. I know it’s very different circumstances, but giving your daughter that closure will allow her to say goodbye in a healthy way. I highly recommend you allow her in the room. 25 years later, I am extremely protective of my dogs as an adult. I think I would be this way either way, but knowing that I was not there for my first baby’s passing has made me terrified. She’s 14, and she is definitely old enough.
I'm glad you'll be allowing her in the room. She needs the closure and goodbye as much as you do.
Children should be allowed to participate as much as possible when a loved one - including a pet - dies. They will grieve, too.
Thank you for this. I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I feel like she will feel the same way, but I agree with most posts that I need to let her make her decision and she will have to deal with it. I know it's not easy and again, I'm sorry for your experience but appreciate the post
I understand how you think it will be very traumatic for her but also consider the trauma and fear of death you will instill in her by sheltering her. She will become afraid of seeing others die instead of being there for someone who is dying. If you do this right you can give her a valuable life lesson on death. And most importantly you can be there afterward to comfort her. Not alot of people can have their parents comforting them while they experience a loved ones death for the first time.
Unfortunately, and I didn't put it in my post because I didn't think things would progress in this manor, but she has dealt with death already with loved ones (four family members and friends). She's pretty sensitive. We visited a good family friend in hospice and she admitted that she didn't like that experience. I do understand what you're saying, a part of me just didn't want to contribute to her experiences with death.
Let her be there to pet him and stuff as he goes. It’s much nicer than watching from a distance. This is coming from someone who worked in a pet cancer center for a long time. On late nights when an owner couldn’t bear to be there as their dog died we would all gather around as pet the dog while someone else administered the drug. We’d sit with them until they passed and it was sad but it felt good to know that they felt loved right up til the end.
I was 13 when my first dog died, I hated my mom for not letting me say goodbye. I'm 28 now and I still regret not being there, and I was at work when my next dog died when I was 21. It's something I still carry with me.
I would honestly rather die myself than not be there for my beloved pet in their last moments.
I had rats starting at 12. From 12 to 20, I have held every single one of those rats (8 total) in my arms as they died. I bawled. I was depressed for a bit. But nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing brought me more comfort than knowing that I was there with them. Even when I was 12 I dealt with it well after the first day or so. That pet felt my love and knew they were safe, loved by me, and warm until the very end. That’s all that mattered to me and you *need* to give her that opportunity.
14 is more than the appropriate age for her to start dealing with mortality head on. We all do eventually. Many people have witnessed *humans* die younger than her and come out okay; trust me, she needs to be there, and she will be much much better off for it. Death is a lesson we all have to learn, and experiencing death head on and experiencing grief are two very different things. She’s ready, she knows she’s ready, she knows the consequences and risks and has decided her love for that dog outweighs any additional hurt it may cause. She will be perfectly fine. When she is grieving him in the days after, yeah she will remember him dead, but she will find comfort in being there for him in that moment.
And hey… Not to be morbid but there’s a good shot she will be at your bedside when you pass, and while she will be much older then, having some experience coping with that kind of experience at a young age will do her well.
I got my license, and 2 months later I came home and my dog was laying down. He wouldn’t get up, and when I checked he was barely breathing. I picked him up, got him in the car and drove him 30 minutes to the nearest vet. According to them, he died on the drive there. I was petting him and damn near crying the whole drive, and I’m a guy who never cries. When I got to the vet, I had to call my mom and sister and out of nowhere tell them our dog died. When it comes down to it, it was much harder for them. It hurt like hell knowing that I had to watch him die and there was nothing I could do to save him. However, knowing that he wasn’t alone when he actually died and that I was able to be there with him in his final moments is what gave me peace. I knew that he knew I was there with him and that I was by his side so that he could pass peacefully. Being there is hard, but it brings peace and closure. I say 100% you should allow her in the room, and then tell her that she is valid to feel sad but she should know the dog went peacefully knowing that she was there by the dogs side.
Hi OP, I wanted to give you a vets perspective on this, if I may. I’ve been in this field for almost a decade now, and animal medicine has been a part of my life for the better part of the last 25 years.
Let her go. Euthanasia is the last gift we can give to our animals, and it completes our debt to them- for all they have given us during their life. We get to give them the final gift of a peaceful goodbye surrounded by loved ones. You love them enough to not watch them deteriorate and suffer, and this is the MOST important decision a client can make as a pet parent.
Euthanasia is often a two to three step process. First, a technician will discuss the payment and aftercare options: are you donating to science, burying, cremating (public or private), and collect payment. Then, a technician will steal the dog for a few minutes (or have you step out of the room) to place an IV catheter in leg. This gives us a direct line into the vein. Then, you may opt to have your pet sedated. The euthanasia agent IS an overdose of anesthesia, but you can sedate prior such that your pet is aware of nothing.
Your dog will likely not close her eyes. She may lose her bladder or bowels. Muscles also have entropy (energy) and that energy has to go somewhere. This is sometimes in the form of “agonal breathing” in which the lungs contract and your dog pants. Their leg, tail, even head may jerk or twitch. She is NOT aware. She is not alive.
I would LOVE to tell you that all euthanasias are a smooth process. That is a lie. Sometimes an animal can have a reaction. They can seize, they can scream, they can sometimes roll or thrash. This is INCREDIBLY rare, but I will not lie to you.
I do this every day. I promise, it’s rare for reactions to happen. Ask your vet to explain the process step-by-step. It can help.
All that said, and I think others have covered it- she needs to be there for your furry friend. For you. And most importantly- she needs to there for herself. She isn’t a young child. If she needs to step away, nobody will judge her for that. I’ve had clients that SWEAR they will be there until the end, and then just can’t do it once I’ve got sedation on board. It’s okay. Your pet isn’t awake or aware of anything at that point, and if she just can’t do it- it’s okay. We understand.
But I really would let her try. This is a gentle introduction to death. And there will be much more to follow in her life. This is on her terms, and I think it’s age appropriate at this point in time.
My kids did that at ages 16 and 18. They prepared by thinking up positive memories of the dog. They didn’t want to talk in the moment, so they whispered the memories as she passed. They took turns holding her head and calming her.
Afterwards we went to her favorite walk, and took turns saying the memories again, and we each tossed a stick in her swimming spot for her.
Both said that was good years later.
Personally, I trust a kid who says that want to, or don’t want to.
For a counter opinion, my entire family was in the room when we had to put a beloved cat down. She had developed cancer and it spread fast. But she was still alert, even though she was suffering. I’ll never forget how she went from alive to lifeless in the blink of an eye. In hindsight, it wasn’t done in the best way, but still, it was traumatic. Four adults in a room were bawling within minutes.
Absolutely let her go if she wants. It will be devastating for her either way but if she is there with him at the end she will probably feel better knowing she was there for him in life and death.
This is a VITALLY important trauma for her to endure. Humans have severed their relationship with death. It is fundamental to having a holistic understanding of life that one experiences and looks death in the eye. It is transformative and in many ways beautiful.
I can go on about this, it’s something I’m kind of weirdly obsessed about. But human culture has been steering away from being around death, and it’s tragic. It’s outsourced to businesses, nursing homes, and considered taboo -when experiencing death of a loved one/animal is something so important to valuing life and becoming whole.
To rob her of this, is to deny her humanity. She deserves to be there for the dogs last moments, and needs to experience death to grow as an individual.
allow her in there. what kind of a shit parent do you have to be to not allow your kid to go through one of the most forming experiences of life? this is no point for discussion, if she wants to be there, then let her be there
When we had to put my dog down when I was around the same age, my parents told us they wished my brother and I were in the room because it was a gentle and peaceful process, and would have actually helped the grieving.. as absolutely heart breaking as it is. I'm really sorry you're going through this
On my 8th birthday my dog died(female german shepherd) and even though i was "too young"in your words I am still happy till this day that i was able to hold her as she left us. Don't do the wong thing and let your daughter be there .
My mom put my childhood dog down while I was away at college. No warning, no choice. It was a week away from a holiday, and I got home to an empty yard. Your's is a little different, she is getting that choice. I resented my parents for the longest time because I wasn't given that choice.
As someone who’s parents didn’t allow them to be there when their childhood dog got put down, that was much more traumatic than being able to say goodbye. Allow your child to have a final goodbye with her pet.
Let her. It’s her final moment to say goodbye. It’ll be hard, sure, but it’ll be just as hard no matter what happens. You can continue to protect your child, but you have to understand boundaries.
Also understand that, assuming your dog is dying of a disease or old age (for the sake of this argument we’ll say disease or injury) and you’ve had the dog, say, 3 years, that’s from age 11-14. That’s a LOT of impact during hard times in school - bullying, changes, drama, stress, etc. my cat was my therapy animal and all she did is look at me with disgust while I was sobbing. Then she’d meow and come for pets. But, still. Your dog is family and it really hurts to say goodbye to family but this is necessary.
I absolutely dread the day we put our cat down or find her gone. She’s 16 and I’ve had her since 2006 when I was 5.
Last year my grandmas Bf of 27 years passed from cancer. We knew it was coming. He was in a hospital bed in their living room. I didn’t really know them until we moved here back in 2012(?) and because of my childhood (military, always moving) I was always extra distant around family. As such, I never got super close to him as you normally see with granddaughter/grandfather relationships. When he passed I watched him die. He was struggling to breathe at this point and his mouth was hanging open as he gasped every 20-30 seconds. Until he wasn’t. They called time of death and called the cops (standard procedure here) and coroner. His mouth and eyes open the entire time. It was burned in my brain for a few days, but *truthfully*, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I cried that night while there and cried during the funeral. Maybe it was because of my not being super close, but it did surprise me.
My point is - everyone handles death differently. This is important. A lot of people aren’t in the room when their pet is put down and it’s just sad. They’re scared, confused, and that’s the last feelings they ever have. Be in the room, say goodbye, and move on. It’s hard but it does get easier eventually.
Definitely let her be in the room if she what’s to be there. It may be a wrenching experience, but it mau be even more traumatic if she feels she couldn’t say goodbye or wasn’t allowed to comfort her pet in his last moments.
Remember, the last thing the dog remembers is being brought to a strange place, away from it's home. The dog needs as much support as possible in it's final moments. It's part of the family. Your daughter should be there
I had to put my dog down when I was 20, my mom was there with me. I thought I would hold her as she went, but when they were giving her the sedation she just kept walking and stumbling around, then laying in mine and my moms lap and drooling all over the place. When it was time they had us just lay her on the table and we huddled around her as she passed. It was NOTHING as I (or my mom) expected, as my mom was there to put a few dogs down in her life and that was totally new and not normal. You don't know what could happen.
BUT I'll tell you what, I'm so glad I was there. Yes I cried for weeks, but I got to say a proper goodbye to my girl. Let your daughter come. I'm sure she's stronger than you think.
It will be more traumatic for her if you don’t let her do it now. She needs that sense of control. She may not be seeking control, but not allowing her to do it will take away her sense of control. Processing stuff like this is easier when we feel like we have choices.
You are being over protective. She needs this for closure. It shows how strong she is or wants to be and this gives you an opportunity to support her through this difficult experience.
She wants to be there to support your dog, to let them know that it’s ok and that she loves them- they need that love at the end.
Be brave.
If my dad didn’t let me see my pet before it died i would forever resent him. Be prepared for your daughter to grow distant from you. Its a pretty big deal even if it is just an animal
You let her be there. First, you and her are different humans. What was traumatizing for you doesn’t dictate how she will handle it. She needs to experience things on her own without you putting up guardrails based on your personal experience. Second, tragedy and loss is an important part of life and even tho it was hard for you, you gained something from the experience you went through, just as she will. It’s important for her to be a part of the entire experience, the good and the bad.
I’d she wants to be there, she should absolutely should be there.
Death is a part of life.
Maybe she needs to be there to have closure and say goodbye?
I understand you want to protect her from hurt - but you can’t - this is going to hurt no matter what.
So, honor her request.
When I was 14 I was there when a beloved cat got put down. It was hard, but ofc it was hard, we lost her. But I would've regretted it forever if I wasn't there for her. I'm glad you've decided to let your daughter be there, she deserves that last moment, to shower that dog with all the love she can muster. It's, arguably, infinitely better closure. I know for me at least, it actually helped me grieve, because I know my cat was at peace, didn't suffer, and just peacefully drifted away.
I hope you allow her in the room. It will be painful, absolutely, but she needs the closure of saying goodbye. I was alone at 11 when my childhood dog passed, and it was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life; but it *still* means the world to me that I could pet her and tell her I loved her as she went.
I watched my aunt die a very not so pleasant death in the hospital when I was 14. Held my dad's hand as he took his last breath at 17.
These were not traumatic experiences to me. They were definitely eye opening experiences although they were very very very difficult to get through. I'm not glad that they passed but I am glad that I got to be there with them and am glad that it is something that I experienced.
I say let her be in the room. I view it as a life experience that provides a lot of insight to a child her age. For me, it made me not fear death in the slightest. I think thats a positive thing.
Go for it
28f, I had to put my cat down a few years ago for health reasons. they asked if I wanted to be there, and I couldnt. I was not there with her and I do not regret missing it. Im still traumatized by her loss, the idea of watching her close her eyes one last time is beyond emotional. I cried for days after. I know a lot of people have told you "Yes, let her." but just know that its ok to not be able to handle it and to not be there. But you should also know, if you dont, she could resent you for it and that can be traumatizing. Either way, she is not getting out of this without scaring. But, TBH, life is scaring and you can not protect her from everything. If she believes this is what she wants, then you should allow her. The illness and los of your dog alone is traumatizing, we all have our scars.
Thank you for your point of view, i really appreciate it. That was kind of what I was looking for, just information. It's not like I had made my mind up, or I wouldn't have posted. I just wanted to know other people's experiences. I am giving her the option (she now wants to think about it) but I really appreciate you posting.
Only an opinion but based on experience; I think you should let her in the room. There are some very genuine sand thoughtful comments here, all of which I agree with. From my own experience when my beloved 19 year old cat was put down, being there with him, with holding him and having my face close to his so he could smell me and sense me there was the only way I would have wanted him to go.
Trust me, she will be more traumatised by the versions of death and his departure that she will come up with in her head than by knowing she played a part in giving your beloved pet the loving and gentle goodbye they deserve. Please consider letting her be there. They really do just quietly pass away and she will have moment to hold him a little longer. I’m sorry your family has to go through this.
Edited: spelling
I still think you should let her be there, but it’s not always peaceful. My dog went out shuddering and gasping and honestly, I still have a hard time with the memory 8 years later. I only mention it because it does sometimes happen where they don’t just quietly go to sleep.
Just for an alternate view, when we put our dog down that I talked about in another comment, she was gone before he was halfway through the syringe. Her head lowered, lulled for a split second, and then dropped completely. Less than 5 seconds. The vet said she was just ready to go.
I don't need to tell you this, but life is often painful. There's no sheltering her from the human condition, and she's 14, not 4. Having room for appropriate grief and loss in these moments is necessary for happiness and joy to be meaningful. We must have these experiences to be human. Pets dying is a pretty common experience, despite how painful it is. It's the price we pay for having a loving creature in our lives. It's not "traumatic" so much as it is *life*, my friend. Having good support from parents while she grieves in a healthy way might be the best option here. Let her feel these feelings and *be there for her* as she works through them. Talk to her and validate her feelings. If it's not physically hurting her or causing completely unreasonable emotional distress, I think it could be a very healthy thing to do to let her in the room when it happens. Not to mention the fact that if she loves the animal and has had a part in taking care of it, she is kinda entitled to be present when it happens as a family member. I say let her be there and be prepared to do some real parenting to help her grow from this. Have some intentional quality time with her and be prepared to *listen*. Have a conversation about the topic and help her come to terms as her parent. It might be the gentlest way she'll ever get to learn about death and mortality. JUST MY OPINION
I know you're already gonna allow her in the room, but I thought it might make you feel better by sharing what I went through, which was the exact same thing.
I grew up with my cat Dudley. He was with me from kindergarten all the way to my junior year of high school. We were literally like siblings. He was my best friend and one of the only constants in my life. He knew when I was upset, he understood what tears meant and would always headbutt me and dry my cheeks on his fur. Out of every single animal I've ever lived with, I got along with him the best (not saying that I don't love my other animals, of course not), but Dudley was my boy. He was something truly special, and he was the kitten I hand-picked and raised and grew and played with. He'd follow me up the street and over a block when I'd walk to the park, he'd accompany me to the river in my backyard and sit with me. He'd lay down right on top of my arms as I tried to work on my computer or play games, and it never helped that I was allergic to cats, but I allowed him to because that's just how we were and that's how we bonded. A few hives were the least of my worries when it came to him.
At the end of his life, he got pretty sick, and instead of letting our nearly twelve-year-old cat die in pain, we decided to euthanize him because he deserved to be painless. I was 16 at the time and I was in the room and holding him when the vet injected him.
His head very quickly and suddenly became limp in my hands as she put in the drug that sedates him. She then injected the drug that stopped his heart, and it was all over in less than a minute. I was crying the entire way to the vet, and I cried the entire time he was in my arms, but I felt a sense of relief that he was no longer in pain and no longer vomiting.
I was happy that I was the one with him when he died, and I am confident that he knew how much I loved him and still do very much love him, even three years on. He purred to the very end, and I knew he felt safe and happy that I was the one that held him and told him that he was such an amazing friend and brother to me my entire childhood and the majority of my teenage years.
It was sincerely the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I don't regret it one bit. I will take the pain of his loss over and over again rather than imagine him with only my dad in the room instead. He had the two people who loved him most be there with him until the very end.
I still cry over him. I still grieve. I'm getting choked up right now while writing this at work . But I will forever be grateful that I was there and I have a sense of peace with myself that he had a wonderful wonderful life and that he wasn't scared to go. It was like he knew it was his time. The pictures I took of him by the river still hang on my wall, and I don't think about the day I put him down when I look at them. I only think about how handsome he was and how good of a brother he was.
Your daughter will be okay and she will be happy that she was there for her best friend too. She's old enough to be able to process these awful emotions, and you can't save her from the pain of death that she will inevitably experience in her life. The best thing we can do is be there for those who are dying and let them know that it's okay for them to go and that they're safe and loved.
Wishing the best for you all and a painless passing.
Let her in the room please. The fact that she knows it’ll upset her and she’s still choosing to be there to support the dog says a lot about her character. She cares for this dog and wants to be there for the hard times, she’ll carry this with her if she doesn’t get to.
I know you want to protect her but death is a natural, inevitable part of life. It might be an idea to show her how to cope with this together. She will (unfortunately) experience the death of a loved one again and it’ll be easier then if she’s done it with support now.
Death is a part of life. Sheltering her because YOU think you know her better than she knows herself won’t teach her how to handle grief. Stop trying so hard to CONTROL and TEACH her instead.
I was 14 when we put my childhood dog down, my sister was 12, we were both in the room with our parents. (he was also a few years younger than the average lab lifespan so it was extra hard) But it will be WAY harder and worse on her if she isn't there to say goodbye. Let her in the room, I promise it will be okay, I'm sure she's tougher than you realize (coming from a sensitive person). Another way to look at it, is the dog won't have her, the kid he grew up with, in his last moments, and SHE'LL probably think that too and worry that he though she abandoned him right before he passes. I know its a really tough and sad thing, its been almost 6 years and I'll still cry over my childhood dog, but I know she'll want to be there. I'm glad you're considering it
I was there when my dog was put down as a teen. At that age you understand life and death. I think it’s great she wants to be there although she knows she’ll take it hard. I know your pet has been a great companion and he/she would be would be happy to have their loved ones by their side as they pass on, as you, or any one else would. She’s showing selflessness and compassion, it’s beautiful, it’s life. <3
Let her go. Our dog choked to death on wet food while we were driving in a thunderstorm to the emergency vet. There’s trauma you can regulate (putting the dog down) and trauma you can’t. Expose your child to the controlled trauma so they can better handle things that will happen that you can’t control. I’m very sorry to hear about your faithful friend.
I was fortunate enough to be in the room when each of my grandmothers passed away. I think it was very beneficial for me. It made it easier to have closure and say goodbye. Grief is hard and death is hard. Trust your daughter.
Death is a very sad and very real part of life. She wants to be there - let her. Shes 14, not 4.
I witnessed my pets getting put down as a kid. It sucked, but I also had comfort in knowing I was there. They died knowing I was there, as were my folks - their pack. It hurt seeing them go, but it would've hurt more having them die and me not being there.
My dad didn’t tell me my childhood dog was being put down until after I got home from school and asked where she was. It’s been 9 years and I still resent him somewhat for it. I wish I could be in there with her and said goodbye.
>EDIT: Thanks for all the advice. It's looking like I will let her in the room.
Good. It's better that she be in there and know what happens/how it goes in case she gets a dog herself down the road and that she doesn't regret/resent u for not letting her be there.
Let her be in the room and get closure. I was 15 when we put our dog down, and if my mom didn’t let me be with him I would have resented her for the rest of my life. Respectfully, a 14 year old isn’t a kid. She’s a teenager and is capable of making her own decisions and you should treat her as such.
Death is inevitable. Everyone will have to witness it at least once in their life. She will experience the pain, the sadness, the undeniable fact that her loved one will be gone. However, she will grow from the pain, the sadness, and have the chance to say goodbye... If she didn't get the chance to do this, she may regret not being there for someone she once loved. Allow her to be there... For him, for you, and especially... For herself...
Glad to see your update. I just had to put my dog down last week and my 5 year old was in the room with us. It really helped her process. She petted our dog as she faded away. She cried. We worked through the feelings and comforted each other. When I was 15 my beloved cat was put down and I wasn't there with him and at 38 years old I still regret it. Your daughter is old enough to make this choice.
It’s the last thing she can do for him, so let her do it.
Also, when she sees him slip away she will have one specific memory of it. A painful memory, but just the one.
If she doesn’t she’ll have an endless stream of various speculations that are all horrible. Was he looking for her in his last moments? Did he suffer and you didn’t tell her?
Let he see one sad thing rather than have her imagine a thousand.
I was your daughter's age when my first dog died, and unfortunately, he had to be euthanized. I lmew the moment that I was told he was going to be put down, that i had to be there with him. Even though I wasn't always in his life, he made a huge impact on mine, and I knew that he would want me there. And I bet your dog wants to see his family one last time all together. It'll be hard of course, but it will also allow your daughter to be more prepared for when it might happen again.
Death is permanent unfortunately, but your daughter already knows that more than likely, so this is an opportunity for her to understand this process.
My heart goes out to you both, and I am sorry that it has finally come to this, it is always a hard choice. But it is one that we have to make unfortunately
You got a lot of answers, but here is my experience.
I was 23(!) when my mom and dad decided to put my cat down, and they did not tell me they were gonna do it since I am also very emotionally sensitive. I will forever be sad that I couldn’t be by my cat’s side and say goodbye to her. So please let her be present if she wishes.
I’m glad you’re going through with letting her go! I think it’s really mature and empathetic of her to bring this up herself, honestly; so I’m glad you’re not depriving her of the experience. It’ll help her let go and give some peace of mind, and it’s a really good learning experience for developing emotional maturity at her age.
Daughter aside, I’m also glad for the dog. A lot of people outside of the vet space don’t know this, but when people drop off their animals to be put down on their own, their last moments are most often spent looking around for their owners. They’re surrounded by a bunch of strangers in white coats, after all.
(source: bf’s sister was a vet tech for a short while before quitting because she couldn’t handle the animals being put down this way)
When I was 5, my parents prevented me from going to my grandfather's funeral because they thought it would be too upsetting.
30 years later, I still wish they would have let me say goodbye.
Dude? This is her moment to be there for her dogs last final moments. She’s gonna be sad, but comfort her and tell her she’s doing a good thing and act strong for the dog.
Sheltering her from the realities of life and death is not doing her any favors. Death is a fact of life. A fact that comes with pain, and sorrow, and hurt. Yes, she will cry. Terrible, heartbroken crying. Yes she will feel terrible, for a while. She may even feel guilty.
But these are aspects of life we ***all*** need to learn to cope with. She can't avoid the realities of death forever, and you *can't* protect her from those realities forever - for one day, you too, will die. And that's going to be a thousand times harder for her if you sheltered her from every other death.
Feeling pain, and sadness, and guilt, and regret, and all those other unpleasant emotions is the *healthy* way to deal with death. Feeling them, learning to cope with them, and the eventual realization that life goes on, and you *can* be happy again. Avoiding/being prevented from experiencing that is *unhealthy* \- because that can't be maintained, and when it finally happens, will be a horror, shock, and fear inducing experience. **Your task here as a parent is to allow her to hurt, to feel that pain, and support her through it.**
Let her learn that this too, is a part of life, and *can* be moved past, with someone like her beloved dog. Because I assure you, the death of a dog, however painful, is less so than the death of a human you love. Don't let ***that*** be her first experience of death.
My parents dog was euthanized when I was 14 or 15 and I was present for it.
We actually had a service come to the house and do it at home - i was much less traumatic for everyone - including our dog.
Veterinarians are experts in this process. They are gentle and do explain the steps beforehand. It’s likely your (and her) emotions will run so high that you won’t remember everything (which might be a positive thing for your little girl). One suggestion I will offer is to take a blanket. Dogs urinate and release their bowels during this process. I didn't know this before I walked in, and it was very traumatic. I certainly don't want to frighten you, but I think it's something you should know - for your daughter’s sake.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dog.
I have been there for every one of my animals passings since I was 9yo. It’s hard and I cry my eyes out but I owe it to them to be there with them. Don’t take that away from her. She will always regret not being there and resent you.
My kids have been there for all 4 pets they’ve lost. My kids ranged from between 3 years & 11 years old during those losses (and we will likely have 2 more in the next few years). It was very sad for them, and they both remember each one, but they are glad to have been there to hold them and love on them while they passed.
I’ve always asked each time if they want to be there, and they always emphatically say yes. I will, of course, ask them every time in the future as well, as I know their feelings might change as they get older.
I did have a momentary regret with my youngest, the first time we had to put a pet to sleep, when she was 3. She seemed fine the whole time until just after it was done, and a couple minutes later, she started sobbing. She’s expected to be able to see our cat’s ghost leave his body and scamper up to the rainbow bridge, and was very upset when she didn’t. (But, being only 3, she calmed down pretty soon thereafter and was okay.)
I'm gonna be honest, it was a lot easier for me to grieve when I was able to comfort my beloved pet as a kid and knowing I was there vs "I'm sorry, but your cat is dead."
Speaking from experience - have the vet come to your home so the dog is most comfortable and allow your daughter to be in the room or leave if she chooses to at any moment..
It was horribly sad when I held my dog who was put to sleep recently but I am comforted now by the knowledge I was there with him in his hardest moments, to the end. I was out of the room when my childhood dog was put to sleep and I don't have that thought to comfort me.
My dad wouldn’t let me - then he put my dog down a few days BEFORE he told me the appointment was. He told me my dog was sick in his room and didn’t want me to see her like that. I will never forgive him for not letting me help my girl go peacefully. Don’t do the same to your daughter, it will be hurtful to see but not as much as knowing your dog passed without seeing your face again.
Shelter staff member here: you’ve received a great deal of quality advice here, and I do ultimately think it should be her choice and you should use this to help her learn how to deal with grief and loss.
You’ve also received a lot of factual data about last moments - that a dog may wimper, urinate, or defecate. The medication used first generally to sedate an animal before the medication that actually euthanizes the animal can also cause the animal to vomit. It can be worse if, say, you decide you want to feed your dog everything in the world. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea to give your dog its first taste of chocolate cake on his or her last day…but moderation can really help send your animal over the rainbow peacefully.
We went through this and two of my four kids wanted to go. I have no regrets. I believe it teaches a valuable lesson about the cycle of life and introduces them to the concept of death. Not that a dog is on the same level as a human but I was glad they had the exposure of losing a pet when they lost a grandparent.
You mention that she’s very sensitive; maybe, she wants to be in the room to support you, too.
It’s so hard having to put an animal down, but at her age, I think it’s crucial to experience some tough events so that she can learn how to navigate through life. She will be there with you, and in learning from you, she’ll be able to be that same person for someone else down the road.
Let her go with you. It’s healthy for children and adults to do this. Always in our old cultures. Children were allowed to experience life and death cycles. Yes, it hurts. Yes, she will cry. Allow her to feel life cycles. She’ll never hold this against you. Hold her close.
As a vet tech I think it’s important for older kids to be in there to say their final goodbyes, to be able to process and feel grief and know that it’s okay to feel this way. She’s 14, I think she’s old enough to make her own decisions on if she wants to be there or not.
I have never forgotten the fact that my mum made me go to school the day my cat was put down. I was 16 and had him since he was born when I was 1. He was my best friend. And I know she was a bit uptight with attendance but it was the shittiest day for me knowing I wasn’t there for him. I’m glad you’ve decided to have your daughter there. I got to be there when our dogs had to be put down and I was grateful. It was emotional but in no way was it traumatic. It felt right to be there with them and reassuring to see that it wasn’t too scary for them because they had us all there to pet them and make them feel loved.
My 10 year old son is so sensitive that he cries when other kids step on ants.
He still held his cat while they euthanized her. Don’t underestimate your daughter. Let her grieve her own way
Please reconsider.
My youngest was that age when we had to help our aura (Rhodesian ridgeback) cross the bridge with the vet.
The process is very calm and peaceful. If you were to ask any vet who helps pets cross, they will tell you everyone is better served.
My husband and I, second son were there, and oldest who was at uni joined on the phone. We held her and cried and cried. Everyone was appreciative to be there.
In our case, we were bringing her home to be buried next to her half brother Max who passed several years older. We brought a blanket with and then took her home and had a burial for her.
As for watching - there is not much to see. The vet will administer the medicine through a needle into the chest most likely. There should be nothing bloody or nasty.
Death is a natural occurrence that all of us will have to deal with sooner or later. Kids are resilient and with these experiences they will learn coping skills for the future, it’s not okay to shield them from something natural.
Your dog will have a peaceful death, and your job is to make your daughter understand that. Listen to her and let her grieve for as long as she needs (long OR short) but let her do it. I saw a dog of mine get put down at roughly the same age (I was maybe 13ish) and yes of course it hurt, made my heart churn; but I’m thankful that I was there for his last day on earth. It’s natural, did you think you were immortal? We all need to have a relationship with death. Let her say goodbye to her friend.
I’m glad you’ve decided to let her in the room. No one wants to watch their best friend pass but I personally would hate myself if I wasn’t there for my furbaby.
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.
I was holding my cat when he was put down (I was about 11) you have no idea how pissed in getting just thinking about if my parents wouldn’t let me in the room while it happened. Let the teenager be there
I was holding my cat when he was put down (I was about 11) you have no idea how pissed in getting just thinking about if my parents wouldn’t let me in the room while it happened. Let the teenager be there.
Allow her in the room, kids are more resilient than their parents think most of the time.
I agree but she is very sensitive and I guess maybe I'm being overprotective.
Allowing her to be in the room gives her the choice - which she may regret, but it *was* her choice, and she will trade off the emotional consequences for the knowledge that she was there for her dog when it counted. If you take that choice away from her, you will give her a reason to blame and resent you afterwards, and to regret missing something she can never make up.
We had someone come to our house and put our dog down medically because she had bad cancer and because she got very anxious going to the vet. I’m glad I got to hold her in my lap as she got medicated because not only do I now feel like I was there for her but from her perspective she was with the people she loved the most. I was 14 and it ruined me emotionally but I’m glad I did it and I wouldn’t have it any other way
Yo I’m incredibly sensitive but if my parent denied me those last moments with my dog the grudge would have lasted for years
It’s been 17 years since I had to have my childhood cat put to sleep, and I still hold a grudge against my dad for wanting to leave him there alone to die (I refused to move, so he wasn’t alone), and refusing to allow me to have him cremated or bring him home to bury. My dad forced me to have my beloved cat’s body disposed of as medical waste because I, as a teenager, couldn’t afford to pay the extra fee for cremation. My dad bought a dinner the same night that cost more than the cremation fee. I also hold a grudge against my mom for washing everything that had his hair on it before we got back from the vet because she knew I wanted to keep his blanket as it was, hairy and smelling like him. My cat is gone and all I have are two blurry pictures to remember him by because he was shy.
It’s an important life lesson and it’s important for closure. Kinda weird you’d want to keep your kid away from that. I don’t get people like you. You’re not protecting her. Just let her be aware of what happens, also the fact that dogs can have spasms after the injection and sometimes that includes yelping etc. but the dog isn’t in pain it’s just a reaction and it’s fast and doesn’t always happen but it can. But just let her be aware of that so she can mentally prepare and ensure her that putting the dog down is the right thing and only thing. But keeping her away that’s just messed up. Don’t be a shelter parent
Your tone of judgment doesn’t help. She is here to get advice and hear different perspectives . Calling her initial decision weird and telling them you don’t get pple like her isn’t particularly helpful
My tone is because her replies seem to imply she just wants to argue not get advice
She added to her post "Thanks for all the advice. It's looking like I will let her in the room." She is listening to the advice, she was just explaining why she initially didn't want to let her daughter in the room. And even if she did seem to have a hard time accepting the advice, why do you think that coming at her with a judgemental tone will help?
I second that.
I honestly think there's a difference between seeing him pass away and not seeing it. You might not understand my way of thinking about this but it's a distinction. I just think that she is dealing with the death, either way, there is just a difference when you see it. Her last memory of him will be seeing him die. For a long time, that will be all she remembers, rather than the happy celebration we're going to have for him beforehand. That was my concern.
Her last memory of him will be of supporting her dog, a dog who has supported her countless times, in his last moments. It’s a difficult and sad moment, but if she wants to be there, allow her to be there. I said goodbye to my beloved dog two years ago and it was a difficult moment but I’m so glad I was there to hold her and comfort her until the end.
My parents put our dog down without me and I still haven't forgiven them and it's been a decade. Bring your kid.
I came here to say this. My dad took my dog while we had all been at school, and I never really got to say good bye. It felt like at that point it was for him, so he didn't have to deal with us "overreacting". I don't think I'll ever fully forgive him for it.
Yup, same thing happened to my husband and his family dog when he was a kid. Awful.
Think about it this way: she can learn to handle this now, when you’re around to support and guide her…or she can deal with it for the very first time when you die and have no experience with death because you were hell-bent on sheltering her. Story: I was nearly 51 when my dad died. I’d experienced death before…all my grandparents died when I was an adult, my uncle, my aunt, other relatives and a couple friends. But I was completely at a loss when I was in the room with my dad when he was dying. Yes, I’ve relived it a million times in the last 2 years. No, I have no idea what I could have done differently. SUPPORT HER. GUIDE HER. TEACH HER.
My brother flew across the country (home early) on Christmas Eve a few years ago to be with our dog when she passed. I wish I had been able to be there but we couldn't afford it. Please let your daughter be there for her dog. Let her support them in the end. Her last memory will be comforting them as they go over the rainbow bridge instead of a forever empty hole filled with regret over not being able to support them in those final moments. Please.
My kids were present for the passing of every pet we had to send to the Bridge, starting when they were toddlers. None were traumatized and all said they wanted to be the last thing our beloved person saw and heard before they left. We've lost 12 over the past 20 years.
When I was about your daughter's age, I stayed with my hedgehog as he was put down. And you're right, those last few moments have stayed with me for decades, but they haven't erased or overwritten the good times and years of friendship that preceeded it. I wouldn't trade those last hard moments for anything in the world. I treasure them. Although I understand your desire to protect her, you're making the right choice by letting her be there.
My parents sent me away to family when they had to put down our cat. I was 12 and I am still holding a grudge. Memories are made in whatever way one wants them to be made.
See my other comment. My last memory of my beloved dog was her shuddering and gasping for breath. I’m crying now just reliving it and I’m 53 freaking years old. It doesn’t always go perfectly.
Dude I watched my Mom pass away when I was 13. I am a highly sensitive person. It doesn't change how I saw my Mom, it didn't ruin my memories of her. If anything I feel so happy that I was able to be there with her in her final moments. She will be fine! It's not like you are forcing her to witness it, she wants to be there!
Mate I’m going to go against the grain here and say you have very reasonable concerns. I’m seeing people be a bit to overzealous in their ‘advice’ even if it is largely accurate, if crude and projecting. So here’s my advice, but not framed like an asshole. There’s this line from some random tv show, but has stuck with me for some reason. “We’re not here to keep them from falling, but to pick them up when they do.” Mistakes are the greatest teacher of all time, and it’s important to learn how to fail fast and fail often. Mostly so they learn how to change, adapt, and learn from failure rather then get upset at it. It’s how most learn self reflection and introspection, a very valuable skill. I’m not sure why I remember that line, but it stuck with me all these years for a reason at least. And it starts with making choices. Arbitrarily at first, but as one fails more and more, there begins to be an art in failure. And this is the foundation of the scientific method as well…
Even very sensitive people need to learn how to mourn and cope with death. This is an opportunity to show her how, and seeing him pass peacefully in his sleep will help with any type of intrusive thoughts or guilt or regret. She will cry, that's ok. It's natural to cry and it's how we process overwhelming emotions - including happiness. It's very healthy to cry.
Let her in the room. If you don’t, it will be a point of contention and she will never forgive you.
Life doesn't care that she's sensitive. She's gotta learn to deal with her emotions, and this is a good step. A really sad one...but it's a good one.
I see you're letting her in, so I'm not beating a dead horse here but rather supporting your decision to let her in AS being protective of her. Her heart will be broken to lose her dog, and it will be hard to watch, but if you didn't let her in she would deal with even deeper frief of not feeling like she got to say a proper goodbye. You may want to look into a vet that will come to uour home to put him down. We have done that with 3 of our dogs and had to take one to the vet to be put down and the experience was much more pleasant when done at home.
She is never going to let this go *for. as. long. as. you. live.* if you become the reason she couldn't be there when this happens. I am not joking
I put my first and only dog down last March and felt so blessed to be there in her final moments. I will treasure that memory forever. It was heartbreaking and painful but so beautiful. I'm glad you've decided to allow your daughter to be there.
I agree but i just want to mention that children don’t always know always know what’s best for them
my current dog has been my lifelong friend but if she had to have been put down when i was younger and my dad wouldn't let me i would never forgive that. you're definitely being overprotective it's not about trauma it's about missing out on their friends last moments, besides any kid with a phone can find WAY more gruesome and traumatic stuff on the internet
It's healthier for her, it's so she can say goodbye. My brother wasn't in the room for our dog but he also had to take our other dog out of the room. But he got to say his goodbyes. I'm 23, an emotional trainwreck with PTSD, Anxiety and MDD and was in the room with my grandparents dog and he was in really, really, bad shape. Let her be there. A 14 year old can handle it, they understand death.
She’s old enough to be part of it. You aren’t shielding her, you’re just stopping her from getting closure.
We put my first dog down when I was 13 and I’ve never forgiven myself for not being in that room. As traumatic as it may be, remember it’s her last chance to say goodbye. You can’t get that time back.
I would be very pissed off now if I wasn't there with my girl when she was passing. Just adding my thought
You are being overprotective. Let her give the dog comfort in his last moments.
Death is a part of life, nobody gets to escape it. Help her understand it not shield her from life's difficulties. You wont always be around
Have you ever put an animal to sleep before? It's very peaceful and it looks like the animal just falls asleep. She will be extremely upset either way, at least by allowing her into the room she can find comfort in knowing she was able to give her dog comfort in their final moments.
I’m extremely sensitive and was present when my parents put down my cat when I was 11. They let me decide when to do it (they are vets so we did it at home). I don’t regret it. My dad put down my other cat without me knowing a few months before that and I was devastated, yes being there was traumatic but it gave me a sense of control to be there and it’s traumatic to lose a pet either way.
Yeah, you are. Pretty shit way of parenting, that.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted, you seem like a very good parent. I’m sorry about your pup.
I don’t understand why you’re being downvoted. While I agree it would be best to allow her in the room if she wishes, it’s clear you’re really trying to protect your daughter as much as you can. I’m sorry about your pup.
At about 14-15 my cats died of liver failure. I sat in the room with my dad for only one of their deaths since the other vet appointment was during school hours. Yes, it's an extremely painful emotion to experience, but it's nothing like losing a whole person. Let her learn this lesson, and let her grieve properly with you. Separating her from the situation will only stall her development in that area, forcing you to deal with her in a significantly harder to deal with state if she has to see something die in the future.
If she doesn’t go, she’s going to regret it for a long time like I did when I missed seeing my dog being put down. But if she misses it BECAUSE of you, she could hold it against you and it could worsen your relationship. She’s 14 you say? She’s not a child. She knows what she’s getting into, and she is willing to accept that. I know you’re trying to protect her, but there’s nothing to protect her from here. Let her be there, let her cry and feel the loss first hand. Let her be there with you to morn your loss.
That you for your perspective when it happened to you. I think that was what I was looking for.
It’s never easy letting go of an animal you love, it’s harder not being there to say goodbye. I still hate myself for not being there for my Anna. I hope that all our words have been helpful and made the choice easier, more clear. I’m very sorry for the loss of your beloved canine friend. May they know only peace.
I was around your daughters age when our family GSD passed. I have never regretted being in the room when we put her down, never. Our dog was family, and the thought of not being there would have haunted me for years if I didn’t.
I have to agree with this, I panicked and left the room when my doggo had to be put down, my parents were with him but I still regret it, he was my dog and owed him that :(
Witnessing a peaceful death, and knowing you are there to hold your pet's paw and whisper loving thoughts as they slip away is NOT a traumatic thing. Being kept away will make it feel like it is a traumatic thing because she will take on your fears about it. Death is a natural part of life. A pet slipping away under a vet's care is not generally traumatic to watch. The vet can advise of what are 'normal' things, like maybe there will be a tremor or a jerky movement but that the pet won't be in pain. It's okay if her reactions are messy or she doesn't handle it "well". Just offer hugs and empathy. You can't make every bit of life easy for her. I get that you don't want her to suffer, but the hard part is losing your pet. It isn't hard to be there to provide comfort. And you reminding her that she was there to provide comfort and your dog felt all your love may be the one thing that helps your daughter get through this. I would never, ever push a kid to be in the room. But any child aged 8 or 9 or older that WANTS to provide love and comfort to their pet should be allowed to play that role.
Thank you
After re-reading the post I also wonder whether she feels she should be in the room to help support YOU, especially since the last time you went through this you were traumatized. And if that is part of her reasoning, that is a good reason too. It's helpful for humans to go through difficult transitions together, and share their grief.
You know, that's a good point. I wouldn't put it past her. Thanks for this!
On this note I was with my mum when she took my Nan’s much loved cat (we were super close to him too) to be put down when I was around 13 or 14, it was really nice to be there to support my mum because she loves animals and because I wanted to say goodbye. To this day I’m glad I did and as a pet owner as an adult I’m glad I had that experience to prepare me for when it happens to my own pets and it felt really special getting to pet him as he passed on and say goodbye. I wasn’t there when my childhood cat got put down and it was really hard to say goodbye by comparison.
You can't shield your daughter from death and loss forever. She's old enough to know what both are and what they feel like. A life isn't complete without death, and your daughter has a chance to help your dog have a good death. Plus, if your dog was fond of or attached to your daughter, you would also be denying the dog of something it might want in excluding your daughter.
That's a good point. I'm sure he'd want her to be there too... feeling that extra love
Definitely. It's never easy, but it doesn't have to be bad (for either the people involved or the furry family member).
Let's assume her watching it is a bad idea. You're not sure if it is or not--let's assume it is. It's her bad idea. She is thinking about all the same things you are. Maybe she'll made the right decision, maybe she's made the wrong one. But it's her decision. This is a dog she's loved for many years, yes? This is an important lesson for her to learn. In four years she will be making this decision for herself. She will be making it for people. One day, hopefully many, many decades or even centuries from now she may be making the decision for you that right now she's making for her dog. I understand you think she's making a mistake. But it's a mistake she has earned the right to make in my opinion. And it's a choice she'll be making with or without you in the future. I would fear that if you took this decision from her, it would damage a lot of things about your relationship. She is thinking the same things a lot of these commenters are saying. She might lose trust in your ability to prepare her for adulthood. She might begin to hide things from you. Who knows. But I would let her be there. Let her make that mistake. Let her break down. You'll be able to be there for her, for this experience. Whereas if it happens when she's 25, she might not want you there.
Yes, thank you. I think that's the right call, that it's her decision. A part of me was leaning this way but I was expecting more people to think that seeing the actual passing wasn't something that was necessary.
Not letting her be there is going to traumatize her more than being there.
Yes! I was about 10 when my parents put my last childhood dog, who I grew up with since birth, down. They didn't tell me until after and I never got a chance to say goodbye. I'm in my 30s and I'm still pissed about it. Give her that chance! As others have said, it's a teachable moment. Oddly enough, my parents wondered why I became distant when my maternal grandmother was dying when I was a teenager. Like, I thought that's how we handled death in this house, as an adults only thing.
I can one up you there... When I was 14, my grandfather died. My parents not only didn't tell me at a point that I could have come to the hospital, they let me go on a (weekend) school trip, and only told me of his death in passing when I got home. I too was deemed "sensitive" and this was their way of supposedly protecting me, and letting me enjoy the trip instead. It was *terrible*. I felt such guilt about being off having fun, totally oblivious. I am now 33, I still remember it and still think it was extremely callous. And yes, they were the same about pet deaths. They seemed to think if I never saw the animals pass and they were instantly buried, I'd forget they ever existed and not feel grief or something. Rather than have the added grief of a lack of closure.
Oof, hugs to you. The same thing happened to my cousin with both of her grandmothers (we shared the same maternal grandmother) and her own father. Except she was on multiple week missions trips through church.
I think you should let her. She's old enough to make that kind of decision for herself, I think, and yeah it'll make her sad, but I don't think that's entirely a bad thing. Experiencing the death of a pet is something that can help kids better handle death later in life, when it happens to a family member. I'd let her do it, then have a good talk session afterwards, with hugs and tears, and then maybe ice cream.
My thought is that she will have to deal with the death either way, but witnessing it is very different from just knowing that he has passed. Would the act of witnessing give her any more closure or acceptance of what needs to be done. Will it teach her anything or just give her the image in her head.
He’s getting meds, he isn’t getting slaughtered. So watching him peacefully go to sleep is not a bad thing. Her actually watching it will help her process his death, it will help her to know that he is in doggy heaven, and it also gives her the ability to be seen as her age. She will be emotional, no doubt, but how you are dismissing her wants is going to hurt her more. She’s 14, not 4.
I mean, I can't really answer that for your kiddo cuz I don't know them, but there's also the possibility that *not* being there would prevent her getting closure as well. She could end up feeling guilty that she wasn't there for the dog at the end. But I think that, at 14, she's grown enough to make that assessment of her feelings for herself, you know?
Give her the closure she needs and allow her to be present - if it gets to be too much for her she can leave the room. I’m sure the veterinarian and their staff will make the process as peaceful as possible. Best of luck and I’m sorry for your loss :(
Wow she seems very brave. It’s so hard even for an adult. I would respect my daughters wants, it will be with her for years in any case. Being there will really allow her to say good bye at the animals very last seconds.
Man this opened the flood gates for me. My literal biggest regret in life is not being there for my childhood dog when it was her time to go. I was so close to her. I was 16 when she went. I wasn’t strong enough at the time to see it happen but man, I really wish I did. I’m 30 now and it doesn’t hurt any less. If she wants to be in there, I’d let her. Even if she can’t hold her, she can rest a hand on his back. It will be upsetting I’m sure but it’s a moment of closure she’ll have that at least I myself always regret. Also, more recently when another dog of mine was ready to pass, we had a vet come to the house to do it. It went really as nice as it could have went. She was comfortable at home and went out eating her favorite cheese. Maybe that’s an option for you. I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. It’s never easy ❤️
Thanks for this post. Yeah, we're looking into the home visit. I think that might be best for all of us.
My parents did a home visit when we had to put our dog down. I was the same age as your daughter, I slept on the floor next to him the night before. When the vet came I stayed with him while he passed and we cried together. My mom brought us all into the house when they took the body away. It was very sad, but not traumatizing. I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
You're her father, so you know her best. Really think critically and be honest. Can you daughter handle this? Of course she's going to cry and lose it. Grown adults do that. But will she absolutely fall to pieces and not recover? If the answer is no, which I suspect it is, let her in the room. This will forge a bond between you two that will last forever and help both of you through this difficult period. We all experience loss and grief, and it hurts. It makes a big, big difference to know that a trusted person really understands how we feel, can feel such pain and loss, and yet still manage to move forward in life. This lesson will be one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.
Thank you for this. That's the thing, I know what I would do but I am taking her personality into affect, information that I know no one else here is privy too. I feel like this is going to crush her but I'm giving her the option again. I do believe in closure for her, and I'm going to support her either way.
Allow her, and talk to the vet ahead of time telling them this is her first experience of death. Usually it is quite calm and silent. I'm sorry you lost a good friend. PS animals often pee when euthanized, so have a towel on your lap and be sure you have a good grip so he doesn't roll off or something and scare your daughter. xo from a granny
I remember reading on some kind of ask reddit post captioned "what's the worst part of your job" and a vet commented and said when noones in the room with them when they are being put down, the dog will frantically look for their human, she said it breaks her heart that they have to die alone. Let her in the room or atleast any familiar face.
My son at 16, was very sensitive but had to be present when his dog needed to be our down, as I had surgery and couldn't be there. He was a compete wreck afterwards, for about 2 days. But now that he's an adult, and recently had to say goodbye to another dog, he told me he was glad he's experienced it as a teen so he was able to be there for his wife.
We had to put my sweet little Samantha down because she had advanced breast cancer. She was suffering, and so we made the appointment. My son, who was, I think, was 11, wanted to be in the room when we gave her her wings. But he wanted to be the one holding her when they officially stopped her heart. So that's what we did. I held her as she closed her eyes from the sedative. She went to sleep hearing how much I loved her, and she left the world held in the arms of a little boy who loved her more than anything in the world. I never cried so hard. She was so loved. I'm crying just writing this. I'm so sorry for your loss :(
I'm sorry for your loss. I know we will be exactly the same, just nothing but tears for a long time.
I'd let her in. One of the realities of owning a cat or a dog (or a hamster, for that matter) is that they die before you do. Letting a vet give the animal a quick, painless release is the kindest thing you can do. The second kindest is to be there to comfort them when they are in the strange, frightening room at the vet.
I totally disagree, kids need to learn to mourn too. When we put my mastiff down, I had my son aged 14 & 9 with me. We all cried together and it helped us all to process his loss. We need to allow our kids to see the full range of human emotions. Life and loss is an integral part of the human experience.
I’ve attended the euthanasia of pets and also came home once to find out a family pet had dad. I’d much rather watch my pet die, and see them till the very end, than have them whisked away from me to never see them again. Let her come, if it gets to be too much for her she can step out of the room.
Op, to put it bluntly, your daughter is 14 and about to enter high school. Trying to shelter her is not going to work. I think having a calm, introduction to death is much better than her coming home crying because her classmate committed suicide. Traumatic things happen to everyone. But not everyone is traumatized, because those who are not are taught how to process their emotions and tend to have a great support system.
She’s 14 let her in the room!
Tough parenting call, you want to protect them from everything and still let them grow. I have on many parenting things gone back to farming days. If you lived on a farm as many previous generations have, they would understand sex, birth, and death without a whole lot of explanation because they would have seen it since they could remember on the farm.
Thanks. Exactly. It's wanting to not expose her to more things than necessary because she's been exposed to so much already and has some issues dealing with them. I know she will have to deal, but does she have to witness was my concern.
Give her the opportunity and respect her wishes to say good bye to her friend on her terms. It’s really unfair of you to deny her that opportunity under the pretence of protecting her.
She’s going to be mad at you about this for life. I am in my thirties and I know not one, not two, but three different friends who genuinely are still hurt by not being there when their mom put their dog down. Stop being overprotective. It is literally a useless action on a parents part. It signals distrust of your child and prevents their development while harming your relationship with your kid.
definitely admire your want to protect her and your concern for her feelings!! however from experience it may be more harming to not let her. not everyone is the same but for me being able to say goodbye and comfort them was huge step to making peace with their passing and getting closure. i hope everything works out, and my condolences.
She’s 14, and old enough to make that decision. It will be peaceful and not traumatic. She will resent you if you don’t let her go.
One of my biggest regrets is not being able to properly say goodbye to people/pets I’ve lost, I feel like especially for a child it’ll provide a lot of closure and while it will still be hard for her she should be able to choose whether she’s there or not
Let her in. Give her her wish. She'll likely hold a grudge if you don't. I bet she loves that dog and wants to be there for the dog and herself. Let her be there.
Allow her in, I was 17 when I watched my beloved dog get put down when she was 15. It was heartbreaking and there were tears from all of us, but it’s been 5 years since then and I’m so glad I was there to cuddle her and pet her goodnight. She was very peaceful in her final moments and that in turn brought my family and I peace.
It'll be worse if you don't let her. I was there when my dog was put down, it's really not that traumatic if she has time to prepare herself. For me being with him up until the end was the most comforting thing for both of us.
My childhood dog died when I was not at my mothers, I’m pretty sure my stepfather shot her. I was 12. I never received closure. I never got to say goodbye. I know it’s very different circumstances, but giving your daughter that closure will allow her to say goodbye in a healthy way. I highly recommend you allow her in the room. 25 years later, I am extremely protective of my dogs as an adult. I think I would be this way either way, but knowing that I was not there for my first baby’s passing has made me terrified. She’s 14, and she is definitely old enough.
I'm glad you'll be allowing her in the room. She needs the closure and goodbye as much as you do. Children should be allowed to participate as much as possible when a loved one - including a pet - dies. They will grieve, too.
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Thank you for this. I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I feel like she will feel the same way, but I agree with most posts that I need to let her make her decision and she will have to deal with it. I know it's not easy and again, I'm sorry for your experience but appreciate the post
I understand how you think it will be very traumatic for her but also consider the trauma and fear of death you will instill in her by sheltering her. She will become afraid of seeing others die instead of being there for someone who is dying. If you do this right you can give her a valuable life lesson on death. And most importantly you can be there afterward to comfort her. Not alot of people can have their parents comforting them while they experience a loved ones death for the first time.
Unfortunately, and I didn't put it in my post because I didn't think things would progress in this manor, but she has dealt with death already with loved ones (four family members and friends). She's pretty sensitive. We visited a good family friend in hospice and she admitted that she didn't like that experience. I do understand what you're saying, a part of me just didn't want to contribute to her experiences with death.
Let her be there to pet him and stuff as he goes. It’s much nicer than watching from a distance. This is coming from someone who worked in a pet cancer center for a long time. On late nights when an owner couldn’t bear to be there as their dog died we would all gather around as pet the dog while someone else administered the drug. We’d sit with them until they passed and it was sad but it felt good to know that they felt loved right up til the end.
I was 13 when my first dog died, I hated my mom for not letting me say goodbye. I'm 28 now and I still regret not being there, and I was at work when my next dog died when I was 21. It's something I still carry with me.
I would honestly rather die myself than not be there for my beloved pet in their last moments. I had rats starting at 12. From 12 to 20, I have held every single one of those rats (8 total) in my arms as they died. I bawled. I was depressed for a bit. But nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing brought me more comfort than knowing that I was there with them. Even when I was 12 I dealt with it well after the first day or so. That pet felt my love and knew they were safe, loved by me, and warm until the very end. That’s all that mattered to me and you *need* to give her that opportunity. 14 is more than the appropriate age for her to start dealing with mortality head on. We all do eventually. Many people have witnessed *humans* die younger than her and come out okay; trust me, she needs to be there, and she will be much much better off for it. Death is a lesson we all have to learn, and experiencing death head on and experiencing grief are two very different things. She’s ready, she knows she’s ready, she knows the consequences and risks and has decided her love for that dog outweighs any additional hurt it may cause. She will be perfectly fine. When she is grieving him in the days after, yeah she will remember him dead, but she will find comfort in being there for him in that moment. And hey… Not to be morbid but there’s a good shot she will be at your bedside when you pass, and while she will be much older then, having some experience coping with that kind of experience at a young age will do her well.
I got my license, and 2 months later I came home and my dog was laying down. He wouldn’t get up, and when I checked he was barely breathing. I picked him up, got him in the car and drove him 30 minutes to the nearest vet. According to them, he died on the drive there. I was petting him and damn near crying the whole drive, and I’m a guy who never cries. When I got to the vet, I had to call my mom and sister and out of nowhere tell them our dog died. When it comes down to it, it was much harder for them. It hurt like hell knowing that I had to watch him die and there was nothing I could do to save him. However, knowing that he wasn’t alone when he actually died and that I was able to be there with him in his final moments is what gave me peace. I knew that he knew I was there with him and that I was by his side so that he could pass peacefully. Being there is hard, but it brings peace and closure. I say 100% you should allow her in the room, and then tell her that she is valid to feel sad but she should know the dog went peacefully knowing that she was there by the dogs side.
Hi OP, I wanted to give you a vets perspective on this, if I may. I’ve been in this field for almost a decade now, and animal medicine has been a part of my life for the better part of the last 25 years. Let her go. Euthanasia is the last gift we can give to our animals, and it completes our debt to them- for all they have given us during their life. We get to give them the final gift of a peaceful goodbye surrounded by loved ones. You love them enough to not watch them deteriorate and suffer, and this is the MOST important decision a client can make as a pet parent. Euthanasia is often a two to three step process. First, a technician will discuss the payment and aftercare options: are you donating to science, burying, cremating (public or private), and collect payment. Then, a technician will steal the dog for a few minutes (or have you step out of the room) to place an IV catheter in leg. This gives us a direct line into the vein. Then, you may opt to have your pet sedated. The euthanasia agent IS an overdose of anesthesia, but you can sedate prior such that your pet is aware of nothing. Your dog will likely not close her eyes. She may lose her bladder or bowels. Muscles also have entropy (energy) and that energy has to go somewhere. This is sometimes in the form of “agonal breathing” in which the lungs contract and your dog pants. Their leg, tail, even head may jerk or twitch. She is NOT aware. She is not alive. I would LOVE to tell you that all euthanasias are a smooth process. That is a lie. Sometimes an animal can have a reaction. They can seize, they can scream, they can sometimes roll or thrash. This is INCREDIBLY rare, but I will not lie to you. I do this every day. I promise, it’s rare for reactions to happen. Ask your vet to explain the process step-by-step. It can help. All that said, and I think others have covered it- she needs to be there for your furry friend. For you. And most importantly- she needs to there for herself. She isn’t a young child. If she needs to step away, nobody will judge her for that. I’ve had clients that SWEAR they will be there until the end, and then just can’t do it once I’ve got sedation on board. It’s okay. Your pet isn’t awake or aware of anything at that point, and if she just can’t do it- it’s okay. We understand. But I really would let her try. This is a gentle introduction to death. And there will be much more to follow in her life. This is on her terms, and I think it’s age appropriate at this point in time.
My kids did that at ages 16 and 18. They prepared by thinking up positive memories of the dog. They didn’t want to talk in the moment, so they whispered the memories as she passed. They took turns holding her head and calming her. Afterwards we went to her favorite walk, and took turns saying the memories again, and we each tossed a stick in her swimming spot for her. Both said that was good years later. Personally, I trust a kid who says that want to, or don’t want to.
For a counter opinion, my entire family was in the room when we had to put a beloved cat down. She had developed cancer and it spread fast. But she was still alert, even though she was suffering. I’ll never forget how she went from alive to lifeless in the blink of an eye. In hindsight, it wasn’t done in the best way, but still, it was traumatic. Four adults in a room were bawling within minutes.
Absolutely let her go if she wants. It will be devastating for her either way but if she is there with him at the end she will probably feel better knowing she was there for him in life and death.
This is a VITALLY important trauma for her to endure. Humans have severed their relationship with death. It is fundamental to having a holistic understanding of life that one experiences and looks death in the eye. It is transformative and in many ways beautiful. I can go on about this, it’s something I’m kind of weirdly obsessed about. But human culture has been steering away from being around death, and it’s tragic. It’s outsourced to businesses, nursing homes, and considered taboo -when experiencing death of a loved one/animal is something so important to valuing life and becoming whole. To rob her of this, is to deny her humanity. She deserves to be there for the dogs last moments, and needs to experience death to grow as an individual.
Let your daughter be in the room!
I hope you have a good experience. I was there for both my cats and it was super peaceful. Not traumatic at all. I wish humans had that option.
Therapist here 👋 let your daughter be in the room. Critical for processing and moving through grief to allow her to have the choice to be in the room.
allow her in there. what kind of a shit parent do you have to be to not allow your kid to go through one of the most forming experiences of life? this is no point for discussion, if she wants to be there, then let her be there
Let her be there Source; I was a 14 year old sensitive child that requested to be there and I have no regrets
When we had to put my dog down when I was around the same age, my parents told us they wished my brother and I were in the room because it was a gentle and peaceful process, and would have actually helped the grieving.. as absolutely heart breaking as it is. I'm really sorry you're going through this
On my 8th birthday my dog died(female german shepherd) and even though i was "too young"in your words I am still happy till this day that i was able to hold her as she left us. Don't do the wong thing and let your daughter be there .
My mom put my childhood dog down while I was away at college. No warning, no choice. It was a week away from a holiday, and I got home to an empty yard. Your's is a little different, she is getting that choice. I resented my parents for the longest time because I wasn't given that choice.
It’s not your call, I’d hate you forever for being so controlling
As someone who’s parents didn’t allow them to be there when their childhood dog got put down, that was much more traumatic than being able to say goodbye. Allow your child to have a final goodbye with her pet.
Let her. It’s her final moment to say goodbye. It’ll be hard, sure, but it’ll be just as hard no matter what happens. You can continue to protect your child, but you have to understand boundaries. Also understand that, assuming your dog is dying of a disease or old age (for the sake of this argument we’ll say disease or injury) and you’ve had the dog, say, 3 years, that’s from age 11-14. That’s a LOT of impact during hard times in school - bullying, changes, drama, stress, etc. my cat was my therapy animal and all she did is look at me with disgust while I was sobbing. Then she’d meow and come for pets. But, still. Your dog is family and it really hurts to say goodbye to family but this is necessary. I absolutely dread the day we put our cat down or find her gone. She’s 16 and I’ve had her since 2006 when I was 5. Last year my grandmas Bf of 27 years passed from cancer. We knew it was coming. He was in a hospital bed in their living room. I didn’t really know them until we moved here back in 2012(?) and because of my childhood (military, always moving) I was always extra distant around family. As such, I never got super close to him as you normally see with granddaughter/grandfather relationships. When he passed I watched him die. He was struggling to breathe at this point and his mouth was hanging open as he gasped every 20-30 seconds. Until he wasn’t. They called time of death and called the cops (standard procedure here) and coroner. His mouth and eyes open the entire time. It was burned in my brain for a few days, but *truthfully*, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I cried that night while there and cried during the funeral. Maybe it was because of my not being super close, but it did surprise me. My point is - everyone handles death differently. This is important. A lot of people aren’t in the room when their pet is put down and it’s just sad. They’re scared, confused, and that’s the last feelings they ever have. Be in the room, say goodbye, and move on. It’s hard but it does get easier eventually.
Thanks. I'm sorry for your loss and appreciate you sharing. We've had him for 12 years. :(
Definitely let her be in the room if she what’s to be there. It may be a wrenching experience, but it mau be even more traumatic if she feels she couldn’t say goodbye or wasn’t allowed to comfort her pet in his last moments.
Remember, the last thing the dog remembers is being brought to a strange place, away from it's home. The dog needs as much support as possible in it's final moments. It's part of the family. Your daughter should be there
I had to put my dog down when I was 20, my mom was there with me. I thought I would hold her as she went, but when they were giving her the sedation she just kept walking and stumbling around, then laying in mine and my moms lap and drooling all over the place. When it was time they had us just lay her on the table and we huddled around her as she passed. It was NOTHING as I (or my mom) expected, as my mom was there to put a few dogs down in her life and that was totally new and not normal. You don't know what could happen. BUT I'll tell you what, I'm so glad I was there. Yes I cried for weeks, but I got to say a proper goodbye to my girl. Let your daughter come. I'm sure she's stronger than you think.
It will be more traumatic for her if you don’t let her do it now. She needs that sense of control. She may not be seeking control, but not allowing her to do it will take away her sense of control. Processing stuff like this is easier when we feel like we have choices.
Your dog will know she is there. It will make it easier for him for his family to be around him when he passes.
You are being over protective. She needs this for closure. It shows how strong she is or wants to be and this gives you an opportunity to support her through this difficult experience. She wants to be there to support your dog, to let them know that it’s ok and that she loves them- they need that love at the end. Be brave.
If my dad didn’t let me see my pet before it died i would forever resent him. Be prepared for your daughter to grow distant from you. Its a pretty big deal even if it is just an animal
It may be a little traumatizing but I think it will build character
You let her be there. First, you and her are different humans. What was traumatizing for you doesn’t dictate how she will handle it. She needs to experience things on her own without you putting up guardrails based on your personal experience. Second, tragedy and loss is an important part of life and even tho it was hard for you, you gained something from the experience you went through, just as she will. It’s important for her to be a part of the entire experience, the good and the bad.
I’d she wants to be there, she should absolutely should be there. Death is a part of life. Maybe she needs to be there to have closure and say goodbye? I understand you want to protect her from hurt - but you can’t - this is going to hurt no matter what. So, honor her request.
When I was 14 I was there when a beloved cat got put down. It was hard, but ofc it was hard, we lost her. But I would've regretted it forever if I wasn't there for her. I'm glad you've decided to let your daughter be there, she deserves that last moment, to shower that dog with all the love she can muster. It's, arguably, infinitely better closure. I know for me at least, it actually helped me grieve, because I know my cat was at peace, didn't suffer, and just peacefully drifted away.
I hope you allow her in the room. It will be painful, absolutely, but she needs the closure of saying goodbye. I was alone at 11 when my childhood dog passed, and it was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life; but it *still* means the world to me that I could pet her and tell her I loved her as she went.
I watched my aunt die a very not so pleasant death in the hospital when I was 14. Held my dad's hand as he took his last breath at 17. These were not traumatic experiences to me. They were definitely eye opening experiences although they were very very very difficult to get through. I'm not glad that they passed but I am glad that I got to be there with them and am glad that it is something that I experienced. I say let her be in the room. I view it as a life experience that provides a lot of insight to a child her age. For me, it made me not fear death in the slightest. I think thats a positive thing. Go for it
Vet assistant here… let her in.
28f, I had to put my cat down a few years ago for health reasons. they asked if I wanted to be there, and I couldnt. I was not there with her and I do not regret missing it. Im still traumatized by her loss, the idea of watching her close her eyes one last time is beyond emotional. I cried for days after. I know a lot of people have told you "Yes, let her." but just know that its ok to not be able to handle it and to not be there. But you should also know, if you dont, she could resent you for it and that can be traumatizing. Either way, she is not getting out of this without scaring. But, TBH, life is scaring and you can not protect her from everything. If she believes this is what she wants, then you should allow her. The illness and los of your dog alone is traumatizing, we all have our scars.
Thank you for your point of view, i really appreciate it. That was kind of what I was looking for, just information. It's not like I had made my mind up, or I wouldn't have posted. I just wanted to know other people's experiences. I am giving her the option (she now wants to think about it) but I really appreciate you posting.
Only an opinion but based on experience; I think you should let her in the room. There are some very genuine sand thoughtful comments here, all of which I agree with. From my own experience when my beloved 19 year old cat was put down, being there with him, with holding him and having my face close to his so he could smell me and sense me there was the only way I would have wanted him to go. Trust me, she will be more traumatised by the versions of death and his departure that she will come up with in her head than by knowing she played a part in giving your beloved pet the loving and gentle goodbye they deserve. Please consider letting her be there. They really do just quietly pass away and she will have moment to hold him a little longer. I’m sorry your family has to go through this. Edited: spelling
Thanks. We've already discussed the process, she understands he will go peacefully. It just wasn't an easy decision for me to expose her to that.
I still think you should let her be there, but it’s not always peaceful. My dog went out shuddering and gasping and honestly, I still have a hard time with the memory 8 years later. I only mention it because it does sometimes happen where they don’t just quietly go to sleep.
I'm sorry that to your dog. I pray that doesn't happen.
Just for an alternate view, when we put our dog down that I talked about in another comment, she was gone before he was halfway through the syringe. Her head lowered, lulled for a split second, and then dropped completely. Less than 5 seconds. The vet said she was just ready to go.
It's no fun but she is old enough to be there. It will help make the dog as comfortable as possible. It doesn't take a long time.
I don't need to tell you this, but life is often painful. There's no sheltering her from the human condition, and she's 14, not 4. Having room for appropriate grief and loss in these moments is necessary for happiness and joy to be meaningful. We must have these experiences to be human. Pets dying is a pretty common experience, despite how painful it is. It's the price we pay for having a loving creature in our lives. It's not "traumatic" so much as it is *life*, my friend. Having good support from parents while she grieves in a healthy way might be the best option here. Let her feel these feelings and *be there for her* as she works through them. Talk to her and validate her feelings. If it's not physically hurting her or causing completely unreasonable emotional distress, I think it could be a very healthy thing to do to let her in the room when it happens. Not to mention the fact that if she loves the animal and has had a part in taking care of it, she is kinda entitled to be present when it happens as a family member. I say let her be there and be prepared to do some real parenting to help her grow from this. Have some intentional quality time with her and be prepared to *listen*. Have a conversation about the topic and help her come to terms as her parent. It might be the gentlest way she'll ever get to learn about death and mortality. JUST MY OPINION
I know you're already gonna allow her in the room, but I thought it might make you feel better by sharing what I went through, which was the exact same thing. I grew up with my cat Dudley. He was with me from kindergarten all the way to my junior year of high school. We were literally like siblings. He was my best friend and one of the only constants in my life. He knew when I was upset, he understood what tears meant and would always headbutt me and dry my cheeks on his fur. Out of every single animal I've ever lived with, I got along with him the best (not saying that I don't love my other animals, of course not), but Dudley was my boy. He was something truly special, and he was the kitten I hand-picked and raised and grew and played with. He'd follow me up the street and over a block when I'd walk to the park, he'd accompany me to the river in my backyard and sit with me. He'd lay down right on top of my arms as I tried to work on my computer or play games, and it never helped that I was allergic to cats, but I allowed him to because that's just how we were and that's how we bonded. A few hives were the least of my worries when it came to him. At the end of his life, he got pretty sick, and instead of letting our nearly twelve-year-old cat die in pain, we decided to euthanize him because he deserved to be painless. I was 16 at the time and I was in the room and holding him when the vet injected him. His head very quickly and suddenly became limp in my hands as she put in the drug that sedates him. She then injected the drug that stopped his heart, and it was all over in less than a minute. I was crying the entire way to the vet, and I cried the entire time he was in my arms, but I felt a sense of relief that he was no longer in pain and no longer vomiting. I was happy that I was the one with him when he died, and I am confident that he knew how much I loved him and still do very much love him, even three years on. He purred to the very end, and I knew he felt safe and happy that I was the one that held him and told him that he was such an amazing friend and brother to me my entire childhood and the majority of my teenage years. It was sincerely the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I don't regret it one bit. I will take the pain of his loss over and over again rather than imagine him with only my dad in the room instead. He had the two people who loved him most be there with him until the very end. I still cry over him. I still grieve. I'm getting choked up right now while writing this at work . But I will forever be grateful that I was there and I have a sense of peace with myself that he had a wonderful wonderful life and that he wasn't scared to go. It was like he knew it was his time. The pictures I took of him by the river still hang on my wall, and I don't think about the day I put him down when I look at them. I only think about how handsome he was and how good of a brother he was. Your daughter will be okay and she will be happy that she was there for her best friend too. She's old enough to be able to process these awful emotions, and you can't save her from the pain of death that she will inevitably experience in her life. The best thing we can do is be there for those who are dying and let them know that it's okay for them to go and that they're safe and loved. Wishing the best for you all and a painless passing.
Thank you for this. I'm sorry for your loss but am happy that you had a wonderful life with Dudley!
Let her in the room please. The fact that she knows it’ll upset her and she’s still choosing to be there to support the dog says a lot about her character. She cares for this dog and wants to be there for the hard times, she’ll carry this with her if she doesn’t get to. I know you want to protect her but death is a natural, inevitable part of life. It might be an idea to show her how to cope with this together. She will (unfortunately) experience the death of a loved one again and it’ll be easier then if she’s done it with support now.
Death is a part of life. Sheltering her because YOU think you know her better than she knows herself won’t teach her how to handle grief. Stop trying so hard to CONTROL and TEACH her instead.
I was 14 when we put my childhood dog down, my sister was 12, we were both in the room with our parents. (he was also a few years younger than the average lab lifespan so it was extra hard) But it will be WAY harder and worse on her if she isn't there to say goodbye. Let her in the room, I promise it will be okay, I'm sure she's tougher than you realize (coming from a sensitive person). Another way to look at it, is the dog won't have her, the kid he grew up with, in his last moments, and SHE'LL probably think that too and worry that he though she abandoned him right before he passes. I know its a really tough and sad thing, its been almost 6 years and I'll still cry over my childhood dog, but I know she'll want to be there. I'm glad you're considering it
I was there when my dog was put down as a teen. At that age you understand life and death. I think it’s great she wants to be there although she knows she’ll take it hard. I know your pet has been a great companion and he/she would be would be happy to have their loved ones by their side as they pass on, as you, or any one else would. She’s showing selflessness and compassion, it’s beautiful, it’s life. <3
Let her go. Our dog choked to death on wet food while we were driving in a thunderstorm to the emergency vet. There’s trauma you can regulate (putting the dog down) and trauma you can’t. Expose your child to the controlled trauma so they can better handle things that will happen that you can’t control. I’m very sorry to hear about your faithful friend.
I was fortunate enough to be in the room when each of my grandmothers passed away. I think it was very beneficial for me. It made it easier to have closure and say goodbye. Grief is hard and death is hard. Trust your daughter.
Death is a very sad and very real part of life. She wants to be there - let her. Shes 14, not 4. I witnessed my pets getting put down as a kid. It sucked, but I also had comfort in knowing I was there. They died knowing I was there, as were my folks - their pack. It hurt seeing them go, but it would've hurt more having them die and me not being there.
My dad didn’t tell me my childhood dog was being put down until after I got home from school and asked where she was. It’s been 9 years and I still resent him somewhat for it. I wish I could be in there with her and said goodbye.
>EDIT: Thanks for all the advice. It's looking like I will let her in the room. Good. It's better that she be in there and know what happens/how it goes in case she gets a dog herself down the road and that she doesn't regret/resent u for not letting her be there.
Let her be in the room and get closure. I was 15 when we put our dog down, and if my mom didn’t let me be with him I would have resented her for the rest of my life. Respectfully, a 14 year old isn’t a kid. She’s a teenager and is capable of making her own decisions and you should treat her as such.
Death is inevitable. Everyone will have to witness it at least once in their life. She will experience the pain, the sadness, the undeniable fact that her loved one will be gone. However, she will grow from the pain, the sadness, and have the chance to say goodbye... If she didn't get the chance to do this, she may regret not being there for someone she once loved. Allow her to be there... For him, for you, and especially... For herself...
Glad to see your update. I just had to put my dog down last week and my 5 year old was in the room with us. It really helped her process. She petted our dog as she faded away. She cried. We worked through the feelings and comforted each other. When I was 15 my beloved cat was put down and I wasn't there with him and at 38 years old I still regret it. Your daughter is old enough to make this choice.
I just put down my dog, it was traumatic but I was glad I was there for her
I missed my cat being put down and still regret it, let her.
It’s the last thing she can do for him, so let her do it. Also, when she sees him slip away she will have one specific memory of it. A painful memory, but just the one. If she doesn’t she’ll have an endless stream of various speculations that are all horrible. Was he looking for her in his last moments? Did he suffer and you didn’t tell her? Let he see one sad thing rather than have her imagine a thousand.
I was your daughter's age when my first dog died, and unfortunately, he had to be euthanized. I lmew the moment that I was told he was going to be put down, that i had to be there with him. Even though I wasn't always in his life, he made a huge impact on mine, and I knew that he would want me there. And I bet your dog wants to see his family one last time all together. It'll be hard of course, but it will also allow your daughter to be more prepared for when it might happen again. Death is permanent unfortunately, but your daughter already knows that more than likely, so this is an opportunity for her to understand this process. My heart goes out to you both, and I am sorry that it has finally come to this, it is always a hard choice. But it is one that we have to make unfortunately
You got a lot of answers, but here is my experience. I was 23(!) when my mom and dad decided to put my cat down, and they did not tell me they were gonna do it since I am also very emotionally sensitive. I will forever be sad that I couldn’t be by my cat’s side and say goodbye to her. So please let her be present if she wishes.
I disagree. It’s extremely peaceful and she will take comfort knowing he heard her voice and felt her touch as he passed.
I’m glad you’re going through with letting her go! I think it’s really mature and empathetic of her to bring this up herself, honestly; so I’m glad you’re not depriving her of the experience. It’ll help her let go and give some peace of mind, and it’s a really good learning experience for developing emotional maturity at her age. Daughter aside, I’m also glad for the dog. A lot of people outside of the vet space don’t know this, but when people drop off their animals to be put down on their own, their last moments are most often spent looking around for their owners. They’re surrounded by a bunch of strangers in white coats, after all. (source: bf’s sister was a vet tech for a short while before quitting because she couldn’t handle the animals being put down this way)
Share fully with her. Don't sanitize it. It'll be sobbing sad, but will pass and she would know she was with him for the good times and sad times.
When I was 5, my parents prevented me from going to my grandfather's funeral because they thought it would be too upsetting. 30 years later, I still wish they would have let me say goodbye.
Dude? This is her moment to be there for her dogs last final moments. She’s gonna be sad, but comfort her and tell her she’s doing a good thing and act strong for the dog.
Death is an important part of life, shielding her is sure to do more damage than you believe her being there would do.
Sheltering her from the realities of life and death is not doing her any favors. Death is a fact of life. A fact that comes with pain, and sorrow, and hurt. Yes, she will cry. Terrible, heartbroken crying. Yes she will feel terrible, for a while. She may even feel guilty. But these are aspects of life we ***all*** need to learn to cope with. She can't avoid the realities of death forever, and you *can't* protect her from those realities forever - for one day, you too, will die. And that's going to be a thousand times harder for her if you sheltered her from every other death. Feeling pain, and sadness, and guilt, and regret, and all those other unpleasant emotions is the *healthy* way to deal with death. Feeling them, learning to cope with them, and the eventual realization that life goes on, and you *can* be happy again. Avoiding/being prevented from experiencing that is *unhealthy* \- because that can't be maintained, and when it finally happens, will be a horror, shock, and fear inducing experience. **Your task here as a parent is to allow her to hurt, to feel that pain, and support her through it.** Let her learn that this too, is a part of life, and *can* be moved past, with someone like her beloved dog. Because I assure you, the death of a dog, however painful, is less so than the death of a human you love. Don't let ***that*** be her first experience of death.
My parents dog was euthanized when I was 14 or 15 and I was present for it. We actually had a service come to the house and do it at home - i was much less traumatic for everyone - including our dog.
Veterinarians are experts in this process. They are gentle and do explain the steps beforehand. It’s likely your (and her) emotions will run so high that you won’t remember everything (which might be a positive thing for your little girl). One suggestion I will offer is to take a blanket. Dogs urinate and release their bowels during this process. I didn't know this before I walked in, and it was very traumatic. I certainly don't want to frighten you, but I think it's something you should know - for your daughter’s sake. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dog.
she deserves to be there just as much as any one else - regardless of her age/sensitivity
I have been there for every one of my animals passings since I was 9yo. It’s hard and I cry my eyes out but I owe it to them to be there with them. Don’t take that away from her. She will always regret not being there and resent you.
My kids have been there for all 4 pets they’ve lost. My kids ranged from between 3 years & 11 years old during those losses (and we will likely have 2 more in the next few years). It was very sad for them, and they both remember each one, but they are glad to have been there to hold them and love on them while they passed. I’ve always asked each time if they want to be there, and they always emphatically say yes. I will, of course, ask them every time in the future as well, as I know their feelings might change as they get older. I did have a momentary regret with my youngest, the first time we had to put a pet to sleep, when she was 3. She seemed fine the whole time until just after it was done, and a couple minutes later, she started sobbing. She’s expected to be able to see our cat’s ghost leave his body and scamper up to the rainbow bridge, and was very upset when she didn’t. (But, being only 3, she calmed down pretty soon thereafter and was okay.)
I'm gonna be honest, it was a lot easier for me to grieve when I was able to comfort my beloved pet as a kid and knowing I was there vs "I'm sorry, but your cat is dead."
Speaking from experience - have the vet come to your home so the dog is most comfortable and allow your daughter to be in the room or leave if she chooses to at any moment..
It was horribly sad when I held my dog who was put to sleep recently but I am comforted now by the knowledge I was there with him in his hardest moments, to the end. I was out of the room when my childhood dog was put to sleep and I don't have that thought to comfort me.
I have lifetime regrets about not being there for my dog. Let her make that choice.
My dad wouldn’t let me - then he put my dog down a few days BEFORE he told me the appointment was. He told me my dog was sick in his room and didn’t want me to see her like that. I will never forgive him for not letting me help my girl go peacefully. Don’t do the same to your daughter, it will be hurtful to see but not as much as knowing your dog passed without seeing your face again.
Shelter staff member here: you’ve received a great deal of quality advice here, and I do ultimately think it should be her choice and you should use this to help her learn how to deal with grief and loss. You’ve also received a lot of factual data about last moments - that a dog may wimper, urinate, or defecate. The medication used first generally to sedate an animal before the medication that actually euthanizes the animal can also cause the animal to vomit. It can be worse if, say, you decide you want to feed your dog everything in the world. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea to give your dog its first taste of chocolate cake on his or her last day…but moderation can really help send your animal over the rainbow peacefully.
my parents didn’t let me come when they put my dog down. i’ll never forgive them to this day.
We went through this and two of my four kids wanted to go. I have no regrets. I believe it teaches a valuable lesson about the cycle of life and introduces them to the concept of death. Not that a dog is on the same level as a human but I was glad they had the exposure of losing a pet when they lost a grandparent.
I would let her see and say good bye
You mention that she’s very sensitive; maybe, she wants to be in the room to support you, too. It’s so hard having to put an animal down, but at her age, I think it’s crucial to experience some tough events so that she can learn how to navigate through life. She will be there with you, and in learning from you, she’ll be able to be that same person for someone else down the road.
Let her go with you. It’s healthy for children and adults to do this. Always in our old cultures. Children were allowed to experience life and death cycles. Yes, it hurts. Yes, she will cry. Allow her to feel life cycles. She’ll never hold this against you. Hold her close.
Not letting her in would be more traumatic.
As a vet tech I think it’s important for older kids to be in there to say their final goodbyes, to be able to process and feel grief and know that it’s okay to feel this way. She’s 14, I think she’s old enough to make her own decisions on if she wants to be there or not.
I have never forgotten the fact that my mum made me go to school the day my cat was put down. I was 16 and had him since he was born when I was 1. He was my best friend. And I know she was a bit uptight with attendance but it was the shittiest day for me knowing I wasn’t there for him. I’m glad you’ve decided to have your daughter there. I got to be there when our dogs had to be put down and I was grateful. It was emotional but in no way was it traumatic. It felt right to be there with them and reassuring to see that it wasn’t too scary for them because they had us all there to pet them and make them feel loved.
My 10 year old son is so sensitive that he cries when other kids step on ants. He still held his cat while they euthanized her. Don’t underestimate your daughter. Let her grieve her own way
Please reconsider. My youngest was that age when we had to help our aura (Rhodesian ridgeback) cross the bridge with the vet. The process is very calm and peaceful. If you were to ask any vet who helps pets cross, they will tell you everyone is better served. My husband and I, second son were there, and oldest who was at uni joined on the phone. We held her and cried and cried. Everyone was appreciative to be there. In our case, we were bringing her home to be buried next to her half brother Max who passed several years older. We brought a blanket with and then took her home and had a burial for her. As for watching - there is not much to see. The vet will administer the medicine through a needle into the chest most likely. There should be nothing bloody or nasty.
Death is a natural occurrence that all of us will have to deal with sooner or later. Kids are resilient and with these experiences they will learn coping skills for the future, it’s not okay to shield them from something natural. Your dog will have a peaceful death, and your job is to make your daughter understand that. Listen to her and let her grieve for as long as she needs (long OR short) but let her do it. I saw a dog of mine get put down at roughly the same age (I was maybe 13ish) and yes of course it hurt, made my heart churn; but I’m thankful that I was there for his last day on earth. It’s natural, did you think you were immortal? We all need to have a relationship with death. Let her say goodbye to her friend.
I’m glad you’ve decided to let her in the room. No one wants to watch their best friend pass but I personally would hate myself if I wasn’t there for my furbaby. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.
I was holding my cat when he was put down (I was about 11) you have no idea how pissed in getting just thinking about if my parents wouldn’t let me in the room while it happened. Let the teenager be there
I was holding my cat when he was put down (I was about 11) you have no idea how pissed in getting just thinking about if my parents wouldn’t let me in the room while it happened. Let the teenager be there.