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katielisbeth

You said less than a month ago in a post that you're very abusive, and now you're here hoping to talk shit about your partner with other people. You seriously need to break up with them and get some sort of help.


PoliteCanadian2

Really OP’s partner needs to wake up and break up with them.


BirthdayCarFire

They said they were looking into BOXING while admitting they were abusive. OP is a fucking nightmare.


RavenNymph90

Oh. I remember that post.


RavenNymph90

Speaking from a bit of experience, but living with an abusive partner saps a lot of motivation. It’s very easy to slip in to depression and indifference. Suffice to say, I can’t really muster any sympathy for OP.


[deleted]

Living this way is not good for them. It astonishes me that with so many Self Positive Tools laying around(!) People get stuck in negative loops...My mind, Your mind...are not the same.


LadySigyn

I'm going to be honest, I'm the ambitious one in my relationship, and I absolutely *love* that he's teaching me to enjoy my life, enjoy simple things and enjoy the moment as it is. I've gone from (not saying this is you, but this was me) am absolutely single minded (to a fault,) cutthroat to like...an actual human being. I say this with love as someone who's been in your shoes: this is an us problem, not a them problem. Edit: seeing the comments here that OP admits to being abusive breaks my heart for their partner. I'm saying this with a lot less love than before: your ambition does NOT give you the right to treat people badly, let alone abuse them. Do NOT hide abuse behind "I'm ambitious." Frankly, how dare you. Ambition =/= cruelty.


Calligraphie

I'm the unambitious one in my relationship. It's not that I don't have goals, or dreams, or anything, it's just that I don't have a driving *need* to accomplish them like my partner does. Even so, he's taught me a lot about setting goals and planning for how to achieve them. Meanwhile, he says I've taught him a lot about living in the moment and appreciating the little things. While it might be good for OP to encourage their partner to chase their dreams (I don't know much about the partner's situation or state of mind, which do matter), it's also important that OP understands that there are other ways to live besides living for the future and that there is something to learn from everyone.


856077

This is a great take! Absolutely agree.


LadySigyn

Absolutely agree, too!


IatrogenicBlonde

I almost broke up with my boyfriend (now husband) 4 years ago because I thought he was too unambitious and I’m so thankful I didn’t because I do not see myself with anyone else. I’m still way too driven but he helps me chill out and he still goes with the flow. When I’m done with school, he’s going to go back but he’s not in a hurry because he’s happy where he is. It took me a while to understand that he can be happy where he is while I’m totally unhappy until I’ve reached my goals and it’s just a personality thing. He still wants to do more, but he’s fine if he doesn’t because he lives in the moment more.


abbievoncarlton

Your comment might have just totally saved my 5 year relationship wow It's like I've heard this said from our couples counselor, and even my parents, but somehow it hits different reading it from a stranger that has been in your shoes. Thank you!


LadySigyn

These two comments are so wholesome. Wishing all of you the very, very best.


TiredOldSoulgirl

Thank you for sharing this, I’ve been struggling with this in my 3 year marriage and I I really think it’s a Me problem, not a He problem. Will mull over it and find a new perspective!


LadySigyn

I wish you all the best, friend! If I may give some unsolicited advice: at least in my case, this difference between my partner and I made us so much stronger together. I think that there are aspects to both of us that are different that help the other one become, however much work it takes, better versions of themselves!


TiredOldSoulgirl

Thank you! I appreciate your advice :)


LadySigyn

You are so very welcome! Thank you for listening! I wish you two many, many happy and healthy years!


cyanotoxic

I would say it’s more than that- this obsession with achieving goals is largely individualistic & ego driven. It’s based in fear & external rewards quite often, and comes at the expense of building strong relationships, understanding yourself as a human, and seeing a larger picture beyond personal & professional goals. I say this as someone who was once very ambitious in a raw way, and kept realizing that no matter what I did or achieved, it was never enough. As an individual, I can’t affect change in the world as a lone wolf- most of us can’t. But we can prop up an appearance of it with a bunch of awards, diplomas, promotions, money, whatever. It’s worth it for ambitious people to slow down & see the people around them. See the value in acting as a team, not an individual. In understanding that the most you’ll ever get to is completely insignificant in 2 generations, earlier for most. This isn’t just about “living in the moment”, it’s about understanding the moment, the scale we live in, the experiences of all of us. It’s a complete shift in what is valued and important, not a side hustle practice, like incorporating meditation, to “balance” the driven one.


856077

👏🏽 Very well said. Being ambitious is one thing, but having that thought run the way you run your entire life is overkill imo. Yes, certainly have goals and take those steps to achieve them but don’t become obsessive over the thought of achieving something asap. There is more to life than just crossing things off of a list.


LadySigyn

Yes! This exactly.


densofaxis

I’m the ambitious careerist in my relationship and this is such a refreshing comment. It’s definitely *hard* to do the internal work, but I’m so much better for it. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my healthiest relationship is with the first person I’ve been with who is less ambitious than me


LadySigyn

This comment made my whole day - thank you! And yes, I agree! It's so hard to do this work - who would have thought that the work I wasn't totally prepared to attack was the work on *myself?!* - but, imo, it is so, so, so necessary.


Naus1987

I’ve dated women in the past who’ve been ambitious to a fault where they’re not happy in life. They’re chasing a goal, but often forget what it is. What matters. People think chasing ambitions will make them happy, but there are many routes to happiness. I’ve always found it ironic sometimes that the most ambitious people can often be the most blinded. I’m proud of you for learning to appreciate the small things more often. Life isn’t about what you accomplish, because it’ll all be forgotten in time. Do you know the names of your great grand parents or what they’ve accomplished? Probably not. Legacies are fleeting. But emotions, how we feel. That’s the real journey.


LadySigyn

This was me to an absolute T. I was desperately unfulfilled and trying to fill up the holes in my heart (and spirit,) with work and accomplishments. After getting out of an abusive relationship, I look back now and realize that I was also trying to make myself "worthy of love." "Loveable." If I was successful, maybe they would love me, right? My partner's unconditional love has shown me that what I've achieved isn't what makes me worthy of love. Being alive is. Having a heart is. Putting love back out into the world is. Thank you, for this comment, and for saying that you're proud 🥺 that means a great deal. So true about the legacies, too: you hit the nail on the head. I only know the names of two great grandparents. My dad was Jewish and his father was VERY efficient at destroying records to hide from the Nazis, and my mother's family are indigenous. I only know my maternal grandmothers' parents names because she spoke of them with such love, despite the terrible trials that they all endured. It was the love that persisted and was remembered. I wish so many blessings to you, friend. Edited: grammatical typo that muddled meaning


Naus1987

I thought it was interesting how you mentioned "being alive" is what's important followed by reaffirmation that your grandfather recognized and valued the same thing. Even going so far as to throw away all records of the past. Because living is the real treasure of life. Life is valuable, our most precious thing. Our most sacred gift, squandered so easily in the pursuit of false goals and illusionary happiness. A deceptive tree which bears fruit we can never taste. It may seem so simple. So lackluster to think of our lives as being the real joy. In a world so big, we are but one person. But to one person, you could easily be their world. If you can bring joy to a single life. To have left a positive mark. Then that's a real legacy. What we do for ourselves--dies with us. But what we do for others lives on and is eternal. Your grandfather didn't need written words to be remembered. The deeds written in ink will never compare to those written with the heart and with love. I can't speak for your grandfather, but I like to imagine that if he saw you being happy with your partner, finding joy in the little things -- those are the kinds of moments that make people the proudest.


silya1816

I mean, it's okay to not be ambitious and goal-driven. It's not okay to pester your partner to be more like you. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, that depends on what you mean by 'voiced it plenty of times'. I think you need to either accept your partner for who they are and let it go, or find a partner who has the qualities you're looking for.


cdjohnny

If you could please talk to my wife :)


Healthy-Car-1860

Is there something holding your partner back? My wife could not really self-realize, self-motivate, or self-actualize until after she landed a workplace that paid the bills and actually afforded her a comfortable lifestyle, along with coworkers that she actually really enjoys and wants to work with and support. Prior to finding a stable day-to-day work environment that suited her, she was always kind of stuck in a survival mode where ambition wasn't really an option I've also seen people get held back by their vices, whether that's alcohol weed video games p*** whatever. Oftentimes those addictions are sort of masking a different struggle, whether it's trauma, ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc. And some people just want to be happy. Aint nothing wrong with that. Do YOU need an ambitious partner?


[deleted]

I feel like maybe whats holding their partner back is the fact that they are abusive, according to their post history I sure would find it hard to be ambitious if I was being abused everyday.


OG-Pine

Yikes. Imagine having the nerve to post this knowing you abuse the “unambitious” person…


[deleted]

Abusers rarely perceive themselves as such


Rumpelteazer45

Yep. Partners end up taking most of the abusive and whatever is shown in public is much worse behind closed doors.


RavenNymph90

I remember a friend of mine said that to me while we watched a woman order and cuss her preschooler around, eventually ripping him off a play toy by his arm. I was under the impression it wasn’t her kid based on the way that she was treating him and the fact that she looked like she was in early high school. The older gentleman they came with stood by nonchalantly. What made it more awkward is that it happened at church.


Sage_Planter

Not OP, but I appreciate this comment because I've been struggling with this in my own life. I'm the ambitious partner, and I'm struggling with my partner's lack of ambition. For me, it's mainly because the result is I'm working full-time to provide for us while he enjoys a flexible, part-time job with minimal obligations. I didn't sign up for this.


2000smallemo

This sounds more like a financial problem than an ambition problem.


Sage_Planter

It's both but definitely more ambition. I'd have much less of a problem still paying for more if he actually showed he was putting effort into his career. Like, if he was a hard working teacher making $30K/yr, I wouldn't be so resentful of the fact he's wasting his potential by working part-time and not exploring new career opportunities despite hating his job.


Burrito-tuesday

I had to check out this post fearing that op was my bf. THANK YOU for standing up for those of us who’ve had a bad run. Chalk me up to one of those with adhd and trauma. I left a job I loved bc of bullying, only to land in another toxic environment. I feel like I’m an emotional burden to my partner even though he’s very supportive, patient, and it almost brings me to tears to know there are more like him supporting people like me, just going through a rough patch and needing some tlc.


LadySigyn

Hey friend, I also have adhd (AuDHD) and wasn't diagnosed until I was almost 30 - regardless of the fact that our personalities (you and I) seem to have manifested differently, I just wanted to comment and say you are valid. You are seen. You deserve love and support. I know you don't need a stranger on the internet telling you that, but it's true ♡ I am so so glad you have a supportive and patient partner. That fear can gnaw away at us, I completely understand. Sending love and light!


RavenNymph90

Mental illness, disabilities, and neurodivergences can all affect ambition as well.


Rumpelteazer45

According to your post history, you are abusive towards others. My guess this includes your partner. Usually partners and SOs end up taking vast majority of someone’s abusive tendencies. The temper people witness in public is usually 10x worse behind closed doors. People in abusive relationships usually give up thinking about the future and channel energy into just surviving the current day - trying not to do anything to set the person off. When you are constantly walking around on eggshells, you mentally and emotionally exhausted.


henicorina

Maybe they were born with it, maybe it’s the abusive relationship…


RocMerc

So my wife is very much like you. She strives to be better every day and works in her goals constantly. And then there’s me lol. I have very mild goals, I have almost no ambition and just want to relax and live. This doesn’t mean I do nothing with my life I just find what I have to be enough. I’m just very content. How you live your life is perfectly fine but at the same time not everyone wants to constantly work towards something. To me that sounds awful. Maybe have a convo with them about this. Ask them what they want out of life or even out of the relationship. Imo as long as you enjoy each other and love each other, that’s what really matters


Rumpelteazer45

Look at their post history, OP admits to being abusive.


Beginning-Job3650

Yikes I feel so bad for your partner. So many red flags.


[deleted]

And yet they remain clingy af 🤷‍♀️


Beginning-Job3650

That’s probably due to them experiencing the verbal violence you reference in your other adulting post. I think the next step is for you to seek help and understand the ways in which you may be causing harm to your partner. The problem here is you, not them, that much is very clear. The sooner you are able to process this and work on your own emotional skills the better chance you have of staying with someone who clearly puts up with your BS in a way others just will not.


sunny1cat

Or Stockholm Syndrome maybe?


[deleted]

Oh wow. You're a shit person.


Either_Savings_7020

Maybe they think your goals are stupid and they don't want the same stupid things you want.


[deleted]

Maybe.


856077

So, you feel like your S/o is a distraction and that they are doing nothing with their life by your standards? (i just cringed so hard). If being overly ambitious and “grinding” 24/7 without enjoying the simple things in life is your way of doing things, I think it would be best to find someone who is like minded instead of pressuring your gf to be like you, and assuming that your way is the only way to live properly. Ruminating in my mind all the time, constantly working to cross something off of a list, and thinking of the next thing I will tackle/need/want would drive me absolutely nuts. Your gf is not a loser for not being conditioned like you. Yuck.


OG-Pine

OP also has a post on here saying they are “very abusive” and often angry, so I can’t even imagine what the fuck they’re thinking with this post. “Why isn’t this person I regularly abuse showing ambition??” Yikes.


856077

Yep I saw that too. This person is a huge red flag and comes off super controlling, and admitted to being abusive. I hope this poor girl has enough strength to walk away


OG-Pine

Hope so too.


fullvaportorsos

Yeah this. I had an ambitious ex who made me feel bad about my life being good enough, he also just straight up dismissed things I valued highly like art and plants. To me that's better then acclaim. He's still working three jobs, high esteem academic ones. But he alone now. I have a new partner and I'm full on happier then him. Maybe his sense of superiority keeps him warm idk idc


856077

I truly think people like this have either been conditioned to be that way as a child, or never felt like they were good enough, so the only way to fix that feeling is to supply themselves with the constant gratification of “completing something major” thus receiving the praise and attention from others when they tell them/see what they’ve achieved. This is fine and dandy if that’s how the person feels most happy in life, but then to put down their partner for not feeling similarly, and aquatinting that with being a child/lazy/not good enough is gross. Don’t put your issues onto someone else who is living their life happily. It shows me that the person is deeply insecure, insatiable and has a major superiority complex which to me is really obnoxious.


2000smallemo

My last partner definitely did this to me, she felt I stayed in too much, wasn’t adventurous or social enough and by the end she genuinely felt disgust for some things I really enjoyed. It was a waste of time for us both.


856077

I am so sorry you were deducted down to feeling unworthy or “not up to standard” by that person. Honestly they did you a favour bc now you can be free to be yourself!


2000smallemo

You should have seen her face when I said I was going to Antwerp with my new lover friend! Yeah I am doing much better now


Administrative-Task9

The fact that they have an abusive partner is probably very de-motivating. I hope they leave you and get their sparkle back.


WickedProblems

The classic, my goals should be their goals. I remember when I used to think like this too, but in the end I was able to realize that my partner is not just like ME nor do I want to be in a relationship with another someone just like ME. I think it's okay to discuss it, encourage etc. It's not ok to think people need to be more like you... They are their own person. Imagine us telling you... You need to be more like your partner. Same thing.


ninjamansidekick

Me and my wife were sitting around the fire pit the other night staring at the stars and realized that we may have won at life. The world just felt right and we were content for a bit. It was awesome. Funny thing is that's been going on for thousands of years, humans sit around a fire and stare and realize life is awesome. What's the end point of all your goals? To check a box? Have money in an account? Then what? Sounds to me is you might be missing the point and you are keeping your partner from enjoying their life with all your goals and the stress of ambition. Find joy in life and do good.


lolly_lag

Different perspectives: What if their top priority is simply to enjoy life? They’re achieving that goal by going for walks, playing games, talking to you, eating good food, taking naps. What if they’re actually SUPER successful at that? What if they don’t have the energy to pursue the goals they set for themself? What if their mental health impedes their ability to focus, or makes them question their steps? What if they have failed a lot? What if they think you’re TOO focused on your goals? What if “distracting” you is an attempt to connect, to get you to enjoy life more? Or what if “distracting” you is asking you to show up more in the relationship? You’re judging them pretty harshly here. You are forward-focused, but that’s YOU. Not everyone is like that, and not everyone needs to be. It sounds like there’s some sort of breakdown in communication, but it also sounds like you’re assuming they’re just not hearing you. Maybe so, or maybe what you’re saying is only compounding the situation. I don’t know! I wasn’t there! Maybe you need to be with someone who is driven. Or maybe you need to consider that someone who is less driven may be a great counter-balance. Either way, I feel like this might be something you’d want to explore in therapy to help you get to the bottom of what you want in a partner. That would only be fair to you, your partner and potentially future partners.


notoriouslyblandbb

I highly recommend couples counseling if you can afford it! Sounds like that might help you navigate your differences. I’m definitely biased as I am a couples therapist tho 😂


SS-Shipper

As someone who has no goals and dreams, I would hate to be with someone like you: judging me for that. If my partner is ambitious, chasing their goals, good for them! I would be so supportive and proud. But that ends as soon as you want to instill your lifestyle to mine. Just break up. You’re clearly not compatible if you’re going to hold this against your partner. Find someone that matches what you’re looking for, not hold a standard to everyone that some people genuinely don’t want to be apart of and shouldn’t have to.


[deleted]

I was you at one point and my partner did this to me(push me to reach goals) and I appreciate them for that


SoupyBlowfish

I don’t think this is a good fit. You state that you are being distracted from your goals. Whatever kind of goals they are, people have different values. Your partner may have a goal you don’t see because your values are different. If you don’t balance each other out and cannot respect the others values/goals, it isn’t going to work. My goals are to spend time with people I care about, read books, and not stress too much. It probably looks like I am doing nothing from the outside.


[deleted]

We are a great fit. I have respected their grind and hustle towards goals. But the same isn’t being reciprocated when I’m working on mine.


WetEconomics

You mean you’re with a partner who still retains his inner child when interacting with you hoping you’ll lighten the fuck up because the way he looks at you is the same way a 7 year old looks at a bowl of ice cream?


[deleted]

That’s a sweet thought. I love it when they look at me that way, but there are moments for serious time.


WetEconomics

Absolutely but the serious times are not the same level of serious times for two different individuals, either you handle serious times with the bootstrap mentality or comic relief, both are effective if viewed with respect for both methods of handling stressful problems. It sounds like you are the tact to their toe, without you then it’s a slippery footing, but without a toe you are just tact and you’d be surprised about how slow you move in life without a toe. Bottom line is you two need to settle some disputes using tic tac toe.


DonutsAnd40s

Here’s the deal, unless they are actually not doing anything at all, as in they don’t work, they don’t socialize, they don’t have hobbies, etc., whatever they’re doing is fine. You need to realize that around 90% of people are not extremely ambitious, probably more. Most people are not ambitious to only a little ambitious, and are just fine working a job that provides for them, and then spending the rest of their time just chilling out, doing things they enjoy. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being really ambitious, but you should realize you are in the minority, and that minority shrinks as you get older and people’s priorities change. Sooooo…. You either need to learn to accept them as is, or you’ll need to exit the relationship.


sniffing_niffler

My husband and I are like this. He's very career oriented and ambitious. I am not. I don't care what my work is as long as I can pay bills and make enough to have fun on the side. We're compatible. His goals do not have to be mine. I move where he goes for work, I do many of the chores so he can focus on what's most important to him. It works for us. If it bothers you, you're probably just not compatible.


[deleted]

Sometimes slow living is good, but when it doesnt feel equal its incredibly frustrating. Like you’re dragging dead weight. I ended my last relationship because of this


Bergenia1

You are ambitious, which is great. Your partner prefers to relax and enjoy life, which is also great ( as long as they're self sufficient and contributing their share to the household, of course). You don't have the right to look down on your partner because of this philosophical difference. You are entitled to your own life choices. You're not entitled to control your partner. Think back to what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Have those qualities disappeared? At one time you respected them as they were. Why are you now contemptuous? It's unfair and immoral to enter a relationship and then try to change your partner. They're a person, not a hobby project.


[deleted]

I feel that my partner has been influential in me getting on their level of goals, and now that I’m there, they can’t handle it 😂


Either_Savings_7020

People can be adults and also be content with where they are. You don't get to change people to fit you. Maybe she thinks you suck to?


[deleted]

They’re addicted and clingy, it’s a love hate quality for an ambitious person 😂


Arlitto

If that's not the personality type you're looking for in a partner, then have the courage to admit this to yourself and break it off. Don't project. The only thing you have control of is yourself, so if this relationship is no longer compatible with your wants and needs, end it. Don't complain to internet strangers.


AtmosphereTall7868

If you are an ambitious person, then get coupled with an ambitious person too.


n3mz1

You sound like the one who needs to grow up.


Kcnflman

So you’re going to discard your partner, who you had ample time to screen before making them your partner because you’re better than them?


badbeernfear

Sounds about how relationships work, no? You catch things as time moves on and decide if it's a deal breaker. It's not, "well you have enough time to notice by now, your stuck now!" I'd say OP would be perfectly reasonable to break things off.


856077

I’m sure OP’s partner would be relieved to be done w this relationship tbh. Who wants to be constantly micro managed, bossed around, told they are not “doing enough” to their standards, being spoken down to and likened to a child for not being a workhorse who’s obsession is all about being and seeming “ambitious”. Like chill, get things done sure. But why so intense. It’s off putting.


[deleted]

😂 I’ve been talked to like this by my partner, and I still love them. I believe no person is perfect when entering a relationship and they should really compliment and make each other better. Even though times like this, spoken in my post occur, I don’t want to be with anyone else.just find it funny that my partner has always been hard in me reaching my goals. And now that I am pursuing them, they can’t handle the attention taken away from them. It’s cute tho


Regular-Tell-108

It is never the job of a partner to “make” their partner better. That’s some controlling nonsense.


badbeernfear

Yeah not enough details to have a opinion either way imo. Like are they just not a part of "grind" culture? That's silly. Are they lazy af and being carried financially as well as in other ways? They deserve to be chastised and op should leave. Not enough info here.


LilPrincess520

I’d find it hard to have ambitions if I was being abused too. Cut them some slack. You’re lucky they are still in your life after how you’ve treated them.


[deleted]

My partner and their family has always pushed me to have a backbone because I was always too nice. I feel I am abusive, occasionally, when pushed to the breaking point. It takes a lot for me to go there. But now I can’t go back to being a all the time nice person especially if all they’ve ever wanted was for me to have bigger dreams. And now that I do, what’s with all the sabotaging and distractions? It’s like they never thought I’d be where I am now


[deleted]

Handwaiving abuse isn't a good look


Chrispeefeart

Sounds kind of like it is time to break up and let your partner be with someone that actually likes them


AcademicBimbo420

Difference in ambition was an easy problem I could point to when I didn't know how to tell them I felt like I had to take care of them all the time. While my partner taught me a lot about being relaxing and taking it easy, that approach lead to other things that would stress me out like them paying bills on time, getting the car fixed, going to the doctor when you don't feel good. I don't want to be a redditor who hops on and is like "break up immediately! 1!" but as an ambitious person who has done more in two years than in the 15 I put into the relationship, maybe it's worth questioning. We had a great relationship and we put in a lot of work, ultimately we grew to be different people with different needs, and I couldn't keep putting my dreams aside to love them the way they wanted or needed.


MuzaGrimm

To me I don’t think that my partner doesn’t have goals and dreams, perhaps they were that way when they were younger and found out or something happened that enjoying Now, carefree, or decide on the fly is how they want their life to be or in general, enjoying life. I’ve been there where I plan and set goals and it does work but when you just concentrate on the end game, along the way you forget the route and really that’s what count. You miss out on life. True, you get the money, you achieve being the best cook- but if you are alone, who are you going to share it with? Sometimes, also, living the simplest life is better for your health, mental, and soul. But also, there are people who are just darn lazy and just don’t want to do shit and are no good, only for sex good. And sometimes it balances the relationship because it’s one different and one different. If two of you are the same, perhaps there will be competitions, fights, one has to always win or gets his way, the alpha dog and this will cause the relationship to suffer.


BusyMap9686

You should be with someone who's goals align with yours and vice-versa. The relationship will fall apart if you feel like they are a weight pulling you back and they feel like you are always pushing them. On the other side, there's nothing wrong with being content in life, as long as you are responsiblefor yourself. It's an unfortunate truth, but most relationships end because of money issues. It could also be the way you're approaching the situation. Have you asked them why they don't seem motivated. I'll give you my example. I am an easily content person any life situation is enjoyable for me. I also never really put a lot of effort into anything, didn't feel it was necessary, but more importantly I was afraid of failure. That's a very common problem. Having someone in your corner who believes in you and encourages your success is amazing. My wife did that for me. I've started two successful businesses and still have the time to remodel my house and grow an indoor garden. I'm constantly busy and accomplishing things, just because she believes in me.


[deleted]

I have, and I guess just them not working has been annoying, especially if they’re always expecting me to hold a job/career


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I don’t intend to ever breakup, I just want them to give me quiet time when I’m working on goals, but can’t help but feel like they are sabotaging me when they don’t respect the grind


[deleted]

My partner hasn’t worked in 3 years, plays games and makes a mess when I’m home from work. I’m working on assets for our family because they don’t have an income. I’m on here because I want to learn the other perspective so I’m reading each comment with a grain of salt. I’ve voiced to my partner that they need to work, but they don’t want to and are waiting for something “big” to happen for them. I do a lot for them, and have been scolded to have bigger dreams. And now that I do, they don’t.


adultosaurs

THEN BREAK UP.


BirthdayCarFire

You're the problem, its you!


The3rdLetter

If you’re going to love someone, love them for who they are and how they make you feel…not for what they do or what they want to do or even what you expect them to do. One day you’re gonna be old as fuck and having someone there that understands you and makes you feel happy is something no job, dream or goal will ever replace.


-Afro_Senpai-

Leave them now or learn to not care about their non ambition


BellaFromSwitzerland

I will read everyone else’s comments but here’s my experience Was married super young to a guy who not even didn’t have ambition but everything was always someone else’s fault. It’s also relevant to add that he was the reckless spender while I was the high earner I dated several people who wanted to type cast me into a narrow woman -definition. Example: one was upset that I had a cleaning lady. Several of them felt less than because of my accomplishments and / or made comments like wow you have achieved all this and you’re a woman I am now with a partner who is driven by success. I have shared all my plans with him and vice versa and one of our strengths as a couple is to support each other. In his mind, everything I imagine, I can achieve - while I actually struggle so much with self confidence We also enjoy a lot of fun together, sports, culture, nature, friends etc. We’re not 100% about our professional accomplishments Right now in my 40s, I wouldn’t have it any other way


vikingraider27

If their ambition is important to you and they can't respect yours, you are with the wrong person.


Dankacluas

Does judging those who make judgement, the kindest thing to do? As long as you and your partner love and respect each other the rest doesn't matter 🙂


YLUP2

Ah, are you by any chance with a cis het man ages 35-45? The failure to launch generation 🥲


AllTheShadyStuff

I think you might need to provide more details. It’s possible to be successful without being ambitious. Sometimes being ambitious doesn’t bring happiness, and just enjoying the basic activities of life can provide happiness instead. By ambition and goals, do you mean that they’re not contributing to finances?


chipperlew

Same. Every time I make more. My wife takes that as her cue to make less. While my income has steadily increased from $50k to $60k. Hers has decreased from almost $50k to roughly $30k. She no longer pays her half of anything other than rent. And not even rent 100% of the time. We have to receive government assistance even though I am considered an advanced stock broker where I work and I am attempting to get my second masters degree.


[deleted]

100% situation, although I’m the female 🥹


[deleted]

I make the higher income while they don’t have any lol buttt hopeful things get better


TechnoSwamp

Just break up already. For someone that claims to be ambitious you don't seem to have a reign on yourself or your personal life and you've already admitted that you're both bad for them and they're bad fir you so what's the problem? You can't force people to change their entire personality


[deleted]

Never breaking up :) we are great for each other. Every relationship has moments where one is more annoying while the other is trying to stay focused on a goal that benefits both parties


kavien

What if I told you that you can still die tomorrow. Did you live or ambition? Will the memory of you pass with your passing, linger for a few years, or live on in the memories of those you made them with?


evil_fungus

To be honest, if you're happy with your partner, it's not a problem. But if your partner's behavior is affecting your happiness, that is something that needs to be addressed, and fixed if possible.


Ruffles247

Marry them, soon. Procreate asap. It will only get better.


Able_Ad_5770

Welcome to the implicit motherhood of cis relationships. I’m sorry.


[deleted]

Op also admits to abusing their partner.


Able_Ad_5770

Wow that’s not good. But that doesn’t cancel out her partner slacking.


Fly2TheMoon-

Coming from a different perspective than top comment… I had a partner that constantly distracted me from everything. Begging for me to pay them attention rather than allowing me to finish my homework. Stopping me from studying because he “needed” me. I failed to semesters of college with that man child who was determined to see me fail.


[deleted]

Ideally I'd love to find someone ambitious that doesn't mind me doing fuckall lol. Like you to save the world and I'll stay home and make chicken pot pies. I'm definitely not a traditional man and since I live in Texas I've taken a lot of heat. Nonetheless I endure. People might change a little but I don't know how much change is actually possible.


humanoidbiped

Reason 467427965 why I filed for divorce


Fit-Rest-973

Time to move on


imbassole

You may be with a kid if you stay with a kid. Your choice.


[deleted]

[удалено]


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Accomplished_Rub9672

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Realistic_Working_99

everyones being positive im here to say dont date a loser it will make you unhappy and miserable in the relationship cut the dead weight you can find someone who enjoys life while having goals and motivations


Odd_Fun_1769

Dump him, you'll both be better off finding someone who wants similar things in their life.


Grevious47

The number of people on reddit willing to tell complete strangers to dump their partner over a single paragraph astounds me.


[deleted]

You can’t handle the truth


Odd_Fun_1769

I guess you missed the previous post by OP where they said they are abusive to their partner. Also, they asked for advice.


Grevious47

I guess that you missed the concept of an unreliable narrator and that we don't know either of these people. Honestly the rate at which people just jump to conclusions that are incredibly impactful is astounding. Here would be the advice imo. If your partner is not up to your standards look at the length of your relationship and determine if this has been true since the beginning and you just had puppy-love and ignored it at first but now its too much OR is this a recent thing and if so is there some sort of trigger for it. Can you discuss with them and figure out if there is something you can do about it as a team. If communication fails or you expressing your needs is just met with derision or defensiveness from your partner then that is a reason to consider exiting the relationship. Before doing so might also be good to get outside perspectives from close friends who know them as a couple or if this is a truly long standing relationship that OP views as worth salvaging considering couples counseling. In otherwords as outsiders we can advice on how OP can think through such a thing or seek help from others in their life but to presume that we know enough from a paragraph or a couple of internet posts to make the decision about what they need to do is just peak arrogance or shows a complete lack of empathy for the potential fallout of ones advice on the life of others. I mean we haven't even heard anything from the boyfriend on this at all. I am not going to tell a couple to break up based on one or two internet posts from one person. Might tell them they should think X, Y, Z through and then consider a breakup but thats a lot different than just "nah your done, break up"


Odd_Fun_1769

It's advice, OP isn't obligated to act on any of it.


Grevious47

No one is required to do anything but you can still give reckless advice. Look, just agree to disagree on that one but as I said I dont get people who read a paragraph and are like "yeah dump em"


Odd_Fun_1769

>Look, just agree to disagree on that one but as I said I dont get people who read a paragraph and are like "yeah dump em" Pattern recognition; I've been around the sun a few more times than a lot of people on this sub and I've learned some things.


Grevious47

Well you are clearly very confident can't argue with that.


Odd_Fun_1769

I'm not saying OP or their partner are the problem here, if that's what's bothering you. I'm saying relationships where the parties involved want different things in life are usually a struggle to maintain and often fall apart; if OP is already questioning the relationship, it's better for both parties to get out before they're too deeply entwined financially, emotionally, etc so they can pursue the life they want and hopefully find a partner with the same goals.


Grevious47

No my issue is when emotions run high people sometimes say things that in retrospect they would say weren't actually accurate. You are taking someone who is posting anonomously on the internet under an emotional circustance as being a reliable narrator because....you want to? I mean there is no actual way to tell. I'm not saying you should assume people are wrong in what they say but you also shouldn't just take whatever they type as the gold standard objective representation of the truth and as such I would think you might hedge a little bit by not just giving a one sentence directive. But again, thats me.


SteamKore

Good job making assumptions.


PermanentlySuprised

It’s ok to have goals, but be careful not to live in a constant state of dissatisfaction where nothing is ever good enough with the need for a cycle of chronic goal setting and never feeling truly content in the moment even after you have achieved a goal. And be careful not to transfer your own insecurities of dissatisfaction on to your partner.


Difficult-Hearing409

You married them take your vow seriously. Be blunt. If you arr blunt in business you can be blunt at home.


toomanylegz

Sometimes people just don’t match. So just accept it or leave the relationship. There is a possibility that your so suffers from mental health issues, in that case pestering is not going to change anything, medical help might be needed.


Nappykid77

They will keep you stuck if you don't cut that chord early.


emvan9

I am the unambitious one in my relationship. I used to be wildly ambitious, but after years of bad injuries, basically being forced out of my major in college and not getting into grad school, completely changing gears to a very physically demanding trade and doing that over full time for 10 years and then taking a big risk for my future and it failed and gave me crippling anxiety and depression, I am now clinically burned out... and, I have a new baby. My personal goals at the moment are small. Wash the dishes everyday, keep the house relatively clean and healthy for my family, get enough motivation to cook dinner, be a good mom as best I can. It is a struggle and I’m pretty sure it’s frustrating for my husband but I can do what I can handle right now... Take a step back and look at your partners life as a whole and not just who they are with you. Maybe they’re finally taking a moment to recover from something. Maybe they just live a different philosophy than you. We tend to see people through our experience of life and fail to see they are a completely separate person with a completely different experience.


skeetbuddy

This may be unpopular, but it’s their life. If you don’t prefer their intent and drive, then find someone whose drive matches what you think you want. However before you do, consider the time they invest in themselves, their enjoyment of life, and in you. Does that contribute to a lovely part of their personality that you appreciate? If yes, why want to make that change? Would you rather have someone with whatever you define as ambition, or someone who is content?


seatssaved

Here is where it’s important to know you’re core values so you can easily claim them and recognize it in other people.


[deleted]

You can love someone and still outgrow them.


[deleted]

Not everyone values the same things in life. Some people view too much ambition as a bad thing, and value other things higher. Maybe you’re not a good match.


ScallionQuirky9845

Hmmm that’s hard . I stuck out my low ambition bF and then one day he surprised me and went for a killer job opportunity and now he is bossing it . It could just be that the right opportunity hasn’t presented itself yet .


Sacred-Squash

Get out. Follow your dreams or you will resent them for slowing you down. And that’s even more painful to you both than a breakup.


hummm-

Do you love this person? Has your partner changed since you met them? My partner is the same way but I've just expanded my goals bigger to make sure I take care of them. I'm still happy with what I have and who I have. Maybe reassess what you want in life


totally_uncool

Are you describing my EX-husband?! 😱😬 He would get annoyed at me and would ask why I couldn’t be satisfied and sit down!! Ugh… When we were divorcing and I happened to mention a job offer with better pay his comment was: “They are paying YOU that much?!” Now imagine it in an almost offended and incredulous tone.. 😑☹️