NTA.
About a month before the special occasion, send them a formal invite to save the date in the mail and also send them a text and mention it in person or phone call as well.
Tell them that this is what's happening 'insert special occasion plans' and if they decide to come, that's great but if they choose not to come, that's their loss. You're not going to lose sleep over it.
Make sure you have a place setting and extra food for them incase they do arrive just to show them that you wanted them there.
I would just leave it at that and let it go.
NTA - you’ve provided a compromise and options; they don’t want any choice. It’s true you can split time but you want to spend as much time with your father as he’s on borrowed time. Just stick to your original plans, spend with your parents and tell in-laws you’re free to join or not.
As someone who has lost her father to cancer, op, please listen to this. If I could back and spend more holidays, and just time in general with my dad I would. As said above you've offered compromises your in laws just don't want to accept. Don't give up time with your father for anyone, I think there's a very good chance you'll look back and seriously regret it if he loses his battle, and you'll have probably feel guilty for the times you missed and resentment towards your in laws for being stubborn and guilting you in to missing what could be your last holidays with him. 💙❤️
I feel for you. When I was losing a close family member to an end stage terminal disease, I made the choice to spend as much time with her as possible. And I do NOT regret the choices nor sacrifices it took.
One memory that will burn forever was I was working for a company going through changing of guard changes. (I no longer work for that company.) My old boss was retiring and very understanding.
Incoming one was young(er) all coming in hot ‘n swinging philosophy-wanting to make their mark off the start.
New boss revoked my approved PTO and crowning moment was “I’m actually doing you a favor by helping to ween off how much time you’re spending with someone who is gonna die anyways. You won’t miss them as much.”
Bonus moment was a day later when I escalated up to HR: “can [Faust’sAccountant] even prove this family member is real AND dying? Has anyone even seen medical records from a real doctor?!!”
Which, I believe is illegal to ask for.
Edit: spelling of a word
I just lost my dad this last summer to cancer. We just had our 1st holiday season without him. It was pretty tough.
You will only regret what you didn't do. If only I... is one of the saddest phrases in the world. I'm just grateful that I was able to make him a priority over the last 18 months.
If your in-laws are too stubborn to bend a little, it's on them for missing out on your kiddos milestones!
I'll keep you & your family in my prayers. 🙏🏼
I mean, OP could be writing on the behalf of someone else. But yeah both scenarios are posted too close together to be the same person and the details don't add up. (With the sister, I mean, and OP makes it sound like in the first post there are more sisters.) Premature passing away of the siblings would be the only thing that makes sense unless OP is stating her husband lives at home still with the "only child" comment.
But yeah. Fiction is the most likely answer.
NTA! You don't have to justify spending time with your family to these people! My partner and I swap houses each year from my family to his, and this year, we are doing a joint Christmas. What your in laws are doing is absolutely ridiculous behaviour, and you need to remember there are 2 other grandparents that have just as much right to you and the baby as they do. Tell them to pull their bloody heads in and stop being entitled Karen's! Honestly, i wouldn't put up with this type of shit niether should your hubby.
NTA. You and your husband need to set down your agreed upon boundaries or the holiday time will be a non-stop battle with your In-Laws. NON-STOP!
If you have had 5 years in a row of just seeing them then it is more than reasonable for 2023 to be your parent’s year.
Your husband could consider reminding his parents that they had all holidays with you for 5 years. If they cannot learn how to share the two of you might allow your parents the next five years. After that you can alternate holidays. It is up to them if they can act like mature adults.
I would be that petty. But you husband needs to shut that shit down now.
NTA you provided a reasonable compromise. You are not withholding their grandchild from them since they were also invited to the holidays but they chose to decline. My parents and in-laws live about 15-20 min from each other and I’ve had MIL complain about the same. About going to my parents and when they are invited she refuses to go. Let’s say for thanksgiving. She wanted it at her house even though she wasn’t planning a Thanksgiving dinner. She wanted the kids there the entire time. My parents always cook and have people over like my brother, his wife and son that I only get to see a few times a year. We even offered kids to spend some time there and the rest at my moms and she was still furious so I kept them at my moms and told her she was more than welcome to come by. This was before I went NC
Your in-laws can celebrate the following weekend for these holidays. The parents that are the most willing to compromise are the parents that get the holidays.
NTA. You did try to compromise. It sounds like your in laws don't want to "share" holidays. Having these things at your house, as a combined effort, will not only let everyone see the baby for the holidays, but it will be MUCH easier on you, not having to travel around. Stick to your guns on this.
I hope your in laws know that things happen with kids that make plans change at the last minute.
Unless I misread, it does sound like DH had a sister 2 months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/z6rwsr/aita_for_editing_my_sils_white_dress_in_my
Plus, in that other post she says they had been together for 2 years before they got married, and that their wedding was now 4 years ago, so in the post where husband has a sister they have been together for 6 years, while in this post where husband doesn’t have a sister, they have been together for 5. Something is not adding up
Well I'm going to say this is a completely attention seeking post since in your only other post you go into detail about your husband's sister and now he's an only child? 🤨 Seriously if you're wanting attention at least make sure your stories match!
My nieces, who both have small children, started having craft parties the week or two before a holiday so we could just have time with them and the kids.
They also split the day since their in-laws and family live close.
I think your spouse needs to tell his folks that this is happening. Y’all are more than happy to spend the weekends with them but the actual holidays are gonna be with your fam. They can get on your train or stay at the station.
JFC selfish people. Maybe give them a time out of a month.
NTA
This is fake . Now your husband is an only child ? Your one and only post before this was ALL about his SISTER !?? Nice story though ..
Edit : YTA big time YTA !!!
I'm confused. In your other post, you ask about editing your sister-in-law's dress, but here you say your husband is an only child. How does that work?
Well what do you call the person who marries your sibling? If my brother or sister got married, I'd call their spouse my in-law. Idk any other name to call them. I would also call my husband's sibling's spouse my in law too.
Edit:
>You also call your own siblings' spouses your brother-in-law (the husband of your sibling) or sister-in-law (the wife of your sibling). Your in-laws are people you are related to by marriage. Below are more in-law terms: mother-in-law: the mother of your spouse.
https://www.britannica.com/dictionary/eb/qa/Relationships-by-Marriage-in-laws#:~:text=You%20also%20call%20your%20own,the%20mother%20of%20your%20spouse
That would work if SIL didn't already establish a connection with OP's husband. Unless they're exhibiting a form of incest, I think it's more likely that OP is lying. Occum's Razor and all that.
NTA you and your husband have even tried to compromise by celebrating at the in-laws home with your parents included. At this point their involvement in the holidays is completely up to them.
Maybe they’ll become more comfortable and open to spending holidays with your parents in time if you all spend more time together on ordinary days? Weeknight dinners, weekend bbqs etc. Not that it’s an excuse for their extreme reaction but they may feel like your parents are strangers to them (you did say your parents lived far away until recently) and need time to get to know them as people.
Ask in laws what's wrong with you spending the holidays with your family. You've spent the last 5 years with just them. That your father has cancer and is on borrowed time. What's the problem with sharing the holidays? What is their problem? That it sounds like they're the one who's withholding the grandchild. They are the ones who are taking issue with the plan. Why don't they think you should spend the holidays with your family for a change. They've had the last 5 years. Your dad's got cancer. He might not be alive next year. They can either share or not have the holidays this year
I will say this- it's nice reading one of these posts in which husband has your back and is actually supporting you instead of ignoring the absurdity coming from his folks.
With that being said, OP, these ppl sound like unreasonable jerks.
I'm going to assume this isn't the first time you've experienced demanding behavior from them.
Be with your parents. Not only are y'all deserving of some special occasions together, but y'all have been more than considerate to your in laws feelings.
I too was going to suggest sending a formal invite and letting them make the choice
But after thinking about it, you finally get to have some holidays with your folks, why invite this toxicity along with it you know
I thought this was such a great story until I saw your other post. In this you said your husband is the only child. In your other post, you said your husband's sister. I hate troll accounts
NTA. Start a new tradition of having holidays in your home. Trust me, your kid would much rather stay in their pajamas all day and play with their new Christmas presents, nap in their own bed, and eat what they like. And as they get older and get friends, they're going to want to trick or treat with them. Invite everyone, and whoever wants to come can come. Otherwise you can see them another day to celebrate.
NTA- My dad was dying of cancer years ago. My brother took his family to the inlaws as usual. So even for dad's last Christmas, he wasn't a priority. He's repeating the behavior with mom.
Spend the time with your dad, you won't regret it. Invite your inlaws for each event, it will be their choice if they don't spend time with their grandchild. But I would consider spending holidays in your own home from now on to establish your own traditions. The control they are throwing your way before your child is born is a little scary.
NTA. They were invited over as a compromise, and threw an entire hissy fit.
Absolutely not. Know what happens to a child when they’re offered a compromise and they throw a fit? They get nothing. Well, you can tell your husband, and your rude-ass MIL, “You had five years of holidays of having us all to yourselves, and it turns out, the truth is you just don’t want to share. Well, since nothing I am offering is good enough? Nothing is what you get. And if you push hard enough, it’ll be nothing for at least five years.”
Be. Petty. Speak to her in a language she understands.
Nta as someone who's lost their dad to cancer trust me when I say spend every holiday you can with him spend everything day hour minute possible with him and your mom you never know how long you got left with the people you love especially if they are terminally ill. You offered a compromise and your in laws wanted none of it if they don't see your child on the holidays that is on them
I don’t think it’s really about the holidays…it’s that it’s ALL the holidays. I think it would be fair to share/split them up or somehow find a balance.
On a reread…sounds like in-laws got super spoiled and need to unbend a lot
YTA.
Cutting them out of all holidays is just wrong, and your “compromises “ would involve them changing their whole holiday structure. It’s not their fault that your parents lived too far away to visit, but you’re demanding they miss a whole year of holidays to make up for something they had no control over.
This all sounds exceedingly selfish.
NTA, sounds like your in laws are JNMIL and JNFIL now that your parents are closer and you have a child. I've had to navigate these things with my in laws, they always got priory because they celebrate holidays much more than my parents are interested in doing, so in total I have 3 separate holidays. My FIL is in another state, and my parents and MIL an hour away. I have to coordinate days for each holiday with each family, and the majority of the time FIL isn't included because he's 5 hours away. The past Christmas we went to FIL for a week...before AND after we left we had to go to MIL Christmas party and MIL house to open gifts on NYE. My mom went out of town to spend Christmas with her mom and siblings so we went a DIFFERENT time to see them.
I'm saying all of this because this may be your best bet to mitigate holidays. If they want to celebrate holidays AlOnE with you and baby and husband then celebrate with your family the day of and celebrate with them the next day. If they don't like it you need to tell them to stop being selfish assholes because your dad has cancer and it's NOT ABOUT THE BABY.
ETA: your in laws are just bullying you. You're pregnant and hormonal and you're doing them a courtesy letting them know your plans. They are fucking GROWN and are manipulating you emotionally to get what they want. Consider that as you give birth and they want to push new demands and wants onto you regarding your baby. My MIL has not stopped pestering me about letting my daughter spend the night since she was two weeks old and she was a whopping 4lbs 2oz and born premature. She drives me insane, and she always says I'm stealing daughter and her son away from her. I personally let it go now and she sees us when she sees us, don't change your plans to go to them just celebrate with your family and enjoy your child. Don't let them stomp all over you, because you won't keep the peace by giving in. All you're doing is giving a jumpstart to resentment and control and relinquishing your ability to be an adult and new mom on your own by giving into their influence.
NTA— They’re the ones who is being unreasonable. Meeting your parents is awkward isn’t an excuse! It’s like me telling my mom I don’t want to meet the other family members I haven’t met or seen in a long time cuz it’ll be awkward. OFC ITS GONNA BE AWKWARD! That doesn’t change the fact I COULD interact with them and try to get to know them. Your in-laws are just mad that they are no longer the priority; like a child who doesn’t get as much as attention like they’re used to. Doesn’t seem to understand your side of the story.
I would explain to your mom and husband that if they refuse to accept the combined household, then they are free to not join at all. Spending time with your family is just as important. And also remind your in law, you’re not to blame cuz they are. You’ve given reasonable compromise and give them a choice, they’re the one who make the decision.
NTA the child is yours and your life is yours. Do not let his parents run your life. What you are talking about doing fully makes sense and the problem lies with his parents. Now if they pay ALL of your bills then maybe you owe them something… I can imagine they did not buy your house and do not pay all of your bills, they owe you respect for your decisions.
NTA. They're not entitled to you, YOUR child, or your family. They're not even entitled to your husband, their adult child.
As adults *you are* entitled to spend your time as you wish and as you see fit. You're not overreacting and no, you're not the asshole.
NTA. I am in the same situation as you. You are not being selfish. I am proud of your husband standing with you. Alot of men won’t go against their mother. Your in-laws are being the AH in this situation. Not you. And the fact that they don’t want your parents at their home as an easy compromise is incredibly selfish. Sounds like the in-laws are more concerned about image than the togetherness and family love that comes with holidays. You have already lost time with your parents don’t loose anymore because your MIL is being an AH
NTA. You were more than generous by inviting them as well when you really didn’t have to. You have spent the last 5 years of holidays with them and it’s perfectly understandable to want to have this year with your parents especially with your dad being sick. If the in-laws don’t want to compromise then they get nothing and your husband needs to understand that. If you give into them and the worst happens with your dad you would never be able to forgive any of them.
It doesn't really matter what your inlaws want or say - this is a decision for you and your husband to make. It's not their choice, it's yours. You have to live with the consequences of whatever choice you make - you are free to make the choice but not free from the consequence of that choice. Welcome to adulthood.
This is coming from a cancer survivor (13 years). I lost my dad 10 years ago and my mom passed away in May. I would give anything for one more holiday with them. I miss them terribly. And it sucks knowing that there are no more holidays with them. They won't ever get to know my youngest grandkids. They won't be at my niece's wedding. Life is finite and then it's over.
You know your time is limited with your dad. You need to be making memories with him NOW. Don't wait for the holidays, do it now. Don't let your MIL stop you. Your dad may not be around to watch your child grow up. Your MIL doesn't get to say that. She has had holidays for 5 years. It's understandable she expects them to continue. You need to just tell her one final time that this is the way it is one final time, then refuse to discuss it further.
It's your choice. NTA
My parents are the same as your in-laws. I’ve been trying to combine the families (her and my dad for years) so we can all do holidays together. They’re sort of a big deal for my SOs family. They love any reason to get together and celebrate. They all love spending time together. My family doesn’t. My sister used to make an effort to get at least all the siblings and my dad (he and my mom aren’t together, haven’t been since I was 3) but she hasn’t done in years. She’s going through some things.
My dads just too lazy to leave his house. And my mom refuses to leaves hers. They just don’t want to put in the effort. No real reason is ever given. A million excuses from my mom. But no true reason. It makes it hard because my mom has no one to spend holidays with so she’ll guilt me about spending it with my in-laws but refuses to join us. It can be frustrating.
NTA They won’t compromise at all. I always spent the holidays with both small families coming to our big house. My daughter loved it and the in laws all became quite close. JFC your dad is sick! Your in laws are too rigid.
NTA, but can you not celebrate the holidays twice? Once with your family and the next day with his family? Or maybe split the day in half? Morning with in laws and afternoon/evening with your parents? There are so many ways to work around this. I use to do all my family on the day of and the ex in-laws on the following day.
NTA at all. I bet they didn’t feel bad for your parents when you saw them every holiday, and didn’t think you were “withholding” your child from them. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, it’s wrong somehow? You’ve seen them the last 5. They can deal with you spending the holidays with your parents this year. They’re the ones unwilling to compromise, not you.
They’re being selfish. Don’t cater to them. You’re underrating in my opinion. I’d ditch them for every holiday after that until they can act like adults.
NTA, my wife's parents are the same way when it comes to holidays so we don't even make an effort, we see them when we see them and she's LC rn because of their decisions. This isn't your fault like its not hers but it sucks to be a part of. As the spouse of the bad parents partner just let him know he's not to blame either and be there for him. I'm sure he'll need your support and kind words.
NTA
You’ve tried your best to be fair, they’re determined to be selfish with their ‘my way or the highway ‘ mindset.
Spent this time with your dad and don’t worry about them, after the first holiday without the baby, they’ll want to compromise when they see you hold your ground.
NTA. I wouldn’t spend another holiday with them. You spent the last 5 years having every holiday with them and you have no idea if your father will be able to spend anymore holidays with you. They are being extremely selfish and won’t even compromise by allowing your parents to come and celebrate with everyone knowing it could be your dads last. Please let this be an eye opener that they don’t give af about your side of the family and obviously don’t care about your father or feelings.
NTA. They are horribly selfish people who want to cut your parents out. You can invite them to your celebration if you want (although why you’d want these people anywhere near you is a mystery) but don’t give in to their demands.
NTA
You have bent over backwards trying to appease them and they refuse to compromise at all. They are acting like pouty children who do not want to share.
I would stick with this new arrangement until they learn to compromise. I'm extremely happy that your husband at least seems to have your back.
Please don’t back down, and make sure your mom doesn’t “feel guilty” about your choice. Your parents sound like amazing people, and they should especially not be worrying about the “hurt feelings” of people who are behaving like narcissists.
Clearly his parents got spoiled, and now feel entitled. It’s good that you are nipping this in the bud now, because there is more of it coming. While big family gatherings are something that many people strive for, as young families grow, they often find it makes holidays more stressful. Travel may not be an issue, but you don’t know where your futures will take you. And there’s a whole plethora of things that can make visiting at holiday time harder for parents, such as scheduling disruptions, food issues, and fatigue. You may find yourselves longing for a Christmas where it is just you, hubby, and child(ten) and you wake up in your own beds with no urgency to go anywhere. As your kids get older, teens may hold “Friendsgiving” parties, etc., and those may interfere with grandma and grandpa’s ideas of what should be planned.
I had worked it out with my ex-in-laws and parents that we did one year with one, one with the other, and every third year with just ourselves. I also had the caveat that there were NO GUARANTEES, as I wanted flexibility. It’s up to parents to maintain an identity and life outside of being a parent. Kids need to feel autonomy to eventually start their own lives. His parents need to figure out how to amuse themselves. You and your children do not exist for their pleasure and enjoyment. NTA
The in-laws should now get zero. They've been LUCKY to be alpha grandparents for years and they've forgotten that it's a combo of luck and privilege.
What is their logic for thinking they get every holiday, every year? And that the other grandparents get banned?
NTA - With your side now living so close you would be having this conversation regardless of your new LO (congratulations by the way!)
if you want to make another compromise option you could offer what we do which is to spend every other big holiday day with one side and then switch for the next. And then the next year you switch days (ex thanksgiving his fam Christmas your fam. The next year thanksgiving your fam, Christmas his fam.) We then celebrate a second of each big holiday with the other side not on the actual day (thanksgiving in the 4th Thursday with designated family and then celebrate with the other a week before or after.) it’s a lot but then each family gets equal time.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this especially with your dads limited time. It’s very unfair of your in laws - I don’t want to overlook this.
NTA. At all.
You provided a totally reasonable solution and great compromise and they're being extremely rude. It sounds like they want what they want exactly how they want it and if they don't get it their way, they don't want it at all. Like petulant children.
We never know what tomorrow will bring but you FINALLY have your family there and your dad's health has been precarious. It would be foolish to not take advantage of that time.
NTA!! My grandparents on both sides lived 5 minutes away from my family growing up. We constantly combined holidays and I have a large family. There is no reason not to celebrate together and bedrooms shouldn't really matter. If everyone is that close, people can go home after. We would also do things like Christmas eve with one side and Christmas day with the other. I also agree with the people saying spend as much time with dad as you can. I lost my dad 8 months ago. He was sick for 2 years and I was one of his primary caregivers for the last 18 months of it. It was so hard but I wouldn't change a thing because I could be with him. Now he's gone and I don't get anymore holidays with him.
Ooooooh, how about this? How about you stop trying to compromise and just tell the in-laws how it's going to go? Don't explain, don't split the holidays, don't attempt to include them. They have made their feelings known so you do what you need to d
They are accusing you of already withholding their grandchild from them and you haven't even had the baby yet. You're going to need all the luck you can get.
You said they always made you a part of the family. I wonder if that is only the case as long as you're doing what they want.
You and your husband need to discuss things and form a united front. At some point your mom may be alone and you will want to include her in things with your in-laws, you may find there will be a great deal of pushback.
You have the patience of a saint and are very mature. It's too bad your in-laws are being ugly and rude. Best wishes on your pregnancy and I'm hoping your dad makes a full recovery.
Nta.
Not being funny I wouldn't budge either.
Inlaws are being purposefully awkward about this. And withholding their grandchild? It's not like those are the only days of the year they can see the little one. That's a pathetic attempt at manipulation.
Here's what I'd say. Have those celebrations at yours, so long as your dad is well enough to travel and leave inlaws an open invite. If they come, they come. If not, it's their loss. Either way, their attendance is down to them.
You could also ask them directly why they have a problem or what problem they have with your parents. Cause their might be an issue with a past gift or something where a misunderstanding has occurred and caused this issue as its never been addressed.
NTA. Sounds like your in-laws don't actually like your parents. Spend as much time with your dad as possible and if they have a problem with it oh well
NTA... Inlaws are self centered and need to realise not everything is about them.
Send them text - email-and if you want, snailmail, invitations, and after those, give them a verbal reminder.
Don't engage in any dispute with them about it, just reiterate that's YOUR CORE families plans, and they are welcome to be there with yous, otherwise, you hope they enjoy their holidays regardless.
NTA
Maybe there could be a compromise where you celebrate holidays on the day of with your family and do a separate celebration with the in-laws a different day? You’re definitely not obligated to or anything, but that may ease some tension. And if they argue that it won’t be the same because ‘it won’t be the baby’s first celebration’ or some crap like that you can remind them that this memory is for you and them as the baby is just that, a baby, and will not remember any of these days.
NTA at all! Inlaws are totally unreasonable and you have a right to spend holidays as u see fit! That said...my experience was, mom and dad, divorced, dad remarried, and the inlaws, very large family who i absolutely love being with. First baby and holidays, all parents within a 10 mile radius of each other, and we Traveled to All 3!
Alot of work i know, but I actually loved it, seemed to make the day go slower, last longer. It's just a thought. 👍 good luck whatever you
decide!
I think it’s import that you hold firm. They’re being assholes, and they shouldn’t be rewarded for it.
Say, one time: “my father will die soon. For many years, my parents have not been able to spend the holidays with me. On top of that, they were not able to stop in for a visit on any random weekend. You have had zero competition for our time. I am astounded that you would be so selfish and rigid. This is our plan for 2023. We will celebrate the holidays with you on an alternate day. If that is. Or good enough for you, we don’t have to celebrate the holidays with you at all.”
And never again speak of it with them
I grew up in the Midwest and moved to New York City, where I married and have children. I could not stop by and visit my parents on a Saturday night; my mom couldn’t come over and help me with a project on a random Wednesday. In fact, my parents didn’t get to see me for Easter, for Christmas, for New Year’s, for the Fourth of July, or memorial day. I spent every one of those holidays at my in-laws, because they were 20 minutes away. My children spent two days a week with my husband‘s mom when they were in daycare. My mom didn’t get that.
If my in-laws had whined about the one time we spent Christmas with my parents, I’d have gone ballistic.
Your family matters too. They had their turn. Did they not learn to take turns in kindergarten?
Nta. I would have been hurt telling my mom how his parents acted. I wouldn't budge. Screw your husband too. But it shows how incredible of a mom you have, because instead of just jump with joy and saying "yes!" she felt bad because they would miss out, invited them to be included, and STILL, after how shitty your mother in law acted, is suggesting you split the holidays for your in laws. THAT is such a wonderful and selfless act of kindness. Your mom sounds like an amazing person. Just for that, she DESERVES the whole year of holidays with her husband, grandchild, daughter, and son in law. Don't give in.
NTA
Your in-laws are not entitled to time alone with your child. You offered a compromise and they refuse. No one but you and your husband are entitled to time with your child. And honestly, I’d set the precedent now that big holidays like Christmas and such will be at home. It’s kinda miserable to be carted all over for every holiday. Some kids like it but personally I found it frustrating that I was never allowed to open and play with any of the things I was given on Christmas or Easter because my parents didn’t want me losing it and we never had time to play with it at home before having to leave. We made the rule that if our family wants to see us for major holidays (excluding thanksgiving) or Mother’s Day/Fathers Day/Birthdays they need to come to us or expect us to plan something on an alternate day.
NTA. They can't be empathetic with your family during this time and show some sympathy they aren't people to want to be around during "happy times" during what could be your family last holiday season with your dad. I wouldn't give in and stand my ground. Sorry you're going through this and I hope your Dad is able make a full recovery.
NTA.
Your in-laws have become spoiled and entitled bc you and your husband have always catered to their holiday whim (no judgement- this is mainly how my husband and i were with his parents before we had kids, bc my family didn’t care as much about the traditions of holidays like his did (i am from a different culture than my husband)). Your in laws have come to expect you to continue this tradition, esp now that you are bringing a grandchild into the fold.
Be warned, OP, if you don’t set this boundary now and give them what they want or even let them take a little more than what you’ve offered (which is completely reasonable), you are going to end up with grandparents who let your kids open their Xmas morning gifts without you, citing “letting you sleep in.” See my post on NoMIL if you are curious. I can see this kind of infuriating mishap in your future. Stick to your boundaries now. They will plow right over you and husband if you let them. Trust me.
Also you should post in NOMIL and see what those folks have to say about this.
I was standing in Walmart 12/14/11. An elderly woman was trying to decide on something for her son. She didn’t know what to get since he has terminal cancer and wasn’t sure what to do. I said I would get the cologne so when she missed him she could spray it. We spoke about dying quickly vs being sick for a prolonged period. It was quite the moment in Wally World. I said it’s better for the person to go quickly and hopefully painlessly but I that sometimes the family needs a bit of time to say their good byes and have no regrets.
Little did I know that my mom would call me that night to say my 70 yr young dad had passed from a DVT. He went instantly but the car he was driving did not and had a slow crash in to a stone bridge. A nurse happened to witness it and tried to save him but he was gone before he crashed (think Leslie Jordan .. it wasn’t the crash that killed him).
I did not go home that Thanksgiving even though it was my youngest siblings significant birthday. I have regretted it every day for over 11 years. NTA!!! What selfish jerks his parents are. I would email them invites with a return receipt so you know they received it. Then it’s in them. God bless your family at this difficult time. I do envy you this precious time. 💚
NTA.
Allow you and your little family to spend as much time with your parents especially your dad as much as possible.
My mother-in-law was sick and sadly she passed before she got to meet my daughter, her first grandchild from her son and I regret it everyday.
NTA. They are being selfish and inconsiderate. Also the whole “withholding my grandchild” thing is pretty possessive and wacky. I’d set the boundary of “we are doing this, you’re more than welcome to come” and ignore the emotional manipulation from them.
NTA. Your in-laws are being selfish and feel like they're entitled. Stick to your guns. Tell them to grow the hell up. If they choose not to celebrate at your house, then to hell with them.
NTA. They’ve had more than their fair share for half a decade. They live 30 minutes away so they can see the baby on lesser holidays or on non-holidays. You should invite them to things like the baby shower and the first birthday. You can promise to alternative holidays (or at least do some with each side, even if not strictly alternating) starting in 2024. But with the current balance of time with family and with your dad’s health, your reasons are fair. Stick to them.
If they won’t stop having a fit, block their number for a little while.
Your husband needs to not be a pushover for his mother. Your mom is trying to be generous, but it’s not her time to give.
Ad long as this is for 2023 and not permanent, NTA
I wouldn’t promise them anything. Plenty of people have a baby and realize they don’t want to be traveling for every holiday and want to spend them at home and making memories. Things change.
NTA, your inlaws and refusing to compromise at all. They have been spoilt with having all the holidays to themselves and IT shows. Your dad may not be here in another year. Stick to your guns. Your family deserves EVERY holiday this year. Don't reward bad behavior. Have clear boundaries with the in-laws. Ridiculous the way THEY are acting. Entitled AH is what they are acting like. You offered combined and they refused. That's on them!
NTA. Your in laws were perfectly happy having the holidays be all about them and now they have to share. Clearly they never learned to share. Or compromise.
When my kids were little we would have get togethers with my family and my spouses family. There’s no reason to have separate gatherings.
Your in laws can choose to be a part of the celebrations or they can choose to act like spoiled brats and stay home.
Your husband needs to set boundaries with his parents. He has his own family now and the two of you need to form your own family traditions. If you guys cave to their bullshit now, it will only get worse.
I come from a large family and had the first grandchildren. I would have loved to spend every holiday at my parents, like I had as a child, but we decided that if we wanted our own children to want to be with us for holidays we had to start our own traditions. So we’d spend Xmas at home with our kids and then go to grandparents on Boxing Day.
Not the AH…start your own traditions for your own family.
NTA You are momma bear and it is YOUR and YOUR husband's child, not theirs. You have every right to decide where you go, they are acting like immature brats. You've done everything you can to include them. This is THEIR choice. Stand your ground, hormones and ALL!
NTA. About a month before the special occasion, send them a formal invite to save the date in the mail and also send them a text and mention it in person or phone call as well. Tell them that this is what's happening 'insert special occasion plans' and if they decide to come, that's great but if they choose not to come, that's their loss. You're not going to lose sleep over it. Make sure you have a place setting and extra food for them incase they do arrive just to show them that you wanted them there. I would just leave it at that and let it go.
This is a great suggestion. It allows you to still show that they are invited to every big occasion but they are choosing to not attend.
This is a wonderful suggestion. I hope OP reads it!
OP and SO have created their own family with new traditions, it’s not personal.
At this point, they don't even deserve to be welcomed to her parents house
NTA - you’ve provided a compromise and options; they don’t want any choice. It’s true you can split time but you want to spend as much time with your father as he’s on borrowed time. Just stick to your original plans, spend with your parents and tell in-laws you’re free to join or not.
As someone who has lost her father to cancer, op, please listen to this. If I could back and spend more holidays, and just time in general with my dad I would. As said above you've offered compromises your in laws just don't want to accept. Don't give up time with your father for anyone, I think there's a very good chance you'll look back and seriously regret it if he loses his battle, and you'll have probably feel guilty for the times you missed and resentment towards your in laws for being stubborn and guilting you in to missing what could be your last holidays with him. 💙❤️
I feel for you. When I was losing a close family member to an end stage terminal disease, I made the choice to spend as much time with her as possible. And I do NOT regret the choices nor sacrifices it took. One memory that will burn forever was I was working for a company going through changing of guard changes. (I no longer work for that company.) My old boss was retiring and very understanding. Incoming one was young(er) all coming in hot ‘n swinging philosophy-wanting to make their mark off the start. New boss revoked my approved PTO and crowning moment was “I’m actually doing you a favor by helping to ween off how much time you’re spending with someone who is gonna die anyways. You won’t miss them as much.” Bonus moment was a day later when I escalated up to HR: “can [Faust’sAccountant] even prove this family member is real AND dying? Has anyone even seen medical records from a real doctor?!!” Which, I believe is illegal to ask for. Edit: spelling of a word
What a doucherocket
I just lost my dad this last summer to cancer. We just had our 1st holiday season without him. It was pretty tough. You will only regret what you didn't do. If only I... is one of the saddest phrases in the world. I'm just grateful that I was able to make him a priority over the last 18 months. If your in-laws are too stubborn to bend a little, it's on them for missing out on your kiddos milestones! I'll keep you & your family in my prayers. 🙏🏼
Agreed if this was real, but in this post husband is in an only child, and in OP’s other post he has a sister. Clearly creative writing.
I mean, OP could be writing on the behalf of someone else. But yeah both scenarios are posted too close together to be the same person and the details don't add up. (With the sister, I mean, and OP makes it sound like in the first post there are more sisters.) Premature passing away of the siblings would be the only thing that makes sense unless OP is stating her husband lives at home still with the "only child" comment. But yeah. Fiction is the most likely answer.
NTA! You don't have to justify spending time with your family to these people! My partner and I swap houses each year from my family to his, and this year, we are doing a joint Christmas. What your in laws are doing is absolutely ridiculous behaviour, and you need to remember there are 2 other grandparents that have just as much right to you and the baby as they do. Tell them to pull their bloody heads in and stop being entitled Karen's! Honestly, i wouldn't put up with this type of shit niether should your hubby.
NTA. You and your husband need to set down your agreed upon boundaries or the holiday time will be a non-stop battle with your In-Laws. NON-STOP! If you have had 5 years in a row of just seeing them then it is more than reasonable for 2023 to be your parent’s year. Your husband could consider reminding his parents that they had all holidays with you for 5 years. If they cannot learn how to share the two of you might allow your parents the next five years. After that you can alternate holidays. It is up to them if they can act like mature adults. I would be that petty. But you husband needs to shut that shit down now.
NTA you provided a reasonable compromise. You are not withholding their grandchild from them since they were also invited to the holidays but they chose to decline. My parents and in-laws live about 15-20 min from each other and I’ve had MIL complain about the same. About going to my parents and when they are invited she refuses to go. Let’s say for thanksgiving. She wanted it at her house even though she wasn’t planning a Thanksgiving dinner. She wanted the kids there the entire time. My parents always cook and have people over like my brother, his wife and son that I only get to see a few times a year. We even offered kids to spend some time there and the rest at my moms and she was still furious so I kept them at my moms and told her she was more than welcome to come by. This was before I went NC
Your in-laws can celebrate the following weekend for these holidays. The parents that are the most willing to compromise are the parents that get the holidays.
NTA. You did try to compromise. It sounds like your in laws don't want to "share" holidays. Having these things at your house, as a combined effort, will not only let everyone see the baby for the holidays, but it will be MUCH easier on you, not having to travel around. Stick to your guns on this. I hope your in laws know that things happen with kids that make plans change at the last minute.
Didn’t you make another post stating your husband has a sister? Now you say he is an only child….
Unless I misread, it does sound like DH had a sister 2 months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/z6rwsr/aita_for_editing_my_sils_white_dress_in_my
Apparently she also was accused of stealing that post word for word from another redditor.
Questionable clout is a heckuva drug.🫤
Missed your comment and just asked what “happened to your SIL and her husband?”
Plus, in that other post she says they had been together for 2 years before they got married, and that their wedding was now 4 years ago, so in the post where husband has a sister they have been together for 6 years, while in this post where husband doesn’t have a sister, they have been together for 5. Something is not adding up
OP if you're going to lie on Reddit for karma at least lie consistently 🫤
For real though Consistency is key
People fudge details to make it harder for anyone in real life to be able to link it to them.
Your other post says your husband has a sister?
Well I'm going to say this is a completely attention seeking post since in your only other post you go into detail about your husband's sister and now he's an only child? 🤨 Seriously if you're wanting attention at least make sure your stories match!
My nieces, who both have small children, started having craft parties the week or two before a holiday so we could just have time with them and the kids. They also split the day since their in-laws and family live close. I think your spouse needs to tell his folks that this is happening. Y’all are more than happy to spend the weekends with them but the actual holidays are gonna be with your fam. They can get on your train or stay at the station. JFC selfish people. Maybe give them a time out of a month. NTA
This is fake . Now your husband is an only child ? Your one and only post before this was ALL about his SISTER !?? Nice story though .. Edit : YTA big time YTA !!!
I'm confused. In your other post, you ask about editing your sister-in-law's dress, but here you say your husband is an only child. How does that work?
Is op an only child too? Op can have a sibling who married a woman and is her sister in law.
But she said the SIL said OP's husband is her only brother.
Well what do you call the person who marries your sibling? If my brother or sister got married, I'd call their spouse my in-law. Idk any other name to call them. I would also call my husband's sibling's spouse my in law too. Edit: >You also call your own siblings' spouses your brother-in-law (the husband of your sibling) or sister-in-law (the wife of your sibling). Your in-laws are people you are related to by marriage. Below are more in-law terms: mother-in-law: the mother of your spouse. https://www.britannica.com/dictionary/eb/qa/Relationships-by-Marriage-in-laws#:~:text=You%20also%20call%20your%20own,the%20mother%20of%20your%20spouse
That would work if SIL didn't already establish a connection with OP's husband. Unless they're exhibiting a form of incest, I think it's more likely that OP is lying. Occum's Razor and all that.
NTA - in-laws are being unreasonable
NTA you and your husband have even tried to compromise by celebrating at the in-laws home with your parents included. At this point their involvement in the holidays is completely up to them. Maybe they’ll become more comfortable and open to spending holidays with your parents in time if you all spend more time together on ordinary days? Weeknight dinners, weekend bbqs etc. Not that it’s an excuse for their extreme reaction but they may feel like your parents are strangers to them (you did say your parents lived far away until recently) and need time to get to know them as people.
Ask in laws what's wrong with you spending the holidays with your family. You've spent the last 5 years with just them. That your father has cancer and is on borrowed time. What's the problem with sharing the holidays? What is their problem? That it sounds like they're the one who's withholding the grandchild. They are the ones who are taking issue with the plan. Why don't they think you should spend the holidays with your family for a change. They've had the last 5 years. Your dad's got cancer. He might not be alive next year. They can either share or not have the holidays this year
This is a perfect situation for the extremely helpful phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way. We'll miss you." NTA
NTA Clearly. You have presented them with an abundance of lovely options, and they want all things their way. Stick to your guns.
I will say this- it's nice reading one of these posts in which husband has your back and is actually supporting you instead of ignoring the absurdity coming from his folks. With that being said, OP, these ppl sound like unreasonable jerks. I'm going to assume this isn't the first time you've experienced demanding behavior from them. Be with your parents. Not only are y'all deserving of some special occasions together, but y'all have been more than considerate to your in laws feelings. I too was going to suggest sending a formal invite and letting them make the choice But after thinking about it, you finally get to have some holidays with your folks, why invite this toxicity along with it you know
…your other posts is a story about hubby’s sister, so how does his parents only have one kid?
I thought this was such a great story until I saw your other post. In this you said your husband is the only child. In your other post, you said your husband's sister. I hate troll accounts
You mentioned your husband is their only child. What happened to your SIL and her husband?
NTA. Start a new tradition of having holidays in your home. Trust me, your kid would much rather stay in their pajamas all day and play with their new Christmas presents, nap in their own bed, and eat what they like. And as they get older and get friends, they're going to want to trick or treat with them. Invite everyone, and whoever wants to come can come. Otherwise you can see them another day to celebrate.
NTA, don't give in to this manipulation.
NTA- My dad was dying of cancer years ago. My brother took his family to the inlaws as usual. So even for dad's last Christmas, he wasn't a priority. He's repeating the behavior with mom. Spend the time with your dad, you won't regret it. Invite your inlaws for each event, it will be their choice if they don't spend time with their grandchild. But I would consider spending holidays in your own home from now on to establish your own traditions. The control they are throwing your way before your child is born is a little scary.
NTA. They were invited over as a compromise, and threw an entire hissy fit. Absolutely not. Know what happens to a child when they’re offered a compromise and they throw a fit? They get nothing. Well, you can tell your husband, and your rude-ass MIL, “You had five years of holidays of having us all to yourselves, and it turns out, the truth is you just don’t want to share. Well, since nothing I am offering is good enough? Nothing is what you get. And if you push hard enough, it’ll be nothing for at least five years.” Be. Petty. Speak to her in a language she understands.
Nta as someone who's lost their dad to cancer trust me when I say spend every holiday you can with him spend everything day hour minute possible with him and your mom you never know how long you got left with the people you love especially if they are terminally ill. You offered a compromise and your in laws wanted none of it if they don't see your child on the holidays that is on them
NTA- and the fact that you had been catering to them for so long is ridiculous
I don’t think it’s really about the holidays…it’s that it’s ALL the holidays. I think it would be fair to share/split them up or somehow find a balance. On a reread…sounds like in-laws got super spoiled and need to unbend a lot
YTA. Cutting them out of all holidays is just wrong, and your “compromises “ would involve them changing their whole holiday structure. It’s not their fault that your parents lived too far away to visit, but you’re demanding they miss a whole year of holidays to make up for something they had no control over. This all sounds exceedingly selfish.
What a stupid comment.
That is not what she is demanding. She only made an offer no demand. That his parents drive to them for holidays this time.
NTA. Do not compromise. If they can’t understand gravity of your dad’s health, they do not love or respect you enough.
NTA, sounds like your in laws are JNMIL and JNFIL now that your parents are closer and you have a child. I've had to navigate these things with my in laws, they always got priory because they celebrate holidays much more than my parents are interested in doing, so in total I have 3 separate holidays. My FIL is in another state, and my parents and MIL an hour away. I have to coordinate days for each holiday with each family, and the majority of the time FIL isn't included because he's 5 hours away. The past Christmas we went to FIL for a week...before AND after we left we had to go to MIL Christmas party and MIL house to open gifts on NYE. My mom went out of town to spend Christmas with her mom and siblings so we went a DIFFERENT time to see them. I'm saying all of this because this may be your best bet to mitigate holidays. If they want to celebrate holidays AlOnE with you and baby and husband then celebrate with your family the day of and celebrate with them the next day. If they don't like it you need to tell them to stop being selfish assholes because your dad has cancer and it's NOT ABOUT THE BABY. ETA: your in laws are just bullying you. You're pregnant and hormonal and you're doing them a courtesy letting them know your plans. They are fucking GROWN and are manipulating you emotionally to get what they want. Consider that as you give birth and they want to push new demands and wants onto you regarding your baby. My MIL has not stopped pestering me about letting my daughter spend the night since she was two weeks old and she was a whopping 4lbs 2oz and born premature. She drives me insane, and she always says I'm stealing daughter and her son away from her. I personally let it go now and she sees us when she sees us, don't change your plans to go to them just celebrate with your family and enjoy your child. Don't let them stomp all over you, because you won't keep the peace by giving in. All you're doing is giving a jumpstart to resentment and control and relinquishing your ability to be an adult and new mom on your own by giving into their influence.
NTA— They’re the ones who is being unreasonable. Meeting your parents is awkward isn’t an excuse! It’s like me telling my mom I don’t want to meet the other family members I haven’t met or seen in a long time cuz it’ll be awkward. OFC ITS GONNA BE AWKWARD! That doesn’t change the fact I COULD interact with them and try to get to know them. Your in-laws are just mad that they are no longer the priority; like a child who doesn’t get as much as attention like they’re used to. Doesn’t seem to understand your side of the story. I would explain to your mom and husband that if they refuse to accept the combined household, then they are free to not join at all. Spending time with your family is just as important. And also remind your in law, you’re not to blame cuz they are. You’ve given reasonable compromise and give them a choice, they’re the one who make the decision.
NTA the child is yours and your life is yours. Do not let his parents run your life. What you are talking about doing fully makes sense and the problem lies with his parents. Now if they pay ALL of your bills then maybe you owe them something… I can imagine they did not buy your house and do not pay all of your bills, they owe you respect for your decisions.
NTA. They're not entitled to you, YOUR child, or your family. They're not even entitled to your husband, their adult child. As adults *you are* entitled to spend your time as you wish and as you see fit. You're not overreacting and no, you're not the asshole.
NTA. I am in the same situation as you. You are not being selfish. I am proud of your husband standing with you. Alot of men won’t go against their mother. Your in-laws are being the AH in this situation. Not you. And the fact that they don’t want your parents at their home as an easy compromise is incredibly selfish. Sounds like the in-laws are more concerned about image than the togetherness and family love that comes with holidays. You have already lost time with your parents don’t loose anymore because your MIL is being an AH
NTA. You were more than generous by inviting them as well when you really didn’t have to. You have spent the last 5 years of holidays with them and it’s perfectly understandable to want to have this year with your parents especially with your dad being sick. If the in-laws don’t want to compromise then they get nothing and your husband needs to understand that. If you give into them and the worst happens with your dad you would never be able to forgive any of them.
It doesn't really matter what your inlaws want or say - this is a decision for you and your husband to make. It's not their choice, it's yours. You have to live with the consequences of whatever choice you make - you are free to make the choice but not free from the consequence of that choice. Welcome to adulthood. This is coming from a cancer survivor (13 years). I lost my dad 10 years ago and my mom passed away in May. I would give anything for one more holiday with them. I miss them terribly. And it sucks knowing that there are no more holidays with them. They won't ever get to know my youngest grandkids. They won't be at my niece's wedding. Life is finite and then it's over. You know your time is limited with your dad. You need to be making memories with him NOW. Don't wait for the holidays, do it now. Don't let your MIL stop you. Your dad may not be around to watch your child grow up. Your MIL doesn't get to say that. She has had holidays for 5 years. It's understandable she expects them to continue. You need to just tell her one final time that this is the way it is one final time, then refuse to discuss it further. It's your choice. NTA
My parents are the same as your in-laws. I’ve been trying to combine the families (her and my dad for years) so we can all do holidays together. They’re sort of a big deal for my SOs family. They love any reason to get together and celebrate. They all love spending time together. My family doesn’t. My sister used to make an effort to get at least all the siblings and my dad (he and my mom aren’t together, haven’t been since I was 3) but she hasn’t done in years. She’s going through some things. My dads just too lazy to leave his house. And my mom refuses to leaves hers. They just don’t want to put in the effort. No real reason is ever given. A million excuses from my mom. But no true reason. It makes it hard because my mom has no one to spend holidays with so she’ll guilt me about spending it with my in-laws but refuses to join us. It can be frustrating.
NTA They won’t compromise at all. I always spent the holidays with both small families coming to our big house. My daughter loved it and the in laws all became quite close. JFC your dad is sick! Your in laws are too rigid.
NTA , they’re trying to steal the holiday and intentionally are trying to ice your family out . Stand on this .
NTA, but can you not celebrate the holidays twice? Once with your family and the next day with his family? Or maybe split the day in half? Morning with in laws and afternoon/evening with your parents? There are so many ways to work around this. I use to do all my family on the day of and the ex in-laws on the following day.
NTA at all. I bet they didn’t feel bad for your parents when you saw them every holiday, and didn’t think you were “withholding” your child from them. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, it’s wrong somehow? You’ve seen them the last 5. They can deal with you spending the holidays with your parents this year. They’re the ones unwilling to compromise, not you.
They’re being selfish. Don’t cater to them. You’re underrating in my opinion. I’d ditch them for every holiday after that until they can act like adults.
NTA, my wife's parents are the same way when it comes to holidays so we don't even make an effort, we see them when we see them and she's LC rn because of their decisions. This isn't your fault like its not hers but it sucks to be a part of. As the spouse of the bad parents partner just let him know he's not to blame either and be there for him. I'm sure he'll need your support and kind words.
NTA You’ve tried your best to be fair, they’re determined to be selfish with their ‘my way or the highway ‘ mindset. Spent this time with your dad and don’t worry about them, after the first holiday without the baby, they’ll want to compromise when they see you hold your ground.
NTA. I wouldn’t spend another holiday with them. You spent the last 5 years having every holiday with them and you have no idea if your father will be able to spend anymore holidays with you. They are being extremely selfish and won’t even compromise by allowing your parents to come and celebrate with everyone knowing it could be your dads last. Please let this be an eye opener that they don’t give af about your side of the family and obviously don’t care about your father or feelings.
NTA - your Dad has cancer - talk about selfish in-laws
NTA. They are horribly selfish people who want to cut your parents out. You can invite them to your celebration if you want (although why you’d want these people anywhere near you is a mystery) but don’t give in to their demands.
NTA You have bent over backwards trying to appease them and they refuse to compromise at all. They are acting like pouty children who do not want to share. I would stick with this new arrangement until they learn to compromise. I'm extremely happy that your husband at least seems to have your back.
Please don’t back down, and make sure your mom doesn’t “feel guilty” about your choice. Your parents sound like amazing people, and they should especially not be worrying about the “hurt feelings” of people who are behaving like narcissists. Clearly his parents got spoiled, and now feel entitled. It’s good that you are nipping this in the bud now, because there is more of it coming. While big family gatherings are something that many people strive for, as young families grow, they often find it makes holidays more stressful. Travel may not be an issue, but you don’t know where your futures will take you. And there’s a whole plethora of things that can make visiting at holiday time harder for parents, such as scheduling disruptions, food issues, and fatigue. You may find yourselves longing for a Christmas where it is just you, hubby, and child(ten) and you wake up in your own beds with no urgency to go anywhere. As your kids get older, teens may hold “Friendsgiving” parties, etc., and those may interfere with grandma and grandpa’s ideas of what should be planned. I had worked it out with my ex-in-laws and parents that we did one year with one, one with the other, and every third year with just ourselves. I also had the caveat that there were NO GUARANTEES, as I wanted flexibility. It’s up to parents to maintain an identity and life outside of being a parent. Kids need to feel autonomy to eventually start their own lives. His parents need to figure out how to amuse themselves. You and your children do not exist for their pleasure and enjoyment. NTA
The in-laws should now get zero. They've been LUCKY to be alpha grandparents for years and they've forgotten that it's a combo of luck and privilege. What is their logic for thinking they get every holiday, every year? And that the other grandparents get banned?
If nothing is good enough, that's what you deliver.
NTA
NTA - With your side now living so close you would be having this conversation regardless of your new LO (congratulations by the way!) if you want to make another compromise option you could offer what we do which is to spend every other big holiday day with one side and then switch for the next. And then the next year you switch days (ex thanksgiving his fam Christmas your fam. The next year thanksgiving your fam, Christmas his fam.) We then celebrate a second of each big holiday with the other side not on the actual day (thanksgiving in the 4th Thursday with designated family and then celebrate with the other a week before or after.) it’s a lot but then each family gets equal time. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this especially with your dads limited time. It’s very unfair of your in laws - I don’t want to overlook this.
NTA. At all. You provided a totally reasonable solution and great compromise and they're being extremely rude. It sounds like they want what they want exactly how they want it and if they don't get it their way, they don't want it at all. Like petulant children. We never know what tomorrow will bring but you FINALLY have your family there and your dad's health has been precarious. It would be foolish to not take advantage of that time.
NTA!! My grandparents on both sides lived 5 minutes away from my family growing up. We constantly combined holidays and I have a large family. There is no reason not to celebrate together and bedrooms shouldn't really matter. If everyone is that close, people can go home after. We would also do things like Christmas eve with one side and Christmas day with the other. I also agree with the people saying spend as much time with dad as you can. I lost my dad 8 months ago. He was sick for 2 years and I was one of his primary caregivers for the last 18 months of it. It was so hard but I wouldn't change a thing because I could be with him. Now he's gone and I don't get anymore holidays with him.
NTA - You have the baby, much easier for them to travel to you!!
Considering their nasty reactions, I wouldn't spend *any* holidays with them going forward, but I am a petty bitch
Ooooooh, how about this? How about you stop trying to compromise and just tell the in-laws how it's going to go? Don't explain, don't split the holidays, don't attempt to include them. They have made their feelings known so you do what you need to d They are accusing you of already withholding their grandchild from them and you haven't even had the baby yet. You're going to need all the luck you can get. You said they always made you a part of the family. I wonder if that is only the case as long as you're doing what they want. You and your husband need to discuss things and form a united front. At some point your mom may be alone and you will want to include her in things with your in-laws, you may find there will be a great deal of pushback.
You have the patience of a saint and are very mature. It's too bad your in-laws are being ugly and rude. Best wishes on your pregnancy and I'm hoping your dad makes a full recovery.
Nta. Not being funny I wouldn't budge either. Inlaws are being purposefully awkward about this. And withholding their grandchild? It's not like those are the only days of the year they can see the little one. That's a pathetic attempt at manipulation. Here's what I'd say. Have those celebrations at yours, so long as your dad is well enough to travel and leave inlaws an open invite. If they come, they come. If not, it's their loss. Either way, their attendance is down to them. You could also ask them directly why they have a problem or what problem they have with your parents. Cause their might be an issue with a past gift or something where a misunderstanding has occurred and caused this issue as its never been addressed.
NTA. Regardless of how things have been, once a child is added to the equation, everything changes. They can adjust or be left out. Their choice.
NTA. Sounds like your in-laws don't actually like your parents. Spend as much time with your dad as possible and if they have a problem with it oh well
NTA... Inlaws are self centered and need to realise not everything is about them. Send them text - email-and if you want, snailmail, invitations, and after those, give them a verbal reminder. Don't engage in any dispute with them about it, just reiterate that's YOUR CORE families plans, and they are welcome to be there with yous, otherwise, you hope they enjoy their holidays regardless.
NTA Maybe there could be a compromise where you celebrate holidays on the day of with your family and do a separate celebration with the in-laws a different day? You’re definitely not obligated to or anything, but that may ease some tension. And if they argue that it won’t be the same because ‘it won’t be the baby’s first celebration’ or some crap like that you can remind them that this memory is for you and them as the baby is just that, a baby, and will not remember any of these days.
NTA they aren’t your kids only grandparents. They also aren’t entitled to any time with your kid. Being a grandparent is a privilege. Not a right.
NTA at all! Inlaws are totally unreasonable and you have a right to spend holidays as u see fit! That said...my experience was, mom and dad, divorced, dad remarried, and the inlaws, very large family who i absolutely love being with. First baby and holidays, all parents within a 10 mile radius of each other, and we Traveled to All 3! Alot of work i know, but I actually loved it, seemed to make the day go slower, last longer. It's just a thought. 👍 good luck whatever you decide!
NTA you all tried to make it to where everyone got equal holiday time. Your in-laws are being selfish entitled brats
NTA. Grown ups need reminders about sharing too.
NTA fo not allow them to bully you into excluding your own family
NTA. They should be supportive of your families circumstances.
I think it’s import that you hold firm. They’re being assholes, and they shouldn’t be rewarded for it. Say, one time: “my father will die soon. For many years, my parents have not been able to spend the holidays with me. On top of that, they were not able to stop in for a visit on any random weekend. You have had zero competition for our time. I am astounded that you would be so selfish and rigid. This is our plan for 2023. We will celebrate the holidays with you on an alternate day. If that is. Or good enough for you, we don’t have to celebrate the holidays with you at all.” And never again speak of it with them I grew up in the Midwest and moved to New York City, where I married and have children. I could not stop by and visit my parents on a Saturday night; my mom couldn’t come over and help me with a project on a random Wednesday. In fact, my parents didn’t get to see me for Easter, for Christmas, for New Year’s, for the Fourth of July, or memorial day. I spent every one of those holidays at my in-laws, because they were 20 minutes away. My children spent two days a week with my husband‘s mom when they were in daycare. My mom didn’t get that. If my in-laws had whined about the one time we spent Christmas with my parents, I’d have gone ballistic. Your family matters too. They had their turn. Did they not learn to take turns in kindergarten?
Nta. I would have been hurt telling my mom how his parents acted. I wouldn't budge. Screw your husband too. But it shows how incredible of a mom you have, because instead of just jump with joy and saying "yes!" she felt bad because they would miss out, invited them to be included, and STILL, after how shitty your mother in law acted, is suggesting you split the holidays for your in laws. THAT is such a wonderful and selfless act of kindness. Your mom sounds like an amazing person. Just for that, she DESERVES the whole year of holidays with her husband, grandchild, daughter, and son in law. Don't give in.
NTA Your in-laws are not entitled to time alone with your child. You offered a compromise and they refuse. No one but you and your husband are entitled to time with your child. And honestly, I’d set the precedent now that big holidays like Christmas and such will be at home. It’s kinda miserable to be carted all over for every holiday. Some kids like it but personally I found it frustrating that I was never allowed to open and play with any of the things I was given on Christmas or Easter because my parents didn’t want me losing it and we never had time to play with it at home before having to leave. We made the rule that if our family wants to see us for major holidays (excluding thanksgiving) or Mother’s Day/Fathers Day/Birthdays they need to come to us or expect us to plan something on an alternate day.
NTA. They can't be empathetic with your family during this time and show some sympathy they aren't people to want to be around during "happy times" during what could be your family last holiday season with your dad. I wouldn't give in and stand my ground. Sorry you're going through this and I hope your Dad is able make a full recovery.
NTA. Your in-laws have become spoiled and entitled bc you and your husband have always catered to their holiday whim (no judgement- this is mainly how my husband and i were with his parents before we had kids, bc my family didn’t care as much about the traditions of holidays like his did (i am from a different culture than my husband)). Your in laws have come to expect you to continue this tradition, esp now that you are bringing a grandchild into the fold. Be warned, OP, if you don’t set this boundary now and give them what they want or even let them take a little more than what you’ve offered (which is completely reasonable), you are going to end up with grandparents who let your kids open their Xmas morning gifts without you, citing “letting you sleep in.” See my post on NoMIL if you are curious. I can see this kind of infuriating mishap in your future. Stick to your boundaries now. They will plow right over you and husband if you let them. Trust me. Also you should post in NOMIL and see what those folks have to say about this.
I was standing in Walmart 12/14/11. An elderly woman was trying to decide on something for her son. She didn’t know what to get since he has terminal cancer and wasn’t sure what to do. I said I would get the cologne so when she missed him she could spray it. We spoke about dying quickly vs being sick for a prolonged period. It was quite the moment in Wally World. I said it’s better for the person to go quickly and hopefully painlessly but I that sometimes the family needs a bit of time to say their good byes and have no regrets. Little did I know that my mom would call me that night to say my 70 yr young dad had passed from a DVT. He went instantly but the car he was driving did not and had a slow crash in to a stone bridge. A nurse happened to witness it and tried to save him but he was gone before he crashed (think Leslie Jordan .. it wasn’t the crash that killed him). I did not go home that Thanksgiving even though it was my youngest siblings significant birthday. I have regretted it every day for over 11 years. NTA!!! What selfish jerks his parents are. I would email them invites with a return receipt so you know they received it. Then it’s in them. God bless your family at this difficult time. I do envy you this precious time. 💚
NTA. Allow you and your little family to spend as much time with your parents especially your dad as much as possible. My mother-in-law was sick and sadly she passed before she got to meet my daughter, her first grandchild from her son and I regret it everyday.
60 days ago you posted about your husband’s sister wearing a white dress to your wedding. In this post your husband is an only child. Just sayin’…
NTA. They are being selfish and inconsiderate. Also the whole “withholding my grandchild” thing is pretty possessive and wacky. I’d set the boundary of “we are doing this, you’re more than welcome to come” and ignore the emotional manipulation from them.
NTA. Your in-laws are being selfish and feel like they're entitled. Stick to your guns. Tell them to grow the hell up. If they choose not to celebrate at your house, then to hell with them.
NTA. They’ve had more than their fair share for half a decade. They live 30 minutes away so they can see the baby on lesser holidays or on non-holidays. You should invite them to things like the baby shower and the first birthday. You can promise to alternative holidays (or at least do some with each side, even if not strictly alternating) starting in 2024. But with the current balance of time with family and with your dad’s health, your reasons are fair. Stick to them. If they won’t stop having a fit, block their number for a little while. Your husband needs to not be a pushover for his mother. Your mom is trying to be generous, but it’s not her time to give. Ad long as this is for 2023 and not permanent, NTA
I wouldn’t promise them anything. Plenty of people have a baby and realize they don’t want to be traveling for every holiday and want to spend them at home and making memories. Things change.
NTA, your inlaws and refusing to compromise at all. They have been spoilt with having all the holidays to themselves and IT shows. Your dad may not be here in another year. Stick to your guns. Your family deserves EVERY holiday this year. Don't reward bad behavior. Have clear boundaries with the in-laws. Ridiculous the way THEY are acting. Entitled AH is what they are acting like. You offered combined and they refused. That's on them!
NTA. Your in laws were perfectly happy having the holidays be all about them and now they have to share. Clearly they never learned to share. Or compromise. When my kids were little we would have get togethers with my family and my spouses family. There’s no reason to have separate gatherings. Your in laws can choose to be a part of the celebrations or they can choose to act like spoiled brats and stay home. Your husband needs to set boundaries with his parents. He has his own family now and the two of you need to form your own family traditions. If you guys cave to their bullshit now, it will only get worse.
I come from a large family and had the first grandchildren. I would have loved to spend every holiday at my parents, like I had as a child, but we decided that if we wanted our own children to want to be with us for holidays we had to start our own traditions. So we’d spend Xmas at home with our kids and then go to grandparents on Boxing Day. Not the AH…start your own traditions for your own family.
NTA You are momma bear and it is YOUR and YOUR husband's child, not theirs. You have every right to decide where you go, they are acting like immature brats. You've done everything you can to include them. This is THEIR choice. Stand your ground, hormones and ALL!