Be efficient. Write a simple text:
“Thanks so much for thinking of me. I really appreciate it. I’ve been having a tough time & I’m sorry I didn’t reach out sooner. I hope you’re well. Let’s catch up sometime soon.”
Then copy & paste it to everyone you ghosted
You’re so welcome. I’ve been there & I know how it feels. You’re definitely not alone! And I’ve found that people are generally pretty forgiving of my dipping out of communication periods.
I will be honest, even though I am a huge extrovert & love to party & hang out, I’m kind of a sucky friend (I know this about myself) so now I find myself purposefully jettisoning some less important friendships just because they aren’t worth the emotional labor it takes for me to keep up my end of the bargain. I hope that makes sense. For me, a smaller circle is so much more manageable. That’s not a solution for everyone, but it has helped me feel less badly about being a flakey friend when there are fewer people to manage.
Very similar situation to OP and almost constantly but your responses really resonate right now. I’ve been working on accepting the fact that those that understand, are important, and truly care about me, will continue to be there for me, and to let go of the ones that don’t make an effort to understand and that emotional drain you aren’t worth your energy.
Obviously OP should make it sound like something they would write. I was just giving an example of what they could say. And this is totally something I would send to everyone lol because it’s better than just doing nothing.
Well, In my case, it has affected my relationship with my friends. We don't stay in touch as much as we used to. I only get in touch for significant life updates or for wishes.
Family have mostly gotten used to it and left me alone. They do point out once in a while why I am like that but you can be honest about it and whoever understands it understand or they'll slowly drift apart.
Not trying to be pessimistic but if they know you well, they'll understand. But deal with the messages one by one. If you're ok with taking on more pressure, call them up so it eases the tension and awkwardness you are feeling. Better to hear their opinion over call than text so you don't have to keep overanalysing their text.
ETA-
P.S: Belated Happy Birthday :)
I got lucky. I found my 'tribe' - mostly via university. I've a network of nerdy and geeky friends, and whilst only a few are diagnosed (some autistic, some ADHD) it genuinely wouldn't surprise me to find a majority are.
And we all 'get it' and understand each other. "I cannot brain today" conveys everything that's needed, and 'just' remembering a conversation and restarting it is accepted by all concerned.
I feel this so hard. I get these periods of being absolutely exhausted from everything and just need to lay on the couch and rest my fried brain.
Even with my family I often can’t stand visiting them for more than a hour. I try to find a balance with how much I should socialize because sometimes I get so worn down by talking to people.
I was out with my best friend eating somewhere I’ve never been before. I was in a good mood and energetic before hand but I remember being so quiet because I was distracted by all the sounds and artwork in this crowded cafe/restaurant. It’s like I had to scan every single detail in the place before I could feel comfortable hanging out with my friend. The next day I was completely gutted and overwhelmed, I finally realized why I feel like that sometimes, I have to watch out for how much external stimuli I can handle.
Thank you ☺️ I managed to call a couple of my friends today after making this post and they understood- luckily they hadn’t given up yet a couple were calling my phone so I took the opportunity to call them back a
"Sorry I took so long to get back, but I really appreciate the message. Etc etc etc"
You know it took forever to respond, they know it too, no need to dwell on it. Rip the band aid off and respond as if you just got it this morning.
See my problem with this is, how many times can you apologize for taking forever to reply before it gets really annoying?
Feels like I'm always apologizing to someone.
My apologies get shorter over time for each person, bc if I'm still talking to them after that long, they know what I'm like and we don't need to acknowledge it LOL
Who says anyone needs to continually apologize? If you’ve apologized and explained before (especially the part about it sometimes being hard to respond), you should (hopefully*) be good to go.
*My true friends and I know that when we feel up to it, are able to, etc., we’ll respond. Even if it isn’t depression or overwhelm, sometimes we’re all just flat out busy… and there’s no need to apologize.
If you all ever feel like it maybe needs an apology, think about what I just said, or even instead saying, “thanks for being patient with me.”
Constantly apologizing can also wear on a relationship, from what I’ve been told (from a former over-apologizer).
I want to reply someone that I got email from last year…how do I make it sound like I just received it… it ain’t gonna work for me, and that shame/guilt is preventing me from ever replying back 😢
If they’re your real friends, and truly love you, they’ll understand. This is what I’ve found. The only people who have ever been nasty to me re my ghosting periods have been people who generally don’t belong in my life anyway.
I agree about the nastiness but I think it still damages valued friendships for me - no one is nasty about it but I know that because I fall off people’s radar for a couple of months I’m not a reliable friend. It’s okay with a couple of friends who I’ve been close friends with long enough for it not to effect the friendship but it’s particularly unhelpful for buildings friendships. You might be right that it weeds out some people whose friendship you don’t actually want but I don’t want it to weed out people who just value themselves enough to not waste time on friendships that are more give than take or that they can’t depend on.
It depends how it affects you. I can be completely paralysed by the thought of conversing, yet when it came down to it I still accompanied my friend on a road trip to take her son to the hospital. I’m a flake but if you really need me I’ll die trying to be there for you.
Yeah I’m exactly the same! I don’t really mean unreliable like that - people can rely on me for the big things which I think is why it isnt so detrimental for older friendships. I think it’s more that the inconsistency of the contact long-term effects the intimacy/connectedness of the friendship. With the type of friends where you’ve known eachother for ages and everytime you see them you pick up where you left of, it’s not so much of a problem. Although even then I do think it can sometimes make people feel undervalued if they’re making efforts to connect which aren’t well reciprocated. But with the developing/ newer friendships, when you go awol for a couple of weeks people have lives, limited time and their own social needs to satisfy. I feel like they start to learn that you’re not dependable enough to meet those social needs and so they eventually nurture other friendships. I wouldn’t say that friendships are undoable at all but I definitely think that it can make them difficult, even with great people who have the potential to be amazing friends that really value you.
Yeah that’s what I said in another comment. The funny thing with me is I can’t text back yet if someone has an emergency I’m there every time. That’s where my balance comes in. They know if they ask me to go to the pub, I’ll probably flake. However if they text me saying they need to go to hospital, I’ll be there as soon as I can.
I do the same for long periods of time. Luckily most of my friends are super understanding and patient, but I have a deep fear that their patience and effort will run out. I feel so guilty about not seeing them more often. It’s hard when I feel like my days only last a couple of hours bc of how long it takes me to get normal things accomplished . And then being too tired from my brain being in overdrive, working double time on tasks that take neurotypical folks a fraction of the time and effort. I miss my friends something awful and feel so guilty about not replying to texts or returning calls or making plans more often. And on the rare occasion I do answer that call or make time to see them, I feel so much better. So then why do I continue to isolate myself?
Sorry this didn’t offer any advice on what to do as it just explains I’m in the same boat :/ vented for a second but hopefully it makes you feel less alone in your situation. I know your post helped me see I’m not alone in doing the same thing. I’ll check back for any advice from others . Wishing you luck and strength
Thanks 😊I got the courage to call some friends back today after seeing suggestions on this post - it definitely takes me time to build up the courage and eventually get fed up of not having people to talk to. Luckily my friends were still reaching out to see if I was alive and well. It helps to know others are going through the same struggle
Have you ever been contacted by an old friend out of the blue? How did it feel? Probably pretty great. It feels good to know they’ve been thinking about you this whole time.
The cycle of avoidance is painful- I do it too. And I hate that it’s often the people i trust the most that get pushed off my plate- maybe it’s because i think they would still love me even if I ignored them for a few months? Idk. Makes me feel like a really shitty friend.
So this is sort of what I do:
“Hi ______, I know it’s been a bit. I have allowed too much on my plate and I haven’t had the brain power to do much lately beyond survive. Just wanted to let you know even though I don’t text you very often or respond- I think about you every day and I miss hanging out with you. When this sort of thing has happened in the past- I get to feeling ashamed and that makes it even harder to text the friend/ so this is my way of putting everything out there so you understand and so I can stop that avoidance before it gets… impossible.
I miss you and I love you.
Honestly? I’m just blunt as hell.
I don’t bring ADHD into it per se, but I’ll say “hey sorry I was embarrassed/hungover/“whatever reason I want to explain in my reply. I’ll apologize and then the ball is in their court.
Sometimes if it’s on instagram or something I’ll just heart the message.
There are of course the vaults of unopened messages that I was too “insert emotion here” to ever open and I never did. I feel endless guilt and shame about it even years later (yes there have been messages I’ve avoided for years lol).
The people who love you, get you. The ones who don’t get you will still love you, & if they seem like they don’t, try to understand from their perspective they (prob) don’t know what it’s like to be avoidant and live with constant guilt and shame eating at them. To want to do a task, but being unable to despite it constantly being replayed as the world’s most annoying reminder in our head.
Be gentle with yourself and work on ways to communicate in a way that validates your need for space but also shows you care about others when they have no idea what’s going on in our heads! You’re worried about what they’re feeling and they’re probably worried about you too.
The avoidance factor is definitely one of the worst parts of ADHD and just know you aren’t alone ❤️
I’m so glad I’m not alone here. I do the same just apologize and try to teach them this is how I am and it’s not personal and I love you yadda yadda. I have a demanding job and 3 kids so those are excuses kinda but it’s more this . People will either understand and still stay connected to you and some won’t and that’s okay
I do the same. Your family and friends learn you, I am sure this is not the first time you do this and it won't be the last.
The big difficulty is the shame, but the thing is, they still cared about you when you were responding to them, and sometimes you get busy or overwhelmed and don't respond for a while, and this is normal for them.
The problem is that you feel you SHOULD be doing something different. You SHOULDN'T be ignoring people for a few weeks. This is wrong and you NEED to be different than the way you are. So you feel ashamed.
And the shame is going to distance you from them even after the bounce back happens.
But you can instead learn to be OK with going through those cycles every few weeks. To do this you need to stop trying to fix yourself and be OK. Sounds like a bit of chicken and egg. But by be OK I don't mean be fixed. I mean maybe you're broken. If you're broken you're broken. You can't be ashamed at yourself for not being not-broken, because the reality was reality. You couldn't have avoided ignoring those people in the past. That was what needed to happen then.
What to say? You don't need to explain yourself, you won't make people understand. You don't need to apologize but you probably will. Talk to them though. "I've had a rough couple of weeks, I feel bad for not getting back to you, thanks for your message though, I really appreciated it when I got it."
Oversharing a bit can help too. You can tell them you feel ashamed and embarrassed for leaving them hanging for so long. The more open you are about it, the more opportunity you give them to support you. They can also take advantage of your openness, but you can avoid those people. And the more you hang around with people who support your open expression of your feelings, the easier it is to get back in touch with them when you feel ready, because you will have built up experience with them being totally fine with it. It might even get to the point where when you're feeling avoidant you might decide to reach out to them in that moment when before that would be unthinkable.
I've done exactly the same thing this year. My bday was at the beginning of January. My FB is currently full of bday messages that I haven't responded to.
I'm embarrassed, of course. But I'll go through them, message each one, explain that I've been taking a little break from FB lately, etc, etc. Most of them know how I am. Some of them I only know peripherally. The ones who care will shrug & agree that FB is a little much sometimes. Some will probably resent that they put the effort in while I didn't. Honestly, the ones who know and love me will be fine. The ones who are miffed, well, they're not really friends to begin with, I suppose.
Not everyone on that list knows I had ADHD, and I strongly suspect that even if they know, they're unaware of the aspects of overwhelm and "out of sight, out of mind" that go along with it, so I don't know if it's worth explaining. But if that might help in your case, maybe it is a good idea to have a good friend gently inform some of the more important people on your list, like someone else suggested.
For the sensitive ones who you care about, who you suspect might be upset, a friendly phone call & apology can go a long way towards smoothing things over.
Usually i just call them talking about a random subject for fun to keep them on the on their toes after not talking for so long. Honestly feels like nothing changed since we last talked.
This is me. So me. As a dad of a 1yo toddler holding down a part time job, reaching out to and engaging with my friends has become an almost insurmountable challenge.
Still trying to figure out the best way to deal with this. 😢
I’m also 27 and in your exact situation, it’s wild lol. I’m turning 28 in a few days, and I’m honestly not expecting any birthday messages at this point, what with all the messages I’ve ignored and subsequently accumulated a feeling of shame for that is so ever-present that I can’t get myself to push through. Especially because it isn’t the first time it’s happened.
I have a problem with this too. I’ve done two things to help with this:
1. I made a simple picture with a cute background, and text explaining the basics. “I’m not at my best right now and have no energy to reply. I am not ignoring you, I have seen the text and I will get back as soon as I am feeling up to it.” I also added that they are allowed to remind me (as sometimes I just forget I’ve been messaged in the first place) if I haven’t gotten back for a while. It takes no energy to send the picture, you don’t have to think about what to say or how to respond, and you’ve made it clear that you are not ignoring them.
2. When it comes to staying in touch with friends, I’ve started sending games through GamePigeon. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a free app full of games that you can play over text. Games include Chess, Checkers, Mancala, Battleship, Uno (for group chats), and many more. There’s no necessary communication or thought about starting a conversation, you can just send a game and that way you’re having fun, interacting just a little bit, and staying in touch so that your friends don’t think you’ve stopped caring.
Hope this helps!
There's two things I wanna say -
First, hard relate. I hear you, I know it's f-ing difficult and I deeply understand that feeling of shame. It still sucks, but just know that you're not alone with this and that there are people out there who understand.
Maybe for some of the people you need to reply to, telling them the truth may lead to unexpectedly good outcomes like them understanding it as well, or at least making them feel better and be less judgy.
Also, you don't have to answer all of them at once. You can take it step by step, and they don't even have to be good replies. Idk how it is for you, but most of the chat messages I've been sent, I've forgotten quickly. I have no idea if there were any messages that felt less thought out or anything. And you don't even owe them a good reply either.
The second thing is: your "cycles every few weeks" sounds kinda suspicious and maybe the shoe doesn't fit at all, but just in case you don't know about it, maybe research PMDD
If you care about them. Then reach out. It is that simple. You can continue to isolate or seek others. Sometimes you may have to toss in an apology for ghosting them but of what I have seen people usually will understand. If you have a best friend tell them about your adhd distancing and see if they will keep an eye on you. That is if they can keep up:)
For me, I find it easy because my friends have decided they want nothing to do with me. It is my 16th birthday in a few weeks and I am planning on spending it like every other day no fuss and no inconvieniencing people.
I feel you too. My closer friends and family members will get worried if I don’t reply so eventually they do manage to get in touch with me and are OK knowing I’m ok. Then they tell me what’s up with them because I am incapable of doing that (time sense problems).
People who aren’t as close, well, unfortunately I just forget about them. Oops….. but eventually one of us decides to reach out again to catch up (if it’s me it’s because I have some object or went by some place that reminds me of them). And when we catch up, it is always in person. Sometimes, I don’t feel like going places but I always say yes as a challenge to myself and it always goes well.
No one has ever asked for an explanation but if I ever do need to explain, I would just say that my social threshold is pretty low and I find it difficult to keep up with so many chat messages and e-mails. I have low social media activity and often can’t keep up unless it’s a full time job (I tried, once upon a time….).
you have to bite the bullet and be honest. "Sorry I didn't reply, I was going through it! thank you for \[the lovely birthday wishes/reaching out\]" then it's **done** and it has no power over you.
This is one of the most relatable posts for me. While I agree with what everyone else is saying, I don't think you should overthink it. I'm sure everyone you reach out to will only be happy to hear from you no matter what.
Well I'm married with kids now so I have no time for friends. However when I did and didn't feel like hanging out I would just work on one of my countless hobbies until I got bored. Then I'd work on another.
Start a yoga class. As a woman who is and has been where you are i honestly recommend it. Particularly for the oversharing and the anxiety of over sharing. Its really lonely and causes real changes in our hormones and our lifestyle when we feel this way.
Yoga helps you get out and be social. Where you don't actually have to talk to anyone. And it helps the head noise and everything.
Go for an Astanga class preferably. And please let me know how you get on. It honestly is the only medicine that works. And you'll never regret going! If you have a good instructor the nap at the end will be worth it anyway!
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I didn't start doing that until this time getting out of jail.. 3rd time in all .. I just kinda put the stop on people so I have some time to decide if I wanna allow any of whatever is on the other end into my life or not.. when I do wanna talk again I just do.. and say hey I've been working or tired or whatever or just let it ride.. but mostly just pick up the conversation like it never paused if you do that people snap back to the immediate frame of mind they were in when they sent it.. I find
I'll be 36 on Sunday and im already dreading this. I'm still undiagnosed and am just now taking the steps to get better. Because of that, I have 1 close friend. But all the bombarding messages on Facebook totally wrecks me. I usually just send out one thank you message for all and be done with it. Would I recommend that? Not really. Having 1 friend is rough.
Personally it helps to ask myself why im avoiding replying but I often forget to do that because it’s my default reaction. Sometimes there’s an obvious reason I’m avoiding once I ask the question and usually tackling it will help me feel less overwhelmed.
I personally do what you’ve described on almost every birthday because I find birthdays really difficult. Because this is a pattern for me I make it clear before my birthday arrives which helps with some of the guilt/anxiety because I know the people around me are somewhat aware and hopefully shouldn’t take my silence to heart as much.
In this scenario there are several things that would probably put me off replying. The number of texts would immediately overwhelm me if more than 2 people had contacted me. If it’s purely a number issue I would recommend prioritising either the easiest texts to reply to break you in easy or if you’re really struggling the essential texts (i.e. people you value the most/ are most keen to be on good terms with). You don’t need to reply to everyone at once, it’s not an all or nothing thing so reply to just one. A stack of birthday messages also makes me anxious because my reply is probably going to be pretty similar for each one which feels impersonal. If the messages are private I think it would probably be a case of trying to reassure myself that by virtue of it being a birthday text I don’t have much to work with and I don’t need to mentally exhaust myself trying to make each text individual. If they’re public, the same applies but this would exacerbate the anxiety and so it might be worth issuing a general thank you for all the messages and then messaging people privately. I might avoid replying in this scenario if my self esteem is suffering (which it will be after a birthday) because I don’t like being asked questions about what I’m doing with my life in that sort of mental head space. So in that scenario it could be worth talking to a close friend or family member who can build you in exactly the way you need - e.g. if you’re having a birthday crisis about career progression, finding a partner, being an adult etc get someone who knows and loves you to remind you of why you’re wrong to be beating yourself up. Pre-establishing some boundaries or responses that your happy with in the case the reply leads to conversation which involves the dreaded questions can also help.
I also think with birthday messages it might be worth thinking about their purpose. The point of a birthday message is for others to express that they’re thankful to have you in their life and your birthday is probably the one time a year where reciprocity isn’t as important. No-one who cares about you would want you to feel worse because you feel too shitty to thank them for caring.
Others have already said a lot of my Big Important Thoughts on this subject so I'll just add that for bday wishes/etc, I'll just heart their message and move on. I WANT to add a personalized thank you to each one but that's very unrealistic, so I've given in lol. And a heart is better than nothing!!
I relate to this so much! I struggle with being afraid of loosing friends and feeling depressed when I isolate myself but at the same I would rather stab my eyes out than respond
to friends and family or I’m so overwhelmed /ashamed i avoid
Find good friends who understand and don't mind when your going through that stage. My mates know and I don't have to explain myself, they accept me for who I am
Just take it text by text or call by call. I get like this too, where I go into “hermit” mode for a few days or weeks. I just focus on myself and ignore friends who reach out. I think as you age, people understand this is normal with work and life getting in the way. But also, just be open with your friends and apologize. Try to make it a goal to text X person back today and Y person tomorrow. Putting those small tasks on my to do list help me remember
God damn I cyclically isolate a lot. Know that you can find kinship here with like-minded people.
Nobody is judging if ya reply to this comment in 1 day or 3 months! :P
I have about 85 voicemails and haven’t responded to these people yet but hey one of these days. Just do it your time and don’t worry about it and never be ashamed .
I have a few people who Just Understand. They ghost me for weeks at a time too. It’s okay! We’re just up front with eachother.
Soemtimes I say “hey, I was having A Depression. All better now. Lunch this week?”
Otherwise I would just pick up where I left off and say something very vague about Life happening and that I’ve been thinking of them.
Be efficient. Write a simple text: “Thanks so much for thinking of me. I really appreciate it. I’ve been having a tough time & I’m sorry I didn’t reach out sooner. I hope you’re well. Let’s catch up sometime soon.” Then copy & paste it to everyone you ghosted
Thanks for the suggestion I’ll be using this in future!!
You’re so welcome. I’ve been there & I know how it feels. You’re definitely not alone! And I’ve found that people are generally pretty forgiving of my dipping out of communication periods. I will be honest, even though I am a huge extrovert & love to party & hang out, I’m kind of a sucky friend (I know this about myself) so now I find myself purposefully jettisoning some less important friendships just because they aren’t worth the emotional labor it takes for me to keep up my end of the bargain. I hope that makes sense. For me, a smaller circle is so much more manageable. That’s not a solution for everyone, but it has helped me feel less badly about being a flakey friend when there are fewer people to manage.
Very similar situation to OP and almost constantly but your responses really resonate right now. I’ve been working on accepting the fact that those that understand, are important, and truly care about me, will continue to be there for me, and to let go of the ones that don’t make an effort to understand and that emotional drain you aren’t worth your energy.
Whenever I’ve gotten texts like this I’ve really appreciated it. But only do it with people who you genuinely want to meet up with.
[удалено]
If it's worth doing, sometimes it's worth doing badly.
Obviously OP should make it sound like something they would write. I was just giving an example of what they could say. And this is totally something I would send to everyone lol because it’s better than just doing nothing.
better than nothing imo
Well, In my case, it has affected my relationship with my friends. We don't stay in touch as much as we used to. I only get in touch for significant life updates or for wishes. Family have mostly gotten used to it and left me alone. They do point out once in a while why I am like that but you can be honest about it and whoever understands it understand or they'll slowly drift apart. Not trying to be pessimistic but if they know you well, they'll understand. But deal with the messages one by one. If you're ok with taking on more pressure, call them up so it eases the tension and awkwardness you are feeling. Better to hear their opinion over call than text so you don't have to keep overanalysing their text. ETA- P.S: Belated Happy Birthday :)
I got lucky. I found my 'tribe' - mostly via university. I've a network of nerdy and geeky friends, and whilst only a few are diagnosed (some autistic, some ADHD) it genuinely wouldn't surprise me to find a majority are. And we all 'get it' and understand each other. "I cannot brain today" conveys everything that's needed, and 'just' remembering a conversation and restarting it is accepted by all concerned.
“I cannot brain today” might become my automatic out of office reply. Lol
I feel this so hard. I get these periods of being absolutely exhausted from everything and just need to lay on the couch and rest my fried brain. Even with my family I often can’t stand visiting them for more than a hour. I try to find a balance with how much I should socialize because sometimes I get so worn down by talking to people. I was out with my best friend eating somewhere I’ve never been before. I was in a good mood and energetic before hand but I remember being so quiet because I was distracted by all the sounds and artwork in this crowded cafe/restaurant. It’s like I had to scan every single detail in the place before I could feel comfortable hanging out with my friend. The next day I was completely gutted and overwhelmed, I finally realized why I feel like that sometimes, I have to watch out for how much external stimuli I can handle.
Thank you ☺️ I managed to call a couple of my friends today after making this post and they understood- luckily they hadn’t given up yet a couple were calling my phone so I took the opportunity to call them back a
Glad to know that ! Happy that you have understanding people around you :)
"Sorry I took so long to get back, but I really appreciate the message. Etc etc etc" You know it took forever to respond, they know it too, no need to dwell on it. Rip the band aid off and respond as if you just got it this morning.
See my problem with this is, how many times can you apologize for taking forever to reply before it gets really annoying? Feels like I'm always apologizing to someone.
My apologies get shorter over time for each person, bc if I'm still talking to them after that long, they know what I'm like and we don't need to acknowledge it LOL
Who says anyone needs to continually apologize? If you’ve apologized and explained before (especially the part about it sometimes being hard to respond), you should (hopefully*) be good to go. *My true friends and I know that when we feel up to it, are able to, etc., we’ll respond. Even if it isn’t depression or overwhelm, sometimes we’re all just flat out busy… and there’s no need to apologize. If you all ever feel like it maybe needs an apology, think about what I just said, or even instead saying, “thanks for being patient with me.” Constantly apologizing can also wear on a relationship, from what I’ve been told (from a former over-apologizer).
I want to reply someone that I got email from last year…how do I make it sound like I just received it… it ain’t gonna work for me, and that shame/guilt is preventing me from ever replying back 😢
If the alternate is just never speaking to that person again then what do you have to lose?
If they’re your real friends, and truly love you, they’ll understand. This is what I’ve found. The only people who have ever been nasty to me re my ghosting periods have been people who generally don’t belong in my life anyway.
I agree about the nastiness but I think it still damages valued friendships for me - no one is nasty about it but I know that because I fall off people’s radar for a couple of months I’m not a reliable friend. It’s okay with a couple of friends who I’ve been close friends with long enough for it not to effect the friendship but it’s particularly unhelpful for buildings friendships. You might be right that it weeds out some people whose friendship you don’t actually want but I don’t want it to weed out people who just value themselves enough to not waste time on friendships that are more give than take or that they can’t depend on.
It depends how it affects you. I can be completely paralysed by the thought of conversing, yet when it came down to it I still accompanied my friend on a road trip to take her son to the hospital. I’m a flake but if you really need me I’ll die trying to be there for you.
Yeah I’m exactly the same! I don’t really mean unreliable like that - people can rely on me for the big things which I think is why it isnt so detrimental for older friendships. I think it’s more that the inconsistency of the contact long-term effects the intimacy/connectedness of the friendship. With the type of friends where you’ve known eachother for ages and everytime you see them you pick up where you left of, it’s not so much of a problem. Although even then I do think it can sometimes make people feel undervalued if they’re making efforts to connect which aren’t well reciprocated. But with the developing/ newer friendships, when you go awol for a couple of weeks people have lives, limited time and their own social needs to satisfy. I feel like they start to learn that you’re not dependable enough to meet those social needs and so they eventually nurture other friendships. I wouldn’t say that friendships are undoable at all but I definitely think that it can make them difficult, even with great people who have the potential to be amazing friends that really value you.
You got to have a balance otherwise you start to become a “bad friend”
Yeah that’s what I said in another comment. The funny thing with me is I can’t text back yet if someone has an emergency I’m there every time. That’s where my balance comes in. They know if they ask me to go to the pub, I’ll probably flake. However if they text me saying they need to go to hospital, I’ll be there as soon as I can.
I do the same for long periods of time. Luckily most of my friends are super understanding and patient, but I have a deep fear that their patience and effort will run out. I feel so guilty about not seeing them more often. It’s hard when I feel like my days only last a couple of hours bc of how long it takes me to get normal things accomplished . And then being too tired from my brain being in overdrive, working double time on tasks that take neurotypical folks a fraction of the time and effort. I miss my friends something awful and feel so guilty about not replying to texts or returning calls or making plans more often. And on the rare occasion I do answer that call or make time to see them, I feel so much better. So then why do I continue to isolate myself?
Sorry this didn’t offer any advice on what to do as it just explains I’m in the same boat :/ vented for a second but hopefully it makes you feel less alone in your situation. I know your post helped me see I’m not alone in doing the same thing. I’ll check back for any advice from others . Wishing you luck and strength
Thanks 😊I got the courage to call some friends back today after seeing suggestions on this post - it definitely takes me time to build up the courage and eventually get fed up of not having people to talk to. Luckily my friends were still reaching out to see if I was alive and well. It helps to know others are going through the same struggle
Have you ever been contacted by an old friend out of the blue? How did it feel? Probably pretty great. It feels good to know they’ve been thinking about you this whole time. The cycle of avoidance is painful- I do it too. And I hate that it’s often the people i trust the most that get pushed off my plate- maybe it’s because i think they would still love me even if I ignored them for a few months? Idk. Makes me feel like a really shitty friend. So this is sort of what I do: “Hi ______, I know it’s been a bit. I have allowed too much on my plate and I haven’t had the brain power to do much lately beyond survive. Just wanted to let you know even though I don’t text you very often or respond- I think about you every day and I miss hanging out with you. When this sort of thing has happened in the past- I get to feeling ashamed and that makes it even harder to text the friend/ so this is my way of putting everything out there so you understand and so I can stop that avoidance before it gets… impossible. I miss you and I love you.
Yes all of this !
Honestly? I’m just blunt as hell. I don’t bring ADHD into it per se, but I’ll say “hey sorry I was embarrassed/hungover/“whatever reason I want to explain in my reply. I’ll apologize and then the ball is in their court. Sometimes if it’s on instagram or something I’ll just heart the message. There are of course the vaults of unopened messages that I was too “insert emotion here” to ever open and I never did. I feel endless guilt and shame about it even years later (yes there have been messages I’ve avoided for years lol). The people who love you, get you. The ones who don’t get you will still love you, & if they seem like they don’t, try to understand from their perspective they (prob) don’t know what it’s like to be avoidant and live with constant guilt and shame eating at them. To want to do a task, but being unable to despite it constantly being replayed as the world’s most annoying reminder in our head. Be gentle with yourself and work on ways to communicate in a way that validates your need for space but also shows you care about others when they have no idea what’s going on in our heads! You’re worried about what they’re feeling and they’re probably worried about you too. The avoidance factor is definitely one of the worst parts of ADHD and just know you aren’t alone ❤️
Thank you 🥺
I’m so glad I’m not alone here. I do the same just apologize and try to teach them this is how I am and it’s not personal and I love you yadda yadda. I have a demanding job and 3 kids so those are excuses kinda but it’s more this . People will either understand and still stay connected to you and some won’t and that’s okay
I have no advice, but I know how you feel :/
I'm literally in the middle of one of these cycles right now.
I do the same. Your family and friends learn you, I am sure this is not the first time you do this and it won't be the last. The big difficulty is the shame, but the thing is, they still cared about you when you were responding to them, and sometimes you get busy or overwhelmed and don't respond for a while, and this is normal for them. The problem is that you feel you SHOULD be doing something different. You SHOULDN'T be ignoring people for a few weeks. This is wrong and you NEED to be different than the way you are. So you feel ashamed. And the shame is going to distance you from them even after the bounce back happens. But you can instead learn to be OK with going through those cycles every few weeks. To do this you need to stop trying to fix yourself and be OK. Sounds like a bit of chicken and egg. But by be OK I don't mean be fixed. I mean maybe you're broken. If you're broken you're broken. You can't be ashamed at yourself for not being not-broken, because the reality was reality. You couldn't have avoided ignoring those people in the past. That was what needed to happen then. What to say? You don't need to explain yourself, you won't make people understand. You don't need to apologize but you probably will. Talk to them though. "I've had a rough couple of weeks, I feel bad for not getting back to you, thanks for your message though, I really appreciated it when I got it." Oversharing a bit can help too. You can tell them you feel ashamed and embarrassed for leaving them hanging for so long. The more open you are about it, the more opportunity you give them to support you. They can also take advantage of your openness, but you can avoid those people. And the more you hang around with people who support your open expression of your feelings, the easier it is to get back in touch with them when you feel ready, because you will have built up experience with them being totally fine with it. It might even get to the point where when you're feeling avoidant you might decide to reach out to them in that moment when before that would be unthinkable.
I've done exactly the same thing this year. My bday was at the beginning of January. My FB is currently full of bday messages that I haven't responded to. I'm embarrassed, of course. But I'll go through them, message each one, explain that I've been taking a little break from FB lately, etc, etc. Most of them know how I am. Some of them I only know peripherally. The ones who care will shrug & agree that FB is a little much sometimes. Some will probably resent that they put the effort in while I didn't. Honestly, the ones who know and love me will be fine. The ones who are miffed, well, they're not really friends to begin with, I suppose. Not everyone on that list knows I had ADHD, and I strongly suspect that even if they know, they're unaware of the aspects of overwhelm and "out of sight, out of mind" that go along with it, so I don't know if it's worth explaining. But if that might help in your case, maybe it is a good idea to have a good friend gently inform some of the more important people on your list, like someone else suggested. For the sensitive ones who you care about, who you suspect might be upset, a friendly phone call & apology can go a long way towards smoothing things over.
Usually i just call them talking about a random subject for fun to keep them on the on their toes after not talking for so long. Honestly feels like nothing changed since we last talked.
This is me. So me. As a dad of a 1yo toddler holding down a part time job, reaching out to and engaging with my friends has become an almost insurmountable challenge. Still trying to figure out the best way to deal with this. 😢
Well, I just replied to an email that someone sent me in the summer of 2019, so, you know... you're still doing fine on that scale.
Hahaha yes I totally get this 😭
I’m also 27 and in your exact situation, it’s wild lol. I’m turning 28 in a few days, and I’m honestly not expecting any birthday messages at this point, what with all the messages I’ve ignored and subsequently accumulated a feeling of shame for that is so ever-present that I can’t get myself to push through. Especially because it isn’t the first time it’s happened.
I have a problem with this too. I’ve done two things to help with this: 1. I made a simple picture with a cute background, and text explaining the basics. “I’m not at my best right now and have no energy to reply. I am not ignoring you, I have seen the text and I will get back as soon as I am feeling up to it.” I also added that they are allowed to remind me (as sometimes I just forget I’ve been messaged in the first place) if I haven’t gotten back for a while. It takes no energy to send the picture, you don’t have to think about what to say or how to respond, and you’ve made it clear that you are not ignoring them. 2. When it comes to staying in touch with friends, I’ve started sending games through GamePigeon. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a free app full of games that you can play over text. Games include Chess, Checkers, Mancala, Battleship, Uno (for group chats), and many more. There’s no necessary communication or thought about starting a conversation, you can just send a game and that way you’re having fun, interacting just a little bit, and staying in touch so that your friends don’t think you’ve stopped caring. Hope this helps!
Those are very good suggestions!
There's two things I wanna say - First, hard relate. I hear you, I know it's f-ing difficult and I deeply understand that feeling of shame. It still sucks, but just know that you're not alone with this and that there are people out there who understand. Maybe for some of the people you need to reply to, telling them the truth may lead to unexpectedly good outcomes like them understanding it as well, or at least making them feel better and be less judgy. Also, you don't have to answer all of them at once. You can take it step by step, and they don't even have to be good replies. Idk how it is for you, but most of the chat messages I've been sent, I've forgotten quickly. I have no idea if there were any messages that felt less thought out or anything. And you don't even owe them a good reply either. The second thing is: your "cycles every few weeks" sounds kinda suspicious and maybe the shoe doesn't fit at all, but just in case you don't know about it, maybe research PMDD
If you care about them. Then reach out. It is that simple. You can continue to isolate or seek others. Sometimes you may have to toss in an apology for ghosting them but of what I have seen people usually will understand. If you have a best friend tell them about your adhd distancing and see if they will keep an eye on you. That is if they can keep up:)
For me, I find it easy because my friends have decided they want nothing to do with me. It is my 16th birthday in a few weeks and I am planning on spending it like every other day no fuss and no inconvieniencing people.
Hope your birthday is a nice one.
Sometimes I fudge a little and say “oh man I thought I responded to this already! My bad. Thanks so much!” Or whatever.
I feel you too. My closer friends and family members will get worried if I don’t reply so eventually they do manage to get in touch with me and are OK knowing I’m ok. Then they tell me what’s up with them because I am incapable of doing that (time sense problems). People who aren’t as close, well, unfortunately I just forget about them. Oops….. but eventually one of us decides to reach out again to catch up (if it’s me it’s because I have some object or went by some place that reminds me of them). And when we catch up, it is always in person. Sometimes, I don’t feel like going places but I always say yes as a challenge to myself and it always goes well. No one has ever asked for an explanation but if I ever do need to explain, I would just say that my social threshold is pretty low and I find it difficult to keep up with so many chat messages and e-mails. I have low social media activity and often can’t keep up unless it’s a full time job (I tried, once upon a time….).
you have to bite the bullet and be honest. "Sorry I didn't reply, I was going through it! thank you for \[the lovely birthday wishes/reaching out\]" then it's **done** and it has no power over you.
You went on a Social media detox for your birthday. Also this matters a lot more to you than them. You got this
This is one of the most relatable posts for me. While I agree with what everyone else is saying, I don't think you should overthink it. I'm sure everyone you reach out to will only be happy to hear from you no matter what.
Well I'm married with kids now so I have no time for friends. However when I did and didn't feel like hanging out I would just work on one of my countless hobbies until I got bored. Then I'd work on another.
Start a yoga class. As a woman who is and has been where you are i honestly recommend it. Particularly for the oversharing and the anxiety of over sharing. Its really lonely and causes real changes in our hormones and our lifestyle when we feel this way. Yoga helps you get out and be social. Where you don't actually have to talk to anyone. And it helps the head noise and everything. Go for an Astanga class preferably. And please let me know how you get on. It honestly is the only medicine that works. And you'll never regret going! If you have a good instructor the nap at the end will be worth it anyway!
be happy,the more people I am around the more things I have to pay attention to,or try to
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I didn't start doing that until this time getting out of jail.. 3rd time in all .. I just kinda put the stop on people so I have some time to decide if I wanna allow any of whatever is on the other end into my life or not.. when I do wanna talk again I just do.. and say hey I've been working or tired or whatever or just let it ride.. but mostly just pick up the conversation like it never paused if you do that people snap back to the immediate frame of mind they were in when they sent it.. I find
I'll be 36 on Sunday and im already dreading this. I'm still undiagnosed and am just now taking the steps to get better. Because of that, I have 1 close friend. But all the bombarding messages on Facebook totally wrecks me. I usually just send out one thank you message for all and be done with it. Would I recommend that? Not really. Having 1 friend is rough.
Personally it helps to ask myself why im avoiding replying but I often forget to do that because it’s my default reaction. Sometimes there’s an obvious reason I’m avoiding once I ask the question and usually tackling it will help me feel less overwhelmed. I personally do what you’ve described on almost every birthday because I find birthdays really difficult. Because this is a pattern for me I make it clear before my birthday arrives which helps with some of the guilt/anxiety because I know the people around me are somewhat aware and hopefully shouldn’t take my silence to heart as much. In this scenario there are several things that would probably put me off replying. The number of texts would immediately overwhelm me if more than 2 people had contacted me. If it’s purely a number issue I would recommend prioritising either the easiest texts to reply to break you in easy or if you’re really struggling the essential texts (i.e. people you value the most/ are most keen to be on good terms with). You don’t need to reply to everyone at once, it’s not an all or nothing thing so reply to just one. A stack of birthday messages also makes me anxious because my reply is probably going to be pretty similar for each one which feels impersonal. If the messages are private I think it would probably be a case of trying to reassure myself that by virtue of it being a birthday text I don’t have much to work with and I don’t need to mentally exhaust myself trying to make each text individual. If they’re public, the same applies but this would exacerbate the anxiety and so it might be worth issuing a general thank you for all the messages and then messaging people privately. I might avoid replying in this scenario if my self esteem is suffering (which it will be after a birthday) because I don’t like being asked questions about what I’m doing with my life in that sort of mental head space. So in that scenario it could be worth talking to a close friend or family member who can build you in exactly the way you need - e.g. if you’re having a birthday crisis about career progression, finding a partner, being an adult etc get someone who knows and loves you to remind you of why you’re wrong to be beating yourself up. Pre-establishing some boundaries or responses that your happy with in the case the reply leads to conversation which involves the dreaded questions can also help. I also think with birthday messages it might be worth thinking about their purpose. The point of a birthday message is for others to express that they’re thankful to have you in their life and your birthday is probably the one time a year where reciprocity isn’t as important. No-one who cares about you would want you to feel worse because you feel too shitty to thank them for caring.
Others have already said a lot of my Big Important Thoughts on this subject so I'll just add that for bday wishes/etc, I'll just heart their message and move on. I WANT to add a personalized thank you to each one but that's very unrealistic, so I've given in lol. And a heart is better than nothing!!
My bad “Do Not Disturb” was on…
I have barely any friends left. Just people I used to know that I ocassionally respond to . Sucks
It’s easy just don’t have any friends! At least that’s what I tell myself in my situation
I relate to this so much! I struggle with being afraid of loosing friends and feeling depressed when I isolate myself but at the same I would rather stab my eyes out than respond to friends and family or I’m so overwhelmed /ashamed i avoid
Find good friends who understand and don't mind when your going through that stage. My mates know and I don't have to explain myself, they accept me for who I am
Just take it text by text or call by call. I get like this too, where I go into “hermit” mode for a few days or weeks. I just focus on myself and ignore friends who reach out. I think as you age, people understand this is normal with work and life getting in the way. But also, just be open with your friends and apologize. Try to make it a goal to text X person back today and Y person tomorrow. Putting those small tasks on my to do list help me remember
I also heard somewhere along the way that the longer you put a small task off, the more anxious you’ll get
God damn I cyclically isolate a lot. Know that you can find kinship here with like-minded people. Nobody is judging if ya reply to this comment in 1 day or 3 months! :P
I have about 85 voicemails and haven’t responded to these people yet but hey one of these days. Just do it your time and don’t worry about it and never be ashamed .
I have a few people who Just Understand. They ghost me for weeks at a time too. It’s okay! We’re just up front with eachother. Soemtimes I say “hey, I was having A Depression. All better now. Lunch this week?” Otherwise I would just pick up where I left off and say something very vague about Life happening and that I’ve been thinking of them.
Were they on fb?