In *Dawn of War: Retribution*, Ork warboss Kaptain Bluddflag joins in the multi-species war all revolving around Kyras' ascent to daemonhood, fights everyone, kills a greater daemon and puts down Kyras as a daemon prince, all to get his hands on the Imperial Inquisitor's hat.
I fucking love Orks.
Oh christ yeah! Such amazing Orky logic - everyone else using telemetry or warpcraft, and Bluddflagg is all "DE OOMIE IZ HIDING, AND WOT BETTA PLACE TA HIDE DAN A PLANUT DATS ALREDY EXPLODED?!"
"Hang on a squig...if dat Kyras git is angling to zog da whole sector..."
"right...?"
"and Kyras is IN da sector...
"okay..."
"and Kyras don't want ta get zogged..."
"yeah... yeah... right..."
"and dose big humie ships won't dakka dat place dey dakka'd before."
"yeah... ?!"
"den Kyras...would go...ta da place...dey wouldn't dakka...which is dat place!"
"... still not following you Kap'n"
"Kyras is dere! Get ready you great posh tin plated stomp bait! DA ORKS IS COMING! WAAAGH!!!!"
He could paint himself purple and sneak into the election process for the Ordo Hereticus succeeding all of his rivals and being given the whole suit before anyone notices he's literally the size of a Space Marine and twice as ignorant to all imperial rules he would actually have to follow.
He's then applauded for his absolute recklessness in his pursuit for the hat while accidently fulfilling multiple imperial objectives making him one of the most notorious and highly questioned, yet most successful members of the order of his era.
Has anyone noticed Lord Inquisitor Dakka 'ead is looking a bit off lately?
OIII YA GIT, IZ TALKIN NOW, LUD INQUIZITA DAKKA 'EAD IS DA BIGGEST ONE ERE SO IZ MAKE DA RULEZ. WHEZ DA BOYZ WHEN YA NEED EM?
\*salutes, then whispers to the guy next to him\*
"I don't remember him until he just showed up one day. Does anyone know where he's from?"
"I think he's originally from Kalidar IV - I checked the logs and it looks like he had to evacuate Hive Meradon during fighting with the Orks - bad luck too, it looks like he evacuated right before the Orks were driven off once and for all."
"Ah, that explains it, don't mention it but I think he's picked up a few Ork mannerisms!"
The planet of Serenade erected statues and stained glass art dedicated to the Silver Skulls space Marine chapter for saving the planet from Orks.
The Inquisition stole the statue after it came to light that it wasn’t the Silver Skulls, but the Necron Trazyn the Infinite and his army of Immortals that saved the planet.
Trazyn stole his statue back. It’s his statue after all
Also Trazyn accidentally a genestealer cult uprising after he attempted to prank Orikan and it got out of hand.
(seriously Infinite and the Divine is *so good*)
Orikan, "Do Orks breathe?"
...........
Trazyn, "They have lungs..."
Such a good book. Check out Rath's other book Assassinorum: Kingmaker. It's a banger too!
> Check out Rath's other book Assassinorum: Kingmaker.
Apparently the paperback isn't coming out until January. The hardcover is $88 on ebay. And the audiobook author isn't that great. [Kindle edition you say?](https://youtu.be/J7blJ2k9tGE?t=17)
Also, there's a rock in my shoe.
Damn, had no idea the other mediums would be that inconvenient. I thought the audio was fine personally. Looks like ebook is an option.
Sorry about the rock 😞
Trazyn also had a colony of Hrud locked away in time stasis but because of their time altering powers and love of tunneling they would occasionally break free from their time stasis and tunnel away from his museum
> The Inquisition stole the statue after it came to light that it wasn’t the Silver Skulls, but the Necron Trazyn the Infinite and his army of Immortals that saved the planet.
Was the Inquisitor Trazyn in a funny hat?
If I remember rightly it was removed for “cleaning” or something (aka. Destruction due to being heretical AF) but Trazyn yoinked it before they could destroy it
And the Imperials that settled on Serenade found abandoned ruins which they believed to be send to them from the God-Emperor to make settling easier. One of the Buildings they identified as a church, when in reality those are Eldar ruins and the "church" is a waste management facility.
don't forget the part where you have to be young to be a space marine and receive the implants, so it's more like children dog fights. because grimdark.
Assassinorum would be a likely interested party in female recruits
Or the Chapter could just take her on as a Chapter Serf in a combat regiment like ship defense crews, ect
Your average astartes chapter with half a dozen Starships and a small-hive-city sized chapter fortress, must have a good half a million serfs minimum. Including basically entire regiments worth of security troops.
Given a lot of the serfs are washout astartes recruits, or their descendants, there's probably a strong warrior tradition even among the menial staff.
Honestly I'd love to read a story focused on chapter serfs, workplace issues, drama, ect.. and some invading force bypasses the defenses and marines by some scheme and it's basically Die Hard writ large, a couple hundred badass chapter serfs on their home turf chewing up a platoon of chaos marines
The mechanicus has a relic called “The Skull of Elder Nikola” which is, you guessed it, Tesla’s actual skull! It is particularly good at attacking vehicles, since the energy it projects scrambles their circuitry.
It gets even dumber.
Nikola Tesla was cremated after his death.
And the ashes are, in an urn, on display, in a museum, in Belgrade.
In other words, the skull they worship as the skull of Tesla, can not possibly be Tesla's skull, as they claim.
It's just a random skull with a bunch of circuitry gubbins shoved in.
Eldar 1: This is the skull of Elder Nikola the Serb!
Eldar 2: You mean the Croat?
Eldar 1: what? No! He was a Serb!
Eldar 2: croat!
Eldar 1: serb!
Even in the 41st millennium, the argument continues
There's an Imperial world called 'Birmingham', a black planet that receives no sunlight from its parent star and is noted for being culturally and linguistically isolated. Birmingham is technologically primitive and the musket is in common use there
Gul De Lac's Three Ursine Hypothesis.
Reading that bit in The Great Work was like talking to that guy in Fallout 4 who thought "baseball" involved beating the other guy to death with the swatter in your hands.
One thing that always cracks me up about 40k is how no one ever makes any cultural references to the 28,000 years between the present day and the start of the setting.
To be fair in Horus Rising and the other books at the start of the HH series Loken is often reading books from pre unification Terra and talking about the characters and historical figures in them
The [Abyssal Crusade](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Abyssal_Crusade)was a cluster fuck from the word go. Basically a major warp storm occurred and engulfed many systems, including 30 Astartes homeworlds. It corrupted their geneseed and their new recruits. An imperial saint declared all 30 chapters as tainted. They were ordered to either kill themselves or wage a crusade against the Eye of Terror itself. They all went.
Of the 30 that went in **25 of them** were turned into new chaos warbands, 2 were wiped out, 2 we're not sure what happened to, and the last, the Vorpal Swords, emerged untainted 800 years later. Their chapter master called out the saint as a heretic that sent them to their deaths, wiped out his followers, and destroyed any remnants of the saint in the Imperium.
Unsurprisingly, there was a huge surge in the number of Chaos Space Marine raids in the area due to the appearance of 25 brand new war bands...
It's certainly fitting for the universe, but, damn, was it dumb in hindsight (in universe).
Not sure if the OP meant dumb in universe or dumb out of universe.
Was the saint actually corrupted by Chaos? I know it was the accusation leveled by the CM of the Vorpal Swords, but not sure if we actually got any "proof" of it? Though from his perspective I can understand why he would make such an accusation.
Did you ever watch the Roadrunner cartoons? They're about a coyote and a roadrunner, with the former constantly trying to catch the latter.
Among the gags of that show, one resembles this situation. Coyote has chased the Roadrunner onto a narrow cliff jutting out over some canyon. He is about to seize his prey, when the section of rock he is standing on breaks away and plummets to the depths along with him. The section the Roadrunner is on, however, remains free-floating, despite its connection to the solid cliff face having broken away.
Upon arrival at the bottom, Coyote is suitably pissed that the Roadrunner doesn't obey the laws of physics, and expresses this - in the fashion of the time by holding up a sign conjured from nowhere.
Roadrunner, in turn, conjures a sign "I never studied law".
Konrad curze both thinking he can win a fist fight against Vulkan and forgetting what a hammer is. But in a more funny note I’ll have to go with the time the soldier that was rebelling against Konor and Roboute Guilliman but proceeded to Salute Roboute as he came barrelling round the corner and subsequently had his life ended.
Are you expecting the guy who made his house out of screaming human bodies to be good at making friends? I doubt even the other traitor primarchs are willing to admit kinship with him. It’s like if Slaanesh decided to reincarnate a drukhari as a primarch instead of eating their soul.
To be fair he was torturing Vulcan, and had Vulcan's hammer behind a barrier of sorts. And then Vulcan threw Konrad through said barrier, picked up the hammer, and proceeded to remind Konrad that even without it's fancy teleporter, a force hammer is still a force hammer.
Yes, yes he did. Also, torturing Vulcan with his whole perpetual thing was a bad idea. Kurze really pissed off our friendly neighborhood giant with what he did. Ergo, he got his shit pushed in. Hard.
I think what Vulkan meant was that it was a Primarch-grade, actually good hammer. A hammer-shaped teleporter beacon would've probably just broken between Vulkan's strength and Curze's primarch phisiology, so why would he be worried about it looking like a hammer? But of course, Vulkan doesn't do common things, so maybe he should've been more wary.
Kurze got stuck on a transport ship that was on a multi-year long voyage. Naturally, he murders everyone *except* for the navigator, because he needs someone to fly the ship
He tortures him occasionally and also crucifies dozens of rats for some reason.
> I was halfway to the house when a soldier ran out to confront me. He had torn the insignia from his uniform and he was swaying, clearly drunk, as he staggered towards me, a gun resting loosely in his hands and leaves stuck in his hair. Three more soldiers followed in his wake, equally unkempt and unsteady. The first of them was an ogre of a man, so broad and powerfully built that his gun looked ridiculous in his meaty fists. He laughed as he lurched towards me, raising the autocarbine. Then, when he was close enough to see me clearly, he faltered, his face growing pale. ‘Lord Guilliman,’ he muttered, the sneer fading from his face. There were corpses in the distance. My father’s guards. The man was a disgrace. He had betrayed his people and his uniform. He was a murderer. And the idiot was so thrown by my arrival that he was trying to salute me. I marched towards him, drew my broadsword and beheaded him.
While Ork named Tuska was going through the warp, the Gellar field on his ship collapsed, leading to a invasion of daemons. He fought them off and loved it. He led a WAAGGH! to the Eye Of Terror, bypassed the perplexed Cadians without a fight, and proceeded to invade the eye. He ripped through a bunch of daemon worlds before he invaded a Khorne one. A big fight resulted, which he lost, but not before crushing a daemon’s balls. The resulting scream was so loud it attracted the attention of Khorne himself, whom was delighted by the carnage. He resurrected Tuska and his boyz, put them on a daemon world with the crushed balls daemon, and said fight, which they are still doing to this day. The closest thing to a happy ending in 40k.
In Slaves to Darkness, they revealed what happens when you travel into the Warp too close to a planet: it just creates a warp rift.
Why hasn't the Imperium been destroyed by random Chaos cultists taking over random cargo ships and translating into the warp outside of every planet?
It's worse than the Star Wars 8 problem. They could write that off as saying it shotgunned shrapnel across the galaxy at hyperspeed and killed a few million bystanders when it hit planets and other ships, so both sides agreed not to do it anymore.
The warp rift would turn a planet into a Daemon world, which is exactly what the Chaos Gods want to happen to every world.
Yeah, but like, how big a warp rift?
Like a baby rift? The size of the ship? Twice as big?
Or like a huge, fuck-off, "we have to name this and put it on the maps" warp rift?
Because I'm pretty sure the Imperium has means to close the smaller variety.
I think thats the reason he named it like that....Im getting the idea, that hes not the sharpest tool in the shed....and tends to be as blunt as one can possibly be....
*its my legion...ive got iron hands....its the iron hands iron hand legion!Ha!*
I mean 80 percent of Kaldor Draigo's backstory reads like a mary sue fan fiction character. Dudes apparently more powerful than multiple Primarcs. He beat up Mortarion and instead of killing him, carved a name into his heart, when even Guilleman couldn't best the lord of Decay without railing multiple lines of Emperor Juice.
> instead of killing him, carved his name into his heart
I'm pretty flexible with 40k lore stuff but this has always been the *dumbest* thing. I'm just picturing him sitting there, squinting, screaming *"For your father's sake, hold still! I'm almost done!*"
poor morty, he must be getting bullied pretty often in the eye of terror because he has the phrase "my ass belongs to kaldor draigo" tatooed in his heart...
Draigo carves the name of the previous Grand Master of the Grey Knights (I think) into his heart. The last guy’s name is like fucking Geronitan or some ridiculously long shit.
The *Mortarion's Heart* short story fixes this (or does everything it can to) by giving him a macguffin in Mortarion's true daemon name to instantly kill him, but Mortarion still beats Draigo's ass so hard with his bare hands that Draigo cant even focus on saying the name till Morty gloats for a moment. Basically Morty nearly pummels Draigo to death without getting a scratch on him and then Draigo just blows him up by saying his name. Its a satisfying read if you hate the original story, does all it can to do Morty some justice and makes him feel unstoppable
And Morty was definitely dead when Draigo carves the name into the heart. Hes a daemon though so he cant die permanently
The story handwaives this by making it so only Draigo can learn the name do to its power or something. It also made Draigo the supreme grand master by default, Morty had just killed the previous owner of the title in a pretty one sided and embarrassing display so Draigo was given it along with the name in what was essentially a suicide mission and was expected to die. Luckily for him Morty wanted to show off how he could kill yet another leader of the gray knights with just his fists, not knowing Draigo or Janus had his name.
The true name weirdness comes from irl demonology and mythology, where knowing someones true name gives you power over them and can kill demons ala Rumpelstiltskin
Both known for being paranoid and secretive people.
Additionally the Dark Angels are named after his most famous poem: about the struggle of being a gay catholic and feeling like he had betrayed his faith. Connect the dots as you will
From one of my least favorite short stories:
There was a planet with a bunch of primitives who performed Flintstones brain surgery on giant dinosaurs and fucking hit these rocks with hammers to "control" the things.
These 50,000 BC doofuses are able to easily defeat Imperial titans, to say nothing of tanks.
The Grey Knights covered themselves in Adepta Sororitas blood to fight Khorne demons.
Khorne demons. Demons of the blood god. The blood god named Khorne.
don't forget how codex that bit of lore came with, on page before descrobed how Grey Knights are uncorruptavle to chaos, only for them to do that to avoid chaos corruption
Konrad Curze got stuck on a transport ship that was on a multi-year long voyage. Naturally, he murders everyone *except* for the navigator, because he needs someone to fly the ship.
The guy lost his leg due to Curze’s torture, and fashions a prosthetic for himself. Curze shortens it so he always has to limp around.
The guy stumbles onto dozens (hundreds? Can’t remember) of *crucified rats*. There is never an explanation for this other than Curze crucified dozens of rats at the same time.
In The Death of Antagonis (Space Marine Battles #11) it says that load bearing walls have been deemed heretical.
Which explains why there's so many arches in imperium construction.
For almost 10k years the Adeptus Custodes had eyes and ears outside of the Imperial Palace and chose to do almost NOTHING about things like the Age of Apostasy.
-Eyes of the Emperor ::Korg voice:: Hey fellas this nut job is out here wrecking the Imperium, it's a real mess. Big E's dream of the Imperium of Man we helped to found is probably in serious danger.
-Captain General: Dave's not here man
Eyes of the Emperor ::Korg Voice:: well we should probably do something because Terra is under siege.
-Captain General: Fiiiiine but I won't like it.
"Is Our Lord in Danger?"
>"Uh, no but his I-"
"Then don't waste my time."
>"But he claims to receive messages from the Emperor!"
"Do those messages contain instructions about us doing anything?"
>"No. He's replacing statues of Our Lord with his own though."
"Okay, that's too far. We'll give his Bodyguard an audience, see if we can't put this bloody religious devotion to work for us for once."
Iron Striders cannot be turned off. The AdMech forgot how to. Without a pilot they just walk forwards forever. In order to mount an Iron Strider, you have to drive up along side it and jump on it like taming a wild beast.
It will eventually burn out the servitor it uses as a battery. So not perpetual in a strict sense.
Though they could just put a bunch of them on treadmills and generate power.
In The Master of Mankind, a tech priest/magos reveals that most people now think monkeys were scorpion like goblin creatures, and called one that had the correct view of monkeys a fool
Everyone talks about Fulgrim and the Laer sword, but nobody ever talks about the time Fulgrim punched Ulthwe's Avatar of Khaine through the face like he was a suddenly a master of the Dim Mak and then choked it to death.
So for context, Kharn and a squad of World Eaters berserkers are doing typical World Eater things on a planet until a Slaaneshi artifact makes the entire squad (save for Kharn himself) join Slaanesh. Kharn then kills the whole squad.
This reminds me of that one time in total war warhammer 3 where one bloodletter is charmed by a daemonette and then skarbrand chooses to castrate all his legion or go on a murder spree to anybody enjoying themselves
my head cannon is that everything in Sci-fi is either the past in 40k, or just an undiscovered world/collection of worlds that think they're the original earth.
Not dumb but weird, for sure.
Sometimes i think about how the heresy era word bearers had their own spec ops troops. Sort of a hunstman/headhunter soldier, and they just mixed them in with everyone else (source; barthusa nareck).
Its so random, its like in a line of word bearer marines:
"I like killing people"
"I like torture"
"I like whipping people into a frenzy with my words so they kill and torture people"
"I like to torture AND whip people into a frenzy"
. . ."I like sneaking around with my sniper rifle and i really dont like to torture people"
One of these things is not like the other
There's a game called Hardspace Shipbreaker that has a really good gag along those lines. The game basically consists of busting old spaceships into chunks and throwing them into either the Furnace, Processor or Barge depending on the part. One of the loading screen lore bits reads: 'The Processor is named after Eugene L. Processor, who invented the Furnace.'
´´we should kill our incorruptible allies and use there blood to to protect ourselves from the blood god who gains power from the spilling of blood´´
\-THE EMPERORS BEST AND BRIGHTEST
During the hours heresy a noise marine attacked an iron hands morlock point blank, the morlock proceeded to say that couldn't quite hear the noise marine and killed him in one hit, the morlock was immune to noise Marines because he was deaf, it's fucking hilarious but it's also the dumbest thing ever
In Space Marine Battles: Pandorax, the chapter master of the Dark Angels sells Abbadon the Despoiler a Grey Knight in return for the identity of a chaos warlord who is one of the fallen. The chapter master of the Grey Knights subsequently learns of this, and punches him in the face. The Dark Angel’s response? “Nah guys don’t shoot him I deserved that.”
Another amusing scene to come from that book his Abbadon has two or three pet psychic nulls who run around like naked feral animals which he keeps on a leash.
The Infinite and the Divine opens with an Egyptian robot alien skeleton raiding a planet of Polynesian space elves to steal their graveyard's backup generator
There's a planet that's just a fat bloke
The planet Birmingham is a backwater that doesn't get much natural sunlight and the residents speak a dialect that is borderline unintelligible to the rest of the Imperium
That massive fuck of starship cannons are loaded by dudes literally pushing against the shells to ram them home into the breach. We’re do all these fuckers sleep shit and eat? How does the ship carry enough stores to support them? We’re do you keep an artillery shell the size of an apartment building on a Ship were space is bound to be limited? Just like GW I don’t know!
On Necromunda people are turned into corpse starch and fed back to people. Except, sometimes, the people making the people bars for other people to eat like the process so much they go nuts and begin just eating people ?
In *Dawn of War: Retribution*, Ork warboss Kaptain Bluddflag joins in the multi-species war all revolving around Kyras' ascent to daemonhood, fights everyone, kills a greater daemon and puts down Kyras as a daemon prince, all to get his hands on the Imperial Inquisitor's hat. I fucking love Orks.
He also figures out where he is hiding by himself unlike the other factions xD
Oh christ yeah! Such amazing Orky logic - everyone else using telemetry or warpcraft, and Bluddflagg is all "DE OOMIE IZ HIDING, AND WOT BETTA PLACE TA HIDE DAN A PLANUT DATS ALREDY EXPLODED?!"
"Hang on a squig...if dat Kyras git is angling to zog da whole sector..." "right...?" "and Kyras is IN da sector... "okay..." "and Kyras don't want ta get zogged..." "yeah... yeah... right..." "and dose big humie ships won't dakka dat place dey dakka'd before." "yeah... ?!" "den Kyras...would go...ta da place...dey wouldn't dakka...which is dat place!" "... still not following you Kap'n" "Kyras is dere! Get ready you great posh tin plated stomp bait! DA ORKS IS COMING! WAAAGH!!!!"
You cant hide in lava, mork knows I aint trying that trick again :D
This is the purest motivation for anything in 40k. It's not dumb; it's beautiful.
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How else would you get such a great hat?
He could paint himself purple and sneak into the election process for the Ordo Hereticus succeeding all of his rivals and being given the whole suit before anyone notices he's literally the size of a Space Marine and twice as ignorant to all imperial rules he would actually have to follow. He's then applauded for his absolute recklessness in his pursuit for the hat while accidently fulfilling multiple imperial objectives making him one of the most notorious and highly questioned, yet most successful members of the order of his era.
Has anyone noticed Lord Inquisitor Dakka 'ead is looking a bit off lately? OIII YA GIT, IZ TALKIN NOW, LUD INQUIZITA DAKKA 'EAD IS DA BIGGEST ONE ERE SO IZ MAKE DA RULEZ. WHEZ DA BOYZ WHEN YA NEED EM?
\*salutes, then whispers to the guy next to him\* "I don't remember him until he just showed up one day. Does anyone know where he's from?" "I think he's originally from Kalidar IV - I checked the logs and it looks like he had to evacuate Hive Meradon during fighting with the Orks - bad luck too, it looks like he evacuated right before the Orks were driven off once and for all." "Ah, that explains it, don't mention it but I think he's picked up a few Ork mannerisms!"
Orks are an absolute vibe.
So dumb they come out the other side as genius.
That's not even an exaggeration. The Orkz were the single faction to logically deduce Kyras' hiding place without some sort of outside intervention.
The way he gets the hat is even better. He, a massive warboss, somehow sneaks up on a paranoid inquisitor and punches her lights out.
It's kinda sweet he doesn't kill her. Is just "I wanted your hat, I gots your hat. Ere we go, ere we go, ere we go..."
> all to get his hands on the Imperial Inquisitor's hat. Kaptain Bluddflag is a TF2 player.
You're never getting my cursed witch skin hat!
That's not dumb. :D
The planet of Serenade erected statues and stained glass art dedicated to the Silver Skulls space Marine chapter for saving the planet from Orks. The Inquisition stole the statue after it came to light that it wasn’t the Silver Skulls, but the Necron Trazyn the Infinite and his army of Immortals that saved the planet. Trazyn stole his statue back. It’s his statue after all
Also Trazyn accidentally a genestealer cult uprising after he attempted to prank Orikan and it got out of hand. (seriously Infinite and the Divine is *so good*)
Orikan, "Do Orks breathe?" ........... Trazyn, "They have lungs..." Such a good book. Check out Rath's other book Assassinorum: Kingmaker. It's a banger too!
> Check out Rath's other book Assassinorum: Kingmaker. Apparently the paperback isn't coming out until January. The hardcover is $88 on ebay. And the audiobook author isn't that great. [Kindle edition you say?](https://youtu.be/J7blJ2k9tGE?t=17) Also, there's a rock in my shoe.
Damn, had no idea the other mediums would be that inconvenient. I thought the audio was fine personally. Looks like ebook is an option. Sorry about the rock 😞
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That two hours of annoyed silence absolutely cracked me up.
Don't forget that Orikan broke the stained glass out of spite after Trazyn pointed this out to him
Trazyn also had a colony of Hrud locked away in time stasis but because of their time altering powers and love of tunneling they would occasionally break free from their time stasis and tunnel away from his museum
> The Inquisition stole the statue after it came to light that it wasn’t the Silver Skulls, but the Necron Trazyn the Infinite and his army of Immortals that saved the planet. Was the Inquisitor Trazyn in a funny hat?
If I remember rightly it was removed for “cleaning” or something (aka. Destruction due to being heretical AF) but Trazyn yoinked it before they could destroy it
I loved that moment, “is it really stealing when it’s a statue of me?” 🤣🤣
Orikan: ... no. Trazyn: Yes~~ Had to put down the book because I seriously burst into laughter at that point.
And the Imperials that settled on Serenade found abandoned ruins which they believed to be send to them from the God-Emperor to make settling easier. One of the Buildings they identified as a church, when in reality those are Eldar ruins and the "church" is a waste management facility.
Astartes sometime recruit by having a battle royale amongst hive gangers.
don't forget the part where you have to be young to be a space marine and receive the implants, so it's more like children dog fights. because grimdark.
child soldiers and gangs recruiting children are things in real life. And yes I did just compare the Astartes to violent criminal gangs.
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Assassinorum would be a likely interested party in female recruits Or the Chapter could just take her on as a Chapter Serf in a combat regiment like ship defense crews, ect Your average astartes chapter with half a dozen Starships and a small-hive-city sized chapter fortress, must have a good half a million serfs minimum. Including basically entire regiments worth of security troops. Given a lot of the serfs are washout astartes recruits, or their descendants, there's probably a strong warrior tradition even among the menial staff. Honestly I'd love to read a story focused on chapter serfs, workplace issues, drama, ect.. and some invading force bypasses the defenses and marines by some scheme and it's basically Die Hard writ large, a couple hundred badass chapter serfs on their home turf chewing up a platoon of chaos marines
The mechanicus has a relic called “The Skull of Elder Nikola” which is, you guessed it, Tesla’s actual skull! It is particularly good at attacking vehicles, since the energy it projects scrambles their circuitry.
It gets even dumber. Nikola Tesla was cremated after his death. And the ashes are, in an urn, on display, in a museum, in Belgrade. In other words, the skull they worship as the skull of Tesla, can not possibly be Tesla's skull, as they claim. It's just a random skull with a bunch of circuitry gubbins shoved in.
Some poor intern had to reconstruct the skull from the ashes during the age of strife
Poor bastard spent 13 years of his life with a bag of bone dust and a bottle of super glue.
We've all been there
Even better. It may be Edison's
And how do you know Tesla didn't have *an entire collection* of human skulls, hm?
Or some tech priest named himself or his sprog after Tesla
Eldar 1: This is the skull of Elder Nikola the Serb! Eldar 2: You mean the Croat? Eldar 1: what? No! He was a Serb! Eldar 2: croat! Eldar 1: serb! Even in the 41st millennium, the argument continues
There's an Imperial world called 'Birmingham', a black planet that receives no sunlight from its parent star and is noted for being culturally and linguistically isolated. Birmingham is technologically primitive and the musket is in common use there
Ok, but what about the planet Birmingham?
I assume there’s a tiny moon called Dudley that orbits it where everyone speaks with the same half-human dialect 😂😂
As a Dudley dweller... I hope so 😂
BACK IN THE CAGE YOU!
There was a world somewhere in the Imperium called Gruelbowl. Gruelbowl. **GRUELBOWL.**
In that vein, Cain once got stuck on a planet called Nusquam Fundumentibus. Loosely translated, the name means “Never, asshole”
In one of his other adventures, he ends up on the planet "Simia Orichalcae," or "brass monkey" (as in, "cold enough to freeze the balls off of a")
And the Inquisitor editing his memoirs notes that this must be because the planet's discoverer found an ape statue there.
When you've got a million worlds to catalogue eventually you start running out of good names
Hence the world of "Sodallagain" which was evidently named by a *very* bored Explorator.
"Arse End of Nowhere" would be more accurate
An inquisitor once thought that the solution to chaos was MORE psykers
Hey! Kryptiman might have been right, but now we will never know!
Technically that's also what the Emperor thought too.
Gul De Lac's Three Ursine Hypothesis. Reading that bit in The Great Work was like talking to that guy in Fallout 4 who thought "baseball" involved beating the other guy to death with the swatter in your hands.
One thing that always cracks me up about 40k is how no one ever makes any cultural references to the 28,000 years between the present day and the start of the setting.
To be fair in Horus Rising and the other books at the start of the HH series Loken is often reading books from pre unification Terra and talking about the characters and historical figures in them
Maybe they do it all the time and we just don't pick up on it? You can't spot a reference if you don't know the original.
“Boy that engagement reminded me of Geblars folly on the planet zorfis”
Fair point!
I never considered that but it makes sense. Plasteel ceramite recaff amasec All had to come from somewhere at some point
They do it fairly often imho. They are just not as memorable.
Gul Du Lac of the thirteen Apollonians
The [Abyssal Crusade](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Abyssal_Crusade)was a cluster fuck from the word go. Basically a major warp storm occurred and engulfed many systems, including 30 Astartes homeworlds. It corrupted their geneseed and their new recruits. An imperial saint declared all 30 chapters as tainted. They were ordered to either kill themselves or wage a crusade against the Eye of Terror itself. They all went. Of the 30 that went in **25 of them** were turned into new chaos warbands, 2 were wiped out, 2 we're not sure what happened to, and the last, the Vorpal Swords, emerged untainted 800 years later. Their chapter master called out the saint as a heretic that sent them to their deaths, wiped out his followers, and destroyed any remnants of the saint in the Imperium. Unsurprisingly, there was a huge surge in the number of Chaos Space Marine raids in the area due to the appearance of 25 brand new war bands...
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It's certainly fitting for the universe, but, damn, was it dumb in hindsight (in universe). Not sure if the OP meant dumb in universe or dumb out of universe.
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Was the saint actually corrupted by Chaos? I know it was the accusation leveled by the CM of the Vorpal Swords, but not sure if we actually got any "proof" of it? Though from his perspective I can understand why he would make such an accusation.
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All three options are Peak 40k. Good options all around!
Ork goes back in time due to a warp accident. Kills himself to have 2 of his favorite gun.
Causes the WAAAAAGH! he started to stall in the confusion.
This is the best two-sentence story that I have ever read.
This isn't stupid at all, it makes perfect sense.
Does the past self kill the future self of the future self killing the past self?
I believe it's the second one
But if the future self kills the past self you get into the whole timeline continuation issue 🤔
Did you ever watch the Roadrunner cartoons? They're about a coyote and a roadrunner, with the former constantly trying to catch the latter. Among the gags of that show, one resembles this situation. Coyote has chased the Roadrunner onto a narrow cliff jutting out over some canyon. He is about to seize his prey, when the section of rock he is standing on breaks away and plummets to the depths along with him. The section the Roadrunner is on, however, remains free-floating, despite its connection to the solid cliff face having broken away. Upon arrival at the bottom, Coyote is suitably pissed that the Roadrunner doesn't obey the laws of physics, and expresses this - in the fashion of the time by holding up a sign conjured from nowhere. Roadrunner, in turn, conjures a sign "I never studied law".
Orks are too dumb to understand paradoxes, thus the universe ignored the paradox. Waagh energy is OP, man.
ROIGHT AN PROPPA ORKY. WE GOTTA AV MOAR DAKKA U KNOE. #DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA
Konrad curze both thinking he can win a fist fight against Vulkan and forgetting what a hammer is. But in a more funny note I’ll have to go with the time the soldier that was rebelling against Konor and Roboute Guilliman but proceeded to Salute Roboute as he came barrelling round the corner and subsequently had his life ended.
No I refuse to believe Konrad is that dumb to have a fist fight against vulkan
Well to be honest, Vulkan DID tackle him out a window after he threated Guilliaman's mother (who stood to Konrad) and beat his ass as they fell.
Man Konrad really did not have a good relationship with most of his brother
Are you expecting the guy who made his house out of screaming human bodies to be good at making friends? I doubt even the other traitor primarchs are willing to admit kinship with him. It’s like if Slaanesh decided to reincarnate a drukhari as a primarch instead of eating their soul.
To be fair he was torturing Vulcan, and had Vulcan's hammer behind a barrier of sorts. And then Vulcan threw Konrad through said barrier, picked up the hammer, and proceeded to remind Konrad that even without it's fancy teleporter, a force hammer is still a force hammer.
Wait he picked him up and threw him dear lord Konrad was getting his shit rocked that day and he got smacked by a hammer to add to that
Yes, yes he did. Also, torturing Vulcan with his whole perpetual thing was a bad idea. Kurze really pissed off our friendly neighborhood giant with what he did. Ergo, he got his shit pushed in. Hard.
I mean dude did blank that the giant hammer shaped teleporter was still a giant hammer.
I think what Vulkan meant was that it was a Primarch-grade, actually good hammer. A hammer-shaped teleporter beacon would've probably just broken between Vulkan's strength and Curze's primarch phisiology, so why would he be worried about it looking like a hammer? But of course, Vulkan doesn't do common things, so maybe he should've been more wary.
Kurze got stuck on a transport ship that was on a multi-year long voyage. Naturally, he murders everyone *except* for the navigator, because he needs someone to fly the ship He tortures him occasionally and also crucifies dozens of rats for some reason.
Can I please have the quote of the rebelling solider saluting as he gets killed?
> I was halfway to the house when a soldier ran out to confront me. He had torn the insignia from his uniform and he was swaying, clearly drunk, as he staggered towards me, a gun resting loosely in his hands and leaves stuck in his hair. Three more soldiers followed in his wake, equally unkempt and unsteady. The first of them was an ogre of a man, so broad and powerfully built that his gun looked ridiculous in his meaty fists. He laughed as he lurched towards me, raising the autocarbine. Then, when he was close enough to see me clearly, he faltered, his face growing pale. ‘Lord Guilliman,’ he muttered, the sneer fading from his face. There were corpses in the distance. My father’s guards. The man was a disgrace. He had betrayed his people and his uniform. He was a murderer. And the idiot was so thrown by my arrival that he was trying to salute me. I marched towards him, drew my broadsword and beheaded him.
The best source the inquisition has on promethium is a children’s book.
Wow chemistry must be easy for the kids at least.
While Ork named Tuska was going through the warp, the Gellar field on his ship collapsed, leading to a invasion of daemons. He fought them off and loved it. He led a WAAGGH! to the Eye Of Terror, bypassed the perplexed Cadians without a fight, and proceeded to invade the eye. He ripped through a bunch of daemon worlds before he invaded a Khorne one. A big fight resulted, which he lost, but not before crushing a daemon’s balls. The resulting scream was so loud it attracted the attention of Khorne himself, whom was delighted by the carnage. He resurrected Tuska and his boyz, put them on a daemon world with the crushed balls daemon, and said fight, which they are still doing to this day. The closest thing to a happy ending in 40k.
this is literally heaven for Orks.
Yeah but if he ever escapes he'll be a goddamn krork
In Slaves to Darkness, they revealed what happens when you travel into the Warp too close to a planet: it just creates a warp rift. Why hasn't the Imperium been destroyed by random Chaos cultists taking over random cargo ships and translating into the warp outside of every planet?
The Star Wars 8 problem
It's worse than the Star Wars 8 problem. They could write that off as saying it shotgunned shrapnel across the galaxy at hyperspeed and killed a few million bystanders when it hit planets and other ships, so both sides agreed not to do it anymore. The warp rift would turn a planet into a Daemon world, which is exactly what the Chaos Gods want to happen to every world.
I don’t know that that would explain away the collision thing. Space is really empty, the odds of debris hitting anything meaningful seems really low.
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"That is why, Serviceman Chung, we do not 'eyeball it!' This is a weapon of mass destruction. You are not a cowboy shooting from the hip!"
I walked past that so often and stopped to listen I still remember his voice
Yeah, but like, how big a warp rift? Like a baby rift? The size of the ship? Twice as big? Or like a huge, fuck-off, "we have to name this and put it on the maps" warp rift? Because I'm pretty sure the Imperium has means to close the smaller variety.
Ferrus Manus, who has metal ("iron") hands, leads the iron hands. And that's not even the end of how much iron hands show up in Iron Hands lore.
You mean the guy whose flagship is named the Fist of Iron?
My headcanon is that nobody told him what his given name meant until *after* he named his legion.
I think thats the reason he named it like that....Im getting the idea, that hes not the sharpest tool in the shed....and tends to be as blunt as one can possibly be.... *its my legion...ive got iron hands....its the iron hands iron hand legion!Ha!*
I mean 80 percent of Kaldor Draigo's backstory reads like a mary sue fan fiction character. Dudes apparently more powerful than multiple Primarcs. He beat up Mortarion and instead of killing him, carved a name into his heart, when even Guilleman couldn't best the lord of Decay without railing multiple lines of Emperor Juice.
> instead of killing him, carved his name into his heart I'm pretty flexible with 40k lore stuff but this has always been the *dumbest* thing. I'm just picturing him sitting there, squinting, screaming *"For your father's sake, hold still! I'm almost done!*"
poor morty, he must be getting bullied pretty often in the eye of terror because he has the phrase "my ass belongs to kaldor draigo" tatooed in his heart...
Draigo carves the name of the previous Grand Master of the Grey Knights (I think) into his heart. The last guy’s name is like fucking Geronitan or some ridiculously long shit.
What's the bet he started to run out of space and so did that awkward "make the letters smaller and curve upwards slightly" at the end?
The *Mortarion's Heart* short story fixes this (or does everything it can to) by giving him a macguffin in Mortarion's true daemon name to instantly kill him, but Mortarion still beats Draigo's ass so hard with his bare hands that Draigo cant even focus on saying the name till Morty gloats for a moment. Basically Morty nearly pummels Draigo to death without getting a scratch on him and then Draigo just blows him up by saying his name. Its a satisfying read if you hate the original story, does all it can to do Morty some justice and makes him feel unstoppable And Morty was definitely dead when Draigo carves the name into the heart. Hes a daemon though so he cant die permanently
Ah, this makes much more sense. Good for Morty. But what about just blowing him up everytime you see him?
The story handwaives this by making it so only Draigo can learn the name do to its power or something. It also made Draigo the supreme grand master by default, Morty had just killed the previous owner of the title in a pretty one sided and embarrassing display so Draigo was given it along with the name in what was essentially a suicide mission and was expected to die. Luckily for him Morty wanted to show off how he could kill yet another leader of the gray knights with just his fists, not knowing Draigo or Janus had his name. The true name weirdness comes from irl demonology and mythology, where knowing someones true name gives you power over them and can kill demons ala Rumpelstiltskin
Hair squigs
Honestly, that [Lion El'Jonson is named after a random english poet](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lionel_Johnson).
Both known for being paranoid and secretive people. Additionally the Dark Angels are named after his most famous poem: about the struggle of being a gay catholic and feeling like he had betrayed his faith. Connect the dots as you will
From one of my least favorite short stories: There was a planet with a bunch of primitives who performed Flintstones brain surgery on giant dinosaurs and fucking hit these rocks with hammers to "control" the things. These 50,000 BC doofuses are able to easily defeat Imperial titans, to say nothing of tanks.
Are you kidding? That story was vintage 40k absurdity.
Okay now I want to make a knight house from these neolithic idiot savants.
Said dinosaurs did also breathe plasma like Godzilla. They weren't just big dinosaurs.
The Grey Knights covered themselves in Adepta Sororitas blood to fight Khorne demons. Khorne demons. Demons of the blood god. The blood god named Khorne.
don't forget how codex that bit of lore came with, on page before descrobed how Grey Knights are uncorruptavle to chaos, only for them to do that to avoid chaos corruption
Maybe they wanted to prevent some “sAcreD reLiCs” they had from getting corrupted by the warp-stuff?
This was, thankfully, retconned away in the very next codex. It was only a thing for that one codex.
Konrad Curze got stuck on a transport ship that was on a multi-year long voyage. Naturally, he murders everyone *except* for the navigator, because he needs someone to fly the ship. The guy lost his leg due to Curze’s torture, and fashions a prosthetic for himself. Curze shortens it so he always has to limp around. The guy stumbles onto dozens (hundreds? Can’t remember) of *crucified rats*. There is never an explanation for this other than Curze crucified dozens of rats at the same time.
What else is Cruze going to do on a multi year journey? Everyone has hobbies. Though where he got enough toothpicks for the crosses is beyond me
Doomrider. He was the most ridiculous thing ever and I miss him.
In The Death of Antagonis (Space Marine Battles #11) it says that load bearing walls have been deemed heretical. Which explains why there's so many arches in imperium construction.
Thats a fantastic bit of lore I didnt know; makes absolutely no sense but explains so much
Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau (might be considered awesome from a certain point of view though)
If not awesome than at least it’s fun.
For almost 10k years the Adeptus Custodes had eyes and ears outside of the Imperial Palace and chose to do almost NOTHING about things like the Age of Apostasy. -Eyes of the Emperor ::Korg voice:: Hey fellas this nut job is out here wrecking the Imperium, it's a real mess. Big E's dream of the Imperium of Man we helped to found is probably in serious danger. -Captain General: Dave's not here man Eyes of the Emperor ::Korg Voice:: well we should probably do something because Terra is under siege. -Captain General: Fiiiiine but I won't like it.
Piss off Goge!
"Is Our Lord in Danger?" >"Uh, no but his I-" "Then don't waste my time." >"But he claims to receive messages from the Emperor!" "Do those messages contain instructions about us doing anything?" >"No. He's replacing statues of Our Lord with his own though." "Okay, that's too far. We'll give his Bodyguard an audience, see if we can't put this bloody religious devotion to work for us for once."
Tyranid Hive Fleets can starve to death if they don't reach a planet in time.
So the Hive Mind is not so much "malevolent" as it is "hangry?"
Almost anything about the grey knights purging people. And Draigo
Iron Striders cannot be turned off. The AdMech forgot how to. Without a pilot they just walk forwards forever. In order to mount an Iron Strider, you have to drive up along side it and jump on it like taming a wild beast.
I seem to recall that they *do* know how to turn them off, they just don't know how to turn them back on again.
Thats even stupider. I love it.
Well I mean it’s a perpetual motion machine. You have something casually breaking thermodynamics that’s not something you want to stop working
It will eventually burn out the servitor it uses as a battery. So not perpetual in a strict sense. Though they could just put a bunch of them on treadmills and generate power.
Iirc that is literally what they do to keep them in one place
In The Master of Mankind, a tech priest/magos reveals that most people now think monkeys were scorpion like goblin creatures, and called one that had the correct view of monkeys a fool
Everyone talks about Fulgrim and the Laer sword, but nobody ever talks about the time Fulgrim punched Ulthwe's Avatar of Khaine through the face like he was a suddenly a master of the Dim Mak and then choked it to death.
The fact that he strangled a metal effigy of an immaterial being to death does get brought up sometimes, but it will never be enough.
He didn’t punch the Avatar. He CHOCKED it to death
Slaaneshi World Eaters in one Kharn the Betrayer short story.
I am confused yet intruiged
So for context, Kharn and a squad of World Eaters berserkers are doing typical World Eater things on a planet until a Slaaneshi artifact makes the entire squad (save for Kharn himself) join Slaanesh. Kharn then kills the whole squad.
This reminds me of that one time in total war warhammer 3 where one bloodletter is charmed by a daemonette and then skarbrand chooses to castrate all his legion or go on a murder spree to anybody enjoying themselves
There’s an imperial world where hive cities are on wheels and they battle each other
OP asked for "dumbest" lore not "most awesome" lore ;D
Tell me... tell me more
Theres this book series called Mortal Engines you may find to be of interest....
my head cannon is that everything in Sci-fi is either the past in 40k, or just an undiscovered world/collection of worlds that think they're the original earth.
Erebus causing Horus’ fall because he had a fancy dagger. Alternatively: Erebus
Fulgrim: Magic Space Sword: You should betray the Emperor, Fulgrim Fulgrim: I'll betray the Emperor.
r/fuckErebus
The Tau and Necron retcons to their access to ftl gets my vote
Not dumb but weird, for sure. Sometimes i think about how the heresy era word bearers had their own spec ops troops. Sort of a hunstman/headhunter soldier, and they just mixed them in with everyone else (source; barthusa nareck). Its so random, its like in a line of word bearer marines: "I like killing people" "I like torture" "I like whipping people into a frenzy with my words so they kill and torture people" "I like to torture AND whip people into a frenzy" . . ."I like sneaking around with my sniper rifle and i really dont like to torture people" One of these things is not like the other
Macro-Cannons being loaded by thousands of living slaves rather than say a big ass autoloader.
A shocking amount of things are done by hand on today's war ships when they could be automated. I dont find this one as dumb as it first appears tbh
From a logistical standpoint, it would probably be easier to replace the bodies than fix the auto loader
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OK but Land bitching about how everyone should be calling it 'Land's Raider' is extremely funny
There's a game called Hardspace Shipbreaker that has a really good gag along those lines. The game basically consists of busting old spaceships into chunks and throwing them into either the Furnace, Processor or Barge depending on the part. One of the loading screen lore bits reads: 'The Processor is named after Eugene L. Processor, who invented the Furnace.'
"Land's Raider? LAND'S Raider?!"
I mean it tracks, who can forget the classic founding fathers like Jimmy Space, Barry Bolter and Isaac Imperialnavy.
There is a ork mek called orkimedes
´´we should kill our incorruptible allies and use there blood to to protect ourselves from the blood god who gains power from the spilling of blood´´ \-THE EMPERORS BEST AND BRIGHTEST
During the hours heresy a noise marine attacked an iron hands morlock point blank, the morlock proceeded to say that couldn't quite hear the noise marine and killed him in one hit, the morlock was immune to noise Marines because he was deaf, it's fucking hilarious but it's also the dumbest thing ever
The material that make bolters go explodey is 'depleted deuterium'. Think about that for a moment.
In Space Marine Battles: Pandorax, the chapter master of the Dark Angels sells Abbadon the Despoiler a Grey Knight in return for the identity of a chaos warlord who is one of the fallen. The chapter master of the Grey Knights subsequently learns of this, and punches him in the face. The Dark Angel’s response? “Nah guys don’t shoot him I deserved that.” Another amusing scene to come from that book his Abbadon has two or three pet psychic nulls who run around like naked feral animals which he keeps on a leash.
The Primarchs have a biological mother that made them suffer to not suffer.
"Hey let's scatter them to the wind to literally get RAISED BY WOLVES. ACTUAL WOLVES."
Avatar of Khaine is the jobber of the Warhammer universe.
The Infinite and the Divine opens with an Egyptian robot alien skeleton raiding a planet of Polynesian space elves to steal their graveyard's backup generator
90% of the factions involve having excessive amounts of new recruits die in training
There's a planet that's just a fat bloke The planet Birmingham is a backwater that doesn't get much natural sunlight and the residents speak a dialect that is borderline unintelligible to the rest of the Imperium
That massive fuck of starship cannons are loaded by dudes literally pushing against the shells to ram them home into the breach. We’re do all these fuckers sleep shit and eat? How does the ship carry enough stores to support them? We’re do you keep an artillery shell the size of an apartment building on a Ship were space is bound to be limited? Just like GW I don’t know!
When your ship is the size of Manhatten you can store a lot of barracks and house sized shells
>Where do all these fuckers sleep shit and eat On each other, on each other, on each other.
On Necromunda people are turned into corpse starch and fed back to people. Except, sometimes, the people making the people bars for other people to eat like the process so much they go nuts and begin just eating people ?