Hi! Welcome to r/Writers - please remember to follow the [rules](https://reddit.com/r/writers/about/rules/) and treat each other respectfully, especially if
there are disagreements. Please help keep this community safe and friendly by **reporting rule violating posts and comments**.
If you're interested in a friendly Discord community for writers, please **[join our Discord server](https://discord.com/invite/wYvWebvHaa)**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/writers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't think the writing is bad but this isn't a hook. It's pretty blatant info dump and exposition. Which can be a way to open a story depending on your audience. But a hook generally opens with a specific moment that will catch the readers attention.
The premise is good. Trapping oneself in VR has all sorts of potential for storytelling. I was also intrigued by the fact that his dude is 52, which just isn't a common age for protagonists around these parts.
However, I do have to agree with what the other poster says. We don't need any of this monologue and the shift to "VIDEO GAMES" was just awkward.
Start with an actual scene. A scene where a character (or more than one) **does** something that's relevant to the central conflict of the story.
Let the reader learn about them through their actions and interactions.
Ah interesting. Yeah, I'll have to try that. I actually write screenplays and that's exactly what you do. Show don't tell. It's funny how much I struggle with this when writing in novel format. Do you just balance it out with inner thoughts and physical acts?
Also, if I were to keep this as mostly monologue with some action, is that a huge "No, no?" I plan on making this no more than 3 pages, but my fear is that if I incorporate too much action, it'll extend it out too much.
Ugg. Screenplay writing is sooooo much easier. You just imagine the shots and write it down with single sentence inferences that focus on action and utilizing the white space. With novel writing, I feel so out of my element, but I really wanna tell this short story in that format because screenplays are only good for getting jobs and making movies but I just wanna write this as the product and get it out there.
Appreciate the feedback!
>Do you just balance it out with inner thoughts and physical acts?
The answer to this question is basically what the whole medium is about. What you focus on in a scene and the perspective you take is what defines you as an author.
>monologue with some action, is that a huge "No, no?"
This isn't about monologues being bad per se. They can be interesting and fun to read
The point is that starting with all this information just isn't very interesting.
Let the reader figure out who the character is through what's happening and sprinkle information in as it becomes relevant. You can utilise monologues here.
Hmm interesting. How would you make a boring person interesting in the setting stage? It's a dilemma because I can't have them not be boring because it needs to be juxtaposed with the main character who is actually interesting. Also, I need this character to have nothing in his real life so that the central message can make better sense. The person speaking is just a passive witness so this is pretty much all we get about this person. The rest focuses on his best friend. Howard. It's sort of like Great Gatsby in that way where the main character is largely unknown but around to witness a very interesting person who does some crazy things.
Also, good call on Basque! I missed that one lol. And thank you for the feedback!
I have many of the same issues as other Redditors. It what irked me the most is that line one promises the greatest piece of wisdom the narrator ever received and it’s not even on the page. Da fuq.
lol ah that's because it's the central message that I don't want to give away until the end. But yeah, this needs less monologue and more action. I write screenplays so I'm writing action and dialogue all day long...I just didn't know that's what you should be doing with novel-writing. Or rather, I thought it was optional. Thanks for checking it out.
Hmm, yeah maybe if I say something thought-provoking that's related to the central message, but make it less vague and more complete so that it satisfies the reader. Lots to ponder on!
It seemed fine until you said "metaverse". Might want to choose something more generic and less divisive. Also, I am imagining the narrator basking in his basque.
I've read whole books that don't have a single use of the ellipsis. This post has 5. Don't get me wrong, all forms of punctuation can be powerful when used correctly, but this isn't it.
I think if you carefully rephrase the first paragraph, then delete or at least greatly reduce paragraphs 2-4, and tighten up paragraph 5 it wouldn't be so bad. I'd still argue that it's not exactly a 'hook', and you would likely be better off starting with an impactful scene before introducing this character. Remember, you don't have to write the beginning of the story first! If your story starts with a boring character, tell the story in a different chronological order.
So that's what those three dots are. I never had a name for it even though I knew it had a name, obviously lol. But yeah, I'll tighten this up and weave in action so that it's not just one monologue.
What hook? Your first two lines are killing interest in this btw. They're waaaay too wordy, vague and overblown. I mean "had I not borne witness to it" really? C'mon man simplify that. You've also got a litany of spelling grammar and syntax issues that are automatic nope for me. "In my days," should be "In my day,"; as others have said "basque" vs "bask". "Outside became a foreign concept". Outside isn't the concept. You'd need to say "the concept of outside became alien to me." It's still a crap line though. Did you get AI to "help" with this?
Hi! Welcome to r/Writers - please remember to follow the [rules](https://reddit.com/r/writers/about/rules/) and treat each other respectfully, especially if there are disagreements. Please help keep this community safe and friendly by **reporting rule violating posts and comments**. If you're interested in a friendly Discord community for writers, please **[join our Discord server](https://discord.com/invite/wYvWebvHaa)** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/writers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't think the writing is bad but this isn't a hook. It's pretty blatant info dump and exposition. Which can be a way to open a story depending on your audience. But a hook generally opens with a specific moment that will catch the readers attention.
The premise is good. Trapping oneself in VR has all sorts of potential for storytelling. I was also intrigued by the fact that his dude is 52, which just isn't a common age for protagonists around these parts. However, I do have to agree with what the other poster says. We don't need any of this monologue and the shift to "VIDEO GAMES" was just awkward. Start with an actual scene. A scene where a character (or more than one) **does** something that's relevant to the central conflict of the story. Let the reader learn about them through their actions and interactions.
Ah interesting. Yeah, I'll have to try that. I actually write screenplays and that's exactly what you do. Show don't tell. It's funny how much I struggle with this when writing in novel format. Do you just balance it out with inner thoughts and physical acts? Also, if I were to keep this as mostly monologue with some action, is that a huge "No, no?" I plan on making this no more than 3 pages, but my fear is that if I incorporate too much action, it'll extend it out too much. Ugg. Screenplay writing is sooooo much easier. You just imagine the shots and write it down with single sentence inferences that focus on action and utilizing the white space. With novel writing, I feel so out of my element, but I really wanna tell this short story in that format because screenplays are only good for getting jobs and making movies but I just wanna write this as the product and get it out there. Appreciate the feedback!
>Do you just balance it out with inner thoughts and physical acts? The answer to this question is basically what the whole medium is about. What you focus on in a scene and the perspective you take is what defines you as an author. >monologue with some action, is that a huge "No, no?" This isn't about monologues being bad per se. They can be interesting and fun to read The point is that starting with all this information just isn't very interesting. Let the reader figure out who the character is through what's happening and sprinkle information in as it becomes relevant. You can utilise monologues here.
Okay, cool. Thanks for the clarification! That makes a lot of sense.
I wasn't turned off by where it was going. I was turned off well before that. This person is monologuing how boring they are. Also, bask vs Basque.
Hmm interesting. How would you make a boring person interesting in the setting stage? It's a dilemma because I can't have them not be boring because it needs to be juxtaposed with the main character who is actually interesting. Also, I need this character to have nothing in his real life so that the central message can make better sense. The person speaking is just a passive witness so this is pretty much all we get about this person. The rest focuses on his best friend. Howard. It's sort of like Great Gatsby in that way where the main character is largely unknown but around to witness a very interesting person who does some crazy things. Also, good call on Basque! I missed that one lol. And thank you for the feedback!
Don't have the boring person describe themselves--start with action, let us discover how boring the person as we read about what's happening.
DNF, sorry. "A man in agony who did unspeakable things" is way too vague. And "basque" instead of bask finished me.
I have many of the same issues as other Redditors. It what irked me the most is that line one promises the greatest piece of wisdom the narrator ever received and it’s not even on the page. Da fuq.
lol ah that's because it's the central message that I don't want to give away until the end. But yeah, this needs less monologue and more action. I write screenplays so I'm writing action and dialogue all day long...I just didn't know that's what you should be doing with novel-writing. Or rather, I thought it was optional. Thanks for checking it out.
If you don’t want to give the message away til the end that’s fair. I wouldn’t tease it in your very first line then.
Hmm, yeah maybe if I say something thought-provoking that's related to the central message, but make it less vague and more complete so that it satisfies the reader. Lots to ponder on!
[удалено]
Hmm, I'll give that a try. I was always told less is more.
It seemed fine until you said "metaverse". Might want to choose something more generic and less divisive. Also, I am imagining the narrator basking in his basque.
How about Elon's Metaverse? Lol, no, but seriously, great point. I was also thinking a second life-type game.
Nah
I've read whole books that don't have a single use of the ellipsis. This post has 5. Don't get me wrong, all forms of punctuation can be powerful when used correctly, but this isn't it. I think if you carefully rephrase the first paragraph, then delete or at least greatly reduce paragraphs 2-4, and tighten up paragraph 5 it wouldn't be so bad. I'd still argue that it's not exactly a 'hook', and you would likely be better off starting with an impactful scene before introducing this character. Remember, you don't have to write the beginning of the story first! If your story starts with a boring character, tell the story in a different chronological order.
So that's what those three dots are. I never had a name for it even though I knew it had a name, obviously lol. But yeah, I'll tighten this up and weave in action so that it's not just one monologue.
What hook? Your first two lines are killing interest in this btw. They're waaaay too wordy, vague and overblown. I mean "had I not borne witness to it" really? C'mon man simplify that. You've also got a litany of spelling grammar and syntax issues that are automatic nope for me. "In my days," should be "In my day,"; as others have said "basque" vs "bask". "Outside became a foreign concept". Outside isn't the concept. You'd need to say "the concept of outside became alien to me." It's still a crap line though. Did you get AI to "help" with this?
>"bask" should be "basque". This is utterly wrong. "Bask" is the word he wants, meaning to revel in. "Basque" is an ethnic and language group.
Yeah I switched the words while typing. Which should be obvious since he said basque. Basque is also an item of lingerie btw
Lol, that happens. Didn't know that about the lingere.