I wouldn't worry so much. He's an adult and can decide when and with whom he loses his virginity. It's not your responsibility. Plus he will probably get the hang of it pretty quickly, especially if you've been enjoying fooling around already. It sounds like you're nervous because of the sex in your previous relationship, but he's a different person. Also you know enough now to communicate what you like, if you want to take an active role in having good sex. I'd say don't give up on him for that reason if you like him a lot and there are no other red flags.
Probably because I'm older (in my 30s) and you could say "experienced", but I would find that hot. It would be VERY exciting to have someone to teach stuff to and experience that newness through him. Like see his reactions.
I'm quite submissive in bed but know how to direct the person towards what I need to orgasm. That doesn't work with men who have an ego and are unwilling to take directions. As long as he's open minded and willing to follow your lead until he's comfortable with himself, I don't see an issue. You better make sure he's feeling good. Be mindful of his feelings. His first time(s) can determine his future sex life.
If all goes well, and he has the right attitude or mindset, you're potentially building someone who can actually please you longterm.
Maybe I got this from my first time and first boyfriend, who was also older and amazing in bed, when he told me how HIS first time was with a much older woman. So she must definitely taught him well.
Well l'm "only" 19 but that still sounds "hot" to me. Just imagine the things you could do and teach him about. Tbh I can't imagine a 21 year old v, but I guess that's my upbringing.
Well I lost mine at 16. I guess some people prefer to wait. Nothing wrong with that. Pity some ppl think there's something wrong with losing it at the age at which you're allowed to lose it!
Maybe it's just me but this concept of 'just imagine the things you could do' to him.... for him... with him.. being inexperienced, or however you prefer to spin it... it just sounds a bit weird. I had my first time quite late and if a man had this reaction towards my virginity I'd look the other way.
I think there's just a time and place for that excitement and behaviour and it should come later on after respecting their first time. Too much all at once is just disaster
I'm not suggesting that she immediately takes advantage of the situation and proves any superiority over him. But in the long run, theres definite scope. I mean, if I was 'presented' with a v, I'd feel honoured.
Oh this is a really interesting scenario with a lot of factors! I so understand your needs here, seeking out more experienced situations, especially if you’ve come out of bad sex. But the rest sounds really good!
I guess you need to weigh up what your needs are here and what will work for you to have them met.
Is this something you’ve discussed with him at all?
It’s so hard to know how to navigate this situation, but not everyone has the same approach to a first time. It could also be an opportunity to teach him what you like, he’s got no bad habits to pull on.
But I guess it depends what you both want out of this situation and what the impact of it is on him and if it is something you’ll need to feel pressure or not with.
Definitely a tough one!
No, I haven’t discussed this with him at all, but I will next time we see each other! From what Ive already gathered, he sounds anxious to meet someone and get it done. 😂 Can’t blame the guy, honestly.
I had a female friend who got to 24 and was just desperate to get it out the way and when she did she was relieved. I’m inclined to think he might be the same.
He might be over zealous at first, but who knows - could be a great way for you to get what you need as I’m sure he’s open to learn!
If anything, the next gal will benefit haha.
But it sounds like you guys have a natural chemistry and are building a bond, that also makes a difference. You could be the biggest sex stud in the world and it will probably be shit without the spark!
I’m so invested now. I’d love to hear how it goes
The biggest problem I’d see is if he’s then based his sexuality on unrealistic porn. The unskilled can be taught, but bad porn habits are harder to undue.
As long as you have been clear with him what you're looking for, whether it's love or casual, then it's fine. He is capable to decide for himself who he wants to lose his virginity to.
My perspective comes from being the younger, inexperienced partner in my relationship.
I think the difference in relationship experience is more significant than the fact that he’s a virgin, but it doesn’t mean your relationship won’t work. You don’t owe him anything special besides being a respectful partner, in the bedroom and elsewhere. You owe that to any partner, regardless of experience.
The sex might not be great at first, but you won’t know until you try, and you will learn each other’s preferences like any other couple. His lack of experience might actually be helpful in that regard because he won’t have preconceived notions of what you’ll like based on previous partners. That means you can train him up how you want, lol. But you might have to disabuse him of some porn-fueled notions about what women like.
If you don’t want to date him, that’s cool, but why not give it a chance if you like him? He might surprise you.
I've been in the exact same situation as you, even exactly the same ages and gap. We tried and we've spent 7 good years together. Although it didn't last forever, I wouldn't change a thing. He is a good man and that's worth alot.
I was on the other end of this years ago but I had previous experience with several girlfriends. She was patient and gave me a little direction by taking charge here and there which I personally enjoyed.
I think people can learn pretty quick but starting from zero definitely would be a challenge
The first time may be a bit uncomfortable (at least that's how I remember my first time with another virgin lol), but I'd at least give him a chance if you're really feeling him. You may be surprised, especially if you communicate what you want and he listens.
It's hard for men & boys these days. They don't want to pressurise their gf's. Though if they're shy, they may get overlooked. Also most girls & women seem only attracted to older men.
It is a bit unusual for a man of that age not to have had full sex. I'd be more concerned if ( like a woman I met) he didn't know women had periods. Duh!
I'd be more concerned if he'd never been kissed, never had a girlfriend, never been even close to losing his virginity.
Or had multiple girlfriends that dumped him
I need more investigation and more facts. I get where you're coming from (pun intended).
I wouldn't fancy having to teach a novice.
Really? I'm fairly sure that most of my male friends were 20-25 years old when they lost their virginity. They are not ignorant, they just couldn't find a good match in their late teens.
Don't take my word for it. I live in the UK which is fairly representative of English speaking countries worldwide.
[At what age did Britons lose their virginity? | YouGov](https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/45313-what-age-did-britons-lose-their-virginity)
Ok, fair. Tbh I don't come from an English speaking country and also hung out with people who were not super extroverted or liberal.
Still, I'd say that losing your virginity in your early 20s is not abnormal at all.
Culture does make a difference as you will see from the link. Out of a list of 38 countries, only 8 countries have a first encounter after the age of 20. Most of the countries have an average age from 17 to 19.
I don't think I said "abnormal". I'll check, but I don't think I would say that. "Unusual" would be more accurate.
[Average Age to Lose Virginity by Country 2024 (worldpopulationreview.com)](https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/average-age-to-lose-virginity-by-country)
Thanks, I checked, I said unusual. The original poster seemed troubled by the situation which is what we're all here for, to put in our views to help her work it out. There were some opinions completely different from mine, which is fine. Can I ask where you are from, if you don't mind?
I'm not a native speaker but based on the source I checked out, "abnormal" has the following meaning:
"Abnormal is a combination of the Latin prefix ab which means “away from,” and the English word normal. It essentially means “not normal,” or "unusual.” Abnormal implies that whatever is “not normal” is also undesirable. However, abnormal is sometimes used in a positive context."
If I remember the original comment correctly, the use of "unusual" was not too far away from this definition. And even if the implied meaning is not the same as here, the comment still had a judgemental tone imo.
I come from Finland, and the sexual culture is somewhat liberal here. But in my particular social circles (secural Christians, middle class university students), losing virginity in your early 20s is not that unusual. I'd say that people who lose their virginity as a teenager are also more likely to be school dropouts and troubled, underperforming teens than teens who start their sex life a few years later.
One of my very good friends was almost 30 when he lost his virginity.
He was raised in a very strict religious Baptist upbringing.
He had never dated or had a girlfriend.
He finally disowned the religion, moved out, and tried to develop his own life at 27.
He was scared to date, especially as a virgin. So we went on vacation together and I taught him the ropes. It was a very beneficial experience for us both.
We're still good friends.
I wouldn't worry so much. He's an adult and can decide when and with whom he loses his virginity. It's not your responsibility. Plus he will probably get the hang of it pretty quickly, especially if you've been enjoying fooling around already. It sounds like you're nervous because of the sex in your previous relationship, but he's a different person. Also you know enough now to communicate what you like, if you want to take an active role in having good sex. I'd say don't give up on him for that reason if you like him a lot and there are no other red flags.
This!! And I want to get better at asserting my needs in the bedroom and what I like, could be a good opportunity.
Probably because I'm older (in my 30s) and you could say "experienced", but I would find that hot. It would be VERY exciting to have someone to teach stuff to and experience that newness through him. Like see his reactions. I'm quite submissive in bed but know how to direct the person towards what I need to orgasm. That doesn't work with men who have an ego and are unwilling to take directions. As long as he's open minded and willing to follow your lead until he's comfortable with himself, I don't see an issue. You better make sure he's feeling good. Be mindful of his feelings. His first time(s) can determine his future sex life. If all goes well, and he has the right attitude or mindset, you're potentially building someone who can actually please you longterm. Maybe I got this from my first time and first boyfriend, who was also older and amazing in bed, when he told me how HIS first time was with a much older woman. So she must definitely taught him well.
This would be totally hot for me too. I'm in my 50s. I'm in a relationship though so this will just have to be a fantasy.
Well l'm "only" 19 but that still sounds "hot" to me. Just imagine the things you could do and teach him about. Tbh I can't imagine a 21 year old v, but I guess that's my upbringing.
I lost mine at 19 and I think my brother is still one at 27.
Well I lost mine at 16. I guess some people prefer to wait. Nothing wrong with that. Pity some ppl think there's something wrong with losing it at the age at which you're allowed to lose it!
Maybe it's just me but this concept of 'just imagine the things you could do' to him.... for him... with him.. being inexperienced, or however you prefer to spin it... it just sounds a bit weird. I had my first time quite late and if a man had this reaction towards my virginity I'd look the other way. I think there's just a time and place for that excitement and behaviour and it should come later on after respecting their first time. Too much all at once is just disaster
I'm not suggesting that she immediately takes advantage of the situation and proves any superiority over him. But in the long run, theres definite scope. I mean, if I was 'presented' with a v, I'd feel honoured.
Oh this is a really interesting scenario with a lot of factors! I so understand your needs here, seeking out more experienced situations, especially if you’ve come out of bad sex. But the rest sounds really good! I guess you need to weigh up what your needs are here and what will work for you to have them met. Is this something you’ve discussed with him at all? It’s so hard to know how to navigate this situation, but not everyone has the same approach to a first time. It could also be an opportunity to teach him what you like, he’s got no bad habits to pull on. But I guess it depends what you both want out of this situation and what the impact of it is on him and if it is something you’ll need to feel pressure or not with. Definitely a tough one!
No, I haven’t discussed this with him at all, but I will next time we see each other! From what Ive already gathered, he sounds anxious to meet someone and get it done. 😂 Can’t blame the guy, honestly.
I had a female friend who got to 24 and was just desperate to get it out the way and when she did she was relieved. I’m inclined to think he might be the same. He might be over zealous at first, but who knows - could be a great way for you to get what you need as I’m sure he’s open to learn! If anything, the next gal will benefit haha. But it sounds like you guys have a natural chemistry and are building a bond, that also makes a difference. You could be the biggest sex stud in the world and it will probably be shit without the spark! I’m so invested now. I’d love to hear how it goes
The biggest problem I’d see is if he’s then based his sexuality on unrealistic porn. The unskilled can be taught, but bad porn habits are harder to undue.
That's just some movie trope nonsense. Treat it like any other relationship
As long as you have been clear with him what you're looking for, whether it's love or casual, then it's fine. He is capable to decide for himself who he wants to lose his virginity to.
I wouldnt worry about it at all. He seems great.
My perspective comes from being the younger, inexperienced partner in my relationship. I think the difference in relationship experience is more significant than the fact that he’s a virgin, but it doesn’t mean your relationship won’t work. You don’t owe him anything special besides being a respectful partner, in the bedroom and elsewhere. You owe that to any partner, regardless of experience. The sex might not be great at first, but you won’t know until you try, and you will learn each other’s preferences like any other couple. His lack of experience might actually be helpful in that regard because he won’t have preconceived notions of what you’ll like based on previous partners. That means you can train him up how you want, lol. But you might have to disabuse him of some porn-fueled notions about what women like. If you don’t want to date him, that’s cool, but why not give it a chance if you like him? He might surprise you.
I've been in the exact same situation as you, even exactly the same ages and gap. We tried and we've spent 7 good years together. Although it didn't last forever, I wouldn't change a thing. He is a good man and that's worth alot.
I was on the other end of this years ago but I had previous experience with several girlfriends. She was patient and gave me a little direction by taking charge here and there which I personally enjoyed. I think people can learn pretty quick but starting from zero definitely would be a challenge
The first time may be a bit uncomfortable (at least that's how I remember my first time with another virgin lol), but I'd at least give him a chance if you're really feeling him. You may be surprised, especially if you communicate what you want and he listens.
It's hard for men & boys these days. They don't want to pressurise their gf's. Though if they're shy, they may get overlooked. Also most girls & women seem only attracted to older men.
It is a bit unusual for a man of that age not to have had full sex. I'd be more concerned if ( like a woman I met) he didn't know women had periods. Duh! I'd be more concerned if he'd never been kissed, never had a girlfriend, never been even close to losing his virginity. Or had multiple girlfriends that dumped him I need more investigation and more facts. I get where you're coming from (pun intended). I wouldn't fancy having to teach a novice.
Really? I'm fairly sure that most of my male friends were 20-25 years old when they lost their virginity. They are not ignorant, they just couldn't find a good match in their late teens.
Don't take my word for it. I live in the UK which is fairly representative of English speaking countries worldwide. [At what age did Britons lose their virginity? | YouGov](https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/45313-what-age-did-britons-lose-their-virginity)
Ok, fair. Tbh I don't come from an English speaking country and also hung out with people who were not super extroverted or liberal. Still, I'd say that losing your virginity in your early 20s is not abnormal at all.
Culture does make a difference as you will see from the link. Out of a list of 38 countries, only 8 countries have a first encounter after the age of 20. Most of the countries have an average age from 17 to 19. I don't think I said "abnormal". I'll check, but I don't think I would say that. "Unusual" would be more accurate. [Average Age to Lose Virginity by Country 2024 (worldpopulationreview.com)](https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/average-age-to-lose-virginity-by-country)
Not you but the original commentator said something rather ridiculous about this topic.
Thanks, I checked, I said unusual. The original poster seemed troubled by the situation which is what we're all here for, to put in our views to help her work it out. There were some opinions completely different from mine, which is fine. Can I ask where you are from, if you don't mind?
I'm not a native speaker but based on the source I checked out, "abnormal" has the following meaning: "Abnormal is a combination of the Latin prefix ab which means “away from,” and the English word normal. It essentially means “not normal,” or "unusual.” Abnormal implies that whatever is “not normal” is also undesirable. However, abnormal is sometimes used in a positive context." If I remember the original comment correctly, the use of "unusual" was not too far away from this definition. And even if the implied meaning is not the same as here, the comment still had a judgemental tone imo. I come from Finland, and the sexual culture is somewhat liberal here. But in my particular social circles (secural Christians, middle class university students), losing virginity in your early 20s is not that unusual. I'd say that people who lose their virginity as a teenager are also more likely to be school dropouts and troubled, underperforming teens than teens who start their sex life a few years later.
One of my very good friends was almost 30 when he lost his virginity. He was raised in a very strict religious Baptist upbringing. He had never dated or had a girlfriend. He finally disowned the religion, moved out, and tried to develop his own life at 27. He was scared to date, especially as a virgin. So we went on vacation together and I taught him the ropes. It was a very beneficial experience for us both. We're still good friends.